A Truly Different, Strange Take On War
Sept 30, 2015 10:58:05 GMT -5
Jay Omega, marcmayhem, and 2 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Sept 30, 2015 10:58:05 GMT -5
An old rusty, half broken down fence made of chicken wire surrounds it. The area has obviously been long since abandoned, there appears to be little to no sign of disturbance however. In the middle of the enclosed area sits a dented, rusted, obviously broken down trailer. All of the windows have been boarded up. Several large no trespassing signs hang on the fence swaying drunkenly obviously wind battered. A pair of broken outdated cameras at in each corner of the small enclosed compound. A pair of men approach one obviously the ugly, massive giant Alex Richards who is carrying his doctor's bag but is without his usual smile. The second guy clad all in pink is carrying a pink camera shooting the scene. Alex approaches the rotted porch of the trailer, almost falling through twice as he finally makes it to the door which is locked with a padlock. His companion, Steven Osbourne, looks at him.
Steven Osbourne: Guess, we're boned. This place is creepy anyways. Let's go bone some chicks instead.
Alex barely responds instead reaching into his doctor's bag and pulling out a small pair of bolt cutters.
Steven Osbourne: Is there anything you don't carry in there? Why is it you always seem to have what you need in there?
Alex Richards: I come prepared. Knew I would need these...
Alex quickly snips the lock then opens the door which quickly falls off it's hinges. He looks around noticing the walls are covered in a combination of yellow discoloration stains and graffiti. There is a mess of empty containers of things like antifreeze, various gasses, broken batteries.
Steven Osbourne: Wait a second, I've dated some crazy chicks this used to be a..
Alex Richards: Meth lab.
Steven Osbourne: Wait why are we here exactly?
Alex Richards: This is my old childhood home. Well one of them at least. We lived in the other trailer, I think my parents sold that, and this one.. well what do you think happened in here?
Steven Osbourne: Your parents were meth addicts?
Alex Richards: That's the even more fucked up part. They just made it and sold it. They didn't use it. They profited off of the misery of others but they didn't even have the guts to do it to themselves. People smarter than I would say that's why I pop pills and drink excessively. Because I'm rebelling against my parents. Fucking head shrinker. I hate doctors, can't stand em that. That's why if Dr. Anus Micayle entered War I'd take it out on him. No, Steven I came here, relatively sober so I could remember what's important. I could remember to never be like my parents.
Steven Osbourne: You do know that means they are right though. So we should celebrate by banging some hot nurses.
Alex literally ignores Steven before continuing.
Alex Richards: They cared about nothing but money. They didn't care about their family, they didn't care about what was right, they didn't care how they got the money, they didn't care how much damage it did to the people who did their drugs, to their families.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: I might be a drunk, I might be a pill popper, I might be irresponsible. But here's the thing, I'm loyal to my people. People who count on me know they can count on me. Before War, a match where it's every for themselves it's good to remember who you are. Who you are loyal to. What you stand for. People are coming into War to fight for themselves. When they fail they will only have failed themselves. Me? I was loyal to the Pack, that goes without saying. I was loyal to Oblivion someone I have almost nothing in common with besides a tragic past. We both chose to deal with it in different ways. Why was I loyal to him? Because he was my teammate. I was even loyal to Tommy Greco, a scumbag mafia money man who betrayed me to win a bet. Am I loyal to Pantheon is there even a doubt?
Steven Osbourne: Yeah but how does that help you this week in War? It is every man for himself.
Alex Richards: Because everyone in the WCF, connected to the WCF, all think Pantheon's best days are past. That's where I come in. That's where I get the chance to show my loyalty. If I win War, that means a member of Pantheon main events One. That shuts everyone up! That pleases everyone of my teammates in Pantheon. Sure, we're all fighting for ourselves in the end. We know there can only be one winner. But a win for a member of Pantheon is a win for Pantheon. You know why I'm taking on this pressure upon myself.. you know why I'm here trying I have to win, I need to win..
Alex gestures to the damaged, unusable stove, the burnt countertops, the general destruction.
Alex Richards: Because I was strong enough to handle this, I was strong enough to survive having no real parents, I was strong enough to survive being raped, I was strong enough to survive mental hospitals, prison... a match? A war? For everyone else this is a true struggle... for me, I've already won the War. I've already fought battles against my family, against myself. What's War? Another battle? I've already won my personal War. A war in the wrestling ring.. that's nothing compared to what I've done in the past.
At this point a very concerned looking Shaun Zach Richards races into the room and looks around in disbelief.
SZR: What is this place?
Alex Richards: This is the place where my mother and our father used to make their money.
SZR: This is horrible. Why are you here? Why didn't you call me before you came here? Are you alright?
Alex Richards: I didn't think you needed to see this place. How did you find me anyways?
SZR: I put a tracking device on the Strange Rover.
Alex Richards: No, there isn't. I found that and gave it to a homeless guy in Milwaukee months ago.
SZR: The second tracking device. Give me some credit. Don't you think I would figure something is up when I'm with you and yet the tracking device says you're in Milwaukee?
Alex Richards: Damnit, the Zim-Quila... not always good for thinking. Speaking of which..
Alex returns to his always useful doctor's bag and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila and gets to chugging.
SZR: You really are okay aren't you?
Alex Richards: Getting better now Zach. See this is why I always choose to have fun because the alternative... not very pleasant.
Steven Osbourne: Speaking of having fun you should see the plans I have for the rest of your video this week! First we're going to go to your childhood house, the playboy mansion! Then we're going to go to your school and talk to all of your teachers who praise your straight A average.. then we're gonna go to the fire department and they are going to talk about that family you saved in that blaze and then..
Alex Richards: I might drink a lot but I don't remember any of that!
Steven Osbourne: That's because I made it all up!
SZR: Seriously? You want to do nothing but lie about Alex's background this week.
Steven Osbourne: You know he's not gonna be the only one. Every year around War time people bring out all this random crap that barely makes any sense for the sake of convincing people they have a chance at War, why not Alex?
Alex Richards: Because I was already going to win War without lying.
SZR: Yeah! Exactly! I'd be giving you credit.. besides the fact you apparently agreed to Steven's idea!
The big man shrugs his massive shoulders.
Alex Richards: A good cameraman is hard to find.
SZR: HEY! Should I be insulted?
Alex Richards: You spend more time bailing me out of jail then ever you did shooting video.
SZR: That sadly is true. But still, why make Steven's movie?
Steven Osbourne: Because my movies are awesome! I won a cockie just last year for my girls gone wild undercover DVD!
SZR: I heard about that. Did you get sued because you hide a camera in a YMCA locker room?
Steven Osbourne: Don't mock my art man!
SZR: You agreed to do what this guy wanted. And you weren't even drunk Alex.
Alex shakes his head almost like he can't believe it himself.
Alex Richards: He was gonna let me do the big finish.
SZR: I probably shouldn't ask but what's the big finish?
Alex explains the big finish.
SZR: That.. actually sounds good.
Steven Osbourne: Too bad you guys ruined the surprise by recording it!
SZR: Or I can edit that part out.
Steven Osbourne: You can edit stuff out? FUCK!
Alex Richards: He's still bitter about his poor performance in that movie.
Steven Osbourne: It was cold damnit!
SZR: Oh forget this! Alright Alex, how about this... new plan. We drive to... the location. And on the way you talk smack about your fellow War competitors.
Alex Richards: Can I do it drunk?
SZR: Do you know any other way to act?
Alex Richards: In that case you got yourself a deal! SHOTGUN!
Steven Osbourne: Driving!
SZR: This is a bad idea isn't it?
Steven Osbourne: With all the girls I've rode over the years driving will be a welcome change.
SZR: Definitely a bad idea.
Shaun looks over at Alex who has already raced outside, gotten himself a hose from the Strange Rover is and siphoning fuel from the gas tank directly into his mouth.
SZR: Stop that!
Alex grins at Shaun.
Alex Richards: What? You know the Strange Rover runs on Zim-Quila.
SZR: This is gonna be a long trip.
The trio get into the massive modified truck and start their trip with Alex pounding back several pints of his signature mix of vodka and Zima until Shaun decides to interrupt him.
SZR: So are you going to talk trash about your opponents now?
Alex has one more drink before answering Shaun.
Alex Richards: You see Zach, this is why I'm going to win War. Everyone else is going to be come out and just talk trash about their opponents. We all know this is going to happen. It's going to happen like 40 times in the next two weeks. But I'm not like everyone else. As my old theme song used to say, as I've said time and time again. But talk is cheap, just like the talk most of the people in War is going to be doing. Cheap words with no meaning. No, instead of simply talking trash about my opponents I'm going to get inside their heads, see how they think. Then use that against them.
SZR: That could be interesting. On the other hand it could be a complete and total train wreck.
Alex Richards: Only one way to find out! Let's get started! And who better to get started with than Zombie McMorris.
SZR: Why Zombie McMorris?
Alex Richards: Because I'll bet nobody else talks about him first! Because nobody else considers him either their biggest rival or the biggest threat to win! And for good reason. Zombie McMorris himself doesn't believe he's going to win War. Do you know why Zach?
SZR: Not a clue.
Alex Richards: I'll tell you why Zombie isn't going to win War. Because Zombie happens to be the biggest F word in WCF history! I mean he's a huge F word! When people talk about F words they should be talking about the Zombie. Z Mac calls everyone else F Words, but if they really thought about it they would realize Zombie is a much bigger F Word then they could ever hope to be! Zombie is not just an F Word Zombie is such a big F word is practicing a flaming F Word.
SZR: Would you stop calling Zombie McMorris a fa..
Alex Richards: An F Word? Not only it's completely and totally true! Nobody in the history of this world is a bigger F Word than Zombie McMorris is. He's even such an F Word that when he runs into another F word they instantly feel better about themselves. Because they know Zombie is a bigger F word than they could ever hope to be! And McMorris... McMorris gets jealous because as big of a F Word that they might be the huge F Word that is Zombie McMorris drawfs all of their F Wordedness.
SZR: Stop it just stop it.
Alex Richards: What? I'm just getting into Zombie McMorris's mindset. It's really helpful too. Because when I started to think like Zombie I realized the F word he's always using isn't the F word he's actually saying. The real F word that applies to Zombie isn't faggot but it's failure. That's why Zombie McMorris isn't going to win War because he knows and everyone else knows he's nothing but a failure. Last year at this time Zombie led a stable with the world champion, Natural Ice Beckman, the hardcore and former world champion, Steve Orbit, and the manager, Buddy Roman. At that point no one questioned it. Now? Who exactly would let Zombie lead them?
SZR: Maybe Buddy Roman?
Alex Richards: Not likely. Why do you think Buddy branched out to managing members of Imperium? He knew that he got all he could out of Zombie. Now Zombie probably wants to deny he is such a massive failure. But facts are facts. When Imperium broke up did any of it's former members want to align with Zombie? Not a chance. He faced the world champion Dune and it wasn't even made a title match. On television they didn't deem Zombie McMorris good enough to recieve a title shot. And he proved Seth Lerch right by losing to the world champion. Losing to the number one contender for the world title the week before. When it comes to the highest levels of competition Zombie McMorris has done nothing but fail. He even failed at recapturing his former glory, regaining the internet championship he claimed he was going to save.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: So yet at War Zombie McMorris is going to do what he does best fail. You know why he's going to fail? Because he's an immortal. Zombie McMorris figures he can be average forever. Eventually the level of competition will fall off enough that he will finally be the star, the world champion of a promotion. Maybe by 2200 or something. But one thing is for sure, that day is not next Sunday at War. So who's next?
SZR: How about The McNeil Clan?
Alex Richards: You know, I don't really like to say anything bad about Cormack nor his cousin Conall for that matter. Cormack was my brother in the Pack. He's someone I would consider a friend. Furthermore he's a hard drinking Scotsman who loves to fight. What is there not to like?
SZR: The haggis?
Alex Richards: I kind of like haggis.
SZR: What?
Alex Richards: Every time I tried to eat haggis against Cormack I ended up throwing up. Which meant I could drink more! If Conall is anything like his cousin, I'm sure he's a great guy too. But if Cormack or Conall and I happen to run into each other we are bound to fight. I mean I like a good fight, those Scots like a good fight. It's only natural. We will fight, it will be a hell of a lot of fun but in the end I will win the fight.
SZR: I thought you said you liked them.
Alex Richards: I do like them. But Cormack was always the guy who wanted a good fight, but he wanted a good fight more than he wanted the win. When we were in the Pack together, Cormack was always a good guy to have on your side in a scrap. But in a wrestling match? Tough as nails but not all that successful. Sorry Cormack, I like you. Really I do. But I think you're not all that concerned about winning. You might have had the poorest record of anyone in the Pack. Again, not trying to bash you. But even since he's come back he hasn't been all that successful. So when the War match starts I expect Cormack to come hard, hell maybe even bust me open. But in the end, the result is gonna be the same as most of his matches. I'll know I was in a fight, I'll be sore, but I'll also be the winner. Now I'm gonna have to move onto a serious threat.. a very serious threat... BILLY!
SZR: Billy is a serious threat to win War?
Alex Richards: Don't kid yourself Zach, Billy is the most dangerous man in War. He recently won a War! He recently declared War on McDonalds and absolutely obliterated them! He totally cleaned out their whole store! No Big Macs left! No fries left! No Chicken Nuggets left! I'm telling you Zach, War is hell! Fortunately by getting into Billy's head I was able to figure out what his game plan is going to be for War. He's going to load up on can after can of Bush's Baked Beans before the match and try and keep everyone from attacking him by unleashing killer farts!
SZR: Will you be serious?
Alex Richards: I'm accusing someone by using chemical warfare. That sounds really serious to me.
SZR: I mean take the opponent serious!
Alex Richards: Why? I'm talking about Billy. If this was at a Hometown Buffet Billy would be a challenge for me. But it's not, it's a wrestling match. You saw what Billy did last week against Waylon Cash and Vic Venable. Against a real wrestler he's not a real challenge. But I do have some good news for Billy. he'll be out earlier than me, since I'm winning, so I won't have a chance at the food backstage. HEY!
Alex suddenly realizing he's missing out retorts with anger.
Alex Richards: That's it Billy! I'm gonna have to kick you in the gut so hard it takes you two hours to catch your breathe! I don't want to come back to the locker room to celebrate my victory and there's nothing left but spinach! And speaking of difficult, Tyler Walker and Biohazard!
SZR: You've had too much to drink haven't you?
Alex Richards: No such thing! But this really is a challenge. I mean how am I supposed to get inside of heads of Biowalker? I don't know if he's Tyson or Tyler or Walker Flyocker Flame or.. I mean I certainly don't gladiate because I'm glad. Nor I can I spit ooze to faces. I am not a space werewolf. This is really tough. I know what they should do though. They clearly need to get Jimmy Wicked to come back and all enter the ring at the same time as Wicked Biowalker! Now that would be sweet!
SZR: But what about the match?
Alex Richards: I think I'm gonna have to hope to get lucky. Most of their opponents seem to so the odds are in my favor right? But they did beat Logan so I'm taking nothing for granted. It's going to be a struggle, this could come down to myself and the space werewolf and the master of the ooze.
Shaun rolls his eyes.
SZR: And what are you going to do against their combined might?
Alex Richards: Fortunately I watched the ninja turtle movies so I know the secret of the ooze! And as for the Space Werewolf, I'll gonna get myself a pair of barber shears and give Wolfie a mohawk! I know silver bullets stop normal werewolves but space werewolves, don't even think about it. So by giving him an awesome haircut he'll be easy prey. You ever hear a mohawked Space Werewolf howl at the moon, Zach? I'm telling you it's a site to behold!
SZR: I'm sure it is.
Alex Richards: Speaking of people who's heads I'm already in there's Gonzo Murdoch. You remember a few weeks ago when I said Murdoch was still alive? Everyone said I was crazy. Even Doug said I was crazy. But I wasn't. I was right wasn't I? I knew Deuce was going to turn up sooner rather than later and quite frankly I'm happy to see him here.
SZR: Why is that?
Alex Richards: Remember how |I accused Deuce Murdoch of being the hit man behind the Scarecrow's murder. Now I'll get the chance to talk to him up close and personal. By up close and personal I mean punch him in the face.. a lot.
SZR: Yeah, I think everyone got that.
Alex Richards: That sounds crazy too doesn't it. But think about it, Gonzo has probably killed people without thinking about how kind of person they were, how their family might feel, the effect it might have on the country, or nothing besides it's his job. Why isn't it likely Deuce might have gone into business for himself. I mean look at what happened to Doug Murdoch.
SZR: He got fired.
Alex Richards: I know that. But why? Why would Seth Lerch fire Doug Murdoch? That move doesn't make any sense. Unless of course Deuce had something to do with it. What sounds more likely, that unbelievable story Seth gave to Deuce on camera. Or the fact that Deuce was jealous of his brother, who had never lost a singles match in the WCF, and went to Seth and offered to return, offered to come back. If Seth released his brother, and gave him a lot of money. Since Deuce is the bigger star, Seth jumped at the chance.
SZR: That's.. pretty clear thinking considering how much you had to drink in the last hour.
Alex Richards: That's what experience gets you. See Zach, I told you should drink more. The way I see it, Deuce is the kind of guy who would sell out his own brother in order to get what he wants, he's the type of man who could be hired as a hit man. And now that he's back in the WCF... why is he back in the WCF? What's his end game? What's his ultimate goal? If I were a betting man I would say the recent Dark Riders Gang losing streak has something to do with it.
SZR: He wasn't part of that.
Alex Richards: Yeah but it seems like a good thing for a hostile takeover doesn't it? The DRG are slumping, are looking for answers, and suddenly, surprisingly here's Deuce Murdoch. He takes out the only member of the DRG who isn't slumping, then he offers them the answers. He slowly takes over the organization. You saw what happened in Mexico the last time he had the ear of DRG leadership. Bates was horrified over the deaths they caused, but for Deuce it was just par for the course. Makes you wonder doesn't it? Makes you wonder if he wants to use the DRG to make his mercurany jobs that much easily?
SZR: That's kind of scary.
Alex Richards: Last time we met in the WCF things went your way. You declared War on the Pack and decimated us. For awhile. Then Jay Omega caught up to you, defeated you, embarrassed you. And that was the end of Deuce Murdoch for awhile. This time, I don't want to let Jay have all the fun! I want to be the one to get MY revenge, I want to be the one who spoils your plans this time. Deuce, you're so arrogant. You return to the WCF immediately competing in War. You haven't wrestled in months but yet you come back and assume you're going to win War. You made a mistake Deuce and next weekend I will be more than happy to show you how much of a mistake you made. You won't win War, you won't take over The Dark Riders Gang, and if you were the one behind Scarecrow's death, this time when you disappear.. you'll stay disappeared.
SZR: Don't forget about the rest of the Dark Riders Gang.
Alex Richards: Are they still a gang? Down to three members now aren't they? Thomas Bates, Gemini Battle.. everyone thought Thomas was doing well. Everyone thought Thomas was on the fast track to the main event, he was the next world champion. At first it looked like he was going to achieve that potential. Won the Television title, steam rolled through the king of trios tournament. Then the wheels fell off. Do you know why he fell off Zach?
SZR: Forgot to bolt them?
Alex Richards: That's easier to do then you think Zach.
SZR: No, it isn't. It's only easy to do when you're hammered.
Alex Richards: Fair point. But seriously the reason that Thomas Bates started off so strong but then proved himself to be ordinary is simple. Thomas Bates has one big strength. His size and strength. He's not a great thinker, he's not a great wrestler, he's not a great leader. He has one thing and one thing only going for him. The fact he's a giant. The first time people saw Bates, they didn't know how to deal with him. Then they learned besides his size he's nothing special. Even the Dark Riders learned that. Remember what a massive group they were in their prime? Everyone realized that tying their fortunes to Thomas Bates was a poor move. He has no good strategy, his morals get in the way of his wrestling career. Thomas Bates is a giant, but that's the absolute only thing he has going for him.
Steven Osbourne: That and the fact that Denise D'Evil is hot and has the hots for him!
SZR: Seriously? You've been quiet for hours and this is what you choose to break your silence with?
Alex Richards: I did promise Steven the chance to talk about anything ladies who happen to be in War.
Steven Osbourne: And I'm taking full advantage of it! Denise D'evil in addition to being hot is also an ancient immortal. You know how hot that is? I mean I know why Thomas Bates would want to court her. She's probably a great, great, great, great, great gilf! You know how much I would like to cross that off my bucket list!
SZR: I hope she chops your head off with a sword.
Steven Osbourne: Dude, that's cruel! You think she should kill me for saying she's hot.
SZR: I didn't mean that head.
Steven Osbourne: Ouch, dude harsh.
Alex Richards: That's what I mean. Putting your group at risk because you have a crush on a member of a rival group? Shit, he might not even actually have morals that say he doesn't hit women. Maybe he just doesn't want to hit Denise because he likes her. Either way he's getting his group into trouble. I don't know which is worse, whether he gets them into trouble because of his outdated moral code, or because he's immature with women! Then there's the only guy who appears to have actually stood beside him.
SZR: Gemini Battle, right?
Alex Richards: Right. Here's the thing about Battle, he lacks confidence. He could do big things but instead he chooses not to even try to. He was content just being Trios Champion. He didn't go for other titles. He didn't pick bigger targets. He just kind of flounders, comfortable as a member of the DRG. Did he do it because he's truly loyal to the DRG? Absolutely not. You remember when he first aligned with him and tried to become their leader, right? No, Battle stays in the Dark Riders Gang for a very simple reason, it makes him a big fish in a small pond. Gemini Battle is easily the best member of the Dark Riders, but that isn't saying much. He could do much more but he chooses not to try and achieve bigger goals. So now he's in War, and I'm sure he'll do.. okay. He'll make sure he does okay then he';ll fold because that means he didn't have to make the leap to the main event. He didn't really have to try to achieve something. I may have failed against a lot of top stars, but I've defeated some as well. Because I always try to improve my status. So if War came down to me and Gemini Battle, the driven, determined Zim-Quila chugging warrior against the guy who isn't really sure who he is and what he wants to do. What do you think is gonna happen?
Steven Osbourne: Group orgy?
SZR: You should ignore that.
Alex Richards: That's what Oblivion's gathering is probably doing before War. The Angels of Death are someone Gem Battle, Tommy Bates, and Murdoch might need to worry about. But I know the AOD. They are in this match for one reason, to hurt people. They will do that. But they won't win. That's Oblivion's M.O. He just wants to make someone suffer. Win, lose, draw, he always does that. Fortunately for me, I'm not wrestling in War just to hurt people, I'm in War to win the whole damn thing.
SZR: So are your teammates.
Alex Richards: Fucking bastards! All fucking month Jay Omega and Jeff Purse have been bantering back and forth how which one of them are gonna win. Did you forget about me? I'm massive, ugly, and hungry! Not just hungry for a win either. We should stop for Chinese soon. I agree with you guys that a member of Pantheon is gonna win but it's not going to be either of you. It's gonna be this guy! And for overlooking me I'm swearing vengeance.. I'm gonna stuff Jay Omega's bong with Oregano so his post match smoke sucks! And as for Jeff Purse before the match I'm gonna use the bathroom... and not wash my hands! Yeah take that!
Alex laughs briefly.
Alex Richards: Seriously dudes, one of us is gonna win. I think it's me, you guys think it's you and only one of us is gonna be right. But one of us are going to be right.
SZR: We're almost there Alex. You should start to wrap this up.
Alex Richards: Well there is no way I'm not going to talk about my friend David Sanchez. He's been avoiding me all month long! He's been refusing to face me.So I think the most appropriate response is to give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him back!
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: But when I really think about it. When I really get inside his head I know what makes David Sanchez tick. He wants to be remembered. He wants to be noticed. So it must have made him feel like shit last week when he didn't show up at Slam... and absolutely no one missed him. They barely noticed Davey! And what did I do Sanchez? Pantheon and I captured the Trios Championships. We won a title and you.. did nothing. So this week I get the chance to get my revenge for you avoiding me, you dodging me.. you know what my revenge is going to be. Eliminating you from War. Sending you back to obscurity. Making you be forgotten. I'm going to make sure the only thing you're remembered as is one of the guys Alex Richards eliminated before going to One and winning the world championship.
SZR: He is the US champion though. So he will be remembered.
Alex Richards: That's his hope, that's his dream. But soon, I'm going to take that from him too. I'm going to take his title, take his chance at winning War away from him as well, show how why he never should have disrespected me. You had a championship but I'm gonna make sure you're as remembered as Serbia, Caleb Fourchon, Cheetah Fighter, Ryan Rhodes, and Occulo. Oh, he's in this match for a few seconds too. My bad. All those people have held titles and now if you see their names on the title histories you have to Wikipedia them to find out who they are. That's your biggest fear isn't it Sanchez? I saw you in the hall of fame insulting the entrants. You know what that says to me? You're jealous. You feel inferior to them. And you're right to. Because you are inferior to them. You are inferior to me. Your fifteen minutes of fame are almost over David. You couldn't conduct yourself as a champion. You had to go and disrespect me. Your downfall starts now Davey.
Alex seems to be getting more and more worked out.
Alex Richards: Then there's Legion... FUCK YOU LEGION!
Steven Osbourne: You want to fuck Legion?
Alex Richards: Legion fucking called me the fucking down syndrome member of Pantheon. What the fuck is his problem? I actually know what Legion's problem is. He's fucking jealous of me! I'm a member of Pantheon.. a member. Look at him, he's not only a lackey to NVL but NVL was also a lackey to Doctor Anus. He's a lackey to a lackey! I'm my own man, he's a fucking puppet! And now even that puppet Jeff Purse used to talk to. He is much much worse. He decides to run me down, but at least I make my own decisions, fight my own fights. Two weeks ago, he scored a victory in a tag match against Jeff and myself. What happened from there? Pantheon received and won the Trios Championships. Legion.. fought a woman who was a manager. By choice. Nathan took out his scheduled opponent Bryan Worthy SO he could fight someone who had no chance. That speaks volumes about him doesn't it? He doesn't'\t want real competition, he doesn't want to think for himself? What exactly does he want? Legion, I am a contender and the eventual winner of War. You are a lackey in life, and space filler in War. Deal with it!
Steven Osbourne: Sick burn! Hey, I just realized there is another woman on the roster Aurora! Don't hurt her too badly in War Alex, I like her, she's kinky. She can keep the mask on while we're doing it mime style!
SZR: I hope one of the ladies in War hurt you Steven.
Steven Osbourne: Hurt so good.
SZR: Ten minutes away.
Alex Richards: Good, I have enough time. To talk about the men I was saving for last. I don't save them for last because they are the biggest threats. Make no mistake. I am saving them for last because they are the people I have the least respect for. And this is a match containing David Sanchez so that's quite difficult to do. I am talking of course about the Beach Krew. To be perfectly honest I've been trying to get inside people's head. I'm not going to do that with the Beach Krew. I don't want to think like them even for a second. Every time I heard of about them, is some random space space reference this, hashtag bottle service that, hashtag something else, brag about how they are the gods of the wcf, etc etc so on and so forth. Whenever they start talking they think every else is #BeachBodied, but really we're all just #BeachBored. The fucking Beach Krew, you know who those guys remind me of?
SZR: The victims on Jaws?
Alex Richards: Maybe Jaws 2 or 3. Something no one would watch by choice and everyone hates. But that's actually not where I was going at all. The Beach Krew remind me of people like Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook, and oh wait there's a girl in there so Kathy Griffin. People who think they are really funny but whatever anyone else hears them speak they just want to drown those morons in a toilet.
SZR: A toilet?
Alex Richards: Yes a toilet! Because the ocean, the lake, the river, even a bathtub is too good for them. Wasting perfectly good water on them is a tragedy! I mean have you heard the nonsense that comes out of their mouth. They constantly brag about how they beat me after all. I can understand that. Beating me is a big deal. But they didn't beat me. The only thing they did was dupe the referee. Congratulations on that. Sure, in the books it goes down as a win. But what it really proved is you knew you couldn't actually beat me and Scarecrow so you had to do that. Because it was the only way you could win. The Beach Krew is where every who can't cut it on their own goes. Sandy Coconuts? Yeah there's a serious threat.
Steven Osbourne: I missed one! I want to drink milk from her coconuts!
Alex Richards: Enough! Rico Rojas, the man who Dustin Beaver made his bitch. Kyle Kemp, who lost not once, not twice, not three times, but four times to me! Kyle Kemp claims he's better than you. But really he's just my personal bitch. So he joined the Bitch Krew of course! Think I'm wrong about them? Look at what the Bitch Krew has done since they entered. They weren't better than Mejor Redemption, they knew it so they injured Mitch Morales. They weren't better than Vic Veneble so Rico Rojas hired thugs to jump him so he could get the cheap win. They certainly weren't better then Scarecrow.. Wade Moor was not winning that match until that fucking scumbag fucking murderer fucking.. you know what... I can't do this.. I need to be completely sober in order to get my message across to The Bitch Krew.
Alex walks away and returns carrying his “beer” helmet created by Telsa. Alex carefully gets the hat on and then touches the button on the side. Instantly all humor fades from the big man.
Alex Richards: Los Tiburones, Wade Moor, Kyle Kemp, Rico Rojas, Andre Aquarius and Sandy Coconutz. I mention all of you by name because I want you to know where my focus is. I want you to know how much trouble you are in. You had something do to with the murder of Scarecrow. It could have been one of your members. You easily could have hired someone. That seems more your style anyways. You wouldn't actually get your hands dirty. You're not real men. You always take the easiest possible way out. Then what did you do? You sealed your fate. By mocking the Scarecrow's public memorial. Pantheon didn't come out then. We were too busy stopping Chelsea Armstrong from ending you. You know why I wanted to stop her?
Alex grins a grim smile.
Alex Richards: She would have went to jail. But jail isn't really that bad. Oh, the bad part is.. she would have only gotten one of you. The rest would have escaped their just punishment. And it would have been one of the lesser members Andrew, Sandy, Jim Thuggin again, probably that dickhead party animal lackey that always seems to get his ass kicked by people like Waylon Cash. This week though, in War, I'm not only going to get one member of The Beach Krew. If things work out I can get in the ring with all the members of the Beach Krew. The man who either killed Crow themselves or conspired to kill Scarecrow. Make no mistake, I blame you. I blame each and every one of you. And funny thing about the WCF, Seth Lerch has good lawyers, Pantheon has good lawyers. And in that wrestling ring mistakes can happen. Mistakes where someone gets seriously hurt. Mistakes where someone might get killed. Seth would hate the bad publicity of a second murder in as many pay per views wouldn't he? I'll bet he would make sure it never went to trial. That it was considered an accident. Just a little food for thought Beach Krew. You seem quiet Shaun, anything on your mind?
Shaun wisely just shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Now I'm not even saying I'm going to do the deed myself. You are marked men Beach Krew, you are more marked men than you have ever thought, ever dreamed off. Think about this, Wade Moor wrongly believed that Scarecrow killed his father. When Wade wrestled Scarecrow my friend Scarecrow was murdered. You think that was coincidence? You think everyone else on the roster thinks that was a coincidence? You think everyone isn't thinking that there's always a chance the same thing could happen to them. The Beach Krew could blame them for something heinous and then dispose of them? The Beach Krew said they were going to finish first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth in War. And in a way they were completely right. They are going to be the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth people into the extensive care ward when War is over.
Alex crackles his knuckles.
Alex Richards: Wade Moor, I consider you the mastermind, I consider you the brains, what little brains there are, behind the Beach Krew. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be the cause of your permanent end. And if I do, it will obviously be an accident. But know this.. an eye for an eye, a life for a life, and a disrespecting the dead for a disrespecting the dead. I looked it up Wade, the maximum sentence Desecration of a human corpse is 7 years. So if I were to plead guilty, considering the circumstances I would most likely serve zero jail time. You know what that means Wade? If War happens to be your final night on Earth, I would able to go to your visitation, open up your coffin and shit directly on your face! As my final statement, my final goodbye towards you. Now if I went to all the trouble of learning that.. let's just say for the Beach Krew war is not going to be a war, it'll be a massacre.
Fade To Black...
Narrator: (SZR) No! I don't think so! We promised you guys that big finish we were eluding to earlier and at least one of the three of us are sober enough to make sure that happens!
The video feed cuts back in to the middle of a wrestling ring, it is not an WCF wrestling ring however it appears to be similar but not the actual WCF ring. Surrounding the ring are boards obviously left up from either a recent or an upcoming hockey game and many many empty seats. In the middle of the ring is Alex Richards who paces back and forth.
Alex Richards: Do you guys remember this arena? I know I'll never forget this arena. The Expo Center in Fort Pierre, South Dakota. I remember the last time I was here, November 9th 2014, second round of the WCF Classic tournament for the vacant United States championship to the victor of the tournament. At the time I was a recent People's champion, I was the last man remaining on my team in the Hellimination match. Thing were going my way until I faced Deuce Murdoch. I thought I had the match, I had him set up for the Unconscious Truth and then..
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: A great counter by Murdoch sent me into the great steps then one Chuck Norris and one Rob Van Damme Special later. I know, I know it's the Jean Claude Van Damme special but he just ain't what he used to be. But back to my point, I got nailed with Deuce's kicks and was defeated by way of a count out. And that sent my career into a tailspin. Next week I battled number one contender Bobby Cairo, got beat. I battled Jayson Price for the internet championship, got beat there as well. And that was it for me. That was it for the Archduke of Mass Confusion. One crushing loss derailed my career.
Alex looks over the ropes towards the offending ring steps.. then continues.
Alex Richards: So why I am telling you this? Simple, recently the same thing happened. I went into the Ultimate Showdown with a victory over the television champion the last week in a tag team match, at the Ultimate Showdown I left with the People's championship for a second time. Then once again, disaster struck for me. I lost the People's Championship to Spencer Adams. I lost a four way tag team match to Dune and Jackson White. I lost by dq to the fucking Beach Krew. But this time.. this time, things were different. This time I turned things around. I won the number one contendership for the United States championship over Caliban and Raymond Hatcher. Then a few weeks later, Jay Omega, Jeff Purse and myself captured the Trios Championship!
Alex looks at the steps again then smiles.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering why this is important right? Simple, every time in wrestling I got a second chance I learned from my mistakes and improved on my previous efforts. My first severe setback and losing streak. I didn't recover from. The next time, I came back stronger then ever and captured first one title and soon to be a second, the United States Championship! The first time I competed in Ultimate Showdown I left with one of the tag team championships with Oblivion. The next try I improved upon my performance and left with the People's Title! My first crack at King of Trios didn't make it one of the first round. The second time, made to the semi finals and I think if not for my partner going into business for himself we would have won it. But instead I was not one of the first trios champions. But what happened when I got a second shot at the Trios Championships? You guessed it, we won them! The first time I competed in War... I finished 8th. Every time I get another chance, I learn from my mistakes, I take my experience and build upon it, in short I deliver. This time at War will be no different. When the match is over, there will be one bald, ugly bastard in the middle of the ring, drinking a Zim-Quila and screaming YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOM! Because you know that's how I'm celebrating main eventing One.
Now We... Fade To Black
Steven Osbourne: Guess, we're boned. This place is creepy anyways. Let's go bone some chicks instead.
Alex barely responds instead reaching into his doctor's bag and pulling out a small pair of bolt cutters.
Steven Osbourne: Is there anything you don't carry in there? Why is it you always seem to have what you need in there?
Alex Richards: I come prepared. Knew I would need these...
Alex quickly snips the lock then opens the door which quickly falls off it's hinges. He looks around noticing the walls are covered in a combination of yellow discoloration stains and graffiti. There is a mess of empty containers of things like antifreeze, various gasses, broken batteries.
Steven Osbourne: Wait a second, I've dated some crazy chicks this used to be a..
Alex Richards: Meth lab.
Steven Osbourne: Wait why are we here exactly?
Alex Richards: This is my old childhood home. Well one of them at least. We lived in the other trailer, I think my parents sold that, and this one.. well what do you think happened in here?
Steven Osbourne: Your parents were meth addicts?
Alex Richards: That's the even more fucked up part. They just made it and sold it. They didn't use it. They profited off of the misery of others but they didn't even have the guts to do it to themselves. People smarter than I would say that's why I pop pills and drink excessively. Because I'm rebelling against my parents. Fucking head shrinker. I hate doctors, can't stand em that. That's why if Dr. Anus Micayle entered War I'd take it out on him. No, Steven I came here, relatively sober so I could remember what's important. I could remember to never be like my parents.
Steven Osbourne: You do know that means they are right though. So we should celebrate by banging some hot nurses.
Alex literally ignores Steven before continuing.
Alex Richards: They cared about nothing but money. They didn't care about their family, they didn't care about what was right, they didn't care how they got the money, they didn't care how much damage it did to the people who did their drugs, to their families.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: I might be a drunk, I might be a pill popper, I might be irresponsible. But here's the thing, I'm loyal to my people. People who count on me know they can count on me. Before War, a match where it's every for themselves it's good to remember who you are. Who you are loyal to. What you stand for. People are coming into War to fight for themselves. When they fail they will only have failed themselves. Me? I was loyal to the Pack, that goes without saying. I was loyal to Oblivion someone I have almost nothing in common with besides a tragic past. We both chose to deal with it in different ways. Why was I loyal to him? Because he was my teammate. I was even loyal to Tommy Greco, a scumbag mafia money man who betrayed me to win a bet. Am I loyal to Pantheon is there even a doubt?
Steven Osbourne: Yeah but how does that help you this week in War? It is every man for himself.
Alex Richards: Because everyone in the WCF, connected to the WCF, all think Pantheon's best days are past. That's where I come in. That's where I get the chance to show my loyalty. If I win War, that means a member of Pantheon main events One. That shuts everyone up! That pleases everyone of my teammates in Pantheon. Sure, we're all fighting for ourselves in the end. We know there can only be one winner. But a win for a member of Pantheon is a win for Pantheon. You know why I'm taking on this pressure upon myself.. you know why I'm here trying I have to win, I need to win..
Alex gestures to the damaged, unusable stove, the burnt countertops, the general destruction.
Alex Richards: Because I was strong enough to handle this, I was strong enough to survive having no real parents, I was strong enough to survive being raped, I was strong enough to survive mental hospitals, prison... a match? A war? For everyone else this is a true struggle... for me, I've already won the War. I've already fought battles against my family, against myself. What's War? Another battle? I've already won my personal War. A war in the wrestling ring.. that's nothing compared to what I've done in the past.
At this point a very concerned looking Shaun Zach Richards races into the room and looks around in disbelief.
SZR: What is this place?
Alex Richards: This is the place where my mother and our father used to make their money.
SZR: This is horrible. Why are you here? Why didn't you call me before you came here? Are you alright?
Alex Richards: I didn't think you needed to see this place. How did you find me anyways?
SZR: I put a tracking device on the Strange Rover.
Alex Richards: No, there isn't. I found that and gave it to a homeless guy in Milwaukee months ago.
SZR: The second tracking device. Give me some credit. Don't you think I would figure something is up when I'm with you and yet the tracking device says you're in Milwaukee?
Alex Richards: Damnit, the Zim-Quila... not always good for thinking. Speaking of which..
Alex returns to his always useful doctor's bag and pulls out a bottle of Zim-Quila and gets to chugging.
SZR: You really are okay aren't you?
Alex Richards: Getting better now Zach. See this is why I always choose to have fun because the alternative... not very pleasant.
Steven Osbourne: Speaking of having fun you should see the plans I have for the rest of your video this week! First we're going to go to your childhood house, the playboy mansion! Then we're going to go to your school and talk to all of your teachers who praise your straight A average.. then we're gonna go to the fire department and they are going to talk about that family you saved in that blaze and then..
Alex Richards: I might drink a lot but I don't remember any of that!
Steven Osbourne: That's because I made it all up!
SZR: Seriously? You want to do nothing but lie about Alex's background this week.
Steven Osbourne: You know he's not gonna be the only one. Every year around War time people bring out all this random crap that barely makes any sense for the sake of convincing people they have a chance at War, why not Alex?
Alex Richards: Because I was already going to win War without lying.
SZR: Yeah! Exactly! I'd be giving you credit.. besides the fact you apparently agreed to Steven's idea!
The big man shrugs his massive shoulders.
Alex Richards: A good cameraman is hard to find.
SZR: HEY! Should I be insulted?
Alex Richards: You spend more time bailing me out of jail then ever you did shooting video.
SZR: That sadly is true. But still, why make Steven's movie?
Steven Osbourne: Because my movies are awesome! I won a cockie just last year for my girls gone wild undercover DVD!
SZR: I heard about that. Did you get sued because you hide a camera in a YMCA locker room?
Steven Osbourne: Don't mock my art man!
SZR: You agreed to do what this guy wanted. And you weren't even drunk Alex.
Alex shakes his head almost like he can't believe it himself.
Alex Richards: He was gonna let me do the big finish.
SZR: I probably shouldn't ask but what's the big finish?
Alex explains the big finish.
SZR: That.. actually sounds good.
Steven Osbourne: Too bad you guys ruined the surprise by recording it!
SZR: Or I can edit that part out.
Steven Osbourne: You can edit stuff out? FUCK!
Alex Richards: He's still bitter about his poor performance in that movie.
Steven Osbourne: It was cold damnit!
SZR: Oh forget this! Alright Alex, how about this... new plan. We drive to... the location. And on the way you talk smack about your fellow War competitors.
Alex Richards: Can I do it drunk?
SZR: Do you know any other way to act?
Alex Richards: In that case you got yourself a deal! SHOTGUN!
Steven Osbourne: Driving!
SZR: This is a bad idea isn't it?
Steven Osbourne: With all the girls I've rode over the years driving will be a welcome change.
SZR: Definitely a bad idea.
Shaun looks over at Alex who has already raced outside, gotten himself a hose from the Strange Rover is and siphoning fuel from the gas tank directly into his mouth.
SZR: Stop that!
Alex grins at Shaun.
Alex Richards: What? You know the Strange Rover runs on Zim-Quila.
SZR: This is gonna be a long trip.
The trio get into the massive modified truck and start their trip with Alex pounding back several pints of his signature mix of vodka and Zima until Shaun decides to interrupt him.
SZR: So are you going to talk trash about your opponents now?
Alex has one more drink before answering Shaun.
Alex Richards: You see Zach, this is why I'm going to win War. Everyone else is going to be come out and just talk trash about their opponents. We all know this is going to happen. It's going to happen like 40 times in the next two weeks. But I'm not like everyone else. As my old theme song used to say, as I've said time and time again. But talk is cheap, just like the talk most of the people in War is going to be doing. Cheap words with no meaning. No, instead of simply talking trash about my opponents I'm going to get inside their heads, see how they think. Then use that against them.
SZR: That could be interesting. On the other hand it could be a complete and total train wreck.
Alex Richards: Only one way to find out! Let's get started! And who better to get started with than Zombie McMorris.
SZR: Why Zombie McMorris?
Alex Richards: Because I'll bet nobody else talks about him first! Because nobody else considers him either their biggest rival or the biggest threat to win! And for good reason. Zombie McMorris himself doesn't believe he's going to win War. Do you know why Zach?
SZR: Not a clue.
Alex Richards: I'll tell you why Zombie isn't going to win War. Because Zombie happens to be the biggest F word in WCF history! I mean he's a huge F word! When people talk about F words they should be talking about the Zombie. Z Mac calls everyone else F Words, but if they really thought about it they would realize Zombie is a much bigger F Word then they could ever hope to be! Zombie is not just an F Word Zombie is such a big F word is practicing a flaming F Word.
SZR: Would you stop calling Zombie McMorris a fa..
Alex Richards: An F Word? Not only it's completely and totally true! Nobody in the history of this world is a bigger F Word than Zombie McMorris is. He's even such an F Word that when he runs into another F word they instantly feel better about themselves. Because they know Zombie is a bigger F word than they could ever hope to be! And McMorris... McMorris gets jealous because as big of a F Word that they might be the huge F Word that is Zombie McMorris drawfs all of their F Wordedness.
SZR: Stop it just stop it.
Alex Richards: What? I'm just getting into Zombie McMorris's mindset. It's really helpful too. Because when I started to think like Zombie I realized the F word he's always using isn't the F word he's actually saying. The real F word that applies to Zombie isn't faggot but it's failure. That's why Zombie McMorris isn't going to win War because he knows and everyone else knows he's nothing but a failure. Last year at this time Zombie led a stable with the world champion, Natural Ice Beckman, the hardcore and former world champion, Steve Orbit, and the manager, Buddy Roman. At that point no one questioned it. Now? Who exactly would let Zombie lead them?
SZR: Maybe Buddy Roman?
Alex Richards: Not likely. Why do you think Buddy branched out to managing members of Imperium? He knew that he got all he could out of Zombie. Now Zombie probably wants to deny he is such a massive failure. But facts are facts. When Imperium broke up did any of it's former members want to align with Zombie? Not a chance. He faced the world champion Dune and it wasn't even made a title match. On television they didn't deem Zombie McMorris good enough to recieve a title shot. And he proved Seth Lerch right by losing to the world champion. Losing to the number one contender for the world title the week before. When it comes to the highest levels of competition Zombie McMorris has done nothing but fail. He even failed at recapturing his former glory, regaining the internet championship he claimed he was going to save.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: So yet at War Zombie McMorris is going to do what he does best fail. You know why he's going to fail? Because he's an immortal. Zombie McMorris figures he can be average forever. Eventually the level of competition will fall off enough that he will finally be the star, the world champion of a promotion. Maybe by 2200 or something. But one thing is for sure, that day is not next Sunday at War. So who's next?
SZR: How about The McNeil Clan?
Alex Richards: You know, I don't really like to say anything bad about Cormack nor his cousin Conall for that matter. Cormack was my brother in the Pack. He's someone I would consider a friend. Furthermore he's a hard drinking Scotsman who loves to fight. What is there not to like?
SZR: The haggis?
Alex Richards: I kind of like haggis.
SZR: What?
Alex Richards: Every time I tried to eat haggis against Cormack I ended up throwing up. Which meant I could drink more! If Conall is anything like his cousin, I'm sure he's a great guy too. But if Cormack or Conall and I happen to run into each other we are bound to fight. I mean I like a good fight, those Scots like a good fight. It's only natural. We will fight, it will be a hell of a lot of fun but in the end I will win the fight.
SZR: I thought you said you liked them.
Alex Richards: I do like them. But Cormack was always the guy who wanted a good fight, but he wanted a good fight more than he wanted the win. When we were in the Pack together, Cormack was always a good guy to have on your side in a scrap. But in a wrestling match? Tough as nails but not all that successful. Sorry Cormack, I like you. Really I do. But I think you're not all that concerned about winning. You might have had the poorest record of anyone in the Pack. Again, not trying to bash you. But even since he's come back he hasn't been all that successful. So when the War match starts I expect Cormack to come hard, hell maybe even bust me open. But in the end, the result is gonna be the same as most of his matches. I'll know I was in a fight, I'll be sore, but I'll also be the winner. Now I'm gonna have to move onto a serious threat.. a very serious threat... BILLY!
SZR: Billy is a serious threat to win War?
Alex Richards: Don't kid yourself Zach, Billy is the most dangerous man in War. He recently won a War! He recently declared War on McDonalds and absolutely obliterated them! He totally cleaned out their whole store! No Big Macs left! No fries left! No Chicken Nuggets left! I'm telling you Zach, War is hell! Fortunately by getting into Billy's head I was able to figure out what his game plan is going to be for War. He's going to load up on can after can of Bush's Baked Beans before the match and try and keep everyone from attacking him by unleashing killer farts!
SZR: Will you be serious?
Alex Richards: I'm accusing someone by using chemical warfare. That sounds really serious to me.
SZR: I mean take the opponent serious!
Alex Richards: Why? I'm talking about Billy. If this was at a Hometown Buffet Billy would be a challenge for me. But it's not, it's a wrestling match. You saw what Billy did last week against Waylon Cash and Vic Venable. Against a real wrestler he's not a real challenge. But I do have some good news for Billy. he'll be out earlier than me, since I'm winning, so I won't have a chance at the food backstage. HEY!
Alex suddenly realizing he's missing out retorts with anger.
Alex Richards: That's it Billy! I'm gonna have to kick you in the gut so hard it takes you two hours to catch your breathe! I don't want to come back to the locker room to celebrate my victory and there's nothing left but spinach! And speaking of difficult, Tyler Walker and Biohazard!
SZR: You've had too much to drink haven't you?
Alex Richards: No such thing! But this really is a challenge. I mean how am I supposed to get inside of heads of Biowalker? I don't know if he's Tyson or Tyler or Walker Flyocker Flame or.. I mean I certainly don't gladiate because I'm glad. Nor I can I spit ooze to faces. I am not a space werewolf. This is really tough. I know what they should do though. They clearly need to get Jimmy Wicked to come back and all enter the ring at the same time as Wicked Biowalker! Now that would be sweet!
SZR: But what about the match?
Alex Richards: I think I'm gonna have to hope to get lucky. Most of their opponents seem to so the odds are in my favor right? But they did beat Logan so I'm taking nothing for granted. It's going to be a struggle, this could come down to myself and the space werewolf and the master of the ooze.
Shaun rolls his eyes.
SZR: And what are you going to do against their combined might?
Alex Richards: Fortunately I watched the ninja turtle movies so I know the secret of the ooze! And as for the Space Werewolf, I'll gonna get myself a pair of barber shears and give Wolfie a mohawk! I know silver bullets stop normal werewolves but space werewolves, don't even think about it. So by giving him an awesome haircut he'll be easy prey. You ever hear a mohawked Space Werewolf howl at the moon, Zach? I'm telling you it's a site to behold!
SZR: I'm sure it is.
Alex Richards: Speaking of people who's heads I'm already in there's Gonzo Murdoch. You remember a few weeks ago when I said Murdoch was still alive? Everyone said I was crazy. Even Doug said I was crazy. But I wasn't. I was right wasn't I? I knew Deuce was going to turn up sooner rather than later and quite frankly I'm happy to see him here.
SZR: Why is that?
Alex Richards: Remember how |I accused Deuce Murdoch of being the hit man behind the Scarecrow's murder. Now I'll get the chance to talk to him up close and personal. By up close and personal I mean punch him in the face.. a lot.
SZR: Yeah, I think everyone got that.
Alex Richards: That sounds crazy too doesn't it. But think about it, Gonzo has probably killed people without thinking about how kind of person they were, how their family might feel, the effect it might have on the country, or nothing besides it's his job. Why isn't it likely Deuce might have gone into business for himself. I mean look at what happened to Doug Murdoch.
SZR: He got fired.
Alex Richards: I know that. But why? Why would Seth Lerch fire Doug Murdoch? That move doesn't make any sense. Unless of course Deuce had something to do with it. What sounds more likely, that unbelievable story Seth gave to Deuce on camera. Or the fact that Deuce was jealous of his brother, who had never lost a singles match in the WCF, and went to Seth and offered to return, offered to come back. If Seth released his brother, and gave him a lot of money. Since Deuce is the bigger star, Seth jumped at the chance.
SZR: That's.. pretty clear thinking considering how much you had to drink in the last hour.
Alex Richards: That's what experience gets you. See Zach, I told you should drink more. The way I see it, Deuce is the kind of guy who would sell out his own brother in order to get what he wants, he's the type of man who could be hired as a hit man. And now that he's back in the WCF... why is he back in the WCF? What's his end game? What's his ultimate goal? If I were a betting man I would say the recent Dark Riders Gang losing streak has something to do with it.
SZR: He wasn't part of that.
Alex Richards: Yeah but it seems like a good thing for a hostile takeover doesn't it? The DRG are slumping, are looking for answers, and suddenly, surprisingly here's Deuce Murdoch. He takes out the only member of the DRG who isn't slumping, then he offers them the answers. He slowly takes over the organization. You saw what happened in Mexico the last time he had the ear of DRG leadership. Bates was horrified over the deaths they caused, but for Deuce it was just par for the course. Makes you wonder doesn't it? Makes you wonder if he wants to use the DRG to make his mercurany jobs that much easily?
SZR: That's kind of scary.
Alex Richards: Last time we met in the WCF things went your way. You declared War on the Pack and decimated us. For awhile. Then Jay Omega caught up to you, defeated you, embarrassed you. And that was the end of Deuce Murdoch for awhile. This time, I don't want to let Jay have all the fun! I want to be the one to get MY revenge, I want to be the one who spoils your plans this time. Deuce, you're so arrogant. You return to the WCF immediately competing in War. You haven't wrestled in months but yet you come back and assume you're going to win War. You made a mistake Deuce and next weekend I will be more than happy to show you how much of a mistake you made. You won't win War, you won't take over The Dark Riders Gang, and if you were the one behind Scarecrow's death, this time when you disappear.. you'll stay disappeared.
SZR: Don't forget about the rest of the Dark Riders Gang.
Alex Richards: Are they still a gang? Down to three members now aren't they? Thomas Bates, Gemini Battle.. everyone thought Thomas was doing well. Everyone thought Thomas was on the fast track to the main event, he was the next world champion. At first it looked like he was going to achieve that potential. Won the Television title, steam rolled through the king of trios tournament. Then the wheels fell off. Do you know why he fell off Zach?
SZR: Forgot to bolt them?
Alex Richards: That's easier to do then you think Zach.
SZR: No, it isn't. It's only easy to do when you're hammered.
Alex Richards: Fair point. But seriously the reason that Thomas Bates started off so strong but then proved himself to be ordinary is simple. Thomas Bates has one big strength. His size and strength. He's not a great thinker, he's not a great wrestler, he's not a great leader. He has one thing and one thing only going for him. The fact he's a giant. The first time people saw Bates, they didn't know how to deal with him. Then they learned besides his size he's nothing special. Even the Dark Riders learned that. Remember what a massive group they were in their prime? Everyone realized that tying their fortunes to Thomas Bates was a poor move. He has no good strategy, his morals get in the way of his wrestling career. Thomas Bates is a giant, but that's the absolute only thing he has going for him.
Steven Osbourne: That and the fact that Denise D'Evil is hot and has the hots for him!
SZR: Seriously? You've been quiet for hours and this is what you choose to break your silence with?
Alex Richards: I did promise Steven the chance to talk about anything ladies who happen to be in War.
Steven Osbourne: And I'm taking full advantage of it! Denise D'evil in addition to being hot is also an ancient immortal. You know how hot that is? I mean I know why Thomas Bates would want to court her. She's probably a great, great, great, great, great gilf! You know how much I would like to cross that off my bucket list!
SZR: I hope she chops your head off with a sword.
Steven Osbourne: Dude, that's cruel! You think she should kill me for saying she's hot.
SZR: I didn't mean that head.
Steven Osbourne: Ouch, dude harsh.
Alex Richards: That's what I mean. Putting your group at risk because you have a crush on a member of a rival group? Shit, he might not even actually have morals that say he doesn't hit women. Maybe he just doesn't want to hit Denise because he likes her. Either way he's getting his group into trouble. I don't know which is worse, whether he gets them into trouble because of his outdated moral code, or because he's immature with women! Then there's the only guy who appears to have actually stood beside him.
SZR: Gemini Battle, right?
Alex Richards: Right. Here's the thing about Battle, he lacks confidence. He could do big things but instead he chooses not to even try to. He was content just being Trios Champion. He didn't go for other titles. He didn't pick bigger targets. He just kind of flounders, comfortable as a member of the DRG. Did he do it because he's truly loyal to the DRG? Absolutely not. You remember when he first aligned with him and tried to become their leader, right? No, Battle stays in the Dark Riders Gang for a very simple reason, it makes him a big fish in a small pond. Gemini Battle is easily the best member of the Dark Riders, but that isn't saying much. He could do much more but he chooses not to try and achieve bigger goals. So now he's in War, and I'm sure he'll do.. okay. He'll make sure he does okay then he';ll fold because that means he didn't have to make the leap to the main event. He didn't really have to try to achieve something. I may have failed against a lot of top stars, but I've defeated some as well. Because I always try to improve my status. So if War came down to me and Gemini Battle, the driven, determined Zim-Quila chugging warrior against the guy who isn't really sure who he is and what he wants to do. What do you think is gonna happen?
Steven Osbourne: Group orgy?
SZR: You should ignore that.
Alex Richards: That's what Oblivion's gathering is probably doing before War. The Angels of Death are someone Gem Battle, Tommy Bates, and Murdoch might need to worry about. But I know the AOD. They are in this match for one reason, to hurt people. They will do that. But they won't win. That's Oblivion's M.O. He just wants to make someone suffer. Win, lose, draw, he always does that. Fortunately for me, I'm not wrestling in War just to hurt people, I'm in War to win the whole damn thing.
SZR: So are your teammates.
Alex Richards: Fucking bastards! All fucking month Jay Omega and Jeff Purse have been bantering back and forth how which one of them are gonna win. Did you forget about me? I'm massive, ugly, and hungry! Not just hungry for a win either. We should stop for Chinese soon. I agree with you guys that a member of Pantheon is gonna win but it's not going to be either of you. It's gonna be this guy! And for overlooking me I'm swearing vengeance.. I'm gonna stuff Jay Omega's bong with Oregano so his post match smoke sucks! And as for Jeff Purse before the match I'm gonna use the bathroom... and not wash my hands! Yeah take that!
Alex laughs briefly.
Alex Richards: Seriously dudes, one of us is gonna win. I think it's me, you guys think it's you and only one of us is gonna be right. But one of us are going to be right.
SZR: We're almost there Alex. You should start to wrap this up.
Alex Richards: Well there is no way I'm not going to talk about my friend David Sanchez. He's been avoiding me all month long! He's been refusing to face me.So I think the most appropriate response is to give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore him back!
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: But when I really think about it. When I really get inside his head I know what makes David Sanchez tick. He wants to be remembered. He wants to be noticed. So it must have made him feel like shit last week when he didn't show up at Slam... and absolutely no one missed him. They barely noticed Davey! And what did I do Sanchez? Pantheon and I captured the Trios Championships. We won a title and you.. did nothing. So this week I get the chance to get my revenge for you avoiding me, you dodging me.. you know what my revenge is going to be. Eliminating you from War. Sending you back to obscurity. Making you be forgotten. I'm going to make sure the only thing you're remembered as is one of the guys Alex Richards eliminated before going to One and winning the world championship.
SZR: He is the US champion though. So he will be remembered.
Alex Richards: That's his hope, that's his dream. But soon, I'm going to take that from him too. I'm going to take his title, take his chance at winning War away from him as well, show how why he never should have disrespected me. You had a championship but I'm gonna make sure you're as remembered as Serbia, Caleb Fourchon, Cheetah Fighter, Ryan Rhodes, and Occulo. Oh, he's in this match for a few seconds too. My bad. All those people have held titles and now if you see their names on the title histories you have to Wikipedia them to find out who they are. That's your biggest fear isn't it Sanchez? I saw you in the hall of fame insulting the entrants. You know what that says to me? You're jealous. You feel inferior to them. And you're right to. Because you are inferior to them. You are inferior to me. Your fifteen minutes of fame are almost over David. You couldn't conduct yourself as a champion. You had to go and disrespect me. Your downfall starts now Davey.
Alex seems to be getting more and more worked out.
Alex Richards: Then there's Legion... FUCK YOU LEGION!
Steven Osbourne: You want to fuck Legion?
Alex Richards: Legion fucking called me the fucking down syndrome member of Pantheon. What the fuck is his problem? I actually know what Legion's problem is. He's fucking jealous of me! I'm a member of Pantheon.. a member. Look at him, he's not only a lackey to NVL but NVL was also a lackey to Doctor Anus. He's a lackey to a lackey! I'm my own man, he's a fucking puppet! And now even that puppet Jeff Purse used to talk to. He is much much worse. He decides to run me down, but at least I make my own decisions, fight my own fights. Two weeks ago, he scored a victory in a tag match against Jeff and myself. What happened from there? Pantheon received and won the Trios Championships. Legion.. fought a woman who was a manager. By choice. Nathan took out his scheduled opponent Bryan Worthy SO he could fight someone who had no chance. That speaks volumes about him doesn't it? He doesn't'\t want real competition, he doesn't want to think for himself? What exactly does he want? Legion, I am a contender and the eventual winner of War. You are a lackey in life, and space filler in War. Deal with it!
Steven Osbourne: Sick burn! Hey, I just realized there is another woman on the roster Aurora! Don't hurt her too badly in War Alex, I like her, she's kinky. She can keep the mask on while we're doing it mime style!
SZR: I hope one of the ladies in War hurt you Steven.
Steven Osbourne: Hurt so good.
SZR: Ten minutes away.
Alex Richards: Good, I have enough time. To talk about the men I was saving for last. I don't save them for last because they are the biggest threats. Make no mistake. I am saving them for last because they are the people I have the least respect for. And this is a match containing David Sanchez so that's quite difficult to do. I am talking of course about the Beach Krew. To be perfectly honest I've been trying to get inside people's head. I'm not going to do that with the Beach Krew. I don't want to think like them even for a second. Every time I heard of about them, is some random space space reference this, hashtag bottle service that, hashtag something else, brag about how they are the gods of the wcf, etc etc so on and so forth. Whenever they start talking they think every else is #BeachBodied, but really we're all just #BeachBored. The fucking Beach Krew, you know who those guys remind me of?
SZR: The victims on Jaws?
Alex Richards: Maybe Jaws 2 or 3. Something no one would watch by choice and everyone hates. But that's actually not where I was going at all. The Beach Krew remind me of people like Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, Carlos Mencia, Dane Cook, and oh wait there's a girl in there so Kathy Griffin. People who think they are really funny but whatever anyone else hears them speak they just want to drown those morons in a toilet.
SZR: A toilet?
Alex Richards: Yes a toilet! Because the ocean, the lake, the river, even a bathtub is too good for them. Wasting perfectly good water on them is a tragedy! I mean have you heard the nonsense that comes out of their mouth. They constantly brag about how they beat me after all. I can understand that. Beating me is a big deal. But they didn't beat me. The only thing they did was dupe the referee. Congratulations on that. Sure, in the books it goes down as a win. But what it really proved is you knew you couldn't actually beat me and Scarecrow so you had to do that. Because it was the only way you could win. The Beach Krew is where every who can't cut it on their own goes. Sandy Coconuts? Yeah there's a serious threat.
Steven Osbourne: I missed one! I want to drink milk from her coconuts!
Alex Richards: Enough! Rico Rojas, the man who Dustin Beaver made his bitch. Kyle Kemp, who lost not once, not twice, not three times, but four times to me! Kyle Kemp claims he's better than you. But really he's just my personal bitch. So he joined the Bitch Krew of course! Think I'm wrong about them? Look at what the Bitch Krew has done since they entered. They weren't better than Mejor Redemption, they knew it so they injured Mitch Morales. They weren't better than Vic Veneble so Rico Rojas hired thugs to jump him so he could get the cheap win. They certainly weren't better then Scarecrow.. Wade Moor was not winning that match until that fucking scumbag fucking murderer fucking.. you know what... I can't do this.. I need to be completely sober in order to get my message across to The Bitch Krew.
Alex walks away and returns carrying his “beer” helmet created by Telsa. Alex carefully gets the hat on and then touches the button on the side. Instantly all humor fades from the big man.
Alex Richards: Los Tiburones, Wade Moor, Kyle Kemp, Rico Rojas, Andre Aquarius and Sandy Coconutz. I mention all of you by name because I want you to know where my focus is. I want you to know how much trouble you are in. You had something do to with the murder of Scarecrow. It could have been one of your members. You easily could have hired someone. That seems more your style anyways. You wouldn't actually get your hands dirty. You're not real men. You always take the easiest possible way out. Then what did you do? You sealed your fate. By mocking the Scarecrow's public memorial. Pantheon didn't come out then. We were too busy stopping Chelsea Armstrong from ending you. You know why I wanted to stop her?
Alex grins a grim smile.
Alex Richards: She would have went to jail. But jail isn't really that bad. Oh, the bad part is.. she would have only gotten one of you. The rest would have escaped their just punishment. And it would have been one of the lesser members Andrew, Sandy, Jim Thuggin again, probably that dickhead party animal lackey that always seems to get his ass kicked by people like Waylon Cash. This week though, in War, I'm not only going to get one member of The Beach Krew. If things work out I can get in the ring with all the members of the Beach Krew. The man who either killed Crow themselves or conspired to kill Scarecrow. Make no mistake, I blame you. I blame each and every one of you. And funny thing about the WCF, Seth Lerch has good lawyers, Pantheon has good lawyers. And in that wrestling ring mistakes can happen. Mistakes where someone gets seriously hurt. Mistakes where someone might get killed. Seth would hate the bad publicity of a second murder in as many pay per views wouldn't he? I'll bet he would make sure it never went to trial. That it was considered an accident. Just a little food for thought Beach Krew. You seem quiet Shaun, anything on your mind?
Shaun wisely just shakes his head.
Alex Richards: Now I'm not even saying I'm going to do the deed myself. You are marked men Beach Krew, you are more marked men than you have ever thought, ever dreamed off. Think about this, Wade Moor wrongly believed that Scarecrow killed his father. When Wade wrestled Scarecrow my friend Scarecrow was murdered. You think that was coincidence? You think everyone else on the roster thinks that was a coincidence? You think everyone isn't thinking that there's always a chance the same thing could happen to them. The Beach Krew could blame them for something heinous and then dispose of them? The Beach Krew said they were going to finish first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth in War. And in a way they were completely right. They are going to be the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth people into the extensive care ward when War is over.
Alex crackles his knuckles.
Alex Richards: Wade Moor, I consider you the mastermind, I consider you the brains, what little brains there are, behind the Beach Krew. Now I'm not saying I'm going to be the cause of your permanent end. And if I do, it will obviously be an accident. But know this.. an eye for an eye, a life for a life, and a disrespecting the dead for a disrespecting the dead. I looked it up Wade, the maximum sentence Desecration of a human corpse is 7 years. So if I were to plead guilty, considering the circumstances I would most likely serve zero jail time. You know what that means Wade? If War happens to be your final night on Earth, I would able to go to your visitation, open up your coffin and shit directly on your face! As my final statement, my final goodbye towards you. Now if I went to all the trouble of learning that.. let's just say for the Beach Krew war is not going to be a war, it'll be a massacre.
Fade To Black...
Narrator: (SZR) No! I don't think so! We promised you guys that big finish we were eluding to earlier and at least one of the three of us are sober enough to make sure that happens!
The video feed cuts back in to the middle of a wrestling ring, it is not an WCF wrestling ring however it appears to be similar but not the actual WCF ring. Surrounding the ring are boards obviously left up from either a recent or an upcoming hockey game and many many empty seats. In the middle of the ring is Alex Richards who paces back and forth.
Alex Richards: Do you guys remember this arena? I know I'll never forget this arena. The Expo Center in Fort Pierre, South Dakota. I remember the last time I was here, November 9th 2014, second round of the WCF Classic tournament for the vacant United States championship to the victor of the tournament. At the time I was a recent People's champion, I was the last man remaining on my team in the Hellimination match. Thing were going my way until I faced Deuce Murdoch. I thought I had the match, I had him set up for the Unconscious Truth and then..
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: A great counter by Murdoch sent me into the great steps then one Chuck Norris and one Rob Van Damme Special later. I know, I know it's the Jean Claude Van Damme special but he just ain't what he used to be. But back to my point, I got nailed with Deuce's kicks and was defeated by way of a count out. And that sent my career into a tailspin. Next week I battled number one contender Bobby Cairo, got beat. I battled Jayson Price for the internet championship, got beat there as well. And that was it for me. That was it for the Archduke of Mass Confusion. One crushing loss derailed my career.
Alex looks over the ropes towards the offending ring steps.. then continues.
Alex Richards: So why I am telling you this? Simple, recently the same thing happened. I went into the Ultimate Showdown with a victory over the television champion the last week in a tag team match, at the Ultimate Showdown I left with the People's championship for a second time. Then once again, disaster struck for me. I lost the People's Championship to Spencer Adams. I lost a four way tag team match to Dune and Jackson White. I lost by dq to the fucking Beach Krew. But this time.. this time, things were different. This time I turned things around. I won the number one contendership for the United States championship over Caliban and Raymond Hatcher. Then a few weeks later, Jay Omega, Jeff Purse and myself captured the Trios Championship!
Alex looks at the steps again then smiles.
Alex Richards: I'll bet you're wondering why this is important right? Simple, every time in wrestling I got a second chance I learned from my mistakes and improved on my previous efforts. My first severe setback and losing streak. I didn't recover from. The next time, I came back stronger then ever and captured first one title and soon to be a second, the United States Championship! The first time I competed in Ultimate Showdown I left with one of the tag team championships with Oblivion. The next try I improved upon my performance and left with the People's Title! My first crack at King of Trios didn't make it one of the first round. The second time, made to the semi finals and I think if not for my partner going into business for himself we would have won it. But instead I was not one of the first trios champions. But what happened when I got a second shot at the Trios Championships? You guessed it, we won them! The first time I competed in War... I finished 8th. Every time I get another chance, I learn from my mistakes, I take my experience and build upon it, in short I deliver. This time at War will be no different. When the match is over, there will be one bald, ugly bastard in the middle of the ring, drinking a Zim-Quila and screaming YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOM! Because you know that's how I'm celebrating main eventing One.
Now We... Fade To Black
