Spencer Adams Vs. The World (WAR Pt. 1)

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Part 1: Spencer Adams vs. The World 

We open up on a shot of Spencer Adams and Petrov sitting in what looks like a small office space. The contents make it look somewhat barren other than the two chairs that they are sitting in and a large banner with semi-dry paint that sloppily spells out “WAR ROOM” in large red letters. Petrov cracks his knuckles as Spencer runs his fingers through his hair before looking up to reveal a face covered in a freshly applied pattern.

Petrov: Welcome, all buddies! Petrov welcomes all fucks and fuckettes to Spencer Adams obligatory, fourth wall ass fuck, promo video! Petrov help with such shit for Betty pussy show error of ways and make Petrov much happier person, so ultimate ass kicker has decided to join his buddy for make good shooting and wrestling training.

The antidote turns to his imposing new ally with a blank and clearly unamused expression on his face before looking up towards the camera.

Spencer: War is finally upon us. This is when all the hard work that one put into the business is put to the test. Those who are not primed to succeed will simply drown among the other desperate souls. What we are all about to witness is the biggest match in the entire industry, one where there are no true alliances. All of that bullshit about friends and foes is flushed down the shitter for the chance to headline pro wrestling’s super bowl. When we walk down that ramp in Oklahoma City, the arena will become our battlefield. There will be no good guys or bad guys, only warriors and I am just the kind of one man army who has nothing to lose and would love nothing more than to absolutely demolish each and every being that walks down that ramp both before and after I do.

These walls around me are covered in posters that capture the record books. These posters show those competitors who won WAR in the past. I’ve hung these from the walls of this little bunker as a reminder, a motivator that tells me who will be winning this year. While all these faces are secured inside these glass frames, I have one empty frame just waiting to be hung up, one that will soon contain a portrait of the antidote standing tall on the top turnbuckle after having dethroned the entire locker room. That is what’s at stake here, that is why this room exists. This is the kind of match that drives me to be who I am, a fucking champion. You can call it an upset, but I see it as the inevitable.

Petrov: Yes, intro is good. Is time for the shooting now. Let us start with shittiest of competition.

Spencer: Soooo...Adam Young and company?

Petrov: Yes.

Spencer: What do we have to say about Adam Young and his “friend?” Austin Adams? Well, I guess we start off with the obvious by calling them out for the fucking losers that they really are. What a waste of life you two are. In between fisting each other while Myra does whatever the fuck it is that she does, all you two seem to do is consistently underwhelm the masses with your shitty fucking excuse for wrestling that you ripped off from early-2000’s hardcore wrestling tapes. I mean, when is the last time that you actually won a serious match that somebody didn’t give to you just so that they could laugh at your fucking delusion? Do you actually realize that you are quite possibly the worst motherfucker in the locker room or are you too busy telling yourself that people actually enjoy your millions of failed gimmick changes, fake retirements, and unwanted returns to the company? Most of the WCF hopefuls that you’ve been associated with are lucky to even make it to their first match before they disappear for good usually. You’re the Heath Slater of WCF and are little more than a bottom feeder prone to a future wave of budget cuts made by Seth Lerch. I won’t waste much more time on you, because I know that you’ll be eliminated faster than all those characters you scrapped in favor of equally terrible ones. #FuckTheFourthWall

Petrov: Next is time for ultimate pussy fuck that calls himself destroyer!

Spencer: Right? Well...shit. Do I actually have to shoot on Ultimate Destroyer? We’re talking about the only guy that is possibly worse than Adam Young. The man is a pile of dung with a persona straight out of an arcade game. It’s like this motherfucker’s mom told him no when he asked for the WCF action figures, so he settled on the generic “wrestler figure” from the dollar store with eyes that look like they were painted on by a blind infant and that’s what you aspired to be, a generic fucking spank of a jobber. You call yourself the product of lab experiments, but we can all smell the juice and inbred DNA from miles away. If you do decide to actually show up to compete, just do yourself a favor and step right back over the minute you enter the ring, because I promise that I will leave you looking similar to the consistency of dried oatmeal. I’m over this jobber. Who’s next on the list?

Petrov simply laughs in a monotone voice as he points to the name on the notepad.

Spencer: Bad News Barrett..uh...I mean Benson. Yeah, that’s right. Wait, aren’t you just a creation of the asshole I just got done talking about? I guess I can’t say you’re a complete waste of space yet seeing as you’ve been here such a short time and we have such very little to judge you on other than the fact that you’re about as boring as they come. There’s not a doubt in my mind that we will see you pinned and eliminated from the match fast enough to set the new record for such a thing. I can’t exactly say that you’ll be missed, but we wish you the best in your future endeavors, even though they will likely consist of sobbing into the bottom of an empty tub of Häagen-Dazs followed by sitting on your arm for a half hour and trying to jerk it while you pretend that it’s your lover doing so.

Spencer lets out a small chuckle as he taps his finger at one of the names on the pad.

Spencer: Denise D’evil..what a character you are. I’m not about to sit here and put you down for being a woman or some lame unoriginal shit like that, but what I will call you is sad. It’s like you’ve bottom fed for so long that you are now drooling at the prospect of using someone like Thomas Bates to spotlight yourself. Desperation rolls off your body like sweat coming off the weird kid in gym class. You probably saw where Thomas Bates was a couple months ago and figured that even with his fall down the ladder that he could still be of some use to you. Did you think that just being on screen at the same time as him would make you relevant? Looks like you struck out on that one, Denise. Excuse me while I shit on the fourth wall, because it’s like TNA thinking that Hulk Hogan would start a second monday night war just by being there and in this case, you are Dixie Carter. I mean, you’re kind of here and you almost know what’s going on but not really. So sad. Have fun getting squashed in the main event and take a moment to appreciate being at the top of the card, because it’s likely the last time you’ll be in the final hour of a card.

Petrov: Now is deviled eggs jobber buddies time to get assfuck.

Spencer: Oh my dearest Night Rider..don’t you worry..the antidote hasn’t forgotten about you. Do you take pleasure in the fact that your lady is sleeping with the enemy? Are you willing to forgive her when she ends up with a little one in her tummy and it’s not yours? Will you raise it as your own...or stand by shaking your head as he ends up in the principal's office for beating on his black classmates? You can’t compete in this shit, man. You’re too pre-occupied with your own little soap opera to put forth the proper effort needed to win a match of this caliber. Denise is probably fucking you over and I don’t think you even realize it. She may be an advocate of destruction, but I promise that she is far from an angel. I know what personal struggle is like, in fact, I’m much more acquainted with it than you could ever imagine. I feel for you, but you better believe that I see that struggle and have taken notice to the fact that you aren’t doing so great with it. Your fragile little world is crumbling faster than that shit show you call a stable and WAR won’t be the night that you get up and dust yourself off.

He pulls a pen out of his pocket, crossing off the names of jobbers that he has verbally shit on so far.

Spencer: Then we have the best member of AoD, Oblivion. However, you probably shouldn’t take much pride in being the only person remotely worth a shit among a group of casuals. Being in a group like that is a big part of what is eating away at your legitimacy as a competitor. Do you want to know why I can guarantee that you will not win this match? It’s because you’re completely out of touch with basically everything to do with WCF. This belief that your antics put fear in our hearts is just plain silly and we entertain it only because we hope that maybe you’ll shake off the rust and become the monster you once were.

Do you really think you had programmed Spencer Adams to be your minion when we tagged together? I’ve lived through shit much worse than you could ever come up with. Your act is stale and isn’t working. We all know it and sadly, IT’s evil side doesn’t have the creativity to mix it up. You’ve gone from a true innovator of twisted shit to being little more than a story from creepypasta being retold by a pre-pubescent eleven year old boy. Do yourself a favor, step away for a bit, go back to the drawing board, and come back with a better strategy than the bullshit that we’ve seen from you lately. We’re all honestly desensitized to you weak shit and would appreciate it if you either stepped it up or just called it a career.

He hangs his head as he looks at the next couple names on the list.

Spencer: Really? I really have to shoot on #BeachKrew’s lesser members? Here we Sandy Coconutz who is one of the most ridiculous people that may or may not enter the match. Does anybody expect Sandy Coconutz to make any sort of impact when she can barely manage to stand up? I refuse to pay more mind than this to someone who may not even bother showing up. We also have someone who is maybe a bit more serious, but not by much. I’m talking about Andre Aquarius of course. While Andre might be a bit more capable of in-ring competition, he’s not much different than Sandy when it comes to just how much this son of a bitch doesn’t care about the business. While the rest of his stable mates might be a bit more a threat, Andre doesn’t really want the win and that’s why there’s no way that he will actually come away with it. Sorry “bruh”, but this match is for serious competitors, not idiot fucking burnouts who would rather get baked on someone’s couch then show up to compete. Please show yourself to the door before me or any of the other’s in the back decide to launch you out of it.

Petrov: Fuck is this?

Petrov points to the next ridiculous motherfucker on the list.

Spencer: LA Kush? Where do they find these fucking jobbers? Does he really think that it makes him edgy or something to try to push the concept that he smokes weed? Nobody really gives a fuck if you do or not. It really doesn’t and judging by the fact that the website has a profile for this man that is filled with nothing but weed references, I’d say that he’s probably not going to be sticking around here very long. I’ve seen motherfuckers coming in and out and a name like LA Kush screams “I’m a joke”. So..since you want to come in here with a profile that looks like it was made by a Call of Duty player, why don’t you do us all a favor you fucking troll, turn your oven to four hundred twenty degrees, climb in that shit, and close the door. Do I smell shit? No, just the smell of LA Kush’s burning flesh and I must say that it pleases me.

He glances down at the notepad again.

Spencer: Jimmy Anderson and Richie Valentine..aka...the experience. Rumor has it that you two might be buds with everybody’s favorite punching bag, Adam Young. I already know you are fucking worthless and you get the shortest amount of shoot dedicated to you of anyone that may be in this match. Have fun being slaughtered, that is, if you even debut.

He reaches up into his nose with his pointer finger, digging out a booger and wiping it on the line with Jimmy and Richie’s names.

Spencer: Now this Joseph Vacher I’ve heard a bit about. He’s a rather large man and is supposed to be the millionth fucking dipshit to go with the gimmick of being mysterious. Dear Seth Lerch, please stop signing these lobotomized motherfuckers to WCF contract. I don’t want this man’s blood to be on my hands but when you sign a bunch of dumb fuckers like this up before the WAR match, I have no choice but to wipe each and every one of them out. You have two things working against you in a match like this. First, you’re a big guy and big guys will always be the target in a match where it is every man for himself. Normally people wouldn’t work together in a match like WAR, but you become a priority to eliminate because you’re large and pesky. Second, you haven’t seen action yet and I promise you that you have no idea what WCF is about. We will fucking cannibalize you.

Petrov: Pussy fucks come into federation thinking that large size is enough. Petrov will eat fucks like you for breakfast.

Spencer: Jeff Danger, shame on you. You wanna come into a place like this and blatantly ripoff some lame shit from the nineties? You’re probably one of those people who just can’t seem to get over all the overrated shit like Tupac or wrestlers with drinking problems. In case you are too stupid to understand, which you probably are coming in with this idea that such a high level of unoriginality is acceptable, let me be the first to tell you that you need creativity in that old noggin to make it around here. You clearly have none of that and for that reason, you WILL be eliminated. Sorry “Ass Man, but you’re an ass, man.

Petrov: New fucks are all bitches. Look at this pussy fuck.

He points to the paper again as Spencer looks at the next name.

Spencer: I’ve actually been doing a bit of research on these new guys and this Andre Jenson is a fucking joke, a millionaire moron living in a fantasy land. That is of course the only place that you will find yourself finishing anywhere near me. This is not the kind of thing that a board game will have prepared you for. Will most people even bother mentioning you? I don’t think they will. I guess I’m feeling generous though and willing to give the advice of giving up to you and every other other person who wants to debut in the main event of the show. Have fun brawling with Adam Young to see who wins the sacko this year.

He turns his head, letting out a sigh as he moves closer to the camera.

Spencer: Hunter Thompson, for the summary of me telling you why I’ll come out on top of you, please refer to what I said to Oblivion. You’re basically trying to do the same type of thing that he’s done for quite some time. With any shit I talk about Oblivion not being intimidating to me, just realize that you aren’t even a pinch as good at the “dark, mysterious guy” thing as he is or was. In fact, you’d probably dribble down your pants at the sight of him standing in front of you. You’re like a white kid who thinks he’s hard and WAR will be like your parents dropped you off in the projects, because you’ll be reduced to whimpering in the corner like the the poser that you are. You won’t beat me and I don’t need to give much reason as to why you won’t. That’s a fact. Are you even a wrestler? It looks to me like you are the type of person with a closet full of t-shirts with Heath Ledger’s Joker on them that you bought from Hot Topic with your birthday money. Fuck off.

It’s actually pretty irritating seeing all of these people decide to conveniently sign their contracts on the road to WAR. It’s like those kids who sneak a pack of chewing gum into the cart while their mom is checking out at the grocery store, you might expect everyone to not care or just put up with it, but I’ll give each and every one of you a lesson about what it takes to be in a place like this. From the bottom of my heart I would like to tell each and every one of you to get bent. Fuck Patrilli, fuck Marcus Peters, and fuck anyone who wants to make the choice of joining up at this time. You are weak and in no way are any of you worthy of being in the ring with the most competitive group of guys in the entire sport of professional wrestling.

Petrov: Is okay. We are almost done shooting on jobbers.

Spencer: Fuck, I hope so. Who’s next?

Petrov: Cleft lip Climb.

Spencer: Are you mispronouncing things on purpose?

Petrov just stares straight ahead as Spencer addresses the next participant.

Spencer: If you’re trying to figure out what my friend just said, he’s referring to Mr. Cletus T. Clyde. This is another one that I want to just skim or skip over completely, but fuck it, I guess we’ve got time. Since nobody pays any attention to dumb bastards like this, let me fill you in. Think of a shittier, more redneck version of Billy. This guy has “Rejected DRG hopeful” written all over him. I swear, the front office never fails to fill this roster with a redundant mix of generic rednecks, monsters, hardcore specialists, and guys with “unknown pasts. Cletus, the last big guy I managed to upset was Alex Richards. The difference is that Alex Richards is actually good, you are garbage. If you want to throw on your overalls and get your ass canceled like the Duke boys, go ahead and show up to the match, I’ll be the one to do what should’ve been done a long time ago and hand you your walking papers.

The expression on Spencer’s face becomes increasingly irritated at the list of names.

Spencer: Only a handful left before we get to the major threats I guess. Next is everyone’s favorite guy with the riddles straight from the search engine, Riddlebox. Will Riddlebox show up? Will Riddlebox arrive to the ring in the form of a stupid, outdated, handcrafted child’s toy? Probably. He’s probably scheming right now on how to make our collective skin crawl, but it’s just fucking silly at this point. It makes it damn near impossible to see a person as a serious competitor once they’ve teamed with Dustin Beaver. It’s like Seth just stuck two of the most boring guys on a team together. You’re a secondhand Vulgar on your best day and look at where that guy is now, nowhere to be found. I win this match and go on to main event One while you play Scooby Doo with the lower card.

Then we have new Pantheon prospects, Gunter Blythe and Dexter Radcliffe. So you’re entering the WAR match with promises of getting in good with Pantheon for whichever of you finishes higher. You’re probably flattered by the fact that an established group of guys are willing to give you this chance and I’m sure this opportunity sounds great for you right now, but it’s not. It’s true that I joined the DRG almost immediately after signing on with the federation. I now realize that was a mistake and not for the same old reasons that some might speculate, but because you’re selling yourself short when you join a stable before you’ve even gotten the chance to really be something in the business. In ring ability is one thing, but there is so much more that you will experience here and a stable isn’t joining up with guys that you aren’t familiar enough with can be counterproductive. One must develop into a great talent at this level before they are ready to just accept offers from a group of near strangers. It’s nothing against Pantheon as people, it’s just how it is. Don’t believe me if you don’t want, but I know what I’m talking about.

Unfortunately for the two of you, you also aren’t ready to be close to the level of anyone in that stable. Gunter Blythe and Dexter Radcliffe are to Pantheon what a mall Santa is to good ol’ Mr. Kringle, a couple of cheap imitations. Pantheon are threats in this WAR match, not their pledges and as a result of Pantheon being threats, they are targets. Every established member of the roster will be gunning for you just so that they can send a message to Pantheon as a whole. If you want that right off the bat before either of you have the experience necessary to deal with being in everyone’s sights, then go on ahead and sign your own death wish. Just like the other dozen guys who decided to join before WAR has even started, you picked the wrong fucking week to join. You are not tested and therefore, are not battle ready. We’ll arrange to have a WCF soldier knock on your momma’s doors to tell them that their babies didn’t make it out alive.

Petrov looks up a bit as he grabs a fly out of the air and crushes it in his fist.

Spencer: Dustin Beaver decided to join the WAR match I see. How unwise of you, Dusty. Why would one of the most universally disliked guys in the company think it would be a good idea to enter a match like this? You’ve been here a decent little amount of time, but have been nothing other than lower card death fodder. I’ve had matches against the big boys and trust me when I say that they will fuck you up. This is no war against the paparazzi or a war against the neighbor’s house where you show the world that you’re 3edgy5us, it’s a ring full of absolute savages that would love nothing more than to decimate you for your stupid fucking gimmick alone. You’re a poor man’s Kyle Kemp and that’s pretty bad considering that I’ve done my fair share of making him my bitch over the course of my career. As much as I dislike Kyle Kemp, you’re not even close to being on Kyle Kemp’s level. To take a page from my submissive little bitch, I know that I’m just better than you.

As I get further down this list, I come to the grumpy old troll known as Wolf. You seemed pretty salty this past week when nobody showed up to wrestle you on Slam and even tried to say that I somehow staged a brawl against the fine gentlemen known as the jobber roster. I respect your desire to go out to the ring and fight anyone who stands in your way, but your attitude towards me for not being able to come down to the ring at Slam isn’t gonna fly. Now why would Spencer Adams be beating the tar out of lower card guys before his match? I can tell you that the cameras didn’t show you the part where it was provoked by them and I can also tell you that I have no problem with fucking them up just like I have no problem fucking you up. Think of it as sending a message to people like you and anyone else who thinks this match is there time to rise above the rest and claim their spot on top of the WCF universe. I’ve spent months fighting an uphill battle to show you and everyone else that I’m next and I’m not letting anyone get in the way of that, especially not a Metallica fan.

Petrov: Petrov will also be in the WAR match.

Spencer: No you won’t..

Petrov: Fuck you, buddy! How you tell Petrov that Petrov will not be in match?

The two look at each other momentarily before turning their attention back towards the camera.

Spencer: Now that we’ve gotten past the newer guys and the jobbers, let’s talk some shit about the veterans, shall we?

Petrov nods.

Spencer: One big question mark about the WAR match is whether or not Torture will actually be defending the hardcore title. Seeing as it’s had about as many actual defenses as Jayson Price’s cruiserweight championship, I’m still not totally convinced that the belt will actually be on the line in Oklahoma City. The protection of this overrated bastard goes back about as far as anybody can recall and it’s something that has caused fans and co-workers alike to lose interest in anything that he’s involved with. It would not be shocking to see him come out with one of his jobber crew buddies to pin him so that he can demand that same jobber to lay down for him a week later in some bogus rematch.

His legitimacy as a real threat in any big match has become laughable as he’s pussy footed around taking on real challenges. If there is anybody that the “old guard” should be mad at, it’s this fucking guy for making you all look like jokes just by association. It’s no mountain of a task to dethrone Torture. I guarantee that half the fucking roster could do it if they really wanted to take that shitty nostalgia strap off his shoulder. Torture’s prestige has done nothing but plummet and so has the prestige of his championship. It’s not really even the belt that matters the most in this situation, it’s Torture himself.

Pinning Torture is less about winning the hardcore championship and more about crushing his over-inflated ego. Please, allow me to do you all a favor and fucking execute this joker. He is an old dog waiting to be put out of his misery and I will do exactly that. It’s a long time in the making and everybody watching will jump with joy when the ref’s hand pounds against that mat for a third time, effectively assassinating Torture’s shitty career. The man is a stale act that Seth only keeps around because he somehow thinks that the streak is profitable. I wonder if Mr. Lerch is just out of touch at this point, because an absent champion who gives the people nothing in the way of suspenseful entertainment is most certainly not a money maker or even worth his contract. I take pride in knowing that I will play a part in the end of Torture. Fuck what’s best for business, I’m doing what must be done.

When people talk about the veterans in the federation, there’s one guy that I can’t help but feel bad for, a man who I’ve seen do nothing but fade away and lose his legitimacy while his stable buddies all managed to leap over him and make it look easy to do so. Call him Corey Black or Creeping Death, it doesn’t matter, he’s still the most unlucky son of a bitch in any active stable. I’m one of those people that respects Corey’s body of work, but find it upsetting to see him amount to nothing more than failure.

Corey Black is the guy that you want to root for, but you find yourself struggling to actually get behind him, unless of course you’re his opponent and are already in position and giving it to his chocolate starfish. I don’t like having to stoop to the level of old guy jokes, but you’re setting yourself up for them at this point. Pantheon has to see that you’re just too far past your prime to be a valuable contributor to them at this point. Corey, it’s been so long since you’ve done anything worth mentioning that I’m actually starting to forget what it was that made you who you are. Sadly, it’s getting to the point where your fan base consists of old folks with Alzheimer’s and tapioca pudding diets. If I’m wrong about you, then prove it for a change. If that’s not something that you’re going to do, then I guess it will be a nice little treat to eliminate a fucking relic.

At the end of Slam, Pantheon was able to pull out the victory against the DRG and win the trios championship. That win made you the team to beat and I’m sure that you’ll do what it takes to show the world that you are as good as advertised when you have to put those belts on the line. From a fan’s perspective, I’d say that it’s about damn time that Pantheon had a match end in their favor, but I’m also a competitor. Outside of work I wouldn’t be quite this hostile and would actually not have a problem with you, but this is about the big promotion. I know that your little union will disappear next weekend. I know that for at least one night, Pantheon will fall apart for a match that doesn’t know friendship.

Alex Richards is one of the best big men in the company and he’s going to be looking to remind us all what made him a dominant internet champion. Remember Ultimate Showdown? I’m sure Alex does more than he’d like to. It’s a shame what happened to Crow and I know that it’s been really bothering Richards, but the memory of being eliminated by him in that match will be too fresh in his mind to ignore. He won’t be able to trust his Pantheon friends when just a couple months ago, one of them cost him a world championship. The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter if somebody is your best friend, everyone is the enemy when the bell rings in Oklahoma.

I’ve faced Alex Richards before and that’s why I’m smart enough to take him seriously and scout him out as much as I can. Consider it respect that I’m willing to openly admit that unlike the jobbers that I’ve spent most of my time here verbally shitting on, Alex Richards is actually one of the people that I have to strategize for in order to be successful in this situation. While I did manage to beat Alex Richards for my first taste of championship gold, it wasn’t like I did so in dominant fashion. I didn’t crush the guy and just being able to beat him is something that I consider a great accomplishment. It is something that will always feel like a major task because it will be every single time. I’m not about to sit here and make a bunch of unoriginal fat jokes, because I know firsthand how fucking hard it is to lift a man of your size up for a finishing move. I was icing my damn back for a week after that match and you better believe that I’m going to leave you doing the same thing this time around.

You’re a wild card, Alex. I like that about you. It’s a valuable quality to have and is one that I’ve looked to incorporate into my own bag of tricks. I like that aside from the wacky antics and non-sensical promo work, you bring a certain level of unpredictability to the ring that is constantly evolving. However, anything you can do I will do better. I recall a time where you actually thought of me as a cheap imitation of you, but by this point you have to know that I’m far from that and actually quite capable of performing better than you can in the ring. I’ve been here for just around five months and I’ve rapidly gained more in ring intelligence than half the roster will in their entire career. My projection will already be up towards the top five in Ultimate Showdown before the weekend is even over and the scariest part about it is that I’m still technically a rookie. So congratulations on becoming a champion again, but your high will be taken away from you before you know it, because you have to face the last guy to take a championship off your hands.

I wonder if I’m giving you a bit more credit than you deserve right now. The fact that you were naive enough to turn your back on Scarecrow at Ultimate Showdown proves that you just don’t have the intelligence to succeed in big match situations. I know that there’s a small part of you that is busy trying to tell yourself that you’re capable of winning the big one, capable of doing what is needed to elevate yourself as an individual, but deep down you know that you just don’t have it in you. If you want your shot at redeeming your loss against me, then don’t worry, it’s coming very soon, but there will be no mass confusion as to who is the better man after I beat you for the second time.

Then we have Jay Omega who is trying to tell people that he’s going to win WAR which I know isn’t the case and probably never will be. You know who doesn’t win WAR? The guy who wants nothing more than to be the hardcore champion because if you can’t hang with the top guy, you can always try to act like being second or third best is all that you’ve ever wanted in life, right? Don’t get me wrong, a WCF belt is always nice to have around your waist, but why would you choose to become obsessed with the most dated one there is? Is there really a more trashy championship than one created with a vision of replicating the sloppy drunk brawling botchfests of the Northeastern section of the country during the late nineties? I’m familiar with the style on a personal level, but that doesn’t mean I want to devote my entire career to representing a demographic that probably doubles as the Thomas Bates fan club.

I know that you’re not happy with Torture holding that belt. You feel as though there was a point in time where you made it mean something and it doesn’t sit right with you to have it treated like it is nothing. The thing that doesn’t really make the most sense to me is why an individual with time traveling capabilities wouldn’t just go back in time and kick Torture in the gonads and prevent him from ever winning it. The fact that you haven’t done anything to reverse the damage that has been done to your precious little tough guy championship makes me believe that you’re either completely full of shit or that you don’t really want it as badly as you say you do. You’ve failed, Marty McFly. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to body you and leave your ass in the same place your stable has been for the last twelve years, the Oak Park cemetery.

It’s disappointing, because it’s gotten to the point where I think not only are you content, but I think you’ve given up to some degree as well. The only thing you would be content with at this point is a belt that stresses quantity over quality and that’s pretty sad. You're focusing on the least wanted belt that this place has to offer and you know that if you do manage to get it back, that the challengers won’t exactly be in line for the opportunity like they would the other championships in the company. You can’t be a top guy in this company when you aren’t giving it everything you’ve got and I think you have been consistently putting in about seventy percent effort. There’s no doubt that you will take a dump in this match just like you did at Ultimate Showdown before you disappeared to hide the shame you felt after such a piss poor effort. Despite what you may think, I WILL be the last man standing this year. You can go on and on about how great of a hardcore champion you were while you and the rest of Pantheon plays soggy biscuit at ringside.

Now..about Jeff Purse. It was nice seeing you make your return and scoop up your first trios championship and putting your team back in the spotlight. Hell, I’d probably say that most of the credit for making Pantheon relevant again should go to you. You’re clearly one of the better competitors of the bunch, but that’s where I’m left scratching my head. You’re a former world champion and a WAR winner yourself. You are one of the few people in this entire match who knows exactly what it takes to win the whole damn thing. Why would somebody who has shown us that he’s more the capable of getting the job done be dragging around guys like Corey Black? I would think that he’d be hitting you right in the OCD by now.

You see, I’m dragging my hand along the walls and looking for the cracks in their structure and I think that I’m starting to find them in yours. There’s no doubt that you’re the clear leader in Pantheon and you’re the one that is primed to lead the way to a new era for the team. The issue is that Pantheon is no longer as good as advertised. The trios tournament as well as most major singles matches that it’s individual members have been in have left much to be desired as they’ve fallen short of victory time and time again. Since I’ve been here, it’s like the self proclaimed greatest wrestling stable has lost more of their matches than Spencer Adams has. I think that’s pretty bad considering I’ve had a hefty amount of shit matches on my part. That’s something that should be getting to that disorder of yours. That’s something that an all star cast of guys simply wouldn’t let happen. I think that while Jeff Purse is capable of depending on himself, Pantheon has shown a tendency to lean on Jeff Purse and that right there is another crack in the Pantheon walls. The breakdowns among the team is what will make them all come out of this match empty handed while Spencer Adams gives a simple shrug and a nice little “I told you so.”

Petrov: Why is pussy fuck Logan on list? He is disgrace to all legends.

Spencer: Oh, I know he is. You know Logan fucking sucks when we’re about to head into an event that he’s won multiple times, yet none of us think of him as a threat. We all know that he has zero chance at actually winning it. Logan is the definition of washed up and serves as little more than a comedic nostalgia act. It seems like the only time you show up anymore is to pretend like you’re going to start a feud with somebody or to make Seth Lerch feel like he can actually wrestle. The only legendary thing that this guy has done in recent memory is be so underwhelming that Corey Black has been promoted to the second most worthless veteran in the industry. Would we like to see you return to form as the Logan that won every championship and major match known to man? Of course we would, we all just know that’s probably not going to happen so we’ve gotten used to rolling our eyes every time you stumble down the entrance ramp.

If people think it’s bad that Joey Flash lost to Adam Young, then what about Logan losing to BioWalker? Can this guy either retire for good or pop a handful of crazy pills to where he starts to resemble a functioning human being with something decent to contribute to the rest of the world? The Logan of new is a sequel that just leaves us wanting more because it’s a fucking shit show that really feels like we are watching a terrible movie. While the Logan that became known as a legend for being dominant remains a fond memory in the minds of many long time wrestling fans, the new Logan is more comparable to Crackle’s awful fucking Joe Dirt sequel. The novelty of the act has faded away and we’re left with this terrible excuse of a performer.

Petrov: Celeste is good pussy, yes?

Spencer: Fuck no, man. Petrov, I know you want to hump anything and everything with a pulse, but for fuck sake, she probably caught shit that hasn’t even been discovered yet by making out with a dude like Logan or spending her free time around at home with a guy like Vulgar. I still don’t understand that last part. If someone has enough money to make Vulgar disappear, wouldn’t they just do it instead of allowing him to be a part time roommate basically? Maybe she just has some sort of weird fetish for hooking up with the most scummy members of the entire roster.

As for how she is as a competitor, I know I can beat Celeste without even trying. I’ve picked up a pinfall against her before and I’ll do it again with ease. Her approach is creative, but lacks the proper dedication that one needs in order to be a success. She’s just not cut out for this match and it has nothing to do with being of a smaller stature or being of the opposite sex. WAR knows no race, age, size, or gender. It will claim a person no matter who they are if they are foolish enough to stand in the sea of bullets without being prepared for the wounds. You’re a rotten person and I won’t feel bad when you’re left laying there, wounded and helpless.

This is a match where you must put everything on the line to stand a chance, a match where you’d be lucky just to make it to the final five. You will be different person than the one that went into battle. Celeste will fail, because she doesn’t know the definition of hard work. When somebody tries to coast by in life on material possessions alone, they miss out on developing their ability to not only survive among the chaos, but to thrive as the king of the jungle. Celeste won’t be one of the last people in the match or even anywhere close to that. We’re more likely to see her be dishonorably discharged.

Yes, I do call myself the antidote so please spare us of another video consisting of you typing up a couple sentences and a basic question for your computer to read off. I’m the antidote to lazy efforts like yours, the motherfucker who will take you out of the equation just like the thirty or forty some odd soldiers who won’t return home to their mothers. This is WCF’s hunger games. We all know that only one man or woman will make it out alive and when it’s me versus the world, I see you as little more than a carcass, a cheap wooden casket, and a hole that’s six feet deep.

Petrov: Why is Billy on here? Why so many large men? Do they know that large men fall like ton of bricks in elimination matches?

Spencer: I know what you mean. A guy of Billy’s size has one of the bigger targets on his back and I smell a dog pile waiting to happen. You’d be stupid not to think that everyone from the lower card to the predicted winners will be temporarily ganging up to take this guy out. People will be looking to take advantage of any and all weaknesses that you possess. Some would think that being a smaller guy would work against me, but I promise that the advantage of moving around quicker will only keep me alive longer. As for Billy, there are definitely some efficient ways of taking him down and out.

We all remember Billy winning that taco bowl match back in Mexico and we were all quite fond of him when he was a member of the jobber roster. He’s always been a likeable guy, but Billy is just to soft for this. People can make all the jokes they want about my mom being better than me or how they are gonna fuck her or whatever, but Billy has actually lost against her. Now I’m no expert when it comes to contracts, but I don’t know if the guy who lost to an older lady is the best person to be signing to the main roster. If he can’t handle Mrs. Adams, he’s going to be in a world of hurt against real competitors.

Petrov: Why are tiny cocks around name of Kyle Kemp?

Spencer: Why do you think I would draw little dicks around Kemp’s name on my list of WAR participants? It’s because I fucking hate the guy with a burning passion it makes me happy to pick on him. It’s a natural rivalry that will never end and that’s why my hatred will only continue to grow with time. I turn into a real asshole when I have to step in the ring against Kemp and that’s something that will be shown in this match. The fact that he’s disrespecting the people while he hold their championship is sickening. I’m tired of seeing him around and everytime that I have to go against him, all I want to do is hurt him enough to where he’s the one racking up the medical bills. I said that I would continue to make your life a living hell and that’s a promise that I’m going to keep.

Nobody would even know who the guy was if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m the one who spent the better part of the summer beating him senseless. I killed his momentum and made his stock plummet faster than anyone’s. It was me who beat him four times in a row with a smile on my face. I did it in clusterfucks, tag team matches, and singles action and made it look easy. From watching him let the match slip through his fingers to ripping at his flesh with barbed wire, My work against him was pure art. I wrote the book on beating him just like Howard Black wrote the book on beating Thomas Bates.

Kyle Kemp spent months trying to say that he was better than those around him, but made zero impact. He tried to say that I was relying on the DRG to succeed in this federation while I demolished him without their help. What does this hypocrite turn around and do after that? He decides to join up with #BeachKrew in a desperate attempt to turn around a career that was swimming in raw sewage. Kyle Kemp probably thought that joining up with this new group would make people forget how much of a loser he is, that people would forget just how many weeks he spent jobbing in clusters or serving as a sacrifice to Alex Richards’ internet title matches.

You can’t hide behind your new friends forever though, Kyle. #BeachKrew is a group of savages and when you piss them off enough, I’m sure they will leave you in the middle of the ocean to swim with the sharks. By now, it’s no secret that they are more than just a bunch of douchebag frat boys and while they seem to be pretty good with their loyalty and not fighting each other, you aren’t one of the originals, you’re just somebody that happened to join their party after it had already started. Your entire demeanor is a party foul and I know that you’ll prove to be such a dick that even they can’t stand you and you know you’re fucking awful if that happens. It could happen in the WAR match and maybe, just maybe, it will be a worse spiral than Pantheon will have in the match.

You’re the worst kind of frat boy, alcoholic, fucking idiot that I’ve ever had the displeasure of being around and just to prove a point, I’ve made eliminating you a top priority for me. I’m sending you packing with a superkick to the jaw. Enjoy staring at that mug in the mirror over the course of the next week, because it won’t look the same at the end of this. There’s no way that your twitter group of men obsessed with each other’s looks will keep you around either, not after I put you in the dentist’s chair. I will honestly be a little disappointed if somebody manages to send you to the back before I do, but I know that it’s not unlikely. You’ll be staring down at the bottom of the bottle while I beat you for the fifth time and become the new number one contender to the world title.

Petrov: Buttfucking with words is over for now, yes?

Spencer: Until tomorrow, yes.

Petrov: Good. Is now time for fucking Betty in pussy again.

Spencer: Really? Why do you keep telling me these things even after I tell you not to?

Petrov: Is just how father talks to son.

Spencer: You’re not my father.

Petrov: Just call Petrov stepdad.

Spencer: I’m not calling you that.

Stepdad: Fade to black, pussy fuck.