Post by Dexter Radcliffe on Sept 24, 2015 1:35:07 GMT -5
Flashback All The Way Back To July 6th, 2015
The scene opens with a shot of a car pulling up to the sidewalk. The passenger door opens and out steps a rather displeased looking Jeff Purse. Jeff slams the door shut and then yells at the driver through the open window.
Jeff Purse: I use Uber so I won't have to deal with filthy cabs! What kind of "professional" doesn't Lysol his cup holders after each use?!
Driver: But it wasn't dirty! I wiped it down last night after my final client dropped a band-aid into it when he was leaving the car.
Jeff Purse: Did- did you say band-aid? THERE WAS A BAND-AID IN THE CAR?!
Jeff begins to hyperventilate on the sidewalk as the driver looks on with concern. He reaches over and opens up the glove box before pulling out a brown paper bag. He offers it to Jeff.
Jeff Purse: ARE YOU CRAZY!? You tell me you don't wipe down your cup holders and then think I'll breathe into a paper bag that you pulled from what I can only assume is a festering box of disease?
Driver: You know what? Keep the money.
The driver slams his glove box shut and hits the gas, nearly causing an accident in the process. Jeff reaches into his pocket and pulls out a neatly folded brown paper bag. He opens it up and pulls out a second neatly folded brown paper bag. He opens this one up and begins to breathe into it.
Jeff Purse: Why is this world constantly trying to kill me?
Jeff walks over to a nearby trash can but pauses when he sees that the lid is closed. If this were a movie there would be dramatic music playing as the camera switched back and forth between shots of Jeff's sweaty brow and the trash can as he's torn. He surely can't touch this disgusting public trash can, but there's no way he can refold this bag in his hand and littering is messy. Not to mention illegal. A random pedestrian walks by Jeff, a confused look on his face. The man stops.
Man: Hey buddy, you okay?
Jeff Purse: Uh, yeah. Hey. Random question, don't freak out or anything, but any chance you could lift this lid for me. I kind of, uh, hurt my arm. In the war. Yeah, the war.
Man: Well no problem at all, I'm proud to help out a hero.
The man walks over to the trash can and lifts the lid. Purse tosses his used paper bag into the trash and the man lowers the lid.
Jeff Purse: Oh god, thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your help.
Man: Well it was no problem at all.
The man reaches out to Jeff with the hand that just handled the trash can lid, attempting to pat him on the shoulder.
Jeff Purse: NO! OH GOD NO!
Jeff turns and runs from the man, heading straight for the building his car pulled up in front of. Jeff shoves the glass double doors open with his clothed forearms and stumbles into what appears to be a deserted lobby. A rather familiar lobby. Jeff's reaction seems to indicate he immediately regrets coming here.
Jeff Purse: What's that smell? It's like vodka scented vomit mixed with sweat and shame. And maybe a little pee.
A quick shot of the sign on the wall reveals that Jeff has arrived at Price Tower. Or at least what once was Price Tower, as the Price has been crossed out and replaced by Pantheon. Below the sign on the floor is a very distinguishable puddle of yellow liquid.
Jeff Purse: Yep, definitely pee. Christ, this is going to be my biggest challenge to date.
Jeff reaches into his other pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He punches in a few numbers and then holds the phone up. Not to his ear of course, Jeff doesn't even trust his own germs.
Jeff Purse: I'm here, where are you at? -- Well I'm in the lobby right now. How do I get there from here? -- The elevator? You mean with the buttons that have been pressed by god knows how many people? Not to mention all the things that I know Price has done in there? -- Look, just tell me where the cleaning supplies on this floor are and I'll work my way down to you. -- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL THE CLEANING SUPPLIES ARE ON ONE FLOOR?! WHY ARE THEY NOT ON EVERY FLOOR?!
Jeff quickly ends the call and pulls out a bag of baby wipes before wiping his phone case down and tucking it away.
Jeff Purse: Okay, Jeff, just relax. This is bad, very, very bad, but you can get through this. You've been through worse. Like that time at Price's 27th birthday party and he threw up all over your shoes. You got through that and you can get through this. You can-
A drop of something falls from the floor above and lands in the puddle of pee on the floor.
Jeff Purse: Nope. Not even a little bit.
Jeff starts to turn and leave when a voice comes from the other side of the lobby.
Voice: Yeah, that tends to happen from time to time.
Jeff turns back around as the camera pans over to show Cameraman Bob.
Cameraman Bob: I've been trying to figure out where that pee is coming from for months. Everytime I think I find the source, more just drips down.
Jeff Purse: You have no idea how badly I want to run into traffic right now.
Cameraman Bob: Luckily that's only on this floor. Now on some of the upper floors there's this purple stuff growing on the walls. Originally it was just green and I thought it was some sort of mold. But when the guys came to clean it, it turned purple and started making these low, almost groaning noises. Freaked them the hell out and they ran off saying some prayers. Since then we've just let it do it's thing. And then there's-
Jeff Purse: For the love of god, just stop. STOP! I need showers. Multiple showers with hot water and my special soap. Just so much unclean. WAIT! Price had a special floor set up for me. Said it was an ultra clean room, no kind of dirt or dust could ever get in. Is that still here?
Cameraman Bob: Well there was plans to remodel the floors for the Pantheon members but they never got put into motion because you guys kicked him into a coma. So it should still be up there.
Purse bolts toward the elevator but comes to a halt when he sees the buttons.
Jeff Purse: BUTTON! PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON!
Bob makes his way over to the elevator and hits the button to go up. The doors slide open and Jeff hurries inside.
Jeff Purse: Now hit this button!
Jeff points to the button for the 32nd Floor, careful not to actually touch it. Bob hits the button and then starts to get in until Purse holds his hand up.
Jeff Purse: Uh, no. Almost forgot to mention that you're fired. New management is moving in and we don't want any of Price's acquaintances. So, uh, bye!
Jeff waves as Bob gives him a disheartened look.
Jeff Purse: Really wish these doors weren't so slow to close.
The doors finally begin to slide closed as Jeff lowers his hand. He immediately pulls another baby wipe from the bag in his pocket and he begins to wipe down his hands.
Jeff Purse: I swear, just the air in this elevator is enough to make my skin crawl. And- and what the hell is-
Jeff shudders as he stairs at a crusty, white stain on the wall next to him. Jeff closes his eyes tightly and wraps himself in a hug.
Jeff Purse: It's okay Jeff, just go to your happy place. You're on a cloud. Inside of a clean bubble. Just floating through the air, protected and safe and clean. And there's most certainly nothing crawling on your-
Jeff's eyes fly open as he begins swiping at his neck. A tiny, harmless spider flies through the air and hits the wall. The doors slide open as the elevator arrives at the 32nd floor and Purse bolts out into the hallway. Purse runs the short distance to the nearby door, which automatically opens as Jeff approaches. The door slides closed and almost immediately Jeff is hit with a mixture of cleaning agents.
Jeff Purse: Oh, yes. Daddy is home.
Once sterilized, another door slides open and Jeff steps into what is essentially a clean room. This place makes a quarantine room in a hospital look like a pig pen. Jeff lets out a sigh of relief as, for the first time since he left his home, he can relax and not worry about germs. Jeff grabs a bottle of special water and takes a seat in an oversized arm chair. He grabs a nearby remote control and flips on the television. Up pops a CCTV feed from one of the random cameras scattered throughout the tower.
Jeff Purse: Ah hell, I forget how you switch back over to regular television.
Jeff begins to hit random buttons on the remote as the screen flickers in front of him.
Jeff Purse: No. No. No. N- what? The hell is this?
On the screen is an image of a man standing in front of a large screen with a small, plastic guitar in his hands.
Jeff Purse: Is- is that a guy playing Guitar Hero? What the hell is this? Where is this? Is this in the tower?
The man on the screen drops to his knees and is apparently super into the song playing because he launches into what appears to be the greatest guitar solo in history.
Jeff Purse: That looks like one of the sub-levels. Who the hell is that?
Jeff pulls his cell phone back out and punches in some numbers.
Jeff Purse: Bob? -- No, I'm not calling to hire you back. I have a question. -- Yeah, yeah. I know you hate me. But listen, I have a question. There's some guy in one of the lower levels and- -- I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND KIDS! Just tell me if you know about any people in the lower levels. -- Well I know there's a level for the jobber holding cells but this guy is just playing Guitar Hero. He doesn't even look like a wrestler. -- Oh come on Bob, just help me out. Come back, kick this guy out of the tower and then go away forever. -- Bob? Bobby? Bob-a-rino? DAMN IT!
Purse ends the call and tucks his phone back away.
Jeff Purse: Well I mean, I suppose I could just let him go until the rest of the guys show up. Maybe he'll just stay down there as-
The man on the screen can be seen taking a drink and then setting his cup down on a table. Without a coaster.
Jeff Purse: NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!
Jeff runs his fingers through his hair and begins to pull on a few strands. He gets up out of his chair and begins to pace.
Jeff Purse: Okay, so, uh, obviously I've got to do something here. But what can I-
Jeff pauses as he gets a look at a special clean suit laid out for him.
Jeff Purse: Oh Price. For once I can honestly say you aren't worthless.
Jeff quickly slips on the clean suit, gloves and booties and heads for the elevator. Jeff hits the button for Sub-Level 4 and the doors slowly slide shut. It takes a few minutes but the elevator finally comes to a halt and the doors slide back open. Jeff steps out into the hall as the sounds of Rush's "Tom Sawyer" drift toward him.
Jeff Purse: Rush? All right, I don't exactly hate this guy now.
Purse cautiously makes his way down to the hall as the music grows louder. Jeff stops by the doorway to the main part of the level and peers around the corner. There's a guy, looks to be in his early 20's, rocking a Pantheon t-shirt and in the midst of an epic game of Guitar Hero. He's so immersed in "Tom Sawyer" that he doesn't hear Jeff creep into the room behind him. Suddenly Jeff's phone begins to ring from his pocket and Jeff freezes. The man doesn't hear anything as he continues to play. Jeff fumbles with his phone through his pocket, unable to get it out because of the clean suit. He finally gets it silenced and looks around for something to use just in case the guy gets violent. He settles on half a case of Diet Cokes and raises it above his head. The guy finishes his game and turns around to get his drink when he sees Jeff.
Guy: Uh- what the hell?
Jeff stops and begins to weigh his options.
Guy: HOLY FUCK YOU'RE JEFF PURSE!
The guy begins to squeal like an excited 13 year old fan girl at a One Direction concert as Jeff becomes confused.
Guy: JEFF! JEFF PURSE! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GO!
Jeff Purse: Uh- hi?
Guy: HE SAID HI! OH MY GOD! JEFF. PURSE. SAID. HI. TO ME!
Jeff Purse: Yeah, so, any reason why you're down here?
Guy: Why? I live here, that's why.
Jeff Purse: You- you live down here?
Guy: Well not just down here. I've been all over this tower.
Jeff Purse: And just how long have you been here?
Guy: Since April.
Jeff Purse: You've been down here for 3 months?
Guy: 15 months actually. I moved in last year.
Jeff Purse: 15 months?! How? Why? What?
Jeff begins to hyperventilate again as he tries to process all this craziness.
Guy: Hey, Jeff, calm down man. Here, you want something to drink?
The guy offers Jeff his already opened can of Diet Coke. Jeff, in his panicked state, takes the can and nearly takes a sip when he regains his bearings and screams.
Jeff Purse: UNCLEAN!
Jeff throws the can to the side. It hits the wall and then the floor, making a mess. Jeff looks at the mess and begins to shake as he struggles to breath.
Guy: You want to clean that up, don't you?
Jeff Purse: I really do, but one mess at a time. How in the hell have you lived in this tower for over a year? Did Price not see you? Or the cameramen that were always around?
Guy: Oh, no, he saw me plenty of times. But he was usually so drunk that he mistook me for one of the cameramen. As for Bob, he just generally never gave a crap. Great guy though. He even came down to hang out a few times.
Jeff Purse: I have so many questions, but let's start with WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?!
Guy: Why? Why wouldn't someone want to live in this place? The floors dedicated to the members of Pantheon. The super computer that has every Panthe-fact ever on it. The Pantheon-
Jeff Purse: Okay. Shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing you've got a thing for Pantheon?
The guy looks down at the Pantheon shirt that he's rocking.
Guy: Maybe a little?
Jeff Purse: Yeah I was meaning to ask, how did you get one of those shirts? It wasn't even released to the public yet.
Guy: So back to why I'm here. I'm a Pantheon mark. A super mark. So where better to live than this place? And ever since you guys coma kicked that dick bag into the hospital I've had free reign of the place. You wouldn't believe the stockpile of Hot Fries he had set aside.
Jeff Purse: Diet Coke? Hot Fries? You've really committed to this, haven't you?
Guy: Don't forget the coffee cake.
Jeff Purse: Of course not, how could I? Look- wait, I don't even know you name.
Guy: Dexter. Dexter Radcliffe.
Jeff Purse: Really? Like the guy from-
Dexter Radcliffe: Please, don't even start with the Harry Potter jokes. I've had to put up with that shit ever since that damn first movie came out.
Jeff Purse: Actually I was going to mention Dexter. I loved that show!
Dexter Radcliffe: Really? Mine too! It was so nice to have a show named after me that wasn't some crappy cartoon.
Jeff Purse: Whoa. Don't you dare put down the Lab.
Dexter Radcliffe: We've gotten seriously off topic here.
Jeff Purse: Okay, then let's get back to the fact that you've been squatting in a tower and have an unhealthy obsession with a wrestling stable.
Dexter Radcliffe: Not just any wrestling stable. The greatest wrestling stable on Earth.
Jeff Purse: Touche. But the tower squatting thing, that's a bit much don't you think?
Dexter Radcliffe: I spent over a year sponging off a douchebag that you guys all hate. Shouldn't you be laughing at my genius?
Jeff Purse: Again, touche.
Dexter Radcliffe: But if you really want to know why I'm here, it's because I want what you guys have. I want to be out there in the ring. I want to be hanging out and having a good time while everyone else talks shit because they want to be like me. You guys live the lives of kings.
Jeff Purse: It is pretty sweet. But not just anybody can be like Pantheon. There's a reason why we're Earth's Mightiest Stable and the only group to last as long as we have. You have to be a special kind of wrestler to be in Pantheon. Not just any Joe Nobody can join.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well I don't know who Joe Nobody is but I can assure you that I can meet whatever requirements there are for Pantheon. I've spent months watching every match you guys have ever had. Studied your mannerisms, your likes, your dislikes, I even know about that time you let Kari put her finger-
Jeff Purse: HEY! WHOA! NO! Okay that's just kind of a lot of creepy.
Dexter Radcliffe: My point is, at this point there is no man or woman on Earth more qualified than yours truly to be the next member of Pantheon. And all I need is the opportunity to show it off.
Jeff Purse: Well coincidentally we've been discussing holding a contest of sorts to find someone to fill the hole left by Price, what with the growing number of enemies we seem to still have in WCF. But I don't know if I want to throw my name behind you. I mean, what else can you bring to Pantheon?
Dexter Radcliffe: Well I'm not an alcoholic with a tendency to turn his back on people.
Jeff Purse: SOLD!
Purse starts to reach for his phone but then remembers that it's under his clean suit.
Jeff Purse: Say, is there a phone around here?
Dexter Radcliffe: Just use the tower's built in phone system.
Jeff Purse: How in the hell did Price afford all this again?
Dexter shrugs his shoulders.
Jeff Purse: Well how in the deck does this thing work.
Dexter points to a button on the wall. Jeff looks back and forth between the button and Dexter until Dexter walks over and presses it for him.
Dexter Radcliffe: Call Corey Black.
There's a ringing sound over the speakers in the ceiling.
Corey Black: Price? You're alive?!
Jeff Purse: It's Purse.
Corey Black: Purse? The hell are you doing over at Princess' Tower?
Jeff Purse: I had planned on giving it a much needed cleaning before we moved in our stuff.
Corey Black: You sad, germaphobic bastard.
Jeff Purse: Shut it. You know how we were talking about reviving The Cut to fill Price's spot?
Corey Black: You mean that thing I came up with a few years back and that you're trying to claim now?
Jeff Purse: That's the one.
Corey Black: And that you're now trying to give the stupid name "The Cut-theon"?
Jeff Purse: Yes.
Corey Black: And that-
Jeff Purse: WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! Look, I'm calling to let you know that I found my guy.
Corey Black: Who is it?
Jeff Purse: Don't worry who it is, you'll find out soon enough.
Corey Black: Is it Grime?
Jeff Purse: No, it's not Grime.
Corey Black: Are you sure?
Jeff Purse: Yes, I'm sure.
Corey Black: And-
Jeff Purse: And before you ask, no, it's not Twilight in a wig. Look, enough with the nonsense. I got my guy, now you and the others need to catch up.
Purse nods and Dexter hits the button to end the call.
Dexter Radcliffe: So it's official? This is really happening?
Jeff Purse: Yeah, it's happening. But don't make me regret this. The last thing I need is for Corey Black to find the guy that joins Pantheon. The last time that we let him bring somebody in we ended up with Price.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well then that should have automatically disqualified him from being part of The Cut-theon.
Jeff Purse: Heh. I think I'm starting to like you already kid. Now what's say you give me a hand giving this House Of 1000 STD's a good cleaning?
Dexter Radcliffe: 1000? Oh you really don't know what's happened in this place.
The scene fades out to black as Jeff and Dexter head toward the elevator.
Present Day
Voice: And with just 5 easy payments of $29.99, this set of authentic, 16th century Chinese ceremonial daggers can be yours. But you have to act now because we're only going to be able to make you this tremendous offer for the next 10 minutes.
The scene fades in on Dexter in the midst of chillin' in his official, limited edition Pantheon pajamas with some Diet Coke and Andy Capp's Hot Fries as he watches television.
Dexter Radcliffe: Pfft, nice try TV. You're not fooling me like you did last month with those "authentic" cuff links from Frank Sinatra's private collection. Worst $50 I've ever spent.
Dexter pops a few fries into his mouth as he flips the channel.
Voice: In a world where robots are becoming sexier-
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh my.
Voice: -and the bond between man and machine is less taboo-
Dexter Radcliffe: Schwing.
Voice: -one woman is determined to win back-
Dexter Radcliffe: Now how they gonna screw up such a sweet premise with all that romance nonsense?
Dexter flips the channel.
Gravedigger: And I'm saying that you're an idiot. There is no way in hell that Waylon Cash has even a remote chance at winning WAR. The only way he makes it to the final two is if he's the last guy that enters the match and all but one person has been eliminated.
Zach Davis: I think you're underestimating Waylon, Digger. I've done my homework, Cash always seems to make a bigger impact at WAR than people expect him to.
Gravedigger: It's a match with 30 plus people, so if you'll excuse me for believing that just because one blind squirrel once found a nut that he's going to eventually find the tree it fell from.
Zach Davis: That's a rather odd analogy.
Gravedigger: Shall I dumb it down for you? Fine. WAR is an absolutely giant match. The entire roster fighting each other for one spot in the main event at ONE. With that many people throwing punches and kicks and pinning people, even the Adam Young's of the world get their 15 minutes of fame. You telling me that you think Waylon Cash is the dark horse at WAR is like a Dallas Cowboy's fan telling me Tony Romo is the best Quarterback in the NFL.
Zach Davis: Well then who's your dark horse?
Gravedigger: I don't have a dark horse. The second I heard that Joey Flash and Dune were having their own match and weren't in WAR, I knew that this match was coming down to two men: David Sanchez and Thomas Bates.
Zach Davis: Bates is a trendy pick because of his size and strength, not to mention the DRG. But Sanchez? Not really at the top of anyone's lists.
Gravedigger: Well that's because most of everyone making lists are idiots.
Zach Davis: And that's as good a point as any to move on. I understand we have a caller. Go ahead caller, you're on with the WCF Hotline.
Caller: Yeah, this is Dave.
Gravedigger: We don't care about your name, caller. What's your question?
Caller: Oh, uh, well I was just wondering about your guys' opinion on some of the newer talent that are going to be in the WAR Match this year.
Gravedigger: Terrible. All of them.
Caller: Well-
Gravedigger: Are you still on the line? Goodbye.
Zach Davis: Well for the viewers we still have left, would you care to elaborate on your view of the newer guys?
Gravedigger: With the exception of a few, like Sanchez, Del Sol, Tiburones, Spencer Adams and maybe Kyle Kemp, I'm not buying into any of the new guys making a huge impact. Some of them might get an elimination, one of them might score what will be called an upset, but none of them are going to shock the world and win this thing. There, that enough for you?
Zach Davis: Well while we're on the subject of the newer guys in the match, we've got a question sent in via Twitter. @hot_Dog_Aficionado69 asks what do you think of Pantheon using WAR to determine which of their final two applicants joins their ranks?
Gravedigger: Decent idea, terrible applicants. Well, that's not entirely true. Blythe looks like he could be something, but I'm basing that off the fact that I'm pretty sure he earned a spot in their little competition. The other guy? The Pantheon mark? I'm sure he earned it with his skills but I doubt they were in the ring, if you know what I mean.
Zach Davis: Are you saying you don't trust Jeff Purse's judgement in talent?
Gravedigger: Wasn't this guy that once thought Night Rider was a worthy tag team partner?
Zach Davis: Well yes, but-
Gravedigger: And the prosecution rests! Now somebody get me Corey Black's gavel so I can hit things too.
Dexter flips the television off and stares at the black screen as he takes a sip of his Diet Coke.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well shit. I haven't even made my official debut and I've already got Gravedigger suggesting that I'm riding poles. I don't know if I should be honored or not that he took the time out of his busy schedule of sitting on his ass and doing half assed commentary to comment on me.
Dexter contemplates that for a moment.
Dexter Radcliffe: Meh, I can't even lie, I'm just a bit honored. I mean how many people can say they got bad mouthed by WCF resident racist grandfather before they debuted? I'm just glad he doesn't know I'm half Italian, who knows what kind of slurs he would have peppered in.
Dexter pops in a few more Hot Fries as he continues to stare at the screen.
Dexter Radcliffe: But you know what, maybe I should do something to generate some buzz. Get my name out there and make people notice. Or, at the least, get people to start throwing some shade at Gunther Blythe.
Dexter looks up at the clock on the wall.
Dexter Radcliffe: Of course, it's not like I can't do all that tomorrow. I mean hell, what exactly is the rush after somebody made the "smart" decision to push a major PPV back a week.
Dexter props up his feet and finishes off the last of his Diet Coke before crushing the can in his hand and tossing it into the nearby trashcan.
Dexter Radcliffe: So for now, nap time.
With a yawn, Dexter lets his eyelids close and leans back into his chair. The scene fades out.
Dream Sequence? Dream Sequence.
Zach Davis: All right caller, welcome to the WCF Hotline. Go ahead with your question.
The scene fades back in on Dexter, awake in his chair and eating Hot Fries as he looks ahead at the TV. Zach Davis is once again on the screen, albeit in cartoon form. Really, really badly produced cartoon form. We're talking 1990's Celebrity Deathmatch production level cartoon.
Caller: This question is for Gravedigger. Digger, we're seeing fewer and fewer African American wrestlers on the roster. With the success that Steve Orbit had in WCF, you'd think that there would be more diversity in WCF but we just aren't seeing it. Your thoughts?
The camera pulls back to show cartoon Gravedigger dressed in KKK robes. Zach Davis' expression says it all as his head drops.
Gravedigger: Well now I think it's fantastic! It's like the old saying goes, it it ain't broke, don't fix it. WCF has done just fine with a barely diverse roster and we don't need to go tinkering with it. In fact-
The TV is muted as Radcliffe shakes his head.
Dexter Radcliffe: Yeah, you know what? I really am not bothered by that old douchebags opinion of me. Anybody that closed minded and blatantly ignorant is crying out for help because they've got way bigger issues with themself. Somebody really should get him Kim Davis' phone number though, maybe Digger can be lucky husband number 5.
Dexter starts to reach for a new Diet Coke but finds one already in his hand. Dream magic! He cracks open the can and then starts to change the channel when he sees the cartoon Digger on the screen pull his KKK robe up over his head, only to reveal an SS uniform underneath. Dexter changes the channel.
Voice: This week on Beach Shore.
Dexter Radcliffe: What's this?
Some annoying, techno, shitty club music is blasting over the TV's speakers despite it clearly reading "Mute". Images of people with orange skin and ridiculous hair appear. Oh, no, wait it's just #BeachKrew. Los Tiburones as Tibby D, Rico Rojas in drag as Ricooki, Kyle Kemp as Kyle "The Douche", (which to be fair seems to be the role he was born for, therefore requires the least amount of effort), Sandy Coconutz as Sandy aka "Who Gives A Fuck Because, Hey, Tits", Andre Aquarius in drag as "AHOLE" and Wade Moor as "The Rest Of The Cast That Nobody Remembers But We're Sure They Did Something At Some Point".
Dexter Radcliffe: This is like the worst train wreck that involved a car crash that was on television that I've ever seen. I can't look away and the remote is literally using some sort of magic to keep my fingers at bay. Oh, dear god, why art thou putting me through this? Have I angered thee? Why are you making me suffer by watching this obvious filler that is somehow being passed on as entertainment? How can anyone admit to enjoying this without you striking them down for lying to such an extreme degree? My eyes are going deaf and I don't even know how that makes sense but then again how does this shit being forced upon decent people make sense. And why are there strange hieroglyphics cluttering my screen? Am I supposed to be an archeologist, God? Is that what you're telling me? That I've entered the wrong profession? Oh, no, wait those aren't hieroglyphics, they're some sort of text speak symbols. But why are they using them if they're not on their phones? Why are they speaking in such terribly annoying ways? Ow, my brain. Just make it stop!
Mercifully the screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh, thank god. Trying to deal with that was like sticking my brain into a blender and hitting puree. Just terrible, terrible shit.
The screen pops back on and we see Ricooki bent over, grinding it's ass on the crotch of Tibby D.
Dexter Radcliffe: No! NO! Damn it TV, quit trying to shove this shit show down my throat. I get it, they're annoying on purpose because they think it'll get them noticed. But that doesn't mean anyone actually likes these douchebags. And for the love of everything holy, why is this Ricooki riding Tibby D so hard? It's not like Tibby is good enough to carry them both to relevance.
The screen goes blank again.
Dexter Radcliffe: Thank you. Jesus, somehow that shit managed to damage to all my senses, not just my eyes and ears. How the fuck is that even possible?
The sound of the TV coming back on has Dexter immediately shielding his eyes. But this time it's a biker show.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, I hate these shows. They're always so boring and unrealistic. We get it, you're bikers and you have yourselves a little gang that meets in a club house. You know who else had a gang and met in a club house? The Little Rascals. Of course with the Little Rascals, the characters were actually interesting enough to learn all of their names. But with shows like this, people will, at most, remember the names of like 2, maybe 3, guys and then the rest of the cast could just be a rotating group of faceless nobodies and not a single person would notice. I mean like, right now there's the DRG. Everybody knows Bates of course, he's the leading role. Then there's Battle, everyone knows him. But then after that it's a game of "I think he's there". Like "I think one of the Murdock's is part of it right now, but I don't know which because I really don't care enough to take the time and look into which is in WCF and which hasn't been seen. It's Gonzo, right." Or "I think Danny Anderson was once with them but I could be wrong because he seemed to just vanish before anyone could realize he was here to begin with." And it's like that as you go down the line, trying to name everyone in the DRG. Nobody outside of their group can name all the characters, because it's just a parade of faceless fillers that are there to make the show seem good. I mean, you can't have a show about a biker gang that's just 2 dudes on bikes. Nobody's going to buy into that shit. Oldest trick in television, when you've got a shit show and a lackluster cast, you fill it with as many people as possible and just hope your audience doesn't catch on to how bad it is until at least season 3 or 4 so that you've had time to cash some checks.
On the screen we see the bikers riding off into the sunset as the credits roll.
Dexter Radcliffe: That's it, ride off into the sunset. And hopefully it blinds you so you all go right off a cliff. But even if you do, I'm sure 9 more guys just like you will step in and we'll have a shitty reboot on our hands. So I guess in the end we all lose either way.
The screen goes blank for a moment until it pops back on.
Dexter Radcliffe: What's this? A commercial? Seems kind of out of place for what's obviously a dream, but okay I guess.
The camera switches over to Dexter so we can see his reaction to this one.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh hey, Billy's going to be in a movie. A movie by Tom Six. Oh, no, I don't like where this one is going. Oh, Billy, no. NO! Dear god Billy, I know your fat ass will eat anything, but that? Oh. OH! And it's young?! Oh you sick, fat, fuck you.
Dexter leans over the side of his chair and begins retching.
Dexter Radcliffe: I mean, I knew people were into eating some weird shit, but Billy, I, Jesus. Holy mother of god. And it looked liked you legitimately enjoyed it Billy. And I know you aren't that good of an actor so I know that was a legitimate happy face. Just make it stop already. OH! NO! Billy don't eat that, it's not even real food. He just pulled it out of his-
Dexter goes back to retching as the screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Why? Why would that even get made? I thought Human Centipede 3 couldn't be outdone, but watching that fat ass scarf down the lips that are shoved up Joey Flash's asshole is just too much. I mean I get it, what better way to satiate such a lard ass's hunger then by giving him an unlimited food source, but that's too much. Way too much. God, I need something to clear my mind of that shit. Anything. ANYTHING!
The screen flicks back on.
Voice: Welcome back to the Home Shopping Network. Next up we have a truly rare item. Something sought after by many, but has proven to be quite elusive. In fact, we're not even sure how long we'll have it to sell so let's get it on screen- Oh. My apologies. We had the WCF Hardcore Title here ready to sell to one lucky person but it would seem as though it's been pulled away at the last second once again. Our sincerest apologies, but the higher ups are telling us that it's out of our hands because the owner of the belt has the final say in the matter.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Yeah, I'd make some joke about beating a dead horse but at this point making that joke is like beating a dead horse.
The screen comes back on. All we see is Adam Young and The Ultimate Destroyer on the screen looking confused as to why they're there.
Dexter Radcliffe: Hey, they finally know how we feel.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: It only took one line to body the guy that's pinned Corey Black and Joey "Don't Call Me Jonny Fly" Flash. I woulda done two but I don't wanna make the poor bastard cry.
The screen pops back on and we see the Angels Of Destruction sitting around a kitchen table playing Monopoly.
Dexter Radcliffe: Okay, well now this doesn't look too bad.
Oblivion rolls the dice and starts to move his piece when he quickly shoves it under his mask and into his mouth.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, he thinks it's food. Silly Oblivion. And now he's choking. Or is he talking? Side note, can anyone actually tell me if Oblivion's tendency to enunciate his words is his way of trying to tell us that he's doing Hooked On Phonics? I mean, he-e-e-e really seems to want to show off what he thinks is a neat way to talk, I just want to understand why he's doing it. Anybody? Anybody at all? No. Well okay then.
Night Rider gets behind Oblivion and tries to life him so he can deliver the Heimlich, but Night Rider has apparently forgotten that he's not strong enough to carry anyone, so Denise is forced to come over and help get Oblivion out of his chair. But even combined they can't get him up, showing once and for all that they are weak as a team.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, I feel so bad for them. But hey, good of them to keep on trying! In a world full of quitters, these guys just keep on trying despite how freaking terrible they are together. How inspirational!
The screen goes blank. It quickly comes back on with Celeste looking back at us, confused as to why she's there.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh hey, look, another one of these. Well at least this one's got boobs for us to look at.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, but I actually wanted to see that roster filler!
The screen remains blank. No more Celeste for Dexter because apparently she's got this thing about only doing brief appearances before never being seen again. Not that anyone actually cares about her work, it's just all about the boobs. Dexter grabs his remote and begins frantically pressing buttons but nothing happens.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well ain't that a bitch.
The screen comes back on and Alex Richards, Jay Omega and Corey Black are on the screen.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa.
Jay Omega: Dexter, what the hell are you doing?
Dexter Radcliffe: Chillin'. Dreamin'. Thinkin' about batin' but not sure how that would go in a dream.
Alex Richards: Not well, actually.
Jay Omega: That wasn't what I was referring to. I mean all of this. We tell you that you're chance to join Pantheon rides on how you do at WAR and you decide to take a nap?
Corey Black: Blythe is going to body you in this challenge. I knew Purse was going to Price this up.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa. Hey now, no need to use that kind of language.
Corey Black: Quiet you.
TV Corey begins to bang his gavel on the screen.
Jay Omega: My man, you gotta step up and step up big. What you're doing here, it's not going to cut it.
Dexter Radcliffe: Don't you mean "Panthe-cut It"?
Everyone on the screen simply drops their heads in shame.
Corey Black: Damn it, you're just terrible.
Alex Richards: Terrible.
Jay Omega: Get it together Dex. Get it together and figure out how to go bigger and harder-
Richards stifles a giggle.
Jay Omega: -or you're going to be watching Blythe join Pantheon from outside the newly christened Pantheon Tower.
The screen goes blank as the scene fades out.
Back In The Real World
The scene fades back in as Dexter awakens in his chair, Hot Fries scattered on his chest.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa. Trippy dream.
Dexter scoops the fries off his chest and pops them in his mouth as he lowers his feet.
Dexter Pantheon: Dream Pantheon is right though. Sitting here, napping when I should be out there doing more, it's not going to get me in Pantheon. Who knows what Blythe is doing right now to get ready. I gotta turn the dial up to 11 and rock this mofo like I was born to do. Yeah. FUCK YEAH! If this was a movie right about now there'd be some inspirational music playing as a montage started.
Neither of those things happen because this is obviously not a movie.
Dexter Radcliffe: So if I'm going to go bigger and harder, there's only one way to go. I'm going to have to-
The scene opens with a shot of a car pulling up to the sidewalk. The passenger door opens and out steps a rather displeased looking Jeff Purse. Jeff slams the door shut and then yells at the driver through the open window.
Jeff Purse: I use Uber so I won't have to deal with filthy cabs! What kind of "professional" doesn't Lysol his cup holders after each use?!
Driver: But it wasn't dirty! I wiped it down last night after my final client dropped a band-aid into it when he was leaving the car.
Jeff Purse: Did- did you say band-aid? THERE WAS A BAND-AID IN THE CAR?!
Jeff begins to hyperventilate on the sidewalk as the driver looks on with concern. He reaches over and opens up the glove box before pulling out a brown paper bag. He offers it to Jeff.
Jeff Purse: ARE YOU CRAZY!? You tell me you don't wipe down your cup holders and then think I'll breathe into a paper bag that you pulled from what I can only assume is a festering box of disease?
Driver: You know what? Keep the money.
The driver slams his glove box shut and hits the gas, nearly causing an accident in the process. Jeff reaches into his pocket and pulls out a neatly folded brown paper bag. He opens it up and pulls out a second neatly folded brown paper bag. He opens this one up and begins to breathe into it.
Jeff Purse: Why is this world constantly trying to kill me?
Jeff walks over to a nearby trash can but pauses when he sees that the lid is closed. If this were a movie there would be dramatic music playing as the camera switched back and forth between shots of Jeff's sweaty brow and the trash can as he's torn. He surely can't touch this disgusting public trash can, but there's no way he can refold this bag in his hand and littering is messy. Not to mention illegal. A random pedestrian walks by Jeff, a confused look on his face. The man stops.
Man: Hey buddy, you okay?
Jeff Purse: Uh, yeah. Hey. Random question, don't freak out or anything, but any chance you could lift this lid for me. I kind of, uh, hurt my arm. In the war. Yeah, the war.
Man: Well no problem at all, I'm proud to help out a hero.
The man walks over to the trash can and lifts the lid. Purse tosses his used paper bag into the trash and the man lowers the lid.
Jeff Purse: Oh god, thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your help.
Man: Well it was no problem at all.
The man reaches out to Jeff with the hand that just handled the trash can lid, attempting to pat him on the shoulder.
Jeff Purse: NO! OH GOD NO!
Jeff turns and runs from the man, heading straight for the building his car pulled up in front of. Jeff shoves the glass double doors open with his clothed forearms and stumbles into what appears to be a deserted lobby. A rather familiar lobby. Jeff's reaction seems to indicate he immediately regrets coming here.
Jeff Purse: What's that smell? It's like vodka scented vomit mixed with sweat and shame. And maybe a little pee.
A quick shot of the sign on the wall reveals that Jeff has arrived at Price Tower. Or at least what once was Price Tower, as the Price has been crossed out and replaced by Pantheon. Below the sign on the floor is a very distinguishable puddle of yellow liquid.
Jeff Purse: Yep, definitely pee. Christ, this is going to be my biggest challenge to date.
Jeff reaches into his other pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He punches in a few numbers and then holds the phone up. Not to his ear of course, Jeff doesn't even trust his own germs.
Jeff Purse: I'm here, where are you at? -- Well I'm in the lobby right now. How do I get there from here? -- The elevator? You mean with the buttons that have been pressed by god knows how many people? Not to mention all the things that I know Price has done in there? -- Look, just tell me where the cleaning supplies on this floor are and I'll work my way down to you. -- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL THE CLEANING SUPPLIES ARE ON ONE FLOOR?! WHY ARE THEY NOT ON EVERY FLOOR?!
Jeff quickly ends the call and pulls out a bag of baby wipes before wiping his phone case down and tucking it away.
Jeff Purse: Okay, Jeff, just relax. This is bad, very, very bad, but you can get through this. You've been through worse. Like that time at Price's 27th birthday party and he threw up all over your shoes. You got through that and you can get through this. You can-
A drop of something falls from the floor above and lands in the puddle of pee on the floor.
Jeff Purse: Nope. Not even a little bit.
Jeff starts to turn and leave when a voice comes from the other side of the lobby.
Voice: Yeah, that tends to happen from time to time.
Jeff turns back around as the camera pans over to show Cameraman Bob.
Cameraman Bob: I've been trying to figure out where that pee is coming from for months. Everytime I think I find the source, more just drips down.
Jeff Purse: You have no idea how badly I want to run into traffic right now.
Cameraman Bob: Luckily that's only on this floor. Now on some of the upper floors there's this purple stuff growing on the walls. Originally it was just green and I thought it was some sort of mold. But when the guys came to clean it, it turned purple and started making these low, almost groaning noises. Freaked them the hell out and they ran off saying some prayers. Since then we've just let it do it's thing. And then there's-
Jeff Purse: For the love of god, just stop. STOP! I need showers. Multiple showers with hot water and my special soap. Just so much unclean. WAIT! Price had a special floor set up for me. Said it was an ultra clean room, no kind of dirt or dust could ever get in. Is that still here?
Cameraman Bob: Well there was plans to remodel the floors for the Pantheon members but they never got put into motion because you guys kicked him into a coma. So it should still be up there.
Purse bolts toward the elevator but comes to a halt when he sees the buttons.
Jeff Purse: BUTTON! PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON!
Bob makes his way over to the elevator and hits the button to go up. The doors slide open and Jeff hurries inside.
Jeff Purse: Now hit this button!
Jeff points to the button for the 32nd Floor, careful not to actually touch it. Bob hits the button and then starts to get in until Purse holds his hand up.
Jeff Purse: Uh, no. Almost forgot to mention that you're fired. New management is moving in and we don't want any of Price's acquaintances. So, uh, bye!
Jeff waves as Bob gives him a disheartened look.
Jeff Purse: Really wish these doors weren't so slow to close.
The doors finally begin to slide closed as Jeff lowers his hand. He immediately pulls another baby wipe from the bag in his pocket and he begins to wipe down his hands.
Jeff Purse: I swear, just the air in this elevator is enough to make my skin crawl. And- and what the hell is-
Jeff shudders as he stairs at a crusty, white stain on the wall next to him. Jeff closes his eyes tightly and wraps himself in a hug.
Jeff Purse: It's okay Jeff, just go to your happy place. You're on a cloud. Inside of a clean bubble. Just floating through the air, protected and safe and clean. And there's most certainly nothing crawling on your-
Jeff's eyes fly open as he begins swiping at his neck. A tiny, harmless spider flies through the air and hits the wall. The doors slide open as the elevator arrives at the 32nd floor and Purse bolts out into the hallway. Purse runs the short distance to the nearby door, which automatically opens as Jeff approaches. The door slides closed and almost immediately Jeff is hit with a mixture of cleaning agents.
Jeff Purse: Oh, yes. Daddy is home.
Once sterilized, another door slides open and Jeff steps into what is essentially a clean room. This place makes a quarantine room in a hospital look like a pig pen. Jeff lets out a sigh of relief as, for the first time since he left his home, he can relax and not worry about germs. Jeff grabs a bottle of special water and takes a seat in an oversized arm chair. He grabs a nearby remote control and flips on the television. Up pops a CCTV feed from one of the random cameras scattered throughout the tower.
Jeff Purse: Ah hell, I forget how you switch back over to regular television.
Jeff begins to hit random buttons on the remote as the screen flickers in front of him.
Jeff Purse: No. No. No. N- what? The hell is this?
On the screen is an image of a man standing in front of a large screen with a small, plastic guitar in his hands.
Jeff Purse: Is- is that a guy playing Guitar Hero? What the hell is this? Where is this? Is this in the tower?
The man on the screen drops to his knees and is apparently super into the song playing because he launches into what appears to be the greatest guitar solo in history.
Jeff Purse: That looks like one of the sub-levels. Who the hell is that?
Jeff pulls his cell phone back out and punches in some numbers.
Jeff Purse: Bob? -- No, I'm not calling to hire you back. I have a question. -- Yeah, yeah. I know you hate me. But listen, I have a question. There's some guy in one of the lower levels and- -- I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR WIFE AND KIDS! Just tell me if you know about any people in the lower levels. -- Well I know there's a level for the jobber holding cells but this guy is just playing Guitar Hero. He doesn't even look like a wrestler. -- Oh come on Bob, just help me out. Come back, kick this guy out of the tower and then go away forever. -- Bob? Bobby? Bob-a-rino? DAMN IT!
Purse ends the call and tucks his phone back away.
Jeff Purse: Well I mean, I suppose I could just let him go until the rest of the guys show up. Maybe he'll just stay down there as-
The man on the screen can be seen taking a drink and then setting his cup down on a table. Without a coaster.
Jeff Purse: NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!
Jeff runs his fingers through his hair and begins to pull on a few strands. He gets up out of his chair and begins to pace.
Jeff Purse: Okay, so, uh, obviously I've got to do something here. But what can I-
Jeff pauses as he gets a look at a special clean suit laid out for him.
Jeff Purse: Oh Price. For once I can honestly say you aren't worthless.
Jeff quickly slips on the clean suit, gloves and booties and heads for the elevator. Jeff hits the button for Sub-Level 4 and the doors slowly slide shut. It takes a few minutes but the elevator finally comes to a halt and the doors slide back open. Jeff steps out into the hall as the sounds of Rush's "Tom Sawyer" drift toward him.
Jeff Purse: Rush? All right, I don't exactly hate this guy now.
Purse cautiously makes his way down to the hall as the music grows louder. Jeff stops by the doorway to the main part of the level and peers around the corner. There's a guy, looks to be in his early 20's, rocking a Pantheon t-shirt and in the midst of an epic game of Guitar Hero. He's so immersed in "Tom Sawyer" that he doesn't hear Jeff creep into the room behind him. Suddenly Jeff's phone begins to ring from his pocket and Jeff freezes. The man doesn't hear anything as he continues to play. Jeff fumbles with his phone through his pocket, unable to get it out because of the clean suit. He finally gets it silenced and looks around for something to use just in case the guy gets violent. He settles on half a case of Diet Cokes and raises it above his head. The guy finishes his game and turns around to get his drink when he sees Jeff.
Guy: Uh- what the hell?
Jeff stops and begins to weigh his options.
Guy: HOLY FUCK YOU'RE JEFF PURSE!
The guy begins to squeal like an excited 13 year old fan girl at a One Direction concert as Jeff becomes confused.
Guy: JEFF! JEFF PURSE! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GO!
Jeff Purse: Uh- hi?
Guy: HE SAID HI! OH MY GOD! JEFF. PURSE. SAID. HI. TO ME!
Jeff Purse: Yeah, so, any reason why you're down here?
Guy: Why? I live here, that's why.
Jeff Purse: You- you live down here?
Guy: Well not just down here. I've been all over this tower.
Jeff Purse: And just how long have you been here?
Guy: Since April.
Jeff Purse: You've been down here for 3 months?
Guy: 15 months actually. I moved in last year.
Jeff Purse: 15 months?! How? Why? What?
Jeff begins to hyperventilate again as he tries to process all this craziness.
Guy: Hey, Jeff, calm down man. Here, you want something to drink?
The guy offers Jeff his already opened can of Diet Coke. Jeff, in his panicked state, takes the can and nearly takes a sip when he regains his bearings and screams.
Jeff Purse: UNCLEAN!
Jeff throws the can to the side. It hits the wall and then the floor, making a mess. Jeff looks at the mess and begins to shake as he struggles to breath.
Guy: You want to clean that up, don't you?
Jeff Purse: I really do, but one mess at a time. How in the hell have you lived in this tower for over a year? Did Price not see you? Or the cameramen that were always around?
Guy: Oh, no, he saw me plenty of times. But he was usually so drunk that he mistook me for one of the cameramen. As for Bob, he just generally never gave a crap. Great guy though. He even came down to hang out a few times.
Jeff Purse: I have so many questions, but let's start with WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?!
Guy: Why? Why wouldn't someone want to live in this place? The floors dedicated to the members of Pantheon. The super computer that has every Panthe-fact ever on it. The Pantheon-
Jeff Purse: Okay. Shot in the dark here, but I'm guessing you've got a thing for Pantheon?
The guy looks down at the Pantheon shirt that he's rocking.
Guy: Maybe a little?
Jeff Purse: Yeah I was meaning to ask, how did you get one of those shirts? It wasn't even released to the public yet.
Guy: So back to why I'm here. I'm a Pantheon mark. A super mark. So where better to live than this place? And ever since you guys coma kicked that dick bag into the hospital I've had free reign of the place. You wouldn't believe the stockpile of Hot Fries he had set aside.
Jeff Purse: Diet Coke? Hot Fries? You've really committed to this, haven't you?
Guy: Don't forget the coffee cake.
Jeff Purse: Of course not, how could I? Look- wait, I don't even know you name.
Guy: Dexter. Dexter Radcliffe.
Jeff Purse: Really? Like the guy from-
Dexter Radcliffe: Please, don't even start with the Harry Potter jokes. I've had to put up with that shit ever since that damn first movie came out.
Jeff Purse: Actually I was going to mention Dexter. I loved that show!
Dexter Radcliffe: Really? Mine too! It was so nice to have a show named after me that wasn't some crappy cartoon.
Jeff Purse: Whoa. Don't you dare put down the Lab.
Dexter Radcliffe: We've gotten seriously off topic here.
Jeff Purse: Okay, then let's get back to the fact that you've been squatting in a tower and have an unhealthy obsession with a wrestling stable.
Dexter Radcliffe: Not just any wrestling stable. The greatest wrestling stable on Earth.
Jeff Purse: Touche. But the tower squatting thing, that's a bit much don't you think?
Dexter Radcliffe: I spent over a year sponging off a douchebag that you guys all hate. Shouldn't you be laughing at my genius?
Jeff Purse: Again, touche.
Dexter Radcliffe: But if you really want to know why I'm here, it's because I want what you guys have. I want to be out there in the ring. I want to be hanging out and having a good time while everyone else talks shit because they want to be like me. You guys live the lives of kings.
Jeff Purse: It is pretty sweet. But not just anybody can be like Pantheon. There's a reason why we're Earth's Mightiest Stable and the only group to last as long as we have. You have to be a special kind of wrestler to be in Pantheon. Not just any Joe Nobody can join.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well I don't know who Joe Nobody is but I can assure you that I can meet whatever requirements there are for Pantheon. I've spent months watching every match you guys have ever had. Studied your mannerisms, your likes, your dislikes, I even know about that time you let Kari put her finger-
Jeff Purse: HEY! WHOA! NO! Okay that's just kind of a lot of creepy.
Dexter Radcliffe: My point is, at this point there is no man or woman on Earth more qualified than yours truly to be the next member of Pantheon. And all I need is the opportunity to show it off.
Jeff Purse: Well coincidentally we've been discussing holding a contest of sorts to find someone to fill the hole left by Price, what with the growing number of enemies we seem to still have in WCF. But I don't know if I want to throw my name behind you. I mean, what else can you bring to Pantheon?
Dexter Radcliffe: Well I'm not an alcoholic with a tendency to turn his back on people.
Jeff Purse: SOLD!
Purse starts to reach for his phone but then remembers that it's under his clean suit.
Jeff Purse: Say, is there a phone around here?
Dexter Radcliffe: Just use the tower's built in phone system.
Jeff Purse: How in the hell did Price afford all this again?
Dexter shrugs his shoulders.
Jeff Purse: Well how in the deck does this thing work.
Dexter points to a button on the wall. Jeff looks back and forth between the button and Dexter until Dexter walks over and presses it for him.
Dexter Radcliffe: Call Corey Black.
There's a ringing sound over the speakers in the ceiling.
Corey Black: Price? You're alive?!
Jeff Purse: It's Purse.
Corey Black: Purse? The hell are you doing over at Princess' Tower?
Jeff Purse: I had planned on giving it a much needed cleaning before we moved in our stuff.
Corey Black: You sad, germaphobic bastard.
Jeff Purse: Shut it. You know how we were talking about reviving The Cut to fill Price's spot?
Corey Black: You mean that thing I came up with a few years back and that you're trying to claim now?
Jeff Purse: That's the one.
Corey Black: And that you're now trying to give the stupid name "The Cut-theon"?
Jeff Purse: Yes.
Corey Black: And that-
Jeff Purse: WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! Look, I'm calling to let you know that I found my guy.
Corey Black: Who is it?
Jeff Purse: Don't worry who it is, you'll find out soon enough.
Corey Black: Is it Grime?
Jeff Purse: No, it's not Grime.
Corey Black: Are you sure?
Jeff Purse: Yes, I'm sure.
Corey Black: And-
Jeff Purse: And before you ask, no, it's not Twilight in a wig. Look, enough with the nonsense. I got my guy, now you and the others need to catch up.
Purse nods and Dexter hits the button to end the call.
Dexter Radcliffe: So it's official? This is really happening?
Jeff Purse: Yeah, it's happening. But don't make me regret this. The last thing I need is for Corey Black to find the guy that joins Pantheon. The last time that we let him bring somebody in we ended up with Price.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well then that should have automatically disqualified him from being part of The Cut-theon.
Jeff Purse: Heh. I think I'm starting to like you already kid. Now what's say you give me a hand giving this House Of 1000 STD's a good cleaning?
Dexter Radcliffe: 1000? Oh you really don't know what's happened in this place.
The scene fades out to black as Jeff and Dexter head toward the elevator.
Present Day
Voice: And with just 5 easy payments of $29.99, this set of authentic, 16th century Chinese ceremonial daggers can be yours. But you have to act now because we're only going to be able to make you this tremendous offer for the next 10 minutes.
The scene fades in on Dexter in the midst of chillin' in his official, limited edition Pantheon pajamas with some Diet Coke and Andy Capp's Hot Fries as he watches television.
Dexter Radcliffe: Pfft, nice try TV. You're not fooling me like you did last month with those "authentic" cuff links from Frank Sinatra's private collection. Worst $50 I've ever spent.
Dexter pops a few fries into his mouth as he flips the channel.
Voice: In a world where robots are becoming sexier-
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh my.
Voice: -and the bond between man and machine is less taboo-
Dexter Radcliffe: Schwing.
Voice: -one woman is determined to win back-
Dexter Radcliffe: Now how they gonna screw up such a sweet premise with all that romance nonsense?
Dexter flips the channel.
Gravedigger: And I'm saying that you're an idiot. There is no way in hell that Waylon Cash has even a remote chance at winning WAR. The only way he makes it to the final two is if he's the last guy that enters the match and all but one person has been eliminated.
Zach Davis: I think you're underestimating Waylon, Digger. I've done my homework, Cash always seems to make a bigger impact at WAR than people expect him to.
Gravedigger: It's a match with 30 plus people, so if you'll excuse me for believing that just because one blind squirrel once found a nut that he's going to eventually find the tree it fell from.
Zach Davis: That's a rather odd analogy.
Gravedigger: Shall I dumb it down for you? Fine. WAR is an absolutely giant match. The entire roster fighting each other for one spot in the main event at ONE. With that many people throwing punches and kicks and pinning people, even the Adam Young's of the world get their 15 minutes of fame. You telling me that you think Waylon Cash is the dark horse at WAR is like a Dallas Cowboy's fan telling me Tony Romo is the best Quarterback in the NFL.
Zach Davis: Well then who's your dark horse?
Gravedigger: I don't have a dark horse. The second I heard that Joey Flash and Dune were having their own match and weren't in WAR, I knew that this match was coming down to two men: David Sanchez and Thomas Bates.
Zach Davis: Bates is a trendy pick because of his size and strength, not to mention the DRG. But Sanchez? Not really at the top of anyone's lists.
Gravedigger: Well that's because most of everyone making lists are idiots.
Zach Davis: And that's as good a point as any to move on. I understand we have a caller. Go ahead caller, you're on with the WCF Hotline.
Caller: Yeah, this is Dave.
Gravedigger: We don't care about your name, caller. What's your question?
Caller: Oh, uh, well I was just wondering about your guys' opinion on some of the newer talent that are going to be in the WAR Match this year.
Gravedigger: Terrible. All of them.
Caller: Well-
Gravedigger: Are you still on the line? Goodbye.
Zach Davis: Well for the viewers we still have left, would you care to elaborate on your view of the newer guys?
Gravedigger: With the exception of a few, like Sanchez, Del Sol, Tiburones, Spencer Adams and maybe Kyle Kemp, I'm not buying into any of the new guys making a huge impact. Some of them might get an elimination, one of them might score what will be called an upset, but none of them are going to shock the world and win this thing. There, that enough for you?
Zach Davis: Well while we're on the subject of the newer guys in the match, we've got a question sent in via Twitter. @hot_Dog_Aficionado69 asks what do you think of Pantheon using WAR to determine which of their final two applicants joins their ranks?
Gravedigger: Decent idea, terrible applicants. Well, that's not entirely true. Blythe looks like he could be something, but I'm basing that off the fact that I'm pretty sure he earned a spot in their little competition. The other guy? The Pantheon mark? I'm sure he earned it with his skills but I doubt they were in the ring, if you know what I mean.
Zach Davis: Are you saying you don't trust Jeff Purse's judgement in talent?
Gravedigger: Wasn't this guy that once thought Night Rider was a worthy tag team partner?
Zach Davis: Well yes, but-
Gravedigger: And the prosecution rests! Now somebody get me Corey Black's gavel so I can hit things too.
Dexter flips the television off and stares at the black screen as he takes a sip of his Diet Coke.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well shit. I haven't even made my official debut and I've already got Gravedigger suggesting that I'm riding poles. I don't know if I should be honored or not that he took the time out of his busy schedule of sitting on his ass and doing half assed commentary to comment on me.
Dexter contemplates that for a moment.
Dexter Radcliffe: Meh, I can't even lie, I'm just a bit honored. I mean how many people can say they got bad mouthed by WCF resident racist grandfather before they debuted? I'm just glad he doesn't know I'm half Italian, who knows what kind of slurs he would have peppered in.
Dexter pops in a few more Hot Fries as he continues to stare at the screen.
Dexter Radcliffe: But you know what, maybe I should do something to generate some buzz. Get my name out there and make people notice. Or, at the least, get people to start throwing some shade at Gunther Blythe.
Dexter looks up at the clock on the wall.
Dexter Radcliffe: Of course, it's not like I can't do all that tomorrow. I mean hell, what exactly is the rush after somebody made the "smart" decision to push a major PPV back a week.
Dexter props up his feet and finishes off the last of his Diet Coke before crushing the can in his hand and tossing it into the nearby trashcan.
Dexter Radcliffe: So for now, nap time.
With a yawn, Dexter lets his eyelids close and leans back into his chair. The scene fades out.
Dream Sequence? Dream Sequence.
Zach Davis: All right caller, welcome to the WCF Hotline. Go ahead with your question.
The scene fades back in on Dexter, awake in his chair and eating Hot Fries as he looks ahead at the TV. Zach Davis is once again on the screen, albeit in cartoon form. Really, really badly produced cartoon form. We're talking 1990's Celebrity Deathmatch production level cartoon.
Caller: This question is for Gravedigger. Digger, we're seeing fewer and fewer African American wrestlers on the roster. With the success that Steve Orbit had in WCF, you'd think that there would be more diversity in WCF but we just aren't seeing it. Your thoughts?
The camera pulls back to show cartoon Gravedigger dressed in KKK robes. Zach Davis' expression says it all as his head drops.
Gravedigger: Well now I think it's fantastic! It's like the old saying goes, it it ain't broke, don't fix it. WCF has done just fine with a barely diverse roster and we don't need to go tinkering with it. In fact-
The TV is muted as Radcliffe shakes his head.
Dexter Radcliffe: Yeah, you know what? I really am not bothered by that old douchebags opinion of me. Anybody that closed minded and blatantly ignorant is crying out for help because they've got way bigger issues with themself. Somebody really should get him Kim Davis' phone number though, maybe Digger can be lucky husband number 5.
Dexter starts to reach for a new Diet Coke but finds one already in his hand. Dream magic! He cracks open the can and then starts to change the channel when he sees the cartoon Digger on the screen pull his KKK robe up over his head, only to reveal an SS uniform underneath. Dexter changes the channel.
Voice: This week on Beach Shore.
Dexter Radcliffe: What's this?
Some annoying, techno, shitty club music is blasting over the TV's speakers despite it clearly reading "Mute". Images of people with orange skin and ridiculous hair appear. Oh, no, wait it's just #BeachKrew. Los Tiburones as Tibby D, Rico Rojas in drag as Ricooki, Kyle Kemp as Kyle "The Douche", (which to be fair seems to be the role he was born for, therefore requires the least amount of effort), Sandy Coconutz as Sandy aka "Who Gives A Fuck Because, Hey, Tits", Andre Aquarius in drag as "AHOLE" and Wade Moor as "The Rest Of The Cast That Nobody Remembers But We're Sure They Did Something At Some Point".
Dexter Radcliffe: This is like the worst train wreck that involved a car crash that was on television that I've ever seen. I can't look away and the remote is literally using some sort of magic to keep my fingers at bay. Oh, dear god, why art thou putting me through this? Have I angered thee? Why are you making me suffer by watching this obvious filler that is somehow being passed on as entertainment? How can anyone admit to enjoying this without you striking them down for lying to such an extreme degree? My eyes are going deaf and I don't even know how that makes sense but then again how does this shit being forced upon decent people make sense. And why are there strange hieroglyphics cluttering my screen? Am I supposed to be an archeologist, God? Is that what you're telling me? That I've entered the wrong profession? Oh, no, wait those aren't hieroglyphics, they're some sort of text speak symbols. But why are they using them if they're not on their phones? Why are they speaking in such terribly annoying ways? Ow, my brain. Just make it stop!
Mercifully the screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh, thank god. Trying to deal with that was like sticking my brain into a blender and hitting puree. Just terrible, terrible shit.
The screen pops back on and we see Ricooki bent over, grinding it's ass on the crotch of Tibby D.
Dexter Radcliffe: No! NO! Damn it TV, quit trying to shove this shit show down my throat. I get it, they're annoying on purpose because they think it'll get them noticed. But that doesn't mean anyone actually likes these douchebags. And for the love of everything holy, why is this Ricooki riding Tibby D so hard? It's not like Tibby is good enough to carry them both to relevance.
The screen goes blank again.
Dexter Radcliffe: Thank you. Jesus, somehow that shit managed to damage to all my senses, not just my eyes and ears. How the fuck is that even possible?
The sound of the TV coming back on has Dexter immediately shielding his eyes. But this time it's a biker show.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, I hate these shows. They're always so boring and unrealistic. We get it, you're bikers and you have yourselves a little gang that meets in a club house. You know who else had a gang and met in a club house? The Little Rascals. Of course with the Little Rascals, the characters were actually interesting enough to learn all of their names. But with shows like this, people will, at most, remember the names of like 2, maybe 3, guys and then the rest of the cast could just be a rotating group of faceless nobodies and not a single person would notice. I mean like, right now there's the DRG. Everybody knows Bates of course, he's the leading role. Then there's Battle, everyone knows him. But then after that it's a game of "I think he's there". Like "I think one of the Murdock's is part of it right now, but I don't know which because I really don't care enough to take the time and look into which is in WCF and which hasn't been seen. It's Gonzo, right." Or "I think Danny Anderson was once with them but I could be wrong because he seemed to just vanish before anyone could realize he was here to begin with." And it's like that as you go down the line, trying to name everyone in the DRG. Nobody outside of their group can name all the characters, because it's just a parade of faceless fillers that are there to make the show seem good. I mean, you can't have a show about a biker gang that's just 2 dudes on bikes. Nobody's going to buy into that shit. Oldest trick in television, when you've got a shit show and a lackluster cast, you fill it with as many people as possible and just hope your audience doesn't catch on to how bad it is until at least season 3 or 4 so that you've had time to cash some checks.
On the screen we see the bikers riding off into the sunset as the credits roll.
Dexter Radcliffe: That's it, ride off into the sunset. And hopefully it blinds you so you all go right off a cliff. But even if you do, I'm sure 9 more guys just like you will step in and we'll have a shitty reboot on our hands. So I guess in the end we all lose either way.
The screen goes blank for a moment until it pops back on.
Dexter Radcliffe: What's this? A commercial? Seems kind of out of place for what's obviously a dream, but okay I guess.
The camera switches over to Dexter so we can see his reaction to this one.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh hey, Billy's going to be in a movie. A movie by Tom Six. Oh, no, I don't like where this one is going. Oh, Billy, no. NO! Dear god Billy, I know your fat ass will eat anything, but that? Oh. OH! And it's young?! Oh you sick, fat, fuck you.
Dexter leans over the side of his chair and begins retching.
Dexter Radcliffe: I mean, I knew people were into eating some weird shit, but Billy, I, Jesus. Holy mother of god. And it looked liked you legitimately enjoyed it Billy. And I know you aren't that good of an actor so I know that was a legitimate happy face. Just make it stop already. OH! NO! Billy don't eat that, it's not even real food. He just pulled it out of his-
Dexter goes back to retching as the screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Why? Why would that even get made? I thought Human Centipede 3 couldn't be outdone, but watching that fat ass scarf down the lips that are shoved up Joey Flash's asshole is just too much. I mean I get it, what better way to satiate such a lard ass's hunger then by giving him an unlimited food source, but that's too much. Way too much. God, I need something to clear my mind of that shit. Anything. ANYTHING!
The screen flicks back on.
Voice: Welcome back to the Home Shopping Network. Next up we have a truly rare item. Something sought after by many, but has proven to be quite elusive. In fact, we're not even sure how long we'll have it to sell so let's get it on screen- Oh. My apologies. We had the WCF Hardcore Title here ready to sell to one lucky person but it would seem as though it's been pulled away at the last second once again. Our sincerest apologies, but the higher ups are telling us that it's out of our hands because the owner of the belt has the final say in the matter.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Yeah, I'd make some joke about beating a dead horse but at this point making that joke is like beating a dead horse.
The screen comes back on. All we see is Adam Young and The Ultimate Destroyer on the screen looking confused as to why they're there.
Dexter Radcliffe: Hey, they finally know how we feel.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: It only took one line to body the guy that's pinned Corey Black and Joey "Don't Call Me Jonny Fly" Flash. I woulda done two but I don't wanna make the poor bastard cry.
The screen pops back on and we see the Angels Of Destruction sitting around a kitchen table playing Monopoly.
Dexter Radcliffe: Okay, well now this doesn't look too bad.
Oblivion rolls the dice and starts to move his piece when he quickly shoves it under his mask and into his mouth.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, he thinks it's food. Silly Oblivion. And now he's choking. Or is he talking? Side note, can anyone actually tell me if Oblivion's tendency to enunciate his words is his way of trying to tell us that he's doing Hooked On Phonics? I mean, he-e-e-e really seems to want to show off what he thinks is a neat way to talk, I just want to understand why he's doing it. Anybody? Anybody at all? No. Well okay then.
Night Rider gets behind Oblivion and tries to life him so he can deliver the Heimlich, but Night Rider has apparently forgotten that he's not strong enough to carry anyone, so Denise is forced to come over and help get Oblivion out of his chair. But even combined they can't get him up, showing once and for all that they are weak as a team.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, I feel so bad for them. But hey, good of them to keep on trying! In a world full of quitters, these guys just keep on trying despite how freaking terrible they are together. How inspirational!
The screen goes blank. It quickly comes back on with Celeste looking back at us, confused as to why she's there.
Dexter Radcliffe: Oh hey, look, another one of these. Well at least this one's got boobs for us to look at.
The screen goes blank.
Dexter Radcliffe: Aww, but I actually wanted to see that roster filler!
The screen remains blank. No more Celeste for Dexter because apparently she's got this thing about only doing brief appearances before never being seen again. Not that anyone actually cares about her work, it's just all about the boobs. Dexter grabs his remote and begins frantically pressing buttons but nothing happens.
Dexter Radcliffe: Well ain't that a bitch.
The screen comes back on and Alex Richards, Jay Omega and Corey Black are on the screen.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa.
Jay Omega: Dexter, what the hell are you doing?
Dexter Radcliffe: Chillin'. Dreamin'. Thinkin' about batin' but not sure how that would go in a dream.
Alex Richards: Not well, actually.
Jay Omega: That wasn't what I was referring to. I mean all of this. We tell you that you're chance to join Pantheon rides on how you do at WAR and you decide to take a nap?
Corey Black: Blythe is going to body you in this challenge. I knew Purse was going to Price this up.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa. Hey now, no need to use that kind of language.
Corey Black: Quiet you.
TV Corey begins to bang his gavel on the screen.
Jay Omega: My man, you gotta step up and step up big. What you're doing here, it's not going to cut it.
Dexter Radcliffe: Don't you mean "Panthe-cut It"?
Everyone on the screen simply drops their heads in shame.
Corey Black: Damn it, you're just terrible.
Alex Richards: Terrible.
Jay Omega: Get it together Dex. Get it together and figure out how to go bigger and harder-
Richards stifles a giggle.
Jay Omega: -or you're going to be watching Blythe join Pantheon from outside the newly christened Pantheon Tower.
The screen goes blank as the scene fades out.
Back In The Real World
The scene fades back in as Dexter awakens in his chair, Hot Fries scattered on his chest.
Dexter Radcliffe: Whoa. Trippy dream.
Dexter scoops the fries off his chest and pops them in his mouth as he lowers his feet.
Dexter Pantheon: Dream Pantheon is right though. Sitting here, napping when I should be out there doing more, it's not going to get me in Pantheon. Who knows what Blythe is doing right now to get ready. I gotta turn the dial up to 11 and rock this mofo like I was born to do. Yeah. FUCK YEAH! If this was a movie right about now there'd be some inspirational music playing as a montage started.
Neither of those things happen because this is obviously not a movie.
Dexter Radcliffe: So if I'm going to go bigger and harder, there's only one way to go. I'm going to have to-
To Be Continued...
