Post by Jack of Blades on Sept 23, 2006 19:11:25 GMT -5
(There are numerous places in the world where important decisions can be made. A golf course, a law court, a bedroom. But there is always that one isolated arena of choice that is sheltered from the public. This is where the true leaders of the world unite and decide the future while the puppet politicians ‘elected’ by the populous dance and twirl in performance. We open up on a similar cavern of fate for today. An image of the flattened globe overlooks a large oval table somewhat ominously as if the attendees of the room have plans for complete domination. A water cooler is the only over noticeable trait of the room with its majority blackened from view. A large blue light illuminates the part of the room that we can see but does nothing to dispel the foreboding present within. Around the oval table sit seven figures. All ready to make the decisions of the world. All ready to decide our fate. The camera drops down onto the table and focuses on the figure seated at the end of the table. Presumably, he is the central figure. Every piece of attire and clothing that hangs off him has the words ‘Cool Wear’ printed on it. This would seem fine if it were not for the fact that he is dressed with accessories more suited in a smaller quantity. Five wristbands on one arm and four on another all present the words ‘Cool Wear.’ His T-Shirt bears ‘Cool Wear’ in bold. Down each leg in fine lettering are the words ‘Cool Wear.’ Wearing a pair of sunglasses with each visor boasting one of the following words each: ‘Cool Wear.’ Both hats he has on proudly display the words ‘Cool Wear.’ It is clear that either this man receives his clothes free and has no choice on their design or is in someway affiliated with the brand make. Only the faint smile of the ‘Bastard Clown’ makes it obvious who this is. He begins to speak.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Welcome Gentleman to today’s meeting of The New Dynasty. Roll Call. Creeping Dentistry.
(The camera pans over to the person seated left of ‘The Tort’ revealing a professional actor in the role of ‘Creeping Dentistry’ who is applying make up to himself with the help of a compact while wearing a ballet tutu.)
Creeping Dentistry: Yo.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Nate Nyquil.
(The camera does another left pan to the next seated person. We learn that we are being introduced to the attendees through a clockwork sweep. We zoom in on ‘Nate Nyquil’ played by Ace. He has not made any effort to change his appearance and the only way that we can establish that this is Nate is the fact that he is heavily asleep snoring loudly.)
(Out of view.) Creeping Dentistry: He’s here.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Tort 2.
(The camera sweeps once more revealing a cardboard cut out of Jack of Blades as ‘The Tort’ wearing the same clothing as the actual character but instead looking wildly happily.)
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: He’s just here in case I need to do things like fan appearances or charismatic interviews. Kake Den.
(We turn to the other side of the table and onto Kake Den who is dressed in a similar fashion to Hannibal from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ with muzzle and trolley provided. His eyes dart along shiftily suggesting that some hidden madness is going through his head. Suddenly a hand comes across the screen and removes the muzzle with a pull of the lock.)
Kake Den: Here.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Thank you, New. Now, New.
(We pan across the right this time where Neo is sitting there. Another actor has assumed this role and there seems to be no flaw in his appearance for him to be derided by.)
New: Ackeomritahpafateafhdksfmksdfhsdjvnssvdjhsdjdsnsvdjksd.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: I agree. And finally, Roger Harrison.
(We turn right again landing on ‘Roger Harrison’ a 4’10 plumber in dungarees with a mullet and handle bar moustache. Numerous stains crust onto his clothes but we are none the more aware of his T-Shirt reading ‘I Do Chicks…In The Ass.’)
(Broad Cockney pronunciation.) Roger Harrison: Here.
(We rotate back to Blades as ‘The Tort’ who is drinking a large cup of Pepsi. We know this because the cup is Styrofoam and has the word ‘Pepsi’ printed on it in large case.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Wow, all that name-calling got me thirsty. And when you’re thirsty, you need nothing more than a ‘Pepsi.’ Pepsi, first for thirst. Now anyway onto the main issues of today. My finisher…is everyone happy with it being changed to ‘The Almighty Dollar?’ Yes?
All: Aye.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Good. Now onto further matters. It seems as if we are lacking belts around our waists.
Roger Harrison: I ain’t. I got plenty of belts. Have to put notches in him.
Creeping Dentistry: Why, because you’re such a promiscuous sexual deviant?
(With candour.) Kake Den: No, it’s because he’s a fat shit.
(Angrily.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: I swear to my one and only god, currency, that if you go shoot once more time, I’ll get New to put that muzzle back on you.
New: Adfjasfhjasjkfasklshklasfajhsfaafddnfbfehergehfb.
(Kake Den moves uncomfortably on his trolley at this threat. We return back to Blades as ‘The Tort.’ He seems to be modelling a camera pretending to take snapshots.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: When you have moments like those, you want to remember them. It’s for moments like those that I use Fuji film. When you want something to stick, just click. Fuji. Now, I know New is concerned by something. New.
New: Ofsfhsjjfdfsmhsdjsjfhsjdksfdhtorturebeatsusfsfdjkskdljsfklslfjsdf!
(We once again come back to Blades as ‘The Tort’ but this time he’s spraying himself with ‘Axe’ deodorant.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Moments like these at the office can make you sweat like no other. That’s why I use ‘Axe.’ Axe, don’t be lax, use ‘Axe.’ Yes, New, I agree. We do need more belts passing neatly on our waists. How can more gold be unwanted? It is for this reason that I have decided Kake Den is to go after the tag belts.
Kake Den: Excellent. I shall take Nate Nyquil.
(We turn to Nate Nyquil who is still slumbering like a narcoleptic on lithium.)
Nate Nyquil: Zzz…snork…Maynard…do me harder…faster…all this blood, shit, cum on your hands.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: You will go with Roger Phillips.
Kake Den: Roger Phillips?
(Enjoying a hamburger.) Roger Philips: Wha?
Kake Den: I refuse.
Roger Phillips: What’s your beef?
Kake Den: My beef is that you have more than enough beef on your person than anyone will ever need.
Roger Phillips: Can you suggest a better place to put steak than in your pocket?
Kake Den: I was hinting at the fact that you are obese. I’m not going with him.
Roger Phillips: If I were a younger man, I’d take you on.
Kake Den: Are you serious?
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Roger Phillips has a natural ability for technical grappling.
Kake Den: Let’s see one of Roger Phillips’ renowned counters then.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Show him, New.
(New gets out of his chair and stands over Roger Phillips. He suddenly punches Roger Phillips in the nose causing a geyser of blood to rush from it.)
(In tears.) Roger Phillips: You fucking bastard.
(Roger Phillips slams New in the groin causing New to topple down in pain.)
(Groaning.) New: Sfsdfsdkhsdmkfdnmkssnvhvscjsndsmd.
Kake Den: Really, that was an efficient counter? Emotive of his library-esque knowledge of technical reversals? What comes next, does he bite him in the kneecap?
Roger Phillips: Ah, fuck this; I could be at Number 7 doing Dorothy’s pipes.
Kake Den: I need a drink of water. New, release me.
(New manages to get to his feet leaning on the table. He releases Kake Den from his chains. Kake gets up and walks over to the water cooler. Suddenly, Seth Lerch runs in from nowhere and begins to hold onto Kake Den.)
Kake Den: Argh, Seth Lerch is holding me back! Seth Lerch is holding me back!
(Seth Lerch soon releases his grip and runs off allowing Kake Den to get his water.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: I hope that’s Avion water you’re drinking. Bottled from the mountain and great in the home. When you’re feeling low, drink some H20. Avion. So about this theme tune problem. We need to change it. As a result, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. ‘Money, money, money’ by Abba, ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet and ‘Money’ by Pink Floyd.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Welcome Gentleman to today’s meeting of The New Dynasty. Roll Call. Creeping Dentistry.
(The camera pans over to the person seated left of ‘The Tort’ revealing a professional actor in the role of ‘Creeping Dentistry’ who is applying make up to himself with the help of a compact while wearing a ballet tutu.)
Creeping Dentistry: Yo.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Nate Nyquil.
(The camera does another left pan to the next seated person. We learn that we are being introduced to the attendees through a clockwork sweep. We zoom in on ‘Nate Nyquil’ played by Ace. He has not made any effort to change his appearance and the only way that we can establish that this is Nate is the fact that he is heavily asleep snoring loudly.)
(Out of view.) Creeping Dentistry: He’s here.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Tort 2.
(The camera sweeps once more revealing a cardboard cut out of Jack of Blades as ‘The Tort’ wearing the same clothing as the actual character but instead looking wildly happily.)
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: He’s just here in case I need to do things like fan appearances or charismatic interviews. Kake Den.
(We turn to the other side of the table and onto Kake Den who is dressed in a similar fashion to Hannibal from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ with muzzle and trolley provided. His eyes dart along shiftily suggesting that some hidden madness is going through his head. Suddenly a hand comes across the screen and removes the muzzle with a pull of the lock.)
Kake Den: Here.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: Thank you, New. Now, New.
(We pan across the right this time where Neo is sitting there. Another actor has assumed this role and there seems to be no flaw in his appearance for him to be derided by.)
New: Ackeomritahpafateafhdksfmksdfhsdjvnssvdjhsdjdsnsvdjksd.
(Out of view.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: I agree. And finally, Roger Harrison.
(We turn right again landing on ‘Roger Harrison’ a 4’10 plumber in dungarees with a mullet and handle bar moustache. Numerous stains crust onto his clothes but we are none the more aware of his T-Shirt reading ‘I Do Chicks…In The Ass.’)
(Broad Cockney pronunciation.) Roger Harrison: Here.
(We rotate back to Blades as ‘The Tort’ who is drinking a large cup of Pepsi. We know this because the cup is Styrofoam and has the word ‘Pepsi’ printed on it in large case.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Wow, all that name-calling got me thirsty. And when you’re thirsty, you need nothing more than a ‘Pepsi.’ Pepsi, first for thirst. Now anyway onto the main issues of today. My finisher…is everyone happy with it being changed to ‘The Almighty Dollar?’ Yes?
All: Aye.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Good. Now onto further matters. It seems as if we are lacking belts around our waists.
Roger Harrison: I ain’t. I got plenty of belts. Have to put notches in him.
Creeping Dentistry: Why, because you’re such a promiscuous sexual deviant?
(With candour.) Kake Den: No, it’s because he’s a fat shit.
(Angrily.) Blades as ‘The Tort’: I swear to my one and only god, currency, that if you go shoot once more time, I’ll get New to put that muzzle back on you.
New: Adfjasfhjasjkfasklshklasfajhsfaafddnfbfehergehfb.
(Kake Den moves uncomfortably on his trolley at this threat. We return back to Blades as ‘The Tort.’ He seems to be modelling a camera pretending to take snapshots.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: When you have moments like those, you want to remember them. It’s for moments like those that I use Fuji film. When you want something to stick, just click. Fuji. Now, I know New is concerned by something. New.
New: Ofsfhsjjfdfsmhsdjsjfhsjdksfdhtorturebeatsusfsfdjkskdljsfklslfjsdf!
(We once again come back to Blades as ‘The Tort’ but this time he’s spraying himself with ‘Axe’ deodorant.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Moments like these at the office can make you sweat like no other. That’s why I use ‘Axe.’ Axe, don’t be lax, use ‘Axe.’ Yes, New, I agree. We do need more belts passing neatly on our waists. How can more gold be unwanted? It is for this reason that I have decided Kake Den is to go after the tag belts.
Kake Den: Excellent. I shall take Nate Nyquil.
(We turn to Nate Nyquil who is still slumbering like a narcoleptic on lithium.)
Nate Nyquil: Zzz…snork…Maynard…do me harder…faster…all this blood, shit, cum on your hands.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: You will go with Roger Phillips.
Kake Den: Roger Phillips?
(Enjoying a hamburger.) Roger Philips: Wha?
Kake Den: I refuse.
Roger Phillips: What’s your beef?
Kake Den: My beef is that you have more than enough beef on your person than anyone will ever need.
Roger Phillips: Can you suggest a better place to put steak than in your pocket?
Kake Den: I was hinting at the fact that you are obese. I’m not going with him.
Roger Phillips: If I were a younger man, I’d take you on.
Kake Den: Are you serious?
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Roger Phillips has a natural ability for technical grappling.
Kake Den: Let’s see one of Roger Phillips’ renowned counters then.
Blades as ‘The Tort’: Show him, New.
(New gets out of his chair and stands over Roger Phillips. He suddenly punches Roger Phillips in the nose causing a geyser of blood to rush from it.)
(In tears.) Roger Phillips: You fucking bastard.
(Roger Phillips slams New in the groin causing New to topple down in pain.)
(Groaning.) New: Sfsdfsdkhsdmkfdnmkssnvhvscjsndsmd.
Kake Den: Really, that was an efficient counter? Emotive of his library-esque knowledge of technical reversals? What comes next, does he bite him in the kneecap?
Roger Phillips: Ah, fuck this; I could be at Number 7 doing Dorothy’s pipes.
Kake Den: I need a drink of water. New, release me.
(New manages to get to his feet leaning on the table. He releases Kake Den from his chains. Kake gets up and walks over to the water cooler. Suddenly, Seth Lerch runs in from nowhere and begins to hold onto Kake Den.)
Kake Den: Argh, Seth Lerch is holding me back! Seth Lerch is holding me back!
(Seth Lerch soon releases his grip and runs off allowing Kake Den to get his water.)
Blades as ‘The Tort’: I hope that’s Avion water you’re drinking. Bottled from the mountain and great in the home. When you’re feeling low, drink some H20. Avion. So about this theme tune problem. We need to change it. As a result, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. ‘Money, money, money’ by Abba, ‘Gold’ by Spandau Ballet and ‘Money’ by Pink Floyd.
