Post by Jack of Blades on Mar 17, 2007 18:24:27 GMT -5
"So as I was using the plethora of employers available to me to repeatedly register my vote for American Idol, something of note happened. A renegade petting zoo broke into the archetectual nightmare of my skyscraper and begun to run wild. Monkeys throw their own faeces at each other. Kangaroos began punching the crap out of fleeing workers. Wasps swarmed around cubicles with the veracity of a apocalyptic plague. Indeed, I did think what kind of petting zoo would actually feature wasps, kangaroos and monkeys but my prime concern was escaping their wrath. Unfortunately, in my frenzied attempt to escape, I tripped over some of the aforementioned excrement and slipped straight into the weighting anus of an elephant. With fourteen hours spent simply thinking and trying not to pass out from the amazing but unsurprising stench that an elephant's rectum houses, I had a deeply retrospective experience. I began to think about the nature of reality and whether emphatic truths could be contradicted by unproblematic fallacies. I considered the nature of my own crimes pitted against those without sin. Was causation a necessary attribute of blame? And as I pondered these questions, emergency teams tugging hard on my caged person, I came to a conclusion: I don't have enough money. So, after washing my hair constantly for three days straight trying to rid myself of the remains of a colossal bowel movement, one that I would like not to discuss, I decided to force the WCF to venture into new branches particularly the exciting genre of literature that is 'filmic.' Giving an opportunity to allow the creative fountains of my WCF roster to express their ideals plots for my films has proved a complete experience unlike any other. Below, my faithful fans, are the results."
Name of Movie: Jesper Reisert's 'The Duck.'
Starring: Seth Lerch as 'Seth Lerch' and Wesley Snipes as Jesper Reisert.
Tagline: "If movies have taught us anything it's that people called 'Seth' are always trying to fucking kill us because their in the process of turning into a man/animal hybrid. With no penis."
Poster:
Plot:
The plot revolves around a brilliant scientist who is obsessed with matter transportation. Seeing it as a potential way of ending pollution, sickness, impoverishment and terrorism, the scientist becomes so engrossed in his work that he is willing to risk his life to get the correct schematics. However, his rich funder, Seth Lerch doesn't see the humanitarian causes with which this experiment can solve as worthwhile and thus fires the scientist. Seth Lerch reading up on the project himself becomes interested thinking it will be a cool way to 'pick-up chicks.' And as such, he decides to test it on himself.
But something very horrible is about to happen. As Seth enters the telepod waiting to be transported to the opposing system, he fails to notice an alien element introduce itself into the equation. He fails to notice a duck enter the telepod as well. The experiment itself is a success as Lerch arrives in one-piece to the expected place. However, the duck is nowhere to be seen.
Seth, elated with his journey, does indeed use it to pick up chicks and to moderate success (at least two of them turn out to be dudes.) But soon after, odd things begin to happen. Seth, well-known for being completely hairless from the neck down begins to grow hair in odd places, some would even call them feathers. His mouth begins to toughen and extend, becoming yellow in hue.
Even, during one of his sexual escapades, his penis drops off (we realize that ducks do indeed still have penises but we liked the idea from the original movie so much, we decided to keep it in.)
"Seth Lerch prior to the 'telepod' accident in which his transformation started."
Seth realizes that something is wrong because of the telepod. Investigating the process, Seth realizes that a duck managed to be present during the moment of teleportation and the computer, in its ability to think, decided to merge the two beings together during the physical reconstruction of his body. Seth is now transforming into something new, something unseen: The LerchDuck.
As his progress into LerchDuck continues, he begins to notice odd characteristics that the merger brings about. Lacking any accentuated strength or agility, LerchDuck begins to be followed around by lonely old men, develops personal proclivites such as being close to water and enjoying bread. However, missing his wang, LerchDuck realizes that he must somehow return back to his normal state. As such, he concludes that the only way to do so would be to reduce the ratio of human/duck in his person. He must merge again with a human as to lessen the duck proportion in his body. And, so, he decides to merge with the women he loves the most, the only person who has shown him true compassion: his mom.
"We'd like to say that's some sort of catalyst coming from Seth's mouth used to break down edible substances for simpler digestion. But it's actually cum."
Terrified of spending that much time with Seth Lerch, his mom valiently escapes his effort to merge with her, instead tricking another fool to take her place.
"The fool."
Memorable Quotes:
"How does LerchDuck eat? Well, like a duck, he's fed by a legion of venerable gentlemen." - LerchDuck.
"Help me! Help me!" - LerchDuck during the sex scene.
Seth's Comments:
"I actually think this is the best one yet, surprising considering its source. However, the whole penis falling off thing, yeah, that's gonna be kind of difficult after my one-night-stand with Loretta Bobbit." - 7/10.
Name of Movie: Jesper Reisert's 'The Duck.'
Starring: Seth Lerch as 'Seth Lerch' and Wesley Snipes as Jesper Reisert.
Tagline: "If movies have taught us anything it's that people called 'Seth' are always trying to fucking kill us because their in the process of turning into a man/animal hybrid. With no penis."
Poster:
Plot:
The plot revolves around a brilliant scientist who is obsessed with matter transportation. Seeing it as a potential way of ending pollution, sickness, impoverishment and terrorism, the scientist becomes so engrossed in his work that he is willing to risk his life to get the correct schematics. However, his rich funder, Seth Lerch doesn't see the humanitarian causes with which this experiment can solve as worthwhile and thus fires the scientist. Seth Lerch reading up on the project himself becomes interested thinking it will be a cool way to 'pick-up chicks.' And as such, he decides to test it on himself.
But something very horrible is about to happen. As Seth enters the telepod waiting to be transported to the opposing system, he fails to notice an alien element introduce itself into the equation. He fails to notice a duck enter the telepod as well. The experiment itself is a success as Lerch arrives in one-piece to the expected place. However, the duck is nowhere to be seen.
Seth, elated with his journey, does indeed use it to pick up chicks and to moderate success (at least two of them turn out to be dudes.) But soon after, odd things begin to happen. Seth, well-known for being completely hairless from the neck down begins to grow hair in odd places, some would even call them feathers. His mouth begins to toughen and extend, becoming yellow in hue.
Even, during one of his sexual escapades, his penis drops off (we realize that ducks do indeed still have penises but we liked the idea from the original movie so much, we decided to keep it in.)
"Seth Lerch prior to the 'telepod' accident in which his transformation started."
Seth realizes that something is wrong because of the telepod. Investigating the process, Seth realizes that a duck managed to be present during the moment of teleportation and the computer, in its ability to think, decided to merge the two beings together during the physical reconstruction of his body. Seth is now transforming into something new, something unseen: The LerchDuck.
As his progress into LerchDuck continues, he begins to notice odd characteristics that the merger brings about. Lacking any accentuated strength or agility, LerchDuck begins to be followed around by lonely old men, develops personal proclivites such as being close to water and enjoying bread. However, missing his wang, LerchDuck realizes that he must somehow return back to his normal state. As such, he concludes that the only way to do so would be to reduce the ratio of human/duck in his person. He must merge again with a human as to lessen the duck proportion in his body. And, so, he decides to merge with the women he loves the most, the only person who has shown him true compassion: his mom.
"We'd like to say that's some sort of catalyst coming from Seth's mouth used to break down edible substances for simpler digestion. But it's actually cum."
Terrified of spending that much time with Seth Lerch, his mom valiently escapes his effort to merge with her, instead tricking another fool to take her place.
"The fool."
Memorable Quotes:
"How does LerchDuck eat? Well, like a duck, he's fed by a legion of venerable gentlemen." - LerchDuck.
"Help me! Help me!" - LerchDuck during the sex scene.
Seth's Comments:
"I actually think this is the best one yet, surprising considering its source. However, the whole penis falling off thing, yeah, that's gonna be kind of difficult after my one-night-stand with Loretta Bobbit." - 7/10.
