Jack's Correspondence

[Jack of Blades]

From the inbox of Jack of Blades

To: [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail], [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Generalities

Dear concerned member of the WCF roster,

I can understand your request that asked for the dismissal of one Davey Boone following his actions at the hotel. After considerable deliberation, the board members have decided to allow this wrestler another chance to prove that he wasn't the raving lunatic he demonstrated himself as when conversing with the bellhop.

Besides I have been in touch with the local cemetery and zoo and they have both confirmed that new gravestones and manatees (respectively) are two a dozen. Coincidently, Geoffrey, our long-standing road agent, is now taking to life with only one leg like a fish in water.

Although we have been lenient in this instance towards 'The Saviour', we ask that all our roster remain vigilant if they do see Boone purchasing an industrial sized tin of chocolate pudding.

-Thanks, Seth

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: Generalities

Fine, but if I say him approaching me with a bottle of Cognac and a heavily punctured sandbag, I'm shooting on sight.

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Transfer

So here's what I'm thinking. Once you sign the contract, you bring your title over to us and we'll pull it out of our announcer's anus.

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: Transfer

Why? Is your announcer having some kind of colonoscopy or something?

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: RE: Transfer

No.

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: None

Have you found 'The Truth?'

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: None

That 'Soylent Green' is made out of people?

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: RE: None

No.

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: RE: RE: None

That 'Rosebud' is a sled?

To: [e-mail]
From [e-mail]
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: None

No. The truth about Jesus.

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: None

Oh. That he doesn't exist?

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: I Pissin' Want Your Babies Hi

WOW! I can't believe I'm really talking to Jack of Blades. Like, the real Jack of Blades! LOL. Not 1 of those fakes on MySpace. They said that they were u. So, wehn I went to their houses and found they wernt you, I killed them with a saw! LMFAO! HAHA!

I luv what u do in the ring and away from it. Ur so funny. U and Jesper. And that Dys women. That stupid whorish slag! I'd luv to fuckin kill her. LOL!

Anyway, mayb we could get 2gether and go on a date or somat. I can't believe I just asked out Jack of Blades. LOL! Below is a pic. It stopped loadin halfway thru so it could be wrong!!!!



To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Re: Hi.

Until you can prove that your midriff hasn't been replaced entirely by the most annoying neologism in recent history, I don't want you even thinking of me.

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Jacqueline, It's Me...Jason.

Wow! I can't believe I'm actually talking to you after all this time. It's me...Jason Hodgkins. I haven't seen you since Terry Bawlins' garage party where you tried to drown yourself in a keg of Yegermeister. Good times! How have you been?

It was pure luck that I decided to log onto one of those 'Friends Found' websites and I saw your name. Unfortunately, I wasn't wearing my reading glasses (yeah, I've got glasses now, eyesight is bad hehe ) so I wasn't sure if I copied down the right email address but anyway, if thisn't isn't you Jacki, ignore this! : )

Anyway, it's been like twenty years since prom. That was good times as well. When I ordered a limousine for us and it turned out to be a Go-Kart!? LOL! Or then we got kicked out of the prom hall because of the Koalas and that vial of Ebola I brought from the black market...

So, I'm married now with two kids. Apple of my eyes and parasites of my bank account! LOL! Please email me back. Wanna talk about...good times. HAHA.

-Jason.

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Thank God, You E-Mailed

Jason, I can't believe it's you. I'm so thankful that you emailed me. Two things are of everlasting effect from the prom: the scars left by the koala bites and my love for you. I think about you everyday. Please, I beg you, leave your children and come away with me. Sell your house and car. We can start a new-life in Palestine! I've heard the house prices are really cheap. Please find me, I'll be the one dressed in the veil.

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: H:i

H:i, It:s Ch:ris:ti:n:e HE:re. Thin:kin:g o:fyou: D:id yo:u kn:ow y:OU ca:n in:crease :you:r pen:is:siz:e by :fiv:ineches:?:

To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: H:i

Wrong guy. Try Forwarding to [e-mail] or [e-mail]

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To: [e-mail]
From: [e-mail]
Subject: Yo.

Thanks for the recommendation. The 'sweets' really helped with my problem. But anyway, that wasn't why I emailed you. Do you know what to do when the 'sweets' only seem to make your 'appetite' grow sideways as opposed to 'longer?'

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