Howard Rates Your Losing RPs 5/24/15
May 25, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5
Seth, Alex Richards, and 12 more like this
Post by Howard Black on May 25, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5
Alrighty cats, I said I’d do it and I’m following through! Comments? Criticism? Rebuttals? Put ‘em beneath!
I’ll be reviewing the RPs of everyone who lost this week. Just a couple paragraphs and a nice star rating from your boy Hollywood Black. Now, I’m not Seth so my take don’t mean shit. Then again, neither does Odin’s, but y’all lined up for that. So shut up and take my criticism
Raymond Hatcher, Professor Coach, Snapz, Jimmy Wicked
N/A (No showed)
The Book of eXtreme: Chapter Thirteen; "Unlucky Thirteen" by Mikey eXtreme
This is a heavy RP, subject-wise. In fact, it’s heavy enough that I don’t expect a lot of people to be able to really pull off this sort of writing well, even in this fed. Your objective was, for those who haven’t been following the DRG until recently, both endear them to Bryan Payne then he and Mikey’s friendship. For those that don’t read your RPs, we need to care than Bryan Payne has been beheaded, and we need to empathize for Mikey when he discovers the news.
A lot of this RP felt off-the-mark, for me. Let’s start with the shoot: you just got done facing Logan and now you’re tagging with his dime-piece Katherine Phoenix. You don’t even acknowledge it; you have no mention of whether this affects the team dynamic or not. Your shoot on Flash was odd; I literally imagined the camera pulling back and you suddenly wearing a cape and robe like an Old Spice commercial. It felt unfocused and written in a ramble; it’s one thing when the dialogue is off-the-cuff, it’s another when the writing feels that way. Your shoot against Celeste was much better, probably because you had history with her. You really didn’t get into Joey, you just mentioned that you’re gonna fuck him up. Personally, I need more meat on my shoot than that.
Let’s get to the meat of the RP: the main DRG arc. This could’ve been built more. Rather than talk about Mikey and Bryan being friends, I wanted to see some flashbacks. I want to be shown, not told. Showing makes me gain a deeper feeling. When it came to the reveal of Bryan’s head, I really had no perspective of how close these two were other than you telling me. The emotional reaction also felt a little empty. Now, this is decent: “A tornado of death has always been chasing Mikey, taking everything he had ever loved with it. Mikey, though, always seemed to be one step ahead, and this tore at his insides. Why couldn't it be him? Why must he have everything taken from him. Why? The feeling in Mikey's stomach was that of a knife being thrust into him. He could feel himself gasping for air, though it did not appear he was having any breathing issues.” But you could go even further. The tunnel vision, the adrenaline rush, the sense of time moving slower. This was his BEST FRIEND? I don’t believe it; the reaction wasn’t enough. Not even a tear? C’mon man. That final lonely desert scene could’ve given you SO MUCH. Instead, you gave me a couple lines.
You’re a fine writer; grammar and spelling are good. You’ve even got the right idea what to do; this promo felt like it could’ve been really great. I just think you need to take a bigger step and really buckle down on making me, the reader, feel. This rating could’ve been much higher.
*** out of five
Happifulness Falling… by Katherine Phoenix
Despite telling me that this was a half-assed effort, I kinda like this RP. For one, it’s surreal and feverish; since most of the RP is a dream, you do a great job making it feel like a dream. That is, going back and re-reading it. I think this RP benefits massively from a re-reading, and at first blush it does feel like a half-assed effort.
Really, you’re a good writer and there’s a lot to chew on here. The RP is funny and interesting. The writing really gets us into the madness of Katherine Phoenix. Ducky Flash is a spot-on impersonation of Joey Flash. The thing is that you still could’ve gone further. You don’t need to write a novel; just flush some things out. You get me into the head of Jack Banger, when I would’ve liked to get into the head of Katherine Phoenix. You could’ve driven home just how crazy she is by describing her thoughts and reactions to this cannibal rather than his thoughts and reactions to her. Oddly, Katherine Phoenix felt like a secondary character to Jack Banger in the first half of the RP.
You’re a much better writer than maybe even you think you are. This is, for all intents and purposes, a better half-assed effort than the complete effort of some folks. It definitely feels unfinished; it could do some tweaking and flushing out. But it’s still good and I enjoyed reading it. Kathy P is getting crazier and crazier, and the writing really makes me feel that. Now just put that extra bit of effort. Also, and I acknowledge this as nitpicky, but you could’ve done a paragraph break between the killing blow and Kat waking up for dramatic effect.
***1/2 out of 5
Mod Deuce vs. Danny Anders
I don’t know if this match ended in a planned, storyline way where the results didn’t reflect the better RP. If Deuce or Danny could clarify this, I suppose I’d be reviewing II’s RP for Mod Deuce as he technically lost by DQ? Get at me; I wanna write them critiques.
A little trip to the casino by Kyle Kemp
I see you write your RPs in Word then copy-paste them. How do I know this? Because those ridiculously huge line breaks throughout your RP. Seriously dude, edit your post and clean that up. It’ll make the RP look better which makes people want to read it. Presentation is important.
First, I want to applaud you for the shoot on Spencer Adams. Concise, which is important when the shoot only deals with your storyline and not your match. Creative; really liked the bat analogy. The setting at the batting cages was a nice touch and relevant to the shoot. Keep this up. This was really fun to read. You could’ve gone longer but it wasn’t necessary.
The problem is that the casino scenes don’t really work, outside of the shoot you did on Alex Richards. First, let’s talk about the casino description: did you do any research on Mexico City casinos? Because you’re expecting me to buy that a country struggling with organized crime doesn’t have adequate security around a major tourist attraction? C’mon, man. I’ve spent a lot of time in Mexico, some even in Mexico City. Tourist areas are locked down tighter than nun pussy. And Nancy? You couldn’t have even given me Maria?
That’s the big problem with this part of the RP: believability. These two share a total of 15 lines back and forth being total jerks and you expect me to buy that this woman will have a drink with Kemp. I feel like you’re going for this sort of Tucker Max angle with Kemp, which is fine, but he lacks the important factor which makes Tucker successful: charisma and wit. When Tucker Max insults people, he’s funny and oddly smart; he drops like references to obscure bits of pop culture, world history, and just uninhibited shit-headedness. Kemp just seems like a dick. Not even a funny or charming dick; just a dick. If you want me to buy Kemp picking up this woman, I need to see why anyone would go with Kemp other than him being attractive. I need some real flirting. I need swag, man. Swag. He’s Kyle fucking Kemp; why should he hurry off and let the next person in line go when he’s trying to get laid?
You have a good character, and the feud with Adams is genius. I think you both have a lot of raw potential and great characters. But like Spener, you’re still really green. I’d really recommend reading “The Game” or a book by Tucker Max for some inspiration. You’re on the right track: Kyle Kemp is a scummy piece of shit I want to see get bodied by Spencer Adams. As a heel, mission accomplished. But Kyle Kemp also feels paper-thin right now. You know how neckbeards say “Girls only want assholes”? That’s what Kemp is a caricature of right now. The problem is that this view is inherently flawed in its simplicity: those “assholes” often have a certain charm and confidence which makes them so appealing. I need to see that charm and wit to really believe Kemp as a character.
*1/2 out of 5
A Routine Night by Vulgar
You are a very talented writer. You have a great character and can write incredibly well. I also feel really bad both you and Kemp, as shooting against a mystery opponent is fucking impossible. However, the biggest flaw with this RP is that it doesn’t feel like a half-assed effort; it feels quarter-assed. The shoot? Paper thin. Absolutely nothing. You talk more about Kyle Kemp than Alex Richards, the guy you’re against. I need more. I demand more. I know you can do better, man; step it up.
The other scenes are fine. There’s a certain feverishness to your RPs which may even eclipse Kathy P’s. I really, really dig it. The character and world of Vulgar are so twisted, nightmarish, and amusing to read. I don’t think you need to write long RPs; you have the talent to give me something in 1000 words that most couldn’t give in 5000. But you need to make me feel like the entire RP is relevant. That video of you staring at the camera for 11 minutes would’ve been impressive if YouTube didn’t say it was posted two years ago. C’mon man; you give me 11 minutes of staring posted this week and I’ll give you points for it. But even a creepy video, while impressive, can’t make up for a lack of content in the RP.
*1/2 out of 5 Because I know you can do better.
The Necromancer Has Arrived by Isaiah Chavis
This was one of the better losing RPs. I’m pretty high on Chavis as a character and writer, but this RP definitely has some problems. Firstly, the Milenko scene: as someone familiar with ICP’s mythos, I immediately got it. For those who aren’t? This goes completely over their heads. But that’s the thing: it didn’t have to. You could’ve put just a little blurb in there to give some information. Put it in the thoughts of Chavis. Have us follow his thought process as he recognizes this figure. Use that to build up the tension of this Oh Shit Moment. If you’re going to incorporate the mythos of ICP and the Joker’s Card, use this as a way to explain it. Help your non-juggalo readers. It will make this utilization of the mythos feel more meaningful.
Second, the shows have been in Mexico for a month now and Chavis is hanging out at home. So is he just flying back and forth constantly? I’d like to know this stuff; make the character feel like he inhabits this universe. It may just be me, but it was sort of a continuity head-scratcher.
Last thing, and this is a personal preference, but I didn’t care that your shoot was a response to Z-Mac’s shoot. You didn’t need to do that; I’m sure you could’ve guessed Z-Mac would pick fun of Chavis being gay. Haven’t you faced Z-Mac before and won? This is where you take what he did as his shoot last time and use that as fuel. It didn’t kill the promo, I just know you can do better.
Good RP with solid dialogue (very important). Chavis is an endearing scamp, and I really like this slice of his life. You have a fun story and a developed character; while it’s easy to write just for Seth, your RPs could benefit from writing for everyone and really making us feel like the world of Isaiah Chavis is the same world as the rest of us.
***1/2 out of 5.
slam rp for mayhem by Marc Mayhem
I really want to write this off as “Marc was out of town and blasted out an RP on his phone to avoid no-showing”, but that does a disservice to Marc who actually took time to type an RP out on a phone.
So you wrote a RP in which your character doesn’t even appear. Bold strategy. I actually think it paid off. One of the biggest problems about this RP is that it’s sloppy. Like, the formatting and grammar and complete garbage. I’m going to chock that up to writing off a phone, but seriously Broseidon, get that locked down next time. Also, you’ve clearly never done coke, as there’s no way anyone on coke wants to eat after a four hour coke binge. Wonder how models get skinny? Blow. It’s an appetite suppressant. As someone who’s actually done blow, Hank Brown should be pacing or breaking things. You made blow out like heroin: that dopey, dazed-out drug. No, man. Watch a Motley Crue DVD and you’ll see what coke does to a man. Coke makes best friends beat the shit out of each other just because. Coke is the drug equivalent of Four Loko. It’s break shit and act like a dickhead. It’s like powdered douche-baggery.
The shoot was your strong point. I actually thought it was pretty solid. You made some solid swings against everyone and it demonstrated that you actually read the RPs of your opponents. You have a grasp of their stories. You shot on that. You got nasty with it. I really dug it.
If this RP didn’t look like garbage, it’d probably be a four star. It was surprisingly decent on a substance-level, it just sucked balls on a style level.
*** out of five
A New Chapter Has Been Written by Oblivion
You don’t smoke peyote, you eat it or brew a tea out of it. Mescaline, the main psychotropic ingredient of peyote, is incredibly sensitive to heat and will be completely destroyed by fire. Now that we’ve revealed more of my drug-using past, let’s get onto the rest of the RP.
My favorite part about this RP is the mention of missing persons in the beginning. When you think about it, this is black humor at its finest, and I wish it had been spelled out. Think about it: Mexico has such an increase in missing persons that people are getting suspicious? Is Oblivion kidnapping and killing twenty people a night?! A-mazing. I laughed aloud when I thought about it.
The Abe Froman character is an interesting one. I like the talk centered around Oblivion’s losing streak and “becoming the monster” again. The character development and beginning of this arc is solid, though it probably could’ve benefitted from a bit more subtlety. It kind of felt like I was being beaten over the head with Abe’s demonic identity when some nuance could’ve made it more chilling. However, the biggest flaw with this RP is really that it lacks a shoot. You talk some shit on the Poondocks but don’t really say anything at all about the DRG and Sentinels other than a mention. Just do that next time?
*** out of five
”The Procession of Lost Souls” by Bobby Cairo
I actually have no idea how the Poondock Saints lost. Both Bobby and Kaz are mind blowingly incredible writers, and I was looking forward to how Bobby would shit on me. I wasn't disappointed. Cairo fucking bodied everyone, especially Spencer Adams. It was an absolute joy to face this guy in a match and read him shitting on me.
*****
True Friends Stab You in the Front by KazMonstuh
Solid effort from Kaz, as per usual. Again, I have no idea how we beat the Saints with these two RPs. Not that I don’t have my critiques/reviews, etc. Just that there’s far less for these and it feels more nitpicky:
The Kaz hesitancy has been a big part of your RPs. To completely wrap it up in a single RP felt rushed. Just me. Also, where was Bobby Cairo? Dunno, again this is nitpicky. The scene was good and I liked the shenanigans. Just felt like a rushed conclusion to this line of the Imperium story, like it was an attempt to get united on a more OOC level than what made sense IC.
The shoot also felt a little lacking compared to your previous shoots. It’s not bad, it just could’ve been better. You bent Marc Mayhem, Oblivion, Occulo, and Spencer Adams over and whipped them; I felt the shoots against myself and Gemini Battle could’ve been better. I’m not even using the Honey Badger name any more, for instance. As for the Gemini Battle shoot, it just felt kinda thin. Felt like it could’ve been for anyone if you switched Gemini Battle’s name out.
Even with these critiques, it was still an awesome RP. Your shoot is your strong point but you’re showing you can write a great storyline. The other guys you wrote for (Flash, ICE, Buddy, ZMAC) felt like they wrote themselves rather than you writing them, which is the most impressive part; I flat out refuse to write other folks out of this fear, and you just fucking nailed it.
**** out of five
Peanut Butter Highfives by Gemini Battle
This is not up to your usual quality. I don’t blame you; you have a huge match next week to be planning for. But this is not up to your usual quality. The shoots felt super uninspired, for one. You hit me with all the same things I’ve ever been hit with. I’ve been nailed with them so much, I wrote into a RP a few back about how uninspired they were. A few weeks back. C’mon man, step it up. Talking about Occulo and Flash is common knowledge. The Imperium/Poondocks analogy just didn’t really gel in my mind; how are you gonna say Bobby Cairo is quiet when his promos are 90% shoot? Across the board, this just felt lazy, and I know you aren’t lazy. You’re one of the most balling guys in this fed; this just feels phoned in.
The DRG storyline is good. The writing of Spencer Adams didn’t really have that sort of goofy awkwardness I expect from Spencer. I’m not faulting you if this was rushed; you have a big week this week. But it’s still a rushed effort.
*** out of five
You’re welcome, White America by Spencer Adams
I’m going to use this RP as an example of why you shouldn’t shoot off your opponent’s shoot. So you chose to go along with the press conference scenario I wrote, which I think is great. It adds continuity into the universe and makes it feel like we inhabit each other’s stories just outside the frame. Here’s the problem: the shoot you made about referenced something my character thought, not said, and something he’d be think several days later. Go reread what I wrote in the press conference: I don’t say any of the things you claim I said. What you’re drawing off is the internal monologue I wrote Howard having before his match. Huge continuity blunder. You just made Spencer Adams able to read minds and predict the future. I don’t know if Seth sees this and docks it, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
The amount of line breaks? Hideous. Unnecessary. I understand that some people don’t like the “walls of text” look, but this looks like you’re trying to make your RP look physically bigger. I personally think it’s more hideous than a wall of text; it’s just sort of these bullet points.
This is actually a pretty good RP, in my opinion. You’re funny. Spencer Adams is adorkable. The corniness of the character is a real strength, and you play it well. I’d like to get more into Spencer’s head, but Spencer is so loose-lipped that we know what he thinks with what he says. The shoot was pretty good too for someone who barely knows these guys. This would be a better score, but I’m making an example of you. The ugly formatting is ugly, and you need to stop shooting off of your opponents’ shoots.
** out of five
I’ll be reviewing the RPs of everyone who lost this week. Just a couple paragraphs and a nice star rating from your boy Hollywood Black. Now, I’m not Seth so my take don’t mean shit. Then again, neither does Odin’s, but y’all lined up for that. So shut up and take my criticism
Raymond Hatcher, Professor Coach, Snapz, Jimmy Wicked
N/A (No showed)
The Book of eXtreme: Chapter Thirteen; "Unlucky Thirteen" by Mikey eXtreme
This is a heavy RP, subject-wise. In fact, it’s heavy enough that I don’t expect a lot of people to be able to really pull off this sort of writing well, even in this fed. Your objective was, for those who haven’t been following the DRG until recently, both endear them to Bryan Payne then he and Mikey’s friendship. For those that don’t read your RPs, we need to care than Bryan Payne has been beheaded, and we need to empathize for Mikey when he discovers the news.
A lot of this RP felt off-the-mark, for me. Let’s start with the shoot: you just got done facing Logan and now you’re tagging with his dime-piece Katherine Phoenix. You don’t even acknowledge it; you have no mention of whether this affects the team dynamic or not. Your shoot on Flash was odd; I literally imagined the camera pulling back and you suddenly wearing a cape and robe like an Old Spice commercial. It felt unfocused and written in a ramble; it’s one thing when the dialogue is off-the-cuff, it’s another when the writing feels that way. Your shoot against Celeste was much better, probably because you had history with her. You really didn’t get into Joey, you just mentioned that you’re gonna fuck him up. Personally, I need more meat on my shoot than that.
Let’s get to the meat of the RP: the main DRG arc. This could’ve been built more. Rather than talk about Mikey and Bryan being friends, I wanted to see some flashbacks. I want to be shown, not told. Showing makes me gain a deeper feeling. When it came to the reveal of Bryan’s head, I really had no perspective of how close these two were other than you telling me. The emotional reaction also felt a little empty. Now, this is decent: “A tornado of death has always been chasing Mikey, taking everything he had ever loved with it. Mikey, though, always seemed to be one step ahead, and this tore at his insides. Why couldn't it be him? Why must he have everything taken from him. Why? The feeling in Mikey's stomach was that of a knife being thrust into him. He could feel himself gasping for air, though it did not appear he was having any breathing issues.” But you could go even further. The tunnel vision, the adrenaline rush, the sense of time moving slower. This was his BEST FRIEND? I don’t believe it; the reaction wasn’t enough. Not even a tear? C’mon man. That final lonely desert scene could’ve given you SO MUCH. Instead, you gave me a couple lines.
You’re a fine writer; grammar and spelling are good. You’ve even got the right idea what to do; this promo felt like it could’ve been really great. I just think you need to take a bigger step and really buckle down on making me, the reader, feel. This rating could’ve been much higher.
*** out of five
Happifulness Falling… by Katherine Phoenix
Despite telling me that this was a half-assed effort, I kinda like this RP. For one, it’s surreal and feverish; since most of the RP is a dream, you do a great job making it feel like a dream. That is, going back and re-reading it. I think this RP benefits massively from a re-reading, and at first blush it does feel like a half-assed effort.
Really, you’re a good writer and there’s a lot to chew on here. The RP is funny and interesting. The writing really gets us into the madness of Katherine Phoenix. Ducky Flash is a spot-on impersonation of Joey Flash. The thing is that you still could’ve gone further. You don’t need to write a novel; just flush some things out. You get me into the head of Jack Banger, when I would’ve liked to get into the head of Katherine Phoenix. You could’ve driven home just how crazy she is by describing her thoughts and reactions to this cannibal rather than his thoughts and reactions to her. Oddly, Katherine Phoenix felt like a secondary character to Jack Banger in the first half of the RP.
You’re a much better writer than maybe even you think you are. This is, for all intents and purposes, a better half-assed effort than the complete effort of some folks. It definitely feels unfinished; it could do some tweaking and flushing out. But it’s still good and I enjoyed reading it. Kathy P is getting crazier and crazier, and the writing really makes me feel that. Now just put that extra bit of effort. Also, and I acknowledge this as nitpicky, but you could’ve done a paragraph break between the killing blow and Kat waking up for dramatic effect.
***1/2 out of 5
Mod Deuce vs. Danny Anders
I don’t know if this match ended in a planned, storyline way where the results didn’t reflect the better RP. If Deuce or Danny could clarify this, I suppose I’d be reviewing II’s RP for Mod Deuce as he technically lost by DQ? Get at me; I wanna write them critiques.
A little trip to the casino by Kyle Kemp
I see you write your RPs in Word then copy-paste them. How do I know this? Because those ridiculously huge line breaks throughout your RP. Seriously dude, edit your post and clean that up. It’ll make the RP look better which makes people want to read it. Presentation is important.
First, I want to applaud you for the shoot on Spencer Adams. Concise, which is important when the shoot only deals with your storyline and not your match. Creative; really liked the bat analogy. The setting at the batting cages was a nice touch and relevant to the shoot. Keep this up. This was really fun to read. You could’ve gone longer but it wasn’t necessary.
The problem is that the casino scenes don’t really work, outside of the shoot you did on Alex Richards. First, let’s talk about the casino description: did you do any research on Mexico City casinos? Because you’re expecting me to buy that a country struggling with organized crime doesn’t have adequate security around a major tourist attraction? C’mon, man. I’ve spent a lot of time in Mexico, some even in Mexico City. Tourist areas are locked down tighter than nun pussy. And Nancy? You couldn’t have even given me Maria?
That’s the big problem with this part of the RP: believability. These two share a total of 15 lines back and forth being total jerks and you expect me to buy that this woman will have a drink with Kemp. I feel like you’re going for this sort of Tucker Max angle with Kemp, which is fine, but he lacks the important factor which makes Tucker successful: charisma and wit. When Tucker Max insults people, he’s funny and oddly smart; he drops like references to obscure bits of pop culture, world history, and just uninhibited shit-headedness. Kemp just seems like a dick. Not even a funny or charming dick; just a dick. If you want me to buy Kemp picking up this woman, I need to see why anyone would go with Kemp other than him being attractive. I need some real flirting. I need swag, man. Swag. He’s Kyle fucking Kemp; why should he hurry off and let the next person in line go when he’s trying to get laid?
You have a good character, and the feud with Adams is genius. I think you both have a lot of raw potential and great characters. But like Spener, you’re still really green. I’d really recommend reading “The Game” or a book by Tucker Max for some inspiration. You’re on the right track: Kyle Kemp is a scummy piece of shit I want to see get bodied by Spencer Adams. As a heel, mission accomplished. But Kyle Kemp also feels paper-thin right now. You know how neckbeards say “Girls only want assholes”? That’s what Kemp is a caricature of right now. The problem is that this view is inherently flawed in its simplicity: those “assholes” often have a certain charm and confidence which makes them so appealing. I need to see that charm and wit to really believe Kemp as a character.
*1/2 out of 5
A Routine Night by Vulgar
You are a very talented writer. You have a great character and can write incredibly well. I also feel really bad both you and Kemp, as shooting against a mystery opponent is fucking impossible. However, the biggest flaw with this RP is that it doesn’t feel like a half-assed effort; it feels quarter-assed. The shoot? Paper thin. Absolutely nothing. You talk more about Kyle Kemp than Alex Richards, the guy you’re against. I need more. I demand more. I know you can do better, man; step it up.
The other scenes are fine. There’s a certain feverishness to your RPs which may even eclipse Kathy P’s. I really, really dig it. The character and world of Vulgar are so twisted, nightmarish, and amusing to read. I don’t think you need to write long RPs; you have the talent to give me something in 1000 words that most couldn’t give in 5000. But you need to make me feel like the entire RP is relevant. That video of you staring at the camera for 11 minutes would’ve been impressive if YouTube didn’t say it was posted two years ago. C’mon man; you give me 11 minutes of staring posted this week and I’ll give you points for it. But even a creepy video, while impressive, can’t make up for a lack of content in the RP.
*1/2 out of 5 Because I know you can do better.
The Necromancer Has Arrived by Isaiah Chavis
This was one of the better losing RPs. I’m pretty high on Chavis as a character and writer, but this RP definitely has some problems. Firstly, the Milenko scene: as someone familiar with ICP’s mythos, I immediately got it. For those who aren’t? This goes completely over their heads. But that’s the thing: it didn’t have to. You could’ve put just a little blurb in there to give some information. Put it in the thoughts of Chavis. Have us follow his thought process as he recognizes this figure. Use that to build up the tension of this Oh Shit Moment. If you’re going to incorporate the mythos of ICP and the Joker’s Card, use this as a way to explain it. Help your non-juggalo readers. It will make this utilization of the mythos feel more meaningful.
Second, the shows have been in Mexico for a month now and Chavis is hanging out at home. So is he just flying back and forth constantly? I’d like to know this stuff; make the character feel like he inhabits this universe. It may just be me, but it was sort of a continuity head-scratcher.
Last thing, and this is a personal preference, but I didn’t care that your shoot was a response to Z-Mac’s shoot. You didn’t need to do that; I’m sure you could’ve guessed Z-Mac would pick fun of Chavis being gay. Haven’t you faced Z-Mac before and won? This is where you take what he did as his shoot last time and use that as fuel. It didn’t kill the promo, I just know you can do better.
Good RP with solid dialogue (very important). Chavis is an endearing scamp, and I really like this slice of his life. You have a fun story and a developed character; while it’s easy to write just for Seth, your RPs could benefit from writing for everyone and really making us feel like the world of Isaiah Chavis is the same world as the rest of us.
***1/2 out of 5.
slam rp for mayhem by Marc Mayhem
I really want to write this off as “Marc was out of town and blasted out an RP on his phone to avoid no-showing”, but that does a disservice to Marc who actually took time to type an RP out on a phone.
So you wrote a RP in which your character doesn’t even appear. Bold strategy. I actually think it paid off. One of the biggest problems about this RP is that it’s sloppy. Like, the formatting and grammar and complete garbage. I’m going to chock that up to writing off a phone, but seriously Broseidon, get that locked down next time. Also, you’ve clearly never done coke, as there’s no way anyone on coke wants to eat after a four hour coke binge. Wonder how models get skinny? Blow. It’s an appetite suppressant. As someone who’s actually done blow, Hank Brown should be pacing or breaking things. You made blow out like heroin: that dopey, dazed-out drug. No, man. Watch a Motley Crue DVD and you’ll see what coke does to a man. Coke makes best friends beat the shit out of each other just because. Coke is the drug equivalent of Four Loko. It’s break shit and act like a dickhead. It’s like powdered douche-baggery.
The shoot was your strong point. I actually thought it was pretty solid. You made some solid swings against everyone and it demonstrated that you actually read the RPs of your opponents. You have a grasp of their stories. You shot on that. You got nasty with it. I really dug it.
If this RP didn’t look like garbage, it’d probably be a four star. It was surprisingly decent on a substance-level, it just sucked balls on a style level.
*** out of five
A New Chapter Has Been Written by Oblivion
You don’t smoke peyote, you eat it or brew a tea out of it. Mescaline, the main psychotropic ingredient of peyote, is incredibly sensitive to heat and will be completely destroyed by fire. Now that we’ve revealed more of my drug-using past, let’s get onto the rest of the RP.
My favorite part about this RP is the mention of missing persons in the beginning. When you think about it, this is black humor at its finest, and I wish it had been spelled out. Think about it: Mexico has such an increase in missing persons that people are getting suspicious? Is Oblivion kidnapping and killing twenty people a night?! A-mazing. I laughed aloud when I thought about it.
The Abe Froman character is an interesting one. I like the talk centered around Oblivion’s losing streak and “becoming the monster” again. The character development and beginning of this arc is solid, though it probably could’ve benefitted from a bit more subtlety. It kind of felt like I was being beaten over the head with Abe’s demonic identity when some nuance could’ve made it more chilling. However, the biggest flaw with this RP is really that it lacks a shoot. You talk some shit on the Poondocks but don’t really say anything at all about the DRG and Sentinels other than a mention. Just do that next time?
*** out of five
”The Procession of Lost Souls” by Bobby Cairo
I actually have no idea how the Poondock Saints lost. Both Bobby and Kaz are mind blowingly incredible writers, and I was looking forward to how Bobby would shit on me. I wasn't disappointed. Cairo fucking bodied everyone, especially Spencer Adams. It was an absolute joy to face this guy in a match and read him shitting on me.
*****
True Friends Stab You in the Front by KazMonstuh
Solid effort from Kaz, as per usual. Again, I have no idea how we beat the Saints with these two RPs. Not that I don’t have my critiques/reviews, etc. Just that there’s far less for these and it feels more nitpicky:
The Kaz hesitancy has been a big part of your RPs. To completely wrap it up in a single RP felt rushed. Just me. Also, where was Bobby Cairo? Dunno, again this is nitpicky. The scene was good and I liked the shenanigans. Just felt like a rushed conclusion to this line of the Imperium story, like it was an attempt to get united on a more OOC level than what made sense IC.
The shoot also felt a little lacking compared to your previous shoots. It’s not bad, it just could’ve been better. You bent Marc Mayhem, Oblivion, Occulo, and Spencer Adams over and whipped them; I felt the shoots against myself and Gemini Battle could’ve been better. I’m not even using the Honey Badger name any more, for instance. As for the Gemini Battle shoot, it just felt kinda thin. Felt like it could’ve been for anyone if you switched Gemini Battle’s name out.
Even with these critiques, it was still an awesome RP. Your shoot is your strong point but you’re showing you can write a great storyline. The other guys you wrote for (Flash, ICE, Buddy, ZMAC) felt like they wrote themselves rather than you writing them, which is the most impressive part; I flat out refuse to write other folks out of this fear, and you just fucking nailed it.
**** out of five
Peanut Butter Highfives by Gemini Battle
This is not up to your usual quality. I don’t blame you; you have a huge match next week to be planning for. But this is not up to your usual quality. The shoots felt super uninspired, for one. You hit me with all the same things I’ve ever been hit with. I’ve been nailed with them so much, I wrote into a RP a few back about how uninspired they were. A few weeks back. C’mon man, step it up. Talking about Occulo and Flash is common knowledge. The Imperium/Poondocks analogy just didn’t really gel in my mind; how are you gonna say Bobby Cairo is quiet when his promos are 90% shoot? Across the board, this just felt lazy, and I know you aren’t lazy. You’re one of the most balling guys in this fed; this just feels phoned in.
The DRG storyline is good. The writing of Spencer Adams didn’t really have that sort of goofy awkwardness I expect from Spencer. I’m not faulting you if this was rushed; you have a big week this week. But it’s still a rushed effort.
*** out of five
You’re welcome, White America by Spencer Adams
I’m going to use this RP as an example of why you shouldn’t shoot off your opponent’s shoot. So you chose to go along with the press conference scenario I wrote, which I think is great. It adds continuity into the universe and makes it feel like we inhabit each other’s stories just outside the frame. Here’s the problem: the shoot you made about referenced something my character thought, not said, and something he’d be think several days later. Go reread what I wrote in the press conference: I don’t say any of the things you claim I said. What you’re drawing off is the internal monologue I wrote Howard having before his match. Huge continuity blunder. You just made Spencer Adams able to read minds and predict the future. I don’t know if Seth sees this and docks it, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
The amount of line breaks? Hideous. Unnecessary. I understand that some people don’t like the “walls of text” look, but this looks like you’re trying to make your RP look physically bigger. I personally think it’s more hideous than a wall of text; it’s just sort of these bullet points.
This is actually a pretty good RP, in my opinion. You’re funny. Spencer Adams is adorkable. The corniness of the character is a real strength, and you play it well. I’d like to get more into Spencer’s head, but Spencer is so loose-lipped that we know what he thinks with what he says. The shoot was pretty good too for someone who barely knows these guys. This would be a better score, but I’m making an example of you. The ugly formatting is ugly, and you need to stop shooting off of your opponents’ shoots.
** out of five
