Post by Alex Richards on May 17, 2015 13:00:05 GMT -5
Voice Over: (Alex Richards)YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The Archduke of Mass Confusion here. I'll bet you're wondering why I'm doing my own narration instead of getting Zach to do it. I know normally I'm more into drinking instead of editing but don't worry we'll get to that. I always do after all. Some people are happy I don't narrate because I always get off topic. I don't know why they think that. I mean it's not like I'm telling a story about how I went around the bar on Sunday night eating as many worms from the bottom of Tequila bottles as possible because it was out of pretzels. Total bullshit by the way, what bar doesn't have bar food? But anyhow since I'm not easily distracted I'll set the scene for you folks. The Scarecrow and Jayson Price are currently walking down the hallway of the finest hotel 250 pesos would buy. The ripped, torn, dirty carpet, the obviously smoke destroyed yellow walls obviously tell the tale of how good this place is.
Scarecrow: Are you sure this is where we're supposed to meet Alex. I would have thought it would have been in his Strange Rover.
Jayson Price: I think he needs to paint that thing yellow and call it the School Bus. This better be the right place though. I wouldn't set foot in here on my own accord. Someone needs to tell Alex since he's Pantheon now he doesn't still have to be cheap! You think this place has roaches or bed bugs?
Scarecrow: Probably both. I've been in worse places Jayson, you're just spoiled by your tower.
Jayson Price: Stupid Mexico, I miss my tower. I could get on my plane and be there now but I want to make sure my team is in order for this Sunday. And if meeting here is what it takes, well I'm not a future two time trios MVP for nothing. Have I mentioned that last year I lead Pantheon to victory over Ice Beckman, Logan, Oblivion, Torture, John Gable, and Terry Roberts? The last name isn't that impressive but..
Voice Over: (Richards) The Scarecrow rolls his eyes as Jayson continues... lucky for the Crow they are at room 478.
Scarecrow: Here we are. Let's see what Alex's reason for disappearing all week was.
Jayson Price: He better fucking have a good one.
Voice Over: (Richards)The door swings open and the duo are treated to the sight of me packing. Now most people bring a suitcase but those are highly overrated. If you're visiting a foreign country clearly you need a giant metal trunk. Most people pack up clothes, but that is way too predictable. I'll throwing anything and everything into the trunk. Scarecrow and Jayson look confused.
Scarecrow: So you invited us here? To watch you pack up to leave?
Jayson Price: I could be drinking.
Scarecrow: That does sound like a better idea. And why do you have a lime green chainsaw?
Alex Richards: Everyone should have a lime green chainsaw. It distracts people while you vandalize.
Jayson Price: I get that. Well at least more than I get people like Jeff Purse picking against us. Geez, I used to think that was smart. Or at least a little smart. But picking Black, Fly, and Orbit against Scarecrow, Richards and I. Geez, he might claim he's the future but he clearly isn't from the future.
Alex Richards: That's what I called you guys here for. I spent the last day drinking the water.
Scarecrow: That does explain why you haven't been around.
Jayson Price: And your shitty choice of hotels.
Alex Richards: And I realized a giant conspiracy. The water isn't undrinkable it's made of pure Tequila! I'm gonna bottle this shit up and sell it!
Scarecrow: I don't think that's right.
Jayson Price: I don't care. Get to the point.
Alex Richards: Clearly this is going to take a lot of time so I'm leaving Mexico. Right now.
Scarecrow: Yeah... right.
Alex Richards: That plus you know I'm really really really scared of becoming just another Flyjobber on the wall.
Jayson Price: Stop fucking doing Logan, this isn't amusing me!
Scarecrow: If he's doing Logan who has to be Lilith?
Jayson Price: Not fucking me!
Scarecrow: Me neither. You do have Cameramen Bob and Stu.
Jayson Price: This is Alex's bad idea. He should use his own flunkies and leave mine out of it.
Alex Richards: You guys got that was I doing Logan so quickly?
Scarecrow: Of course we did. It was a lame copy.
Alex Richards: You mean doing the same times over and over again aren't as effective the next time?
Jayson Price: No shit.
Alex Richards: Someone needs to tell Corey than then. Last week Logan pussying out might not have been too predictable but if I did it this week it would have no impact at all. Because it's been done before and seen before right? Kind of like Steve, Corey, and Johnny teaming up. I mean if this was 2012 that might be impressive. They would have had something then. But this is 2015. Those three get together in 2012 and say we are going to win king of trios I think, wow they are going to win king of trios. In 2015, if they say the same thing I think, here are three veterans grasping at straws. Corey said it himself. He was going to let the three of us represent Pantheon this year in king of trios. Why would he do this? Perhaps because he knew that the three of us had the best chance of winning? So this Sunday night we're going to show him why he should have left well enough alone and not entered the tournament. Because Corey was right. The three of us do have the best chance of winning and we will prove it! We are one hundred percent winning this week and advancing to the finals.
Scarecrow: Since when did you get so confident?
Alex Richards: I'm glad you asked Crow. I have a story to tell. A story of where I have been this week.
Jayson Price: Is it a long story because I might need to mix a drink.
Scarecrow: We should all mix drinks even if it isn't.
Alex Richards: I can't argue with that logic gentlemen..
Voice Over: Instantly everyone has a drink in hand. Is it because we edited out the drink making process or because we are all alcoholic who really can make a drink at the drop of a hat? You be the judge.
Scarecrow: Why is the only thing to drink in your hotel room Zim-Quila?
Alex Richards: Because it's awesome.
Jayson Price: It better have a lot of tequila in it.
Alex Richards: Of course it does!
Scarecrow: I'm just happy you have glasses instead of the usual boots.
Alex Richards: Packed them already, unfortunately. But back to my story. It all started with....
Voice Over: (SZR) I'll bet you're happy to have me back narrating aren't you? It will definitely make things flow smoother I promise. At the current moment we are in a usual position. Me, behind the wheel of the Strange Rover. Alex riding shotgun. Me, not having a clue where this is going. Alex drinking from a boot full of Zim-Quila.
Alex Richards: I always used to wonder about running out of Zim-Quila but fortunately the Strange Rover both runs on and produces Zim-Quila so now I got that covered.
SZR: I'm always worried about you running out of liver function. With with the constant drinking, and pill popping, and ridiculous risk taking.
Alex Richards: You're not living life if you aren't doing something only .01 percent of the world even understands Zach.
SZR: I don't understand how your vehicle runs on alcohol...
Alex Richards: Just goes to show you how flawed advertising is. From the commercials no one loved Zima. Well I love Zima. I love Tequila so I put them together. And obviously I was right because cars love Zim-Quila too. Besides I've never trust a truck that wasn't as drunk as I am! Now are you ready to celebrate tonight Zach?
Voice Over: (SZR) I've been around Alex for a long time so it's always good to clarify things. Unless we end up celebrating Alex's new made up holiday punch the statue of liberty in the crotch day. Don't laugh he seriously thought it up. Fortunately by the time he swam to the statue the mood had pasted. But still, always good to be careful.
SZR: So we're celebrating Pantheon's win in the king of trios?
Alex Richards: Not just that... we're celebrating getting one step closer to gaining our revenge on Imperium. Corey Black's Pantheon classic team was victorious, our Pantheon team was victorious, the two Imperium teams on the other side picked up wins.
SZR: Umm.. that isn't right.
Alex Richards: No way! Corey Black lost? I can't believe it! Although his partners haven't wrestled in months so I guess that could make sense.
SZR: They won. You know they won.
Alex Richards: Then wait a second. That can't be right. I was in the ring for that quarterfinal match against Chavis, Mayhem, and Torture. I could have sworn we won that match. I mean the ref raised our hands and everything.
SZR: You got drunk and sang Whoop There It Is for two hours straight to celebrate your win until I broke the cd.
Alex Richards: You broke the cd? Not cool! I checked that out from the library. Now I'm going to have to pay to replace it, and the late fees and... Wait a minute! If we won, and Corey Black's team won... that that must mean one of Imperium's teams didn't win! But... but... but.. they are the future. They said they were the future over and over again. One of their teams couldn't have choked right? I mean that's just not possible!
Voice Over: (SZR) Alex wanted me to make sure everyone got the sarcasm. I told him it was pretty hard to miss with how thick he was laying it on but he insisted anyways. So being my brother and all I hooked him up.
Alex Richards: Wasn't it supposed to be Pantheon versus The Pantheon old timers and Imperium versus the Imperium old timers? I mean both Pantheon teams were able to pull it off. Kind of funny isn't it? We didn't even need any lame sneak attacks to make our mark like some people.
SZR: Johhny Fly has made it quite clear they aren't Pantheon.
Alex Richards: They aren't even under contract if Corey Black isn't involved and he is Pantheon. So as far as I'm concerned they are a Pantheon team whether Fly and Orbit want to be or not because without Pantheon they weren't even be here. So that's what we're celebrating Zach, we're celebrating the fact that even before the finals of the king of trios we have already proven we're better than the Imperium senior's tour. You know come to think of it there's been a lot of veterans entering king of trios this year. Torture... been knocked out twice. Bobby Cairo, and Odin Balfore... knocked out last round. Logan and Lilith... didn't even bother showing up last round. Seems like it could be an omen doesn't it? There's only one team of veterans left and the odds aren't in their favor. But that's why we gotta celebrate Zach, because at Asesinato De Mayo, Pantheon is going to win king of trios and prove we are better than Imperium, if they even make it there. But we gotta celebrate doubly hard for our brothers in Pantheon Classic because they already proved themselves better than the Imperium classic team. It's a win-win. Wait no, we won last week, Corey's team won last week, Imperium's team lost last week, we're winning this week, and we're winning king of trios and the trios title? So it's a win-win-win-win-win-win situation? Man, do we ever have a lot of celebrating to do Zach! As everyone knows Zach, you can't celebrate on an empty stomach!
SZR: You probably ate fifteen minutes ago.
Alex Richards: No way, we're going to a buffet Zach, eating beforehand is a rookie mistake! Like filling up on bread, or not wearing pants because you think it should get around the no shirt, no shoes, no service policy. Anyhow, I set the GPS on the Strange Rover to direct you to Mexico's finest Chinese buffet, The Giant Wok!
SZR: Was it named by an eight year old hitting an early puberty... or Steven Osbourne? And it's only 3:30.
Alex Richards: You know my first rule of buffets Zach.
SZR: Always get there early so you have plenty of time to fill up?
Alex Richards: Exactly! It's like you spent too much time hanging out with me or something.
SZR: I did that months ago.
Alex Richards: Hey! Your life would be boring without me Zach! I add local color.
Voice Over:(SZR) I would have retorted with something witty, or at least hopefully witty but at this point we arrived at our destination. We pull into the parking lot of the restaurant with the massive wok on the sign and exit the Strange Rover.
SZR: Do you really think Chinese food in Mexico is a good idea?
Alex Richards: Are you kidding Zach? Have you never mixed refried beans with spring rolls before? It's a great idea in any country! Now come Zach we have a buffet to conquer!
Voice Over:(SZR) Most people aren't this excited about getting some food but Alex isn't most people. Say what you will about what Alex does but no matter what he chooses to do he always does it with an incredible amount of enthusiasm. Alex and I quickly enter, grab plates and get into the buffet line. Most people wait a few minutes to do this but you know most people aren't like Alex. He immediately goes to town. Loading up some rice, then some gravy, then some egg rolls, then a pile of chicken balls on top.
Alex Richards: See the secret to a buffet is to be creative. Sure the chef already made something good but mix a few things together and you have something unique, something no one else has thought of. That's not just my philosophy when I'm at a buffet but also when I'm wrestling a match. The more different I am in the ring the less my opponents can predict just how I am going to attack them. The fact to a good match like a good buffet is switching things up. Keep people guessing. I mean take my match this week. Corey, Johnny, and Steve have no idea what to expect out of me. That's my advantage. They have all been successful in the WCF, I won't deny that. Hell, thus far they have succeeded more than I have. But looking in them in the ring, they haven't updated their style, they haven't changed their style since the last time I was in the ring with them. That's my advantage. I am constantly changing, constantly improving. Corey Black can rest his hat on the fact he beat Jayson Price in a two out of three falls match recently. But he didn't face myself and the Scarecrow during that time did he? Corey and Johnny can also point out they won the tag team championships from myself and Oblivion. I could just that I wasn't pinned, or that Oblivion and I weren't a real team or... but the fact is why make excuses. Johnny and Corey are world class wrestlers that's why they won. But they aren't facing that same Alex Richards they did then. They haven't changed, they haven't improved but I have. Since I returned to the WCF I've won 68 matches!
SZR: Nobody really believes that Alex.
Alex Richards: Well they should! Fine, on the record I have a record of 11 wins against 1 loss. I have defeated the world champion at the time, the current United States champion, the Internet Champion, both halves of the tag team champions, the hardcore champion at the end, need I go on? Since they came back Johnny and Steve have beaten who exactly? Every week I changed things up, they got stale, and predictable. Oh... Orange Chicken. I'm going to mix that with some of the bacon bits from the salad bar to the left of us. Who says salads aren't good for anything. Maybe some ranch dressing..
Voice Over: (SZR) Alex's thoughts of feasting are interrupted by a shot right to the temple with a metal tipped cane. Alex can't even turn around as a lady wearing what appears to be a long white haired wig trips Alex with the cane and picks up the entire serving tray of orange chicken. The senior citizen wearing purple stretch pants looks victorious as she walks off with her dish.
Alex Richards: Even I'm not that greedy to take all of something.
Lady: What did you just say? You want to fight?
Alex Richards: What?
SZR: Alex, don't do it. You can't fight a female over the age of 80. You'll get arrested, you'll get..
Alex Richards: Banned from the buffet most importantly. I mean we're gonna be in Mexico for at least a few more weeks I would hate to ruin a good time.
Lady: You don't want to fight me because I'm a woman?
Alex Richards: I don't want to fight you because you're older than Moses. I mean there are plenty of tough woman.
Lady: Oh yeah? Well I'm not even a women! I'm wearing a latex mask! I just Mrs. Doubtfired you! Now do you want to fight?
Alex Richards: Not particularly. Although I do ask you should try the catfish it's more your speed.
SZR: I can't believe it. You had a chance to get in a food fight, in a crowded restaurant and you passed up on it?
Alex Richards: I know, I'm sort of ashamed of myself. It's gonna take a lot of drink to forget about that.
Lady: C'mon you wuss. I want to fight you! Because nothing turns me on more than a good fight! Then you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take this orange chicken outside in the parking lot and let my boyfriend pour the cock right to me on top of it!
Alex Richards: Wait a minute! You aren't even going to eat that orange chicken? The master chef of this restaurant slaved for hours to make that dish and you aren't going to give it the proper respect it deserves?
SZR: He probably just reheated it in the oven for a few minutes.
Lady: No, I'm not and what are you going to do about it?
Alex Richards: The same thing I do every week react rashly and then deal with the consequences of my actions later! Since you're ancient you can even have the first shot!
SZR: Didn't she already hit you with a cane twice?
Alex Richards: You make a good point Zach. Looks like she already got in the first shot!
Voice Over: At this point I don't even bother trying to stop Alex. I already know what is going to happen. In this case the old woman or man depending on how you look at it swings their cane at Alex who absorbs the shot and immediately grabs them by the throat, choke slamming them right into a chocolate fondue fountain! Alex then picks up the orange chicken and starts force feeding the senior.
Alex Richards: See? It's good! I did you a favor! You're skin and bones. That's why I was able to choke slam you so easily. You need to bulk up. And all this MSG is not only delicious but good for you. Let me get a taste.
Voice Over: Alex raises a piece of chicken then immediately screams out in pain and clutches his chest falling over.
SZR: Very funny. Umm... Alex... Alex!
Voice Over: (SZR) I drop to the floor next to my brother who appears to be having troubles breathing. Sweat pours from his forehead as he tries to sit up.
Alex Richards: This isn't right. I still have so much left to do. This can't be..
SZR: It's alright you're going to be okay.
Alex Richards: I just learned I had a brother a year old you aren't getting rid of me this easily.
Voice Over: (SZR) But unfortunately even at the end Alex was making jokes. Alex always wanted to have a good time, always wanted to make sure other people were having a good time even up until the end. Even as he...
FADED TO BLACK
Voice Over: (Richards) I feel ripped off. Whenever you see someone on television talking about their near death experience they always talk about going towards or going away from the light. But there is no light. One minute you are alive and the next minute you are standing in front of the pearly gates, which strangely enough appear to be cemetery style gates only absolutely covered in pearls. A man with a white robe, white beard and white hair holding a giant golden key stands in front of me at the gate.
Man: Welcome to Heaven... oh at least the Gates of Heaven. I'll bet you know who I am.
Alex Richards: You look a little like Santa Claus.
Voice Over: (Richards) The man suddenly looks annoyed. I have a gift of annoying people within seconds of meeting them. Apparently today is no different. Even if this is in the afterlife.
Man: Do you really want to make fun of Saint Peter? I do hold the key to the gates of Heaven after all!
Alex Richards: Sorry I'm just a little annoyed at the moment. I mean, I finally give up drinking and then I die of a massive heart attack? What a rip off! I could have died much drunker!
Saint Peter: You do know that God knows all right? You gave up drinking for a few hours!
Alex Richards: Exactly that was three extra hours of drinking I could have had! All the wasted time! Plus, I just went to a buffet, loaded up a plate of greasy goodness and I never got to even take a bite! You're sure I'm really dead right?
Saint Peter: You're seeing me. That means you're dead.
Alex Richards: Shit there was so much I had left to do. Win the WCF world champion, win king of trios, end world hunger, end AA!
Saint Peter: Okay, the three three I can understand. But why do you want to end alcoholic's anonymous actually?
Alex Richards: Being a drunk isn't something you cure! It's something you should celebrate! Be proud of! How many people tell stories that start with, I was so wasted.... Or then I did shots and the magic happened.... or I prayed to the porcelain gods.
Saint Peter: Hey! That's idol worship! We don't much cotton to that around here.
Alex Richards: Just a saying dude. Relax. See, you could use a beer.
Saint Peter: I don't drink. Well maybe a glass of wine on occasion.
Alex Richards: Point taken! If I were king, I would eliminate that little kid's book Everybody Poops and replace it with Everybody Drinks! Well it's been fun but there's probably a trap door somewhere I need to fall through.
Saint Peter: We don't have anything that crass. This is the 21st century after all. You take the Hellavator.
Voice Over: (Richards) Saint Peter points over towards a burning bush and there is a large red, elevator with flames coming from it. There is also a button beside it but only one pointing down.. Alex looks over and notices a sign on it. Out of Order.
Alex Richards: It's broken?
Saint Peter: It's always broken. People going to Hell have to take the stairs instead.
Alex Richards: Let me guess there are 666 step?
Saint Peter: Don't be ridiculous. There are 666,666 steps.
Alex Richards: That;s going to take forever.
Saint Peter: That's not the worst part, a few steps ahead of you is always Richard Simmons sweating to the oldies, shouting slogans.
Alex Richards: Well that royally blows.
Saint Peter: It is the stairway to Hell. What did you expect?
Alex Richards: First I died, now I take to take the steps, and see Richard Simmons? This is the worst day ever! No way I'm getting though those gates.
Saint Peter: I wouldn't have thought so either. But let's check the scroll.
Voice Over: (Richards) Saint Peter pulls out a piece of parchment paper, that's right, I know big words. He looks at it, then looks surprised.
Saint Peter: Normally someone with your... shall we say colorful background wouldn't make it in. But apparently due to dysfunctional circumstances beyond your control, coupled with the fact that God apparently gets a kick out of your zest for life, and he apparently enjoyed your dig at Moses.
Alex Richards: I knew staying up late watching the Twelve Commandments was going to pay off! Charlton Heston kicks ass!
Saint Peter: It is the TEN commandments! I can't believe God let you in! You of all people!
Alex Richards: He's probably tired of hanging out with uptight, stuffy people like you. He wants to have some fun people around here. Who's more fun and entertaining then the Archduke of Mass Confusion?
Voice Over: (Richards) Saint Peter mutters something under his breathe and unlocks the gates unleashing a blinding golden light. When the light clears Saint Peter and myself are standing on a mass of fluffy clouds surrounded by more fluffy clouds. And above that is a massive, massive sun.
Alex Richards: This is heaven?
Saint Peter: This is the default setting of Heaven. You see every citizen of Heaven has the ability to make their own slice of Heaven. All you have to do is imagine it and it will be so.
Alex Richards: You mean I can just make shit up? Sweet, I'm gonna run with it.
Saint Peter: Now before I go, due to the fact that people often have problems adjusting to Heaven you are allowed a guide. But you aren't allowed to bother people already in Heaven so you have to choose someone from the earth.
Alex Richards: Oh that's easy. I choose my brother Zach. He's going to shit himself when he realized I actually made it to Heaven. And don't let anyone know I said this, but I miss him already.
Saint Peter: No can do. It has to be someone who doesn't already know you are dead. That way it can be passed off as a dream, or a premonation. People who already know you are dead tend to freak out. That doesn't end well. Apparently driving people insane is not part of the Heavenly mantra.
Alex Richards: You've never seen a cult?
Saint Peter: I'm going to ignore that.
Alex Richards: Let me think about who I want for a second. And why is the sun so bright up here? It's Heaven why does it need a sun?
Saint Peter: Oh that. It's the power source up here. A Mister Nicola Tesla created that artificial sun as what he called his ultimate fuck you to Edison. I believe Thomas actually requested to go to Hell in order to get away from it. It's so large, and well built no imagination can block it out.
Alex Richards: Nicky built it? He's up here! Sweet! Where's he at?
Saint Peter: That's just it. No one knows, he was here and all of the sudden a few months ago, he disappeared.
Alex Richards: That was the...
Saint Peter: What?
Alex Richards: Nothing.
Voice Over: (Richards) I think for a second, if Nicky could get back to earth maybe I can as well. I start to plan, planning may not be my strong suit but this one has to work.
Alex Richards: Okay, I pick Steven Osbourne!
Voice Over: (SZR) Hey, I'm back doing narration! I should probably be flattered that Alex imagined my voice doing this narration. But since it is just an imaginary version of myself I would never actually know this. So.. yeah there's that. Anyways out of nowhere there a version of Steven Osbourne appears but it looks like the transparent, barely here ghost version of Steven Osbourne as the now see through Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer stands before Alex. I would never use Steven's nickname Alex. If you're going to use me don't put words into my mouth.
Saint Peter: No way. Not him. He's banned from Heaven.
Alex Richards: How did you get banned?
Steven Osbourne: It was a misunderstanding. A recent widow said she wanted a guide who was long and decent. At the time some hot blonde's boyfriend had just knocked me out so I was already unconscious. So I floated up here and showed her my big Stevie!
Saint Peter: That was not what she wanted and you damn well know it!
Steven Osbourne: Did you ask her?
Saint Peter: I didn't have to. She maced you!
Alex Richards: You got maced in Heaven? I'm jealous. That was on my bucket list.
Voice Over: (SZR) Okay since Alex is dead now I can let you in on the bucket list he actually only adds things when he thinks of them, then does them, or after he has done them. Alex clearly doesn't know what a bucket list really is. He also does know that he can't high five a ghost as he tries to high five Steven's spirit which misses obviously then Saint Peter zaps Osbourne back down to earth to bother living girls.
Alex Richards: Alright, so I can't have Zach and I can't have Steven. How about Seth Lerch. Taking him off the earth for a few hours and forcing him to watch me drink and him stay sober might be fun.
Saint Peter: Seth Lerch in Heaven? Even you can't be serious about that!
Alex Richards: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him like he thinks he's screwing with us. I mean he probably thinks he finally got the best of Jayson Price by putting him in the same side of the bracket as three former members of Pantheon. All he really did was allow Jayson to get revenge on Corey Black for defeating him in the two out of three falls match, Johnny Fly for taking off on Pantheon, and Steve Orbit for turning on us. At least we would have before I umm.. died and all. Unlike me, who gets drunk and comes up with something awesome Seth Lerch drinks and winds up as a hot dog dancer for Logan. Are you sure I can't bring him here?
Voice Over: (SZR) Saint Peter actually shudders.
Saint Peter: Positive you can't bring him here.
Alex Richards: Alright, let's go with the default guide.
Saint Peter: Are you sure there isn't anyone else you want? You were a member of that group, Pantheon weren't you? We could bring up one of their members.
Voice Over: (SZR) Alex grins having obviously figured something out.
Alex Richards: Who is the default guide exactly?
Voice Over: (SZR) Saint Peter signs and probably thinks of lying... then remembers as a saint that would probably not go over well.
Saint Peter: It's me.
Alex Richards: Well I could get one of my friends from Pantheon to guide me. But they are all busy preparing for the king of trios semi finals match this week. And Jay Omega and Chelsea Armstrong are recovering from recent attacks so they are out. I mean normally I would call upon Jayson or the Scarecrow but seeing as I'm decreased now they definitely aren't going to have the time to show me around Heaven. They are going to be too busy trying to advance to the finals while down a man.
Saint Peter: You mean they aren't just going to give up?
Alex Richards: You clearly know nothing about Pantheon. All of our opponents this week, two are former, one is the spiritual leader of Pantheon. All have been world champions. My scheduled partner Jayson Price former world champion. My partner The Scarecrow, future world champion. Johnny Reb, Bobby Cairo, Jeff Purse... all former Pantheon members, all former world champions. I was about to win the world title myself, after we won king of trios maybe even when I got the winning pin. But then you know. So there's no way Pantheon ever quits until they reach the absolute top. Besides Mod Deuce put up a fight against Pantheon Classic as the only wrestler on his team. If one Mod Deuce can give them a fight two members of Pantheon can certainly win! So you're just going to have to be my guide to Heaven because those are are going to be too busy preparing to beat Pantheon on their own!
Saint Peter: Fine, let's get this over with. If you look to the left you'll see..
Alex Richards: Wait, you say this is my section of Heaven right? And you can earlier I can create anything I want?
Saint Peter: Technically yes. But I think a few lessons on the history of Heaven and how things work around here would be very beneficial for you.
Alex Richards: You think, I drink and do stuff. Like this!
Voice Over: (SZR) Saint Peter probably would have suggested some activities Alex could do. And on that list would not be a stage with a pierced, tatted up, mohawked heavy metal band playing a version of Dimmu Borgir's Burn In Hell. I know the original was done by Twisted Sister but the cover is a much much better. Don't believe me, take a listen.
Voice Over: (SZR) See? Told you so. The song continues as Alex standing in front of the stage starting a one man mosh pit with a giant boot of Zim-Quila in hand. Saint Peter did not look amused.
Saint Peter: You know normally around here music is played by a choir of angels.
Alex Richards: You know what, that sounds like a great idea!
Saint Peter: I knew you would listen to reason. See Alex..
Voice Over: (SZR) I'm glad for a change it's not me being annoyed by Alex's antics as I definitely would have seen this coming. Which is of course a choir of angels singing Burn in Hell. Ever hear a heavy metal song played on harps? Well now you have!
Saint Peter: What are you doing? That is not the proper use for angels!
Alex Richards: And cupid is? I didn't those angels a favor, now people are going to think they are bad ass!
Saint Peter: They were already bad ass! You ever heard of an angel of death?
Alex Richards: You know for a saint you are surprisingly easy to upset. Fine, we'll do something else.
Saint Peter: Thank you. Wait... what are you changing it..
Voice Over: (SZR) Before Saint Peter can ask the important question the scene changes again this time there is still a choir of angels, Alex's drink has refilled, and they are now playing Invisible Touch by Genesis.
Saint Peter: Hmmm... didn't see that coming.
Alex Richards: I blame the Scarecrow he got this song in my head a month ago and it just won't leave!
Saint Peter: You know this is Heaven and you can do what you want. If you wanted the song out of your head you would only have to..
Alex Richards: But I like the song. I just want to complain about it so I have an excuse to prank him back.
Saint Peter: You're dead, there are no more pranks.
Alex Richards: Too bad. I have a good one. I was going to pretend to leave Mexico sort of do a send up on what Logan and Katherine did last week before they faced Pantheon Classic.
Saint Peter: That doesn't sound like it would have taken much time.
Alex Richards: Don't worry I'm sure I would have come up with other ideas to go along with it. For example I have a great idea right now. I've noticed your guiding techniques could use some improvement.
Saint Peter: That's because you're not listening to me!
Alex Richards: That can't be it. It's because you aren't properly attired.
Voice Over:(SZR) Alex thinks for a second and Saint Peter's white robes change to a red bellhop's outfit. His face changes to a similar color in anger.
Saint Peter: You're seriously messing with the guardian of the gate's wardrobe? You change it back if you know what's good for you!
Alex Richards: A wardrobe change made you as made as I would be be if someone changed my Zim-Quila for tequila flavored Snapple? What gives. And why hasn't even came up with Tequila flavored Snapple? That shit sounds awesome besides the lack of drunkenness.
Saint Peter: You want to give children something that tastes that alcohol? Yeah, that's a great idea on so many levels.
Alex Richards: Of course it is. I came up with it.
Saint Peter: You are such a moron!
Alex Richards: And for a saint you're such an asshole. What's your point?
Saint Peter: You'd be an asshole too if you spent millions of years guarding the gates of Heaven and then guiding around idiots!
Alex Richards: So why do you have this job and no one else has in millions of years then.
Saint Peter: Because I got into Heaven because I was considered a saint. I was a disciple of Jesus. But in reality, I wasn't actually a fisherman, I was a pimp damnit! You know how easy it was to run a ring of hoes back then.
Alex Richards: I knew there was a reason I didn't trust you!
Saint Peter: You didn't trust Saint Peter?
Alex Richards: Because you just had this shady feel about you. Like no matter how nice a guy you acted like in the end you were only out for yourself. Kind of like a certain pimp I was supposed to face in king of trios this week. Man by the name of Steve Orbit. For years people liked him, he had millions of fans, the respect of the most powerful group in wrestling Pantheon. But what did he never bring up? In the end he just lived off the misery of others. Other people laid on their backs and had sex in order to pay for his lavish lifestyle. I don't know about you but that doesn't sound like a hero to me! Of course a guy like that would turn on Pantheon, a guy like that is only one for one thing.. personal gain. So, he used the fans to get himself popular. To buy his action figured, hell probably even go visit his brothels. The fans cheered him on and made him more money. Just like you probably used the fact you used to be one of Jesus' disciples in order to gain more clients.
Saint Peter: How did you know..
Alex Richards: Because there has always been people like you. People like Orbit. The people who don't care about anything except making another dollar, getting a little more famous. You know my background Saint Peter, do you think a man who was raped as a child would have any respect for a pimp? I knew it was only a matter of time before the Oakland Mack would turn on the fans, would turn on Pantheon. Because when you have no morals, the easiest route is always the one you take! So he turned on Pantheon, and joined the Vapor Kings. Who really were a better fit for him anyways. Everyone knows the kings were always out for themselves. But at least they were honest about it. Orbit's a user pure and simple. He used Pantheon, until he lost the world title, and then latched on to the next thing to allow him to further his career. And it worked he won the hardcore championship and the tag team champions. Then he lost his titles and rather than try and help his group he left the WCF without warning. He even used the vapor kings then when it wasn't beneficial for him anymore he went away. Because of course he did. Steve Orbit is basically a leech, he leeches off of women who prostitute themselves for him, he leeched off on Pantheon and then the Vapor Kings. Now he's back in the WCF, teaming up Johnny Fly and Corey Black. You think the first change he gets he isn't going to turn on his teammates... again? That's why back when I was alive I was looking forward to fighting Steve Orbit so much. He lives off the hard work of others, he has no loyalty at all and uses the fact he's funny to try and cover up what a scumbag he really is. Steve, Johnny and Corey aren't a real team. They are three talented wrestlers individually but as far as a team goes. The team only lasts for as long as they are successful. Then it's going to end with Steve Orbit turning on his partners and blaming them for the loss. How many times has Corey, Johnny or Steve turned on one another anyways. Jayson Price may be an asshole. But he isn't the asshole most likely to betray his team in this match! Jayson wants to win this badly, I want to win this badly, the Crow wants to win this badly. We all want the world title shot. We all want to be the first trios champions. But do our opponents? When the tournament is we we are still all going to be here. Can Steve and Johnny stay the same?
Saint Peter: So you have an issue with Johnny Fly too?
Alex Richards: Of course I have a problem with Johnny! And I mean the guy is a legend. He has won so many matches the term Flyjobbers became popular. There are so many people who are considered Flyjobbers it's actually not even an insult anymore because there are so damn many Flyjobbers. My problem with Johnny is that he's in this tournament just for the hell of it. He made it clear he' doesn't consider himself to be with Pantheon anymore. And you know what? That's actually fine. He said that Pantheon isn't all about one man. And he's right. The thing is, what is his team all about. Why did he came back and invite Corey to join his team. Because this is Johnny Fly's vanity project! He wants to prove he's good enough to come back and instantly win king of trios. But here's the thing, Johnny Fly thinks he's bigger than Pantheon. He thinks he's bigger than the WCF perhaps. But here's the thing, Johnny Fly you can't just show up twice a year and think you're going to be as good as you ever were. You haven't wrestled since One before your ego convinced you entering the king of trios was a good idea. I don't really blame you actually. You're a legend, if you want to be in king of trios no one is gonna stop you. But if you think you can beat me, the most improved wrestler on the roster, the Scarecrow, the legend killer himself, and Mister Every Title Jayson Price who literally is driven to win every title in the WCF including the newly minted Trios Championship you have another thing coming. Johnny, we aren't going to hand this tournament to you. If you want to show up, unprepared, beating up someone who might or might not be your mother that's your business. But if you want to show up, say you're not Pantheon then beat us in the semifinals... yeah I don't think so. We've been putting in the work! You haven't!
Saint Peter: Why are you still talking about your wrestling match. You have to let go.
Alex Richards: Because if I can figure out a way to get back into this match. Get back to earth I want to be prepared. I don't want to be like our opponents, expecting victory because they always win. I want to earn it, not coast on my reputation.
Saint Peter: So you must be extra mad at the one member of Pantheon on the opposing team eh?
Alex Richards: I know Jayson is furious at him. As the internet champion I did spend a lot of time on twitter after all. But to be honest, I'm not mad at Corey. I look at this as an opportunity. Corey is still a member in good standing of Pantheon, hell he's the spiritual leader of Pantheon. So him teaming with two former members of Pantheon. That's not a betrayal to me. That's a chance to silence everyone who has ever said, this is the weakest line up of Pantheon ever. Because Corey Black, Steve Orbit, Johnny Fly. Those might be the three most famous members of Pantheon. I call them Pantheon Classic because they are. They are the classic Pantheon line up. I've heard people say we are the weakest group of Pantheon ever... and it fucking pisses me off! Makes me furious! Scarecrow, Jay Omega, Chelsea Armstrong, and myself are the future of this company! Future world champions every fucking one of us! Jayson Price, Corey Black... the hearts of Pantheon, men who know how to get things done! Corey Black didn't team with Orbit and Fly to win king of trios he teamed with them because he knows that if we can't beat them we are not yet worthy of the Pantheon name. I know we're worthy. I know the Crow, Jayson and I are going to be victorious, are going to beat the legends, are going to show that the legends of Pantheon opposing us are far from the only legends that stable boasts! At least we fucking would have before I fucking died! Hey, I've been drinking since I got here. Why am I still so angry?
Saint Peter: You can drink as much as you want in Heaven and you never get drunk.
Alex Richards: Seriously? And this is Heaven? You mean I won't get to help my team defeat the former members of Pantheon and Corey Black AND I don't get to get drunk? Does that mean I can't be hurt either?
Saint Peter: It does but..
Alex Richards: In that case, there is one thing left to do.
Saint Peter: Accept that you're in Heaven now and you'll never defeat Corey Black, Johnny Fly, and Steve Orbit. Then instead of worrying about that you should worry about the afterlife. You should worry about how you fit in in Heaven. You should..
Alex Richards: Stop talking like you're on a PBS special?
Saint Peter: Hey!
Alex Richards: You know what we really need to do?
Saint Peter: We need to do nothing. You, need to start listening and..
Alex Richards: We need the Strange Rover!
Voice Over: (SZR) And out of nowhere Alex's famous or infamous truck appears right on top of the stage.
Saint Peter: What are you going to do with that?
Alex Richards: First off, you can't get DUIs in Heaven right?
Saint Peter: Not technically but..
Alex Richards: Silver lining! Hop in Petey!
Saint Peter: As your guide I have to. But I really don't want to.
Voice Over: (SZR) Alex and Peter step into the vehicle. Alex with great excitement, Saint Peter very gingerly. The Strange Rover drives off the stage and starts to pick up speed, and continues to pick up speed.. and continues to pick up speed.
Saint Peter: What are you doing? You can't go this fast?
Alex Richards: What's going to happen? We die in a car crash? I think not! Besides I always wanted to do this... anyone can go off roading. And a lot of people have. Hell, I used to enjoy some roading. But why go off roading when you can go off planeting?
Saint Peter: This can't be a good idea...
Alex Richards: We have lift off!
Voice Over: (SZR)The Strange Rover lifts off the ground in spite of the fact the real Strange Rover can not and does not fly. But apparently the heavenly version does as it speeds off towards Telsa's artificial sun. Crashing through a series of clouds, destroying a giant tower, then crashing directly into the sun. Bouncing off with a vicious snap. The Strange Rover spins in a circle ending up entangled in a giant mass of wires before pummeling towards the earth... err heaven I guess dragging the sun with him causing it to crash directly into what the stage used to be but is now a massive flock of sheep. The flock of sheep of course is destroyed into a bloody pulp, Tesla's artificial sun shatters into a million pieces and Saint Peter staggers out of the Strange Rover a shell shocked look on his face.
Saint Peter: I can't believe it. You destroyed a landmark of Heaven AND killed a thousand sheep during your first day in Heaven? How did you... why did you.. what? They weren't even here.
Alex Richards: Dude, needed something to break our fall. Besides I gave up them. They weren't real sheep. I thought it was getting into it by coming up with something biblical to crash into. You know Strange Rover journeys are so much more epic in Heaven.
Voice Over: All of the sudden all the cloud surrounding Alex start to turn black.
Alex Richards: There's storms in Heaven?
Saint Peter: That means you have angered God and he demands to see you. This is not good. Sometimes you can go a thousand years in Heaven before even getting a personal meeting with the big guy. To have screwed up this badly.
Voice Over: (SZR) I guess this is the nature order of things. Alex doing something absolutely insane and ending up in front of the authorities. Just normally it's the police, or a judge, or occasionally the fire department. Up here, yeah getting summoned to see God, seems so much worse. On the plus side it did happen almost instantly, one second Alex was talking with Saint Peter, the next Saint Peter pressed his key against what looked like thin air and a golden door appeared. Alex stepped though and... suddenly was right next to a giant hot tub with the All-Mighty inside of it. God looked exactly like you would expect him too, except that instead of robes he appears to just be wearing swim trunks.
Alex Richards: Didn't expect that.
God: Now you know how everyone else feels. Join me?
Alex Richards: You don't seem near as mad as Petey thought you were.
God: Please. You have to do the storm clouds in order to get his attention and get him to do anything. Never liked that guy. He was my son's friend so he begged me to let him into Heaven. What can I say. Unlike Buddy Roman, I really am a good father. That's why he's the gate keeper. Keeps him away from me. Can't stand him.
Alex Richards: Guess that means you aren't mad because I gave him a hard time then. Umm... sorry for destroying the sun?
God: You're not sorry. You think it's funny.
Voice Over: (SZR) Alex looks sort of sheepish, then grins.
Alex Richards: Hey, how many people can say they destroyed the sun? Plus Nicky would be pissed off I destroyed his creation.
God: I thought it was funny too. Where do you think humor comes from. Besides I hated that thing anyways. Peter might have been confused but I knew exactly where Telsa went, back to earth. And I was fine with that. Some of his creations were a little off putting, brilliant, but off putting. So you destroying that abomination, doesn't upset me at all. However, you've been here for mere hours and look at all the chaos you caused... just by yourself. When you get introduced to others, this clearly isn't going to work. So what do you think I should do with you?
Alex Richards: I think you should send me back. God, you know this as well as anyone, I was never supposed to accomplish anything in life. I was supposed to be a bad seed. A product of my environment who's greatest possible accomplish was ending up on Cops, or if I aimed high America's Most Wanted. I was supposed to be nothing more than a thug, a low life, a loser. But I said no! I changed, I worked hard to become more! And I succeeded! Instead of spending my life in jail, or on the run, or in a gutter somewhere I worked hard to become a professional wrestler, I worked hard to earn myself a family in wrestling. I'm not done God! I have much much further to go! Let me stand with my family in Pantheon God! Let me help them win king of trios. Let me help them defeat Black, Fly, and Orbit. I came from nothing and through sheer force of will became something better. Send me back.
God: You know... you're right. You don't belong here. And I should send you away... send you to Hell.
Voice Over: (SZR) But God smiles as he says this.
God: Unfortunately I made the mistake of allowing lawyers into Heaven. And they drafted the Fairness in Heaven act. Which states that once a party is accepted into Heaven, they can no longer be cast out. Which means I have a problem. Fortunately being God and all I do have a solution. I will return you to Earth and hope the next time you enter Heaven you have calmed down... at least a little. Either that or you're old enough to not cause as much damage.
Alex Richards: Thanks God! Any advice for me?
God: Take up smoking. You're going to live 105 years anyways! I have a question though, how did you know that I was going to send you back if I caused so much chaos here?
Alex Richards: I didn't. But I had to try. See, I would rather be cast into Hell then turn my back on my partners, my brothers, my friends.
God: I know. That's why you're going back. Good luck.
Alex Richards: I risked going to Hell. I don't need luck this week in my match. We're destined to win.
God: I know that as well.
Alex Richards: Just for fun can I ask you one question before I leave?
God: I would say don't push it but I am kind of curious what you want to know.
Alex Richards: A few weeks ago Natural Ice Beckman made a crack about me dying of a heart attack. Then it happened what gives? Is he a prophet or something?
God: Or something. I am always listening and it seemed like a good idea. So I made it happen. And it was people are going to be talking about this day in Heaven for centuries!
Alex Richards: That sounds like a bit of a dick move.
God: How many dicks are there in the universe?
Alex Richards: Point taken. I just got away with calling God a dick.
Voice Over: (SZR) God chuckles then shakes his head.
God: You're lucky I thought that was funny or I'd smite you good. Bye bye now.
Voice Over: (Richards) The Scarecrow and Jayson Price look at each other in confusion. Alex however looks calm, puffing on a giant Cuban cigar.
Jayson Price: I don't often say this. But you really need to lay off the bath salts Alex.
Alex Richards: I'm telling you, it's all true.
Scarecrow: This Zim-Quila isn't bad. But you must be holding on us with the really good stuff then helped you think up that. Don't hold out on your teammates.
I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!
Voice Over: (Richards) Zach walks into the room, red puffy eyes, and looking more angry then I have ever seen him in my life.
SZR: You fucking vultures! I can't fucking believe it! How much did it cost them? To create a fucking body double of Alex? Is a wrestling match this fucking important they would recast my dead brother?
Alex Richards: It's me Zach.
SZR: You're not even a good copy! You're in a hotel room! You always sleep in the Strange Rover! You hate hotel rooms! You're smoking! You don't smoke!
Alex Richards: God told me to. I'm just following his advice.
SZR: I'm going to fucking kill Seth Lerch for this!
Jayson Price: I knew there was something about him I liked.
Voice Over: (Richards) I lean in and whisper into Zach's ear I told you I've only known you for a year and you weren't getting rid of me that easily. I always keep my promises Zach. Shaun Zach Richards looks at me in disbelief, in shock. Scarecrow and Jayson look at each other.
Jayson Price: You think he might be telling the truth?
Scarecrow: This is the WCF. Time travel, Telsa, Norse Gods.
Jayson Price: Holy fuck. I need a drink.
Scarecrow: Me too. You coming Alex?
Alex Richards: Nah, I have a story to tell to my brother. But remember gentlemen, I fucking cheated death. What are the three legendary wrestlers we're facing compared to that? Winning one match, especially with partners as good as you. Not even close!
Fade To Black