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Post by Killian Dawson on May 13, 2015 19:03:04 GMT -5
Would anyone be so kind as to give me some feedback? Thanks  |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2015 20:06:11 GMT -5
Pretty solid. Props for such a long shoot portion of the roleplay.
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Post by Howard Black on May 14, 2015 15:49:22 GMT -5
I wrote out this big critique then my internet fucked up. I'm going to type it up again when I have more time.
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Post by Howard Black on May 16, 2015 10:47:20 GMT -5
Okay, ready for this shit:
Right off the bat you start with promise.
"Early on a Friday night Killan Dawson and his trusted companion and right hand man, Blee, entered a tavern known as The Jolly Roger, which of course had stood out to the men for no other reason than its name. It reminded them of home, a place they could barely remember since they had arrived here in this place known as America. The only difference of course was that there were no gun shots, no knife fights and no dead bodies lying on the floor. Killian actually missed the violence, it made him feel alive, where he was now seemed almost lifeless in comparison, it simply was not the life for him.
If there's one thing grossly overlooked by a lot of great writers, it's psyche and perspective. Some guys like ICE Beckman don't need this; they can just rant or monologue in a captivating way. But not everyone is ICE Beckman, so to get me in your character's head off the bat is amazing. I could fucking kiss you for this.
Little problem: you never do this again. So to that, I say "why do you gotta play me like that?" Imagine getting oral in the first five minutes of a date, then relegated to holding hands; that's how I feel. This is a shame because this scene is ripe with chances to get us into Killian's head. In the above, you say how the bar doesn't feel like home, but you never tell me why it does remind them of home, other than the name. I don't get much sense of what Blee or Killian look like. Why does Killian react to the people the way he does? The problem with opening the scene with some psyche is you've got me thinking. Motherfucker, I WANT IN YOUR MIND. GIMME DEM THOUGHTS AND CHARACTERIZATION.
No comment on the pirate thing. Most bars have a "no swords" policy.
If there's one other thing I'm going to give you big props on, it's your dialogue. THIS is well written, well paced, realistic dialogue. It's not unnecessary monologues or huge paragraphs. I could kiss you for this, too. Keep it up.
Your grammar sucks. This isn't a big issue to some people, but I've taken too many college English courses and am incredibly anal retentive. Shouldn't affect how Seth judges you; will make me weep and drink nightly.
Overall, you've got "it", which is very important, but you don't totally get it (if that makes sense). You understand the piece work necessary to not just write promos but a story. I like stories better. Stories have more room to grow into something bigger. The problem is that this is very rough. Very, very rough. You have potential, Killian, you just need to work on it. Don't worry about getting your RP up as soon as possible; take a bit and really flush that bitch out. High ceiling on you, if you put in the work.
**1/2 out of 5.
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