Post by Lawnmower Jones on Jan 5, 2007 16:31:05 GMT -5
(The scene opens inside of a Wal-Mart in an unsolicited location. The Wal-Mart is desolate, but the aisles are a mess, making the aftermath of the Holiday Seasons look like Hurricane Katrina's climax. Loose basketballs roaming, clothes piled on the ground, bare papers stranded all fill the store. The camera pans and the audience sees a young white male, no older than 21, wearing his Wal-Mart uniform, crying. An older Asian woman has her arm wrapped around him, comforting him.)
Male: They were demonic!
Female: I know. I know. But we have an eleven month break now! We'll survive! Live strong!
(The male cries more and the camera cuts to the front of the store. The automatic doors open and Lawnmower Jones enters, with Lonnie. Jones has on his usual blue overalls with an undershirt. In the background, we hear music from an old western film, before the two cowboys do battle. Instead of a tumbleweed, a beat up Wal-Mart smiley face rolls across the screen, just for a moment. The famous circle, who has appeared in many commercials, has a black eye and a cut lip. The circle quickly leaves the scene and is never seen again.)
(Jones puts his hands on his hips and spits. He nods his head and looks around.)
LJ: Back to business.
(Jones rolls his neck, cracking it.)
LJ: Lonnie (points to off-camera) do your thing. We need oranges, beer, toilet paper that doesn't scratch, and Cocoa Pebbles. Make sure you don't get Cocoa Puffs. We ain't cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I'll be in the…toys section. Yea, toys. Let's get real freaking naughty!
(The scene fades out)
(The scene fades back in with Lawnmower Jones walking and whistling. He has his hands in his overall pockets.)
LJ: Gotta get some toys for the poor kids.
(Jones quickly makes a sharp left. An abundance of pink is down the aisle, and Jones quickly runs out.)
LJ: Don't want to get the cooties!
(Jones brushes himself off and walks to another aisle. This aisle is filled with action figures and Pokemon cards. Jones quickly browses through the action figures and sees an ad. "WCF Superstar Action Figures!")
LJ: (Jaw drops)
(Jones quickly runs to the toys. He grabs a handful of packages and looks through them.)
LJ: Creeping Death. (Throws down) Skyler Striker. (Throws down) Thunder. (Throws down). I wonder if they have any good guys?
(Jones scratches his head. Suddenly, we see him reach forward, mouth open and salivating, and grab one.)
LJ: Logan. (Shivers) Any kid would love to have a Logan toy!
(Jones looks down at the price tag.)
LJ: Aww. $9.95?
(Jones wiggles his nose and reaches his hand into his pocket. He pulls out a dollar bill, eight pennies, and a generic condom with the expiration date of April 6th, 2001. Jones frowns.)
LJ: Is there anything in here less than a dollar?
Voice off camera: Wendy's Value Menu!
LJ: The burgers suck!
(Jones turns his head. He sees a sign in red that says 'Clearance'. Jones poses a quizzical look, with his hand on his chin.)
LJ: What does "Clarence" mean?
(Jones walks over to the bin. Suddenly, his jaw drops. Jones lifts up the first toy he sees. It's a David Alastair action figure.)
LJ: This is durable so kids can throw it. It's plastic, so they won't choke when they break his arm off, and it's a bad wrestler so he can always lose to Logan! Now, Clarence, what's the catch?
(Jones looks at the box-it has a big red circle with "$.99" on it in white lettering. Jones smiles and nods.)
LJ: A poor toy for a poor kid. A match made in heaven.
(Jones begins walking away from the aisle when he runs into another aisle-the yard appliances. Jones stares at all the lawnmowers momentarily. He quickly bows his head and walks forward, not looking.)
LJ: You're married. You're married. You're married.
(Suddenly, Jones makes a sharp turn into the section. He hops into a lawnchair next a push lawnmower. Jones looks around and runs his hand through his hair.)
LJ: Oh, why hello. I didn't see you there. I see you have four ponies. That's hot.
(Jones leans over and checks out the back of the lawnmower. He smiles and nods.)
LJ: So uh, been here long? I just got here. Yea, me and my wife. Yea, I'm married. Everything was looking great until the miscarriage. I was going to be a dad. But now, I'm lost. I feel like I've wasted my entire life being married.
(Lonnie mysteriously comes into the picture, being rolled. Jones automatically jumps up, frightened.)
LJ: Hey Lucy, this is my wife, Lonnie. Yea, Lucy, this is my pride and joy. What do you mean, Lonnie? I didn't-
(The camera shows a close up of a Barbie doll for a moment as we hear a slap sound. Jones yelps and the scene goes back to him.)
LJ: What the hell was that for?
(The camera shows a close up of Jones' face.)
LJ: Lonnie, where are you going? Wait, you have the keys!
(The camera goes back to showing the full scene, minus Lonnie.)
LJ: Look what you did, you slut!
(Suddenly, a short, stout man wearing a plaid top hat and matching suit walks into the scene.)
Man: Kid, I know what your problem is: You're too soft.
LJ: Who are you?
Man: Marty Collins, therapist. I can make you into one tough SOB if you allow me to. All it takes is $400 a session, plus a down payment of $1000. If you don't take this opportunity, then you could end up being softer than a gay dick at a Playboy Bunny's lingerie party! What do you say?
LJ: I don't have that kind of money…
Man: Of course you don't, nobody does. It's why you make your job pay for it. Fill out a couple of forms-bada-bing, bada-boom, you've got yourself some personal awareness uplifting. I swear kid, in no time, you'll be a lean mean, fighting machine ready to grab any promotion.
LJ: I would like to be champion…
Man: Then it's settled. You'll get the forms, I'll get the money, you'll get the therapy, and I'll get the satisfaction of knowing I made you into a true man with testosterone steaming from your tiny testicles. Take my card. When you get the money, call me. In no time, you'll be able to stand up to your women over there and have you willing to suck and puff anytime, anyplace, and anywhere.
(The man hands Jones his card.)
LJ: Thanks mister…
Man: Collins. I told you already, I'm Marty Collins. What, do you have down syndrome or something? Now shoo, I got to talk to your lady friend over here.
(LJ walks off the screen as Collins starts running his hand through his hair. He is talking to Lucy, the lawnmower.)
MC: Hey there, little lady. How's about I give you a therapy session in sexual experimenting, free of charge? I'm the best therapist in town.
(Marty waits.)
MC: You have a boyfriend?
(Waits some more.)
MC: His name's Seth Lerch? Damn that cocksucker. He always beats me.
(The scene fades to black.)
Male: They were demonic!
Female: I know. I know. But we have an eleven month break now! We'll survive! Live strong!
(The male cries more and the camera cuts to the front of the store. The automatic doors open and Lawnmower Jones enters, with Lonnie. Jones has on his usual blue overalls with an undershirt. In the background, we hear music from an old western film, before the two cowboys do battle. Instead of a tumbleweed, a beat up Wal-Mart smiley face rolls across the screen, just for a moment. The famous circle, who has appeared in many commercials, has a black eye and a cut lip. The circle quickly leaves the scene and is never seen again.)
(Jones puts his hands on his hips and spits. He nods his head and looks around.)
LJ: Back to business.
(Jones rolls his neck, cracking it.)
LJ: Lonnie (points to off-camera) do your thing. We need oranges, beer, toilet paper that doesn't scratch, and Cocoa Pebbles. Make sure you don't get Cocoa Puffs. We ain't cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I'll be in the…toys section. Yea, toys. Let's get real freaking naughty!
(The scene fades out)
(The scene fades back in with Lawnmower Jones walking and whistling. He has his hands in his overall pockets.)
LJ: Gotta get some toys for the poor kids.
(Jones quickly makes a sharp left. An abundance of pink is down the aisle, and Jones quickly runs out.)
LJ: Don't want to get the cooties!
(Jones brushes himself off and walks to another aisle. This aisle is filled with action figures and Pokemon cards. Jones quickly browses through the action figures and sees an ad. "WCF Superstar Action Figures!")
LJ: (Jaw drops)
(Jones quickly runs to the toys. He grabs a handful of packages and looks through them.)
LJ: Creeping Death. (Throws down) Skyler Striker. (Throws down) Thunder. (Throws down). I wonder if they have any good guys?
(Jones scratches his head. Suddenly, we see him reach forward, mouth open and salivating, and grab one.)
LJ: Logan. (Shivers) Any kid would love to have a Logan toy!
(Jones looks down at the price tag.)
LJ: Aww. $9.95?
(Jones wiggles his nose and reaches his hand into his pocket. He pulls out a dollar bill, eight pennies, and a generic condom with the expiration date of April 6th, 2001. Jones frowns.)
LJ: Is there anything in here less than a dollar?
Voice off camera: Wendy's Value Menu!
LJ: The burgers suck!
(Jones turns his head. He sees a sign in red that says 'Clearance'. Jones poses a quizzical look, with his hand on his chin.)
LJ: What does "Clarence" mean?
(Jones walks over to the bin. Suddenly, his jaw drops. Jones lifts up the first toy he sees. It's a David Alastair action figure.)
LJ: This is durable so kids can throw it. It's plastic, so they won't choke when they break his arm off, and it's a bad wrestler so he can always lose to Logan! Now, Clarence, what's the catch?
(Jones looks at the box-it has a big red circle with "$.99" on it in white lettering. Jones smiles and nods.)
LJ: A poor toy for a poor kid. A match made in heaven.
(Jones begins walking away from the aisle when he runs into another aisle-the yard appliances. Jones stares at all the lawnmowers momentarily. He quickly bows his head and walks forward, not looking.)
LJ: You're married. You're married. You're married.
(Suddenly, Jones makes a sharp turn into the section. He hops into a lawnchair next a push lawnmower. Jones looks around and runs his hand through his hair.)
LJ: Oh, why hello. I didn't see you there. I see you have four ponies. That's hot.
(Jones leans over and checks out the back of the lawnmower. He smiles and nods.)
LJ: So uh, been here long? I just got here. Yea, me and my wife. Yea, I'm married. Everything was looking great until the miscarriage. I was going to be a dad. But now, I'm lost. I feel like I've wasted my entire life being married.
(Lonnie mysteriously comes into the picture, being rolled. Jones automatically jumps up, frightened.)
LJ: Hey Lucy, this is my wife, Lonnie. Yea, Lucy, this is my pride and joy. What do you mean, Lonnie? I didn't-
(The camera shows a close up of a Barbie doll for a moment as we hear a slap sound. Jones yelps and the scene goes back to him.)
LJ: What the hell was that for?
(The camera shows a close up of Jones' face.)
LJ: Lonnie, where are you going? Wait, you have the keys!
(The camera goes back to showing the full scene, minus Lonnie.)
LJ: Look what you did, you slut!
(Suddenly, a short, stout man wearing a plaid top hat and matching suit walks into the scene.)
Man: Kid, I know what your problem is: You're too soft.
LJ: Who are you?
Man: Marty Collins, therapist. I can make you into one tough SOB if you allow me to. All it takes is $400 a session, plus a down payment of $1000. If you don't take this opportunity, then you could end up being softer than a gay dick at a Playboy Bunny's lingerie party! What do you say?
LJ: I don't have that kind of money…
Man: Of course you don't, nobody does. It's why you make your job pay for it. Fill out a couple of forms-bada-bing, bada-boom, you've got yourself some personal awareness uplifting. I swear kid, in no time, you'll be a lean mean, fighting machine ready to grab any promotion.
LJ: I would like to be champion…
Man: Then it's settled. You'll get the forms, I'll get the money, you'll get the therapy, and I'll get the satisfaction of knowing I made you into a true man with testosterone steaming from your tiny testicles. Take my card. When you get the money, call me. In no time, you'll be able to stand up to your women over there and have you willing to suck and puff anytime, anyplace, and anywhere.
(The man hands Jones his card.)
LJ: Thanks mister…
Man: Collins. I told you already, I'm Marty Collins. What, do you have down syndrome or something? Now shoo, I got to talk to your lady friend over here.
(LJ walks off the screen as Collins starts running his hand through his hair. He is talking to Lucy, the lawnmower.)
MC: Hey there, little lady. How's about I give you a therapy session in sexual experimenting, free of charge? I'm the best therapist in town.
(Marty waits.)
MC: You have a boyfriend?
(Waits some more.)
MC: His name's Seth Lerch? Damn that cocksucker. He always beats me.
(The scene fades to black.)
