Post by Odin Balfore on Mar 13, 2015 1:12:36 GMT -5
Chapter I: Dat Ten-Penny Poontang Hustle
Pantheon, Iowa.
Population: 20?
Nestled along the banks of the Missouri river.
* Pantheon, Iowa as a quiet as quiet could be. It was as small town as small town could be. They had a highway once but then asphalt was invented. They had a whole bunch of McDonalds too but then the fire of 1847 happened and the entire family died. It was the largest town in the union but then The Union BECAME The Union. Geographically speaking, it was on the wrong side of the Mississippi as well as the wrong side of the war. All of Iowa is known for hogs, corn and oats. Iowa knows its dairy and yet all of Pantheon is lactose intolerant. Pantheon even had a street light back in the day, ol' Jasper Perri. Then ol' Jasper died. Theres a tombstone in the middle of Main street. Coincidentally it's the only street slash cemetery in the entire town. Corbin Black is the mayor. The mayor of mud. The mayor of a population smaller then a kindygarten class. Classic. Corbin walks around in a suit that he flew in from Walker. Cost him a cool 50 plus a bucket of black market KFC; which is neither KF or C but the good people of Pantheon don't know any better. They don't know any better.. until today.
Today the entire town was out in force. CUNT-struction was being done on the far side of town. Like 5 people were picketing, begging the preservation of the town and the scenery. Cow shit, motha fuckah. Thats what you guys got. This right here is a fucking blessing. PG National was heading up the dig backed by MAVERICK MAD Industries. Bulldozers and ground breaking equipment was being used as another crew started construction on the walls.
Robert Cairo's Presidential Poon and Biscuit Emporium
Robert Cairo hisself was there to see the ground being broken. That Presidential 100 billion karat gold tape blocked off the dig site. It was the biggest, flashiest thing that little town ever did see. Except for little Brian Peters, he had an elliptic seizure when a ray of sun shown through his kitchen window and fractured in his glass of water. He is the towns biggest living legend.
Robert Cairo stands atop a platform dressed in a fine camel hair suit and flanked by his Lieutenant, The All Father. *
The Godfather: People of Pantheon. You done goofed. You done goofed bad and ya done goofed for a long, long time. I see things, my children. I see things even when you think I don't see them. I see the black market KFC and it makes me shed a tear. That is, if I had a tear to shed. I don't. What I see is a power play and a mad dash to preserve what you done already lost. The glorious Communism of PoonGuinea is upon you and agape you stand with awe on your baited breaths. The Godfather has replaced your barren fields, poon-less in its endevours and I have given it life. Life and biscuits. In a little over 48 hours from now Robert Hercules Cairo's Presidential Poon and Biscuit Emporium will open. It will bring jobs to this jobless jobber town and hope to this hopeless gaggle of gaggers, choking upon my mighty thick. It will bring wages to the wageless and big tittted bitches to the big tittied bitches-less. We are not a equal opportunity employer. This is communism, plain and simple. I know there that are some of you trying to protect what you have but ya'll got nuttin and The Godfather, he sees that. And so he comes to give you what you can not give yourselves. A crust of bread and a taste of the finest poon the world has ever seen.
* Under the podi-yum, The RiRi mouth poon gives a candid one on one interview wit the cock and ball comitte of the Goon Guinea Presidential cabinet.
The God Father Continues. *
The God Father: I see your mayor, misering away in his castle. Hiding his eyes from the truth. Gawking at that anti-poon mystery meat. Indeed, I see your mayor and I raise you a KING! In a few days time, My house of Poon and biscuits will be open to the public and then and only then will it be home to you fine people. Every penny he taxs from you, I will return in poon. Get your Poontang back, America. Get THICK or get GOT.
* The good people of Pantheon clap as the scene dissolves on the triumphant speak of the president of PoonGuinea.*
_______________________________
Chapter II: Little Eddy Snowden, You Curious Motha Fucka
Little Eddy Snowdown, no more than 8. No more than 8 and full up and fed up with rage and hate. Who are these two Jew's that break ground in his backyard. His daddy was a pig farmer. And his daddy before that and way way way before there even were pigs.
“ Whats this poon?” He cursed. “ Don't even know what a poon is. Bet you cant soak it up with a biscuit.”
Little Eddy Snowden crept along the construction site in the cover of night and ducked under the golden ribbon that stood guard. He slid down a hill and picked up a shovel; that Paul Levesque joint and started smashing equipment with his little Iowan clobbering paws. Frustrated he cursed and yelled and grunted. He become digging down, throwing wet dirt on mixers and the walls and anything he could throw dirt onto. As he digged and dugged and flung his rage into scattered little piles he heard a faint sound.
Eddy started to dig small holes trying to find the sound the grew loud and LOUDER. Until finally it stopped. Eddy drops to his knees and uses his paws to dig. He got that dirt under his nails and on his on his hands. The mud turns to blood as he finds the possible source of this sound. A beat up cassette tape thats seen better days. The boys heart races and compels his legs as he runs home with tape in hand.
______________________________________
Chapter II: Dat Owl, it taste good doe.
Back at the Governors Mansion in PoonGuinea, Kaz, Cairo and John Stamos sit at the long strech dining table in the dining quarters of the mansion. Odin Balfore comes out with two large plates of roast chicken. He sets them on the table in front of the PoonGuinea nationals and returns back to the kitchen.
John Stamos: I know you can cook, Balfore but I'm getting real tired of chicken.
The All Father ( from the kitchen): Shut up Harry Potter and eat your owl.
* Some Harry Potter accessories magically appear on John Stamos.*
John “Harry Potter” Stamos ( in shock): Owl? You been feeding us owl? Good Godfather, it's been like three weeks.
The All Father ( still from the kitchen): Theres been an influx in owl population as of late.
John Stamos: Odin, there are no owls in Poonguinea.
The All Father: What are you? John Travolta, owl-tologist?
* John Travolta turns into John Travolta, circa his sweat hog days.*
John “ Vinny Barbarino” Stamos: I wana know where you got all these owls from?
The All Father: Dunno. They just show up from time to time. Didn't know what to do with them, so I just roast them, serve them with sweet potato and asparagus. Aint none of you said shit for three weeks. Find out you been eatin' owl and now that a problem? Jam Willy sends me gifts of delicious owls and you spit in his face?
John Stamos: I am the director of security. I should know when PG is being invaded by an influx of owls.
The All Father: O' you need to know? You need to know when PG is being invaded? Where were you when Scarecrow tried that shit. Where were you when PG was burning?
John Stamos: I was here. Where were you?
The All Father: Learning how to cook owl.
John Stamos: I would have noticed if flocks of owls were roaming the countryside. Where do you keep them?
The All Father: You should know, potter. In the crawl space under the stairs.
* Harry Potter shit. *
John “ Harry Potter” Stamos: Stop that!
* Stamos rips off his hufflepuff scarf and stomps out of the room and looks into the stairwell crawl space to find it overflowing with dead and semi-dead owls. Each of them have notes attatched to their feet. *
John Stamos: Balfore, have you read these notes?
The All Father ( yelling from the kitchen): I know how to roast an owl, damn it!
* John stamos rips one of the notes off and starts to read it. *
John Stamos: Odin, you have match at thirteen.
The All Father: Something, something, Corey Black. Something, something Burning Hammer?
John Stamos: Chamber of Horrors match. Panhteon- wow. Scarecrows in Pantheon? Scarecrow, Purse and CD verse you, Occulo and Seth Lerch?
* Odin Magically teleports from the kitchen to to the crawl space; standing in back of John Stamos. *
The All Father: Let me see that.
( Odin pucks the note from Stamos and looks it over. *
The All Father: Which one is Occulo?
* A massive thought bubble pops up above Odins noggin *
The All Father: o yah, that guy. But seems here he was replaced with Joey Flash.
* Odin shrugs.*
The All Father: I can swing that. But seth?
* Cut to Seth Lerch being kicked by girl scouts as he's curled up in the fetal position, sobbing.
[ Seth: But I only have three fifty.
GS1: Pay up, dead beat.
* They kick and stomp Seth for not paying up. *
Seth: But I can get it at the store for cheaper.
* /R Kai-rooo.exe OUTTAA NO WHERE! Bobby Fuking Cairo outta no where with that championship on his thick and a girl scout sash around his Ubekki Jew chest. He grabs a box of cookies and taunts Seth. *
Bobby Cairo: You gone pay up bitch! ]
* Cut back to Odin and John Stamos. Back in the dining room, Bobby Cairo blinks back into the existence with a girl scout sash on his chest and a box of peanut butter patties on the table. He pats himself down and checks for his thick, wallet and WCF World Championship. *
Bobby Cairo: Dafuq?
* Kaz reaches for the box of patties as Odin continues. *
The All Father: On second thought, I should go get him.
___________________________________
Chapter III: A Hand Up
* Odin magically appears WCF HQ in Reading, PA. He stands in front of Seths desk with his arms crossed as he looks down at the sound of whimpering coming from the desk. *
The All Father: Seth, get the fuck up.
Seth ( from under the desk.): Are they gone?
The All Father: Yah, I took care of them.
* Cut to Odins thought bubble. *
[ * Odin stands outside of a small fenced in yard. Its beautiful outside. The grass is green, spring has sprung. So have other things. The same girl scouts that put the boots to Seth are playing ' pretty princess party.” Except for Odin, he wasnt invited. Fuck them snobby 5th grade bitches. One of the girls looks over, the ominous presence of the All Father Beckons her subconscious to look.
Nothing.
Now Odins sitting in the tree as the girls have a tea party. They play, the frolic, they dat imaginary Yoohoo. The same little girl looks up at the tree.
Nothing.
Now Odin is standin in back of the clothesline, partially hidden by bedding and linen. The little girl looks up and sees Odin standing there and runs frantically in the house screaming
“ Mommy, mommy! Herman Cain is back!” ]
* Cut back to Odin with Seth Lerch. *
The All Father: It was a good time.
* Odin nods and continues. *
The All Father: We got that Chamber of Horror match coming. You ready to get things poppin?
Seth: I hate them all. I'm sick of this and at Thirteen, I'm going to make sure this ends.
The All Father: Well I know that Flash will handle his end. You Seth, you gotta come up on that Tip and knock these cats around. Aint no one respecting you. That whole ordeal with Scarecrow- You get to smash his head in. I'll leave a bit of that cortex for you. This is where Seth Lerch makes his mark at Thirteen and makes a sick joke out of Pantheon. They got that Pack fevah like its the cure to that Seth Lerch poison. They be sweatin it out like whores in church, tryin to rub that anti-poon somethin fierce. They ain't got shit. Scarecrow thinks he's a bad ass now. Purse probably won't show up. That boy will clean his house for days just to get out of a match. Then theres CD. Seth, it ain't Thirteen without an Odin, CD match for the year.
I just wanted to come make sure things were on the level. Go get some Whiskey or somethin'. I rather have drunken, angery Seth Lerch over that timid TV Seth Lerch. At least then, you won't give a fuck if you live or die. This is the first match in eight years, don't go pussing out on me. I already owe Occulo a beating for that unthick shit.
Seth ( with a quivering voice.): I'm going to the bar right now.
The All Father: Good. I'll see you Friday.
______________________________
Chapter IV: The Return of Herman Cain.
O shit. On that joint again. XIII done tick tocked its away around the clock and Scarecrows here for some reason, too. Damn son, the balls that drop when you got two former world champions on yo side. Yo Pank-Theon, side. Son, is that even a side? You cant even sop that up with a biscuit, you can only peal it off the mat, off the road and toss it into a dumpster and set that shit to ' hell fire inferno.' Thats who really needs addressing. Thats who needs the lesson. The smarts. The shit kicking bricks, knocked right outaa his jobah wobbah skull. That Kaz Mazy bottom bitch poon, all grown up and spreadin that asshole, LIVE an in KOLAH. If you think you be hiding behind that Purse CD strong arm, you mistaken. There aint enough pink eraser marks in the universe to correct that blunder. That CD slash Odin Balfore shot for shot and kill for kill is a legendary thing. Hottest thing going in the past four years. Where are you in all that? Holdin onto that Peoples strap thinking that suddenly you got what it takes be champ-YUN? Champion of what, exactly? Them peoples? Them peoples aint coming to your rescue in this Chamber of Horrors. Aint no one saving you. You think CD who chiseled away at the bottom of the grease pot to get you is concerned for your well being? Nag son. This isnt a hurt them and we be fine situation. This is a lose and arm, a leg, the rest of ya life.
You forget, Odin Balfore be a wizard. Odin Balfore be sittin up on MT. THICK, lightin up and murkin everybody. Where you think he been? Sitin at home? Cookin up some owl stew? He's been killin fools without needing to kill fools. This is one of those unfortunate situations. I wanted to come at you at Explosion. Kill you one on one. Show you the transgression of your ways. Show you were you done goofed. But you went and fucked it up even more.
Look at the company that you keep. Part timers, no timers. Guys that aint even gonna clock in evah because they done missed the bus and now they sittin home drinkin takka and eating frozen PB&J. You ain't no Johnny Fly. You ain't Bobby C. You aint that GawdFather of ProWrasslin. You ain't even that WAHTASM.
You, Scarecrow. The Murder Machine.. ain't nothin but a trinket toy in need of double A's and swift kick down the steps on Christmas Day. And you want to question whether or not The All Father still got it?
Ask yourself that right now. YUP! He do. Be coming at chu with that Thick shit and tearing up that ass poon like it aint nobodies business. You came up in here and tried to make that shit a thing. Tryin to Rgnarok fools out the sky and down to earth like that shit was your callin in life. All its getting you is a one way trip to a coma and Morphine drip. Maybe I can get ICE to draw you up some Comics, scribble some nice shit for you too. I'm coming at you with Ragnarok .The REAL REAL Ragnarok. Not that broke ass welfare shit you bought off QVC or clipped out of Prowrestling Weekly with my face on the cover. That 19.99 might get you a packet in the mail but it dont put talent in your soul. Just my boot in your ass. I'm coming at you with fifteen years of killin guys just like you. Flash is going to put you in a bodybag and I'm going to put you in the ground permanently.
As for your bois. CD and Purse, two guys that aint even on the show on the reg. Gona try and let this carry them through for another year. A-Nother 365 of white knuckled glories. Both of them know that Theres a pissed off giant somewhere in the mind of that All Father. The mother fucking Nordic Tank of old thats going to run right through you lame fucks. Purse told you, right? When he started, I was killin guys left and right like I was swatting gnats. Little. Insignificant. Gnats. Or CD? Thats how all this got started? I shamed that man worse than anyone ever has and he's been trying to come after me for years. This little XIII bit. This little event of his to try and get revenge on me like dumping a bucket of water on my head at summer camp in all those movies that you see on TV.
This ain't kid shit no more, CD. This ain't back then. This ain't that ' Odin Balfore aint hungry' deal. The All Father is hungry and I'm ready to hit you with Ragnarok and pin you in the middle of the ring. This is that hunt that everyone been waiting for. This is your opportunity but it done came and went while you were at home with your frozen PB&J.
In a few hours, five lives are going to change. I'm going to make you regret your decision to reform Pantheon when I single handedly destroy it. With one mighty swipe of my clobbering paw and put whack ass mother fuckers like Purse and Scarecrow to sleep with Surtrs Revenge. And you'll be standing there, CD.. going ' what the fuck just happened?' Yah son, what did just happen? You went and fucked up. You thought bringing Purse and Scarecrow to a Balfore fight wouldnt end in anything other then me smashing their skuls together and drinking fine PoonGuinea wine outta them.
That All Father, THICK just happened. Its the return of that Herman Cain joint. Its a return of the myth that ruined this company. And its the end of pretenders like PACK-THEON.
Its the return of Odin Balfore killin' nigs. Simply because he can. And you three, aint got shit to do about it accept kiss your families goodbye. My shadow consumes all and its its wake.. Ragnarok awaits.
Because my will.. is law.
So I have spoken.. So it shall come to pass...
__________________________
Chapter V: Push Play
* Little Eddy Snowden is up in his room. The lights are off and hes under the covers with a tape deck that he swiped from the garage. He flicks on a tiny flash light and marvels at the beat up cassette tape. “ XIII Thailand” is etched into the tape but its busted and beaten. Its seen better days. Eddy Snowden bites his lip and crosses his fingers. He puts the tape into the deck closes it and pushes
Play.
~~FINN
Pantheon, Iowa.
Population: 20?
Nestled along the banks of the Missouri river.
* Pantheon, Iowa as a quiet as quiet could be. It was as small town as small town could be. They had a highway once but then asphalt was invented. They had a whole bunch of McDonalds too but then the fire of 1847 happened and the entire family died. It was the largest town in the union but then The Union BECAME The Union. Geographically speaking, it was on the wrong side of the Mississippi as well as the wrong side of the war. All of Iowa is known for hogs, corn and oats. Iowa knows its dairy and yet all of Pantheon is lactose intolerant. Pantheon even had a street light back in the day, ol' Jasper Perri. Then ol' Jasper died. Theres a tombstone in the middle of Main street. Coincidentally it's the only street slash cemetery in the entire town. Corbin Black is the mayor. The mayor of mud. The mayor of a population smaller then a kindygarten class. Classic. Corbin walks around in a suit that he flew in from Walker. Cost him a cool 50 plus a bucket of black market KFC; which is neither KF or C but the good people of Pantheon don't know any better. They don't know any better.. until today.
Today the entire town was out in force. CUNT-struction was being done on the far side of town. Like 5 people were picketing, begging the preservation of the town and the scenery. Cow shit, motha fuckah. Thats what you guys got. This right here is a fucking blessing. PG National was heading up the dig backed by MAVERICK MAD Industries. Bulldozers and ground breaking equipment was being used as another crew started construction on the walls.
Robert Cairo's Presidential Poon and Biscuit Emporium
Robert Cairo hisself was there to see the ground being broken. That Presidential 100 billion karat gold tape blocked off the dig site. It was the biggest, flashiest thing that little town ever did see. Except for little Brian Peters, he had an elliptic seizure when a ray of sun shown through his kitchen window and fractured in his glass of water. He is the towns biggest living legend.
Robert Cairo stands atop a platform dressed in a fine camel hair suit and flanked by his Lieutenant, The All Father. *
The Godfather: People of Pantheon. You done goofed. You done goofed bad and ya done goofed for a long, long time. I see things, my children. I see things even when you think I don't see them. I see the black market KFC and it makes me shed a tear. That is, if I had a tear to shed. I don't. What I see is a power play and a mad dash to preserve what you done already lost. The glorious Communism of PoonGuinea is upon you and agape you stand with awe on your baited breaths. The Godfather has replaced your barren fields, poon-less in its endevours and I have given it life. Life and biscuits. In a little over 48 hours from now Robert Hercules Cairo's Presidential Poon and Biscuit Emporium will open. It will bring jobs to this jobless jobber town and hope to this hopeless gaggle of gaggers, choking upon my mighty thick. It will bring wages to the wageless and big tittted bitches to the big tittied bitches-less. We are not a equal opportunity employer. This is communism, plain and simple. I know there that are some of you trying to protect what you have but ya'll got nuttin and The Godfather, he sees that. And so he comes to give you what you can not give yourselves. A crust of bread and a taste of the finest poon the world has ever seen.
* Under the podi-yum, The RiRi mouth poon gives a candid one on one interview wit the cock and ball comitte of the Goon Guinea Presidential cabinet.
The God Father Continues. *
The God Father: I see your mayor, misering away in his castle. Hiding his eyes from the truth. Gawking at that anti-poon mystery meat. Indeed, I see your mayor and I raise you a KING! In a few days time, My house of Poon and biscuits will be open to the public and then and only then will it be home to you fine people. Every penny he taxs from you, I will return in poon. Get your Poontang back, America. Get THICK or get GOT.
* The good people of Pantheon clap as the scene dissolves on the triumphant speak of the president of PoonGuinea.*
_______________________________
Chapter II: Little Eddy Snowden, You Curious Motha Fucka
Little Eddy Snowdown, no more than 8. No more than 8 and full up and fed up with rage and hate. Who are these two Jew's that break ground in his backyard. His daddy was a pig farmer. And his daddy before that and way way way before there even were pigs.
“ Whats this poon?” He cursed. “ Don't even know what a poon is. Bet you cant soak it up with a biscuit.”
Little Eddy Snowden crept along the construction site in the cover of night and ducked under the golden ribbon that stood guard. He slid down a hill and picked up a shovel; that Paul Levesque joint and started smashing equipment with his little Iowan clobbering paws. Frustrated he cursed and yelled and grunted. He become digging down, throwing wet dirt on mixers and the walls and anything he could throw dirt onto. As he digged and dugged and flung his rage into scattered little piles he heard a faint sound.
Eddy started to dig small holes trying to find the sound the grew loud and LOUDER. Until finally it stopped. Eddy drops to his knees and uses his paws to dig. He got that dirt under his nails and on his on his hands. The mud turns to blood as he finds the possible source of this sound. A beat up cassette tape thats seen better days. The boys heart races and compels his legs as he runs home with tape in hand.
______________________________________
Chapter II: Dat Owl, it taste good doe.
Back at the Governors Mansion in PoonGuinea, Kaz, Cairo and John Stamos sit at the long strech dining table in the dining quarters of the mansion. Odin Balfore comes out with two large plates of roast chicken. He sets them on the table in front of the PoonGuinea nationals and returns back to the kitchen.
John Stamos: I know you can cook, Balfore but I'm getting real tired of chicken.
The All Father ( from the kitchen): Shut up Harry Potter and eat your owl.
* Some Harry Potter accessories magically appear on John Stamos.*
John “Harry Potter” Stamos ( in shock): Owl? You been feeding us owl? Good Godfather, it's been like three weeks.
The All Father ( still from the kitchen): Theres been an influx in owl population as of late.
John Stamos: Odin, there are no owls in Poonguinea.
The All Father: What are you? John Travolta, owl-tologist?
* John Travolta turns into John Travolta, circa his sweat hog days.*
John “ Vinny Barbarino” Stamos: I wana know where you got all these owls from?
The All Father: Dunno. They just show up from time to time. Didn't know what to do with them, so I just roast them, serve them with sweet potato and asparagus. Aint none of you said shit for three weeks. Find out you been eatin' owl and now that a problem? Jam Willy sends me gifts of delicious owls and you spit in his face?
John Stamos: I am the director of security. I should know when PG is being invaded by an influx of owls.
The All Father: O' you need to know? You need to know when PG is being invaded? Where were you when Scarecrow tried that shit. Where were you when PG was burning?
John Stamos: I was here. Where were you?
The All Father: Learning how to cook owl.
John Stamos: I would have noticed if flocks of owls were roaming the countryside. Where do you keep them?
The All Father: You should know, potter. In the crawl space under the stairs.
* Harry Potter shit. *
John “ Harry Potter” Stamos: Stop that!
* Stamos rips off his hufflepuff scarf and stomps out of the room and looks into the stairwell crawl space to find it overflowing with dead and semi-dead owls. Each of them have notes attatched to their feet. *
John Stamos: Balfore, have you read these notes?
The All Father ( yelling from the kitchen): I know how to roast an owl, damn it!
* John stamos rips one of the notes off and starts to read it. *
John Stamos: Odin, you have match at thirteen.
The All Father: Something, something, Corey Black. Something, something Burning Hammer?
John Stamos: Chamber of Horrors match. Panhteon- wow. Scarecrows in Pantheon? Scarecrow, Purse and CD verse you, Occulo and Seth Lerch?
* Odin Magically teleports from the kitchen to to the crawl space; standing in back of John Stamos. *
The All Father: Let me see that.
( Odin pucks the note from Stamos and looks it over. *
The All Father: Which one is Occulo?
* A massive thought bubble pops up above Odins noggin *
The All Father: o yah, that guy. But seems here he was replaced with Joey Flash.
* Odin shrugs.*
The All Father: I can swing that. But seth?
* Cut to Seth Lerch being kicked by girl scouts as he's curled up in the fetal position, sobbing.
[ Seth: But I only have three fifty.
GS1: Pay up, dead beat.
* They kick and stomp Seth for not paying up. *
Seth: But I can get it at the store for cheaper.
* /R Kai-rooo.exe OUTTAA NO WHERE! Bobby Fuking Cairo outta no where with that championship on his thick and a girl scout sash around his Ubekki Jew chest. He grabs a box of cookies and taunts Seth. *
Bobby Cairo: You gone pay up bitch! ]
* Cut back to Odin and John Stamos. Back in the dining room, Bobby Cairo blinks back into the existence with a girl scout sash on his chest and a box of peanut butter patties on the table. He pats himself down and checks for his thick, wallet and WCF World Championship. *
Bobby Cairo: Dafuq?
* Kaz reaches for the box of patties as Odin continues. *
The All Father: On second thought, I should go get him.
___________________________________
Chapter III: A Hand Up
* Odin magically appears WCF HQ in Reading, PA. He stands in front of Seths desk with his arms crossed as he looks down at the sound of whimpering coming from the desk. *
The All Father: Seth, get the fuck up.
Seth ( from under the desk.): Are they gone?
The All Father: Yah, I took care of them.
* Cut to Odins thought bubble. *
[ * Odin stands outside of a small fenced in yard. Its beautiful outside. The grass is green, spring has sprung. So have other things. The same girl scouts that put the boots to Seth are playing ' pretty princess party.” Except for Odin, he wasnt invited. Fuck them snobby 5th grade bitches. One of the girls looks over, the ominous presence of the All Father Beckons her subconscious to look.
Nothing.
Now Odins sitting in the tree as the girls have a tea party. They play, the frolic, they dat imaginary Yoohoo. The same little girl looks up at the tree.
Nothing.
Now Odin is standin in back of the clothesline, partially hidden by bedding and linen. The little girl looks up and sees Odin standing there and runs frantically in the house screaming
“ Mommy, mommy! Herman Cain is back!” ]
* Cut back to Odin with Seth Lerch. *
The All Father: It was a good time.
* Odin nods and continues. *
The All Father: We got that Chamber of Horror match coming. You ready to get things poppin?
Seth: I hate them all. I'm sick of this and at Thirteen, I'm going to make sure this ends.
The All Father: Well I know that Flash will handle his end. You Seth, you gotta come up on that Tip and knock these cats around. Aint no one respecting you. That whole ordeal with Scarecrow- You get to smash his head in. I'll leave a bit of that cortex for you. This is where Seth Lerch makes his mark at Thirteen and makes a sick joke out of Pantheon. They got that Pack fevah like its the cure to that Seth Lerch poison. They be sweatin it out like whores in church, tryin to rub that anti-poon somethin fierce. They ain't got shit. Scarecrow thinks he's a bad ass now. Purse probably won't show up. That boy will clean his house for days just to get out of a match. Then theres CD. Seth, it ain't Thirteen without an Odin, CD match for the year.
I just wanted to come make sure things were on the level. Go get some Whiskey or somethin'. I rather have drunken, angery Seth Lerch over that timid TV Seth Lerch. At least then, you won't give a fuck if you live or die. This is the first match in eight years, don't go pussing out on me. I already owe Occulo a beating for that unthick shit.
Seth ( with a quivering voice.): I'm going to the bar right now.
The All Father: Good. I'll see you Friday.
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Chapter IV: The Return of Herman Cain.
O shit. On that joint again. XIII done tick tocked its away around the clock and Scarecrows here for some reason, too. Damn son, the balls that drop when you got two former world champions on yo side. Yo Pank-Theon, side. Son, is that even a side? You cant even sop that up with a biscuit, you can only peal it off the mat, off the road and toss it into a dumpster and set that shit to ' hell fire inferno.' Thats who really needs addressing. Thats who needs the lesson. The smarts. The shit kicking bricks, knocked right outaa his jobah wobbah skull. That Kaz Mazy bottom bitch poon, all grown up and spreadin that asshole, LIVE an in KOLAH. If you think you be hiding behind that Purse CD strong arm, you mistaken. There aint enough pink eraser marks in the universe to correct that blunder. That CD slash Odin Balfore shot for shot and kill for kill is a legendary thing. Hottest thing going in the past four years. Where are you in all that? Holdin onto that Peoples strap thinking that suddenly you got what it takes be champ-YUN? Champion of what, exactly? Them peoples? Them peoples aint coming to your rescue in this Chamber of Horrors. Aint no one saving you. You think CD who chiseled away at the bottom of the grease pot to get you is concerned for your well being? Nag son. This isnt a hurt them and we be fine situation. This is a lose and arm, a leg, the rest of ya life.
You forget, Odin Balfore be a wizard. Odin Balfore be sittin up on MT. THICK, lightin up and murkin everybody. Where you think he been? Sitin at home? Cookin up some owl stew? He's been killin fools without needing to kill fools. This is one of those unfortunate situations. I wanted to come at you at Explosion. Kill you one on one. Show you the transgression of your ways. Show you were you done goofed. But you went and fucked it up even more.
Look at the company that you keep. Part timers, no timers. Guys that aint even gonna clock in evah because they done missed the bus and now they sittin home drinkin takka and eating frozen PB&J. You ain't no Johnny Fly. You ain't Bobby C. You aint that GawdFather of ProWrasslin. You ain't even that WAHTASM.
You, Scarecrow. The Murder Machine.. ain't nothin but a trinket toy in need of double A's and swift kick down the steps on Christmas Day. And you want to question whether or not The All Father still got it?
Ask yourself that right now. YUP! He do. Be coming at chu with that Thick shit and tearing up that ass poon like it aint nobodies business. You came up in here and tried to make that shit a thing. Tryin to Rgnarok fools out the sky and down to earth like that shit was your callin in life. All its getting you is a one way trip to a coma and Morphine drip. Maybe I can get ICE to draw you up some Comics, scribble some nice shit for you too. I'm coming at you with Ragnarok .The REAL REAL Ragnarok. Not that broke ass welfare shit you bought off QVC or clipped out of Prowrestling Weekly with my face on the cover. That 19.99 might get you a packet in the mail but it dont put talent in your soul. Just my boot in your ass. I'm coming at you with fifteen years of killin guys just like you. Flash is going to put you in a bodybag and I'm going to put you in the ground permanently.
As for your bois. CD and Purse, two guys that aint even on the show on the reg. Gona try and let this carry them through for another year. A-Nother 365 of white knuckled glories. Both of them know that Theres a pissed off giant somewhere in the mind of that All Father. The mother fucking Nordic Tank of old thats going to run right through you lame fucks. Purse told you, right? When he started, I was killin guys left and right like I was swatting gnats. Little. Insignificant. Gnats. Or CD? Thats how all this got started? I shamed that man worse than anyone ever has and he's been trying to come after me for years. This little XIII bit. This little event of his to try and get revenge on me like dumping a bucket of water on my head at summer camp in all those movies that you see on TV.
This ain't kid shit no more, CD. This ain't back then. This ain't that ' Odin Balfore aint hungry' deal. The All Father is hungry and I'm ready to hit you with Ragnarok and pin you in the middle of the ring. This is that hunt that everyone been waiting for. This is your opportunity but it done came and went while you were at home with your frozen PB&J.
In a few hours, five lives are going to change. I'm going to make you regret your decision to reform Pantheon when I single handedly destroy it. With one mighty swipe of my clobbering paw and put whack ass mother fuckers like Purse and Scarecrow to sleep with Surtrs Revenge. And you'll be standing there, CD.. going ' what the fuck just happened?' Yah son, what did just happen? You went and fucked up. You thought bringing Purse and Scarecrow to a Balfore fight wouldnt end in anything other then me smashing their skuls together and drinking fine PoonGuinea wine outta them.
That All Father, THICK just happened. Its the return of that Herman Cain joint. Its a return of the myth that ruined this company. And its the end of pretenders like PACK-THEON.
Its the return of Odin Balfore killin' nigs. Simply because he can. And you three, aint got shit to do about it accept kiss your families goodbye. My shadow consumes all and its its wake.. Ragnarok awaits.
Because my will.. is law.
So I have spoken.. So it shall come to pass...
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Chapter V: Push Play
* Little Eddy Snowden is up in his room. The lights are off and hes under the covers with a tape deck that he swiped from the garage. He flicks on a tiny flash light and marvels at the beat up cassette tape. “ XIII Thailand” is etched into the tape but its busted and beaten. Its seen better days. Eddy Snowden bites his lip and crosses his fingers. He puts the tape into the deck closes it and pushes
Play.
~~FINN