OUTBREAK: THE THICKNESS and OUTBREAK II: THE RICHNESS
Mar 12, 2015 23:55:03 GMT -5
Chelsea Armstrong likes this
Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Mar 12, 2015 23:55:03 GMT -5
WCF Imagination Films...
Some Actual Fox Studio Producers...
Drunk Money Productions...
OUTBREAK: THE THICKNESS
(We fade from black as the actors names roll on the scroll over the opening scene.)
Starring...David Hasselhoff as Doctor ICE
(You see a monkey getting thrown out of a large mansion in a tropical paradise.)
Mr. T as Private Badass
(The monkey turns, flicks off the great castle like mansion and then runs for the ocean.)
Tonya Harding as Betsy Johnson
(The Monkey pulls a piece of drift wood out to the ocean and grabs a stick to paddle into the water.)
George Foreman as General Punchgrill
(You watch him travel off rough waves and clam seas until he finally reaches another shore.)
Khloe Karadashian as Doctor Chelsea
(You see a half-witted surfer waxing his board on the beach when the monkey walks up to him. He giggles at the sight of the monkey then pulls out a banana from his back pack and offers it to the monkey.)
And Mel Gibson as Commander Cairo
(As the Monkey reaches for the banana the open music fades out to live action sound.)
Surfer: Hey little dude, want a treat?
(But instead the Monkey bites the man’s hand!)
Surfer: Not cool bro! No banana for you!
(As the surfer pulls his hand back he notices the time on his watch.)
Surfer: Oh dude, I gotta go, I got a flight to catch, I will just like this wound heal all natural.
(The scene switches to the Surfer now on the plane sitting next to Tonya Harding who is dressed like a simple suburban house wife.)
Betsy Johnson: I am Betsy, how are you?
Surfer: Actually I am not feeling so well, like I have all this shit I want to talk about, like how cops at the beach are such narcs and little waves really piss me off and I am super bummed about the increase of the soft pretzel at the ocean side café...plus sorry to say it, but my crotch is really hurting.
Betsy Johnson: Oh my, that is a lot of info. Maybe I will just read the Sky Mall magazine instead.
Surfer; But lady, I feel like I need to talk, like a prize fighter trying to win back his title, like his respect man. Like I am willing to do anything to get it...sorry babe, but I can’t seem to shut up and I need to ride this....URGH! Damn my willy hurts!
(The surfer grabs his crotch and begins to cough all over the poor lady. The story continues along as we now see the guy exiting the plane, still coughing.)
Surfer: Urgh, my dick hurts, like I am getting a major big boner...urgh damn bro and sisters, what the heck is happening...(cough)...(cough)...to...me.
(The man collapse in the middle of the airport tunnel ranting words of hate until the moment he passes out as security rushes to his side. Meanwhile at a local army base David Hasselhoff is seen working in a lab with Khloe Karadashian.)
Doctor ICE: Sorry babe, but I didn’t know she was your sister.
Doctor Chelsea: You still cheated on me, it doesn’t matter with whom you did it.
Doctor ICE: So then you would also probably be mad that her roommate was there.
Doctor Chelsea: She lives with my mom!
(Mr. T interrupts their conversation as he comes running into the room in army fatigues.)
Private Badass: Sorry to interrupt sir, but there is an urgent message from General Punchgrill.
(Mr. T hands Hasselhoff a note and David acts like he is reading like only a genius of the screen could.)
Doctor Chelsea: What does it say?
Doctor ICE: There has been a...Outbreak!!
(Dun Dun DUN!)
Private Badass: The correct grammar is AN Outbreak, sir.
Doctor ICE: Don’t step on my big line, private.
(The scene switches to make shift hospital that has been built on the outskirts in a small town community. A helicopter lands and Hasselhoff, Khloe and Mr. T run out of it and into a building that is wrapped in large sheets of plastic. One they get inside they run into two high ranking army officials, Mel Gibson and George Foreman, talking things through in the briefing room.)
General Punchgrill: This thing is getting out of control.
Commander Cairo: Oh this is nothing, I mean only a few people have died so far, big whoop.
General Punchgrill: You know this is all on you Commander, this disease started on your island.
Doctor ICE: Are we interrupting anything important?
Commander Cairo: Yeah, you really are, especially since you just totally heard that bad thing about me.
Doctor ICE: I’ve heard lots of bad things about you...mostly about bad table manners, but this is a new twist.
(Cairo begins to storm from the room.)
Commander Cairo: Go ahead and think you are God Doctor ICE, but trust me, this Outbreak will be the end of us all.
(He storms out of the room.)
Doctor ICE: More like his bad breathe will be the end of us all.
(The group laughs unprofessionally.)
General Punchgrill: I am glad you are here Doctor ICE and your team, let me tell ya, this burger is a cooking in this town and there is not grease tray to catch the crap.
Doctor ICE: We will see about that, in high school they called me Grease Tray King.
Doctor Chelsea: That is a terrible nickname.
(The movie switches scenes again to a home in the same small community where Tanya Harding is saying goodbye to her family as she has to head to the quarantine army hospital.)
Betsy Johnson: Goodbye kids, hubby.
Little Boy: But mommy why are you leaving.
Betsy Johnson: Because I am sick...sick of being with you and your stupid nightmares and you dirty shorts, I mean you are eight, it is time to start knowing when you need to go poop.
Little Girl: Mommy? What is going on?
Betsy Johnson: Oh and you are even worse, with you annoying her do to everyday, and your shitty jokes and come on every time your fall down is not a reason to cry!
Mr. Johnson: Please honey, don’t leave us like this.
Betsy Johnson: Oh and look who is taking now, Mr. Little Limp Dick himself, not only is our house the smallest on the block, but I have orgasmed with you as a lover EVER!! See your father there kids, he is a shit loser who I have hated being around every moment of my life....AND MY FUCKING VAGINA FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO BLOW!!!
(Tanya Harding slams the door behind her leaving her family behind.)
Mr. Johnson: Hey, who wants to pretend that never happened.
(Both the kids raise their hands before the movie switches back to the army doctor crew in the briefing room with George Foreman playing General Punchgrill.)
Doctor Chelsea: How exactly does his disease strike?
General Punchgrill: It begins with sweating, coughing, but then it builds, to ranting and raving about the things that you truly hate and then your genitals begin to suddenly film with pint after pint of blood until...well...your penis becomes too thick and explodes!
Doctor ICE: I have heard of a happy ending, but that is ridiculous.
Private Badass: That witty comment doesn’t really make sense, sir!
Doctor ICE: Please private don’t cut me off right before I figure out the whole cure to this whole damn thing...we drop a nuke on the town.
General Punchgrill: That was actually Commander Cairo’s idea on how to beat this thing.
Doctor ICE: Well then fuck that idea, I really hate when that guy gets his way...fine, I will work all night and figure out a cure.
(The movie moves ahead again as we see Commander Cairo walk into the kitchen of the army camp’s food court. He walks up to a young man working on a food order to go.)
Commander Cairo: Excuse me but where is this food headed?
Army Cook: It is meant for the Army Doctor crew walking on the outbreak.
Commander Cairo: Mind if I slip something into it.
Army Cook: I don’t mind at all, I like myself a good man.
Commander Cairo: Damn, I miss Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, just move so I can poison this food already.
(Again the scene switches back to the briefing room where the brainstorming session on how to cure this terrible, horrible, over-hyped and over blown outbreak of Thickness in well in swing as Chloe playing Doctor Chelsea is seen throwing out their dinner trays.)
Doctor Chelsea: We need to find the roots of this disease.
Private Badass: My momma always said retrace your steps to find an answer.
Doctor ICE: Well first I went to the gym, you know gotta work the pecks for the ladies, then I hit up the bar...then blackness...and then I ended here.
Doctor Chelsea: Not your steps, the disease’s steps.
Doctor ICE: On second thought, this disease doesn’t walk...for its airborne... and speaking of planes...this is our link.
(Doctor ICE points to a picture of General Punchgrill’s wife.)
General Punchgrill: I knew that bitch was evil, I am glad I lied to the cops about hitting her with my penne press!
Doctor Chelsea: No, he meant to point to her...(reading the name under her photo)...Betsy Johnson.
(Meanwhile Tanya as Betsy is in her hospital bed, blood raining from her eyes, blood dripping from her nose, open sores oozing with puss as her face is frozen with anger. The army doctor crew comes walking up to her bed.)
Betsy Johnson: I hate traffic...and long lines...and bugs...especially spiders.
Doctor Chelsea: Her hate is fading with her life.
Doctor ICE: Betsy, talk to me, tell me who were you sitting next to on the flight?
Private Badass: And tell me, did they serve a meal with that flight, cause I am going to see my momma next week and I was wondering if I needed to pack a snack like a sucka.
Betsy Johnson: I told care about that boring story, or any of your stupid cute faces...just that surfer on the plan...you can all just eat me raw.
Doctor Chelsea: That’s it!
Doctor ICE: Yeah, that was nice...how she complimented my cute face and all.
Doctor Chelsea: No, how she mentioned about the surfer on the plane. Wow, everything really does revolve around you.
Private Badass: He has sent me to sleep crying into my pillow many a night when a simple kind word...never mind, sirs.
(The heart monitor comes to a slow ending with beeps.)
Doctor ICE: Well this disease might be fatal, but at least it is a peaceful ending.
(Just then Betsy vagina explodes and blood covers everyone in the room.)
Doctor ICE:...Or not.
(The movie goes to the next scene with Khloe, Hasselhoff and Mr. T on the beach where the monkey first came ashore.)
Doctor ICE: We need to find a wild animal, something that could carry such a disease...maybe it is this crab, or a fish out there...oh damn what if it is shark! That would be cool...wouldn’t it? Guys, team?
(Hasselhoff turns to see his team on the beach, stricken with the thickness sickness.)
Private Badass: Urgh, the sand is making me feel like a sucka, Gosh darn this sand!
Doctor Chelsea: Urgh, I hate myself, I mean maybe if I could resist ICE’s butt....but it brings me back every time.
Doctor ICE: Oh I am no doctor, but I think you two are sick.
Private Badass: You actually are a Doctor, sir...darn, I hate how you are my boss, sir.
Doctor Chelsea: I love to hate him and hate to love him.
Doctor ICE: Don’t worry, I am still healthy, I will save the day and find the animal...who I am really beginning to hate, I mean so stupid fucking rat creature is making humans sick...that really makes me want to talk mad shit.
(And then the music turns evil.)
Commander Cairo: So, you see Doctor ICE, you are sick...and I believe this is what you are looking for...
(Mel Gibson as the Commander holds up a little monkey by the scruff of its neck.)
Doctor ICE: Holy shit, just the man I feel like seeing right now, because I got a whole lot I want you to say to you right now....so listen closely Cairo.
Commander Cairo: I will try, but holding a monkey isn’t as easy as it might seem.
(It a very non-smooth swap ICE Beckman runs onto the set to replace Hasselhoff for the following ranting scene.)
Doctor ICE: Let’s start with what it all means...real fucking human emotions. Not something spewed by a man too afraid to think outside the box or a trained monkey who plays his fiddle just like I taught him. Not something spewed by a man that I had to be so great in which to inspire his return, not a man who gets to play the triumphant superstar when I have been hearing, watching my buddies die in the trench while he has been out being so hardcore that he became a fucking criminal. No instead I give a bunch of fucking trolls digging at my account like they are hoping to strike, hoping they find a free key to the top, like all of a sudden I am at their fucking level. Wow, way to beat a stable of jobbers, way to show up for a whole season, way to talk shit like you will still even be talking at all in a month. Fuck, sometimes I don’t know what bothers me more, the old guard that acts like they still matter or the new shit that acts like someday they will. And losing my title has brought me back to the WCF gutter where I have to deal with this shit with a daily flow. I mean I got a bitch I never heard about throwing insults my way, a close minded fag trying his best to spew hate and a diva who only wishes I would throw a look, a hug and a kiss her way....but this is why I am pissed...but this is not why I hate.
(ICE Beckman as Doctor ICE begins to sweat from his brow and his knees begin to wobble.)
Doctor ICE: Omega...Cairo...these fools are why I hate. But then again what about Seth...Fuck Seth, I have a feeling Seth is just a joker in the deck these days, for when the cards are truly dealt he is left in the box wondering what it is like to be in the game. Seth might think he is planting the pieces but he doesn’t understand we don’t go by the rules, one day we might be a pawn or a rook...and he doesn’t understand every day I am the King...I move with purpose, and the only way to strike me down is by attacking my allies. In other words if WCF is a game of chess, then Seth is in the other room trying to remember what came after red on the Simon game.
(ICE then begins to bleed from his noise and drop to one knee as his rant flows like a river of hate.)
Doctor ICE: So here I am, dying or whatever...thinking of ranting or hate just like Cairo loves. But what is Bobby, a man or a machine. Does he feel emotions, ideas, imagination or does he just go back to the well. Give him a soapbox and let him go. What truly marks a champion, a man who forms shapes to comfort himself or a man who takes the triangles, the rectangles, the circles of life and still makes them fit...I am the Champion of this place, the founder of the WCF’s yellow brick road, yet thanks to Bobby’s little heist the WCF is beginning to die, slowly but surely wrestlers in the back are taking a little longer to lace up their boots. I mean what are they all fighting for, what are they all denying time with their families for, what are they are working 24/7 for....because the moment Seth allowed that match to happen, the second he allowed the World title to change hands without me being even pinned...that instant is the instant Bobby Cairo killed WCF...for why bother becoming as great as ICE Beckman when in the end your greatness will be stolen by a greedy boss looking to make his federation a little more soap opera and a little less real competition.
(ICE continues to pace as he begins to look worse and worse thanks to an amazing make up team.)
Doctor ICE: And then there is Jay...Yeah, I know wrong movie, but when you are the writer, director and producer you can do as you want. Now where the fuck does he get off...work, work, time off, work, screw job, chance at a World title...cry, cry, cry...okay, maybe I added that last part. But the point remains, I have beaten Omega as individuals, I have beaten his team as a stable and I am ready to beat him again. Now he may be my second focus, but his bleep on the radar is still flashing red. I want to end him, I need to end him, like a fucking natural disaster with a poorly made house in my path. Omega may think he can buy the world, steal the glory and walk out in the end with the biggest prize in out game, but this is fucking XIII. A world breed with chaos, built with a vain exterior where above all the shit rules...and this week I have fucking proved that. I didn’t play into my old game, the safe way, the same old shit rambles, the same old fucking crap...instead I went out of the box, didn’t play by Seth’s rules and had fun with it...and that is why I am better than Cairo and more fun than Omega...that is why I know how to win on Slam, on WCF TV and in the gutters of the world...I am Natural FUCKING ICE Beckman, the man who runs from no fear, embraces all challenges like a warrior by never backing down, the man who lives the lifestyle of XIII with every step. The man who doesn’t worry about shocking the world; for I am the man that made it; hence nothing shocks me...now come home ICE AGE, WCF Title, Locker room Respect, for I am waiting, I am ready...and so is the WCF.
(ICE runs out of the scene as Hasselhoff runs back on screen with a dusting of doughnut powdered sugar on his aging face.)
Commander Cairo: Sounds like you are near the end Doctor ICE.
Doctor ICE: No, I think you are...Monkey! KILL!!!
(Just then Mr. T as Private Badass leaps up and stabs Mel as Com. Cairo in the neck with a knife; killing him in a great sudden moment of the peak of the story.)
Doctor Chelsea: You did it...you saved us Private Badass!
Doctor ICE: Yeah, but damn, I am supposed to be the hero...so that kinda pisses me off Private...do you hear me?
Doctor Chelsea: He is dead Doctor ICE, but if you want to be the hero then tackle that monkey so we can use him to get the cure!
(Hasselhoff tackles the real monkey, don’t tell Peta.)
Doctor ICE: Urgh, this monkey smells like butt and even worse he smells like Commander Cairo. Also I don’t like how I said get him Monkey and then a big black guy attacked Commander Cairo, that isn’t going to look good with that whole “Hands Up for Ferguson” crowd. And I need this film, it needs to be my Sharknado.
Doctor Chelsea: I think people still remember being drunk and trying to eat that hamburger.
Doctor ICE: Hey, Natural ICE Beckman said we could go out of character...but since you started it, your family is fake and crazy, and that is something coming from me...a man who made a soft porn show on national TV in Baywatch!
(Just as the actors stop trying, so does the movie with Mr. T’s pants exploding followed by a sudden black screen.)
THE END
(And Now...The Sequel....)
WCF Imagination Films...
Some Actual Fox Studio Producers...
Drunk Money Productions...
OUTBREAK II: THE RICHNESS
(The movie opens on a huge mansion complete with beautiful rolling gardens.)
Starring...David Hasselhoff as Doctor ICE
(You see inside the mansion where a giant printing press has been set up in the main living area.)
John Stamos as President U.S.A
(Money is being printed out of the machine and being put into large bags with $ on the side.)
Gilbert Godfrey as Frank
(The Money bags are then shown being loaded into the back of a trucks that says U.S treasury.)
George Foreman as General Punchgrill
(You watch the trucks drive along a few roads before it makes it to outside an official U.S. Currency building where they are allowed inside the gates.)
Khloe Karadashian as Doctor Chelsea
(You then see the bags being brought inside the building as in the background a mysterious man in a trench coat is see shaking hands with the manager of the building.)
And Justin Bieber as Rich Boy Jay
(The an evil laugh can be heard as the money is mixed in with the actually U.S. paper money as the music’s opening score ends and you see Hasselhoff and Khloe Karadashian walking down the beach holding hands.)
Doctor ICE: Again, I thought since it was only with one girl it would be okay.
Doctor Chelsea : Well at least this time she wasn’t related to me.
Doctor ICE: Right...she is just your maid.
Doctor Chelsea: My maid is a 50 year old Mexican women.
Doctor ICE: And I had a taste for running to the border.
Doctor Chelsea: That is both racist and disgusting...why do I still date you.
Doctor ICE: Maybe I will turn around and bend over, then you will remember why....that’s right, I am talking about my nice ass.
(Just then the movie gets sudden familiar face.)
General Punchgrill: Doctor ICE, there has been a new outbreak emergency! So I am sorry to interrupt whatever is going on here.
Doctor ICE: I was just showing her my juicy ass.
General Punchgrill: Well if you’re interested in making that ass a little more lean and a little less juicy, I know a grill for you!
Doctor Chelsea: Um...
General Punchgrill: Sorry there is no time to talk grills, unless you are seriously interested in buying one because I do have a few in my trunk that are slightly used, but almost new.
Doctor ICE: No thanks General.
General Punchgrill: Well then off to see the President; for like I said, the outbreak could be happening right now as we speak.
(The movie switches scenes to the acting of Gilbert Godfrey walking up to the checkout at his local super market. Gilbert smiles at the young female clerk as he pulls up his pants to get them even higher and closer to his pocket protector.)
Frank: Hi...I am buying apples...by myself.
Store Clerk: Okay...
Frank: I am special...my mommy told me so; before she died...did I mention I am special?
Store Clerk: Just take your change; I don’t have time for a weirdo.
Frank: But I am special, not weird...my mommy told me so...so did all the doctors.
(She hands him a few paper bills as change as the camera zooms in on them, for where George Washington’s face should be in another man face, teenage girls know him as their biggest crush, but the rest of us normal people know him as Justin Bieber who is playing the part of the following character whose face suddenly pops on screen.)
Rich Boy Jay: Mwuhahaha...my plan is in full force and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it...mwuahahaha!!!
(The room full of hired goons does not laugh along with their evil boss.)
Rich Boy Jay: Urgh, remind me next time to hire some goons with a personaility.
Hired Goon Leader: You got it boss.
Rich Boy Jay: Isn’t this great, finally the whole world will know what it is like to be me.
Hired Goon Leader: A spoiled lazy little brat?
Rich Boy Jay: Not exactly how I would put it, but basically...you see as my money begins to stream into the rest of America’s money soon the whole country will be touching it and along with that, touching my invisible powder that will give everyone the diseases of Richness. What is Richness diseases you ask?
Hired Good Leader: If you say so boss.
Rich Boy Jay: It is going to teach the world what it is like to want to own everything in the world with the help of money.
Hired Goon Leader: But boss, most people not have lots of money?
Rich Boy Jay: And that is where the fun will begin...now go draw me a bath and don’t forget my rubber duckys this time...you know that makes me feel sadder than a poor person who can only afford HBO and not all of the premium channels.
(The movie again switches scene to the White House’s oval office as Hasselhoff, Khloe and George Foreman wait for the President of USA.)
Doctor ICE: I am going to steal something, you know as a souvenir, something that will impress the ladies.
Doctor Chelsea: I am right here.
Doctor ICE: Come on this is the sequel, time for a new beginning at first and then in the end we love each other again...besides what harm will it do if I take this coaster, or notepad...or this pillow.
General Punchgrill: No Doctor ICE! Give me back that pillow.
(The two begin to each pull on the couch’s throw pillow until it splits open and of course in a sea of feathers in walks John Stamos playing the part of President U.S.A.)
President U.S.A.: Don’t have a cow now; it is just my pretty man face coming in.
Doctor ICE: Shouldn’t that be some sort of chicken pun?
General Punchgrill: Yeah, I mean with the feathers and all.
Doctor Chelsea: Really, I think he is dreamy, I mean the pun was dreamy, I mean, he is dreamy.
President U.S.A.: Yeah, I get that a lot...(winks at Khloe who is playing Dr. Chelsea)...but anyways to this whole Outbreak nonsense.
General Punchgrill: Yes, sir, my latest report said that nearly 90% of the South has already been diagnosed with the Richness Virus Disease.
President U.S.A.: Yes, but when do actually important people start getting affected.
Doctor ICE: Damnit President, the South does matter. I mean if it went away think of the blows to the economy as far as Nascar...and um, jokes about the South...oh and Moonshine!
President U.S.A.: Fine I will let you all try and help figure out the cure to this richness problem...besides I am sure there is someone special in the South worth saving.
(The movie switches from the oval office to a small southern town with the sun beating down on the shoulders of Gilbert Godfrey as Frank.)
Frank: I am special...I am special...I am sad...so sad.
(Frank begins to dig into his pockets and pulls out the money in there, he looks at it like it fresh water to a man lost in the desert.)
Frank: I feel like buying things...things will make me happy...I feel so sad...need to be happy.
(He begins to run towards town with drool flowing from his lips and his money firmly clinched in his fists.)
Frank: I want to buy balloons, and bubbles and bubble bath...and other things that start with the Letter P...like a Brain!
(The movie switches back to the actors playing the army team of doctors.)
Doctor ICE: I think I just found a huge break through.
Doctor Chelsea: Me too...look I just tapped into the secret service camera feed...now I can watch President U.S.A. in the shower and in the nu-nevermind.
Doctor ICE: If I wasn’t so smart and sexy, I would find that offensive. Now look at this, the data I took off of one of these forged dollar bills. Some toxin that makes you at first sad but then leaves you will a hungry for money in which to fill the many voids the sadness opens up.
Doctor Chelsea: Sounds like typical rich kid sickness. But who would behind such a thing? Donald Trump? Bill Gates? Richie Rich from those nerdy cartoons?
Doctor ICE: Or maybe we just look at the other side of the bill, the one that contains his face.
Doctor Chelsea: Oh my...it is the World’s 232nd Most Hardcore Villain...Rich Boy Jay!
Doctor ICE: He doesn’t look hardcore to me.
Doctor Chelsea: No, but he is annoying and spiteful, plus he has a lot of money, so people pretend to like him a lot in hopes of a free car.
(The movie switches to outside the white house where Rich Boy Jay and his team of Hired Goons are using the secret tunnel to sneak into the President’s home.)
Rich Boy Jay: We are almost in, the whole country is dealing with my outbreak, leaving me with the perfect chance to kill President U.S.A!!
Hired Goon Leader: Why you hate this man so much?
Rich Boy Jay: Because he stole my woman away from me?!
Hired Goon Leader: You girlfriend?
Rich Boy Jay: No....MY MOM! She hasn’t called since she got the Dvd Box Set of the Complete Series of Full House.
Hired Goon Leader: Oh, that good one, fun to watch Michelle grow up in front of your very eyes. Plus Stamos is so cool, reason I voted him to become President U.S.A.
Rich Boy Jay: Just shut up and break down these doors with the help of goons.
(The movie switches over to the other side of the doors where President U.S.A. played by John Stamos is giving General Punchgrill a few gifts.)
President U.S.A.: So in thanks to your hard work this week I got you this gift.
(He hands George Foreman an envelope that he opens with a queer eye.)
General Punchgrill: It is 4 dollars and 75 cents.
President U.S.A.: It was my change after I bought my hair coloring this morning.
General Punchgrill: Shouldn’t someone else make runs to the store for you?
President U.S.A.: Eh, everyone here hates me, you know because of my good looks...and lately it really makes me sad.
General Punchgrill: I feel sad too, like I am nothing but a hamburger cooked with all its grease not dripped off into an easy to clean tray.
President U.S.A.: I feel like crying.
General Punchgrill: I feel like BUYing.
President U.S.A.: You know I feel like buying too...maybe I will buy a helicopter...no I have one of those...or then maybe a dog...wait I have one of those...I know a Helicopter Dog! Do they exist?
General Punchgrill: I want to buy a Word Championship, for I miss the ring...what do they call that...buying a World Champ title?
President U.S.A.: A "Pulling a Cairo" I believe.
(The camera switches shots to show two new members to the room.)
Doctor ICE: No, stop...first because we are supposed be making fun of Omega, not Cairo, but also you both are infested with Richness Disease!
Doctor Chelsea: Also I think it is all Rich Boy Jay’s doing...also President U.S.A. you are not as sexy when you cry.
President U.S.A.: I know...I need to buy a few dozen face lifts!
Rich Boy Jay: Sorry President, but no time for such things...for I am President now.
General Punchgrill: Wow, that is how it works...well then I am President now!!
Doctor ICE: That doesn’t seem right, but just in case...I am President now!!!
(Just then an actor impersonating President Obama comes walking into the room.)
President Obama: Actually people you are all wrong and also trespassing.
Hired Goon Leader: DIE!
(A cast of hired goons begin to fight Obama, who like ninja begins to fight all of them.)
President U.S.A.: Remind me to hire that guy as my new head of secret service.
General Punchgrill: Hey, where are those guys anyhow?
President U.S.A.: They were so serious and formal and they were making me sad...so I gave them all the weekend off...now who wants to play on the moon, I think I am going to buy it.
General Punchgrill: Oh, I call Jupiter and Saturn and...uh...damn, I can’t remember any other planets.
Rich Boy Jay: HAS EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT ME OR WHAT?!!! I mean HELLO, I am the bad guy, the biggest threat around after all.
Doctor ICE: You are? Hmmmm....
(Hasselhoff knocks Justin Bieber down with a single punch.)
Rich Boy Jay: Damnit, where are my hired goons.
Hired Goon Leader: WE are free people! WE ARE FREE!!
(All the hired goons run away as Khloe looks over at Hasselhoff.)
Doctor Chelsea: Well he is defeated, but what about the Outbreak...the Richness Virus?
Doctor ICE: Eh, fuck finding a cure; I figure a free market will figure itself out.
Doctor Chelsea: God Bless America.
Doctor ICE: Besides no one watches the sequel...especially when it is just about Jay Omega, right?
Rich Boy Jay: (wakes up)...hey...that...was...mean!
(Frank played by Gilbert Godfrey runs into the scene and begins to stab Justin over and over...and over...in fact a little more than the script called for...until finally he passes out on the top of Justin’s body.)
Frank: Oh man, so many teenage girls are jealous of me; first time for that.
Doctor ICE: What to Rain man that shit Frank.
Frank: I was just doing my best Omega man joke.
Doctor Chelsea: That was a tasteless joke, but made by a mentally challenged character aka give Frank an Academy award.
Frank: Talk about who should have been the star of What's Eating Gilbert Grape, I mean screw Leo my name actually is Gilbert.
(Gilbert the actor pretends to die smiling as the movie goes on.)
Doctor ICE: Is it too late to mention how weird things always get in a sequel?
Doctor Chelsea: Right, now back to the subject of us.
Doctor ICE: My van is parked outside and is has a back seat...
Doctor Chelsea: And...
Doctor ICE: And I caught of bit of the Richness Virus, meaning I am sad enough to want fore-play, but greedy enough to want to buy you diamonds after.
Doctor Chelsea: Okay, that’s good enough for me.
(The two run from the oval office like two people riding together into the sunset in the name of a happy ending leaving the general and president left to send us off.)
President U.S.A.: I want to buy you a real grill.
General Punchgrill: Me too...I miss grease.
President U.S.A.: You know what would be fun?
General Punchgrill: If bought the Washington Redskins and renamed them the Washington George Foreman Grills?
President U.S.A.: Yeah, that would, but it would also be fun to give Rich Boy Jay my virus...called Herpes.
(Foreman begins to drag Bieber towards Stamos as the movie fades to black.)
THE END
Look for the following On Demand and at Red Box over the next few weeks...
As long with the return of Natural ICE Beckman in...Outbreak 3: Everyone Gets Cool. (Opening Date TBA)
OUTBREAK: THE THICKNESS/ OUTBREAK II: THE RICHNESS
Some Actual Fox Studio Producers...
Drunk Money Productions...
OUTBREAK: THE THICKNESS
(We fade from black as the actors names roll on the scroll over the opening scene.)
Starring...David Hasselhoff as Doctor ICE
(You see a monkey getting thrown out of a large mansion in a tropical paradise.)
Mr. T as Private Badass
(The monkey turns, flicks off the great castle like mansion and then runs for the ocean.)
Tonya Harding as Betsy Johnson
(The Monkey pulls a piece of drift wood out to the ocean and grabs a stick to paddle into the water.)
George Foreman as General Punchgrill
(You watch him travel off rough waves and clam seas until he finally reaches another shore.)
Khloe Karadashian as Doctor Chelsea
(You see a half-witted surfer waxing his board on the beach when the monkey walks up to him. He giggles at the sight of the monkey then pulls out a banana from his back pack and offers it to the monkey.)
And Mel Gibson as Commander Cairo
(As the Monkey reaches for the banana the open music fades out to live action sound.)
Surfer: Hey little dude, want a treat?
(But instead the Monkey bites the man’s hand!)
Surfer: Not cool bro! No banana for you!
(As the surfer pulls his hand back he notices the time on his watch.)
Surfer: Oh dude, I gotta go, I got a flight to catch, I will just like this wound heal all natural.
(The scene switches to the Surfer now on the plane sitting next to Tonya Harding who is dressed like a simple suburban house wife.)
Betsy Johnson: I am Betsy, how are you?
Surfer: Actually I am not feeling so well, like I have all this shit I want to talk about, like how cops at the beach are such narcs and little waves really piss me off and I am super bummed about the increase of the soft pretzel at the ocean side café...plus sorry to say it, but my crotch is really hurting.
Betsy Johnson: Oh my, that is a lot of info. Maybe I will just read the Sky Mall magazine instead.
Surfer; But lady, I feel like I need to talk, like a prize fighter trying to win back his title, like his respect man. Like I am willing to do anything to get it...sorry babe, but I can’t seem to shut up and I need to ride this....URGH! Damn my willy hurts!
(The surfer grabs his crotch and begins to cough all over the poor lady. The story continues along as we now see the guy exiting the plane, still coughing.)
Surfer: Urgh, my dick hurts, like I am getting a major big boner...urgh damn bro and sisters, what the heck is happening...(cough)...(cough)...to...me.
(The man collapse in the middle of the airport tunnel ranting words of hate until the moment he passes out as security rushes to his side. Meanwhile at a local army base David Hasselhoff is seen working in a lab with Khloe Karadashian.)
Doctor ICE: Sorry babe, but I didn’t know she was your sister.
Doctor Chelsea: You still cheated on me, it doesn’t matter with whom you did it.
Doctor ICE: So then you would also probably be mad that her roommate was there.
Doctor Chelsea: She lives with my mom!
(Mr. T interrupts their conversation as he comes running into the room in army fatigues.)
Private Badass: Sorry to interrupt sir, but there is an urgent message from General Punchgrill.
(Mr. T hands Hasselhoff a note and David acts like he is reading like only a genius of the screen could.)
Doctor Chelsea: What does it say?
Doctor ICE: There has been a...Outbreak!!
(Dun Dun DUN!)
Private Badass: The correct grammar is AN Outbreak, sir.
Doctor ICE: Don’t step on my big line, private.
(The scene switches to make shift hospital that has been built on the outskirts in a small town community. A helicopter lands and Hasselhoff, Khloe and Mr. T run out of it and into a building that is wrapped in large sheets of plastic. One they get inside they run into two high ranking army officials, Mel Gibson and George Foreman, talking things through in the briefing room.)
General Punchgrill: This thing is getting out of control.
Commander Cairo: Oh this is nothing, I mean only a few people have died so far, big whoop.
General Punchgrill: You know this is all on you Commander, this disease started on your island.
Doctor ICE: Are we interrupting anything important?
Commander Cairo: Yeah, you really are, especially since you just totally heard that bad thing about me.
Doctor ICE: I’ve heard lots of bad things about you...mostly about bad table manners, but this is a new twist.
(Cairo begins to storm from the room.)
Commander Cairo: Go ahead and think you are God Doctor ICE, but trust me, this Outbreak will be the end of us all.
(He storms out of the room.)
Doctor ICE: More like his bad breathe will be the end of us all.
(The group laughs unprofessionally.)
General Punchgrill: I am glad you are here Doctor ICE and your team, let me tell ya, this burger is a cooking in this town and there is not grease tray to catch the crap.
Doctor ICE: We will see about that, in high school they called me Grease Tray King.
Doctor Chelsea: That is a terrible nickname.
(The movie switches scenes again to a home in the same small community where Tanya Harding is saying goodbye to her family as she has to head to the quarantine army hospital.)
Betsy Johnson: Goodbye kids, hubby.
Little Boy: But mommy why are you leaving.
Betsy Johnson: Because I am sick...sick of being with you and your stupid nightmares and you dirty shorts, I mean you are eight, it is time to start knowing when you need to go poop.
Little Girl: Mommy? What is going on?
Betsy Johnson: Oh and you are even worse, with you annoying her do to everyday, and your shitty jokes and come on every time your fall down is not a reason to cry!
Mr. Johnson: Please honey, don’t leave us like this.
Betsy Johnson: Oh and look who is taking now, Mr. Little Limp Dick himself, not only is our house the smallest on the block, but I have orgasmed with you as a lover EVER!! See your father there kids, he is a shit loser who I have hated being around every moment of my life....AND MY FUCKING VAGINA FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO BLOW!!!
(Tanya Harding slams the door behind her leaving her family behind.)
Mr. Johnson: Hey, who wants to pretend that never happened.
(Both the kids raise their hands before the movie switches back to the army doctor crew in the briefing room with George Foreman playing General Punchgrill.)
Doctor Chelsea: How exactly does his disease strike?
General Punchgrill: It begins with sweating, coughing, but then it builds, to ranting and raving about the things that you truly hate and then your genitals begin to suddenly film with pint after pint of blood until...well...your penis becomes too thick and explodes!
Doctor ICE: I have heard of a happy ending, but that is ridiculous.
Private Badass: That witty comment doesn’t really make sense, sir!
Doctor ICE: Please private don’t cut me off right before I figure out the whole cure to this whole damn thing...we drop a nuke on the town.
General Punchgrill: That was actually Commander Cairo’s idea on how to beat this thing.
Doctor ICE: Well then fuck that idea, I really hate when that guy gets his way...fine, I will work all night and figure out a cure.
(The movie moves ahead again as we see Commander Cairo walk into the kitchen of the army camp’s food court. He walks up to a young man working on a food order to go.)
Commander Cairo: Excuse me but where is this food headed?
Army Cook: It is meant for the Army Doctor crew walking on the outbreak.
Commander Cairo: Mind if I slip something into it.
Army Cook: I don’t mind at all, I like myself a good man.
Commander Cairo: Damn, I miss Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, just move so I can poison this food already.
(Again the scene switches back to the briefing room where the brainstorming session on how to cure this terrible, horrible, over-hyped and over blown outbreak of Thickness in well in swing as Chloe playing Doctor Chelsea is seen throwing out their dinner trays.)
Doctor Chelsea: We need to find the roots of this disease.
Private Badass: My momma always said retrace your steps to find an answer.
Doctor ICE: Well first I went to the gym, you know gotta work the pecks for the ladies, then I hit up the bar...then blackness...and then I ended here.
Doctor Chelsea: Not your steps, the disease’s steps.
Doctor ICE: On second thought, this disease doesn’t walk...for its airborne... and speaking of planes...this is our link.
(Doctor ICE points to a picture of General Punchgrill’s wife.)
General Punchgrill: I knew that bitch was evil, I am glad I lied to the cops about hitting her with my penne press!
Doctor Chelsea: No, he meant to point to her...(reading the name under her photo)...Betsy Johnson.
(Meanwhile Tanya as Betsy is in her hospital bed, blood raining from her eyes, blood dripping from her nose, open sores oozing with puss as her face is frozen with anger. The army doctor crew comes walking up to her bed.)
Betsy Johnson: I hate traffic...and long lines...and bugs...especially spiders.
Doctor Chelsea: Her hate is fading with her life.
Doctor ICE: Betsy, talk to me, tell me who were you sitting next to on the flight?
Private Badass: And tell me, did they serve a meal with that flight, cause I am going to see my momma next week and I was wondering if I needed to pack a snack like a sucka.
Betsy Johnson: I told care about that boring story, or any of your stupid cute faces...just that surfer on the plan...you can all just eat me raw.
Doctor Chelsea: That’s it!
Doctor ICE: Yeah, that was nice...how she complimented my cute face and all.
Doctor Chelsea: No, how she mentioned about the surfer on the plane. Wow, everything really does revolve around you.
Private Badass: He has sent me to sleep crying into my pillow many a night when a simple kind word...never mind, sirs.
(The heart monitor comes to a slow ending with beeps.)
Doctor ICE: Well this disease might be fatal, but at least it is a peaceful ending.
(Just then Betsy vagina explodes and blood covers everyone in the room.)
Doctor ICE:...Or not.
(The movie goes to the next scene with Khloe, Hasselhoff and Mr. T on the beach where the monkey first came ashore.)
Doctor ICE: We need to find a wild animal, something that could carry such a disease...maybe it is this crab, or a fish out there...oh damn what if it is shark! That would be cool...wouldn’t it? Guys, team?
(Hasselhoff turns to see his team on the beach, stricken with the thickness sickness.)
Private Badass: Urgh, the sand is making me feel like a sucka, Gosh darn this sand!
Doctor Chelsea: Urgh, I hate myself, I mean maybe if I could resist ICE’s butt....but it brings me back every time.
Doctor ICE: Oh I am no doctor, but I think you two are sick.
Private Badass: You actually are a Doctor, sir...darn, I hate how you are my boss, sir.
Doctor Chelsea: I love to hate him and hate to love him.
Doctor ICE: Don’t worry, I am still healthy, I will save the day and find the animal...who I am really beginning to hate, I mean so stupid fucking rat creature is making humans sick...that really makes me want to talk mad shit.
(And then the music turns evil.)
Commander Cairo: So, you see Doctor ICE, you are sick...and I believe this is what you are looking for...
(Mel Gibson as the Commander holds up a little monkey by the scruff of its neck.)
Doctor ICE: Holy shit, just the man I feel like seeing right now, because I got a whole lot I want you to say to you right now....so listen closely Cairo.
Commander Cairo: I will try, but holding a monkey isn’t as easy as it might seem.
(It a very non-smooth swap ICE Beckman runs onto the set to replace Hasselhoff for the following ranting scene.)
Doctor ICE: Let’s start with what it all means...real fucking human emotions. Not something spewed by a man too afraid to think outside the box or a trained monkey who plays his fiddle just like I taught him. Not something spewed by a man that I had to be so great in which to inspire his return, not a man who gets to play the triumphant superstar when I have been hearing, watching my buddies die in the trench while he has been out being so hardcore that he became a fucking criminal. No instead I give a bunch of fucking trolls digging at my account like they are hoping to strike, hoping they find a free key to the top, like all of a sudden I am at their fucking level. Wow, way to beat a stable of jobbers, way to show up for a whole season, way to talk shit like you will still even be talking at all in a month. Fuck, sometimes I don’t know what bothers me more, the old guard that acts like they still matter or the new shit that acts like someday they will. And losing my title has brought me back to the WCF gutter where I have to deal with this shit with a daily flow. I mean I got a bitch I never heard about throwing insults my way, a close minded fag trying his best to spew hate and a diva who only wishes I would throw a look, a hug and a kiss her way....but this is why I am pissed...but this is not why I hate.
(ICE Beckman as Doctor ICE begins to sweat from his brow and his knees begin to wobble.)
Doctor ICE: Omega...Cairo...these fools are why I hate. But then again what about Seth...Fuck Seth, I have a feeling Seth is just a joker in the deck these days, for when the cards are truly dealt he is left in the box wondering what it is like to be in the game. Seth might think he is planting the pieces but he doesn’t understand we don’t go by the rules, one day we might be a pawn or a rook...and he doesn’t understand every day I am the King...I move with purpose, and the only way to strike me down is by attacking my allies. In other words if WCF is a game of chess, then Seth is in the other room trying to remember what came after red on the Simon game.
(ICE then begins to bleed from his noise and drop to one knee as his rant flows like a river of hate.)
Doctor ICE: So here I am, dying or whatever...thinking of ranting or hate just like Cairo loves. But what is Bobby, a man or a machine. Does he feel emotions, ideas, imagination or does he just go back to the well. Give him a soapbox and let him go. What truly marks a champion, a man who forms shapes to comfort himself or a man who takes the triangles, the rectangles, the circles of life and still makes them fit...I am the Champion of this place, the founder of the WCF’s yellow brick road, yet thanks to Bobby’s little heist the WCF is beginning to die, slowly but surely wrestlers in the back are taking a little longer to lace up their boots. I mean what are they all fighting for, what are they all denying time with their families for, what are they are working 24/7 for....because the moment Seth allowed that match to happen, the second he allowed the World title to change hands without me being even pinned...that instant is the instant Bobby Cairo killed WCF...for why bother becoming as great as ICE Beckman when in the end your greatness will be stolen by a greedy boss looking to make his federation a little more soap opera and a little less real competition.
(ICE continues to pace as he begins to look worse and worse thanks to an amazing make up team.)
Doctor ICE: And then there is Jay...Yeah, I know wrong movie, but when you are the writer, director and producer you can do as you want. Now where the fuck does he get off...work, work, time off, work, screw job, chance at a World title...cry, cry, cry...okay, maybe I added that last part. But the point remains, I have beaten Omega as individuals, I have beaten his team as a stable and I am ready to beat him again. Now he may be my second focus, but his bleep on the radar is still flashing red. I want to end him, I need to end him, like a fucking natural disaster with a poorly made house in my path. Omega may think he can buy the world, steal the glory and walk out in the end with the biggest prize in out game, but this is fucking XIII. A world breed with chaos, built with a vain exterior where above all the shit rules...and this week I have fucking proved that. I didn’t play into my old game, the safe way, the same old shit rambles, the same old fucking crap...instead I went out of the box, didn’t play by Seth’s rules and had fun with it...and that is why I am better than Cairo and more fun than Omega...that is why I know how to win on Slam, on WCF TV and in the gutters of the world...I am Natural FUCKING ICE Beckman, the man who runs from no fear, embraces all challenges like a warrior by never backing down, the man who lives the lifestyle of XIII with every step. The man who doesn’t worry about shocking the world; for I am the man that made it; hence nothing shocks me...now come home ICE AGE, WCF Title, Locker room Respect, for I am waiting, I am ready...and so is the WCF.
(ICE runs out of the scene as Hasselhoff runs back on screen with a dusting of doughnut powdered sugar on his aging face.)
Commander Cairo: Sounds like you are near the end Doctor ICE.
Doctor ICE: No, I think you are...Monkey! KILL!!!
(Just then Mr. T as Private Badass leaps up and stabs Mel as Com. Cairo in the neck with a knife; killing him in a great sudden moment of the peak of the story.)
Doctor Chelsea: You did it...you saved us Private Badass!
Doctor ICE: Yeah, but damn, I am supposed to be the hero...so that kinda pisses me off Private...do you hear me?
Doctor Chelsea: He is dead Doctor ICE, but if you want to be the hero then tackle that monkey so we can use him to get the cure!
(Hasselhoff tackles the real monkey, don’t tell Peta.)
Doctor ICE: Urgh, this monkey smells like butt and even worse he smells like Commander Cairo. Also I don’t like how I said get him Monkey and then a big black guy attacked Commander Cairo, that isn’t going to look good with that whole “Hands Up for Ferguson” crowd. And I need this film, it needs to be my Sharknado.
Doctor Chelsea: I think people still remember being drunk and trying to eat that hamburger.
Doctor ICE: Hey, Natural ICE Beckman said we could go out of character...but since you started it, your family is fake and crazy, and that is something coming from me...a man who made a soft porn show on national TV in Baywatch!
(Just as the actors stop trying, so does the movie with Mr. T’s pants exploding followed by a sudden black screen.)
THE END
(And Now...The Sequel....)
WCF Imagination Films...
Some Actual Fox Studio Producers...
Drunk Money Productions...
OUTBREAK II: THE RICHNESS
(The movie opens on a huge mansion complete with beautiful rolling gardens.)
Starring...David Hasselhoff as Doctor ICE
(You see inside the mansion where a giant printing press has been set up in the main living area.)
John Stamos as President U.S.A
(Money is being printed out of the machine and being put into large bags with $ on the side.)
Gilbert Godfrey as Frank
(The Money bags are then shown being loaded into the back of a trucks that says U.S treasury.)
George Foreman as General Punchgrill
(You watch the trucks drive along a few roads before it makes it to outside an official U.S. Currency building where they are allowed inside the gates.)
Khloe Karadashian as Doctor Chelsea
(You then see the bags being brought inside the building as in the background a mysterious man in a trench coat is see shaking hands with the manager of the building.)
And Justin Bieber as Rich Boy Jay
(The an evil laugh can be heard as the money is mixed in with the actually U.S. paper money as the music’s opening score ends and you see Hasselhoff and Khloe Karadashian walking down the beach holding hands.)
Doctor ICE: Again, I thought since it was only with one girl it would be okay.
Doctor Chelsea : Well at least this time she wasn’t related to me.
Doctor ICE: Right...she is just your maid.
Doctor Chelsea: My maid is a 50 year old Mexican women.
Doctor ICE: And I had a taste for running to the border.
Doctor Chelsea: That is both racist and disgusting...why do I still date you.
Doctor ICE: Maybe I will turn around and bend over, then you will remember why....that’s right, I am talking about my nice ass.
(Just then the movie gets sudden familiar face.)
General Punchgrill: Doctor ICE, there has been a new outbreak emergency! So I am sorry to interrupt whatever is going on here.
Doctor ICE: I was just showing her my juicy ass.
General Punchgrill: Well if you’re interested in making that ass a little more lean and a little less juicy, I know a grill for you!
Doctor Chelsea: Um...
General Punchgrill: Sorry there is no time to talk grills, unless you are seriously interested in buying one because I do have a few in my trunk that are slightly used, but almost new.
Doctor ICE: No thanks General.
General Punchgrill: Well then off to see the President; for like I said, the outbreak could be happening right now as we speak.
(The movie switches scenes to the acting of Gilbert Godfrey walking up to the checkout at his local super market. Gilbert smiles at the young female clerk as he pulls up his pants to get them even higher and closer to his pocket protector.)
Frank: Hi...I am buying apples...by myself.
Store Clerk: Okay...
Frank: I am special...my mommy told me so; before she died...did I mention I am special?
Store Clerk: Just take your change; I don’t have time for a weirdo.
Frank: But I am special, not weird...my mommy told me so...so did all the doctors.
(She hands him a few paper bills as change as the camera zooms in on them, for where George Washington’s face should be in another man face, teenage girls know him as their biggest crush, but the rest of us normal people know him as Justin Bieber who is playing the part of the following character whose face suddenly pops on screen.)
Rich Boy Jay: Mwuhahaha...my plan is in full force and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it...mwuahahaha!!!
(The room full of hired goons does not laugh along with their evil boss.)
Rich Boy Jay: Urgh, remind me next time to hire some goons with a personaility.
Hired Goon Leader: You got it boss.
Rich Boy Jay: Isn’t this great, finally the whole world will know what it is like to be me.
Hired Goon Leader: A spoiled lazy little brat?
Rich Boy Jay: Not exactly how I would put it, but basically...you see as my money begins to stream into the rest of America’s money soon the whole country will be touching it and along with that, touching my invisible powder that will give everyone the diseases of Richness. What is Richness diseases you ask?
Hired Good Leader: If you say so boss.
Rich Boy Jay: It is going to teach the world what it is like to want to own everything in the world with the help of money.
Hired Goon Leader: But boss, most people not have lots of money?
Rich Boy Jay: And that is where the fun will begin...now go draw me a bath and don’t forget my rubber duckys this time...you know that makes me feel sadder than a poor person who can only afford HBO and not all of the premium channels.
(The movie again switches scene to the White House’s oval office as Hasselhoff, Khloe and George Foreman wait for the President of USA.)
Doctor ICE: I am going to steal something, you know as a souvenir, something that will impress the ladies.
Doctor Chelsea: I am right here.
Doctor ICE: Come on this is the sequel, time for a new beginning at first and then in the end we love each other again...besides what harm will it do if I take this coaster, or notepad...or this pillow.
General Punchgrill: No Doctor ICE! Give me back that pillow.
(The two begin to each pull on the couch’s throw pillow until it splits open and of course in a sea of feathers in walks John Stamos playing the part of President U.S.A.)
President U.S.A.: Don’t have a cow now; it is just my pretty man face coming in.
Doctor ICE: Shouldn’t that be some sort of chicken pun?
General Punchgrill: Yeah, I mean with the feathers and all.
Doctor Chelsea: Really, I think he is dreamy, I mean the pun was dreamy, I mean, he is dreamy.
President U.S.A.: Yeah, I get that a lot...(winks at Khloe who is playing Dr. Chelsea)...but anyways to this whole Outbreak nonsense.
General Punchgrill: Yes, sir, my latest report said that nearly 90% of the South has already been diagnosed with the Richness Virus Disease.
President U.S.A.: Yes, but when do actually important people start getting affected.
Doctor ICE: Damnit President, the South does matter. I mean if it went away think of the blows to the economy as far as Nascar...and um, jokes about the South...oh and Moonshine!
President U.S.A.: Fine I will let you all try and help figure out the cure to this richness problem...besides I am sure there is someone special in the South worth saving.
(The movie switches from the oval office to a small southern town with the sun beating down on the shoulders of Gilbert Godfrey as Frank.)
Frank: I am special...I am special...I am sad...so sad.
(Frank begins to dig into his pockets and pulls out the money in there, he looks at it like it fresh water to a man lost in the desert.)
Frank: I feel like buying things...things will make me happy...I feel so sad...need to be happy.
(He begins to run towards town with drool flowing from his lips and his money firmly clinched in his fists.)
Frank: I want to buy balloons, and bubbles and bubble bath...and other things that start with the Letter P...like a Brain!
(The movie switches back to the actors playing the army team of doctors.)
Doctor ICE: I think I just found a huge break through.
Doctor Chelsea: Me too...look I just tapped into the secret service camera feed...now I can watch President U.S.A. in the shower and in the nu-nevermind.
Doctor ICE: If I wasn’t so smart and sexy, I would find that offensive. Now look at this, the data I took off of one of these forged dollar bills. Some toxin that makes you at first sad but then leaves you will a hungry for money in which to fill the many voids the sadness opens up.
Doctor Chelsea: Sounds like typical rich kid sickness. But who would behind such a thing? Donald Trump? Bill Gates? Richie Rich from those nerdy cartoons?
Doctor ICE: Or maybe we just look at the other side of the bill, the one that contains his face.
Doctor Chelsea: Oh my...it is the World’s 232nd Most Hardcore Villain...Rich Boy Jay!
Doctor ICE: He doesn’t look hardcore to me.
Doctor Chelsea: No, but he is annoying and spiteful, plus he has a lot of money, so people pretend to like him a lot in hopes of a free car.
(The movie switches to outside the white house where Rich Boy Jay and his team of Hired Goons are using the secret tunnel to sneak into the President’s home.)
Rich Boy Jay: We are almost in, the whole country is dealing with my outbreak, leaving me with the perfect chance to kill President U.S.A!!
Hired Goon Leader: Why you hate this man so much?
Rich Boy Jay: Because he stole my woman away from me?!
Hired Goon Leader: You girlfriend?
Rich Boy Jay: No....MY MOM! She hasn’t called since she got the Dvd Box Set of the Complete Series of Full House.
Hired Goon Leader: Oh, that good one, fun to watch Michelle grow up in front of your very eyes. Plus Stamos is so cool, reason I voted him to become President U.S.A.
Rich Boy Jay: Just shut up and break down these doors with the help of goons.
(The movie switches over to the other side of the doors where President U.S.A. played by John Stamos is giving General Punchgrill a few gifts.)
President U.S.A.: So in thanks to your hard work this week I got you this gift.
(He hands George Foreman an envelope that he opens with a queer eye.)
General Punchgrill: It is 4 dollars and 75 cents.
President U.S.A.: It was my change after I bought my hair coloring this morning.
General Punchgrill: Shouldn’t someone else make runs to the store for you?
President U.S.A.: Eh, everyone here hates me, you know because of my good looks...and lately it really makes me sad.
General Punchgrill: I feel sad too, like I am nothing but a hamburger cooked with all its grease not dripped off into an easy to clean tray.
President U.S.A.: I feel like crying.
General Punchgrill: I feel like BUYing.
President U.S.A.: You know I feel like buying too...maybe I will buy a helicopter...no I have one of those...or then maybe a dog...wait I have one of those...I know a Helicopter Dog! Do they exist?
General Punchgrill: I want to buy a Word Championship, for I miss the ring...what do they call that...buying a World Champ title?
President U.S.A.: A "Pulling a Cairo" I believe.
(The camera switches shots to show two new members to the room.)
Doctor ICE: No, stop...first because we are supposed be making fun of Omega, not Cairo, but also you both are infested with Richness Disease!
Doctor Chelsea: Also I think it is all Rich Boy Jay’s doing...also President U.S.A. you are not as sexy when you cry.
President U.S.A.: I know...I need to buy a few dozen face lifts!
Rich Boy Jay: Sorry President, but no time for such things...for I am President now.
General Punchgrill: Wow, that is how it works...well then I am President now!!
Doctor ICE: That doesn’t seem right, but just in case...I am President now!!!
(Just then an actor impersonating President Obama comes walking into the room.)
President Obama: Actually people you are all wrong and also trespassing.
Hired Goon Leader: DIE!
(A cast of hired goons begin to fight Obama, who like ninja begins to fight all of them.)
President U.S.A.: Remind me to hire that guy as my new head of secret service.
General Punchgrill: Hey, where are those guys anyhow?
President U.S.A.: They were so serious and formal and they were making me sad...so I gave them all the weekend off...now who wants to play on the moon, I think I am going to buy it.
General Punchgrill: Oh, I call Jupiter and Saturn and...uh...damn, I can’t remember any other planets.
Rich Boy Jay: HAS EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT ME OR WHAT?!!! I mean HELLO, I am the bad guy, the biggest threat around after all.
Doctor ICE: You are? Hmmmm....
(Hasselhoff knocks Justin Bieber down with a single punch.)
Rich Boy Jay: Damnit, where are my hired goons.
Hired Goon Leader: WE are free people! WE ARE FREE!!
(All the hired goons run away as Khloe looks over at Hasselhoff.)
Doctor Chelsea: Well he is defeated, but what about the Outbreak...the Richness Virus?
Doctor ICE: Eh, fuck finding a cure; I figure a free market will figure itself out.
Doctor Chelsea: God Bless America.
Doctor ICE: Besides no one watches the sequel...especially when it is just about Jay Omega, right?
Rich Boy Jay: (wakes up)...hey...that...was...mean!
(Frank played by Gilbert Godfrey runs into the scene and begins to stab Justin over and over...and over...in fact a little more than the script called for...until finally he passes out on the top of Justin’s body.)
Frank: Oh man, so many teenage girls are jealous of me; first time for that.
Doctor ICE: What to Rain man that shit Frank.
Frank: I was just doing my best Omega man joke.
Doctor Chelsea: That was a tasteless joke, but made by a mentally challenged character aka give Frank an Academy award.
Frank: Talk about who should have been the star of What's Eating Gilbert Grape, I mean screw Leo my name actually is Gilbert.
(Gilbert the actor pretends to die smiling as the movie goes on.)
Doctor ICE: Is it too late to mention how weird things always get in a sequel?
Doctor Chelsea: Right, now back to the subject of us.
Doctor ICE: My van is parked outside and is has a back seat...
Doctor Chelsea: And...
Doctor ICE: And I caught of bit of the Richness Virus, meaning I am sad enough to want fore-play, but greedy enough to want to buy you diamonds after.
Doctor Chelsea: Okay, that’s good enough for me.
(The two run from the oval office like two people riding together into the sunset in the name of a happy ending leaving the general and president left to send us off.)
President U.S.A.: I want to buy you a real grill.
General Punchgrill: Me too...I miss grease.
President U.S.A.: You know what would be fun?
General Punchgrill: If bought the Washington Redskins and renamed them the Washington George Foreman Grills?
President U.S.A.: Yeah, that would, but it would also be fun to give Rich Boy Jay my virus...called Herpes.
(Foreman begins to drag Bieber towards Stamos as the movie fades to black.)
THE END
Look for the following On Demand and at Red Box over the next few weeks...
As long with the return of Natural ICE Beckman in...Outbreak 3: Everyone Gets Cool. (Opening Date TBA)
OUTBREAK: THE THICKNESS/ OUTBREAK II: THE RICHNESS
