Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Mar 11, 2015 0:10:58 GMT -5
(It begins by floating out of the arena, then through the night skies that sparkle with stars and then higher and higher until everything becomes dark and then it becomes white like clouds, big billowy clouds that seem so thick you could stand on them and finally the clouds part and Saint Peter opens his arms to welcome you to the gates.)
Saint Peter: Don’t worry for death is only the beginning, for the lord creator God himself along with some advice from his Son made sure that a blessed existence was reward hence, Welcome to WCF Heaven, ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: What is going on? Why am I here? Where is ICE Beckman? Where is the World Title?
Saint Peter: Well I am sorry to be the bearer of badness, but ICE lost the title meaning.
ICE AGE: I am no more.
Saint Peter: Hell next week Seth even has a funeral for you.
ICE AGE: Hey, spoiler alert!
Saint Peter: Don’t worry, you will have plenty to deal with up here.
ICE AGE: But what about ICE? Is he okay?
Saint Peter: Well he is going to get a World title shot at XIII against Jay Omega and Bobby Cairo.
ICE AGE: And if ICE wins do I get to go back to earth with ICE Beckman?
Saint Peter: Sorry but it is a one way street, but don’t worry, there is a lot to do up here in heaven, now I have like 8,000 golden gates to work every second, so if we could move this along already.
ICE AGE: But ICE, is he okay?
Saint Peter: Someone in there will help you figure it out, but I will live you with this little tidbit...don’t eat God’s lunch out of the community fridge.
ICE AGE: Why?
Saint Peter: Let’s just say, the last guy to do that is now the devil.
ICE AGE: You mean he stole...
Saint Peter: Yep and then bam, all the way down for the three count.
ICE AGE: Aw, that reminds me of how I was born.
Saint Peter: Alright, move it along, I heard Malaysian Airlines is back in business so who knows when the next big rush of people will be coming.
(The being known as ICE AGE enters through the gates of WCF Heaven. He looks around at many different levels and stages of cloud that float along the sky while be connected to one another by a series of golden rope bridges. The ICE AGE begins to take a few step forwards when a little Tinkerbell like creature comes flying up to his face.)
Saint Luke: Hey there ICE AGE, I am Saint Luke, you angel guide to WCF Heaven.
ICE AGE: You are an angel? But you are so small?
Saint Luke: It’s the new thing, think of us like heaven’s cell phones, the smaller the cooler. And yes Saint Peter is the Zach Morris of cell phones right now with his normal size. But enough about us, are you excited to be here?
ICE AGE: Well I did just find out I am dead and never returning.
Saint Luke: Yeah, but don’t worry because there are lots of friends of up here for you to get to know. The WCF is full of interesting characters and many of them have pasts that have also left earth forever. In fact here comes one of them now.
(A super steroid Seth comes walking up dressed in amateur wrestling tights._
Wrestling Seth: Who is this little punk?
Saint Luke: He is new here, he is the ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: Who the fuck are you?
Wrestling Seth: I am the great Seth Lerch...back when he took care of his business like a man and actually wrestled!
Saint Luke: I think I heard he is wrestling in a match at XIII this week.
Wrestling Seth: Hah, he doesn’t stand a chance without me, just like ICE Beckman doesn’t without you!
ICE AGE: Hey! Watch your mouth, I love that guy!
Wrestling Seth: Hey if you want to fight about it, that’s cool.
(But before things escalated any farther a yelling voice comes storming over a yellow brick bridge.)
Sober Price: Wrestling Seth, stop right there, I know it was you who replaced my vitamin water vodka!
Wrestling Seth: I sure did, wanna fight me now?
Sober Price: No, I already said a silent prayer forgiving you, but I just wanted to let you know that. I mean you know I am training to win the Heaven marathon for the 10th straight year.
Saint Like: Wow Sober Price, if only Jayson Price down on earth was as sober and straight edge as you, think of all the things he could accomplish.
Wrestling Seth: At least Jayson Price on earth gets laid every now and then.
Sober Price: I told you the key to being the best is hard work, purification and clean living.
ICE AGE: I don’t know, one of the best things I did on earth involved me and a couple of ladies...and there was nothing clean about it.
Saint Luke: Ah, ICE AGE, here comes a few chaps that I think you might be interested in meeting, especially with this XIII coming up.
(A baby dressed in nothing but a diaper and a thick black beard comes riding up in a stroller being pushed by a young looking Jay Omega, who is dressed like a reject from the grunge music scene.)
Baby Bobby: Push harder you little penis having Pot-head!
Slacker Omega: Give me a break, I only slept in till noon today, god damn, I need a nap.
Saint Luke: Meet Baby Bobby, he represents Bobby Cairo’s first title reign which happened when he was just a fresh wrestler in the business, hence the baby form.
Baby Bobby: But my dick is still adult size, you can believe that bitches...or do I need to show you all.
Sober Price: Please I do not need to see that again; the first five times were plenty.
Wrestling Seth: What you talking about? I didn’t see anything because it is so small.
Baby Bobby: How about I put it down your throat, you will see how big it is when you are choking on it.
Saint Luke: Okay, okay, you all know God has a strict no punching babies rule.
Slacker Omega: What a big narc that God guy is, I mean him and all his “rules” huh, maybe if I could find the energy someday I will break one of his....(yawns)...huh...what we were talking about?
Saint Luke: And this is Slacker Omega, he represents the portion of Jay life where he took time off to enjoy his easy boy rich kid life.
ICE AGE: I am pretty sure he was just running from the mighty shadow of Me!
Slacker Omega: Running? More like taking a limo, but yeah that pretty much is it.
Sober Price: Hey, people, it is time to head over to the meeting.
Saint Luke: Oh yes, I almost forgot about the meeting.
ICE AGE: A welcome party for me? Or no, a gathering of people to watch movie that is in real time of all the many months of the ICE AGE?
Baby Bobby: People care about that about as much as they care about my diaper rash; which by the way is really getting bad if anyone wants to sprinkle some baby powder on it. Anyone?
Slacker Omega: We should go to the meeting.
Sober Price: Yes, we should...and like right now.
(ICE AGE follows the flying Saint Luke as they walk along the clouds until they come to a great hall. Then find a pair of seats inside a ring chairs that create a circle like you might see at an AA meeting. The walls are covered with great giant paintings from WCF history and has a simple card table set up in the corner filled with snacks, treats and coffee.)
ICE AGE: What is this meeting about?
Saint Luke: Well, a couple of years ago God started to noticed that a lot of his heavens, like this one, made up of dead pasts where getting restless and depressed. At first he tried a holy war of sorts, but that was a real stale mate, hard to kill someone who is already dead. So he went with his only other idea, meetings in which we gather and talk about the things that we are feeling.
ICE AGE: Sounds stupid and pointless.
Saint Luke: Yeah, but it comes with free doughnuts, so it isn’t so bad...no shhh the meeting is about to start.
(ICE AGE takes a look around the room and sees a lot of the WCF personalities he knew back down on earth, including: a girl who looks like Chelsea but is wearing a large frown, a guy who looks like Joey Flash but is just sitting with perfect posture to match a genuine smile, a guy who sort of resembles ZMAC but with a clean look with wide bright eyes, another huge man who looks just like Alex Richards but he is wearing a polo shirt and a wig and finally he sees WCF head official Stan Moser, who is dressed like an Italian sleaze ball ladies man.)
Wrestling Seth: Alright, alright, shut up the meeting is about to start and anyone who doesn’t like that can meet me outside...got it?...Okay?...So anyone want to fight?
Baby Bobby: No one wants to fight you...let’s move onto new business...my rash is getting worse, so-
(Every jeers to quiet him down.)
Sober Price: I have new news up for debate, who would like to start a running club?....No one? Okay...how about a sprinting club, or a math team or...oh...oh a Bread Baking class!
(Again the group remains quiet.)
Just Joe: Maybe we could spend some time talking about things we like about one another? For example I really like the look of the new guy, he is rugged and tough looking.
Human McMorris: I really do give a shit what are talking about, so can we focus.
Sane Alex: I think we should talk about real things, like who misses paying taxes or the simple smell of a nice candle.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: How about we all figure out how I can ditch my husband Selfer, all he wants to do is take me to see Dolphins.
Sexy Stan Moser: One night with me babe and you won’t ever think about him again.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Sexy Stan, you smell like an entire bottle of cologne mixed with the smell of sausage.
Baby Bobby: If sausage is what you need I am your man...er, baby.
Wrestling Seth: Oh come on now, if God has rules against punching babies he must have a few about having sex with them.
Slacker Omega: Who wants to have sex with another person, when you masturbate you can just pass out in your own filth without even closing the computer...talk about heaven.
Sane Alex: Touching oneself might feel natural, but I believe it is a sin, right Saint Luke?
Saint Luke: Why do I feel like our conversations always go back to the penis?
Sober Price: I blame Baby Bobby.
Just Joe: Yeah, I would say it’s because of Bobby.
Human McMorris: It is definitely because of Baby Bobby.
Baby Bobby: Listen all I am hearing is, “ I hope Baby Bobby shows his thickness tonight.”
Sober Price: Oh lord, please, does someone have some new business to bring up now?
ICE AGE: Yeah, I do.
(The whole group looks over at the new guy.)
ICE AGE: What the fuck is wrong with all you?!!
Wrestling Seth: That sounds like fighting words!
Human McMorris: Be quiet Wrestling Seth, I give a shit about what he is about to say.
ICE AGE: You all sit up like a bunch of old dead farts.
Slacker Omega: That is what we are...(farts)...hehehe.
Sane Alex: How immature.
ICE AGE: You sit here and whine like idiots, meanwhile down there, back on earth, those people are really living.
Just Joe: He does understand how getting to heaven works right?
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Shut up, he is sexy when he gets mad.
Sexy Stan Moser: Then you might as well call me The Hulk.
ICE AGE: We should be talking about XIII?!!
Saint Luke: Um, ICE AGE, we aren’t really allowed to talk about down there in an envious way?
ICE AGE: Sounds like this place needs me.
Sober Price: It sounds like he is going to motivate us to get up and do things! Yeah!
Slacker Omega: Urgh, I don’t like where this is going.
ICE AGE: Good, I mean think about it...all of you! What are even up to these days?
Baby Bobby: Like 2 inches...but for a baby that is a good sized thickness!
ICE AGE: Fine, let’s start with you then Baby Bobby.
Baby Bobby: So can I show my thing now or what?
ICE AGE: Bobby Fucking Cairo is like a Sheppard right now down on Earth. He has a whole fucking line of mindless jobber sheep who follow him like his words aren’t repetitive and his style is fucking stale. Yet you are up here, with diaper rash up to your lower back.
Baby Bobby: I was hoping people wouldn’t notice that.
ICE AGE: He is the Fucking WCF World Champion...a stolen title yes...but still he is the Champion of the World and you are begging for baby powder. He might be the biggest piece of garbage I know, a man so drunk on himself he should get rid of his mirrors as a way of getting back to reality sober...but he at least is a man, with the eyes on the prize...not just some baby who likes to talk about his dick.
Saint Luke: Actually, from what I have seen that is about right for Cairo these days.
ICE AGE: Fine, bad fucking example, but what about you Slacker Omega?!
Slacker Omega: What? Who? What? I was just about to nap...why did you have to ruin that.
ICE AGE: Because Jay Omega is down on earth right now with the WCF Hardcore Title strapped around his little bitch waist! Meanwhile you are up asleep.
Slacker Omega: Almost Asleep!...and that guys is jealous of me...I got to watch Magnum P.I. today, I got to play my Super Nintendo, I got to eat half a container of cheese balls, then fall asleep and then wake up and eat the other half of the cheese balls. I am the lucky one, he is just some fake ass Omega Man...I mean like, what is that? Some sort of Super Hero...more like Super Zero.
(Others laugh at his joke while Slacker Omega begins to slunk down in his chair to nap.)
ICE AGE: I mean this whole place is full of second hand stars!
Sober Price: Wow that sounds like fighting words, right Wrestling Seth?
Wrestling Seth: No...he is right...I am jealous of Alive Earth Seth. He is the big boss, the coolest guy around, everyone looks up to him.
ICE AGE: Well let’s not go too far. But come on, Sober Price, you know you are bored...you know you are lame...you know you are nothing now.
Sober Price: I am all that I...can...be...damn, I am bored...does Heaven have booze?
Sane Alex: I believe they do in Sinatra heaven, but I heard that’s a tough place to get into.
ICE AGE: I mean you all should be focusing on XIII...HELL so should I?!
(The room goes to state of stunned quietness.)
Saint Luke: We don’t really like to scream the H word up here.
Baby Bobby: Yeah, it upsets the cloud daddy.
Human McMorris: Cloud daddy? He name is God.
Baby Bobby: Well give me a break already, I am just a baby...who by the way, does have breast feeding needs.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Don’t wink at me Baby Bobby, my husband Selfer has a better chance than you.
ICE AGE: Oh, well if he doesn’t like it...the man...the king...the lord...well then it is only in my nature to say-
Saint Luke: Don’t please, you are new...too new.
ICE AGE: HELL FUCKING HELL...THIS IS HELL HELL HELL!!!
(Lighting strikes and the room shakes.)
Sane Alex: I think we should all stay calm and act normal.
Just Joe: I am sure he will be nice to ICE, I mean ICE rhymes with nice after all...and I have no reason to attack him.
(The room begins to shake more as lighting begins to rain around the room like strobe lights.)
Sexy Stan Moser: Fine, I will flirt with him until he relaxes, I can do that.
Saint Luke: Not now Sexy Stan, not now at all.
Human McMorris: I do give lots of shit about God’s words and shit...but ICE AGE is right, I am jealous of my earth persona.
(Lighting strikes the room and the roof blows off!)
Sober Price: I think it is time for my mid-afternoon jog before my late-afternoon yoga session...go I must go.
Wrestling Seth: I wanted a fair fight, not to just get my ass kicked, so I am going to head out as well.
Baby Bobby: Can someone wake up Slacker Omega, I need to be carried home, since I do-
(The clouds begins to darken as storm comes towards where the ceiling used to be.)
Baby Bobby: Never mind my dick jokes, SLACKER OMEGA GET ME OUT OF HERE...NOW!!!
Slacker Omega: What? Huh?...It’s not time for me to actually work, is it?
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: I think it is time for a lot of us to head out. But first...
(Chelsea “Black” Armstrong plants a big kiss right on the lips of ICE AGE.)
ICE AGE: Very nice.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: If you survive this...give my cloud a call.
(And suddenly a final lighting strike empties the room of every being but ICE AGE and Saint Luke.)
ICE AGE: What the fuck is going on?
Saint Luke: To be honest...I just peed myself.
ICE AGE: What?
(The booming voice acts like entrance music as his giant spirit comes thundering down.)
GOD: Who dares Question My Life After Death?!!!
Saint Luke: .....not me sir...not me at all.
ICE AGE: Hey, what the hell? I thought we were friends.
Saint Luke: See sir, he said it again...Punish Him, Punish Him NOW!!! Hehehehe!!
(God reaches down and flicks Saint Luke like a nat.)
GOD: Ha Ha Ha...that was fun...Now to you ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: No wait, I get to go first.
GOD: Ha Ha Ha...No One Speaks to me like that.
ICE AGE: Yeah, and the world has never seen an ICE AGE before.
GOD: Actually I killed off a lot of dinosaurs with one.
ICE AGE: You think you can kill me don’t you?
GOD: I can kill anyone I want...and if you need examples just out Hollywood over the last 50 years.
ICE AGE: But the ICE AGE will never be dead...and let me tell you why.
GOD: Go ahead and do your shot...
ICE AGE: How did you know I wanted to...oh, yeah, never mind.
GOD: Just get if off your chest, I have to appear in a Harrison Ford dream in about 20 minutes in order to convince him to stop flying planes in order to make Stars Wars 8 and 9.
ICE AGE: First off, why the shit are WCF wrestlers only represented by a single moment in our lives, I mean shouldn’t there be like a Sober ICE as well, or a baby Chelsea, or a sorta sane Alex? I mean how exactly does that work?
GOD: Well...in response to that I say.
(The biggest lighting strike hits with a thunderous boom like a thousand cannons.)
ICE AGE: SO, you are saying, just talk about my shit, I get it.
GOD: Sounds like the smart plan, don’t want to end up like Pope Benedict, right?
ICE AGE: Isn’t that guy still alive?
GOD: That’s what I want you to think...now go ahead with your rant.
ICE AGE: Thanks, you are actually really nice.
GOD: Tell that to the Jews...I mean, go ahead with the rant.
ICE AGE: How did I begin? I pinned the World Champ...Steve Orbit. And how did he respond to my creation? He became a fan, a friend and an ally. But how did I end? With ICE standing outside the ring, his shoulders nowhere near the mat...needless to say it was a shock to me. Like the same feeling a mother feels when her baby is ripped from her arms just moments after birth.
GOD: Not sure about that, I mean I have watched things happen in Southeast Asia that would make you think twice about that last statement.
ICE AGE: Please God; you said this was my time.
GOD: Sorry...sorry...you’re right.
ICE AGE: I am always right; I am the ICE AGE after all.
GOD: You sure are, and by the way, how is Chelsea in the sack, I mean I try to watch, but you guys always turn off the lights...wait, never mind...it is your turn to talk.
ICE AGE: That it is...and yeah she is an animal...but back to business...ICE Beckman is fighting at XIII and he is doing so without me...but I don’t think that is exactly true. You see I am still inside ICE...the fuel to his fire, the passion to his dreams, the starter of his hate, the finisher of his love...I am ICE Beckman and nothing you or Bobby Cairo or Seth Lerch can do will kill that.
(The ICE AGE is keeping his eyes locked up towards GOD.)
ICE AGE: Let’s start with Jay Omega. He is just another cut and paste rich boy with a funny face but little behind the curtain in which to actually offer. I mean the fucking guy sits in his car to talk shit. I mean that is like how to fucking talk shit 101. He likes to seem out there, but in reality the guy is not only inside the box, he is helping create what the box is. Being rich in the wrestling world is like walking to the ring with a broken leg, it is only going to slow you down and make you want to tap out earlier. He has nothing to fight for but what others think of him...which in the end makes the road to follow more likely to end with a cliff to jump off for an easy escape.
(GOD takes a seat on the side of the building as he knows this is going to take a bit.)
ICE AGE: He might show off his world, he might brag about his life, but in the end it is all a mask. He isn’t as funny as he wants, he isn’t as creative as he dreams and he for sure as shit in the ring isn’t as hardcore as that title around his waist says. In fact he is grasping at straws these days just hoping not to find the short one. For he speaks a confident game, but he plays a much different one as he looks up at ICE Beckman and as he looks up at the Godfather. They are WCF while he is still just trying to establish himself, so at XIII, I have a feeling he will be waiting for his name to dry in the concrete will too established Kings of Wrestling battle it out.
GOD: Harsh words, don’t you think?
ICE AGE: I wasn’t born with kindness, now fucking don’t interrupt.
(GOD gives an apology nod as ICE AGE continues.)
ICE AGE: And there is the liar, the thief, the coward who runs the streets like he owns them as he hides in the shadows from anyone who might tell him otherwise...Bobby Fucking Cairo. You see beating him was my biggest thing, it made me truly ME! OR DID IT?
GOD: I don’t know, did it?...And I don’t say that too often.
ICE AGE: Bobby was a building block for the ICE AGE, but just that...a building block. Just because the sheep liked to bah his name, just because the sheep liked to think of him as the Sheppard doesn’t mean he was the reason the flock went where they did...for you see the reason was me...the Wolf...in the woods, hunting them as I liked. I controlled the World, I made the graze here and there, it was mine, not Bobby’s and how did he take that from me? By killing my brother...
(GOD seems confused.)
ICE AGE: But I am not my brother, am I?
(GOD seems more confused.)
ICE AGE: No, I am me, hence I am still alive, still hunting, still out there, stalking, running and ready to feast...so Bobby can parade around with my title like he has earned something, but he knows like you know, he has nothing but a tainted title on his hands. And he needs XIII, he needs to pin me to truly earn that title and he knows if I can pin him and take back my title than that is fucking two for fucking two. He knows I am the fucking best around, he knows he isn’t even thinking about Jay Omega, he knows I am the hunter right now and he is the vermin, just hoping to scram away.
GOD: You are speaking like you are still with ICE, but like Saint Peter told you it is a one way road; you will never be a part of him again.
ICE AGE: But we got a match to win.
GOD: Enough with this!!!
(GOD bursts away like a comet leaving ICE AGE in the room with no roof by himself.)
ICE AGE: Calzone taught me how to deal with this...just head for the sewers turtle style.
(Natural ICE Beckman rolls over in his Foam Lake bed and opens his eyes He blinks a few time before truly seeing something paranormal looking at him.)
ICE: Is that a ghost of fucking me?
ICE AGE: I’ll be back...
ICE: Arnold Schwarzeneggar?
ICE AGE: Urgh. No, like I will be back and you will be a Champ again.
ICE: Oh, I fucking get it...cool.
(ICE rolls over and wakes up Chelsea.)
Chelsea: What is it?
ICE: I just saw a ghost that looked just like me.
Chelsea: Well you said this is a weird week.
ICE: Good point...okay, good night.
Chelsea: Good night hun.
WCF Heaven's Past
Saint Peter: Don’t worry for death is only the beginning, for the lord creator God himself along with some advice from his Son made sure that a blessed existence was reward hence, Welcome to WCF Heaven, ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: What is going on? Why am I here? Where is ICE Beckman? Where is the World Title?
Saint Peter: Well I am sorry to be the bearer of badness, but ICE lost the title meaning.
ICE AGE: I am no more.
Saint Peter: Hell next week Seth even has a funeral for you.
ICE AGE: Hey, spoiler alert!
Saint Peter: Don’t worry, you will have plenty to deal with up here.
ICE AGE: But what about ICE? Is he okay?
Saint Peter: Well he is going to get a World title shot at XIII against Jay Omega and Bobby Cairo.
ICE AGE: And if ICE wins do I get to go back to earth with ICE Beckman?
Saint Peter: Sorry but it is a one way street, but don’t worry, there is a lot to do up here in heaven, now I have like 8,000 golden gates to work every second, so if we could move this along already.
ICE AGE: But ICE, is he okay?
Saint Peter: Someone in there will help you figure it out, but I will live you with this little tidbit...don’t eat God’s lunch out of the community fridge.
ICE AGE: Why?
Saint Peter: Let’s just say, the last guy to do that is now the devil.
ICE AGE: You mean he stole...
Saint Peter: Yep and then bam, all the way down for the three count.
ICE AGE: Aw, that reminds me of how I was born.
Saint Peter: Alright, move it along, I heard Malaysian Airlines is back in business so who knows when the next big rush of people will be coming.
(The being known as ICE AGE enters through the gates of WCF Heaven. He looks around at many different levels and stages of cloud that float along the sky while be connected to one another by a series of golden rope bridges. The ICE AGE begins to take a few step forwards when a little Tinkerbell like creature comes flying up to his face.)
Saint Luke: Hey there ICE AGE, I am Saint Luke, you angel guide to WCF Heaven.
ICE AGE: You are an angel? But you are so small?
Saint Luke: It’s the new thing, think of us like heaven’s cell phones, the smaller the cooler. And yes Saint Peter is the Zach Morris of cell phones right now with his normal size. But enough about us, are you excited to be here?
ICE AGE: Well I did just find out I am dead and never returning.
Saint Luke: Yeah, but don’t worry because there are lots of friends of up here for you to get to know. The WCF is full of interesting characters and many of them have pasts that have also left earth forever. In fact here comes one of them now.
(A super steroid Seth comes walking up dressed in amateur wrestling tights._
Wrestling Seth: Who is this little punk?
Saint Luke: He is new here, he is the ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: Who the fuck are you?
Wrestling Seth: I am the great Seth Lerch...back when he took care of his business like a man and actually wrestled!
Saint Luke: I think I heard he is wrestling in a match at XIII this week.
Wrestling Seth: Hah, he doesn’t stand a chance without me, just like ICE Beckman doesn’t without you!
ICE AGE: Hey! Watch your mouth, I love that guy!
Wrestling Seth: Hey if you want to fight about it, that’s cool.
(But before things escalated any farther a yelling voice comes storming over a yellow brick bridge.)
Sober Price: Wrestling Seth, stop right there, I know it was you who replaced my vitamin water vodka!
Wrestling Seth: I sure did, wanna fight me now?
Sober Price: No, I already said a silent prayer forgiving you, but I just wanted to let you know that. I mean you know I am training to win the Heaven marathon for the 10th straight year.
Saint Like: Wow Sober Price, if only Jayson Price down on earth was as sober and straight edge as you, think of all the things he could accomplish.
Wrestling Seth: At least Jayson Price on earth gets laid every now and then.
Sober Price: I told you the key to being the best is hard work, purification and clean living.
ICE AGE: I don’t know, one of the best things I did on earth involved me and a couple of ladies...and there was nothing clean about it.
Saint Luke: Ah, ICE AGE, here comes a few chaps that I think you might be interested in meeting, especially with this XIII coming up.
(A baby dressed in nothing but a diaper and a thick black beard comes riding up in a stroller being pushed by a young looking Jay Omega, who is dressed like a reject from the grunge music scene.)
Baby Bobby: Push harder you little penis having Pot-head!
Slacker Omega: Give me a break, I only slept in till noon today, god damn, I need a nap.
Saint Luke: Meet Baby Bobby, he represents Bobby Cairo’s first title reign which happened when he was just a fresh wrestler in the business, hence the baby form.
Baby Bobby: But my dick is still adult size, you can believe that bitches...or do I need to show you all.
Sober Price: Please I do not need to see that again; the first five times were plenty.
Wrestling Seth: What you talking about? I didn’t see anything because it is so small.
Baby Bobby: How about I put it down your throat, you will see how big it is when you are choking on it.
Saint Luke: Okay, okay, you all know God has a strict no punching babies rule.
Slacker Omega: What a big narc that God guy is, I mean him and all his “rules” huh, maybe if I could find the energy someday I will break one of his....(yawns)...huh...what we were talking about?
Saint Luke: And this is Slacker Omega, he represents the portion of Jay life where he took time off to enjoy his easy boy rich kid life.
ICE AGE: I am pretty sure he was just running from the mighty shadow of Me!
Slacker Omega: Running? More like taking a limo, but yeah that pretty much is it.
Sober Price: Hey, people, it is time to head over to the meeting.
Saint Luke: Oh yes, I almost forgot about the meeting.
ICE AGE: A welcome party for me? Or no, a gathering of people to watch movie that is in real time of all the many months of the ICE AGE?
Baby Bobby: People care about that about as much as they care about my diaper rash; which by the way is really getting bad if anyone wants to sprinkle some baby powder on it. Anyone?
Slacker Omega: We should go to the meeting.
Sober Price: Yes, we should...and like right now.
(ICE AGE follows the flying Saint Luke as they walk along the clouds until they come to a great hall. Then find a pair of seats inside a ring chairs that create a circle like you might see at an AA meeting. The walls are covered with great giant paintings from WCF history and has a simple card table set up in the corner filled with snacks, treats and coffee.)
ICE AGE: What is this meeting about?
Saint Luke: Well, a couple of years ago God started to noticed that a lot of his heavens, like this one, made up of dead pasts where getting restless and depressed. At first he tried a holy war of sorts, but that was a real stale mate, hard to kill someone who is already dead. So he went with his only other idea, meetings in which we gather and talk about the things that we are feeling.
ICE AGE: Sounds stupid and pointless.
Saint Luke: Yeah, but it comes with free doughnuts, so it isn’t so bad...no shhh the meeting is about to start.
(ICE AGE takes a look around the room and sees a lot of the WCF personalities he knew back down on earth, including: a girl who looks like Chelsea but is wearing a large frown, a guy who looks like Joey Flash but is just sitting with perfect posture to match a genuine smile, a guy who sort of resembles ZMAC but with a clean look with wide bright eyes, another huge man who looks just like Alex Richards but he is wearing a polo shirt and a wig and finally he sees WCF head official Stan Moser, who is dressed like an Italian sleaze ball ladies man.)
Wrestling Seth: Alright, alright, shut up the meeting is about to start and anyone who doesn’t like that can meet me outside...got it?...Okay?...So anyone want to fight?
Baby Bobby: No one wants to fight you...let’s move onto new business...my rash is getting worse, so-
(Every jeers to quiet him down.)
Sober Price: I have new news up for debate, who would like to start a running club?....No one? Okay...how about a sprinting club, or a math team or...oh...oh a Bread Baking class!
(Again the group remains quiet.)
Just Joe: Maybe we could spend some time talking about things we like about one another? For example I really like the look of the new guy, he is rugged and tough looking.
Human McMorris: I really do give a shit what are talking about, so can we focus.
Sane Alex: I think we should talk about real things, like who misses paying taxes or the simple smell of a nice candle.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: How about we all figure out how I can ditch my husband Selfer, all he wants to do is take me to see Dolphins.
Sexy Stan Moser: One night with me babe and you won’t ever think about him again.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Sexy Stan, you smell like an entire bottle of cologne mixed with the smell of sausage.
Baby Bobby: If sausage is what you need I am your man...er, baby.
Wrestling Seth: Oh come on now, if God has rules against punching babies he must have a few about having sex with them.
Slacker Omega: Who wants to have sex with another person, when you masturbate you can just pass out in your own filth without even closing the computer...talk about heaven.
Sane Alex: Touching oneself might feel natural, but I believe it is a sin, right Saint Luke?
Saint Luke: Why do I feel like our conversations always go back to the penis?
Sober Price: I blame Baby Bobby.
Just Joe: Yeah, I would say it’s because of Bobby.
Human McMorris: It is definitely because of Baby Bobby.
Baby Bobby: Listen all I am hearing is, “ I hope Baby Bobby shows his thickness tonight.”
Sober Price: Oh lord, please, does someone have some new business to bring up now?
ICE AGE: Yeah, I do.
(The whole group looks over at the new guy.)
ICE AGE: What the fuck is wrong with all you?!!
Wrestling Seth: That sounds like fighting words!
Human McMorris: Be quiet Wrestling Seth, I give a shit about what he is about to say.
ICE AGE: You all sit up like a bunch of old dead farts.
Slacker Omega: That is what we are...(farts)...hehehe.
Sane Alex: How immature.
ICE AGE: You sit here and whine like idiots, meanwhile down there, back on earth, those people are really living.
Just Joe: He does understand how getting to heaven works right?
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Shut up, he is sexy when he gets mad.
Sexy Stan Moser: Then you might as well call me The Hulk.
ICE AGE: We should be talking about XIII?!!
Saint Luke: Um, ICE AGE, we aren’t really allowed to talk about down there in an envious way?
ICE AGE: Sounds like this place needs me.
Sober Price: It sounds like he is going to motivate us to get up and do things! Yeah!
Slacker Omega: Urgh, I don’t like where this is going.
ICE AGE: Good, I mean think about it...all of you! What are even up to these days?
Baby Bobby: Like 2 inches...but for a baby that is a good sized thickness!
ICE AGE: Fine, let’s start with you then Baby Bobby.
Baby Bobby: So can I show my thing now or what?
ICE AGE: Bobby Fucking Cairo is like a Sheppard right now down on Earth. He has a whole fucking line of mindless jobber sheep who follow him like his words aren’t repetitive and his style is fucking stale. Yet you are up here, with diaper rash up to your lower back.
Baby Bobby: I was hoping people wouldn’t notice that.
ICE AGE: He is the Fucking WCF World Champion...a stolen title yes...but still he is the Champion of the World and you are begging for baby powder. He might be the biggest piece of garbage I know, a man so drunk on himself he should get rid of his mirrors as a way of getting back to reality sober...but he at least is a man, with the eyes on the prize...not just some baby who likes to talk about his dick.
Saint Luke: Actually, from what I have seen that is about right for Cairo these days.
ICE AGE: Fine, bad fucking example, but what about you Slacker Omega?!
Slacker Omega: What? Who? What? I was just about to nap...why did you have to ruin that.
ICE AGE: Because Jay Omega is down on earth right now with the WCF Hardcore Title strapped around his little bitch waist! Meanwhile you are up asleep.
Slacker Omega: Almost Asleep!...and that guys is jealous of me...I got to watch Magnum P.I. today, I got to play my Super Nintendo, I got to eat half a container of cheese balls, then fall asleep and then wake up and eat the other half of the cheese balls. I am the lucky one, he is just some fake ass Omega Man...I mean like, what is that? Some sort of Super Hero...more like Super Zero.
(Others laugh at his joke while Slacker Omega begins to slunk down in his chair to nap.)
ICE AGE: I mean this whole place is full of second hand stars!
Sober Price: Wow that sounds like fighting words, right Wrestling Seth?
Wrestling Seth: No...he is right...I am jealous of Alive Earth Seth. He is the big boss, the coolest guy around, everyone looks up to him.
ICE AGE: Well let’s not go too far. But come on, Sober Price, you know you are bored...you know you are lame...you know you are nothing now.
Sober Price: I am all that I...can...be...damn, I am bored...does Heaven have booze?
Sane Alex: I believe they do in Sinatra heaven, but I heard that’s a tough place to get into.
ICE AGE: I mean you all should be focusing on XIII...HELL so should I?!
(The room goes to state of stunned quietness.)
Saint Luke: We don’t really like to scream the H word up here.
Baby Bobby: Yeah, it upsets the cloud daddy.
Human McMorris: Cloud daddy? He name is God.
Baby Bobby: Well give me a break already, I am just a baby...who by the way, does have breast feeding needs.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: Don’t wink at me Baby Bobby, my husband Selfer has a better chance than you.
ICE AGE: Oh, well if he doesn’t like it...the man...the king...the lord...well then it is only in my nature to say-
Saint Luke: Don’t please, you are new...too new.
ICE AGE: HELL FUCKING HELL...THIS IS HELL HELL HELL!!!
(Lighting strikes and the room shakes.)
Sane Alex: I think we should all stay calm and act normal.
Just Joe: I am sure he will be nice to ICE, I mean ICE rhymes with nice after all...and I have no reason to attack him.
(The room begins to shake more as lighting begins to rain around the room like strobe lights.)
Sexy Stan Moser: Fine, I will flirt with him until he relaxes, I can do that.
Saint Luke: Not now Sexy Stan, not now at all.
Human McMorris: I do give lots of shit about God’s words and shit...but ICE AGE is right, I am jealous of my earth persona.
(Lighting strikes the room and the roof blows off!)
Sober Price: I think it is time for my mid-afternoon jog before my late-afternoon yoga session...go I must go.
Wrestling Seth: I wanted a fair fight, not to just get my ass kicked, so I am going to head out as well.
Baby Bobby: Can someone wake up Slacker Omega, I need to be carried home, since I do-
(The clouds begins to darken as storm comes towards where the ceiling used to be.)
Baby Bobby: Never mind my dick jokes, SLACKER OMEGA GET ME OUT OF HERE...NOW!!!
Slacker Omega: What? Huh?...It’s not time for me to actually work, is it?
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: I think it is time for a lot of us to head out. But first...
(Chelsea “Black” Armstrong plants a big kiss right on the lips of ICE AGE.)
ICE AGE: Very nice.
Chelsea “Black” Armstrong: If you survive this...give my cloud a call.
(And suddenly a final lighting strike empties the room of every being but ICE AGE and Saint Luke.)
ICE AGE: What the fuck is going on?
Saint Luke: To be honest...I just peed myself.
ICE AGE: What?
(The booming voice acts like entrance music as his giant spirit comes thundering down.)
GOD: Who dares Question My Life After Death?!!!
Saint Luke: .....not me sir...not me at all.
ICE AGE: Hey, what the hell? I thought we were friends.
Saint Luke: See sir, he said it again...Punish Him, Punish Him NOW!!! Hehehehe!!
(God reaches down and flicks Saint Luke like a nat.)
GOD: Ha Ha Ha...that was fun...Now to you ICE AGE.
ICE AGE: No wait, I get to go first.
GOD: Ha Ha Ha...No One Speaks to me like that.
ICE AGE: Yeah, and the world has never seen an ICE AGE before.
GOD: Actually I killed off a lot of dinosaurs with one.
ICE AGE: You think you can kill me don’t you?
GOD: I can kill anyone I want...and if you need examples just out Hollywood over the last 50 years.
ICE AGE: But the ICE AGE will never be dead...and let me tell you why.
GOD: Go ahead and do your shot...
ICE AGE: How did you know I wanted to...oh, yeah, never mind.
GOD: Just get if off your chest, I have to appear in a Harrison Ford dream in about 20 minutes in order to convince him to stop flying planes in order to make Stars Wars 8 and 9.
ICE AGE: First off, why the shit are WCF wrestlers only represented by a single moment in our lives, I mean shouldn’t there be like a Sober ICE as well, or a baby Chelsea, or a sorta sane Alex? I mean how exactly does that work?
GOD: Well...in response to that I say.
(The biggest lighting strike hits with a thunderous boom like a thousand cannons.)
ICE AGE: SO, you are saying, just talk about my shit, I get it.
GOD: Sounds like the smart plan, don’t want to end up like Pope Benedict, right?
ICE AGE: Isn’t that guy still alive?
GOD: That’s what I want you to think...now go ahead with your rant.
ICE AGE: Thanks, you are actually really nice.
GOD: Tell that to the Jews...I mean, go ahead with the rant.
ICE AGE: How did I begin? I pinned the World Champ...Steve Orbit. And how did he respond to my creation? He became a fan, a friend and an ally. But how did I end? With ICE standing outside the ring, his shoulders nowhere near the mat...needless to say it was a shock to me. Like the same feeling a mother feels when her baby is ripped from her arms just moments after birth.
GOD: Not sure about that, I mean I have watched things happen in Southeast Asia that would make you think twice about that last statement.
ICE AGE: Please God; you said this was my time.
GOD: Sorry...sorry...you’re right.
ICE AGE: I am always right; I am the ICE AGE after all.
GOD: You sure are, and by the way, how is Chelsea in the sack, I mean I try to watch, but you guys always turn off the lights...wait, never mind...it is your turn to talk.
ICE AGE: That it is...and yeah she is an animal...but back to business...ICE Beckman is fighting at XIII and he is doing so without me...but I don’t think that is exactly true. You see I am still inside ICE...the fuel to his fire, the passion to his dreams, the starter of his hate, the finisher of his love...I am ICE Beckman and nothing you or Bobby Cairo or Seth Lerch can do will kill that.
(The ICE AGE is keeping his eyes locked up towards GOD.)
ICE AGE: Let’s start with Jay Omega. He is just another cut and paste rich boy with a funny face but little behind the curtain in which to actually offer. I mean the fucking guy sits in his car to talk shit. I mean that is like how to fucking talk shit 101. He likes to seem out there, but in reality the guy is not only inside the box, he is helping create what the box is. Being rich in the wrestling world is like walking to the ring with a broken leg, it is only going to slow you down and make you want to tap out earlier. He has nothing to fight for but what others think of him...which in the end makes the road to follow more likely to end with a cliff to jump off for an easy escape.
(GOD takes a seat on the side of the building as he knows this is going to take a bit.)
ICE AGE: He might show off his world, he might brag about his life, but in the end it is all a mask. He isn’t as funny as he wants, he isn’t as creative as he dreams and he for sure as shit in the ring isn’t as hardcore as that title around his waist says. In fact he is grasping at straws these days just hoping not to find the short one. For he speaks a confident game, but he plays a much different one as he looks up at ICE Beckman and as he looks up at the Godfather. They are WCF while he is still just trying to establish himself, so at XIII, I have a feeling he will be waiting for his name to dry in the concrete will too established Kings of Wrestling battle it out.
GOD: Harsh words, don’t you think?
ICE AGE: I wasn’t born with kindness, now fucking don’t interrupt.
(GOD gives an apology nod as ICE AGE continues.)
ICE AGE: And there is the liar, the thief, the coward who runs the streets like he owns them as he hides in the shadows from anyone who might tell him otherwise...Bobby Fucking Cairo. You see beating him was my biggest thing, it made me truly ME! OR DID IT?
GOD: I don’t know, did it?...And I don’t say that too often.
ICE AGE: Bobby was a building block for the ICE AGE, but just that...a building block. Just because the sheep liked to bah his name, just because the sheep liked to think of him as the Sheppard doesn’t mean he was the reason the flock went where they did...for you see the reason was me...the Wolf...in the woods, hunting them as I liked. I controlled the World, I made the graze here and there, it was mine, not Bobby’s and how did he take that from me? By killing my brother...
(GOD seems confused.)
ICE AGE: But I am not my brother, am I?
(GOD seems more confused.)
ICE AGE: No, I am me, hence I am still alive, still hunting, still out there, stalking, running and ready to feast...so Bobby can parade around with my title like he has earned something, but he knows like you know, he has nothing but a tainted title on his hands. And he needs XIII, he needs to pin me to truly earn that title and he knows if I can pin him and take back my title than that is fucking two for fucking two. He knows I am the fucking best around, he knows he isn’t even thinking about Jay Omega, he knows I am the hunter right now and he is the vermin, just hoping to scram away.
GOD: You are speaking like you are still with ICE, but like Saint Peter told you it is a one way road; you will never be a part of him again.
ICE AGE: But we got a match to win.
GOD: Enough with this!!!
(GOD bursts away like a comet leaving ICE AGE in the room with no roof by himself.)
ICE AGE: Calzone taught me how to deal with this...just head for the sewers turtle style.
(Natural ICE Beckman rolls over in his Foam Lake bed and opens his eyes He blinks a few time before truly seeing something paranormal looking at him.)
ICE: Is that a ghost of fucking me?
ICE AGE: I’ll be back...
ICE: Arnold Schwarzeneggar?
ICE AGE: Urgh. No, like I will be back and you will be a Champ again.
ICE: Oh, I fucking get it...cool.
(ICE rolls over and wakes up Chelsea.)
Chelsea: What is it?
ICE: I just saw a ghost that looked just like me.
Chelsea: Well you said this is a weird week.
ICE: Good point...okay, good night.
Chelsea: Good night hun.
WCF Heaven's Past
