Intervention meets Groundhog Day
Mar 9, 2015 22:00:03 GMT -5
Alex Richards and Crow McMorris like this
Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Mar 9, 2015 22:00:03 GMT -5
THE FIRST TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he doesn’t.)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman, and then back at this man who can only be described as, well...)
ICE: Who the fuck is this dickhead?
Geoff: Hah, well, please just call me Geoff. But enough about me, ICE Beckman, we are all here for you...we are here to help you find the glory in a world of sobriety.
ICE: Fuck me.
Geoff: Now come on Mr. Beckman, or can I call you ICE? Please just listen, Dee why don’t you start?
DEE: ICE, you are the best man in the world, my favorite person besides my mom, but lately I have been very concerned about your drinking. When you drink...you make fun of me...and that...(sniffles)...hurts. And lately you have been extra mean...like what you got me for my birthday.
ICE: The thought is what counts.
DEE: You got me 75 extra-large maxi-pads! ...(sniffles)...I just want you to be nicer. Just tell me one nice thing.
ICE: Um...Uh...Dee you...are...human?
DEE: GO to rehab ICE, you need it.
Geoff: What about you PJ, you tell ICE how his drinking hurts you.
PJ: ICE is the best man ever and his drinking is like one of his coolest things, I mean he is like the World Champion so you know...oh wait, he lost that, right?
ICE: PJ...fuck off.
PJ: Sorry, ICE I didn’t mean to disappoint you. How about I make it up to you with a song?
John: If he sings I am leaving.
Buck: When do I get to talk?
Geoff: I feel like I am losing control of this meeting.
ICE: Reminds me of Timebomb...or XIII.
Geoff: We aren’t here to talk about your wrestling ICE, or is Mr. Beckman better? We are here to talk about your drinking.
ICE: My fucking drinking is awesome sauce. I am a fucking drinking genetic freak. I have the sternness of an east coast soulless bastard along with the back water temper of never letting booze win because our winters are fucking hella cold. So simply I can never drink too much, and as for the drugs. I need weed to eat, coke to work out, shrooms to imagine and all the rest just to feel normal...but nothing is better than a cold Whoop Ass beer. So in other words NO to an REHAB and Get the FUCK OUT!!...Now all this talking about drinking reminds me...
(ICE pulls out a beer from his shirt pocket and cracks it open. Dee and Geoff try to stop him from taking the drink but only fail as the golden brew hits his lips and things all start over.)
THE SECOND TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he doesn’t know, or at least he used to not know who he was.)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman and then back at this man who can only be described as, well...WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?)
ICE: WAIT!!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
PJ: I told you this would make him mad; I am his Best Friend after all!!
ICE: We already did this shit, I said No to any intervention, I mean I yelled it and everything.
John: Natural, we get it, you are messed up, but you don’t need to make up lies at this time, I have true business to do...I am trying to sell a lot of ICE AGE merchandise to a portion of China that has yet to get word about how the Timebomb PPV went.
ICE: I am saying, this moment has already happen to me.
DEE: Of course ICE, we have tried this many times. The first was in junior high.
Buck: When do I get to talk?
Geoff: Just a moment please Buck, first I need ICE to be ready to listen. Now, do you hear your friends ICE? Or should I call you Mr. Beckman? Remember we are here to get you-
ICE: Fuck man, let me answer your questions already, like I already have, am I going to fucking rehab and take a break from the ring like Jay Omega....NO!! As for what you can call me...you can soon call me drunk.
(ICE pulls out a beer from his shirt pocket.)
ICE: Didn’t I just drink this?
Geoff: Are you expiring black outs?
ICE: You every get fucked up before doc.
Geoff: Oh I am not a doctor, but thanks for thinking so, and yes I was a horribly mean drunk for nearly 10 years.
(ICE smiles at that before he cracks open the beer, Dee and Geoff try to stop him from taking the drink but they are too late as the beer hits his lips and once again ICE finds himself in restart mode.)
THE THIRD TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he didn’t at the beginning of the day, but does now. ICE also knows what he is about to say..)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer.
ICE: Fuck off Geoff.
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman and Geoff just like he already has twice today.)
DEE: How did you know his name?
PJ: ICE must be psyche and maybe that is because he drinks all the time. I change my vote.
Geoff: You don’t get votes in an invention PJ.
Buck: You know in that point I want to change my vote to drunk as well.
John: And I am kind of 50/50 on the whole thing, I am the drunk gimmick is a big help in merchandise sales.
DEE: Come on now Guys! We need to focus and Help ICE, remember PJ you want to talk about being his friend and Buck you are sick of ICE always getting recognize on the street. I can start the sharing if you want Geoff.
Geoff: Thank you Dee, but first I need ICE to be ready to listen. Now, do you hear your friends ICE? Or should I call you Mr. Beckman? Remember we are here with the goal of helping you by getting you to agree to attend rehab. You look deep in thought, what are you thinking?
ICE: I am trying to remember if I did acid or ate any shrooms this morning.
PJ: Nope ICE all you did was coke, and of course a lot of drinking.
John: And that joint you smoked that smell up my leather seats in the BMW.
PJ: Yeah, that’s all you did.
Buck: Well couldn’t of you done something in the bathrooms.
PJ: No, all he did the in the bathroom was poop and pee and brush his teeth.
ICE: How do you know that PJ?
PJ: I listen at the door, for safety reasons.
ICE: Never do that again PJ! Never Again, got it!
PJ: But your safety.
ICE: NEVER AGAIN!
Geoff: Okay people, let’s put a lasso around this conversation in reel in back in to why we are here...this man, Natural ICE Beckman.
ICE: You really want to help me, get the hell out of my face...I need to figure out what is going on.
(ICE stands up and so does the rest of the people in the room, but ICE doesn’t head for the door and instead feels the heaviness of a can of full beer. He pulls it from his shirt pocket.)
DEE: He is trying to drink a beer! Someone stop him.
(Buck grabs for the beer, pushing John over as he lunges for the brew.)
PJ: Get Him Buck!
(ICE side steps the charging big man who tackles Geoff instead.)
DEE: Oh No Geoff!!
PJ: I will get that beer and save ICE’s soul!!!...And possibly destroy his physic abilities.
(PJ goes for the beer but finds ICE’s cold hard fist instead.)
ICE: Considering we are friends, I sure punch PJ a lot...and now to celebrate my well-earned drink!
DEE: No ICE Don’t!
(ICE tilts his head back and lets the heavenly brew flow down his throat, or at least that was the plan for the second it touched his lips the whole situation reboots...again.)
THE FOURTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by the same group of people. ICE is quicker to wake this time.)
Geoff: Hello, ICE or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE stands.)
ICE: It is when I drink, that is where I always go wrong.
DEE: The intervention is working!
John: Wow, Geoff, even I have to say I am impressed with these results.
Buck: Well there goes fun ICE; now he will be all about puzzles and knitting and other boring shit.
DEE: Hey I like puzzles...and knitting.
ICE: The beer the second it touches my lips...I am doomed repeat this horribleness.
Geoff: Yes, that is it, go with it.
ICE: This beer this beer right here...(ICE pulls the unopened beer from his shirt pocket)...what the hell is going on here?
PJ: We are saving you ICE! Or at least is what Dee told me; I just want to hear that we are best friends.
John: I would settle for just a nice word now and then.
ICE: What the fuck is going on...are you fucking with me! Is this some sort of mind game shrink trick or something...TELL ME FUCKING NOW!!!
(ICE grabs Geoff by the shoulders.)
Geoff: Please don’t hurt me!!
ICE: I have a huge fucking match this week...I have a chance to get my World title back!! Don’t you dare fuck this up for me!!
John: Natural, please, let him go...then again beating up an intervention consular would help the alcoholic gimmick I suppose.
DEE: No, ICE, let him be, he is just trying to help you.
(ICE throws Geoff aside.)
PJ: Crap ICE if you hurt him I bet we have to pay more.
Buck: ICE dude, what are you flipping out about?
John: I am sure it is about XIII, we get it brother, it is a big match...but I am sure you will give it your best effort.
ICE: My best fucking effort...my best FUCKING EFFORT!
John: Or something else.
(ICE gets into the face of John, like only brothers can.)
ICE: Bobby Fucking Cairo steals my title thanks to that weasel Seth a few weeks ago and now I have a chance to get back my title...I think my best effort went out the window the moment they ripped that World title from my hands with my shoulders nowhere near the fucking mat!! Fuck Best Efforts, I will leave that to the TV title champion. I am Natural FUCKING ICE...the man who built the WCF and now is having to crawl his way back up to the top like a common fucking clown!!! FUCK THAT, FUCK THIS, FUCK THE WHOLE THING! For you see XIII is just what I need right now. I need chaos, uncontrolled mayhem, unscripted insanity that is tough hot for the general public. Because I want to drop a nuke on the ring and watch the flesh rip away from bones like Band-Aids tear away from skin. Fuck I don’t just want to watch it, I want to sit back and soak it all fucking in and now the person who cast the hell on earth spell on their careers was me. And then things will be right...so very right...then I can sleep again...with her by my side.
John: You mean Chelsea?
PJ: I knew that bitch was only sleeping with you cuz’ you were top dawg.
ICE: I am talking about my title. Now out of my way...I have some important business to get done.
Buck: If you’re talking about making some more funny TV shows or movies, can I be in them, I do a great Bobby Cairo....”Look, my Dick! Hah!”
ICE: I am talking about knocking Jay Omega back down to where he belongs, just another piece of the pack muck. I am talking about yanking Bobby down by his big cum soaked beard until his head is out of the clouds and I can let the harsh truth of reality invade him. I am talking about taking back my federation where the halls are a fire with my name and shaking with fear with the mere thought of facing me. I am talking about getting the fuck away from here, getting my title, kicking the shit out of two guys who both are long overdue for a true ass kissing...and mainly I am going to go and GET DRUNK!!
(ICE is nothing but rage and hate as his shoot gets the best of him and he yanks the beer from his shirt pocket and cracks it open.)
ICE: So why don’t you all go Fuck yourself!
PJ: What? Even me, your best friend ICE?
ICE: Especially you PJ.
(ICE begins to chug the beer and can only think the words “Oh Fuck” before again the world comes to a restart.)
THE FIFTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by the same group of people. ICE jumps up and looks around...and then jumps out the coolest window!)
Geoff: I didn’t even get the chance to say, Hello, ICE or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
John: I am actually surprised none of us thought to block that window.
PJ: He did escape out of Windows during his 4th, 7th and 13th Interventions.
DEE: Well we just can sit here, we have to go after him, right Geoff?
Geoff: One of us should get up and get him; John you are his brother, why don’t you go.
PJ: Oh thank god I hate running after people, or standing up or reaching over to scratch my butt...it you catch my drift Buck.
Buck: I am not scratching your butt PJ.
John: Fine I will go.
DEE: Fine, but please hurry John and maybe if you have time read him this 7 page long poem I wrote him about how his insults make me hate myself.
John: Nope, I am not doing that.
Geoff: Well please at least tell him we all love him.
Buck: You love him? You just met him and then he jumped out that window.
Geoff: Buck, I probably love him the most, we are kindred spirts due to him be an alcoholic just like I used to be.
John: I am not telling him we all love him either and honestly if I find a date for tonight first I will give up even looking for him, but until then...I will go.
(John walks out of the motel room and begins to head down the street; he first encounters a man holding his nose like he was recently punched.)
John: Excuse me have you seen a big guy around here, who would be acting crazy and such?
Man: I sure did, he said my stupid dick hair reminded him of stupid dick Jay Omega and then he punched me in the nose.
John: Did you see which way he went?
Man: That way.
(John heads a little further down the street until he encounters an old lady, who is holding her injured nose just like the man was holding his nose.)
John: Excuse me old lady, did some big furry guy just go by this way?
Old Lady: He said I looked like the way Bobby Cairo wrestles and then he punched me in the face.
John: Did he say where he was going?
Old Lady: He was mumbling something about needing a drink, but he couldn’t. I don’t know, but do you know him, because if you do tell him I am going to sue his balls off!
John: Balls off? Not exactly Grandma talk...but sadly I have no idea who he is, my asking this is merely a coincidence now off to Bingo or making your will or whatever old people do.
(John pushes the lady along like the ivy league asshole he is and keeps moving along the street until he comes to a women his own age.)
John: How are you doing?
Woman: I am okay, how are you?
John: Just wondering you see a big guy with a furry head and a crazed look on his face come this way?
Woman: I sure did, he asked where the closet bar was and I told him right over there at McDrinkers.
John: Hey, are you single?
Woman: I sure am...why you thinking about asking me out.
John: Eh, on second thought, your ass is kind of large.
Woman: Hey Fuck you!
John: And you have a crude mouth, no thanks.
(John walks across the street and into the bar. He looks around at the bar folk and finds his brother, talking to himself at the bar. John shakes his head and thinks to himself how good of brother he is as he walks over to join ICE.)
ICE: What the fuck is going on...what is happening to me?
John: What is happening to you? What about me? Here I am wasting all this time that I should be using to promote your match at XIII. You know the black market for digital downloads is a huge money maker for us; finally Seth can’t dip his greedy finger into our rightful pot.
ICE: You think this might be Seth’s doing?
John: What is Seth’s doing? XIII? I doubt it is...I mean he might be wrestling in it, but-
ICE: How didn’t I get booked in that match? A chance to hurt Seth...that weasel cunt...wants me to do his dirty work...even after he Fuck Me...I SAY FUCKED ME OUT OF MY TITLE. AND NOW THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!
Bartender: Hey now man, I told you before watch the cursing and watch the yelling, last chance before I kick you out of here.
John: Can you give us a few more chances, he does tend to like to do that.
Bartender: Last Chance...(walks back away from the brothers.)
ICE: I am going to tell you brother...and you have to promise not to laugh.
John: I saw the Are You Hardcore game show; that shouldn’t be a problem.
ICE: Hey! Now listen, this intervention that you guys are trying on me, has been going on all day.
John: Oh that is how it seems to me, you know I had to be partners with Dee during Geoff’s “Get to Know Each Other Before We Help The One We Love” pre-intervention workshop.
ICE: No, I am saying, I wake up from my nap and you guys are all around me and when I drink it all starts over again.
John: Like that movie with Bill Murray.
ICE: This has nothing to do with being a golf caddy!
John: I am sure this is about XIII, I get it brother, it is a big match...but I am sure you will give it your best effort.
ICE: My best effort...my best effort...you have said that to me before today, less than an hour ago.
John: Natural, brother, I think we should stick with the drunk gimmick, the crazy gimmick is spread real thin these days, I mean look at Jay, half the time you don’t know what is going on in his promos and Bobby, well that is guy is like inventing all whole new category of human insanity.
ICE: I need to get through this brother, I need this to end...I need my title back, I need it so much and if I can’t drink before the match I might really hurt someone to get it. Hell I don’t need a drink...Jay and Bobby need me to drink so they can walk down their daughter’s wedding aisle without a limp, they need me to drink so I don’t twist and twist and twist until Pop. They need me to at least have my thirst clinched for if I walk into that arena hungry and thirsty...they are liable not to walk out at all.
John: Well then just do the intervention shit and give your friends what they want.
ICE: Me give my friends what they want...fuck, I never do that.
John: Well then maybe it is time you finally did it, maybe it would break this curse or whatever you call it.
ICE: Give my friends what they want...fuck that is almost weird enough to work.
John: Well this is a weird week after all...
(John just begins to relax as he watches ICE reach across the bar and grab a bottle of whiskey!)
Bartender: What the hell ya doing?
John: No Natural! That bartender looks like he has a shotgun!!
(ICE pushes his brother away as the bartender reaches for his gun. He pumps the 12 gauge once before going for the trigger as liquor washes over his lips just in time.)
THE SIXTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows all too well. But he doesn’t yell, fight or even insult; instead ICE Beckman smiles.)
Geoff: Hello ICE.
ICE: Please don’t talk to me.
Geoff: Well the politeness is at least nice.
ICE: Shut the fuck up and have a drink, I bet you were a fun drunk.
Geoff: How did you know that?
ICE: Shut the fuck up.
Geoff: Got it.
ICE: Now Dee, yeah I make fun of you, but it’s fun, so yeah.
DEE: Apology accepted.
John: He never said sorry.
DEE: Hey did in his own way.
ICE: PJ, we are Not best friends, but I will take you to Vegas for your bachelor party when you Marry Dee’s mom.
PJ: Deal.
ICE: Buck, what can I say...I am better than you, just like I am Omega and Bobby, it is time for all three of you to admit it.
Buck: You compared me to Bobby Cairo and Jay Omega, I’ll take it...I’m all good.
ICE: And Brother you have a nice ass car.
John: Wow, what a thing to say...just what I wanted...I think I might cry.
ICE: Now, does anyone still give two shits about me going to rehab and getting sober.
Geoff: I do.
ICE: Anyone care about his opinion?
PJ: If I say no does that mean we don’t have to pay him?
ICE: It means I gave you what you wanted, now leave me alone.
DEE: I am good, go have fun ICE.
Buck: Can I come with?
John: Don’t get arrested; save that kinda story for XIII.
PJ: Where you going ICE?
ICE: I am going to...
(ICE pulls the beer from his front pocket, cracks it open and chugs it down. He then turns towards his friends and family as finally the restart button is broken.)
ICE: GET DRUNK!!
(ICE thinks a bit.)
ICE: Also now that I think about it I did drop acid last night when I got up to pee.
(ICE motions for his crew to follow him out as they head out into the city with a drunk mission on their minds as Geoff looks around at the empty room and says out loud.)
Geoff: Um, I actually never did get paid....fuck, I need a new job...and a drink.
Intervention meets Groundhog Day
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he doesn’t.)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman, and then back at this man who can only be described as, well...)
ICE: Who the fuck is this dickhead?
Geoff: Hah, well, please just call me Geoff. But enough about me, ICE Beckman, we are all here for you...we are here to help you find the glory in a world of sobriety.
ICE: Fuck me.
Geoff: Now come on Mr. Beckman, or can I call you ICE? Please just listen, Dee why don’t you start?
DEE: ICE, you are the best man in the world, my favorite person besides my mom, but lately I have been very concerned about your drinking. When you drink...you make fun of me...and that...(sniffles)...hurts. And lately you have been extra mean...like what you got me for my birthday.
ICE: The thought is what counts.
DEE: You got me 75 extra-large maxi-pads! ...(sniffles)...I just want you to be nicer. Just tell me one nice thing.
ICE: Um...Uh...Dee you...are...human?
DEE: GO to rehab ICE, you need it.
Geoff: What about you PJ, you tell ICE how his drinking hurts you.
PJ: ICE is the best man ever and his drinking is like one of his coolest things, I mean he is like the World Champion so you know...oh wait, he lost that, right?
ICE: PJ...fuck off.
PJ: Sorry, ICE I didn’t mean to disappoint you. How about I make it up to you with a song?
John: If he sings I am leaving.
Buck: When do I get to talk?
Geoff: I feel like I am losing control of this meeting.
ICE: Reminds me of Timebomb...or XIII.
Geoff: We aren’t here to talk about your wrestling ICE, or is Mr. Beckman better? We are here to talk about your drinking.
ICE: My fucking drinking is awesome sauce. I am a fucking drinking genetic freak. I have the sternness of an east coast soulless bastard along with the back water temper of never letting booze win because our winters are fucking hella cold. So simply I can never drink too much, and as for the drugs. I need weed to eat, coke to work out, shrooms to imagine and all the rest just to feel normal...but nothing is better than a cold Whoop Ass beer. So in other words NO to an REHAB and Get the FUCK OUT!!...Now all this talking about drinking reminds me...
(ICE pulls out a beer from his shirt pocket and cracks it open. Dee and Geoff try to stop him from taking the drink but only fail as the golden brew hits his lips and things all start over.)
THE SECOND TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he doesn’t know, or at least he used to not know who he was.)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman and then back at this man who can only be described as, well...WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?)
ICE: WAIT!!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
PJ: I told you this would make him mad; I am his Best Friend after all!!
ICE: We already did this shit, I said No to any intervention, I mean I yelled it and everything.
John: Natural, we get it, you are messed up, but you don’t need to make up lies at this time, I have true business to do...I am trying to sell a lot of ICE AGE merchandise to a portion of China that has yet to get word about how the Timebomb PPV went.
ICE: I am saying, this moment has already happen to me.
DEE: Of course ICE, we have tried this many times. The first was in junior high.
Buck: When do I get to talk?
Geoff: Just a moment please Buck, first I need ICE to be ready to listen. Now, do you hear your friends ICE? Or should I call you Mr. Beckman? Remember we are here to get you-
ICE: Fuck man, let me answer your questions already, like I already have, am I going to fucking rehab and take a break from the ring like Jay Omega....NO!! As for what you can call me...you can soon call me drunk.
(ICE pulls out a beer from his shirt pocket.)
ICE: Didn’t I just drink this?
Geoff: Are you expiring black outs?
ICE: You every get fucked up before doc.
Geoff: Oh I am not a doctor, but thanks for thinking so, and yes I was a horribly mean drunk for nearly 10 years.
(ICE smiles at that before he cracks open the beer, Dee and Geoff try to stop him from taking the drink but they are too late as the beer hits his lips and once again ICE finds himself in restart mode.)
THE THIRD TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows...and one person he didn’t at the beginning of the day, but does now. ICE also knows what he is about to say..)
Geoff: Hello ICE, or do you prefer.
ICE: Fuck off Geoff.
(ICE looks around at Dee, PJ, Buck Fucker, John Beckman and Geoff just like he already has twice today.)
DEE: How did you know his name?
PJ: ICE must be psyche and maybe that is because he drinks all the time. I change my vote.
Geoff: You don’t get votes in an invention PJ.
Buck: You know in that point I want to change my vote to drunk as well.
John: And I am kind of 50/50 on the whole thing, I am the drunk gimmick is a big help in merchandise sales.
DEE: Come on now Guys! We need to focus and Help ICE, remember PJ you want to talk about being his friend and Buck you are sick of ICE always getting recognize on the street. I can start the sharing if you want Geoff.
Geoff: Thank you Dee, but first I need ICE to be ready to listen. Now, do you hear your friends ICE? Or should I call you Mr. Beckman? Remember we are here with the goal of helping you by getting you to agree to attend rehab. You look deep in thought, what are you thinking?
ICE: I am trying to remember if I did acid or ate any shrooms this morning.
PJ: Nope ICE all you did was coke, and of course a lot of drinking.
John: And that joint you smoked that smell up my leather seats in the BMW.
PJ: Yeah, that’s all you did.
Buck: Well couldn’t of you done something in the bathrooms.
PJ: No, all he did the in the bathroom was poop and pee and brush his teeth.
ICE: How do you know that PJ?
PJ: I listen at the door, for safety reasons.
ICE: Never do that again PJ! Never Again, got it!
PJ: But your safety.
ICE: NEVER AGAIN!
Geoff: Okay people, let’s put a lasso around this conversation in reel in back in to why we are here...this man, Natural ICE Beckman.
ICE: You really want to help me, get the hell out of my face...I need to figure out what is going on.
(ICE stands up and so does the rest of the people in the room, but ICE doesn’t head for the door and instead feels the heaviness of a can of full beer. He pulls it from his shirt pocket.)
DEE: He is trying to drink a beer! Someone stop him.
(Buck grabs for the beer, pushing John over as he lunges for the brew.)
PJ: Get Him Buck!
(ICE side steps the charging big man who tackles Geoff instead.)
DEE: Oh No Geoff!!
PJ: I will get that beer and save ICE’s soul!!!...And possibly destroy his physic abilities.
(PJ goes for the beer but finds ICE’s cold hard fist instead.)
ICE: Considering we are friends, I sure punch PJ a lot...and now to celebrate my well-earned drink!
DEE: No ICE Don’t!
(ICE tilts his head back and lets the heavenly brew flow down his throat, or at least that was the plan for the second it touched his lips the whole situation reboots...again.)
THE FOURTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by the same group of people. ICE is quicker to wake this time.)
Geoff: Hello, ICE or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
(ICE stands.)
ICE: It is when I drink, that is where I always go wrong.
DEE: The intervention is working!
John: Wow, Geoff, even I have to say I am impressed with these results.
Buck: Well there goes fun ICE; now he will be all about puzzles and knitting and other boring shit.
DEE: Hey I like puzzles...and knitting.
ICE: The beer the second it touches my lips...I am doomed repeat this horribleness.
Geoff: Yes, that is it, go with it.
ICE: This beer this beer right here...(ICE pulls the unopened beer from his shirt pocket)...what the hell is going on here?
PJ: We are saving you ICE! Or at least is what Dee told me; I just want to hear that we are best friends.
John: I would settle for just a nice word now and then.
ICE: What the fuck is going on...are you fucking with me! Is this some sort of mind game shrink trick or something...TELL ME FUCKING NOW!!!
(ICE grabs Geoff by the shoulders.)
Geoff: Please don’t hurt me!!
ICE: I have a huge fucking match this week...I have a chance to get my World title back!! Don’t you dare fuck this up for me!!
John: Natural, please, let him go...then again beating up an intervention consular would help the alcoholic gimmick I suppose.
DEE: No, ICE, let him be, he is just trying to help you.
(ICE throws Geoff aside.)
PJ: Crap ICE if you hurt him I bet we have to pay more.
Buck: ICE dude, what are you flipping out about?
John: I am sure it is about XIII, we get it brother, it is a big match...but I am sure you will give it your best effort.
ICE: My best fucking effort...my best FUCKING EFFORT!
John: Or something else.
(ICE gets into the face of John, like only brothers can.)
ICE: Bobby Fucking Cairo steals my title thanks to that weasel Seth a few weeks ago and now I have a chance to get back my title...I think my best effort went out the window the moment they ripped that World title from my hands with my shoulders nowhere near the fucking mat!! Fuck Best Efforts, I will leave that to the TV title champion. I am Natural FUCKING ICE...the man who built the WCF and now is having to crawl his way back up to the top like a common fucking clown!!! FUCK THAT, FUCK THIS, FUCK THE WHOLE THING! For you see XIII is just what I need right now. I need chaos, uncontrolled mayhem, unscripted insanity that is tough hot for the general public. Because I want to drop a nuke on the ring and watch the flesh rip away from bones like Band-Aids tear away from skin. Fuck I don’t just want to watch it, I want to sit back and soak it all fucking in and now the person who cast the hell on earth spell on their careers was me. And then things will be right...so very right...then I can sleep again...with her by my side.
John: You mean Chelsea?
PJ: I knew that bitch was only sleeping with you cuz’ you were top dawg.
ICE: I am talking about my title. Now out of my way...I have some important business to get done.
Buck: If you’re talking about making some more funny TV shows or movies, can I be in them, I do a great Bobby Cairo....”Look, my Dick! Hah!”
ICE: I am talking about knocking Jay Omega back down to where he belongs, just another piece of the pack muck. I am talking about yanking Bobby down by his big cum soaked beard until his head is out of the clouds and I can let the harsh truth of reality invade him. I am talking about taking back my federation where the halls are a fire with my name and shaking with fear with the mere thought of facing me. I am talking about getting the fuck away from here, getting my title, kicking the shit out of two guys who both are long overdue for a true ass kissing...and mainly I am going to go and GET DRUNK!!
(ICE is nothing but rage and hate as his shoot gets the best of him and he yanks the beer from his shirt pocket and cracks it open.)
ICE: So why don’t you all go Fuck yourself!
PJ: What? Even me, your best friend ICE?
ICE: Especially you PJ.
(ICE begins to chug the beer and can only think the words “Oh Fuck” before again the world comes to a restart.)
THE FIFTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by the same group of people. ICE jumps up and looks around...and then jumps out the coolest window!)
Geoff: I didn’t even get the chance to say, Hello, ICE or do you prefer Mr. Beckman?
John: I am actually surprised none of us thought to block that window.
PJ: He did escape out of Windows during his 4th, 7th and 13th Interventions.
DEE: Well we just can sit here, we have to go after him, right Geoff?
Geoff: One of us should get up and get him; John you are his brother, why don’t you go.
PJ: Oh thank god I hate running after people, or standing up or reaching over to scratch my butt...it you catch my drift Buck.
Buck: I am not scratching your butt PJ.
John: Fine I will go.
DEE: Fine, but please hurry John and maybe if you have time read him this 7 page long poem I wrote him about how his insults make me hate myself.
John: Nope, I am not doing that.
Geoff: Well please at least tell him we all love him.
Buck: You love him? You just met him and then he jumped out that window.
Geoff: Buck, I probably love him the most, we are kindred spirts due to him be an alcoholic just like I used to be.
John: I am not telling him we all love him either and honestly if I find a date for tonight first I will give up even looking for him, but until then...I will go.
(John walks out of the motel room and begins to head down the street; he first encounters a man holding his nose like he was recently punched.)
John: Excuse me have you seen a big guy around here, who would be acting crazy and such?
Man: I sure did, he said my stupid dick hair reminded him of stupid dick Jay Omega and then he punched me in the nose.
John: Did you see which way he went?
Man: That way.
(John heads a little further down the street until he encounters an old lady, who is holding her injured nose just like the man was holding his nose.)
John: Excuse me old lady, did some big furry guy just go by this way?
Old Lady: He said I looked like the way Bobby Cairo wrestles and then he punched me in the face.
John: Did he say where he was going?
Old Lady: He was mumbling something about needing a drink, but he couldn’t. I don’t know, but do you know him, because if you do tell him I am going to sue his balls off!
John: Balls off? Not exactly Grandma talk...but sadly I have no idea who he is, my asking this is merely a coincidence now off to Bingo or making your will or whatever old people do.
(John pushes the lady along like the ivy league asshole he is and keeps moving along the street until he comes to a women his own age.)
John: How are you doing?
Woman: I am okay, how are you?
John: Just wondering you see a big guy with a furry head and a crazed look on his face come this way?
Woman: I sure did, he asked where the closet bar was and I told him right over there at McDrinkers.
John: Hey, are you single?
Woman: I sure am...why you thinking about asking me out.
John: Eh, on second thought, your ass is kind of large.
Woman: Hey Fuck you!
John: And you have a crude mouth, no thanks.
(John walks across the street and into the bar. He looks around at the bar folk and finds his brother, talking to himself at the bar. John shakes his head and thinks to himself how good of brother he is as he walks over to join ICE.)
ICE: What the fuck is going on...what is happening to me?
John: What is happening to you? What about me? Here I am wasting all this time that I should be using to promote your match at XIII. You know the black market for digital downloads is a huge money maker for us; finally Seth can’t dip his greedy finger into our rightful pot.
ICE: You think this might be Seth’s doing?
John: What is Seth’s doing? XIII? I doubt it is...I mean he might be wrestling in it, but-
ICE: How didn’t I get booked in that match? A chance to hurt Seth...that weasel cunt...wants me to do his dirty work...even after he Fuck Me...I SAY FUCKED ME OUT OF MY TITLE. AND NOW THIS FUCKING SHIT!!!
Bartender: Hey now man, I told you before watch the cursing and watch the yelling, last chance before I kick you out of here.
John: Can you give us a few more chances, he does tend to like to do that.
Bartender: Last Chance...(walks back away from the brothers.)
ICE: I am going to tell you brother...and you have to promise not to laugh.
John: I saw the Are You Hardcore game show; that shouldn’t be a problem.
ICE: Hey! Now listen, this intervention that you guys are trying on me, has been going on all day.
John: Oh that is how it seems to me, you know I had to be partners with Dee during Geoff’s “Get to Know Each Other Before We Help The One We Love” pre-intervention workshop.
ICE: No, I am saying, I wake up from my nap and you guys are all around me and when I drink it all starts over again.
John: Like that movie with Bill Murray.
ICE: This has nothing to do with being a golf caddy!
John: I am sure this is about XIII, I get it brother, it is a big match...but I am sure you will give it your best effort.
ICE: My best effort...my best effort...you have said that to me before today, less than an hour ago.
John: Natural, brother, I think we should stick with the drunk gimmick, the crazy gimmick is spread real thin these days, I mean look at Jay, half the time you don’t know what is going on in his promos and Bobby, well that is guy is like inventing all whole new category of human insanity.
ICE: I need to get through this brother, I need this to end...I need my title back, I need it so much and if I can’t drink before the match I might really hurt someone to get it. Hell I don’t need a drink...Jay and Bobby need me to drink so they can walk down their daughter’s wedding aisle without a limp, they need me to drink so I don’t twist and twist and twist until Pop. They need me to at least have my thirst clinched for if I walk into that arena hungry and thirsty...they are liable not to walk out at all.
John: Well then just do the intervention shit and give your friends what they want.
ICE: Me give my friends what they want...fuck, I never do that.
John: Well then maybe it is time you finally did it, maybe it would break this curse or whatever you call it.
ICE: Give my friends what they want...fuck that is almost weird enough to work.
John: Well this is a weird week after all...
(John just begins to relax as he watches ICE reach across the bar and grab a bottle of whiskey!)
Bartender: What the hell ya doing?
John: No Natural! That bartender looks like he has a shotgun!!
(ICE pushes his brother away as the bartender reaches for his gun. He pumps the 12 gauge once before going for the trigger as liquor washes over his lips just in time.)
THE SIXTH TRY
(ICE Beckman wakes up from a nap, an empty beer can in one hand and sadly nothing in the other but a thick crease across his palm. ICE blinks the sleep from his eyes as he sits up and finds that he is surrounded by a group of people he knows all too well. But he doesn’t yell, fight or even insult; instead ICE Beckman smiles.)
Geoff: Hello ICE.
ICE: Please don’t talk to me.
Geoff: Well the politeness is at least nice.
ICE: Shut the fuck up and have a drink, I bet you were a fun drunk.
Geoff: How did you know that?
ICE: Shut the fuck up.
Geoff: Got it.
ICE: Now Dee, yeah I make fun of you, but it’s fun, so yeah.
DEE: Apology accepted.
John: He never said sorry.
DEE: Hey did in his own way.
ICE: PJ, we are Not best friends, but I will take you to Vegas for your bachelor party when you Marry Dee’s mom.
PJ: Deal.
ICE: Buck, what can I say...I am better than you, just like I am Omega and Bobby, it is time for all three of you to admit it.
Buck: You compared me to Bobby Cairo and Jay Omega, I’ll take it...I’m all good.
ICE: And Brother you have a nice ass car.
John: Wow, what a thing to say...just what I wanted...I think I might cry.
ICE: Now, does anyone still give two shits about me going to rehab and getting sober.
Geoff: I do.
ICE: Anyone care about his opinion?
PJ: If I say no does that mean we don’t have to pay him?
ICE: It means I gave you what you wanted, now leave me alone.
DEE: I am good, go have fun ICE.
Buck: Can I come with?
John: Don’t get arrested; save that kinda story for XIII.
PJ: Where you going ICE?
ICE: I am going to...
(ICE pulls the beer from his front pocket, cracks it open and chugs it down. He then turns towards his friends and family as finally the restart button is broken.)
ICE: GET DRUNK!!
(ICE thinks a bit.)
ICE: Also now that I think about it I did drop acid last night when I got up to pee.
(ICE motions for his crew to follow him out as they head out into the city with a drunk mission on their minds as Geoff looks around at the empty room and says out loud.)
Geoff: Um, I actually never did get paid....fuck, I need a new job...and a drink.
Intervention meets Groundhog Day
