ARE YOU HARDCORE?: The Game Show
Mar 8, 2015 21:04:46 GMT -5
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Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Mar 8, 2015 21:04:46 GMT -5
You are Watching Drunk Money TV...stay tuned for our newest Game Show Creation...but first this word from our local sponsors.
(The commercial starts with lots of zooming in and out on groups of wrestling fans playing it up for the cameras in their faces.)
Narrator: Coming soon to a secured internet connection near you...the biggest thing in wrestling that no one really talks about, right Seth Lerch?
(A very quick clip of Seth from an unrelated interview appears on the screen.)
Seth: Huh?
(Back to the clips of wrestling fans.)
Narrator: See, for it is time for XII!!! The unsanctioned wrestling event of the year!! Complete with blood and violence that is way too much for normal TV, while besides the horrific shit the news shows you.
(We see images of ambulances, hospitals and a graveyard.)
Narrator: So go ahead and send your checks to the following address: Attention Corey Black, 6969 Burning Hammer Drive, Parts Unknown, Pennsylvania.
Warning Narrator: Warning, Show may Never Air, Checks Will NOT Be Returned. For a complete copy of the program seek you own imagination.
(The commercial fades away as the show begins with a series of flashing and bright graphics streaming across the screen in front of a sea of applauding audience members.)
Game Show Narrator: Hey there America...welcome to the greatest new thing in the game show world...Welcome to the show that separates the weak from the freak...welcome to...
Crowd: ARE YOUR HARDCORE?!!
Game Show Narrator: That’s right and here is your host for Are Your Hardcore? He is the best World Champion in Wrestling EVER! Not to mention the uncrowned king of the Hardcore Scene, and according to the Guinness Book of World Records and Chelsea Armstrong, and Chelsea’s jealous first, the World Greatest Lover....Please give a round of applause for Natural ICE Beckman!!!
(ICE comes out onto the stage, smiling and waving like the great actor he loves to be. He adjusts his sharp suit until it becomes sharper as he flashes his world title worthy smile at the camera as a sign for the fans to quiet down.)
ICE: Welcome to the show Hardcore Maniacs. Now tell me, are you ready to go Hardcore?!!
Crowd: YES!!!
ICE: Really? Because I would rather get Worldly...I mean....alright, yay and shit...now let’s meet our three contestants and see if they can answer the question...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
ICE: Fuck, I got this crowd trained better than Bobby does Kaz or Jay does his robot butler he nicknamed Professor Tug-job.
(The crowd claps like seals.)
ICE: Coming out first, he is one of the major reason the Allies made Hitler bend over, he is a true grit son of a bitch and proud of it, he is the world famous World War II general....General Patton!!
(An actor playing Patton comes walking out in a U.S. Army officer’s uniform that is covered in metals. His broad shoulders help him stand tall as he carries a leather riding whip that matches his brown leather boots. And the whole look is topped off with a green helmet with four white stars that sits above his stern expression.)
ICE: Mr. Patton, welcome to the show.
General Patton: That is General Patton you hippie loving common civilian! Now stand up straight and salute me for giving you the gift of freedom!
ICE: What about a causal wave instead?
General Patton: Fine, but not one of those gay little girly waves, rather wave like a man does.
(ICE flicks off Patton.)
ICE: How about that?
General Patton: Insulting, disrespectful, extremely brash...I will take it.
ICE: Good, because that is the best you are getting. And our next contestant; he is God’s nemesis, the first fallen angel, the king of hell...he is Satan!!!
(A little tiny shrimp of a man comes walking out in a suit that is small like his little head and tight like his tense walk. The little nervous man makes his way to the second game show podium next to the frowning General Patton.)
General Patton: What the hell is going on here? I haven’t been this shocked since we let the black man into the army! I mean what the hell...this isn’t Satan!!
ICE: How would you know?
General Patton: Let’s just say the true devil and I made a deal once, and hell, if you complain about that you can move to Germany.
ICE: Home of great beer and bratwurst, pretty much a second Wisconsin; that sounds kinda nice actually. But Patton is right, you sure the fuck aren’t the Devil, so who the fuck are you?
Morton: I am Morton, Mr. ICE Beckman sir, I am the Devil’s accountant. He sent me in his place, for the dark lord is busy.
General Patton: Busy? Doing what?!
Morton: He made me promise not to tell.
General Patton: Tell us before I shove this whip up your asshole boy!!
ICE: Looks like the General is trying to score some Hardcore sex bonus points before that round actually starts.
Morton: Fine, I will tell you, he is busy watching the season finale of Downton Abbey.
General Patton: Oh well shush your mouth, no spoiler alerts, I am recording that!
ICE: So much for those bonus hardcore points for Patton, and finally our last contestant, he is a member of the A-Team, the badass Mohawk having, gold neck chain King...he is no Sucka...he is Mr. T!!!
(Mr. T comes walking out to the sound of clapping as he takes his place behind the third podium.)
Mr. T: I am here Sucka! Now start the show!
ICE: You got it T! Now for those who don’t know, this is a game where we use three challenging rounds to determine the Hardcore Champ of the Day and that Hardcore Champ of the Day then gets to compete in the Hardcore Bonus Round for a chance to win this...
Game Show Narrator: A lifetime supply of Hardcore Porn including Anal Teens 4 and Bondage Babes 9! A free trip around the world with stays in the slumps of Bangkok as a part-time lady boy, a temperature reader for six months unmanned oil rig in the Arctic ocean and an Ebola nurse in Northern Africa!
General Patton: Oh, I have been there before, kinda full of War, but very nice sunsets.
Game Show Narrator: And of course the title of being a champion of...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?!
ICE: Very good. And now the first round...the trivia round.
Mr. T: Mr. T is no Sucka! He knows everything!!
ICE: Very good T, now are you ready to play?
Mr. T: I am not sure.
ICE: Okay, so much for knowing everything...now our first question...for 100 bucks, if Bobby Cairo Hardcore?
BUZZ IN!!!
General Patton: Those pyramid building towel heads are NOT hardcore.
DING!
ICE: That is correct...Bobby is nothing more than a figure head of a man more concerned with his own comforts than he is feeling pain like a man.
Morton: Excuse me, who is Bobby Cairo?
ICE: Oh Morton, I am sure you are a kiss ass in hell in order to keep your job, but comments like that here WILL also work...you get a bonus 100 bucks!
Mr. T: I also don’t know who this Bobby fellow is?
ICE: Oh good try T, but sucking up is not hardcore...well unless you are the star of Animal Farm tit sex 7...which of course you are not Mr. T, so minus 100 bucks.
Mr. T: I pity the fool who takes money from Mr. T!!!
ICE: Alright then, next question...True or False, Jay Omega is the Worst United States Champion since Bruce Jenner started to become a Woman?!
BUZZ IN!!!
Morton: I am going to guess since you are facing Jay Omega at XIII...False.
WRONG!!!
ICE: Oh sorry Morton, that is false since Jay Omega is the Worst United States Champion...Ever.
Crowd: Ahhhh.
General Patton: I thought that was Canada...bunch of hockey playing beavers...and not to even mention the Mexicans.
ICE: Sorry George, no extra points for hardcore racism, that is too easy or as we like to call it around here...we call that pulling a Cairo. Now final question for round one...who is the most Hardcore man in Professional Wrestling?
BUZZ IN!!
Mr. T: I am going to say Hulk Hogan! No wait, me...no wait Hogan...no wait...both him and I!!!
WRONG!!!
Mr. T: Come on Sucka!
Morton: Come on Mr. T, of course ICE wants you to say him as the answer.
General Patton: I might know who this Hogan man is, but even I know the answer was this ICE host character.
Mr. T: Well then why didn’t you buzz in Sucka?!
General Patton: I was busy giving the red, white and blue stink eye to that Jap in the front row.
ICE: Alright, like I said already Patton, no bonus points for racism, but you do get some money for saying me...the next Hardcore but more Likely World Champion!!!
Morton: This game is starting to confuse me.
ICE: And it only gets more confusing Right After this Message!!!
(The show goes to commercial as ICE begins to head over to talk one on one with the contestants, but quickly B-lines past them towards the beer keg waiting just off stage...
...the commercial opens on images of a beautifully landscaped institution. The commercial goes to inside the facility where a spikey haired blonde doctor is tapping on the glass of a fish tank before he notices the camera on him.)
Dr. Oh Man: Hey there, friends...I am a moron-I Mean doctor...wait, I mean both.
(The commercial shows Dr. Oh Man hugging a very large man while at the same time going to grab his flabby butt.)
Dr. Oh Man: And here at the Brain Trauma Drama Institute we specialize in helping those with brain owies get sorta better...that is right I said Sorta. Can you image that? Being sorta better...that is like me remembering what the word imagine means.
(Another short video plays of Dr. Oh Man helping a large stray dog into a bathtub like he is an actual patient at the facility.)
Dr. Oh Man: I mean my head hurts, and hurted and still hurts and hurted to this day and that is why I know I like Jello, I mean I can help you, well that means I really like helping people and Jello baths and Rosie O’Donnell stand up. She might be fat and sassy, but I know she is fat and sassy.
(The commercial shows Dr. Oh Man making out with a poster from the movie A League of their Own.)
Dr. Oh Man: So come here to wherever we are right now and let me, whoever I am help you, for I might not have good brain...but me have coat...white in color...long...like doctor who told me who can choose to be boy or girl.
(One last image of Dr. Oh Man dressed like Rosie O’Donnell in a group hug with a bunch of house plants. The commercial begins)
Nurse: Remember at Brain Trauma Drama Institute you don’t have to remember for we aren’t just employees but patients...now....um, what were we talking about...cause honestly I am feeling a bit tired, maybe I will grab a nap.
(Dr. Oh Man walks by just as the nurse finishing her speech.)
Dr. Oh Man: Good thinking...for the best thing for me when my head hurt is to sleep it off, take a break and come back better than leather, I mean ever...I think.
(The two smile before they both fall face first to the ground as soft music plays the commercial jingle to end it...
“When your big old brain is drained, think B.T.D.I. and in the end you might not die.”
Fast Talking Narrator: In in accordance with the lawsuit, B.T.D.I . vs the Nelson family the following Warning: coming to the B.T.D.I. will actually increase your chance of injury, pain and possible death.
...the show comes back with a standing ovation from the crowd sort of because they are enjoying the program but mostly because the game show has moved to an old studio that is currently under delayed construction with unfinished bleachers. The camera spins around to show the entire set is the very old Legend of the Hidden Temple children’s game show set. The giant hidden temple is no longer hidden with fake palms but now mostly with cobwebs and fallen props.)
ICE: Welcome back to Are You Hardcore? And as you can see we have switched places for Round 2. In this round we are going to challenge our contestants hardcore thinking, hardcore reacting and hardcore perseverance skills as we send them all into the Hidden Temple in order to find this legendary artifact...
(The camera zooms in on the final room where a half working spotlight shines down on a WCF Hardcore toy belt available on WCFShopzone.com for only $19.95)
ICE: That’s right, here in round 2 you will be fighting for ZMAC’s stolen Hardcore title, which is worth $200 in this game.
Mr. T: Oh sucka, T needs that, T needs more gold bling!
Morton: You know that thing isn’t real gold.
Mr. T: Neither is all this jewelry; but T keeps it real.
General Patton: You keep it real by wearing fake crap, sounds like Nazi logic to me.
Mr. T: T doesn’t get that reference.
ICE: Nobody does, now time to start the race into the temple. But before I let you go, I must warn you, be weary for temple guards. They are hidden in the shadows and if they grab you, your chances of capturing the title will get much worse.
General Patton: If anyone tries grabbing me I will break their thumbs off and shove them into their own eyeballs.
DEE: (from somewhere in the hidden temple)...Wait, What was that?
ICE: Shut up Dee, I mean temple guard....Now, Ready....Set....GO!!!
(Morton is off like a bullet with Patton and Mr. T hand fighting as they run up the stairs into the temple behind him.)
ICE: Now to spice things up a little the temple rooms have themes that are meant to both be mysterious and terrifying, for example Morton has just entered Bobby’s Rage Room...the place where Bobby Cairo takes out all the rage in order to keep that calm exterior.
Morton: Ah the floor is covered in broken mayonnaise bottles and beanie babies with no heads.
ICE: Yes for as we all know Bobby takes his rage out by stress eating mayonnaise and ripping the heads off beanie baby toys, don’t we people?
(Nothing but crickets from the crowd.)
ICE: Or not...Now Morton needs to reattach three heads in order to open the door and continue on. And it looks like Mr. T and Patton have both chose to go down the slide and into Jay Omega’s coin money pit!!
Mr. T: Hehehe...this is fun!!
General Patton: For America!!
ICE: Oh Patton just landed right on top of Mr. T!
Mr. T: Get off Me, Sucka!!
ICE: Now to get out of this room you must eat three of Jay’s “gold” coins.
Mr. T: I wear gold Sucka, I don’t eat it like some dang fool.
General Patton: It is chocolate, and quite delicious I must say.
ICE: And as we all know Jay’s is truly broke and his fortune is nothing my a lie.
(The crowd again gives ICE nothing but silence.)
Random Crowd Member: Doesn’t he buy planes and stuff a lot?
ICE: Hey People! Just because you have to all stand don’t get bitchy, now back to the game and our three hardcore contestants.
(ICE turns back to look at the temple.)
ICE: Oh and look Patton and Mr. T are still eating the chocolate coins, haven’t you guys eaten three yet?
Mr. T: They’re good Sucka, besides its good for my diabetes.
General Patton: Actually they aren’t.
ICE: Come on guys, move your god damn butts, this shit is hardcore.
Mr. T: Hey Sucka diabetes is hardcore, it’s no joke!
General Patton: It is one of the leading causes of death in the United States.
ICE: Well at least Morton is still trying, he is now in Bobby’s Throne of thickness room. Careful that room is very stick and that isn’t glue.
Crowd: Ewwww.
(Suddenly a skinny temple guard leaps out.)
ICE: Oh No! Watch out Morton! It’s a Temple Guard!
DEE: BOOGY BIDDY BOO!...please don’t hurt me!
Morton: IN THE NAME OF DIABLO I WILL NOW RAIN FIRE!!!
(Morton throws DEE off the second level of the set and into the fallen set pieces below.)
ICE: Holy cow, a new side of Morton, I like it. Now all he has to do is climb up the throne and grab the belt to win!!! And he did it, Morton gets the $200!!
(Dee comes stumbling out from the dark in which he fell into.)
DEE: Oh, lucky for me I feel onto the foamy head of Ohmac, hey what ever happened to temple guard PJ?
(Suddenly PJ springs out of the coins right next to General Patton.)
PJ: AHHHHHH!!!... I mean, GRR-
(Patton punches him in the face while not missing a beat on chomping away on the chocolate.)
ICE: Alright time for a commercial, but we got the third round coming up and this is still anyone’s game, right here on...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(The show heads to another commercial break as the crowd looks happy to be filing out back to the first television studio...
...this advertisement opens up with a concerned looking coupe sitting at their kitchen table with piles of bills surrounding them.)
Husband: I just don’t know what we are going to do about all these problems we are having.
Wife: If only there was someone who could give us true, honest and good advice.
Mr. Sethman: That is where I come in.
(An actor who looks much like Seth, WCF CEO, comes walking into the scene placing a hand on the shoulder of each person.)
Husband: Who are you?
Mr. Sethman: I am Mr. Sethman, professional advisor.
Wife: So you can help us?
Mr. Sethman: Sort of...you see it all started a few years ago for me...(starts making himself a drink)...you don’t mind if I make a drink, do you?
Wife: Actually we were saving that for our anniversary.
Mr. Sethman: Great, thanks, now there I was a moron making moronic mistakes that were really making my life difficult. And then I figured it out, why deal with my own problems when I could just pay someone else to.
Husband: So if you are just going to ask someone else to do it for us, why do we need you?
Mr. Sethman: Because when you are an annoying asshole like I am, and I am guessing you both are, you know since you have all these problems, then you find people don’t want to do you favors. But if you trick them or beg really well or cry for help, often it works. In fact I find crying for help works the best.
Wife: So you are saying you can get all these bills to go away; well I do like the sound of that.
Mr. Sethman: I sure can...watch.
(Seth begins to unzip his pants.)
Wife: Oh my, what is he doing?
Husband: Oh lord, I think he is going to pee on the bills.
Wife: Let’s get out of here.
(The couple runs from the kitchen as Sethman begins to climb a chair.)
Mr. Sethman: See, you are already getting away from your bills...now if you could run the faucet maybe, that always helps me go.
(The logo of Sethman Advision INC. comes on the screen just in time to cover up Sethman’s urination resolution plan.)
Mr. Sethman: Sethman Advising Incorporated, “Where if we can’t find someone to fix your problems, we will at least Pee on them.”
(The commercial ends with the couple calling for the cops...
...the once again sitting audience gives a round of joyous applause as the Game Show comes back from break with ICE’s trademark smile slapped on the host’s face.)
ICE: Welcome back to Are You Hardcore? Now it is time for the third round, the one that will truly decide who will be going on to play for the title of Hardcore Master in Round 4.
Morton: Meaning the first two rounds were meaningless?
ICE: Pretty much.
Mr. T: You mean I ate all that chocolate for nothing.
ICE: Once again T, I told you that you only had to eat THREE of the fucking chocolates! Now in this round the rules are simple...in true hardcore sense...there are no rules. Now the simple goal is to hit each other with another not bolted down...last man standing wins.
Morton: Can I ask a question?
ICE: Nope! TIME FOR ROUND THREEE: TIME FOR ALL OUT HARD WAR!!!
(Suddenly from the ceiling drops trash cans full of weapons and items begins to drop like it is raining on the planet hardcore.)
General Patton: Now this is my sort of challenge, men fighting hand to hand combat like true warriors! Let the best man-
(Patton gets knocks out as a trash can slams right on his head.
General Patton: Tell me mommy that I want to grow up to be a hippy.
(Patton slumps over his podium as he blacks out.)
ICE: Oh, and just like that we are down to 2 contestants!!
Mr. T: Me versus little sucka! I like my odds!
Morton: Don’t count me out yet! For if there is one thing Satan taught me, it was never show weakness...unless it’s used as a disguise to fool your future victims.
(And with a huge burst of fiery smoke the little Morton turns into a monster dark angel, complete with fire wings, black twisted horns and hooved feet.)
ICE: Whoa, I did not see that coming, but Awesome twist!
Mr. T: Who you calling a Fool, SUCKA!!!?!
(Mr. T begins grab anything he can get his hands on slam into onto the now horned head of Morton.)
Mr. T: How you like this Stop Sign Sucka!?
Morton: It feels great!
Mr. T: How about this 2x4 Sucka!?
Morton: Pain Only Makes Me Stronger...Pain, and eating Hostess Snowballs...hell is a strange place.
Mr. T: Alright Sucka! How about this cinder block!
ICE: Whoops, that wasn’t supposed to be in there...not that is mattered since it just turned to dust the moment is smashed over Morton’s head and Morton is still smiling.
Morton: This is more of an evil grin.
Mr. T: Well like I told Hannibal on our last episode of A-Team, “Please help me get another job, I have huge debts at my local jewelry store!”
ICE: What?
Mr. T: I mean the other thing I said,...”You got balls man!!”
Morton: Huh?
(Mr. T goes as hardcore as it gets and kicks Morton between the ring like Mr. T’s last name is Vinatieri!)
ICE: Oh and Morton is turning red...well redder...and he is wobbling.
Morton: (in a high pitch voice)...not cool man, not cool.
(Morton titters and totters but falls to the ground all the same. The moment he hits the ground buzzes and whistles begin to play as a sea of colorful confetti falls from the rafters.)
ICE: And that is it...Mr. T has Won Round 3 and has earned the right to prove his is a hardcore master!
Mr. T: You know I am, Sucka.
ICE: Alright, but for the sake of the show, let’s go ahead and make sure with Round Four anyhow. Now why we get Mr. T ready for Round 4 I will quickly explain the rules. You see a true Hardcore master must be able to deal with insanity and chaos all while keeping things in order. That is why this Round is called the Super Bonus Cooking Contest while Talking Shit with Making Jokes as Pies are Thrown Out You combined with more Trivia and eating Gross Bugs while also being dressed like an American Founder Round. Or maybe we should just call it the Final Round for short. Now Mr. T, it is time to find out...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(You see Mr. T standing in front of a blue wall. He is now wearing a Benjamin Franklin costume and a pair of protective eye goggles. He is standing behind a counter full of cooking items and above him hangs a bowl of tarantulas.)
ICE: Alright T, are you ready?
Mr. T: If I could just get a second to adjust my necklaces.
ICE: Not exactly a hardcore request...so sorry, denied...Now you have 60 Seconds to Get this All Done T...Ready...Set...GO!!!
(Mr. T begins to grab for the cook ware.)
ICE: Okay Mr. T, I need you to make me a perfect plate of scrambled eggs!
Mr. T: You got it Sucka!
ICE: Quick Mr. T, say something mean about Bobby Cairo.
Mr. T: I am not exactly sure who that Sucka is, but someone told me in the back that his face looks like a disco era pussy!
ICE: That was me T, but nice answer, now make a joke about Jay Omega!
Mr. T: Who is Jay Omega Sucka?
ICE: Good one, now PIE HIM!
(Cream pies begin to fly from off screen, covering T, the cookware and everything else around him.)
Mr. T: I got cream in my eye.
ICE: Come on T, stay tough, do you think Bobby lets Kaz stop when he gets cream in his eyes.
Mr. T: What you talking about fool?!!
ICE: No time Mr. T, you only got 15 seconds, left, quick answer this question, is Bobby Cairo a true World Champion?
Mr. T: He has the title doesn’t he Sucka?
ICE: Tough to hear, but Correct!! Now quick only 5 seconds left take a bite of a Spider!
Mr. T: Damn you SUCKA!!!
(Mr. T bites down on the spider’s head just as the final buzzer goes off.)
ICE: Judges, can I get a ruling...is Mr. T Hardcore?
(Mr. T stands there, holding a plate of scrambled eggs, his face covered in spiders guts and whip cream, his powdered wig sitting off centered as he waits to hear if he wins.)
NOOOOO!!!
Crowd: AWWWW!!
ICE: Oh sorry Mr. T you are not Hardcore!
Mr. T: COME ON SUCKA!!! LOOK AT ME!! How am I not Hardcore?
ICE: It appears you lost when you said yes to wearing the safety goggles.
Crowd: Awww.
Mr. T: Damn SUCKA Damn!
ICE: Sorry T, but thanks for playing and as a consolation prize you get this...
Game Show Narrator: You get, Are You Hardcore Home Version, Warning do not play without trained EMTs on scene...now back to you ICE man.
ICE: Thanks and sorry we didn’t have a winner tonight, but I have a feeling come XIII, I will show the World how Hardcore I truly am...or even better, show the hardcore people how WORLDLY I am...either way...one thing is sure I will answer the question about myself of...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(The people applaud as ICE mumbles something about needing a joke as T says he will join him as credits roll and the show fades to black.)
After the Show
(John Beckman walks up to ICE Beckman, who is loosening his tie and washing down the hate with help of a flask.)
John: Well, I have to say, shit is getting pretty weird so far this week.
ICE: Just showing people how I work.
John: And how is that?
ICE: A lot.
John: So, what strange this is next.
ICE: Fuck man, it is XIII week, who fucking knows...all I can say is...stay tuned.
ARE YOU HARDCORE?: The Game Show
(The commercial starts with lots of zooming in and out on groups of wrestling fans playing it up for the cameras in their faces.)
Narrator: Coming soon to a secured internet connection near you...the biggest thing in wrestling that no one really talks about, right Seth Lerch?
(A very quick clip of Seth from an unrelated interview appears on the screen.)
Seth: Huh?
(Back to the clips of wrestling fans.)
Narrator: See, for it is time for XII!!! The unsanctioned wrestling event of the year!! Complete with blood and violence that is way too much for normal TV, while besides the horrific shit the news shows you.
(We see images of ambulances, hospitals and a graveyard.)
Narrator: So go ahead and send your checks to the following address: Attention Corey Black, 6969 Burning Hammer Drive, Parts Unknown, Pennsylvania.
Warning Narrator: Warning, Show may Never Air, Checks Will NOT Be Returned. For a complete copy of the program seek you own imagination.
(The commercial fades away as the show begins with a series of flashing and bright graphics streaming across the screen in front of a sea of applauding audience members.)
Game Show Narrator: Hey there America...welcome to the greatest new thing in the game show world...Welcome to the show that separates the weak from the freak...welcome to...
Crowd: ARE YOUR HARDCORE?!!
Game Show Narrator: That’s right and here is your host for Are Your Hardcore? He is the best World Champion in Wrestling EVER! Not to mention the uncrowned king of the Hardcore Scene, and according to the Guinness Book of World Records and Chelsea Armstrong, and Chelsea’s jealous first, the World Greatest Lover....Please give a round of applause for Natural ICE Beckman!!!
(ICE comes out onto the stage, smiling and waving like the great actor he loves to be. He adjusts his sharp suit until it becomes sharper as he flashes his world title worthy smile at the camera as a sign for the fans to quiet down.)
ICE: Welcome to the show Hardcore Maniacs. Now tell me, are you ready to go Hardcore?!!
Crowd: YES!!!
ICE: Really? Because I would rather get Worldly...I mean....alright, yay and shit...now let’s meet our three contestants and see if they can answer the question...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
ICE: Fuck, I got this crowd trained better than Bobby does Kaz or Jay does his robot butler he nicknamed Professor Tug-job.
(The crowd claps like seals.)
ICE: Coming out first, he is one of the major reason the Allies made Hitler bend over, he is a true grit son of a bitch and proud of it, he is the world famous World War II general....General Patton!!
(An actor playing Patton comes walking out in a U.S. Army officer’s uniform that is covered in metals. His broad shoulders help him stand tall as he carries a leather riding whip that matches his brown leather boots. And the whole look is topped off with a green helmet with four white stars that sits above his stern expression.)
ICE: Mr. Patton, welcome to the show.
General Patton: That is General Patton you hippie loving common civilian! Now stand up straight and salute me for giving you the gift of freedom!
ICE: What about a causal wave instead?
General Patton: Fine, but not one of those gay little girly waves, rather wave like a man does.
(ICE flicks off Patton.)
ICE: How about that?
General Patton: Insulting, disrespectful, extremely brash...I will take it.
ICE: Good, because that is the best you are getting. And our next contestant; he is God’s nemesis, the first fallen angel, the king of hell...he is Satan!!!
(A little tiny shrimp of a man comes walking out in a suit that is small like his little head and tight like his tense walk. The little nervous man makes his way to the second game show podium next to the frowning General Patton.)
General Patton: What the hell is going on here? I haven’t been this shocked since we let the black man into the army! I mean what the hell...this isn’t Satan!!
ICE: How would you know?
General Patton: Let’s just say the true devil and I made a deal once, and hell, if you complain about that you can move to Germany.
ICE: Home of great beer and bratwurst, pretty much a second Wisconsin; that sounds kinda nice actually. But Patton is right, you sure the fuck aren’t the Devil, so who the fuck are you?
Morton: I am Morton, Mr. ICE Beckman sir, I am the Devil’s accountant. He sent me in his place, for the dark lord is busy.
General Patton: Busy? Doing what?!
Morton: He made me promise not to tell.
General Patton: Tell us before I shove this whip up your asshole boy!!
ICE: Looks like the General is trying to score some Hardcore sex bonus points before that round actually starts.
Morton: Fine, I will tell you, he is busy watching the season finale of Downton Abbey.
General Patton: Oh well shush your mouth, no spoiler alerts, I am recording that!
ICE: So much for those bonus hardcore points for Patton, and finally our last contestant, he is a member of the A-Team, the badass Mohawk having, gold neck chain King...he is no Sucka...he is Mr. T!!!
(Mr. T comes walking out to the sound of clapping as he takes his place behind the third podium.)
Mr. T: I am here Sucka! Now start the show!
ICE: You got it T! Now for those who don’t know, this is a game where we use three challenging rounds to determine the Hardcore Champ of the Day and that Hardcore Champ of the Day then gets to compete in the Hardcore Bonus Round for a chance to win this...
Game Show Narrator: A lifetime supply of Hardcore Porn including Anal Teens 4 and Bondage Babes 9! A free trip around the world with stays in the slumps of Bangkok as a part-time lady boy, a temperature reader for six months unmanned oil rig in the Arctic ocean and an Ebola nurse in Northern Africa!
General Patton: Oh, I have been there before, kinda full of War, but very nice sunsets.
Game Show Narrator: And of course the title of being a champion of...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?!
ICE: Very good. And now the first round...the trivia round.
Mr. T: Mr. T is no Sucka! He knows everything!!
ICE: Very good T, now are you ready to play?
Mr. T: I am not sure.
ICE: Okay, so much for knowing everything...now our first question...for 100 bucks, if Bobby Cairo Hardcore?
BUZZ IN!!!
General Patton: Those pyramid building towel heads are NOT hardcore.
DING!
ICE: That is correct...Bobby is nothing more than a figure head of a man more concerned with his own comforts than he is feeling pain like a man.
Morton: Excuse me, who is Bobby Cairo?
ICE: Oh Morton, I am sure you are a kiss ass in hell in order to keep your job, but comments like that here WILL also work...you get a bonus 100 bucks!
Mr. T: I also don’t know who this Bobby fellow is?
ICE: Oh good try T, but sucking up is not hardcore...well unless you are the star of Animal Farm tit sex 7...which of course you are not Mr. T, so minus 100 bucks.
Mr. T: I pity the fool who takes money from Mr. T!!!
ICE: Alright then, next question...True or False, Jay Omega is the Worst United States Champion since Bruce Jenner started to become a Woman?!
BUZZ IN!!!
Morton: I am going to guess since you are facing Jay Omega at XIII...False.
WRONG!!!
ICE: Oh sorry Morton, that is false since Jay Omega is the Worst United States Champion...Ever.
Crowd: Ahhhh.
General Patton: I thought that was Canada...bunch of hockey playing beavers...and not to even mention the Mexicans.
ICE: Sorry George, no extra points for hardcore racism, that is too easy or as we like to call it around here...we call that pulling a Cairo. Now final question for round one...who is the most Hardcore man in Professional Wrestling?
BUZZ IN!!
Mr. T: I am going to say Hulk Hogan! No wait, me...no wait Hogan...no wait...both him and I!!!
WRONG!!!
Mr. T: Come on Sucka!
Morton: Come on Mr. T, of course ICE wants you to say him as the answer.
General Patton: I might know who this Hogan man is, but even I know the answer was this ICE host character.
Mr. T: Well then why didn’t you buzz in Sucka?!
General Patton: I was busy giving the red, white and blue stink eye to that Jap in the front row.
ICE: Alright, like I said already Patton, no bonus points for racism, but you do get some money for saying me...the next Hardcore but more Likely World Champion!!!
Morton: This game is starting to confuse me.
ICE: And it only gets more confusing Right After this Message!!!
(The show goes to commercial as ICE begins to head over to talk one on one with the contestants, but quickly B-lines past them towards the beer keg waiting just off stage...
...the commercial opens on images of a beautifully landscaped institution. The commercial goes to inside the facility where a spikey haired blonde doctor is tapping on the glass of a fish tank before he notices the camera on him.)
Dr. Oh Man: Hey there, friends...I am a moron-I Mean doctor...wait, I mean both.
(The commercial shows Dr. Oh Man hugging a very large man while at the same time going to grab his flabby butt.)
Dr. Oh Man: And here at the Brain Trauma Drama Institute we specialize in helping those with brain owies get sorta better...that is right I said Sorta. Can you image that? Being sorta better...that is like me remembering what the word imagine means.
(Another short video plays of Dr. Oh Man helping a large stray dog into a bathtub like he is an actual patient at the facility.)
Dr. Oh Man: I mean my head hurts, and hurted and still hurts and hurted to this day and that is why I know I like Jello, I mean I can help you, well that means I really like helping people and Jello baths and Rosie O’Donnell stand up. She might be fat and sassy, but I know she is fat and sassy.
(The commercial shows Dr. Oh Man making out with a poster from the movie A League of their Own.)
Dr. Oh Man: So come here to wherever we are right now and let me, whoever I am help you, for I might not have good brain...but me have coat...white in color...long...like doctor who told me who can choose to be boy or girl.
(One last image of Dr. Oh Man dressed like Rosie O’Donnell in a group hug with a bunch of house plants. The commercial begins)
Nurse: Remember at Brain Trauma Drama Institute you don’t have to remember for we aren’t just employees but patients...now....um, what were we talking about...cause honestly I am feeling a bit tired, maybe I will grab a nap.
(Dr. Oh Man walks by just as the nurse finishing her speech.)
Dr. Oh Man: Good thinking...for the best thing for me when my head hurt is to sleep it off, take a break and come back better than leather, I mean ever...I think.
(The two smile before they both fall face first to the ground as soft music plays the commercial jingle to end it...
“When your big old brain is drained, think B.T.D.I. and in the end you might not die.”
Fast Talking Narrator: In in accordance with the lawsuit, B.T.D.I . vs the Nelson family the following Warning: coming to the B.T.D.I. will actually increase your chance of injury, pain and possible death.
...the show comes back with a standing ovation from the crowd sort of because they are enjoying the program but mostly because the game show has moved to an old studio that is currently under delayed construction with unfinished bleachers. The camera spins around to show the entire set is the very old Legend of the Hidden Temple children’s game show set. The giant hidden temple is no longer hidden with fake palms but now mostly with cobwebs and fallen props.)
ICE: Welcome back to Are You Hardcore? And as you can see we have switched places for Round 2. In this round we are going to challenge our contestants hardcore thinking, hardcore reacting and hardcore perseverance skills as we send them all into the Hidden Temple in order to find this legendary artifact...
(The camera zooms in on the final room where a half working spotlight shines down on a WCF Hardcore toy belt available on WCFShopzone.com for only $19.95)
ICE: That’s right, here in round 2 you will be fighting for ZMAC’s stolen Hardcore title, which is worth $200 in this game.
Mr. T: Oh sucka, T needs that, T needs more gold bling!
Morton: You know that thing isn’t real gold.
Mr. T: Neither is all this jewelry; but T keeps it real.
General Patton: You keep it real by wearing fake crap, sounds like Nazi logic to me.
Mr. T: T doesn’t get that reference.
ICE: Nobody does, now time to start the race into the temple. But before I let you go, I must warn you, be weary for temple guards. They are hidden in the shadows and if they grab you, your chances of capturing the title will get much worse.
General Patton: If anyone tries grabbing me I will break their thumbs off and shove them into their own eyeballs.
DEE: (from somewhere in the hidden temple)...Wait, What was that?
ICE: Shut up Dee, I mean temple guard....Now, Ready....Set....GO!!!
(Morton is off like a bullet with Patton and Mr. T hand fighting as they run up the stairs into the temple behind him.)
ICE: Now to spice things up a little the temple rooms have themes that are meant to both be mysterious and terrifying, for example Morton has just entered Bobby’s Rage Room...the place where Bobby Cairo takes out all the rage in order to keep that calm exterior.
Morton: Ah the floor is covered in broken mayonnaise bottles and beanie babies with no heads.
ICE: Yes for as we all know Bobby takes his rage out by stress eating mayonnaise and ripping the heads off beanie baby toys, don’t we people?
(Nothing but crickets from the crowd.)
ICE: Or not...Now Morton needs to reattach three heads in order to open the door and continue on. And it looks like Mr. T and Patton have both chose to go down the slide and into Jay Omega’s coin money pit!!
Mr. T: Hehehe...this is fun!!
General Patton: For America!!
ICE: Oh Patton just landed right on top of Mr. T!
Mr. T: Get off Me, Sucka!!
ICE: Now to get out of this room you must eat three of Jay’s “gold” coins.
Mr. T: I wear gold Sucka, I don’t eat it like some dang fool.
General Patton: It is chocolate, and quite delicious I must say.
ICE: And as we all know Jay’s is truly broke and his fortune is nothing my a lie.
(The crowd again gives ICE nothing but silence.)
Random Crowd Member: Doesn’t he buy planes and stuff a lot?
ICE: Hey People! Just because you have to all stand don’t get bitchy, now back to the game and our three hardcore contestants.
(ICE turns back to look at the temple.)
ICE: Oh and look Patton and Mr. T are still eating the chocolate coins, haven’t you guys eaten three yet?
Mr. T: They’re good Sucka, besides its good for my diabetes.
General Patton: Actually they aren’t.
ICE: Come on guys, move your god damn butts, this shit is hardcore.
Mr. T: Hey Sucka diabetes is hardcore, it’s no joke!
General Patton: It is one of the leading causes of death in the United States.
ICE: Well at least Morton is still trying, he is now in Bobby’s Throne of thickness room. Careful that room is very stick and that isn’t glue.
Crowd: Ewwww.
(Suddenly a skinny temple guard leaps out.)
ICE: Oh No! Watch out Morton! It’s a Temple Guard!
DEE: BOOGY BIDDY BOO!...please don’t hurt me!
Morton: IN THE NAME OF DIABLO I WILL NOW RAIN FIRE!!!
(Morton throws DEE off the second level of the set and into the fallen set pieces below.)
ICE: Holy cow, a new side of Morton, I like it. Now all he has to do is climb up the throne and grab the belt to win!!! And he did it, Morton gets the $200!!
(Dee comes stumbling out from the dark in which he fell into.)
DEE: Oh, lucky for me I feel onto the foamy head of Ohmac, hey what ever happened to temple guard PJ?
(Suddenly PJ springs out of the coins right next to General Patton.)
PJ: AHHHHHH!!!... I mean, GRR-
(Patton punches him in the face while not missing a beat on chomping away on the chocolate.)
ICE: Alright time for a commercial, but we got the third round coming up and this is still anyone’s game, right here on...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(The show heads to another commercial break as the crowd looks happy to be filing out back to the first television studio...
...this advertisement opens up with a concerned looking coupe sitting at their kitchen table with piles of bills surrounding them.)
Husband: I just don’t know what we are going to do about all these problems we are having.
Wife: If only there was someone who could give us true, honest and good advice.
Mr. Sethman: That is where I come in.
(An actor who looks much like Seth, WCF CEO, comes walking into the scene placing a hand on the shoulder of each person.)
Husband: Who are you?
Mr. Sethman: I am Mr. Sethman, professional advisor.
Wife: So you can help us?
Mr. Sethman: Sort of...you see it all started a few years ago for me...(starts making himself a drink)...you don’t mind if I make a drink, do you?
Wife: Actually we were saving that for our anniversary.
Mr. Sethman: Great, thanks, now there I was a moron making moronic mistakes that were really making my life difficult. And then I figured it out, why deal with my own problems when I could just pay someone else to.
Husband: So if you are just going to ask someone else to do it for us, why do we need you?
Mr. Sethman: Because when you are an annoying asshole like I am, and I am guessing you both are, you know since you have all these problems, then you find people don’t want to do you favors. But if you trick them or beg really well or cry for help, often it works. In fact I find crying for help works the best.
Wife: So you are saying you can get all these bills to go away; well I do like the sound of that.
Mr. Sethman: I sure can...watch.
(Seth begins to unzip his pants.)
Wife: Oh my, what is he doing?
Husband: Oh lord, I think he is going to pee on the bills.
Wife: Let’s get out of here.
(The couple runs from the kitchen as Sethman begins to climb a chair.)
Mr. Sethman: See, you are already getting away from your bills...now if you could run the faucet maybe, that always helps me go.
(The logo of Sethman Advision INC. comes on the screen just in time to cover up Sethman’s urination resolution plan.)
Mr. Sethman: Sethman Advising Incorporated, “Where if we can’t find someone to fix your problems, we will at least Pee on them.”
(The commercial ends with the couple calling for the cops...
...the once again sitting audience gives a round of joyous applause as the Game Show comes back from break with ICE’s trademark smile slapped on the host’s face.)
ICE: Welcome back to Are You Hardcore? Now it is time for the third round, the one that will truly decide who will be going on to play for the title of Hardcore Master in Round 4.
Morton: Meaning the first two rounds were meaningless?
ICE: Pretty much.
Mr. T: You mean I ate all that chocolate for nothing.
ICE: Once again T, I told you that you only had to eat THREE of the fucking chocolates! Now in this round the rules are simple...in true hardcore sense...there are no rules. Now the simple goal is to hit each other with another not bolted down...last man standing wins.
Morton: Can I ask a question?
ICE: Nope! TIME FOR ROUND THREEE: TIME FOR ALL OUT HARD WAR!!!
(Suddenly from the ceiling drops trash cans full of weapons and items begins to drop like it is raining on the planet hardcore.)
General Patton: Now this is my sort of challenge, men fighting hand to hand combat like true warriors! Let the best man-
(Patton gets knocks out as a trash can slams right on his head.
General Patton: Tell me mommy that I want to grow up to be a hippy.
(Patton slumps over his podium as he blacks out.)
ICE: Oh, and just like that we are down to 2 contestants!!
Mr. T: Me versus little sucka! I like my odds!
Morton: Don’t count me out yet! For if there is one thing Satan taught me, it was never show weakness...unless it’s used as a disguise to fool your future victims.
(And with a huge burst of fiery smoke the little Morton turns into a monster dark angel, complete with fire wings, black twisted horns and hooved feet.)
ICE: Whoa, I did not see that coming, but Awesome twist!
Mr. T: Who you calling a Fool, SUCKA!!!?!
(Mr. T begins grab anything he can get his hands on slam into onto the now horned head of Morton.)
Mr. T: How you like this Stop Sign Sucka!?
Morton: It feels great!
Mr. T: How about this 2x4 Sucka!?
Morton: Pain Only Makes Me Stronger...Pain, and eating Hostess Snowballs...hell is a strange place.
Mr. T: Alright Sucka! How about this cinder block!
ICE: Whoops, that wasn’t supposed to be in there...not that is mattered since it just turned to dust the moment is smashed over Morton’s head and Morton is still smiling.
Morton: This is more of an evil grin.
Mr. T: Well like I told Hannibal on our last episode of A-Team, “Please help me get another job, I have huge debts at my local jewelry store!”
ICE: What?
Mr. T: I mean the other thing I said,...”You got balls man!!”
Morton: Huh?
(Mr. T goes as hardcore as it gets and kicks Morton between the ring like Mr. T’s last name is Vinatieri!)
ICE: Oh and Morton is turning red...well redder...and he is wobbling.
Morton: (in a high pitch voice)...not cool man, not cool.
(Morton titters and totters but falls to the ground all the same. The moment he hits the ground buzzes and whistles begin to play as a sea of colorful confetti falls from the rafters.)
ICE: And that is it...Mr. T has Won Round 3 and has earned the right to prove his is a hardcore master!
Mr. T: You know I am, Sucka.
ICE: Alright, but for the sake of the show, let’s go ahead and make sure with Round Four anyhow. Now why we get Mr. T ready for Round 4 I will quickly explain the rules. You see a true Hardcore master must be able to deal with insanity and chaos all while keeping things in order. That is why this Round is called the Super Bonus Cooking Contest while Talking Shit with Making Jokes as Pies are Thrown Out You combined with more Trivia and eating Gross Bugs while also being dressed like an American Founder Round. Or maybe we should just call it the Final Round for short. Now Mr. T, it is time to find out...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(You see Mr. T standing in front of a blue wall. He is now wearing a Benjamin Franklin costume and a pair of protective eye goggles. He is standing behind a counter full of cooking items and above him hangs a bowl of tarantulas.)
ICE: Alright T, are you ready?
Mr. T: If I could just get a second to adjust my necklaces.
ICE: Not exactly a hardcore request...so sorry, denied...Now you have 60 Seconds to Get this All Done T...Ready...Set...GO!!!
(Mr. T begins to grab for the cook ware.)
ICE: Okay Mr. T, I need you to make me a perfect plate of scrambled eggs!
Mr. T: You got it Sucka!
ICE: Quick Mr. T, say something mean about Bobby Cairo.
Mr. T: I am not exactly sure who that Sucka is, but someone told me in the back that his face looks like a disco era pussy!
ICE: That was me T, but nice answer, now make a joke about Jay Omega!
Mr. T: Who is Jay Omega Sucka?
ICE: Good one, now PIE HIM!
(Cream pies begin to fly from off screen, covering T, the cookware and everything else around him.)
Mr. T: I got cream in my eye.
ICE: Come on T, stay tough, do you think Bobby lets Kaz stop when he gets cream in his eyes.
Mr. T: What you talking about fool?!!
ICE: No time Mr. T, you only got 15 seconds, left, quick answer this question, is Bobby Cairo a true World Champion?
Mr. T: He has the title doesn’t he Sucka?
ICE: Tough to hear, but Correct!! Now quick only 5 seconds left take a bite of a Spider!
Mr. T: Damn you SUCKA!!!
(Mr. T bites down on the spider’s head just as the final buzzer goes off.)
ICE: Judges, can I get a ruling...is Mr. T Hardcore?
(Mr. T stands there, holding a plate of scrambled eggs, his face covered in spiders guts and whip cream, his powdered wig sitting off centered as he waits to hear if he wins.)
NOOOOO!!!
Crowd: AWWWW!!
ICE: Oh sorry Mr. T you are not Hardcore!
Mr. T: COME ON SUCKA!!! LOOK AT ME!! How am I not Hardcore?
ICE: It appears you lost when you said yes to wearing the safety goggles.
Crowd: Awww.
Mr. T: Damn SUCKA Damn!
ICE: Sorry T, but thanks for playing and as a consolation prize you get this...
Game Show Narrator: You get, Are You Hardcore Home Version, Warning do not play without trained EMTs on scene...now back to you ICE man.
ICE: Thanks and sorry we didn’t have a winner tonight, but I have a feeling come XIII, I will show the World how Hardcore I truly am...or even better, show the hardcore people how WORLDLY I am...either way...one thing is sure I will answer the question about myself of...
Crowd: ARE YOU HARDCORE?
(The people applaud as ICE mumbles something about needing a joke as T says he will join him as credits roll and the show fades to black.)
After the Show
(John Beckman walks up to ICE Beckman, who is loosening his tie and washing down the hate with help of a flask.)
John: Well, I have to say, shit is getting pretty weird so far this week.
ICE: Just showing people how I work.
John: And how is that?
ICE: A lot.
John: So, what strange this is next.
ICE: Fuck man, it is XIII week, who fucking knows...all I can say is...stay tuned.
ARE YOU HARDCORE?: The Game Show
