Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Nov 16, 2014 12:35:57 GMT -5
The falling leaves have been replaced by falling snow; the crunch under your feet is no longer from dry leaves, but frozen snow. The chill in the air has turn into downright cold; the closing of windows has been amplified by the turning on of heaters. When Natural ICE became your World Champion, the days were long, the sun was burning hot, but now the sun goes to sleep earlier and you have to hunch your shoulders from the northern wind...and still Natural ICE Beckman is your Champion. This is the time of the ICE Age and it is only going to get colder in the months to come.
(The Foam Lake high school gym is beginning to get crowded as the residents of the small town in Northern Wisconsin begin to file in to find their seats in the rafters or on the floor around the wrestling ring. Vendors walk the aisles offering popcorn and candy for sale. At the same time a long line has begun to form around the beer stall. There is a buzz in the air as even the local public access TV station has set up a few cameras around the gymnasium in order to catch whatever action is planned for the first ever show of Foam Lake Wrestling federation. Meanwhile in the physical education teacher’s office is your Word Champion, Natural ICE Beckman. With the World Title lying across his knee ICE is looking at the evening’s card and commenting on it to the man who put this all together, Buck Fucker.)
ICE: I don’t know about some of these matches, Buck.
Buck: Well it was the best I could do after you nixed some of the original matches I wanted to host.
ICE: Like Chelsea versus Buddy Roman.
Buck: I am telling you it is the match that everybody who is a supporter of Natural ICE wants to see.
ICE: Except for the one supporter who matters...me.
Buck: Fine, I get it; you don’t want to rock the boat that rocks your world. But I am telling Steve Orbit vs Zombie McMorris would have been epic.
ICE: They are partners and Tag Team Champions at that.
Buck: There is the hype and drama right there.
ICE: And what about the problem of getting them to agree to such a match?
Buck: You are the World Champion; can’t you just make them fight each other?
ICE: Not exactly how it works.
Buck: Hmmm, then what is the fun of being World Champion then?
(ICE stops and day dreams about the question...the fans cheering for him, the handshakes of respect he got, the fucking awesome parties that lasted to dawn...ICE smiles as Buck snaps his fingers to get him back to present time.)
Buck: Hey ICE, snap out of it!
ICE: Why, I am so happy here in dreamland?
Buck: Because we have a show to put on.
ICE: What about this Battle Royal, where did you find all these Middle Eastern guys?
Buck: They are actually just the high school hockey team. Foam Lake hockey hasn’t won a game in years, but the team does lead the league in plenty minutes every season. They fight everyone else, why not each other?...Plus I bought them a free keg.
ICE: And what about the main event, Me and You as a team against my older brother John and a mystery partner?
Buck: This is my chance to prove to how awesome we would be if you helped me get in WCF. And don’t worry about John, he is a rich bitch.
ICE: And what about this Ebola match?
Buck: Proof that only America can get rid of that shit disease.
ICE: And who did you get two actually play those roles?
Buck: Just a local drunk homeless man and ex-professional wrestler.
ICE: Well fuck man, I will give you this...should be an interesting night, possibly a very regretful night, but still interesting.
Buck: Now that is the fucking spirit dawg! Time to Pump it Up and Get Er Done!
(Buck slaps ICE Beckman on the back before exiting the office.)
ICE: And to think people think Dee and PJ are weird friends.
(ICE grabs his world title and his nearly empty flask before following Buck Fucker out of the room...
Static is seen on the screen...
The Following is a Production of Drunk Money Inc.
From Fuck that Buck Entertainment.
And LIVE on Foam Lake Public Access Television.
(The static fades to black which fades to a live shot inside the high school gymnasium. The Foam Lakers here the intro music kick and all begin to rise to their feet. The camera pans around the people who are cheering for start of the show and with some enthusiasm, thanks to cheap beer, discounted food and a warm place to watch others kick the shit out of each other for their entertainment. As the camera keeps panning around we see the many homemade signs pop up saying things like: “ICE is my Kid’s Daddy!”...”Buck Fucker Owes me $200, Seriously!”...”Dee and PJ are married!”...”John Beckman is a Rich Bitch Asshole!”. The camera tries not to show the worse of the worse language on the signs and instead turns to the ring as a familiar voice begins to come across the air waves.)
Hank Brown: Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to Foam Lake Wrestling! We are LIVE from where else but Foam Lake, Wisconsin! And we have a hell of a show for you folks at home tonight!!!
(Standing in the middle of the ring, with a microphone and a hand raised to quiet the crowd, is tonight’s Ring Announcer/main eventer....Buck Fucker. Soon the fans quiet down enough for him to speak over the gym’s PA system.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Welcome FOAM LAKERS!!!
(The cheap pop gets the crowd cheering!)
Ring Announcer Buck: What a night of action we have planned for you all tonight!!!
(Buck is interrupted during his warming up of the crowd by “Feels Good Inc.” by Gorillaz hitting the PA system!
The fans all turn and cheer their very own WORLD champion as Natural ICE Beckman comes walking in from the back. He stops for a moment, taken a bit back by the packed house, but he soon finds himself like the natural entertainer that he is. He raises the WCF World Title high above his head and soaks in the cheers like the ego sponge he is. He begins to walk down the aisle taking a few drinks of beers when offered from the fans. He walks up the metal ring steps, takes a moment to look out among his people and feels a touch of pride in his heart as he sees the American Flag hanging from the rafters above them all. He walks into the ring and takes the microphone from Buck Fucker. ICE then motions for Buck to leave the ring so he can have the moment all to himself. Like the skilled craftsman he is one the mic, ICE takes a few moments after the music is stopped to let a chant begin to ring out.)
Crowd: ICE...ICE...ICE!!
(ICE Beckman smiles and then brings the microphone up to his mouth to speak.)
ICE: Thank you that warm reception on this evening of the ICE AGE!!!
(Crowd pops with cheers.)
ICE: I have beaten the shit out of wrestlers all across the world, I have made them tap out, I have made them bleed and I have knocked them out so hard they don’t even remember facing me. But nowhere in the world do I feel more comfortable kicking the shit out of someone than right here in my home town of FOAM LAKE right in the heart of the fucking best country in the world, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERCA!!!
Crowd: FOAM LAKE...USA....FOAM LAKE...USA....FOAM LAKE...USA!!!
ICE: And that brings me to a match that won’t be taking place tonight. A match that I will be fighting in this week on WCF’s Slam against a man, a foreigner, an outsider from a land where oil talks and women don’t....that man, that rat, that scum of the earth known as Jahani al-Reb.
(The crowd gives a strong and passionate stream of Boos for the opponent of ICE Beckman.)
Hank Brown: It appears that this a very pro-American crowd, Very-Pro!
ICE: You see when I first saw that Seth the Skunk-
(Crowd boos Seth’s name as well.)
Crowd: Seth the Skunk... Seth the Skunk... Seth the Skunk!!!
Hank Brown: Another person that this crowd doesn’t seem to like, however in case Seth is listening I would just like to remind him that is not an opinion shared by this reporter and commentator.
ICE: As I was saying, when I first saw this match with me an al-Reb I was both happy and sad at the same time. You see, I was sad to see that al-Reb still collected a WCF paycheck. I figured that we had rid ourselves of that piece of shit and that he had crawled back under the rock in which he came from...but sadly I was wrong. But then I perked up and realized something, that now I would have a chance to hurt, I am mean really hurt that piece of fucking shit!!!
(The crowd cheers their World F’n Champion!)
ICE: You see to be honest I don’t know much about the man, then again from what I seen of his time on Twitter and from what I have seen of his actions in the ring, I don’t need to know the man well to know exactly who the fuck he is. He is just another oil laced, daddy’s little son, fuck face from the land of where men never grow up and fear basic human rights for what they might do to shake their self-centered little worlds. And for a lifetime of getting what he wants while breaking the backs of those in his community I am going to give him his lifetime achieved award...Also FUCKING Known As...My American Made Boot Right up his ass!!!
(The crowd matches ICE’s patriotic energy with cheers.)
ICE: Now I find it to be too awesome that earlier this week we celebrated Veteran’s Day here in the Greatest Country on the Earth. A holiday in which we as American’s are honored to thank those that have risked it all in order give is our rights...OUR FREEDOM!!
Crowd: USA!!!....USA!!!!....USA!!!!!
ICE: But it got me to thinking...Does Iraq, home of Mr. al-Reb, have national holidays where they honor the things that they value. I wonder Mr. al-Reb do you days where you cheer for Tyrant Leaders that used fear to control the masses? Do you have celebrations in which you cheer for the fact you fear a woman’s ideas? Do you have special days in which you sing pride the history of a nation that seems to never get it right? Or do you prefer to keep your shame in the shadows of the sand dunes where it belongs? Now I am not too stupid or naive not to know that America has its own share of Blake Eyes through-out the history of our nation. But lucky for me, I live in a country that has learned from its mistakes, but unlucky for al-Reb is from a place that hasn’t learned shit! And even more unlucky for al-Reb...come this Sunday at Slam it is not his country versus my country...it is me, the WCF World Champion, the Mother Fucker Who Just Doesn’t Lose...against, lonely old him. But really either way, USA vs Iraq, ICE vs al-reb, no matter how you spell it out....the guy is going to Lose...and LOSE BADLY!!
Crowd: ICE ICE...USA!!... ICE ICE...USA!!... ICE ICE...USA!!
ICE: But let’s focus on you al-Reb.
(The crowd boos that idea while ICE smiles and gives them his attractive look of sorry but we have too.)
ICE: al-Reb you are a scene description without a plot, you are a false front without an actual soul and every time you promote yourself you become more and more shallow of a character. You talk a big game about a single victory while ignoring the truth of your world, but from the sound of your background that is a trick your father must have taught you. Then again look at my background, one that I had to fight for, and one that I have earned; something that has been reenacted here in the WCF, where week after week, no matter the team, no matter the match...I WIN. And when you add the idea of American pride to my plate, I become even hungrier to eat. Leaving you al-Reb alone as the main course ready for the ICE Age to freeze over, OR as American likes to say it...FUCK YOU IF YOU DARE FUCK WITH ME!!
(The fanatic Foam Lakers all go nuts as a reverb to the energy ICE is giving off.)
ICE: Now let’s get this FUCKING Show Started!!!
(The crowd cheers as ICE takes a quick victory lap around the ring. ICE than tosses the microphone back to Buck, but does not head to the back...rather he heads over to the announcer’s table where he sits down by Hank Brown and puts on a head set.)
Hank Brown: And here I am being joined by my fellow commentator for the evening’s action.
ICE: How the fuck you doing Hank?
Hank Brown: Good as long as you remember our deal that I do this for Foam Lake Wrestling and you give me that interview I have been asking about for months.
ICE: Sure, whatever lie Buck told you.
Hank Brown: What?
ICE: Come on Hank, time to be a professional, for we have an evening of action to call.
(Back in the ring, Buck Fucker tosses his mullet aside as he calls out into the microphone.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Our opening bout to tonight cards is a singles match set for one fall...
(“Hot Blooded” by Foreigner hits the PA system...</font>
...the crowd all looks towards the entrance where a man dressed in an Ebola bacteria costume made from packaging material and PVC piping. He stumbles out from the back, doing his best to not fall over as he comes towards the ring, a big long piece of piping dangling above his head.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first...he has been a Major Headline in World News...he will make you shit and vomit at the Same time...he is EBOLA!!
(Ebola rolls into the ring, as Buck helps drag him in by his costume.)
Hank Brown: Ebola seems to be a little uncomfortable in that outfit!
ICE: He seems like a drunk homeless man.
Hank Brown: An interesting metaphor I suppose.
ICE: What metaphor? He is a drunk homeless man.
(The Foam Lakers boo Ebola as he is helped to his feet since his arms are bonded together by the silly and over-the-top costume.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And his opponent...
(“I’m a Real American” the Hulk Hogan song hits the PA and the locals go crazy for the throwback theme...
...out comes a professional wrestler from out past.)
Hank Brown: Is that Hulk Hogan? Sargent Slaughter?
ICE: Is it Macho Man? Ultimate Warrior?
Hank Brown: I think they are dead.
ICE: Really? I could have sworn I hung out with them some months ago.
Hank Brown: Wait...that is...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!
ICE: Fuck, Buck better not be excepting me to pay Hacksaw’s appearance fee.
(Buck Fucker winks at ICE Beckman before yelling into the microphone.)
Ring Announcer Buck: ...Born to bleed Red, White And Blue...the Only man who often attacked others with a 2x4 and still was called a face, he is a True American...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!
ICE: Wait, is that Sarah Twilight girl making an appearance here too?
Hank Brown: I think they are just yelling Hacksaw’s catch phrase.
(Duggan pleases the masses by returning the call out of one side of his mouth between salutes and thumbs up gestures. Hacksaw rolls into the ring and looks over to the poor homeless man with a one eye glare as the high school gym teacher who is tonight’s referee calls for the bell.)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And here we go.
ICE: And Duggan seems to be ready...meanwhile Ebola seems to be a bit confused about what is going on...probably looking for his next victim.
Hank Brown: I think he is just looking for the costume’s eye hole.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOO!!!
(Duggan gets down in a three point stance and runs at Ebola in order to knock him down with a mighty shoulder block!!)
Hank Brown: Ebola is down!
ICE: Not according to recent news reports!
(Duggan feels the American crowd’s energy and begins to stomp on the poor homeless man dressed as Ebola as the crowd chants.)
Crowd: USA! USA!! USA!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw is going for his 2x4 piece of lumber!
ICE: Known to most doctors as a Super-sized tongue depressor!
Hank Brown: Not sure about that.
ICE: It’s scientific Hank, trust me.
(Somehow, with some help from the ref, Ebola finds his way to his feet only to get...)
SWOOSH!
BAM!!!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw Jim Duggan just hit Ebola with his 2x4!!!!
ICE: And somewhere Obama wishes it was that easy!
Hank Brown: Ebola is down and out...and I think bleeding from his ears.
ICE: Ears? You mean that weird tail thing?
Hank Brown: Yeah, sure.
Jim Duggan: HOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw is going for the cover....1....2....
ICE: THREE!!!
Hank Brown: Hey, you stole my big line.
ICE: Trust me, I did it better than you could.
Hank Brown: It is just saying the number, how could you do it better than me?
ICE: Focus on the match Hank.
Ring Announcer Buck: And the winner of this match....AMERICA!!!
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan looks confused at first and then threatens Buck a bit with the lumber.)
Ring Announcer Buck: I mean, the winner of this match...representing America...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!!
(The crowd pops huge for the living legend as Duggan looks around with pried as he yanks up his extra-large blue tights.)
Hank Brown: Wow, watch an ass-kicking that was.
ICE: Reminds me of me versus al-Reb this Sunday.
Hank Brown: How can something that hasn’t happened yet remind you of something?
ICE: AMERICA!!!!...That’s why.
(Jim Duggan takes a few, well maybe a few too many, victory laps ringside, high fiving the locals and posing for a pictures as poor Ebola is dragged to the back by Buck Fucker.)
Hank Brown: Well that was never even close to a contest.
ICE: Just proof that when it comes to world problems America always gets the job done, just like WWI and WWII and The World Cup.
Hank Brown: I don’t believe the United States has ever won soccer’s World Cup.
ICE: Yeah, because Soccer sucks, hence that is how we have won it, by not winning it.
(Duggan makes his way to the back, still wondering a few things like, why is Hogan’s music playing and who the fuck is going to pay him his $10,000 appearance fee.)
Ring Announcer Buck: A now it is time for our Six Man Middle East Sucks Battle Royal!!
(The tipsy fans cheer the title of the match as Buck again smiles down as ICE, hoping the WCF Champion would see how well he plays to the audience, however ICE is too busy flicking Hank in the face after fooling him with old “what is that stain on your tie” trick...
...Some generic Middle Eastern music begins to play for each wrestler as they make their way to the ring.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first...he is the king of living in caves, eating worms and the best friend of every news TV producer in the country...he is the One Eye Wonder....He is EyE-SesS!!
(One of the many high school hockey players playing the part of wrestlers from the middle east comes out wearing a shit load of toilet paper wrapped around like a dollar store shitty mummy costume that only exposes one of his eyes. He walks to the ring with his hands straight out in front of him and with straight legs that cannot bend.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is hated by anyone with the last name Bush...he is the Champion of living in small holes for months at a time...he hates normality more than America...he is Saddam Insane In the Membrane!!
(The next hockey player comes out with a thick black mustache on his face and a tan military uniform that is covered in so many metals that his shirt is sagging to one side.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the best in the west in the east...the City Pity of Sand and Land...he is so thick with oil that his penis is constantly erect...he is Baghdad Brad.
(The player comes out wearing a robe wrapped around his torso, with saddles on his feet, a buzz cut on the top of his head and “I don’t give a shit” expression on his face. He scowls over the crowd as they boo him pissed off expression.)
Hank Brown: The crowd is really giving it to these “Middle East” men.
ICE: Yeah, they do seem pretty into the match, I hope they remember they aren’t actually men from the Middle East.
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the hater of tall buildings...he is the also a lover of living in caves and a man so hated many people have claimed to kill him...he is Al Qaeda AL!
(The next hockey player comes out in a bunch of dirty robes with an equally dirty salt and pepper colored beard that has twigs and bugs in it...his skinny arms reach high into the air and he waggles his finger at the angry fans.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the original Because My Daddy Said So...he likes naps and easy softball question and he really, really likes not being the ruler of the free world anymore...he also loves Florida’s poor ability to count votes....he is Mr. Mission Accomplished?!!
(This hockey player is dressed in a blue suit with a red tie and one of those cute little American flag pins. He seems a little lost on his way to the ring, being helped by others on exactly what he should be focusing on as he makes sure his grey wig stays on top of his head that is complete with a moronic grin.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the Boss of Whoops and the President of Maybe I said too much to Get this job...the only thing bigger than his ears is others hatred of his love of health care, he is...Iragret the Pull Out!
(The last man in the battle royal comes screaming out loud about Healthcare and why it isn’t such a bad idea that really gets the right wing crowd booing and jeering him. He waves to the people, but is quick to just smile and slip under the ropes into the ring to join the five other wrestlers in the battle Royal.)
Hank Brown: Wait, those last two competitors don’t seem very Middle East like.
ICE: Well they are hated in the Middle East and what do people talk about more than the things they hate.
Hank Brown: I don’t know...
ICE: You want that interview, right Hank?
Hank Brown: Like I was saying, makes sense to me!
(Buck checks out of the ring as the six hockey players, who are staying in character almost too well, begin to look around and wait for the bell to...)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And here we go, the Battle Royal is On!
ICE: And these guys seem to have a lot hate build up; if only Buddy was around to teach them to conquer it.
Hank Brown: Like he has you?
ICE: Yes, Hank, Like He Has Me! Shut up!
Hank Brown: But I am here to talk!
ICE: Well, fine then shut up about that, but not about other things.
(Eye-SesS has Iragret the Pull Out in a headlock, while Saddam Insane in the Membrane is exchanging punches with Mr. Mission Accomplished? and Baghdad Brad is choking Al Qaeda AL with the top rope.)
Hank Brown: Remember to knock a man out of this match, they must be thrown over the top rope and have both feet hit the floor.
ICE: Yes, Hank, we all know how the battle royal works.
Hank Brown: Just trying to fill up the time until someone gets hurts.
ICE: Ah, yes, now that is true entertainment! CONCUSS SOMEONE GUYS!!
(The “Middle East” athletes toss and throw each other around the ring, making it more of a brawl than a wrestling match, in fact they keep trying to pull one another’s shirt top over their head and wail on their rib cage.)
Hank Brown: These Middle East wrestlers seem to fight like hockey players.
ICE: They are hockey players.
Hank Brown: But I don’t think they have hockey in the Middle East.
ICE: They also don’t have ice; hence the reason the Middle East sucks.
Hank Brown: It is the birth place of Jesus.
ICE: Hey save that kind of talk for your time with Steeltoe Joe.
(As the crowd’s beer continue to get chugged down, the insults and racist remarks both begin to get revved up, so much so that somewhere the manager of the Public Access TV station is wondering if he should pull the plug...but he says “fuck it”, because no one watches Public Access TV anyhow.)
Hank Brown: This is nothing but a school yard brawl.
ICE: Hmm, fuck, that does kind of sound like the Middle East.
Hank Brown: I guess that is true.
ICE: Maybe Buck isn’t as stupid as I thought he was.
Hank Brown: You mean that guy over there with the mullet who is hitting on the 16 year old girl?
ICE: I retract my last statement.
(The six Middle Eastern theme wrestlers continue to bash each other around the squared circle, but still little attempt to knock anyone over the top rope seems to happen.)
Hank Brown: This is might take a while. They seem mad at one another, but they are just squabbling, nothing is actually getting done.
ICE: Here comes an American influence to get some shit done!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOO!!!
(Duggan is back and running to the ring, with all the force of a locomotive, that is high on pain killers and American pride, but mostly pain killers!)
Hank Brown: What? He is back? He isn’t in this match.
ICE: He’s probably looking for a second appearance fee check!
(Buck Fucker tries to stop Hacksaw from entering the ring, but get bulled over by the legend of 80s wrestling! The fans are going nuts as Dungan slides into the ring, causing the six others to stop their meaningless brawling and look at him.)
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Duggan has Al Qaeda Al by his ear and throws him over the top rope!
ICE: Seal Team Six couldn’t have done it better!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw has Iragret the Pull Out by the seat off his pants and throws him over the top and out of this battle royal!
ICE: Looks like he regrets not wearing underwear!
(The front row laughs as the embarrassed player tries his best to hide his bare bottom on his way to the back.)
Hank Brown: Duggan is on a roll now!
ICE: He does seem to like rolls...probably with extra butter.
Hank Brown: Hacksaw grabs Saddam Insane in the Membrane by the mustache and throws him from the ring!
ICE: Mr. Mission Accomplished? seems to find that entertaining.
Hank Brown: Or at least he did before Hacksaw just clotheslined him out of the ring!
ICE: Somewhere Al Gore is jealous of that move.
Hank Brown: Baghdad Brad charges at Duggan...and he’s back flipped up and over by Hacksaw Duggan!
ICE: More like Hacksaw Scud Missile!
Hank Brown: That has a terrible ring to it.
ICE: Not as bad as the one in EyE-SesS’ head right now.
(Jim Duggan, drunk on the crowd’s cheers, begin to wail on the high school hockey player with punch after punch as the crowd counts along!)
Crowd: ONE...TWO...THREE!
Hank Brown: And the third punch is the charm! EyE-SesS is Out of Here!
ICE: As a reporter that must feel good to know Hank.
Hank Brown: As a reporter I am supposed to stay unbiased, but also as a reporter...I say...FUCK THEM ALRIGHT!!
DING DING!
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan is playing to the crowd with some thumbs up and salutes as Buck Fucker has picked himself up and joined him in the ring.)
Ring Announcer Buck: The Winner of this Match...I guess...HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!!
(The Foam Laker Americans cheer their slobbering hero as the referee raises his hand in victory.)
Hank Brown: Well, that is two matches down and two wins for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
ICE: Only in America could a cancer survivor in giant blue undies defeat six teenage boys in the prime of their athletic careers.
Hank Brown: Well put, Beckman.
ICE: Nice try with the buttering up, but you have to announce the whole show before you get the interview Hank.
Hank Brown: Hey, can’t blame me for trying.
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The winner of the Six Man Middle East Sucks Battle Royal, heads to the back; not feeling very victorious thanks to all the wrappers and bottles being thrown at him from the pro-America crowd.)
Hank Brown: Well, that was some battle.
ICE: Enough about that; let’s talk about the next fight. A match I have seen unofficially times, but tonight we will finally find a victor.
Hank Brown: Aren’t these two your close friends?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: Yet you seem happy to see them fight?
ICE: Trust me Hank; this has been a long time coming.
(Back to Buck who is waiting for the crowd to stop clambering as he begins to announce the next match on the Foam Lake Wrestling card; meanwhile the crew finishes setting up the match by placing giant ice blocks in the ring along with, snow shovels, salt bags and other winter wonderland items.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Our Next Match is set for one fall and is set for the title of ICE’s BEST FRIEND!!!
ICE: Wait, what? I never agreed to that part of the match.
Hank Brown: Well, ICE, who is your best friend then, Chelsea? ZMAC?
ICE: Oh, very cleaver Hank, but the interview you want won’t happen to till the end of the match.
Ring Announcer Buck:...And is also a FROZEN TUNDRA MATCH!! Coming out first...
</font>
(“Batman“ by the Batman show hits the PA system and the fans all look towards the entrance to the gym...
...Dee comes walking out, wearing a very out-of-style track suit and an uneasy grin. He nervously waves to the crowd a bit, ignoring the shouts of Nerd and Dork and Butt-fucking Dick Head.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Hailing from right here in Foam Lake, a member of the Drunk Money Inc. crew...writer of many Super Hero and Star Wars related blogs...he is the SKINNY NERD...he is DEE!!!
Hank Brown: Wow, the crowd seems awful tough on Dee tonight.
ICE: Well, in fairness most of that is coming from his own mom sitting in the front row.
Hank Brown: I can relate.
ICE: Oh yeah, got yourself some mommy issues there Hank?
Hank: Maybe, what if I do?
ICE: Hey, don’t worry, I got some daddy issues of my own; don’t get all sensitive now Hank, I am just beginning to sorta enjoying your company.
(Dee gets into the ring, under the middle rope, much like a diva might. Dee then finds his corner, doing his best not to slip on the icy blue trap that has been stretch over the ring mat.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And his opponent...also hailing from right here in Foam Lake...he is also a member of the Drunk Money Inc. crew....he is the record holder for Most Burgers Eaten in 10 Minutes at McDales burger shack...he is the FAT ONE...He is PJ!!!
(“I Like Big Butts“ by Sir Mix A-Lot hits the PA system...
...and like this is the moment he has waited his entire life for PJ comes out into the gymnasium with a bit of flare, well at least until he trips on the curtain and falls, well rolls, down towards the ring.)
Hank Brown: PJ seems ready for a fight.
ICE: Yeah, with diabetes.
Hank Brown: Tell me ICE, is this a match between you’re two friends that you honestly never wanted to see?
ICE: Them in wrestling tights? Damn right I never wanted to see this Hank.
(PJ keeps pulling the tights away from his sweaty crotch area as he climbs into the ring. The ref looks at the anger and determination along with the worry and uncertainty in both men’s eyes as they look over at ICE Beckman, who flashes his trademark smile back at them both...the ref breaks both men’s glance at ICE Beckman as he calls for the bell. )
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: Now, ICE, this Frozen Tundra Match your specialty match, right?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: So you have a lot of insight on this match, right?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: So, want to share some of that.
ICE: Eh, that sounds too much like actual work. But instead, let me chug this beer.
Hank Brown: Okay.... And HERE COMES PJ!
ICE: Dude looks like a pissed off rhino!
(PJ slams his shoulder into a giant ice block and pushes it into another and those two into a third...and then stops...read faced and already winded.)
Hank Brown: PJ off to a fast start!
ICE: Yeah, but just like his love of fast food, he starts off crushing it but soon wants to take a nap!
Hank Brown: But look one of the giant ice blocks has bumped DEE’s toe.
ICE: The toe has been stumped! And DEE is looking towards his mother!
Hank Brown: Who just looks disappointed in her son.
ICE: A look you seem to recognize right away, huh Hank?
(PJ sees DEE hopping around on one foot and climbs on top of the ice blocks. PJ leaps off the block at DEE, who slips at the same time, causing PJ to miss PJ and slide right out of the ring!)
Hank Brown: He looked like an Emperor Penguin with that belly slide.
ICE: With that amount of blubber, I think an Artic Seal is a more appropriate comparison.
(Dee grabs a snow shovel and begins to climb to the top rope. The crowd gets to their feet, beer swishing around in their cups as they watch Dee begin to motion to the crowd with his snow shovel. The crowd pops, Dee smiles, right before he loses his footing and crotches himself on the metal turnbuckle!!)
Crowd: OOOoooooOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Dee is out of action!
ICE: More like his action is up...up in him.
(PJ is back on his feet ringside and begins to climb up towards Dee. Dee shakes off his numb coconuts and slams the snow shovel onto the skull of PJ. Like a cartoon character PJ wobbles on the ring apron a bit before becoming top heavy and seesawing into the ring!)
Hank Brown: PJ is down.
ICE: And Dee is up high...maybe not as high as me last week...but on the top rope none the less!
Hank Brown: Here comes DEE with a big time frog splash!!!
ICE: And he misses! Landing on a huge bag of road salt!
Hank Brown: This is truly a battle of Americans.
ICE: Hmmm, I don’t know about that Hank, not exactly my exhibit A for why America rules.
Hank Brown: While they might not have the best skill, their heart is in the right place....and passion is at the heart of any American hero.
ICE: And that is how to twist a story towards your point of view, nicely done Hank.
(Both Dee and PJ, looking like they have fought way longer than they actually have, find their feet.)
Hank Brown: Here comes the charging PJ...And Dee is running at home with his arms flaying!!
ICE: Like a hungry sweaty hippo running at a frighten flamingo!
(The crowd is standing in silence in anticipation for the clash of these two locally well-known friends of ICE Beckman...and then they all winced.)
Hank Brown: DEE slips on the snow!...PJ slips on the Snow!...And they just slide into each other...Crotch first?
ICE: Oh shit they look like they are scissoring...like Lesbians.
Hank Brown: Their legs are on one another...the ref is counting...ONE...TWO...
ICE: THREE!
Hank Brown: Damnit, you stole my call again.
ICE: Fuck, I think they are both passed out.
Hank Brown: And here comes more garbage from the crowd!!!
ICE: I am surprised they have any left after the Middle East battle royal.
(Buck Fucker is back in the ring with his mic as he helps DEE and PJ out of the ring with the bottom of his boot. PJ searches for fresh oxygen as Dee shovels some snow into his mouth for refreshment as Buck announces the referee’s decision.)
Ring Announcer Buck: This match has officially been declared...a Boring Ass DRAW!!!
(The fans Boo the result of the match as both PJ and Dee hold their wounded man parts as they begin to head towards the announcers table.)
Hank Brown: Well folks it is now time for our main event; which also means you need to get ready for action ICE.
ICE: I am always ready to put my brother in my place.
Hank Brown: But what about his mystery partner.
ICE: I am sure it is just one of his former frat buddies and like most of them; they are nothing but a Legend in their Own Mind.
Hank Brown: Well while you get ready for the match, we need to take a commercial break.
ICE: Public Access TV has commercial breaks?
Hank Brown: I suppose so, but don’t ask me, I am just following the schedule.
(The LIVE wrestling show cuts away to static and then to the following advertisement...
...ICE Beckman is standing against a blank wall.)
ICE: Welcome to How to Join ISIS.
(ICE pulls down a screen in which to show a quick slide show.)
ICE: Step One: Become a total asshole. Now this is a very important step, or else the rest of the process will never work.
(ICE points to the image of a man with a penis head smiling like the dick he is.)
ICE: Step Two: Begin to hate America with dumbass comments on Social Media.
(The next slide pops up showing a moronic teenager.)
ICE: Step Three: Get on an FBI Watch List.
(The third slide shows two men in black knocking on a door.)
ICE: Step Four: steal money from your honest and hardworking parents in order to fly to the Middle East.
(The next slide shows a teenager sucking their thumb on a plane.)
ICE: Step Five: Be willing to give it all up for a flea infested blanket and a bunch of horny men who don’t care if you are a boy or a girl, but only if you have an asshole that can be lubed.
(The slide show continues to a shot that is lucky mostly censored.)
ICE: Step Six: Well, honestly at this point your sore and itchy butt is on a fast track to hell for all eternity, hence congrats you are officially in ISIS!!
(The last slide show Satan rapping an ISIS member.)
ICE: Now just sit back and wait for America prove while all your insanity can’t win due to our huge fucking defense budget...for Timmy might not be able to read as a Second grader...but we can blow the shit out of you with some awesome fucking weapons.
(The commercial fades out on ICE Beckman giving the middle finger to the flag of ISIS as we come back LIVE to the Foam Lake High School Gym and the Foam Lake Wrestling show.)
Hank Brown: Welcome back Foam Lake Wrestling fans, since the WCF Champion and local hero ICE Beckman is going to be in this next match I have been joined by two other color commentators. Oddly they are also the same two men in the last match, PJ and Dee.
PJ: I shoulda WON that match!
DEE: Shoulda isn’t a word; and I should have won that match!
Hank Brown: This should be interesting.
Ring Announcer Buck: The Following Match is set for One Fall and is the MAIN EVENT!!
(The now nice and drunk Foam Lakers cheer Buck’s announcement.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first....the Master of the Mullet...the Legend of Foam Lake High Football...the Man who has produced seven and a half Adult Movies...He is ME....BUCK FUCKER!!
(“Freebird“ by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays over the PA as Buck walks around the ring with a big old hick grin on his chubby checked face.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Any my partner...he is a Local Legend...and the Current WCF World Champion of the...ah...World...he is Natural ICE Beckman!!
(The loudest cheer of the night rings through-out the rafters of the old gym as ICE Beckman comes walking out to the adoring fans...
...He walks with that same confidence and arrogance that only he can pull; considering the man is a drug doing alcoholic that spends most of his time straddling fences from Buddy to Chelsea and from Mad to Glad and everything else. ICE rolls into the ring and reluctantly shakes the hand of his partner Buck Fucker.)
Hank Brown: ICE doesn’t seem too happy to be teaming with this Buck Fucker.
DEE: Well of course not; Buck once stole a few things from ICE in high school.
PJ: Kind of like I stole that win from you Dee in our match earlier.
DEE: That was a draw.
PJ: No, stupid, that was a wrestling match...not a drawing, duh!
(Dee sighs into his mic as Buck gets ready to announce their opponents.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And OUR opponents...first, hailing from Hyannis Port in the Rich World...he is ICE’s older brother...John “Mr. Money Bags” Beckman!!
(John Beckman comes out to a chorus of boos that instantly reminds him of the past days of his own wrestling career. John is fueled by the lryics of his theme, “Opiate” by TooL...
...John takes in the boos from the locals he hates to have to live amongst these days as he pulls a mic of his own out.)
John: And introducing my partner...
(ICE grabs the other mic from Buck.)
ICE: Yeah, what washed up loser friend have you brought as your mystery partner brother? Please don’t tell me it is your dad, that lying piece of shit who tricked me into thinking he was my dad!
John: Oh no, this isn’t father Beckman, or really a friend of mine...but he is a paid assassin, well for tonight at least...Ladies Hicks and Gentlemen Hicks, I introduce to you all my tag team partner....weighing in at over 300 pounds and standing over seven feet tall...he is known in the Middle East Wrestling Circuit as Simply the Doer of Death, The West’s Worst Nightmare...He is...SUPER SHEIK!!
(The crowd is in awe for the first time all night as a giant of a man comes walking into the gym. He stands next to John Beckman, his mighty tree like arms crossed and his mighty jaw line showing not a signal emotion.)
Hank Brown: Holy Crap that guy is huge.
PJ: That is what she said.
DEE: Who is she? Your mom?
PJ: My mom has never seen my penis!!!
DEE: Oh yeah, what about when you were a baby?!!
PJ: Fine, maybe then, but your mom sees your penis every day!
DEE: Not every day; just that one time when I thought I had penis cancer and I told you that as a secret!!
Hank Brown: Please guys, can we PLEASE stay focused on the match.
(John could not look cockier as he leads his giant to the ring. ICE looks over at Buck and just shakes his head in disappointment as Buck looks back with a whoops expression.)
Hank Brown: ICE doesn’t seem too happy with John’s partners or Buck’s match making.
DEE: ICE hasn’t been happy with Buck since that guy stole his football sack record in high school.
PJ: Not to mention how Buck stole his girlfriend after that big game at State.
Hank Brown: And now the two have to be partners against this giant and John Beckman; things are beginning to hook up.
PJ: Total WHOA moment, right?
Hank Brown: That is Freddy’s thing PJ.
DEE: Yeah, leave Zach alone PJ.
Hank Brown: Do either of you know who I actually am?
(Silence fills the airwaves as John and Super Sheik enter the ring. Both teams begin to stare down one another as the crowd begins to feel the buzz of tension in the gymnasium’s air during this chilly November night.)
John: You ready to feel the pain Natural! I always told you I was the smarter and therefore better wrestler!
Buck Fucker: You and your freak partner don’t scare us John!
Super Sheik: I...crush...you...both...I CRUSH...AMERICA!!
ICE: Well since you brought your big, well large, well Super Fucking Huge hired gun...how about him and I start out this match.
John: It’s your funeral, brother.
(John exits the ring as Buck Fucker tires to so some over the top high five thing with ICE, who just ignores him, keeping his eyes locked on the Middle East monster who is staring him down from across the ring.)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And this match is ON!
PJ: This should be good, not as good as my win over Dee, but still good.
DEE: I keep telling you it was a draw!
PJ: And I keep telling you it was a Match! Dumbass!
(ICE looks at the anger, the rage, the hate in the eyes of the Super Sheik...and that is when he smiles.)
Hank Brown: What is he smiling about?
DEE: Oh I know that look.
PJ: Yeah, this match is about over.
Hank Brown: But it just started.
(ICE is behind the big man like a flash, he then chops blocks the big man down, head-butts him in the back of skull, before hooking him by the head and planting him like a railroad spike with a 100 Proof DDT!! The crowd is shocked, but not more than John, who watches motionless as the referee drops to the ring mat to count.)
Hank Brown: ONE...TWO...THREE!!!
DEE: And this match is over.
PJ: We told ya Hank.
Hank Brown: Yeah, we at least you didn’t speak over my call like ICE.
(ICE Beckman stands up and smiles are the wide open mouth of his older brother John.)
John: But...he...I paid... for...he was so big but....Fucking God Damnit.
ICE: Trust me John, in this time of the ICE Age, it takes more than money to make a man good.
(John quickly abandons his hired gun in the ring as he heads for the back while the crowd gives him all the shit that their high level of blood alcohol level gives them. Somehow in the mayhem of the moment ICE finds himself an American flag which he begins to wave back and forth while planting a foot on the chest of Super Sheik.)
Ring Announcer Buck: The Winner of the Match...Natural ICE Beckman...and ME...BUCK FUCKER!!
Hank Brown: The crowd seems to be happy.
DEE: Well there are extremely drunk.
PJ: God Bless Foam Lake.
Hank Brown: God Bless America!
(Back in the ring ICE Beckman has helped Buck roll the big unconscious big Sheik from the ring and has also found himself a microphone in which to speak to his people.)
ICE: Tonight was defiantly an interesting night...a night of legends, a night of Middle East buffoon like characters, a night of boiling feuds come to head, a night of the ICE AGE...but more than anything, TONIGHT WAS A NIGHT FOR AMERICA!!!
(The fans go nuts for ICE’s simple statement as Hank professional leads us off the air.)
Hank Brown: Well, there you have it, what a night and on behalf of me, Dee, PJ, Buck and of course, Natural ICE Beckman, thank you for watching Foam Lake Wrestling and Have a Good Night America!!
(And with that the show comes to an end...
...but not the promo, as we see Hank chasing after ICE in the parking lot. He finally catches up to your World Champion and grabs his shoulder.)
Hank Brown: So, how about that interview now?
ICE: Sure...and feel free to ask him whatever you want.
Hank Brown: Him?
(ICE pulls PJ out from behind his truck and pushes him towards Hank.)
ICE: Here is your interview Hank, feel free to ask him whatever you want.
Hank Brown:......but?
ICE: I’m a man of my word Hank, now have a good night, I am going to go GET DRUNK!!
Hank Brown: But...but...
PJ: Good question Hank. Yes, I have always been a butt man, I guess it dates back to when my mommy used to spank me.
(Hank shudders in prospect for the next few moments with PJ as Natural ICE walks off with his smile and the World Title and the best thing of all....Pride in his Country.)
The reflection of the moon on the snow causes the clouds in the night to turn the world into an overcast purple. The only warm for the creatures now is tucked into their homes while the true kings of the day cut trails throw the white powder while hunting down a foreign or all too common enemy in their sights. The snow might as well be warm summertime green grass for these warriors kill weather the flames of hell or the comfort of heaven tickle at their toes in this time of the ICE Age. Now go outside and feel the difference I speak about...
Foam Lake Wrestling
(The Foam Lake high school gym is beginning to get crowded as the residents of the small town in Northern Wisconsin begin to file in to find their seats in the rafters or on the floor around the wrestling ring. Vendors walk the aisles offering popcorn and candy for sale. At the same time a long line has begun to form around the beer stall. There is a buzz in the air as even the local public access TV station has set up a few cameras around the gymnasium in order to catch whatever action is planned for the first ever show of Foam Lake Wrestling federation. Meanwhile in the physical education teacher’s office is your Word Champion, Natural ICE Beckman. With the World Title lying across his knee ICE is looking at the evening’s card and commenting on it to the man who put this all together, Buck Fucker.)
ICE: I don’t know about some of these matches, Buck.
Buck: Well it was the best I could do after you nixed some of the original matches I wanted to host.
ICE: Like Chelsea versus Buddy Roman.
Buck: I am telling you it is the match that everybody who is a supporter of Natural ICE wants to see.
ICE: Except for the one supporter who matters...me.
Buck: Fine, I get it; you don’t want to rock the boat that rocks your world. But I am telling Steve Orbit vs Zombie McMorris would have been epic.
ICE: They are partners and Tag Team Champions at that.
Buck: There is the hype and drama right there.
ICE: And what about the problem of getting them to agree to such a match?
Buck: You are the World Champion; can’t you just make them fight each other?
ICE: Not exactly how it works.
Buck: Hmmm, then what is the fun of being World Champion then?
(ICE stops and day dreams about the question...the fans cheering for him, the handshakes of respect he got, the fucking awesome parties that lasted to dawn...ICE smiles as Buck snaps his fingers to get him back to present time.)
Buck: Hey ICE, snap out of it!
ICE: Why, I am so happy here in dreamland?
Buck: Because we have a show to put on.
ICE: What about this Battle Royal, where did you find all these Middle Eastern guys?
Buck: They are actually just the high school hockey team. Foam Lake hockey hasn’t won a game in years, but the team does lead the league in plenty minutes every season. They fight everyone else, why not each other?...Plus I bought them a free keg.
ICE: And what about the main event, Me and You as a team against my older brother John and a mystery partner?
Buck: This is my chance to prove to how awesome we would be if you helped me get in WCF. And don’t worry about John, he is a rich bitch.
ICE: And what about this Ebola match?
Buck: Proof that only America can get rid of that shit disease.
ICE: And who did you get two actually play those roles?
Buck: Just a local drunk homeless man and ex-professional wrestler.
ICE: Well fuck man, I will give you this...should be an interesting night, possibly a very regretful night, but still interesting.
Buck: Now that is the fucking spirit dawg! Time to Pump it Up and Get Er Done!
(Buck slaps ICE Beckman on the back before exiting the office.)
ICE: And to think people think Dee and PJ are weird friends.
(ICE grabs his world title and his nearly empty flask before following Buck Fucker out of the room...
Static is seen on the screen...
The Following is a Production of Drunk Money Inc.
From Fuck that Buck Entertainment.
And LIVE on Foam Lake Public Access Television.
(The static fades to black which fades to a live shot inside the high school gymnasium. The Foam Lakers here the intro music kick and all begin to rise to their feet. The camera pans around the people who are cheering for start of the show and with some enthusiasm, thanks to cheap beer, discounted food and a warm place to watch others kick the shit out of each other for their entertainment. As the camera keeps panning around we see the many homemade signs pop up saying things like: “ICE is my Kid’s Daddy!”...”Buck Fucker Owes me $200, Seriously!”...”Dee and PJ are married!”...”John Beckman is a Rich Bitch Asshole!”. The camera tries not to show the worse of the worse language on the signs and instead turns to the ring as a familiar voice begins to come across the air waves.)
Hank Brown: Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to Foam Lake Wrestling! We are LIVE from where else but Foam Lake, Wisconsin! And we have a hell of a show for you folks at home tonight!!!
(Standing in the middle of the ring, with a microphone and a hand raised to quiet the crowd, is tonight’s Ring Announcer/main eventer....Buck Fucker. Soon the fans quiet down enough for him to speak over the gym’s PA system.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Welcome FOAM LAKERS!!!
(The cheap pop gets the crowd cheering!)
Ring Announcer Buck: What a night of action we have planned for you all tonight!!!
(Buck is interrupted during his warming up of the crowd by “Feels Good Inc.” by Gorillaz hitting the PA system!
The fans all turn and cheer their very own WORLD champion as Natural ICE Beckman comes walking in from the back. He stops for a moment, taken a bit back by the packed house, but he soon finds himself like the natural entertainer that he is. He raises the WCF World Title high above his head and soaks in the cheers like the ego sponge he is. He begins to walk down the aisle taking a few drinks of beers when offered from the fans. He walks up the metal ring steps, takes a moment to look out among his people and feels a touch of pride in his heart as he sees the American Flag hanging from the rafters above them all. He walks into the ring and takes the microphone from Buck Fucker. ICE then motions for Buck to leave the ring so he can have the moment all to himself. Like the skilled craftsman he is one the mic, ICE takes a few moments after the music is stopped to let a chant begin to ring out.)
Crowd: ICE...ICE...ICE!!
(ICE Beckman smiles and then brings the microphone up to his mouth to speak.)
ICE: Thank you that warm reception on this evening of the ICE AGE!!!
(Crowd pops with cheers.)
ICE: I have beaten the shit out of wrestlers all across the world, I have made them tap out, I have made them bleed and I have knocked them out so hard they don’t even remember facing me. But nowhere in the world do I feel more comfortable kicking the shit out of someone than right here in my home town of FOAM LAKE right in the heart of the fucking best country in the world, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERCA!!!
Crowd: FOAM LAKE...USA....FOAM LAKE...USA....FOAM LAKE...USA!!!
ICE: And that brings me to a match that won’t be taking place tonight. A match that I will be fighting in this week on WCF’s Slam against a man, a foreigner, an outsider from a land where oil talks and women don’t....that man, that rat, that scum of the earth known as Jahani al-Reb.
(The crowd gives a strong and passionate stream of Boos for the opponent of ICE Beckman.)
Hank Brown: It appears that this a very pro-American crowd, Very-Pro!
ICE: You see when I first saw that Seth the Skunk-
(Crowd boos Seth’s name as well.)
Crowd: Seth the Skunk... Seth the Skunk... Seth the Skunk!!!
Hank Brown: Another person that this crowd doesn’t seem to like, however in case Seth is listening I would just like to remind him that is not an opinion shared by this reporter and commentator.
ICE: As I was saying, when I first saw this match with me an al-Reb I was both happy and sad at the same time. You see, I was sad to see that al-Reb still collected a WCF paycheck. I figured that we had rid ourselves of that piece of shit and that he had crawled back under the rock in which he came from...but sadly I was wrong. But then I perked up and realized something, that now I would have a chance to hurt, I am mean really hurt that piece of fucking shit!!!
(The crowd cheers their World F’n Champion!)
ICE: You see to be honest I don’t know much about the man, then again from what I seen of his time on Twitter and from what I have seen of his actions in the ring, I don’t need to know the man well to know exactly who the fuck he is. He is just another oil laced, daddy’s little son, fuck face from the land of where men never grow up and fear basic human rights for what they might do to shake their self-centered little worlds. And for a lifetime of getting what he wants while breaking the backs of those in his community I am going to give him his lifetime achieved award...Also FUCKING Known As...My American Made Boot Right up his ass!!!
(The crowd matches ICE’s patriotic energy with cheers.)
ICE: Now I find it to be too awesome that earlier this week we celebrated Veteran’s Day here in the Greatest Country on the Earth. A holiday in which we as American’s are honored to thank those that have risked it all in order give is our rights...OUR FREEDOM!!
Crowd: USA!!!....USA!!!!....USA!!!!!
ICE: But it got me to thinking...Does Iraq, home of Mr. al-Reb, have national holidays where they honor the things that they value. I wonder Mr. al-Reb do you days where you cheer for Tyrant Leaders that used fear to control the masses? Do you have celebrations in which you cheer for the fact you fear a woman’s ideas? Do you have special days in which you sing pride the history of a nation that seems to never get it right? Or do you prefer to keep your shame in the shadows of the sand dunes where it belongs? Now I am not too stupid or naive not to know that America has its own share of Blake Eyes through-out the history of our nation. But lucky for me, I live in a country that has learned from its mistakes, but unlucky for al-Reb is from a place that hasn’t learned shit! And even more unlucky for al-Reb...come this Sunday at Slam it is not his country versus my country...it is me, the WCF World Champion, the Mother Fucker Who Just Doesn’t Lose...against, lonely old him. But really either way, USA vs Iraq, ICE vs al-reb, no matter how you spell it out....the guy is going to Lose...and LOSE BADLY!!
Crowd: ICE ICE...USA!!... ICE ICE...USA!!... ICE ICE...USA!!
ICE: But let’s focus on you al-Reb.
(The crowd boos that idea while ICE smiles and gives them his attractive look of sorry but we have too.)
ICE: al-Reb you are a scene description without a plot, you are a false front without an actual soul and every time you promote yourself you become more and more shallow of a character. You talk a big game about a single victory while ignoring the truth of your world, but from the sound of your background that is a trick your father must have taught you. Then again look at my background, one that I had to fight for, and one that I have earned; something that has been reenacted here in the WCF, where week after week, no matter the team, no matter the match...I WIN. And when you add the idea of American pride to my plate, I become even hungrier to eat. Leaving you al-Reb alone as the main course ready for the ICE Age to freeze over, OR as American likes to say it...FUCK YOU IF YOU DARE FUCK WITH ME!!
(The fanatic Foam Lakers all go nuts as a reverb to the energy ICE is giving off.)
ICE: Now let’s get this FUCKING Show Started!!!
(The crowd cheers as ICE takes a quick victory lap around the ring. ICE than tosses the microphone back to Buck, but does not head to the back...rather he heads over to the announcer’s table where he sits down by Hank Brown and puts on a head set.)
Hank Brown: And here I am being joined by my fellow commentator for the evening’s action.
ICE: How the fuck you doing Hank?
Hank Brown: Good as long as you remember our deal that I do this for Foam Lake Wrestling and you give me that interview I have been asking about for months.
ICE: Sure, whatever lie Buck told you.
Hank Brown: What?
ICE: Come on Hank, time to be a professional, for we have an evening of action to call.
(Back in the ring, Buck Fucker tosses his mullet aside as he calls out into the microphone.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Our opening bout to tonight cards is a singles match set for one fall...
(“Hot Blooded” by Foreigner hits the PA system...</font>
...the crowd all looks towards the entrance where a man dressed in an Ebola bacteria costume made from packaging material and PVC piping. He stumbles out from the back, doing his best to not fall over as he comes towards the ring, a big long piece of piping dangling above his head.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first...he has been a Major Headline in World News...he will make you shit and vomit at the Same time...he is EBOLA!!
(Ebola rolls into the ring, as Buck helps drag him in by his costume.)
Hank Brown: Ebola seems to be a little uncomfortable in that outfit!
ICE: He seems like a drunk homeless man.
Hank Brown: An interesting metaphor I suppose.
ICE: What metaphor? He is a drunk homeless man.
(The Foam Lakers boo Ebola as he is helped to his feet since his arms are bonded together by the silly and over-the-top costume.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And his opponent...
(“I’m a Real American” the Hulk Hogan song hits the PA and the locals go crazy for the throwback theme...
...out comes a professional wrestler from out past.)
Hank Brown: Is that Hulk Hogan? Sargent Slaughter?
ICE: Is it Macho Man? Ultimate Warrior?
Hank Brown: I think they are dead.
ICE: Really? I could have sworn I hung out with them some months ago.
Hank Brown: Wait...that is...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!
ICE: Fuck, Buck better not be excepting me to pay Hacksaw’s appearance fee.
(Buck Fucker winks at ICE Beckman before yelling into the microphone.)
Ring Announcer Buck: ...Born to bleed Red, White And Blue...the Only man who often attacked others with a 2x4 and still was called a face, he is a True American...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!
ICE: Wait, is that Sarah Twilight girl making an appearance here too?
Hank Brown: I think they are just yelling Hacksaw’s catch phrase.
(Duggan pleases the masses by returning the call out of one side of his mouth between salutes and thumbs up gestures. Hacksaw rolls into the ring and looks over to the poor homeless man with a one eye glare as the high school gym teacher who is tonight’s referee calls for the bell.)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And here we go.
ICE: And Duggan seems to be ready...meanwhile Ebola seems to be a bit confused about what is going on...probably looking for his next victim.
Hank Brown: I think he is just looking for the costume’s eye hole.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOO!!!
(Duggan gets down in a three point stance and runs at Ebola in order to knock him down with a mighty shoulder block!!)
Hank Brown: Ebola is down!
ICE: Not according to recent news reports!
(Duggan feels the American crowd’s energy and begins to stomp on the poor homeless man dressed as Ebola as the crowd chants.)
Crowd: USA! USA!! USA!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw is going for his 2x4 piece of lumber!
ICE: Known to most doctors as a Super-sized tongue depressor!
Hank Brown: Not sure about that.
ICE: It’s scientific Hank, trust me.
(Somehow, with some help from the ref, Ebola finds his way to his feet only to get...)
SWOOSH!
BAM!!!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw Jim Duggan just hit Ebola with his 2x4!!!!
ICE: And somewhere Obama wishes it was that easy!
Hank Brown: Ebola is down and out...and I think bleeding from his ears.
ICE: Ears? You mean that weird tail thing?
Hank Brown: Yeah, sure.
Jim Duggan: HOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw is going for the cover....1....2....
ICE: THREE!!!
Hank Brown: Hey, you stole my big line.
ICE: Trust me, I did it better than you could.
Hank Brown: It is just saying the number, how could you do it better than me?
ICE: Focus on the match Hank.
Ring Announcer Buck: And the winner of this match....AMERICA!!!
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan looks confused at first and then threatens Buck a bit with the lumber.)
Ring Announcer Buck: I mean, the winner of this match...representing America...Hacksaw Jim Duggan!!!
(The crowd pops huge for the living legend as Duggan looks around with pried as he yanks up his extra-large blue tights.)
Hank Brown: Wow, watch an ass-kicking that was.
ICE: Reminds me of me versus al-Reb this Sunday.
Hank Brown: How can something that hasn’t happened yet remind you of something?
ICE: AMERICA!!!!...That’s why.
(Jim Duggan takes a few, well maybe a few too many, victory laps ringside, high fiving the locals and posing for a pictures as poor Ebola is dragged to the back by Buck Fucker.)
Hank Brown: Well that was never even close to a contest.
ICE: Just proof that when it comes to world problems America always gets the job done, just like WWI and WWII and The World Cup.
Hank Brown: I don’t believe the United States has ever won soccer’s World Cup.
ICE: Yeah, because Soccer sucks, hence that is how we have won it, by not winning it.
(Duggan makes his way to the back, still wondering a few things like, why is Hogan’s music playing and who the fuck is going to pay him his $10,000 appearance fee.)
Ring Announcer Buck: A now it is time for our Six Man Middle East Sucks Battle Royal!!
(The tipsy fans cheer the title of the match as Buck again smiles down as ICE, hoping the WCF Champion would see how well he plays to the audience, however ICE is too busy flicking Hank in the face after fooling him with old “what is that stain on your tie” trick...
...Some generic Middle Eastern music begins to play for each wrestler as they make their way to the ring.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first...he is the king of living in caves, eating worms and the best friend of every news TV producer in the country...he is the One Eye Wonder....He is EyE-SesS!!
(One of the many high school hockey players playing the part of wrestlers from the middle east comes out wearing a shit load of toilet paper wrapped around like a dollar store shitty mummy costume that only exposes one of his eyes. He walks to the ring with his hands straight out in front of him and with straight legs that cannot bend.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is hated by anyone with the last name Bush...he is the Champion of living in small holes for months at a time...he hates normality more than America...he is Saddam Insane In the Membrane!!
(The next hockey player comes out with a thick black mustache on his face and a tan military uniform that is covered in so many metals that his shirt is sagging to one side.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the best in the west in the east...the City Pity of Sand and Land...he is so thick with oil that his penis is constantly erect...he is Baghdad Brad.
(The player comes out wearing a robe wrapped around his torso, with saddles on his feet, a buzz cut on the top of his head and “I don’t give a shit” expression on his face. He scowls over the crowd as they boo him pissed off expression.)
Hank Brown: The crowd is really giving it to these “Middle East” men.
ICE: Yeah, they do seem pretty into the match, I hope they remember they aren’t actually men from the Middle East.
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the hater of tall buildings...he is the also a lover of living in caves and a man so hated many people have claimed to kill him...he is Al Qaeda AL!
(The next hockey player comes out in a bunch of dirty robes with an equally dirty salt and pepper colored beard that has twigs and bugs in it...his skinny arms reach high into the air and he waggles his finger at the angry fans.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the original Because My Daddy Said So...he likes naps and easy softball question and he really, really likes not being the ruler of the free world anymore...he also loves Florida’s poor ability to count votes....he is Mr. Mission Accomplished?!!
(This hockey player is dressed in a blue suit with a red tie and one of those cute little American flag pins. He seems a little lost on his way to the ring, being helped by others on exactly what he should be focusing on as he makes sure his grey wig stays on top of his head that is complete with a moronic grin.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out next...he is the Boss of Whoops and the President of Maybe I said too much to Get this job...the only thing bigger than his ears is others hatred of his love of health care, he is...Iragret the Pull Out!
(The last man in the battle royal comes screaming out loud about Healthcare and why it isn’t such a bad idea that really gets the right wing crowd booing and jeering him. He waves to the people, but is quick to just smile and slip under the ropes into the ring to join the five other wrestlers in the battle Royal.)
Hank Brown: Wait, those last two competitors don’t seem very Middle East like.
ICE: Well they are hated in the Middle East and what do people talk about more than the things they hate.
Hank Brown: I don’t know...
ICE: You want that interview, right Hank?
Hank Brown: Like I was saying, makes sense to me!
(Buck checks out of the ring as the six hockey players, who are staying in character almost too well, begin to look around and wait for the bell to...)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And here we go, the Battle Royal is On!
ICE: And these guys seem to have a lot hate build up; if only Buddy was around to teach them to conquer it.
Hank Brown: Like he has you?
ICE: Yes, Hank, Like He Has Me! Shut up!
Hank Brown: But I am here to talk!
ICE: Well, fine then shut up about that, but not about other things.
(Eye-SesS has Iragret the Pull Out in a headlock, while Saddam Insane in the Membrane is exchanging punches with Mr. Mission Accomplished? and Baghdad Brad is choking Al Qaeda AL with the top rope.)
Hank Brown: Remember to knock a man out of this match, they must be thrown over the top rope and have both feet hit the floor.
ICE: Yes, Hank, we all know how the battle royal works.
Hank Brown: Just trying to fill up the time until someone gets hurts.
ICE: Ah, yes, now that is true entertainment! CONCUSS SOMEONE GUYS!!
(The “Middle East” athletes toss and throw each other around the ring, making it more of a brawl than a wrestling match, in fact they keep trying to pull one another’s shirt top over their head and wail on their rib cage.)
Hank Brown: These Middle East wrestlers seem to fight like hockey players.
ICE: They are hockey players.
Hank Brown: But I don’t think they have hockey in the Middle East.
ICE: They also don’t have ice; hence the reason the Middle East sucks.
Hank Brown: It is the birth place of Jesus.
ICE: Hey save that kind of talk for your time with Steeltoe Joe.
(As the crowd’s beer continue to get chugged down, the insults and racist remarks both begin to get revved up, so much so that somewhere the manager of the Public Access TV station is wondering if he should pull the plug...but he says “fuck it”, because no one watches Public Access TV anyhow.)
Hank Brown: This is nothing but a school yard brawl.
ICE: Hmm, fuck, that does kind of sound like the Middle East.
Hank Brown: I guess that is true.
ICE: Maybe Buck isn’t as stupid as I thought he was.
Hank Brown: You mean that guy over there with the mullet who is hitting on the 16 year old girl?
ICE: I retract my last statement.
(The six Middle Eastern theme wrestlers continue to bash each other around the squared circle, but still little attempt to knock anyone over the top rope seems to happen.)
Hank Brown: This is might take a while. They seem mad at one another, but they are just squabbling, nothing is actually getting done.
ICE: Here comes an American influence to get some shit done!
Crowd: HOOOOOO!!!!
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOOOO!!!
(Duggan is back and running to the ring, with all the force of a locomotive, that is high on pain killers and American pride, but mostly pain killers!)
Hank Brown: What? He is back? He isn’t in this match.
ICE: He’s probably looking for a second appearance fee check!
(Buck Fucker tries to stop Hacksaw from entering the ring, but get bulled over by the legend of 80s wrestling! The fans are going nuts as Dungan slides into the ring, causing the six others to stop their meaningless brawling and look at him.)
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: HOOOO!!!
Crowd: HOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Duggan has Al Qaeda Al by his ear and throws him over the top rope!
ICE: Seal Team Six couldn’t have done it better!
Hank Brown: Hacksaw has Iragret the Pull Out by the seat off his pants and throws him over the top and out of this battle royal!
ICE: Looks like he regrets not wearing underwear!
(The front row laughs as the embarrassed player tries his best to hide his bare bottom on his way to the back.)
Hank Brown: Duggan is on a roll now!
ICE: He does seem to like rolls...probably with extra butter.
Hank Brown: Hacksaw grabs Saddam Insane in the Membrane by the mustache and throws him from the ring!
ICE: Mr. Mission Accomplished? seems to find that entertaining.
Hank Brown: Or at least he did before Hacksaw just clotheslined him out of the ring!
ICE: Somewhere Al Gore is jealous of that move.
Hank Brown: Baghdad Brad charges at Duggan...and he’s back flipped up and over by Hacksaw Duggan!
ICE: More like Hacksaw Scud Missile!
Hank Brown: That has a terrible ring to it.
ICE: Not as bad as the one in EyE-SesS’ head right now.
(Jim Duggan, drunk on the crowd’s cheers, begin to wail on the high school hockey player with punch after punch as the crowd counts along!)
Crowd: ONE...TWO...THREE!
Hank Brown: And the third punch is the charm! EyE-SesS is Out of Here!
ICE: As a reporter that must feel good to know Hank.
Hank Brown: As a reporter I am supposed to stay unbiased, but also as a reporter...I say...FUCK THEM ALRIGHT!!
DING DING!
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan is playing to the crowd with some thumbs up and salutes as Buck Fucker has picked himself up and joined him in the ring.)
Ring Announcer Buck: The Winner of this Match...I guess...HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN!!
(The Foam Laker Americans cheer their slobbering hero as the referee raises his hand in victory.)
Hank Brown: Well, that is two matches down and two wins for Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
ICE: Only in America could a cancer survivor in giant blue undies defeat six teenage boys in the prime of their athletic careers.
Hank Brown: Well put, Beckman.
ICE: Nice try with the buttering up, but you have to announce the whole show before you get the interview Hank.
Hank Brown: Hey, can’t blame me for trying.
(Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The winner of the Six Man Middle East Sucks Battle Royal, heads to the back; not feeling very victorious thanks to all the wrappers and bottles being thrown at him from the pro-America crowd.)
Hank Brown: Well, that was some battle.
ICE: Enough about that; let’s talk about the next fight. A match I have seen unofficially times, but tonight we will finally find a victor.
Hank Brown: Aren’t these two your close friends?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: Yet you seem happy to see them fight?
ICE: Trust me Hank; this has been a long time coming.
(Back to Buck who is waiting for the crowd to stop clambering as he begins to announce the next match on the Foam Lake Wrestling card; meanwhile the crew finishes setting up the match by placing giant ice blocks in the ring along with, snow shovels, salt bags and other winter wonderland items.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Our Next Match is set for one fall and is set for the title of ICE’s BEST FRIEND!!!
ICE: Wait, what? I never agreed to that part of the match.
Hank Brown: Well, ICE, who is your best friend then, Chelsea? ZMAC?
ICE: Oh, very cleaver Hank, but the interview you want won’t happen to till the end of the match.
Ring Announcer Buck:...And is also a FROZEN TUNDRA MATCH!! Coming out first...
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(“Batman“ by the Batman show hits the PA system and the fans all look towards the entrance to the gym...
...Dee comes walking out, wearing a very out-of-style track suit and an uneasy grin. He nervously waves to the crowd a bit, ignoring the shouts of Nerd and Dork and Butt-fucking Dick Head.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Hailing from right here in Foam Lake, a member of the Drunk Money Inc. crew...writer of many Super Hero and Star Wars related blogs...he is the SKINNY NERD...he is DEE!!!
Hank Brown: Wow, the crowd seems awful tough on Dee tonight.
ICE: Well, in fairness most of that is coming from his own mom sitting in the front row.
Hank Brown: I can relate.
ICE: Oh yeah, got yourself some mommy issues there Hank?
Hank: Maybe, what if I do?
ICE: Hey, don’t worry, I got some daddy issues of my own; don’t get all sensitive now Hank, I am just beginning to sorta enjoying your company.
(Dee gets into the ring, under the middle rope, much like a diva might. Dee then finds his corner, doing his best not to slip on the icy blue trap that has been stretch over the ring mat.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And his opponent...also hailing from right here in Foam Lake...he is also a member of the Drunk Money Inc. crew....he is the record holder for Most Burgers Eaten in 10 Minutes at McDales burger shack...he is the FAT ONE...He is PJ!!!
(“I Like Big Butts“ by Sir Mix A-Lot hits the PA system...
...and like this is the moment he has waited his entire life for PJ comes out into the gymnasium with a bit of flare, well at least until he trips on the curtain and falls, well rolls, down towards the ring.)
Hank Brown: PJ seems ready for a fight.
ICE: Yeah, with diabetes.
Hank Brown: Tell me ICE, is this a match between you’re two friends that you honestly never wanted to see?
ICE: Them in wrestling tights? Damn right I never wanted to see this Hank.
(PJ keeps pulling the tights away from his sweaty crotch area as he climbs into the ring. The ref looks at the anger and determination along with the worry and uncertainty in both men’s eyes as they look over at ICE Beckman, who flashes his trademark smile back at them both...the ref breaks both men’s glance at ICE Beckman as he calls for the bell. )
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: Now, ICE, this Frozen Tundra Match your specialty match, right?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: So you have a lot of insight on this match, right?
ICE: Yep.
Hank Brown: So, want to share some of that.
ICE: Eh, that sounds too much like actual work. But instead, let me chug this beer.
Hank Brown: Okay.... And HERE COMES PJ!
ICE: Dude looks like a pissed off rhino!
(PJ slams his shoulder into a giant ice block and pushes it into another and those two into a third...and then stops...read faced and already winded.)
Hank Brown: PJ off to a fast start!
ICE: Yeah, but just like his love of fast food, he starts off crushing it but soon wants to take a nap!
Hank Brown: But look one of the giant ice blocks has bumped DEE’s toe.
ICE: The toe has been stumped! And DEE is looking towards his mother!
Hank Brown: Who just looks disappointed in her son.
ICE: A look you seem to recognize right away, huh Hank?
(PJ sees DEE hopping around on one foot and climbs on top of the ice blocks. PJ leaps off the block at DEE, who slips at the same time, causing PJ to miss PJ and slide right out of the ring!)
Hank Brown: He looked like an Emperor Penguin with that belly slide.
ICE: With that amount of blubber, I think an Artic Seal is a more appropriate comparison.
(Dee grabs a snow shovel and begins to climb to the top rope. The crowd gets to their feet, beer swishing around in their cups as they watch Dee begin to motion to the crowd with his snow shovel. The crowd pops, Dee smiles, right before he loses his footing and crotches himself on the metal turnbuckle!!)
Crowd: OOOoooooOOOO!!!
Hank Brown: Dee is out of action!
ICE: More like his action is up...up in him.
(PJ is back on his feet ringside and begins to climb up towards Dee. Dee shakes off his numb coconuts and slams the snow shovel onto the skull of PJ. Like a cartoon character PJ wobbles on the ring apron a bit before becoming top heavy and seesawing into the ring!)
Hank Brown: PJ is down.
ICE: And Dee is up high...maybe not as high as me last week...but on the top rope none the less!
Hank Brown: Here comes DEE with a big time frog splash!!!
ICE: And he misses! Landing on a huge bag of road salt!
Hank Brown: This is truly a battle of Americans.
ICE: Hmmm, I don’t know about that Hank, not exactly my exhibit A for why America rules.
Hank Brown: While they might not have the best skill, their heart is in the right place....and passion is at the heart of any American hero.
ICE: And that is how to twist a story towards your point of view, nicely done Hank.
(Both Dee and PJ, looking like they have fought way longer than they actually have, find their feet.)
Hank Brown: Here comes the charging PJ...And Dee is running at home with his arms flaying!!
ICE: Like a hungry sweaty hippo running at a frighten flamingo!
(The crowd is standing in silence in anticipation for the clash of these two locally well-known friends of ICE Beckman...and then they all winced.)
Hank Brown: DEE slips on the snow!...PJ slips on the Snow!...And they just slide into each other...Crotch first?
ICE: Oh shit they look like they are scissoring...like Lesbians.
Hank Brown: Their legs are on one another...the ref is counting...ONE...TWO...
ICE: THREE!
Hank Brown: Damnit, you stole my call again.
ICE: Fuck, I think they are both passed out.
Hank Brown: And here comes more garbage from the crowd!!!
ICE: I am surprised they have any left after the Middle East battle royal.
(Buck Fucker is back in the ring with his mic as he helps DEE and PJ out of the ring with the bottom of his boot. PJ searches for fresh oxygen as Dee shovels some snow into his mouth for refreshment as Buck announces the referee’s decision.)
Ring Announcer Buck: This match has officially been declared...a Boring Ass DRAW!!!
(The fans Boo the result of the match as both PJ and Dee hold their wounded man parts as they begin to head towards the announcers table.)
Hank Brown: Well folks it is now time for our main event; which also means you need to get ready for action ICE.
ICE: I am always ready to put my brother in my place.
Hank Brown: But what about his mystery partner.
ICE: I am sure it is just one of his former frat buddies and like most of them; they are nothing but a Legend in their Own Mind.
Hank Brown: Well while you get ready for the match, we need to take a commercial break.
ICE: Public Access TV has commercial breaks?
Hank Brown: I suppose so, but don’t ask me, I am just following the schedule.
(The LIVE wrestling show cuts away to static and then to the following advertisement...
...ICE Beckman is standing against a blank wall.)
ICE: Welcome to How to Join ISIS.
(ICE pulls down a screen in which to show a quick slide show.)
ICE: Step One: Become a total asshole. Now this is a very important step, or else the rest of the process will never work.
(ICE points to the image of a man with a penis head smiling like the dick he is.)
ICE: Step Two: Begin to hate America with dumbass comments on Social Media.
(The next slide pops up showing a moronic teenager.)
ICE: Step Three: Get on an FBI Watch List.
(The third slide shows two men in black knocking on a door.)
ICE: Step Four: steal money from your honest and hardworking parents in order to fly to the Middle East.
(The next slide shows a teenager sucking their thumb on a plane.)
ICE: Step Five: Be willing to give it all up for a flea infested blanket and a bunch of horny men who don’t care if you are a boy or a girl, but only if you have an asshole that can be lubed.
(The slide show continues to a shot that is lucky mostly censored.)
ICE: Step Six: Well, honestly at this point your sore and itchy butt is on a fast track to hell for all eternity, hence congrats you are officially in ISIS!!
(The last slide show Satan rapping an ISIS member.)
ICE: Now just sit back and wait for America prove while all your insanity can’t win due to our huge fucking defense budget...for Timmy might not be able to read as a Second grader...but we can blow the shit out of you with some awesome fucking weapons.
(The commercial fades out on ICE Beckman giving the middle finger to the flag of ISIS as we come back LIVE to the Foam Lake High School Gym and the Foam Lake Wrestling show.)
Hank Brown: Welcome back Foam Lake Wrestling fans, since the WCF Champion and local hero ICE Beckman is going to be in this next match I have been joined by two other color commentators. Oddly they are also the same two men in the last match, PJ and Dee.
PJ: I shoulda WON that match!
DEE: Shoulda isn’t a word; and I should have won that match!
Hank Brown: This should be interesting.
Ring Announcer Buck: The Following Match is set for One Fall and is the MAIN EVENT!!
(The now nice and drunk Foam Lakers cheer Buck’s announcement.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Coming out first....the Master of the Mullet...the Legend of Foam Lake High Football...the Man who has produced seven and a half Adult Movies...He is ME....BUCK FUCKER!!
(“Freebird“ by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays over the PA as Buck walks around the ring with a big old hick grin on his chubby checked face.)
Ring Announcer Buck: Any my partner...he is a Local Legend...and the Current WCF World Champion of the...ah...World...he is Natural ICE Beckman!!
(The loudest cheer of the night rings through-out the rafters of the old gym as ICE Beckman comes walking out to the adoring fans...
...He walks with that same confidence and arrogance that only he can pull; considering the man is a drug doing alcoholic that spends most of his time straddling fences from Buddy to Chelsea and from Mad to Glad and everything else. ICE rolls into the ring and reluctantly shakes the hand of his partner Buck Fucker.)
Hank Brown: ICE doesn’t seem too happy to be teaming with this Buck Fucker.
DEE: Well of course not; Buck once stole a few things from ICE in high school.
PJ: Kind of like I stole that win from you Dee in our match earlier.
DEE: That was a draw.
PJ: No, stupid, that was a wrestling match...not a drawing, duh!
(Dee sighs into his mic as Buck gets ready to announce their opponents.)
Ring Announcer Buck: And OUR opponents...first, hailing from Hyannis Port in the Rich World...he is ICE’s older brother...John “Mr. Money Bags” Beckman!!
(John Beckman comes out to a chorus of boos that instantly reminds him of the past days of his own wrestling career. John is fueled by the lryics of his theme, “Opiate” by TooL...
...John takes in the boos from the locals he hates to have to live amongst these days as he pulls a mic of his own out.)
John: And introducing my partner...
(ICE grabs the other mic from Buck.)
ICE: Yeah, what washed up loser friend have you brought as your mystery partner brother? Please don’t tell me it is your dad, that lying piece of shit who tricked me into thinking he was my dad!
John: Oh no, this isn’t father Beckman, or really a friend of mine...but he is a paid assassin, well for tonight at least...Ladies Hicks and Gentlemen Hicks, I introduce to you all my tag team partner....weighing in at over 300 pounds and standing over seven feet tall...he is known in the Middle East Wrestling Circuit as Simply the Doer of Death, The West’s Worst Nightmare...He is...SUPER SHEIK!!
(The crowd is in awe for the first time all night as a giant of a man comes walking into the gym. He stands next to John Beckman, his mighty tree like arms crossed and his mighty jaw line showing not a signal emotion.)
Hank Brown: Holy Crap that guy is huge.
PJ: That is what she said.
DEE: Who is she? Your mom?
PJ: My mom has never seen my penis!!!
DEE: Oh yeah, what about when you were a baby?!!
PJ: Fine, maybe then, but your mom sees your penis every day!
DEE: Not every day; just that one time when I thought I had penis cancer and I told you that as a secret!!
Hank Brown: Please guys, can we PLEASE stay focused on the match.
(John could not look cockier as he leads his giant to the ring. ICE looks over at Buck and just shakes his head in disappointment as Buck looks back with a whoops expression.)
Hank Brown: ICE doesn’t seem too happy with John’s partners or Buck’s match making.
DEE: ICE hasn’t been happy with Buck since that guy stole his football sack record in high school.
PJ: Not to mention how Buck stole his girlfriend after that big game at State.
Hank Brown: And now the two have to be partners against this giant and John Beckman; things are beginning to hook up.
PJ: Total WHOA moment, right?
Hank Brown: That is Freddy’s thing PJ.
DEE: Yeah, leave Zach alone PJ.
Hank Brown: Do either of you know who I actually am?
(Silence fills the airwaves as John and Super Sheik enter the ring. Both teams begin to stare down one another as the crowd begins to feel the buzz of tension in the gymnasium’s air during this chilly November night.)
John: You ready to feel the pain Natural! I always told you I was the smarter and therefore better wrestler!
Buck Fucker: You and your freak partner don’t scare us John!
Super Sheik: I...crush...you...both...I CRUSH...AMERICA!!
ICE: Well since you brought your big, well large, well Super Fucking Huge hired gun...how about him and I start out this match.
John: It’s your funeral, brother.
(John exits the ring as Buck Fucker tires to so some over the top high five thing with ICE, who just ignores him, keeping his eyes locked on the Middle East monster who is staring him down from across the ring.)
DING DING DING
Hank Brown: And this match is ON!
PJ: This should be good, not as good as my win over Dee, but still good.
DEE: I keep telling you it was a draw!
PJ: And I keep telling you it was a Match! Dumbass!
(ICE looks at the anger, the rage, the hate in the eyes of the Super Sheik...and that is when he smiles.)
Hank Brown: What is he smiling about?
DEE: Oh I know that look.
PJ: Yeah, this match is about over.
Hank Brown: But it just started.
(ICE is behind the big man like a flash, he then chops blocks the big man down, head-butts him in the back of skull, before hooking him by the head and planting him like a railroad spike with a 100 Proof DDT!! The crowd is shocked, but not more than John, who watches motionless as the referee drops to the ring mat to count.)
Hank Brown: ONE...TWO...THREE!!!
DEE: And this match is over.
PJ: We told ya Hank.
Hank Brown: Yeah, we at least you didn’t speak over my call like ICE.
(ICE Beckman stands up and smiles are the wide open mouth of his older brother John.)
John: But...he...I paid... for...he was so big but....Fucking God Damnit.
ICE: Trust me John, in this time of the ICE Age, it takes more than money to make a man good.
(John quickly abandons his hired gun in the ring as he heads for the back while the crowd gives him all the shit that their high level of blood alcohol level gives them. Somehow in the mayhem of the moment ICE finds himself an American flag which he begins to wave back and forth while planting a foot on the chest of Super Sheik.)
Ring Announcer Buck: The Winner of the Match...Natural ICE Beckman...and ME...BUCK FUCKER!!
Hank Brown: The crowd seems to be happy.
DEE: Well there are extremely drunk.
PJ: God Bless Foam Lake.
Hank Brown: God Bless America!
(Back in the ring ICE Beckman has helped Buck roll the big unconscious big Sheik from the ring and has also found himself a microphone in which to speak to his people.)
ICE: Tonight was defiantly an interesting night...a night of legends, a night of Middle East buffoon like characters, a night of boiling feuds come to head, a night of the ICE AGE...but more than anything, TONIGHT WAS A NIGHT FOR AMERICA!!!
(The fans go nuts for ICE’s simple statement as Hank professional leads us off the air.)
Hank Brown: Well, there you have it, what a night and on behalf of me, Dee, PJ, Buck and of course, Natural ICE Beckman, thank you for watching Foam Lake Wrestling and Have a Good Night America!!
(And with that the show comes to an end...
...but not the promo, as we see Hank chasing after ICE in the parking lot. He finally catches up to your World Champion and grabs his shoulder.)
Hank Brown: So, how about that interview now?
ICE: Sure...and feel free to ask him whatever you want.
Hank Brown: Him?
(ICE pulls PJ out from behind his truck and pushes him towards Hank.)
ICE: Here is your interview Hank, feel free to ask him whatever you want.
Hank Brown:......but?
ICE: I’m a man of my word Hank, now have a good night, I am going to go GET DRUNK!!
Hank Brown: But...but...
PJ: Good question Hank. Yes, I have always been a butt man, I guess it dates back to when my mommy used to spank me.
(Hank shudders in prospect for the next few moments with PJ as Natural ICE walks off with his smile and the World Title and the best thing of all....Pride in his Country.)
The reflection of the moon on the snow causes the clouds in the night to turn the world into an overcast purple. The only warm for the creatures now is tucked into their homes while the true kings of the day cut trails throw the white powder while hunting down a foreign or all too common enemy in their sights. The snow might as well be warm summertime green grass for these warriors kill weather the flames of hell or the comfort of heaven tickle at their toes in this time of the ICE Age. Now go outside and feel the difference I speak about...
Foam Lake Wrestling