Post by Alex Richards on Sept 28, 2014 15:31:15 GMT -5
Narrator: Most people would train for War by going to a gym, or watching tape of their opponents or hell I'm sure there are even some people who train for War by picking fights with random people on the fight. But not Alex, no he had a different sort of idea. Go figure eh? So instead him and I are sulking around in the bushes. It is a beautiful forested area I will give you there. And there is a very nice looking giant building that looks rather house like. Outside there are many patio chairs overlooking the pool and a large umbrella to give shade. Outside there are several guys and girls relaxing by and a few swimming in the pool.
Richards: Man, this place is depressing.
SZR: How is this place depressing? It looks like a country club.
Richards: I wouldn't want to hang out at a country club. All those rich guys talking about their trust funds, their investments, their yacht club. What the hell is yachting? That's not a real sport! Plastic surgery, nuptials, second, third, and fourth marriages to people who weren't even born when you finally learned that keeping that silver spoon in your mouth all the time lead to mockery.
SZR: Do you hate all rich people?
Richards: That's an outright lie. Jay Omega's pretty cool. But the Discovery House here... what kind of pretentious dicks name their place the Discovery house. I think this place needs one thing... a little vitamin A, B, and vitamin Smashed.
SZR: Those are three things.
Richards: Alcohol, Booze, and Smashed are all connected Zach you should know that. I may seem a little on edge but I'm still angry we had to come to the private rehab clinic instead of Alcoholic Anonymous. Apparently someone is Arizona is a wrestling fan so they passed my picture around and barred me from attending meetings. And they used a damn bad picture too. It had a five o clock shadow on my skull that almost make me look like I had hair. I thought they were supposed to be anonymous too.
SZR: I think the fact you brought a cooler tipped them off.
Richards: I wasn't going to force the good men and women of AA to drink warm Zim-Quila. I'm not a savage after all!
SZR: Not a savage eh? Than how do you explain this?
Narrator: I gesture towards the edge of the wooden area where about eighteen boots of Zim-Quila are lined up their contents barely hidden by the large, leafy trees.
Richards: Where I come from Zach, a nature walk just isn't a nature walk without a drink. That's classy.
SZR: Yeah but how are you going to get those people to drink this.. when that guy is watching.
Narrator: I point towards a well dressed man with a clipboard who is obviously in charge in supervising the clients of the clinic.
Richards: That's where you come in Zach. You're going to go over there and talk to him about how your half brother needs help.
SZR: That isn't much of a stretch. I clearly don't have to use my acting skills do I?
Richards: Yeah Yeah... laugh at up.
Narrator: I sneak down the bushes a towards the building in an attempt to make it look like I entered through the house. I start to make idle conversation with the employee as Alex motions from the bushes towards two large, burly men to come towards them. Perhaps bored, they approach.
Richards: You guys enjoy it here?
Man 1: Fuck no! This is court ordered. Apparently if I get in too many bar fights you have a problem.
Richards: That's only a problem if you lose them!
Man 2: That's what I said!
Narrator: Alex speaks softer, as I speak louder because Alex seems to have a volume problem. Go figure eh?
Richards: So how would you gentleman care for a drink?
Man 1: You're joking right? And ruin my 19 days alcohol free?
Richards: You're joking right?
Man 1: Of course I'm joking! You holding?
Man 2: Yeah man. You're big and tough looking but for a drink we'd jump you.
Richards: Now gentlemen, you wouldn't enjoy that drink so much with broken jaws. I have a much easier way to get a drink. You don't jump me.. you jump him.. and then..
Narrator: Alex explains his plan to the two large man who grin and nod. The first man moves his red hair waving a little in the wind as it's hard to believe a man that big can move that fast and immediately tackles the worker I was talking to. The second man grabs the umbrumela from the middle of the table and a beach towel. The duo wrap the smaller man up in the umbrella then tie it with the towel before carrying him off towards the pool house. While they are busying locking him inside Alex emerges from the shadows. He climbs onto the plastic table where the umbrella used to be resting. But the table immediately gives way. Alex lands on his butt then picks up the two largest broken pieces of the table and tosses them into the pool.
Richards: Damn cheap plastic tables! Well now that I have your attention I'll be brief. Most of you probably don't know who I am so I'll enlighten you. I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion! And more importantly then all of that I am the number one contender for the People's championship in the WCF. You guys have not have heard of the WCF..
Narrator: A lady in her late 20s wearing a floral print bikini pipes up.
Lady: Of course we know who you are. This place has cable and there isn't much else to do.
Richards: And that's what I aim to fix! As you might know when I won the number one contender match for that People's championship I made some promises. And due to the fact your booze prison is right next door to the hardware store and has a bolt cutter friendly fence you've been chosen. Now I'm going to be brief because I don't want to get arrested for this. I invite each and every one of you to have a drink with me in celebration of my victory on Slam and my upcoming victory at War!
Lady: I'm not going to ruin all that time spent here for a... What is we're drinking?
Richards: We are drinking my invention.. Zim-Quila.
Lady: I heard of that from Mexico. You know what.. I'm in!
Narrator: Most of the group rushes towards the bushes in search of one of boots of Zim-Quila. A few people stay back and one slips inside. Alex notices this and scoops two boots before walking back to me.
Richards: I think this is about to go south. So I got us each one for the road.
SZR: Huh, you acting responsible?
Richards: I did just give a whole lot of drunks in recovery booze.
SZR: Point taken.
Richards: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself for this one. This campaign promise wasn't a chore. It was my pleasure.
SZR: Um.. you do hear the shouting right?
Narrator: Alex and I slip back into the bushes. Alex exchanges a high five with the two men from earlier then we disappear through the hole in the fence Alex made with the bolt cutters. Before we leave he reaches back in grabbing the bolt cutters. We rush off back to the hardware store next door and pile into the van and drive off just ahead of two security guards. As Alex speeds away I have to ask.
SZR: Did you have to stop for the bolt cutters?
Richards: Hey those those things weren't cheap. Besides you never know when you might need bolt cutters.
SZR: Spoken like a true criminal.
Richards: I did just bootleg alcohol to recovering alcoholics so I'll take that as a compliment.
SZR: Where are we going now?
Richards: I'm glad you asked..
SZR: I wish I didn't..
Narrator: The scene fades out and when it fades back in we are indoor in a place where the smell of chorine is normally overwhelming. But today there is a strange sourish chlorine-ish smell. The bleachers are empty except for one person... bet you thought it was Alex but it isn't. He's also not on the cement floor. Nor in the massive pool. However a scan towards the diving board sees Alex bouncing up and down on it. Alex is wearing his usual wrestling attire which is sort of strange for someone about to jump in a pool. Alex dives into the pool covering himself with.... chocolate milk. Yep, that just happened.
Richards: Delicious!
SZR: Yeah.. you probably shouldn't drink chocolate milk out of a recently drained pool.
Richards: Don't tell me what I shouldn't do! And now that I have filled this pool with chocolate milk I can fulfill another one of my People's championship campaign promises. I've filled the pool with chocolate milk.. at great personal expense. Okay fine, the season is over, they already drained the pool and I got this irregular chocolate milk because they were going to throw it out but it's almost the same. Anyways, Blue Lady, I found us a pool, I filled it with chocolate milk, all that's left to be done is for you to accept my challenge to a chocolate milk match!
SZR: Yeah, that's so not happening.
Richards: She doesn't have to accept the challenge. For me to complete my campaign promise I only had to make it. To be honest I don't even know the rules for a pool of chocolate milk match. Do you win by tossing your opponent in the pool? Does the match start in the pool and you win by holding your opponent under for 60 seconds. Do you each get a straw and the winner is the person who can drink the most?
SZR: There are the questions that keep you up late at night?
Richards: Exactly!
Narrator: Speaking of stuff that keeps you up late at night the man in the bleachers, one Steven Osbourne takes off his robe revealing a pink Speedo and loads of chest hair. He sprints down the bleachers and towards the pool.. screaming out cannonball! He executes the cannonball then Alex grabs him and ducks him under holding him there for a few seconds.
Richards: See, just that easy to win a chocolate milk match!
Narrator: Steven comes up sputtering.
Osbourne: Urg, that tastes like fish. Not that I mind. Where's Chelsea?
Richards: Umm.. I just came here in order to challenge The Blue Lady to a chocolate milk match. Of course she wasn't going to be here. Would someone put that fag out!
Osbourne: HEY HEY HEY! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS MAN! NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME THE SAME TIRED GAY COMMENTS EVERYONE ELSE IS.
Narrator: Alex looks confused. Well more confused than usual.
Richards: What are you talking about? I was commenting on the person smoking!
Narrator: The camera pans to the left to the lifeguard's chair where a blonde male lifeguard looking type, you know the type is smoking a cigarette.
Lifeguard: What? I'm off duty. I can smoke if I want to. Screw you guys, I'm out of here.
Narrator: The lifeguard walks away still smoking his cigarette.
SZR: Well that was weird.
Osbourne: You know Alex, somebody is going to call you out on the fact you're paying so much attention to your people's title match instead of War. Just saying.
Richards: Yeah, some people will say that. But you know what, I'm the only person on the roster who wanted the second match on the show. I was the only one who stepped up and thought I can meet that challenge! Sure, people are going to say.. you're already fighting 30 something people in War, why on earth would you want to fight again on the same show? Simple. 12 people have won War, how many people;e have won a title earlier in the show, then won War? Now I'm not promising I'm going to win War. I'm sure lots of people will, and really someone oughta go around the locker room slapping all of them upside the head next week for being so damn stupid. But I'm the type of guy who wants to fight more than once. I'm the type of man who takes every possible opportunity. Doesn't that sound like the kind of a guy who has a shot in War?
Osbourne: My real question though isn't whether you're going to win War or not.. it's how the hell are you going to clean the pool up.
Richards: That's an easy one. The Seaman volunteered. He said if I let him use it Sunday night after War he'd make sure it was ship shape by Monday. Apparently he and some first mates were going to swap the poop deck or something. You know sailor stuff.
Osbourne: Riiiiight. On that note, I'm going to take a shower. Good luck with the War thing.
Narrator: Fortunately Steven leaves the scene, heading off towards the locker room leaving myself and Alex standing on the cement patio.
SZR: You know if I were a real interviewer I'd ask you if you were going to take it easy on Chelsea seeing as she has been the ringleader of those attacks you've been involved in lately.
Richards: You think really I'd do that? If I took it easy on the Blue Lady not only would she beat me to within an inch of my life during the match, but when I crawled to the back The Omega Man, The Wolf, and the Scot would give me another thrashing. And I'd deserve it! No, I'm planning on beating on the Blue Lady until she can take no more and do you know why? Because it's an insult to do less! She'll be trying to do the same to me. You think I'd follow someone if I thought they were weak? Absolutely not! Chelsea is a dangerous blue lady and to treat her like anything less is an insult.
SZR: I dunno. She didn't seem very confident during her interview earlier this week.
Richards: You bought that? Let me tell you this Zach, do you think Chelsea would be able to lead a pack of wild men like she has if she wasn't mentally strong? You think she would lead attacks on men like Fly, Logan,Black, and Reb if she wasn't strong? The same people who think she's really doubting herself are probably the same people who think I'm stupid. And those people, in addition to being proven wrong at War, are pure morons.
SZR: So you're saying Corey Black is a moron?
Richards: Actually you said it. But come to think of it. I'd own that. Yes, Corey Black, you are a moron. For the record.
HOLY SHIT!
Narrator: A voice screams out from the locker room area.
Richards: I think Steven found my surprise.
SZR: What surprise?
Richards: You didn't think I wasn't prepared for War did you? Well I figured I would show just how prepared for War I am. You see I looked it up, in War you can lose by pinfall or submission. No disqualification, no count outs. The first one is more important to me though because I thought what would be fitting to use against each of the competitors in the match if I could. So I went ahead and put together a stack of weapons of destruction I would use to lead to the demise of each men in War. Provided I get the chance mind you.
Narrator: At this point the lifeguard from earlier comes out driving a small running lawn mower which is pulling behind it a large trailer filled with... well I don't want to spoil the surprise now do I?
Richards: This one is for Biohazard and Tyler Walker. Or Walker, Texas Flyranger. Or whatever else it is he's calling himself these days. Now I don't actually need a weapon to defeat either of these guys. And odds are the first person they see eliminate him so it probably won't even be me but I got them something nevertheless.
Narrator: Alex digs around in the wagon and comes up with two red mittens, and a third, double sized connected mitten.
Richards: These things are called Smittens. Now I know they are out of season but by the time it starts to get cold I'm sure you guys will be missing each other by then. Besides no one else can really stand either of you so you belong together.
SZR: That was beautiful man.
Richards: Really?
SZR: No, not really! Move on!
Richards: Hey I was just trying to help Walker and Biohazard win something. They aren't winning War after all.
Narrator: Alex reaches back into the pile and Shaun starts to freak out noticing that Alex has pulled out a massive Rambo style gun!
SZR: DUDE YOU CAN NOT BRING THAT TO WAR! IT'S A FREAKING GUN! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?
Richards: It's not a real gun Zach. It's modified.
SZR: You modified an assault weapon? That's even worse!
Richards: It's what I'm going to use to eliminate Deuce Murdoch.
SZR: You're going to kill him in the middle of the ring? Umm.. Alex, you know we're family right. But I think..
Richards: It doesn't shoot bullets. Did you really think I was that crazy?
SZR: I guess not but damn you had me going for a second there.
Richards: Of course it doesn't. It merely shoots out LSD.
SZR: Yeah, because that's so much better.
Richards: I figure I get Deuce tripping out and it'll be easy to finish him off. That maybe Zombie and a few other wrestlers fight over who's getting the next dose and they will be easy game as well. I heard how filled with rage Deuce is already this week. Maybe some drugs will calm him down. It always works for me.
SZR: Um.. you have seen yourself right?
Richards: You have seen me without the pills and booze haven't you? Deuce probably thinks he's got some sort of an advantage because he's been in wars before. But this isn't a war, this is War. In a war you have to kill people. Not everyone can do that. But in War, you just have to pin or have them submit. So having actual war experience, not all that helpful really. It's like me claiming call of duty is gonna help me win war. Or that bootlegged version of Ice's WCF game I found on the internet.
SZR: I can't believe you found anything on the internet.
Richards: Well I was looking for.. never mind.
Narrator: Alex returns to his wagon, obviously wanting to change the subject. By the way I looked up what Alex was trying to find on the internet, it was how to knit a sweater. Busted. Alex comes back carrying a massive speaker that looks like it came from the 90s. And probably did.
Richards: I got this at a pawn shop and thought of you Kaz Mazy. You're in the entertainment business as well as the wrestling business. I still remember that classic radio bit where Howard Stern convinced a woman to masturbate to the vibrations from a speaker that sort of looked like this one. Now we can't relive that scene on pay per view. Not that we would want to. But I can eliminate you from War by bashing you with this giant speaker. And hey it'll give you something to talk about on your next show. Maybe you can even bring in that woman for an interview. Course she's probably pretty old by now. I'm just trying to give you a few ideas for what you can talk about on the next episode of Unfiltered. Because your original plan of talking about what's it's like to be number one contender for the world title. That so isn't happening.
SZR: He could interview former number one contenders like Colin Marshall or something. If he can find him.
Richards: I knew there was a reason I kept you around. Besides the fact you're my half brother, you hold the camera, and you keep me out of jail.
SZR: I also handle your money for you. Winning War and then becoming world champion would earn you more by the way.
Richards: Since when I have ever cared about money?
SZR: Fine. It's an excuse to throw two separate victory parties.
Richards: Now that motivates me! Let's see who's next..
Narrator: Alex returns to the wagon this time coming back with a small container of scalp wax.
SZR: What on earth use could that possibly have?
Richards: It's my secret weapon against Brent Alpine. I'm going to use the wax on my own skull and show Brent who truly is the Shine. He's going to be so demoralized he'll be easy prey.
SZR: If he were still the Vine would you have swung in on a vine like Tarzan?
Richards: Hey! Quit stealing my ideas!
Narrator: Alex looks annoyed for some reason but then.. wow.. he returns carefully carrying a weed whacker which is wrapped in razor wire with what appears to be broken glass glued to it. He sets the weapon down.
SZR: Who is that for?
Richards: That's the ultimate hardcore weapon. That's for the self proclaimed Epitome of Hardcore Gravedigger. He wants to call himself the icon of the hardcore division, I don't think so! Oh, I'm not claiming it. Maybe some day I will. I am pretty crazy, as you can tell I am creative with weapons and I don't particularly mind it if someone hurts me as long as I get to return the favor. But Gravedigger you are not the kind of hardcore. That honor belongs to my former tag team partner Oblivion. Since he isn't going to be here I have to take up his cause and prove you wrong. Unless he happens to make a surprise appearance and does it himself.
SZR: I dunno if that would be good for you. I heard a rumor he wanted a match against you.
Richards: I heard a rumor Bill Gates was playing the Terminator in a direct to video movie as well. That don't make it true. Just like Gravedigger saying he's the Epitome of Hardcore instead of the eight time hardcore champion. By the end I out hardcored Oblivion once to capture the hardcore championship. I can certainly out hardcore you in War. The fact that Gravedigger came back and immediately takes it for granted that he's going to win War is why I hate veterans like him. He comes in and gives away all his stuff so he can be hungry again. Zach, what do I do to motivate myself every single week?
SZR: Show up and fight?
Richards: Exactly! I don't need to have nothing to want to bring the fight to my opponents. I just do it naturally! You probably think I'm some sort of joke. That I don't have the desire you do Gravedigger. Let me tell you this, I lost 9 out of my first 13 matches in the WCF. Did I tuck tail and leave? Did I quit? No, I just fought harder! Gravedigger, you want people to think you're still a bad ass. I disagree. I saw how you handled your family business. You cut your brother out of your will basically because he's an alcoholic? Well for me, if you don't have a drinking problem that's the real problem. But if I did have a problem with someone drinking too much I wouldn't handle in such a weak way. I recently had a family problem. You want to know how Zach and I handled it. Well I'm not going to tell you if you don't have to do the research yourself.
SZR: Plus you shouldn't talk about illegal things on camera.
Richards: But the fact remains I handled my problem like a man of violent means should. You handled yours like a lawyer would. You think you're going to eliminate me from War. It's about time you learned what the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion is all about.
Narrator: Alex walks over back to his trailer, and looks around. I choke back some laughter as I see he is carrying a stuffed children's toy of a sheep.
SZR: Dare I ask what that is for?
Richards: Cormack MacNeil of course. I don't want him to think I forget about his haggis eating challenge. I figure he's going to be so busy laughing that he won't know it's loaded with a brick then boom.. match over.
SZR: I thought I saw you guys teaming up on Reb last week now you're going to level him with a brick?
Richards: Damn straight! Well probably not immediately. The Blue Lady, The Omega Man, The Scot and I all have common interests in getting rid of some of the so called establishment but we also all know only one of us can win. So yeah, I'm gonna fight Cormack at some point. He's gonna want to do the same thing. However the Scot and I are in agreement. We think the match should be a hair vs. Hair match. Whenever you're eliminated you shave your head. Who's in?
SZR: Probably no one since you have nothing to lose..
Richards: Cowards.
Narrator: Alex returns to the cart rooting around for a long time. Fortunately most of the time he spent looking for the object was edited out but he spent a lot time looking that's for sure. He finally returns carrying a stop sign with the words “Stop... War”
Richards: War... huh yeah.. what is it good for.. absolutely nothing. I figured this stop sign would be a fitting object to use against the holy flame. Most people would have chosen something religious but I don't think like most people. Joe, you can be anti war or pro war. You are pro Richards for People's champion so I can't say the guy is all bad. Steeltoe Joe wants to fight for change. I don't really disagree with that to be honest. I see the people on top and I don't think they deserve to be there either. But sorry Joe, you already had your chance to change things. You didn't do it then and so odds are you aren't going to do it now. I don't really have a personal issue with Joe though. Unless you destroy Ice's brewery.. that Whoop Ass beer is the best, then it's on my friend!
Narrator: Alex goes back once more and this time emerges with... absolutely nothing.
Richards: This one is for Johnny Fly. He gets nothing. By the way when I receive my gift basket, I'm throwing the hot fries out. Hot fries suck. I would send them back but that would be doing you a favor. I get it. You think you're better than everyone else here. You think you're going to win War again, that it's a forgone conclusion. You're a stone cold killer right? Actually I lied... I totally got you something.
Narrator: Alex comes back again carrying a gore horse's head.
SZR: That's disgusting.
Richards: Hey I'm not the butchers' shop that sold this. You think you can scare people with your mafia connections? I don't scare that easily Fly. So ahead and think you're easily going to win War. That's actually why the Blue Lady has been attacking you and your friends. Someone needs to knock you all of that pedestal you put yourselves on. If you're really the best Fly, why does Ice still hold that world title and why did Ice defeat your former friend Steve Orbit for that belt and is about to beat your current BBF Corey Black. Simple fact, you aren't as good as you think you are. You aren't the Godfather of the WCF and one of those Flyjobbers in War is going to make you eat your words. I hope it's me.
SZR: Isn't Bobby Cairo the godfather? Are you trying to pit them against each other? If so.. great plan.
Richards: I was talking about the movie. I would never do something devious like that...
Narrator: Alex winks or he had something in his eye. But nevertheless he continues speaking.
Richards: Now it didn't fit in the wagon.. but I bought it anyways. Gentleman..
Narrator: Three men come out wearing barbershop striped red jackets and striped red hats as well as red bow ties. They also carry barber pole striped canes. The trio hand Alex a jacket, tie, cane and hat. The four men stand beside each other and start to sing..
Quartet 1: Livewire...
Quartet 2: Livewire...
Quartet 3: Livewire...
Richards: LIVEWIRE!
Quartet 2 : Shouting is not singing. Calm it down.
All: Everyone think you are here for a War!
But even compared to Alex's singing your chances are Poor!
You earned a shot once, you won't earn a shot twice!
But let's face it you should let Alex face Ice!
Or anyone else.. you should stay away from Ice!
SZR: Wow, you guys are good.
Richards: Thanks.
Quartet 1: I don't think he was talking to you.
Quartet 2: If you didn't let us announce the Fair Feathered Gentlemen are available for bookings for the month of.. well pretty much any month we wouldn't have let you sing with the group.
Richards: But as for beating Grayson Pierce at War?
Quartet 3: We'll give you that. You're a scary dude.
Richards: That's all I wanted. Thank you gentleman.
SZR: You really shouldn't sing.
Richards: Hey it doesn't stop Pierce! Plus you know.. I got this sweet cane to use against him at War. If I'm being honest though, Grayson is a tough guy. And at least he isn't one of those vets with their heads so far up their own ass they can't tell if it's day or night. By the day true story, that's the rumored reason as to why Logan was scratched from the War match.
SZR: I think you made that up.
Richards: Logan once dressed as Sarah Twilight. If he stuck his own head up his butt is that any lower? I hope you do well and all Grayson but you ain't getting past me. And hey completed another one of my strange campaign challenges.
Narrator: Well there is that. By now we all know Alex is going for another weapon so let's skip the pretense shall we? Alex comes back carrying a bag of thumb tacks and a bottle of vinegar.
SZR: Ummm yikes.
Richards: This one is for you Corey Black. Yeah, I know you're too good to compete in War. You already got a tag team title match. You already got a world title shot. You're probably figuring you'll “let” Johnny Fly win right? That'll be your excuse right Black? The more I get to know you Black the less I respect you. You make me feel ashamed I used to want to be in Pantheon. Before I got to know you guys a bit I used to look up to you. I used to think Pantheon was THE group to be in in the WCF. I used to think you guys were cool. Now I know better, you weren't the cool guys, you were the pretentious douchebags wearing retro clothes looking down on everyone else while drinking imported wine. What's wrong with beer? Or Zim-Quila for that matter. That stuff is the shit.
SZR: Way to publize your brand.
Richards: I thought it was good too. I chose the most hardcore weapon possible to use against you Corey because I want you to suffer. I want you to feel pain. I want you to know that even though you have an upcoming title shot. Even though you took the tag titles away from me. Even though you lied and almost put the Blue Lady in jail. You aren't better than us! You aren't better than me. If you show up to War Corey I plan to make you suffer. Please.. show up to War.
Narrator: Alex takes a swig of the vinegar and then walks and quickly returns rolling a keg.
SZR: Why the hell did you drink vinegar?
Richards: It has several health benefits.
SZR: Like what? And did you hear it on Fox news?
Richards: For.. who wants to lock up with a guy with vinegar breathe?
SZR: I guess that makes sense. What's with the keg?
Richards: This one is for Randall Kash. I recently learned he's a fellow bar owner. Yep, unlike him I do some research because apparently he doesn't know who I am. That's alright though. I mean when you're out of wrestling, and retired, you clearly shouldn't research who you are facing right? I mean that's totally a recipe for success right? I don't know how Randall Kash hasn't been world champion already with his attitude. But that's alright, not everyone is War has to have a chance at winning right? And besides Randy owns a bar so I have a soft spot for him. That's why I decided that I was going to use a weapon every bar man loves against me. A keg! This one is empty of beer so I can sort of hurl it donkey kong style at him! That's fun right? Sorry Randy, that's as much fun as you are going to get to have in War.
SZR: Donkey kong style? Really?
Richards: What do you want from me Zach? There's only so much you can say about someone who hasn't done anything in the WCF. At least when Steve Orbit ignored me he has accomplished something in the past around here. But that's okay Randall, if you happen to last long enough in War to meet me you will certainly remember me. Speaking of which..
Narrator: Alex jogs off again and then returns with a large framed picture of himself.
Richards: Hey at least this is a better picture then the one on those poster in AA. Bryan “Buzz” Worthy this is for you. After I smash it over your head you probably won't forget about me again. What's with people not taking me seriously anyways? Bryan, not going to lie it kind of hurts. I certainly haven't forgotten about you. You're one of my few losses I will actually get the chance to avenge. And what type of competitor would I be if I didn't take advantage of that. I remember you pinning me during a tag team match in one of my first contests in the WCF. I want you to see first hand how much I have improved.
Narrator: Alex starts to walk off then stops.
Richards: And before I select my next weapon I just want to let you know that I'm wrestling this match under protest.
SZR: Why's that?
Richards: The Nerdsmashers aren't allowed in War? Why the hell is Louie, Ultimate Destroyer, and Gravedigger,Jr allowed in War and they aren't? They can't be any worse than those guys. Besides I watched revenge of the nerds to get psyched in order to smash them and now all my research has gone to waste. That makes me angry.
SZR: Do you think before you speak?
Richards: What do you think? Makes life more interesting that way. And speaking of interesting...
Narrator: Alex returns from his trip to the wagon carrying an oversized bone of some sort.
Richards: This one is for Hyena. Sorry man, you didn't get to win back Whoop Ass beer. You aren't going to win War either. But this bone is bad ass! When I hit you over the head with it I'll feel like a moondog! That's something I guess. Then you can take it to the back with you on chew on it. That'll make things better right?
Narrator: Alex walks to the back and then returns carrying a steel chair.
Richards: I know this is barely trying. But really Shawn Scholes, Jimmy Dean, Justin Cash, I don't see you guys really trying either. So this should get the job done right. Well provided I even have the chance to. I'm figuring the first person you run into will be the last anyways so why waste time.
Narrator: Alex walks away again, it looks almost like he is starting to wear a hole in the cement from pacing back and forth so much but he comes back waving the American flag.
SZR: You're going to use the flag as a weapon?
Richards: Perish the thought! I'm going to give this to Bobby Cairo! I mean his best days are far behind him. He retired as a tag team champion because he knew if he didn't one of those days Oblivion and I would team up and then his and Odin's days as champion were over. So if he retired before I ever showed up his legacy would be safe. Unfortunately for Bobby he decided to come back during War and so I'm going to have to take him out. Sorry Bobby. To be honest I can't really say anything too bad about Cairo. Anyone who killed Hitler is a good guy in my books. Damn, I wish I could have killed Hitler. Guess I'll have to try and win War instead.
Narrator: And Alex comes back again this time he looks furious carrying an assortment of Justin Beiber merchandise. He has cds, dvds, hats, towels, even a Justin Beiber cooler.
Richards: I wanted to be like Night Rider was back. Really I did. Without Night Rider I might never have gotten on track. He was the first man to start my winning streak. But I just can't. Because mere moments after I heard Night Rider was returning to the WCF to compete in War I heard some great news. There was going to be a Night Rider movie. Then I heard that Justin Beiber was going to play Kit. Seriously! Thanks to you returning to action the Night Rider movie is being made. Because of that Justin Beiber is ruining my child hood by starring as Kit. Sorry man, this is unforgivable. I'm going to have to hurt you bad with each and every piece of Beiber swag I can find. I stopped Beib-lieving you could win War. I beib-lieve I'm going to hurt you for forcing me to make that pun.
SZR: He didn't force you to make that pun.
Narrator: Shit! Alex drops me with a shot to the skull with a Justin Beiber frisbee.
Richards: Don't test me I'm getting ready for War.
SZR: Why don't you stop hitting me and bring us something for Greenfever or Switches.
Richards: I can't.
SZR: Why not?
Richards: He doesn't exist.
SZR: Huh?
Richards: He thinks he's God and I don't believe in God. Therefore I don't believe Greenfever exists.
SZR: You really don't believe in God?
Richards: A bunch of savages, maniacs, drug addicts, alcoholics, murderers, deviants every year get together and compete for a gold idol. If there was a God wouldn't lightning have stuck the ring by now and killed all the competitors? Plus you know.. you met my parents.
SZR: Fair enough.
Narrator: Alex returns from another trip carrying what appears to be a confederate flag but as Alex releases it it's revealed as a confederate colored chain.
SZR: Dude! You haven't decided to add racist to the list of insults people could level against you have you?
Richards: No, this is for Doc Henry and Johnny Reb. I mean this is a singles match right? But there's no reason Johnny shouldn't be shackled to the dead weight that is Doc Henry. Doc's the guy who tried for almost two months to get his 80th win and finally succeeded because of someone else earning a pin fall for him. That sort of sums up The New Confederacy. Johnny Reb trying to win, Doc Henry being pulled along for the ride. Hell when Doc was gone Johnny earned a win over Steve Orbit. People think I'm stupid but what's with the blind loyalty to Henry, Reb?
SZR: Hey I'm loyal to you and you always do stupid stuff.
Richards: That's because one we're family. And two, I make life more interesting for you.
SZR: You forgot one, and it's the reason why Johnny hangs out with Doc. You make me look sane.
Richards: Neither of them look sane. The whole time travel thing. Most people think that's nutty. They're wrong but still.
SZR: Johnny hangs out with Doc because it makes him look good. As long as he's with Doc he doesn't have to step up his game. He can be.. comfortable.
Richards: I think you're onto something Zach. I'm sure Johnny will turn in the better performance but in the end neither of them will win which is all that really counts.
Narrator: Alex stalks off again and this time returns with a Comadore 64 computer in hand. Well both hands it is a large outdated computer.
Richards: This one is for Zombie. I'll both hit him over with the head with it then present it to him in the locker room. I heard your rant earlier this week and I think it's time you stay off the internet and stop embarrassing yourself on twitter. You can still embarrass yourself in the ring though if you want to.
Narrator: Speaking of embarrassing gifts Alex returns carrying a very large dildo with two ends on it.
Richards: Jayson Price, this isn't actually for you. I mean I'm gonna smack you in the skull with it before pinning you in War if I can but when you're done with it can you take it to Johnny Fly and Corey Black. That's why I know their story about Chelsea was bull, they don't love anyone except each other. This should help spice up their relationship. Now I'll bet you'll be mad I'm getting you to play errand boy and you still be. You should be mad you haven't won in so long people who have been there less than a year are overlooking you. But if you lose for two straight months. And do so poorly Seth doesn't want you in War not because you're a threat but because he can't see you making him any money. Sorry them's the breaks.
Narrator: Alex returns to his wagon and this time returns with a jar full of bugs.
SZR: What use could that possibly have?
Richards: I'm going to use this jar full of termites to do Jeff Purse a favor. And get rid of that giant sack of preaching wood he's listening to for some reason. I might be a little crazy but while the bottle might inspire me I don't think the bottle is talking to me. Jeff, your puppet man? People used to laugh with you now they are just laughing at you. I can't believe it though, Father Terry he's actually a step down from being in Pantheon. Don't worry Jeff, I'm going to save you. You won't win War but at least you won't be playing with dolls anymore after War. I think it'll be more difficult when I used to melt those barbie dolls but these termites should get the job done.
Narrator: Alex walks back over to the lawn mower and collects another prize. I promise he's almost gone through everyone. This time he comes back carrying an award, A Razzie as it will.
Richards: I bought this off the internet just for John Gable. John isn't actually even a good enough actor to win one of these so getting smashed with one is probably as close to winning a real award as he's ever going to get. But John I only have a few words for you. Watch my match against the Blue Lady and then watch War, well after you've been eliminated. Maybe I'll show you how to win two important matches in one night.
Narrator: Alex turns to walk away then stops and shakes his head.
SZR: You aren't going back into the wagon again?
Richards: I think people get the point. I do have a few words for some choices individuals. You know sometimes words speak louder than props. Jay Omega, Chelsea Armstrong... if I win I'm inviting you guys to the victory party. If I lose, I'm inviting you to the at least we kicked Corey Black's ass party. If we don't do that.. I'm inviting you to the New People's champion party. Anyways, we need to party. And I'm gonna win. Blue Lady, you're the longest reigning champion in the WCF. You have great ideas. You're a natural leader. But all good things must come to an end. To make way for something stranger. Torture, I'm so sick of taking about veterans, especially veterans who return and don't do anything. I'm done seriously.
SZR: You're done?
Richards: No, I have one more person, Steve Orbit. Steve, I heard the very basic things you had to say about me. Sorry Steve, you didn't convince me you know what you're going to be up against when we fight. Yeah sure, you have my hardcore title. It took three goons jumping me to accomplish that but you got the belt. You didn't pin me but you got the belt. Be proud of that Steve. Be proud of the fact you haven't defended the title in two months. Or ever. Yeah I can tell you're a great hardcore champion. I'm sure you'll make just as great a winner of War. But there aren't any goons to keep me off of you this time. You have as much chance of winning War as you do of winning an Oscar.
SZR: He has a better chance of winning an Oscar than you do.
Richards: Hey, I was quite proud of my work in the independent horror movie, The Monster In The Attic.
SZR: Let me guess you were the monster in the attic?
Richards: No, I was the monster in the closet. I was the cousin of the monster in the attic. I came out in the end and ate the girl. That movie sounds bad right?
SZR: No, not at all. How could that possibly be bad?
Richards: Still better than Orbits.
SZR: Yikes.
Richards: You know what Zach. I'm sick of weapons and I'm sick of gimmicks. I'm sure everyone in this match is going to think Alex isn't taking things seriously. I'm not bringing them, I'm just going to bring myself. I might be joking around now but I take War seriously. I see and hear everyone thinking I'm stupid, thinking I'm fat and ugly, and thinking I have no chance. Then I eliminate you, I'll remember that, then I'll move on. When this match is over, I may not have won War, but I will have damn sure made everyone take notice of me. But maybe I can.. maybe I will. The biggest upset in WCF history... stranger things have happened. And no one is stranger than me.
Fade To Black.
Richards: Man, this place is depressing.
SZR: How is this place depressing? It looks like a country club.
Richards: I wouldn't want to hang out at a country club. All those rich guys talking about their trust funds, their investments, their yacht club. What the hell is yachting? That's not a real sport! Plastic surgery, nuptials, second, third, and fourth marriages to people who weren't even born when you finally learned that keeping that silver spoon in your mouth all the time lead to mockery.
SZR: Do you hate all rich people?
Richards: That's an outright lie. Jay Omega's pretty cool. But the Discovery House here... what kind of pretentious dicks name their place the Discovery house. I think this place needs one thing... a little vitamin A, B, and vitamin Smashed.
SZR: Those are three things.
Richards: Alcohol, Booze, and Smashed are all connected Zach you should know that. I may seem a little on edge but I'm still angry we had to come to the private rehab clinic instead of Alcoholic Anonymous. Apparently someone is Arizona is a wrestling fan so they passed my picture around and barred me from attending meetings. And they used a damn bad picture too. It had a five o clock shadow on my skull that almost make me look like I had hair. I thought they were supposed to be anonymous too.
SZR: I think the fact you brought a cooler tipped them off.
Richards: I wasn't going to force the good men and women of AA to drink warm Zim-Quila. I'm not a savage after all!
SZR: Not a savage eh? Than how do you explain this?
Narrator: I gesture towards the edge of the wooden area where about eighteen boots of Zim-Quila are lined up their contents barely hidden by the large, leafy trees.
Richards: Where I come from Zach, a nature walk just isn't a nature walk without a drink. That's classy.
SZR: Yeah but how are you going to get those people to drink this.. when that guy is watching.
Narrator: I point towards a well dressed man with a clipboard who is obviously in charge in supervising the clients of the clinic.
Richards: That's where you come in Zach. You're going to go over there and talk to him about how your half brother needs help.
SZR: That isn't much of a stretch. I clearly don't have to use my acting skills do I?
Richards: Yeah Yeah... laugh at up.
Narrator: I sneak down the bushes a towards the building in an attempt to make it look like I entered through the house. I start to make idle conversation with the employee as Alex motions from the bushes towards two large, burly men to come towards them. Perhaps bored, they approach.
Richards: You guys enjoy it here?
Man 1: Fuck no! This is court ordered. Apparently if I get in too many bar fights you have a problem.
Richards: That's only a problem if you lose them!
Man 2: That's what I said!
Narrator: Alex speaks softer, as I speak louder because Alex seems to have a volume problem. Go figure eh?
Richards: So how would you gentleman care for a drink?
Man 1: You're joking right? And ruin my 19 days alcohol free?
Richards: You're joking right?
Man 1: Of course I'm joking! You holding?
Man 2: Yeah man. You're big and tough looking but for a drink we'd jump you.
Richards: Now gentlemen, you wouldn't enjoy that drink so much with broken jaws. I have a much easier way to get a drink. You don't jump me.. you jump him.. and then..
Narrator: Alex explains his plan to the two large man who grin and nod. The first man moves his red hair waving a little in the wind as it's hard to believe a man that big can move that fast and immediately tackles the worker I was talking to. The second man grabs the umbrumela from the middle of the table and a beach towel. The duo wrap the smaller man up in the umbrella then tie it with the towel before carrying him off towards the pool house. While they are busying locking him inside Alex emerges from the shadows. He climbs onto the plastic table where the umbrella used to be resting. But the table immediately gives way. Alex lands on his butt then picks up the two largest broken pieces of the table and tosses them into the pool.
Richards: Damn cheap plastic tables! Well now that I have your attention I'll be brief. Most of you probably don't know who I am so I'll enlighten you. I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion! And more importantly then all of that I am the number one contender for the People's championship in the WCF. You guys have not have heard of the WCF..
Narrator: A lady in her late 20s wearing a floral print bikini pipes up.
Lady: Of course we know who you are. This place has cable and there isn't much else to do.
Richards: And that's what I aim to fix! As you might know when I won the number one contender match for that People's championship I made some promises. And due to the fact your booze prison is right next door to the hardware store and has a bolt cutter friendly fence you've been chosen. Now I'm going to be brief because I don't want to get arrested for this. I invite each and every one of you to have a drink with me in celebration of my victory on Slam and my upcoming victory at War!
Lady: I'm not going to ruin all that time spent here for a... What is we're drinking?
Richards: We are drinking my invention.. Zim-Quila.
Lady: I heard of that from Mexico. You know what.. I'm in!
Narrator: Most of the group rushes towards the bushes in search of one of boots of Zim-Quila. A few people stay back and one slips inside. Alex notices this and scoops two boots before walking back to me.
Richards: I think this is about to go south. So I got us each one for the road.
SZR: Huh, you acting responsible?
Richards: I did just give a whole lot of drunks in recovery booze.
SZR: Point taken.
Richards: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself for this one. This campaign promise wasn't a chore. It was my pleasure.
SZR: Um.. you do hear the shouting right?
Narrator: Alex and I slip back into the bushes. Alex exchanges a high five with the two men from earlier then we disappear through the hole in the fence Alex made with the bolt cutters. Before we leave he reaches back in grabbing the bolt cutters. We rush off back to the hardware store next door and pile into the van and drive off just ahead of two security guards. As Alex speeds away I have to ask.
SZR: Did you have to stop for the bolt cutters?
Richards: Hey those those things weren't cheap. Besides you never know when you might need bolt cutters.
SZR: Spoken like a true criminal.
Richards: I did just bootleg alcohol to recovering alcoholics so I'll take that as a compliment.
SZR: Where are we going now?
Richards: I'm glad you asked..
SZR: I wish I didn't..
Narrator: The scene fades out and when it fades back in we are indoor in a place where the smell of chorine is normally overwhelming. But today there is a strange sourish chlorine-ish smell. The bleachers are empty except for one person... bet you thought it was Alex but it isn't. He's also not on the cement floor. Nor in the massive pool. However a scan towards the diving board sees Alex bouncing up and down on it. Alex is wearing his usual wrestling attire which is sort of strange for someone about to jump in a pool. Alex dives into the pool covering himself with.... chocolate milk. Yep, that just happened.
Richards: Delicious!
SZR: Yeah.. you probably shouldn't drink chocolate milk out of a recently drained pool.
Richards: Don't tell me what I shouldn't do! And now that I have filled this pool with chocolate milk I can fulfill another one of my People's championship campaign promises. I've filled the pool with chocolate milk.. at great personal expense. Okay fine, the season is over, they already drained the pool and I got this irregular chocolate milk because they were going to throw it out but it's almost the same. Anyways, Blue Lady, I found us a pool, I filled it with chocolate milk, all that's left to be done is for you to accept my challenge to a chocolate milk match!
SZR: Yeah, that's so not happening.
Richards: She doesn't have to accept the challenge. For me to complete my campaign promise I only had to make it. To be honest I don't even know the rules for a pool of chocolate milk match. Do you win by tossing your opponent in the pool? Does the match start in the pool and you win by holding your opponent under for 60 seconds. Do you each get a straw and the winner is the person who can drink the most?
SZR: There are the questions that keep you up late at night?
Richards: Exactly!
Narrator: Speaking of stuff that keeps you up late at night the man in the bleachers, one Steven Osbourne takes off his robe revealing a pink Speedo and loads of chest hair. He sprints down the bleachers and towards the pool.. screaming out cannonball! He executes the cannonball then Alex grabs him and ducks him under holding him there for a few seconds.
Richards: See, just that easy to win a chocolate milk match!
Narrator: Steven comes up sputtering.
Osbourne: Urg, that tastes like fish. Not that I mind. Where's Chelsea?
Richards: Umm.. I just came here in order to challenge The Blue Lady to a chocolate milk match. Of course she wasn't going to be here. Would someone put that fag out!
Osbourne: HEY HEY HEY! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS MAN! NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME THE SAME TIRED GAY COMMENTS EVERYONE ELSE IS.
Narrator: Alex looks confused. Well more confused than usual.
Richards: What are you talking about? I was commenting on the person smoking!
Narrator: The camera pans to the left to the lifeguard's chair where a blonde male lifeguard looking type, you know the type is smoking a cigarette.
Lifeguard: What? I'm off duty. I can smoke if I want to. Screw you guys, I'm out of here.
Narrator: The lifeguard walks away still smoking his cigarette.
SZR: Well that was weird.
Osbourne: You know Alex, somebody is going to call you out on the fact you're paying so much attention to your people's title match instead of War. Just saying.
Richards: Yeah, some people will say that. But you know what, I'm the only person on the roster who wanted the second match on the show. I was the only one who stepped up and thought I can meet that challenge! Sure, people are going to say.. you're already fighting 30 something people in War, why on earth would you want to fight again on the same show? Simple. 12 people have won War, how many people;e have won a title earlier in the show, then won War? Now I'm not promising I'm going to win War. I'm sure lots of people will, and really someone oughta go around the locker room slapping all of them upside the head next week for being so damn stupid. But I'm the type of guy who wants to fight more than once. I'm the type of man who takes every possible opportunity. Doesn't that sound like the kind of a guy who has a shot in War?
Osbourne: My real question though isn't whether you're going to win War or not.. it's how the hell are you going to clean the pool up.
Richards: That's an easy one. The Seaman volunteered. He said if I let him use it Sunday night after War he'd make sure it was ship shape by Monday. Apparently he and some first mates were going to swap the poop deck or something. You know sailor stuff.
Osbourne: Riiiiight. On that note, I'm going to take a shower. Good luck with the War thing.
Narrator: Fortunately Steven leaves the scene, heading off towards the locker room leaving myself and Alex standing on the cement patio.
SZR: You know if I were a real interviewer I'd ask you if you were going to take it easy on Chelsea seeing as she has been the ringleader of those attacks you've been involved in lately.
Richards: You think really I'd do that? If I took it easy on the Blue Lady not only would she beat me to within an inch of my life during the match, but when I crawled to the back The Omega Man, The Wolf, and the Scot would give me another thrashing. And I'd deserve it! No, I'm planning on beating on the Blue Lady until she can take no more and do you know why? Because it's an insult to do less! She'll be trying to do the same to me. You think I'd follow someone if I thought they were weak? Absolutely not! Chelsea is a dangerous blue lady and to treat her like anything less is an insult.
SZR: I dunno. She didn't seem very confident during her interview earlier this week.
Richards: You bought that? Let me tell you this Zach, do you think Chelsea would be able to lead a pack of wild men like she has if she wasn't mentally strong? You think she would lead attacks on men like Fly, Logan,Black, and Reb if she wasn't strong? The same people who think she's really doubting herself are probably the same people who think I'm stupid. And those people, in addition to being proven wrong at War, are pure morons.
SZR: So you're saying Corey Black is a moron?
Richards: Actually you said it. But come to think of it. I'd own that. Yes, Corey Black, you are a moron. For the record.
HOLY SHIT!
Narrator: A voice screams out from the locker room area.
Richards: I think Steven found my surprise.
SZR: What surprise?
Richards: You didn't think I wasn't prepared for War did you? Well I figured I would show just how prepared for War I am. You see I looked it up, in War you can lose by pinfall or submission. No disqualification, no count outs. The first one is more important to me though because I thought what would be fitting to use against each of the competitors in the match if I could. So I went ahead and put together a stack of weapons of destruction I would use to lead to the demise of each men in War. Provided I get the chance mind you.
Narrator: At this point the lifeguard from earlier comes out driving a small running lawn mower which is pulling behind it a large trailer filled with... well I don't want to spoil the surprise now do I?
Richards: This one is for Biohazard and Tyler Walker. Or Walker, Texas Flyranger. Or whatever else it is he's calling himself these days. Now I don't actually need a weapon to defeat either of these guys. And odds are the first person they see eliminate him so it probably won't even be me but I got them something nevertheless.
Narrator: Alex digs around in the wagon and comes up with two red mittens, and a third, double sized connected mitten.
Richards: These things are called Smittens. Now I know they are out of season but by the time it starts to get cold I'm sure you guys will be missing each other by then. Besides no one else can really stand either of you so you belong together.
SZR: That was beautiful man.
Richards: Really?
SZR: No, not really! Move on!
Richards: Hey I was just trying to help Walker and Biohazard win something. They aren't winning War after all.
Narrator: Alex reaches back into the pile and Shaun starts to freak out noticing that Alex has pulled out a massive Rambo style gun!
SZR: DUDE YOU CAN NOT BRING THAT TO WAR! IT'S A FREAKING GUN! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?
Richards: It's not a real gun Zach. It's modified.
SZR: You modified an assault weapon? That's even worse!
Richards: It's what I'm going to use to eliminate Deuce Murdoch.
SZR: You're going to kill him in the middle of the ring? Umm.. Alex, you know we're family right. But I think..
Richards: It doesn't shoot bullets. Did you really think I was that crazy?
SZR: I guess not but damn you had me going for a second there.
Richards: Of course it doesn't. It merely shoots out LSD.
SZR: Yeah, because that's so much better.
Richards: I figure I get Deuce tripping out and it'll be easy to finish him off. That maybe Zombie and a few other wrestlers fight over who's getting the next dose and they will be easy game as well. I heard how filled with rage Deuce is already this week. Maybe some drugs will calm him down. It always works for me.
SZR: Um.. you have seen yourself right?
Richards: You have seen me without the pills and booze haven't you? Deuce probably thinks he's got some sort of an advantage because he's been in wars before. But this isn't a war, this is War. In a war you have to kill people. Not everyone can do that. But in War, you just have to pin or have them submit. So having actual war experience, not all that helpful really. It's like me claiming call of duty is gonna help me win war. Or that bootlegged version of Ice's WCF game I found on the internet.
SZR: I can't believe you found anything on the internet.
Richards: Well I was looking for.. never mind.
Narrator: Alex returns to his wagon, obviously wanting to change the subject. By the way I looked up what Alex was trying to find on the internet, it was how to knit a sweater. Busted. Alex comes back carrying a massive speaker that looks like it came from the 90s. And probably did.
Richards: I got this at a pawn shop and thought of you Kaz Mazy. You're in the entertainment business as well as the wrestling business. I still remember that classic radio bit where Howard Stern convinced a woman to masturbate to the vibrations from a speaker that sort of looked like this one. Now we can't relive that scene on pay per view. Not that we would want to. But I can eliminate you from War by bashing you with this giant speaker. And hey it'll give you something to talk about on your next show. Maybe you can even bring in that woman for an interview. Course she's probably pretty old by now. I'm just trying to give you a few ideas for what you can talk about on the next episode of Unfiltered. Because your original plan of talking about what's it's like to be number one contender for the world title. That so isn't happening.
SZR: He could interview former number one contenders like Colin Marshall or something. If he can find him.
Richards: I knew there was a reason I kept you around. Besides the fact you're my half brother, you hold the camera, and you keep me out of jail.
SZR: I also handle your money for you. Winning War and then becoming world champion would earn you more by the way.
Richards: Since when I have ever cared about money?
SZR: Fine. It's an excuse to throw two separate victory parties.
Richards: Now that motivates me! Let's see who's next..
Narrator: Alex returns to the wagon this time coming back with a small container of scalp wax.
SZR: What on earth use could that possibly have?
Richards: It's my secret weapon against Brent Alpine. I'm going to use the wax on my own skull and show Brent who truly is the Shine. He's going to be so demoralized he'll be easy prey.
SZR: If he were still the Vine would you have swung in on a vine like Tarzan?
Richards: Hey! Quit stealing my ideas!
Narrator: Alex looks annoyed for some reason but then.. wow.. he returns carefully carrying a weed whacker which is wrapped in razor wire with what appears to be broken glass glued to it. He sets the weapon down.
SZR: Who is that for?
Richards: That's the ultimate hardcore weapon. That's for the self proclaimed Epitome of Hardcore Gravedigger. He wants to call himself the icon of the hardcore division, I don't think so! Oh, I'm not claiming it. Maybe some day I will. I am pretty crazy, as you can tell I am creative with weapons and I don't particularly mind it if someone hurts me as long as I get to return the favor. But Gravedigger you are not the kind of hardcore. That honor belongs to my former tag team partner Oblivion. Since he isn't going to be here I have to take up his cause and prove you wrong. Unless he happens to make a surprise appearance and does it himself.
SZR: I dunno if that would be good for you. I heard a rumor he wanted a match against you.
Richards: I heard a rumor Bill Gates was playing the Terminator in a direct to video movie as well. That don't make it true. Just like Gravedigger saying he's the Epitome of Hardcore instead of the eight time hardcore champion. By the end I out hardcored Oblivion once to capture the hardcore championship. I can certainly out hardcore you in War. The fact that Gravedigger came back and immediately takes it for granted that he's going to win War is why I hate veterans like him. He comes in and gives away all his stuff so he can be hungry again. Zach, what do I do to motivate myself every single week?
SZR: Show up and fight?
Richards: Exactly! I don't need to have nothing to want to bring the fight to my opponents. I just do it naturally! You probably think I'm some sort of joke. That I don't have the desire you do Gravedigger. Let me tell you this, I lost 9 out of my first 13 matches in the WCF. Did I tuck tail and leave? Did I quit? No, I just fought harder! Gravedigger, you want people to think you're still a bad ass. I disagree. I saw how you handled your family business. You cut your brother out of your will basically because he's an alcoholic? Well for me, if you don't have a drinking problem that's the real problem. But if I did have a problem with someone drinking too much I wouldn't handle in such a weak way. I recently had a family problem. You want to know how Zach and I handled it. Well I'm not going to tell you if you don't have to do the research yourself.
SZR: Plus you shouldn't talk about illegal things on camera.
Richards: But the fact remains I handled my problem like a man of violent means should. You handled yours like a lawyer would. You think you're going to eliminate me from War. It's about time you learned what the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion is all about.
Narrator: Alex walks over back to his trailer, and looks around. I choke back some laughter as I see he is carrying a stuffed children's toy of a sheep.
SZR: Dare I ask what that is for?
Richards: Cormack MacNeil of course. I don't want him to think I forget about his haggis eating challenge. I figure he's going to be so busy laughing that he won't know it's loaded with a brick then boom.. match over.
SZR: I thought I saw you guys teaming up on Reb last week now you're going to level him with a brick?
Richards: Damn straight! Well probably not immediately. The Blue Lady, The Omega Man, The Scot and I all have common interests in getting rid of some of the so called establishment but we also all know only one of us can win. So yeah, I'm gonna fight Cormack at some point. He's gonna want to do the same thing. However the Scot and I are in agreement. We think the match should be a hair vs. Hair match. Whenever you're eliminated you shave your head. Who's in?
SZR: Probably no one since you have nothing to lose..
Richards: Cowards.
Narrator: Alex returns to the cart rooting around for a long time. Fortunately most of the time he spent looking for the object was edited out but he spent a lot time looking that's for sure. He finally returns carrying a stop sign with the words “Stop... War”
Richards: War... huh yeah.. what is it good for.. absolutely nothing. I figured this stop sign would be a fitting object to use against the holy flame. Most people would have chosen something religious but I don't think like most people. Joe, you can be anti war or pro war. You are pro Richards for People's champion so I can't say the guy is all bad. Steeltoe Joe wants to fight for change. I don't really disagree with that to be honest. I see the people on top and I don't think they deserve to be there either. But sorry Joe, you already had your chance to change things. You didn't do it then and so odds are you aren't going to do it now. I don't really have a personal issue with Joe though. Unless you destroy Ice's brewery.. that Whoop Ass beer is the best, then it's on my friend!
Narrator: Alex goes back once more and this time emerges with... absolutely nothing.
Richards: This one is for Johnny Fly. He gets nothing. By the way when I receive my gift basket, I'm throwing the hot fries out. Hot fries suck. I would send them back but that would be doing you a favor. I get it. You think you're better than everyone else here. You think you're going to win War again, that it's a forgone conclusion. You're a stone cold killer right? Actually I lied... I totally got you something.
Narrator: Alex comes back again carrying a gore horse's head.
SZR: That's disgusting.
Richards: Hey I'm not the butchers' shop that sold this. You think you can scare people with your mafia connections? I don't scare that easily Fly. So ahead and think you're easily going to win War. That's actually why the Blue Lady has been attacking you and your friends. Someone needs to knock you all of that pedestal you put yourselves on. If you're really the best Fly, why does Ice still hold that world title and why did Ice defeat your former friend Steve Orbit for that belt and is about to beat your current BBF Corey Black. Simple fact, you aren't as good as you think you are. You aren't the Godfather of the WCF and one of those Flyjobbers in War is going to make you eat your words. I hope it's me.
SZR: Isn't Bobby Cairo the godfather? Are you trying to pit them against each other? If so.. great plan.
Richards: I was talking about the movie. I would never do something devious like that...
Narrator: Alex winks or he had something in his eye. But nevertheless he continues speaking.
Richards: Now it didn't fit in the wagon.. but I bought it anyways. Gentleman..
Narrator: Three men come out wearing barbershop striped red jackets and striped red hats as well as red bow ties. They also carry barber pole striped canes. The trio hand Alex a jacket, tie, cane and hat. The four men stand beside each other and start to sing..
Quartet 1: Livewire...
Quartet 2: Livewire...
Quartet 3: Livewire...
Richards: LIVEWIRE!
Quartet 2 : Shouting is not singing. Calm it down.
All: Everyone think you are here for a War!
But even compared to Alex's singing your chances are Poor!
You earned a shot once, you won't earn a shot twice!
But let's face it you should let Alex face Ice!
Or anyone else.. you should stay away from Ice!
SZR: Wow, you guys are good.
Richards: Thanks.
Quartet 1: I don't think he was talking to you.
Quartet 2: If you didn't let us announce the Fair Feathered Gentlemen are available for bookings for the month of.. well pretty much any month we wouldn't have let you sing with the group.
Richards: But as for beating Grayson Pierce at War?
Quartet 3: We'll give you that. You're a scary dude.
Richards: That's all I wanted. Thank you gentleman.
SZR: You really shouldn't sing.
Richards: Hey it doesn't stop Pierce! Plus you know.. I got this sweet cane to use against him at War. If I'm being honest though, Grayson is a tough guy. And at least he isn't one of those vets with their heads so far up their own ass they can't tell if it's day or night. By the day true story, that's the rumored reason as to why Logan was scratched from the War match.
SZR: I think you made that up.
Richards: Logan once dressed as Sarah Twilight. If he stuck his own head up his butt is that any lower? I hope you do well and all Grayson but you ain't getting past me. And hey completed another one of my strange campaign challenges.
Narrator: Well there is that. By now we all know Alex is going for another weapon so let's skip the pretense shall we? Alex comes back carrying a bag of thumb tacks and a bottle of vinegar.
SZR: Ummm yikes.
Richards: This one is for you Corey Black. Yeah, I know you're too good to compete in War. You already got a tag team title match. You already got a world title shot. You're probably figuring you'll “let” Johnny Fly win right? That'll be your excuse right Black? The more I get to know you Black the less I respect you. You make me feel ashamed I used to want to be in Pantheon. Before I got to know you guys a bit I used to look up to you. I used to think Pantheon was THE group to be in in the WCF. I used to think you guys were cool. Now I know better, you weren't the cool guys, you were the pretentious douchebags wearing retro clothes looking down on everyone else while drinking imported wine. What's wrong with beer? Or Zim-Quila for that matter. That stuff is the shit.
SZR: Way to publize your brand.
Richards: I thought it was good too. I chose the most hardcore weapon possible to use against you Corey because I want you to suffer. I want you to feel pain. I want you to know that even though you have an upcoming title shot. Even though you took the tag titles away from me. Even though you lied and almost put the Blue Lady in jail. You aren't better than us! You aren't better than me. If you show up to War Corey I plan to make you suffer. Please.. show up to War.
Narrator: Alex takes a swig of the vinegar and then walks and quickly returns rolling a keg.
SZR: Why the hell did you drink vinegar?
Richards: It has several health benefits.
SZR: Like what? And did you hear it on Fox news?
Richards: For.. who wants to lock up with a guy with vinegar breathe?
SZR: I guess that makes sense. What's with the keg?
Richards: This one is for Randall Kash. I recently learned he's a fellow bar owner. Yep, unlike him I do some research because apparently he doesn't know who I am. That's alright though. I mean when you're out of wrestling, and retired, you clearly shouldn't research who you are facing right? I mean that's totally a recipe for success right? I don't know how Randall Kash hasn't been world champion already with his attitude. But that's alright, not everyone is War has to have a chance at winning right? And besides Randy owns a bar so I have a soft spot for him. That's why I decided that I was going to use a weapon every bar man loves against me. A keg! This one is empty of beer so I can sort of hurl it donkey kong style at him! That's fun right? Sorry Randy, that's as much fun as you are going to get to have in War.
SZR: Donkey kong style? Really?
Richards: What do you want from me Zach? There's only so much you can say about someone who hasn't done anything in the WCF. At least when Steve Orbit ignored me he has accomplished something in the past around here. But that's okay Randall, if you happen to last long enough in War to meet me you will certainly remember me. Speaking of which..
Narrator: Alex jogs off again and then returns with a large framed picture of himself.
Richards: Hey at least this is a better picture then the one on those poster in AA. Bryan “Buzz” Worthy this is for you. After I smash it over your head you probably won't forget about me again. What's with people not taking me seriously anyways? Bryan, not going to lie it kind of hurts. I certainly haven't forgotten about you. You're one of my few losses I will actually get the chance to avenge. And what type of competitor would I be if I didn't take advantage of that. I remember you pinning me during a tag team match in one of my first contests in the WCF. I want you to see first hand how much I have improved.
Narrator: Alex starts to walk off then stops.
Richards: And before I select my next weapon I just want to let you know that I'm wrestling this match under protest.
SZR: Why's that?
Richards: The Nerdsmashers aren't allowed in War? Why the hell is Louie, Ultimate Destroyer, and Gravedigger,Jr allowed in War and they aren't? They can't be any worse than those guys. Besides I watched revenge of the nerds to get psyched in order to smash them and now all my research has gone to waste. That makes me angry.
SZR: Do you think before you speak?
Richards: What do you think? Makes life more interesting that way. And speaking of interesting...
Narrator: Alex returns from his trip to the wagon carrying an oversized bone of some sort.
Richards: This one is for Hyena. Sorry man, you didn't get to win back Whoop Ass beer. You aren't going to win War either. But this bone is bad ass! When I hit you over the head with it I'll feel like a moondog! That's something I guess. Then you can take it to the back with you on chew on it. That'll make things better right?
Narrator: Alex walks to the back and then returns carrying a steel chair.
Richards: I know this is barely trying. But really Shawn Scholes, Jimmy Dean, Justin Cash, I don't see you guys really trying either. So this should get the job done right. Well provided I even have the chance to. I'm figuring the first person you run into will be the last anyways so why waste time.
Narrator: Alex walks away again, it looks almost like he is starting to wear a hole in the cement from pacing back and forth so much but he comes back waving the American flag.
SZR: You're going to use the flag as a weapon?
Richards: Perish the thought! I'm going to give this to Bobby Cairo! I mean his best days are far behind him. He retired as a tag team champion because he knew if he didn't one of those days Oblivion and I would team up and then his and Odin's days as champion were over. So if he retired before I ever showed up his legacy would be safe. Unfortunately for Bobby he decided to come back during War and so I'm going to have to take him out. Sorry Bobby. To be honest I can't really say anything too bad about Cairo. Anyone who killed Hitler is a good guy in my books. Damn, I wish I could have killed Hitler. Guess I'll have to try and win War instead.
Narrator: And Alex comes back again this time he looks furious carrying an assortment of Justin Beiber merchandise. He has cds, dvds, hats, towels, even a Justin Beiber cooler.
Richards: I wanted to be like Night Rider was back. Really I did. Without Night Rider I might never have gotten on track. He was the first man to start my winning streak. But I just can't. Because mere moments after I heard Night Rider was returning to the WCF to compete in War I heard some great news. There was going to be a Night Rider movie. Then I heard that Justin Beiber was going to play Kit. Seriously! Thanks to you returning to action the Night Rider movie is being made. Because of that Justin Beiber is ruining my child hood by starring as Kit. Sorry man, this is unforgivable. I'm going to have to hurt you bad with each and every piece of Beiber swag I can find. I stopped Beib-lieving you could win War. I beib-lieve I'm going to hurt you for forcing me to make that pun.
SZR: He didn't force you to make that pun.
Narrator: Shit! Alex drops me with a shot to the skull with a Justin Beiber frisbee.
Richards: Don't test me I'm getting ready for War.
SZR: Why don't you stop hitting me and bring us something for Greenfever or Switches.
Richards: I can't.
SZR: Why not?
Richards: He doesn't exist.
SZR: Huh?
Richards: He thinks he's God and I don't believe in God. Therefore I don't believe Greenfever exists.
SZR: You really don't believe in God?
Richards: A bunch of savages, maniacs, drug addicts, alcoholics, murderers, deviants every year get together and compete for a gold idol. If there was a God wouldn't lightning have stuck the ring by now and killed all the competitors? Plus you know.. you met my parents.
SZR: Fair enough.
Narrator: Alex returns from another trip carrying what appears to be a confederate flag but as Alex releases it it's revealed as a confederate colored chain.
SZR: Dude! You haven't decided to add racist to the list of insults people could level against you have you?
Richards: No, this is for Doc Henry and Johnny Reb. I mean this is a singles match right? But there's no reason Johnny shouldn't be shackled to the dead weight that is Doc Henry. Doc's the guy who tried for almost two months to get his 80th win and finally succeeded because of someone else earning a pin fall for him. That sort of sums up The New Confederacy. Johnny Reb trying to win, Doc Henry being pulled along for the ride. Hell when Doc was gone Johnny earned a win over Steve Orbit. People think I'm stupid but what's with the blind loyalty to Henry, Reb?
SZR: Hey I'm loyal to you and you always do stupid stuff.
Richards: That's because one we're family. And two, I make life more interesting for you.
SZR: You forgot one, and it's the reason why Johnny hangs out with Doc. You make me look sane.
Richards: Neither of them look sane. The whole time travel thing. Most people think that's nutty. They're wrong but still.
SZR: Johnny hangs out with Doc because it makes him look good. As long as he's with Doc he doesn't have to step up his game. He can be.. comfortable.
Richards: I think you're onto something Zach. I'm sure Johnny will turn in the better performance but in the end neither of them will win which is all that really counts.
Narrator: Alex stalks off again and this time returns with a Comadore 64 computer in hand. Well both hands it is a large outdated computer.
Richards: This one is for Zombie. I'll both hit him over with the head with it then present it to him in the locker room. I heard your rant earlier this week and I think it's time you stay off the internet and stop embarrassing yourself on twitter. You can still embarrass yourself in the ring though if you want to.
Narrator: Speaking of embarrassing gifts Alex returns carrying a very large dildo with two ends on it.
Richards: Jayson Price, this isn't actually for you. I mean I'm gonna smack you in the skull with it before pinning you in War if I can but when you're done with it can you take it to Johnny Fly and Corey Black. That's why I know their story about Chelsea was bull, they don't love anyone except each other. This should help spice up their relationship. Now I'll bet you'll be mad I'm getting you to play errand boy and you still be. You should be mad you haven't won in so long people who have been there less than a year are overlooking you. But if you lose for two straight months. And do so poorly Seth doesn't want you in War not because you're a threat but because he can't see you making him any money. Sorry them's the breaks.
Narrator: Alex returns to his wagon and this time returns with a jar full of bugs.
SZR: What use could that possibly have?
Richards: I'm going to use this jar full of termites to do Jeff Purse a favor. And get rid of that giant sack of preaching wood he's listening to for some reason. I might be a little crazy but while the bottle might inspire me I don't think the bottle is talking to me. Jeff, your puppet man? People used to laugh with you now they are just laughing at you. I can't believe it though, Father Terry he's actually a step down from being in Pantheon. Don't worry Jeff, I'm going to save you. You won't win War but at least you won't be playing with dolls anymore after War. I think it'll be more difficult when I used to melt those barbie dolls but these termites should get the job done.
Narrator: Alex walks back over to the lawn mower and collects another prize. I promise he's almost gone through everyone. This time he comes back carrying an award, A Razzie as it will.
Richards: I bought this off the internet just for John Gable. John isn't actually even a good enough actor to win one of these so getting smashed with one is probably as close to winning a real award as he's ever going to get. But John I only have a few words for you. Watch my match against the Blue Lady and then watch War, well after you've been eliminated. Maybe I'll show you how to win two important matches in one night.
Narrator: Alex turns to walk away then stops and shakes his head.
SZR: You aren't going back into the wagon again?
Richards: I think people get the point. I do have a few words for some choices individuals. You know sometimes words speak louder than props. Jay Omega, Chelsea Armstrong... if I win I'm inviting you guys to the victory party. If I lose, I'm inviting you to the at least we kicked Corey Black's ass party. If we don't do that.. I'm inviting you to the New People's champion party. Anyways, we need to party. And I'm gonna win. Blue Lady, you're the longest reigning champion in the WCF. You have great ideas. You're a natural leader. But all good things must come to an end. To make way for something stranger. Torture, I'm so sick of taking about veterans, especially veterans who return and don't do anything. I'm done seriously.
SZR: You're done?
Richards: No, I have one more person, Steve Orbit. Steve, I heard the very basic things you had to say about me. Sorry Steve, you didn't convince me you know what you're going to be up against when we fight. Yeah sure, you have my hardcore title. It took three goons jumping me to accomplish that but you got the belt. You didn't pin me but you got the belt. Be proud of that Steve. Be proud of the fact you haven't defended the title in two months. Or ever. Yeah I can tell you're a great hardcore champion. I'm sure you'll make just as great a winner of War. But there aren't any goons to keep me off of you this time. You have as much chance of winning War as you do of winning an Oscar.
SZR: He has a better chance of winning an Oscar than you do.
Richards: Hey, I was quite proud of my work in the independent horror movie, The Monster In The Attic.
SZR: Let me guess you were the monster in the attic?
Richards: No, I was the monster in the closet. I was the cousin of the monster in the attic. I came out in the end and ate the girl. That movie sounds bad right?
SZR: No, not at all. How could that possibly be bad?
Richards: Still better than Orbits.
SZR: Yikes.
Richards: You know what Zach. I'm sick of weapons and I'm sick of gimmicks. I'm sure everyone in this match is going to think Alex isn't taking things seriously. I'm not bringing them, I'm just going to bring myself. I might be joking around now but I take War seriously. I see and hear everyone thinking I'm stupid, thinking I'm fat and ugly, and thinking I have no chance. Then I eliminate you, I'll remember that, then I'll move on. When this match is over, I may not have won War, but I will have damn sure made everyone take notice of me. But maybe I can.. maybe I will. The biggest upset in WCF history... stranger things have happened. And no one is stranger than me.
Fade To Black.