Post by Jonny Fly on Sept 28, 2014 14:22:36 GMT -5
“Sterling Fly”
Featuring:
Jonny Fly as Sterling Fly
Corey Black as Malory “Black” Fly
Steve Orbit as Lana Korbit
Jeff Purse as Cyril Figgurse
Seth Lerch as Pam Perch
Jayson Price as Cheryl/Carol/Cherlene Prunt
Gravedigger as Dr. Graverieger
Tyler Walker as Woodwalker
In this animated short, Seth Lerch will play a fat chick addicted to heroin, food, and fight clubs. Corey Black will play Fly's overbearing mother and head of ISIS (not THAT one), the International Secret Intelligence Service. Price will play a secretary that is super rich and likes to be choked (and has a country music career). Orbit will play a black spy chick with big tits and equally big hands, and sidekick of Sterling Fly. Purse will play an accounting extraordinaire and loyal office worker who sometimes doubles as a secret agent himself. Gravedigger plays the ISIS scientist who spends most of his time developing technology to suit his sexual fantasies. Tyler Walker will play Fly’s ancient butler who he treats like shit, and also just happened to have raised him. Lastly, Fly himself plays the greatest spy in the world. He’s extremely egotistical, and sarcastic. His hobbies include woman, alcohol, fast cars, lacrosse, ocelots, and danger. So basically, he’s the same person as always.
Guest Starring:
Natural “ICE” Beckman as Len Beckman
Zombie McMorris as Zombie Jakov
Biohazard as Biohazardarry Dylan
Jay Omega as Spirodomega Skorpio
John Gable as Conway Stable
Bryan Worthy as George Spelworthy
Johnny Reb as Crebshaw
Brent Alpine as Brentoit (balls)
Chelsea Black Armstrong as Uta Armstrong
Steeltoe Joe as Mantoe Joe
Deuce Murdock as Tony Deuce-Drake
Kazy Mazy as Pirate King Kazy
and…
Torture as Lucas Troyture
1. COLD OPEN: EXT. STERLING FLY’S LUXURY NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT
A quick view of the outside of Sterling Fly’s New York City apartment building is shown.
2. INT. APARTMENT SCENE - - CONTINUOUS
Fly and Woodwalker stand in the closet of the master bedroom. A collection of black turtlenecks lines both sides of the closet. Fly and Woodwalker are shown standing in the middle looking around the closet.
FLY
I thought I told you to organize these by color?
WOODWALKER
but sir they all black
FLY
No, Woodwalker. There used to be black and slightly darker black ones. Now there are black, slightly darker black, and Wesley Snipes black. You see, the turtleneck is the perfect tactical garment. THE TACTLENECK. That’s why I had to buy more. Plus they were on sale. $900 apiece. What a steal, right? I charged it right to the ISIS master account.
Woodwalker groans as FLY changes into his tactleneck.
FLY
Now, before I leave to go spy on stuff, what are the two rules you need to remember about this house?
WOODWALKER
no dogs, no mother, and no stains on the rug
FLY
That’s three things.
WOODWALKER
well played, sir. im not very smart.
The doorbell rings. Woodwalker continues to arrange the turtlenecks by color.
FLY
Aren’t you going to get that?
WOODWALKER
yes sir, right away sir.
Woodwalker leaves the closet and heads out of the bedroom in the direction of the front door. Meanwhile, Fly finishes changing into his super spy attire. He’s now fully dressed in his tactical best, black tactleneck, black cargo pants, and black boots. Woodwalker walks back into the scene with Malory “Black” Fly with him.
FLY
What the shit, Woodwalker! What’s rule number two!?
WOODWALKER
was that the one about the rug? i promise I not spill on the rug.
MALORY “BLACK” FLY
Ignore him Woodwalker. I just came here to tell you that you’re needed at ISIS headquarters immediately. We have a situation that’s going to take everyone to solve.
While Malory is talking, Fly is starting at her blankly. He waits for her to finish before remarking.
FLY
Mother, why do you have a beard?
MALORY “BLACK” FLY
Why do you ask stupid questions? Now, I’ve already called Lana and Cyril. They’ll be joining you on a mission of the upmost importance. The briefing is in 20 minutes. DON’T BE LATE!
Malory turns around in a huff, and walks out of the closet. Fly looks over at Woodwalker.
FLY
I’m so mad at you right now. Look what you’ve done. Now I have go get briefed!
Fly walks away leaving Woodwalker alone. He sighs and goes back to arranging the closet.
3. EXT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS – ESTABLISHING – LATER
LANA
How come Fly gets to lead the mission? I’m the better secret agent!
4. INT. MALORY “BLACK” FLY’S OFFICE - - CONTINUOUS
Inside the office Malory sits behind her desk. In the chairs in front of the desk sit Sterling Fly and Lana Korbit. Cyril Figgurse is loitering behind them, while Pam Perch and Cheryl Prunt stand by the doorway. Malory was in the middle of going over the mission on her super-secret spy television hidden in the wall behind her desk when the argument started.
FLY
It’s weird that with those giant man hands, you can’t grasp the concept that I’m the world’s greatest spy.
LANA
Then how come I was awarded ‘World Champion Spy’ five months in a row earlier this year?
FLY
Because diversity, and stuff. Plus, I was World Champion Spy the five months before that! Now, mother, what is this super important mission that you want me to lead and not Lana?
MALORY
If you two are done bickering, I’ll have you know that our greatest fears have been realized.
CHERYL
Robotic choking machines have become extinct!?
PAM
Fight clubs have become extinct!?
FIGGURSE
Dr. Stella Montgomery is sucking my dick right now?
FLY
Oh, I had something for this. What was it….uhh…something something…Cyril putting his penis in Stella’s groove.
MALORY
Would you all shut up? Len Beckman and Zombie Jakov have joined forces. The KGB and ODIN have combined forces to create the…uh…KGODINB…no wait…KODINGB…oh for Christ sake, let’s just call it The Vapor Kings. They’ve joined forces to create The Vapor Kings. Worse yet, a bunch of our biggest adversaries have either come back from the dead or got out of prison.
Malory Archer grabs a piece of paper off of her desk and begins to read the list of names in this supped up terrorist group.
MALORY
The first problem, the cyborg, Biohazardarry Dylan is back. Lana and Sterling, you’ll be happy to know that Spirodon Skorpiomega has come back from the dead. Maybe you guys could have another threesome with him?
LANA
For the record, Sterling cried during that. Something about wooden spoons.
FLY
Everyone knows that’s a huge emotional trigger for me!
MALORY
ANYWAY, Conway Stable’s lovable chocolate deliciousness is back. Asian ninja master and computer hacker George Spelworthy is another who’s back in the game. You all remember the ISIS mole, Crebshaw? He’s defected. That guy from the Grand Prix, Brentoit…
FLY
Balls.
MALORY
…has joined their faction. Others include Uta Armstrong, Mantoe Joe, Tony Deuce-Drake, Pirate King Kazy, and last but not least Lucas Troyture.
FLY
Wait, who the hell is Mantoe Joe?
MALORY
That’s Uta’s boyfriend, the former German spy, remember – he put a microchip in your brain once?
FLY
Well that explains why I don’t remember.
LANA
That explains a lot of things.
MALORY
Now listen to me, this little tag-team duo of Len Beckman and Nikolai Jakov has to be defeated. Sterling, we have to retain our title as the best tag team duo of any agency in the world.
LANA
Why is it that I feel this weird connection to Beckman and Zombie? I feel like, maybe I should be on their team. I should be with them trying to fight off ISIS.
FLY
It’s probably because of you’re a slut. Always going back and forth to new agencies. Pick a side already! Also, you’re black, so we had to keep you on the ISIS side because nobody else is capable of playing my black female sidekick.
MALORY
If you two are done, I’ll have you know that the Vapor Kings don’t just intend to beat ISIS, one of them intends to win the entire War.
LANA
I’m guessing that would be me. I’m the one of the group who would probably be able to win War.
FLY
Wait, what’s War?
PAM
Oh, I created it. It’s been going on for about 13 years now. It’s a battle once a year between all of the various spies and spy groups, all fighting to win it for a chance to become World Champion Spy, or at least have a chance to become World Champion. It’s usually just whichever I feel is most appropriate at the time.
CHERYL
You won it last year, Mr. Fly. I don’t know how you don’t know what it is.
FLY
Is this a good time to admit I have a drinking problem?
MALORY
You did win it last year, and we need you to win it again this year. We all know that Cyril’s victory in 2012 was a fluke, and we can’t rely on him to repeat that.
CYRIL
HEY!
PAM
I think I’m going to try to sneak in this year! COME AT ME BROS!?
MALORY
The point is, we can’t let The Vapor Kings win. Alright team, commence operation Pantheon led by Sterling Fly wins War!
PAM
SPLOOSH!
LANA
Again, I just feel like I’m on the wrong side of this.
CYRIL
Me too, actually. I hate Fly. He’s a douche. Once upon a time he made me think that I killed a prostitute.
FLY
Hooker, Cyril. Have you learned nothing from me? When they’re dead they’re just called hookers.
MALORY
I don’t care what you all think of him. You want to play me hard?
FLY
Phrasing!
MALORY
Well you all better nut up, because I’m going to be in War too, and I don’t want to be thrust with any of your treason.
FLY
HEY! PHRAS – oh, you said treason? I thought you were going to say semen.
LANA
Fine. I’ll fight with ISIS to try to take down Zombie Jakov, Len Beckman, and those other jobbers.
FLY
Hey Lana….Lana….Lana….Lana…
LANA
WHAT!?
FLY
IT SOUNDS LIKE WE’RE GOING TO THE DANGER ZONE!
MALORY
You two go down to Dr. Graverieger’s lab and get outfitted for your mission. The rest of you, back to work!
5. INT. DR. GRAVERIEGER’S ISIS LAB - - MOMENTS LATER
Inside Graverieger’s lab see many stations set up. Graverieger himself seems to be performing a chemical experiment on the right side of the room on a few rats. Upon hearing the door into his lab open, he turns around to see Fly and Lana entering. He takes off his goggles and sets them on the table.
GRAVERIEGER
Oh, good timing. I just got creating my next batch of magic breath strips for Cheryl.
LANA
I don’t even want to know what that means.
FLY
He laces her breath strips with LSD so he can act out of all his creepy fantasies on her.
GRAVERIEGER
All aboard the S.S. Date Rape!
FLY
Mother sent me down here because you’re supposed to get us outfitted for our mission, in which I’m command and Lana isn’t. We’re going to go out and kill everyone who’s going to compete in War so that I’ll win.
GRAVERIEGER
Aww. I was going to enter with Piggly III. It was going to be my big comeback!
FLY
Come back from what, you’re debacle in World War II?
GRAVERIEGER
I’m not a clone of Hitler! The only thing we have in common is that I hate…homeless people.
LANA
I thought you were going to go a whole different direction there.
GRAVERIEGER
I also hate Sterling Fly. He’s old news. He’s lost it. He’s going downhill. In fact, this whole organization is going downhill. Pantheon sucks. I mean ISIS, yeah, ISIS sucks.
FLY
But, wasn’t it just like...WEDNESDAY…when you were saying I was one of the top contenders to win War, and the greatest thing ever, undisputed Hall of Famer, all that nice stuff? What’s with the flip-flop?
GRAVERIEGER
No, no, I didn’t mean that! I promise. I’m not contradicting myself at all. You’re slipping. That’s what I’m saying. You’re slipping, you suck, and Black Fly is hanging onto your coattails. EVERYONE IS SLIPPING! See, no contradiction! Right?
FLY
Have you been using your own LSD breath strips?
GRAVERIEGER
No comment. Also, yes.
FLY
Look, Graverieger, I have to go be super spy. What do you have for me?
GRAVERIEGER
Well first, what is the plan?
LANA
Infiltrate the ODIN palace. Intelligence suggest that several operatives are holed up there waiting for War, using the protection of The Vapor Kings to…
FLY
HE WAS ASKING ME, LANA. I’m in charge! Now, the plan is to infiltrate ODIN headquarters. We’ll go at night. Everyone will be wearing tactlenecks and night vision goggles and our only weapon will be the silent but deadly spear gun.
GRAVERIEGER
Let’s see, I have some sniper decoys that you can use. I’ve also created the world’s most advanced spy car.
FLY
No, mother sold that, remember?
GRAVERIEGER
Oh, right. I also have some body armor.
LANA
Does it actually work?
GRAVERIEGER
I tested it out on our intern, Chet. The results were…mixed.
FLY
We’ll take it!
GRAVERIEGER
Lastly, I have some pills that you can take that will give the pound-for-pound strength of an ant. That should come in handy.
FLY
That’s why you’re the best, Graverieger.
GRAVERIEGER
…also, yes.
6. EXT. ODIN HEADQUARTERS - - THE NEXT DAY
Sterling Fly and Lana Korbit are pressed against the ODIN headquarters in France. They’re near the front door of the large glass encased complex. It’s dark, but there are spotlights flashing around the buildings front courtyard, illuminating the scene. Agent Fly is dressed in his tactical best, plus his night vision goggles, while Lana is dressed in her standard white sweater dress thing.
FLY
I just don’t understand you, Lana. Every week you see me in this turtleneck destroying other spies, and yet, you won’t even listen to me when I try to give you advice about your attire. You might as well just put on a bright colored suit and feathered hat!
LANA
Maybe I don’t listen to you because I don’t want to be like you!
FLY
Well then, I guess I’ll just…pout.
LANA
Instead of pouting or trying to give me some of your bullshit advice, how about we you come up with a plan! There are ODIN agents on every floor inside, and Beckman is holed up in his office on the top floor.
Fly isn’t listening to Lana. Something in the courtyard has gained his attention.
FLY
ITS THE MOLE!
LANA
What, Crebshaw? Where?
FLY
No, Lana. A mole. It’s a furry little animal that digs in the ground, heard of it? Its right there on the ground. Keep it away from me, they carry diseases. I don’t think I can take any more sickness after that time I got breast cancer.
LANA
Oh my god. I can’t even talk to you right now.
FLY
Well good. We’re supposed to be covert.
Just then a spotlight flashes on Fly and Lana.
FLY
AHH! MY EYES!
Fly quickly tosses the goggles onto the ground. Within moments they’re surrounded by ODIN agents point weapons on them.
FLY
Way to go Lana!
LANA
I’m sorry. Your words made sense, but your sarcastic tone did not.
7. INT. LEN BECKMAN’S OFFICE - - TOP FLOOR OF ODIN HEADQUARTERS – CONTINUOUS
Len Beckman, leader of ODIN, sits behind his desk. Set up next to him is an identical desk in which Zombie Jakov sits. Tied to a chair in front of them are Fly and Lana.
LEN
Agents Fly and Korbit, here at ODIN headquarters. What can we do for you?
FLY
I uh…I was just lost. I was looking for my, uh, pet ocelot, Babou.
LEN
Then tell me, why was your mother just on the phone with me flaunting her body for your safe return?
JAKOV
Hey, hold one minute, comrade. She was flirting with me.
LEN
No, no, no, Major Jakov. Malory Fly and I have had a relationship for, oh, about…Sterling, how old are you?
FLY
Wait, why are you asking?
LEN
Let’s call it thirty-five years.
JAKOV
Well she and I have had a relationship for thirty-six years!
FLY
If you two want us to leave while you have this little lover’s quarrel, feel free to untie us. Or, better yet, I have a proposition for you. First person to untie me – guy or gal…or honey badger – I will let him or her or it give me a handy. Come on guys, what do you say?
LEN
Enough! I know you’re here to sabotage our chances to win War. Lana, this is most disappointing from you. I thought we were friends.
LANA
I uh, I don’t even know right now.
Without his captors knowing, Fly has used his super spy skills to free one of his hands. He covertly reaches into his pocket and grabs hold of the trigger to initiate the sniper decoys. Almost immediately, the phone on Beckman’s desk rings. He immediately picks it up.
LEN
WHAT!?
JAKOV
What’s the matter?
LEN
SNIPERS!? Take them out!
The sound of bullets being exchanged outside begin.
JAKOV
Oh no! Hit the deck!
Zombie Javok and Len Beckman immediately hides under his desk. Immediately we hear bullets being fired outside. With the distraction, Fly is able to free his other hand and untie himself. He unties Lana as well, and the two escape the office.
JAKOV
They’re getting away!
Fly and Lana run down the hallway. They eventually take cover inside a small empty closet.
LANA
Wait's that hard thing that's poking me. I can hardly move in...hold on, do you REALLY have an erection right now?
FLY
What? Danger gets me excited. What we should be talking about is my perfect situational awareness that just got us out of being killed, or probably raped senselessly in your case.
LANA
They wouldn’t have raped me. They’d have probably let me join they’re group.
FLY
What is with all of this traitor talk? Do you really want to join an agency led by some trash-mongering Russian and some other dude who is in love with my mother?
LANA
Well…when you put it like that. I’d rather avoid being anywhere near someone who’s been inside your mother.
FLY
Look, everyone in this building is trying to find us right now. So we need to blend.
LANA
How do you propose we do that?
FLY
First thing you need to do is put on a tactleneck. I brought you an extra.
Fly pulls out a turtleneck from…somewhere. He hands it over to Lana.
LANA
Fine, as long as you shut up about it already.
Lana takes off her sweater dress thing and switches into a slightly darker black turtleneck.
LANA
Now what am I going to wear for pants?
FLY
Pants? Come on, every fight we ever get into you’re wearing bra and panties. At least you have the power of the tactleneck this time. Now come on, we have to go find some weapons.
Fly opens the closet door and peeks out into the hallway. Seeing nothing, he and Lana leave the closet and begin making their way down the hallway. They hear a couple of voices and immediately duck into another room. They wait by the doorway, one on the left, and one on the right. The voices get closer, and closer, and eventually a man and woman walk into the room. They’re carrying submachine guns, and the woman, Uta, has a fake baby strapped to her stomach.
MANTOE JOE
Ach! You are too immature!
UTA
That’s because I have daddy issues.
MANTOE JOE
You need Jesus.
UTA
No, what I need is for you to give me a baby.
With Mantoe Joe and Uta now safely inside of the room, Fly and Lana strike. Lana knocks the weapon out of Uta’s hand and then karate kicks her through the building’s glass façade. Fly does the same, surprising Mantoe Joe from behind (PHRASING!), taking his weapon, and disposing of him through the window. Fly and Lana walk forward and look down at the fallen bodies of Uta Armstrong and Mantoe Joe.
FLY
I can’t believe we killed a baby.
LANA
I don’t even know why we killed them. It’s not like they were going to win War anyway.
FLY
I don’t understand.
LANA
Your mother sent us here to make sure these people don’t win War, and to drive apart the alliance between Beckman and Zombie. She wants you to be the one that wins War. Those two weren’t going to be able to beat the ‘great Sterling Fly,’ so we probably didn’t need to kill them. What part of that don’t you understand?
FLY
Well obviously core concept, Lana. I mean, one of them had blue hair for Christ sake. They had to be killed. Plus, now we have guns.
Fly and Lana pick up the fallen weapons from the floor. Once again, Fly peaks out into the hallway.
FLY
Alright, clear.
Lana takes that as a cue for her to go. She immediately moves into the hallway…and gets shot at. She dives back into the room.
LANA
WHAT THE HELL FLY!?
FLY
What?
LANA
You told me it was clear. I almost got shot.
FLY
No I didn’t! I was talking to myself, trying to clear my mind! It’s a trained combat practice that allows me to relax and retain my poise in the wake of danger.
LANA
Oh, shut up!
Fly quickly looks into the hallway to see Pirate King about ten yards away and holding an AK-47. He ducks back into the room.
FLY
Lana, what are you scared about? It’s just a little pirate. Come on, let’s go talk to him.
LANA
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Not listening, Fly holds up his hands and walks out into the hallway. Lana does not follow behind him, and retains cover inside the empty room.
FLY
Hello there. Sterling Fly, world’s greatest secret agent. And you are?
PIRATE KAZY
I am Pirate King Kazy! I turn you in for the BIG BIG MONEEEY!
FLY
Or, new plan, you take me to your island and we share in all the booty. Huh? How does that sound?
From out of nowhere, Pirate King Kazy is shot in the head. As his body slumps to the ground, it reveals the image of his murderer standing behind him.
FLY
BALLS!
BRENTOIT
The name is Brentoit…
FLY
Balls.
BRENTOIT
Why do you call me that!?
FLY
Oh, your name reminds me of that sex toy, Ben Wa Balls.
BRENTOIT
No matter. I too am here for the money. You see, Sterling Fly, there is a rather large bounty that’s been put on your head, and I intend to collect – especially since the last time I tried to get money from you I ended up crashing into a helicopter.
FLY
You should have watched where you were going, Brentoit…Balls. Anyways, I guess it doesn’t matter because…LANA!
On cue, Lana steps out from the room and fires her submachine gun, hitting Brentoit (balls) multiple times. Lana and Fly walk forward and look at the body of their dead French friend.
FLY
Did that guy not deserve to die either?
LANA
Oh no, that guy definitely deserved to die.
FLY
Good. Now come on, we have to make our way back to Beckman and Jakov’s office. It’s going to be dangerous, so feel free to hold on to me if you get scared.
LANA
You have to be kidding me.
FLY
No, I’m serious. I’m here for you Lana. Whatever you need. I feel like we’ve grown a lot closer on this mission. I just want…
LANA
FLY!
FLY
WHAT!?
LANA
Shut up and look behind you.
Paying attention now, Fly turns around and looks at the opposite end of the hallway to see George Spelworthy and his two hired hot female ninjas.
FLY
Damn, they’re as hot as I remember.
LANA
They also want to kill you.
FLY
I think I can talk our way out of this one.
LANA
Oh, just like you did with the pirate guy?
FLY
Exactly. Now, follow my lead.
Fly and Lana take a few steps in the direction of Spelworthy.
FLY
It’s good to see you again Spelworthy.
Just then, the hot ninja twins take out two throwing stars and launch them at Fly. One clips his arm.
FLY
OW! GOD DAMMIT! ABORT THE PLAN!
Lana begins firing at the Spelworthy’s sexy ninja twins. She hits one, and then takes a throwing star from another. The second ninja pulls out her sword and runs at Lana, but Fly tackles her just as she’s about to strike. They roll until coming to a stop, with Fly on top of the ninja.
FLY
You’re warming up to me, aren’t you?
The ninja responds by slicing through the sleeve of Fly’s turtleneck.
FLY
OH NOW YOU’VE DONE IT! RAMPAGE MODE!
Fly tosses the ninja off of him. She quickly gets back to her feet. With her blade pointed at Fly, she runs. He sidesteps her and gives her a shove forward sending her headfirst into the wall. He looks down at her briefly and then sends a bullet into her tit. He immediately looks up at Spelworthy, who’s about to run away. Fly shots at him, clipping him in the leg. As Spelworthy rolls around on the ground in pain, Fly and Lana walk toward him.
LANA
Should we put him out of his misery?
FLY
Yes.
With that, Fly fires one single bullet into the chest of Spelworthy.
LANA
Come on, before anyone else comes.
Lana and Fly walk briskly down the hallway. They make their way all the way back to Beckman and Zombie’s office, and kick the door in. They enter the office, to find…not the people they were looking for. At one desk sits Tony Deuce-Drake and at the other desk sits Conway Stable – who just happens to be eating shrimp.
FLY
Well, well, well, this looks like a two-for-one special.
CONWAY
Sterling Fly. It’s good to see you again. Hey, by the way, this shrimp tastes a lot like you’re mother.
FLY
HEY!
LANA
Ouch.
Fly turns to Deuce-Drake.
FLY
And what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in space or something?
DEUCE-DRAKE
Actually, I can’t build my survival colony on Mars until I get the specs back on my spaceship from this guy named Woodwalker. He says he’s a space werewolf or something. Also, I still need to find some woman to join the colony for breeding purposes. Speaking of which, it’s a delight to see you again Lana.
LANA
NOOOPE. I’m still not interested.
DEUCE-DRAKE
Such a shame. Though I suppose in a few minutes it won’t matter.
FLY
What are you talking about?
Tony Deuce-Drake pulls out his phone and holds it up in the air.
DEUCE-DRAKE
Beckman and Zombie know you’re in here. They planted us here to keep watch and report if you can back. As we’ve been speaking they’ve regrouped their forces and are coming here to finish the job.
FLY
OH GOD DAMMIT!
DEUCE-DRAKE
There is a way out of this, Fly. Join us. The four of us could get out of here together. Lana turns herself into an involuntary laborer for the purposes of breeding, and you become one of the leaders of my colony. How does that sound?
FLY
What’s in it for him?
Fly says the previous while pointing to Conway Stable.
DEUCE-DRAKE
He just wants another go at your mom. Black jews aren’t allowed in my colony.
Upon hearing that, Conway Stable gets up from his desk and walks over to Fly. He pats him on the back. There’s some secret bro code language going down shortly, before Conway pulls out his gun and fires a single shot into the head of Tony Deuce-Drake.
LANA
What the hell?
FLY
He’s on our side Lana. We just had a moment. He’s going to help us defeat the rest of the spies and win War.
LANA
No, no, no! You can’t trust him! Don’t you remember last time when your mother hired him and he stole the Whisper Drive?
FLY
I…uh…no?
LANA
Oh come on! He literally stabbed you in the back. While he was trying to get away in a helicopter I ripped his arm off!
FLY
But…he has two arms.
Fact check visual please…yep, he has two arms.
LANA
Yeah. Hey, how do you have two arms?
CONWAY
Dr. Graverieger gave me a robotic arm. How don’t YOU remember that? I mean come on, Season 4 was mostly forgettable, but still…
FLY
Holy shit, so you’re a cyborg? Who isn’t a cyborg anymore!
From the doorway, a very familiar sight appears.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
well, thanks to someone in this room, not me.
FLY
Biohazardary!
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
sterling Fly and lana korbit. why you be here? you come to throw me off a balcony again?
FLY
Don’t be shitty, Biohazardary. I apologized for that, plus you did ruin my suit that time so I think we’re probably even.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
Apologize to my robotic legs.
LANA
Wait, I thought you were a full cyborg at this point?
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN (talking to himself)
Are you going to kill Agents Fly and Korbit and win War for yourself? Yes you are, other Biohazardary. Yes you are. (no longer talking to himself now) Alright, who’s first?
FLY
First for what?
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
This!
Cyborg Biohazardary Dylan strikes with a punch to Fly’s midsection, sending him flying backward into the wall.
LANA
You know what, I’m going to go ahead and sit this one out and see what happens. You two play nice.
Dylan walks over and picks up Fly. He lifts him over his head and then brings him down over his knee with a super cyborg backbreaker.
FLY
Uh, anyone want to help here? Anyone at all? Cyborg killing me.
LANA
NOOOPE. Though I will tell Dr. Graverieger that his 'strength like an ant' pills don't work against cyborgs for you.
Biohazardary Dylan picks Fly back up off the ground and sets him upright against the wall.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
OOZE TO FLY!
Just as Biohazardary Dylan is about to send his ooze to Fly, Conway Stable grabs him from behind, opens the hatch in the back of his head and pulls out all the circuits. Biohazardary Dylan crumbles the ground, dead.
FLY
Oh good, I killed him!
CONWAY
I think you mean I killed him.
FLY
Whatever Conway, same team! Now, what’s the plan?
CONWAY
Well, we need to get to the armory. It’s one floor down, but it’s being protected by a Greek terrorist with a weird love of chocolate. Are you two ready?
FLY
I mean, obviously.
LANA
I really thought this whole Fly being beaten senselessly by a cyborg thing was going to work out much better for me.
CONWAY
So…
FLY
She’s in. Let’s go.
Fly, Lana, and Conway head back into the hallway. They look both ways before heading toward a staircase down the hall to the left. At the stairwell, the three head down one flight, and enter another hallway. There’s a sign down the hall that says ‘Armory,’ and the three head toward it, making sure to watch their back. Fly is the first to enter the armory.
FLY
Oh, god dammit!
In the middle of the armory sits Spirdomega Skorpio eating a bowl of chocolate pudding. He’s wearing tight, short, white shorts and a white short-sleeve button down shirt that isn’t button, allowing his massive amount of chest hair to be visible. Oh, and the entire armory is covered in chocolate.
SKORPIO
Chocolate fountain guy! You are in even better shape than when we last met!
At this point Lana and Conway Stable also enter the armory.
SKORPIO
Oh! Agent Korbit! Are you hear for another round?
LANA
I uh…I don’t even know what to say.
SKORPIO
You don’t need to say anything. I’ve already shaved my balls. Let’s do this!
FLY
Uh, actually, we’re here to take all these guns so that we can go kill Len Beckman, Zombie Jakov, and anyone else who’s going to try to get in our…er…my way of winning War.
LANA
For the record, and I hate to keep reiterating this, but I’m just here because they needed someone to play the black chick. I’m really on your side, or at least, the not Sterling Fly side. Conway’s only here because later on we need him for a scene where he kills Zombie Jakov because he’s anti-sematic toward Jews.
FLY
WHAT THE SHIT LANA! Look, Skorpio, give us the weapons and we’ll leave you alone.
SKORPIO
I tell you what, I’ll give you these weapons in return for others. ISIS took a large cache of redeye missiles from my yacht the last time we met. I want them back. In return, I’ll give you these weapons and you can continue your crusade.
Fly thinks about the offer. He huddles with Lana and Conway. They decide to make the call to ISIS. Fly dials his mother on his watch, which just happens to have a video screen. We see Malory “Black” Fly answer the call.
MALORY
Sterling, is that you? What’s going – oh my, is that Conway?
FLY
NO! That's, uh, someone else entirely.
MALORY
Hey Conway, you going to suck my clit or what?
PAM (in the background)
SPLOOSH!
CONWAY
Ok, uh, awkward.
FLY
Look, mother, we need to release the redeye missiles to this Skorpio freak so that he’ll give us the weapons we need to defeat Beckman and Zombie.
MALORY
We can’t do that.
FLY
Mother, my life is in danger. Save me.
MALORY
Oh, put a cork in it. Now look, if you’re going to win War you need to do it on your own. Cyril, Pam, and Cheryl…
CHERYL (in the background)
It’s Carol!
MALORY
…and I are busy in a meeting. We’re discussing how we’re going to smother that bitch Trudy Beekman. Now, I have to go.
The video screen goes blank.
FLY
Well that’s just classic her! More worried about her own problems than mine! So, uh, Skorpio, we need to talk.
SKORPIO
Talking is over. It is time for action! Get him!
From behind Fly, Lana, and Conway comes Crebshaw. He grabs Lana by the neck and puts his gun to her head, taking her hostage.
FLY
Lana, watch out, there’s a mole!
LANA
I can see that Fly. You know, because he has a gun to my head.
FLY
NO! Not the mole, a mole! Right there on the ground! Do you see it?
Visual check. Yep, there’s a mole running around on the floor in the ODIN armory.
FLY
He must be attracted to the chocolate. Hey, funny story, you know how at ISIS we say ‘that’s how you get ants?’ Well over here the saying must be ‘that’s how you get moles!’ Isn’t that funny? – Guys? Hello? ANYONE!?
LANA
Someone shoot him already.
Spirodomega Skorpio stands up and points his gun at Fly.
SKORPIO
Gladly.
Just as Skorpio is about to shoot, Lana sends an elbow into the side of Crebshaw. The force causes him to shoot his weapon, hitting Skorpio in the stomach. He falls to the ground, chocolate pouring out the bullet hole.
CREBSHAW
Damn you!
Three shots ring out, each taking home in the chest of Crebshaw. Conway Stern stands with smoke coming out of the barrel of his pistol.
CONWAY
Was it just me, or did something about that guy scream ‘confederacy?’ He probably hated black people. That’s why I killed him.
FLY
Good work, Conway. Let’s load up and move out. We still need to find Beckman and Zombie.
Fly, Lana, and Conway begin sifting through the armory for new weapons.
FLY
Oh shit, look!
Fly holds up his spear gun.
FLY
They took this from me when we were captured. I love this thing. It’s the perfect tactical weapon in a situation like this. It’s perfectly silent…
CONWAY
…and bulky, takes forever to reload, and even if didn’t, you don’t have extra spears for it.
FLY
Listen here Conway, I’m the world’s greatest spy and I’ll tell you what is and isn’t the perfect spy weapon. You’re not even wearing a turtleneck! Now come on guys, let’s get out of here before anyone else comes.
Fly takes his trusty spear gun and leads the trio out of the armory. Outside in the hallway there’s a window that looks out over the front courtyard. Fly sees Beckman and Jakov in the courtyard holding a familiar foe captive.
FLY
NO! ANYONE BUT HIM!
Lana steps forward to look out the window.
LANA
Who is it?
That question is about to be answered. From the courtyard, we hear Len Beckman on a megaphone.
LEN
Sterling Fly. My son. This has gotten out of hand. I want to talk about it. Please come down to the courtyard. We have your friend, Lucas Troyture, and we’re not afraid to kill him.
LANA
Wait, why did he just call you son? – and how is Lucas Troyture still alive?
FLY
I don’t know!
LANA
You’re not actually going to consider going down there?
FLY
We have to, Lana. It’s my destiny. I can finish this once and for all. I can win War, right now. Operation Pantheon will succeed. It ALWAYS succeeds. Come on guys.
Fly leads the way back toward the staircase. The three descend the stairs to the ground floor. They walk back into another hallway, before making a right turn and exiting through a door into the courtyard. Zombie and Beckman are about twenty yards a way into the grass. They have Lucas Troyture on his knees in front of them, hands tied behind his back. Fly, Lana, and Conway approach.
FLY
Lucas! I can’t believe that you’re alive! Again!
CONWAY
Who is this guy?
FLY
That’s my best friend. Well, used to be. I don't hold on to friends very well. We trained together for ISIS. But then he defected to ODIN, faked his death, and stole a bunch of money to open a bed and breakfast in Vermont.
LUCAS
I still love you Sterling Fly. I always will. Don’t let them kill me. We’re meant to be together. In a bed and breakfast. In Vermont.
LANA
I say we shoot all three of them. WAIT – no I don’t, just shoot Troyture. Everyone hates that guy except for you Fly. Zombie and Beckman are cool. I swear.
FLY
Wait, she’s on to something. Why have you been so shitty to me lately, Troyture? You hurt me. I mean, I thought we were cool. You, me, Black Fly, we were buds. Then you just go and ruin all of it.
BECKMAN
Enough of this. The problem here is you, Fly.
FLY
How do you figure?
ZOMBIE
Every agent was here to stop Sterling Archer. They’re tired of your sarcastic, arrogant, and hurtful words. They want to see you dead! That’s why The Vapor Kings have formed, to finally put an end to you.
LANA
What’s he talking about?
FLY
Oh, I sent a message to all the secret agents basically telling them to go fuck themselves, that I’m better than them, and that I’m going to win War. It inspired a lot of reaction. That’s how you know you’re doing it right. I think I even had you in there, in fact, I think I talked about you the most.
LANA
So this whole thing is your fault!? THIS ENTIRE OPERATION IS BECAUSE YOU WENT OFF BEING A DOUCHEBAG AGAIN!?
FLY
I mean…maybe?
ZOMBIE
It really hurt my feelings. I was so hot and bothered that I had the guy who speaks for me, you know, because I’m a dumb illiterate Russian, type up a shoot specifically to you. I think that’s how I’ll win War. Just focusing on one person out of 30. Right?
FLY
I uh…no, no, I don’t think that’s going to work. I mean, you don’t have to believe me, but I’m as the defending War winner and undisputed greatest secret agent in the world, I think I know what I’m talking about. You’re pretty bad at this whole thing.
ZOMBIE
Well I don’t care. My blood was boiling so I had my father Buddy Roman Jakov say mean stuff about you and send it via email to everyone! HA!
FLY
Uh…right. That reminds me, Conway, do you know what he said about Jews?
Fly pulls out a tape recorder and plays it.
ZOMBIE
“It's true and you know it's true, right down to that greasy, Jew heart of yours. I say heart because us Jews have no soul.”
Upon hearing that, Conway Stern says nothing. He just quietly takes out his gun and shoots Zombie Jakov in the head. One shot, one kill.
CONWAY
Now he doesn’t have a soul either.
LEN
HEY! That was my friend!
Beckman pulls his gun up from the head of Lucas Troyture, and shots at Conway Stable, hitting him in the chest and sending him to the ground.
LEN
The Stable is dead!
FLY
What stable? Vapor Kings, after War?
LEN
I’m not even in War!
FLY
Oh, well what the shit! I guess you can live then. Plus, you killed Conway who I'm pretty sure was going to turn on us eventually anyway. I have bigger problems than you. Go take a walk.
LEN
But…I live here.
FLY
DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU? Because I will! I'm capable of killing you Beckman! Don't you ever forget that!
LEN
Fine. I’ll just…go. Maybe I’ll take Rabbert Klein to the lettuce store? Anyway, tell your mother to give me a call. I want to follow up on the date we have next week.
With that, Len Beckman walks back toward the front door to the ODIN headquarters, disappearing. That leaves Fly and Lana alone with Lucas Troyture. Fly walks around behind him…
LUCAS
Like old times?
FLY
We don’t talk about that!
…and unbounds his hands. Troyture gets back to his feet.
FLY
I have a simple question for you, Troyture. Are you with us, or against us?
LUCAS
What do you mean?
FLY
War is right around the corner. You know that. You’ve always wanted to be best spy. That’s why you get so angry when you hear Black Fly talking about being king of spies…I mean, queen. That’s why you have a problem with me calling myself the most dominant spy in the history of spying. Admit it.
LUCAS
The only thing I’ll admit to you is my love.
FLY
I don’t want to, but I will shoot you!
LUCAS
Go ahead. Try it.
Fly holds up his spear gun. He points it at Troyture’s chest.
FLY
I…I…I………can’t.
BANG! Lana shoots Lucas Troyture in the head.
FLY
NO! MY FRIEND! HE’S GONE FOREVER! Probably. I thought he was dead to begin with.
LANA
I never liked that guy. You might not remember this, but we worked on a couple missions earlier in the year and he really left me out to dry. He had this coming. Nobody needs Lucas Troyture. He’s old news. Just some hanger-on trying to stay relevant. He deserves to die.
FLY
But…but…wait a second!
Fly looks around, excited.
FLY
There’s nobody left! Does this mean I win War!?
LANA
Well, you still have me to deal with. Also, I’m pretty sure Cyril is going to be around. Gravereiger. Cheryl. Basically everyone in ISIS is a threat. Also, Bobby Cairo.
FLY
AW SHIT!
Boom. The Sterling Fly theme plays and we roll to credits.
Featuring:
Jonny Fly as Sterling Fly
Corey Black as Malory “Black” Fly
Steve Orbit as Lana Korbit
Jeff Purse as Cyril Figgurse
Seth Lerch as Pam Perch
Jayson Price as Cheryl/Carol/Cherlene Prunt
Gravedigger as Dr. Graverieger
Tyler Walker as Woodwalker
In this animated short, Seth Lerch will play a fat chick addicted to heroin, food, and fight clubs. Corey Black will play Fly's overbearing mother and head of ISIS (not THAT one), the International Secret Intelligence Service. Price will play a secretary that is super rich and likes to be choked (and has a country music career). Orbit will play a black spy chick with big tits and equally big hands, and sidekick of Sterling Fly. Purse will play an accounting extraordinaire and loyal office worker who sometimes doubles as a secret agent himself. Gravedigger plays the ISIS scientist who spends most of his time developing technology to suit his sexual fantasies. Tyler Walker will play Fly’s ancient butler who he treats like shit, and also just happened to have raised him. Lastly, Fly himself plays the greatest spy in the world. He’s extremely egotistical, and sarcastic. His hobbies include woman, alcohol, fast cars, lacrosse, ocelots, and danger. So basically, he’s the same person as always.
Guest Starring:
Natural “ICE” Beckman as Len Beckman
Zombie McMorris as Zombie Jakov
Biohazard as Biohazardarry Dylan
Jay Omega as Spirodomega Skorpio
John Gable as Conway Stable
Bryan Worthy as George Spelworthy
Johnny Reb as Crebshaw
Brent Alpine as Brentoit (balls)
Chelsea Black Armstrong as Uta Armstrong
Steeltoe Joe as Mantoe Joe
Deuce Murdock as Tony Deuce-Drake
Kazy Mazy as Pirate King Kazy
and…
Torture as Lucas Troyture
1. COLD OPEN: EXT. STERLING FLY’S LUXURY NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT
A quick view of the outside of Sterling Fly’s New York City apartment building is shown.
2. INT. APARTMENT SCENE - - CONTINUOUS
Fly and Woodwalker stand in the closet of the master bedroom. A collection of black turtlenecks lines both sides of the closet. Fly and Woodwalker are shown standing in the middle looking around the closet.
FLY
I thought I told you to organize these by color?
WOODWALKER
but sir they all black
FLY
No, Woodwalker. There used to be black and slightly darker black ones. Now there are black, slightly darker black, and Wesley Snipes black. You see, the turtleneck is the perfect tactical garment. THE TACTLENECK. That’s why I had to buy more. Plus they were on sale. $900 apiece. What a steal, right? I charged it right to the ISIS master account.
Woodwalker groans as FLY changes into his tactleneck.
FLY
Now, before I leave to go spy on stuff, what are the two rules you need to remember about this house?
WOODWALKER
no dogs, no mother, and no stains on the rug
FLY
That’s three things.
WOODWALKER
well played, sir. im not very smart.
The doorbell rings. Woodwalker continues to arrange the turtlenecks by color.
FLY
Aren’t you going to get that?
WOODWALKER
yes sir, right away sir.
Woodwalker leaves the closet and heads out of the bedroom in the direction of the front door. Meanwhile, Fly finishes changing into his super spy attire. He’s now fully dressed in his tactical best, black tactleneck, black cargo pants, and black boots. Woodwalker walks back into the scene with Malory “Black” Fly with him.
FLY
What the shit, Woodwalker! What’s rule number two!?
WOODWALKER
was that the one about the rug? i promise I not spill on the rug.
MALORY “BLACK” FLY
Ignore him Woodwalker. I just came here to tell you that you’re needed at ISIS headquarters immediately. We have a situation that’s going to take everyone to solve.
While Malory is talking, Fly is starting at her blankly. He waits for her to finish before remarking.
FLY
Mother, why do you have a beard?
MALORY “BLACK” FLY
Why do you ask stupid questions? Now, I’ve already called Lana and Cyril. They’ll be joining you on a mission of the upmost importance. The briefing is in 20 minutes. DON’T BE LATE!
Malory turns around in a huff, and walks out of the closet. Fly looks over at Woodwalker.
FLY
I’m so mad at you right now. Look what you’ve done. Now I have go get briefed!
Fly walks away leaving Woodwalker alone. He sighs and goes back to arranging the closet.
3. EXT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS – ESTABLISHING – LATER
LANA
How come Fly gets to lead the mission? I’m the better secret agent!
4. INT. MALORY “BLACK” FLY’S OFFICE - - CONTINUOUS
Inside the office Malory sits behind her desk. In the chairs in front of the desk sit Sterling Fly and Lana Korbit. Cyril Figgurse is loitering behind them, while Pam Perch and Cheryl Prunt stand by the doorway. Malory was in the middle of going over the mission on her super-secret spy television hidden in the wall behind her desk when the argument started.
FLY
It’s weird that with those giant man hands, you can’t grasp the concept that I’m the world’s greatest spy.
LANA
Then how come I was awarded ‘World Champion Spy’ five months in a row earlier this year?
FLY
Because diversity, and stuff. Plus, I was World Champion Spy the five months before that! Now, mother, what is this super important mission that you want me to lead and not Lana?
MALORY
If you two are done bickering, I’ll have you know that our greatest fears have been realized.
CHERYL
Robotic choking machines have become extinct!?
PAM
Fight clubs have become extinct!?
FIGGURSE
Dr. Stella Montgomery is sucking my dick right now?
FLY
Oh, I had something for this. What was it….uhh…something something…Cyril putting his penis in Stella’s groove.
MALORY
Would you all shut up? Len Beckman and Zombie Jakov have joined forces. The KGB and ODIN have combined forces to create the…uh…KGODINB…no wait…KODINGB…oh for Christ sake, let’s just call it The Vapor Kings. They’ve joined forces to create The Vapor Kings. Worse yet, a bunch of our biggest adversaries have either come back from the dead or got out of prison.
Malory Archer grabs a piece of paper off of her desk and begins to read the list of names in this supped up terrorist group.
MALORY
The first problem, the cyborg, Biohazardarry Dylan is back. Lana and Sterling, you’ll be happy to know that Spirodon Skorpiomega has come back from the dead. Maybe you guys could have another threesome with him?
LANA
For the record, Sterling cried during that. Something about wooden spoons.
FLY
Everyone knows that’s a huge emotional trigger for me!
MALORY
ANYWAY, Conway Stable’s lovable chocolate deliciousness is back. Asian ninja master and computer hacker George Spelworthy is another who’s back in the game. You all remember the ISIS mole, Crebshaw? He’s defected. That guy from the Grand Prix, Brentoit…
FLY
Balls.
MALORY
…has joined their faction. Others include Uta Armstrong, Mantoe Joe, Tony Deuce-Drake, Pirate King Kazy, and last but not least Lucas Troyture.
FLY
Wait, who the hell is Mantoe Joe?
MALORY
That’s Uta’s boyfriend, the former German spy, remember – he put a microchip in your brain once?
FLY
Well that explains why I don’t remember.
LANA
That explains a lot of things.
MALORY
Now listen to me, this little tag-team duo of Len Beckman and Nikolai Jakov has to be defeated. Sterling, we have to retain our title as the best tag team duo of any agency in the world.
LANA
Why is it that I feel this weird connection to Beckman and Zombie? I feel like, maybe I should be on their team. I should be with them trying to fight off ISIS.
FLY
It’s probably because of you’re a slut. Always going back and forth to new agencies. Pick a side already! Also, you’re black, so we had to keep you on the ISIS side because nobody else is capable of playing my black female sidekick.
MALORY
If you two are done, I’ll have you know that the Vapor Kings don’t just intend to beat ISIS, one of them intends to win the entire War.
LANA
I’m guessing that would be me. I’m the one of the group who would probably be able to win War.
FLY
Wait, what’s War?
PAM
Oh, I created it. It’s been going on for about 13 years now. It’s a battle once a year between all of the various spies and spy groups, all fighting to win it for a chance to become World Champion Spy, or at least have a chance to become World Champion. It’s usually just whichever I feel is most appropriate at the time.
CHERYL
You won it last year, Mr. Fly. I don’t know how you don’t know what it is.
FLY
Is this a good time to admit I have a drinking problem?
MALORY
You did win it last year, and we need you to win it again this year. We all know that Cyril’s victory in 2012 was a fluke, and we can’t rely on him to repeat that.
CYRIL
HEY!
PAM
I think I’m going to try to sneak in this year! COME AT ME BROS!?
MALORY
The point is, we can’t let The Vapor Kings win. Alright team, commence operation Pantheon led by Sterling Fly wins War!
PAM
SPLOOSH!
LANA
Again, I just feel like I’m on the wrong side of this.
CYRIL
Me too, actually. I hate Fly. He’s a douche. Once upon a time he made me think that I killed a prostitute.
FLY
Hooker, Cyril. Have you learned nothing from me? When they’re dead they’re just called hookers.
MALORY
I don’t care what you all think of him. You want to play me hard?
FLY
Phrasing!
MALORY
Well you all better nut up, because I’m going to be in War too, and I don’t want to be thrust with any of your treason.
FLY
HEY! PHRAS – oh, you said treason? I thought you were going to say semen.
LANA
Fine. I’ll fight with ISIS to try to take down Zombie Jakov, Len Beckman, and those other jobbers.
FLY
Hey Lana….Lana….Lana….Lana…
LANA
WHAT!?
FLY
IT SOUNDS LIKE WE’RE GOING TO THE DANGER ZONE!
MALORY
You two go down to Dr. Graverieger’s lab and get outfitted for your mission. The rest of you, back to work!
5. INT. DR. GRAVERIEGER’S ISIS LAB - - MOMENTS LATER
Inside Graverieger’s lab see many stations set up. Graverieger himself seems to be performing a chemical experiment on the right side of the room on a few rats. Upon hearing the door into his lab open, he turns around to see Fly and Lana entering. He takes off his goggles and sets them on the table.
GRAVERIEGER
Oh, good timing. I just got creating my next batch of magic breath strips for Cheryl.
LANA
I don’t even want to know what that means.
FLY
He laces her breath strips with LSD so he can act out of all his creepy fantasies on her.
GRAVERIEGER
All aboard the S.S. Date Rape!
FLY
Mother sent me down here because you’re supposed to get us outfitted for our mission, in which I’m command and Lana isn’t. We’re going to go out and kill everyone who’s going to compete in War so that I’ll win.
GRAVERIEGER
Aww. I was going to enter with Piggly III. It was going to be my big comeback!
FLY
Come back from what, you’re debacle in World War II?
GRAVERIEGER
I’m not a clone of Hitler! The only thing we have in common is that I hate…homeless people.
LANA
I thought you were going to go a whole different direction there.
GRAVERIEGER
I also hate Sterling Fly. He’s old news. He’s lost it. He’s going downhill. In fact, this whole organization is going downhill. Pantheon sucks. I mean ISIS, yeah, ISIS sucks.
FLY
But, wasn’t it just like...WEDNESDAY…when you were saying I was one of the top contenders to win War, and the greatest thing ever, undisputed Hall of Famer, all that nice stuff? What’s with the flip-flop?
GRAVERIEGER
No, no, I didn’t mean that! I promise. I’m not contradicting myself at all. You’re slipping. That’s what I’m saying. You’re slipping, you suck, and Black Fly is hanging onto your coattails. EVERYONE IS SLIPPING! See, no contradiction! Right?
FLY
Have you been using your own LSD breath strips?
GRAVERIEGER
No comment. Also, yes.
FLY
Look, Graverieger, I have to go be super spy. What do you have for me?
GRAVERIEGER
Well first, what is the plan?
LANA
Infiltrate the ODIN palace. Intelligence suggest that several operatives are holed up there waiting for War, using the protection of The Vapor Kings to…
FLY
HE WAS ASKING ME, LANA. I’m in charge! Now, the plan is to infiltrate ODIN headquarters. We’ll go at night. Everyone will be wearing tactlenecks and night vision goggles and our only weapon will be the silent but deadly spear gun.
GRAVERIEGER
Let’s see, I have some sniper decoys that you can use. I’ve also created the world’s most advanced spy car.
FLY
No, mother sold that, remember?
GRAVERIEGER
Oh, right. I also have some body armor.
LANA
Does it actually work?
GRAVERIEGER
I tested it out on our intern, Chet. The results were…mixed.
FLY
We’ll take it!
GRAVERIEGER
Lastly, I have some pills that you can take that will give the pound-for-pound strength of an ant. That should come in handy.
FLY
That’s why you’re the best, Graverieger.
GRAVERIEGER
…also, yes.
6. EXT. ODIN HEADQUARTERS - - THE NEXT DAY
Sterling Fly and Lana Korbit are pressed against the ODIN headquarters in France. They’re near the front door of the large glass encased complex. It’s dark, but there are spotlights flashing around the buildings front courtyard, illuminating the scene. Agent Fly is dressed in his tactical best, plus his night vision goggles, while Lana is dressed in her standard white sweater dress thing.
FLY
I just don’t understand you, Lana. Every week you see me in this turtleneck destroying other spies, and yet, you won’t even listen to me when I try to give you advice about your attire. You might as well just put on a bright colored suit and feathered hat!
LANA
Maybe I don’t listen to you because I don’t want to be like you!
FLY
Well then, I guess I’ll just…pout.
LANA
Instead of pouting or trying to give me some of your bullshit advice, how about we you come up with a plan! There are ODIN agents on every floor inside, and Beckman is holed up in his office on the top floor.
Fly isn’t listening to Lana. Something in the courtyard has gained his attention.
FLY
ITS THE MOLE!
LANA
What, Crebshaw? Where?
FLY
No, Lana. A mole. It’s a furry little animal that digs in the ground, heard of it? Its right there on the ground. Keep it away from me, they carry diseases. I don’t think I can take any more sickness after that time I got breast cancer.
LANA
Oh my god. I can’t even talk to you right now.
FLY
Well good. We’re supposed to be covert.
Just then a spotlight flashes on Fly and Lana.
FLY
AHH! MY EYES!
Fly quickly tosses the goggles onto the ground. Within moments they’re surrounded by ODIN agents point weapons on them.
FLY
Way to go Lana!
LANA
I’m sorry. Your words made sense, but your sarcastic tone did not.
7. INT. LEN BECKMAN’S OFFICE - - TOP FLOOR OF ODIN HEADQUARTERS – CONTINUOUS
Len Beckman, leader of ODIN, sits behind his desk. Set up next to him is an identical desk in which Zombie Jakov sits. Tied to a chair in front of them are Fly and Lana.
LEN
Agents Fly and Korbit, here at ODIN headquarters. What can we do for you?
FLY
I uh…I was just lost. I was looking for my, uh, pet ocelot, Babou.
LEN
Then tell me, why was your mother just on the phone with me flaunting her body for your safe return?
JAKOV
Hey, hold one minute, comrade. She was flirting with me.
LEN
No, no, no, Major Jakov. Malory Fly and I have had a relationship for, oh, about…Sterling, how old are you?
FLY
Wait, why are you asking?
LEN
Let’s call it thirty-five years.
JAKOV
Well she and I have had a relationship for thirty-six years!
FLY
If you two want us to leave while you have this little lover’s quarrel, feel free to untie us. Or, better yet, I have a proposition for you. First person to untie me – guy or gal…or honey badger – I will let him or her or it give me a handy. Come on guys, what do you say?
LEN
Enough! I know you’re here to sabotage our chances to win War. Lana, this is most disappointing from you. I thought we were friends.
LANA
I uh, I don’t even know right now.
Without his captors knowing, Fly has used his super spy skills to free one of his hands. He covertly reaches into his pocket and grabs hold of the trigger to initiate the sniper decoys. Almost immediately, the phone on Beckman’s desk rings. He immediately picks it up.
LEN
WHAT!?
JAKOV
What’s the matter?
LEN
SNIPERS!? Take them out!
The sound of bullets being exchanged outside begin.
JAKOV
Oh no! Hit the deck!
Zombie Javok and Len Beckman immediately hides under his desk. Immediately we hear bullets being fired outside. With the distraction, Fly is able to free his other hand and untie himself. He unties Lana as well, and the two escape the office.
JAKOV
They’re getting away!
Fly and Lana run down the hallway. They eventually take cover inside a small empty closet.
LANA
Wait's that hard thing that's poking me. I can hardly move in...hold on, do you REALLY have an erection right now?
FLY
What? Danger gets me excited. What we should be talking about is my perfect situational awareness that just got us out of being killed, or probably raped senselessly in your case.
LANA
They wouldn’t have raped me. They’d have probably let me join they’re group.
FLY
What is with all of this traitor talk? Do you really want to join an agency led by some trash-mongering Russian and some other dude who is in love with my mother?
LANA
Well…when you put it like that. I’d rather avoid being anywhere near someone who’s been inside your mother.
FLY
Look, everyone in this building is trying to find us right now. So we need to blend.
LANA
How do you propose we do that?
FLY
First thing you need to do is put on a tactleneck. I brought you an extra.
Fly pulls out a turtleneck from…somewhere. He hands it over to Lana.
LANA
Fine, as long as you shut up about it already.
Lana takes off her sweater dress thing and switches into a slightly darker black turtleneck.
LANA
Now what am I going to wear for pants?
FLY
Pants? Come on, every fight we ever get into you’re wearing bra and panties. At least you have the power of the tactleneck this time. Now come on, we have to go find some weapons.
Fly opens the closet door and peeks out into the hallway. Seeing nothing, he and Lana leave the closet and begin making their way down the hallway. They hear a couple of voices and immediately duck into another room. They wait by the doorway, one on the left, and one on the right. The voices get closer, and closer, and eventually a man and woman walk into the room. They’re carrying submachine guns, and the woman, Uta, has a fake baby strapped to her stomach.
MANTOE JOE
Ach! You are too immature!
UTA
That’s because I have daddy issues.
MANTOE JOE
You need Jesus.
UTA
No, what I need is for you to give me a baby.
With Mantoe Joe and Uta now safely inside of the room, Fly and Lana strike. Lana knocks the weapon out of Uta’s hand and then karate kicks her through the building’s glass façade. Fly does the same, surprising Mantoe Joe from behind (PHRASING!), taking his weapon, and disposing of him through the window. Fly and Lana walk forward and look down at the fallen bodies of Uta Armstrong and Mantoe Joe.
FLY
I can’t believe we killed a baby.
LANA
I don’t even know why we killed them. It’s not like they were going to win War anyway.
FLY
I don’t understand.
LANA
Your mother sent us here to make sure these people don’t win War, and to drive apart the alliance between Beckman and Zombie. She wants you to be the one that wins War. Those two weren’t going to be able to beat the ‘great Sterling Fly,’ so we probably didn’t need to kill them. What part of that don’t you understand?
FLY
Well obviously core concept, Lana. I mean, one of them had blue hair for Christ sake. They had to be killed. Plus, now we have guns.
Fly and Lana pick up the fallen weapons from the floor. Once again, Fly peaks out into the hallway.
FLY
Alright, clear.
Lana takes that as a cue for her to go. She immediately moves into the hallway…and gets shot at. She dives back into the room.
LANA
WHAT THE HELL FLY!?
FLY
What?
LANA
You told me it was clear. I almost got shot.
FLY
No I didn’t! I was talking to myself, trying to clear my mind! It’s a trained combat practice that allows me to relax and retain my poise in the wake of danger.
LANA
Oh, shut up!
Fly quickly looks into the hallway to see Pirate King about ten yards away and holding an AK-47. He ducks back into the room.
FLY
Lana, what are you scared about? It’s just a little pirate. Come on, let’s go talk to him.
LANA
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Not listening, Fly holds up his hands and walks out into the hallway. Lana does not follow behind him, and retains cover inside the empty room.
FLY
Hello there. Sterling Fly, world’s greatest secret agent. And you are?
PIRATE KAZY
I am Pirate King Kazy! I turn you in for the BIG BIG MONEEEY!
FLY
Or, new plan, you take me to your island and we share in all the booty. Huh? How does that sound?
From out of nowhere, Pirate King Kazy is shot in the head. As his body slumps to the ground, it reveals the image of his murderer standing behind him.
FLY
BALLS!
BRENTOIT
The name is Brentoit…
FLY
Balls.
BRENTOIT
Why do you call me that!?
FLY
Oh, your name reminds me of that sex toy, Ben Wa Balls.
BRENTOIT
No matter. I too am here for the money. You see, Sterling Fly, there is a rather large bounty that’s been put on your head, and I intend to collect – especially since the last time I tried to get money from you I ended up crashing into a helicopter.
FLY
You should have watched where you were going, Brentoit…Balls. Anyways, I guess it doesn’t matter because…LANA!
On cue, Lana steps out from the room and fires her submachine gun, hitting Brentoit (balls) multiple times. Lana and Fly walk forward and look at the body of their dead French friend.
FLY
Did that guy not deserve to die either?
LANA
Oh no, that guy definitely deserved to die.
FLY
Good. Now come on, we have to make our way back to Beckman and Jakov’s office. It’s going to be dangerous, so feel free to hold on to me if you get scared.
LANA
You have to be kidding me.
FLY
No, I’m serious. I’m here for you Lana. Whatever you need. I feel like we’ve grown a lot closer on this mission. I just want…
LANA
FLY!
FLY
WHAT!?
LANA
Shut up and look behind you.
Paying attention now, Fly turns around and looks at the opposite end of the hallway to see George Spelworthy and his two hired hot female ninjas.
FLY
Damn, they’re as hot as I remember.
LANA
They also want to kill you.
FLY
I think I can talk our way out of this one.
LANA
Oh, just like you did with the pirate guy?
FLY
Exactly. Now, follow my lead.
Fly and Lana take a few steps in the direction of Spelworthy.
FLY
It’s good to see you again Spelworthy.
Just then, the hot ninja twins take out two throwing stars and launch them at Fly. One clips his arm.
FLY
OW! GOD DAMMIT! ABORT THE PLAN!
Lana begins firing at the Spelworthy’s sexy ninja twins. She hits one, and then takes a throwing star from another. The second ninja pulls out her sword and runs at Lana, but Fly tackles her just as she’s about to strike. They roll until coming to a stop, with Fly on top of the ninja.
FLY
You’re warming up to me, aren’t you?
The ninja responds by slicing through the sleeve of Fly’s turtleneck.
FLY
OH NOW YOU’VE DONE IT! RAMPAGE MODE!
Fly tosses the ninja off of him. She quickly gets back to her feet. With her blade pointed at Fly, she runs. He sidesteps her and gives her a shove forward sending her headfirst into the wall. He looks down at her briefly and then sends a bullet into her tit. He immediately looks up at Spelworthy, who’s about to run away. Fly shots at him, clipping him in the leg. As Spelworthy rolls around on the ground in pain, Fly and Lana walk toward him.
LANA
Should we put him out of his misery?
FLY
Yes.
With that, Fly fires one single bullet into the chest of Spelworthy.
LANA
Come on, before anyone else comes.
Lana and Fly walk briskly down the hallway. They make their way all the way back to Beckman and Zombie’s office, and kick the door in. They enter the office, to find…not the people they were looking for. At one desk sits Tony Deuce-Drake and at the other desk sits Conway Stable – who just happens to be eating shrimp.
FLY
Well, well, well, this looks like a two-for-one special.
CONWAY
Sterling Fly. It’s good to see you again. Hey, by the way, this shrimp tastes a lot like you’re mother.
FLY
HEY!
LANA
Ouch.
Fly turns to Deuce-Drake.
FLY
And what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in space or something?
DEUCE-DRAKE
Actually, I can’t build my survival colony on Mars until I get the specs back on my spaceship from this guy named Woodwalker. He says he’s a space werewolf or something. Also, I still need to find some woman to join the colony for breeding purposes. Speaking of which, it’s a delight to see you again Lana.
LANA
NOOOPE. I’m still not interested.
DEUCE-DRAKE
Such a shame. Though I suppose in a few minutes it won’t matter.
FLY
What are you talking about?
Tony Deuce-Drake pulls out his phone and holds it up in the air.
DEUCE-DRAKE
Beckman and Zombie know you’re in here. They planted us here to keep watch and report if you can back. As we’ve been speaking they’ve regrouped their forces and are coming here to finish the job.
FLY
OH GOD DAMMIT!
DEUCE-DRAKE
There is a way out of this, Fly. Join us. The four of us could get out of here together. Lana turns herself into an involuntary laborer for the purposes of breeding, and you become one of the leaders of my colony. How does that sound?
FLY
What’s in it for him?
Fly says the previous while pointing to Conway Stable.
DEUCE-DRAKE
He just wants another go at your mom. Black jews aren’t allowed in my colony.
Upon hearing that, Conway Stable gets up from his desk and walks over to Fly. He pats him on the back. There’s some secret bro code language going down shortly, before Conway pulls out his gun and fires a single shot into the head of Tony Deuce-Drake.
LANA
What the hell?
FLY
He’s on our side Lana. We just had a moment. He’s going to help us defeat the rest of the spies and win War.
LANA
No, no, no! You can’t trust him! Don’t you remember last time when your mother hired him and he stole the Whisper Drive?
FLY
I…uh…no?
LANA
Oh come on! He literally stabbed you in the back. While he was trying to get away in a helicopter I ripped his arm off!
FLY
But…he has two arms.
Fact check visual please…yep, he has two arms.
LANA
Yeah. Hey, how do you have two arms?
CONWAY
Dr. Graverieger gave me a robotic arm. How don’t YOU remember that? I mean come on, Season 4 was mostly forgettable, but still…
FLY
Holy shit, so you’re a cyborg? Who isn’t a cyborg anymore!
From the doorway, a very familiar sight appears.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
well, thanks to someone in this room, not me.
FLY
Biohazardary!
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
sterling Fly and lana korbit. why you be here? you come to throw me off a balcony again?
FLY
Don’t be shitty, Biohazardary. I apologized for that, plus you did ruin my suit that time so I think we’re probably even.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
Apologize to my robotic legs.
LANA
Wait, I thought you were a full cyborg at this point?
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN (talking to himself)
Are you going to kill Agents Fly and Korbit and win War for yourself? Yes you are, other Biohazardary. Yes you are. (no longer talking to himself now) Alright, who’s first?
FLY
First for what?
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
This!
Cyborg Biohazardary Dylan strikes with a punch to Fly’s midsection, sending him flying backward into the wall.
LANA
You know what, I’m going to go ahead and sit this one out and see what happens. You two play nice.
Dylan walks over and picks up Fly. He lifts him over his head and then brings him down over his knee with a super cyborg backbreaker.
FLY
Uh, anyone want to help here? Anyone at all? Cyborg killing me.
LANA
NOOOPE. Though I will tell Dr. Graverieger that his 'strength like an ant' pills don't work against cyborgs for you.
Biohazardary Dylan picks Fly back up off the ground and sets him upright against the wall.
BIOHAZARDARY DYLAN
OOZE TO FLY!
Just as Biohazardary Dylan is about to send his ooze to Fly, Conway Stable grabs him from behind, opens the hatch in the back of his head and pulls out all the circuits. Biohazardary Dylan crumbles the ground, dead.
FLY
Oh good, I killed him!
CONWAY
I think you mean I killed him.
FLY
Whatever Conway, same team! Now, what’s the plan?
CONWAY
Well, we need to get to the armory. It’s one floor down, but it’s being protected by a Greek terrorist with a weird love of chocolate. Are you two ready?
FLY
I mean, obviously.
LANA
I really thought this whole Fly being beaten senselessly by a cyborg thing was going to work out much better for me.
CONWAY
So…
FLY
She’s in. Let’s go.
Fly, Lana, and Conway head back into the hallway. They look both ways before heading toward a staircase down the hall to the left. At the stairwell, the three head down one flight, and enter another hallway. There’s a sign down the hall that says ‘Armory,’ and the three head toward it, making sure to watch their back. Fly is the first to enter the armory.
FLY
Oh, god dammit!
In the middle of the armory sits Spirdomega Skorpio eating a bowl of chocolate pudding. He’s wearing tight, short, white shorts and a white short-sleeve button down shirt that isn’t button, allowing his massive amount of chest hair to be visible. Oh, and the entire armory is covered in chocolate.
SKORPIO
Chocolate fountain guy! You are in even better shape than when we last met!
At this point Lana and Conway Stable also enter the armory.
SKORPIO
Oh! Agent Korbit! Are you hear for another round?
LANA
I uh…I don’t even know what to say.
SKORPIO
You don’t need to say anything. I’ve already shaved my balls. Let’s do this!
FLY
Uh, actually, we’re here to take all these guns so that we can go kill Len Beckman, Zombie Jakov, and anyone else who’s going to try to get in our…er…my way of winning War.
LANA
For the record, and I hate to keep reiterating this, but I’m just here because they needed someone to play the black chick. I’m really on your side, or at least, the not Sterling Fly side. Conway’s only here because later on we need him for a scene where he kills Zombie Jakov because he’s anti-sematic toward Jews.
FLY
WHAT THE SHIT LANA! Look, Skorpio, give us the weapons and we’ll leave you alone.
SKORPIO
I tell you what, I’ll give you these weapons in return for others. ISIS took a large cache of redeye missiles from my yacht the last time we met. I want them back. In return, I’ll give you these weapons and you can continue your crusade.
Fly thinks about the offer. He huddles with Lana and Conway. They decide to make the call to ISIS. Fly dials his mother on his watch, which just happens to have a video screen. We see Malory “Black” Fly answer the call.
MALORY
Sterling, is that you? What’s going – oh my, is that Conway?
FLY
NO! That's, uh, someone else entirely.
MALORY
Hey Conway, you going to suck my clit or what?
PAM (in the background)
SPLOOSH!
CONWAY
Ok, uh, awkward.
FLY
Look, mother, we need to release the redeye missiles to this Skorpio freak so that he’ll give us the weapons we need to defeat Beckman and Zombie.
MALORY
We can’t do that.
FLY
Mother, my life is in danger. Save me.
MALORY
Oh, put a cork in it. Now look, if you’re going to win War you need to do it on your own. Cyril, Pam, and Cheryl…
CHERYL (in the background)
It’s Carol!
MALORY
…and I are busy in a meeting. We’re discussing how we’re going to smother that bitch Trudy Beekman. Now, I have to go.
The video screen goes blank.
FLY
Well that’s just classic her! More worried about her own problems than mine! So, uh, Skorpio, we need to talk.
SKORPIO
Talking is over. It is time for action! Get him!
From behind Fly, Lana, and Conway comes Crebshaw. He grabs Lana by the neck and puts his gun to her head, taking her hostage.
FLY
Lana, watch out, there’s a mole!
LANA
I can see that Fly. You know, because he has a gun to my head.
FLY
NO! Not the mole, a mole! Right there on the ground! Do you see it?
Visual check. Yep, there’s a mole running around on the floor in the ODIN armory.
FLY
He must be attracted to the chocolate. Hey, funny story, you know how at ISIS we say ‘that’s how you get ants?’ Well over here the saying must be ‘that’s how you get moles!’ Isn’t that funny? – Guys? Hello? ANYONE!?
LANA
Someone shoot him already.
Spirodomega Skorpio stands up and points his gun at Fly.
SKORPIO
Gladly.
Just as Skorpio is about to shoot, Lana sends an elbow into the side of Crebshaw. The force causes him to shoot his weapon, hitting Skorpio in the stomach. He falls to the ground, chocolate pouring out the bullet hole.
CREBSHAW
Damn you!
Three shots ring out, each taking home in the chest of Crebshaw. Conway Stern stands with smoke coming out of the barrel of his pistol.
CONWAY
Was it just me, or did something about that guy scream ‘confederacy?’ He probably hated black people. That’s why I killed him.
FLY
Good work, Conway. Let’s load up and move out. We still need to find Beckman and Zombie.
Fly, Lana, and Conway begin sifting through the armory for new weapons.
FLY
Oh shit, look!
Fly holds up his spear gun.
FLY
They took this from me when we were captured. I love this thing. It’s the perfect tactical weapon in a situation like this. It’s perfectly silent…
CONWAY
…and bulky, takes forever to reload, and even if didn’t, you don’t have extra spears for it.
FLY
Listen here Conway, I’m the world’s greatest spy and I’ll tell you what is and isn’t the perfect spy weapon. You’re not even wearing a turtleneck! Now come on guys, let’s get out of here before anyone else comes.
Fly takes his trusty spear gun and leads the trio out of the armory. Outside in the hallway there’s a window that looks out over the front courtyard. Fly sees Beckman and Jakov in the courtyard holding a familiar foe captive.
FLY
NO! ANYONE BUT HIM!
Lana steps forward to look out the window.
LANA
Who is it?
That question is about to be answered. From the courtyard, we hear Len Beckman on a megaphone.
LEN
Sterling Fly. My son. This has gotten out of hand. I want to talk about it. Please come down to the courtyard. We have your friend, Lucas Troyture, and we’re not afraid to kill him.
LANA
Wait, why did he just call you son? – and how is Lucas Troyture still alive?
FLY
I don’t know!
LANA
You’re not actually going to consider going down there?
FLY
We have to, Lana. It’s my destiny. I can finish this once and for all. I can win War, right now. Operation Pantheon will succeed. It ALWAYS succeeds. Come on guys.
Fly leads the way back toward the staircase. The three descend the stairs to the ground floor. They walk back into another hallway, before making a right turn and exiting through a door into the courtyard. Zombie and Beckman are about twenty yards a way into the grass. They have Lucas Troyture on his knees in front of them, hands tied behind his back. Fly, Lana, and Conway approach.
FLY
Lucas! I can’t believe that you’re alive! Again!
CONWAY
Who is this guy?
FLY
That’s my best friend. Well, used to be. I don't hold on to friends very well. We trained together for ISIS. But then he defected to ODIN, faked his death, and stole a bunch of money to open a bed and breakfast in Vermont.
LUCAS
I still love you Sterling Fly. I always will. Don’t let them kill me. We’re meant to be together. In a bed and breakfast. In Vermont.
LANA
I say we shoot all three of them. WAIT – no I don’t, just shoot Troyture. Everyone hates that guy except for you Fly. Zombie and Beckman are cool. I swear.
FLY
Wait, she’s on to something. Why have you been so shitty to me lately, Troyture? You hurt me. I mean, I thought we were cool. You, me, Black Fly, we were buds. Then you just go and ruin all of it.
BECKMAN
Enough of this. The problem here is you, Fly.
FLY
How do you figure?
ZOMBIE
Every agent was here to stop Sterling Archer. They’re tired of your sarcastic, arrogant, and hurtful words. They want to see you dead! That’s why The Vapor Kings have formed, to finally put an end to you.
LANA
What’s he talking about?
FLY
Oh, I sent a message to all the secret agents basically telling them to go fuck themselves, that I’m better than them, and that I’m going to win War. It inspired a lot of reaction. That’s how you know you’re doing it right. I think I even had you in there, in fact, I think I talked about you the most.
LANA
So this whole thing is your fault!? THIS ENTIRE OPERATION IS BECAUSE YOU WENT OFF BEING A DOUCHEBAG AGAIN!?
FLY
I mean…maybe?
ZOMBIE
It really hurt my feelings. I was so hot and bothered that I had the guy who speaks for me, you know, because I’m a dumb illiterate Russian, type up a shoot specifically to you. I think that’s how I’ll win War. Just focusing on one person out of 30. Right?
FLY
I uh…no, no, I don’t think that’s going to work. I mean, you don’t have to believe me, but I’m as the defending War winner and undisputed greatest secret agent in the world, I think I know what I’m talking about. You’re pretty bad at this whole thing.
ZOMBIE
Well I don’t care. My blood was boiling so I had my father Buddy Roman Jakov say mean stuff about you and send it via email to everyone! HA!
FLY
Uh…right. That reminds me, Conway, do you know what he said about Jews?
Fly pulls out a tape recorder and plays it.
ZOMBIE
“It's true and you know it's true, right down to that greasy, Jew heart of yours. I say heart because us Jews have no soul.”
Upon hearing that, Conway Stern says nothing. He just quietly takes out his gun and shoots Zombie Jakov in the head. One shot, one kill.
CONWAY
Now he doesn’t have a soul either.
LEN
HEY! That was my friend!
Beckman pulls his gun up from the head of Lucas Troyture, and shots at Conway Stable, hitting him in the chest and sending him to the ground.
LEN
The Stable is dead!
FLY
What stable? Vapor Kings, after War?
LEN
I’m not even in War!
FLY
Oh, well what the shit! I guess you can live then. Plus, you killed Conway who I'm pretty sure was going to turn on us eventually anyway. I have bigger problems than you. Go take a walk.
LEN
But…I live here.
FLY
DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU? Because I will! I'm capable of killing you Beckman! Don't you ever forget that!
LEN
Fine. I’ll just…go. Maybe I’ll take Rabbert Klein to the lettuce store? Anyway, tell your mother to give me a call. I want to follow up on the date we have next week.
With that, Len Beckman walks back toward the front door to the ODIN headquarters, disappearing. That leaves Fly and Lana alone with Lucas Troyture. Fly walks around behind him…
LUCAS
Like old times?
FLY
We don’t talk about that!
…and unbounds his hands. Troyture gets back to his feet.
FLY
I have a simple question for you, Troyture. Are you with us, or against us?
LUCAS
What do you mean?
FLY
War is right around the corner. You know that. You’ve always wanted to be best spy. That’s why you get so angry when you hear Black Fly talking about being king of spies…I mean, queen. That’s why you have a problem with me calling myself the most dominant spy in the history of spying. Admit it.
LUCAS
The only thing I’ll admit to you is my love.
FLY
I don’t want to, but I will shoot you!
LUCAS
Go ahead. Try it.
Fly holds up his spear gun. He points it at Troyture’s chest.
FLY
I…I…I………can’t.
BANG! Lana shoots Lucas Troyture in the head.
FLY
NO! MY FRIEND! HE’S GONE FOREVER! Probably. I thought he was dead to begin with.
LANA
I never liked that guy. You might not remember this, but we worked on a couple missions earlier in the year and he really left me out to dry. He had this coming. Nobody needs Lucas Troyture. He’s old news. Just some hanger-on trying to stay relevant. He deserves to die.
FLY
But…but…wait a second!
Fly looks around, excited.
FLY
There’s nobody left! Does this mean I win War!?
LANA
Well, you still have me to deal with. Also, I’m pretty sure Cyril is going to be around. Gravereiger. Cheryl. Basically everyone in ISIS is a threat. Also, Bobby Cairo.
FLY
AW SHIT!
Boom. The Sterling Fly theme plays and we roll to credits.
