Post by Jeff Purse on Sept 28, 2014 14:09:28 GMT -5
“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
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A flash of bright white light. I am sitting on my couch with Kari. She is going over some paperwork, trying to figure out my next best course of action. War is coming soon, my second War ever. I won the War the first time I was in it. Nobody saw it coming. I was an underdog among underdogs. I proved to everyone though that I was a top competitor. But I failed. I lost the belt to Eric Price of all people. Disappointing...yes. The biggest match I had ever been in and I lost to Eric Price. I hate Eric Price. Eric Price, the man who I was sure hit me with a car...but no.
I have never been the same since getting hit by that car. Medical reasons taking me in and out of competition. I haven't been reliable...I haven't been around. Even the boys in Pantheon have been moving on without me. I don't know why I even came back, truthfully. I was cleared for competition, but its only a matter of time until I am right back in the hospital with some related injury. They don't even care, it seems. I came back, and for a brief, brief moment they were happy to have me back. Then it all came about Jonny and Steve.
I don't think they quite understand what I am going through. I don't think that anybody quite understands what I am going through. I lost the ability to walk for months. I almost died. Do any of them even understand what thats like? Do they understand what its like to not be able to walk for five months? Do they understand what its like needing to be...needing to be changed? Do they understand how hard it is to get through something like this, and the only person by your side is a red haired, soul sucking, she man woman hater? No they don't. Nobody does. Not even Kari.
She tries, God knows she tries. She never once gave up on me. I hurt her. I cheated. I lied. I was awful, and this woman, this amazing woman forgave me. We got engaged two years ago and she isn't pressuring me to jump into marriage. She is just...amazing. I don't deserve her. I never deserved her. I am crazy and she puts up with everything. I don't know what I would do without her. She is everything to me. Everything.
A flash of bright light and I am suddenly sitting in Jonny Fly's mansion, one of our Pantheon Headquarters. I was in charge of setting up. And by 'I was in charge" I mean I gave myself the task of setting up. That was usual. I love these guys, but they are messy and unorganized. Each spot at the table has a perfectly triangular cut name tags. Next to each is a nice thing for everyone. By Jayson's name a beer and a bag of popcorn. Next to Corey's is a viking hat. Next to Jonny's, a gavel and a clicker. He runs the meetings, so these things are needed. By my name? Nothing. I never give myself anything. I like it that way. Things are distracting. I have to be on my game if I am going to win War.
A flash and the boys are in the room sitting in their seats. Jayson has managed to spill all of his popcorn, then after I cleaned it up he spilled his beer. Something is seriously wrong with him. I am not he ground now, trying to treat the rug before its ruined. He doesn't seem to care. Corey has twisted one of the viking horns, and no matter how much I protest, he won't put it back to normal. Also, they didn't sit in their assigned seats. Corey took mine, and Jayson took Corey's, so I have to sit in Jayson's. Jonny bangs his gavel, its time for the meeting to begin. Lucky, I just finished cleaning the rug.
Jonny Fly: Thanks Jeff, for cleaning my rug. Price, you are dick for not helping.
Jayson Price: Hey, I am not the clean freak here, why should I help?
Corey Black: No, your not. But you are a dick.
Jeff Purse: Yeah, I third that.
Jonny Fly: Then its official, Jayson Price is a dick.
Jonny bangs the gavel. We razzed Jayson just as much as we razzed anyone. It was sort of the thing we did. I made fun of Jayson he made fun of me. I made fun of Corey he made fun of me. I made fun of Jonny he made fun of me. Thats how you know you have some pretty close friends, you can talk all the shit you want to them and they return with shit, but in a pickle, they are always there for you. Jonny flicks on the projector. A giant WAR graphic shows up on the screen.
Jonny Fly: So, as we all know War is coming up, and all of us are participating in this match. Jeff thought it would be a good idea to have a team meeting so we could discuss strategy, and I agree. We need to know what we are up against. It only seems fair. So lets get started, ok?
Corey Black: Arrrr!
Jeff Purse: ...are you a pirate now?
Corey Black: Quiet you! Don't question my viking ways young grasshopper.
Jonny Fly: Ok, so, here we go. First up is Isaac Salinger.
Corey Black: He is a Dumble-dork.
Jayson Price: Dumble-dork?
Corey Black: I finally read Harry Potter. Those books are amazing.
Jeff Purse: Yes! I told you! What did you think of The Prisoner of Azkaban?
Corey Black: Riveting. I knew that there was something up with Scabbers from the get go. He never acted quite like a rat.
Jonny Fly: Ladies, can we continue here? Ok, back to Salinger. Future career as a Flyjobber.
Jeff Purse: Pursejobber.
Jonny Fly: Don't push it. Next up is Night Rider.
Jayson Price: He got a name for himself mooching off of Jeff for the longest time.
Corey Black: Supporter of the Dark Lord of bad wrestling.
Jonny Fly: Decent, but still a Flyjobber.
Jeff Purse: He is a friend of mine...but the dude is going down like a downtown clown.
Corey Black:...What?
Jeff Purse: He is going down like a downtown clown. It rhymes.
Jonny Fly: Jeff how many times do I have to tell you, just because it rhymes doesn't mean its a good insult.
Jeff Purse:...you guys are downtown clowns.
Jonny Fly: Next on the list is Tobias Barnz. Or to be more direct Tobias 'Gravedigger' Barnz.
Corey Black: Godric Gryffindork
Jayson Price: ZZZzzzz
Jeff Purse: Price fell asleep with his feet on the table. Do you have any coasters? His sneakers are going to scuff the wooden finish...
Jonny Fly: Jeff. Focus.
Jeff Purse: Oh, um...who would want to use that name in WCF when it is already tainted by the sweaty old man balls that is Gravedigger.
Jonny Fly: Better. Ok next up is Shawn Scholes.
Jeff Purse: Looks like he wanted to be on the swat team, but got turned down.
Corey Black: He is a real Ron Weasel.
Jonny Fly: His name reminds me of feet...and that pisses me off.
Jayson Price: No mommy, I don't want to go to school.
Jonny Fly: Yeah, with him saying things like that, let him sleep. Next on the list is Justin Cash.
Corey Black: I want to kick him in his..."Knuts". Get it?
Jeff Puse: Good one. Knuts. Like the money?
Corey Black: Hell Yeah.
Jonny Fly: Ladies!
Jeff Purse: Sorry, this dude just doesn't even come up on my radar. He has a dumb name and he seems like he is a dumb guy. Everything about him is dumb.
Jonny Fly: Well said, Jeff, well said. Ok next we have Jahani al-Reb. I call this guy a rich bitch.
Jeff Purse: I find him to be a strange imitation of Johnny Reb. I mean, I don't know why...but something makes me feel like he is mooching off of that name.
Corey Black: A real Hufflepuff, if you ask me.
Jonny Fly: Kazy Mazy.
Corey Black: Volde-dumbass.
Jonny Fly: Another career as a future Fly-...Panthejobber.
Jayson Price: Chicken and eggs, its like bitches and bitch holes.
Jeff Purse: Kazy Mazy. His name proves that if it rhymes, its an insult.
Corey Black: Nice harshbrown.
Jeff Purse: Thanks.
Jonny Fly: Brent Alpine. A bitch.
Jeff Purse: Yabba Dabba...a bitch.
Corey Black: Bellatrix Lestrange.
Jonny Fly: What?
Jeff Purse: Allow me to translate...a bitch.
Jonny Fly: Oh ok. Ok next up we have Deuce Murdock.
Jeff Purse: So basically he decided he would name himself as his skills? Shit Murdock?
Jonny Fly: I yay that one. I agree. Shit Murdock is to be his new name.
Corey Black: ...um...hold on I will get this one. Honey Deuces, the only place to go for a good butter beer and good, light conversation. No way he is winning anything. To much of a bitch.
Jeff Purse: That one was a strech.
Jonny Fly: Bryan Worthy. I like this fella, but no way he is good enough to win War.
Jeff Purse: I agree. Cannot win War.
Corey Black: He needs to QUITditch while he is ahead. Or he should QuidDITCH while he is ahead. Both work.
Jonny Fly: Hyena.
Jeff Purse: Whoopie Goldberg is a better wrestler than this guy.
Jonny Fly: He seems like a guy who doesn't know what is going on in the world and just cares about one thing...killing Simba.
Corey Black: Harry Pothead. I don't know if he smokes pot or not. I just can't think of a good one.
Jonny Fly: Ok than, uh next up is Livewire.
Jeff Purse: Isn't that a Mountain Dew flavor?
Jonny Fly: Yeah, the orange.
Jeff Purse: How dare he taint the name of the second best Mountain Dew flavor.
Jonny Fly: What is the first best?
Jeff Purse: The regular.
Corey Black: Miss NorrASS! Hah.
Jayson Price: Me wants chicken...me wants liver...meow mix...meow mix...please deliver...
Jonny Fly: Next on our list is Jay Omega.
Corey Black: Professor Umbitch.
Jeff Purse: Wanna be Jonny Fly.
Jonny Fly: Wanna be Jeff Purse.
Corey Black: Bitchledore.
Jonny Fly: Louis Bartkowski.
Jeff Purse: More like Louis Cantwinski
Jonny Fly: More like Louis Bartsuckski
Corey Black: More like Reubesuck Hagrid, keeper of the keys at Hogfarts.
Jeff Purse: That one isn't as good.
Corey Black: Hey, its not easy making a bunch of Harry Potter referances.
Jonny Fly: So stop.
Corey Black: Its really hard to stop giving the people what they want, but its what they want.
Jonny Fly: Anyway, next up is John Gable. The former John Gobble, the former sucker of Scott Savages tit.
Jeff Purse: The prince of the cinema, and the prince of getting an ass whooping and the king, if you ask me, of losing War.
Corey Black: John Gable and the Deathly Dickhead.
Jonny Fly: Zombie McMorris.
Jeff Purse: Stale. Boring. Smelly. Homeless.
Corey Black: A real MunDUNGus Fletcher.
Jonny Fly: Next on the docket, the next person to lose War is Alex Richards.
Jeff Purse: I hate him.
Corey Black: He is a FireDOLT!
Jonny Fly: Why do you hate him?
Jeff Purse: Because he is why I was gone and, if I was still around, none of this would have happened.
Jonny Fly: We will get to that, Jeff. We will. But next up is The Ultimate Destroyer.
Jeff Purse: I thought those days of wrestling were over? Cheesy, dumb, stupid names and stupid, cheesy, dumb gimmicks.
Jayson Price: Here in my car...I feel safest of all...I can lock all the doors...its the only way to live...in cars...
Corey Black: Avada Kadumbass
Jonny Fly: You like the dumbass thing.
Corey Black: I calls em like I sees em.
Jonny Fly: Ok, next is Chelsea Armstrong. The blue haired bitch who needs to realize she wants to do it Fly style.
Jeff Purse: I don't know, I think she might have a whoops ween.
Corey Black: Draco Mal- Wait what did you say?
Jeff Purse: I thinks is actually a dude with very lady like qualities.
Corey Black: Im intrigued...
Jonny Fly: Lets move on.
Corey Black: I wonder how it works...
Jonny Fly: WE ARE MOVING ON! Cormack MacNeill.
Corey Black: Used to be a DumbleDumbass, now is a Ravenshit.
Jeff Purse: (in his best scottish accent) Oi, me likes mah haggis to be fried, not boiled oi!
Jonny Fly: He reminds me of Caliban, and that pisses me off. Ok next is Steeltoe Joe.
Jeff Purse: I have never understood why he calls himself "Steeltoe" when he is a pastor? Like...I understand if he was a construction worker or something, but I don't understand.
Corey Black: Its just as confusing as it was for the students of Hogwarts when they couldn't figure out what was slithering through the pipes turning people to stone in the Chamber of Secrets.
Jonny Fly: ...Right...I just...can't stand to look at this guy. He is so wishy washy. One week he wants to attack me with my back turned. The next he wants to be my best friend.
Jeff Purse: I told you he is two faced. He is a liar.
Jonny Fly: Next is that fuck Biohazard.
Corey Black: He is the WCF equivilent of Dudley Dursley.
Jeff Purse: THE OOZE! He makes me laugh.
Jonny Fly: NO! IF ANYONE MAKES YOU LAUGH ITS FLYWOCKER FLAME! Who is next.
Jeff Purse: I don't know what this friendship between you two is, but that dude needs to go back to his home planet.
Corey Black: He is a Golden Jobber, and the Seeker, Jonny Fly, needs to find him.
Jeff Purse: Not as good.
Corey Black: They are not all winners.
Jayson Price: I wanna be an Oscar Meyer Weiner, that is what I truly want to beeee....
Jonny Fly: Ok, next on the docket is everyones favorite Jobber, Doc Henry.
Corey Black: FUCKING JOBBER ASS BITCH!
Jeff Purse: I agree...but...what about the Harry Potter reference?
Corey Black: Uh, that was one...you know what Snape kills Dumbledore and Harry yells 'FUCKING JOBBER ASS BITCH'!?
Jeff Purse: That doesn't happen.
Corey Black: Jeff...don't be a bitch.
Jonny Fly: Wait, wait. Snape kills Dumbledore? WHAT THE FUCK COREY YOU CAN'T WARN ME OF SPOLIERS?
Corey Black: You are reading the books?
Jonny Fly: Well I was there when Jeff told you about them and they seemed interesting.
Jeff Purse: Guys...guys. Can we get back on track? Who is next?
Jonny Fly: The well known Panthejobber Gravedigger.
Jeff Purse: I wish he would just stop trying to make a career for himself.
Corey Black: Rita SkeetSkeetSkeetonGravediggersface.
Jonny Fly: All in favor that Gravdigger needs to hang up his shitty career once and for all, say Yay.
Jeff Purse: Yay.
Corey Black: Lumos.
Jayson Price: Que Pasa?
Jonny Fly: Good enough. Ok next is former Pantheon member, Johnny Reb. Let us all bow our heads in respect for his lost career.
We all do.
Jonny Fly: After that we have Bobby C. Former Pantheon manager.
Jeff Purse: He should stick to politics. The wrestling game has changed too much for him to continue to be the dominate force. He is full of the same insults week after week.
Corey Black: Nicholas FLAMER.
Jonny Fly: I agree. He is old and boring and the best Flyjobber out there. Ok next is Torture.
Corey Black: He is the Ron Weasley to my Harry Potter. But I kinda wanted Weasley to die...so...
Jeff Purse: I have nothing but respect for Torture. But I will remind him why he publicly endorsed me the last time he was around. I am that good.
Jonny Fly: I can't wait to whoop that ass, like Price couldn't.
Jayson Price: Mommy, HELP!
Jeff Purse: That was weird.
Jonny Fly: Next up is Daniel Booker.
Jeff Purse: Who?
Jayson Price wakes up.
Jayson Price: What did I miss?
Corey Black: Purse doesn't seem to know who Daniel Booker is.
Jayson Price: Oh.
Jonny Fly: Steve Orbit.
Jeff Purse: Brainwashed by Vapor Kings.
The three men look at me, straight faced.
Jeff Purse: What? You guys don't agree with me?
Corey Black: Brainwashed, Jeff?
Jonny Fly: Jeff, brainwashed?
Jayson Price: Jeff brainwashed.
Jeff Purse: What..?
The three men begin go grow. They begin to chant brainwashed. Their shadows soon cast me into a darkness. It is a lonely darkness. A cold darkness. I try to shout to get them to help me, but no sound comes out. Who is Daniel Booker? I look up and see Jonny, Corey, and Jayson replacing me. Replacing me with another man they call Booker. So this is him. They don't like me anymore. They have been looking to replace me ever since I returned, so I can bask in the cold and unforgiven darkness of their shadows, which is even darker now. The floor drops out from underneath me.
I am falling now, but I don't care. I wish to be anywhere but here. Maybe at the bottom of this pit that I seem to be falling down will be a nice set of sharp spikes. I can end all of this. I need to end all of this. I don't like this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach everytime I am around these men. Men who have accomplished such great things in their careers. I never belonged with them. They tried to convince me that I did, but I know for a fact that I did not. No matter what they said, they always thought the same way about me. I was the less successful. I was the runt. THEY NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!
I hit the ground, hard. The breath leaves me. I am laying there...dying. Finally. The release I need. The salvation I seek...
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Father Terry Andrews looks up from a notebook at his desk, his big fuzzy face managing to look concerned. Jeff Purse sits across from him.
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery this is very disturbing to me. Why did you choose to share this?
Jeff Purse: It...was a really strange dream I had. I wanted to know what it meant...I mean...maybe I should give those guys another chance. I me-
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery, that is the opposite of what this dream means. It is clear that you felt insecure around these men at all times. They would not let you reach your full potential.
Jeff Purse: No I think-
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery, have a candy.
He offers Jeff a small mint. Jeff takes one, thanking him. He pops it in his mouth.
Father Terry Andrews: Our mission here in WCF is very clear, Jeffery. When I first met you you were in a padded room begging to be let out and I was able to get you out by the grace of God. You agreed to help me in my mission. Do you remember what that mission was.
Jeff Purse: To bring salvation to the WCF.
Father Terry Andrews: No, Jeffery, no. It is clear that WCF does not want salvation. Nobody here seems to understand what it means to be righteous. Nobody here understands the good word. Nobody here wants to be saved. The WCF is past salvation. It is time for Judgement, Jeffery. That is why you are The Rapture the WCF needs. A good, old fashioned cleansing. You are the one who will be responsible for that. And where does that start Jeffery?
Jeff, now finished with the candy, sits in his chair. His eyes seem glazed. Something is wrong with him.
Jeff Purse: Pantheon.
Father Terry Andrews: Correct Jeffery, Pantheon. And who specifically in Pantheon?
Jeff Puse: Jonny Fly.
Father Terry Andrews: Correct, Jonathon Fly. Now, go train with Abaddon. I have a few phone calls to make.
Jeff Purse: Yes father.
Jeff stands, still starry eyed, and walks out the door. Father Terry Andrews picks up the phone in his puppet hands and pounds a bunch of keys.
Father Terry Andrews: Montgomery? Where is she? You know who. Good. It seems Jeffery had a dream that made him doubt our mission. Don't forget our deal Montgomery, you keep her away from Jeffery, and I won't do anything to your sister. She is in good hands with Abaddon. Today was the first time he mentioned her since the incident, so make sure she is taken care of by the end of War. Very good. Keep me informed.
He hangs the phone up as the scene slowly fades to black.
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A flash of bright white light. I am sitting on my couch with Kari. She is going over some paperwork, trying to figure out my next best course of action. War is coming soon, my second War ever. I won the War the first time I was in it. Nobody saw it coming. I was an underdog among underdogs. I proved to everyone though that I was a top competitor. But I failed. I lost the belt to Eric Price of all people. Disappointing...yes. The biggest match I had ever been in and I lost to Eric Price. I hate Eric Price. Eric Price, the man who I was sure hit me with a car...but no.
I have never been the same since getting hit by that car. Medical reasons taking me in and out of competition. I haven't been reliable...I haven't been around. Even the boys in Pantheon have been moving on without me. I don't know why I even came back, truthfully. I was cleared for competition, but its only a matter of time until I am right back in the hospital with some related injury. They don't even care, it seems. I came back, and for a brief, brief moment they were happy to have me back. Then it all came about Jonny and Steve.
I don't think they quite understand what I am going through. I don't think that anybody quite understands what I am going through. I lost the ability to walk for months. I almost died. Do any of them even understand what thats like? Do they understand what its like to not be able to walk for five months? Do they understand what its like needing to be...needing to be changed? Do they understand how hard it is to get through something like this, and the only person by your side is a red haired, soul sucking, she man woman hater? No they don't. Nobody does. Not even Kari.
She tries, God knows she tries. She never once gave up on me. I hurt her. I cheated. I lied. I was awful, and this woman, this amazing woman forgave me. We got engaged two years ago and she isn't pressuring me to jump into marriage. She is just...amazing. I don't deserve her. I never deserved her. I am crazy and she puts up with everything. I don't know what I would do without her. She is everything to me. Everything.
A flash of bright light and I am suddenly sitting in Jonny Fly's mansion, one of our Pantheon Headquarters. I was in charge of setting up. And by 'I was in charge" I mean I gave myself the task of setting up. That was usual. I love these guys, but they are messy and unorganized. Each spot at the table has a perfectly triangular cut name tags. Next to each is a nice thing for everyone. By Jayson's name a beer and a bag of popcorn. Next to Corey's is a viking hat. Next to Jonny's, a gavel and a clicker. He runs the meetings, so these things are needed. By my name? Nothing. I never give myself anything. I like it that way. Things are distracting. I have to be on my game if I am going to win War.
A flash and the boys are in the room sitting in their seats. Jayson has managed to spill all of his popcorn, then after I cleaned it up he spilled his beer. Something is seriously wrong with him. I am not he ground now, trying to treat the rug before its ruined. He doesn't seem to care. Corey has twisted one of the viking horns, and no matter how much I protest, he won't put it back to normal. Also, they didn't sit in their assigned seats. Corey took mine, and Jayson took Corey's, so I have to sit in Jayson's. Jonny bangs his gavel, its time for the meeting to begin. Lucky, I just finished cleaning the rug.
Jonny Fly: Thanks Jeff, for cleaning my rug. Price, you are dick for not helping.
Jayson Price: Hey, I am not the clean freak here, why should I help?
Corey Black: No, your not. But you are a dick.
Jeff Purse: Yeah, I third that.
Jonny Fly: Then its official, Jayson Price is a dick.
Jonny bangs the gavel. We razzed Jayson just as much as we razzed anyone. It was sort of the thing we did. I made fun of Jayson he made fun of me. I made fun of Corey he made fun of me. I made fun of Jonny he made fun of me. Thats how you know you have some pretty close friends, you can talk all the shit you want to them and they return with shit, but in a pickle, they are always there for you. Jonny flicks on the projector. A giant WAR graphic shows up on the screen.
Jonny Fly: So, as we all know War is coming up, and all of us are participating in this match. Jeff thought it would be a good idea to have a team meeting so we could discuss strategy, and I agree. We need to know what we are up against. It only seems fair. So lets get started, ok?
Corey Black: Arrrr!
Jeff Purse: ...are you a pirate now?
Corey Black: Quiet you! Don't question my viking ways young grasshopper.
Jonny Fly: Ok, so, here we go. First up is Isaac Salinger.
Corey Black: He is a Dumble-dork.
Jayson Price: Dumble-dork?
Corey Black: I finally read Harry Potter. Those books are amazing.
Jeff Purse: Yes! I told you! What did you think of The Prisoner of Azkaban?
Corey Black: Riveting. I knew that there was something up with Scabbers from the get go. He never acted quite like a rat.
Jonny Fly: Ladies, can we continue here? Ok, back to Salinger. Future career as a Flyjobber.
Jeff Purse: Pursejobber.
Jonny Fly: Don't push it. Next up is Night Rider.
Jayson Price: He got a name for himself mooching off of Jeff for the longest time.
Corey Black: Supporter of the Dark Lord of bad wrestling.
Jonny Fly: Decent, but still a Flyjobber.
Jeff Purse: He is a friend of mine...but the dude is going down like a downtown clown.
Corey Black:...What?
Jeff Purse: He is going down like a downtown clown. It rhymes.
Jonny Fly: Jeff how many times do I have to tell you, just because it rhymes doesn't mean its a good insult.
Jeff Purse:...you guys are downtown clowns.
Jonny Fly: Next on the list is Tobias Barnz. Or to be more direct Tobias 'Gravedigger' Barnz.
Corey Black: Godric Gryffindork
Jayson Price: ZZZzzzz
Jeff Purse: Price fell asleep with his feet on the table. Do you have any coasters? His sneakers are going to scuff the wooden finish...
Jonny Fly: Jeff. Focus.
Jeff Purse: Oh, um...who would want to use that name in WCF when it is already tainted by the sweaty old man balls that is Gravedigger.
Jonny Fly: Better. Ok next up is Shawn Scholes.
Jeff Purse: Looks like he wanted to be on the swat team, but got turned down.
Corey Black: He is a real Ron Weasel.
Jonny Fly: His name reminds me of feet...and that pisses me off.
Jayson Price: No mommy, I don't want to go to school.
Jonny Fly: Yeah, with him saying things like that, let him sleep. Next on the list is Justin Cash.
Corey Black: I want to kick him in his..."Knuts". Get it?
Jeff Puse: Good one. Knuts. Like the money?
Corey Black: Hell Yeah.
Jonny Fly: Ladies!
Jeff Purse: Sorry, this dude just doesn't even come up on my radar. He has a dumb name and he seems like he is a dumb guy. Everything about him is dumb.
Jonny Fly: Well said, Jeff, well said. Ok next we have Jahani al-Reb. I call this guy a rich bitch.
Jeff Purse: I find him to be a strange imitation of Johnny Reb. I mean, I don't know why...but something makes me feel like he is mooching off of that name.
Corey Black: A real Hufflepuff, if you ask me.
Jonny Fly: Kazy Mazy.
Corey Black: Volde-dumbass.
Jonny Fly: Another career as a future Fly-...Panthejobber.
Jayson Price: Chicken and eggs, its like bitches and bitch holes.
Jeff Purse: Kazy Mazy. His name proves that if it rhymes, its an insult.
Corey Black: Nice harshbrown.
Jeff Purse: Thanks.
Jonny Fly: Brent Alpine. A bitch.
Jeff Purse: Yabba Dabba...a bitch.
Corey Black: Bellatrix Lestrange.
Jonny Fly: What?
Jeff Purse: Allow me to translate...a bitch.
Jonny Fly: Oh ok. Ok next up we have Deuce Murdock.
Jeff Purse: So basically he decided he would name himself as his skills? Shit Murdock?
Jonny Fly: I yay that one. I agree. Shit Murdock is to be his new name.
Corey Black: ...um...hold on I will get this one. Honey Deuces, the only place to go for a good butter beer and good, light conversation. No way he is winning anything. To much of a bitch.
Jeff Purse: That one was a strech.
Jonny Fly: Bryan Worthy. I like this fella, but no way he is good enough to win War.
Jeff Purse: I agree. Cannot win War.
Corey Black: He needs to QUITditch while he is ahead. Or he should QuidDITCH while he is ahead. Both work.
Jonny Fly: Hyena.
Jeff Purse: Whoopie Goldberg is a better wrestler than this guy.
Jonny Fly: He seems like a guy who doesn't know what is going on in the world and just cares about one thing...killing Simba.
Corey Black: Harry Pothead. I don't know if he smokes pot or not. I just can't think of a good one.
Jonny Fly: Ok than, uh next up is Livewire.
Jeff Purse: Isn't that a Mountain Dew flavor?
Jonny Fly: Yeah, the orange.
Jeff Purse: How dare he taint the name of the second best Mountain Dew flavor.
Jonny Fly: What is the first best?
Jeff Purse: The regular.
Corey Black: Miss NorrASS! Hah.
Jayson Price: Me wants chicken...me wants liver...meow mix...meow mix...please deliver...
Jonny Fly: Next on our list is Jay Omega.
Corey Black: Professor Umbitch.
Jeff Purse: Wanna be Jonny Fly.
Jonny Fly: Wanna be Jeff Purse.
Corey Black: Bitchledore.
Jonny Fly: Louis Bartkowski.
Jeff Purse: More like Louis Cantwinski
Jonny Fly: More like Louis Bartsuckski
Corey Black: More like Reubesuck Hagrid, keeper of the keys at Hogfarts.
Jeff Purse: That one isn't as good.
Corey Black: Hey, its not easy making a bunch of Harry Potter referances.
Jonny Fly: So stop.
Corey Black: Its really hard to stop giving the people what they want, but its what they want.
Jonny Fly: Anyway, next up is John Gable. The former John Gobble, the former sucker of Scott Savages tit.
Jeff Purse: The prince of the cinema, and the prince of getting an ass whooping and the king, if you ask me, of losing War.
Corey Black: John Gable and the Deathly Dickhead.
Jonny Fly: Zombie McMorris.
Jeff Purse: Stale. Boring. Smelly. Homeless.
Corey Black: A real MunDUNGus Fletcher.
Jonny Fly: Next on the docket, the next person to lose War is Alex Richards.
Jeff Purse: I hate him.
Corey Black: He is a FireDOLT!
Jonny Fly: Why do you hate him?
Jeff Purse: Because he is why I was gone and, if I was still around, none of this would have happened.
Jonny Fly: We will get to that, Jeff. We will. But next up is The Ultimate Destroyer.
Jeff Purse: I thought those days of wrestling were over? Cheesy, dumb, stupid names and stupid, cheesy, dumb gimmicks.
Jayson Price: Here in my car...I feel safest of all...I can lock all the doors...its the only way to live...in cars...
Corey Black: Avada Kadumbass
Jonny Fly: You like the dumbass thing.
Corey Black: I calls em like I sees em.
Jonny Fly: Ok, next is Chelsea Armstrong. The blue haired bitch who needs to realize she wants to do it Fly style.
Jeff Purse: I don't know, I think she might have a whoops ween.
Corey Black: Draco Mal- Wait what did you say?
Jeff Purse: I thinks is actually a dude with very lady like qualities.
Corey Black: Im intrigued...
Jonny Fly: Lets move on.
Corey Black: I wonder how it works...
Jonny Fly: WE ARE MOVING ON! Cormack MacNeill.
Corey Black: Used to be a DumbleDumbass, now is a Ravenshit.
Jeff Purse: (in his best scottish accent) Oi, me likes mah haggis to be fried, not boiled oi!
Jonny Fly: He reminds me of Caliban, and that pisses me off. Ok next is Steeltoe Joe.
Jeff Purse: I have never understood why he calls himself "Steeltoe" when he is a pastor? Like...I understand if he was a construction worker or something, but I don't understand.
Corey Black: Its just as confusing as it was for the students of Hogwarts when they couldn't figure out what was slithering through the pipes turning people to stone in the Chamber of Secrets.
Jonny Fly: ...Right...I just...can't stand to look at this guy. He is so wishy washy. One week he wants to attack me with my back turned. The next he wants to be my best friend.
Jeff Purse: I told you he is two faced. He is a liar.
Jonny Fly: Next is that fuck Biohazard.
Corey Black: He is the WCF equivilent of Dudley Dursley.
Jeff Purse: THE OOZE! He makes me laugh.
Jonny Fly: NO! IF ANYONE MAKES YOU LAUGH ITS FLYWOCKER FLAME! Who is next.
Jeff Purse: I don't know what this friendship between you two is, but that dude needs to go back to his home planet.
Corey Black: He is a Golden Jobber, and the Seeker, Jonny Fly, needs to find him.
Jeff Purse: Not as good.
Corey Black: They are not all winners.
Jayson Price: I wanna be an Oscar Meyer Weiner, that is what I truly want to beeee....
Jonny Fly: Ok, next on the docket is everyones favorite Jobber, Doc Henry.
Corey Black: FUCKING JOBBER ASS BITCH!
Jeff Purse: I agree...but...what about the Harry Potter reference?
Corey Black: Uh, that was one...you know what Snape kills Dumbledore and Harry yells 'FUCKING JOBBER ASS BITCH'!?
Jeff Purse: That doesn't happen.
Corey Black: Jeff...don't be a bitch.
Jonny Fly: Wait, wait. Snape kills Dumbledore? WHAT THE FUCK COREY YOU CAN'T WARN ME OF SPOLIERS?
Corey Black: You are reading the books?
Jonny Fly: Well I was there when Jeff told you about them and they seemed interesting.
Jeff Purse: Guys...guys. Can we get back on track? Who is next?
Jonny Fly: The well known Panthejobber Gravedigger.
Jeff Purse: I wish he would just stop trying to make a career for himself.
Corey Black: Rita SkeetSkeetSkeetonGravediggersface.
Jonny Fly: All in favor that Gravdigger needs to hang up his shitty career once and for all, say Yay.
Jeff Purse: Yay.
Corey Black: Lumos.
Jayson Price: Que Pasa?
Jonny Fly: Good enough. Ok next is former Pantheon member, Johnny Reb. Let us all bow our heads in respect for his lost career.
We all do.
Jonny Fly: After that we have Bobby C. Former Pantheon manager.
Jeff Purse: He should stick to politics. The wrestling game has changed too much for him to continue to be the dominate force. He is full of the same insults week after week.
Corey Black: Nicholas FLAMER.
Jonny Fly: I agree. He is old and boring and the best Flyjobber out there. Ok next is Torture.
Corey Black: He is the Ron Weasley to my Harry Potter. But I kinda wanted Weasley to die...so...
Jeff Purse: I have nothing but respect for Torture. But I will remind him why he publicly endorsed me the last time he was around. I am that good.
Jonny Fly: I can't wait to whoop that ass, like Price couldn't.
Jayson Price: Mommy, HELP!
Jeff Purse: That was weird.
Jonny Fly: Next up is Daniel Booker.
Jeff Purse: Who?
Jayson Price wakes up.
Jayson Price: What did I miss?
Corey Black: Purse doesn't seem to know who Daniel Booker is.
Jayson Price: Oh.
Jonny Fly: Steve Orbit.
Jeff Purse: Brainwashed by Vapor Kings.
The three men look at me, straight faced.
Jeff Purse: What? You guys don't agree with me?
Corey Black: Brainwashed, Jeff?
Jonny Fly: Jeff, brainwashed?
Jayson Price: Jeff brainwashed.
Jeff Purse: What..?
The three men begin go grow. They begin to chant brainwashed. Their shadows soon cast me into a darkness. It is a lonely darkness. A cold darkness. I try to shout to get them to help me, but no sound comes out. Who is Daniel Booker? I look up and see Jonny, Corey, and Jayson replacing me. Replacing me with another man they call Booker. So this is him. They don't like me anymore. They have been looking to replace me ever since I returned, so I can bask in the cold and unforgiven darkness of their shadows, which is even darker now. The floor drops out from underneath me.
I am falling now, but I don't care. I wish to be anywhere but here. Maybe at the bottom of this pit that I seem to be falling down will be a nice set of sharp spikes. I can end all of this. I need to end all of this. I don't like this feeling I get in the pit of my stomach everytime I am around these men. Men who have accomplished such great things in their careers. I never belonged with them. They tried to convince me that I did, but I know for a fact that I did not. No matter what they said, they always thought the same way about me. I was the less successful. I was the runt. THEY NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!
I hit the ground, hard. The breath leaves me. I am laying there...dying. Finally. The release I need. The salvation I seek...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Father Terry Andrews looks up from a notebook at his desk, his big fuzzy face managing to look concerned. Jeff Purse sits across from him.
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery this is very disturbing to me. Why did you choose to share this?
Jeff Purse: It...was a really strange dream I had. I wanted to know what it meant...I mean...maybe I should give those guys another chance. I me-
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery, that is the opposite of what this dream means. It is clear that you felt insecure around these men at all times. They would not let you reach your full potential.
Jeff Purse: No I think-
Father Terry Andrews: Jeffery, have a candy.
He offers Jeff a small mint. Jeff takes one, thanking him. He pops it in his mouth.
Father Terry Andrews: Our mission here in WCF is very clear, Jeffery. When I first met you you were in a padded room begging to be let out and I was able to get you out by the grace of God. You agreed to help me in my mission. Do you remember what that mission was.
Jeff Purse: To bring salvation to the WCF.
Father Terry Andrews: No, Jeffery, no. It is clear that WCF does not want salvation. Nobody here seems to understand what it means to be righteous. Nobody here understands the good word. Nobody here wants to be saved. The WCF is past salvation. It is time for Judgement, Jeffery. That is why you are The Rapture the WCF needs. A good, old fashioned cleansing. You are the one who will be responsible for that. And where does that start Jeffery?
Jeff, now finished with the candy, sits in his chair. His eyes seem glazed. Something is wrong with him.
Jeff Purse: Pantheon.
Father Terry Andrews: Correct Jeffery, Pantheon. And who specifically in Pantheon?
Jeff Puse: Jonny Fly.
Father Terry Andrews: Correct, Jonathon Fly. Now, go train with Abaddon. I have a few phone calls to make.
Jeff Purse: Yes father.
Jeff stands, still starry eyed, and walks out the door. Father Terry Andrews picks up the phone in his puppet hands and pounds a bunch of keys.
Father Terry Andrews: Montgomery? Where is she? You know who. Good. It seems Jeffery had a dream that made him doubt our mission. Don't forget our deal Montgomery, you keep her away from Jeffery, and I won't do anything to your sister. She is in good hands with Abaddon. Today was the first time he mentioned her since the incident, so make sure she is taken care of by the end of War. Very good. Keep me informed.
He hangs the phone up as the scene slowly fades to black.
