Post by Jonny Fly on Sept 27, 2014 21:43:12 GMT -5
The scene begins at Jonny Fly’s New York City home. In the kitchen, dozens of what appear to be gift baskets are scene stacked on the table. It’s at that table where Jonny Fly and Pantheon assistant Jade Seong are sitting.
Fly: This is called efficiency, Jade. As my assistant, that’s a term that you should embrace and use in all parts of your duties.
Jade: I know what efficiency is, Jonny. This isn’t efficiency. This is arrogance.
Fly: Sometimes those can be the same thing.
Jade: Would you care to explain how that’s possible?
Fly thinks about it for a moment, and comes up with nothing. Instead of answering the question he decides to shrug it off.
Fly: Look, once I win War I’m going to be too busy celebrating to do this. I want people to know that what I do to them on Sunday isn’t personal. What better way than to send them a ‘Get Well Soon’ gift basket!?
Jade: They’re going to get the bags before the match even happens!
Fly: Well maybe, but at least they’ll get one! It’s much better than me smacking the shit out of them, and then going out and celebrating and not acknowledging their misfortune at all. I truly feel bad for what’s going to happen. Everyone is out there working so fuckin’ hard, but there can only be one winner (and highlander), and I’m going out there to make sure that person is me. That doesn’t mean I can’t respect the trials the rest of the Flyjobbers are going to endure.
Jade: If you really felt bad for them, maybe not always call them Flyjobbers?
Fly: But…that’s their names.
Jade: No, they have actual names.
Fly: Are you telling me that one dude’s name is actually Hyena? Come on, most of these people are using stage names. Flyjobber is my collective nickname for the group. It’s much easier than trying to remember all their names. Let’s face it, the bottom of our roster is constantly churning. I don’t have time to remember the two-week warriors.
Jade just shakes her head at the response.
Jade: Alright, whatever.
Fly: Good. Now, did you do what I asked you to do?
Jade: Yes, there are 30 gift baskets here. All have been stocked with bandages, back braces, knee braces, bottles of Tylenol, tampons, and bags of hot fries.
Fly: Perfect.
Jade: The only other thing we need to do is fill out the cards. I’ve addressed each basket to its recipient, but I’m sure you’ll want to write in the note yourself.
Fly: No, fuck it. You can do it.
Jade: But…it’s supposed to be personalized. If you can’t even take the time to write the get well soon card, what’s even the point of sending these?
Fly sighs dejectedly.
Fly: Fine. I guess you’re right. Bring me over the first basket.
Jade slides the closest basket on the table over to Fly. She grabs the card out of the basket, opens it up, and set it in front of him.
Jade: It looks like this one is for Isaac Salinger.
Fly nods and grabs a pen. He begins to write on the card, reading his message out loud.
Fly: Issac Salinger. I like your suits. I too am a fan of high end clothing. I’m not a fan of old decrepit wrestlers eating up roster space, though. Don’t take offense to that, I openly admit to ignorance of your background. I’ve seen you around backstage, limping and shit, and it’s just…what the fuck were you thinking? This match consumes even the best, of the best, of the best. Perhaps once upon a time in a land far away you fit that category. Today, you’re just the dude who needs an extra knee brace sent to them in their ‘I’m Sorry I Destroyed You at War’ gift basket from Jonny Fly.
Proud of his work, Fly smiles and sets down his pen. He closes the card and sets it back in its envelope, giving it back to Jade.
Fly: Make sure to put an extra knee brace in this basket. Poor guy needs it. Alright, who’s next?
Jade slides over a second basket, taking out the card and giving it to Fly.
Jade: Tobias Barnz.
Fly: Tobias Barnz. Your last name is spelled wrong. It has to be. I refuse to believe that’s correct. In other news, you’re a freak. Not in a good way. Go eat a cheeseburger. Seven feet tall and 120 pounds? You’re a fuckin light pole, son. Light poles don’t beat motherfuckin’ Jonny Fly. The end.
Satisfied, Fly finishes the card and gives it back to Jade, who’s already supplied him with the next card.
Jade: This one is for Shawn Scholes.
Fly: Shawn Scholes. You’re a jobber. You did jobber stuff. I’m proud of you. If you’re not going to eat the Hot Fries, please send back. One day shipping preferred. Thanks!
Fly finishes the card in record speed, and hands it over to Jade to seal and stick back in the gift basket. She slides over the next card to Fly.
Jade: Next up is Justin Cash.
Fly: Justin Cash. I hope you’re not too disappointed in your War finish. After all, you’re entire purpose in this industry is card filler. I guess in this case it would be called number filler, right? Hell, I don’t know. Keep plugging away, buddy. Think of it this way; Doc Henry is a multiple time Tag Team and Television Title holder, which means anything is possible. Even for you.
With that card completed, Fly moves on to the next one.
Jade: This is for Jahani al-Reb.
Fly: Jahani al-Reb. I like your style, sir. Like me, you’re obscenely rich and very fond of the female sex. We should hang out and go get some bitches one day. You can help me open up my cultural boundaries. If you’re mad about losing to me a War, feel free to send your personal guard to come get me. Please. I’m begging you. Think about it. Okay, bye.
Jade: What's his personal guard?
Fly: Bikini wearing skanks with AK 47’s.
Jade: That sounds like something you would have.
Fly: I KNOW RIGHT!? You should start wearing a bikini at work though, for real.
Jade: Stay focused. The next card is for Daniel Booker.
Fly: Daniel Booker. My man, this one hurts to have to write. I truly believe that one day you’re going to be writing get well soon cards to all the wrestlers you’re going to beat during War. It just wasn’t meant to be this year. I wanted another one. I wanted two in a row. Take solace in the fact that I legitimately didn’t want to have to go through you to do it. I want to see Daniel Booker become the next Jonny Fly. I want to see you leading Pantheon in the future, and I know that’s it in you. See you at the afterparty!
Fly finishes up the letter to his friend Daniel Booker, and hands it over to Jade. She gives him another card to fill out.
Jade: This one is for Kazy Mazy.
Fly: Kazy Mazy. First off, you’re fuckin’ lost. Let’s count all the ways you’re an idiot.
1. There is no Jay Price in WCF.
2. The Price that is in WCF is still a member of Pantheon
3. Jeff Purse is not a member of Pantheon. Did you not watch last week’s show? You didn’t, did you?
4. The @upmyownass twitter handle is already taken.
Seriously man, get it the fuck together. You ought to be embarrassed. Stop trying to act like you know people around here. You don’t know shit. I’m a douche? Uh, yeah, I’m also a professional wrestler. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of me. The name is Jonny Fly – the multi-time War winner, four-time World Champion, and just basically winner of everything ever. Those credentials and my occupation allow for a certain arrogance. What am I supposed to do, pat you on the ass, tell you you’re awesome, and bake you a fuckin’ cake? This is why you lost War. You’re a simpleton. Enjoy obscurity.
Fly finishes the card and hands it over to Jade. She switches it out with the next card.
Jade: We’re on Brent Alpine now.
Fly: Brent Alpine. The Shine! Welcome back. I suppose you were hoping for some grand statement in your return, versus just being another number in a match with a large number of people. The fact is Brent, you’re not worthy of the hype. You won a little bit when you were here before, but traded out any traction you were gaining by joining a talentless and directionless brigade of Flyjobbers that was ripped to shreds by Pantheon. Tough break, homie. I think you have a little bit of talent in you, Brent, but it takes a special sort to win War. You don’t fit the mold. It’s not in you. That’s not a criticism, that’s a fact. You’re no Jonny Fly. That’s why I am where I am, and you’re running around on the midcard gerbil wheel. Good luck with that.
Satisfied with his latest written work, Fly hands the card back to Jade. She passes along the next one for him to fill out.
Jade: That one is for Deuce Murdock.
Fly: Deuce Murdock. First off, I found your personal journals. Jennifer is obviously a slut. Don’t sweat it, bro. She should go fuck herself. Or me. You know, whatever. If you end up killing her, give me a call. I’m a lawyer. I’ll get you off. Wait, I don’t mean that like…sexually…just for clarification. Unless you are actually Jennifer. That’d be some trippy Logan shit. Wait, did I just write that I would bang tranny Deuce Murdock? I think it’d be for the best if you don’t share this card with anyone. Anyway, I’m sorry you lost War. It sounds like you really could have used it. Please accept this as a sincere apology, and get well soon!
With another card finished, Fly hands over the finished product to Jade. She takes it, and gives him the next card to write.
Fly: Bryan “Buzz” Worthy. I consider you a friend. I don’t know if that’s too strong of a word for our relationship, but I respect what you do and have never had any issues with you. That makes you unique amongst the masses. Still, this is a competitive business. You know that. As a competitor, I refuse to allow some reporter to beat me in the biggest match of the year. Could you imagine the perception that would have? It’s disturbing for me to even think about. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad. Also, is this a good time to tell you that you should totally interview me about my big win? Too soon? Let me know!
Jade takes the card from Fly while he takes it upon himself to grab the next one.
Fly: Hyena. You want to know why you didn’t win War? Because Hyena’s are nocturnal, I think, and there were lots of lights on during the match. Most of them shining on me, but still, it’s obvious that you were out of your element. Also, Hyena’s are pack animals, who can’t kill anything without their little buddies. Therein lies another problem, War is a match where you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. It’s just you, and whatever skill you possess, all alone in the ring. Nobody is there to help you, and everyone wants to see you fail. This just wasn’t a match where you were going to succeed. You probably have a decent career ahead of you, but there’s a large gap between you and the top guys in this company. That’s just fact. Best of luck in the future.
Jade: You finished with that one?
Fly: Yep. Who’s next on the list?
Jade: Livewire.
Jade hands him over the next card to fill out.
Fly: Livewire. Grayson Peirce. I tell you what buddy, you’ve had a pretty good start to your career in WCF. I mean, World Title shot in…what?...one month? That’s good shit. I think you’re the first to accomplish that since Nathan von Liebert. Of course, NvL also lost the match, and just like him you proved you weren’t ready to fight with the big boys. The real problem you have Livey, is that you’re weak. I’m not talking about physically. That shit is overrated. I’m talking about mentally. You don’ have that killer instinct. I go into the ring to absolutely punish people. I try to make a statement in every single match that I’m the best wrestler on this fuckin’ planet. You’re out there to pander and entertain. Go ahead, name me the last ‘entertainer’ to win a World Title. No, it’s the ruthless motherfuckers like Nathan, Steve Orbit, and Jonny Fly who’ve gone out there and won that belt over the last year. Let your finish in War be an eye-opening experience. You have a long way to go.
Fly finishes and slides the card across the table to Jade. She sets the card to Livewire in its envelope before reaching over and grabbing the next for…
Jade: It looks like we have Jay Omega next up.
Fly takes the card and begins writing.
Fly: Jay Omega. The United State Champion. Honestly, I really have no problem with you. You might with me, don’t know, don’t care. The only thing I’ll really tell you is that I’ve known A LOT of Jay Omega’s in this industry. You’re a good wrestler – not great. There is nothing distinguishable about you. Like so many, you’re destined for an upper midcard career. You’re the 2014 version of Waylon Cash, a fuckin’ try-hard that could never take that next step – destined to compete for titles nobody really gives a fuck about your entire career. That’s your destiny, my friend. The U.S. Title? That’s nothing. That’s not going to get you where you want to go. War gets you where you want to go, and you didn’t go anywhere. Such is the destiny of The Omega Man.
Fly closes the card for Jay Omega and hands it back to Jade. She gives him the next card.
Fly: Louis Bartkowski. I thought you were gone? Didn’t you lose like every match? Why the hell were you in War? Seriously, you’re only point and purpose was to up some lucky motherfucker’s elimination account. Get the fuck out of my life, jobber.
Satisfied with that, Fly hands Jade the completed card for Louis Bartkowski. He takes hold of the card for the next name on the list.
Jade: This one is for John Gable.
Fly: John Gable. Gobble. Sorry, I just miss calling you that. I liked you better when you were a turkey. I’ve always expected more of you, John. You’re in a club that’s even rarer than War winners. It’s the club of people who’ve managed to pin me. There’s just three members, Steve Orbit, Jay Price, and you. For that reason alone, you should be a multiple time World Champion. You should be a future Hall of Famer. You should have been one of the favorites to win this match. Beating me is no easy task, as dozens and dozens of wrestlers over the years can attest. But you weren’t a favorite, you’ve never won a World Title, you’ve never even come close to the level you should be at - and you only have yourself to blame for these misgivings. My man, there’s a point in every wrestler’s career when they have to pick a road. You either do what it takes to be great, or you fade away into irrelevance. You’re teetering on that edge right now. John Gable is trending downward. What are you going to do about it? Not win War, that’s for damn sure. Just another missed opportunity for a wrestler that’s defined by them. Such a shame.
Finished, Fly slides the card back to Jade. She gives him the next card.
Fly: Zombie McMorris. Oh man, did I hit the nail on the head two weeks ago or what? You’ve truly bottomed out. Do you think ANYONE saw you as a threat going into War? If at some point I found myself in the ring with Jay Omega, John Gable, Livewire, Alex Richards, and Zombie McMorris, guess which one of that group I’d go after? You, Zombo. You’re the weak one. There are no Jonny Fly’s in that group of wrestlers, but there is talent. You have no talent. You’re resigned to being a gimmick champion and twitter troll that’s good for nothing other than ruffling the feathers of rookies. Every month they’re new guys coming in here and pushing you down the line. What’d you finish, 15th? 20th? Fuckin’ pathetic. Stop embarrassing yourself. Grab a knife, hold out your wrist, and slit vertically. End this ridiculous charade already.
Jade: Alright, if you’re done with that, we have Alex Richards’ card to do next.
Fly nods and takes the card for Richards, handing Jade the finished product that will be sent to Zombie McMorris.
Fly: Alex Richards. I do steroids? That’s all you got? Oh...kay. Look you don’t like me, you don’t like Pantheon, it’s all good. If I cared what every jobber thought then I wouldn’t be Jonny Fly, you know what I mean? Still, you’re a fool. I tried to destroy Chelsea’s reputation? Other than the fact that she does a good job of that on her own every time she wrestles, she started shit with me. What the fuck did you expect to happen? Read the name tag. You. Don’t. Fuck. With. Jonny. Fly. That’s like WCF 101. Get educated, son.
Fly finishes the card and hands it over to Jade. She switches it out with the next card.
Jade: We’re on The Ultimate Destroyer.
Fly: The Ultimate Destoyer. Change your name. Right now. It’s so god damn misleading that the Federal Trade Commission should be involved. You’re awful.
With another card finished, Fly moves on to the next one.
Fly: Chelsea Black Armstrong.WE SHOULD TOTALLY ANGER BANG. Would you stop trying to hurt me and my friends? This is Sarah Twilight shit you’re pulling. We don’t need another Sarah Twilight. Just be yourself for fuck sake, a semi-talented card filling woman playing in a man’s world. Now go make me a god damn sandwich. With mayo. And pickles. No wait, I’ll bring the pickle. Good talk. I feel like we’re making progress in our relationship.
Jade takes the completed card for Chelsea from Fly, and hands him his next one.
Jade: That’s for Cormack MacNeill.
Fly: Cormack MacNeill. Spoiler Alert – you didn’t win War. Of course you didn’t win War. Did you have a good showing? I don’t know. I don’t understand the ways an immaterial stiff like you measures success. What I know is what I’ve told you for months now, you can’t get the job done. You’re actions never back your words. Your wrestling skills are minimal, and your track record in this company verifies that fact. You have nothing going for you Cormack. I think it’s time to make a change. Maybe start a bag pipe band or something? I don’t know. Just let this whole ‘I want to be a wrestler!’ thing die. You’re not cutting it.
Jade: I’m not a fan of bag pipes, for the record.
Fly: That’s just because you’re Asian. Give me the next card.
As she’s told, Jade hands Fly the next card to go with the next gift bag.
Jade: This one is for Steeltoe Joe.
Fly: Steeltoe Joe. I don’t know what to make of you anymore, Joe. Once upon a time you were an alright guy. Then you went crazy. Then you went EVER MORE crazy and attacked me a few months back. Now you want to act like that didn’t happen, you’re reformed, and we should bro down. I don’t trust you. Regardless of how I feel about you as a person, this much I’m certain of you as a wrestler – War is not your stage. God himself couldn’t lift you to victory over someone like me. It takes so much more to win this match than you’ve ever shown, in what’s been a long career. It’s back to People’s Title land for you. If you’ve truly reformed, I’m sure you’ll find more success there.
Jade gathers the completed card for Fly, and laughs a little when she sees the name of the next card recipient.
Jade: You’ll enjoy this one. It’s for Biohazard.
Fly: Biohazard. Listen motherfucker, stay away from Walker Flyocker Flame. You’ve never done anything for him. You bring him down. You poison his space werewolf abilities with nonsense like friendship and love. Walker NEEDS to be unleashed on the entire WCF roster. With you around, he’s not focused. He’s out there thinking about rainbows and unicorns and shit. I was too busy winning, so I don’t know if he did in fact eliminate you or not, but I fuckin’ hope so. That’d be the most poetic elimination of the entire match. Anyway, in conclusion, your best friend is mine. Ooze’nt that a bitch?
Jade: Now we have Tyler Walker.
Fly: Who is that?
Jade: Who is Tyler Walker?
Fly: You mean Walker Flyocker Flame?
Jade: Uh…
Fly: Just give me the card.
Fly snatches the card out of Jade’s hand and begins writing.
Fly: Walker Flyocker Flame. You were perhaps my biggest challenge on the way to winning War. Literally and figuratively. You went out there on the biggest stage and showed people that the old Tyler Walker is dead, and in his ashes, Walker Flyocker Flame has risen – and he’s a motherfuckin’ alien assassin. You didn’t win, but that’s acceptable. You can’t expect to learn all I’ve taught you and immediately go out and beat me. It’ll take time, and probably for me to get really, really old. But as a space werewolf who literally never ages, you have plenty of time to wait it out. I’m proud of you. I really want you to know that. Feel free to join with the rest of Pantheon at the afterparty. Don’t bring Biohazard
Satisfied with his heartfelt message to Walker, Fly passes the card back to Jade. She replaces it with another card to fill out.
Fly: Doc Henry. The Flyjobber of all Flyjobbers. How many times have we faced, Doc? 100? 200? A billion? How many of those times have you or whatever team you were on at the time won? None. Zip. Zero. You’re a bottom tier wrestler trying to compete in a match some fuckin’ Hall of Famers can’t win. It’s a recipe for an absolute disaster, and that’s what I’d categorize your performance as being. I don’t know what else there is to say after all these years, Doc. You’ll never be THE guy. You’ll never even be close. You’re barely worth sending this card.
Jade takes the card for Doc Henry from Fly.
Jade: Now we’re on Gravedigger.
Fly: I suppose business is picking up then.
Fly takes the card for Gravedigger and begins writing.
Fly: Gravedigger. I’m happy you’re back. We’ve had our issues in the past, but I think that stuff is mostly in the past. You’re one of the select few in this match that’s won it before. Yes, that was 11 years ago, and means little. Still, you’ve successfully navigated this minefield before, and I can respect that. A grand comeback wasn’t in the works, though. This was my match to win from the very beginning, and your entry didn’t change that. It wasn’t that long ago that Gravedigger and Jonny Fly was a big-time rivalry. You barely slowed me down, Digs. I kept racking up titles, wins, and honors…and you slipped away into obscurity. You might want to have stayed there. WCF is still my world.
Fly hangs back the finished card to Jade.
Jade: We’re up to Jayson Price.
Fly: Jayson Price. My Pantheon bro-rito. I have a lot of respect for you. You’ve done a lot for Pantheon. I don’t like that you weren’t able to give Orbit a better challenge a few months back. You let him off the hook for what he’d done. Still, I’m glad you were able to weasel your way back into the company, and the War match. I didn’t have high hopes for your performance though. I can’t put my finger on it, and I know you’ve had past success in the match, but it just doesn’t seem you ever really WANT it. You seem to put it on cruise control when you should be going full throttle. I don’t know. It’s not my business. You’re as talented as anyone in this company. That’s a fact. I hope you work out the kinks so that maybe next year at War, it’s you holding the torch for Pantheon, and not me.
Fly slides the card back to Jade. She hands him the card.
Jade: That’s for Johnny Reb.
Fly: Johnny Reb. Another former War winner. Of course, you’re only competition that year was Odin Balfore and the field was a little better this time around, wasn’t it? You were never going to win this match. Nobody will ever be able to take that War win away from you, but everything else – the three time World Champion, multiple time Tag Team Champion, all of that is fading fast, Reb. You’re being overshadowed by wrestlers who aren’t half as skilled as you. I don’t get it. Where is the Johnny Reb from when I first started here? Who gives a fuck about the New Confederacy, where’s the man that was the calming force in the Big Dick Superstars Trios Cup win? Where’s the guy people once thought was a sure fire Hall of Famer? He’s gone – that’s where. Of almost anyone I’m sending these cards to, you need to ‘get well’…and soon.
Satisfied with his latest card, Fly finishes and gives it back to Jade. She supplies him with the next card.
Jade: Here’s another one I think you’ll enjoy; Jeff Purse.
Fly hungry-hungry hippos the card out of Jade’s hands, eager to write his card to Purse.
Fly: Jeff Purse. I never had a warm and fuzzy feeling about our supposed reconciliation. I sensed at the time that there was still something not right about you. Now I guess I know, since you’re out there playing with puppets and shit. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the hell has happened to you? Two years ago you were on top of the world - perhaps the most unlikely of War winners in history. You did something people like Torture, Bobby Cairo, Slickie T, and Corey Black have never done. But you’ve never come close to that same success. You’ve never won another World Title. You got your ass kicked by Eric Price a hundred times. Then you were hurt. Then you were brainwashed by Twilight. Then you were angry with me. Then you weren’t angry at me. Now you’re ‘The Rapture.’
You don’t know what the fuck you are Jeff, but I do. You’re a desperate man trying to find his way back to the Promised Land. Your career is staler than Zombie McMorris’ putdowns, and you fuckin’ know it. Long gone are the people who think Jeff Purse is ‘the future’ of this company. The future came, and is now the past – and your past is littered with disappointment. What you want is to be me, to be Jonny Fly. You want to be the motherfucker everyone fears. You want to be the future Hall of Famer, and multi-time World Champion. You want to be great, but you’re not, so you’ve resorted to gimmicks to fill that void. Jeff, buddy, it’s not going to work. First off, you just made an enemy out of a man who’ve you’ve NEVER been able to beat, despite multiple chances. Then you pissed off an entire group of people who are better than you. You’re already buried, my friend. Welcome back to my shadow. Enjoy it, because I most certainly will.
Fly casually closes the card and smiles proudly as he hands it back over to Jade.
Fly: Alright, who’s the next victim?
Jade: Bobby Cairo is the next card.
Fly: Bobby Cairo. I shall now refer to you as Robobby Cairo. Truthfully, you’re the biggest hypocrite in this company. On one hand you state, multiple times I’ll point out, that you’re not jealous of me. Though, stating that multiple times seems to…you know…imply the exact opposite. You’re out there saying it’s 2014, which means I’m no longer relevant. I’m old news. I’m washed up. Maybe if that was coming from ICE Beckman it’d have some substance, but you’re not Beckman. You’re Robobby Cairo. The man who hasn’t REALLY done jack shit in seven motherfuckin’ years. I mean, did you really infer that you’re harder working than me? That had to be a joke. You can’ be THAT fucking stupid. Not my Cairo, not the man I once admired and brought into Pantheon.
Uncle Robobby, buddy, showing up a couple times a year for a month here, month there, match here, match there, that’s not hard working. Go get a fuckin’ Webster’s and look up some definitions. Better yet, there’s probably someone you can hire on Craigslist who will help you take that head out of your ass. That’s a big head, right? You’ve brought NOTHING to the table for years. Here’s the facts – you do less than me in this company, and you’re less successful at it. Even if you’re not jealous of, as a competitor in this industry, you SHOULD be. What I've accomplished in such a short time is awe-inspiring. In other words, it's REALLY, REALLY fuckin' thick.
But hey, that’s just like me, right? I’m the egotist of the two of us! You…you’re what…humble? Watch your own promos for fuck sake. We’re no different from another, I guess other than the pageantry you put into your act. You’re out there playing the part of King talking to peasants. I just tell people I’m going to fuckin’ beat them, and then I go out and do it. Some get butthurt about it, some respect it, whatever. You tell people you’re better than all of them, and then disappear, and then come back, and then talk down to everyone, and then disappear. Uh, King, my liege, you’re not fuckin’ doing it right. I mean, don’t behead me or whatever, but I’m pretty sure a King is supposed to be a leader. Like me or not, I lead by example. If everyone followed your example…we’d have like two fuckin’ shows a year.
You’re a hypocrite, Cairo. I don’t even think you’re a bad wrestler. In fact, you’re an outstanding wrestler. One of the best. You were in War all the way until the end, but just like last year you came up short. I suppose next time you grace us with your presence there will be some grand conspiracy theory as to why you lost, right? I always love those. Enjoy the hot fries.
Fly finishes up the card and hands it over to Jade. She immediately replaces it with a new one.
Fly: Torture. As in, I’d rather be fuckin’ tortured than watch this god damn jobber parade around like its 2006 and he’s still relevant. I’m serious, the next time you show up on television I’m having someone water board me. That’s much better than watching you do your standard little run-in, pandering to the fans routine, and then disappearing for the next six months. I’m tired of people around here reminiscing about the past. They need to take those scratched and worn Torture DVD’s out of the player. I almost feel bad for them, for what they had to bear witness to at War. What their eyes saw most certainly will dilute the memories of yesteryear when you had your run of this place. Seriously, it’s not that big of a deal. This happens to every wrestler. One day it’s sure to happen to me…but that day is not here, and that person is not Torture. Outlasting you at War was just a little carrot for me. A little something extra that I got to achieve on my path to the accomplishment to end all accomplishments. Also, what was it like having your dick split in two and inverted to create that vagina you wear so proudly? Accept my match, fucker. Let me put you on my mantle – another legend whose career is eaten away by the unstoppable force that is Jonny Fly.
Jade takes the card from Fly, and hands him the very last one.
Jade: Last up…Steve Orbit.
Fly: It’s about god damn time.
Fly: Steve Orbit. You’ve been up to…well, nothing, since we last parted ways. You’re not doing anything. You’re certainly not defending that Hardcore Title. You’re just wrestling in a bunch of nondescript matches. Hell, you’re not even important enough to get attacked every week by some jealous bitch, like me. Now you’re getting a Tag Team title shot as a reward from being as irrelevant as a two-time World Champion can be over the last two months? Such is the cushy life for a rival of Jonny Fly. Can I be honest for a second? I’m fairly certain Seth would give someone with a grudge against me ANYTHING, should it mean screwing me or Pantheon over. He’s always good for that.
Fly writes the following on the card in quotations, as if Seth Lerch himself was saying it.
“Oh, shit I forgot to give Fly and Black the Tag Title shot they won three months ago. Fine, let them have it. Oh, they won? Shit. Better put the current and former World Champions together to try and get it off of them as soon as possible.”
Fly shakes his head and continues writing his card.
Fly: I mean are you kidding me? Black and I are defending the Tag Team titles this week, with both of us entering War later in the night. All the while Beckman’s only World Title defense consisted of beating two fuckin’ rookies and while you’ve done shit with the Hardcore Title in two months. Now you both get a chance at a SECOND belt? I’m convinced this is what you wanted, Steve. You didn’t grow tired of being in Pantheon, or tired of the people in Pantheon. You weren’t disrespected or held down. You simply got tired of doing things the hard way. THE RIGHT WAY.
You were tired of being the target, versus the motherfucker holding the arrow. You took the easy way out. That five months of reigning over this company as its Word Champion, and the trials that come with that, ate you up. That’s what changed Steve Orbit. That’s why you joined with the man who beat you and his looney tune stable. You no longer wanted to bear the responsibility and burden that comes with being a member of Pantheon. You wanted to go back to playing supporting actor, versus feature performer. It’s easier. Being THE MAN is tougher than it looks. Having to go out and headline every show, win every match, and each month in front of hundreds and hundreds of thousands of fans, you have to tear your fuckin’ heart out to beat some upstart motherfucker who’s trying to take away your pride, glory, and respect…the item that makes it all worth it – that WCF World Title.
Fly discontinues writing and looks up at Jade.
Fly: Uh, I ran out of space. I need another card.
Jade looks around the table and grabs the card that’s intended for Corey Black.
Jade: You just want to use this one?
Fly: Yeah, that works. CD doesn’t need a get well soon card, he’s fine.
Fly takes the card from Jade and scratches out Corey Black’s name before continuing with his card to Steve Orbit.
Fly:Corey Black. The fact is, you folded. You’re a grown man who bowed the fuck out like a bitch. THE GREAT STEVE ORBIT, tired of holding the torch, resigned to simply slot himself underneath ICE Beckman in his own stable, on the card, and in the minds of every single fan who watches the WCF. People ask me why I’ve never sought retribution against you for turning on Pantheon. The answer is simple, I didn’t need to. You destroyed yourself. This is why you’ll NEVER be better than me. That’s why the hierarchy of this company over the last three years starts with Jonny Fly, and not Steve Orbit. I relish what you’ve run from. Torture, Chelsea Black Armstrong, and Jeff Purse all want to attack me? Good. BRING IT. I can take it.
If I lost Ultimate Showdown, after busting my ass for five months AND after having to defend against Logan the week before, I’d have marched into Seth’s office and tossed that motherfucker against the wall and FORCED him to sign a rematch that fuckin’ second. You went out to dinner with Buddy Roman, drank tea, sucked each other’s dicks, cried on each other’s shoulders, and bonded like he was your long lost father. Roman had all the answers you were seeking. He was going to help you take that next step in your career. Well…where the fuck is that next step? WHERE IS IT, STEVE? What the fuck are you doing? You’re a proud African-American man out there calling some ugly white fuck DADDY. An unbeatable World Champion just TWO MONTHS AGO, resigned to the midcard, carrying around a gimmick title, and playing sidekick to some dumb shit who YOU_ARE_BETTER_THAN.
Fly pauses and sets down his pen. He stares at the card for a couple of seconds, before muttering the following…
Fly: Un-fucking-believable.
Jade: What?
Fly: Orbit. I’ll never understand. This was a man at the top of the world, and he’s now…whatever the fuck he is. It’s NOT the Steve Orbit that was in Pantheon. He’s not the same person or wrestler. Now I get to face him twice on Sunday, the Tag Titles match and War match. I’m sure once the riff-raff is sifted through, at some point, Orbit and I will find one another in the midst of the craziness. Last year Cairo eliminated him, and I took advantage by eliminating Cairo right afterward. This year I want that for myself. I want Orbit’s head. I want it twice, with a side of ICE Beckman in the early match.
Jade: It does seem to be a huge night for you. Defending a title and trying to win War in the same night, that’s tough.
Fly: If anyone can do it’s me. If there’s any team that can beat ICE and Orbit, it’s Corey Black and I. As far as I’m concerned with ICE, I’ve seen a lot of World Champions come and go in this company. I understand as well as anyone what it takes to win a WCF World Title. I’m even one of the few that knows what it takes to win Ultimate Showdown. I know what it takes to beat Steve Orbit. I know all of this. Everything he’s done this last year, I’ve done it…years ago. So, forgive me for one moment if I take the time to remind everyone, that he’s still the second best wrestler in his own stable. In that tag match, it’s Orbit that I’m worried about. Worried might not be the right word, let’s just say he’s the only one I care about. To me, ICE is just the other guy on that team. His World Title means nothing right now, not yet, not until I win War. This rivalry between Orbit and I goes back much further than ICE has been around. It’s bigger than him. He can worry about Corey Black. Orbit is mine.
Jade: But…it really doesn’t work like that. You’re going to have to wrestle Beckman.
Fly: So be it. I’m just saying, ICE can go fuck himself. He expects everyone to bow down to him because he’s the World Champion. I don’t mean to hurt his poor ego, but in the scheme of things he still isn’t shit. At least not to me. If he left this company today nobody would remember him in six months. This tag match, to me it’s about Steve Orbit and Jonny Fly. This is bigger than Beckman, bigger than the Tag Titles, and after last year, it’s bigger than that World Title. If I succeed in doing nothing but tiring Orbit during the Tag Title match just so that I can eliminate him later in the night during the War match, I’ll be content with that too. I’m going out there to defend those belts, absolutely. If all I walk out of the arena on Sunday with is a War win and getting some retribution on Steve Orbit, I’m good with that.
Jade: That match really means a lot to you, huh?
Fly: This match is everything. Everything else anyone will ever do in WCF pales in comparison to winning War. Taking home the World Title at Blast, Revenge, or some other random PPV? That’s cute, but ultimately forgettable if you don’t follow it up with extended success. This is the ultimate test of skill, determination, and guile. Only the REALLY GOOD have a chance to win. That’s the power of this match. It gives everyone a chance to dream, but only a select few a shot at immortality. I’m one of maybe…four…five…wrestlers who you can expect to see there at the end. The rest will fight for pride and exposure. When the hours start to add up, their perseverance will fade. Instincts will fail them, and maneuvers will become weaker. Their minds will strain, unsure all of a sudden if they have what it takes to go the distance. Then, one of this company’s biggest predators will sense weakness, and quickly it will all be over.
Last year I was the fourth entrant into the match. I had to craft a strategy on the run. There were periods where I rested and relaxed. I left the whoeverthefucks to fight one another, strategically picking my spots, and always watching my back. I’m a target by default. This match brings danger from all corners. Still, my plan worked. This year it might have to be different. I might come in late, fresh, and need to quickly eliminate some of my main competition while I have the advantage in stamina. That’s what makes this match so difficult. How do you prepare? At the end of the day, you just have to be better than the person you’re squaring up against – and that bodes well for me. Whether it’s Steve Orbit, Bobby Cairo, Jeff Purse, Gravedigger, or even Jayson Price and Corey Black, I can beat them…and I will beat them…plus the rest of the roster…and prove once and for all that I’m the most dominant wrestler in this company’s history.
Jade smiles. She rises out of her seat and looks around at all the gift baskets and cards sitting in the kitchen.
Jade: Well, it looks like I have some mailings to do.
Fly nods his head in agreement.
Fly: I hope they all know this is from the heart.
Sarcastic smile alert. The scene comes to a close with a close up of Fly smirking as he watches his assistant gather up all the baskets to take to be mailed.
Fly: This is called efficiency, Jade. As my assistant, that’s a term that you should embrace and use in all parts of your duties.
Jade: I know what efficiency is, Jonny. This isn’t efficiency. This is arrogance.
Fly: Sometimes those can be the same thing.
Jade: Would you care to explain how that’s possible?
Fly thinks about it for a moment, and comes up with nothing. Instead of answering the question he decides to shrug it off.
Fly: Look, once I win War I’m going to be too busy celebrating to do this. I want people to know that what I do to them on Sunday isn’t personal. What better way than to send them a ‘Get Well Soon’ gift basket!?
Jade: They’re going to get the bags before the match even happens!
Fly: Well maybe, but at least they’ll get one! It’s much better than me smacking the shit out of them, and then going out and celebrating and not acknowledging their misfortune at all. I truly feel bad for what’s going to happen. Everyone is out there working so fuckin’ hard, but there can only be one winner (and highlander), and I’m going out there to make sure that person is me. That doesn’t mean I can’t respect the trials the rest of the Flyjobbers are going to endure.
Jade: If you really felt bad for them, maybe not always call them Flyjobbers?
Fly: But…that’s their names.
Jade: No, they have actual names.
Fly: Are you telling me that one dude’s name is actually Hyena? Come on, most of these people are using stage names. Flyjobber is my collective nickname for the group. It’s much easier than trying to remember all their names. Let’s face it, the bottom of our roster is constantly churning. I don’t have time to remember the two-week warriors.
Jade just shakes her head at the response.
Jade: Alright, whatever.
Fly: Good. Now, did you do what I asked you to do?
Jade: Yes, there are 30 gift baskets here. All have been stocked with bandages, back braces, knee braces, bottles of Tylenol, tampons, and bags of hot fries.
Fly: Perfect.
Jade: The only other thing we need to do is fill out the cards. I’ve addressed each basket to its recipient, but I’m sure you’ll want to write in the note yourself.
Fly: No, fuck it. You can do it.
Jade: But…it’s supposed to be personalized. If you can’t even take the time to write the get well soon card, what’s even the point of sending these?
Fly sighs dejectedly.
Fly: Fine. I guess you’re right. Bring me over the first basket.
Jade slides the closest basket on the table over to Fly. She grabs the card out of the basket, opens it up, and set it in front of him.
Jade: It looks like this one is for Isaac Salinger.
Fly nods and grabs a pen. He begins to write on the card, reading his message out loud.
Fly: Issac Salinger. I like your suits. I too am a fan of high end clothing. I’m not a fan of old decrepit wrestlers eating up roster space, though. Don’t take offense to that, I openly admit to ignorance of your background. I’ve seen you around backstage, limping and shit, and it’s just…what the fuck were you thinking? This match consumes even the best, of the best, of the best. Perhaps once upon a time in a land far away you fit that category. Today, you’re just the dude who needs an extra knee brace sent to them in their ‘I’m Sorry I Destroyed You at War’ gift basket from Jonny Fly.
Proud of his work, Fly smiles and sets down his pen. He closes the card and sets it back in its envelope, giving it back to Jade.
Fly: Make sure to put an extra knee brace in this basket. Poor guy needs it. Alright, who’s next?
Jade slides over a second basket, taking out the card and giving it to Fly.
Jade: Tobias Barnz.
Fly: Tobias Barnz. Your last name is spelled wrong. It has to be. I refuse to believe that’s correct. In other news, you’re a freak. Not in a good way. Go eat a cheeseburger. Seven feet tall and 120 pounds? You’re a fuckin light pole, son. Light poles don’t beat motherfuckin’ Jonny Fly. The end.
Satisfied, Fly finishes the card and gives it back to Jade, who’s already supplied him with the next card.
Jade: This one is for Shawn Scholes.
Fly: Shawn Scholes. You’re a jobber. You did jobber stuff. I’m proud of you. If you’re not going to eat the Hot Fries, please send back. One day shipping preferred. Thanks!
Fly finishes the card in record speed, and hands it over to Jade to seal and stick back in the gift basket. She slides over the next card to Fly.
Jade: Next up is Justin Cash.
Fly: Justin Cash. I hope you’re not too disappointed in your War finish. After all, you’re entire purpose in this industry is card filler. I guess in this case it would be called number filler, right? Hell, I don’t know. Keep plugging away, buddy. Think of it this way; Doc Henry is a multiple time Tag Team and Television Title holder, which means anything is possible. Even for you.
With that card completed, Fly moves on to the next one.
Jade: This is for Jahani al-Reb.
Fly: Jahani al-Reb. I like your style, sir. Like me, you’re obscenely rich and very fond of the female sex. We should hang out and go get some bitches one day. You can help me open up my cultural boundaries. If you’re mad about losing to me a War, feel free to send your personal guard to come get me. Please. I’m begging you. Think about it. Okay, bye.
Jade: What's his personal guard?
Fly: Bikini wearing skanks with AK 47’s.
Jade: That sounds like something you would have.
Fly: I KNOW RIGHT!? You should start wearing a bikini at work though, for real.
Jade: Stay focused. The next card is for Daniel Booker.
Fly: Daniel Booker. My man, this one hurts to have to write. I truly believe that one day you’re going to be writing get well soon cards to all the wrestlers you’re going to beat during War. It just wasn’t meant to be this year. I wanted another one. I wanted two in a row. Take solace in the fact that I legitimately didn’t want to have to go through you to do it. I want to see Daniel Booker become the next Jonny Fly. I want to see you leading Pantheon in the future, and I know that’s it in you. See you at the afterparty!
Fly finishes up the letter to his friend Daniel Booker, and hands it over to Jade. She gives him another card to fill out.
Jade: This one is for Kazy Mazy.
Fly: Kazy Mazy. First off, you’re fuckin’ lost. Let’s count all the ways you’re an idiot.
1. There is no Jay Price in WCF.
2. The Price that is in WCF is still a member of Pantheon
3. Jeff Purse is not a member of Pantheon. Did you not watch last week’s show? You didn’t, did you?
4. The @upmyownass twitter handle is already taken.
Seriously man, get it the fuck together. You ought to be embarrassed. Stop trying to act like you know people around here. You don’t know shit. I’m a douche? Uh, yeah, I’m also a professional wrestler. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of me. The name is Jonny Fly – the multi-time War winner, four-time World Champion, and just basically winner of everything ever. Those credentials and my occupation allow for a certain arrogance. What am I supposed to do, pat you on the ass, tell you you’re awesome, and bake you a fuckin’ cake? This is why you lost War. You’re a simpleton. Enjoy obscurity.
Fly finishes the card and hands it over to Jade. She switches it out with the next card.
Jade: We’re on Brent Alpine now.
Fly: Brent Alpine. The Shine! Welcome back. I suppose you were hoping for some grand statement in your return, versus just being another number in a match with a large number of people. The fact is Brent, you’re not worthy of the hype. You won a little bit when you were here before, but traded out any traction you were gaining by joining a talentless and directionless brigade of Flyjobbers that was ripped to shreds by Pantheon. Tough break, homie. I think you have a little bit of talent in you, Brent, but it takes a special sort to win War. You don’t fit the mold. It’s not in you. That’s not a criticism, that’s a fact. You’re no Jonny Fly. That’s why I am where I am, and you’re running around on the midcard gerbil wheel. Good luck with that.
Satisfied with his latest written work, Fly hands the card back to Jade. She passes along the next one for him to fill out.
Jade: That one is for Deuce Murdock.
Fly: Deuce Murdock. First off, I found your personal journals. Jennifer is obviously a slut. Don’t sweat it, bro. She should go fuck herself. Or me. You know, whatever. If you end up killing her, give me a call. I’m a lawyer. I’ll get you off. Wait, I don’t mean that like…sexually…just for clarification. Unless you are actually Jennifer. That’d be some trippy Logan shit. Wait, did I just write that I would bang tranny Deuce Murdock? I think it’d be for the best if you don’t share this card with anyone. Anyway, I’m sorry you lost War. It sounds like you really could have used it. Please accept this as a sincere apology, and get well soon!
With another card finished, Fly hands over the finished product to Jade. She takes it, and gives him the next card to write.
Fly: Bryan “Buzz” Worthy. I consider you a friend. I don’t know if that’s too strong of a word for our relationship, but I respect what you do and have never had any issues with you. That makes you unique amongst the masses. Still, this is a competitive business. You know that. As a competitor, I refuse to allow some reporter to beat me in the biggest match of the year. Could you imagine the perception that would have? It’s disturbing for me to even think about. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad. Also, is this a good time to tell you that you should totally interview me about my big win? Too soon? Let me know!
Jade takes the card from Fly while he takes it upon himself to grab the next one.
Fly: Hyena. You want to know why you didn’t win War? Because Hyena’s are nocturnal, I think, and there were lots of lights on during the match. Most of them shining on me, but still, it’s obvious that you were out of your element. Also, Hyena’s are pack animals, who can’t kill anything without their little buddies. Therein lies another problem, War is a match where you can’t rely on anyone but yourself. It’s just you, and whatever skill you possess, all alone in the ring. Nobody is there to help you, and everyone wants to see you fail. This just wasn’t a match where you were going to succeed. You probably have a decent career ahead of you, but there’s a large gap between you and the top guys in this company. That’s just fact. Best of luck in the future.
Jade: You finished with that one?
Fly: Yep. Who’s next on the list?
Jade: Livewire.
Jade hands him over the next card to fill out.
Fly: Livewire. Grayson Peirce. I tell you what buddy, you’ve had a pretty good start to your career in WCF. I mean, World Title shot in…what?...one month? That’s good shit. I think you’re the first to accomplish that since Nathan von Liebert. Of course, NvL also lost the match, and just like him you proved you weren’t ready to fight with the big boys. The real problem you have Livey, is that you’re weak. I’m not talking about physically. That shit is overrated. I’m talking about mentally. You don’ have that killer instinct. I go into the ring to absolutely punish people. I try to make a statement in every single match that I’m the best wrestler on this fuckin’ planet. You’re out there to pander and entertain. Go ahead, name me the last ‘entertainer’ to win a World Title. No, it’s the ruthless motherfuckers like Nathan, Steve Orbit, and Jonny Fly who’ve gone out there and won that belt over the last year. Let your finish in War be an eye-opening experience. You have a long way to go.
Fly finishes and slides the card across the table to Jade. She sets the card to Livewire in its envelope before reaching over and grabbing the next for…
Jade: It looks like we have Jay Omega next up.
Fly takes the card and begins writing.
Fly: Jay Omega. The United State Champion. Honestly, I really have no problem with you. You might with me, don’t know, don’t care. The only thing I’ll really tell you is that I’ve known A LOT of Jay Omega’s in this industry. You’re a good wrestler – not great. There is nothing distinguishable about you. Like so many, you’re destined for an upper midcard career. You’re the 2014 version of Waylon Cash, a fuckin’ try-hard that could never take that next step – destined to compete for titles nobody really gives a fuck about your entire career. That’s your destiny, my friend. The U.S. Title? That’s nothing. That’s not going to get you where you want to go. War gets you where you want to go, and you didn’t go anywhere. Such is the destiny of The Omega Man.
Fly closes the card for Jay Omega and hands it back to Jade. She gives him the next card.
Fly: Louis Bartkowski. I thought you were gone? Didn’t you lose like every match? Why the hell were you in War? Seriously, you’re only point and purpose was to up some lucky motherfucker’s elimination account. Get the fuck out of my life, jobber.
Satisfied with that, Fly hands Jade the completed card for Louis Bartkowski. He takes hold of the card for the next name on the list.
Jade: This one is for John Gable.
Fly: John Gable. Gobble. Sorry, I just miss calling you that. I liked you better when you were a turkey. I’ve always expected more of you, John. You’re in a club that’s even rarer than War winners. It’s the club of people who’ve managed to pin me. There’s just three members, Steve Orbit, Jay Price, and you. For that reason alone, you should be a multiple time World Champion. You should be a future Hall of Famer. You should have been one of the favorites to win this match. Beating me is no easy task, as dozens and dozens of wrestlers over the years can attest. But you weren’t a favorite, you’ve never won a World Title, you’ve never even come close to the level you should be at - and you only have yourself to blame for these misgivings. My man, there’s a point in every wrestler’s career when they have to pick a road. You either do what it takes to be great, or you fade away into irrelevance. You’re teetering on that edge right now. John Gable is trending downward. What are you going to do about it? Not win War, that’s for damn sure. Just another missed opportunity for a wrestler that’s defined by them. Such a shame.
Finished, Fly slides the card back to Jade. She gives him the next card.
Fly: Zombie McMorris. Oh man, did I hit the nail on the head two weeks ago or what? You’ve truly bottomed out. Do you think ANYONE saw you as a threat going into War? If at some point I found myself in the ring with Jay Omega, John Gable, Livewire, Alex Richards, and Zombie McMorris, guess which one of that group I’d go after? You, Zombo. You’re the weak one. There are no Jonny Fly’s in that group of wrestlers, but there is talent. You have no talent. You’re resigned to being a gimmick champion and twitter troll that’s good for nothing other than ruffling the feathers of rookies. Every month they’re new guys coming in here and pushing you down the line. What’d you finish, 15th? 20th? Fuckin’ pathetic. Stop embarrassing yourself. Grab a knife, hold out your wrist, and slit vertically. End this ridiculous charade already.
Jade: Alright, if you’re done with that, we have Alex Richards’ card to do next.
Fly nods and takes the card for Richards, handing Jade the finished product that will be sent to Zombie McMorris.
Fly: Alex Richards. I do steroids? That’s all you got? Oh...kay. Look you don’t like me, you don’t like Pantheon, it’s all good. If I cared what every jobber thought then I wouldn’t be Jonny Fly, you know what I mean? Still, you’re a fool. I tried to destroy Chelsea’s reputation? Other than the fact that she does a good job of that on her own every time she wrestles, she started shit with me. What the fuck did you expect to happen? Read the name tag. You. Don’t. Fuck. With. Jonny. Fly. That’s like WCF 101. Get educated, son.
Fly finishes the card and hands it over to Jade. She switches it out with the next card.
Jade: We’re on The Ultimate Destroyer.
Fly: The Ultimate Destoyer. Change your name. Right now. It’s so god damn misleading that the Federal Trade Commission should be involved. You’re awful.
With another card finished, Fly moves on to the next one.
Fly: Chelsea Black Armstrong.
Jade takes the completed card for Chelsea from Fly, and hands him his next one.
Jade: That’s for Cormack MacNeill.
Fly: Cormack MacNeill. Spoiler Alert – you didn’t win War. Of course you didn’t win War. Did you have a good showing? I don’t know. I don’t understand the ways an immaterial stiff like you measures success. What I know is what I’ve told you for months now, you can’t get the job done. You’re actions never back your words. Your wrestling skills are minimal, and your track record in this company verifies that fact. You have nothing going for you Cormack. I think it’s time to make a change. Maybe start a bag pipe band or something? I don’t know. Just let this whole ‘I want to be a wrestler!’ thing die. You’re not cutting it.
Jade: I’m not a fan of bag pipes, for the record.
Fly: That’s just because you’re Asian. Give me the next card.
As she’s told, Jade hands Fly the next card to go with the next gift bag.
Jade: This one is for Steeltoe Joe.
Fly: Steeltoe Joe. I don’t know what to make of you anymore, Joe. Once upon a time you were an alright guy. Then you went crazy. Then you went EVER MORE crazy and attacked me a few months back. Now you want to act like that didn’t happen, you’re reformed, and we should bro down. I don’t trust you. Regardless of how I feel about you as a person, this much I’m certain of you as a wrestler – War is not your stage. God himself couldn’t lift you to victory over someone like me. It takes so much more to win this match than you’ve ever shown, in what’s been a long career. It’s back to People’s Title land for you. If you’ve truly reformed, I’m sure you’ll find more success there.
Jade gathers the completed card for Fly, and laughs a little when she sees the name of the next card recipient.
Jade: You’ll enjoy this one. It’s for Biohazard.
Fly: Biohazard. Listen motherfucker, stay away from Walker Flyocker Flame. You’ve never done anything for him. You bring him down. You poison his space werewolf abilities with nonsense like friendship and love. Walker NEEDS to be unleashed on the entire WCF roster. With you around, he’s not focused. He’s out there thinking about rainbows and unicorns and shit. I was too busy winning, so I don’t know if he did in fact eliminate you or not, but I fuckin’ hope so. That’d be the most poetic elimination of the entire match. Anyway, in conclusion, your best friend is mine. Ooze’nt that a bitch?
Jade: Now we have Tyler Walker.
Fly: Who is that?
Jade: Who is Tyler Walker?
Fly: You mean Walker Flyocker Flame?
Jade: Uh…
Fly: Just give me the card.
Fly snatches the card out of Jade’s hand and begins writing.
Fly: Walker Flyocker Flame. You were perhaps my biggest challenge on the way to winning War. Literally and figuratively. You went out there on the biggest stage and showed people that the old Tyler Walker is dead, and in his ashes, Walker Flyocker Flame has risen – and he’s a motherfuckin’ alien assassin. You didn’t win, but that’s acceptable. You can’t expect to learn all I’ve taught you and immediately go out and beat me. It’ll take time, and probably for me to get really, really old. But as a space werewolf who literally never ages, you have plenty of time to wait it out. I’m proud of you. I really want you to know that. Feel free to join with the rest of Pantheon at the afterparty. Don’t bring Biohazard
Satisfied with his heartfelt message to Walker, Fly passes the card back to Jade. She replaces it with another card to fill out.
Fly: Doc Henry. The Flyjobber of all Flyjobbers. How many times have we faced, Doc? 100? 200? A billion? How many of those times have you or whatever team you were on at the time won? None. Zip. Zero. You’re a bottom tier wrestler trying to compete in a match some fuckin’ Hall of Famers can’t win. It’s a recipe for an absolute disaster, and that’s what I’d categorize your performance as being. I don’t know what else there is to say after all these years, Doc. You’ll never be THE guy. You’ll never even be close. You’re barely worth sending this card.
Jade takes the card for Doc Henry from Fly.
Jade: Now we’re on Gravedigger.
Fly: I suppose business is picking up then.
Fly takes the card for Gravedigger and begins writing.
Fly: Gravedigger. I’m happy you’re back. We’ve had our issues in the past, but I think that stuff is mostly in the past. You’re one of the select few in this match that’s won it before. Yes, that was 11 years ago, and means little. Still, you’ve successfully navigated this minefield before, and I can respect that. A grand comeback wasn’t in the works, though. This was my match to win from the very beginning, and your entry didn’t change that. It wasn’t that long ago that Gravedigger and Jonny Fly was a big-time rivalry. You barely slowed me down, Digs. I kept racking up titles, wins, and honors…and you slipped away into obscurity. You might want to have stayed there. WCF is still my world.
Fly hangs back the finished card to Jade.
Jade: We’re up to Jayson Price.
Fly: Jayson Price. My Pantheon bro-rito. I have a lot of respect for you. You’ve done a lot for Pantheon. I don’t like that you weren’t able to give Orbit a better challenge a few months back. You let him off the hook for what he’d done. Still, I’m glad you were able to weasel your way back into the company, and the War match. I didn’t have high hopes for your performance though. I can’t put my finger on it, and I know you’ve had past success in the match, but it just doesn’t seem you ever really WANT it. You seem to put it on cruise control when you should be going full throttle. I don’t know. It’s not my business. You’re as talented as anyone in this company. That’s a fact. I hope you work out the kinks so that maybe next year at War, it’s you holding the torch for Pantheon, and not me.
Fly slides the card back to Jade. She hands him the card.
Jade: That’s for Johnny Reb.
Fly: Johnny Reb. Another former War winner. Of course, you’re only competition that year was Odin Balfore and the field was a little better this time around, wasn’t it? You were never going to win this match. Nobody will ever be able to take that War win away from you, but everything else – the three time World Champion, multiple time Tag Team Champion, all of that is fading fast, Reb. You’re being overshadowed by wrestlers who aren’t half as skilled as you. I don’t get it. Where is the Johnny Reb from when I first started here? Who gives a fuck about the New Confederacy, where’s the man that was the calming force in the Big Dick Superstars Trios Cup win? Where’s the guy people once thought was a sure fire Hall of Famer? He’s gone – that’s where. Of almost anyone I’m sending these cards to, you need to ‘get well’…and soon.
Satisfied with his latest card, Fly finishes and gives it back to Jade. She supplies him with the next card.
Jade: Here’s another one I think you’ll enjoy; Jeff Purse.
Fly hungry-hungry hippos the card out of Jade’s hands, eager to write his card to Purse.
Fly: Jeff Purse. I never had a warm and fuzzy feeling about our supposed reconciliation. I sensed at the time that there was still something not right about you. Now I guess I know, since you’re out there playing with puppets and shit. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the hell has happened to you? Two years ago you were on top of the world - perhaps the most unlikely of War winners in history. You did something people like Torture, Bobby Cairo, Slickie T, and Corey Black have never done. But you’ve never come close to that same success. You’ve never won another World Title. You got your ass kicked by Eric Price a hundred times. Then you were hurt. Then you were brainwashed by Twilight. Then you were angry with me. Then you weren’t angry at me. Now you’re ‘The Rapture.’
You don’t know what the fuck you are Jeff, but I do. You’re a desperate man trying to find his way back to the Promised Land. Your career is staler than Zombie McMorris’ putdowns, and you fuckin’ know it. Long gone are the people who think Jeff Purse is ‘the future’ of this company. The future came, and is now the past – and your past is littered with disappointment. What you want is to be me, to be Jonny Fly. You want to be the motherfucker everyone fears. You want to be the future Hall of Famer, and multi-time World Champion. You want to be great, but you’re not, so you’ve resorted to gimmicks to fill that void. Jeff, buddy, it’s not going to work. First off, you just made an enemy out of a man who’ve you’ve NEVER been able to beat, despite multiple chances. Then you pissed off an entire group of people who are better than you. You’re already buried, my friend. Welcome back to my shadow. Enjoy it, because I most certainly will.
Fly casually closes the card and smiles proudly as he hands it back over to Jade.
Fly: Alright, who’s the next victim?
Jade: Bobby Cairo is the next card.
Fly: Bobby Cairo. I shall now refer to you as Robobby Cairo. Truthfully, you’re the biggest hypocrite in this company. On one hand you state, multiple times I’ll point out, that you’re not jealous of me. Though, stating that multiple times seems to…you know…imply the exact opposite. You’re out there saying it’s 2014, which means I’m no longer relevant. I’m old news. I’m washed up. Maybe if that was coming from ICE Beckman it’d have some substance, but you’re not Beckman. You’re Robobby Cairo. The man who hasn’t REALLY done jack shit in seven motherfuckin’ years. I mean, did you really infer that you’re harder working than me? That had to be a joke. You can’ be THAT fucking stupid. Not my Cairo, not the man I once admired and brought into Pantheon.
Uncle Robobby, buddy, showing up a couple times a year for a month here, month there, match here, match there, that’s not hard working. Go get a fuckin’ Webster’s and look up some definitions. Better yet, there’s probably someone you can hire on Craigslist who will help you take that head out of your ass. That’s a big head, right? You’ve brought NOTHING to the table for years. Here’s the facts – you do less than me in this company, and you’re less successful at it. Even if you’re not jealous of, as a competitor in this industry, you SHOULD be. What I've accomplished in such a short time is awe-inspiring. In other words, it's REALLY, REALLY fuckin' thick.
But hey, that’s just like me, right? I’m the egotist of the two of us! You…you’re what…humble? Watch your own promos for fuck sake. We’re no different from another, I guess other than the pageantry you put into your act. You’re out there playing the part of King talking to peasants. I just tell people I’m going to fuckin’ beat them, and then I go out and do it. Some get butthurt about it, some respect it, whatever. You tell people you’re better than all of them, and then disappear, and then come back, and then talk down to everyone, and then disappear. Uh, King, my liege, you’re not fuckin’ doing it right. I mean, don’t behead me or whatever, but I’m pretty sure a King is supposed to be a leader. Like me or not, I lead by example. If everyone followed your example…we’d have like two fuckin’ shows a year.
You’re a hypocrite, Cairo. I don’t even think you’re a bad wrestler. In fact, you’re an outstanding wrestler. One of the best. You were in War all the way until the end, but just like last year you came up short. I suppose next time you grace us with your presence there will be some grand conspiracy theory as to why you lost, right? I always love those. Enjoy the hot fries.
Fly finishes up the card and hands it over to Jade. She immediately replaces it with a new one.
Fly: Torture. As in, I’d rather be fuckin’ tortured than watch this god damn jobber parade around like its 2006 and he’s still relevant. I’m serious, the next time you show up on television I’m having someone water board me. That’s much better than watching you do your standard little run-in, pandering to the fans routine, and then disappearing for the next six months. I’m tired of people around here reminiscing about the past. They need to take those scratched and worn Torture DVD’s out of the player. I almost feel bad for them, for what they had to bear witness to at War. What their eyes saw most certainly will dilute the memories of yesteryear when you had your run of this place. Seriously, it’s not that big of a deal. This happens to every wrestler. One day it’s sure to happen to me…but that day is not here, and that person is not Torture. Outlasting you at War was just a little carrot for me. A little something extra that I got to achieve on my path to the accomplishment to end all accomplishments. Also, what was it like having your dick split in two and inverted to create that vagina you wear so proudly? Accept my match, fucker. Let me put you on my mantle – another legend whose career is eaten away by the unstoppable force that is Jonny Fly.
Jade takes the card from Fly, and hands him the very last one.
Jade: Last up…Steve Orbit.
Fly: It’s about god damn time.
Fly: Steve Orbit. You’ve been up to…well, nothing, since we last parted ways. You’re not doing anything. You’re certainly not defending that Hardcore Title. You’re just wrestling in a bunch of nondescript matches. Hell, you’re not even important enough to get attacked every week by some jealous bitch, like me. Now you’re getting a Tag Team title shot as a reward from being as irrelevant as a two-time World Champion can be over the last two months? Such is the cushy life for a rival of Jonny Fly. Can I be honest for a second? I’m fairly certain Seth would give someone with a grudge against me ANYTHING, should it mean screwing me or Pantheon over. He’s always good for that.
Fly writes the following on the card in quotations, as if Seth Lerch himself was saying it.
“Oh, shit I forgot to give Fly and Black the Tag Title shot they won three months ago. Fine, let them have it. Oh, they won? Shit. Better put the current and former World Champions together to try and get it off of them as soon as possible.”
Fly shakes his head and continues writing his card.
Fly: I mean are you kidding me? Black and I are defending the Tag Team titles this week, with both of us entering War later in the night. All the while Beckman’s only World Title defense consisted of beating two fuckin’ rookies and while you’ve done shit with the Hardcore Title in two months. Now you both get a chance at a SECOND belt? I’m convinced this is what you wanted, Steve. You didn’t grow tired of being in Pantheon, or tired of the people in Pantheon. You weren’t disrespected or held down. You simply got tired of doing things the hard way. THE RIGHT WAY.
You were tired of being the target, versus the motherfucker holding the arrow. You took the easy way out. That five months of reigning over this company as its Word Champion, and the trials that come with that, ate you up. That’s what changed Steve Orbit. That’s why you joined with the man who beat you and his looney tune stable. You no longer wanted to bear the responsibility and burden that comes with being a member of Pantheon. You wanted to go back to playing supporting actor, versus feature performer. It’s easier. Being THE MAN is tougher than it looks. Having to go out and headline every show, win every match, and each month in front of hundreds and hundreds of thousands of fans, you have to tear your fuckin’ heart out to beat some upstart motherfucker who’s trying to take away your pride, glory, and respect…the item that makes it all worth it – that WCF World Title.
Fly discontinues writing and looks up at Jade.
Fly: Uh, I ran out of space. I need another card.
Jade looks around the table and grabs the card that’s intended for Corey Black.
Jade: You just want to use this one?
Fly: Yeah, that works. CD doesn’t need a get well soon card, he’s fine.
Fly takes the card from Jade and scratches out Corey Black’s name before continuing with his card to Steve Orbit.
Fly:
If I lost Ultimate Showdown, after busting my ass for five months AND after having to defend against Logan the week before, I’d have marched into Seth’s office and tossed that motherfucker against the wall and FORCED him to sign a rematch that fuckin’ second. You went out to dinner with Buddy Roman, drank tea, sucked each other’s dicks, cried on each other’s shoulders, and bonded like he was your long lost father. Roman had all the answers you were seeking. He was going to help you take that next step in your career. Well…where the fuck is that next step? WHERE IS IT, STEVE? What the fuck are you doing? You’re a proud African-American man out there calling some ugly white fuck DADDY. An unbeatable World Champion just TWO MONTHS AGO, resigned to the midcard, carrying around a gimmick title, and playing sidekick to some dumb shit who YOU_ARE_BETTER_THAN.
Fly pauses and sets down his pen. He stares at the card for a couple of seconds, before muttering the following…
Fly: Un-fucking-believable.
Jade: What?
Fly: Orbit. I’ll never understand. This was a man at the top of the world, and he’s now…whatever the fuck he is. It’s NOT the Steve Orbit that was in Pantheon. He’s not the same person or wrestler. Now I get to face him twice on Sunday, the Tag Titles match and War match. I’m sure once the riff-raff is sifted through, at some point, Orbit and I will find one another in the midst of the craziness. Last year Cairo eliminated him, and I took advantage by eliminating Cairo right afterward. This year I want that for myself. I want Orbit’s head. I want it twice, with a side of ICE Beckman in the early match.
Jade: It does seem to be a huge night for you. Defending a title and trying to win War in the same night, that’s tough.
Fly: If anyone can do it’s me. If there’s any team that can beat ICE and Orbit, it’s Corey Black and I. As far as I’m concerned with ICE, I’ve seen a lot of World Champions come and go in this company. I understand as well as anyone what it takes to win a WCF World Title. I’m even one of the few that knows what it takes to win Ultimate Showdown. I know what it takes to beat Steve Orbit. I know all of this. Everything he’s done this last year, I’ve done it…years ago. So, forgive me for one moment if I take the time to remind everyone, that he’s still the second best wrestler in his own stable. In that tag match, it’s Orbit that I’m worried about. Worried might not be the right word, let’s just say he’s the only one I care about. To me, ICE is just the other guy on that team. His World Title means nothing right now, not yet, not until I win War. This rivalry between Orbit and I goes back much further than ICE has been around. It’s bigger than him. He can worry about Corey Black. Orbit is mine.
Jade: But…it really doesn’t work like that. You’re going to have to wrestle Beckman.
Fly: So be it. I’m just saying, ICE can go fuck himself. He expects everyone to bow down to him because he’s the World Champion. I don’t mean to hurt his poor ego, but in the scheme of things he still isn’t shit. At least not to me. If he left this company today nobody would remember him in six months. This tag match, to me it’s about Steve Orbit and Jonny Fly. This is bigger than Beckman, bigger than the Tag Titles, and after last year, it’s bigger than that World Title. If I succeed in doing nothing but tiring Orbit during the Tag Title match just so that I can eliminate him later in the night during the War match, I’ll be content with that too. I’m going out there to defend those belts, absolutely. If all I walk out of the arena on Sunday with is a War win and getting some retribution on Steve Orbit, I’m good with that.
Jade: That match really means a lot to you, huh?
Fly: This match is everything. Everything else anyone will ever do in WCF pales in comparison to winning War. Taking home the World Title at Blast, Revenge, or some other random PPV? That’s cute, but ultimately forgettable if you don’t follow it up with extended success. This is the ultimate test of skill, determination, and guile. Only the REALLY GOOD have a chance to win. That’s the power of this match. It gives everyone a chance to dream, but only a select few a shot at immortality. I’m one of maybe…four…five…wrestlers who you can expect to see there at the end. The rest will fight for pride and exposure. When the hours start to add up, their perseverance will fade. Instincts will fail them, and maneuvers will become weaker. Their minds will strain, unsure all of a sudden if they have what it takes to go the distance. Then, one of this company’s biggest predators will sense weakness, and quickly it will all be over.
Last year I was the fourth entrant into the match. I had to craft a strategy on the run. There were periods where I rested and relaxed. I left the whoeverthefucks to fight one another, strategically picking my spots, and always watching my back. I’m a target by default. This match brings danger from all corners. Still, my plan worked. This year it might have to be different. I might come in late, fresh, and need to quickly eliminate some of my main competition while I have the advantage in stamina. That’s what makes this match so difficult. How do you prepare? At the end of the day, you just have to be better than the person you’re squaring up against – and that bodes well for me. Whether it’s Steve Orbit, Bobby Cairo, Jeff Purse, Gravedigger, or even Jayson Price and Corey Black, I can beat them…and I will beat them…plus the rest of the roster…and prove once and for all that I’m the most dominant wrestler in this company’s history.
Jade smiles. She rises out of her seat and looks around at all the gift baskets and cards sitting in the kitchen.
Jade: Well, it looks like I have some mailings to do.
Fly nods his head in agreement.
Fly: I hope they all know this is from the heart.
Sarcastic smile alert. The scene comes to a close with a close up of Fly smirking as he watches his assistant gather up all the baskets to take to be mailed.
