What Everyone Wants To Say
Sept 24, 2014 10:09:04 GMT -5
Steeltoe Joe, Jay Omega, and 1 more like this
Post by Alex Richards on Sept 24, 2014 10:09:04 GMT -5
Narrator: Normally when you see Alex he's a happy guy. It's one of the things I like about him. Well except what he flies into a fit of rage and wants to hurt someone. But that generally isn't me so I'm sort of okay with that as well. But tonight is different. Alex is standing outside of his van forlornly drinking one of the bottles of “Whoop Ass” beer he had his beer girl brew for him.
Richards: All that work Zach.. all that work... for nothing. All that bad beer.. all that training... hell all that scheming... the cheating. I knew I should have tried an idea Steven Osbourne would have approved of. Greasing the ladder? What the fuck was I thinking? Even scarier I think Jay Omega was right.
SZR: Uh oh. You're starting to scare me Alex.
Richards: He didn't want to attack Johnny Reb. Maybe if we would have listened to him Johnny would have been able to break up Beckman's climb up the ladder. Maybe I would have been able to come back and win Whoop Ass beer.
SZR: Why do you want the beer so badly anyways? There are other great beers. Besides you can always buy Whoop Ass beer at the store. Apparently Ice is going to market it.
Richards: That's not the point Zach. The point is I let down everyone who was counting on me. Everyone who I promised Whoop Ass beer to! Everyone who was relying on the extra business the beer was going to bring. I mean look around Zach, there isn't a single car here in the parking lot of the Sloshed Pit! And I can't blame them. Who would want to come to the bar of the guy who almost won Whoop Ass beer.
SZR: C'mon man, let's go inside and get a drink. A real drink. Everything is better with a drink right?
Richards: I suppose you're right.
Narrator: Alex walks ahead looking dejected. I almost grin but manage to hold it back as Alex fumbles with the key, finally opening the door... turning on the light and seeing a large crowd of about 50 people cheering for him. Alex looks stunned as the crowd continues to celebrate. As we look around you notice the crowd are your normal people. They are quite.. well shall we say it.. odd. Yes definitely odd.
Richards: But I lost. Why are you guys here to celebrate that?
Narrator: A man and a women taped together walk over towards Alex.
Siamese Man: Because you're our icon! You're the guy who tells the world it's okay to be different! I mean Sheila and I always wanted to be Siamese twins but we were afraid people were going to judge us. You get on television every single week and you act differently and you don't care what people think!
Narrator: The Mexican Zim-Quila peddler from the week before walks up to Alex and shakes his head.
Perez: So you didn't win. So what. I still have plenty of money from Zim-Quila. You still have plenty of money from Zim-Quila. Let's celebrate amigo.
Zach: Hey dumbass.. did you ever doubt yourself when you lost before?
Richards: No. And all these people don't care.
Zach: Did Chelsea, Jay, Chase, and Cormack shun you after the show?
Richards: I don't know. I left immediately.
Zach: They have been trying to call you all night dumbass.
Richards: You're right! I'm the strange people's champion damnit! All these strange people are here for me! They all support me! And you know what.. I ain't going to disappoint them! So I lost.. let's have some drinks with my friends and move on!
Zach: Now that.. that's what I wanted to here.
Narrator: At this point the morbid obese fellow in a Sailor Suit walks over.
Seaman: I'm disappointed in you. I don't see Osbums anyways. But I like guys with bald heads.
Richards: Umm.. thanks.. it's freshly waxed.
Seaman: Not that head.
Richards: Is there a difference between creepy and strange.
I'll handle this..
Narrator: A gentlemen who looks like an accountant walks up to Alex.
Richards: How?
Man: I'm strange because I like to do this... THIS IS SPARTA!
Narrator: And in an awesome display of agility he raises his boot up and levels the Seaman with a hit to the head!
Richards:Why did you do that?
Spartan: Because it's exhilarating!
Narrator: Alex grins, shouts out This is Sparta then attempts to kick me in the head but I see it coming and drop down causing Alex to level a grown man in a Barney costume.
Richards: You're right! This was awesome!
Barney: You know that happens more often then you'd think. Would you sign my tooth?
Narrator: Alex does so and then the crowd begins to chant speech.
Richards: I knew dropping out of school was going to bite me in the ass. I don't even have cue cards. I have nothing planned. Wait a sec.. I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion and I have a war to plan for!
Perhaps I can help you..
Narrator: A bearded gentlemen carrying a box full of masks approaches Richards. He looks in the box.. then delighted pulls out a perfect mold of himself.
Richards: These are awesome! But not strange at all.
Mask Man: It's close to Halloween so people don't think it's strange now. But I made masks year around and wear them in public. But thanks to you I don't need to be ashamed of being weird any longer! So I have this gift for you. Masks of everyone competing in this year's War! Use them however you desire! But not for some weird sex stuff.. at least not here.
Richards: Don't worry.. I have the perfect use for them.
Narrator: Alex walks towards the front of the room stopping to take an offered Zim-Quila in a boot from a lady dressed entirely in orange, including an orange purse and orange make up. He steps onto the stage which he is sharing with a mechanical bull wearing a fireman's hat. It is his bar so you had to expect something weird on stage didn't you?
Richards: I'll bet you can all go home and hear wrestlers... upon wrestlers... upon wrestlers talking about WAR. They are all going to say the same thing. I'm going to win War. I'm the best! Everyone else sucks.. or at least isn't as good as me. And when I hear that.. I think... boring! But as you all know... I'm not like everybody else.
Narrator: The crowd cheers that statement, I bet it's this audience's version of a cheap pop.
Richards: Sure, I'm going to try and win War. But so is everyone else. And how many people are in War? There are 33 people in War! All of whom are going to talk about how much they are going to win. And most of them will be lying. They won't even believe they can win War. 1 in 33. What's the odds of winning exactly?
Narrator: An Asian lady wearing a pink tutu pips up in about a quarter of a second.
Lady: Your chances of victory are 3.33333333333333333333 to infinitely percent.
Richards: A three percent chance of winning. But everyone is going to try and convince you they are a sure thing! They aren't! And with all the former world champions in there. Hall of famers in there. The odds for someone like me are even longer. But that's alright. I'm not going to promise a win. But I am going to promise this. I will fight like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Because it's true! I'm not supposed to win War. I probably won't win War. Neither will 31 other guys. But here's the thing, a match where chaos reigns, a match where confusion, and back stabbing, and new alliances, and broken alliances will be made and ended in mere seconds Doesn't that sound like my kind of match? And last week everyone was talking about how my size would work against me in a ladder match. Well this week my size and strength can only help me. And as everyone has pointed out I have a lot of bulk behind me.
Richards: But I'm not out here to talk about War like everyone else. Instead I'm going to do them all a favor. I'm going to talk about War the way they should be talking about War. I'm going to share with my fans, everyone's true thoughts about War. That way they can just be honest from now on instead of lying about what great odds they have of winning. So here's how it's going to work.. I'm going to reach in the box and pull out a mask, put it on then enlighten you all on what that wrestler is really thinking.
Narrator: Alex reaches into the box filled with masks and pulls out the mask of Tobias Barnes.
“Barnes”: We all know I'm lucky to even be in this match! Thanks pop! Wait a second, I got slaughtered in like a second and a half in my first match. Now I gotta fight 30 something people. I'm gonna die! And that's not even if my pops is in the ring with me. He'll probably be so embarassed he'll bend me over his knee and give me a good spanking in the middle of the ring. Then I'll cry. I always cry. Are you surprised. It's not like I look like a wrestler or an kind of athlete is it?
Narrator: Alex takes off the Tobias mask and puts on his own mask. He could you know just be him as himself but it is Alex Richards after all.
Richards: I don't really have much to add besides the fact that one day I hope to be famous enough so I too can enjoy the perks of leeches using my name in order to get hired. I think someone tried that once at McDonalds but it didn't work. Better luck next time. I'll bet Tobbie here can use Gravedigger's name to get hired at McDonalds when his wrestling career fails.
Narrator: Alex grabs from the box and then instantly becomes... Steve Orbit.
“Orbit”: As a formerly dominant world champion I joined up with Ice because I knew I could never beat him. I'm just hoping no one realizes my plan. Because after all I gotta keep my pimp hand strong or else no one is going to attend my strip clubs. So I'll be throwing the War and pretending I got screwed somehow. That will be all.
Richards: Don't worry Steve, even though your best days are behind you alright we still love you. And by love we mean honor your request and eliminate you from War. I mean sorry Steve I should have more to say about you but really what can you say about someone who loses the world title and then immediately partners up with the man who beat him. Everyone knows you want to say as far away from Ice as possible. And the easiest way to do that is to be on the same side as him. I might have lost to Ice.. once... or... twice... or three times but I damn sure want to give it another go. Sorry Steve, walking around as the proud number two to Ice just don't cut it in my books. But let's see who else we have.
Narrator: Alex reaches into the bag of masks revealing Daniel Booker.
“Booker”: Don't tell anyone but I rigged the drawing. I;m going to draw number one on purpose so that I can expose a vast conspiracy against me by my invisible enemies to deny me my just due as the winner of War. That and you know if I rigged it to draw number 33 I would lose anyways. At least this way I have a ready made excuse for when I lose. This is important because I lose all the time. Maybe next week I can face Biohazard or something.
Richards: What is there to say about Daniel Booker besides holy crap is Pantheon scraping the bottom of the barrel. Back in the day people used to line up to join Pantheon. Hell even I wanted to before I knew any better. Now.. they get Daniel “Never Wins a Single Match” Booker. Don't worry your streak is safe this week.
Narrator: Richards takes off his own mask again and pulls out another gem.. Cormack MacNeil
“Cormack”: Of course I'm winning War! I have a secret plan! I'm wearing nothing under my kilt.. first I'm gonna flash em then I'm going to finish them off.
Richards: That won't work against me. I have no sense of shame.
“Cormack”: Well I'll kick your ass in the haggis eating contest at least!
Richards: Now that's scary.
Narrator: Alex reaches back into the mask box and reveals Chelsea Armstrong! He grins then puts the mask on.
“Chelsea”: I know I have War won. I added antifreeze to my blue hair dye so I'm going to knock out everyone who comes into contact with me with a toxic headbutt. I can't lose.
Richards: I hate to do this to you Blue lady, but you don't really want to win either.
“Chelsea”: You're right. We both know that Ice Beckman is going to destroy Corey Black. And apparently Seth wouldn't let us go through with the match we planned. We were going to fight to a thirty minute time limit draw using only a lip lock as the sole offensive move.
Narrator: Alex decides on another mask this time pulling out the mask of Louis Bartkowski.
“Louis”: You may think I don't have a chance but I don't care about that. I'm just happy no one has called me the Cleveland Steamer instead of the Cleveland Mad Man! Although it is kind of fitting, I do wrestle pretty crappy. And my dressing room is really the washroom. Come to think of it I actually want people to call me the Cleveland Steamer!
Richards: Okay Cleveland Steamer, you know you're not winning War right?
“Loius”: That goes without saying.
Narrator: Alex sets down The Mad Man's mask and pulls out the mask of Jayson Price.
“Price”: You remember when I used to be good. Me neither. I don't know if it's because of the drinking. Or because it's been so long. I mean I got a title shot this year. I got into the Ultimate Showdown. I won king of trios. But why have I won last matches in the last two months than Doc Henry and Biohazard and Tyler Walker. Damn, I do suck! Don't worry I'm going to talk a big game and claim I'm going to win War but I won't. Then I'll lose some more. But not enough to replaces Daniel Booker is the worst member of Pantheon that can't happen.
Richards: I guess you don't have a second career as a politician with all that honesty.
Narrator: Alex returns to the box of doom and this time he becomes Jay Omega!
“Omega”: I was gonna win War... but then I got high! Wait I thought I was going to win War because I was high. That's right! But seriously folks, I am not going to win War but I'm okay with that. I have enough money to buy my own wrestling federation and give myself the world title. Then keep it for 6 thousand years until I get bored and lose it to Anthony Douglas. Just kidding.. I'd never invite me. So to recap not winning War, but still richer than you.
Richards: But you know awesome parties.
“Omega”: I know.
Richards: You going to throw me a victory party when I win War?
“Omega”: I thought you said you weren't going to say you were going to win War.
Richards: Am I out smarting myself? Bah, I lied, everyone thinks they are going to win. I'm just not going to go overboard bragging about it like some people.
“Omega”: I'll gloat like hell if I win. Or bomb some small island to celebrate.
Richards: That sounds awesome.
“Omega”: I'll make sure you're on it first.
Richards: I'm so eliminating you.
“Omega”: That's why I knew I wasn't winning.
Narrator: Alex removes the mask and reaches back into the box this time pulling out the mask belonging to Kaz Mazy.
“Kaz”: Has any federation ever had a world champion with a ridiculous name like Kaz Mazy? Of course not! And you know I chose that name right? That's because even I don't think I'm going to win War. But wouldn't it be sweet if I did. I mean my underground show would get tons of viewers if the world champion appeared on it every single week. But alas, it's more likely to get canceled and I wind up in Mexico hosting a donkey show than that happening.
Richards: If you host a donkey show and I win war I'll totally appear on that.
“Kaz”: Silver lining baby!
Narrator: Alex removes the Mazy mask and puts on a Biohazard mask.
“Biohazard”: Last week I beat Logan! I'll say it again.. I beat Logan! And you saw the way the crowd was shocked into silence. Well this week I'm going to win War. And do you know why? If I win War the entire audience will die of heart attacks! Then everyone will know the name of Biohazard. Or they all have all died of heart attacks. I don't really think this stuff through probably due to 2000 weeks straight of getting dropped on my head then pinned.
Richards: To the shock of no one Biohazard isn't winning War. But he was the first television champion. So I guess that's some embarrassing trivia Seth probably wants to hide.
Narrator: Alex removes the Biohazard mask and decides to put on... the John Gable mask.
“Gable”: You know I secretly wish I was still John Gobble. No one knows this but I like low brow comedy.
Richards: Hey me too!
“Gable”: No kidding. But did you know I own every season of the Trailer Park Boys? I have a tattoo of Uncle fester on my left butt cheek. Last week I knew that Bryan Worthy won the act off. Groot is amazing! When I'm flying over that top rope I want you all to know... I think Bogart is a hack... long live Pauly Shore!
Richards: I should boot you in the encino, man.
“Gable”: That doesn't make sense.
Richards: Punch you in the biodome?
“Gable: That doesn't make sense either.
Richards: You see, this whole thinking you're better than everyone is why no one likes you.
“Gable”: I know. I miss having friends.
Narrator: Alex does a really bad fake cry then removes the Gable mask and pulls out a Torture mask, he then looks around and pulls out Gravedigger's mask as well.
Richards: You know what. Everyone else is going to talk more about these people. But not me. Torture, Gravedigger we all know you don't really care about War. We all know you are just here because of the past. I'm sick of people showing up, thinking their past glories are enough to get by. Thinking that they can show up for War and get a whole lot of attention, a whole lot of press, a whole lot of respect. Then what are they going to do? Make a respectable showing, lose, then ride off into the sunset until their next comeback. Everyone knows you guys aren't in this to win and no one admits it. Well I'll say it. And if I get the chance maybe I'll eliminate one of you and prove my point.
Narrator: And with that Alex reaches back into the box and this time pulls out the mask for Jeff Purse.
“Purse”: Everyone used to think I was a pretty funny guy. But I knew I could do better. And look at me now! Religious whack job taking orders from a puppet... hilarious! But you know I owe to all to unoriginally. I stole my preacher man from Steeltoe Joe. And I stole the whole attacking random targets thing from the Blue Lady Group. You know what I can't steal though... a win in War!
Richards: Just thought I'd be the first to tell you. I'm going to steal Father Terry and use him to preform a whole puppetry of the penis bit.
“Purse”: That's a sin!\
Richards: Playing rock music?
“Purse”: That's a sin!
Richards: Wearing different colored socks?
“Purse”: Definitely a sin... heathen!
Richards: Making fun of your religious cult?
“Purse”: Completely right! Umm.. I mean big time sin!
Narrator: Alex puts the mask back and this time pulls out Steeltoe Joe's mask.
“Joe”: Hey, that's right! You can't steal my gimmick! I mean since I came back I haven't actually been winning. I lost the people's title match. I lost to Ice a bunch, I lost to the Blue Lady a bunch. And now... now I'm losing my identity too? Actually that might be a good thing. I mean at least that way after I lose War people are still going to remember me. Intimation is the sincerest form of flattery. Besides my prayers could be answered.
Richards: Dare I ask what are you praying for?
“Joe”: Everyone else to be struck by lightning of course! And when that happens... who am I kidding.. you'd probably survive it and win War anyways.
Richards: Like I always say, no brain, no pain.
“Joe”: Father, why have you forsaken me? I'm screwed.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Joe mask and tries for a new mask then times he becomes... Shawn Scholes.
“Scholes”:..................
Richards: Um.. you're supposed to be talking now.
“Scholes”:........
Richards: You move your lip and sound comes out.
“Scholes”: Thanks, I forgot how to do that. Now that I'm talking again I'm going to tell the world I'm God's gift to wrestling. I'm going to be the winner not only of War, but of any war scheduled this year. That Ali guy wishes he was the greatest. I'm the greatest.
Richards: I wish you were still not talking.
“Scholes”: It's amazing how often I hear that.
Richards: Are you done yet?
“Scholes”: I could brag for another two hours but no one wants to listen or believes me anyways so let's say yes.
Narrator: Fortunately Alex moves off this time pulling out Brent Alpine's name from the box.
“Alpine”: When did Cormack start hanging out with such cool people? I'm jealous. Since I returned I have been trying to form a new Sequinas. But nobody knows what Sequinas means so no luck! Is it crazy that being my time off all I did was eat bacon? I miss Percy so much.
Richards: You don't seem concerned about War.
“Alpine”: Nah, if I lose War, I'm going to watch Babe:Pig in the City afterwards. If I win I'm going to do the same thing. But really I'm not going to talk about War right now, call me when it's right before the match.
Richards: So what are you going to talk about?
|”Alpine”: That classic 80s movies Porky, Charlotte's Web, pork sausages...
Narrator: One man wearing a shirt with a picture of bacon on it cheers wildly. His hat made out of a felt strip of bacon almost falling off. The rest of the crowd seems happy that Alex is moving on to.... Tyler Walker.
“Walker”: I hope the world never figures out why Johnny Fly took me under his wing. No one does more roids than Johnny Fly. And when he's not taking them himself he's dealing them to other wrestlers. Although with growth hormone hence his freakish size.
Richards: So why he did want to teach you again?
“Walker”: I'm his biggest customer! But in War and in any other match I have ever I prove the stereotypes wrong. Roid rage is a myth, it doesn't make me fight better at all.
Richards: I don't care about the steroids or about Johnny Fly at the moment. I want to know about being a space werewolf.
“Walker”: It's all about howling at the moon! When you're in space... you're closer to the moon! Other than that, it's not so great. All the other space werewolves laugh at me. They wonder how a werewolf of superhuman size and strength does so poorly. I don't have an answer.
Narrator: Alex removes his mask and this time he puts on the mask of Isaac Salinger.
“Salinger”: Wait a minute. I'm a manager. Why on earth am I in War? I'm retired.
Richards: Maybe you'll win?
“Salinger”: Let me put it to you this way, I didn't wrestle in the XWCWF. Everyone is looking at the screen with blank faces thinking about right now. And that's exactly it. I'm in War for one reason and one reason only. War needed more fodder!
Narrator: Alex removes the Salinger mask and this time reaches deep into the box towards the bottom of the box and becomes... The Ultimate Destroyer.
“Destroyer”: I wanted to be the Ultimate Warrior but that name was copywrited! So I legally changed my name to Destroyer! So I could be the Destroyer! This is War and I'm the destroyer, I'm barely smart enough to make a clever connection! War destroys people you see.
Richards: That wasn't really that clever.
“Destroyer”: It is for me damnit! I'm getting tired. This is more words then I normally say! Move on! I said move on!
Richards: We're really getting some good stuff here tonight. I can hardly wait to unveil more secrets.
Narrator: And Alex begins to do just that reaching in and pulling out Deuce Murdoch.
“Murdoch”: I'm in this match for one reason and one reason only... to call out Zombie McMorris!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the box and pulls out the zombie mask.
“Zombie”: What do you want bitch?
“Murdoch”: I'm not winning War and you're not winning War.
“Zombie”: Zombies don't think so I don't know that.
“Murdoch”: What I'm thinking is, you love drugs I love drugs let's skip War and do drugs.
“Zombie”: Zombie like. No brains! Coked out Madman!
“Murdoch”: I had my fake limb made out of pot anyways. Let's go smoke so much we can't even find our way to the ring anyways.
“Zombie”: Zombie like. Zombie know we were gonna win anyways. Brain... dead.
“Murdoch”: This is what being a gonzo journalist is all about. If you aren't Hunter you just get screwed up and never taste success!
Narrator: Alex stops switching back and forth between the two masks and elects to select a new mask. This time he becomes... Jahani al-Reb.
“al-Reb”: You want to know secret?
Richards: Sure why not.
“al-Reb”: I'm not really Muslim. I just went prematurely bald and so I got the head covering.
Richards: I wish I would have thought of that. Wait no.. that's stupid.
“al-Reb”: Infidel!
Richards: So everyone who disagrees with you is an infidel?
“al-Reb”: Pretty much. That trick kills at parties! Now.. silence... I kill you! I'm a huge Jeff Dunham fan.
Richards: So about War?
“al-Reb”: I'm going to claim I know a lot about War. But really, I'm lying. The closest thing I ever came to war was playing war with my legos. By the way in my lego war I finished second. So that means I should do almost that good in the real war.
Richards: Umm.. you were the only one playing. How did you still lose?
“al-Reb”: Had to keep it realistic... Infidel!
Narrator: Before he receives death threats Alex decides to move on. Stopping briefly for another Zim-Quila in a cowboy boot he then pulls out Johnny Reb.
“Reb”: I have no relation to that guy at all. Just wanted you all to know that. Now I should trash talk about War but I'm not going to. I went to the future and I didn't win. I'd just look sad and pathetic if I trash talked then got proven wrong. However even though I'm not winning War I'm totally winning a lot of money beating on the results. The timekeeper... he's really my bookie anyways.
Richards: That's a great idea dude! Can you let me know who's winning?
“Reb”: Justin Cash.
Richards: Huh, didn't see that coming. I should congratulate him.
Narrator: Alex returns to the now nearly empty box of masks and picks out Justin Cash's mask.
“Cash”: Even I don't think I won.
“Reb”: Yeah I was just joking.
“Cash”: It would have been cool right?
Richards: Damn there goes my bet.
“Reb”: Serves you right. You did attack me last week.
“Cash”: Yeah!
Richards: Did that really add anything?
“Cash”: Last week I piggybacked on the Blue Lady's work. This time I'm piggybacking on Johnny Reb's work. During the battle royal, I'll probably just walk around watching other people fight.. Yay... slacking.
Richards: That might be the smartest thing I ever heard out of you.
“Cash”: Since I thought forming a team with Dave the Bouncer was a good idea that's probably a safe bet.
Narrator: Alex sets down both masks and goes for a new one.. this time he becomes Doc Henry.
“Doc”: I've been here forever but how have I never won the big one? No war, no ultimate showdown, no world title. Recently though I'd be doing some great work. I played hooky from the WCF to work on my moonshine still.
Richards: I always knew you were smarter than people give you credit for.
“Doc”: I ain't never gonna win the world title but my moonshine... now that's world class. I even paid Brent Alpine to nickname himself “The Shine” just to advertise my moonshine.
Richards: Isn't selling your own hooch illegal?
“Doc”: Maybe I'm not smarter than you thought. Ah well, back to drinking.
Richards: I know he's not going to do well in War but anyone with moonshine is good people in my books.
Narrator: Alex puts down the Doc Henry mask and selects his next one, don't worry we're almost done, this time he becomes Bobby Cairo.
“Cairo”: I am back in War for one reason and one reason only... Logan is not! Now the Thickness doesn't fear Logan that would be stupid. The Thickness fears... The Great Catsby. You call how he beat my ass the last time we got in the ring together. That's embarrassing. Getting beaten up by a giant mechanical cat. I hope no one brings that up. I mean who is going to take Bobby Cairo as a serious threat knowing I got my butt kicked by a dead kitty.
Richards: That isn't even my problem with you Bobby. My problem is you were one half of the tag team champions then you and your partner quit.
“Cairo”: That's just smart. We knew we were going to lose those tag team titles soon. But by quitting as champions due to lack of competition we didn't have to worry about someone beating us.
Richards: In that case I have a great plan. When you enter War, the minute you see me drop to the mat and allow me to pin you. That way you can claim you threw War.
“Cairo”: Brilliant! My thickness loves that idea. Especially since you would have beaten me anyways. That way I can claim you wouldn't have.
Richards: I can see where some of those veterans heads are at. Looking good at the expense of young talent in spite of the fact they know their time has passed.
Narrator: Alex tosses aside the Cairo mask with disgust then puts on one of the last masks, Bryan Worthy.
“Buzz”: Holy crap.. I'm the television champion.
Richards: Congratulations. I'm all for anyone who shuts up John Gable.
“Buzz”: I need to draw a late number.
Richards: Why's that?
“Buzz”: My 15 minutes of fame are almost up.
Richards: Cheer up, you'll still be the television champion.
“Buzz”: ..... You see this is why I do interviews. Everyone else is more interesting than me. OH well I get paid to be window dressing at War. That's pretty sweet right?
Richards: I guess, if that's what you're into.
“Buzz”: You have seen my record right? I'm clearly not into winning.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Buzz Worthy mask and pulls out the Hyena mask.
“Hyena”: Step one.. scent the ring! Step two... I wish I was a dingo so I could eat babies! Step three... profit!
Richards: How do you profit?
“Hyena”: I don't know. If I had Whoop Ass beer I might have remembered. Stupid Omega, stupid Ice.
Richards: Don't worry Hyena, I'll help you get revenge. Ice may have gotten the beer but I'm getting revenge. He took the thing that meant the most to me. I'm going to win War and take the thing that means the most to him... the WCF world championship!
“Hyena”: That's a better plan than mine. Detox during War and hope the shakes help me.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Hyena mask and puts on a Livewire mask.
“Livewire”: You know what... I can't do this. I can't come up with a single reason why I would beat Ice. The hell with War.
Narrator: Alex tosses Livewire's mask to the floor with anger. Then he pulls out the final two masks... Johnny Fly and Corey Black.
“Fly”: You're so lucky Corey. I wish I was the one who got to fake being raped by Chelsea. I mean I wouldn't know what to do with a real women if the opportunity came up but it's nice to pretend.
Richards: Yeah, I'm going to give you one hell of a beating for attempting to destroy the Blue lady's reputation. But for the record if she wanted to, she could totally rape both of your bitch asses. Not that she would waste her time doing so.
“Fly”: Yeah I know. I actually hope someone else gets rid of me before you guys get your hands on me again.
Richards: I'll make sure we do Fly. Your time is just about over. You've been here, taking all the opportunities, keeping everyone down for too long. At War this year, we prove your time is up. The Pantheon is a joke these days. And not even a funny one.
“Corey”: Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm the king of all wrestlers! I mean I beat Logan to win a world title shot! Biohazard also beat Logan so I guess that isn't very impressive is it. And Ice is going to make me his personal bitch so yeah I'm going to look pretty bad. But hey I get the chance to win War and... umm... lose twice to Ice. Fortunately for me Adam Young isn't in War this year. Losing to him again would be embarrassing. It would show just how far I feel.
Richards: Even if Adam Young was in War he wouldn't pin you. I'd eliminate him myself just to get to you. Corey, I don't think it's some sort of forgone conclusion I'm going to win War. But I'm going to eliminate you Corey Black. You took my tag team championship and ended my partnership with Oblivion. That beating we gave you two weeks ago, that's going to be nothing compared to War.
Narrator: Alex looks in the box realizes it's empty and then takes a bow to massive cheering from his fan base.
Richards: Next world champion... maybe? Next People's champion? Definitely. One thing is for sure.. when the night is over I'm going to be somewhere shouting YOLO ADRIAN,I GOT IT.... BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Fade To Black
Richards: All that work Zach.. all that work... for nothing. All that bad beer.. all that training... hell all that scheming... the cheating. I knew I should have tried an idea Steven Osbourne would have approved of. Greasing the ladder? What the fuck was I thinking? Even scarier I think Jay Omega was right.
SZR: Uh oh. You're starting to scare me Alex.
Richards: He didn't want to attack Johnny Reb. Maybe if we would have listened to him Johnny would have been able to break up Beckman's climb up the ladder. Maybe I would have been able to come back and win Whoop Ass beer.
SZR: Why do you want the beer so badly anyways? There are other great beers. Besides you can always buy Whoop Ass beer at the store. Apparently Ice is going to market it.
Richards: That's not the point Zach. The point is I let down everyone who was counting on me. Everyone who I promised Whoop Ass beer to! Everyone who was relying on the extra business the beer was going to bring. I mean look around Zach, there isn't a single car here in the parking lot of the Sloshed Pit! And I can't blame them. Who would want to come to the bar of the guy who almost won Whoop Ass beer.
SZR: C'mon man, let's go inside and get a drink. A real drink. Everything is better with a drink right?
Richards: I suppose you're right.
Narrator: Alex walks ahead looking dejected. I almost grin but manage to hold it back as Alex fumbles with the key, finally opening the door... turning on the light and seeing a large crowd of about 50 people cheering for him. Alex looks stunned as the crowd continues to celebrate. As we look around you notice the crowd are your normal people. They are quite.. well shall we say it.. odd. Yes definitely odd.
Richards: But I lost. Why are you guys here to celebrate that?
Narrator: A man and a women taped together walk over towards Alex.
Siamese Man: Because you're our icon! You're the guy who tells the world it's okay to be different! I mean Sheila and I always wanted to be Siamese twins but we were afraid people were going to judge us. You get on television every single week and you act differently and you don't care what people think!
Narrator: The Mexican Zim-Quila peddler from the week before walks up to Alex and shakes his head.
Perez: So you didn't win. So what. I still have plenty of money from Zim-Quila. You still have plenty of money from Zim-Quila. Let's celebrate amigo.
Zach: Hey dumbass.. did you ever doubt yourself when you lost before?
Richards: No. And all these people don't care.
Zach: Did Chelsea, Jay, Chase, and Cormack shun you after the show?
Richards: I don't know. I left immediately.
Zach: They have been trying to call you all night dumbass.
Richards: You're right! I'm the strange people's champion damnit! All these strange people are here for me! They all support me! And you know what.. I ain't going to disappoint them! So I lost.. let's have some drinks with my friends and move on!
Zach: Now that.. that's what I wanted to here.
Narrator: At this point the morbid obese fellow in a Sailor Suit walks over.
Seaman: I'm disappointed in you. I don't see Osbums anyways. But I like guys with bald heads.
Richards: Umm.. thanks.. it's freshly waxed.
Seaman: Not that head.
Richards: Is there a difference between creepy and strange.
I'll handle this..
Narrator: A gentlemen who looks like an accountant walks up to Alex.
Richards: How?
Man: I'm strange because I like to do this... THIS IS SPARTA!
Narrator: And in an awesome display of agility he raises his boot up and levels the Seaman with a hit to the head!
Richards:Why did you do that?
Spartan: Because it's exhilarating!
Narrator: Alex grins, shouts out This is Sparta then attempts to kick me in the head but I see it coming and drop down causing Alex to level a grown man in a Barney costume.
Richards: You're right! This was awesome!
Barney: You know that happens more often then you'd think. Would you sign my tooth?
Narrator: Alex does so and then the crowd begins to chant speech.
Richards: I knew dropping out of school was going to bite me in the ass. I don't even have cue cards. I have nothing planned. Wait a sec.. I'm the Arch Duke of Mass Confusion and I have a war to plan for!
Perhaps I can help you..
Narrator: A bearded gentlemen carrying a box full of masks approaches Richards. He looks in the box.. then delighted pulls out a perfect mold of himself.
Richards: These are awesome! But not strange at all.
Mask Man: It's close to Halloween so people don't think it's strange now. But I made masks year around and wear them in public. But thanks to you I don't need to be ashamed of being weird any longer! So I have this gift for you. Masks of everyone competing in this year's War! Use them however you desire! But not for some weird sex stuff.. at least not here.
Richards: Don't worry.. I have the perfect use for them.
Narrator: Alex walks towards the front of the room stopping to take an offered Zim-Quila in a boot from a lady dressed entirely in orange, including an orange purse and orange make up. He steps onto the stage which he is sharing with a mechanical bull wearing a fireman's hat. It is his bar so you had to expect something weird on stage didn't you?
Richards: I'll bet you can all go home and hear wrestlers... upon wrestlers... upon wrestlers talking about WAR. They are all going to say the same thing. I'm going to win War. I'm the best! Everyone else sucks.. or at least isn't as good as me. And when I hear that.. I think... boring! But as you all know... I'm not like everybody else.
Narrator: The crowd cheers that statement, I bet it's this audience's version of a cheap pop.
Richards: Sure, I'm going to try and win War. But so is everyone else. And how many people are in War? There are 33 people in War! All of whom are going to talk about how much they are going to win. And most of them will be lying. They won't even believe they can win War. 1 in 33. What's the odds of winning exactly?
Narrator: An Asian lady wearing a pink tutu pips up in about a quarter of a second.
Lady: Your chances of victory are 3.33333333333333333333 to infinitely percent.
Richards: A three percent chance of winning. But everyone is going to try and convince you they are a sure thing! They aren't! And with all the former world champions in there. Hall of famers in there. The odds for someone like me are even longer. But that's alright. I'm not going to promise a win. But I am going to promise this. I will fight like I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Because it's true! I'm not supposed to win War. I probably won't win War. Neither will 31 other guys. But here's the thing, a match where chaos reigns, a match where confusion, and back stabbing, and new alliances, and broken alliances will be made and ended in mere seconds Doesn't that sound like my kind of match? And last week everyone was talking about how my size would work against me in a ladder match. Well this week my size and strength can only help me. And as everyone has pointed out I have a lot of bulk behind me.
Richards: But I'm not out here to talk about War like everyone else. Instead I'm going to do them all a favor. I'm going to talk about War the way they should be talking about War. I'm going to share with my fans, everyone's true thoughts about War. That way they can just be honest from now on instead of lying about what great odds they have of winning. So here's how it's going to work.. I'm going to reach in the box and pull out a mask, put it on then enlighten you all on what that wrestler is really thinking.
Narrator: Alex reaches into the box filled with masks and pulls out the mask of Tobias Barnes.
“Barnes”: We all know I'm lucky to even be in this match! Thanks pop! Wait a second, I got slaughtered in like a second and a half in my first match. Now I gotta fight 30 something people. I'm gonna die! And that's not even if my pops is in the ring with me. He'll probably be so embarassed he'll bend me over his knee and give me a good spanking in the middle of the ring. Then I'll cry. I always cry. Are you surprised. It's not like I look like a wrestler or an kind of athlete is it?
Narrator: Alex takes off the Tobias mask and puts on his own mask. He could you know just be him as himself but it is Alex Richards after all.
Richards: I don't really have much to add besides the fact that one day I hope to be famous enough so I too can enjoy the perks of leeches using my name in order to get hired. I think someone tried that once at McDonalds but it didn't work. Better luck next time. I'll bet Tobbie here can use Gravedigger's name to get hired at McDonalds when his wrestling career fails.
Narrator: Alex grabs from the box and then instantly becomes... Steve Orbit.
“Orbit”: As a formerly dominant world champion I joined up with Ice because I knew I could never beat him. I'm just hoping no one realizes my plan. Because after all I gotta keep my pimp hand strong or else no one is going to attend my strip clubs. So I'll be throwing the War and pretending I got screwed somehow. That will be all.
Richards: Don't worry Steve, even though your best days are behind you alright we still love you. And by love we mean honor your request and eliminate you from War. I mean sorry Steve I should have more to say about you but really what can you say about someone who loses the world title and then immediately partners up with the man who beat him. Everyone knows you want to say as far away from Ice as possible. And the easiest way to do that is to be on the same side as him. I might have lost to Ice.. once... or... twice... or three times but I damn sure want to give it another go. Sorry Steve, walking around as the proud number two to Ice just don't cut it in my books. But let's see who else we have.
Narrator: Alex reaches into the bag of masks revealing Daniel Booker.
“Booker”: Don't tell anyone but I rigged the drawing. I;m going to draw number one on purpose so that I can expose a vast conspiracy against me by my invisible enemies to deny me my just due as the winner of War. That and you know if I rigged it to draw number 33 I would lose anyways. At least this way I have a ready made excuse for when I lose. This is important because I lose all the time. Maybe next week I can face Biohazard or something.
Richards: What is there to say about Daniel Booker besides holy crap is Pantheon scraping the bottom of the barrel. Back in the day people used to line up to join Pantheon. Hell even I wanted to before I knew any better. Now.. they get Daniel “Never Wins a Single Match” Booker. Don't worry your streak is safe this week.
Narrator: Richards takes off his own mask again and pulls out another gem.. Cormack MacNeil
“Cormack”: Of course I'm winning War! I have a secret plan! I'm wearing nothing under my kilt.. first I'm gonna flash em then I'm going to finish them off.
Richards: That won't work against me. I have no sense of shame.
“Cormack”: Well I'll kick your ass in the haggis eating contest at least!
Richards: Now that's scary.
Narrator: Alex reaches back into the mask box and reveals Chelsea Armstrong! He grins then puts the mask on.
“Chelsea”: I know I have War won. I added antifreeze to my blue hair dye so I'm going to knock out everyone who comes into contact with me with a toxic headbutt. I can't lose.
Richards: I hate to do this to you Blue lady, but you don't really want to win either.
“Chelsea”: You're right. We both know that Ice Beckman is going to destroy Corey Black. And apparently Seth wouldn't let us go through with the match we planned. We were going to fight to a thirty minute time limit draw using only a lip lock as the sole offensive move.
Narrator: Alex decides on another mask this time pulling out the mask of Louis Bartkowski.
“Louis”: You may think I don't have a chance but I don't care about that. I'm just happy no one has called me the Cleveland Steamer instead of the Cleveland Mad Man! Although it is kind of fitting, I do wrestle pretty crappy. And my dressing room is really the washroom. Come to think of it I actually want people to call me the Cleveland Steamer!
Richards: Okay Cleveland Steamer, you know you're not winning War right?
“Loius”: That goes without saying.
Narrator: Alex sets down The Mad Man's mask and pulls out the mask of Jayson Price.
“Price”: You remember when I used to be good. Me neither. I don't know if it's because of the drinking. Or because it's been so long. I mean I got a title shot this year. I got into the Ultimate Showdown. I won king of trios. But why have I won last matches in the last two months than Doc Henry and Biohazard and Tyler Walker. Damn, I do suck! Don't worry I'm going to talk a big game and claim I'm going to win War but I won't. Then I'll lose some more. But not enough to replaces Daniel Booker is the worst member of Pantheon that can't happen.
Richards: I guess you don't have a second career as a politician with all that honesty.
Narrator: Alex returns to the box of doom and this time he becomes Jay Omega!
“Omega”: I was gonna win War... but then I got high! Wait I thought I was going to win War because I was high. That's right! But seriously folks, I am not going to win War but I'm okay with that. I have enough money to buy my own wrestling federation and give myself the world title. Then keep it for 6 thousand years until I get bored and lose it to Anthony Douglas. Just kidding.. I'd never invite me. So to recap not winning War, but still richer than you.
Richards: But you know awesome parties.
“Omega”: I know.
Richards: You going to throw me a victory party when I win War?
“Omega”: I thought you said you weren't going to say you were going to win War.
Richards: Am I out smarting myself? Bah, I lied, everyone thinks they are going to win. I'm just not going to go overboard bragging about it like some people.
“Omega”: I'll gloat like hell if I win. Or bomb some small island to celebrate.
Richards: That sounds awesome.
“Omega”: I'll make sure you're on it first.
Richards: I'm so eliminating you.
“Omega”: That's why I knew I wasn't winning.
Narrator: Alex removes the mask and reaches back into the box this time pulling out the mask belonging to Kaz Mazy.
“Kaz”: Has any federation ever had a world champion with a ridiculous name like Kaz Mazy? Of course not! And you know I chose that name right? That's because even I don't think I'm going to win War. But wouldn't it be sweet if I did. I mean my underground show would get tons of viewers if the world champion appeared on it every single week. But alas, it's more likely to get canceled and I wind up in Mexico hosting a donkey show than that happening.
Richards: If you host a donkey show and I win war I'll totally appear on that.
“Kaz”: Silver lining baby!
Narrator: Alex removes the Mazy mask and puts on a Biohazard mask.
“Biohazard”: Last week I beat Logan! I'll say it again.. I beat Logan! And you saw the way the crowd was shocked into silence. Well this week I'm going to win War. And do you know why? If I win War the entire audience will die of heart attacks! Then everyone will know the name of Biohazard. Or they all have all died of heart attacks. I don't really think this stuff through probably due to 2000 weeks straight of getting dropped on my head then pinned.
Richards: To the shock of no one Biohazard isn't winning War. But he was the first television champion. So I guess that's some embarrassing trivia Seth probably wants to hide.
Narrator: Alex removes the Biohazard mask and decides to put on... the John Gable mask.
“Gable”: You know I secretly wish I was still John Gobble. No one knows this but I like low brow comedy.
Richards: Hey me too!
“Gable”: No kidding. But did you know I own every season of the Trailer Park Boys? I have a tattoo of Uncle fester on my left butt cheek. Last week I knew that Bryan Worthy won the act off. Groot is amazing! When I'm flying over that top rope I want you all to know... I think Bogart is a hack... long live Pauly Shore!
Richards: I should boot you in the encino, man.
“Gable”: That doesn't make sense.
Richards: Punch you in the biodome?
“Gable: That doesn't make sense either.
Richards: You see, this whole thinking you're better than everyone is why no one likes you.
“Gable”: I know. I miss having friends.
Narrator: Alex does a really bad fake cry then removes the Gable mask and pulls out a Torture mask, he then looks around and pulls out Gravedigger's mask as well.
Richards: You know what. Everyone else is going to talk more about these people. But not me. Torture, Gravedigger we all know you don't really care about War. We all know you are just here because of the past. I'm sick of people showing up, thinking their past glories are enough to get by. Thinking that they can show up for War and get a whole lot of attention, a whole lot of press, a whole lot of respect. Then what are they going to do? Make a respectable showing, lose, then ride off into the sunset until their next comeback. Everyone knows you guys aren't in this to win and no one admits it. Well I'll say it. And if I get the chance maybe I'll eliminate one of you and prove my point.
Narrator: And with that Alex reaches back into the box and this time pulls out the mask for Jeff Purse.
“Purse”: Everyone used to think I was a pretty funny guy. But I knew I could do better. And look at me now! Religious whack job taking orders from a puppet... hilarious! But you know I owe to all to unoriginally. I stole my preacher man from Steeltoe Joe. And I stole the whole attacking random targets thing from the Blue Lady Group. You know what I can't steal though... a win in War!
Richards: Just thought I'd be the first to tell you. I'm going to steal Father Terry and use him to preform a whole puppetry of the penis bit.
“Purse”: That's a sin!\
Richards: Playing rock music?
“Purse”: That's a sin!
Richards: Wearing different colored socks?
“Purse”: Definitely a sin... heathen!
Richards: Making fun of your religious cult?
“Purse”: Completely right! Umm.. I mean big time sin!
Narrator: Alex puts the mask back and this time pulls out Steeltoe Joe's mask.
“Joe”: Hey, that's right! You can't steal my gimmick! I mean since I came back I haven't actually been winning. I lost the people's title match. I lost to Ice a bunch, I lost to the Blue Lady a bunch. And now... now I'm losing my identity too? Actually that might be a good thing. I mean at least that way after I lose War people are still going to remember me. Intimation is the sincerest form of flattery. Besides my prayers could be answered.
Richards: Dare I ask what are you praying for?
“Joe”: Everyone else to be struck by lightning of course! And when that happens... who am I kidding.. you'd probably survive it and win War anyways.
Richards: Like I always say, no brain, no pain.
“Joe”: Father, why have you forsaken me? I'm screwed.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Joe mask and tries for a new mask then times he becomes... Shawn Scholes.
“Scholes”:..................
Richards: Um.. you're supposed to be talking now.
“Scholes”:........
Richards: You move your lip and sound comes out.
“Scholes”: Thanks, I forgot how to do that. Now that I'm talking again I'm going to tell the world I'm God's gift to wrestling. I'm going to be the winner not only of War, but of any war scheduled this year. That Ali guy wishes he was the greatest. I'm the greatest.
Richards: I wish you were still not talking.
“Scholes”: It's amazing how often I hear that.
Richards: Are you done yet?
“Scholes”: I could brag for another two hours but no one wants to listen or believes me anyways so let's say yes.
Narrator: Fortunately Alex moves off this time pulling out Brent Alpine's name from the box.
“Alpine”: When did Cormack start hanging out with such cool people? I'm jealous. Since I returned I have been trying to form a new Sequinas. But nobody knows what Sequinas means so no luck! Is it crazy that being my time off all I did was eat bacon? I miss Percy so much.
Richards: You don't seem concerned about War.
“Alpine”: Nah, if I lose War, I'm going to watch Babe:Pig in the City afterwards. If I win I'm going to do the same thing. But really I'm not going to talk about War right now, call me when it's right before the match.
Richards: So what are you going to talk about?
|”Alpine”: That classic 80s movies Porky, Charlotte's Web, pork sausages...
Narrator: One man wearing a shirt with a picture of bacon on it cheers wildly. His hat made out of a felt strip of bacon almost falling off. The rest of the crowd seems happy that Alex is moving on to.... Tyler Walker.
“Walker”: I hope the world never figures out why Johnny Fly took me under his wing. No one does more roids than Johnny Fly. And when he's not taking them himself he's dealing them to other wrestlers. Although with growth hormone hence his freakish size.
Richards: So why he did want to teach you again?
“Walker”: I'm his biggest customer! But in War and in any other match I have ever I prove the stereotypes wrong. Roid rage is a myth, it doesn't make me fight better at all.
Richards: I don't care about the steroids or about Johnny Fly at the moment. I want to know about being a space werewolf.
“Walker”: It's all about howling at the moon! When you're in space... you're closer to the moon! Other than that, it's not so great. All the other space werewolves laugh at me. They wonder how a werewolf of superhuman size and strength does so poorly. I don't have an answer.
Narrator: Alex removes his mask and this time he puts on the mask of Isaac Salinger.
“Salinger”: Wait a minute. I'm a manager. Why on earth am I in War? I'm retired.
Richards: Maybe you'll win?
“Salinger”: Let me put it to you this way, I didn't wrestle in the XWCWF. Everyone is looking at the screen with blank faces thinking about right now. And that's exactly it. I'm in War for one reason and one reason only. War needed more fodder!
Narrator: Alex removes the Salinger mask and this time reaches deep into the box towards the bottom of the box and becomes... The Ultimate Destroyer.
“Destroyer”: I wanted to be the Ultimate Warrior but that name was copywrited! So I legally changed my name to Destroyer! So I could be the Destroyer! This is War and I'm the destroyer, I'm barely smart enough to make a clever connection! War destroys people you see.
Richards: That wasn't really that clever.
“Destroyer”: It is for me damnit! I'm getting tired. This is more words then I normally say! Move on! I said move on!
Richards: We're really getting some good stuff here tonight. I can hardly wait to unveil more secrets.
Narrator: And Alex begins to do just that reaching in and pulling out Deuce Murdoch.
“Murdoch”: I'm in this match for one reason and one reason only... to call out Zombie McMorris!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the box and pulls out the zombie mask.
“Zombie”: What do you want bitch?
“Murdoch”: I'm not winning War and you're not winning War.
“Zombie”: Zombies don't think so I don't know that.
“Murdoch”: What I'm thinking is, you love drugs I love drugs let's skip War and do drugs.
“Zombie”: Zombie like. No brains! Coked out Madman!
“Murdoch”: I had my fake limb made out of pot anyways. Let's go smoke so much we can't even find our way to the ring anyways.
“Zombie”: Zombie like. Zombie know we were gonna win anyways. Brain... dead.
“Murdoch”: This is what being a gonzo journalist is all about. If you aren't Hunter you just get screwed up and never taste success!
Narrator: Alex stops switching back and forth between the two masks and elects to select a new mask. This time he becomes... Jahani al-Reb.
“al-Reb”: You want to know secret?
Richards: Sure why not.
“al-Reb”: I'm not really Muslim. I just went prematurely bald and so I got the head covering.
Richards: I wish I would have thought of that. Wait no.. that's stupid.
“al-Reb”: Infidel!
Richards: So everyone who disagrees with you is an infidel?
“al-Reb”: Pretty much. That trick kills at parties! Now.. silence... I kill you! I'm a huge Jeff Dunham fan.
Richards: So about War?
“al-Reb”: I'm going to claim I know a lot about War. But really, I'm lying. The closest thing I ever came to war was playing war with my legos. By the way in my lego war I finished second. So that means I should do almost that good in the real war.
Richards: Umm.. you were the only one playing. How did you still lose?
“al-Reb”: Had to keep it realistic... Infidel!
Narrator: Before he receives death threats Alex decides to move on. Stopping briefly for another Zim-Quila in a cowboy boot he then pulls out Johnny Reb.
“Reb”: I have no relation to that guy at all. Just wanted you all to know that. Now I should trash talk about War but I'm not going to. I went to the future and I didn't win. I'd just look sad and pathetic if I trash talked then got proven wrong. However even though I'm not winning War I'm totally winning a lot of money beating on the results. The timekeeper... he's really my bookie anyways.
Richards: That's a great idea dude! Can you let me know who's winning?
“Reb”: Justin Cash.
Richards: Huh, didn't see that coming. I should congratulate him.
Narrator: Alex returns to the now nearly empty box of masks and picks out Justin Cash's mask.
“Cash”: Even I don't think I won.
“Reb”: Yeah I was just joking.
“Cash”: It would have been cool right?
Richards: Damn there goes my bet.
“Reb”: Serves you right. You did attack me last week.
“Cash”: Yeah!
Richards: Did that really add anything?
“Cash”: Last week I piggybacked on the Blue Lady's work. This time I'm piggybacking on Johnny Reb's work. During the battle royal, I'll probably just walk around watching other people fight.. Yay... slacking.
Richards: That might be the smartest thing I ever heard out of you.
“Cash”: Since I thought forming a team with Dave the Bouncer was a good idea that's probably a safe bet.
Narrator: Alex sets down both masks and goes for a new one.. this time he becomes Doc Henry.
“Doc”: I've been here forever but how have I never won the big one? No war, no ultimate showdown, no world title. Recently though I'd be doing some great work. I played hooky from the WCF to work on my moonshine still.
Richards: I always knew you were smarter than people give you credit for.
“Doc”: I ain't never gonna win the world title but my moonshine... now that's world class. I even paid Brent Alpine to nickname himself “The Shine” just to advertise my moonshine.
Richards: Isn't selling your own hooch illegal?
“Doc”: Maybe I'm not smarter than you thought. Ah well, back to drinking.
Richards: I know he's not going to do well in War but anyone with moonshine is good people in my books.
Narrator: Alex puts down the Doc Henry mask and selects his next one, don't worry we're almost done, this time he becomes Bobby Cairo.
“Cairo”: I am back in War for one reason and one reason only... Logan is not! Now the Thickness doesn't fear Logan that would be stupid. The Thickness fears... The Great Catsby. You call how he beat my ass the last time we got in the ring together. That's embarrassing. Getting beaten up by a giant mechanical cat. I hope no one brings that up. I mean who is going to take Bobby Cairo as a serious threat knowing I got my butt kicked by a dead kitty.
Richards: That isn't even my problem with you Bobby. My problem is you were one half of the tag team champions then you and your partner quit.
“Cairo”: That's just smart. We knew we were going to lose those tag team titles soon. But by quitting as champions due to lack of competition we didn't have to worry about someone beating us.
Richards: In that case I have a great plan. When you enter War, the minute you see me drop to the mat and allow me to pin you. That way you can claim you threw War.
“Cairo”: Brilliant! My thickness loves that idea. Especially since you would have beaten me anyways. That way I can claim you wouldn't have.
Richards: I can see where some of those veterans heads are at. Looking good at the expense of young talent in spite of the fact they know their time has passed.
Narrator: Alex tosses aside the Cairo mask with disgust then puts on one of the last masks, Bryan Worthy.
“Buzz”: Holy crap.. I'm the television champion.
Richards: Congratulations. I'm all for anyone who shuts up John Gable.
“Buzz”: I need to draw a late number.
Richards: Why's that?
“Buzz”: My 15 minutes of fame are almost up.
Richards: Cheer up, you'll still be the television champion.
“Buzz”: ..... You see this is why I do interviews. Everyone else is more interesting than me. OH well I get paid to be window dressing at War. That's pretty sweet right?
Richards: I guess, if that's what you're into.
“Buzz”: You have seen my record right? I'm clearly not into winning.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Buzz Worthy mask and pulls out the Hyena mask.
“Hyena”: Step one.. scent the ring! Step two... I wish I was a dingo so I could eat babies! Step three... profit!
Richards: How do you profit?
“Hyena”: I don't know. If I had Whoop Ass beer I might have remembered. Stupid Omega, stupid Ice.
Richards: Don't worry Hyena, I'll help you get revenge. Ice may have gotten the beer but I'm getting revenge. He took the thing that meant the most to me. I'm going to win War and take the thing that means the most to him... the WCF world championship!
“Hyena”: That's a better plan than mine. Detox during War and hope the shakes help me.
Narrator: Alex takes off the Hyena mask and puts on a Livewire mask.
“Livewire”: You know what... I can't do this. I can't come up with a single reason why I would beat Ice. The hell with War.
Narrator: Alex tosses Livewire's mask to the floor with anger. Then he pulls out the final two masks... Johnny Fly and Corey Black.
“Fly”: You're so lucky Corey. I wish I was the one who got to fake being raped by Chelsea. I mean I wouldn't know what to do with a real women if the opportunity came up but it's nice to pretend.
Richards: Yeah, I'm going to give you one hell of a beating for attempting to destroy the Blue lady's reputation. But for the record if she wanted to, she could totally rape both of your bitch asses. Not that she would waste her time doing so.
“Fly”: Yeah I know. I actually hope someone else gets rid of me before you guys get your hands on me again.
Richards: I'll make sure we do Fly. Your time is just about over. You've been here, taking all the opportunities, keeping everyone down for too long. At War this year, we prove your time is up. The Pantheon is a joke these days. And not even a funny one.
“Corey”: Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm the king of all wrestlers! I mean I beat Logan to win a world title shot! Biohazard also beat Logan so I guess that isn't very impressive is it. And Ice is going to make me his personal bitch so yeah I'm going to look pretty bad. But hey I get the chance to win War and... umm... lose twice to Ice. Fortunately for me Adam Young isn't in War this year. Losing to him again would be embarrassing. It would show just how far I feel.
Richards: Even if Adam Young was in War he wouldn't pin you. I'd eliminate him myself just to get to you. Corey, I don't think it's some sort of forgone conclusion I'm going to win War. But I'm going to eliminate you Corey Black. You took my tag team championship and ended my partnership with Oblivion. That beating we gave you two weeks ago, that's going to be nothing compared to War.
Narrator: Alex looks in the box realizes it's empty and then takes a bow to massive cheering from his fan base.
Richards: Next world champion... maybe? Next People's champion? Definitely. One thing is for sure.. when the night is over I'm going to be somewhere shouting YOLO ADRIAN,I GOT IT.... BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Fade To Black
