Post by Kaz on Sept 23, 2014 16:38:36 GMT -5
A long ass fucking time ago...
Ring Announcer: This match is an over the top battle royal...and it is for the MPX Championship!!!
All six competitors stand in the ring, Kaz included. He's dressed in some kind of indy body paint bullshit. Looking good. You know. Anyways, the other five competitors are all standing in opposite corners of the ring, looking battle ready. But Kaz's eyes are intense, like he knows determinedly that he's going to win this shit. Probably will. He looks around at the other guys - who all stand at least a foot taller than he – and prepares for the bell to ring. Which it does, obviously.
DING DING DING!
The match begins and Kaz leaps at his first target – some joe blow from nowhere.
Kaz: ANACONDA SQUEEEEZE!
He latches on to the man around the torso and compresses as hard as he can, pulling him towards the ropes all at the same time. Kaz plants his feet on the ground, gives the guy a sweet belly to belly suplex , and eliminates him by throwing him over the top rope. The guy hits the ground with a fat plop as the crowd cheers Kaz on. Kaz jumps around in the ring, celebrating with the crowd...but is stopped as one of the other bums he's fighting rushes him with a forearm to the face. Kaz falls backwards into the ropes as the guy charges him again...but Kaz lifts him up with a hip toss, sending that asshole over the top rope and eliminating him as well.
Crowd: LETS GO MAZY! LETS GO MAZY!
This time, Kaz doesn't take time to celebrate, instead relishing in the fact that he just eliminated another one of these jerks as he moved on to his next target. Some big fat Asian fuck named Megasho. Who was this guy? Probably one of the fattest dudes on the indy scene and also current MPX Champion. He stood at about six foot two and weighed god damn four hundred pounds...but that didn't matter to Kaz. All he saw was another pair of legs to throw over the top rope. The two others were trying to work together to put Megasho over the ropes, but to no avail. Megasho planted his ham hawk mother fuck fists into the small of each of their backs, knocking them off of him and dazing them at the same time. I mean, come on. His fists are the size of dolphins for fucks sake. Megasho grabbed one of them by the throat and tossed him effortlessly over the top rope and he hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Kaz gulped, then wiped the sweat from his brow. The other guy looked at Kaz like “Let's get this dude!”...but Kaz had other plans. The guy ran at Megasho and tried to hit him with a spear, but absorbed into his giant gut like it was made out of play dough. The guy hit the mat as Megasho's gut chewed him up and spit him out. Kaz's eyes widened at the display of fortitude from Megasho.
Crowd: LETS GO MAZY! LETS GO MAZY!
Megasho lifted the guy off the mat then tossed him over the rope like he was nothing but a pillow, then turned his hungry eyes towards Kaz. The word hesitation was almost nonexistent to Kaz – I mean, it was in his dictionary, like he's not an idiot he knows what it means, but he chose to act instead of holding back. Boom. That one was for the dummies. Kaz bounded at Megasho...who lifted Kaz right off his feet and held him up in the air over his head. Kaz's legs wiggled and jiggled as he tried to free himself from Megasho's grasp...but Megasho was moving towards the ropes. Slowly, of course. Mother fuckers gigantic afterall. But with each step he took towards the ropes, Kaz's heart began to drop...slide...whatever to his stomach. They were right next to the ropes when he saw Sophia sitting ringside. He looked at her beautiful eyes, her long flowing brown hair, her lips quivered in anticipation. That's when Kaz knew he couldn't let her down. This match was for it all. It was for the MPX Championship; the thing he had coveted...NAY!...had earned, ever since he had started wrestling for this company. Also, if he won he would get paid a lot of money and he had his rent to think about. Gotta pay the rent. And all of his fans? All the people with Kaz Mazy tattoos? They would have to get them removed. They would have to laser off their Kaz Mazy tattoos...
Kaz: NOOOOOOO!
Kaz struggled harder and harder...until he freed himself from Megasho's grasp. He situated himself with his legs around Megasho's neck, who tried to powerbomb him out of the ring...but Kaz held on to Megasho's neck, struggling like hell to pull him over the top rope. He struggled and struggled and struggled...until finally, Megasho lost balance and toppled over the top rope. Megasho hit the apron, almost tearing the entire ring down with him as he bounced off at hit the mat. Kaz grabbed onto the ropes and kept himself on the apron as the referee called for the bell.
DING DING DING!!!
Ring Announcer: YOUR WINNER...AND NEW MPX CHAMPION...KAZ MAAAAAAZY!!!
The crowd erupted in cheers as the ring hand handed the MPX Championship to the referee, who handed it to Kaz. The referee held Kaz's hand up as Kaz celebrated wildly. Could you blame him? Kaz kicked some serious fucking ass in that match.
Present time...
Kaz sat in his normal seat at the studio where he and Wilmer recorded Unfiltered. This time, the studio was empty and Kaz sat alone. He listened to the silence of the walls as they echoed the sounds of the past. He almost told them to shut up, but realized that would have been a little bit crazy, even for him. He knew he had what it takes to win War. I mean, you saw the last scene right? He beat the brakes off of everyone in that match and pulled that fat bastard over the top rope to win the thing...but that wasn't what was on his mind. He had bought an engagement ring for Sophia and he planned on giving it to her...but he didn't know if she would accept it. She had mostly accepted him for all of his quirks, but he didn't know if she saw him as husband material. I mean, he was on the road most of the time now, only stopping for a few days here and there. She didn't seem to mind, but he felt like it was eating her up inside. I mean, she was right there with him at ringside every Sunday night – which he attributed his victories to – but was it enough? Oh, man woes. Kaz laughed at himself for sitting here and over thinking something as simple as a proposal, but had no problem staring down a four hundred pound Asian and tossing him over the top rope. He put it in the back of his mind for now and decided to focus on his opponents for War. He hit the record button on a camera he had set up previously before this scene started and stood against the wall that had a Masturbation Nation banner set up on it.
“What up y'all!” Kaz yelled into the camera, “The Crazy One here busting out another promo for that Dubya – Cee – Eff! This time, it's not Kaz Mazy versus two guys who should still be jobbing out on the Indy Scene, but Kaz Mazy versus thirty one other wrestlers who have as much to gain from this match as I do...or do they? Let's find out.”
Kaz pulls a slip of paper from out of his pocket. Probably a list of his War opponents names or some shit. He begins to go down the list of names, confirming that it IS indeed a list of his opponents names. Who was worried that it wasn't? Was it you?
“First off...Shawn Scholes and Tobias Barnz. I absolutely demolished these two guys in our little triple threat match. If I was worried that they stood any kind of chance in this match, that all dissipated last week when I perfectly stomped them into the ground. I would be surprised if they even showed up this week after the embarrassment I put them through last week. There's not enough face paint in the world to cover up that shame, Barnz...and Scholes, you're like twice my size. You should have had that match in the bag, but you didn't. You know why? Because I'm better than you. It's pretty simple, really, if you think about it. Show up, don't show up. I don't care, I'm going to beat you either way.”
Kaz moves on to the next name on the list, obviously.
“ISAAC SALINGER? Are you an actual wrestler? I heard this guy was trying to get people to sign up to work underneath him, but absolutely nobody was interested. It's not his fault though. In fact, I feel bad for the guy. I know the selfishness that is more than prevalent in the WCF locker room, having seen it first hand. Nobody is trying to help each other get to the top and they only care about their own status in this company. I wish I could say this was something that only happened in the WCF...but I would be wrong, Isaac. This attitude exists everywhere, my nig. My goal is to beat this attitude out of everyone and make them see that the villains wouldn't exist without the Die Hard Hero. The biggest favor you could do yourself is jump over the top rope, eliminate yourself, and take your place outside of the ring where you belong. If you could MANAGE that?”
Kaz laughs at his own joke. A little narcissistic, yes...but Kaz is a little crazy. Besides, he's not some self absorbed douche...which brings segues into the next name on the list.
“Corey. Black. The walking Diet Coke plug. Black's a gangster y'all. He used to do as much coke as Steven Orbit, but he had to switch to diet because it burnt his throat. What does this guy have like five fucking title shots on deck right now? Current Cruiserweight Champion, number one contender for the WCF World Championship at Slam 300...and he has a match for the tag team titles in the same night? How many times did he have to slurp on Seth's knob to get these matches? Even Isiaah Chavis wouldn't sink to those levels bro. I know you have some talent, but anybody can be talented when they're just put in jobber match after jobber match. Cruiserweight Title Match with Nate Nytro, Isiaah Chavis, and Robert Wolf? Easy as pie. Tag Team Championship match against Alexander Richards and Oblivion? I can't step into the dressing room without running into nine guys who have beaten Oblivion. Problem is, you have to eventually step into the ring with somebody who has actual talent. Also known as...ME. Kaz MAZY! Now I know just how self engrossed you are Black and you're going to definitely disparage me and everyone else in this match by calling me a jobber, and that's fine. BUT COME ON! How far is that really going to get you? Probably over the top rope. Yeah, I like that.”
Kaz goes down one more name on his list.
“Now on to your boyfriend, Johnny Fly. If there was somebody who was more captivated with their self than Corey Black, it's definitely Johnny Fly. This guy's twitter handle should be “AT”UPMYOWNASS. He's trying to make everyone believe that he has little Tyler Walker's best interest at heart, but we all know he's just trying to acquire TyWalk's lycanthropic blood so he can live forever and just stare at himself in the mirror all day. I hope you bought yourself a condo on the moon, because you're going to be pretty embarrassed whenever I show you how it's done in this match. Even if I don't get to eliminate you myself, I'll be celebrating like hell whenever you are because you're a douche.”
Kaz moves on to the next name.
“BioWalker. Connected at the tip of their dicks. A little...space docking, if I may. Or, they were before Fly got in their and messed up TyWalk worse than he already is. I know Biohazard has a win over Logan, but who doesn't. I'm pretty sure Logan's lost more than Oblivion and that's saying something. The best thing these two idiots could do is just keep anal fisting each other in the locker room and not even bother to show up to the match because all they're going to do is make damn fools out of themselves. I mean, worse than they do in their promos already. You guys have a worse chance than Ultimate Destroyer of winning this match...and his chances are slim to none.”
All the sudden, the paper in Kaz's hand turns into a scroll as he realizes there are a shit ton of competitors in this match. But the shoot must go on.
“Next up, you got Steve Orbit and Jay Price. Two bitter rivals who both seceded from Pantheon. Why? Probably because Black, Fly, and the silent member Jeff Purse are all assholes. But we already know that. Maybe they saw greener pastures and decided to head for the hills? Either way, it makes them weak. The only thing they've been doing since they broke away from that team is have match after match with each other, so I'll be surprised if they still remember how to put on a match with somebody else, or even wrestle for that matter. It's pretty funny actually, Jay Price is trying to break down the arena doors to get in the building week after week but he can hardly show up for a match. Irony, something that isn't wasted on me. Well, Jay, if you decide to actually show up for this match, it will probably be the biggest mistake you've ever made. You'll probably get eliminated by B-Haz or TyWalker or something even more embarrassing than perpetually failing week after week. Steve Orbit is the current Hardcore Champion, but he only won that on a technicality because he wasn't good enough to beat ICE Beckman. Who has he beaten to retain that belt as of late? Nobody. He's just been pussyfooting around waiting for his match against Livewire at Slam 300. He'll say that's just the way it is, that his match is in the books and that's why he hasn't defended that belt...but truth be told, he's afraid to have a match against anybody that isn't Jayson Price. If he was really hardcore, he wouldn't be so worried about Isiaah putting the chocolate moves on him and be more worried about putting forth his best effort. I'm pretty sure he isn't even Chavis' type anyways. Point is, I'm not Livewire's rug man...and it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. I don't know. I'm going to beat you, Orbit. That's whats up dog.”
Kaz laughs, then moves on to the next name.
“We have a ton of returns on the card for War, all the way from Brent Alpine and Jeff Purse to Torture, Gravedigger, and Bobby Cairo. You know, we've all seen it a thousand times. Guy leaves. Guy makes comeback. Guy wins big match to go on to an even bigger match...but that's not how it works in the real world dudes.
Brent Alpine, you better get back on Ostrich that flew you over here. Can Ostrich's fly? I don't know, but it's not the point I'm trying to make. The point I'm trying to make is you're going to lose Alpine. Try to throw up all them five five nine's you want. It won't matter in the end. AHH I'm gonna hit ya hard, AHH I'm gonna hit ya fast, AHH I'm gonna hit ya first! I'm not afraid to get my word out there early, because there's nothing anyone can do to null them. My words are more than just words, boss. They're truth. Everyone tries to shut out my truth as inane jargon rambling, but on two separate occasions I've gone out and absolutely wowed the WCF universe with my mad skills. It just so happens that the third time they're going to be wowed by me, I'll be winning the biggest match of my career. War X EYE EYE EYE is about Kaz Mazy, not a returning Brent Alpine. Sorry about it dude.
Speaking of prolific returns...we've got the motherfucking death defying, gravity riding, Lord of the Poon, The GODFATHER of Professional Wrestling...Bobby MF Cairo. I have to say man...you're one of my heroes. I marked out whenever you quadriplegic'd your way to the ring Sunday Night. It made my day...no, it made my life. You were one of the X-factors that helped put WCW and WWE out of business. So much personality and so much talent in one guy that this match is threatening to burst at the seams. Your return will make my victory in this match so much sweeter Cairo. I hope I get to stand in the same ring as you so I have the chance to eliminate you. Everyone thinks it's going to be them. Corey Black is probably salivating over the chance to make you one of the jobbers he gets to kill...but we all know that the honor of your removal from this match falls on my broad liberal Texas shoulders. I hope we can still be friends after I toss you over the rope and win this match. In fact, I'm sure we can. You're definitely the kind of guy who enjoys a challenge, right?
Challenges. The thrill of a challenge is what drives us all to compete and become better than we were last week. It what brings these guys back from the brink of death. That's what drives guys like Gravedigger and Torture out of retirement so they can come try and take a piece. These guys are trying to make some glorious comeback at the expense of the members of the roster who show up week after week and put in work that they can be proud of...but these guys. These guys are willing to capitalize on confusion and come into War to have one last go at honor and glory. Gravedigger...Torture...I know that you two have accomplished so many things in the WCF...but it's never about what you've done, it's about what you've done lately...and lately, you two have done nothing to be proud of. Gravedigger has left his position in the WCF, so I'm not sure how he's still even in this match...and last I heard of Torture, he no showed a tag team match with Steve Orbit against Waylon Cash and something something SPAC nobody cares. Steve Orbit put all his eggs in the Torture basket, but Torture let him down. Or maybe Torture was afraid of Steve Orbit letting him down. I don't know. I don't care. All I know, is these two guys aren't going to make MY most important match about themselves. That's not how this is going to happen.”
Kaz sighs as he keeps moving down the list. God damn there's a lot of people in this match. No matter. They don't stand a chance against Kaz Mazy.
“Another person who doesn't stand a chance in this match...Deuce Murdock. I've beaten Deuce Murdock once before and I can do it again. I know this match won't be the same match we had two weeks ago...but your chances haven't improved homey. You might think I'm just some liberal asshole from Fort Worth...but I'm so much more than that. I'm the liberal asshole from Fort Worth who has your number. Also, I can talk to animals, so there's that too. I don't even have to pin your shoulders to the mat to win this time, bro. I just have to make sure both of your feet touch the concrete outside. I can just take your prosthetic off and throw it over the top rope. One foot down, one more to go. It's as simple as that dude.
Then you got that ZMAC...a dude who's not so simple. A little voodoo magic from a nigga name Schneedy or Schmeel or Schnieder or some such bullshit and all of a sudden, he's all that? No dude, it doesn't work like that either. If Jay Omega can put you down, one on one, I can throw you over the top rope in a thirty man match. Maybe I can give you the same treatment as Murdock and rip your leg off, then I just have one more to go. I mean...you are a zombie, right? Or are you a liar? What are you? Because you're not the WCF. Kaz Mazy is the WCF. Then. Now. Forever. Even after I'm long gone from this earth and you're still undeading across the place, you'll look back and think...”God damn, Kaz Mazy is better than me. I wish I could die so I didn't have to feel this shame. But alas, I can't. I guess I'll just walk this planet never knowing life and never knowing love. But Honey Badger don't give a shit so what can I say?”
Then we have Alex Richards. Seriously, no matter how this match goes down, I think we should go get a beer afterwords. Jay Omega, Livewire, and Hyena can all come along and I'll buy you all a bottle of Whoop Ass Beer. Does it come in a bottle? I don't know. I'll get you all a can though...right after I open a can on you all at War. If I thought I was crazy, it's nothing compared to Alex Richards. This guy should nail a board to his forehead that says “BEWARE OF ATTACK LAWYER” because I'm not really sure what to put on it. All I know, is this guy tells us all to beware, I'll tell him where to be...over the top rope and out of this match. This is seriously going to be one fuck of a match, isn't it? Yes. Yes it is.
Jay Omega, current US Champion. I would say this guy is crazy, but he's actually more of a retard. You living on a space ship bro? Got that altitude sickness and space dementia if you think you're going to win this match. Dude, anyone could have put down Zombie McMorris...I mean, didn't Anthony Douglas get a pinfall victory over the guy in the last month? I'm pretty sure that happened. Either way, you got one retention under your belt against Hyena. I can talk to animals and I was on web cam chat with a couple of real hyena's the other day and they said that Hyena was a joke. Why would he be the only person The Great Destroyer is trying to come after? Must be some terrible personal joke between he and a friend, something to make him appear tougher when in reality he's just an angry angry person who can't seem to catch a win here or there. Maybe if The Great Destroyer inhabits your body Omega, you'll have a chance in hell of winning this match...but that doesn't seem likely considering he's only exists in scenarios that involve Hyena. Odd. Odd indeed.
Oh my god, do you know how many fucking people are in this match? We got – just to name a few – Steel Toe Joe, Chelsea Armstrong, John Gable, Louis Bartkowski, Daniel Booker, and Jahani Al' Reb. Jesus motherfucking christ. I could shoot for days on these mother licks...but I guess in order to save your and my precious time, I'll lump em together because that's what balla's do. What have you guys done that's held any form of relevance? Chelsea's just been attacking people backstage that she can't hack it with in the ring, and just to prove my point, she's pretty much lost every single match she's been in the past couple of weeks, minus one where she was on a team with clearly more talented people. Jahani Al' Reb has one prevalent win under his belt against Deuce Murdock, somebody I also put down two weeks ago. Daniel Booker hasn't really done anything besides no show a match and win one, but somehow managed to find himself a spot amongst Pantheon? I guess I should apply as well. Maybe they have a spot open for me that I can blatantly refuse because who would want to be on that garbage team, ammirite? John Gable held the Television Championship for god knows how long, but can anybody tell me a single thing about this guy? What did he do that was noteworthy other than keep a belt warm for Bryan “Buzz” Worthy? It's like, they couldn't decide what to do with the guy so they fed him jobber after jobber so he can look strong, but all it did was make him complacent. He got comfortable in his little mid-card rut and decided to do something about it...So he lost his belt to Bryan Worthy as some kind of...message? I don't know. The only thing he told me by doing that was he can't hang in the midcard anymore, let alone in this match full of WCF's top talent...including me, Jerry Mazy. Should I even mention Louis Bartkowski? Is there a point? Will he even come down to the ring when his music hits? Is it even his? I'm pretty sure I heard the same song on the WCF network while watching an old episode of Monday Night Raw...Gillberg, I think was his name. It doesn't make sense. Is Seth really hurting that bad for characters he's got to rip them off from failed promotions that he's acquired? I guess so. Don't worry, Sethy Poo...Kaz Baby is here to change that. I have so much character, it's leaking out of my ass...In like, a good way.”
Kaz strums over the rest of the list, generally uninterested.
“My gosh, I can't even anymore. I think I've said enough. Look y'all...I'm going to win War. It's more certain than my victory last week was. It's not going to be a thirty second victory...but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is standing in the ring at the end of the match with my arm raised in utter victory. To be the best, you have to pass the test. Kaz Mazy is the new measuring stick...and if you're all ready to get down, then you better be ready for something a lotta crazy. You can all throw down your piece, then I'll throw down another. I'm fucking tasty like that, with those mad skills. Now, if you mother f's will excuse me...I have a girlfriend to propose to. Slater gators!”
Ring Announcer: This match is an over the top battle royal...and it is for the MPX Championship!!!
All six competitors stand in the ring, Kaz included. He's dressed in some kind of indy body paint bullshit. Looking good. You know. Anyways, the other five competitors are all standing in opposite corners of the ring, looking battle ready. But Kaz's eyes are intense, like he knows determinedly that he's going to win this shit. Probably will. He looks around at the other guys - who all stand at least a foot taller than he – and prepares for the bell to ring. Which it does, obviously.
DING DING DING!
The match begins and Kaz leaps at his first target – some joe blow from nowhere.
Kaz: ANACONDA SQUEEEEZE!
He latches on to the man around the torso and compresses as hard as he can, pulling him towards the ropes all at the same time. Kaz plants his feet on the ground, gives the guy a sweet belly to belly suplex , and eliminates him by throwing him over the top rope. The guy hits the ground with a fat plop as the crowd cheers Kaz on. Kaz jumps around in the ring, celebrating with the crowd...but is stopped as one of the other bums he's fighting rushes him with a forearm to the face. Kaz falls backwards into the ropes as the guy charges him again...but Kaz lifts him up with a hip toss, sending that asshole over the top rope and eliminating him as well.
Crowd: LETS GO MAZY! LETS GO MAZY!
This time, Kaz doesn't take time to celebrate, instead relishing in the fact that he just eliminated another one of these jerks as he moved on to his next target. Some big fat Asian fuck named Megasho. Who was this guy? Probably one of the fattest dudes on the indy scene and also current MPX Champion. He stood at about six foot two and weighed god damn four hundred pounds...but that didn't matter to Kaz. All he saw was another pair of legs to throw over the top rope. The two others were trying to work together to put Megasho over the ropes, but to no avail. Megasho planted his ham hawk mother fuck fists into the small of each of their backs, knocking them off of him and dazing them at the same time. I mean, come on. His fists are the size of dolphins for fucks sake. Megasho grabbed one of them by the throat and tossed him effortlessly over the top rope and he hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Kaz gulped, then wiped the sweat from his brow. The other guy looked at Kaz like “Let's get this dude!”...but Kaz had other plans. The guy ran at Megasho and tried to hit him with a spear, but absorbed into his giant gut like it was made out of play dough. The guy hit the mat as Megasho's gut chewed him up and spit him out. Kaz's eyes widened at the display of fortitude from Megasho.
Crowd: LETS GO MAZY! LETS GO MAZY!
Megasho lifted the guy off the mat then tossed him over the rope like he was nothing but a pillow, then turned his hungry eyes towards Kaz. The word hesitation was almost nonexistent to Kaz – I mean, it was in his dictionary, like he's not an idiot he knows what it means, but he chose to act instead of holding back. Boom. That one was for the dummies. Kaz bounded at Megasho...who lifted Kaz right off his feet and held him up in the air over his head. Kaz's legs wiggled and jiggled as he tried to free himself from Megasho's grasp...but Megasho was moving towards the ropes. Slowly, of course. Mother fuckers gigantic afterall. But with each step he took towards the ropes, Kaz's heart began to drop...slide...whatever to his stomach. They were right next to the ropes when he saw Sophia sitting ringside. He looked at her beautiful eyes, her long flowing brown hair, her lips quivered in anticipation. That's when Kaz knew he couldn't let her down. This match was for it all. It was for the MPX Championship; the thing he had coveted...NAY!...had earned, ever since he had started wrestling for this company. Also, if he won he would get paid a lot of money and he had his rent to think about. Gotta pay the rent. And all of his fans? All the people with Kaz Mazy tattoos? They would have to get them removed. They would have to laser off their Kaz Mazy tattoos...
Kaz: NOOOOOOO!
Kaz struggled harder and harder...until he freed himself from Megasho's grasp. He situated himself with his legs around Megasho's neck, who tried to powerbomb him out of the ring...but Kaz held on to Megasho's neck, struggling like hell to pull him over the top rope. He struggled and struggled and struggled...until finally, Megasho lost balance and toppled over the top rope. Megasho hit the apron, almost tearing the entire ring down with him as he bounced off at hit the mat. Kaz grabbed onto the ropes and kept himself on the apron as the referee called for the bell.
DING DING DING!!!
Ring Announcer: YOUR WINNER...AND NEW MPX CHAMPION...KAZ MAAAAAAZY!!!
The crowd erupted in cheers as the ring hand handed the MPX Championship to the referee, who handed it to Kaz. The referee held Kaz's hand up as Kaz celebrated wildly. Could you blame him? Kaz kicked some serious fucking ass in that match.
Present time...
Kaz sat in his normal seat at the studio where he and Wilmer recorded Unfiltered. This time, the studio was empty and Kaz sat alone. He listened to the silence of the walls as they echoed the sounds of the past. He almost told them to shut up, but realized that would have been a little bit crazy, even for him. He knew he had what it takes to win War. I mean, you saw the last scene right? He beat the brakes off of everyone in that match and pulled that fat bastard over the top rope to win the thing...but that wasn't what was on his mind. He had bought an engagement ring for Sophia and he planned on giving it to her...but he didn't know if she would accept it. She had mostly accepted him for all of his quirks, but he didn't know if she saw him as husband material. I mean, he was on the road most of the time now, only stopping for a few days here and there. She didn't seem to mind, but he felt like it was eating her up inside. I mean, she was right there with him at ringside every Sunday night – which he attributed his victories to – but was it enough? Oh, man woes. Kaz laughed at himself for sitting here and over thinking something as simple as a proposal, but had no problem staring down a four hundred pound Asian and tossing him over the top rope. He put it in the back of his mind for now and decided to focus on his opponents for War. He hit the record button on a camera he had set up previously before this scene started and stood against the wall that had a Masturbation Nation banner set up on it.
“What up y'all!” Kaz yelled into the camera, “The Crazy One here busting out another promo for that Dubya – Cee – Eff! This time, it's not Kaz Mazy versus two guys who should still be jobbing out on the Indy Scene, but Kaz Mazy versus thirty one other wrestlers who have as much to gain from this match as I do...or do they? Let's find out.”
Kaz pulls a slip of paper from out of his pocket. Probably a list of his War opponents names or some shit. He begins to go down the list of names, confirming that it IS indeed a list of his opponents names. Who was worried that it wasn't? Was it you?
“First off...Shawn Scholes and Tobias Barnz. I absolutely demolished these two guys in our little triple threat match. If I was worried that they stood any kind of chance in this match, that all dissipated last week when I perfectly stomped them into the ground. I would be surprised if they even showed up this week after the embarrassment I put them through last week. There's not enough face paint in the world to cover up that shame, Barnz...and Scholes, you're like twice my size. You should have had that match in the bag, but you didn't. You know why? Because I'm better than you. It's pretty simple, really, if you think about it. Show up, don't show up. I don't care, I'm going to beat you either way.”
Kaz moves on to the next name on the list, obviously.
“ISAAC SALINGER? Are you an actual wrestler? I heard this guy was trying to get people to sign up to work underneath him, but absolutely nobody was interested. It's not his fault though. In fact, I feel bad for the guy. I know the selfishness that is more than prevalent in the WCF locker room, having seen it first hand. Nobody is trying to help each other get to the top and they only care about their own status in this company. I wish I could say this was something that only happened in the WCF...but I would be wrong, Isaac. This attitude exists everywhere, my nig. My goal is to beat this attitude out of everyone and make them see that the villains wouldn't exist without the Die Hard Hero. The biggest favor you could do yourself is jump over the top rope, eliminate yourself, and take your place outside of the ring where you belong. If you could MANAGE that?”
Kaz laughs at his own joke. A little narcissistic, yes...but Kaz is a little crazy. Besides, he's not some self absorbed douche...which brings segues into the next name on the list.
“Corey. Black. The walking Diet Coke plug. Black's a gangster y'all. He used to do as much coke as Steven Orbit, but he had to switch to diet because it burnt his throat. What does this guy have like five fucking title shots on deck right now? Current Cruiserweight Champion, number one contender for the WCF World Championship at Slam 300...and he has a match for the tag team titles in the same night? How many times did he have to slurp on Seth's knob to get these matches? Even Isiaah Chavis wouldn't sink to those levels bro. I know you have some talent, but anybody can be talented when they're just put in jobber match after jobber match. Cruiserweight Title Match with Nate Nytro, Isiaah Chavis, and Robert Wolf? Easy as pie. Tag Team Championship match against Alexander Richards and Oblivion? I can't step into the dressing room without running into nine guys who have beaten Oblivion. Problem is, you have to eventually step into the ring with somebody who has actual talent. Also known as...ME. Kaz MAZY! Now I know just how self engrossed you are Black and you're going to definitely disparage me and everyone else in this match by calling me a jobber, and that's fine. BUT COME ON! How far is that really going to get you? Probably over the top rope. Yeah, I like that.”
Kaz goes down one more name on his list.
“Now on to your boyfriend, Johnny Fly. If there was somebody who was more captivated with their self than Corey Black, it's definitely Johnny Fly. This guy's twitter handle should be “AT”UPMYOWNASS. He's trying to make everyone believe that he has little Tyler Walker's best interest at heart, but we all know he's just trying to acquire TyWalk's lycanthropic blood so he can live forever and just stare at himself in the mirror all day. I hope you bought yourself a condo on the moon, because you're going to be pretty embarrassed whenever I show you how it's done in this match. Even if I don't get to eliminate you myself, I'll be celebrating like hell whenever you are because you're a douche.”
Kaz moves on to the next name.
“BioWalker. Connected at the tip of their dicks. A little...space docking, if I may. Or, they were before Fly got in their and messed up TyWalk worse than he already is. I know Biohazard has a win over Logan, but who doesn't. I'm pretty sure Logan's lost more than Oblivion and that's saying something. The best thing these two idiots could do is just keep anal fisting each other in the locker room and not even bother to show up to the match because all they're going to do is make damn fools out of themselves. I mean, worse than they do in their promos already. You guys have a worse chance than Ultimate Destroyer of winning this match...and his chances are slim to none.”
All the sudden, the paper in Kaz's hand turns into a scroll as he realizes there are a shit ton of competitors in this match. But the shoot must go on.
“Next up, you got Steve Orbit and Jay Price. Two bitter rivals who both seceded from Pantheon. Why? Probably because Black, Fly, and the silent member Jeff Purse are all assholes. But we already know that. Maybe they saw greener pastures and decided to head for the hills? Either way, it makes them weak. The only thing they've been doing since they broke away from that team is have match after match with each other, so I'll be surprised if they still remember how to put on a match with somebody else, or even wrestle for that matter. It's pretty funny actually, Jay Price is trying to break down the arena doors to get in the building week after week but he can hardly show up for a match. Irony, something that isn't wasted on me. Well, Jay, if you decide to actually show up for this match, it will probably be the biggest mistake you've ever made. You'll probably get eliminated by B-Haz or TyWalker or something even more embarrassing than perpetually failing week after week. Steve Orbit is the current Hardcore Champion, but he only won that on a technicality because he wasn't good enough to beat ICE Beckman. Who has he beaten to retain that belt as of late? Nobody. He's just been pussyfooting around waiting for his match against Livewire at Slam 300. He'll say that's just the way it is, that his match is in the books and that's why he hasn't defended that belt...but truth be told, he's afraid to have a match against anybody that isn't Jayson Price. If he was really hardcore, he wouldn't be so worried about Isiaah putting the chocolate moves on him and be more worried about putting forth his best effort. I'm pretty sure he isn't even Chavis' type anyways. Point is, I'm not Livewire's rug man...and it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. I don't know. I'm going to beat you, Orbit. That's whats up dog.”
Kaz laughs, then moves on to the next name.
“We have a ton of returns on the card for War, all the way from Brent Alpine and Jeff Purse to Torture, Gravedigger, and Bobby Cairo. You know, we've all seen it a thousand times. Guy leaves. Guy makes comeback. Guy wins big match to go on to an even bigger match...but that's not how it works in the real world dudes.
Brent Alpine, you better get back on Ostrich that flew you over here. Can Ostrich's fly? I don't know, but it's not the point I'm trying to make. The point I'm trying to make is you're going to lose Alpine. Try to throw up all them five five nine's you want. It won't matter in the end. AHH I'm gonna hit ya hard, AHH I'm gonna hit ya fast, AHH I'm gonna hit ya first! I'm not afraid to get my word out there early, because there's nothing anyone can do to null them. My words are more than just words, boss. They're truth. Everyone tries to shut out my truth as inane jargon rambling, but on two separate occasions I've gone out and absolutely wowed the WCF universe with my mad skills. It just so happens that the third time they're going to be wowed by me, I'll be winning the biggest match of my career. War X EYE EYE EYE is about Kaz Mazy, not a returning Brent Alpine. Sorry about it dude.
Speaking of prolific returns...we've got the motherfucking death defying, gravity riding, Lord of the Poon, The GODFATHER of Professional Wrestling...Bobby MF Cairo. I have to say man...you're one of my heroes. I marked out whenever you quadriplegic'd your way to the ring Sunday Night. It made my day...no, it made my life. You were one of the X-factors that helped put WCW and WWE out of business. So much personality and so much talent in one guy that this match is threatening to burst at the seams. Your return will make my victory in this match so much sweeter Cairo. I hope I get to stand in the same ring as you so I have the chance to eliminate you. Everyone thinks it's going to be them. Corey Black is probably salivating over the chance to make you one of the jobbers he gets to kill...but we all know that the honor of your removal from this match falls on my broad liberal Texas shoulders. I hope we can still be friends after I toss you over the rope and win this match. In fact, I'm sure we can. You're definitely the kind of guy who enjoys a challenge, right?
Challenges. The thrill of a challenge is what drives us all to compete and become better than we were last week. It what brings these guys back from the brink of death. That's what drives guys like Gravedigger and Torture out of retirement so they can come try and take a piece. These guys are trying to make some glorious comeback at the expense of the members of the roster who show up week after week and put in work that they can be proud of...but these guys. These guys are willing to capitalize on confusion and come into War to have one last go at honor and glory. Gravedigger...Torture...I know that you two have accomplished so many things in the WCF...but it's never about what you've done, it's about what you've done lately...and lately, you two have done nothing to be proud of. Gravedigger has left his position in the WCF, so I'm not sure how he's still even in this match...and last I heard of Torture, he no showed a tag team match with Steve Orbit against Waylon Cash and something something SPAC nobody cares. Steve Orbit put all his eggs in the Torture basket, but Torture let him down. Or maybe Torture was afraid of Steve Orbit letting him down. I don't know. I don't care. All I know, is these two guys aren't going to make MY most important match about themselves. That's not how this is going to happen.”
Kaz sighs as he keeps moving down the list. God damn there's a lot of people in this match. No matter. They don't stand a chance against Kaz Mazy.
“Another person who doesn't stand a chance in this match...Deuce Murdock. I've beaten Deuce Murdock once before and I can do it again. I know this match won't be the same match we had two weeks ago...but your chances haven't improved homey. You might think I'm just some liberal asshole from Fort Worth...but I'm so much more than that. I'm the liberal asshole from Fort Worth who has your number. Also, I can talk to animals, so there's that too. I don't even have to pin your shoulders to the mat to win this time, bro. I just have to make sure both of your feet touch the concrete outside. I can just take your prosthetic off and throw it over the top rope. One foot down, one more to go. It's as simple as that dude.
Then you got that ZMAC...a dude who's not so simple. A little voodoo magic from a nigga name Schneedy or Schmeel or Schnieder or some such bullshit and all of a sudden, he's all that? No dude, it doesn't work like that either. If Jay Omega can put you down, one on one, I can throw you over the top rope in a thirty man match. Maybe I can give you the same treatment as Murdock and rip your leg off, then I just have one more to go. I mean...you are a zombie, right? Or are you a liar? What are you? Because you're not the WCF. Kaz Mazy is the WCF. Then. Now. Forever. Even after I'm long gone from this earth and you're still undeading across the place, you'll look back and think...”God damn, Kaz Mazy is better than me. I wish I could die so I didn't have to feel this shame. But alas, I can't. I guess I'll just walk this planet never knowing life and never knowing love. But Honey Badger don't give a shit so what can I say?”
Then we have Alex Richards. Seriously, no matter how this match goes down, I think we should go get a beer afterwords. Jay Omega, Livewire, and Hyena can all come along and I'll buy you all a bottle of Whoop Ass Beer. Does it come in a bottle? I don't know. I'll get you all a can though...right after I open a can on you all at War. If I thought I was crazy, it's nothing compared to Alex Richards. This guy should nail a board to his forehead that says “BEWARE OF ATTACK LAWYER” because I'm not really sure what to put on it. All I know, is this guy tells us all to beware, I'll tell him where to be...over the top rope and out of this match. This is seriously going to be one fuck of a match, isn't it? Yes. Yes it is.
Jay Omega, current US Champion. I would say this guy is crazy, but he's actually more of a retard. You living on a space ship bro? Got that altitude sickness and space dementia if you think you're going to win this match. Dude, anyone could have put down Zombie McMorris...I mean, didn't Anthony Douglas get a pinfall victory over the guy in the last month? I'm pretty sure that happened. Either way, you got one retention under your belt against Hyena. I can talk to animals and I was on web cam chat with a couple of real hyena's the other day and they said that Hyena was a joke. Why would he be the only person The Great Destroyer is trying to come after? Must be some terrible personal joke between he and a friend, something to make him appear tougher when in reality he's just an angry angry person who can't seem to catch a win here or there. Maybe if The Great Destroyer inhabits your body Omega, you'll have a chance in hell of winning this match...but that doesn't seem likely considering he's only exists in scenarios that involve Hyena. Odd. Odd indeed.
Oh my god, do you know how many fucking people are in this match? We got – just to name a few – Steel Toe Joe, Chelsea Armstrong, John Gable, Louis Bartkowski, Daniel Booker, and Jahani Al' Reb. Jesus motherfucking christ. I could shoot for days on these mother licks...but I guess in order to save your and my precious time, I'll lump em together because that's what balla's do. What have you guys done that's held any form of relevance? Chelsea's just been attacking people backstage that she can't hack it with in the ring, and just to prove my point, she's pretty much lost every single match she's been in the past couple of weeks, minus one where she was on a team with clearly more talented people. Jahani Al' Reb has one prevalent win under his belt against Deuce Murdock, somebody I also put down two weeks ago. Daniel Booker hasn't really done anything besides no show a match and win one, but somehow managed to find himself a spot amongst Pantheon? I guess I should apply as well. Maybe they have a spot open for me that I can blatantly refuse because who would want to be on that garbage team, ammirite? John Gable held the Television Championship for god knows how long, but can anybody tell me a single thing about this guy? What did he do that was noteworthy other than keep a belt warm for Bryan “Buzz” Worthy? It's like, they couldn't decide what to do with the guy so they fed him jobber after jobber so he can look strong, but all it did was make him complacent. He got comfortable in his little mid-card rut and decided to do something about it...So he lost his belt to Bryan Worthy as some kind of...message? I don't know. The only thing he told me by doing that was he can't hang in the midcard anymore, let alone in this match full of WCF's top talent...including me, Jerry Mazy. Should I even mention Louis Bartkowski? Is there a point? Will he even come down to the ring when his music hits? Is it even his? I'm pretty sure I heard the same song on the WCF network while watching an old episode of Monday Night Raw...Gillberg, I think was his name. It doesn't make sense. Is Seth really hurting that bad for characters he's got to rip them off from failed promotions that he's acquired? I guess so. Don't worry, Sethy Poo...Kaz Baby is here to change that. I have so much character, it's leaking out of my ass...In like, a good way.”
Kaz strums over the rest of the list, generally uninterested.
“My gosh, I can't even anymore. I think I've said enough. Look y'all...I'm going to win War. It's more certain than my victory last week was. It's not going to be a thirty second victory...but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is standing in the ring at the end of the match with my arm raised in utter victory. To be the best, you have to pass the test. Kaz Mazy is the new measuring stick...and if you're all ready to get down, then you better be ready for something a lotta crazy. You can all throw down your piece, then I'll throw down another. I'm fucking tasty like that, with those mad skills. Now, if you mother f's will excuse me...I have a girlfriend to propose to. Slater gators!”
