Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Sept 21, 2014 12:24:29 GMT -5
Ladder- noun
pr: (Lad-er)
1:a structure of wood, metal, or rope, commonly consisting of twosidepieces between which a series of bars or rungs are set at suitabledistances, forming a means of climbing up or down.
2:something resembling this.
3:a means of rising, as to eminence:
“the ladder of success”.
(The promo opens on a wooden ladder in front of a grey black drop. Natural ICE Beckman walks into the camera shot dressed in jeans, a brand new “ICE AGE REIGNS” T-shirt and with the WCF World title slung over his shoulder. ICE Beckman walks over to the ladder and leans against before stroking his beard and speaking with a serious tone to the camera.)
ICE: The ladder has been an important tool in human success and history through-out it’s existence. It has been on this earth for over 10,000 years and in that time has done everything from help armies conquer countries to help your average Joe change a light bulb. But this week a ladder will be more than just a tool, rather a weapon as well in my match against six of WCF wrestlers in our quest for one of the most sacred things on our planet...the recipe for a damn good beer. So in order to get to know this friend of the handyman, this tool of the short, this weapon of unforgiving steel, I am going to take you and myself on a journey...a journey on the world of the Ladder.
(Natural ICE Beckman looks up towards the top of the ladder as the inrotrudction statement to the promo comes to an end as the video fades to black...
The Ladder: Part 1
“Sometimes gravity provides the best punch lines.”
(Part one of the promo opens on a live studio attendance that is clapping and smiling as some gimmicky theme music plays overhead. The fun camera shots zoom in and out as the camera man pan around the TV studio that is decorated in zany and colorful shapes.)
Narrator: Welcome to America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accidents!
(Natural ICE walks out onto the main stage, smiling and playing the role of a family friendly white-bread host. He is dressed in a navy blue suit with not tie and an open collar. The studio audience begins to end their applause as ICE directs them to with hand motions and the music cues them to by coming to an end.)
ICE: Welcome to the show that proves humans are punished by the God’s of karma for being stupid while on a ladder. Not only to we enjoy laughing at their pain, but know it is even better when it isn’t happening to us. And now to our first video of the evening reminds of Johnny Reb in school; following the rules was harder than reading them.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Now watch this guy who goes up to fix his gutter and turns into the one who needs fixing...
ICE:...reminds me of Livewire in the end, right when he reaches the top he falls flat on his face.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Our next video is one about a guy at work. It reminds me of Jay Omega at work, no one knows exactly what he is talking about, but in the end we all find enjoyment at watching the folly happen.
(The studio audience laughs as the next video begins.)
ICE: Wow, and that one came with some Alex Richards like commentary on the situation. And of course by that I mean, some extra nonsense from the true idiot that didn’t add anything to the video.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And now it is time for our Monkey Moment of the Week. A segment where we like to pick one video that proves to the people at more that Steeltoe is wrong and we are related to nothing but a dumb monkey....
(The studio crowd laughs and claps like trained monkeys ironically as the clip comes to an end.)
ICE: She is just lucky that Hyena wasn’t around after she fell, he would have likely humped her and left her covered in his scent in a message to other alpha males in the area.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Now let’s hit the speed up button in this week’s edition of The Ladder Mayhem Montage. I just hope these guys listen to the same advice my opponents get each week from the WCF Legal Team, “Make sure you watch out when things begin to crumble down around you and I hope your health insurance is up to date”...
(The studio comes back on the show with a thunderous round of applause for each and every piece of painful video they just viewed.)
ICE: Now that just proves that a ladder is truly only useful in the hands of a true professional or a true champion of the industry. Otherwise you are just going to end up like Alex Richards after a therapy sessions, with a lot less money in your pocket and a migraine headache.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And now we come to the best part of the show, where we pick a video winner, well best part of the show for the winner that is.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And here are our three finalists for the night....first there is Guy Working on Gutter. A man so focused on getting the job done he made a stupid mistake; like Alex Richards when he worked so hard to become the People’s Champ Number One Contender only to forgot no one can beat Chelsea Armstrong.
(The audience claps for the blue heaven heroine of the masses.)
ICE: Wow, everyone loves Chelsea, well I am the only one these days that actually “Loves Her”, but everyone else sure like her a lot.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Second there is...Stupid Employee at Work. An employee worse at his job that Hyena is when he spazzes out at an autograph signing at a shopping mall because he smelled grilled beef coming from the Burger King food court.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And finally we come to our third finalist...Dr. Alan Carter, The head of the Occupational Therapist Hand and Arm Institute of Marquette University.
(The crowd seems a bit confused by the announcement of the last finalist, but clap none the less.)
ICE: And the winner of...America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accident is....DR. ALAN CARTER!!
(The people clap for the doctor, who awkwardly walks out onto the stage with a very causal wave that shows his uneasiness of being on the show.)
ICE: Congratulations on the big win Doctor!!
Dr. Carter: Um, okay.
ICE: So, Doctor, do you know why you are the big winner?
Dr. Carter: Um, my secretary said I was to give a seminar on workplace safety.
ICE: No...it is because no one deals with more patients of ladder accidents than your faculty!!
Dr. Carter: Oh, well, I guess that does help our financial bottom line.
ICE: So...Congrats on Being the BIG Winner! A feeling that Grayson Pierce will never know!
(The trained studio audience, who all were promised a free WCF t-shirt for participating in the show, once again applaud at the appropriate time.)
Dr. Carter: Okay...well nice...and I know how these shows usually work, I mean, do I win some big payday then?
ICE: Of course!
Dr. Carter: Like thousands of dollars?!...That would help out our Disadvantage Orphans who need new Limbs Program so much.
ICE: Hmmm, well not money, but something much more relevant...AN OLD PAINT STAINED LADDER I STOLE FROM A TV CREW MEMBER!
Dr. Carter: Um, what?
(The fans of ladder accident videos all clap as ICE’s friend PJ walks out onto the colorful stage with the old shitty ladder.)
ICE: Wow, Doctor, what do you plan to do with such an honor?
Dr. Carter: By the looks of the shabby old ladder...I don’t know...keep it away from the hurt orphans as a start.
(Just then a TV crew member comes storming onto the set.)
Crew Member: Where the Heck is my Ladder?!? I saw some fat guy steal it a few minutes ago!
ICE: And that concludes our show tonight, so people until next week be on the lookout for...
The Studio Audience: America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accidents!!
(The show comes to a conclusion as the crew member chases PJ across TV stage. Meanwhile ICE shakes hands with the confused doctor as the people clap the show to its end.)
The Ladder: Part 2
“The United States of Corporation’s Flag would have the 50 white Golden Arches of McDonalds, and the 13 blue and white strips of Visa and Wal-Mart.”
(Natural ICE Beckman is the first thing you see as part two the promo opens up. ICE is sitting in a waiting room at a very nice luxury office building in uptown Manhattan. The fine important rugs lay beneath ICE’s dirty work boots. ICE squints away his drug induced blurred vision to see many expensive pieces of art work lining the wall. Sitting across the waiting room from Beckman at a very large oak desk is a stacked blond receptionist in a tight dress answering the phone on a headset.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Yes, Mr. Kawakami, we believe the tuna is now 95% dolphin free....and yes, the label says %100....you have a good day as well, thank you.
(ICE Beckman is half listening to her speak into the phone as he swaps texts back and forth with Chelsea Armstrong....Omega’s flying us to the great white north, that’s sounds interesting....he types and sends. The receptionist answers he next call as ICE keeps his head down, but looks up with his eyes.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Oh hello, Mr. Waldorf...yes, as of our latest reports the factories in Singapore are running much more efficiently now that the new work force has been set in place....hehe, well yes, their little fingers do work much better than adult fingers do....alright, thank you, have a nice day.
(ICE watches her hang up the phone before looking back down at his phone as a return message from Chelsea pops back up on the screen...Consider the company that is tagging along with us, it should be a fun flight to Canada, IF we even make it there at all...ICE again looks away from his phone as another call comes into the Manhattan business office.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Yes, I understand your upset how this miss, what is your name again?.....Yes, and you are from what organization again?...Well Miss Sunflower, please tell your Organization of Natural Food Products that our Beckman Family Sausages hasn’t had too much human meat in it since 2013 and that is according to the FDA!
(The receptionist makes a snobby look at no one in particular as she puts her headset down. She then looks over at ICE for a little sympathy.)
Receptionist: Some people are just so blah...am I right?
ICE: Not usually.
Receptionist: Pardon me?
ICE: Listen...(ICE puts away his cell phone and slowly walks over to the desk)...you can just tell whoever is running my once father’s business-
Receptionist: Your once father?
ICE: Trust me, I have a better one now, someone who truly loves and understands me, his name is Father Roman.
Receptionist: That sounds...nice.
ICE: Just tell whoever runs this Beckman Enterprises-
Receptionist: You mean Mr. Ashland?
ICE: Fuck, fine, tell Mr. Ashland he can take this holy shit forsaken company that my former Father has created and shove it up his ass.
Receptionist: But what about the meeting you scheduled? The one about learning about the corporate ladder?
(Natural ICE Beckman begins to head towards the door.)
ICE: He can take that ladder and shove it up his ass too. Fuck, I am glad I work in a business where you don’t cower in the shadows...well unless you are Hyena hiding from his owner after making a mess on the rug...or Jonny Reb looking for a pig in the barn to fuck under the night’s sky.
(ICE slams the door behind him and leaves the snobby receptionist speechless...well, almost speechless.)
Receptionist: Did he think the corporate ladder is an actual ladder?...What an idiot...but he was cute.
(As she goes back to her work we flash into the actual office of Mr. Ashland, head of the Beckman Family Corporation. Mr. Ashland is sitting at his very large desk and looks over to ICE’s natural father, the one who abandoned ICE as a baby, the one who ICE planted through a coffee table with a DDT a few weeks back. The biological father of ICE turns with ease due to his neck-brace and speaks with Mr. Ashland.)
Father Beckman: He has waited long enough...buzz Natural in.
Mr. Ashland: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean the last time you saw him he severely injured you?
Father Beckman: It is about time he heard the truth about his past.
Mr. Ashland: Alright sir, you are the boss...(presses the button to his intercom)...you can send Mr. Natural ICE Beckman now please.
Receptionist: (through the intercom) Sorry sir, he left...something about shoving things up our butts.
Mr. Ashland: What? That sounds like a mistake.
Father Beckman: No, no, knowing my son Natural...that sounds about right.
(And with Father Beckman looking over the New York City skyline the scene fades to an ending.)
The Ladder: Part 3
“Seth is a dick of a boss, but he isn’t the only one.”
(Natural ICE is back in the Foam Lake area of northern Wisconsin. He is not only surrounded by the dark green pines and dark blue lake, but also the rest of the Drunk Money crew: John Beckman, PJ and Dee. All four of them are dressed in old white clothing that is speckled with many different colors of house paint. The four of them are sitting on a grassy lawn and enjoying their lunch hour with some homemade lunches thanks to Dee’s mommy.)
ICE: These lunches fucking suck worse than Livewire’s latest single.
John: Someone actually produces that guy’s music?
ICE: Music? I was talking about his latest singles match.
DEE: You know what ICE? Sorry she was rushed into making them when you called me up and told me we had to be at work in 15 minutes for a job I didn’t even know I had.
ICE: Well I am sorry too Dee.
DEE: Oh my gosh...I have been waiting years to hear you say those words.
ICE: Sorry you are a dickhole and your mother’s fat folds could fill in the Grand Canyon.
DEE: I should have seen that coming.
PJ: I don’t know guys, these blueberry ice pops are tasty...and ICE, you should like them for the hallucination side effects they come with.
John: Um, PJ you buffoon, you are eating the ice packs Dee’s mom packed along with the lunches.
PJ: I am...is that bad, George Washington?
ICE: Fuck PJ man, you are fucked up worse than Alex Richards without his diabetes medication.
PJ: I am...thanks for letting me know Pine Tree that Talks.
DEE: Oh man, my mom is going to be pissed at you PJ, she loves these cooler packs!
PJ: It is okay Mr. Banana Flavored Lolly-Pop, no one can be mad on a beautiful day like this.
DEE: Gosh darn ICE, why are we even working as House Painters anyhow?
ICE: To learn the dangers of the fucking ladder.
John: More like to learn the danger of having a Democrat in the White House.
ICE: Or the danger of letting too much New Blood into the WCF?
PJ: Didn’t you join the WCF less than a year ago, Pine Tree that Talks?
DEE: All I am saying is this job sucks; all that time on a shaky ladder, terrified to look down and if I fell I could really hurt myself.
ICE: Now that sounds like fucking research to me.
DEE: I don’t need any more stress considering that boss of ours!
PJ: Taco Bell Dog may be a bit older then we remember him, but he is still our boss.
John: Taco Bell Dog?...You mean Mr. Sanchez?...Now come on PJ, without our Mexican friends we wouldn’t have roofs, clean skyscraper windows or a two Bush Family Presidents.
ICE: Fuck guys, I thought the racist gimmick was Johnny Reb’s.
(Just then a short and strong Hispanic man, known as Mr. Sanchez, comes walking around the trees in order to rally the Drunk Money crew back to work. Mr. Sanchez’s little pencil mustache twitches as he speaks with fury in his tone.)
Mr. Sanchez: You lazy Americanos...you get back to work...siesta is over!
ICE: Hmmm....time to pull a Jay Omega.
John: Is that when you blind people with big talk and bull shit and hope they consider it interesting?
DEE: Is that when you understand a powerful woman is the true key to success in life?
PJ: No, and enough with your Banana Flavored Mother Lolly-pop Issues shit dude...he is talking about how Jay Omega is nothing but a silver spoon feed egomaniac.
ICE: Actually PJ is right on...I mean...We Fucking Quit, Mr. Dirty Sanchez!
(ICE quickly runs off, as DEE and John are spineless and then so also quick to follow the WCF Champion; however PJ slowly stands up and looks at Mr. Sanchez.)
Mr. Sanchez: I do not do poop stuff with my wife, I told you that!
PJ: Just relax Old Taco Bell Dog.
Mr. Sanchez: You call me that again Senor and I am going to go loco on you.
PJ: Fine, I can take a hint and...It is a Yes! I will take that job making delicious chicken quesadillas for minimum wage! Now can I get an application to fill out then?
(PJ still doesn’t budge from his spot as Mr. Sanchez yells many Spanish language curses, along with some spit, right into the fat Foam Lakers face as this part of the promo fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 4
“I think there is a reason more Fire-fighters aren’t paid actually money.”
(We see a similar scene to part 3 of the segment to the opening of part 4 with the Drunk Money crew once again sitting in a circle on some grass with the same shit lunches from Dee’s mom. However instead of dressed in dirty painting clothes, they are dressed in firefighter yellow pants that are held up with red suspenders along with a charcoal stain white t-shirts.)
DEE: Wow, I have never felt like more like a man then today; when I got to hang out with all these rugged forest fighters.
John: You fainted...twice.
ICE: Yeah, but into the arms of men...so you can see why he liked it.
PJ: It may be the blueberry insanity juice talking-
DEE: You mean the insides of my mother’s cooler packs.
PJ: If you say so Banana Flavored Lolly-Pop, but as I was saying Dee really liked today for he hides his love of men like Hyena hides his love of extra poopy entrails or Omega hides his love of sex with the U.S. Title or Grayson Pierce hides his love of Kenny G or Johnny Reb hides his love of Abraham Lincoln or Alex Richards hides his love of quiet walks on the beach....right Natural ICE Beckman?
John: Wow, I have never heard PJ sound smarter.
ICE: I know, I would bother with adding an insult of my opponents now...but I think he already got the job done.
DEE: Speaking of getting the job done, maybe we should hurry up with this break and get back to work before Chief Anderson yells at us again.
PJ: Shut up Dee...and you know Banana flavor is the worse artificial flavor, right?
DEE: I am not Banana flavored! I just bleach my hair blonder for the ladies okay!
ICE: That means his fucking mom likes it!
(Just then the fire chief that Dee just warned the group comes storming around the firehouse corner. His full mustache gets caught in the wind each time he yells at ICE Beckman and his crew.)
Chief Anderson: You Lazy Volunteers might as well get paid nothing for how hard you work!
John: You do know what volunteer means right?
Chief Anderson: Well then why did you sign on for this role?!
ICE: Fucking ladder research, of course.
Chief Anderson: Yes, of course...What the Fuck are you talking about now!?!
DEE: I told you not to piss of Chief, ICE!
Chief Anderson: At least ICE doesn’t pussy out at the first sign of danger!
DEE: Hey, that lunch of my Hot Pocket is hot coming out of the microwave!
ICE: Alright boys time to pull an Alex Richards at a Weight Watchers meeting and leave ASAP!
John: Or Alex Richards looking for the exit in a Cornfield maze and get lost ASAP!
PJ: Or Alex Richards trying to spell ASAP and fake a heart attack to get out of it....ASAP.
John: Wow, this new PJ is something better for sure.
ICE: Maybe we should feed him toxic blue cooler material every fucking day.
Chief Anderson: Enough with your shit! Get out of Here!
DEE: Yes sir, right away sir!
(Dee sprints off the scene as ICE and John both take their time like their cocky DNA makes them as the Chief watches them go. However ICE has to quickly come back and grab PJ as he begins to have some sort of brain dead moment that only a true drug using professional like ICE Beckman could see coming on before is truly hits. The chief watches them exit the scene, before shaking his head and doing the same as it all fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 5
“Board games aren’t bored games when drugs are involved.”
(We find the promo opening at ICE’s Foam Lake cabin where the DMC is sitting around a table playing a children’s classic board game. Natural ICE is offering around a joint that only John takes a quick hit from, while PJ is looking pretty sick with a white face and a slight wobble. DEE is moving his piece along the game board.)
DEE: 5...6...7...Oh man.
ICE: Oh Dee, fucked again.
John: That’s not something we say much around here.
DEE: I am so sick of lading on chutes! I never did like this game!
ICE: Just because you fucking suck at it don’t get all whiney.
DEE: I am not getting whiney!
John: That sounded pretty whiney to me.
DEE: Why are even playing this? How is a board game going to get ready for a wrestling match.
ICE: Fucking Duh Idiot, it’s called Chutes and Ladders and I am wresting in a fucking ladder match this week. Stop fucking pulling an Alex Richards and get us off track.
DEE: Playing this game seems kind of Alex Richards to me.
John: If Alex Richards was here there would be a bite or two out of the game board...now go PJ, it is your turn.
PJ:....urgh....
ICE: Damn PJ you don’t look so good.
PJ: My tummy really hurts...I think I am going to-
(PJ vomits blue liquid all over the game board. DEE, John and ICE Beckman are quick to slide their chairs away from the table.)
ICE: Holy Shit! Game is over!
(This short part of the promo comes to a quick end as PJ passes out and slams his head down on the wooden table.)
The Ladder: Part 6
“As classic in many ways.”
(The crew has moved away from PJ’s blue vomit explosion at the table and is gathered around the TV over by the cabin’s fireplace. ICE Beckman has the main controller to the video game and begins to act like a conductor of fun by setting up the match on the WCF: The Video Game.)
John: Here we go again.
DEE: Another children’s game in order to prepare for a man’s war.
ICE: WAR is still a few weeks away you fucking moron; besides aren’t you the fucking guy with Star Wars bed sheets that his mommy bought him?
DEE: HEY! That’s not true...they are Star Trek!!
PJ: Like that is any better, dork.
John: By the way PJ, I have to ask since I am in the possible vomit splash zone...are you feeling better?
PJ: Oh yeah, a good vomit always refreshes me...I am back to feeling normal, meaning my side aches, my heart hurts and my head has this annoying ringing.
DEE: I told you those are serious medical issues. You need to go to the Doctor.
PJ: I visit Web M.D. all the time.
John: I don’t think the internet can replace a human, PJ.
ICE: Tell that to Grayson Pierce’s love life....now everyone pick their wrestler for the ladder match.
PJ: OH, I get to be Natural ICE Beckman!
ICE: No fucking way...I am the only one who can handle him...well me and Chelsea.
(ICE Beckman picks his character for the match.)
DEE: Wait, there are six guys in the main event on Slam, but we can only pick four for this match.
ICE: Don’t worry the fucking nerd game engineers helped me with that; after the first two people are eliminated they get to reenter the match as one of the two guys we don’t pick.
John: Well I found my guy...
DEE: You just picked him because of his name.
John: It is his biggest blessing in life.
ICE: He is an uneducated hillbilly from the south that’s only friend is Doc Henry...I would say his name is his only fucking blessing.
PJ: I found my guy...and it makes sense since I am such a great singer.
DEE: Please don’t si-
PJ: “Ohh baby baby, Oh baby baby, rub my dick...maaaaaybe!”
John: Never sing again!
PJ: But-
John: NEVER SING AGAIN!
PJ: Okay, sorry.
ICE: Wow, nicely done John, remind me to arrange a conversation with you and Pierce.
DEE: Alright, I found my guy. And finally I will be that big guy that bullies can’t hurt.
John: Um, is that the real reason you pick Alex...or is it because he looks like your mom?
ICE: I think you on the right fucking track John, but I think he picked Alex because his tits remind Dee of his mother.
DEE: Yes, like I said...bullies...can’t hurt me....(sniffles)...just start the match.
Game Announcer: Tonight’s match...a Ladder Match...Natural ICE Beckman vs. Johnny Reb vs. Grayson Pierce vs Alex Richards vs Jay Omega vs Hyena....Ready and....FIGHT!
John: Oh come, look at my guy, he looks like a child of years on inbreeding...why can’t anyone do my name the justice it deserves?
ICE: There is Jonny Fly?
John: Who spells his name like a little boy would, come on PJ is even kicking my ass.
PJ: Actually I think my voice is doing the real damage.
ICE: Fuck, it is taking us all down!
PJ: I am so awesome at this game...time to take it to the top rope so all can hear me sing.
DEE: Here this....for I am the Phantom of the Big Splash and you are out of here LiveWire!
John: That was a good move and a terrible musical reference, Dee.
PJ: Oh shit my guy is bleeding from the mouth.
ICE: His best hit ever...but don’t worry PJ here comes your new wrestler.
PJ: Alright, it is Jay Leno!
DEE: That says Omega, PJ.
PJ: Hey back off, I read the Jay part right!
John: Holy Heck ICE stop kicking my ass with, well, you!
ICE: The ICE AGE has gone 8-bit!
John: Well what if I press the A and B button at the same time?....Take THAT!...wait, what is happening? Who is that with the hat?
ICE: It is the South’s biggest villain...Abraham Lincoln!
John: Oh fuck that sure didn't work out well for me, and he just knocked the few teeth I had out of my mouth.
DEE: I guess the South will not be rising again.
John: Well I am out which means I get the last person left who is....
John: Why do I look like that X-man guy who shaved in the dark?
DEE: He is name is Wolverine!
ICE: I think his guy is just fucking gross.
John: Yeah, what the hell? Why is everyone else running from the ring? Oh wait, I see now, all my buttons just make my guy poop in the ring!
PJ: Ew, you are like ICE’s dog.
ICE: Speaking of...here is Satan’s Pizza.
John: Well, I might as let him play, since this guy is so shitty!
DEE: Shitty! I get the pun!
(John puts down his controller and allows the dog to paw at it like it is one of his best toys.)
PJ: Haha! You are letting a dog be your guy...Haha...CRAP! He just got me out!
ICE: What a good boy you are Satan’s Pizza.
DEE: Hehe, PJ you were just eliminated by a dog!...Who I am about to eliminate- Darn! He just got me out!
(ICE’s dog smiles and wags his tail as PJ and DEE can’t believe what just happened.)
John: What the hell? I could do nothing with that character.
ICE: I guess it is a fucking K-9 mind meld thing.
PJ: What is the Hyena character doing now?
DEE: Oh gross, he is peeing on our characters!
ICE: And now it is just down to me, the WCF World Champion and king of the ICE AGE vs Hyena; time to set up the ladder and win this bitch.
John: Enough of this, I am finally going to beat ICE as ICE in this game!
(John Beckman grabs the NES controller away from the dog and begins to play...but not for long.)
ICE: Beer Bong on Hyena!
John: Oh come on!
ICE: Followed by a 100 Proof Shot DDT!...How do you like that Hangover...And with him out time for me to get my Whoop Ass Beer rights!
John: Well crap, I should have let the dog keep playing my controller.
(Satan’s Pizza gives John Beckman a few barks before heading off to the kitchen.)
ICE: He told you.
PJ: Wait, the match isn’t over; I could still be Zebra Man!
John: PJ, you are talking about the WCF ref.
DEE: Besides, it says ICE wins on the screen...can’t you read even that?
PJ: Um...uh....BLAH!!!!
DEE: What are you doing?
PJ: Um....trying to vomit again to get out of this moment.
ICE: You are trying to fucking vomit again...okay, game over!
(Natural ICE and John Beckman are quick to head out of the area as Dee watches his chunky friend continue to try and dry heave.)
The Ladder: Part 7
“When looking back at ICE’s WCF career you can understand why bad luck is a hard concept for him.”
(Natural ICE Beckman is the first thing we see as part seven of this promo opens up on the screen. He is standing on the side of his log cabin with PJ and Dee and a few props: a ladder, a mirror and a penny, that ICE is tossing over and over in his hand.)
ICE: Welcome to the WCF Science Text Experiment Lab...also known as my side yard. Now ever since we lost Dr. Remus Micayle to Alex Richards Sat on My Head Disease.
PJ: Don’t you mean Dr. Dork?
ICE: Yes, thank you PJ, or as I use to call him, Dr. Dork...good times, good times...I figure we need to once again find the educational side of life and that is why I have invented you here to test if Bad Luck truly can be handed out by the gods of karma through very basic and simple acts. Now I have brought a few different materials in which to use along with a fine specimen.
PJ: Hi, I am the spaceman.
ICE: PJ, that is pronounced Specimen.
PJ: Ok, I will play along but spicy food gives me wicked harsh heart burn.
ICE: It is fucking pronounced- never mind. Now onto the experiment....PJ, do you fear bad luck?
PJ: Look at me; I eat nothing but deep friend food and my only exercise is getting up to flip the channel when my remote batteries die...but still I have a body that the ladies can’t keep their hands off.
ICE: Yeah, as long as your fucking singles don’t run out that is.
PJ: Huh?
ICE: Anyways, moving on, PJ do you believe in karma or superstitions?
PJ: No way, the only higher power I believe in is God and Vince Lombardi’s Ghost.
ICE: So you won’t not fear picking this penny up, even if it wasn’t heads up like the saying goes “Find a penny pick it up, and all day you’ll have good luck."
(ICE places the penny at the feet of PJ with the tails side looking up at PJ.)
PJ: Here is another saying I know...(bends down to get the cent)...a penny saved if a penny learned, or yearned, or...is blearned a word?
ICE: Alright, then if you don’t fear that bit of bad luck, try this one...”Break a mirror and seven years bad luck.”
(ICE hands PJ a hand mirror)
PJ: Breaking stuff is fun...nothing more.
(PJ slams the mirror agains the side of the log cabin and it shattering into many pieces as he does so.)
ICE: Wow, you really have no fear...and now the last time...”Walk under a ladder is bad luck”.
PJ: Oh big whoop, it is just a ladder. I have walked under worse...like my ex-wife’s legs for example.
ICE: What the fuck does that mean?
PJ: Well I was pretending to be a bad dog and she was-
ICE: Just walk under the damn ladder PJ.
(PJ walks over to the ladder and has to turn and wiggle to get under and through it, but makes it under the ladder. He pops out the other side like a hero that just saved the day.)
PJ: Taa Daa! I did it and not an like of...(Just then PJ’s pocket rings)...oops, just a minute, my phone is ringing.
(PJ reaches into the dusty pocket of his sagging jeans and pulls out his free flip phone from Motorola.)
PJ: Hey ho, who be this?....Oh hello BITCH!
(PJ pulls the phone away from his chubby face.)
PJ: It is my ex-wife.
ICE: Hmmm, possible bad news?
PJ: Well, I am not exactly ever happy to talk with her...(hears his ex yelling on the other end so he puts the phone back up to his face)...yeah, yeah, I am still here. What is up?...What? I have to pay you how much every year? EVERY MONTH!...But what about my lawyer!?...Not a real Lawyer!...Convicted on 17 counts of fraud!!!...Well I still get to keep my trailer right?!...WHAT!? That means I am homeless now!...Hey, stop laughing at me!
(PJ hangs up the phone.)
ICE: Sounds like some bad luck news there.
PJ: No big deal...which reminds me, can I stay with you for a while, ICE?
ICE: I think my answer is just more bad luck for you PJ.
PJ: Oh well...I mean, so I am homeless and broke, things at least can’t get any worse, right?
(Just then Dee comes walking into the scene.)
DEE: Hey, PJ did you hear about Burger Boy restaurants?
PJ: No, why? What happened?
DEE: The Health Department declared their deep friend bacon doughnut burger with extra nacho cheese too unhealthy to legally serve!
PJ: NOOOOO!!! LORD KILL ME NOW!! I AM SORRY KARMA!!!
(PJ falls to his knees and flings his head down to the ground as he begins to weep like a spoiled child not getting their way at Toys R Us.)
ICE: There you have it people, proof that messing with bad luck is a real thing in our cosmic universe. So be careful where you walk, those future opponents of mine, for your walk down the aisle to the ring to face me is just like a cursed walked under a ladder.
DEE: That was a terrible metaphor.
ICE: Shut up Dee...and pick up that glass. I still have a bunch of shit to get too and a flight to Canada to catch soon.
(ICE looks at Dee, who doesn’t move, until ICE flinches a punch at him and with that Dee is quick to the ground to start picking up the broken mirror pieces. Meanwhile PJ continues to wail like a child as somewhere karma has proven its point as this part of the promo fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 8
“Signs, signs, everywhere signs, fucking up the shitty, breaking my kind. Do this, don’t do that, can’t believe the signs.”
(The promo fades back from the gold lettering on the black screen to Natural ICE Beckman sitting on a tv sound stage in a chair, with another gentleman in a similar blue chair. Between the two men is a simple end table with two mugs of water and a comforting fern plant. Behind them is similar gray back drop as seen earlier in the promo and a sign that reads “Meet The Inventor Of...”)
ICE: Hello and welcome to the Meet The Inventor Of show. Tonight my guest is the creator of one of the biggest additions to the ladder in thousands of year. His name is Bob Thompson and he created this...
ICE: That is right, he created the sign for the step on the ladder that you are not supposed to step on. But I am sure you hardcore ladder enthusiasts out there already knew that. Now, how are you Mr. Thompson?
Mr. Thompson: I am doing alright. Tell me have you done many of these shows?
ICE: This is the first show ever, but remember I am the host, I ask the questions. Now what made you think about creating this label?
Mr. Thompson: Um, safety, I suppose.
ICE: Safety? That is it?
Mr. Thompson: Well I guess my boss first asked me to make it.
ICE: Would you say that a moron like Alex Richards or a vermin like Hyena would be stupid enough to stand on this step?
Mr. Thompson: Um, I don’t know who those mean are.
ICE: What about Jay Omega and his ego, would that make him think he would still be able to deal with such a warning?
Mr. Thompson: Again, I have no idea who you are talking about.
ICE: Well then you for sure won’t know who Johnny Reb or Grayson Pierce is, huh?
Mr. Thompson: Wasn’t one of them a James Bonds?
ICE: Now I lead to believe that you were the expert Mr. Thompson.
Mr. Thompson: Well I can tell you the first sign was made with a red background, but my boss thought that was a little too aggressive.
ICE: That is the inside information you are giving me?
Mr. Thompson: Um, I can give you the exact amount of weight the non-step can handle?
ICE: How the (BEEP) is that going to help?
Mr. Thompson: Um, it is 15 pounds.
ICE: Well at least that tells me Livewire will be able to balance on it.
Mr. Thompson: I can also tell you that I have been unemployed for the last 20 years...and ever since my wife left me I spend most night pantsless and eating cold soup directly from the can.
ICE: Well that sounds like the life of Jay Omega when the cameras turn off, maybe you can teach me.
Mr. Thompson: By the way, can I stay at your place for a while?
ICE: Um, no (BEEP)ing way, but I may have a friend named PJ who could be your roommate for you.
Mr. Thompson: Does he enjoy following good safety rules and living in the past?
ICE: Living in the past? Maybe Johnny Reb would be a better roommate cuz’ he loves living in the past and cuz’ PJ ain’t too good with the safety stuff.
Mr. Thompson: Whatever. For anywhere is better than sleeping in my storage space; the guy living in the unit next to me keeps inviting me over for a box wine and scary movie night.
ICE: Well Mr. Thompson anything else you can tell me about the warning step, or hell, the ladder in general?
Mr. Thompson: Just remember to head the warnings, they aren’t a joke.
ICE: Nicely put Mr. Thompson, I hope my opponents this week since the gold warning strapped across my waist...but I bet they will just fall into the nothing but a joke trap like all the Mac’s and Synn’s have before them.
Mr. Thompson: I am glad I could help...now can I get twenty bucks for some...uh, “food”?
ICE: Get the (BEEP) off my show’s stage!!
(Mr. Thompson quickly retracts his begging hand and sulks off camera as ICE leans back in the chair while searching for his open beer that he hide somewhere behind the fern as the promo once again fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 9
“Good news Bob Vila is still alive...so maybe he can help fix your crappy house.”
(The promo begins to show clips from different remodeling jobs on different kinds of houses. You see buckets of paint, ladders being leaned against the side of house and finally a red pick-up truck coming up a driveway. The truck comes to a stop and out steps Bob Vila, with a peppered colored beard and a button up flannel shirt. He leans again the door as the show’s introduction fades away. We now see Bob Vila, standing at the base of a ladder, holding a tool box in his hands. Bob is just about to speak, when Natural ICE Beckman comes walking into the scene.)
ICE: Don’t worry Bob, I got this...
(Bob just shrugs his shoulders and closes his mouth.)
ICE: Welcome to another peak into the world of the ladder, more specifically home improvements. I have brought home repair specialist and long time TV host, Bob Vila to help us explain what exactly we are doing to this old house, right Bob?
(Again Bob is about to speak, but ICE once again starts talking first.)
ICE: Yes today we are using the ladder to get some basic do it yourself jobs down around this house. First we will be adding some touch up paint on the houses siding.
(Bob begins to climb the ladder and get to work as ICE holds the ladder and continues to ramble on.)
ICE: You know Bob, home improvements not only are important for the upkeep of the property you have invested in, but they also give a man time to think about all the troubles in his life. Like take me for example, I not only have only problem in my life, but five of them, well I shouldn’t call them problems, more like nuisances.
(Bob begins to scrap the old paint away from the siding, before adding some paint.)
ICE: You know one of these nuisances is one that just keeps coming back for me. His name is Grayson Pierce and the only thing he is worse at then comedy and singing is wrestling. In fact I have kicked his ass so much around the WCF lately that he is like WCF gum stuck on the bottom of my boot. I just hope this week I can finally get his jobber goo away from me once and for all. You ever deal with an annoyance house repair job that just kept coming back?
(Bob looks down and thinks a moment, but again doesn’t get out a word before ICE lets his train of thought once again pull out of his mouth station.)
ICE: I mean the guy has really no ammo left in his trash talking tank, I have beaten him up so much he might as well be Jay Omega’s dick in junior high, red, raw and beaten to death. I know the fools weaknesses in the ring, I know that he tries and tries and allows his overexertion to reach a point of no return. And in that moment where he has worn himself out like a child at Disneyland, I strike with speed and timing and plant him with a knockout blow. Fuck, if I was Livewire I would be looking into filling a complainant with OHSA about employee mistreatment with how much Seth enjoys watching his World Champion beat the crap out of him.
(Bob comes down off the ladder, pauses like he is about to say something but ICE gets the words in first.)
ICE: Onto our next project...
(Bob is now inside the house and standing on a ladder and working on some crown molding in the corner. ICE is standing below him handing him the tools he needs.)
ICE: Then of course we got this son of the soil from the south, Johnny Reb. When you listen to him talk, he is smart enough to know I am the man to beat and he is even smarter to know his chances are slim to none, but trust me that is where his intelligence runs the fuck out. He talks about how he is at home on a ladder, probably mostly because he squatted in his neighbor’s tree fort after the last tornado blew away his home.
(ICE hands Bob a bucket.)
ICE: I mean Johnny lives so much in the past he might as well get that time machine back up in order to go back to the WCF that he actually found success in. I mean I am sure the guy has to spend a lot of time patching up his shack to keep the hot southern sun out and I am sure he has to spend a lot of time checking his property traps for fresh kills for dinner, but he needs to come to the realization that the new WCF has left him behind. You know what I am talking about Mr. Vila?
(ICE hands Bob a patching trowel, but doesn’t pause long enough for the home improvement man to answer ICE’s question.)
ICE: I mean what the fuck does a rebel reject from the South need with a kick ass beer recipe anyhow? I thought all Southerners drank was well water and moonshine. The only thing he would do with that recipe get a headache trying to read it before giving up and using it as fancy style toilet paper. I just hope Johnny sees the war that waits in with this match. Otherwise I bet he will just pull another ignorant hillbilly mistake, just like General Lee did during the battle of Gettysburg when he marched his troops across the battlefield and allowed the North to pick them off one at a time. I just hope for his fucking sake, his homespun connection with nature comes in time for him to call for the retreat before I end his career. Actually, fuck that, in the time of the ICE AGE those that are weak, those that are dusty shadows of their former selves deserve to be frozen of the face of the planet.
(Bob comes down from the finished job and walks off camera with ICE in toe. The show switches scenes to find ICE and Bob once working with a ladder as Bob works on installing a ceiling fan.)
ICE: Then you got this guy named Jay Omega. I know what you are thinking Bob, he sounds like a video game character, right? Well that is what this guy basically is, but without the off button, rather he is just set on reset mode and he is the one with the controller. Honestly I am just impressed with his ability to function in reality with all the crazy shit he has going on in his mind. That kinda weirdo thinking must have some connection with what happened to his parents when he was a kid; left him with nothing but a fat bank account and a hole he has been looking to fill ever since. Not that I don’t have my own issues from childhood, hell what WCF superstar that is worth listening to, doesn’t have something interesting from their past? But at least guys like Oblivion allow the world to see know about their lose hold on reality by wearing a mask and raging against the public during random freak out moments. But then again maybe Jay does warn the world of his troubles, I mean what kind of grown man has hair with frosted tips?
(Bob grunts at the idea of that silly hair style while reaching for a screw driver from ICE Beckman.)
ICE: But you know my biggest fear in the match does come from Jay. Not from his kicks or punches but his ability to see eye to eye with another guy in this match who goes by the name of Alex Richards. I mean these two are bound to feel a crazy connection like they are patients together in the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Now while crazy is the ultimate wild card, it for sure doesn’t mean guaranteed success. Hell when you are a wild card, people are shocked when you win, but not shocked at all when you lose. And I know when I win the match and I have my hands on that formula that no one will be shocked as the fans are forced to cheer my glory once again.
(ICE hands Bob a light bulb in order to help him finish the task.)
ICE: And you know Speaking of Alex, I have to say the guy has really good taste, for the guy is a true patriot of the ICE AGE. He, like many who have faced me before, have felt the pain in my punch, but still can’t deny my championship greatness. And yes I am fucking flattered by his unquestionable love and devotion to the world of the ICE AGE, but then again the guy is crazier than a NFL football player drunk on his own hype. So his love of me is something I take with nothing more than a grain of salt, or should a say a pinch of crazy. But like I said, if I can just keep Jay and Alex from forming Team Mental Hospital against me I know that I will be the one climbing that ladder for success in the end. Or hell even if they do find one another, they are just as likely to take it out on the ref or the people in the front row, wild card may burn bright, but they also tend to burn out.
(Bob climbs down, doesn’t even bother trying to talk anymore and rather just motions for ICE to follow him with the ladder.)
ICE: And onto our last project for the show.
(The scene cuts to Bob and ICE outside. They both climb up a ladder and onto the roof. Bob bends down and begins to patch a whole in the roofing tiles.)
ICE: Oh yeah, it is important to patch up holes like these in order to keep pests or vermin out. Speaking of pests and vermin that brings me to that last man I will be facing this week, Hyena. A failure of a man whose only one true success in life was correctly naming himself after a scavenger who likes the taste of other people’s shit. Fuck though, considering how the guys seems, I am just shocked he is able to find the ring each Slam, I guess it is like how lassie always found Timmy in the well. In fact the only thing I am more surprised about Hyena then his ability to tell time is his ability to speak. Considering his Hyena like nature I figure there must be a very talented zoo keeper out there wondering how he is going to tell his boss about the escaped animals from the wild dog section.
(ICE hands Bob a new roofing tile.)
ICE: And what the fuck is a beast like that going to do with a recipe for Whoop Ass beer? Chew it up like he might his owner’s homework? I am just saying facing this guy reminds me that I should stop by the WCF medical team and make sure all my shots are up to date, especially my rabies shot. However he truly should be no concern, for no matter how much he nips at my ankles he is never going to get those chompers of his through the thick leather of my work boots.
(ICE hands Bob some nails and a hammer, before bending down and pounding a few nails into the roof himself.)
ICE: And then there is me, the Champion, the King of Kings, the best the WCF will ever have grace its ring and the man who knows beer as well as Livewire knows losing to me. I taste beer on my taste buds when I hear the sound of a beer can opening. I see beer cans floating like toasters on a screen saver when I close my eyes to go to bed at night. I hide so many beers around my cabin that I am pretty sure they are the only thing holding some of the logs together. Fuck, I live next to a lake named after the foam head on a beer, fuck, I am Named After A Beer! Beer is in my blood...always...Beer is on my mind...always...Beer is my holy spirit...And that is why I will win this match...that I fucking rule at wrestling of course.
(ICE stops hammer to really give his next few thoughts their due moment.)
ICE: I mean, when it comes to the guys in this match, I am the total package. I may not be as strong as Alex, but I am also not as fat and slow...and well stupid. I may not have the experience of Johnny Reb, but I am sure his history of ladder matches has made climbing that ladder tough on his tin can man like joints. I may not be as quick as Jay Omega, but I can squash that bug while he is still trying to think of his next cleaver thing to get attention from the crowd. I may not be as fierce as Hyena, but with every compulsive action he makes, I will be one cool and collected guy waiting to make for the perfect moment to gain the upper hand. And then there is Livewire who might be pulling out his last trick to finally try and beat me, but while he is scraping the bottom of the barrel I will be ready with another proven move for victory. For when it comes to the total package, only me, the ICE AGE Champion has it all...the imagination, the speed, the power, the timing...and soon the one with the recipe and right to print free money thanks to America’s collective drinking problem.
(Bob is about to say something again, but ICE is quick to not pay it any attention by quickly filling the slight moment of silence with his own championship chatter.)
ICE: Alright Bob, enough of our talking, let’s get out of here.
(Bob finishes the job as the scene fades to the final segment of the show. ICE and Bob are now standing back at the side of the house where they first started working at the beginning of the day.)
ICE: Well, it was a hard day’s work, but this old house is doing much better now, wouldn’t you say so Mr. Bob Vila?
Bob Vila:.........
(Bob just walks away leaving a confused Natural ICE Beckman behind.)
ICE: Geesh, what the fuck is his problem? Is he mad that I made his show more entertaining than ever before?...Yeah, that is probably it.
(The show comes to an end as ICE Beckman pulls a beer out of the back pocket of his work jeans.)
The Ladder: Part 10
“It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Pervert! Call the Cops!”
(Natural ICE Beckman is walking out of his cabin with a Foam Lake sun setting in the background and a suit case in his hand. He throws the suitcase is the bed of his truck and is about to climb into the cab when Dee comes running up to him.)
DEE: Hold on ICE, I got one more thing for your examination of the Ladder.
ICE: Alright, but making it fucking quick, I got a plane to Canada to catch.
DEE: So I went on my Real Superhero Message Board and found Ladder Man!
ICE: What the fuck is a ladder man?
Ladder Man: Twis’ be ME!
(A man dressed in all black like Zorro leaps from behind a tree while holding a metal ladder. He slowly begins to set up the ladder in the grass and clumsily climbs up the ladder, taking his time in order not to step on his black cape. Once he gets a few steps up he squints his eyes throw his thin black mask and tries his best to pose epically.)
ICE: What the fuck?
DEE: You know of Batman, and Superman, right?
ICE: Yeah.
DEE: Well this is Ladder Man!
Ladder Man: I am LADDER MAN!
ICE: Yeah, Dee just fucking said that.
Ladder Man: I am the keeper of the safety of the night’s beauties.
ICE: What the fuck does that mean?
Ladder Man: It means that I am the watchful eye for the fair and innocent, keeping a lookout for any danger that would ever dare come any fair maiden’s young soft skin. And I do it all from the top of my trusty companion, Sir Ladder-backer!
ICE: And you are a fighter for the good side of life, huh?
DEE: He has a few court cases pending, but he is a true fighter for the people.
Ladder Man: I do not care to speak about those...also, according to the judge, I can’t.
ICE: Dee, why did you bring this fucking perv onto my property?
DEE: He can teach you of the world of the ladder.
ICE: The only thing this fucking guy can teach me is how to get onto the sexual offender registry.
Ladder Man: I can teach you the ways of the Ladder, but only if you are willing and able and come in with a blank mind.
ICE: Is that the same thing you told the girls after you jumped into their rooms and covered their mouth with duck-tape?
Ladder Man: Do not dare talk ill of the great Ladder Man, and just so you know, I never actually had the guts to go into their rooms, oh shit, don’t tell Judge Parker I said that!
DEE: ICE, don’t you have question about ladder height and falling from a ladder and stuff?
ICE: By the way this fucking guy acts he could teach me more about why I should be thinking twice about letting Chelsea get on a plane with strange guys like Jay and Alex, rather than how he could teach me anything about the fucking ladder.
Ladder Man: I can teach you how to make a rope ladder out of your mother’s hair.
DEE: Now that sounds like useful information.
ICE: And how exactly am I supposed to make a rope while a dingo and dick try to take me out?
Ladder Man: Well tell me, have you ever heard of the move...throwing the ladder? Or using the ladder as a sword?
ICE: I have been told my sword is as long as a ladder, does that count?
Ladder Man: I cannot come down to a man who does not believe in my power, Sir Ladder-backer and I will be off from this place and not return.
DEE: Come on ICE, I mean I paid this guy 100 bucks, he must be good for something. I mean he has somehow stayed out of prison; you have to respect that right?
ICE: I got it, how about a little challenge?
DEE: I don’t know, I promised his mother he wouldn’t get hurt.
Ladder Man: I am NO prisoner of my mother, I thy just honor her reasonable requests...as she puts it.
ICE: Alright, I like the sound of that Senor Ladder Zorro-
Ladder Man: Do not insult thy name!
DEE: Yeah, they will ban you on the Superhero message board for that kind of shit.
Ladder Man: He isn’t lying; I saw it happen to Hammer Man.
ICE: A Hammer Ban?...I think I have heard of something like that before.
DEE: You have been on the Superhero message boards?
ICE: Shut up DEE.
Ladder Man: What is your challenge, ICE man?
ICE: If you and DEE could both balance on the top of that ladder at the same time.
Ladder Man: With all the hours spent outside the window of the cheer team’s slumber party and the balance on the top of the ladder I learned during that night, I perfected such a skill...now come Dee and we will balance together.
DEE: This is for you ICE.
ICE: If that is what you need to fucking tell yourself Dee.
(Dee runs up and begins to quickly climb the ladder as Ladder Man does the same on the other side. Once they both get near the top they both take a moment to balance themselves with the tips of their fingers on the very top stop.)
DEE: Hah, we did it!
Ladder Man: Of course we did, for I am the mighty Ladder Man!
(Natural ICE Beckman doesn’t pay the two any moment of attention, before jumping into his truck and quickly reversing the vehicle in the driveway. ICE doesn’t bother looking where he goes as he reverese into the ladder and stops just as he taps the ladder a bit. ICE then peels out of the drive way and away from his cabin, leaving the ladder rocking lightly with both DEE and Ladder Man trying to balance on top.)
DEE: Hold Me!
Ladder Man: Only if you hold me!
(DEE hugs Ladder man, who hugs the skinny nerd back, but it doesn’t stop the ladder from rocking back and forth and soon they all tumble to the ground below. Dee and Ladder Man lie, feeling the pain course through them as they both cry out.)
Ladder Man: Dee, call my mommy for help!
DEE: Sure, right after you call mine!
(And this segment of the promo fades to a black screen. The final scene of the promo then fades in and we are back where we started, with ICE Beckman leaning against the ladder at the TV studio with the grey backdrop.)
ICE: Well there you have it, a true investigation into the ladder. Yes we took a few stops in Crazy Town and Been There Beat That City along the way, but on our journey we truly got to the heart and soul of the ladder. We know that it can be an instrument of help and an instrument of pain. We know that is can be the source for funny crotch shots and tearful strikes to the eyes. We know that it can be as fun as a game when you win and as annoying a creepy wingman friend when you are trying to pick up a girl. But the one thing that has stayed constant through this whole journey is the knowledge that I am the best wrestler going into this match and I will be the best wrestler coming out of this match. As for my opponents, some of you will get the pleasure of feeling a defeat to ICE for the first time and the joy of knowing you were able to one day tell your grandkids that you wrestled the best...as for others you will just feel the repeated sensation of knowing you have been blessed by being in the frozen era of the ICE AGE and while some things never change, it is still a damn good time to be associated with the WCF. Until next time WCF, let the wind blow cold and the frost grow strong...for the power of the ICE AGE is all around you all.
(Natural ICE Beckman picks up a beer of the ladder’s step and begins to chug it as he walks off camera and the entire promo comes to an end with fading in darkness.)
And further proof I am destined for ownership of Whoop Ass Beer...for I know how to advertise...
The Ladder
pr: (Lad-er)
1:a structure of wood, metal, or rope, commonly consisting of twosidepieces between which a series of bars or rungs are set at suitabledistances, forming a means of climbing up or down.
2:something resembling this.
3:a means of rising, as to eminence:
“the ladder of success”.
(The promo opens on a wooden ladder in front of a grey black drop. Natural ICE Beckman walks into the camera shot dressed in jeans, a brand new “ICE AGE REIGNS” T-shirt and with the WCF World title slung over his shoulder. ICE Beckman walks over to the ladder and leans against before stroking his beard and speaking with a serious tone to the camera.)
ICE: The ladder has been an important tool in human success and history through-out it’s existence. It has been on this earth for over 10,000 years and in that time has done everything from help armies conquer countries to help your average Joe change a light bulb. But this week a ladder will be more than just a tool, rather a weapon as well in my match against six of WCF wrestlers in our quest for one of the most sacred things on our planet...the recipe for a damn good beer. So in order to get to know this friend of the handyman, this tool of the short, this weapon of unforgiving steel, I am going to take you and myself on a journey...a journey on the world of the Ladder.
(Natural ICE Beckman looks up towards the top of the ladder as the inrotrudction statement to the promo comes to an end as the video fades to black...
The Ladder: Part 1
“Sometimes gravity provides the best punch lines.”
(Part one of the promo opens on a live studio attendance that is clapping and smiling as some gimmicky theme music plays overhead. The fun camera shots zoom in and out as the camera man pan around the TV studio that is decorated in zany and colorful shapes.)
Narrator: Welcome to America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accidents!
(Natural ICE walks out onto the main stage, smiling and playing the role of a family friendly white-bread host. He is dressed in a navy blue suit with not tie and an open collar. The studio audience begins to end their applause as ICE directs them to with hand motions and the music cues them to by coming to an end.)
ICE: Welcome to the show that proves humans are punished by the God’s of karma for being stupid while on a ladder. Not only to we enjoy laughing at their pain, but know it is even better when it isn’t happening to us. And now to our first video of the evening reminds of Johnny Reb in school; following the rules was harder than reading them.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Now watch this guy who goes up to fix his gutter and turns into the one who needs fixing...
ICE:...reminds me of Livewire in the end, right when he reaches the top he falls flat on his face.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Our next video is one about a guy at work. It reminds me of Jay Omega at work, no one knows exactly what he is talking about, but in the end we all find enjoyment at watching the folly happen.
(The studio audience laughs as the next video begins.)
ICE: Wow, and that one came with some Alex Richards like commentary on the situation. And of course by that I mean, some extra nonsense from the true idiot that didn’t add anything to the video.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And now it is time for our Monkey Moment of the Week. A segment where we like to pick one video that proves to the people at more that Steeltoe is wrong and we are related to nothing but a dumb monkey....
(The studio crowd laughs and claps like trained monkeys ironically as the clip comes to an end.)
ICE: She is just lucky that Hyena wasn’t around after she fell, he would have likely humped her and left her covered in his scent in a message to other alpha males in the area.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Now let’s hit the speed up button in this week’s edition of The Ladder Mayhem Montage. I just hope these guys listen to the same advice my opponents get each week from the WCF Legal Team, “Make sure you watch out when things begin to crumble down around you and I hope your health insurance is up to date”...
(The studio comes back on the show with a thunderous round of applause for each and every piece of painful video they just viewed.)
ICE: Now that just proves that a ladder is truly only useful in the hands of a true professional or a true champion of the industry. Otherwise you are just going to end up like Alex Richards after a therapy sessions, with a lot less money in your pocket and a migraine headache.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And now we come to the best part of the show, where we pick a video winner, well best part of the show for the winner that is.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And here are our three finalists for the night....first there is Guy Working on Gutter. A man so focused on getting the job done he made a stupid mistake; like Alex Richards when he worked so hard to become the People’s Champ Number One Contender only to forgot no one can beat Chelsea Armstrong.
(The audience claps for the blue heaven heroine of the masses.)
ICE: Wow, everyone loves Chelsea, well I am the only one these days that actually “Loves Her”, but everyone else sure like her a lot.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: Second there is...Stupid Employee at Work. An employee worse at his job that Hyena is when he spazzes out at an autograph signing at a shopping mall because he smelled grilled beef coming from the Burger King food court.
(The studio audience laughs.)
ICE: And finally we come to our third finalist...Dr. Alan Carter, The head of the Occupational Therapist Hand and Arm Institute of Marquette University.
(The crowd seems a bit confused by the announcement of the last finalist, but clap none the less.)
ICE: And the winner of...America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accident is....DR. ALAN CARTER!!
(The people clap for the doctor, who awkwardly walks out onto the stage with a very causal wave that shows his uneasiness of being on the show.)
ICE: Congratulations on the big win Doctor!!
Dr. Carter: Um, okay.
ICE: So, Doctor, do you know why you are the big winner?
Dr. Carter: Um, my secretary said I was to give a seminar on workplace safety.
ICE: No...it is because no one deals with more patients of ladder accidents than your faculty!!
Dr. Carter: Oh, well, I guess that does help our financial bottom line.
ICE: So...Congrats on Being the BIG Winner! A feeling that Grayson Pierce will never know!
(The trained studio audience, who all were promised a free WCF t-shirt for participating in the show, once again applaud at the appropriate time.)
Dr. Carter: Okay...well nice...and I know how these shows usually work, I mean, do I win some big payday then?
ICE: Of course!
Dr. Carter: Like thousands of dollars?!...That would help out our Disadvantage Orphans who need new Limbs Program so much.
ICE: Hmmm, well not money, but something much more relevant...AN OLD PAINT STAINED LADDER I STOLE FROM A TV CREW MEMBER!
Dr. Carter: Um, what?
(The fans of ladder accident videos all clap as ICE’s friend PJ walks out onto the colorful stage with the old shitty ladder.)
ICE: Wow, Doctor, what do you plan to do with such an honor?
Dr. Carter: By the looks of the shabby old ladder...I don’t know...keep it away from the hurt orphans as a start.
(Just then a TV crew member comes storming onto the set.)
Crew Member: Where the Heck is my Ladder?!? I saw some fat guy steal it a few minutes ago!
ICE: And that concludes our show tonight, so people until next week be on the lookout for...
The Studio Audience: America’s Funniest Home Ladder Accidents!!
(The show comes to a conclusion as the crew member chases PJ across TV stage. Meanwhile ICE shakes hands with the confused doctor as the people clap the show to its end.)
The Ladder: Part 2
“The United States of Corporation’s Flag would have the 50 white Golden Arches of McDonalds, and the 13 blue and white strips of Visa and Wal-Mart.”
(Natural ICE Beckman is the first thing you see as part two the promo opens up. ICE is sitting in a waiting room at a very nice luxury office building in uptown Manhattan. The fine important rugs lay beneath ICE’s dirty work boots. ICE squints away his drug induced blurred vision to see many expensive pieces of art work lining the wall. Sitting across the waiting room from Beckman at a very large oak desk is a stacked blond receptionist in a tight dress answering the phone on a headset.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Yes, Mr. Kawakami, we believe the tuna is now 95% dolphin free....and yes, the label says %100....you have a good day as well, thank you.
(ICE Beckman is half listening to her speak into the phone as he swaps texts back and forth with Chelsea Armstrong....Omega’s flying us to the great white north, that’s sounds interesting....he types and sends. The receptionist answers he next call as ICE keeps his head down, but looks up with his eyes.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Oh hello, Mr. Waldorf...yes, as of our latest reports the factories in Singapore are running much more efficiently now that the new work force has been set in place....hehe, well yes, their little fingers do work much better than adult fingers do....alright, thank you, have a nice day.
(ICE watches her hang up the phone before looking back down at his phone as a return message from Chelsea pops back up on the screen...Consider the company that is tagging along with us, it should be a fun flight to Canada, IF we even make it there at all...ICE again looks away from his phone as another call comes into the Manhattan business office.)
Receptionist: (into the phone) Hello, Beckman Enterprises, how may I help you?....Yes, I understand your upset how this miss, what is your name again?.....Yes, and you are from what organization again?...Well Miss Sunflower, please tell your Organization of Natural Food Products that our Beckman Family Sausages hasn’t had too much human meat in it since 2013 and that is according to the FDA!
(The receptionist makes a snobby look at no one in particular as she puts her headset down. She then looks over at ICE for a little sympathy.)
Receptionist: Some people are just so blah...am I right?
ICE: Not usually.
Receptionist: Pardon me?
ICE: Listen...(ICE puts away his cell phone and slowly walks over to the desk)...you can just tell whoever is running my once father’s business-
Receptionist: Your once father?
ICE: Trust me, I have a better one now, someone who truly loves and understands me, his name is Father Roman.
Receptionist: That sounds...nice.
ICE: Just tell whoever runs this Beckman Enterprises-
Receptionist: You mean Mr. Ashland?
ICE: Fuck, fine, tell Mr. Ashland he can take this holy shit forsaken company that my former Father has created and shove it up his ass.
Receptionist: But what about the meeting you scheduled? The one about learning about the corporate ladder?
(Natural ICE Beckman begins to head towards the door.)
ICE: He can take that ladder and shove it up his ass too. Fuck, I am glad I work in a business where you don’t cower in the shadows...well unless you are Hyena hiding from his owner after making a mess on the rug...or Jonny Reb looking for a pig in the barn to fuck under the night’s sky.
(ICE slams the door behind him and leaves the snobby receptionist speechless...well, almost speechless.)
Receptionist: Did he think the corporate ladder is an actual ladder?...What an idiot...but he was cute.
(As she goes back to her work we flash into the actual office of Mr. Ashland, head of the Beckman Family Corporation. Mr. Ashland is sitting at his very large desk and looks over to ICE’s natural father, the one who abandoned ICE as a baby, the one who ICE planted through a coffee table with a DDT a few weeks back. The biological father of ICE turns with ease due to his neck-brace and speaks with Mr. Ashland.)
Father Beckman: He has waited long enough...buzz Natural in.
Mr. Ashland: Are you sure you want to do this? I mean the last time you saw him he severely injured you?
Father Beckman: It is about time he heard the truth about his past.
Mr. Ashland: Alright sir, you are the boss...(presses the button to his intercom)...you can send Mr. Natural ICE Beckman now please.
Receptionist: (through the intercom) Sorry sir, he left...something about shoving things up our butts.
Mr. Ashland: What? That sounds like a mistake.
Father Beckman: No, no, knowing my son Natural...that sounds about right.
(And with Father Beckman looking over the New York City skyline the scene fades to an ending.)
The Ladder: Part 3
“Seth is a dick of a boss, but he isn’t the only one.”
(Natural ICE is back in the Foam Lake area of northern Wisconsin. He is not only surrounded by the dark green pines and dark blue lake, but also the rest of the Drunk Money crew: John Beckman, PJ and Dee. All four of them are dressed in old white clothing that is speckled with many different colors of house paint. The four of them are sitting on a grassy lawn and enjoying their lunch hour with some homemade lunches thanks to Dee’s mommy.)
ICE: These lunches fucking suck worse than Livewire’s latest single.
John: Someone actually produces that guy’s music?
ICE: Music? I was talking about his latest singles match.
DEE: You know what ICE? Sorry she was rushed into making them when you called me up and told me we had to be at work in 15 minutes for a job I didn’t even know I had.
ICE: Well I am sorry too Dee.
DEE: Oh my gosh...I have been waiting years to hear you say those words.
ICE: Sorry you are a dickhole and your mother’s fat folds could fill in the Grand Canyon.
DEE: I should have seen that coming.
PJ: I don’t know guys, these blueberry ice pops are tasty...and ICE, you should like them for the hallucination side effects they come with.
John: Um, PJ you buffoon, you are eating the ice packs Dee’s mom packed along with the lunches.
PJ: I am...is that bad, George Washington?
ICE: Fuck PJ man, you are fucked up worse than Alex Richards without his diabetes medication.
PJ: I am...thanks for letting me know Pine Tree that Talks.
DEE: Oh man, my mom is going to be pissed at you PJ, she loves these cooler packs!
PJ: It is okay Mr. Banana Flavored Lolly-Pop, no one can be mad on a beautiful day like this.
DEE: Gosh darn ICE, why are we even working as House Painters anyhow?
ICE: To learn the dangers of the fucking ladder.
John: More like to learn the danger of having a Democrat in the White House.
ICE: Or the danger of letting too much New Blood into the WCF?
PJ: Didn’t you join the WCF less than a year ago, Pine Tree that Talks?
DEE: All I am saying is this job sucks; all that time on a shaky ladder, terrified to look down and if I fell I could really hurt myself.
ICE: Now that sounds like fucking research to me.
DEE: I don’t need any more stress considering that boss of ours!
PJ: Taco Bell Dog may be a bit older then we remember him, but he is still our boss.
John: Taco Bell Dog?...You mean Mr. Sanchez?...Now come on PJ, without our Mexican friends we wouldn’t have roofs, clean skyscraper windows or a two Bush Family Presidents.
ICE: Fuck guys, I thought the racist gimmick was Johnny Reb’s.
(Just then a short and strong Hispanic man, known as Mr. Sanchez, comes walking around the trees in order to rally the Drunk Money crew back to work. Mr. Sanchez’s little pencil mustache twitches as he speaks with fury in his tone.)
Mr. Sanchez: You lazy Americanos...you get back to work...siesta is over!
ICE: Hmmm....time to pull a Jay Omega.
John: Is that when you blind people with big talk and bull shit and hope they consider it interesting?
DEE: Is that when you understand a powerful woman is the true key to success in life?
PJ: No, and enough with your Banana Flavored Mother Lolly-pop Issues shit dude...he is talking about how Jay Omega is nothing but a silver spoon feed egomaniac.
ICE: Actually PJ is right on...I mean...We Fucking Quit, Mr. Dirty Sanchez!
(ICE quickly runs off, as DEE and John are spineless and then so also quick to follow the WCF Champion; however PJ slowly stands up and looks at Mr. Sanchez.)
Mr. Sanchez: I do not do poop stuff with my wife, I told you that!
PJ: Just relax Old Taco Bell Dog.
Mr. Sanchez: You call me that again Senor and I am going to go loco on you.
PJ: Fine, I can take a hint and...It is a Yes! I will take that job making delicious chicken quesadillas for minimum wage! Now can I get an application to fill out then?
(PJ still doesn’t budge from his spot as Mr. Sanchez yells many Spanish language curses, along with some spit, right into the fat Foam Lakers face as this part of the promo fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 4
“I think there is a reason more Fire-fighters aren’t paid actually money.”
(We see a similar scene to part 3 of the segment to the opening of part 4 with the Drunk Money crew once again sitting in a circle on some grass with the same shit lunches from Dee’s mom. However instead of dressed in dirty painting clothes, they are dressed in firefighter yellow pants that are held up with red suspenders along with a charcoal stain white t-shirts.)
DEE: Wow, I have never felt like more like a man then today; when I got to hang out with all these rugged forest fighters.
John: You fainted...twice.
ICE: Yeah, but into the arms of men...so you can see why he liked it.
PJ: It may be the blueberry insanity juice talking-
DEE: You mean the insides of my mother’s cooler packs.
PJ: If you say so Banana Flavored Lolly-Pop, but as I was saying Dee really liked today for he hides his love of men like Hyena hides his love of extra poopy entrails or Omega hides his love of sex with the U.S. Title or Grayson Pierce hides his love of Kenny G or Johnny Reb hides his love of Abraham Lincoln or Alex Richards hides his love of quiet walks on the beach....right Natural ICE Beckman?
John: Wow, I have never heard PJ sound smarter.
ICE: I know, I would bother with adding an insult of my opponents now...but I think he already got the job done.
DEE: Speaking of getting the job done, maybe we should hurry up with this break and get back to work before Chief Anderson yells at us again.
PJ: Shut up Dee...and you know Banana flavor is the worse artificial flavor, right?
DEE: I am not Banana flavored! I just bleach my hair blonder for the ladies okay!
ICE: That means his fucking mom likes it!
(Just then the fire chief that Dee just warned the group comes storming around the firehouse corner. His full mustache gets caught in the wind each time he yells at ICE Beckman and his crew.)
Chief Anderson: You Lazy Volunteers might as well get paid nothing for how hard you work!
John: You do know what volunteer means right?
Chief Anderson: Well then why did you sign on for this role?!
ICE: Fucking ladder research, of course.
Chief Anderson: Yes, of course...What the Fuck are you talking about now!?!
DEE: I told you not to piss of Chief, ICE!
Chief Anderson: At least ICE doesn’t pussy out at the first sign of danger!
DEE: Hey, that lunch of my Hot Pocket is hot coming out of the microwave!
ICE: Alright boys time to pull an Alex Richards at a Weight Watchers meeting and leave ASAP!
John: Or Alex Richards looking for the exit in a Cornfield maze and get lost ASAP!
PJ: Or Alex Richards trying to spell ASAP and fake a heart attack to get out of it....ASAP.
John: Wow, this new PJ is something better for sure.
ICE: Maybe we should feed him toxic blue cooler material every fucking day.
Chief Anderson: Enough with your shit! Get out of Here!
DEE: Yes sir, right away sir!
(Dee sprints off the scene as ICE and John both take their time like their cocky DNA makes them as the Chief watches them go. However ICE has to quickly come back and grab PJ as he begins to have some sort of brain dead moment that only a true drug using professional like ICE Beckman could see coming on before is truly hits. The chief watches them exit the scene, before shaking his head and doing the same as it all fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 5
“Board games aren’t bored games when drugs are involved.”
(We find the promo opening at ICE’s Foam Lake cabin where the DMC is sitting around a table playing a children’s classic board game. Natural ICE is offering around a joint that only John takes a quick hit from, while PJ is looking pretty sick with a white face and a slight wobble. DEE is moving his piece along the game board.)
DEE: 5...6...7...Oh man.
ICE: Oh Dee, fucked again.
John: That’s not something we say much around here.
DEE: I am so sick of lading on chutes! I never did like this game!
ICE: Just because you fucking suck at it don’t get all whiney.
DEE: I am not getting whiney!
John: That sounded pretty whiney to me.
DEE: Why are even playing this? How is a board game going to get ready for a wrestling match.
ICE: Fucking Duh Idiot, it’s called Chutes and Ladders and I am wresting in a fucking ladder match this week. Stop fucking pulling an Alex Richards and get us off track.
DEE: Playing this game seems kind of Alex Richards to me.
John: If Alex Richards was here there would be a bite or two out of the game board...now go PJ, it is your turn.
PJ:....urgh....
ICE: Damn PJ you don’t look so good.
PJ: My tummy really hurts...I think I am going to-
(PJ vomits blue liquid all over the game board. DEE, John and ICE Beckman are quick to slide their chairs away from the table.)
ICE: Holy Shit! Game is over!
(This short part of the promo comes to a quick end as PJ passes out and slams his head down on the wooden table.)
The Ladder: Part 6
“As classic in many ways.”
(The crew has moved away from PJ’s blue vomit explosion at the table and is gathered around the TV over by the cabin’s fireplace. ICE Beckman has the main controller to the video game and begins to act like a conductor of fun by setting up the match on the WCF: The Video Game.)
John: Here we go again.
DEE: Another children’s game in order to prepare for a man’s war.
ICE: WAR is still a few weeks away you fucking moron; besides aren’t you the fucking guy with Star Wars bed sheets that his mommy bought him?
DEE: HEY! That’s not true...they are Star Trek!!
PJ: Like that is any better, dork.
John: By the way PJ, I have to ask since I am in the possible vomit splash zone...are you feeling better?
PJ: Oh yeah, a good vomit always refreshes me...I am back to feeling normal, meaning my side aches, my heart hurts and my head has this annoying ringing.
DEE: I told you those are serious medical issues. You need to go to the Doctor.
PJ: I visit Web M.D. all the time.
John: I don’t think the internet can replace a human, PJ.
ICE: Tell that to Grayson Pierce’s love life....now everyone pick their wrestler for the ladder match.
PJ: OH, I get to be Natural ICE Beckman!
ICE: No fucking way...I am the only one who can handle him...well me and Chelsea.
(ICE Beckman picks his character for the match.)
DEE: Wait, there are six guys in the main event on Slam, but we can only pick four for this match.
ICE: Don’t worry the fucking nerd game engineers helped me with that; after the first two people are eliminated they get to reenter the match as one of the two guys we don’t pick.
John: Well I found my guy...
DEE: You just picked him because of his name.
John: It is his biggest blessing in life.
ICE: He is an uneducated hillbilly from the south that’s only friend is Doc Henry...I would say his name is his only fucking blessing.
PJ: I found my guy...and it makes sense since I am such a great singer.
DEE: Please don’t si-
PJ: “Ohh baby baby, Oh baby baby, rub my dick...maaaaaybe!”
John: Never sing again!
PJ: But-
John: NEVER SING AGAIN!
PJ: Okay, sorry.
ICE: Wow, nicely done John, remind me to arrange a conversation with you and Pierce.
DEE: Alright, I found my guy. And finally I will be that big guy that bullies can’t hurt.
John: Um, is that the real reason you pick Alex...or is it because he looks like your mom?
ICE: I think you on the right fucking track John, but I think he picked Alex because his tits remind Dee of his mother.
DEE: Yes, like I said...bullies...can’t hurt me....(sniffles)...just start the match.
Game Announcer: Tonight’s match...a Ladder Match...Natural ICE Beckman vs. Johnny Reb vs. Grayson Pierce vs Alex Richards vs Jay Omega vs Hyena....Ready and....FIGHT!
John: Oh come, look at my guy, he looks like a child of years on inbreeding...why can’t anyone do my name the justice it deserves?
ICE: There is Jonny Fly?
John: Who spells his name like a little boy would, come on PJ is even kicking my ass.
PJ: Actually I think my voice is doing the real damage.
ICE: Fuck, it is taking us all down!
PJ: I am so awesome at this game...time to take it to the top rope so all can hear me sing.
DEE: Here this....for I am the Phantom of the Big Splash and you are out of here LiveWire!
John: That was a good move and a terrible musical reference, Dee.
PJ: Oh shit my guy is bleeding from the mouth.
ICE: His best hit ever...but don’t worry PJ here comes your new wrestler.
PJ: Alright, it is Jay Leno!
DEE: That says Omega, PJ.
PJ: Hey back off, I read the Jay part right!
John: Holy Heck ICE stop kicking my ass with, well, you!
ICE: The ICE AGE has gone 8-bit!
John: Well what if I press the A and B button at the same time?....Take THAT!...wait, what is happening? Who is that with the hat?
ICE: It is the South’s biggest villain...Abraham Lincoln!
John: Oh fuck that sure didn't work out well for me, and he just knocked the few teeth I had out of my mouth.
DEE: I guess the South will not be rising again.
John: Well I am out which means I get the last person left who is....
John: Why do I look like that X-man guy who shaved in the dark?
DEE: He is name is Wolverine!
ICE: I think his guy is just fucking gross.
John: Yeah, what the hell? Why is everyone else running from the ring? Oh wait, I see now, all my buttons just make my guy poop in the ring!
PJ: Ew, you are like ICE’s dog.
ICE: Speaking of...here is Satan’s Pizza.
John: Well, I might as let him play, since this guy is so shitty!
DEE: Shitty! I get the pun!
(John puts down his controller and allows the dog to paw at it like it is one of his best toys.)
PJ: Haha! You are letting a dog be your guy...Haha...CRAP! He just got me out!
ICE: What a good boy you are Satan’s Pizza.
DEE: Hehe, PJ you were just eliminated by a dog!...Who I am about to eliminate- Darn! He just got me out!
(ICE’s dog smiles and wags his tail as PJ and DEE can’t believe what just happened.)
John: What the hell? I could do nothing with that character.
ICE: I guess it is a fucking K-9 mind meld thing.
PJ: What is the Hyena character doing now?
DEE: Oh gross, he is peeing on our characters!
ICE: And now it is just down to me, the WCF World Champion and king of the ICE AGE vs Hyena; time to set up the ladder and win this bitch.
John: Enough of this, I am finally going to beat ICE as ICE in this game!
(John Beckman grabs the NES controller away from the dog and begins to play...but not for long.)
ICE: Beer Bong on Hyena!
John: Oh come on!
ICE: Followed by a 100 Proof Shot DDT!...How do you like that Hangover...And with him out time for me to get my Whoop Ass Beer rights!
John: Well crap, I should have let the dog keep playing my controller.
(Satan’s Pizza gives John Beckman a few barks before heading off to the kitchen.)
ICE: He told you.
PJ: Wait, the match isn’t over; I could still be Zebra Man!
John: PJ, you are talking about the WCF ref.
DEE: Besides, it says ICE wins on the screen...can’t you read even that?
PJ: Um...uh....BLAH!!!!
DEE: What are you doing?
PJ: Um....trying to vomit again to get out of this moment.
ICE: You are trying to fucking vomit again...okay, game over!
(Natural ICE and John Beckman are quick to head out of the area as Dee watches his chunky friend continue to try and dry heave.)
The Ladder: Part 7
“When looking back at ICE’s WCF career you can understand why bad luck is a hard concept for him.”
(Natural ICE Beckman is the first thing we see as part seven of this promo opens up on the screen. He is standing on the side of his log cabin with PJ and Dee and a few props: a ladder, a mirror and a penny, that ICE is tossing over and over in his hand.)
ICE: Welcome to the WCF Science Text Experiment Lab...also known as my side yard. Now ever since we lost Dr. Remus Micayle to Alex Richards Sat on My Head Disease.
PJ: Don’t you mean Dr. Dork?
ICE: Yes, thank you PJ, or as I use to call him, Dr. Dork...good times, good times...I figure we need to once again find the educational side of life and that is why I have invented you here to test if Bad Luck truly can be handed out by the gods of karma through very basic and simple acts. Now I have brought a few different materials in which to use along with a fine specimen.
PJ: Hi, I am the spaceman.
ICE: PJ, that is pronounced Specimen.
PJ: Ok, I will play along but spicy food gives me wicked harsh heart burn.
ICE: It is fucking pronounced- never mind. Now onto the experiment....PJ, do you fear bad luck?
PJ: Look at me; I eat nothing but deep friend food and my only exercise is getting up to flip the channel when my remote batteries die...but still I have a body that the ladies can’t keep their hands off.
ICE: Yeah, as long as your fucking singles don’t run out that is.
PJ: Huh?
ICE: Anyways, moving on, PJ do you believe in karma or superstitions?
PJ: No way, the only higher power I believe in is God and Vince Lombardi’s Ghost.
ICE: So you won’t not fear picking this penny up, even if it wasn’t heads up like the saying goes “Find a penny pick it up, and all day you’ll have good luck."
(ICE places the penny at the feet of PJ with the tails side looking up at PJ.)
PJ: Here is another saying I know...(bends down to get the cent)...a penny saved if a penny learned, or yearned, or...is blearned a word?
ICE: Alright, then if you don’t fear that bit of bad luck, try this one...”Break a mirror and seven years bad luck.”
(ICE hands PJ a hand mirror)
PJ: Breaking stuff is fun...nothing more.
(PJ slams the mirror agains the side of the log cabin and it shattering into many pieces as he does so.)
ICE: Wow, you really have no fear...and now the last time...”Walk under a ladder is bad luck”.
PJ: Oh big whoop, it is just a ladder. I have walked under worse...like my ex-wife’s legs for example.
ICE: What the fuck does that mean?
PJ: Well I was pretending to be a bad dog and she was-
ICE: Just walk under the damn ladder PJ.
(PJ walks over to the ladder and has to turn and wiggle to get under and through it, but makes it under the ladder. He pops out the other side like a hero that just saved the day.)
PJ: Taa Daa! I did it and not an like of...(Just then PJ’s pocket rings)...oops, just a minute, my phone is ringing.
(PJ reaches into the dusty pocket of his sagging jeans and pulls out his free flip phone from Motorola.)
PJ: Hey ho, who be this?....Oh hello BITCH!
(PJ pulls the phone away from his chubby face.)
PJ: It is my ex-wife.
ICE: Hmmm, possible bad news?
PJ: Well, I am not exactly ever happy to talk with her...(hears his ex yelling on the other end so he puts the phone back up to his face)...yeah, yeah, I am still here. What is up?...What? I have to pay you how much every year? EVERY MONTH!...But what about my lawyer!?...Not a real Lawyer!...Convicted on 17 counts of fraud!!!...Well I still get to keep my trailer right?!...WHAT!? That means I am homeless now!...Hey, stop laughing at me!
(PJ hangs up the phone.)
ICE: Sounds like some bad luck news there.
PJ: No big deal...which reminds me, can I stay with you for a while, ICE?
ICE: I think my answer is just more bad luck for you PJ.
PJ: Oh well...I mean, so I am homeless and broke, things at least can’t get any worse, right?
(Just then Dee comes walking into the scene.)
DEE: Hey, PJ did you hear about Burger Boy restaurants?
PJ: No, why? What happened?
DEE: The Health Department declared their deep friend bacon doughnut burger with extra nacho cheese too unhealthy to legally serve!
PJ: NOOOOO!!! LORD KILL ME NOW!! I AM SORRY KARMA!!!
(PJ falls to his knees and flings his head down to the ground as he begins to weep like a spoiled child not getting their way at Toys R Us.)
ICE: There you have it people, proof that messing with bad luck is a real thing in our cosmic universe. So be careful where you walk, those future opponents of mine, for your walk down the aisle to the ring to face me is just like a cursed walked under a ladder.
DEE: That was a terrible metaphor.
ICE: Shut up Dee...and pick up that glass. I still have a bunch of shit to get too and a flight to Canada to catch soon.
(ICE looks at Dee, who doesn’t move, until ICE flinches a punch at him and with that Dee is quick to the ground to start picking up the broken mirror pieces. Meanwhile PJ continues to wail like a child as somewhere karma has proven its point as this part of the promo fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 8
“Signs, signs, everywhere signs, fucking up the shitty, breaking my kind. Do this, don’t do that, can’t believe the signs.”
(The promo fades back from the gold lettering on the black screen to Natural ICE Beckman sitting on a tv sound stage in a chair, with another gentleman in a similar blue chair. Between the two men is a simple end table with two mugs of water and a comforting fern plant. Behind them is similar gray back drop as seen earlier in the promo and a sign that reads “Meet The Inventor Of...”)
ICE: Hello and welcome to the Meet The Inventor Of show. Tonight my guest is the creator of one of the biggest additions to the ladder in thousands of year. His name is Bob Thompson and he created this...
ICE: That is right, he created the sign for the step on the ladder that you are not supposed to step on. But I am sure you hardcore ladder enthusiasts out there already knew that. Now, how are you Mr. Thompson?
Mr. Thompson: I am doing alright. Tell me have you done many of these shows?
ICE: This is the first show ever, but remember I am the host, I ask the questions. Now what made you think about creating this label?
Mr. Thompson: Um, safety, I suppose.
ICE: Safety? That is it?
Mr. Thompson: Well I guess my boss first asked me to make it.
ICE: Would you say that a moron like Alex Richards or a vermin like Hyena would be stupid enough to stand on this step?
Mr. Thompson: Um, I don’t know who those mean are.
ICE: What about Jay Omega and his ego, would that make him think he would still be able to deal with such a warning?
Mr. Thompson: Again, I have no idea who you are talking about.
ICE: Well then you for sure won’t know who Johnny Reb or Grayson Pierce is, huh?
Mr. Thompson: Wasn’t one of them a James Bonds?
ICE: Now I lead to believe that you were the expert Mr. Thompson.
Mr. Thompson: Well I can tell you the first sign was made with a red background, but my boss thought that was a little too aggressive.
ICE: That is the inside information you are giving me?
Mr. Thompson: Um, I can give you the exact amount of weight the non-step can handle?
ICE: How the (BEEP) is that going to help?
Mr. Thompson: Um, it is 15 pounds.
ICE: Well at least that tells me Livewire will be able to balance on it.
Mr. Thompson: I can also tell you that I have been unemployed for the last 20 years...and ever since my wife left me I spend most night pantsless and eating cold soup directly from the can.
ICE: Well that sounds like the life of Jay Omega when the cameras turn off, maybe you can teach me.
Mr. Thompson: By the way, can I stay at your place for a while?
ICE: Um, no (BEEP)ing way, but I may have a friend named PJ who could be your roommate for you.
Mr. Thompson: Does he enjoy following good safety rules and living in the past?
ICE: Living in the past? Maybe Johnny Reb would be a better roommate cuz’ he loves living in the past and cuz’ PJ ain’t too good with the safety stuff.
Mr. Thompson: Whatever. For anywhere is better than sleeping in my storage space; the guy living in the unit next to me keeps inviting me over for a box wine and scary movie night.
ICE: Well Mr. Thompson anything else you can tell me about the warning step, or hell, the ladder in general?
Mr. Thompson: Just remember to head the warnings, they aren’t a joke.
ICE: Nicely put Mr. Thompson, I hope my opponents this week since the gold warning strapped across my waist...but I bet they will just fall into the nothing but a joke trap like all the Mac’s and Synn’s have before them.
Mr. Thompson: I am glad I could help...now can I get twenty bucks for some...uh, “food”?
ICE: Get the (BEEP) off my show’s stage!!
(Mr. Thompson quickly retracts his begging hand and sulks off camera as ICE leans back in the chair while searching for his open beer that he hide somewhere behind the fern as the promo once again fades to black.)
The Ladder: Part 9
“Good news Bob Vila is still alive...so maybe he can help fix your crappy house.”
(The promo begins to show clips from different remodeling jobs on different kinds of houses. You see buckets of paint, ladders being leaned against the side of house and finally a red pick-up truck coming up a driveway. The truck comes to a stop and out steps Bob Vila, with a peppered colored beard and a button up flannel shirt. He leans again the door as the show’s introduction fades away. We now see Bob Vila, standing at the base of a ladder, holding a tool box in his hands. Bob is just about to speak, when Natural ICE Beckman comes walking into the scene.)
ICE: Don’t worry Bob, I got this...
(Bob just shrugs his shoulders and closes his mouth.)
ICE: Welcome to another peak into the world of the ladder, more specifically home improvements. I have brought home repair specialist and long time TV host, Bob Vila to help us explain what exactly we are doing to this old house, right Bob?
(Again Bob is about to speak, but ICE once again starts talking first.)
ICE: Yes today we are using the ladder to get some basic do it yourself jobs down around this house. First we will be adding some touch up paint on the houses siding.
(Bob begins to climb the ladder and get to work as ICE holds the ladder and continues to ramble on.)
ICE: You know Bob, home improvements not only are important for the upkeep of the property you have invested in, but they also give a man time to think about all the troubles in his life. Like take me for example, I not only have only problem in my life, but five of them, well I shouldn’t call them problems, more like nuisances.
(Bob begins to scrap the old paint away from the siding, before adding some paint.)
ICE: You know one of these nuisances is one that just keeps coming back for me. His name is Grayson Pierce and the only thing he is worse at then comedy and singing is wrestling. In fact I have kicked his ass so much around the WCF lately that he is like WCF gum stuck on the bottom of my boot. I just hope this week I can finally get his jobber goo away from me once and for all. You ever deal with an annoyance house repair job that just kept coming back?
(Bob looks down and thinks a moment, but again doesn’t get out a word before ICE lets his train of thought once again pull out of his mouth station.)
ICE: I mean the guy has really no ammo left in his trash talking tank, I have beaten him up so much he might as well be Jay Omega’s dick in junior high, red, raw and beaten to death. I know the fools weaknesses in the ring, I know that he tries and tries and allows his overexertion to reach a point of no return. And in that moment where he has worn himself out like a child at Disneyland, I strike with speed and timing and plant him with a knockout blow. Fuck, if I was Livewire I would be looking into filling a complainant with OHSA about employee mistreatment with how much Seth enjoys watching his World Champion beat the crap out of him.
(Bob comes down off the ladder, pauses like he is about to say something but ICE gets the words in first.)
ICE: Onto our next project...
(Bob is now inside the house and standing on a ladder and working on some crown molding in the corner. ICE is standing below him handing him the tools he needs.)
ICE: Then of course we got this son of the soil from the south, Johnny Reb. When you listen to him talk, he is smart enough to know I am the man to beat and he is even smarter to know his chances are slim to none, but trust me that is where his intelligence runs the fuck out. He talks about how he is at home on a ladder, probably mostly because he squatted in his neighbor’s tree fort after the last tornado blew away his home.
(ICE hands Bob a bucket.)
ICE: I mean Johnny lives so much in the past he might as well get that time machine back up in order to go back to the WCF that he actually found success in. I mean I am sure the guy has to spend a lot of time patching up his shack to keep the hot southern sun out and I am sure he has to spend a lot of time checking his property traps for fresh kills for dinner, but he needs to come to the realization that the new WCF has left him behind. You know what I am talking about Mr. Vila?
(ICE hands Bob a patching trowel, but doesn’t pause long enough for the home improvement man to answer ICE’s question.)
ICE: I mean what the fuck does a rebel reject from the South need with a kick ass beer recipe anyhow? I thought all Southerners drank was well water and moonshine. The only thing he would do with that recipe get a headache trying to read it before giving up and using it as fancy style toilet paper. I just hope Johnny sees the war that waits in with this match. Otherwise I bet he will just pull another ignorant hillbilly mistake, just like General Lee did during the battle of Gettysburg when he marched his troops across the battlefield and allowed the North to pick them off one at a time. I just hope for his fucking sake, his homespun connection with nature comes in time for him to call for the retreat before I end his career. Actually, fuck that, in the time of the ICE AGE those that are weak, those that are dusty shadows of their former selves deserve to be frozen of the face of the planet.
(Bob comes down from the finished job and walks off camera with ICE in toe. The show switches scenes to find ICE and Bob once working with a ladder as Bob works on installing a ceiling fan.)
ICE: Then you got this guy named Jay Omega. I know what you are thinking Bob, he sounds like a video game character, right? Well that is what this guy basically is, but without the off button, rather he is just set on reset mode and he is the one with the controller. Honestly I am just impressed with his ability to function in reality with all the crazy shit he has going on in his mind. That kinda weirdo thinking must have some connection with what happened to his parents when he was a kid; left him with nothing but a fat bank account and a hole he has been looking to fill ever since. Not that I don’t have my own issues from childhood, hell what WCF superstar that is worth listening to, doesn’t have something interesting from their past? But at least guys like Oblivion allow the world to see know about their lose hold on reality by wearing a mask and raging against the public during random freak out moments. But then again maybe Jay does warn the world of his troubles, I mean what kind of grown man has hair with frosted tips?
(Bob grunts at the idea of that silly hair style while reaching for a screw driver from ICE Beckman.)
ICE: But you know my biggest fear in the match does come from Jay. Not from his kicks or punches but his ability to see eye to eye with another guy in this match who goes by the name of Alex Richards. I mean these two are bound to feel a crazy connection like they are patients together in the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Now while crazy is the ultimate wild card, it for sure doesn’t mean guaranteed success. Hell when you are a wild card, people are shocked when you win, but not shocked at all when you lose. And I know when I win the match and I have my hands on that formula that no one will be shocked as the fans are forced to cheer my glory once again.
(ICE hands Bob a light bulb in order to help him finish the task.)
ICE: And you know Speaking of Alex, I have to say the guy has really good taste, for the guy is a true patriot of the ICE AGE. He, like many who have faced me before, have felt the pain in my punch, but still can’t deny my championship greatness. And yes I am fucking flattered by his unquestionable love and devotion to the world of the ICE AGE, but then again the guy is crazier than a NFL football player drunk on his own hype. So his love of me is something I take with nothing more than a grain of salt, or should a say a pinch of crazy. But like I said, if I can just keep Jay and Alex from forming Team Mental Hospital against me I know that I will be the one climbing that ladder for success in the end. Or hell even if they do find one another, they are just as likely to take it out on the ref or the people in the front row, wild card may burn bright, but they also tend to burn out.
(Bob climbs down, doesn’t even bother trying to talk anymore and rather just motions for ICE to follow him with the ladder.)
ICE: And onto our last project for the show.
(The scene cuts to Bob and ICE outside. They both climb up a ladder and onto the roof. Bob bends down and begins to patch a whole in the roofing tiles.)
ICE: Oh yeah, it is important to patch up holes like these in order to keep pests or vermin out. Speaking of pests and vermin that brings me to that last man I will be facing this week, Hyena. A failure of a man whose only one true success in life was correctly naming himself after a scavenger who likes the taste of other people’s shit. Fuck though, considering how the guys seems, I am just shocked he is able to find the ring each Slam, I guess it is like how lassie always found Timmy in the well. In fact the only thing I am more surprised about Hyena then his ability to tell time is his ability to speak. Considering his Hyena like nature I figure there must be a very talented zoo keeper out there wondering how he is going to tell his boss about the escaped animals from the wild dog section.
(ICE hands Bob a new roofing tile.)
ICE: And what the fuck is a beast like that going to do with a recipe for Whoop Ass beer? Chew it up like he might his owner’s homework? I am just saying facing this guy reminds me that I should stop by the WCF medical team and make sure all my shots are up to date, especially my rabies shot. However he truly should be no concern, for no matter how much he nips at my ankles he is never going to get those chompers of his through the thick leather of my work boots.
(ICE hands Bob some nails and a hammer, before bending down and pounding a few nails into the roof himself.)
ICE: And then there is me, the Champion, the King of Kings, the best the WCF will ever have grace its ring and the man who knows beer as well as Livewire knows losing to me. I taste beer on my taste buds when I hear the sound of a beer can opening. I see beer cans floating like toasters on a screen saver when I close my eyes to go to bed at night. I hide so many beers around my cabin that I am pretty sure they are the only thing holding some of the logs together. Fuck, I live next to a lake named after the foam head on a beer, fuck, I am Named After A Beer! Beer is in my blood...always...Beer is on my mind...always...Beer is my holy spirit...And that is why I will win this match...that I fucking rule at wrestling of course.
(ICE stops hammer to really give his next few thoughts their due moment.)
ICE: I mean, when it comes to the guys in this match, I am the total package. I may not be as strong as Alex, but I am also not as fat and slow...and well stupid. I may not have the experience of Johnny Reb, but I am sure his history of ladder matches has made climbing that ladder tough on his tin can man like joints. I may not be as quick as Jay Omega, but I can squash that bug while he is still trying to think of his next cleaver thing to get attention from the crowd. I may not be as fierce as Hyena, but with every compulsive action he makes, I will be one cool and collected guy waiting to make for the perfect moment to gain the upper hand. And then there is Livewire who might be pulling out his last trick to finally try and beat me, but while he is scraping the bottom of the barrel I will be ready with another proven move for victory. For when it comes to the total package, only me, the ICE AGE Champion has it all...the imagination, the speed, the power, the timing...and soon the one with the recipe and right to print free money thanks to America’s collective drinking problem.
(Bob is about to say something again, but ICE is quick to not pay it any attention by quickly filling the slight moment of silence with his own championship chatter.)
ICE: Alright Bob, enough of our talking, let’s get out of here.
(Bob finishes the job as the scene fades to the final segment of the show. ICE and Bob are now standing back at the side of the house where they first started working at the beginning of the day.)
ICE: Well, it was a hard day’s work, but this old house is doing much better now, wouldn’t you say so Mr. Bob Vila?
Bob Vila:.........
(Bob just walks away leaving a confused Natural ICE Beckman behind.)
ICE: Geesh, what the fuck is his problem? Is he mad that I made his show more entertaining than ever before?...Yeah, that is probably it.
(The show comes to an end as ICE Beckman pulls a beer out of the back pocket of his work jeans.)
The Ladder: Part 10
“It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Pervert! Call the Cops!”
(Natural ICE Beckman is walking out of his cabin with a Foam Lake sun setting in the background and a suit case in his hand. He throws the suitcase is the bed of his truck and is about to climb into the cab when Dee comes running up to him.)
DEE: Hold on ICE, I got one more thing for your examination of the Ladder.
ICE: Alright, but making it fucking quick, I got a plane to Canada to catch.
DEE: So I went on my Real Superhero Message Board and found Ladder Man!
ICE: What the fuck is a ladder man?
Ladder Man: Twis’ be ME!
(A man dressed in all black like Zorro leaps from behind a tree while holding a metal ladder. He slowly begins to set up the ladder in the grass and clumsily climbs up the ladder, taking his time in order not to step on his black cape. Once he gets a few steps up he squints his eyes throw his thin black mask and tries his best to pose epically.)
ICE: What the fuck?
DEE: You know of Batman, and Superman, right?
ICE: Yeah.
DEE: Well this is Ladder Man!
Ladder Man: I am LADDER MAN!
ICE: Yeah, Dee just fucking said that.
Ladder Man: I am the keeper of the safety of the night’s beauties.
ICE: What the fuck does that mean?
Ladder Man: It means that I am the watchful eye for the fair and innocent, keeping a lookout for any danger that would ever dare come any fair maiden’s young soft skin. And I do it all from the top of my trusty companion, Sir Ladder-backer!
ICE: And you are a fighter for the good side of life, huh?
DEE: He has a few court cases pending, but he is a true fighter for the people.
Ladder Man: I do not care to speak about those...also, according to the judge, I can’t.
ICE: Dee, why did you bring this fucking perv onto my property?
DEE: He can teach you of the world of the ladder.
ICE: The only thing this fucking guy can teach me is how to get onto the sexual offender registry.
Ladder Man: I can teach you the ways of the Ladder, but only if you are willing and able and come in with a blank mind.
ICE: Is that the same thing you told the girls after you jumped into their rooms and covered their mouth with duck-tape?
Ladder Man: Do not dare talk ill of the great Ladder Man, and just so you know, I never actually had the guts to go into their rooms, oh shit, don’t tell Judge Parker I said that!
DEE: ICE, don’t you have question about ladder height and falling from a ladder and stuff?
ICE: By the way this fucking guy acts he could teach me more about why I should be thinking twice about letting Chelsea get on a plane with strange guys like Jay and Alex, rather than how he could teach me anything about the fucking ladder.
Ladder Man: I can teach you how to make a rope ladder out of your mother’s hair.
DEE: Now that sounds like useful information.
ICE: And how exactly am I supposed to make a rope while a dingo and dick try to take me out?
Ladder Man: Well tell me, have you ever heard of the move...throwing the ladder? Or using the ladder as a sword?
ICE: I have been told my sword is as long as a ladder, does that count?
Ladder Man: I cannot come down to a man who does not believe in my power, Sir Ladder-backer and I will be off from this place and not return.
DEE: Come on ICE, I mean I paid this guy 100 bucks, he must be good for something. I mean he has somehow stayed out of prison; you have to respect that right?
ICE: I got it, how about a little challenge?
DEE: I don’t know, I promised his mother he wouldn’t get hurt.
Ladder Man: I am NO prisoner of my mother, I thy just honor her reasonable requests...as she puts it.
ICE: Alright, I like the sound of that Senor Ladder Zorro-
Ladder Man: Do not insult thy name!
DEE: Yeah, they will ban you on the Superhero message board for that kind of shit.
Ladder Man: He isn’t lying; I saw it happen to Hammer Man.
ICE: A Hammer Ban?...I think I have heard of something like that before.
DEE: You have been on the Superhero message boards?
ICE: Shut up DEE.
Ladder Man: What is your challenge, ICE man?
ICE: If you and DEE could both balance on the top of that ladder at the same time.
Ladder Man: With all the hours spent outside the window of the cheer team’s slumber party and the balance on the top of the ladder I learned during that night, I perfected such a skill...now come Dee and we will balance together.
DEE: This is for you ICE.
ICE: If that is what you need to fucking tell yourself Dee.
(Dee runs up and begins to quickly climb the ladder as Ladder Man does the same on the other side. Once they both get near the top they both take a moment to balance themselves with the tips of their fingers on the very top stop.)
DEE: Hah, we did it!
Ladder Man: Of course we did, for I am the mighty Ladder Man!
(Natural ICE Beckman doesn’t pay the two any moment of attention, before jumping into his truck and quickly reversing the vehicle in the driveway. ICE doesn’t bother looking where he goes as he reverese into the ladder and stops just as he taps the ladder a bit. ICE then peels out of the drive way and away from his cabin, leaving the ladder rocking lightly with both DEE and Ladder Man trying to balance on top.)
DEE: Hold Me!
Ladder Man: Only if you hold me!
(DEE hugs Ladder man, who hugs the skinny nerd back, but it doesn’t stop the ladder from rocking back and forth and soon they all tumble to the ground below. Dee and Ladder Man lie, feeling the pain course through them as they both cry out.)
Ladder Man: Dee, call my mommy for help!
DEE: Sure, right after you call mine!
(And this segment of the promo fades to a black screen. The final scene of the promo then fades in and we are back where we started, with ICE Beckman leaning against the ladder at the TV studio with the grey backdrop.)
ICE: Well there you have it, a true investigation into the ladder. Yes we took a few stops in Crazy Town and Been There Beat That City along the way, but on our journey we truly got to the heart and soul of the ladder. We know that it can be an instrument of help and an instrument of pain. We know that is can be the source for funny crotch shots and tearful strikes to the eyes. We know that it can be as fun as a game when you win and as annoying a creepy wingman friend when you are trying to pick up a girl. But the one thing that has stayed constant through this whole journey is the knowledge that I am the best wrestler going into this match and I will be the best wrestler coming out of this match. As for my opponents, some of you will get the pleasure of feeling a defeat to ICE for the first time and the joy of knowing you were able to one day tell your grandkids that you wrestled the best...as for others you will just feel the repeated sensation of knowing you have been blessed by being in the frozen era of the ICE AGE and while some things never change, it is still a damn good time to be associated with the WCF. Until next time WCF, let the wind blow cold and the frost grow strong...for the power of the ICE AGE is all around you all.
(Natural ICE Beckman picks up a beer of the ladder’s step and begins to chug it as he walks off camera and the entire promo comes to an end with fading in darkness.)
And further proof I am destined for ownership of Whoop Ass Beer...for I know how to advertise...
The Ladder