Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2008 0:07:08 GMT -5
Date: Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
Time: 9:34 PM EST
Location: Hammerstein Ballroom, New York
[[The stage has been set. The Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan Center is lavished in a classic decor. The red carpet, crystal chandelier and silk linens project a glamorous yet tasteful image. Hundreds of political and social leaders, entertainers, athletes and other celebrities are seated with their families at dining tables. The local, national and international press eagerly anticipates the arrival of the Man of the Hour. In mere moments WCF superstar Bobby Cairo is expected to announce his presidential endorsement. As Cairo pulls his vintage 1972 Cadillac Eldorado into the parking lane in front of the Hammerstein, the media clamors, scrambling to get a photo of the wrestling star and burgeoning political activist.
Cairo steps out of the car, holding his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the many flashbulbs. Cairo casually greets the reporters with "Hi, how ya doin?" as he brushes past them on his way to the Ballroom. After meeting and greeting the organizers of the event, his close associates Nick Katsopolis and Bolts Quackenbush, Cairo makes his way to the stage. Cairo is introduced to the audience by dear friend and baseball legend, Ken Griffey Jr. The audience members rise to their feet and give Cairo a standing ovation as he approaches the podium. Cairo clears his throat and taps the microphone before speaking.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you all for that wonderful welcome. I know this is a busy time of year for everybody and I want to thank you all for attending tonight's dinner. Some of you are still hungover from the New Year's festivities, so thank you to those people especially for dragging yourselves down here."
[[The crowd laughs and applauds.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'm also pleased to see that the media has broken away from their wall-to-wall coverage of the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy controversy, at least long enough to cover my announcement."
[[More laughter from the crowd, and a few catcalls.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I don't want to waste time with some long-winded monologue, so I'm going to get straight to the heart of the matter. As you all know, I've searched low, high and every which way in my attempt to find the perfect presidential candidate. When the smoke cleared and I completed my search, one candidate stood tall above all others. That's why tonight I join Chuck Norris and Ric Flair in endorsing former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee for President."
[[Enthusiastic applause from some; polite applause from others.]]
Bobby Cairo: "My decision to support Governor Huckabee was an easy one. When I examined the candidates I looked for integrity, character, leadership ability and true conservative values. I briefly considered supporting Mike Gravel--"
[[Scattered laughter from the few audience members who know who Mike Gravel is.]]
Bobby Cairo: "But at the end of the day I was most impressed by Governor Huckabee's vision for America. On Monday, Governor Huckabee caught a great deal of flak for his decision to scrap an attack ad directed against Mitt Romney. Huckabee opted instead to focus on the real issues. It shows how perverted our media is when they decide to attack a candidate for making such an admirable decision. That's why in going public with my endorsement of Governor Huckabee I hope to rise above the muckraking of the liberally biased mainstream media. I feel that it's important for somebody in a position of power and influence such as myself to use that power and influence for the cause of good. I could have sat back and bit my tongue while those morally bankrupt Neo-Cons at the Fox News Network carried their boy Romney to the Republican nomination. I could have done that, but in doing so I would be degrading myself and disappointing so many millions of disenfranchised Americans who look toward me for guidance."
[[Mostly applause with some scattered boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'd like to take a few minutes to discuss why I'm supporting Mike Huckabee for president. First and foremost, Mike Huckabee stands for true fiscal responsibility. During his three terms as governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee created a surplus in the state budget by cutting taxes and eliminating wasteful government spending. Anybody who's been paying attention to the wasteful spending practices of the Bush administration knows that Bush and his Neo-Con cronies in Congress have wasted more money than Seth Lerch at a Turkish bathhouse."
[[Uproarious laughter from the entire audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "It's also no secret that we're veering closer and closer to our first economic recession since the Clinton downturn at the turn of the decade. That's why it's vitally important for us to elect a president who will make balancing the budget and reducing the national deficit among his foremost priorities. Additionally, Governor Huckabee has proposed important changes to our current disastrous free trade policies, changes that would make trade fair for America. The trade policies of the Bush administration and the two previous administrations have caused millions of jobs to be outsourced, while the trade deficit has increased and the dollar has been devalued. Meanwhile, inflation rates have increased, including energy costs that have risen to record highs. Governor Huckabee's protectionist policies will keep jobs in America, while restoring our once proud industries and easing the burden on consumers."
[[Again, mostly applause with some scattered boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "It's a national tragedy that the American working class has been effectively marginalized by corporate interests and big government. Governor Huckabee represents a change from this downright anti-American practice. Personally, I care deeply about American workers; without them we do not have an economy in this country. Indeed, without the American worker we do not have American industry. That's why I've never used foreign labor for any of my construction companies. That's also why I've always ensured that all of my employees receive full healthcare benefits for themselves and their families; as well as fair compensation for an honest day's work. I'm proud to support Mike Huckabee because he's a candidate who shares my philosophy of creating jobs for Americans and making life better for all working men and women.
For too long in America corporate interests have controlled a cartel of industry. Corporations such as Wal-Mart and Nike use Chinese sweatshop labor to manufacture goods, then sell those goods in the American marketplace for a tidy profit. This practice not only undercuts American manufacturers, but also in many instances it floods the market with inferior and potentially dangerous products. There have been countless recalls of children's toys manufactured in China that contain lead paint. It's also commonplace for produce such as fish imported from China to be infected with E. Coli, salmonella and other deadly viruses. And let's not forget that whole SARS outbreak a few years back. That shit ain't too good either. By the way, these corporations that use cheap foreign labor are the same corporations that pay their employees slave wages and refuse to grant their employees basic healthcare benefits. Of course you can get away with that sort of thing when you hire non-union labor."
[[Loud applause from the entire audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I've heard several high-profile politicians, including Senator Barack Obama, criticize Wal-Mart and other companies for their deplorable employment practices. Unfortunately, their moral indignation rings hollow. Senator Obama's wife was a board member of the Wal-Mart Corporation. She only resigned her position after the Senator's comments presented an embarrassing conflict of interest. Senator Obama is certainly not the only hypocrite on the issue of fair trade and employment practices. Governor Romney supports our current trade agreement with China. In fact Romney believes that we should increase trade with China because - in his words - "China is a burgeoning economic powerhouse."
Well, Mr. Romney, it's easy to have a burgeoning economy when you don't have things like human rights, worker's unions and what's that other thing called? Oh yes, democracy. You see when you treat human beings like resources it becomes very easy to sustain a powerhouse of an economic sector. You know something, folks? The more Romney speaks the more he sounds like a Red, and by that I mean he prefers a hammer and sickle to a hamburger. Tell me, Romney, what skeletons do you have in your closet? Maybe you have your own little Chinese connection like Al Gore and the Clintons? It wouldn't surprise me, after all you're in bed with the Mexicans, why not the Chinese? Yeah I'll trust you to run the economy, Romney... over my dead body!"
[]
Bobby Cairo: "Ross Perot was talking about the evils of free trade back in '92, but did Bush and Clinton care? Of course not, they stomped the floor and howled in laughter as our once thriving industries collapsed in the blink of an eye. What do a bunch of corrupt politicians care about the working class? When the crooked politician looks at the world from his or her proverbial Ferris wheel carriage, the disenfranchised American worker appears as nothing more than a moving dot. If I offered George W. Bush twenty thousand dollars for every dot that stopped, would he tell me to keep my money, or would he calculate how many dots he could afford to spare? Unfortunately, we've already discovered the grisly response to that proposition. Don't believe the hype, my friends. Free trade is nothing more than an elitist, aristocratic corporate agenda disguised as free enterprise."
[[Slightly more boos than cheers from the audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Sadly, we're living in an era where being American is no longer something to be proud of. Degenerate perverts have succeeded in destroying our once noble society. As we speak, socialist schoolteachers are poisoning the minds of our nation's children. Additionally, the homosexual agenda has taken centerstage, fracturing the foundation of the American family and granting refuge to society's worst deviants. Is this what my great grandfather fought for in that war against the Krauts? I think not! We must protect the sanctity of traditional family values. If you enjoy watching videos of girls playing with each other's boobs and sucking each other's toes while in the privacy of your own home, there's nothing wrong with that. That's great stuff! The problem is that the homosexual agenda has now become a patron cause of the liberal crusaders. We must stamp this shit out before it spreads any further!"
[[Mostly negative reaction from the crowd.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Another issue that is very near and dear to my heart is the pro-life agenda. I believe whole-heartedly in the preservation of human life, regardless of its stage of development. A fetus or an embryo has the same right to be protected that you and I have. I believe that Mike Huckabee is the only candidate who stands for a true pro-life agenda. I look at Hollywood and I see all of these so-called social activists. I see abortionists and I see supporters of stem cell research. Let me say this to those individuals: If Michael J. Fox wants to destroy human embryos to make himself happy and healthy, well then Michael J. Fox can get in his time machine and take a trip to Nazi Germany.
We don't disregard human life in America; we treat all human life with the dignity and respect that it deserves. I see a lot of so-called conservatives who proclaim themselves as "pro-life", but when we take a good hard look at their track record, we see a great deal of contradiction. Let's take former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney as an example of this pro-life hypocrisy. Romney claims to be adamantly opposed to abortion, yet the fact remains that Romney's wife has been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Rudy Giuliani is another hypocrite. It's not so much that Giuliani claims to be pro-life, but he does pretend to be a conservative. Tell me, how many conservatives do you know who support federal funding for abortions and stem cell research? Not only is such a practice fiscally irresponsible, but it's also an abomination in the eyes of God. We shouldn't be doing it, it's wrong, it's murder most foul."
[[Mixed reaction from the crowd; some derogatory chants directed toward Cairo.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'd like to stand here and stay that I will not attack a fellow Republican, but I can't bite my tongue. When I smell bullshit, I scream bloody bullshit. I've spent some time here attacking Romney. I've attacked Giuliani. You know my biggest problem with Giuliani? He's a typical New York liberal who pretends to be a Republican. He supports grotesque liberal spending, he supports a liberal social agenda - including gun control, by the way - and he hides behind the shield of an aggressive foreign policy. Standing on the sidelines and screaming for war does not make you a conservative, it's make you an absolute fool. Giuliani is nothing more than a two-faced, wop, con man, which is typical of Italians."
[[Loud boos from most of the audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Let's talk about unfair taxation. In America, there is a conspiracy against the working class. We're not just talking about income tax, though that is an important topic because the federal income tax should be abolished. Right now we're talking about politicians raising taxes on everything from alcohol and cigarettes to gasoline and snow tires. Children can't even get ice cream for dessert because their parents cannot afford to pay the ice cream tax. Not that you would want to eat ice cream at this time of year, but isn't that the point? It's a question of the standard of living in America. We are the most impoverished nation in the industrialized world. Politicians try to cover that fact up with contrived statistics, but the fact remains that the average American cannot afford vital needs such as food, shelter and medical coverage. They have to sacrifice in order to survive. Politicians on both sides of the aisle look at these unfortunate souls, which comprises most Americans, and they laugh. They laugh the laugh of the Devil himself.
What is the solution to these problems? First of all, we should support politicians who are working to eliminate unfair taxation and reform the federal government. We should also get involved in our communities at a civic level. This means volunteering time and / or resources to help others in need. My group, The Sound Of Crickets, has been very active in giving back to the community. We just held a Christmas toy drive for underprivileged children in cooperation with FAO Schwarz. I've also created the Robert Heathcliff Cairo Memorial Scholarship Fund, so that children who need financial assistance will be able to get a college education. Obviously most people do not have my resources, but you can make vital contributions by volunteering for a wide variety of community services. You can volunteer to be a big brother or sister. You can volunteer to work at a soup kitchen. You can donate food or clothes. There are so many things that we can do to help our fellow Americans. I hear people all the time talking about how we should give to Africa and all these other third world shitholes. I say that we should give to America first! Let's fix America and then we can worry about saving the pygmies or whatever the hell in Darfur."
[]
Bobby Cairo: "Now we've got these Libertarians trying to overrun the Republican Party. The Patriot Act? Drug and prostitution laws? Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Just ask Ron Paul and he'll tell you that those are all egregious violations of the Constitution. So what exactly does Ron Paul support? Well, it seems to me that Congressman Paul and his Libertarian buddies would be happier if America were relegated to a perpetual state of anarchy. I've got a message for Ron Paul and his supporters: Common sense does not encroach upon the Constitution. Evidently common sense also does not enter your thought process. If people want to wig out in their underpants on a public street corner while dropping acid and firing a machine gun, somehow that does not strike me as the intent of our founding fathers. The only thing that candidate Paul offers is the sanctimonious and self-righteous indignation of a wrinkly-faced hyena."
[[Laughter and applause from most of the audience, but once again some very audible boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "What we're seeing in the world today is the return of the Red Menace, as redefined by Islamofascists. We must secure our borders and our ports. We must do so for a litany of reasons. We must prevent lazy Mexicans and Canadians - yes, Canadians - from penetrating our borders. We must also prevent these illegitimate raghead extremists from carrying out further acts of terror on American soil. Now you get a raghead to stand up face to face with a real American man like myself and he'll start shaking like a French soldier. The trouble is that these ragheads are much smarter than they look, and every bit as devious. We will fight this extremist menace, but we will do so under the advisement of our trained and dedicated military commanders. We will not listen to politicians who attempt to mislead us, whether they be Neo-Con assholes like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney, or Neo-Liberal assholes like Harry Reid and Dick Durbin."
[[Another muted response from the crowd.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I don't want to come across as being anti-Islam, because I'm not. Zionists, must like the ragheads, have contributed to a culture of terror. Israel has launched countless attacks against innocent civilians, and the American government has supported these acts. Not only have we supported Israel from a diplomatic standpoint, but also we've supplied Israel with the munitions that they've utilized to launch these attacks. America's support of Israel is akin to Iran's support of Hezbollah and Afghanistan’s support of Al Qaeda prior to 9/11. We're supporting terrorism. That's not something that the average American wants to hear, but it's the truth. We've been brainwashed into believing that the Israelis are the good guys and the ragheads are the bad guys. The truth is that they're all bad guys and so are we for supporting any of them."
[[The audience sits in hushed silence.]]
Bobby Cairo: "As we approach the Iowa caucuses two days from now, I find myself in a very ironic position. My opponent this Sunday at the WCF Classic is an Iowa native. He's also the most recent WCF World Champion. For those who are unfamiliar, the WCF World Title is the most prestigious prize in all of wrestling. Winning it is the wrestling equivalent to winning the presidential election. My opponent, despite hailing from Iowa, isn't really the political type. He's too busy being an extreme, hardcore, ultra-cool, kung fu, tough guy to care about politics. Creeping Death, as I crack my knuckles I think about the many ways that I shall dissect you in the ring on Sunday. You have a beef with Seth Lerch and Logan? Maybe you even have a beef with mommy and daddy? I don't give a fuck. I have a beef with anybody who stands between the WCF World Title and me. I care about the state of the union, but I also care about being the best at what I do. What I do IS what I do. What you do is irrelevant to me. I don't rise for you; I load my gun and I blow you away! You smell me, cousin?"
[[Some scattered laughter and applause, but mostly silence from the audience. Cairo steps away from the podium and takes off his blazer. He unbuttons his shirt to reveal a t-shirt that reads I Heart Huckabee! Cairo turns around to show that the rear of the shirt reads Fuck "Mutt" Romney! The crowd gasps.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Vote Hucka-Boom, baby! Ha-ha-ha-ha! My homeboy Roscoe made this for me. He's so cool. Well, that's all, folks. Thank you all once again for attending and I'll see you this Sunday live from Allegheny, PA. Peace! We out!"
[[Cairo attempts to flash some sort of hip-hop hand gestures, but the disgusted crowd ignores him and quickly files out of the Ballroom. Cairo doesn't understand their reaction, but he simply shrugs his shoulders and walks backstage. Ed Koch, former Mayor of New York City, waddles over to Cairo.]]
Ed Koch: "What the hell are you thinking, Cairo?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hey, aren't you the guy from People's Court? Ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm just kidding, Eddie. How's it going, man? You look good, what are you pushing eighty?"
Ed Koch: "That was the most hateful, tasteless and offensive spectacle that I have ever witnessed! You're a disgrace to New York politics! I'll see you jailed for this!"
[[Cairo has a confused look on his face.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Are you talking about my speech? Oh wait, I get it. You're a Zionist and homosexual activist and you took offense to some of my remarks, is that it? You don't intimidate me, Koch. I will not censor myself for you or anyone else. I speak the truth and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass!"
Ed Koch: "Come on, you son of a bitch!"
[[Koch and Cairo are held apart from blows by the security staff.]]
Bobby Cairo: "You don't get me! You don't get me and you never will, Koch!"
Time: 9:34 PM EST
Location: Hammerstein Ballroom, New York
[[The stage has been set. The Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan Center is lavished in a classic decor. The red carpet, crystal chandelier and silk linens project a glamorous yet tasteful image. Hundreds of political and social leaders, entertainers, athletes and other celebrities are seated with their families at dining tables. The local, national and international press eagerly anticipates the arrival of the Man of the Hour. In mere moments WCF superstar Bobby Cairo is expected to announce his presidential endorsement. As Cairo pulls his vintage 1972 Cadillac Eldorado into the parking lane in front of the Hammerstein, the media clamors, scrambling to get a photo of the wrestling star and burgeoning political activist.
Cairo steps out of the car, holding his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the many flashbulbs. Cairo casually greets the reporters with "Hi, how ya doin?" as he brushes past them on his way to the Ballroom. After meeting and greeting the organizers of the event, his close associates Nick Katsopolis and Bolts Quackenbush, Cairo makes his way to the stage. Cairo is introduced to the audience by dear friend and baseball legend, Ken Griffey Jr. The audience members rise to their feet and give Cairo a standing ovation as he approaches the podium. Cairo clears his throat and taps the microphone before speaking.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you all for that wonderful welcome. I know this is a busy time of year for everybody and I want to thank you all for attending tonight's dinner. Some of you are still hungover from the New Year's festivities, so thank you to those people especially for dragging yourselves down here."
[[The crowd laughs and applauds.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'm also pleased to see that the media has broken away from their wall-to-wall coverage of the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy controversy, at least long enough to cover my announcement."
[[More laughter from the crowd, and a few catcalls.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I don't want to waste time with some long-winded monologue, so I'm going to get straight to the heart of the matter. As you all know, I've searched low, high and every which way in my attempt to find the perfect presidential candidate. When the smoke cleared and I completed my search, one candidate stood tall above all others. That's why tonight I join Chuck Norris and Ric Flair in endorsing former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee for President."
[[Enthusiastic applause from some; polite applause from others.]]
Bobby Cairo: "My decision to support Governor Huckabee was an easy one. When I examined the candidates I looked for integrity, character, leadership ability and true conservative values. I briefly considered supporting Mike Gravel--"
[[Scattered laughter from the few audience members who know who Mike Gravel is.]]
Bobby Cairo: "But at the end of the day I was most impressed by Governor Huckabee's vision for America. On Monday, Governor Huckabee caught a great deal of flak for his decision to scrap an attack ad directed against Mitt Romney. Huckabee opted instead to focus on the real issues. It shows how perverted our media is when they decide to attack a candidate for making such an admirable decision. That's why in going public with my endorsement of Governor Huckabee I hope to rise above the muckraking of the liberally biased mainstream media. I feel that it's important for somebody in a position of power and influence such as myself to use that power and influence for the cause of good. I could have sat back and bit my tongue while those morally bankrupt Neo-Cons at the Fox News Network carried their boy Romney to the Republican nomination. I could have done that, but in doing so I would be degrading myself and disappointing so many millions of disenfranchised Americans who look toward me for guidance."
[[Mostly applause with some scattered boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'd like to take a few minutes to discuss why I'm supporting Mike Huckabee for president. First and foremost, Mike Huckabee stands for true fiscal responsibility. During his three terms as governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee created a surplus in the state budget by cutting taxes and eliminating wasteful government spending. Anybody who's been paying attention to the wasteful spending practices of the Bush administration knows that Bush and his Neo-Con cronies in Congress have wasted more money than Seth Lerch at a Turkish bathhouse."
[[Uproarious laughter from the entire audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "It's also no secret that we're veering closer and closer to our first economic recession since the Clinton downturn at the turn of the decade. That's why it's vitally important for us to elect a president who will make balancing the budget and reducing the national deficit among his foremost priorities. Additionally, Governor Huckabee has proposed important changes to our current disastrous free trade policies, changes that would make trade fair for America. The trade policies of the Bush administration and the two previous administrations have caused millions of jobs to be outsourced, while the trade deficit has increased and the dollar has been devalued. Meanwhile, inflation rates have increased, including energy costs that have risen to record highs. Governor Huckabee's protectionist policies will keep jobs in America, while restoring our once proud industries and easing the burden on consumers."
[[Again, mostly applause with some scattered boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "It's a national tragedy that the American working class has been effectively marginalized by corporate interests and big government. Governor Huckabee represents a change from this downright anti-American practice. Personally, I care deeply about American workers; without them we do not have an economy in this country. Indeed, without the American worker we do not have American industry. That's why I've never used foreign labor for any of my construction companies. That's also why I've always ensured that all of my employees receive full healthcare benefits for themselves and their families; as well as fair compensation for an honest day's work. I'm proud to support Mike Huckabee because he's a candidate who shares my philosophy of creating jobs for Americans and making life better for all working men and women.
For too long in America corporate interests have controlled a cartel of industry. Corporations such as Wal-Mart and Nike use Chinese sweatshop labor to manufacture goods, then sell those goods in the American marketplace for a tidy profit. This practice not only undercuts American manufacturers, but also in many instances it floods the market with inferior and potentially dangerous products. There have been countless recalls of children's toys manufactured in China that contain lead paint. It's also commonplace for produce such as fish imported from China to be infected with E. Coli, salmonella and other deadly viruses. And let's not forget that whole SARS outbreak a few years back. That shit ain't too good either. By the way, these corporations that use cheap foreign labor are the same corporations that pay their employees slave wages and refuse to grant their employees basic healthcare benefits. Of course you can get away with that sort of thing when you hire non-union labor."
[[Loud applause from the entire audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I've heard several high-profile politicians, including Senator Barack Obama, criticize Wal-Mart and other companies for their deplorable employment practices. Unfortunately, their moral indignation rings hollow. Senator Obama's wife was a board member of the Wal-Mart Corporation. She only resigned her position after the Senator's comments presented an embarrassing conflict of interest. Senator Obama is certainly not the only hypocrite on the issue of fair trade and employment practices. Governor Romney supports our current trade agreement with China. In fact Romney believes that we should increase trade with China because - in his words - "China is a burgeoning economic powerhouse."
Well, Mr. Romney, it's easy to have a burgeoning economy when you don't have things like human rights, worker's unions and what's that other thing called? Oh yes, democracy. You see when you treat human beings like resources it becomes very easy to sustain a powerhouse of an economic sector. You know something, folks? The more Romney speaks the more he sounds like a Red, and by that I mean he prefers a hammer and sickle to a hamburger. Tell me, Romney, what skeletons do you have in your closet? Maybe you have your own little Chinese connection like Al Gore and the Clintons? It wouldn't surprise me, after all you're in bed with the Mexicans, why not the Chinese? Yeah I'll trust you to run the economy, Romney... over my dead body!"
[]
Bobby Cairo: "Ross Perot was talking about the evils of free trade back in '92, but did Bush and Clinton care? Of course not, they stomped the floor and howled in laughter as our once thriving industries collapsed in the blink of an eye. What do a bunch of corrupt politicians care about the working class? When the crooked politician looks at the world from his or her proverbial Ferris wheel carriage, the disenfranchised American worker appears as nothing more than a moving dot. If I offered George W. Bush twenty thousand dollars for every dot that stopped, would he tell me to keep my money, or would he calculate how many dots he could afford to spare? Unfortunately, we've already discovered the grisly response to that proposition. Don't believe the hype, my friends. Free trade is nothing more than an elitist, aristocratic corporate agenda disguised as free enterprise."
[[Slightly more boos than cheers from the audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Sadly, we're living in an era where being American is no longer something to be proud of. Degenerate perverts have succeeded in destroying our once noble society. As we speak, socialist schoolteachers are poisoning the minds of our nation's children. Additionally, the homosexual agenda has taken centerstage, fracturing the foundation of the American family and granting refuge to society's worst deviants. Is this what my great grandfather fought for in that war against the Krauts? I think not! We must protect the sanctity of traditional family values. If you enjoy watching videos of girls playing with each other's boobs and sucking each other's toes while in the privacy of your own home, there's nothing wrong with that. That's great stuff! The problem is that the homosexual agenda has now become a patron cause of the liberal crusaders. We must stamp this shit out before it spreads any further!"
[[Mostly negative reaction from the crowd.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Another issue that is very near and dear to my heart is the pro-life agenda. I believe whole-heartedly in the preservation of human life, regardless of its stage of development. A fetus or an embryo has the same right to be protected that you and I have. I believe that Mike Huckabee is the only candidate who stands for a true pro-life agenda. I look at Hollywood and I see all of these so-called social activists. I see abortionists and I see supporters of stem cell research. Let me say this to those individuals: If Michael J. Fox wants to destroy human embryos to make himself happy and healthy, well then Michael J. Fox can get in his time machine and take a trip to Nazi Germany.
We don't disregard human life in America; we treat all human life with the dignity and respect that it deserves. I see a lot of so-called conservatives who proclaim themselves as "pro-life", but when we take a good hard look at their track record, we see a great deal of contradiction. Let's take former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney as an example of this pro-life hypocrisy. Romney claims to be adamantly opposed to abortion, yet the fact remains that Romney's wife has been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle. Rudy Giuliani is another hypocrite. It's not so much that Giuliani claims to be pro-life, but he does pretend to be a conservative. Tell me, how many conservatives do you know who support federal funding for abortions and stem cell research? Not only is such a practice fiscally irresponsible, but it's also an abomination in the eyes of God. We shouldn't be doing it, it's wrong, it's murder most foul."
[[Mixed reaction from the crowd; some derogatory chants directed toward Cairo.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I'd like to stand here and stay that I will not attack a fellow Republican, but I can't bite my tongue. When I smell bullshit, I scream bloody bullshit. I've spent some time here attacking Romney. I've attacked Giuliani. You know my biggest problem with Giuliani? He's a typical New York liberal who pretends to be a Republican. He supports grotesque liberal spending, he supports a liberal social agenda - including gun control, by the way - and he hides behind the shield of an aggressive foreign policy. Standing on the sidelines and screaming for war does not make you a conservative, it's make you an absolute fool. Giuliani is nothing more than a two-faced, wop, con man, which is typical of Italians."
[[Loud boos from most of the audience.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Let's talk about unfair taxation. In America, there is a conspiracy against the working class. We're not just talking about income tax, though that is an important topic because the federal income tax should be abolished. Right now we're talking about politicians raising taxes on everything from alcohol and cigarettes to gasoline and snow tires. Children can't even get ice cream for dessert because their parents cannot afford to pay the ice cream tax. Not that you would want to eat ice cream at this time of year, but isn't that the point? It's a question of the standard of living in America. We are the most impoverished nation in the industrialized world. Politicians try to cover that fact up with contrived statistics, but the fact remains that the average American cannot afford vital needs such as food, shelter and medical coverage. They have to sacrifice in order to survive. Politicians on both sides of the aisle look at these unfortunate souls, which comprises most Americans, and they laugh. They laugh the laugh of the Devil himself.
What is the solution to these problems? First of all, we should support politicians who are working to eliminate unfair taxation and reform the federal government. We should also get involved in our communities at a civic level. This means volunteering time and / or resources to help others in need. My group, The Sound Of Crickets, has been very active in giving back to the community. We just held a Christmas toy drive for underprivileged children in cooperation with FAO Schwarz. I've also created the Robert Heathcliff Cairo Memorial Scholarship Fund, so that children who need financial assistance will be able to get a college education. Obviously most people do not have my resources, but you can make vital contributions by volunteering for a wide variety of community services. You can volunteer to be a big brother or sister. You can volunteer to work at a soup kitchen. You can donate food or clothes. There are so many things that we can do to help our fellow Americans. I hear people all the time talking about how we should give to Africa and all these other third world shitholes. I say that we should give to America first! Let's fix America and then we can worry about saving the pygmies or whatever the hell in Darfur."
[]
Bobby Cairo: "Now we've got these Libertarians trying to overrun the Republican Party. The Patriot Act? Drug and prostitution laws? Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Just ask Ron Paul and he'll tell you that those are all egregious violations of the Constitution. So what exactly does Ron Paul support? Well, it seems to me that Congressman Paul and his Libertarian buddies would be happier if America were relegated to a perpetual state of anarchy. I've got a message for Ron Paul and his supporters: Common sense does not encroach upon the Constitution. Evidently common sense also does not enter your thought process. If people want to wig out in their underpants on a public street corner while dropping acid and firing a machine gun, somehow that does not strike me as the intent of our founding fathers. The only thing that candidate Paul offers is the sanctimonious and self-righteous indignation of a wrinkly-faced hyena."
[[Laughter and applause from most of the audience, but once again some very audible boos.]]
Bobby Cairo: "What we're seeing in the world today is the return of the Red Menace, as redefined by Islamofascists. We must secure our borders and our ports. We must do so for a litany of reasons. We must prevent lazy Mexicans and Canadians - yes, Canadians - from penetrating our borders. We must also prevent these illegitimate raghead extremists from carrying out further acts of terror on American soil. Now you get a raghead to stand up face to face with a real American man like myself and he'll start shaking like a French soldier. The trouble is that these ragheads are much smarter than they look, and every bit as devious. We will fight this extremist menace, but we will do so under the advisement of our trained and dedicated military commanders. We will not listen to politicians who attempt to mislead us, whether they be Neo-Con assholes like Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney, or Neo-Liberal assholes like Harry Reid and Dick Durbin."
[[Another muted response from the crowd.]]
Bobby Cairo: "I don't want to come across as being anti-Islam, because I'm not. Zionists, must like the ragheads, have contributed to a culture of terror. Israel has launched countless attacks against innocent civilians, and the American government has supported these acts. Not only have we supported Israel from a diplomatic standpoint, but also we've supplied Israel with the munitions that they've utilized to launch these attacks. America's support of Israel is akin to Iran's support of Hezbollah and Afghanistan’s support of Al Qaeda prior to 9/11. We're supporting terrorism. That's not something that the average American wants to hear, but it's the truth. We've been brainwashed into believing that the Israelis are the good guys and the ragheads are the bad guys. The truth is that they're all bad guys and so are we for supporting any of them."
[[The audience sits in hushed silence.]]
Bobby Cairo: "As we approach the Iowa caucuses two days from now, I find myself in a very ironic position. My opponent this Sunday at the WCF Classic is an Iowa native. He's also the most recent WCF World Champion. For those who are unfamiliar, the WCF World Title is the most prestigious prize in all of wrestling. Winning it is the wrestling equivalent to winning the presidential election. My opponent, despite hailing from Iowa, isn't really the political type. He's too busy being an extreme, hardcore, ultra-cool, kung fu, tough guy to care about politics. Creeping Death, as I crack my knuckles I think about the many ways that I shall dissect you in the ring on Sunday. You have a beef with Seth Lerch and Logan? Maybe you even have a beef with mommy and daddy? I don't give a fuck. I have a beef with anybody who stands between the WCF World Title and me. I care about the state of the union, but I also care about being the best at what I do. What I do IS what I do. What you do is irrelevant to me. I don't rise for you; I load my gun and I blow you away! You smell me, cousin?"
[[Some scattered laughter and applause, but mostly silence from the audience. Cairo steps away from the podium and takes off his blazer. He unbuttons his shirt to reveal a t-shirt that reads I Heart Huckabee! Cairo turns around to show that the rear of the shirt reads Fuck "Mutt" Romney! The crowd gasps.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Vote Hucka-Boom, baby! Ha-ha-ha-ha! My homeboy Roscoe made this for me. He's so cool. Well, that's all, folks. Thank you all once again for attending and I'll see you this Sunday live from Allegheny, PA. Peace! We out!"
[[Cairo attempts to flash some sort of hip-hop hand gestures, but the disgusted crowd ignores him and quickly files out of the Ballroom. Cairo doesn't understand their reaction, but he simply shrugs his shoulders and walks backstage. Ed Koch, former Mayor of New York City, waddles over to Cairo.]]
Ed Koch: "What the hell are you thinking, Cairo?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hey, aren't you the guy from People's Court? Ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm just kidding, Eddie. How's it going, man? You look good, what are you pushing eighty?"
Ed Koch: "That was the most hateful, tasteless and offensive spectacle that I have ever witnessed! You're a disgrace to New York politics! I'll see you jailed for this!"
[[Cairo has a confused look on his face.]]
Bobby Cairo: "Are you talking about my speech? Oh wait, I get it. You're a Zionist and homosexual activist and you took offense to some of my remarks, is that it? You don't intimidate me, Koch. I will not censor myself for you or anyone else. I speak the truth and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass!"
Ed Koch: "Come on, you son of a bitch!"
[[Koch and Cairo are held apart from blows by the security staff.]]
Bobby Cairo: "You don't get me! You don't get me and you never will, Koch!"
