Over and Over again.
Jun 22, 2014 3:56:17 GMT -5
Terry Roberts and "The Black Dragon" Alex Jones like this
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2014 3:56:17 GMT -5
“ANA WAIT”
I stop and turn, my eyes roam over his form and the overwhelming sadness I feel within me takes over my face, I can’t hide it any more... I am done pretending, it hurts. You try to do the right thing, you try to protect the people you love and in doing so... You trample all over them and yourself in the process.
I stare at him, waiting, he called me... He chased me here into the street, screamed my name so others turned to look, more witnesses to the awful way I treat him – The way I play him, that’s what they all think right? Big bad Ana stringing along the nice guy who only wanted to lo-
His hand is on my neck... His lips touch mine and for a moment, I kiss him back, I let it all melt away and I just fall into him – this is it, this is everything and this is... WRONG. My hands press against his chest and I wrestle him off, forcing him to release me as my hand collides with his cheek.
His head snaps to the side, I can’t see him anymore, just the red of anger and blue of pain, of sadness and I just want to wallow in it – no more, I can’t take it... Everyone is looking, how dare he put me on show, how dare he make a mockery of what I feel, how dare he not see, how dare he...
“Fine….if that’s how it’s going to be…”
He turns away and I try to catch my breath, I can’t understand the anger. The outrage at circumstance and my mind clouds over, all I can see, all I can feel is the touch of his lips on mine, that taste, the taste that lingered in my dreams is back upon my lips and when I open my eyes, he is already walking away, almost lost to the crowds...
“Alex... Please...” He can’t hear me, my voice rises as he disappears deeper into the crowd “I’M SORRY”
He doesn’t look back, doesn’t turn his head... I was right, he doesn’t care... Just another game... That’s all I am to him that is all I will ever be.
Here we are, the same people, nothing changes... It’s all the same routine, the same stories, revolving on repeat. Am I really anything more than I was before? OR am I still a stupid little girl trying to play monster... desperately seeking the numbness that once overtook me. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? Not to feel, to shut it off. Here little monster, I’ll open my jaw and you can settle inside, freeze my heart and give the devil my soul, I have no use for these worldly things any more... I was once a candle with a flame that burned bright, like hope, like promise. That light was extinguished and now...? Now I take good souls, I consume the light of others so that they must rest here, in the darkness, with me.
But not him, no please, spare him... I will give you another... I will feed you all the souls that you desire; I will cultivate and love you. I will soothe the groans and pains as you grow inside me, you can have me, all of me, every single piece of me – just let him be.
So I will go back, I will be what they created me to be. I will close it off, swallow down the emotions and the tears, don’t feel... Conceal. Hold it all inside until it eats away and I become bitter and broken... It’s what they want, all of them, the demons inside and out... The monsters that live in my head and the monsters that refuse to concede my existence... I will focus and I will scratch... I will claw and I will take and then, when it is done, when I can finally put it to rest...
Maybe then... I can love him.
Ineffectual... Inconsequential.. We covered this last week, didn’t we Terry? But apparently, you didn’t get t message, too busy playing Doctor/Patient to pay attention to your opponents... Too arrogant in your own self believed stature, that you thought you could just show up and win it huh?
Arrogant, so fucking arrogant for someone who has done nothing, achieved nothing... n my absence you have become what Terry? Another faceless member of an unmoving surf... Another piece of nothing building itself up to fail, to fall.
Have you taken a stand? Have you taken what you no doubt believe to be yours? No... You have sat back, you have fallen into pattern, routine... Fear? There is no fear with your name, no awe... No stunned silence or worry of a defeat... There is just you, pointless... Futile... Flaccid.
Will you Dane to raise your head this week? Will you man up and try to intimidate me? Talk of a time when you meant something to someone... When you were feared, when you were a competitor, when you were anything more than background noise?
Do you think you’re above it? That you do not need to answer to me, or anyone else? Do you think yourself so important that your very name speaks for itself? You proved last week, that you are indeed nothing... And you will say what? We both lost.
Wrong. You lie there, flat on your back and YOU lost... You scratched and you clawed and when it came down to it... You were the weak point, the failure... I may not have taken the pin, I may have stalled on you... Being forced to again prove my superiority...
But I will not linger, you are a footnote, a sidestep from my one true path and you, Terry Roberts, are not the man to hold me from that path, you are not the one to distract me from my goals... This for you is about a title, a shot at a shiny piece of tin to wrap around your waist.
A chance to win something that you can wave about and scream, see I am worth something! Me? I couldn’t give a damn what title shot is on the line... No leather strap and pretty face plate will be enough to placate me... No title, no belt, no victory will be enough.
It is never enough, until you suffer, until they all suffer... It will not be complete, I will not be done... Until the screams of my foes, the screams of the fallen, are a litany, a chorus of beautiful vengeance. And when your blood is spilled, when your body gives out and you beg, you plead, you pray for it to stop... Remember who is to blame for your pain...
Remember what they did to cause this – Never. Ever. Forget.
I am back in the apartment now... The echoes of our argument reverberate off the walls... It is cold, empty. I throw myself down on the couch and turn my head to the side, a red tendril slips from the messy ponytail on my head and his hand reaches out, it brushes it from my face and tucks it behind my ear.
I smile, the smile doesn’t touch my eyes, but he doesn’t notice, he doesn’t care to. No words pass between us, there is nothing to say, not after all this time.... Not after all we have seen, all we have done to one another. His hand lingers on my cheek and the warmth is inviting. I can feel him...
And it, his lust for me, I feel it pound through him lie the blood in his veins. His body is electric with it. I rest a hand on his chest and feel the pounding of his head, finally – he will taste the thing he has desired for so long... And I flick it, that switch in my head, don’t feel it I tell myself, just take the comfort.
My eyes close as his face nears mine; his lips feel rough on mine. Chapped even and I want to scream for him to stop, this doesn’t feel right... It doesn’t feel good. But I let the need for companionships wash over me as his body presses to mine and I feel a more prevalent sign of his lust pressing against me too.
He pushes me back against the couch and in my mind; I know we should move... As his hot, desperate fingers claw at me, at my clothing... My shirt is lifted and discarded and all that escapes me is a sigh, no I think, let him see... NO! Screams the angel on my shoulder... Don’t hurt him any more... Look at what you have done, you stupid girl...
“Christian...” The name stings on my lips.
He lifts his lips from my skin; the burning hot of his touch on my neck disappears as he tilts his head up to glance into my eyes. I do not see a man, a mentor – I do not see the person who raised me as a wrestler, the only man I ever trusted, I see an animal, sick with desire and in heat... I swallow hard, knowing it’s too late to turn back and besides... The devil wouldn’t let me, she is hungry.
“Please... Not here...” whispers the angel through my lips “Please” the angel begs.
His body lifts from mine and for a moment I can breathe, there is clarity and... With it comes pain, it slaps me across the face with the cold sting of my own strike on Alex’s cheek. A knife plunges into my chest and rips me down to my gut, which churns as though I may be sick... I steel myself as the demon in my head screams, he begs for it, we must be fed, he says, he reminds...
Christian’s hand lunges towards me and my eyes train on it, sweaty palm touches sweaty palm as I take it and he wrenches me from the couch, his lips are against mine again, the grating, the unpleasant taste of deceit, of false promises is bitter on my tongue but I allow it – I allow his huge frame to envelope mine as he backs me towards my room...
My eyes search for it, Alex’s door as we pass and for a moment, a light flickers in my mind, the light of a hope, a wish... Come out the Angel screams, come and see what this horrible broken girl does with what you give to her... But the door does not budge... Christian’s hands do, they roam and grab and squeeze like a hungry animal, devouring me, my skin... With lips and tongue and teeth...
The body is willing the demon reminds me as my hands clasp his, forcing through the bedroom door, the small room, my one private place is plunged in darkness and we do not bother with the light as I fall back onto the bed and the demon, he arches my back, he invites him in, Christian smiles in the darkness and licks his lips like a lion, stalking an elk at the watering hole, salivating at the feast he is about to enjoy.. My arms reach for him whilst my mind screams for me stop.
Quiet now, I tell her, be gone from this place, this act is not for you, the scenes, the touches, they are not for you to see and I close her off, shut her back in her cage and that little monster awakens, the devil stirs and they take over, they part my lips to moan and beg for more at his touch, unsteady hands pull and tear until my nakedness beneath him matches his... And she is quiet now, the angel has nothing to say – she does not call me a silly girl, she does not question, does not scream, as he takes from me the one thing he had desired most for longer than even the demon knows.
And the demon smiles, the devil cries out and whispers for more, it begs for it, hard, fast... take it, it is just flesh, a willing body... a taste, each taste his soul slips as the monster laughs within, it slips from me and wraps itself around his warmth as sweat beads an trickles down his tender, innocent skin... He does not see it but it glides from me and inside of him, as he moves inside of me... Sin, most carnal, rips his soul to feed them as they cry out, in time with his cries and it is over.
And she weeps, the angel, the girl... Stupid, Broken... Gone.
Is that it? Is that enough now... Are you fed, satiated...? Quiet and slumbering. With a full belly and a smile on your lips. The flesh was willing and the mind so weak... Will you leave him be now, is this sacrifice enough? Can I be quiet...? Just for a little while... Don’t want to shut it off, I want to feel it all, the pain. Let it wash over me whilst they slumber, the demons and the monsters that fight for control of a shell...
It’s what they wanted, what they created. A nothing, a machine, to take and feed and steal and taunt and destroy... Quiet now, can you hear them? Snoring with their guts busting with greed... They take and they take and they burn it all up... So now I give them something more, a once-love... Long lost and forgotten inside a broken little girl.
And you did love him once, the Angel whispers, when it is all quiet and the monster that slid back inside is sleeping... They cannot hear the promises she makes, it will all be over, it will all end... But first Ana, first you must take what you are owed, you must cut and bleed those who bled you first... They awaken, they stir and they scream.... GIVE ME MY POUND OF FLESH...
Does he feel it, little Angel... Does Scott feel them reach for him in the darkness, fingertips can graze him now and they recall his taste, from my memory... The bitter-sweet, the pain... Darkened and soured by the trust used and wasted... I couldn’t see it before, but I see it now, he must pay, he must be punished...
Come along friends, come back to me, wake up and reach for him, tickle at the edges of his mind... Taunt and tease... Remind him of all that will be lost... Soon... Soon... Step three it is coming and another will fall, so scream and take and steal and hurt...
But not him, she whispers... Not Alex.
I didn’t want to hurt you Terry... I didn’t.
I wanted to simply walk out there last week and take my deserved victory... I didn’t want to have to take a second look at you, or them. But you have forced my hand... Your... Failure has somehow deemed it necessary for us to face again.
Now you a hurdle.
Now you are a problem.
And if you’re a problem, then you must be eradicated.. There is no choice, no decision to be made. You are now solidly the one thing that stands between me and my one true path. Your... Disgusting form blocks my view from my target, your very existence is now an issue.
I see you now.
You are no longer dust, you are no longer something to be passed by and ignored. You are real, you are present, and you will suffer for that.
Do you know what it is like, to suffer, to really truly suffer... To live and eat and sleep and breathe tortuous memories, to have constant, un-ending reminders of all that has been done to you? To stand and look in the mirror and see the scars of your enemies etched on your skin?
Do you know what real blackness is like? Have you ever extended your tongue and tasted the true abyss. An all consuming hatred that burns like a fire within... Inner demons? They are nothing compared to the firs of hell burning in your very veins... Have you felt it Terry? Have you ever felt them lick and lap at your skin, sizzling and scorching, consuming you...
No – you haven’t. You think that trials and costs are a disconcerted father... A worried mother... You think you know pain? Rejection? Hate? YOU KNOW NOTHING! You feeble, poor, pathetic excuse for a human being, you do not know what true suffering is...
But worry not, I will teach you, when he climbs from within and takes my hands in his, when we dance over you fallen form, blood spent, spilled and wasted just because he wills it... You will know toture, you will know hellfire and you WILL know the un-ending pain of those who wronged me.
I see you, right there, smiling, mocking... You think you have done it don’t you?! You think that you can be the one to make me stop, to falter, to question where I go, what drives me, to take my eye off the ball.. You aren’t. You won’t. You are not anything... You are target practice... You are one voice in a torrent of screams...
And yours will be my name.
“WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!” Alex’s voice rings out and echoes in my ears.
I visibly flinch, sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted, the assault on my ears is just one step too far and I lean back against the wall, pressing my fingers to my temples and rubbing in a small circular motion I sigh and close my eyes for a moment.
Christian places his hand on my shoulder as some means of comfort and I shrug him off, in the cold light of a dawning day, the mistake seems even clearer than it did as it happened... I open one eye tentatively and eye Christian slowly.
“I think you should go...” my voice trails off somewhere.
I have little demand left in me, the thought of the plane and flying what feels like a million miles away from here entices me to be a little more forceful, I can grab my bag and I can leave... I can run...
“I’m not leaving because of him!” Christian scoffs and signals a hand in Alex’s direction.
Bad idea my head yells, bad idea, BAD IDEA! –Slam- Christian’s body collides with the tiny countertop tha corners off what we mistakenly call a kitchen. Alex’s hand is bunched at his neck, holding Christian down by the collar he leans across the older man and snarls.
“This is my home...” Alex glances at me for a second and seems a little startled to see me make no movement to rescue Christian from his grasp “And I am TELLING you to leave...”
Alex releases his grasp and backs up, making a point to stand between Christian and myself he draws himself up to his full height... For a moment I am distracted by the small beads of sweat that form at the tips of his hair and roll down between his shoulder blades, weaving their way through the bumps in his spine... The tension of the moment is lost on my entirely as just for a second, I close my eyes.
I think of the kiss, the way it felt for his hand to touch the back of my neck... The feel of his lips on mine, soft, sweet, tender.. And then it morphs and it changed, into another’s lips, coarse and dry and demanding and I snap my eyes open, to rest them on a panting Christian.
“Ana wants me here...” Christian half laughs as he points at me, I open my mouth to respond.
“Well I don’t care what Ana wants, I care about what she NEEDS...” Alex steps forward again, but Christian does not step up to meet him, instead an arrogant smirk crosses his lips.
“OH.. I know what she needs...” the lascivious look on his face is made only creepier by the small cock of his brow as he eyes me again.
Alex steps forward again, swinging an arm back at me, pointing at me with a finger that shakes, his rage being suppressed for the benefit of us all as he spits out his words.
“You do, do you? Is that right?” He takes another step closer “Tell me then, Mercer, where were you when she needed you? Where were you when everything as falling apart?! Where were you when she lay in that hospital bed and not a single damn person knew if she was EVER going to take a breath again...?”
The rage builds faster in him now and the beat of it through his veins is palpable, I reach a hand out, to touch him, to calm him, but he is beyond my arms reach and I don’t want to draw attention back to myself.. Hearing the words, feeling the pain ooze and drip as he speaks them is more than I can bare...
“Where were YOU when she had nowhere to go?! When she was struggling, fighting, practically DYING just to get clean... Where were you then?” Alex turns his head to glance at me and something behind his eyes breaks.
I can feel the wet of the tears on my cheeks, the choke of words in my throat, but I don’t move, I don’t look at him, I simply stand and watch, like a doll, just an audience to the actions of the men before me...
“I’ll tell you where you were...” Alex’s head snaps back to look at Christian once more “You were sitting in your cushy little office signing the checks – You think that’s what she needed?! An aide to cash the cheques daddy signed to make the problem go away?”
“You don’t know anything..” Christian’s laugh is a little more uncertain this time, his voice breaks, betraying his own self-doubt.
“I know you were her manager, her mentor... YOU were the one she looked up to...” Alex drops his head slightly, a heaving sigh escapes him “And I know that it was ME who picked up the pieces when no one else was around to try...”
Alex takes that last step, in Christian’s face, he snarls, his lip curls and he is like an animal, more primal more base instinct than man... A side of him I have never seen.
“I know what she needs... And it is most definitely not you!” the words are slow, measured, but threatening....
“Ana...?” Christian looks to me, his singular word a question with the weight of my world hanging off it.
“I... I think you need to leave...” my nails pick at the skin around my fingers and I stare at them as the words slip out.
Alex has already grabbed his jacket and slung it at Christian, pushing him with mere presence towards the door, Christian turns and stare down at me, he curls up his lip as he stares me down and before he can say whatever is on his mind, Alex has shoved him out the door, slamming it hard behind Christian, who doesn’t even have time to glance back before it closes.
Everything is very quiet and, for the first time that morning, I exhale. I turn slowly, my body using the wall or balance and guidance, towards the door to my room, desperately wanting to change and go.. I make it three steps, maybe four...
“How could you bring him here?” Alex’s words are not angry, or hurt, just deadpan, empty.
“Are you kidding me? You parade women through here all hours of the day and night and the first time I-“ my words are cut off by his interruption
“You wanna bring someone home, you wanna sleep around, you wanna have fun... Fine, I don’t care. But how dare you bring him here, into OUR home...” The pain seeps through his eyes and my heart breaks.
“I’m sorry Alex..” My hand touches his arm as the truth in my words overflows
He raises his head and stares into my eyes, the pain, the anger inside them has all melted away and he simply looks at me and I can see him, my friend, the person who saved me.. The words from moments ago swim around in my head and the angel stirs, the demons sleep and her tiny voice fills my mind...
Do it, she says, reach to him... But I can’t. I am no good... He deserves more... I simply stare into those eyes, the eyes of my hero, of the person who understood exactly what I needed... So why can’t he understand now? Why can’t he just look at me and see....
My hand runs down his arm and stops at his wrist, I want to link his fingers with mine, pull him close and whispers all the little things the Angel remembers. I want him to know that I remember, all the nights where he sat beside my hospital bed and begged me to open my eyes... I want him to understand that when I turned him away, it was for him, not for me. I want him to see the one simple truth.
“Alex I-“ my words falter and melt on my lips “-I have to get changed or we’re going to miss our flight.”
It is astonishing just how much of what we are can be tied to the beds we wake up in in the morning, and it is astonishing how fragile that can be.
H calls for you, for your soul. He wants to lead you into the darkness, he sees you dance with your own demons and he smiles. He sees you battle, he sees you trying to beat them, to be the victor, to be the number one... And he smiles.
His mouth is wide as he grins and bares his teeth, yes he says, struggle, fight it... The chase is half the fun... He wants you to doubt him, he wants you to look and see the same, see another like you, touched with a little darkness... He wants you to question his existence, he wants you to think me quite crazy.
But he will rear his head for you... One by One, until he gets what he hungers for... Scott Savage, you may play deaf, you may play dumb and you can lie in moot state... It will not change His thirst.. MY thirst.. for blood.
I stop and turn, my eyes roam over his form and the overwhelming sadness I feel within me takes over my face, I can’t hide it any more... I am done pretending, it hurts. You try to do the right thing, you try to protect the people you love and in doing so... You trample all over them and yourself in the process.
I stare at him, waiting, he called me... He chased me here into the street, screamed my name so others turned to look, more witnesses to the awful way I treat him – The way I play him, that’s what they all think right? Big bad Ana stringing along the nice guy who only wanted to lo-
His hand is on my neck... His lips touch mine and for a moment, I kiss him back, I let it all melt away and I just fall into him – this is it, this is everything and this is... WRONG. My hands press against his chest and I wrestle him off, forcing him to release me as my hand collides with his cheek.
*SLAP*
His head snaps to the side, I can’t see him anymore, just the red of anger and blue of pain, of sadness and I just want to wallow in it – no more, I can’t take it... Everyone is looking, how dare he put me on show, how dare he make a mockery of what I feel, how dare he not see, how dare he...
“Fine….if that’s how it’s going to be…”
He turns away and I try to catch my breath, I can’t understand the anger. The outrage at circumstance and my mind clouds over, all I can see, all I can feel is the touch of his lips on mine, that taste, the taste that lingered in my dreams is back upon my lips and when I open my eyes, he is already walking away, almost lost to the crowds...
“Alex... Please...” He can’t hear me, my voice rises as he disappears deeper into the crowd “I’M SORRY”
He doesn’t look back, doesn’t turn his head... I was right, he doesn’t care... Just another game... That’s all I am to him that is all I will ever be.
Here we are, the same people, nothing changes... It’s all the same routine, the same stories, revolving on repeat. Am I really anything more than I was before? OR am I still a stupid little girl trying to play monster... desperately seeking the numbness that once overtook me. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? Not to feel, to shut it off. Here little monster, I’ll open my jaw and you can settle inside, freeze my heart and give the devil my soul, I have no use for these worldly things any more... I was once a candle with a flame that burned bright, like hope, like promise. That light was extinguished and now...? Now I take good souls, I consume the light of others so that they must rest here, in the darkness, with me.
But not him, no please, spare him... I will give you another... I will feed you all the souls that you desire; I will cultivate and love you. I will soothe the groans and pains as you grow inside me, you can have me, all of me, every single piece of me – just let him be.
So I will go back, I will be what they created me to be. I will close it off, swallow down the emotions and the tears, don’t feel... Conceal. Hold it all inside until it eats away and I become bitter and broken... It’s what they want, all of them, the demons inside and out... The monsters that live in my head and the monsters that refuse to concede my existence... I will focus and I will scratch... I will claw and I will take and then, when it is done, when I can finally put it to rest...
Maybe then... I can love him.
Ineffectual... Inconsequential.. We covered this last week, didn’t we Terry? But apparently, you didn’t get t message, too busy playing Doctor/Patient to pay attention to your opponents... Too arrogant in your own self believed stature, that you thought you could just show up and win it huh?
Arrogant, so fucking arrogant for someone who has done nothing, achieved nothing... n my absence you have become what Terry? Another faceless member of an unmoving surf... Another piece of nothing building itself up to fail, to fall.
Have you taken a stand? Have you taken what you no doubt believe to be yours? No... You have sat back, you have fallen into pattern, routine... Fear? There is no fear with your name, no awe... No stunned silence or worry of a defeat... There is just you, pointless... Futile... Flaccid.
Will you Dane to raise your head this week? Will you man up and try to intimidate me? Talk of a time when you meant something to someone... When you were feared, when you were a competitor, when you were anything more than background noise?
Do you think you’re above it? That you do not need to answer to me, or anyone else? Do you think yourself so important that your very name speaks for itself? You proved last week, that you are indeed nothing... And you will say what? We both lost.
Wrong. You lie there, flat on your back and YOU lost... You scratched and you clawed and when it came down to it... You were the weak point, the failure... I may not have taken the pin, I may have stalled on you... Being forced to again prove my superiority...
But I will not linger, you are a footnote, a sidestep from my one true path and you, Terry Roberts, are not the man to hold me from that path, you are not the one to distract me from my goals... This for you is about a title, a shot at a shiny piece of tin to wrap around your waist.
A chance to win something that you can wave about and scream, see I am worth something! Me? I couldn’t give a damn what title shot is on the line... No leather strap and pretty face plate will be enough to placate me... No title, no belt, no victory will be enough.
It is never enough, until you suffer, until they all suffer... It will not be complete, I will not be done... Until the screams of my foes, the screams of the fallen, are a litany, a chorus of beautiful vengeance. And when your blood is spilled, when your body gives out and you beg, you plead, you pray for it to stop... Remember who is to blame for your pain...
Remember what they did to cause this – Never. Ever. Forget.
I am back in the apartment now... The echoes of our argument reverberate off the walls... It is cold, empty. I throw myself down on the couch and turn my head to the side, a red tendril slips from the messy ponytail on my head and his hand reaches out, it brushes it from my face and tucks it behind my ear.
I smile, the smile doesn’t touch my eyes, but he doesn’t notice, he doesn’t care to. No words pass between us, there is nothing to say, not after all this time.... Not after all we have seen, all we have done to one another. His hand lingers on my cheek and the warmth is inviting. I can feel him...
And it, his lust for me, I feel it pound through him lie the blood in his veins. His body is electric with it. I rest a hand on his chest and feel the pounding of his head, finally – he will taste the thing he has desired for so long... And I flick it, that switch in my head, don’t feel it I tell myself, just take the comfort.
My eyes close as his face nears mine; his lips feel rough on mine. Chapped even and I want to scream for him to stop, this doesn’t feel right... It doesn’t feel good. But I let the need for companionships wash over me as his body presses to mine and I feel a more prevalent sign of his lust pressing against me too.
He pushes me back against the couch and in my mind; I know we should move... As his hot, desperate fingers claw at me, at my clothing... My shirt is lifted and discarded and all that escapes me is a sigh, no I think, let him see... NO! Screams the angel on my shoulder... Don’t hurt him any more... Look at what you have done, you stupid girl...
“Christian...” The name stings on my lips.
He lifts his lips from my skin; the burning hot of his touch on my neck disappears as he tilts his head up to glance into my eyes. I do not see a man, a mentor – I do not see the person who raised me as a wrestler, the only man I ever trusted, I see an animal, sick with desire and in heat... I swallow hard, knowing it’s too late to turn back and besides... The devil wouldn’t let me, she is hungry.
“Please... Not here...” whispers the angel through my lips “Please” the angel begs.
His body lifts from mine and for a moment I can breathe, there is clarity and... With it comes pain, it slaps me across the face with the cold sting of my own strike on Alex’s cheek. A knife plunges into my chest and rips me down to my gut, which churns as though I may be sick... I steel myself as the demon in my head screams, he begs for it, we must be fed, he says, he reminds...
Christian’s hand lunges towards me and my eyes train on it, sweaty palm touches sweaty palm as I take it and he wrenches me from the couch, his lips are against mine again, the grating, the unpleasant taste of deceit, of false promises is bitter on my tongue but I allow it – I allow his huge frame to envelope mine as he backs me towards my room...
My eyes search for it, Alex’s door as we pass and for a moment, a light flickers in my mind, the light of a hope, a wish... Come out the Angel screams, come and see what this horrible broken girl does with what you give to her... But the door does not budge... Christian’s hands do, they roam and grab and squeeze like a hungry animal, devouring me, my skin... With lips and tongue and teeth...
The body is willing the demon reminds me as my hands clasp his, forcing through the bedroom door, the small room, my one private place is plunged in darkness and we do not bother with the light as I fall back onto the bed and the demon, he arches my back, he invites him in, Christian smiles in the darkness and licks his lips like a lion, stalking an elk at the watering hole, salivating at the feast he is about to enjoy.. My arms reach for him whilst my mind screams for me stop.
Quiet now, I tell her, be gone from this place, this act is not for you, the scenes, the touches, they are not for you to see and I close her off, shut her back in her cage and that little monster awakens, the devil stirs and they take over, they part my lips to moan and beg for more at his touch, unsteady hands pull and tear until my nakedness beneath him matches his... And she is quiet now, the angel has nothing to say – she does not call me a silly girl, she does not question, does not scream, as he takes from me the one thing he had desired most for longer than even the demon knows.
And the demon smiles, the devil cries out and whispers for more, it begs for it, hard, fast... take it, it is just flesh, a willing body... a taste, each taste his soul slips as the monster laughs within, it slips from me and wraps itself around his warmth as sweat beads an trickles down his tender, innocent skin... He does not see it but it glides from me and inside of him, as he moves inside of me... Sin, most carnal, rips his soul to feed them as they cry out, in time with his cries and it is over.
And she weeps, the angel, the girl... Stupid, Broken... Gone.
Is that it? Is that enough now... Are you fed, satiated...? Quiet and slumbering. With a full belly and a smile on your lips. The flesh was willing and the mind so weak... Will you leave him be now, is this sacrifice enough? Can I be quiet...? Just for a little while... Don’t want to shut it off, I want to feel it all, the pain. Let it wash over me whilst they slumber, the demons and the monsters that fight for control of a shell...
It’s what they wanted, what they created. A nothing, a machine, to take and feed and steal and taunt and destroy... Quiet now, can you hear them? Snoring with their guts busting with greed... They take and they take and they burn it all up... So now I give them something more, a once-love... Long lost and forgotten inside a broken little girl.
And you did love him once, the Angel whispers, when it is all quiet and the monster that slid back inside is sleeping... They cannot hear the promises she makes, it will all be over, it will all end... But first Ana, first you must take what you are owed, you must cut and bleed those who bled you first... They awaken, they stir and they scream.... GIVE ME MY POUND OF FLESH...
Does he feel it, little Angel... Does Scott feel them reach for him in the darkness, fingertips can graze him now and they recall his taste, from my memory... The bitter-sweet, the pain... Darkened and soured by the trust used and wasted... I couldn’t see it before, but I see it now, he must pay, he must be punished...
Come along friends, come back to me, wake up and reach for him, tickle at the edges of his mind... Taunt and tease... Remind him of all that will be lost... Soon... Soon... Step three it is coming and another will fall, so scream and take and steal and hurt...
But not him, she whispers... Not Alex.
I didn’t want to hurt you Terry... I didn’t.
I wanted to simply walk out there last week and take my deserved victory... I didn’t want to have to take a second look at you, or them. But you have forced my hand... Your... Failure has somehow deemed it necessary for us to face again.
Now you a hurdle.
Now you are a problem.
And if you’re a problem, then you must be eradicated.. There is no choice, no decision to be made. You are now solidly the one thing that stands between me and my one true path. Your... Disgusting form blocks my view from my target, your very existence is now an issue.
I see you now.
You are no longer dust, you are no longer something to be passed by and ignored. You are real, you are present, and you will suffer for that.
Do you know what it is like, to suffer, to really truly suffer... To live and eat and sleep and breathe tortuous memories, to have constant, un-ending reminders of all that has been done to you? To stand and look in the mirror and see the scars of your enemies etched on your skin?
Do you know what real blackness is like? Have you ever extended your tongue and tasted the true abyss. An all consuming hatred that burns like a fire within... Inner demons? They are nothing compared to the firs of hell burning in your very veins... Have you felt it Terry? Have you ever felt them lick and lap at your skin, sizzling and scorching, consuming you...
No – you haven’t. You think that trials and costs are a disconcerted father... A worried mother... You think you know pain? Rejection? Hate? YOU KNOW NOTHING! You feeble, poor, pathetic excuse for a human being, you do not know what true suffering is...
But worry not, I will teach you, when he climbs from within and takes my hands in his, when we dance over you fallen form, blood spent, spilled and wasted just because he wills it... You will know toture, you will know hellfire and you WILL know the un-ending pain of those who wronged me.
I see you, right there, smiling, mocking... You think you have done it don’t you?! You think that you can be the one to make me stop, to falter, to question where I go, what drives me, to take my eye off the ball.. You aren’t. You won’t. You are not anything... You are target practice... You are one voice in a torrent of screams...
And yours will be my name.
“WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!” Alex’s voice rings out and echoes in my ears.
I visibly flinch, sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted, the assault on my ears is just one step too far and I lean back against the wall, pressing my fingers to my temples and rubbing in a small circular motion I sigh and close my eyes for a moment.
Christian places his hand on my shoulder as some means of comfort and I shrug him off, in the cold light of a dawning day, the mistake seems even clearer than it did as it happened... I open one eye tentatively and eye Christian slowly.
“I think you should go...” my voice trails off somewhere.
I have little demand left in me, the thought of the plane and flying what feels like a million miles away from here entices me to be a little more forceful, I can grab my bag and I can leave... I can run...
“I’m not leaving because of him!” Christian scoffs and signals a hand in Alex’s direction.
Bad idea my head yells, bad idea, BAD IDEA! –Slam- Christian’s body collides with the tiny countertop tha corners off what we mistakenly call a kitchen. Alex’s hand is bunched at his neck, holding Christian down by the collar he leans across the older man and snarls.
“This is my home...” Alex glances at me for a second and seems a little startled to see me make no movement to rescue Christian from his grasp “And I am TELLING you to leave...”
Alex releases his grasp and backs up, making a point to stand between Christian and myself he draws himself up to his full height... For a moment I am distracted by the small beads of sweat that form at the tips of his hair and roll down between his shoulder blades, weaving their way through the bumps in his spine... The tension of the moment is lost on my entirely as just for a second, I close my eyes.
I think of the kiss, the way it felt for his hand to touch the back of my neck... The feel of his lips on mine, soft, sweet, tender.. And then it morphs and it changed, into another’s lips, coarse and dry and demanding and I snap my eyes open, to rest them on a panting Christian.
“Ana wants me here...” Christian half laughs as he points at me, I open my mouth to respond.
“Well I don’t care what Ana wants, I care about what she NEEDS...” Alex steps forward again, but Christian does not step up to meet him, instead an arrogant smirk crosses his lips.
“OH.. I know what she needs...” the lascivious look on his face is made only creepier by the small cock of his brow as he eyes me again.
Alex steps forward again, swinging an arm back at me, pointing at me with a finger that shakes, his rage being suppressed for the benefit of us all as he spits out his words.
“You do, do you? Is that right?” He takes another step closer “Tell me then, Mercer, where were you when she needed you? Where were you when everything as falling apart?! Where were you when she lay in that hospital bed and not a single damn person knew if she was EVER going to take a breath again...?”
The rage builds faster in him now and the beat of it through his veins is palpable, I reach a hand out, to touch him, to calm him, but he is beyond my arms reach and I don’t want to draw attention back to myself.. Hearing the words, feeling the pain ooze and drip as he speaks them is more than I can bare...
“Where were YOU when she had nowhere to go?! When she was struggling, fighting, practically DYING just to get clean... Where were you then?” Alex turns his head to glance at me and something behind his eyes breaks.
I can feel the wet of the tears on my cheeks, the choke of words in my throat, but I don’t move, I don’t look at him, I simply stand and watch, like a doll, just an audience to the actions of the men before me...
“I’ll tell you where you were...” Alex’s head snaps back to look at Christian once more “You were sitting in your cushy little office signing the checks – You think that’s what she needed?! An aide to cash the cheques daddy signed to make the problem go away?”
“You don’t know anything..” Christian’s laugh is a little more uncertain this time, his voice breaks, betraying his own self-doubt.
“I know you were her manager, her mentor... YOU were the one she looked up to...” Alex drops his head slightly, a heaving sigh escapes him “And I know that it was ME who picked up the pieces when no one else was around to try...”
Alex takes that last step, in Christian’s face, he snarls, his lip curls and he is like an animal, more primal more base instinct than man... A side of him I have never seen.
“I know what she needs... And it is most definitely not you!” the words are slow, measured, but threatening....
“Ana...?” Christian looks to me, his singular word a question with the weight of my world hanging off it.
“I... I think you need to leave...” my nails pick at the skin around my fingers and I stare at them as the words slip out.
Alex has already grabbed his jacket and slung it at Christian, pushing him with mere presence towards the door, Christian turns and stare down at me, he curls up his lip as he stares me down and before he can say whatever is on his mind, Alex has shoved him out the door, slamming it hard behind Christian, who doesn’t even have time to glance back before it closes.
Everything is very quiet and, for the first time that morning, I exhale. I turn slowly, my body using the wall or balance and guidance, towards the door to my room, desperately wanting to change and go.. I make it three steps, maybe four...
“How could you bring him here?” Alex’s words are not angry, or hurt, just deadpan, empty.
“Are you kidding me? You parade women through here all hours of the day and night and the first time I-“ my words are cut off by his interruption
“You wanna bring someone home, you wanna sleep around, you wanna have fun... Fine, I don’t care. But how dare you bring him here, into OUR home...” The pain seeps through his eyes and my heart breaks.
“I’m sorry Alex..” My hand touches his arm as the truth in my words overflows
He raises his head and stares into my eyes, the pain, the anger inside them has all melted away and he simply looks at me and I can see him, my friend, the person who saved me.. The words from moments ago swim around in my head and the angel stirs, the demons sleep and her tiny voice fills my mind...
Do it, she says, reach to him... But I can’t. I am no good... He deserves more... I simply stare into those eyes, the eyes of my hero, of the person who understood exactly what I needed... So why can’t he understand now? Why can’t he just look at me and see....
My hand runs down his arm and stops at his wrist, I want to link his fingers with mine, pull him close and whispers all the little things the Angel remembers. I want him to know that I remember, all the nights where he sat beside my hospital bed and begged me to open my eyes... I want him to understand that when I turned him away, it was for him, not for me. I want him to see the one simple truth.
“Alex I-“ my words falter and melt on my lips “-I have to get changed or we’re going to miss our flight.”
It is astonishing just how much of what we are can be tied to the beds we wake up in in the morning, and it is astonishing how fragile that can be.
H calls for you, for your soul. He wants to lead you into the darkness, he sees you dance with your own demons and he smiles. He sees you battle, he sees you trying to beat them, to be the victor, to be the number one... And he smiles.
His mouth is wide as he grins and bares his teeth, yes he says, struggle, fight it... The chase is half the fun... He wants you to doubt him, he wants you to look and see the same, see another like you, touched with a little darkness... He wants you to question his existence, he wants you to think me quite crazy.
But he will rear his head for you... One by One, until he gets what he hungers for... Scott Savage, you may play deaf, you may play dumb and you can lie in moot state... It will not change His thirst.. MY thirst.. for blood.
