Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Jun 13, 2014 14:19:34 GMT -5
(ICE Beckman leans back in his chair as his brother, John, looks at him from across the board room table.)
ICE: So you’re telling me my sitcom isn’t ready to be filmed yet?
John: There is still a lot of promoting to do.
ICE: But we have this studio and all these actors with nothing to do.
John: What are you thinking?
ICE: I am thinking, time to make some jokes, time to spoof some classic sketches, it’s time for....XIII NIGHT LIVE!!!!!
(Their short meeting fades to black as the sketch comedy shows begins....
The set is made up to look like the family room in a normal house in the suburbs of a United States of America neighborhood. There are two teenagers, a son and daughter on the couch. Across the room sits a mother in one chair with the father standing by his chair. The father is red faced and lecturing the teens about their behavior.)
Father: And now you two have been staying out too late?
Mother: And drugs, don’t forget about the drugs I found in their pockets.
Father: Your mother and I are feed up! And frankly I am sick of being the one yelling at you.
Mother: Lord knows you two haven’t been listening to us anyhow.
Son: Fine, who did you bring to talk to us?
Daughter: Probably just Father Rick or someone lame.
Father: Actually it is someone I got through the church.
Mother: He is...a motivational speaker.
Father: Now he has been down in the basement for the last three hours eating spaghetti, but I think he is ready for you.
(The Father leans into the basement door and calls down.)
Father: Mr. Farley Price we are ready for you!
(Running up stairs is an actor dressed in nothing but a pair of black underwear and one boot. He has spaghetti sauce running down his beard’s stubble onto his chest. He is full of energy, but is having problems keeping his balance like a local drunk.)
Mr. Farley Price: Hey there pops! Thanks for the drinky drink.
Father: I didn’t give you any alcohol.
Mr. Farley Price: I know, but I found something dripping from your water heater and it did the job! Now where are the kiddos?
Father: Right over here, Mr. Price.
Mr. Farley Price: Alright, kids, I hear you’ve been giving your parents grief.
Son: We’ve just been having fun.
Mr. Farley Price: FUN! FUN! Let me tell you something young man...FUN makes you DONE!
Daughter: Like, what does that even mean?
Mr. Farley Price: It rhymes, think about it Missy!
Son: What are you talking about?
Mr. Farley Price: I am talking about how it feels to be laughed at.
Daughter: No one is laughing at me.
Mr. Farley Price: Really? Not even behind your backs?
Son: Nope.
Mr. Farley Price: Really? What is your trick, because that is a huge problem for me.
Mother: Mr. Price, please, can we stay on topic.
Mr. Farley Price: Yes, sorry...so there I was stealing people’s possessions down at the community pool while disgusted as a janitor-
Father: Mr. Price, remember you are here to give my children advice about straightening up their lives.
Mr. Farley Price: Straighten up their lives? You don’t want them to be gay?
Mother: No, no, No!
Mr. Farley Price: I don’t think that is very 2014 of you two.
Father: What my wife means is; she wants you to tell them why drugs are so wrong!
Mr. Farley Price: It is wrong how the government keeps them as illegal.
Father: I want you to tell my son and daughter to stop smoking weed.
Mr. Farley Price: You should stop smoking weed, you think I would have a van full of road kill worth hundreds to my friend Jonny in potential puppet friends if I didn’t spent all my time drinking!
Mother: We want them off drugs!
Mr. Farley Price: And I am telling them to drink more! I don’t know fella, might want to bring your wife to the Doctor she isn’t making sense.
Son: You are the one not making sense!
Mr. Farley Price: Making sense? I make cents all the time, when I find a penny, or a nickel or sometimes even a dime! Is that a quarter?
Father: Watch out!
(Mr. Farley Price stumbles forward as he reaches for something under the coffee table. He loses his balances and smashes the table to pieces with a huge belly flop.)
Mr. Farley Price; Whoops diddle, sorry about that.
Father: Maybe you should sit down, you seem to be very unstable.
Mr. Farley Price: Father, I need you to do a little favor for me and SHUT THE HELL UP! I am trying to help your kids!
Daughter: What do you know? You have spaghetti sauce on your one boot.
Mr. Farley Price: I do? Well let me just use their curtains to wipe that off!
Mother: Please be careful.
Mr. Farley Price: Now don't you worry about a thing. I am more careful than a careful care bear at a careful company!
(Mr. Farley Price is hopping on one leg trying to wipe the sauce from his boot as he goes crashing through the front window!!)
Mother: Oh my!
(Mr. Farley Price comes running quickly back into the house through the front door!)
Mr. Farley Price: It might be this shard of glass now sticking out of my head, but I just got a great idea!
Daughter: Please say it’s leaving us alone.
Mr. Farley Price: Better yet, I am going to move in with this family and teach you all the way of better living through heavy drinking and concussions. Now I am just going to go get my camera man pet out of the van and I will be right back!!!
(Mr. Farley Price runs back out of the house as the family comes together in a group hug.)
Son: I am so sorry Dad!
Daughter: Yes, I am so sorry!
Mother: Don’t worry children we will always love you!
Father: I will just lock the door to make sure he doesn’t return!
(The Father goes to lock the door as the sketch comes to an end.)
(The music video sketch starts with two men dressed in flashy suits. The first man has a long white beard, a pointy Norseman helmet and a shiny teal suit. The second man is wearing his black hair in a tight pony tail, he has a pointy beard and a shiny olive green suit. The two are dancing and lip synching along with the song as they dance in different places like a Manhattan apartment, central park and on a harbor next to the east river. It begins with the song’s credentials in the corner of the screen...)
Mr. Hip Hop Odin and The Godfather of Rap
“My Thick in a Box”
By Drunk Money Music Producers
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Hey ladies, I know you’re looking for something big.
The Godfather of Rap: Yeah ladies I know you’re looking for someone to dig.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: And that is why Mr. Hip Hop Odin is here to play.
The Godfather of Rap: Along with his boy The Godfather of Rap we need to say.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: That your boyfriend Corey is nothing but a little wiener.
The Godfather of Rap: The way he yells at you couldn’t be meaner.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: The dude might as well be a Jonny Fly.
The Godfather of Rap: Who gets you knocked up and says bye.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Or the dude might as well be a Purse.
The Godfather of Rap: Who’ll leave you with a case of the crabs curse.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Your boy toy might as well be named Price.
The Godfather of Rap: For he quickly passes out before you get your slice.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Then there is that pimp daddy Steve.
The Godfather of Rap: Who just slaps you; then makes his leave.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: That is why I am glad I got you here.
The Godfather of Rap: I want to show you something so very dear.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Here is a present from me to you.
The Godfather of Rap: I wrapped up in this box with a bow of blue.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: I don’t want to be sly like a fox.
The Godfather of Rap: So here is my, Thick in a Box!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Yeah, baby, my Thick in a Box!
The Godfather of Rap: Just for you, its my Thick in a Box!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Don’t worry he won’t give you a big bite.
The Godfather of Rap: And yes he does curve a bit to the right.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: But I promise it will be all you ever need.
The Godfather of Rap: And even plant you with a fertile seed.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: You’re welcome girl there is only one way to thank me.
The Godfather of Rap: Invite your room mate in here to make us a three!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Trust me baby she will be in love with the cocks.
The Godfather of Rap: For a lifetime, after she sees my Thick in a Box!!
(The two rappers show peace signs before walking off into the sunset in slow motion as the video ends with a star swipe.)
(We open on the music of “Jeopardy”. There is a big blue board made up of many TV screens is just to the right of the host of the show, an actor dressed up like Alex Trebek. Across the stage is three gaming stands set up with the contestants name on the front and a thin microphone coming from the top. The first actor is dressed up in purple suit with a fedora and the words Burt Orbit written on the front of the stand. The second actor is dressed with a green long sleeve shirt and jeans and has his name of Jeff Connery on the front of his gaming stand. And the last gaming stand has no one at it.)
Voice-Over Announcer: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy with your host...Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy, I am Alex Trebek. Tonight’s contestants include Burt Orbit.
Burt Orbit: Yeah, uh, shut up.
Alex Trebek: I was just taking a brief moment to introduce you.
Burt Orbit: Took forever, reminded me of one of them runner marathons.
Alex Trebek: Yes, okay. And our second contestant is Mr. Jeff Connery.
Jeff Connery: Suck it Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, thank you Mr. Connery. And our third contestant....wait, where is our third contestant?
Burt Orbit: I, uh, paid him off. You know giving me a better chance of winning, it’s called playing the odds.
Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever, let’s just get to the game.
Jeff Connery: Ready to play Trebek, reminds me of your mom last night.
Alex Trebek: Yes, okay, and the categories are.... 1980’s Professional Wrestling, Cage Matches, Seth Lerch, Finisher Moves, Entrance Music and Wrestling Gear. Mr. Orbit you get to pick first.
Burt Orbit: Quiet Trebek, I am going first! I will take, Cage Matches for one zero zero.
Alex Trebek: Also known as 100.
Burt Orbit: Yeah, that’s right, one red hund.
Alex Trebek: Yes, anyhow, the question is...You can win a cage match by doing one of two things.
Jeff Connery: (Buzzes in)...What is taking a shower and doing Trebek’s mom afterwards?
Alex Trebek: No, sorry, that is not correct.
Jeff Connery: Your mom makes me erect.
Alex Trebek: I said correct, not- never mind. Mr. Orbit, please pick another category.
Burt Orbit: I will take, uh, Celebrity Jeopardy.
Alex Trebek: That is not a category on the board.
Burt Orbit: But, uh, it says it right up there, in big words.
Alex Trebek: That is a sign for the show you are on.
Burt Orbit: Oh, well that’s confusing.
Alex Trebek: Not for a normal person I think, fine, I will just pick a category, here is 1980’s Professional Wrestling for 100....This WWF Superstar told kids to take their vitamins and referred to his arms as pythons.
Burt Orbit:.........
Jeff Connery:........
Alex Trebek: Are you serious? No one knows who I am talking about? Hulk...
Jeff Connery: (Buzzes in)...Green!
Alex Trebek: No, that is not correct.
Jeff Connery: I am pretty sure the hulk is green.
Alex Trebek: Not even close to what I was looking for.
Jeff Connery: That’s not what your mom said last night, Trebek, after I took off my pants!
Alex Trebek: Let’s please just keep going, Mr. Connery, it’s your turn to pick a category.
Jeff Connery: I will take Finish Moves for 100.
Alex Trebek: This was the name of Stone Cold’s famous finishing move.
Burt Orbit: (Buzzes in)....What is Helsinki.
Alex Trebek: No, sorry, that is incorrect. Wait, you know they are finishing movies, and not things about Finland right?
Burt Orbit: What is correct?
Alex Trebek: Mr. Orbit, remember I am the one who gives the correct answer.
Jeff Connery: Kind of like I gave it to your mom last night Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Alright, let’s move onto Final Jeopardy, I have had enough of this.
Jeff Connery: That isn’t what your mom was saying last night, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, indeed, now here is your Final Jeopardy question: Name a professional wrestler.
(The Jeopardy theme plays as the lights dim a bit while the two contestants begin to write down their answers. Soon the music wraps up and Alex Trebek walks over to the gaming stands.)
Alex Trebek: Alright, Mr. Orbit, you get to go first. You put down the answer of....Poop.
Burt Orbit: Poop. That’s a funny word.
Alex Trebek: Yes, but it is not correct...and your wager was...fart.
Burt Orbit: Fart, haha, another funny word.
Alex Trebek: Yes, let’s move on...Mr. Connery, what did you put as your answer?....Alex Trebek.
Jeff Connery: Hehe.
Alex Trebek: I don’t see what you are so proud of, that is the wrong answer...and you wagered, Sucks Dick.
Jeff Connery: Get it? Alex Trebek sucks dick!
Alex Trebek: Alright that is for sure all the time my patience has for the night. Once again both of your charities have lost a lot of money tonight due to your terrible play. Goodnight America.
(The actor playing Alex Trebek walks off rubbing his temples as Mr. Orbit and Mr. Connery high five.)
(Natural ICE Beckman is dressed in a suit, or at least the top of him is, as he shuffles some papers on his news desk. Some typical breaking news music wraps up as long as the studio audiences’ applause as ICE begins to speak.)
ICE: Hello and welcome to The WCF Bullshit Update. I am Natural ICE Beckman and this is the Fake News...
(ICE turns to a different camera shot as a graphic pops up over his shoulder that relates to the story he is bullshitting about.)
ICE: Everyone is really excited about the big XIII event, well everyone but Pantheon. I know the fans are excited for the match, especially ones that are heading to the event. Word is there is a contest for the fan that brings the best weapon for the wrestlers to use on one another. I personally am having my friends bring in a specialty made dildo mace to win the contest.
(ICE turns towards his third camera.)
ICE: A big World title match is in the works at the WCF next pay per view. Steve Orbit vs Jayson Price and there has been some tension from these two friends as of late. Reminds me of Hillary and Bill Clinton, she wants what he once had, being the President, and he wants nothing to do with her, especially her lady bits.
(ICE turns back to camera number one.)
ICE: We have a few brand new feuds beginning to come about in the WCF. Chase Michaels is trying to teach John Gable why being an actor in the world of wrestling is as effective as being a polar bear in the amazon. Meanwhile, Michaels is spending more time of late talking about why results in the ring don’t matter. All I know is between the actor and the biker, James Dean is rolling over in his grave these days.
(ICE looks straight ahead into camera two.)
ICE: Another feud that has begun to sprout up like a weed in the WCF garden is Logan vs Jeff Purse. Now Logan has gone all whack-a-doodle after he failed Team Psycho Hot Dog Beer Company. He is beginning to remind me of a little kid who needs his binky and a good long nap. I know I will be facing Jeff this week at XIII, so maybe I will use it as an opportunity to teach Jeff truly how to really hurt someone, then he can teach Logan the same lesson over and over until Logan is normal again.
(ICE swivels in his chair to the next camera.)
ICE: A lot of people are talking about Chelsea’s kidnapping in the city of Hollywood. And it has nothing to do with Gable being in an SPAC, trust me Gable hasn’t been anything but the butt of a joke in Hollywood in a long time. No, I guess why the kidnapping is making such headlines is due to actresses calling it newest the diet sensation, as one actress describes it: “being locked away from the paparazzi, with nothing but bread and water in my diet and all of it for free, Sign Me Up!”
(ICE Beckman turns to the next camera.)
ICE: Last time on Slam, Synn Roberts was seen being a hero by coming to the rescues of Marina and Stacy. However not everyone saw the actions as so “heroic”. In fact Synn’s wife was defiantly questioning his reasons for running out to save a pair of fine young divas. I am sure Synn will clear things up over time, but for now I hope the guy has a comfortable couch.
(ICE turns back to camera number one.)
ICE: Last Wednesday Night show ended with all the excitement of a World Cup Soccer Game, when Caliban and Colin Marshall ended their match with a draw. It was also reminded this reporter of the recent end to the National Spelling Bee. So there you go, Caliban and Colin, your matches are as interesting as soccer and a spelling bees. Try to match that kind of action other wrestling federations!
(ICE turns to the center camera.)
ICE: Lately the WCF tag team division is exploding with people aiming for the title belts. Hell, those titles are so sought after these days, they remind me of a decently attractive women showing up in a Philadelphia bar. They will have to deal with a whole lot of attempted grabbing only to go home with a doctor at the end of the night.
(ICE turns to the next shot.)
ICE: There are breaking bullshit reports, that Alex Richards has recently checked himself in a mental hospital after his recent loss to Logan on Slam. While early reports have Richards doing very good with his treatment to start out, one must take that report with a grain of sand since they are coming from someone calling himself, Dr. Richards.
(ICE goes back to the beginning shot.)
ICE: The WCF boss made a recent splash on Slam by announcing that all the titles will be defended on the next Slam PPV. While many WCF fans are excited about all this action, others are seeing it as just a ploy by the boss so fans don’t notice the latest increase in the purchase price of a PPV. Reports have that extra money going to the very important cause of Seth finally moving out of his mom’s basement.
(ICE turns to another camera.)
ICE: And lastly we have reports about Brent Alpine and his manager, Percy Micro. It seems that while Brent is trying to distance himself from his high-pitched talking manager, his is just not able to do so due to Micro’s mind games. I haven’t seen a client this afraid of their manager’s feelings since Michael Jackson’s dad managed the Jackson Five. At least those two were related; frankly I don’t understand what Alpine sees in a man who sounds and looks like a Mylar balloon.
(ICE shuffles his papers as he looks right into the camera.)
ICE: I am ICE Beckman, and this has been the WCF Bullshit Update, have a good night and remember next time you are bored, try bullshitting, as long as you think it’s funny that’s all that matters.
(ICE bundles the papers into a ball and throws it at the camera as the segment fades to black.)
(We open on a set that is designed to look like a high school library. Two actors come running onto the stage in black and red cheerleading outfits. One of the cheerleaders is a handsome man and the other is a perky cute gal.)
Overhead Announcement: ...And even though this is a chess tournament, the WCF High School has brought Cheerleaders, Dictor and Janes. Now good luck to today’s competitors and let the matches begin!
Janes: Wow, I can’t believe they said our names over the P.A.
Dictor: A man of my importance deserves no less.
Janes: Like, totally, or maybe it was cuz you gave him twenty bucks to do so.
Dictor: By any means, my dear.
Janes: Oh, look, Randle needs our help, ready for a cheer!
Dictor: If we must.
Janes: Ready, And..
Dictor: GO!
Janes and Dictor: Come on guys, come on boys, moves those pieces, like game toys!
Janes: When your rook gets knocked down.
Dictor: Don’t go and make a sad frown!
Janes: Instead, move your King before your opponent can think!
Dictor: Like when Price drops the roofie in his dates drink!
Janes and Dictor: GO WCF!! WOOO!! GOOO CHESS GUYS, WOOOO!!
(The two take a seat and begin to dab themselves with towels.)
Janes: Wow, that was a good one.
Dictor: I did do a good job, agreed.
Janes: Why do you think so highly of yourself?
Dictor: Why, wouldn’t I?
Janes: Because your one friend is a guy who mumbles to himself and you’re such a big loser that you have to be on the non-official cheerleading team with me?
Dictor: Whatever cheerleading team I am is instantly the best one.
Janes: But I thought you tried out for the real cheerleaders and they didn’t let you on after you attacked the team Capitan for making fun of your haircut.
Dictor: Time for another cheer, I think.
(The two run up and find their starting position with hands on hips.)
Janes: Ready, And...
Dictor: GO!!!!
Janes: How do the WCF students get to school?
Dictor: On a bus, a bus!
Janes: Who is that team is playing good chess?
Dictor: It’s Us, It’s us!
Janes: What was Corey Black’s boyhood nickname?
Dictor: Joke Bait, Joke Bait!!
Janes: And how are we going to win this game?
Dictor: Check Mate, Check Mate!!!
Janes and Dictor: GOOO CHESS!! WOOOO!!!
(They go back to relaxing in their chairs and squirting water into their mouths as they chat.)
Janes: That was a totally awesome cheer, really got the team going.
Dictor: Must you always be so happy and positive?
Janes: It’s my thing, like you thinking you are better than you are.
Dictor: Fine, it’s your thing, but must you always be so chipper.
Janes: Being happy is sometimes my thing and sometimes it’s really my thing, like right after gym class!
Dictor: You mean when you shower with the other girls?
Janes: Oh, time for another cheer, come on!
Dictor: But I want to hear more about happy shower time.
(Janes pulls Dictor up to their cheering spot.)
Janes: Ready, And....
Dictor: GOOOO!!
Janes: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Your weak moves gotta go!
Dictor: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Jonny Fly is a man Ho!
Janes: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Win the match with some grace!
Dictor: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Purse is Pantheon’s last place!
Janes and Dictor: WOOOO!!!! WCF CHESS TEAM RULES!!!
(The two cheerleaders head back to their chairs for a breather.)
Janes: OMG! That was downright cool!
Dictor: Speaking of OMG, here comes Max Bender, head of the chess team.
Janes: OMG! OMG!
Dictor: Keep cool, I will handle this.
(ICE Beckman’s skinny nerd friend Dee comes walking into the scene. He is playing the role of Max Bender.)
Max Bender: What are you two losers doing?!
Janes: We are giving our spirit to the whole team!
Dictor: Shhh, I said I would handle this.
Max Bender: It’s a chess tournament! There shouldn’t be cheerleaders!
Dictor: Don’t worry Max, we are helping!
Max Bender: You’re not even making sense; you keep bringing up people I’ve never heard of.
Janes: We are just trying to help!
(Max Bender storms off the stage as Dictor and Janes slump down in their chairs with sad faces.)
Dictor: That didn’t go well at all.
Janes: You know what we need?
Dictor: A ride home from our parents?
Janes: No, we need....The Perfect Cheer!!
(Like a blast their spirits are lifted as they run up to the cheer mark.)
Janes: Today is Bananas, it’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Dictor: Today is Bananas, it’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Janes: Orbit is a Chumpion, C-H-U-M-P-I-O-N!
Dictor: Orbit is a Chumpion, C-H-U-M-P-I-O-N!
Janes: He has beat no one, N-O-O-N-E!
Dictor: He has beat no one, N-O-O-N-E!
Janes and Dictor: WOOOO!! GO WCF CHESS TEAM!!! WOOOOO!!
(The two cheer with raised hands and claps as the audience cheers them to the next break in the show.)
(We open on the live stage to see fake grass in front of a white house with a red roof. The fans clap as two actors come walking onto the stage. They are dressed like a stereotypical 50’s married couple, except for one major difference; they have giant blocks for heads! They are holding a communication device that is speaking to them with a robotic voice, which is a staple of the blockhead people.)
Blockhead Communication Voice: This is your Leader, #45249, welcome to your next mission, getting to know life on Earth. You both will have new identities while here on earth. You will no longer be known as #98743, rather you will be the husband in the family known as Mr. Black Blockhead. And you, #26710, will now be known as Mrs. Jonna Blockhead. Now go and explore your new planet.
(Mr. Black Blockhead turns off the alien communication device and then looks at his new “wife”.)
Mr. Black Blockhead: Hmm, you were a man back on our home planet of Pantheon.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Hmm, indeed, I welcome the change.
Mr. Black Blockhead: How so?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Just feels right.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Oh my, what is that large mass in the sky?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I think they call it sun.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Isn’t that what I call my offspring?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I believe it is.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Then that must be my child in the sky.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Hello seedling, thank you for warming my strange human flesh.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Look other humans.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Remember to not let them know we are aliens.
(A pair of actors playing the neighbor couple comes walking into the fake yard on the stage.)
Mr. Black Blockhead: Hello fellow humans, we are the Blockheads.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: We are married and looking into have intercourse in order have another son.
Mr. Johnson: Okie dokie, well, I am Bob Johnson and this is my wife, Mary Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Welcome to the neighborhood. You said you have a boy, what’s his name?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I call him Son, he makes my flesh warm.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh, that’s so cute. We have a couple kids ourselves.
Mr. Johnson: We will have to have you over sometime to meet the rest of the neighbors.
Mr. Black Blockhead: More humans to meet; that would be something to do.
Mrs. Johnson: Well I will admit some of them are a bit strange. There is the Mr. and Mrs. Shadow, she is often away traveling and he is always cleaning that car of his in his driveway. Then next to them is the Armstrongs, but lately they have been going through some things for sure, not that l like to gossip. But get a few glasses of wine and me and I will tell you when I lost my virginity. Hehe, I’m just kidding, or am I?...Hehehehe..
Mr. Black Blockhead: You are an undesirable human in which to be around.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Yes, indeed, you are not enjoyable to interact with.
Mr. Johnson: Hey Now, that’s my wife you’re talking about!!
Mr. Black Blockhead: I fear we have offended you.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: If so, we do apologize and would just ask for you a quick DNA sample before we part ways.
Mrs. Johnson: DNA sample? Let me guess, you two are scientists. Oh hun, give them a break, they spend all their time in a lab.
Mr. Johnson: Oh haha, well then I am sorry, I know you science people don’t get out too much.
Mr. Black Blockhead: You seem to be okay with us again.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Good, now if you would just bend over for that DNA sample that would be more than good.
Mrs. Johnson: You two are a laugh riot! You know what Howard, we should have them met Mr. Lerch and his wife.
Mr. Johnson: I don’t know Mary; I haven’t seen Slaney in a few weeks.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh that’s a shame, guess what I heard about him being like in the bedroom was true after all.
Mr. Black Blockhead: You like to talk about other’s lives a lot. Then you must be interested in our bedtime moments.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I prefer....scanning random sexual positions....Anal Sex!
Mrs. Johnson: Well now, that language is a little R rated for us. I think we have to go now.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Well then have a good time back in your designated space.
Mr. Johnson: Okie dokie, you as well, good neighbors.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Indeed, we will, especially when it comes to the intercourse.
Mrs. Johnson: Well isn’t that special!!
Mr. Black Blockhead: Yes, tonight we will try....scanning sexual positions...a sixty nine!
(The crowd laughs as the alien couple walks one way off the stage and the typical neighbor couple walks the other way off the stage. The show comes to an end with some studio audience applause followed by some quick credits.)
A few days later....
(The promo is now back in Foam Lake, Wisconsin, home of Natural ICE Beckman and his lake front cabin. ICE Beckman is sitting on his dock, throwing small pebbles into Foam Lake. The sun is beginning to set in the distance as ICE burps, signaling the conclusion of another beer. ICE is watching the ripples produced by the pebbles while in deep thought as John Beckman walks out of the cabin. John instantly swats a few mosquitos away as he looks over to his younger brother at the dock. John walks over and joins his brother on the dock’s built in bench. )
John: So, how was your rant?
ICE: Oh yeah, that, um, it was short but sweet.
John: Did you really give it to Pantheon? Remind them why you are the King of Sting?
ICE: Actually I haven’t said a word out loud.
John: You know I don’t pay extra for the cameraman to hide in the bushes to capture you’re best thinking man impressions, right?
ICE: Don’t worry; I don’t need to bother talking about Pantheon to prove my hate for them.
John: What the fuck did you just say?
ICE: I am just saying my drive to defeat Pantheon reached its breaking point moments after Restarted Seth decided to continue the Trios Cup Finale. Since then it’s really all I have been thinking about.
John: Then why did I find you out here....in silence?
ICE: I was just thinking.
John: That doesn’t sound right.
ICE: You are starting to sound like father and grandfather....Focus, focus, focus.
John: All I am saying is well...focus...you need to really think about what you are getting yourself into at XIII. It is going to be hell inside cages, against the best the WCF can offer in Pantheon.
ICE: That’s true....but...
John: But what?
ICE: Her touch was-well, I mean her laugh was so, I mean our moments were fleeting, but yet they are lasting a lifetime within my thoughts, you know?
John: You better be talking about your new dog.
ICE: You know who I am talking about.
John: I thought your original plan for her was just a little bit of fun in order to win a match.
ICE: Things have grown since then...things inside me have begun to stir.
John: Those “things” are called emotions.
ICE: Whatever they are, they are getting rather annoying...and at the same time addicting.
John: She is a married woman, with a child; she is not going to be yours, not sort of, not ever!
ICE: Don’t like %50 of marriages end in divorce?
John: You need to fucking get your mind straight and you need to do it right fucking now.
ICE: I am ready for a fight...
John: I know you are always ready for a fight, but are you ready for a war?
ICE: I am. I am ready...for the next level.
John: Then you need to prove it at XIII.
ICE: I will, I will...and then afterwards I will dream of her head on my shoulder once again.
John: Oh brother.
ICE: Yes?
John: I was just expressing my frustration.
ICE: Sounds likes my plans for XIII.
(ICE Beckman watches a few ducks fly off the lake in order to return to their nests as John shakes his head at his younger brother’s misdirected mind. ICE grabs a few more pebbles to throw into the lake as the promo comes to an end.)
XIII Night Live
ICE: So you’re telling me my sitcom isn’t ready to be filmed yet?
John: There is still a lot of promoting to do.
ICE: But we have this studio and all these actors with nothing to do.
John: What are you thinking?
ICE: I am thinking, time to make some jokes, time to spoof some classic sketches, it’s time for....XIII NIGHT LIVE!!!!!
(Their short meeting fades to black as the sketch comedy shows begins....
The set is made up to look like the family room in a normal house in the suburbs of a United States of America neighborhood. There are two teenagers, a son and daughter on the couch. Across the room sits a mother in one chair with the father standing by his chair. The father is red faced and lecturing the teens about their behavior.)
Father: And now you two have been staying out too late?
Mother: And drugs, don’t forget about the drugs I found in their pockets.
Father: Your mother and I are feed up! And frankly I am sick of being the one yelling at you.
Mother: Lord knows you two haven’t been listening to us anyhow.
Son: Fine, who did you bring to talk to us?
Daughter: Probably just Father Rick or someone lame.
Father: Actually it is someone I got through the church.
Mother: He is...a motivational speaker.
Father: Now he has been down in the basement for the last three hours eating spaghetti, but I think he is ready for you.
(The Father leans into the basement door and calls down.)
Father: Mr. Farley Price we are ready for you!
(Running up stairs is an actor dressed in nothing but a pair of black underwear and one boot. He has spaghetti sauce running down his beard’s stubble onto his chest. He is full of energy, but is having problems keeping his balance like a local drunk.)
Mr. Farley Price: Hey there pops! Thanks for the drinky drink.
Father: I didn’t give you any alcohol.
Mr. Farley Price: I know, but I found something dripping from your water heater and it did the job! Now where are the kiddos?
Father: Right over here, Mr. Price.
Mr. Farley Price: Alright, kids, I hear you’ve been giving your parents grief.
Son: We’ve just been having fun.
Mr. Farley Price: FUN! FUN! Let me tell you something young man...FUN makes you DONE!
Daughter: Like, what does that even mean?
Mr. Farley Price: It rhymes, think about it Missy!
Son: What are you talking about?
Mr. Farley Price: I am talking about how it feels to be laughed at.
Daughter: No one is laughing at me.
Mr. Farley Price: Really? Not even behind your backs?
Son: Nope.
Mr. Farley Price: Really? What is your trick, because that is a huge problem for me.
Mother: Mr. Price, please, can we stay on topic.
Mr. Farley Price: Yes, sorry...so there I was stealing people’s possessions down at the community pool while disgusted as a janitor-
Father: Mr. Price, remember you are here to give my children advice about straightening up their lives.
Mr. Farley Price: Straighten up their lives? You don’t want them to be gay?
Mother: No, no, No!
Mr. Farley Price: I don’t think that is very 2014 of you two.
Father: What my wife means is; she wants you to tell them why drugs are so wrong!
Mr. Farley Price: It is wrong how the government keeps them as illegal.
Father: I want you to tell my son and daughter to stop smoking weed.
Mr. Farley Price: You should stop smoking weed, you think I would have a van full of road kill worth hundreds to my friend Jonny in potential puppet friends if I didn’t spent all my time drinking!
Mother: We want them off drugs!
Mr. Farley Price: And I am telling them to drink more! I don’t know fella, might want to bring your wife to the Doctor she isn’t making sense.
Son: You are the one not making sense!
Mr. Farley Price: Making sense? I make cents all the time, when I find a penny, or a nickel or sometimes even a dime! Is that a quarter?
Father: Watch out!
(Mr. Farley Price stumbles forward as he reaches for something under the coffee table. He loses his balances and smashes the table to pieces with a huge belly flop.)
Mr. Farley Price; Whoops diddle, sorry about that.
Father: Maybe you should sit down, you seem to be very unstable.
Mr. Farley Price: Father, I need you to do a little favor for me and SHUT THE HELL UP! I am trying to help your kids!
Daughter: What do you know? You have spaghetti sauce on your one boot.
Mr. Farley Price: I do? Well let me just use their curtains to wipe that off!
Mother: Please be careful.
Mr. Farley Price: Now don't you worry about a thing. I am more careful than a careful care bear at a careful company!
(Mr. Farley Price is hopping on one leg trying to wipe the sauce from his boot as he goes crashing through the front window!!)
Mother: Oh my!
(Mr. Farley Price comes running quickly back into the house through the front door!)
Mr. Farley Price: It might be this shard of glass now sticking out of my head, but I just got a great idea!
Daughter: Please say it’s leaving us alone.
Mr. Farley Price: Better yet, I am going to move in with this family and teach you all the way of better living through heavy drinking and concussions. Now I am just going to go get my camera man pet out of the van and I will be right back!!!
(Mr. Farley Price runs back out of the house as the family comes together in a group hug.)
Son: I am so sorry Dad!
Daughter: Yes, I am so sorry!
Mother: Don’t worry children we will always love you!
Father: I will just lock the door to make sure he doesn’t return!
(The Father goes to lock the door as the sketch comes to an end.)
(The music video sketch starts with two men dressed in flashy suits. The first man has a long white beard, a pointy Norseman helmet and a shiny teal suit. The second man is wearing his black hair in a tight pony tail, he has a pointy beard and a shiny olive green suit. The two are dancing and lip synching along with the song as they dance in different places like a Manhattan apartment, central park and on a harbor next to the east river. It begins with the song’s credentials in the corner of the screen...)
Mr. Hip Hop Odin and The Godfather of Rap
“My Thick in a Box”
By Drunk Money Music Producers
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Hey ladies, I know you’re looking for something big.
The Godfather of Rap: Yeah ladies I know you’re looking for someone to dig.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: And that is why Mr. Hip Hop Odin is here to play.
The Godfather of Rap: Along with his boy The Godfather of Rap we need to say.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: That your boyfriend Corey is nothing but a little wiener.
The Godfather of Rap: The way he yells at you couldn’t be meaner.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: The dude might as well be a Jonny Fly.
The Godfather of Rap: Who gets you knocked up and says bye.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Or the dude might as well be a Purse.
The Godfather of Rap: Who’ll leave you with a case of the crabs curse.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Your boy toy might as well be named Price.
The Godfather of Rap: For he quickly passes out before you get your slice.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Then there is that pimp daddy Steve.
The Godfather of Rap: Who just slaps you; then makes his leave.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: That is why I am glad I got you here.
The Godfather of Rap: I want to show you something so very dear.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Here is a present from me to you.
The Godfather of Rap: I wrapped up in this box with a bow of blue.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: I don’t want to be sly like a fox.
The Godfather of Rap: So here is my, Thick in a Box!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Yeah, baby, my Thick in a Box!
The Godfather of Rap: Just for you, its my Thick in a Box!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Don’t worry he won’t give you a big bite.
The Godfather of Rap: And yes he does curve a bit to the right.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: But I promise it will be all you ever need.
The Godfather of Rap: And even plant you with a fertile seed.
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: You’re welcome girl there is only one way to thank me.
The Godfather of Rap: Invite your room mate in here to make us a three!
Mr. Hip Hop Odin: Trust me baby she will be in love with the cocks.
The Godfather of Rap: For a lifetime, after she sees my Thick in a Box!!
(The two rappers show peace signs before walking off into the sunset in slow motion as the video ends with a star swipe.)
(We open on the music of “Jeopardy”. There is a big blue board made up of many TV screens is just to the right of the host of the show, an actor dressed up like Alex Trebek. Across the stage is three gaming stands set up with the contestants name on the front and a thin microphone coming from the top. The first actor is dressed up in purple suit with a fedora and the words Burt Orbit written on the front of the stand. The second actor is dressed with a green long sleeve shirt and jeans and has his name of Jeff Connery on the front of his gaming stand. And the last gaming stand has no one at it.)
Voice-Over Announcer: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy with your host...Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy, I am Alex Trebek. Tonight’s contestants include Burt Orbit.
Burt Orbit: Yeah, uh, shut up.
Alex Trebek: I was just taking a brief moment to introduce you.
Burt Orbit: Took forever, reminded me of one of them runner marathons.
Alex Trebek: Yes, okay. And our second contestant is Mr. Jeff Connery.
Jeff Connery: Suck it Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, thank you Mr. Connery. And our third contestant....wait, where is our third contestant?
Burt Orbit: I, uh, paid him off. You know giving me a better chance of winning, it’s called playing the odds.
Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever, let’s just get to the game.
Jeff Connery: Ready to play Trebek, reminds me of your mom last night.
Alex Trebek: Yes, okay, and the categories are.... 1980’s Professional Wrestling, Cage Matches, Seth Lerch, Finisher Moves, Entrance Music and Wrestling Gear. Mr. Orbit you get to pick first.
Burt Orbit: Quiet Trebek, I am going first! I will take, Cage Matches for one zero zero.
Alex Trebek: Also known as 100.
Burt Orbit: Yeah, that’s right, one red hund.
Alex Trebek: Yes, anyhow, the question is...You can win a cage match by doing one of two things.
Jeff Connery: (Buzzes in)...What is taking a shower and doing Trebek’s mom afterwards?
Alex Trebek: No, sorry, that is not correct.
Jeff Connery: Your mom makes me erect.
Alex Trebek: I said correct, not- never mind. Mr. Orbit, please pick another category.
Burt Orbit: I will take, uh, Celebrity Jeopardy.
Alex Trebek: That is not a category on the board.
Burt Orbit: But, uh, it says it right up there, in big words.
Alex Trebek: That is a sign for the show you are on.
Burt Orbit: Oh, well that’s confusing.
Alex Trebek: Not for a normal person I think, fine, I will just pick a category, here is 1980’s Professional Wrestling for 100....This WWF Superstar told kids to take their vitamins and referred to his arms as pythons.
Burt Orbit:.........
Jeff Connery:........
Alex Trebek: Are you serious? No one knows who I am talking about? Hulk...
Jeff Connery: (Buzzes in)...Green!
Alex Trebek: No, that is not correct.
Jeff Connery: I am pretty sure the hulk is green.
Alex Trebek: Not even close to what I was looking for.
Jeff Connery: That’s not what your mom said last night, Trebek, after I took off my pants!
Alex Trebek: Let’s please just keep going, Mr. Connery, it’s your turn to pick a category.
Jeff Connery: I will take Finish Moves for 100.
Alex Trebek: This was the name of Stone Cold’s famous finishing move.
Burt Orbit: (Buzzes in)....What is Helsinki.
Alex Trebek: No, sorry, that is incorrect. Wait, you know they are finishing movies, and not things about Finland right?
Burt Orbit: What is correct?
Alex Trebek: Mr. Orbit, remember I am the one who gives the correct answer.
Jeff Connery: Kind of like I gave it to your mom last night Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Alright, let’s move onto Final Jeopardy, I have had enough of this.
Jeff Connery: That isn’t what your mom was saying last night, Trebek!
Alex Trebek: Yes, indeed, now here is your Final Jeopardy question: Name a professional wrestler.
(The Jeopardy theme plays as the lights dim a bit while the two contestants begin to write down their answers. Soon the music wraps up and Alex Trebek walks over to the gaming stands.)
Alex Trebek: Alright, Mr. Orbit, you get to go first. You put down the answer of....Poop.
Burt Orbit: Poop. That’s a funny word.
Alex Trebek: Yes, but it is not correct...and your wager was...fart.
Burt Orbit: Fart, haha, another funny word.
Alex Trebek: Yes, let’s move on...Mr. Connery, what did you put as your answer?....Alex Trebek.
Jeff Connery: Hehe.
Alex Trebek: I don’t see what you are so proud of, that is the wrong answer...and you wagered, Sucks Dick.
Jeff Connery: Get it? Alex Trebek sucks dick!
Alex Trebek: Alright that is for sure all the time my patience has for the night. Once again both of your charities have lost a lot of money tonight due to your terrible play. Goodnight America.
(The actor playing Alex Trebek walks off rubbing his temples as Mr. Orbit and Mr. Connery high five.)
(Natural ICE Beckman is dressed in a suit, or at least the top of him is, as he shuffles some papers on his news desk. Some typical breaking news music wraps up as long as the studio audiences’ applause as ICE begins to speak.)
ICE: Hello and welcome to The WCF Bullshit Update. I am Natural ICE Beckman and this is the Fake News...
(ICE turns to a different camera shot as a graphic pops up over his shoulder that relates to the story he is bullshitting about.)
ICE: Everyone is really excited about the big XIII event, well everyone but Pantheon. I know the fans are excited for the match, especially ones that are heading to the event. Word is there is a contest for the fan that brings the best weapon for the wrestlers to use on one another. I personally am having my friends bring in a specialty made dildo mace to win the contest.
(ICE turns towards his third camera.)
ICE: A big World title match is in the works at the WCF next pay per view. Steve Orbit vs Jayson Price and there has been some tension from these two friends as of late. Reminds me of Hillary and Bill Clinton, she wants what he once had, being the President, and he wants nothing to do with her, especially her lady bits.
(ICE turns back to camera number one.)
ICE: We have a few brand new feuds beginning to come about in the WCF. Chase Michaels is trying to teach John Gable why being an actor in the world of wrestling is as effective as being a polar bear in the amazon. Meanwhile, Michaels is spending more time of late talking about why results in the ring don’t matter. All I know is between the actor and the biker, James Dean is rolling over in his grave these days.
(ICE looks straight ahead into camera two.)
ICE: Another feud that has begun to sprout up like a weed in the WCF garden is Logan vs Jeff Purse. Now Logan has gone all whack-a-doodle after he failed Team Psycho Hot Dog Beer Company. He is beginning to remind me of a little kid who needs his binky and a good long nap. I know I will be facing Jeff this week at XIII, so maybe I will use it as an opportunity to teach Jeff truly how to really hurt someone, then he can teach Logan the same lesson over and over until Logan is normal again.
(ICE swivels in his chair to the next camera.)
ICE: A lot of people are talking about Chelsea’s kidnapping in the city of Hollywood. And it has nothing to do with Gable being in an SPAC, trust me Gable hasn’t been anything but the butt of a joke in Hollywood in a long time. No, I guess why the kidnapping is making such headlines is due to actresses calling it newest the diet sensation, as one actress describes it: “being locked away from the paparazzi, with nothing but bread and water in my diet and all of it for free, Sign Me Up!”
(ICE Beckman turns to the next camera.)
ICE: Last time on Slam, Synn Roberts was seen being a hero by coming to the rescues of Marina and Stacy. However not everyone saw the actions as so “heroic”. In fact Synn’s wife was defiantly questioning his reasons for running out to save a pair of fine young divas. I am sure Synn will clear things up over time, but for now I hope the guy has a comfortable couch.
(ICE turns back to camera number one.)
ICE: Last Wednesday Night show ended with all the excitement of a World Cup Soccer Game, when Caliban and Colin Marshall ended their match with a draw. It was also reminded this reporter of the recent end to the National Spelling Bee. So there you go, Caliban and Colin, your matches are as interesting as soccer and a spelling bees. Try to match that kind of action other wrestling federations!
(ICE turns to the center camera.)
ICE: Lately the WCF tag team division is exploding with people aiming for the title belts. Hell, those titles are so sought after these days, they remind me of a decently attractive women showing up in a Philadelphia bar. They will have to deal with a whole lot of attempted grabbing only to go home with a doctor at the end of the night.
(ICE turns to the next shot.)
ICE: There are breaking bullshit reports, that Alex Richards has recently checked himself in a mental hospital after his recent loss to Logan on Slam. While early reports have Richards doing very good with his treatment to start out, one must take that report with a grain of sand since they are coming from someone calling himself, Dr. Richards.
(ICE goes back to the beginning shot.)
ICE: The WCF boss made a recent splash on Slam by announcing that all the titles will be defended on the next Slam PPV. While many WCF fans are excited about all this action, others are seeing it as just a ploy by the boss so fans don’t notice the latest increase in the purchase price of a PPV. Reports have that extra money going to the very important cause of Seth finally moving out of his mom’s basement.
(ICE turns to another camera.)
ICE: And lastly we have reports about Brent Alpine and his manager, Percy Micro. It seems that while Brent is trying to distance himself from his high-pitched talking manager, his is just not able to do so due to Micro’s mind games. I haven’t seen a client this afraid of their manager’s feelings since Michael Jackson’s dad managed the Jackson Five. At least those two were related; frankly I don’t understand what Alpine sees in a man who sounds and looks like a Mylar balloon.
(ICE shuffles his papers as he looks right into the camera.)
ICE: I am ICE Beckman, and this has been the WCF Bullshit Update, have a good night and remember next time you are bored, try bullshitting, as long as you think it’s funny that’s all that matters.
(ICE bundles the papers into a ball and throws it at the camera as the segment fades to black.)
(We open on a set that is designed to look like a high school library. Two actors come running onto the stage in black and red cheerleading outfits. One of the cheerleaders is a handsome man and the other is a perky cute gal.)
Overhead Announcement: ...And even though this is a chess tournament, the WCF High School has brought Cheerleaders, Dictor and Janes. Now good luck to today’s competitors and let the matches begin!
Janes: Wow, I can’t believe they said our names over the P.A.
Dictor: A man of my importance deserves no less.
Janes: Like, totally, or maybe it was cuz you gave him twenty bucks to do so.
Dictor: By any means, my dear.
Janes: Oh, look, Randle needs our help, ready for a cheer!
Dictor: If we must.
Janes: Ready, And..
Dictor: GO!
Janes and Dictor: Come on guys, come on boys, moves those pieces, like game toys!
Janes: When your rook gets knocked down.
Dictor: Don’t go and make a sad frown!
Janes: Instead, move your King before your opponent can think!
Dictor: Like when Price drops the roofie in his dates drink!
Janes and Dictor: GO WCF!! WOOO!! GOOO CHESS GUYS, WOOOO!!
(The two take a seat and begin to dab themselves with towels.)
Janes: Wow, that was a good one.
Dictor: I did do a good job, agreed.
Janes: Why do you think so highly of yourself?
Dictor: Why, wouldn’t I?
Janes: Because your one friend is a guy who mumbles to himself and you’re such a big loser that you have to be on the non-official cheerleading team with me?
Dictor: Whatever cheerleading team I am is instantly the best one.
Janes: But I thought you tried out for the real cheerleaders and they didn’t let you on after you attacked the team Capitan for making fun of your haircut.
Dictor: Time for another cheer, I think.
(The two run up and find their starting position with hands on hips.)
Janes: Ready, And...
Dictor: GO!!!!
Janes: How do the WCF students get to school?
Dictor: On a bus, a bus!
Janes: Who is that team is playing good chess?
Dictor: It’s Us, It’s us!
Janes: What was Corey Black’s boyhood nickname?
Dictor: Joke Bait, Joke Bait!!
Janes: And how are we going to win this game?
Dictor: Check Mate, Check Mate!!!
Janes and Dictor: GOOO CHESS!! WOOOO!!!
(They go back to relaxing in their chairs and squirting water into their mouths as they chat.)
Janes: That was a totally awesome cheer, really got the team going.
Dictor: Must you always be so happy and positive?
Janes: It’s my thing, like you thinking you are better than you are.
Dictor: Fine, it’s your thing, but must you always be so chipper.
Janes: Being happy is sometimes my thing and sometimes it’s really my thing, like right after gym class!
Dictor: You mean when you shower with the other girls?
Janes: Oh, time for another cheer, come on!
Dictor: But I want to hear more about happy shower time.
(Janes pulls Dictor up to their cheering spot.)
Janes: Ready, And....
Dictor: GOOOO!!
Janes: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Your weak moves gotta go!
Dictor: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Jonny Fly is a man Ho!
Janes: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Win the match with some grace!
Dictor: Hey! Hey! Ho Ho! Purse is Pantheon’s last place!
Janes and Dictor: WOOOO!!!! WCF CHESS TEAM RULES!!!
(The two cheerleaders head back to their chairs for a breather.)
Janes: OMG! That was downright cool!
Dictor: Speaking of OMG, here comes Max Bender, head of the chess team.
Janes: OMG! OMG!
Dictor: Keep cool, I will handle this.
(ICE Beckman’s skinny nerd friend Dee comes walking into the scene. He is playing the role of Max Bender.)
Max Bender: What are you two losers doing?!
Janes: We are giving our spirit to the whole team!
Dictor: Shhh, I said I would handle this.
Max Bender: It’s a chess tournament! There shouldn’t be cheerleaders!
Dictor: Don’t worry Max, we are helping!
Max Bender: You’re not even making sense; you keep bringing up people I’ve never heard of.
Janes: We are just trying to help!
(Max Bender storms off the stage as Dictor and Janes slump down in their chairs with sad faces.)
Dictor: That didn’t go well at all.
Janes: You know what we need?
Dictor: A ride home from our parents?
Janes: No, we need....The Perfect Cheer!!
(Like a blast their spirits are lifted as they run up to the cheer mark.)
Janes: Today is Bananas, it’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Dictor: Today is Bananas, it’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Janes: Orbit is a Chumpion, C-H-U-M-P-I-O-N!
Dictor: Orbit is a Chumpion, C-H-U-M-P-I-O-N!
Janes: He has beat no one, N-O-O-N-E!
Dictor: He has beat no one, N-O-O-N-E!
Janes and Dictor: WOOOO!! GO WCF CHESS TEAM!!! WOOOOO!!
(The two cheer with raised hands and claps as the audience cheers them to the next break in the show.)
(We open on the live stage to see fake grass in front of a white house with a red roof. The fans clap as two actors come walking onto the stage. They are dressed like a stereotypical 50’s married couple, except for one major difference; they have giant blocks for heads! They are holding a communication device that is speaking to them with a robotic voice, which is a staple of the blockhead people.)
Blockhead Communication Voice: This is your Leader, #45249, welcome to your next mission, getting to know life on Earth. You both will have new identities while here on earth. You will no longer be known as #98743, rather you will be the husband in the family known as Mr. Black Blockhead. And you, #26710, will now be known as Mrs. Jonna Blockhead. Now go and explore your new planet.
(Mr. Black Blockhead turns off the alien communication device and then looks at his new “wife”.)
Mr. Black Blockhead: Hmm, you were a man back on our home planet of Pantheon.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Hmm, indeed, I welcome the change.
Mr. Black Blockhead: How so?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Just feels right.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Oh my, what is that large mass in the sky?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I think they call it sun.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Isn’t that what I call my offspring?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I believe it is.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Then that must be my child in the sky.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Hello seedling, thank you for warming my strange human flesh.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Look other humans.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Remember to not let them know we are aliens.
(A pair of actors playing the neighbor couple comes walking into the fake yard on the stage.)
Mr. Black Blockhead: Hello fellow humans, we are the Blockheads.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: We are married and looking into have intercourse in order have another son.
Mr. Johnson: Okie dokie, well, I am Bob Johnson and this is my wife, Mary Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Welcome to the neighborhood. You said you have a boy, what’s his name?
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I call him Son, he makes my flesh warm.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh, that’s so cute. We have a couple kids ourselves.
Mr. Johnson: We will have to have you over sometime to meet the rest of the neighbors.
Mr. Black Blockhead: More humans to meet; that would be something to do.
Mrs. Johnson: Well I will admit some of them are a bit strange. There is the Mr. and Mrs. Shadow, she is often away traveling and he is always cleaning that car of his in his driveway. Then next to them is the Armstrongs, but lately they have been going through some things for sure, not that l like to gossip. But get a few glasses of wine and me and I will tell you when I lost my virginity. Hehe, I’m just kidding, or am I?...Hehehehe..
Mr. Black Blockhead: You are an undesirable human in which to be around.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Yes, indeed, you are not enjoyable to interact with.
Mr. Johnson: Hey Now, that’s my wife you’re talking about!!
Mr. Black Blockhead: I fear we have offended you.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: If so, we do apologize and would just ask for you a quick DNA sample before we part ways.
Mrs. Johnson: DNA sample? Let me guess, you two are scientists. Oh hun, give them a break, they spend all their time in a lab.
Mr. Johnson: Oh haha, well then I am sorry, I know you science people don’t get out too much.
Mr. Black Blockhead: You seem to be okay with us again.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Good, now if you would just bend over for that DNA sample that would be more than good.
Mrs. Johnson: You two are a laugh riot! You know what Howard, we should have them met Mr. Lerch and his wife.
Mr. Johnson: I don’t know Mary; I haven’t seen Slaney in a few weeks.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh that’s a shame, guess what I heard about him being like in the bedroom was true after all.
Mr. Black Blockhead: You like to talk about other’s lives a lot. Then you must be interested in our bedtime moments.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: I prefer....scanning random sexual positions....Anal Sex!
Mrs. Johnson: Well now, that language is a little R rated for us. I think we have to go now.
Mr. Black Blockhead: Well then have a good time back in your designated space.
Mr. Johnson: Okie dokie, you as well, good neighbors.
Mrs. Jonna Blockhead: Indeed, we will, especially when it comes to the intercourse.
Mrs. Johnson: Well isn’t that special!!
Mr. Black Blockhead: Yes, tonight we will try....scanning sexual positions...a sixty nine!
(The crowd laughs as the alien couple walks one way off the stage and the typical neighbor couple walks the other way off the stage. The show comes to an end with some studio audience applause followed by some quick credits.)
A few days later....
(The promo is now back in Foam Lake, Wisconsin, home of Natural ICE Beckman and his lake front cabin. ICE Beckman is sitting on his dock, throwing small pebbles into Foam Lake. The sun is beginning to set in the distance as ICE burps, signaling the conclusion of another beer. ICE is watching the ripples produced by the pebbles while in deep thought as John Beckman walks out of the cabin. John instantly swats a few mosquitos away as he looks over to his younger brother at the dock. John walks over and joins his brother on the dock’s built in bench. )
John: So, how was your rant?
ICE: Oh yeah, that, um, it was short but sweet.
John: Did you really give it to Pantheon? Remind them why you are the King of Sting?
ICE: Actually I haven’t said a word out loud.
John: You know I don’t pay extra for the cameraman to hide in the bushes to capture you’re best thinking man impressions, right?
ICE: Don’t worry; I don’t need to bother talking about Pantheon to prove my hate for them.
John: What the fuck did you just say?
ICE: I am just saying my drive to defeat Pantheon reached its breaking point moments after Restarted Seth decided to continue the Trios Cup Finale. Since then it’s really all I have been thinking about.
John: Then why did I find you out here....in silence?
ICE: I was just thinking.
John: That doesn’t sound right.
ICE: You are starting to sound like father and grandfather....Focus, focus, focus.
John: All I am saying is well...focus...you need to really think about what you are getting yourself into at XIII. It is going to be hell inside cages, against the best the WCF can offer in Pantheon.
ICE: That’s true....but...
John: But what?
ICE: Her touch was-well, I mean her laugh was so, I mean our moments were fleeting, but yet they are lasting a lifetime within my thoughts, you know?
John: You better be talking about your new dog.
ICE: You know who I am talking about.
John: I thought your original plan for her was just a little bit of fun in order to win a match.
ICE: Things have grown since then...things inside me have begun to stir.
John: Those “things” are called emotions.
ICE: Whatever they are, they are getting rather annoying...and at the same time addicting.
John: She is a married woman, with a child; she is not going to be yours, not sort of, not ever!
ICE: Don’t like %50 of marriages end in divorce?
John: You need to fucking get your mind straight and you need to do it right fucking now.
ICE: I am ready for a fight...
John: I know you are always ready for a fight, but are you ready for a war?
ICE: I am. I am ready...for the next level.
John: Then you need to prove it at XIII.
ICE: I will, I will...and then afterwards I will dream of her head on my shoulder once again.
John: Oh brother.
ICE: Yes?
John: I was just expressing my frustration.
ICE: Sounds likes my plans for XIII.
(ICE Beckman watches a few ducks fly off the lake in order to return to their nests as John shakes his head at his younger brother’s misdirected mind. ICE grabs a few more pebbles to throw into the lake as the promo comes to an end.)
XIII Night Live
