Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2014 20:29:26 GMT -5
Credit - Donny Vanello of GrappleTree.com
It was a fractious Tuesday morning in castle GrappleTree. The weekly stats were casting a long shadow over us and I was running on three hours sleep due to my toddler's firm insistence that Seifer Black Armstrong was under her bed playing chess with our cat. Website hits had fallen 20% below their monthly average, magazine sales had plummeted to embarrassing lows and our main affiliate had dropped us (screw you, DDP Yoga).
My editor, not regarded as a reasonable man at the best of times (LIES! - ed), prowled to my desk like a komodo dragon on roids. He demanded an exclusive blockbuster that would shake the world and restore us to our rightful position as the number one wrestling dirtsheet on the net. If I didn't produce it by the end of the week, I was to be relieved of my duties. No pressure, then.
Speculative calls to the likes of Jonny Fly, Buddy Roman and Seth Lerch proved more prickly than my recent whiskey inspired crack, back and sack wax. As per usual, the WCF headquarters was as inaccessible as a military base. My so called sources were drier than a nun's poon.
Friday at 5PM usually doesn't come quick enough but yesterday, I was dreading each minute nearer it ticked on. When it finally arrived, I was still without any significant scoop beyond 'Dog barks Oblivion theme'. My heart sunk when the inevitable happened - the komodo dragon breathed a fiery pink slip on my desk. Disgraced, I packed up my things and left the building like a killer on death row.
Outside, I was just about to enter the car that I would soon have to sell due to my newly unemployed status. That's when everything went black. A bag was put over my head and I was dragged into a moving vehicle. My firing suddenly seemed like a triviality and all sorts of thoughts collided in my brain. Was I about to meet a grisly demise? Was I being kidnapped by the Taliban (or, even worse, Caliban)?
I awoke in what looked like the inside of a spaceship. Silver walls, buttons and monitors everywhere, bizarre gadgets and a claustrophobic ellipse structure that looked as if it would close in on me any second. Just as I feared that aliens had abducted me, I noticed a small creature sniffing at my feet. I had never been so happy to see Percy Micro in my life!
Using his famous collar mic and camera, Percy explained to me that his mysterious boss had chosen me to conduct his first one to one interview. Why me? Apparently I'm too stupid to twist his words. Gee thanks.
Percy arrived in the WCF shortly after Brent Alpine's debut. The teacup pig initially appeared to be merely a comedy sidekick, albeit one who would manage Alpine to the TV Title and an impressive undefeated streak. His psychological deconstructions of anyone who stepped into the ring with 'The Shine' (now 'The Vine') made him a hated, though somewhat amusing figure to the WCF galaxy. However, he took a sinister turn and it became clear that he was being operated by a team of students representing an as yet unknown WCF superstar. Percy was their 'proxy' to get into the head of the young Australian and derail his promising career before it begun. As this manipulation became more blatant, Alpine seemed to spiral into meltdown territory.
Just when it seemed that Alpine removed his blinkers, he fell back under Percy's spell when he became convinced that he couldn't win without his micro pig companion. This seems to be justified as he has picked up wins against two former WCF World Champions in Johnny Reb and Nathan von Liebert in his last two Slam matches. Meanwhile, the mystery into the identity of Percy's boss is intensifying and speculation is rampant.
Although the interview opportunity was sprung on me, I endeavoured to delve into the dark and elusive world of Percy Micro. Enjoy!
Donny Vanello: Percy, I would be remiss not to ask the big question in the hope of an exclusive... who is your boss?
Percy Micro: Needless to say, I cannot reveal that yet. Let me compromise and give you a large hint, if that is desirable?
Donny Vanello: Yes please!
Percy Micro: This clue will make it obvious. It is a one word clue. That word is... excellence. My boss exudes excellence in all he does. When you watch his matches or hear him speak, the word that will be going through your mind is 'excellence'. That narrows the suspects down significantly. In fact, to anyone with a modicum of taste, my boss' identity will now be as obvious as the sky is blue.
Donny Vanello: But sometimes the sky isn't blue...
Percy Micro: It is always blue when my boss is around.
Donny Vanello: Can you maybe give us a more illuminating clue?
Percy Micro: OK. Brilliance. That is the other clue. My boss is most brilliant.
Donny Vanello: Never mind. What can you tell us about the recent rumours that you have been pictured with Bobby Cairo?
Percy Micro: Bobby is indeed the Godfather of Professional Wrestling and is revered in this industry. All I can disclose is that my boss is someone of such status, if not higher. Do not forget, though, that there are numerous rumours about my boss and that certain entities will use this to their advantage. There will be a myriad of nobodies and faded forces who will attach themselves to me in the hope that people think of them as my master. This is the reality of the controversy and power that we wield. I urge you, therefore, to discern the speculation carefully. Does the rumoured figure represent greatness? If not, you can rule them out instantly. As for Mr. Cairo, I will let you ponder as to whether he falls under that category.
Donny Vanello: What are your, or should I say your boss' intentions?
Percy Micro: Project Percy Micro, like all ground breaking ventures, is fluid and ever evolving. The objective was originally to obtain full intel on Brent Alpine by integrating myself into his life and affections. While my boss never really considered Alpine a threat, he is a man of due diligence and finds humour in taking the competition at least somewhat seriously. It's a courtesy he does not need to extend, given his superior talent, but he is a man of respect. Mr. Alpine amused him and intrigued him. Think of it like studying a fly under a microscope. It offers no danger but is a fun thing to poke at.
Donny Vanello: Brent himself acknowledged that he's a broken man. Why then are you still associating yourself with him and not targeting, say, Pantheon members?
Percy Micro: What is to say that I am not connected to Pantheon? If my boss felt any degree of concern about any WCF superstar, he would take the necessary action. However, to date, that has never happened and never will. I am merely his proxy. The truth is that he has grown to like Mr. Alpine like a child would warm to an old teddy bear. My boss can get anything he wants. He can achieve any wrestling accolade, he has unlimited resources and no pleasure can be denied him. He is not a man of motivations and desire like every pathetic mortal in the WCF. What can you give a man who has it all? Brent Alpine is simply a mild and unimportant hobby which I am honoured to be a vehicle towards. One day he will get bored and crush Alpine but, for now, he is happy to pull the strings however he pleases.
Donny Vanello: If he is so omnipotent, why doesn't he target Alpine himself?
Percy Micro: He has the ability to crush or nurture Mr. Alpine using any means he wishes. I was simply the most entertaining idea he conjured at the time.
Donny Vanello: But why you? Why a teacup pig and not, say, a beautiful woman? Surely that would be more of an enticing means of manipulation?
Percy Micro: A beautiful woman would be too clichéd. Millions of men have been twisted in the honey trap. My boss is far more inventive than that. Why this little pig you see before you? The juxtaposition is sweet. My words are carried in the body of a benign, weak and clumsy creature. I, however, am anything but. I am cruel and precise. I am numerous people and numerous voices but I fall under one single banner. 'Percy Micro' isn't a team of students or a miniature pig with a voicebox. 'Percy Micro' isn't a concept, philosophy or religion. I am simply a proxy for the most powerful man in the wrestling industry.
Donny Vanello: So your boss is a federation owner like WCF's Seth Lerch or Vince McMahon of the minor promotion WWE?
Percy Micro: A federation owner is not the most powerful man in that company, Donny. Seth Lerch needs stars or he'll be ruined. If it weren't for my boss, Seth Lerch would not still be where he is today. With one snap of my boss' fingers, Mr. Lerch could suddenly end up asking 'do you want fries with that?'. My boss has the power to make or break anyone in the WCF. He could end your career on the spot.
Donny Vanello: Hmm... So what's next for you?
Percy Micro: I do only what I am told and nothing more or less. The current plan is to mentor Mr. Alpine to somewhere resembling a vague challenge for my boss. That will take a long time but Alpine has a slight hope unlike most of the roster. Beyond that, my boss may decide that he wants to destroy other WCF wrestlers. He could do that himself but I am a fun game that occasionally he likes to pull out of the cupboard.
Donny Vanello: On Twitter, you have shown an aptitude for giving agony aunt style advice. How did you develop such a sensitivity to the human condition?
Percy Micro: Barring an extremely select few, human beings are pathetically predictable creatures. They love their moronic emotions which only cloud their ability to rationalise. I, and moreso my boss, are greatly experienced in life and incredibly well learned. Experience, however, isn't everything. For example, one does not need to stick their hand in an oven to discover the dangers of extreme heat. I am able to advise people in their deepest issues because everything can be overcome with logic and reason. I do not need to become a pig to get them out of the mud. No pun intended. They all have these grand dramas that seem so gigantic and intricate to their mediocre minds. I care not for emotion and it's follies. That is what makes me a highly proficient councillor.
Donny Vanello: Speaking of the human psyche, what are your thoughts on the recent California shootings?
Percy Micro: What are my thoughts on a young man slaying seven people all because girls did not want to copulate with him? It is utterly disgraceful. I mean, what type of maniac would even want girls to copulate with him? Women are pointless emotional beings who contribute nothing to the progress of mankind except for the lending of their wombs. All they do is coo over young babies and feed them with inane notions of love and sentimentality. Many a potential great man has been destroyed by the malaise of the XX chromosome. What a terrible motivation to murder.
Donny Vanello: What are your political leanings, Percy?
Percy Micro: I have none. My boss has risen far beyond the mindless laws, limitations and initiatives of society. In his employ, I benefit from the utopia that he governs.
Donny Vanello: Do you have any interests? Is there any music you like? Films?
Percy Micro: Art is a distraction used to dull the masses. Just like the WCF in fact. My only enjoyments and indulgences are dictated to me by my boss. That is the way I like it.
Donny Vanello: OK, I see we're going down the wrong line of communication. Back to Brent Alpine. He seems to be under your authority and guidance but refuses to part with Sequitus. Will you accept this?
Percy Micro: Mr. Alpine is largely a blank canvas. He is easily influenced which is both a blessing and a curse. He is also foolishly loyal. That loyalty has made it hard for him to leave Sequitus despite the obvious conclusion that they are a sinking ship... or, more accurately, a row boat that has never and will never set sail. A row boat with enormous holes in it. The biggest being that insolent Caliban who I will delight in putting down like the yappy puppy he is. I have been patient and merciful for long enough. It is time that I annihilate Sequitus and cease this puerile allegiance. I will force Mr. Alpine to ditch Sequitus forever. I hereby announce that at XIII, he will make the only reasonable choice. He will leave Sequitus and submit fully to my rule. In the unlikely event that he refuses, I will bring devastation to him.
Donny Vanello: How will you do t...
At this point in the interview, I sensed a malevolent presence behind me. It was creepy and made the hair on the back of my head stand up just like the first time I watched The Exorcist as a child. But far more real. Everything went to blackness as the bag was slung over my head once more. I was thrown with inhuman force into what I imagine was a van and was sent on another uncomfortable and petrifying journey.
I was later discovered at the doorway of GrappleTree offices by our horrified office secretary Janine. She took off the straw bag covering my head and offered to call the police. Happily, I refused. I made a beeline for my editor and managed to get my job back with the exclusive that you are reading now.
The headline story is undoubtedly that, at XIII, Brent Alpine will have to choose between Percy Micro and Sequitus.
Percy Micro raised more questions than he gave answers. What's certain is that I owe my employment to him and the unfolding mystery will certainly provide me lots of material over the coming weeks, months and, who knows... maybe years. I will stop short of saying thank you though. Ten minutes in his company has shown me that Percy Micro is not a nice person. Or pig. Or whatever he is. In fact, he is downright chilling. I don't know who his boss is but all I know is that Brent Alpine and the WCF roster are in trouble. Real trouble.
It was a fractious Tuesday morning in castle GrappleTree. The weekly stats were casting a long shadow over us and I was running on three hours sleep due to my toddler's firm insistence that Seifer Black Armstrong was under her bed playing chess with our cat. Website hits had fallen 20% below their monthly average, magazine sales had plummeted to embarrassing lows and our main affiliate had dropped us (screw you, DDP Yoga).
My editor, not regarded as a reasonable man at the best of times (LIES! - ed), prowled to my desk like a komodo dragon on roids. He demanded an exclusive blockbuster that would shake the world and restore us to our rightful position as the number one wrestling dirtsheet on the net. If I didn't produce it by the end of the week, I was to be relieved of my duties. No pressure, then.
Speculative calls to the likes of Jonny Fly, Buddy Roman and Seth Lerch proved more prickly than my recent whiskey inspired crack, back and sack wax. As per usual, the WCF headquarters was as inaccessible as a military base. My so called sources were drier than a nun's poon.
Friday at 5PM usually doesn't come quick enough but yesterday, I was dreading each minute nearer it ticked on. When it finally arrived, I was still without any significant scoop beyond 'Dog barks Oblivion theme'. My heart sunk when the inevitable happened - the komodo dragon breathed a fiery pink slip on my desk. Disgraced, I packed up my things and left the building like a killer on death row.
Outside, I was just about to enter the car that I would soon have to sell due to my newly unemployed status. That's when everything went black. A bag was put over my head and I was dragged into a moving vehicle. My firing suddenly seemed like a triviality and all sorts of thoughts collided in my brain. Was I about to meet a grisly demise? Was I being kidnapped by the Taliban (or, even worse, Caliban)?
I awoke in what looked like the inside of a spaceship. Silver walls, buttons and monitors everywhere, bizarre gadgets and a claustrophobic ellipse structure that looked as if it would close in on me any second. Just as I feared that aliens had abducted me, I noticed a small creature sniffing at my feet. I had never been so happy to see Percy Micro in my life!
Using his famous collar mic and camera, Percy explained to me that his mysterious boss had chosen me to conduct his first one to one interview. Why me? Apparently I'm too stupid to twist his words. Gee thanks.
Percy arrived in the WCF shortly after Brent Alpine's debut. The teacup pig initially appeared to be merely a comedy sidekick, albeit one who would manage Alpine to the TV Title and an impressive undefeated streak. His psychological deconstructions of anyone who stepped into the ring with 'The Shine' (now 'The Vine') made him a hated, though somewhat amusing figure to the WCF galaxy. However, he took a sinister turn and it became clear that he was being operated by a team of students representing an as yet unknown WCF superstar. Percy was their 'proxy' to get into the head of the young Australian and derail his promising career before it begun. As this manipulation became more blatant, Alpine seemed to spiral into meltdown territory.
Just when it seemed that Alpine removed his blinkers, he fell back under Percy's spell when he became convinced that he couldn't win without his micro pig companion. This seems to be justified as he has picked up wins against two former WCF World Champions in Johnny Reb and Nathan von Liebert in his last two Slam matches. Meanwhile, the mystery into the identity of Percy's boss is intensifying and speculation is rampant.
Although the interview opportunity was sprung on me, I endeavoured to delve into the dark and elusive world of Percy Micro. Enjoy!
Donny Vanello: Percy, I would be remiss not to ask the big question in the hope of an exclusive... who is your boss?
Percy Micro: Needless to say, I cannot reveal that yet. Let me compromise and give you a large hint, if that is desirable?
Donny Vanello: Yes please!
Percy Micro: This clue will make it obvious. It is a one word clue. That word is... excellence. My boss exudes excellence in all he does. When you watch his matches or hear him speak, the word that will be going through your mind is 'excellence'. That narrows the suspects down significantly. In fact, to anyone with a modicum of taste, my boss' identity will now be as obvious as the sky is blue.
Donny Vanello: But sometimes the sky isn't blue...
Percy Micro: It is always blue when my boss is around.
Donny Vanello: Can you maybe give us a more illuminating clue?
Percy Micro: OK. Brilliance. That is the other clue. My boss is most brilliant.
Donny Vanello: Never mind. What can you tell us about the recent rumours that you have been pictured with Bobby Cairo?
Percy Micro: Bobby is indeed the Godfather of Professional Wrestling and is revered in this industry. All I can disclose is that my boss is someone of such status, if not higher. Do not forget, though, that there are numerous rumours about my boss and that certain entities will use this to their advantage. There will be a myriad of nobodies and faded forces who will attach themselves to me in the hope that people think of them as my master. This is the reality of the controversy and power that we wield. I urge you, therefore, to discern the speculation carefully. Does the rumoured figure represent greatness? If not, you can rule them out instantly. As for Mr. Cairo, I will let you ponder as to whether he falls under that category.
Donny Vanello: What are your, or should I say your boss' intentions?
Percy Micro: Project Percy Micro, like all ground breaking ventures, is fluid and ever evolving. The objective was originally to obtain full intel on Brent Alpine by integrating myself into his life and affections. While my boss never really considered Alpine a threat, he is a man of due diligence and finds humour in taking the competition at least somewhat seriously. It's a courtesy he does not need to extend, given his superior talent, but he is a man of respect. Mr. Alpine amused him and intrigued him. Think of it like studying a fly under a microscope. It offers no danger but is a fun thing to poke at.
Donny Vanello: Brent himself acknowledged that he's a broken man. Why then are you still associating yourself with him and not targeting, say, Pantheon members?
Percy Micro: What is to say that I am not connected to Pantheon? If my boss felt any degree of concern about any WCF superstar, he would take the necessary action. However, to date, that has never happened and never will. I am merely his proxy. The truth is that he has grown to like Mr. Alpine like a child would warm to an old teddy bear. My boss can get anything he wants. He can achieve any wrestling accolade, he has unlimited resources and no pleasure can be denied him. He is not a man of motivations and desire like every pathetic mortal in the WCF. What can you give a man who has it all? Brent Alpine is simply a mild and unimportant hobby which I am honoured to be a vehicle towards. One day he will get bored and crush Alpine but, for now, he is happy to pull the strings however he pleases.
Donny Vanello: If he is so omnipotent, why doesn't he target Alpine himself?
Percy Micro: He has the ability to crush or nurture Mr. Alpine using any means he wishes. I was simply the most entertaining idea he conjured at the time.
Donny Vanello: But why you? Why a teacup pig and not, say, a beautiful woman? Surely that would be more of an enticing means of manipulation?
Percy Micro: A beautiful woman would be too clichéd. Millions of men have been twisted in the honey trap. My boss is far more inventive than that. Why this little pig you see before you? The juxtaposition is sweet. My words are carried in the body of a benign, weak and clumsy creature. I, however, am anything but. I am cruel and precise. I am numerous people and numerous voices but I fall under one single banner. 'Percy Micro' isn't a team of students or a miniature pig with a voicebox. 'Percy Micro' isn't a concept, philosophy or religion. I am simply a proxy for the most powerful man in the wrestling industry.
Donny Vanello: So your boss is a federation owner like WCF's Seth Lerch or Vince McMahon of the minor promotion WWE?
Percy Micro: A federation owner is not the most powerful man in that company, Donny. Seth Lerch needs stars or he'll be ruined. If it weren't for my boss, Seth Lerch would not still be where he is today. With one snap of my boss' fingers, Mr. Lerch could suddenly end up asking 'do you want fries with that?'. My boss has the power to make or break anyone in the WCF. He could end your career on the spot.
Donny Vanello: Hmm... So what's next for you?
Percy Micro: I do only what I am told and nothing more or less. The current plan is to mentor Mr. Alpine to somewhere resembling a vague challenge for my boss. That will take a long time but Alpine has a slight hope unlike most of the roster. Beyond that, my boss may decide that he wants to destroy other WCF wrestlers. He could do that himself but I am a fun game that occasionally he likes to pull out of the cupboard.
Donny Vanello: On Twitter, you have shown an aptitude for giving agony aunt style advice. How did you develop such a sensitivity to the human condition?
Percy Micro: Barring an extremely select few, human beings are pathetically predictable creatures. They love their moronic emotions which only cloud their ability to rationalise. I, and moreso my boss, are greatly experienced in life and incredibly well learned. Experience, however, isn't everything. For example, one does not need to stick their hand in an oven to discover the dangers of extreme heat. I am able to advise people in their deepest issues because everything can be overcome with logic and reason. I do not need to become a pig to get them out of the mud. No pun intended. They all have these grand dramas that seem so gigantic and intricate to their mediocre minds. I care not for emotion and it's follies. That is what makes me a highly proficient councillor.
Donny Vanello: Speaking of the human psyche, what are your thoughts on the recent California shootings?
Percy Micro: What are my thoughts on a young man slaying seven people all because girls did not want to copulate with him? It is utterly disgraceful. I mean, what type of maniac would even want girls to copulate with him? Women are pointless emotional beings who contribute nothing to the progress of mankind except for the lending of their wombs. All they do is coo over young babies and feed them with inane notions of love and sentimentality. Many a potential great man has been destroyed by the malaise of the XX chromosome. What a terrible motivation to murder.
Donny Vanello: What are your political leanings, Percy?
Percy Micro: I have none. My boss has risen far beyond the mindless laws, limitations and initiatives of society. In his employ, I benefit from the utopia that he governs.
Donny Vanello: Do you have any interests? Is there any music you like? Films?
Percy Micro: Art is a distraction used to dull the masses. Just like the WCF in fact. My only enjoyments and indulgences are dictated to me by my boss. That is the way I like it.
Donny Vanello: OK, I see we're going down the wrong line of communication. Back to Brent Alpine. He seems to be under your authority and guidance but refuses to part with Sequitus. Will you accept this?
Percy Micro: Mr. Alpine is largely a blank canvas. He is easily influenced which is both a blessing and a curse. He is also foolishly loyal. That loyalty has made it hard for him to leave Sequitus despite the obvious conclusion that they are a sinking ship... or, more accurately, a row boat that has never and will never set sail. A row boat with enormous holes in it. The biggest being that insolent Caliban who I will delight in putting down like the yappy puppy he is. I have been patient and merciful for long enough. It is time that I annihilate Sequitus and cease this puerile allegiance. I will force Mr. Alpine to ditch Sequitus forever. I hereby announce that at XIII, he will make the only reasonable choice. He will leave Sequitus and submit fully to my rule. In the unlikely event that he refuses, I will bring devastation to him.
Donny Vanello: How will you do t...
At this point in the interview, I sensed a malevolent presence behind me. It was creepy and made the hair on the back of my head stand up just like the first time I watched The Exorcist as a child. But far more real. Everything went to blackness as the bag was slung over my head once more. I was thrown with inhuman force into what I imagine was a van and was sent on another uncomfortable and petrifying journey.
I was later discovered at the doorway of GrappleTree offices by our horrified office secretary Janine. She took off the straw bag covering my head and offered to call the police. Happily, I refused. I made a beeline for my editor and managed to get my job back with the exclusive that you are reading now.
The headline story is undoubtedly that, at XIII, Brent Alpine will have to choose between Percy Micro and Sequitus.
Percy Micro raised more questions than he gave answers. What's certain is that I owe my employment to him and the unfolding mystery will certainly provide me lots of material over the coming weeks, months and, who knows... maybe years. I will stop short of saying thank you though. Ten minutes in his company has shown me that Percy Micro is not a nice person. Or pig. Or whatever he is. In fact, he is downright chilling. I don't know who his boss is but all I know is that Brent Alpine and the WCF roster are in trouble. Real trouble.
