Press Conference Regarding Jonny Fly's Injury
May 27, 2014 22:36:24 GMT -5
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Post by Jonny Fly on May 27, 2014 22:36:24 GMT -5
We begin at Jonny Fly’s Mansion. Fly sits on his couch, right index finger taped to his middle finger, sunglasses on, and his face weathered from the last 24 hours of pain he’s endured. Fly has allowed several WCF staffers and reporters into his house to answer questions pertaining to his gruesome injury. He opens up the press conference.
Fly: Thank you all for coming. I know there have been rumors, but I’m here today to confirm that the unthinkable has happened. After over a decade of being superhuman, I, Jonathan Fly, have been injured.
Fly holds up his hand to accentuate his point.
Fly: It hurts so bad guys. I wish you could all feel the pain I am in. I’ve been in communication with some of the world’s best doctors, and each of them have advised me that I could probably go out and wrestle right now. So with that said, I’d like to announce that I will be taking a minimum of four weeks off to let my finger heal properly. Making grown men and women into Flyjobbers is tough business, I want to make sure I am 100% before I come back. Now, I’d like to open up the floor for questions.
A random reporter raises her hand. Fly points (using his good hand of course) to the reporter, instructing her to ask her question.
Reporter #1: Have charges been filed and if so do they have a suspect in custody for this horrendous assault?
Fly: The suspect’s name is Felicia. She’s a hooker. I’ve been in conversations with her pimp, Steven Orbit, who is appropriately reprimanding her. I expect that Steve and I will be able to work out some sort of “hooker coupon” deal where I get certain considerations in future hooker transactions from him to compensate me for the damages incurred.
Fly points to the next reporter.
Reporter #2: Did you injure your finger by sticking it up Steve Orbit’s ass?
Fly: I’m not going to lie to you; there were a lot of people in the room. It was a Pantheon after-party after all. I can’t say with certainty where my finger went over the course of the night, but as I mentioned earlier the prime suspect is hooker Felicia and she is being dealt with for her part in this terrible tragedy.
Fly points to the next reporter.
Reporter #3: Will this injury at all hamper your sex game, or do you have back-up moves for such scenarios?
Fly: Good question. Probably the number one question on the mind of Flydophiles across the globe. I've only had sex three times today, and that's not a large enough sample to draw any specific conclusions at this point. So far so good, I've just had to cut certain foreplay out of the agenda for the time being. I'm just hoping for the best.
Next reporter, next question.
Reporter #4: You were scheduled to compete at XIII in June. Does this injury mean that you will not be able to compete?
Fly: Another good question. The answer right now is no, I will not be able to compete. If my finger recovers ahead of schedule, it’s a possibility. There are still a lot of unknowns at this point. Right now I’m just trying to focus on my recovery.
…
Fly: Alright, no more questions. I’d like to make one last announcement before we conclude this evening. Right now I am not able to perform my normal duties of bringing wit and wisdom to the WCF Twitter world. Therefore, I’ve hired an intern to write my tweets as I tell him. Aaron, roll on in here…
Handicapable former WCF superstar turned quadraplegic Aaron Miles rolls into the room on his Stephen Hawking machine. Miles is smiling, we think, very happy for his newest gig as Jonny Fly’s intern.
Fly: If Aaron could talk without the use of a computer, he’d want everyone to know that he’s really excited to be back in WCF, sort of, and ready to get to work! That concludes this press conference. Thank you for all ending.
The end.
Fly: Thank you all for coming. I know there have been rumors, but I’m here today to confirm that the unthinkable has happened. After over a decade of being superhuman, I, Jonathan Fly, have been injured.
Fly holds up his hand to accentuate his point.
Fly: It hurts so bad guys. I wish you could all feel the pain I am in. I’ve been in communication with some of the world’s best doctors, and each of them have advised me that I could probably go out and wrestle right now. So with that said, I’d like to announce that I will be taking a minimum of four weeks off to let my finger heal properly. Making grown men and women into Flyjobbers is tough business, I want to make sure I am 100% before I come back. Now, I’d like to open up the floor for questions.
A random reporter raises her hand. Fly points (using his good hand of course) to the reporter, instructing her to ask her question.
Reporter #1: Have charges been filed and if so do they have a suspect in custody for this horrendous assault?
Fly: The suspect’s name is Felicia. She’s a hooker. I’ve been in conversations with her pimp, Steven Orbit, who is appropriately reprimanding her. I expect that Steve and I will be able to work out some sort of “hooker coupon” deal where I get certain considerations in future hooker transactions from him to compensate me for the damages incurred.
Fly points to the next reporter.
Reporter #2: Did you injure your finger by sticking it up Steve Orbit’s ass?
Fly: I’m not going to lie to you; there were a lot of people in the room. It was a Pantheon after-party after all. I can’t say with certainty where my finger went over the course of the night, but as I mentioned earlier the prime suspect is hooker Felicia and she is being dealt with for her part in this terrible tragedy.
Fly points to the next reporter.
Reporter #3: Will this injury at all hamper your sex game, or do you have back-up moves for such scenarios?
Fly: Good question. Probably the number one question on the mind of Flydophiles across the globe. I've only had sex three times today, and that's not a large enough sample to draw any specific conclusions at this point. So far so good, I've just had to cut certain foreplay out of the agenda for the time being. I'm just hoping for the best.
Next reporter, next question.
Reporter #4: You were scheduled to compete at XIII in June. Does this injury mean that you will not be able to compete?
Fly: Another good question. The answer right now is no, I will not be able to compete. If my finger recovers ahead of schedule, it’s a possibility. There are still a lot of unknowns at this point. Right now I’m just trying to focus on my recovery.
…
Fly: Alright, no more questions. I’d like to make one last announcement before we conclude this evening. Right now I am not able to perform my normal duties of bringing wit and wisdom to the WCF Twitter world. Therefore, I’ve hired an intern to write my tweets as I tell him. Aaron, roll on in here…
Handicapable former WCF superstar turned quadraplegic Aaron Miles rolls into the room on his Stephen Hawking machine. Miles is smiling, we think, very happy for his newest gig as Jonny Fly’s intern.
Fly: If Aaron could talk without the use of a computer, he’d want everyone to know that he’s really excited to be back in WCF, sort of, and ready to get to work! That concludes this press conference. Thank you for all ending.
The end.
