5 Stages of Grief

[Deleted]

1. DENIAL

G'day! I wonder if any of you drongos can help me. I was so busy being radiant that I accidentally left my TV Title at the arena last night. Can you, good colleague, kindly look after it for me while I arrange one of my servant mates to get it in my private jet?

Such a bonza win last night. I remember decimating that Peter Quinn galah until he passed out. Then Chelsea Black Armstrong tried to attack me but I was too quick and nimble for her. So she missed and hit Quinn instead. Then the bell went and some bloke said something about Peter Quinn being unable to continue due to the referee stopping the match because of the beating I inflicted on his 5 year old girl arse. Yeah, that's what he said, I'm sure.

I continue to be the WCF's greatest ever TV Champion and my win shall never end!




... What's that?! What do you mean I'm no longer TV Ch... oh ha ha, you're really funny mate.

[Deleted]

2. ANGER

Everyone and their pet koala was saying that Peter Quinn is now the TV Champion. So I watched my match on the Slam repeat...

... WHAT IN THE BLOODY GALAH BALDERDASH WAS THAT?! SO NOT FAIR DINKUM.

Let me get this straight because stupid, dull minds are alien to The Shine. That flamin' NWA mongrel Chelsea Black Armstrong came in and attacked Peter Quinn, I get disqualified and lose the TV Title as a result? WCF's greatest ever TV Champion loses his belt on a technicality? STREWTH!

R.I.P. TV Title. All its credibility has now gone. From being the most prestigious prize on the planet, it can now go back to being the show opener. If you ask yours truly, I smell the foul stench of a conspiracy. I betcha WCF officials were concerned that their World Title was starting to be upstaged by my amazing reign as TV Champion so they sold me down the river with a bodged decision.

I WAS SCREWED!!!

Peter Quinn... really?! How can a writer be the TV Champion?! A writer who looks and wrestlers like a five year old girl. I was beating that drongo all around the ring to total humiliation but he emerges flat on his back with MY title? I'm sure he has a smidgen of talent (well... compared to the terrible standards set by anyone not me... and Sequitus of course) but what a dirge and dreariness he brings after the delightful melody and RADIANCE of my reign.

Chelsea... you need to get back on side with your inbred little gang because SHINEBACK is heading your way. Your S-PAC dingos aren't enough to save you. You need to make amends with the likes of Stacy Robinson because, mate, you are about to hit a really rough patch in your WCF career. You will regret costing me MY belt. Not that it'll make any difference but I urge you to be watchful everywhere you go. Especially Explosion in 2 weeks but maybe even the next Slam.

One word - TRAVESTY.

You're all just lucky it happened to me. If this injustice were to besiege any other bloke, it would crush them. Brent Alpine can never be crushed. Where The Shine's involved, today's rubble and ruin is always tomorrow's glorious palace. I will take the turd that Chelsea and Quinn left and turn it into pure gold.

I'm just furious mates... not for me but for you fans. Mediocrity strikes again. Fear not, with me around, it won't prosper for long.

[Deleted]

3. BARGAINING

I think there's been some sort of mistake, mate.

Mr. Lerch, sir, I beseech you, please reverse the decision of that drongo ref Gerhard Schlonger. Who the bloody hell is that bloke anyway? I would check his references if I were you. I bet he's actually some sort of sex pest or escaped convict axe murderer. Not checking applications and licences properly will lead to more debacles like your hiring of that mentally disturbed deviant flamin' galah Chase Michaels. Don't you learn?! Percy Micro's tried calling you all day but you clearly are too busy wining and dining the suits and pursuing your insincere, cry me a river charity causes.

You and I both know that Brent Alpine and the TV Title go together like thongs with nice bums, Bert with Ernie, Cormack with kilts and Pantheon with a sex club full of gay gimps.

Do the right thing, Sethy Wethy. No offence mate. I just ask you rescue the TV Title from the hell of mediocrity. Bring it back into the promised land that is my waist or the incomparable paradise that is my shoulder.

You're only hurting yourself...

[Deleted]

4. DEPRESSION

I have to confess, fans, that The Shine isn't shining so bright today. Granted, I am still a bloody gigantic beacon compared to every other drongo on the planet, but the consequences of my dimming could be disastrous. Rumour has it that small countries around the globe are losing all their power. There has officially been 37.8% less sexual intercourse worldwide today with many telling their partners 'I'm just not in the mood'. Though, given the state of some of you mongrels, a little less reproduction might be a good thing. There has been a spate of kittens committing suicide in protest to my loss. All these (and many more) consequences after the TV Title tragedy - shame on you, WCF, shame on you!

With great men like Jesus, Nelson Mandela and Ali G no longer walking this earth, it is down to me, 'The Shine' Brent Alpine to sustain humanity and single-handedly raise collective consciousness. While a colossal responsibility, it has always been a duty I have accepted as naturally as respiration. Today, after the injustice of my TV Title being STOLEN away from me, that duty has become a fraction more difficult. If the planet caves in on itself and you humans eat each other like cannibal flamin' galahs, I assume no responsibility. I warn you - screw me and you're screwing yourself.

There are a few saving graces. Firstly, The Shine has STILL not been pinned or made to submit in the WCF. Secondly, I have the opportunity to destroy Chase Michaels and Seifer Black Armstrong on Sunday. Thirdly, I will defeat Chelsea Black Armstrong at Explosion and continue my restrained, merciful ascent to my birthright - the WCF Title.

Tonight, I just want to be alone. Hoo roo dingos.

[Deleted]

5. ACCEPTANCE

5 days have passed since that fateful night where I, 'The Shine' Brent Alpine, had my TV Title vindictively taken away from me. But you know what, dingos? I'm over it.

Everybody knows that I am the greatest TV Champion in WCF history. Like a sheila whose new lover doesn't match up to her former flame, no matter who the champ is, you will always look at that title and remember me. You won't be able to get me out of your mind. Yet still you'll go through the motions and give the likes of Peter Quinn some encouragement despite knowing who really rocked your world.

Let's be realistic here, mates. I always said that the TV Title was the most prestigious title in the WCF. That was true because it was around my waist at the time. However, I can't lie and pretend that I wasn't just a tad hyperbolic. The TV Title was always a launch pad to bigger and better things.

I have bided my time long enough. My next destination? The world is my bloody oyster. But for now, look no further than the Trilogy Cup. At Explosion I am in the semis against Chelsea Black Armstrong. Inevitably, I will dispose of her in a matter of seconds and go onto face the other finalist (SPOILER ALERT DRONGO - my mate Cormack MacNeil) at Aftermath. No disrespect to Cormy but I have that one in the bag.

Where does this lead? The WCF World Title at Asesinato De Mayo of course. All the foreplay will have ended and I will stand there in the middle of the ring with the World Title around my waist, SHINING over you all! The greatest consummation in history.

I know that you have already busted your metaphorical load over me, Brent Alpine, but a true artisan and genius will always tease you just that little bit beyond your readiness so that the eventual climax will be of volcanic proportions.

We are on the home straight now, WCF...