Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2014 20:32:08 GMT -5
Russian Through this Promo
Bryan Worthy is currently working out in the Penn State Wrestling Federation’s gym. He’s got on a sleeveless grey muscle shirt and blue shorts, and white trainers. His current focus is on one of those MMA target dummies, which he is buffeting with a variety of forearm shots. The anthropomorphized heavy bag wobbles on its stand after a solid back kick to its midsection. After this display of his striking ability, Worthy steps away from the mannequin and addresses the camera.
“There has always been a lot of nostalgia in pro-wrestling. Most fans have fond memories of the past; in no small part because it was some prior event or wrestler that got them interested in the sport in the first place. And most of the time that’s a good thing. We had a tremendous example of nostalgia last week. Timebomb saw WCF legend Torture finally gain acceptance into the company’s Hall of Fame.”
Buzz pauses to take a drink from his water bottle.
“But then there are instances of people bringing up parts of the past that should have been better left there. Like my opponent for this week’s Slam in Colorado Springs. Artyom, aka “The Soviet”, is a seven foot, three hundred and thirty pound monster of a man who glorifies the old USSR. He comes to the ring waving that country’s flag to the music of its anthem. And while both are admittedly imposing, very much like Artyom himself, they really have no place in wrestling anymore.”
“The Soviet Union collapsed under its own weight in 1991. That’s nearly twenty five years ago. I can’t imagine either Artyom or his manager, Svetlana, remember much of those days. Yet both of them sing the praises of this dead empire. I understand the rationale. It’s meant to be symbolic. The Soviet Union was an impressive force that dominated the geopolitical landscape for decades. Its size and strength made in a factor on the world stage. Just like Artyom hopes to do here in the WCF. The results so far for him have been mixed. In his first match he ran afoul of another angry giant in Lupus Onyx who beat him at his own power game. But last Sunday at Timebomb, The Soviet made quick work of WCF mainstay, the highflying Tek. Now he, like me, gets a chance to earn a winning record.”
Taking up a towel, Bryan daubs the sweat from the back of his neck. He leaves the cloth draped around his collar as he continues.
“So, those are the stakes. A win moves either of us higher up the card, perhaps even into contention for a title shot. A loss means wrestling in more crazy, slap dash scrums like the eight man Battle Royal booked for this Sunday’s Slam. It’s an important match for both our futures, and rest assured I’ve been preparing for it accordingly.”
Buzz pauses, and smiles sheepishly.
“There have been a lot of Rocky IV comparisons made in regards to Artyom’s persona. You’ve got the impossibly powerful, reticent Russian wrecking machine and his cold, blonde, beautiful rhetorician out to make Minskmeat of their opposition. Well, I’ve no interest in building on that analogy. Artyom doesn’t have to murder anyone in the ring to motivate me to fight him. I have no plans on training on some isolated mountain before our match, even if it is taking place in Ski Country. The PSWF facilities are more than meeting my needs. Lastly, there’s no way I plan on adopting Rocky’s strategy to win this match. Letting Artyom pummel me into dust in hopes of wearing him out looks like a literal dead end. Also, people forget that the Drago fight gave Balboa brain damage that cut short his career. The fact is, if I’m going to have any success of this business at all, I’ll need to maximize what mental faculties I have. My fortunes are going to ride on ring awareness and adaptability Sunday. And I’m confident those attributes will carry me to victory. Artyom, just like the totalitarian state he chooses to represent, had strength and size on its side, but what possess is the very same thing that the Soviet Union stymied in its own people and what its enemies used against it to bring it down: creativity.”
Bryan pulls the towel from his shoulders and resumes working over the target dummy with a barrage of forearm shivers.
&&&&&&&&
We get another shot of Buzz, except this time he is wearing his lime neon green WCF blazer and is standing in front of a large industrial looking building. He holds up a turnbuckle cover.
“Every wrestler and wrestling fan knows how ubiquitous this protective covering is in our sport. But how important is PADDING really? To answer this question, ‘What’s the Buzz?’ has come to Bald Knobs, Ohio, to tour the factory that provides WCF with a litany of PADDING based products, and to interview the company’s founder.”
What follows is a montage of Buzz, inexplicably wearing a filter mask and PADDED hard hat, following around a very old man riding a Segway. The caption identifies the newcomer as Gordon Clumpf, President and CEO of Clumpf International Wadding. The pair move past machines and assembly lines that stitch, stuff, and pack different types of PADDING. Worthy does a voice over during the visit:
“Nonagenarian Gordon Clumpf founded the company that bears his name sixty one years ago in his hometown. His goal: to provide combat sports with the ‘support’ its participants need to thrive. Does he feel he has succeeded?”
Now we are in an office, likely Clumpf’s. The old geezer is propped up in his chair, oxygen tubes stuck up both his nostrils. The most prominent things on the desk in front of him are an autographed photo of Clumpf with a bemused Seth Lerch, and a silver pitcher of (presumably) water. When he speaks, his voice is high and squeaky.
“Heck yes, boy. Without my PADDING, the sport of professional wrestling would be deader than Archduke Ferdinand. It would be as illegal as cock-fighting here. Hundreds of lives have been saved by my PADDED mats, PADDED turnbuckles, PADDED barricades, elbow PADS, and knee PADS. PADDING is the secret to the sport’s success. All you wrestlers would be as *bleep*-ed up as Aaron Miles if weren’t for me.”
Cut to Buzz sitting in a chair nodding solemnly. Then the shot returns to the living liver spot.
“Clumpf International Wadding’s mission is to embrace the combat sportsman, to give him confidence by enveloping him in a protective PADDED cocoon. Because he knows that if he’s safe, and that he can rely on that soft, shielding layer of support, that’s when he truly gets a chance to cut loose in the ring. And that confidence is justified. Why studies have shown companies that use CIW PADDING increase the life spans of their talent by an average of 4.3 years. And, I’m proud to say, no wrestler who has competed in a Clumpf International Wadding enforced ring has ever, EVER committed episcopicide due to traumatic brain injury. I’m damn proud of those statistics.”
More Buzz on camera. He asks Clumpf a question:
“What are your thoughts on hardcore matches? Do you feel they have a place in the sport of professional wrestling?”
“Ryan-“
“It’s Bryan.”
“Bryan, let me tell you something. There is no offense, no attack, my PADDING can’t cushion. You can be more hardcore than OBGYN and Nathan Von Neidhart combined, and Clumpf International Wadding can soften your blows. Even that big Russian fella you’re fighting this Sunday-“
“Artyom.”
“Yeah, Art Yam, even his worst can be soaked up by my PADDING’s best. PADDING will save you this Sunday, Bryan, just like it will save all of wrestlekind. It is the lifeblood of the industry, the supple, spongy lifeblood. Like a woman’s breast, PADDING comforts and nutures us. It provides warmth and nourishment.”
There’s a quick pan to Buzz, who cocks an eyebrow at Clumpf’s last assertion, “Um, nourishment?”
“Sure.”
Clumpf takes a turnbuckle PAD out from his desk drawer. He dips it in the silver pitcher and begins gnawing on it George “The Animal” Steele style. There are sounds of commotion off camera, and two uniformed nurses enter the shot. They struggle to pry the wad of PADDING from their patient’s gnarled fingers. One turns and hisses towards the viewer.
“This interview is over!”
Once again, we’re back outside the Clumpf Factory. Buzz, looking stricken, speaks into his mic.
“PADDING. Some people consider it the most important part of professional wrestling, and that without it, loss is inevitable. I myself am not sure if PADDING is as vital as its supporters view it to be. Does it really mean the difference between a Hall of Fame career and a permanent station on the undercard? I suppose, in my personal experience, time will tell. What I can say is that, facing a brute like The Soviet this Sunday, I am glad to have used PADDING. I mean, will be glad PADDING is in use. For “What’s the Buzz?”, this is Bryan Worthy, saying goodnight.”
