Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Feb 27, 2014 15:30:08 GMT -5
Drunk Money Home Video Presents:
Marks Needs Help:
A series of Short Videos aimed to help Mark Dillinger
Video #1: Acceptance
(The video opens on warm fire. As the video shot pans back we see it’s a fireplace in a log cabin. Above the fireplace is a large picture of a Foam lake. Sitting to the side of the fireplace in a red leather chair is Natural ICE Beckman. He is wearing a comfortable sweater, tweed pants with matching jacket and is smoking from a pipe. )
ICE: Welcome to the Mark Needs Help video set. I am your future Internet Champion and local legend, Natural ICE Beckman. I am a man that is balanced with mind, body and soul. I feel comfortable in the skin God gave me and I show with my smile each time I walk down to the ring. But enough about me, this is not about me, this is about a very sad individual who I can tell is hurting inside. That man, is indeed Mark Dillinger. A man so out of his skin he was also once known as Nathan van Liebert. A man so out of his skin, he has literally lost some of his skin, the part around his hand, along with the rest of the hand itself. A man looking for answers and finding false advice from Dr. Dork.
(Ice takes a few puffs from his pipe.)
ICE: Step one to curing you Mr. Dillinger is acceptance. And congratulations Mark, you have already started your journey to good mental help by watching this video series. Not now you need start the process by coming to terms with the fact you are clearly a freak. Now I have seen your current state Mark and I know what you are probably thinking right now:”I am a Freak and that’s a good thing.” Well Mark, being a freak is not a good thing and that is going to be the hardest part of this for you. So to help you through this stage I am going to provide you with a list of reasons you are a nut job.
1. You hear voices.
2. Look at you.
3. Smell you.
4. You have a stump.
5. You might wear ladies make up.
6. You to seem to fear showers.
7. You focus too much on the past.
8. You have two names.
9. Look at you. (repeat yes, but come on buy a mirror)
10. You take advice from a Scientist who professional wrestles on the side.
ICE: Face those facts Mark, it will do you well. Now if you are ready to move on, wipe away those tears, for they hold the denial that has held you back and now it’s time to continue your journey to becoming a butterfly. For now you are still a caterpillar, like a really fucking weird caterpillar. Like the kind of caterpillar that talks to himself on the subway and always has an empty seat next to him. Like coo-coo for cocoa puffs kinda crazy and I hope you see that by now.
(ICE Goes back to his pipe, looking off in deep thought. Editor’s note, his deep thought was “I wonder if astronauts get beer in space."
Video #2: Leaving the Past in the Past
This video opens on a crudely made stage in a town hall. Natural ICE Beckman walks out onto the stage in the same outfit complete with pipe and addresses the viewing audience. )
ICE: Good job putting in video 2 Mark, we’re getting there buddy. Now this step is aimed at focusing on your past and having you understand, your past is just that and the only thing that matters is your future. Now I value my spare time far too much to bother digging too deep inyo your past, but I believe the following live action play will show you that the past is never as good as one remembers it. Side note on this step Mark, the actors are being play by my Drunk Money Inc. friends, so please look past the poor acting and to the message beneath.
(ICE Beckman walks from the shot as we focus on DEE, ICE’s nerdy friend, walking across the stage with a sign that reads…
“What Dillinger thinks happened.”
…The curtains draw open and you see a set made up to look like a classroom but it only has a single desk in the room. Sitting at this desk is ICE’s fat friend PJ who is wedged tightly into the children’s desk and dressed up like a solider yet with clown make up on. John Beckman, ICE’s brother, is dressed as a drill instructor and standing at the front of the room.)
Teacher (John): Nathan- I mean Mark, I mean- Damnit boy! What is your name already?
Mark Dillinger (PJ): You can just call me Mark for now.
Teacher (John): Well Mark, the good news is you are top of your class; the bad news is your class is made up of ONE! Also, you are going to War!
Mark Dillinger (PJ): War? Is that near a Hot Topic, ‘cuz I need more eye-liner.
(The curtains close…DEE again comes walking by in front of the curtain with a sign that reads….
“What really happened.”
…the curtain opens and this time we see a crude backdrop of a basement. Sitting on the couch is PJ, wearing just clown make-up and his boxer shorts. Standing next to him, but refusing to look at his nude hairy body, is John Beckman wearing the get up of a 1950’s leave to beaver father type.)
Father (John): Nathan VON Liebert! You mom and I demand you get a job and stop whacking off to the Disney channel! I am sick of being woken up in the middle of the nights to your passionate screams to Minnie Mouse. And god I hope you’re not saying Mickey Mouse, lord knows you have enough issues.
NvL (PJ): Don’t bother me dad, I am a child of the underworld, I love the dark.
Father (John): I am not surprised you like the dark, hides you better while you jerk off to those Japanese cartoons. Which reminds me, you owe me and your mother another buck for your Netflix subscription this month; they raised the price.
NvL(PJ): What! No fair! I hate you! If you need me I’ll be in the bathroom.
Father (John): Hey, put that sears catalog down! I know they have bra advertisements in those. Nathan, listen to me NOW! I don’t care if you are in your thirties, you will listen to your father!!!
(PJ runs off the stage. As he darts past John, a huge whiff of PJ’s body order hits John’s nostrils. John gags a little before walking off stage totally out of character. ICE walks back into the camera shot flashing his charm with a smile for the folks at home.)
ICE: You see Mark? Not so pretty, right? And that is why you must let the past go. Now truly Mark, I do not know your life before the personas and the name changes, but considering the man you are now it was probably pretty a shameful existence. In fact it your past shamed you so much it forced your downfall to cuckoo-ville. Now Mark, it’s time to face the fact your past is nothing to hold onto. I will give you a moment to swallow the truth. This image will help you relax.
ICE: I bet you feel better now Mark, don’t you? Now wipe away those tears, pick yourself up from the fetal position and put in tape #3 now. Our healing journey continues…
(ICE walks off scene again faking a deep thought…
Video #3: Breakdown
…ICE Beckman is sitting back in his read leather chair by the fire. He is enjoying a glass of milk and a cold glass of milk, or is that a white Russian? He speaks in his clam mocking doctor voice.)
ICE: You are now nearly a clean slate Mark. You have yelled away your fears and cried away your failures. Now we must make sure there is nothing left of the old you. To accomplish this you need to listen closely to me, hear every word I say in on this video, takes the words and travel with them, experience life them, laugh and cry my words and then make them apart of you. My words will work like a cleansing agent and wash you pure. But like rubbing alcohol on a fresh wound, these words of mine will sting. But do not pull away, absorb these words and you will be healed. Earlier in this video series we talked about your core problem Mark, and that is your shame. Your poor posture, your uncomfortable nature with girls, your boring Saturday nights, they all were like a fuse leading to a bomb. And with a shame explosion you became a freak. Think of all the shame Mark. I am talking about the life you must want to hide, before all the new personas and name changes. You remember that life, don’t you Nathan? I mean Mark. Somewhere in that soupy mind of yours you need to let all the mountains and planets and universes worth of shame go. You need a decent amount of self-worth Mark. Think of the WCF roster and all the curtain jerkers who still have enough pride in themselves to at least believe they’re number one. But then there is you, so full of shame, you’re willing to take a sub-missive role under Dr. Dork. A real man should kick, fight and scratch to stay away from being second place, but you took the second fiddle role thankfully. That is the behavior of a living joke Mark. BUT the shame you feel does not have to be forever and understand there is hope for even you Mark. That hope is called the future, for I may not be able to give you your hand back, but I am going to give you back your future or at least destroy you by trying to do so. Now you must stay on the path to a better life and keep going by putting in tape 4.
(ICE Beckman nods his head in approval of his own speech as the video ends…
Video #4: Ditch the Doc
….We Open on a shot of Natural ICE Beckman, still dressed in his fine smart clothing, still with pipe in hand. He is again standing by the roaring fire in his cabin.)
ICE: By now I am sure you are feeling a little deflated, Mark. You have faced your many mental issues, your have let the past go and you have hit rock bottom. Now it is time to build your life back up. And the first step is to find a new role model. You see that Dr. Remus Micayle is not the kind of mentor a man as fragile you needs. He is more apt to work with a pack of baboons or shit flinging monkeys. Now I thought I could talk to you about all the many flaws of Dr. Dork, but I believe that kind of talk is meant for another day. So instead I figure I would focus on the sunny side of life and help find you find a new perfect role model, a father figure, a true champion of career and life in general. Now I know what you are thinking Mark and before you get too excited, I am not thinking of me as your role model. I don’t need you following me around like a lost puppy. Instead I compiled a list of other WCF workers more your speed. Projector Please!
(The lights dim and ICE pulls down a screen from the ceiling. Soon this image projects on the screen.)
ICE: Meet Carl, he is in charge of bathroom maintenance for WCF. He has been divorced for 15 years and hasn’t seen his kids in 5 years. So I think there is a hole in his heart you could fill Mark. Plus who else can help your shit for brains better than a professional toilet cleaner? Next slide-
ICE: Meet Sally, she is a receptionist for the marketing department at the WCF front offices. She has a lot in common with you, from her use of make-up to her odd smell. Hell she even hears voices like you. For when I met her she kept touching her one giant earing and talking out loud like she was on the phone, but I didn’t see no phone. Next slide-
ICE: This is Steven, and now I know he is only 5 and not even an employee of WCF. In fact he is from the Natural ICE Beckman Facebook fan page, but he is a cub scout, plays baseball and loves his mommy. I think his wholesome positive attitude could really teach you how to be a man. Lights please….
(The lights come back and ICE puts the screen back up.)
ICE: So there you go Mark. Three possibilities for a new mentor so you can leave Dr. Dork behind like it was a personality you grew bored with. Now that you have a new light to guide you it’s time to figure the rest of your new life in our final video, Video #5.
(The camera follows ICE out of the cabin and into his pick-up truck as the video ends…
Video #5: The NEW Mark!
…We Open onto Natural ICE’s 4x4 pick-up truck turning off the single road of Foam Lake towards the camera. The dirty truck parks near a bar with a cloud of exhaust as ICE climb out, still in his fine attire, and walks to the camera.)
ICE: Well Mark, I am sure by now you are very ready to start over. And that is what Video #5 is all about. We are going to have a quick three stage process. By the end of this process your new life will be a reality and you don’t even need to thank me, although that would be the polite thing to do.
(The camera follows ICE into the bar.)
ICE: Mark, we must first start with a new outfit. If you send me the address for the homeless shelter you are currently residing in I can send you these super-duper coupons…
ICE: How nice of me. Now also I have found you a few- well a couple of ladies- well whores, that would be willing- well that would be willing if paid them, to “date” you. Sorry I couldn’t get more options, but your WCF picture base wasn’t very inviting. Moving on from that horror, here are some other whores.
(Two middle aged women, who are thick around their waists, come out from the ladies room dressed for success as hookers. Their ripped stockings and old feather boas speak enough of their story as a lake whores.)
ICE: Welcome…um, ladies? My nervous friend Dee tells me you are twins, named Missy and Sissy. Tell me Sissy, are you interested in dating a brand new man?
Missy: I am Missy, Sissy has crabs.
Sissy: That’s true. And if the man you’re talking is from that picture you showed me it’s going to cost him double.
Missy: And fourth-ouble for me too.
ICE: There you go Mark; pick your new princess, or both I guess if you got that kinda cash. Then enjoy ‘um for a lifetime. But man to man, word around the lake is Sissy has crabs, but Missy has something worse, so pick your princess wisely. Now finally your new life needs a new job, for this whole wrestling thing has early retirement due to injury written all over it for you. And to help you really decide on a new career, I present to you the....
(ICE waits for the image to appear as he shoos off the nasty hooker twins with hand gestures...
(...We come back from the list to ICE at the bar, but he is back in his usual gear of jeans and an old t-shirt that reads Go Pack Go. He finishes his mug of beer with a quick chug before a burp leads him to speak.)
ICE:...Well there we go Mark Nathan Von It Doesn’t Matter Anymore, You Are Cured.......
(ICE pauses.)
ICE: Almost. Your final lesson will come this Sunday at Slam. Then you truly will be cured. And for that...You’re Welcome.
(The video ends with ICE Beckman calling for another. A quick run of credits rungs through the screen...
Natural ICE Beckman........As Himself (but smarter)
John Beckman.....Drill Instructor
John Beckman.....Father
PJ....Mark Dillinger aka NvL (please note that I picked the biggest loser I know to play you, Mark)
Dee...Stage hand, Producer and big nerd who has editing equipment in his mom’s basement.
Missy and Sissy, the lake whores.....As themselves.
This has been a presentation from Drunk Money Inc. Home Video.
If you have a friend experiencing symptoms such as those Mark Dillinger is feeling, please call 1-800-GET-A-BFF. That’s not a mental health hotline just a friends network, because forget the freak and get a better friend.
...All rights reserved 2014. Video Ends. But not the promo. We see ICE Beckman and his older brother John sitting in front of an editing machine and a few tv screens.)
John: You stole my line; You’re Welcome was my wrestling catch phrase.
ICE: Hey it’s not like you’re not using it anymore.
John: You think these videos are really going to help that Dillinger fool?
ICE: What do I care? Come Sunday he’ll be beneath me like all the others soon enough. Now do we have any beer, it’s fucking time to GET DRUNK!!
(ICE spins his chair around and walks from the editing equipment as John Beckman pulls up the final image of the promo.)
