Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 14:55:38 GMT -5
(Fresh off a successful TV Title defence at Slam and otherwise causing a stir, 'The Shine' Brent Alpine is sitting on the couch of a TV studio with Percy Micro on his lap. Generic heavy rock plays us in. WCF interview supremo Hank Brown stands assuredly next to the sofa and looks out to the studio audience.)
Hank Brown: Welcome to a wcfwrestling.com exclusive live fan forum with current...
Brent Alpine (interjects): And forevermore.
Hank Brown: ... Current TV Champion, 'The Shine' Brent Alpine! Last night at Slam, Alpine retained his title against Denise D'evil and put out an open invitation for any stable within the WCF to beg for his services. Not only did he confront Sequitus' Cormack MacNeil backstage, he even had the audacity to interrupt the main event to present himself before S-PAC's Benjamin Atreyu and Pantheon's Jayson Price. You can send questions for The Shine to us via. e-mail, Twitter or Facebook. First, let's go to our studio audience.
(Brown dashes into the audience. There are around one hundred fans present of varying ages and backgrounds. Many of them have their hands raised to ask a question. Brown goes straight for, predictably enough, a pretty blonde teenage girl. He holds the mic up to her mouth.)
Pretty Blonde: Brent, I'm your biggest fan! Will you go on a date with me?
Percy Micro (answering on Brent's behalf): Absolutely not! Mr. Alpine is a busy man and does not need any distraction from you or your single brain cell.
(A chorus of boos fills the studio. The blonde looks like she wants the world to swallow her.)
Brent Alpine: Wait a minute, Percy! That's not nice, rejecting the poor girl like that.
(The blonde's eyes light up and she smiles in hope.)
Brent Alpine: Let me do it. Come back in twenty years when you've hit puberty.
Pretty Blonde: But I'm 19!
Brent Alpine: Oh. Well grow some tits and shave your 'tache.
Pretty Blonde: For the record, I have 34Ds and have absolutely no hair on my face! How dare you!
(Alpine puts his hand over his eyes to get a closer look at the blonde through the glare of the studio lights.)
Brent Alpine: Oh strewth, you're gorgeous! I thought you were that dwarf bloke in front of you. Sorry sheila. Let's go for dinner tonight.
Pretty Blonde (incensed): NO FREAKING WAY! Loser!
Brent Alpine: Actually I changed my mind. You're not my type. I even prefer the dwarf.
Hank Brown: Let's move on.
(Brown moves up a few rows and approaches a geeky looking Indian man.)
Indian Geek: I am Sandeep from Hyderabad. Actually, I was wondering if you can tell me what Steve Orbit is like backstage. He's my favourite.
Brent Alpine: Naw mate. This is my spot. 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. Do not waste this precious time that I am choosing to grace you with my presence.
(Hank Brown moves onto a man in his mid-twenties wearing a WCF Timebomb t-shirt.)
Mid-Twenties Man: Umm, where's the bathroom? I need a crap.
Percy Micro: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! Mr. Brown, from what derelict corner of the world's rectum did you get this audience from? They are truly the worst fans in the history of the planet.
(They shout abuse at the pig.)
Percy Micro: My cherished commodity deserves the grandest platform. Never subject him to such developmentally inadequate specimens ever again. Stop being unprofessional, Mr. Brown, and end this charade.
(Cut. We reopen in the same studio. This time there is no audience and Hank Brown sits adjacent to Alpine and Micro on a separate chair.)
Hank Brown (obviously scripted and insincere): On behalf of the WCF, I wish to apologise for wasting your time. However, we have had many questions sent in from our fans across the world. We'll start with this one. Have you had any offers from the WCF stables yet?
Brent Alpine: Obviously. All of them have requested that I be their new member. Pantheon bought me flowers and wrote me sonnets. Those drongos in Team Science produced a 200 page brochure outlining the merits of me joining them. S-PAC won't stop calling and whispering sweet nothings. Shadows of Darkness gave me a lap dance and offered me any sexual favour I could think of. Obviously I declined - I've lay on top of Denise D'evil way too many times lately. Who else, Percy?
Percy Micro: Sequitus, The Militia... there were numerous others too.
Brent Alpine: Cormack MacNeil promised me a look up his kilt if I'd join Sequitus. If there's anything less appealing, I'm yet to discover it. You know what? I'm so in demand that my invitation has been taken up by organisations around the globe! The Denver Broncos want me on board to help them win next year's Superbowl. Manchester United want me to be their new manager. NASA are consulting me on matters of intergalactic importance. They just can't understand how I SHINE so much. Frankly, my phone has been ringing off the hook.
Hank Brown: So who has put forward the best pitch?
Brent Alpine: I'm still to decide. I need much more fun and foreplay before I decide to commit. They all need to up the charm offensive.
Hank Brown: A question from our Facebook page - How far do you believe you will go in the Trilogy Cup?
Brent Alpine: Seriously? You have to ask? I know that the WCF thrives on drama and suspense. However, where Brent Alpine is involved, everything's academic. I will add the final nail to Serbia's career on Sunday at Timebomb. At Explosion and Aftermath, I'll win in 10 seconds. Or 20 if I'm feeling merciful. Finally, after that, I will get what is my birthright - the WCF World Title! I'm sorry to kill the sense of competition here but I'm just not going to lose. I will collect every single title in the WCF. I will even win the Tag Titles with Percy and he's only 17 inches tall! Get used to inevitability - The Shine will never dim.
Hank Brown: We've had an e-mail asking how you plan to defeat Serbia this Sunday?
Brent Alpine: The same way I beat her last time - merely existing! Have you noticed, Hanky Panky, that everyone I have faced has not been the same since?
Hank Brown: How so?
Brent Alpine: Michael Lassiter - the man who I unselfishly let get the pin over Ultimate Destroyer in our triple threat debut. Where is he? Oh, that's right - AWOL! He is absolutely terrified that I'm going to make him pay me back for that favour I did him. Speaking of Ultimate Destroyer, also an endangered species. Then there was Denise D'evil, Mod Deuce and Jayden Thunder at Payback. I've trampled over Denise twice now. Mod Deuce ended up in a psychiatric ward. Jayden Thunder has plummeted right down to the bottom of the card where he rightly deserves to be.
Hank Brown: Maybe you're a curse, Brent.
Brent Alpine: Aw ya dag, The Shine is a blessing not a curse. It's not my fault that I just seem to break people's spirits. I've tried to be average. I once ate a year's supply of tim tams in an afternoon just to see if this perfect body could be spoiled. It just ended up putting more muscle on my adonis frame. Another time, I went several months without training but found that I could't help but evolve into an even more remarkable wrestler. My skills exponentially blossomed by sheer virtue of having awesomeness in my DNA. Finally, I thought - 'how can I put a halt to my incredible superiority? I know - I'll sleep all the time. That will make those other dingos feel better about themselves'. The limitation in that theory was that in my sleep I regularly learn new languages, astral project wherever I wish and recite the entire works of Shakespear, front and back. Brilliance is a noose around my neck, sometimes, it truly is.
Hank Brown: Continuing your point, Serbia has been extremely quiet since you defeated her for the TV Title.
Brent Alpine: True, true. When I signed, I kept hearing Serbia lauded as the most promising young talent on the roster. The fact is that I BROKE her. Her confidence... or pride as I recognised it... has taken such a beating that it's hanging by a thread. I'm going to cut that thread on Sunday and put her out of her misery once and for all. Then she can go back and do whatever she was doing before she was a wrestler. She'd look good on the back of a garbage truck. She can go and join Tyler Walker who I also seem to have put on the unemployment queue.
Percy Micro: Actually, didn't we see him at Subway the other day?
Brent Alpine: Think so mate. His steroid acne was falling off into your foot-long Chicken Teriyaki sub, if I recall.
Percy Micro: I didn't seem to care.
Hank Brown: Last question. Who is your favourite stable in the WCF?
Brent Alpine: Whichever one I join on Sunday.
(Alpine winks teasingly. The generic rock music kicks back in and the studio lights dim.)
Hank Brown: That's all we have time for. Make sure you watch Timebomb, this Sunday live on Pay Per View. Go to wcfwrestling.com for more details.
(Fade out.)
Hank Brown: Welcome to a wcfwrestling.com exclusive live fan forum with current...
Brent Alpine (interjects): And forevermore.
Hank Brown: ... Current TV Champion, 'The Shine' Brent Alpine! Last night at Slam, Alpine retained his title against Denise D'evil and put out an open invitation for any stable within the WCF to beg for his services. Not only did he confront Sequitus' Cormack MacNeil backstage, he even had the audacity to interrupt the main event to present himself before S-PAC's Benjamin Atreyu and Pantheon's Jayson Price. You can send questions for The Shine to us via. e-mail, Twitter or Facebook. First, let's go to our studio audience.
(Brown dashes into the audience. There are around one hundred fans present of varying ages and backgrounds. Many of them have their hands raised to ask a question. Brown goes straight for, predictably enough, a pretty blonde teenage girl. He holds the mic up to her mouth.)
Pretty Blonde: Brent, I'm your biggest fan! Will you go on a date with me?
Percy Micro (answering on Brent's behalf): Absolutely not! Mr. Alpine is a busy man and does not need any distraction from you or your single brain cell.
(A chorus of boos fills the studio. The blonde looks like she wants the world to swallow her.)
Brent Alpine: Wait a minute, Percy! That's not nice, rejecting the poor girl like that.
(The blonde's eyes light up and she smiles in hope.)
Brent Alpine: Let me do it. Come back in twenty years when you've hit puberty.
Pretty Blonde: But I'm 19!
Brent Alpine: Oh. Well grow some tits and shave your 'tache.
Pretty Blonde: For the record, I have 34Ds and have absolutely no hair on my face! How dare you!
(Alpine puts his hand over his eyes to get a closer look at the blonde through the glare of the studio lights.)
Brent Alpine: Oh strewth, you're gorgeous! I thought you were that dwarf bloke in front of you. Sorry sheila. Let's go for dinner tonight.
Pretty Blonde (incensed): NO FREAKING WAY! Loser!
Brent Alpine: Actually I changed my mind. You're not my type. I even prefer the dwarf.
Hank Brown: Let's move on.
(Brown moves up a few rows and approaches a geeky looking Indian man.)
Indian Geek: I am Sandeep from Hyderabad. Actually, I was wondering if you can tell me what Steve Orbit is like backstage. He's my favourite.
Brent Alpine: Naw mate. This is my spot. 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. Do not waste this precious time that I am choosing to grace you with my presence.
(Hank Brown moves onto a man in his mid-twenties wearing a WCF Timebomb t-shirt.)
Mid-Twenties Man: Umm, where's the bathroom? I need a crap.
Percy Micro: STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! Mr. Brown, from what derelict corner of the world's rectum did you get this audience from? They are truly the worst fans in the history of the planet.
(They shout abuse at the pig.)
Percy Micro: My cherished commodity deserves the grandest platform. Never subject him to such developmentally inadequate specimens ever again. Stop being unprofessional, Mr. Brown, and end this charade.
(Cut. We reopen in the same studio. This time there is no audience and Hank Brown sits adjacent to Alpine and Micro on a separate chair.)
Hank Brown (obviously scripted and insincere): On behalf of the WCF, I wish to apologise for wasting your time. However, we have had many questions sent in from our fans across the world. We'll start with this one. Have you had any offers from the WCF stables yet?
Brent Alpine: Obviously. All of them have requested that I be their new member. Pantheon bought me flowers and wrote me sonnets. Those drongos in Team Science produced a 200 page brochure outlining the merits of me joining them. S-PAC won't stop calling and whispering sweet nothings. Shadows of Darkness gave me a lap dance and offered me any sexual favour I could think of. Obviously I declined - I've lay on top of Denise D'evil way too many times lately. Who else, Percy?
Percy Micro: Sequitus, The Militia... there were numerous others too.
Brent Alpine: Cormack MacNeil promised me a look up his kilt if I'd join Sequitus. If there's anything less appealing, I'm yet to discover it. You know what? I'm so in demand that my invitation has been taken up by organisations around the globe! The Denver Broncos want me on board to help them win next year's Superbowl. Manchester United want me to be their new manager. NASA are consulting me on matters of intergalactic importance. They just can't understand how I SHINE so much. Frankly, my phone has been ringing off the hook.
Hank Brown: So who has put forward the best pitch?
Brent Alpine: I'm still to decide. I need much more fun and foreplay before I decide to commit. They all need to up the charm offensive.
Hank Brown: A question from our Facebook page - How far do you believe you will go in the Trilogy Cup?
Brent Alpine: Seriously? You have to ask? I know that the WCF thrives on drama and suspense. However, where Brent Alpine is involved, everything's academic. I will add the final nail to Serbia's career on Sunday at Timebomb. At Explosion and Aftermath, I'll win in 10 seconds. Or 20 if I'm feeling merciful. Finally, after that, I will get what is my birthright - the WCF World Title! I'm sorry to kill the sense of competition here but I'm just not going to lose. I will collect every single title in the WCF. I will even win the Tag Titles with Percy and he's only 17 inches tall! Get used to inevitability - The Shine will never dim.
Hank Brown: We've had an e-mail asking how you plan to defeat Serbia this Sunday?
Brent Alpine: The same way I beat her last time - merely existing! Have you noticed, Hanky Panky, that everyone I have faced has not been the same since?
Hank Brown: How so?
Brent Alpine: Michael Lassiter - the man who I unselfishly let get the pin over Ultimate Destroyer in our triple threat debut. Where is he? Oh, that's right - AWOL! He is absolutely terrified that I'm going to make him pay me back for that favour I did him. Speaking of Ultimate Destroyer, also an endangered species. Then there was Denise D'evil, Mod Deuce and Jayden Thunder at Payback. I've trampled over Denise twice now. Mod Deuce ended up in a psychiatric ward. Jayden Thunder has plummeted right down to the bottom of the card where he rightly deserves to be.
Hank Brown: Maybe you're a curse, Brent.
Brent Alpine: Aw ya dag, The Shine is a blessing not a curse. It's not my fault that I just seem to break people's spirits. I've tried to be average. I once ate a year's supply of tim tams in an afternoon just to see if this perfect body could be spoiled. It just ended up putting more muscle on my adonis frame. Another time, I went several months without training but found that I could't help but evolve into an even more remarkable wrestler. My skills exponentially blossomed by sheer virtue of having awesomeness in my DNA. Finally, I thought - 'how can I put a halt to my incredible superiority? I know - I'll sleep all the time. That will make those other dingos feel better about themselves'. The limitation in that theory was that in my sleep I regularly learn new languages, astral project wherever I wish and recite the entire works of Shakespear, front and back. Brilliance is a noose around my neck, sometimes, it truly is.
Hank Brown: Continuing your point, Serbia has been extremely quiet since you defeated her for the TV Title.
Brent Alpine: True, true. When I signed, I kept hearing Serbia lauded as the most promising young talent on the roster. The fact is that I BROKE her. Her confidence... or pride as I recognised it... has taken such a beating that it's hanging by a thread. I'm going to cut that thread on Sunday and put her out of her misery once and for all. Then she can go back and do whatever she was doing before she was a wrestler. She'd look good on the back of a garbage truck. She can go and join Tyler Walker who I also seem to have put on the unemployment queue.
Percy Micro: Actually, didn't we see him at Subway the other day?
Brent Alpine: Think so mate. His steroid acne was falling off into your foot-long Chicken Teriyaki sub, if I recall.
Percy Micro: I didn't seem to care.
Hank Brown: Last question. Who is your favourite stable in the WCF?
Brent Alpine: Whichever one I join on Sunday.
(Alpine winks teasingly. The generic rock music kicks back in and the studio lights dim.)
Hank Brown: That's all we have time for. Make sure you watch Timebomb, this Sunday live on Pay Per View. Go to wcfwrestling.com for more details.
(Fade out.)
