Post by Benjamin Atreyu on Feb 9, 2014 17:40:24 GMT -5
The morning was always the hard part of the day; the buzzing of a waking daze filled an empty mind. Ugh. Hmm? Fuck. Morning already? What a fucking bummer. Benjamin’s eyes turned away from the irritating glare of the devil sun and turned over in bed to try and escape the day. Fuck this shit. Just let me sleep. Just one day. Let me have nothing to do. I promise I’ll do more tomorrow. He peered up at the clock, almost pleading with its mechanical heart, but it continued to tick forward, the day would continue as always. Feeling the defeat of progression, he pulled himself right side up and sat there is bed for a few moments, trying to pull his thoughts together, trying to string some sort of coherent logic out of the chaos of a still waking mind. He took a deep breath and his lungs were filled the painful cold air, a sort of omen to the day in question (better off doing nothing at all).
Okay. What did I do last night? Training, team meeting, taxes, etc. etc. etc. What am I supposed to do today? C’mon, think. Right, my appointment. Ugh, let’s get this over with. Benjamin hopped out of bed and his feet were met with the cold wood paneled floor, this was another warning (no, seriously, go back to bed, nothing good can come from today). He shuffled across the room and finally emerged into the hallway, boring fucking routine followed as usual until he made his way down the steps and saw a blurred figure through the stained from door window. DING! DONG! Fuck. Not today, I don’t need this shit this early in my day. Benjamin approached the front door begrudgingly. Nope, he doesn’t know your home, just walk away now. DING! DONG! He turned the knob and pulled to reveal the early morning menace which now threatened his sanity with aggravating persistency. Seth. It was fucking Seth. Godmothershitfuckingdamn Seth Dominics with his stupid fucking grin and stupid face, and stupid unicorn horn…unicorn horn?
“Benjy,” The idiot exclaimed loudly, assuring him that even the neighbors heard it, “you ready?”
“Benjamin. I have never told you it was okay to call me Benjy,” Benjamin just looked down his nose as Seth with an unrelenting sternness.
“Benjy, you so cray cray!” Seth continued to exclaim as if the only way that Benjamin could hear him was at ridiculously high volumes, “So, are you ready?”
“I know I am going to regret this,” and he totally was, “but, ready for what?”
“MINNESOTA BRONY MEET-UP!” Like the megaphone that no one wanted or asked for.
“Oh dear god,” Benjamin shook his head, “Seth, I really don’t have time…”
“NONSENSE!” Seth pulled off the back pack he was wearing, opened it, and began rifling through it, “Okay, I know its short notice and everything, but trust me, it’ll TOTALLY be worth it.”
“Seth, no, seriously, I have a lot of shit…” It was no use, he wasn’t listening, “What the fuck are you looking for?”
“FOUND IT!” It often seemed that Seth Dominics and Nicholas Cage shared similar problems with volume control. He pulled out a pair of child-sized fake wings with shoulder straps and held it up to our hero with a sort of enthusiasm that Nintendo-64 Kid* would be envious of. It took Benjamin a minute to realize what was going on, but when it hit him (like as if he had been hit by a truck…a retarded truck) he quickly began to back away.
“Oh, fuck no,’ Benjamin tried to shut his front door on the cretin currently threatening him with an afternoon of social interaction and stupid costumes, but Seth stuck his foot in and made his way into the house, the pair of wings still extended out towards our hero, “no Seth. I refuse, I don’t care what you do.”
Seth lowered the wings sadly, feeling dejected by Benjamin’s refusal. He turned away and lowered his head in mourning over the death of his proposed plans. “Oh…That’s fine, I guess. I mean, it was just going to be a good time between to best friends…but, I mean…I guess I could always go alone, ya know…by myself, with no friends and such. I thought…just maybe, you would want to share this one thing with us, being that, ya know…we both like the show, but I won’t bother you anymore.”
“Nope, the guilt trip only works on people with human emotions,” Benjamin replied, trying to think of a way to get Seth out of his house, “I am a robot, completely immune to sadness, deal with it.”
“The sun will come out…tomorrow.”
“Nope, the song won’t work, don’t even try.”
“Bet your bottom dollar that…tomorrow…there’ll be sun…” A gentle weeping emanating from the only-cancer-you-want-to-kill-you named Seth.
“Oh for the love of fuck,” Benjamin sighed in defeat, “Fine.”
“YAY!” Seth spun around with the wings extended out towards Benjamin once again.
“No, no wings.”
“The sun will come out…tomorrow…”
“FINE!”
-.-.-
‘What is a brony meet-up’ you ask? Well, in order to answer that question, there is another question that we need to answer first, that question being, ‘what is a brony?’ There are two different ways to answer this question; the short answer and the long answer. The short answer; the adult male fan-base of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, but for the sake of entertainment and buffering this out from being a short three page piece of shit, lets dive a little deeper into this phenomenon. Hold on tight, mother fuckers, this ride is going to get weird;
In case you live under a rock, are a hermit living in the Himalayas who recently got wi-fi, or an individual with their fingers far from the pulse of pop-culture (ala the WCF locker room), My Little Pony is an entertainment franchise developed by Hasbro which is marketed primarily to girls. It started as a line of plastic pony toys developed by Bonnie Zacherle, Charles Muenchinger and Steve D'Aguanno which have been produced since 1983. (that’s right, this story involves two grown men and a marketing scheme meant to make little girls beg their parents to shell out hard earned money to pay for overpriced pony figurines). The ponies feature colorful bodies, manes and a unique symbol on one or both sides of their flanks. My Little Pony was launched in 1983 and the line became popular during the 1980s, and inspired animated specials, an animated feature length film, and four animated television series (not to mention the start to the inevitable animated apocalypse).
What does this have to do with our hero and his ever-so-annoying sidekick whom might better serve the world stopping traffic with his body? Well, recently a new incarnation of this demon spawn ploy to destroy homes has reared its ugly head in the form of an animated television series called ‘My Little Pony: Friend is Magic’ or ‘Oh dear god, please stop, some one stop this abomination, please kill me, there is no hope for this planet’. Now, like the other My Little Pony related incarnations of the past, this was intended as a show for little girls (read as ‘not forty year olds living in their mother’s basement’), but something strange occurred when the show, developed by Lauren Faust for the HUB network, aired its first season; there was a strange shift in the demographics. Small at first, but as the episodes continued to air, the anomaly became bigger and bigger; grown-ass-men were watching.
I know what you must be thinking, ‘but why?’, and despite all our technological advancements and constant research, no one is quite sure, all we are sure of is that no good could come from it. Men and boys of all ages were turning into to watch Twilight Sparkle and her friends solve day-to-day problems with the backdrop of unbearable horse-puns and nauseatingly upbeat music and characters. The internet soon exploded with this discovery and it began to be the topic on the tip of the tongue of all sensible human beings as they all asked the same question, ‘what the fuck is wrong with these people?’
There were a great deal of things speculated to explain this strange trend; ironic enjoyment (i.e. “I can’t believe we’re watching this show meant for little girls, how fucking stupid, lets laugh about it and then act like it’s the greatest thing in the world even though we all know it’s really stupid”), mass hysteria and brain-damage, thousands of men held at gun point to watch it and post about it online, but unfortunately none of these were the case as the epidemic slowly grew beyond our ability to contain it and revealed that these individuals of suspicious origin did indeed enjoy this show; men with families, working jobs, being productive members of society, spending time enjoying the escapades of tiny animated equine, it was madness and the world’s mouth was left agape. This fan-base ended up gaining the name Bronies (a mixture of bro, the name one endearingly uses when referring to a fellow male friend, and pony. The female counterpart being pegasister. Yep, that happened) and this new found demographic split the internet into a war; between the strange glitch in the matrix that were these pony loving men, and the rational, intelligent, totally-less-crazy individuals who looked down upon them for their strange existence. Fights were had, insults were thrown, and people screamed…well, one side did anyways, those crazy pony people just sat there and kept putting up this ‘love and tolerate’ bullshit.
What the fuck is up with that shit? Love? Tolerance? What kind of crazy morals is this shitty show teaching? This world was built on fighting, hatred, and greed; there is no room for positive thoughts and progressive morals. Get with the program and start hating each other like a normal human being and add to the confusion that already manifests itself in this life, am I right? Why bother with charity, helping, learning, and caring? What could possibly be accomplished by making the world a better place a little bit at a time? Though, I digress.
Soon enough these people could no longer contain their unnatural love in simple musings on the internet, they had to interact with each other in, ugh, real life. Brony Conventions began to spring up all over the country; CANterlot Con (South Ontario), The BronyDays (Paris, France), Running of the Leaves Con (Denver, Colorado), Nightmare Nights (Dallas, Texas), Pony Con AU (Melbourne, Australia), Brony-Fest (Lewisville, Texas), DerpyCon South (Southeast Louisana), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a good chance that there is a Brony convention happening somewhere around you, Godspeed to you if you attempt to stop it with a, maybe, a blowtorch or something.
What does this have to do with Benjamin? Well, as it turns out, our hero, one I had once believed to be perfect in every way- aside from the occasional drunken stupor or self-effacing behavior when not wrestling- is one of these awful creatures. I know, I was just as shocked as you are with this startling discovery. I mean, yeah, I could totally see that idiot Seth Dominics buying into all that shit, but Benjamin is supposed to be a man of great intellect, who would look down on something so silly and trivial with a sort of judgmental glare that would be befitting of any great ruler, how could he watch such an obvious blemish on this society? Well, we got caught up with him earlier this week and asked him that very question. He was reluctant to admit it at first, but after constant needling and a threat to reveal this information to the rest of the locker room, he was a bit more cooperative, see, aggression and hate always wins;
“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk about my match instead. I mean, it’s going to be pretty fun. I mean, they took a decent competitor who would have had a better chance by himself…and then paired him up with Jaysen Price…See what I did there? You were all probably assuming as I was going to say that Biohazard was the lesser of the two, but in saying Price was the lesser, I was insu- Okay, fine, I’ll answer your stupid question. I’m not sure why you are so interested; it’s not like it’s that big of a deal anyways.
---“Well, I don’t remember when I got into it, maybe a couple of months ago, I guess. I don’t know, I was really down about something, probably a loss or knowing that Zombie McMorris is still alive, but either way, I was sitting at home and roaming through Netflix. Well, I had heard about this whole stupid ‘brony’ thing and I figured it was just a bunch of people watching it ironically, so I just stayed away from that whole ‘my little pony’ thing for a while, but that night I needed something ridiculously positive to watch. I didn’t care if it was good, I just needed something positive.
---“So, there I was, scrolling through Netflix, and then I passed it; ’My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’. I was hesitant, thinking ‘oh come on, you still have standards’, but it was late and nothing was on television so I thought ‘why the fuck not’ right? So, I watched the first episode, and then one episode turned into two episodes, which turned into three episodes, which turned into a whole season, which turned into two seasons, which turned into three season, which turned into me catching up on the fourth season…yeah, it’s kind of slippery slope.
---“So, yeah, I started watching the show, but I didn’t really associate with community at all. I kind of rationalized it as ‘okay, well, I watch the show, but I’m not a brony,’ but then I started looking stuff up and found out that its community isn’t just a bunch of weird middle-aged men, but instead it is a vast group of artists, musicians, singers, writers, and such. We are talking good artists too, very talented people all into this weird show, not to say there aren’t any shitty ones, there are plenty of those too, but the amount of talent is mind blowing. It was kind of an interesting thing to find when you suspect a bunch of losers wishing they were all ponies, like Seth Dominics. Yeah, Seth is into it too. I’m not sure how he got into it, he won’t talk about it much. Says it has something to do with Retro-cults, but I’m not really going to dig into it at all. I think some things are better left unexplained.
---“Do I interact with the community at all? Not really. I try to keep my distance. Not because I still think they are weird, some are though; it’s just a matter of being a celebrity figure, I don’t think it would really go over well. If I get invited to like a convention panel or something I might, but I don’t need getting the wrong idea of me. I still find most people disgusting little ingrates that are slowly destroying themselves, just because I watch a show about friendship doesn’t mean that has changed a single iota.”
We caught up with former wrestler, current director, and friend of Benjamin Atreyu, John Gable, to get his comments, “My Little Pony? That shit sucks, PHINEAS AND FERB 4 LYFE!”
So, there it is, folks; the story of the descent into madness. Do I hate Benjamin Atreyu, now? No, but do I respect him a little less? A little bit. I mean, who is he to attempt to find happiness within the confines of a shitty world by watching a kid’s show just to escape the constant and crippling anger/depression that we all have to face on a daily basis? But either way, back to our story.
-.-.-
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Driving with Seth to a goddamn Brony Meet-up. This is so fucking stupid. Benjamin sat in the passenger seat of Seth’s car, contemplating the different ways he could commit suicide at fifty miles-per-hour while on their way to the ‘brony meet-up’. He really didn’t want to go, but he also didn’t feel like having Seth sob all over his floor and drawing attention from the neighbors who might see the scene and make assumptions about the two. Fuck. Someone kill me. If someone recognizes me, I’m fucked. Benjamin eyes widened as he saw that they were approaching the Mall of American and suddenly realized what was going on.
“Wait, are you telling me the meet-up is in the mall?” Benjamin looked over at Seth with an angry glare.
“Of course!”
“Don’t say of course like this is obvious. If I have known this was going to be in the BIGGEST FUCKING MALL IN THE COUNTRY, I would have never said yes!”
“Seems like someone is still in the Brony closet.”
“See, its things like that, that make me want to axe murder you. No, seriously, though, turn this car around and drop me off back home. Go if you want, but I’m out.”
“The sun will come out…”
“NO! Fuck you! Fuck your stupid song! I want out!”
“Come on, we’re almost there. If it turns out to suck, you can…um…I don’t know…hit me or something.”
“Hit you hard?”
“As hard as you want.”
“…”
“…with a chair.”
“Deal.”
“YES! MUSIC TIME!”
Seth Dominics turns on his car stereo and the beginning to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme begins to play, with Seth singing along…
“My Little Pony! My Little Pony! aaaaAAAAAAHAHHH! MY LITTLE PONY! I use to wonder what friendship could be. MY LITTLE PONY!! Until you shared all its magic with me! BIG ADVENTURES! TONS OF FUN! A BEAUTIFUL HEART! FAITHFUL AND STRONG! SHARING KINDESS! ITS AN EASY FEAT! AND MAGIC MAKES IT ALL COMPLETE!”
“I might just stick my head out the window until something smashes into it.”
When they arrived to the meet-up spot, a group of bronies (because I refuse to call it a ‘herd’) approached our hero and greeted him warmly, something he did not return. Seth interacted with them openly, sharing their sort of disillusioned whimsicalness with the strangers passing through the mall trying to avoid the stampede (excuse the pun) of ‘love’ and ‘tolerance’. I really could be doing something more important. I could be preparing for my match, but I’m stuck here instead. Well, at least it will be worth hitting Seth over the head with a chair. Benjamin just sat at a table as the bunch ran around doing Brony things and the various stuff such an umbrella term might cover. Many of the bronies attempted to speak to Benjamin, but they were quickly dissuaded by his cold demeanor and angry glare.
However, at one point, it seemed the bronies had gained the attention of an unsavory group of individuals that one might refer to as ‘mall ninjas’, the sort of individuals obsessed with their tough-guy personas. At first it was light mockery and shared chuckles among their friends as the bronies passed by, but after a while, they began to follow the bronies from a distance and yell out the typical jock-head insults of ‘fags’ and such. The group tried to ignore them, but eventually the opposing force began to become a bit more direct and began to make fun of the show. Benjamin paid them no mind, annoyed with their antics, but just shrugging it off as stupid teenage behavior. Though, unfortunately, Seth, being the naïve extrovert he is known to be, decided to take matters head on and promote a more positive response.
“Love and tolerance, guys. Can’t we all just get along.” Benjamin saw the interaction and cringed.
“What the fuck is with that fruity horn?”
“Ah, good question, what is with my fruity horn, indeed. Well, gentlemen, this is the horn of a Pegasus…”
“Fag.”
“I assure you sir, I am neither a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that, nor a cigarette, but I can see where my appearance might confuse you into a misguided assumption.”
“Fag.”
“Okay, I am starting to think…”
“Pony fag.”
“Sir, I would implore you to…”
“Sorry, I don’t talk to pony fuckers.”
“Really, guys. Come on…”
“Why don’t you go jerk off to Twilight Sparkle in your mom’s basement.”
Feeling dejected, Seth ceases to try to communicate…with words. Instead the next sound that Benjamin hears is the crack of a bone and the thud of a human body hitting the ground. Seth had decided that communication would dramatically improve if the individual’s nose was knocked deep into his face. Benjamin’s eyes widen as the now enraged Seth Dominics stands over the fallen body.
“MOTHER FUCKER! I AM A GROWN ASS MAN! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SOME AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL BULLSHIT! I WILL EAT YOUR FACE! YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE BEST! DON’T BE BRINGING NO SORRY CARTOON LIKE DORA THE EXPLORER! L.O.B.!”
Needless to say, Benjamin took that as a good queue to grab Seth and get the hell out of dodge. Okay, so it wasn’t all for not. That was pretty funny. I guess I can’t hit Seth with that chair, but at least we’re out of there before the security could stop us.
-.-.-
The following letter was sent to Seth’s parole officer the following day;
Dear Princess Celestia,
I learned that sometimes you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well you might find you get what you need. If one of your friends don’t feel like doing something with you, you can always bribe or guilt them into it, which is what I think more of us could learn sometimes, and if those two options don’t work…violence, violence will always get shit done!
Your faithful student,
Seth Dominics
“Dear god…”
“Frank, is that a letter from the guy who always calls you princess celestia?”
“Yeah, he is a brony or something.”
“Fuck that shit, Phineas and Ferb 4 lyfe!”
Okay. What did I do last night? Training, team meeting, taxes, etc. etc. etc. What am I supposed to do today? C’mon, think. Right, my appointment. Ugh, let’s get this over with. Benjamin hopped out of bed and his feet were met with the cold wood paneled floor, this was another warning (no, seriously, go back to bed, nothing good can come from today). He shuffled across the room and finally emerged into the hallway, boring fucking routine followed as usual until he made his way down the steps and saw a blurred figure through the stained from door window. DING! DONG! Fuck. Not today, I don’t need this shit this early in my day. Benjamin approached the front door begrudgingly. Nope, he doesn’t know your home, just walk away now. DING! DONG! He turned the knob and pulled to reveal the early morning menace which now threatened his sanity with aggravating persistency. Seth. It was fucking Seth. Godmothershitfuckingdamn Seth Dominics with his stupid fucking grin and stupid face, and stupid unicorn horn…unicorn horn?
“Benjy,” The idiot exclaimed loudly, assuring him that even the neighbors heard it, “you ready?”
“Benjamin. I have never told you it was okay to call me Benjy,” Benjamin just looked down his nose as Seth with an unrelenting sternness.
“Benjy, you so cray cray!” Seth continued to exclaim as if the only way that Benjamin could hear him was at ridiculously high volumes, “So, are you ready?”
“I know I am going to regret this,” and he totally was, “but, ready for what?”
“MINNESOTA BRONY MEET-UP!” Like the megaphone that no one wanted or asked for.
“Oh dear god,” Benjamin shook his head, “Seth, I really don’t have time…”
“NONSENSE!” Seth pulled off the back pack he was wearing, opened it, and began rifling through it, “Okay, I know its short notice and everything, but trust me, it’ll TOTALLY be worth it.”
“Seth, no, seriously, I have a lot of shit…” It was no use, he wasn’t listening, “What the fuck are you looking for?”
“FOUND IT!” It often seemed that Seth Dominics and Nicholas Cage shared similar problems with volume control. He pulled out a pair of child-sized fake wings with shoulder straps and held it up to our hero with a sort of enthusiasm that Nintendo-64 Kid* would be envious of. It took Benjamin a minute to realize what was going on, but when it hit him (like as if he had been hit by a truck…a retarded truck) he quickly began to back away.
“Oh, fuck no,’ Benjamin tried to shut his front door on the cretin currently threatening him with an afternoon of social interaction and stupid costumes, but Seth stuck his foot in and made his way into the house, the pair of wings still extended out towards our hero, “no Seth. I refuse, I don’t care what you do.”
Seth lowered the wings sadly, feeling dejected by Benjamin’s refusal. He turned away and lowered his head in mourning over the death of his proposed plans. “Oh…That’s fine, I guess. I mean, it was just going to be a good time between to best friends…but, I mean…I guess I could always go alone, ya know…by myself, with no friends and such. I thought…just maybe, you would want to share this one thing with us, being that, ya know…we both like the show, but I won’t bother you anymore.”
“Nope, the guilt trip only works on people with human emotions,” Benjamin replied, trying to think of a way to get Seth out of his house, “I am a robot, completely immune to sadness, deal with it.”
“The sun will come out…tomorrow.”
“Nope, the song won’t work, don’t even try.”
“Bet your bottom dollar that…tomorrow…there’ll be sun…” A gentle weeping emanating from the only-cancer-you-want-to-kill-you named Seth.
“Oh for the love of fuck,” Benjamin sighed in defeat, “Fine.”
“YAY!” Seth spun around with the wings extended out towards Benjamin once again.
“No, no wings.”
“The sun will come out…tomorrow…”
“FINE!”
-.-.-
‘What is a brony meet-up’ you ask? Well, in order to answer that question, there is another question that we need to answer first, that question being, ‘what is a brony?’ There are two different ways to answer this question; the short answer and the long answer. The short answer; the adult male fan-base of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, but for the sake of entertainment and buffering this out from being a short three page piece of shit, lets dive a little deeper into this phenomenon. Hold on tight, mother fuckers, this ride is going to get weird;
In case you live under a rock, are a hermit living in the Himalayas who recently got wi-fi, or an individual with their fingers far from the pulse of pop-culture (ala the WCF locker room), My Little Pony is an entertainment franchise developed by Hasbro which is marketed primarily to girls. It started as a line of plastic pony toys developed by Bonnie Zacherle, Charles Muenchinger and Steve D'Aguanno which have been produced since 1983. (that’s right, this story involves two grown men and a marketing scheme meant to make little girls beg their parents to shell out hard earned money to pay for overpriced pony figurines). The ponies feature colorful bodies, manes and a unique symbol on one or both sides of their flanks. My Little Pony was launched in 1983 and the line became popular during the 1980s, and inspired animated specials, an animated feature length film, and four animated television series (not to mention the start to the inevitable animated apocalypse).
What does this have to do with our hero and his ever-so-annoying sidekick whom might better serve the world stopping traffic with his body? Well, recently a new incarnation of this demon spawn ploy to destroy homes has reared its ugly head in the form of an animated television series called ‘My Little Pony: Friend is Magic’ or ‘Oh dear god, please stop, some one stop this abomination, please kill me, there is no hope for this planet’. Now, like the other My Little Pony related incarnations of the past, this was intended as a show for little girls (read as ‘not forty year olds living in their mother’s basement’), but something strange occurred when the show, developed by Lauren Faust for the HUB network, aired its first season; there was a strange shift in the demographics. Small at first, but as the episodes continued to air, the anomaly became bigger and bigger; grown-ass-men were watching.
I know what you must be thinking, ‘but why?’, and despite all our technological advancements and constant research, no one is quite sure, all we are sure of is that no good could come from it. Men and boys of all ages were turning into to watch Twilight Sparkle and her friends solve day-to-day problems with the backdrop of unbearable horse-puns and nauseatingly upbeat music and characters. The internet soon exploded with this discovery and it began to be the topic on the tip of the tongue of all sensible human beings as they all asked the same question, ‘what the fuck is wrong with these people?’
There were a great deal of things speculated to explain this strange trend; ironic enjoyment (i.e. “I can’t believe we’re watching this show meant for little girls, how fucking stupid, lets laugh about it and then act like it’s the greatest thing in the world even though we all know it’s really stupid”), mass hysteria and brain-damage, thousands of men held at gun point to watch it and post about it online, but unfortunately none of these were the case as the epidemic slowly grew beyond our ability to contain it and revealed that these individuals of suspicious origin did indeed enjoy this show; men with families, working jobs, being productive members of society, spending time enjoying the escapades of tiny animated equine, it was madness and the world’s mouth was left agape. This fan-base ended up gaining the name Bronies (a mixture of bro, the name one endearingly uses when referring to a fellow male friend, and pony. The female counterpart being pegasister. Yep, that happened) and this new found demographic split the internet into a war; between the strange glitch in the matrix that were these pony loving men, and the rational, intelligent, totally-less-crazy individuals who looked down upon them for their strange existence. Fights were had, insults were thrown, and people screamed…well, one side did anyways, those crazy pony people just sat there and kept putting up this ‘love and tolerate’ bullshit.
What the fuck is up with that shit? Love? Tolerance? What kind of crazy morals is this shitty show teaching? This world was built on fighting, hatred, and greed; there is no room for positive thoughts and progressive morals. Get with the program and start hating each other like a normal human being and add to the confusion that already manifests itself in this life, am I right? Why bother with charity, helping, learning, and caring? What could possibly be accomplished by making the world a better place a little bit at a time? Though, I digress.
Soon enough these people could no longer contain their unnatural love in simple musings on the internet, they had to interact with each other in, ugh, real life. Brony Conventions began to spring up all over the country; CANterlot Con (South Ontario), The BronyDays (Paris, France), Running of the Leaves Con (Denver, Colorado), Nightmare Nights (Dallas, Texas), Pony Con AU (Melbourne, Australia), Brony-Fest (Lewisville, Texas), DerpyCon South (Southeast Louisana), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a good chance that there is a Brony convention happening somewhere around you, Godspeed to you if you attempt to stop it with a, maybe, a blowtorch or something.
What does this have to do with Benjamin? Well, as it turns out, our hero, one I had once believed to be perfect in every way- aside from the occasional drunken stupor or self-effacing behavior when not wrestling- is one of these awful creatures. I know, I was just as shocked as you are with this startling discovery. I mean, yeah, I could totally see that idiot Seth Dominics buying into all that shit, but Benjamin is supposed to be a man of great intellect, who would look down on something so silly and trivial with a sort of judgmental glare that would be befitting of any great ruler, how could he watch such an obvious blemish on this society? Well, we got caught up with him earlier this week and asked him that very question. He was reluctant to admit it at first, but after constant needling and a threat to reveal this information to the rest of the locker room, he was a bit more cooperative, see, aggression and hate always wins;
“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk about my match instead. I mean, it’s going to be pretty fun. I mean, they took a decent competitor who would have had a better chance by himself…and then paired him up with Jaysen Price…See what I did there? You were all probably assuming as I was going to say that Biohazard was the lesser of the two, but in saying Price was the lesser, I was insu- Okay, fine, I’ll answer your stupid question. I’m not sure why you are so interested; it’s not like it’s that big of a deal anyways.
---“Well, I don’t remember when I got into it, maybe a couple of months ago, I guess. I don’t know, I was really down about something, probably a loss or knowing that Zombie McMorris is still alive, but either way, I was sitting at home and roaming through Netflix. Well, I had heard about this whole stupid ‘brony’ thing and I figured it was just a bunch of people watching it ironically, so I just stayed away from that whole ‘my little pony’ thing for a while, but that night I needed something ridiculously positive to watch. I didn’t care if it was good, I just needed something positive.
---“So, there I was, scrolling through Netflix, and then I passed it; ’My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic’. I was hesitant, thinking ‘oh come on, you still have standards’, but it was late and nothing was on television so I thought ‘why the fuck not’ right? So, I watched the first episode, and then one episode turned into two episodes, which turned into three episodes, which turned into a whole season, which turned into two seasons, which turned into three season, which turned into me catching up on the fourth season…yeah, it’s kind of slippery slope.
---“So, yeah, I started watching the show, but I didn’t really associate with community at all. I kind of rationalized it as ‘okay, well, I watch the show, but I’m not a brony,’ but then I started looking stuff up and found out that its community isn’t just a bunch of weird middle-aged men, but instead it is a vast group of artists, musicians, singers, writers, and such. We are talking good artists too, very talented people all into this weird show, not to say there aren’t any shitty ones, there are plenty of those too, but the amount of talent is mind blowing. It was kind of an interesting thing to find when you suspect a bunch of losers wishing they were all ponies, like Seth Dominics. Yeah, Seth is into it too. I’m not sure how he got into it, he won’t talk about it much. Says it has something to do with Retro-cults, but I’m not really going to dig into it at all. I think some things are better left unexplained.
---“Do I interact with the community at all? Not really. I try to keep my distance. Not because I still think they are weird, some are though; it’s just a matter of being a celebrity figure, I don’t think it would really go over well. If I get invited to like a convention panel or something I might, but I don’t need getting the wrong idea of me. I still find most people disgusting little ingrates that are slowly destroying themselves, just because I watch a show about friendship doesn’t mean that has changed a single iota.”
We caught up with former wrestler, current director, and friend of Benjamin Atreyu, John Gable, to get his comments, “My Little Pony? That shit sucks, PHINEAS AND FERB 4 LYFE!”
So, there it is, folks; the story of the descent into madness. Do I hate Benjamin Atreyu, now? No, but do I respect him a little less? A little bit. I mean, who is he to attempt to find happiness within the confines of a shitty world by watching a kid’s show just to escape the constant and crippling anger/depression that we all have to face on a daily basis? But either way, back to our story.
-.-.-
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Driving with Seth to a goddamn Brony Meet-up. This is so fucking stupid. Benjamin sat in the passenger seat of Seth’s car, contemplating the different ways he could commit suicide at fifty miles-per-hour while on their way to the ‘brony meet-up’. He really didn’t want to go, but he also didn’t feel like having Seth sob all over his floor and drawing attention from the neighbors who might see the scene and make assumptions about the two. Fuck. Someone kill me. If someone recognizes me, I’m fucked. Benjamin eyes widened as he saw that they were approaching the Mall of American and suddenly realized what was going on.
“Wait, are you telling me the meet-up is in the mall?” Benjamin looked over at Seth with an angry glare.
“Of course!”
“Don’t say of course like this is obvious. If I have known this was going to be in the BIGGEST FUCKING MALL IN THE COUNTRY, I would have never said yes!”
“Seems like someone is still in the Brony closet.”
“See, its things like that, that make me want to axe murder you. No, seriously, though, turn this car around and drop me off back home. Go if you want, but I’m out.”
“The sun will come out…”
“NO! Fuck you! Fuck your stupid song! I want out!”
“Come on, we’re almost there. If it turns out to suck, you can…um…I don’t know…hit me or something.”
“Hit you hard?”
“As hard as you want.”
“…”
“…with a chair.”
“Deal.”
“YES! MUSIC TIME!”
Seth Dominics turns on his car stereo and the beginning to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme begins to play, with Seth singing along…
“My Little Pony! My Little Pony! aaaaAAAAAAHAHHH! MY LITTLE PONY! I use to wonder what friendship could be. MY LITTLE PONY!! Until you shared all its magic with me! BIG ADVENTURES! TONS OF FUN! A BEAUTIFUL HEART! FAITHFUL AND STRONG! SHARING KINDESS! ITS AN EASY FEAT! AND MAGIC MAKES IT ALL COMPLETE!”
“I might just stick my head out the window until something smashes into it.”
When they arrived to the meet-up spot, a group of bronies (because I refuse to call it a ‘herd’) approached our hero and greeted him warmly, something he did not return. Seth interacted with them openly, sharing their sort of disillusioned whimsicalness with the strangers passing through the mall trying to avoid the stampede (excuse the pun) of ‘love’ and ‘tolerance’. I really could be doing something more important. I could be preparing for my match, but I’m stuck here instead. Well, at least it will be worth hitting Seth over the head with a chair. Benjamin just sat at a table as the bunch ran around doing Brony things and the various stuff such an umbrella term might cover. Many of the bronies attempted to speak to Benjamin, but they were quickly dissuaded by his cold demeanor and angry glare.
However, at one point, it seemed the bronies had gained the attention of an unsavory group of individuals that one might refer to as ‘mall ninjas’, the sort of individuals obsessed with their tough-guy personas. At first it was light mockery and shared chuckles among their friends as the bronies passed by, but after a while, they began to follow the bronies from a distance and yell out the typical jock-head insults of ‘fags’ and such. The group tried to ignore them, but eventually the opposing force began to become a bit more direct and began to make fun of the show. Benjamin paid them no mind, annoyed with their antics, but just shrugging it off as stupid teenage behavior. Though, unfortunately, Seth, being the naïve extrovert he is known to be, decided to take matters head on and promote a more positive response.
“Love and tolerance, guys. Can’t we all just get along.” Benjamin saw the interaction and cringed.
“What the fuck is with that fruity horn?”
“Ah, good question, what is with my fruity horn, indeed. Well, gentlemen, this is the horn of a Pegasus…”
“Fag.”
“I assure you sir, I am neither a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that, nor a cigarette, but I can see where my appearance might confuse you into a misguided assumption.”
“Fag.”
“Okay, I am starting to think…”
“Pony fag.”
“Sir, I would implore you to…”
“Sorry, I don’t talk to pony fuckers.”
“Really, guys. Come on…”
“Why don’t you go jerk off to Twilight Sparkle in your mom’s basement.”
Feeling dejected, Seth ceases to try to communicate…with words. Instead the next sound that Benjamin hears is the crack of a bone and the thud of a human body hitting the ground. Seth had decided that communication would dramatically improve if the individual’s nose was knocked deep into his face. Benjamin’s eyes widen as the now enraged Seth Dominics stands over the fallen body.
“MOTHER FUCKER! I AM A GROWN ASS MAN! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SOME AFTERSCHOOL SPECIAL BULLSHIT! I WILL EAT YOUR FACE! YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE BEST! DON’T BE BRINGING NO SORRY CARTOON LIKE DORA THE EXPLORER! L.O.B.!”
Needless to say, Benjamin took that as a good queue to grab Seth and get the hell out of dodge. Okay, so it wasn’t all for not. That was pretty funny. I guess I can’t hit Seth with that chair, but at least we’re out of there before the security could stop us.
-.-.-
The following letter was sent to Seth’s parole officer the following day;
Dear Princess Celestia,
I learned that sometimes you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well you might find you get what you need. If one of your friends don’t feel like doing something with you, you can always bribe or guilt them into it, which is what I think more of us could learn sometimes, and if those two options don’t work…violence, violence will always get shit done!
Your faithful student,
Seth Dominics
“Dear god…”
“Frank, is that a letter from the guy who always calls you princess celestia?”
“Yeah, he is a brony or something.”
“Fuck that shit, Phineas and Ferb 4 lyfe!”
