Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2014 19:16:04 GMT -5
(WCF backstage interviewer Hank Brown sunbathes on the desk of a yacht. He looks like the cat that got the cream; grinning contently and eyes closed. As the camera comes closer, Brown opens his eyes and sits up attentively.)
Hank Brown: Here I am on the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Queensland, Australia. What brings me on this expensive and, frankly, rather pleasurable interview assignment? Of course, I am here at the behest of new WCF superstar 'The Shine' Brent Alpine who hails nearby in the state of QLD. The Aussie native has already raised a few eyebrows but hardly pulled up trees in his triple threat debut on Slam last week against The Ultimate Destroyer and the winner, Michael Lassiter. So it's no surprise that very few fans or experts are tipping him to defeat the more experienced Mod Deuce, Jayden Thunder and Denise D'Evil at tomorrow night's Payback Pay Per View.
('Alone in Kyoto' by Air accompanies the scene as our view now switches underwater to the beautiful Great Barrier Reef.)
(We admire a kaleidoscopic paradise of coral, fish, sea turtles, seagrass, ascidians and more. A diver in full snorkel gear comes into view. He taps the very bottom of the ocean triumphantly. We follow him as he takes an upward turn and swims towards the surface. Air bubbles and ripples froth around the camera. The sunlight intensifies the closer the diver gets to the surface. So bright it's nearly blinding. His momentum creates a smash as he reaches the air. He treads water for a few moments, looks around and then swims onto the back of the yacht. He walks right up to Hank Brown, splashing him in the process.)
Hank Brown: HEY!
(The diver stands imposingly over Brown as though about to strike him. He takes off his snorkeling helmet. It's Brent Alpine.)
Brent Alpine (puffing slightly): Sorry mate.
Hank Brown: Brent Alpine, how's life so far in the Wrestling Championship Federation?
Brent Alpine: Fantastic.
Hank Brown: OK. You want to elaborate on that? How are you adapting to the big league?
Brent Alpine: Can I just catch my breath, Dingo? (he gestures grabbing air like he's made the winning catch in the World Series) Adapting? I have adapted perfectly. It's the WCF that needs to adapt to me. The wrestlers, fans and corporate bods are all a little slow. They're too entangled in a web of dreariness and lethargy to recognise this magnificence that has graced their presence. Historically, there's a pattern. Jesus Christ was rejected by his own people in Nazareth. When Albert Einstein was a little nipper, his parents and teachers thought he was mentally handicapped. Nelson Mandela was considered a terrorist for most of his life. Of course people would struggle to appreciate a great visionary like Brent Alpine. They are flopping around in their dark little worlds. It's no surprise that the WCF are squinting at the spectacle of The Shine! See this...?
(Alpine points at the ocean that surrounds them. It is mesmeric.)
Brent Alpine: To you people, the Great Barrier Reef is one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World. To you, it's a dream. To me, it's mundane. Your dreams are standard and two dimensional. Mine are high definition. I see colours brighter and my senses are permanently hightened. My mind and my body are beacons of brilliance. Sometimes it's a challenge to function - I have to suppress my light, conceal my genius and happiness in sympathy of all the suffering and mediocrity around me. It's truly a miracle that I choose to be with you all and offer open arms of friendship.
Hank Brown: You're comparing yourself to Jesus, Einstein and Mandela. Do you not run the risk of being disrespectful?
Brent Alpine: Aw strewth, noooo. I don't mean disrespect. I love you all.
Hank Brown: Well so far, the WCF has seen you in a graveyard with horny teenagers, get outsmarted by kids you were babysitting and hallucinate after a cake binge. Not forgetting you coming up short in your triple threat debut on Slam. How can you blame the WCF fans and staff for their tepid response to you? How are we supposed to take you seriously?
Brent Alpine: Hey Hanky Panky, I thought you were supposed to be an unbiased and neutral source of reporting?! Well, I forgive ya. No drama. The fact is that I'm 6 foot 6, 227 pounds. I'm gorgeous. I am charming, funny, athletic, an amazing dresser, wise, brave and the best wrestler in the entire galaxy. I can do anything. I'm an expert in every combat style and discipline. I've turned down numerous offers to train assassins, Secret Service agents, the FBI and more organisations that I can't even mention. Envy has been a familiar foe all my life. Other babies were spitting at me in the maternity ward. Even then, I was a super Shine baby with muscles popping out of my diapers.
(He takes off his wetsuit to reveal his ripped physique and vibrant wrestling trunks.)
Brent Alpine: Do you know the quote about playing small not serving the world or some crap?
Hank Brown: Of course, Marianne Williamson - 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
Brent Alpine: Well it's a big crock! It couldn't be more wrong. Humanity hates the light and, let's face it cobber, most of you don't have it. Over the years, I have had to withhold my greatness. If I don't dumb myself down, people either wilt in their poverty of talent... or they attack. So I have to start off slowly here in WCF. But ultimately, I can't help reverting to factory settings. To default mode - RADIANCE.
Hank Brown: If everyone is so inferior to you, why are you so desperate to be everyone's 'mate'?
Brent Alpine: Compassion. Plain and simple.
Hank Brown (sceptical): Moving on. Ahead of Payback, most of the discussion centers around Denise D'Evil and the Shadows. It seems that they will finally be revealed tomorrow night. Does that worry you?
Brent Alpine: Something's definitely up. The Shadows are lurking and Denise seems pretty convinced that they are powerful blokes. Also ominous is the complete silence of Jayden Thunder and Mod Deuce. For drongos who have done a lot of gum flapping in WCF, it is a mystery that they seem to have disappeared off the face of the globe. Perhaps they are two of the Shadows and I'm in a glorified 3 on 1 handicapped match. I am prepared for that possibillity. Whatever the case, The Shine can not be dulled. Brent Alpine will be causing the most surprise at Payback.
Hank Brown: And what is your response to D'Evil's comments about you yesterday?
Brent Alpine: She's kinda hot. In a scary, necrophilic way, of course. To be honest, her words merged together in a high pitched shriek like a fly having its blood sucked out by a spider. I don't really recall what she said. Something maybe about me being undeserving of being in the match? I agree with her. What have I done to deserve the burden of carrying the match among such a scarcity of talent? Don't get me wrong - I like them all very much. But I'm all about calling a spade a spade. Spades are great but eventually they all end up hitting the dirt.
Hank Brown: Who do you think the Shadows of Darkness are? Do you fear they will cost you the match?
Brent Alpine: I can't claim to know who those dangs are. One thing I know is that anyone that hides in the shadows is suffering from deep shame. Shame is a result of a deficiency of light, a proclivity for mistakes, a propensity towards failure. True greatness SHINES. It will be great to meet them at Payback and say hi. I'd be happy to council them and illuminate their sad little lives.
Hank Brown: Sounds like you might be making some dangerous enemies. Any comments for your other opponents Mod Deuce or Jayden Thunder?
Brent Alpine: They've been as quiet as wallabies so they aint giving me much to go on. I've been watching previous tapes and matches to get a sense of what I'm up against. Deuce is an angry sort. He's big and full of spunk. He seems to like trucks, puddings, beer and sheilas. A regular, working class guy. Well a regular guy who happens to be 6 foot 9. The trouble with that is that regular is always superseded by spectacular. As for Jayden Thunder, I notice that the bloke seems to be plagued with self doubt. He worries he's washed up. Well, I'm here to tell him that he doesn't need to worry anymore. He doesn't need to drive himself crazy with negative beliefs about himself. He need not have any self doubt at all. Let me tell him the truth and the truth shall set him free - Jayden... you are washed up. Why fight it? I will show him at Payback that he is finished. Then he can retire, have a nice life and we can be good mates. Sometimes it's kinder to be cruel. At Payback, I'm going to rip the plaster, or band-aid as the Yanks call it, OFF.
Hank Brown: OK Brent. Thanks for your time and for setting up this vacation opportunity. Good luck at Payback tomorrow night, live on Pay Per View.
Brent Alpine: Hooroo Hanky Panky.
(Alpine yanks Brown into a long embrace. He rubs his back. Our favourite interviewer looks mortified. Fade to black.)
Hank Brown: Here I am on the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Queensland, Australia. What brings me on this expensive and, frankly, rather pleasurable interview assignment? Of course, I am here at the behest of new WCF superstar 'The Shine' Brent Alpine who hails nearby in the state of QLD. The Aussie native has already raised a few eyebrows but hardly pulled up trees in his triple threat debut on Slam last week against The Ultimate Destroyer and the winner, Michael Lassiter. So it's no surprise that very few fans or experts are tipping him to defeat the more experienced Mod Deuce, Jayden Thunder and Denise D'Evil at tomorrow night's Payback Pay Per View.
('Alone in Kyoto' by Air accompanies the scene as our view now switches underwater to the beautiful Great Barrier Reef.)
(We admire a kaleidoscopic paradise of coral, fish, sea turtles, seagrass, ascidians and more. A diver in full snorkel gear comes into view. He taps the very bottom of the ocean triumphantly. We follow him as he takes an upward turn and swims towards the surface. Air bubbles and ripples froth around the camera. The sunlight intensifies the closer the diver gets to the surface. So bright it's nearly blinding. His momentum creates a smash as he reaches the air. He treads water for a few moments, looks around and then swims onto the back of the yacht. He walks right up to Hank Brown, splashing him in the process.)
Hank Brown: HEY!
(The diver stands imposingly over Brown as though about to strike him. He takes off his snorkeling helmet. It's Brent Alpine.)
Brent Alpine (puffing slightly): Sorry mate.
Hank Brown: Brent Alpine, how's life so far in the Wrestling Championship Federation?
Brent Alpine: Fantastic.
Hank Brown: OK. You want to elaborate on that? How are you adapting to the big league?
Brent Alpine: Can I just catch my breath, Dingo? (he gestures grabbing air like he's made the winning catch in the World Series) Adapting? I have adapted perfectly. It's the WCF that needs to adapt to me. The wrestlers, fans and corporate bods are all a little slow. They're too entangled in a web of dreariness and lethargy to recognise this magnificence that has graced their presence. Historically, there's a pattern. Jesus Christ was rejected by his own people in Nazareth. When Albert Einstein was a little nipper, his parents and teachers thought he was mentally handicapped. Nelson Mandela was considered a terrorist for most of his life. Of course people would struggle to appreciate a great visionary like Brent Alpine. They are flopping around in their dark little worlds. It's no surprise that the WCF are squinting at the spectacle of The Shine! See this...?
(Alpine points at the ocean that surrounds them. It is mesmeric.)
Brent Alpine: To you people, the Great Barrier Reef is one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World. To you, it's a dream. To me, it's mundane. Your dreams are standard and two dimensional. Mine are high definition. I see colours brighter and my senses are permanently hightened. My mind and my body are beacons of brilliance. Sometimes it's a challenge to function - I have to suppress my light, conceal my genius and happiness in sympathy of all the suffering and mediocrity around me. It's truly a miracle that I choose to be with you all and offer open arms of friendship.
Hank Brown: You're comparing yourself to Jesus, Einstein and Mandela. Do you not run the risk of being disrespectful?
Brent Alpine: Aw strewth, noooo. I don't mean disrespect. I love you all.
Hank Brown: Well so far, the WCF has seen you in a graveyard with horny teenagers, get outsmarted by kids you were babysitting and hallucinate after a cake binge. Not forgetting you coming up short in your triple threat debut on Slam. How can you blame the WCF fans and staff for their tepid response to you? How are we supposed to take you seriously?
Brent Alpine: Hey Hanky Panky, I thought you were supposed to be an unbiased and neutral source of reporting?! Well, I forgive ya. No drama. The fact is that I'm 6 foot 6, 227 pounds. I'm gorgeous. I am charming, funny, athletic, an amazing dresser, wise, brave and the best wrestler in the entire galaxy. I can do anything. I'm an expert in every combat style and discipline. I've turned down numerous offers to train assassins, Secret Service agents, the FBI and more organisations that I can't even mention. Envy has been a familiar foe all my life. Other babies were spitting at me in the maternity ward. Even then, I was a super Shine baby with muscles popping out of my diapers.
(He takes off his wetsuit to reveal his ripped physique and vibrant wrestling trunks.)
Brent Alpine: Do you know the quote about playing small not serving the world or some crap?
Hank Brown: Of course, Marianne Williamson - 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
Brent Alpine: Well it's a big crock! It couldn't be more wrong. Humanity hates the light and, let's face it cobber, most of you don't have it. Over the years, I have had to withhold my greatness. If I don't dumb myself down, people either wilt in their poverty of talent... or they attack. So I have to start off slowly here in WCF. But ultimately, I can't help reverting to factory settings. To default mode - RADIANCE.
Hank Brown: If everyone is so inferior to you, why are you so desperate to be everyone's 'mate'?
Brent Alpine: Compassion. Plain and simple.
Hank Brown (sceptical): Moving on. Ahead of Payback, most of the discussion centers around Denise D'Evil and the Shadows. It seems that they will finally be revealed tomorrow night. Does that worry you?
Brent Alpine: Something's definitely up. The Shadows are lurking and Denise seems pretty convinced that they are powerful blokes. Also ominous is the complete silence of Jayden Thunder and Mod Deuce. For drongos who have done a lot of gum flapping in WCF, it is a mystery that they seem to have disappeared off the face of the globe. Perhaps they are two of the Shadows and I'm in a glorified 3 on 1 handicapped match. I am prepared for that possibillity. Whatever the case, The Shine can not be dulled. Brent Alpine will be causing the most surprise at Payback.
Hank Brown: And what is your response to D'Evil's comments about you yesterday?
Brent Alpine: She's kinda hot. In a scary, necrophilic way, of course. To be honest, her words merged together in a high pitched shriek like a fly having its blood sucked out by a spider. I don't really recall what she said. Something maybe about me being undeserving of being in the match? I agree with her. What have I done to deserve the burden of carrying the match among such a scarcity of talent? Don't get me wrong - I like them all very much. But I'm all about calling a spade a spade. Spades are great but eventually they all end up hitting the dirt.
Hank Brown: Who do you think the Shadows of Darkness are? Do you fear they will cost you the match?
Brent Alpine: I can't claim to know who those dangs are. One thing I know is that anyone that hides in the shadows is suffering from deep shame. Shame is a result of a deficiency of light, a proclivity for mistakes, a propensity towards failure. True greatness SHINES. It will be great to meet them at Payback and say hi. I'd be happy to council them and illuminate their sad little lives.
Hank Brown: Sounds like you might be making some dangerous enemies. Any comments for your other opponents Mod Deuce or Jayden Thunder?
Brent Alpine: They've been as quiet as wallabies so they aint giving me much to go on. I've been watching previous tapes and matches to get a sense of what I'm up against. Deuce is an angry sort. He's big and full of spunk. He seems to like trucks, puddings, beer and sheilas. A regular, working class guy. Well a regular guy who happens to be 6 foot 9. The trouble with that is that regular is always superseded by spectacular. As for Jayden Thunder, I notice that the bloke seems to be plagued with self doubt. He worries he's washed up. Well, I'm here to tell him that he doesn't need to worry anymore. He doesn't need to drive himself crazy with negative beliefs about himself. He need not have any self doubt at all. Let me tell him the truth and the truth shall set him free - Jayden... you are washed up. Why fight it? I will show him at Payback that he is finished. Then he can retire, have a nice life and we can be good mates. Sometimes it's kinder to be cruel. At Payback, I'm going to rip the plaster, or band-aid as the Yanks call it, OFF.
Hank Brown: OK Brent. Thanks for your time and for setting up this vacation opportunity. Good luck at Payback tomorrow night, live on Pay Per View.
Brent Alpine: Hooroo Hanky Panky.
(Alpine yanks Brown into a long embrace. He rubs his back. Our favourite interviewer looks mortified. Fade to black.)
