Post by Jonny Fly on Jan 23, 2014 22:09:02 GMT -5
Note: I was having issues with the font coloring through ProBoards...so, you get no color. Sorry.
Our scene begins at the Denver International Airport. We’re on the first floor at Terminal E where passengers who have recently deplaned have gathered around baggage claim #2 to retrieve their luggage. From behind us, we hear a man yelling.
“MY SHIT ISN’T THERE.”
We spin around to see Jonny Fly at a baggage claim kiosk yelling at a twenty-something year old (and somewhat nerdy looking) man. The man has a blank expression of his face is just shrugs his shoulders and holds out his hand signaling that he doesn’t know what happened. Fly proceeds to berate him even further. Flustered, the man begins to type away at his computer trying to look for a solution to whatever problem this may be.
Fly: It’s pretty fuckin’ simple. I boarded in New York and gave your airline my luggage. Then I landed in Denver…WITH NO LUGGAGE. We don’t need to call in a fuckin’ supersleuth to figure out what happened.
The attendant responds in kind, trying his hardest to remain calm with a giant 6-5, 230 pound professional wrestler/former criminal mastermind yelling at him.
Attendant: I’m very sorry sir. I’m trying to figure out what happened right now. If you’ll just bear with me for a moment…
Heh. Yeah, no.
Fly: WHAT IS THERE TO FIGURE OUT?! I had luggage. Now I don’t. You guys lost my shit. You probably sent it to fuckin’ Boise or some god damn shithole. I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO GO TO SOME SHITHOLE TO GET MY STUFF…
Fly’s yelling has drawn the attention of quite a few of the airport patrons. By quite a few, I mean basically everyone in Terminal E. Fly’s really putting his belly into his yelling. Textbook form for when you really want your voice to carry. From the side of our screen a woman approaches, Dr. Stella Montgomery, who suspiciously is in Denver with Fly – probably to try and touch his wiener.
Dr. Montgomery: Jonny, why are you yelling?
Fly turns to his therapist to respond to her peacekeeping efforts.
Fly: This dipshit lost my luggage.
Fly says, pointing to the dipshit in question. Dr. Montgomery rolls her eyes and tries to lightly push Fly away from the kiosk’s counter.
Dr. Montgomery: I can assure you that man specifically didn’t lose your luggage.
Fly strong arms Dr. Montgomery, refusing to move from his spot.
Fly: I had my favorite fuckin’ suit in those bags. It was custom. It cost more than this little kiosk cunt makes in a year.
The therapist grabs Fly on the arm this time and pulls him away from the kiosk. Like a mother whose child has been bad, she begins to scold him in a hushed tone.
Dr. Montgomery: What the hell are you doing? That man is just trying to do his job. He’s also the only person who’s trying to help you get your stuff back. Maybe if you’re a little nicer he’ll work harder for you. Did you ever think about that?
Fly says nothing.
Dr. Montgomery: Let’s go back over there. This time let me do the talking.
Fly: Whatever.
Dr. Montgomery and Fly walk back to the kiosk.
Dr. Montgomery: Sorry about that, sir. He’s just frustrated because he had some valuables in his luggage and he’d like to get them back as soon as possible.
Fly: Yeah. AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE…SIR.
The attendant is still typing away his computer. He’s shaking his head in frustration at what he’s finding out. He sighs and looks up at Fly and Dr. Montgomery.
Attendant: I’m very sorry, but it appears his luggage was never removed from the plane.
Dr. Montgomery: So where is it going?
Attendant: Casper, Wyoming.
Fly: OH SON OF A BITCH! CASPER? Some city named after a friendly ghost! FUCK THAT. They’re not even real! I’m going to the bathroom to slit my wrists…
Of course…Fly doesn’t walk away. He doesn’t leave because, let’s face it, we’d miss him if he left our scene. This is supposed to be a story about how Fly and Dr. Montgomery retrieve his belongings while having some fun (NOT A SEX SPOILER), but we can’t do that if he’s in the bathroom slitting his wrists. The attendant matter-of-factly responds to Fly outburst regarding the future location of his luggage.
Attendant: Sir, Casper is named after the Casper Mountain. It’s the second biggest city in the state of Wyoming.
Many lol’s. Fly just stands there, almost at a loss for words. ALMOST.
Fly: YEAH. It’s also the second to last place I want to ever be in the world. The first being this bitch’s vagina.
Fly points to Dr. Montgomery. I told you there wasn’t going to be any sex.
Dr. Montgomery: HEY!
Fly ignores her and proceeds to question the attendant further.
Fly: Look dude, I want my shit back. Can’t you do one of the midair transports where you put my shit on a wire and send it over to another plane that’s on its way back here?
Fly is serious. The attendant looks like he just shit his pants.
Attendant: Uh…no. We can’t do that. That’s only done in movies.
Fly: UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. Tell me then, when is the earliest that you can have it flown back from the bowels of the friendly ghost?
Attendant: You mean Casper. Let me check.
The attendant goes back to his computer and pushes some buttons, you know, doing his best to look useful.
Attendant: It appears…
The dude makes a sour face. He pushes some more buttons.
Attendant: Yep, I’m not sure…
More buttons are pressed
Attendant: Hmmm. Yeah, so what I’m seeing…
MORE BUTTONS. Fly has had enough.
Fly: FOR FUCK SAKE! ON WITH IT.
Attendant: There are no more outgoing flights from Casper to Denver this evening. I’m very sorry. The Casper airport is not a high volume hub, so the flights are limited.
Fly: I would have never guessed that.
He’s not serious. Seriously.
Attendant: We can have your luggage here by 11:00 AM tomorrow morning. We would be happy to put you up in a hotel tonight for the inconvenience.
Fly: Are you fuckin’ kidding me? NO. I need my shit tonight. YOU – give me your car keys.
Attendant: WHAT?
Dr. Montgomery: Uh, Jonny…
Fly: Shut up, skank. I’m driving to Casper, even if it means I have to fight that fuckin’ ghost and a shit ton of cattle and cowboys. I’m getting my luggage back!
Fly directs his attention to the attendant.
Fly: Now, I need your car.
Attendant: Sir, we have rental cars here. They’re located outside in the bottom floor of the parking garage. We’d be happy to offer you one complimentary if you would like to go pick up your luggage directly.
Fly: THAT’S RIGHT.
The attendant goes back to his trust computer and punches more buttons. Eventually a voucher for a free rental car is printed. The attendant hands over the piece of paper to Fly.
Attendant: I apologize again for the…
Fly begins walking away, yelling back…
Fly: Shove a tampon in it, bitch.
Dr. Montgomery apologizes to the attendant briefly, and then scurries to catch up with him. They make their way down the terminal until a pair of sliding glass doors emerges on their left. They head left and make their way outside. They cross thought the airport drop-off area toward the parking garage on the other side of the road. They head down a small flight of stairs and enter the garage. On the first floor, the first sign they see is for an Enterprise Rental Car station. Another man in a glass kiosk awaits them. Fly approaches and greets the man.
Fly: Hello. So, because some fucker messed up with my luggage I have this free voucher to grab a car here and drive to motherfuckin’ Casper, Wyoming.
Enterprise Dude: Casper, you say? It’s not so bad. Good hookers.
Fly: …
Dr. Montgomery: Oh, lord. Now you’ve done it.
Fly: QUICK, GET ME A VEHICLE!
Enterprise Dude: I’ll just need your voucher and your driver’s license.
Fly passes his voucher and driver’s license through the slit in the kiosk. The Enterprise dude begins to punch in his information and after a few minutes gives him some paperwork to sign. We’ll skip through all that bullshit to when the man tells Fly…
Enterprise Dude: Alright Mr. Fly, feel free to pick any car on the lot. The keys are in the ignition. I’ll walk with you to take down the license plate number and then you can be on your way.
Fly: Awesome!
Fly turns toward where the cars are parked and walks toward them. He sees a bunch of sub-compact cars, compact cars, sedans, and even some SUV’s. He’s not interested in any of them. One particular vehicle catches his eye. He turns back to the Enterprise dude and points to the car.
Fly: I’ll take that!
Fly is pointing to a Ford Mustang at the end of the aisle.
Enterprise Dude: Good selection. Just let me get the plates and then you’ll be off speeding toward Casper.
Fly walks toward the car and enters through the driver’s door. Dr. Montgomery heads to the other side of the car and enters through the passenger door. The Enterprise dude takes the last notes on the vehicle that he needs and waves to Fly that he’s good to go. Fly turns the key in the ignition and pulls out of the parking garage. Our scene picks up inside the vehicle as a conversation begins between Dr. Montgomery and Fly.
Dr. Montgomery: So uh…was this trip worth it now?
Fly: Nobody made you come along. I told you I needed to come here to get inside my opponent’s head and understand him better.
Dr. Montgomery: As your therapist, I had no choice but to come and try to talk you out of this.
Fly: Bullshit. You just came here to try to rape me while I’m under the influence.
Dr. Montgomery: Perhaps you shouldn’t do it then.
Fly: Perhaps I should drop you off in the corner in Casper so you can be amongst your own kind.
Dr. Montgomery: …and yeah, what the fuck is your deal with getting your luggage back so quickly? It’s nearly a four hour drive to get there.
Fly: I NEED MY BAG. That’s why.
Dr. Montgomery: Unbelievable. We’re going to spend eight hours driving to Wyoming and back just because you don’t want to wait until tomorrow to get your luggage.
Fly: Yes. There are things in that bag I need. Plus, in this car it’ll be six hours, tops. Actually, make that six and half, we have to make a stop.
Dr. Montgomery: What? Where?
Fly: Pharmacy.
Dr. Montgomery: Of course.
Fly is just about to get on Interstate 25 in Denver when he catches a sign on the side of the road for a place called ‘Medicine Man.’
Fly: Jackpot!
Fly immediately veers off the road and pulls into the Medicine Man parking lot.
Dr. Montgomery: Oh come on, we’re not actually going to do this…are we?
Fly doesn’t respond. He merely parks the car in front of the shop and gets out. Dr. Montgomery begrudgingly follows and the two head inside. As soon as they enter a distinct odor surrounds us. It becomes quite apparent that the Medicine Man is a shop that sells legal marijuana. Fly walks toward a glass case that serves as the shops main counter. Inside the glass are several jars of different types of cannabis, each labeled with their name and price. He scans the glass and then looks up at the man behind the counter.
Fly: Let’s make this easy. Give me your best stuff, a pipe, and a lighter.
The man raises his eyebrows before responding.
Man: You want the best? Alright, how much do you need? An ounce?
Fly: How much does an ounce cost?
The man reaches under glass and grabs a jar labeled “Golden Goat.” He sets it on the counter.
Man: This is top shelf stuff. It’s bred right here in the back. It’s what we call a hybrid, with both sativa and indica strains, combining the best of both worlds in one bud. This jar is one ounce and it’ll cost you $350.
Fly nearly faints.
Fly: THREE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Those are crack prices!
Man: Sorry man, it’s all taxes though. It’s out of our control. If you want the best stuff, this is it. I’ll throw in the pipe and lighter for free.
As the man says that, he reaches under the counter again and takes out a glass pipe and a lighter and sets them on the counter. Fly takes in a deep sigh and pulls out his wallet. He grabs four $100 bills and sets them on the counter.
Fly: Don’t sweat it. Keep the change. I appreciate your help.
Fly grabs the weed, lighter, and pipe and turns around, exiting the Medicine Man shop. He and Dr. Montgomery head back to the rental car. Inside, he hands the jar to Dr. Montgomery in the passenger seat.
Fly: Open it up for me. You do know how to do this, right?
Dr. Montgomery: You’re seriously going to smoke this while we’re driving?
Fly: Well…maybe not ALL of it…but yeah, some. That’s what we’re here for.
Dr. Montgomery: BUT YOU’RE DRIVING!
Fly: You’re right. It could be dangerous. Why don’t you go ahead and get out so that I don’t kill you.
Dr. Montgomery scowls. She knows what Fly is trying to do.
Dr. Montgomery: NO. You’re not getting rid of me that easy. I’ll do it.
Fly: Fine. Then light me up, bitch.
Fly hands Dr. Montgomery the glass pipe and lighter. He pulls the car keys out of his pocket and starts the engine. Fly pulls out of his parking space and back onto the road. Meanwhile, Dr. Montgomery takes out a few buds from the jar and stuffs them into the pipe. She takes the lighter in hand and covers up the rushhole, lighting the pipe. She takes a look at Fly and smiles, proceeding to take the first hit.
Fly: So much for talking me out of it.
Dr. Montgomery ignores Fly and sucks in and then removes her finger from the rushhole, allow the rest of the smoke to release. She takes it in briefly, before exhaling….and then coughing.
Fly: Nice! Is it good?
Dr. Montgomery: (still coughing) Best. Ever.
Fly: Ever? EVER?! Quick, puff, puff, pass bitch.
Dr. Montgomery takes another hit and then passes the pipe to Fly. He grabs hold of it with one arm and takes a hit.
Fly: WHOO! You’re right. That shit hits you immediately.
Fly quickly takes another hit before passing the pipe back to Dr. Montgomery. She takes another hit. As she coughs for the second time, she rolls down her window just a crack to let the car vent.
Dr. Montgomery: God damn. He gave you the best alright. So, what do you think? Are you feeling like you understand Waylon Cash more?
Fly: Understand Waylon Cash more? What are you talking about?
Dr. Montgomery: You LITERALLY just told me you wanted to smoke weed to get a better snapshot into the head of Cash.
Fly: Oh, right, yeah.
Dr. Montgomery: I’m getting the feeling now that you lied to me when you said that.
Fly: I mean…maybe. Check this out. I’m pretty sure this shit makes you invincible. The only two states where marijuana is legal? Washington and Colorado. Guess which teams are going to the Super Bowl? SEATTLE AND DENVER. Coincidence? I think not.
Dr. Montgomery: So…you think smoking this makes you have super powers?
Fly: MAYBE!
With that logic now out in the open, Dr. Montgomery decides to take another hit.
Fly: Quit hogging! My turn!
Dr. Montgomery hands Fly the pipe and he takes two more hits before passing it back. He decides to roll down his window as the inside of the rental car has become quite hazy at this point.
Fly: Let’s talk about Waylon for a moment. Obviously he isn’t invincible. We’ve seen that on numerous occasions. If you look into everything a little further, however, you’ll see that Waylon is just some southern fuck who talks with a ridiculous accent, wears clothes straight out of the 1800’s, and conducts himself no different than a child with an enormous chip on his shoulder. How does THAT type of man come to challenge for World Titles, doc?
Dr. Montgomery: Are you saying this is where smoking weed comes in? That’s pretty lame. Can’t you come up with something better than that?
Fly: No, no. Hear me out. Waylon and I are about the same size, neither of us particularly big for our profession. Not small, but we’re not fuckin’ Odin Balfore either. Unlike me, Waylon isn’t a freak athlete. He’s not a master technician. He’s not particularly strong, fast, or smart. He’s an all-around wrestler…an AVERAGE all-around wrestler. He doesn’t possess a single trait that levitates him above the masses. He’s a bland, monotonous, and garden-variety talent. Yet…here he is in the Main Event of Payback. Most confusing yet, he deserves this opportunity. I’ve already admitted that.
Dr. Montgomery: So…?
Fly: I’ve never faced Waylon Cash one on one. I’ve beat him up in several matches that involved others, but never one on one. I need perspective on Waylon. I need to understand him better. So…tonight…we get Jonny Fly high and maybe when it’s all said and done we’ll understand him better.
As if celebrating that concept, Dr. Montgomery takes another hit. Then she coughs again. What a bitch. She hands the pipe off to Fly who takes another hit. At this point the buds in the pipe are mostly burnt up. Dr. Montgomery grabs the jar and repacks the pipe. As she does, Fly continues talking.
Fly: The biggest thing I have against Waylon, if you want to call it that, is that he presents himself as something more than he is. It’s an inferiority complex that most have. He’s not the only one out there who thinks he’s the best wrestler in the planet. I’ve said what I think about Waylon’s skill set, but it’s really simpler than that. His resume falls short on substance. How can you be the greatest wrestler on the plant when you’ve never even been the top guy in your own company?
In between lighting the pipe, Dr. Montgomery manages a cough filled response.
Dr. Montgomery: Top guy? *cough* Waylon has a *cough* World Title belt.
Fly: Yes, he most certainly does. I’m not talking about being World Champion. Like most would do to him, I’m not even going to harp on his title reign. That crap has been said so many times, I no longer need to remind anyone. The fact is that the Waylon Cash who was World Champion was NOT the top guy in the company. That was 2012, and there was only one top guy that year – me. That’s not even something that can be argued. Waylon Cash did not beat me for his World Title. He’s never beaten me. Cash’s World Title reign was neatly tucked into the corner and forgotten because my dominance over the WCF was what took center stage. That’s a microcosm of his entire career. He’s simply been the guy standing in the corner while I’ve carved out a career that makes this even the industry’s greatest legends jealous.
Dr. Montgomery: Has he really been sitting in the corner though? He’s a Triple Crown winner, a renowned multi-time tag champion…
Fly: Save it. I know what he’s accomplished. To others, it might be impressive, but it’s not to me. With the WCF, Waylon Cash has never been THE guy. He’s never been relied on week in and week out to do anything but fill cards. Don’t misunderstand me; Waylon is more than your normal midcarder. I’m not selling him short; I’m just stating a fact. He has NEVER been GREAT. He’s never done anything special. Waylon Cash is who he is. He’s a good wrestler. Most of the guys on the roster would love to have his career. That doesn’t mean anything, because he’s facing Jonny Fly. THE Jonny Fly. I’m a cut above. I reside at a level that Waylon Cash has failed to achieve time and time again. This match will be no different. Waylon Cash and I are not equals in a wrestling ring and at Payback…I’m not going to treat him like an equal.
Dr. Montgomery: It sounds like you’re saying you do know who Waylon is after all.
Fly smiles and nods his head, agreeing with the doctor’s statement.
Fly: A lot of wrestlers out there would tell you that I’m overconfident. They see and hear the things I say every week and it gets their panties in a bunch. Not because I say it, but because I’m always right. ALWAYS. You have your Waylon Cash’s out there who scream to anyone who listens that they’re the best wrestler ever…
Fly shakes his head and smirks, that classic arrogance returning just briefly.
Fly: …but there’s only one man who’s PROVEN that. That’s not Waylon Cash. That’s something that I do know about him. He’s a delusional motherfucker. All of these other people like him making those bold claims about being the greatest, I’ve beaten every_single_one of them. How can anyone call themselves the best when I’m standing here, practically undefeated in over two fucking years and the current World Champion? It’s fuckin’ illogical. At what point do these people wake up and embrace reality? I’m not overconfident. I’m prepared. I’m motivated, hungry, and most of all, I’m otherworldly talented. That’s why I win. That’s the recipe. I know the limits of Waylon Cash’s ability inside the wrestling ring. I’ve seen them every week for two years. He doesn’t have a hope in hell of winning this match.
All of a sudden a pair of blue strobe lights flashes in the rear-view mirror. A cop has pulled in behind Fly’s rental car.
Fly: Oh fuck. Is it legal to drive and smoke here?
Dr. Montgomery: NO! How fast were you going?
Fly: Not that…
Fly pauses. He looks at the speedometer and notices he’s doing almost 100 mph.
Fly: It doesn’t feel like I’m going that fast. In fact, everything seems to be moving a little slower. Also, I’m hungry…oh shit, I’M HIGH. Quick, tell me a joke and let’s see if I ever stop laughing.
Dr. Montgomery: Jonny! Be serious!
Fly starts laughing uncontrollably. Dr. Montgomery hits him over the head forcing the laughing to cease.
Fly: Oh. Sorry.
Dr. Montgomery: I’m not going to jail for this shit. Think of something.
Fly: No worries. I saw this in Super Troopers once. Let’s roll down the rest of the windows to let the car vent. Then you eat the rest of the weed and hide the pipe in your anal alternative, if you know what I mean.
Dr. Montgomery: I hate you.
Fly: Why, because I was talking about your vagina? Would you rather it be called the Fuzzy Taco? What about The Dick Receptacle? No, no, I got this – THE PENIS FLY TRAP! GET IT?
Dr. Montgomery: I was talking about the fact that you’re making me eat all of this.
Fly: OH. Yeah, don’t eat ALL of it. We need some for the rest of the trip. You know what, just toss it under the seat and act normal. At least, as normal as a hyperactive sexual deviant therapist high on marijuana can.
Fly begins laughing again. He rolls down the windows as Dr. Montgomery stashes the pot jar and pipe under her seat. With everything in order, Fly slowly pulls off of the road. He turns off the ignition and watches from his rear-view mirror as the cop pulls in behind him. The cop quickly exits his car and begins to make his way toward the driver’s window of Fly’s rental Mustang. As he approaches, Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls his driver’s license out of his wallet.
Cop: Hello dere. License and registration please.
Yes, that’s how he talks. This dude is straight out of a western movie. He’s not wearing a uniform, save for a badge clipped to his belt buckle. Instead, he’s wearing tight faded jeans, a plaid flannel shirt, and he’s even got the whole giant cowboy hat thing going on. Plus, as an added bonus, he has an exquisite bushy mustache. Fly quickly hands over his license.
Fly: This car is a rental. As you can see from my license we’re from out of town.
The cop looks over the ID and then scans the interior of the car.
Cop: What be bringin’ ya’ll here today…Mister Fly? We don’t get many out-of-towners in these parts of Colorado.
Fly: My girlfriend and I…
The world’s largest smile comes over the face of Dr. Montgomery.
Fly: …are on our way to Casper, Wyoming. We flew into Denver earlier today but we decided to take a road trip this evening. We heard great things about Casper and wanted to check it out while we were so close.
Cop: Casper, huh? Well that dere certainly be one story.
The cop lightly sniffs the air.
Cop: Another would be dat you two out-of-townies be on a little joy ride. Amirite?
Fly: Uh…
Cop: I pulled you over because you wuz doing 98 miles an hour. That be reckless driving. I get the feelin’ there’s going to be other charges in your future too.
Yeah, that’s not good. Fly rubs his chin thinking of how to respond. It appears the cop can smell the weed in the air. Fly’s left with two choices. He can either admit to it and see where that lands him, or he can deny it. Of course, he can also shoot him….
Fly: I’m not quite sure I know what you’re talking about.
Cop: Ya’ll think yous the first idiots to fly into Denver and do this?
Fly: Once again, I’m not really sure where you’re going with this, sir. I apologize about speeding. That’s not really like me. I’m a law abiding citizen if there ever was one.
Cop: Uh-huh. Sure you are. All you folks coming from Denver and speedin’ toward Casper be goin’ there to do the same thing.
Fly: You want to tell me what you’re talking about?
Cop: I know about dem girls up there. I ain’t stupid. All ya’ll be headin’ to Casper to get those hookers.
Fly smiles. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He really wants to start laughing uncontrollably, but resists the urge.
Fly: RIGHT. The hookers. That’s what’s going on here. Nothing else. We’re just a bunch of crazy people on our way to Casper to hop in the duck billed platapussy of some fine ass Wyoming hookies.
Disgusted, the cop takes off his giant hat and holds it over his heart. We can tell he’s deeply disturbed by this type of talk. A bead of sweat forms on his forehead and he wipes it with his shirt sleeve. He takes another look in the car, looking directly at Dr. Montgomery.
Cop: You ‘specially should be ashamed of youzelf fore actin’ like this. You shouldn’t be objectifyin’ other women like that.
Fly: She’s very sorry. She has mental issues. Total skank.
The cop makes another sour face. Fly notices and continues to press the issue.
Fly: I’m serious. She’s the only reason we’re going. She told me just before you pulled me over that she couldn’t wait to get her hands in a pretty little penis purse…if you know what I mean. I think…or maybe just hope…she meant fingers and not hands. I mean can you visualize that? Like and entire hand going up some poor girls…
Poor cop. He almost gags. This type of talk is obviously something that disgusts him a great deal. It’s too much for him. He quickly hands Fly back his driver’s license.
Cop: Have a good day, Mister Fly.
The cop turns and walks back to his car. Fly turns to Dr. Montgomery and busts out laughing. That causes her to bust out laughing in response.
Fly: What a fucking idiot. I’ll have you know that our little meetings over the last month have really worked. A few weeks back I would have shot that fucker in the face.
Dr. Montgomery: That’s good, I suppose. I’m just glad he didn’t ask to search the car.
…she says, while reaching back under the seat for the pipe and weed. Fly turns the car back on and pulls onto the interstate and continues his drive.
Fly: So where were we?
Dr. Montgomery: You were talking shit about Waylon Cash.
Fly: I don’t know if I’d call it shit talking. I’m just being truthful. As a colleague I like Waylon Cash. I think he’s good for the company. He’s spirited. I just think he’s full of himself. He’s out of touch. He calls himself the best ever; he calls S-PAC the best stable ever. It’s crazy talk. He’s just too over the top to actually take seriously.
Dr. Montgomery hands the pipe over to Fly and lights him up. He takes another hit and exhales slowly.
Fly: Mmmm. That’s as good as Jonny Fly in a wrestling ring.
Fly smiles while Dr. Montgomery frowny faces. She’s been trying to make him less condescending. It’s going to be a long process, obviously.
Fly: ANYWAY. Waylon needs to be brought back down to earth. This is a consistent process. I think his buddy Atreyu rubs off on him and he thinks he’s god’s gift to the wrestling world. He’s not. He’s just a guy, a guy who has a lot still left to prove in this industry to act in the way he does. Waylon says he’s on a crusade, and that’s fine with me. He SHOULD be on a crusade. Every single wrestler in the fuckin’ world should be on a crusade. Here’s the thing, and I’ve said this countless times to countless people. At the end of the day for your ‘crusade’ or ‘mission’ or whateverthefuck everyone always calls it, you have to win for it to mean anything. Waylon’s not the first to pull the crusade talk. It’s always the same bullshit. They never go very far. Why? Because I end crusades. I CRUSH crusades. I’m the man who restores the balance of power in this industry. I’m the fuckin’ reaper of people like Waylon Cash…the dreamers. I force them out of their fantasy world and into reality…the reality that I’m the best wrestler in the company, bar none, no question about it.
Suddenly, “California Love” by 2Pac begins playing from Fly’s pants pocket. Dr. Montgomery looks over at Fly questioningly.
Fly: Speaking of Waylon…that’s my ringtone for Steve Orbit. It was between that and “California Gurls,” so I threw him a bone and gave him the good shit. Unfortunately, I know why he’s calling…
Fly digs into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He sets it on speaker and greets Orbit.
Fly: Steve fuckin’ Orbit. What’s up?
Orbit: Just my daily call to tell you that you’re a piece of shit and I can’t wait until One next year.
Fly rolls his eyes and responds.
Fly: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey look, I’m actually glad you called this time. I’ve been smoking some shit called the “Golden Goat” today and I finally feel what it’s like to be you…other than the shitty wrestler part.
Orbit: Yo man, what are you tryin’ to say?
Fly: Uh…that you’re a drug addict.
Orbit: FUCK YOU FLY. Also, how much that shit set you back.
Fly: Like $350 bucks.
Orbit: MAN THAT’S CRACK PRICES. You a dumbass for buyin’ that shit. I could have got you hooked up with…nah, nevermind. I only do that for my people and you and I still ain’t cool.
Fly: Whatever. Anyway, I was just talking to my therapist about this match coming up against Waylon. You know him as well as anyone. Anything you can tell me about him?
Orbit: Ha! You have a therapist? If anyone needed one, it was your ass.
Fly: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. I’m high. Seriously though, I need some intel from the man who tagged with him for six fuckin’ months. Tell me how to destroy this dude.
There’s a pause on the other side of the phone. Steve Orbit seems to be considering the request. After a few seconds he relents.
Orbit: Aight homie, let me hit you with some knowledge. Waylon Cash is a scrappy motherfucker inside and outside of the ring. He a vengeful dude, too. Half the time he’s out of his god damn mind. You get him on one of those nights when he got the hillbilly shit goin’ strong, you in for a brutal match. He’ll push you, no doubt. However, he’s still a childish little bitch. Back when we was going at it all he did was attack me from behind. In the ring, he never got it done. Let Waylon work himself into a little frenzy, and then you beat him with good ‘ole fashioned wrestlin’. He can’t compete with that. Or you know, throw a kilo of blow at him at keep him too preoccupied to fight. Dude loves that shit.
Fly scowls. He looks at Dr. Montgomery who’s still hitting the pipe (not a sex spoiler either).
Fly: We should have bought crack.
Orbit: What?
Fly: Oh, sorry Steve. I was talking to someone else. That’s good information, I appreciate it. That’s big of you.
Orbit: Yeah, whatever man.
Fly: I look forward to your call tomorrow to tell me how much you hate me.
Orbit: You fuckin’ know it.
Without another word, Orbit hangs up. Fly laughs slightly and tosses the phone back into his pocket. Dr. Montgomery hands over the pipe and Fly takes another couple of hits.
Fly: Well doc, it seems the verdict is in. This match is going to be a huge blow to Waylon’s ego. It’ll go down as yet another failed opportunity for him to capture his second World Title. For the sake of everyone, I hope this match provides him some closure. Sure, he can’t beat Jonny Fly. That doesn’t mean a rewarding career isn’t in his future. What he’s doing right now works for him. He’s got the S-PAC thing going strong, he’s got Scott Savage in his corner, and a couple of times a year he’s brought out of the shadows and served a little taste of what it’s like to be the top guy in the company. He gets to stand in front of a packed house, with millions watching at home, and compete at the highest level. Unfortunately, when that bell rings…reality returns. Waylon Cash is not a World Champion. He’s not a Main Event wrestler. Lastly, and most certainly, he’s not better than me, and he’s not the guy to end my reign.
Dr. Montgomery: Just another example of how far you’ve come. A month ago you would have said that he’s the most overrated wrestler in the universe, an embarrassment to all men who can proclaim they were once World Champions, and would serve as nothing more than an example that mid-carders don’t belong in a PPV main event with Jonny Fly.
Fly: Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m getting soft. I might have to switch it up when I actually talk about Waylon in front of the cameras.
Fly sends a wink over at Dr. Montgomery. The two continue driving down the road en route to Casper, Wyoming. With about an hour left of the trip, our scene temporarily fades out.
Fly and Dr. Montgomery park in front of the Casper, Wyoming International Airport. Wait, is the Casper airport really international? Even if it is, that entire concept is laughable. Anyway, they exit their rental Ford Mustang and make way toward the sliding glass entry doors. Entering the terminal Fly looks up at a sign hanging from the ceiling. He spots baggage claim and follows its arrow to the left. He proceeds down the terminal until he spots an electronic sign over one of the baggage claim carousel that says “Denver, Colorado.” At this point there is only one item left on the moving belt, a large black suitcase.
Fly: Jackpot!
Fly walks over to the belt and grabs his suitcase and pulls it off. He sets it upright and immediately begins to unzip it. With the top of the bag open Fly begins digging through it and emerges with…a bag of hot fries.
Fly: Thank god. Not even crushed!
He rips the bag open and begins eating. Dr. Montgomery scowls and watches as he destroys the bag in a world record eight seconds.
Dr. Montgomery: Tell me this trip wasn’t just so you could eat hot fries tonight.
Fly: Uh…
Dr. Montgomery: GOD DAMMIT FLY. We could have got them at 10,000 stores in Denver.
Fly: Well, yeah, but…there’s hookers here. Come on, I heard there’s a discount if you get them before 8:00 PM.
With his bag zipped up and in tow, Fly begins to walk away the baggage claim back in the direction of the entrance.
Dr. Montgomery: You owe me for this.
Fly stops suddenly.
Fly: I’m not going to sleep with you.
Dr. Montgomery: You’d honestly rather pay some stupid whore in Casper, Wyoming for sex than have it with me for free.
Dramatic pause.
Fly: Yes.
Boom. Scene is over.
Our scene begins at the Denver International Airport. We’re on the first floor at Terminal E where passengers who have recently deplaned have gathered around baggage claim #2 to retrieve their luggage. From behind us, we hear a man yelling.
“MY SHIT ISN’T THERE.”
We spin around to see Jonny Fly at a baggage claim kiosk yelling at a twenty-something year old (and somewhat nerdy looking) man. The man has a blank expression of his face is just shrugs his shoulders and holds out his hand signaling that he doesn’t know what happened. Fly proceeds to berate him even further. Flustered, the man begins to type away at his computer trying to look for a solution to whatever problem this may be.
Fly: It’s pretty fuckin’ simple. I boarded in New York and gave your airline my luggage. Then I landed in Denver…WITH NO LUGGAGE. We don’t need to call in a fuckin’ supersleuth to figure out what happened.
The attendant responds in kind, trying his hardest to remain calm with a giant 6-5, 230 pound professional wrestler/former criminal mastermind yelling at him.
Attendant: I’m very sorry sir. I’m trying to figure out what happened right now. If you’ll just bear with me for a moment…
Heh. Yeah, no.
Fly: WHAT IS THERE TO FIGURE OUT?! I had luggage. Now I don’t. You guys lost my shit. You probably sent it to fuckin’ Boise or some god damn shithole. I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO GO TO SOME SHITHOLE TO GET MY STUFF…
Fly’s yelling has drawn the attention of quite a few of the airport patrons. By quite a few, I mean basically everyone in Terminal E. Fly’s really putting his belly into his yelling. Textbook form for when you really want your voice to carry. From the side of our screen a woman approaches, Dr. Stella Montgomery, who suspiciously is in Denver with Fly – probably to try and touch his wiener.
Dr. Montgomery: Jonny, why are you yelling?
Fly turns to his therapist to respond to her peacekeeping efforts.
Fly: This dipshit lost my luggage.
Fly says, pointing to the dipshit in question. Dr. Montgomery rolls her eyes and tries to lightly push Fly away from the kiosk’s counter.
Dr. Montgomery: I can assure you that man specifically didn’t lose your luggage.
Fly strong arms Dr. Montgomery, refusing to move from his spot.
Fly: I had my favorite fuckin’ suit in those bags. It was custom. It cost more than this little kiosk cunt makes in a year.
The therapist grabs Fly on the arm this time and pulls him away from the kiosk. Like a mother whose child has been bad, she begins to scold him in a hushed tone.
Dr. Montgomery: What the hell are you doing? That man is just trying to do his job. He’s also the only person who’s trying to help you get your stuff back. Maybe if you’re a little nicer he’ll work harder for you. Did you ever think about that?
Fly says nothing.
Dr. Montgomery: Let’s go back over there. This time let me do the talking.
Fly: Whatever.
Dr. Montgomery and Fly walk back to the kiosk.
Dr. Montgomery: Sorry about that, sir. He’s just frustrated because he had some valuables in his luggage and he’d like to get them back as soon as possible.
Fly: Yeah. AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE…SIR.
The attendant is still typing away his computer. He’s shaking his head in frustration at what he’s finding out. He sighs and looks up at Fly and Dr. Montgomery.
Attendant: I’m very sorry, but it appears his luggage was never removed from the plane.
Dr. Montgomery: So where is it going?
Attendant: Casper, Wyoming.
Fly: OH SON OF A BITCH! CASPER? Some city named after a friendly ghost! FUCK THAT. They’re not even real! I’m going to the bathroom to slit my wrists…
Of course…Fly doesn’t walk away. He doesn’t leave because, let’s face it, we’d miss him if he left our scene. This is supposed to be a story about how Fly and Dr. Montgomery retrieve his belongings while having some fun (NOT A SEX SPOILER), but we can’t do that if he’s in the bathroom slitting his wrists. The attendant matter-of-factly responds to Fly outburst regarding the future location of his luggage.
Attendant: Sir, Casper is named after the Casper Mountain. It’s the second biggest city in the state of Wyoming.
Many lol’s. Fly just stands there, almost at a loss for words. ALMOST.
Fly: YEAH. It’s also the second to last place I want to ever be in the world. The first being this bitch’s vagina.
Fly points to Dr. Montgomery. I told you there wasn’t going to be any sex.
Dr. Montgomery: HEY!
Fly ignores her and proceeds to question the attendant further.
Fly: Look dude, I want my shit back. Can’t you do one of the midair transports where you put my shit on a wire and send it over to another plane that’s on its way back here?
Fly is serious. The attendant looks like he just shit his pants.
Attendant: Uh…no. We can’t do that. That’s only done in movies.
Fly: UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. Tell me then, when is the earliest that you can have it flown back from the bowels of the friendly ghost?
Attendant: You mean Casper. Let me check.
The attendant goes back to his computer and pushes some buttons, you know, doing his best to look useful.
Attendant: It appears…
The dude makes a sour face. He pushes some more buttons.
Attendant: Yep, I’m not sure…
More buttons are pressed
Attendant: Hmmm. Yeah, so what I’m seeing…
MORE BUTTONS. Fly has had enough.
Fly: FOR FUCK SAKE! ON WITH IT.
Attendant: There are no more outgoing flights from Casper to Denver this evening. I’m very sorry. The Casper airport is not a high volume hub, so the flights are limited.
Fly: I would have never guessed that.
He’s not serious. Seriously.
Attendant: We can have your luggage here by 11:00 AM tomorrow morning. We would be happy to put you up in a hotel tonight for the inconvenience.
Fly: Are you fuckin’ kidding me? NO. I need my shit tonight. YOU – give me your car keys.
Attendant: WHAT?
Dr. Montgomery: Uh, Jonny…
Fly: Shut up, skank. I’m driving to Casper, even if it means I have to fight that fuckin’ ghost and a shit ton of cattle and cowboys. I’m getting my luggage back!
Fly directs his attention to the attendant.
Fly: Now, I need your car.
Attendant: Sir, we have rental cars here. They’re located outside in the bottom floor of the parking garage. We’d be happy to offer you one complimentary if you would like to go pick up your luggage directly.
Fly: THAT’S RIGHT.
The attendant goes back to his trust computer and punches more buttons. Eventually a voucher for a free rental car is printed. The attendant hands over the piece of paper to Fly.
Attendant: I apologize again for the…
Fly begins walking away, yelling back…
Fly: Shove a tampon in it, bitch.
Dr. Montgomery apologizes to the attendant briefly, and then scurries to catch up with him. They make their way down the terminal until a pair of sliding glass doors emerges on their left. They head left and make their way outside. They cross thought the airport drop-off area toward the parking garage on the other side of the road. They head down a small flight of stairs and enter the garage. On the first floor, the first sign they see is for an Enterprise Rental Car station. Another man in a glass kiosk awaits them. Fly approaches and greets the man.
Fly: Hello. So, because some fucker messed up with my luggage I have this free voucher to grab a car here and drive to motherfuckin’ Casper, Wyoming.
Enterprise Dude: Casper, you say? It’s not so bad. Good hookers.
Fly: …
Dr. Montgomery: Oh, lord. Now you’ve done it.
Fly: QUICK, GET ME A VEHICLE!
Enterprise Dude: I’ll just need your voucher and your driver’s license.
Fly passes his voucher and driver’s license through the slit in the kiosk. The Enterprise dude begins to punch in his information and after a few minutes gives him some paperwork to sign. We’ll skip through all that bullshit to when the man tells Fly…
Enterprise Dude: Alright Mr. Fly, feel free to pick any car on the lot. The keys are in the ignition. I’ll walk with you to take down the license plate number and then you can be on your way.
Fly: Awesome!
Fly turns toward where the cars are parked and walks toward them. He sees a bunch of sub-compact cars, compact cars, sedans, and even some SUV’s. He’s not interested in any of them. One particular vehicle catches his eye. He turns back to the Enterprise dude and points to the car.
Fly: I’ll take that!
Fly is pointing to a Ford Mustang at the end of the aisle.
Enterprise Dude: Good selection. Just let me get the plates and then you’ll be off speeding toward Casper.
Fly walks toward the car and enters through the driver’s door. Dr. Montgomery heads to the other side of the car and enters through the passenger door. The Enterprise dude takes the last notes on the vehicle that he needs and waves to Fly that he’s good to go. Fly turns the key in the ignition and pulls out of the parking garage. Our scene picks up inside the vehicle as a conversation begins between Dr. Montgomery and Fly.
Dr. Montgomery: So uh…was this trip worth it now?
Fly: Nobody made you come along. I told you I needed to come here to get inside my opponent’s head and understand him better.
Dr. Montgomery: As your therapist, I had no choice but to come and try to talk you out of this.
Fly: Bullshit. You just came here to try to rape me while I’m under the influence.
Dr. Montgomery: Perhaps you shouldn’t do it then.
Fly: Perhaps I should drop you off in the corner in Casper so you can be amongst your own kind.
Dr. Montgomery: …and yeah, what the fuck is your deal with getting your luggage back so quickly? It’s nearly a four hour drive to get there.
Fly: I NEED MY BAG. That’s why.
Dr. Montgomery: Unbelievable. We’re going to spend eight hours driving to Wyoming and back just because you don’t want to wait until tomorrow to get your luggage.
Fly: Yes. There are things in that bag I need. Plus, in this car it’ll be six hours, tops. Actually, make that six and half, we have to make a stop.
Dr. Montgomery: What? Where?
Fly: Pharmacy.
Dr. Montgomery: Of course.
Fly is just about to get on Interstate 25 in Denver when he catches a sign on the side of the road for a place called ‘Medicine Man.’
Fly: Jackpot!
Fly immediately veers off the road and pulls into the Medicine Man parking lot.
Dr. Montgomery: Oh come on, we’re not actually going to do this…are we?
Fly doesn’t respond. He merely parks the car in front of the shop and gets out. Dr. Montgomery begrudgingly follows and the two head inside. As soon as they enter a distinct odor surrounds us. It becomes quite apparent that the Medicine Man is a shop that sells legal marijuana. Fly walks toward a glass case that serves as the shops main counter. Inside the glass are several jars of different types of cannabis, each labeled with their name and price. He scans the glass and then looks up at the man behind the counter.
Fly: Let’s make this easy. Give me your best stuff, a pipe, and a lighter.
The man raises his eyebrows before responding.
Man: You want the best? Alright, how much do you need? An ounce?
Fly: How much does an ounce cost?
The man reaches under glass and grabs a jar labeled “Golden Goat.” He sets it on the counter.
Man: This is top shelf stuff. It’s bred right here in the back. It’s what we call a hybrid, with both sativa and indica strains, combining the best of both worlds in one bud. This jar is one ounce and it’ll cost you $350.
Fly nearly faints.
Fly: THREE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY! Those are crack prices!
Man: Sorry man, it’s all taxes though. It’s out of our control. If you want the best stuff, this is it. I’ll throw in the pipe and lighter for free.
As the man says that, he reaches under the counter again and takes out a glass pipe and a lighter and sets them on the counter. Fly takes in a deep sigh and pulls out his wallet. He grabs four $100 bills and sets them on the counter.
Fly: Don’t sweat it. Keep the change. I appreciate your help.
Fly grabs the weed, lighter, and pipe and turns around, exiting the Medicine Man shop. He and Dr. Montgomery head back to the rental car. Inside, he hands the jar to Dr. Montgomery in the passenger seat.
Fly: Open it up for me. You do know how to do this, right?
Dr. Montgomery: You’re seriously going to smoke this while we’re driving?
Fly: Well…maybe not ALL of it…but yeah, some. That’s what we’re here for.
Dr. Montgomery: BUT YOU’RE DRIVING!
Fly: You’re right. It could be dangerous. Why don’t you go ahead and get out so that I don’t kill you.
Dr. Montgomery scowls. She knows what Fly is trying to do.
Dr. Montgomery: NO. You’re not getting rid of me that easy. I’ll do it.
Fly: Fine. Then light me up, bitch.
Fly hands Dr. Montgomery the glass pipe and lighter. He pulls the car keys out of his pocket and starts the engine. Fly pulls out of his parking space and back onto the road. Meanwhile, Dr. Montgomery takes out a few buds from the jar and stuffs them into the pipe. She takes the lighter in hand and covers up the rushhole, lighting the pipe. She takes a look at Fly and smiles, proceeding to take the first hit.
Fly: So much for talking me out of it.
Dr. Montgomery ignores Fly and sucks in and then removes her finger from the rushhole, allow the rest of the smoke to release. She takes it in briefly, before exhaling….and then coughing.
Fly: Nice! Is it good?
Dr. Montgomery: (still coughing) Best. Ever.
Fly: Ever? EVER?! Quick, puff, puff, pass bitch.
Dr. Montgomery takes another hit and then passes the pipe to Fly. He grabs hold of it with one arm and takes a hit.
Fly: WHOO! You’re right. That shit hits you immediately.
Fly quickly takes another hit before passing the pipe back to Dr. Montgomery. She takes another hit. As she coughs for the second time, she rolls down her window just a crack to let the car vent.
Dr. Montgomery: God damn. He gave you the best alright. So, what do you think? Are you feeling like you understand Waylon Cash more?
Fly: Understand Waylon Cash more? What are you talking about?
Dr. Montgomery: You LITERALLY just told me you wanted to smoke weed to get a better snapshot into the head of Cash.
Fly: Oh, right, yeah.
Dr. Montgomery: I’m getting the feeling now that you lied to me when you said that.
Fly: I mean…maybe. Check this out. I’m pretty sure this shit makes you invincible. The only two states where marijuana is legal? Washington and Colorado. Guess which teams are going to the Super Bowl? SEATTLE AND DENVER. Coincidence? I think not.
Dr. Montgomery: So…you think smoking this makes you have super powers?
Fly: MAYBE!
With that logic now out in the open, Dr. Montgomery decides to take another hit.
Fly: Quit hogging! My turn!
Dr. Montgomery hands Fly the pipe and he takes two more hits before passing it back. He decides to roll down his window as the inside of the rental car has become quite hazy at this point.
Fly: Let’s talk about Waylon for a moment. Obviously he isn’t invincible. We’ve seen that on numerous occasions. If you look into everything a little further, however, you’ll see that Waylon is just some southern fuck who talks with a ridiculous accent, wears clothes straight out of the 1800’s, and conducts himself no different than a child with an enormous chip on his shoulder. How does THAT type of man come to challenge for World Titles, doc?
Dr. Montgomery: Are you saying this is where smoking weed comes in? That’s pretty lame. Can’t you come up with something better than that?
Fly: No, no. Hear me out. Waylon and I are about the same size, neither of us particularly big for our profession. Not small, but we’re not fuckin’ Odin Balfore either. Unlike me, Waylon isn’t a freak athlete. He’s not a master technician. He’s not particularly strong, fast, or smart. He’s an all-around wrestler…an AVERAGE all-around wrestler. He doesn’t possess a single trait that levitates him above the masses. He’s a bland, monotonous, and garden-variety talent. Yet…here he is in the Main Event of Payback. Most confusing yet, he deserves this opportunity. I’ve already admitted that.
Dr. Montgomery: So…?
Fly: I’ve never faced Waylon Cash one on one. I’ve beat him up in several matches that involved others, but never one on one. I need perspective on Waylon. I need to understand him better. So…tonight…we get Jonny Fly high and maybe when it’s all said and done we’ll understand him better.
As if celebrating that concept, Dr. Montgomery takes another hit. Then she coughs again. What a bitch. She hands the pipe off to Fly who takes another hit. At this point the buds in the pipe are mostly burnt up. Dr. Montgomery grabs the jar and repacks the pipe. As she does, Fly continues talking.
Fly: The biggest thing I have against Waylon, if you want to call it that, is that he presents himself as something more than he is. It’s an inferiority complex that most have. He’s not the only one out there who thinks he’s the best wrestler in the planet. I’ve said what I think about Waylon’s skill set, but it’s really simpler than that. His resume falls short on substance. How can you be the greatest wrestler on the plant when you’ve never even been the top guy in your own company?
In between lighting the pipe, Dr. Montgomery manages a cough filled response.
Dr. Montgomery: Top guy? *cough* Waylon has a *cough* World Title belt.
Fly: Yes, he most certainly does. I’m not talking about being World Champion. Like most would do to him, I’m not even going to harp on his title reign. That crap has been said so many times, I no longer need to remind anyone. The fact is that the Waylon Cash who was World Champion was NOT the top guy in the company. That was 2012, and there was only one top guy that year – me. That’s not even something that can be argued. Waylon Cash did not beat me for his World Title. He’s never beaten me. Cash’s World Title reign was neatly tucked into the corner and forgotten because my dominance over the WCF was what took center stage. That’s a microcosm of his entire career. He’s simply been the guy standing in the corner while I’ve carved out a career that makes this even the industry’s greatest legends jealous.
Dr. Montgomery: Has he really been sitting in the corner though? He’s a Triple Crown winner, a renowned multi-time tag champion…
Fly: Save it. I know what he’s accomplished. To others, it might be impressive, but it’s not to me. With the WCF, Waylon Cash has never been THE guy. He’s never been relied on week in and week out to do anything but fill cards. Don’t misunderstand me; Waylon is more than your normal midcarder. I’m not selling him short; I’m just stating a fact. He has NEVER been GREAT. He’s never done anything special. Waylon Cash is who he is. He’s a good wrestler. Most of the guys on the roster would love to have his career. That doesn’t mean anything, because he’s facing Jonny Fly. THE Jonny Fly. I’m a cut above. I reside at a level that Waylon Cash has failed to achieve time and time again. This match will be no different. Waylon Cash and I are not equals in a wrestling ring and at Payback…I’m not going to treat him like an equal.
Dr. Montgomery: It sounds like you’re saying you do know who Waylon is after all.
Fly smiles and nods his head, agreeing with the doctor’s statement.
Fly: A lot of wrestlers out there would tell you that I’m overconfident. They see and hear the things I say every week and it gets their panties in a bunch. Not because I say it, but because I’m always right. ALWAYS. You have your Waylon Cash’s out there who scream to anyone who listens that they’re the best wrestler ever…
Fly shakes his head and smirks, that classic arrogance returning just briefly.
Fly: …but there’s only one man who’s PROVEN that. That’s not Waylon Cash. That’s something that I do know about him. He’s a delusional motherfucker. All of these other people like him making those bold claims about being the greatest, I’ve beaten every_single_one of them. How can anyone call themselves the best when I’m standing here, practically undefeated in over two fucking years and the current World Champion? It’s fuckin’ illogical. At what point do these people wake up and embrace reality? I’m not overconfident. I’m prepared. I’m motivated, hungry, and most of all, I’m otherworldly talented. That’s why I win. That’s the recipe. I know the limits of Waylon Cash’s ability inside the wrestling ring. I’ve seen them every week for two years. He doesn’t have a hope in hell of winning this match.
All of a sudden a pair of blue strobe lights flashes in the rear-view mirror. A cop has pulled in behind Fly’s rental car.
Fly: Oh fuck. Is it legal to drive and smoke here?
Dr. Montgomery: NO! How fast were you going?
Fly: Not that…
Fly pauses. He looks at the speedometer and notices he’s doing almost 100 mph.
Fly: It doesn’t feel like I’m going that fast. In fact, everything seems to be moving a little slower. Also, I’m hungry…oh shit, I’M HIGH. Quick, tell me a joke and let’s see if I ever stop laughing.
Dr. Montgomery: Jonny! Be serious!
Fly starts laughing uncontrollably. Dr. Montgomery hits him over the head forcing the laughing to cease.
Fly: Oh. Sorry.
Dr. Montgomery: I’m not going to jail for this shit. Think of something.
Fly: No worries. I saw this in Super Troopers once. Let’s roll down the rest of the windows to let the car vent. Then you eat the rest of the weed and hide the pipe in your anal alternative, if you know what I mean.
Dr. Montgomery: I hate you.
Fly: Why, because I was talking about your vagina? Would you rather it be called the Fuzzy Taco? What about The Dick Receptacle? No, no, I got this – THE PENIS FLY TRAP! GET IT?
Dr. Montgomery: I was talking about the fact that you’re making me eat all of this.
Fly: OH. Yeah, don’t eat ALL of it. We need some for the rest of the trip. You know what, just toss it under the seat and act normal. At least, as normal as a hyperactive sexual deviant therapist high on marijuana can.
Fly begins laughing again. He rolls down the windows as Dr. Montgomery stashes the pot jar and pipe under her seat. With everything in order, Fly slowly pulls off of the road. He turns off the ignition and watches from his rear-view mirror as the cop pulls in behind him. The cop quickly exits his car and begins to make his way toward the driver’s window of Fly’s rental Mustang. As he approaches, Fly reaches into his pocket and pulls his driver’s license out of his wallet.
Cop: Hello dere. License and registration please.
Yes, that’s how he talks. This dude is straight out of a western movie. He’s not wearing a uniform, save for a badge clipped to his belt buckle. Instead, he’s wearing tight faded jeans, a plaid flannel shirt, and he’s even got the whole giant cowboy hat thing going on. Plus, as an added bonus, he has an exquisite bushy mustache. Fly quickly hands over his license.
Fly: This car is a rental. As you can see from my license we’re from out of town.
The cop looks over the ID and then scans the interior of the car.
Cop: What be bringin’ ya’ll here today…Mister Fly? We don’t get many out-of-towners in these parts of Colorado.
Fly: My girlfriend and I…
The world’s largest smile comes over the face of Dr. Montgomery.
Fly: …are on our way to Casper, Wyoming. We flew into Denver earlier today but we decided to take a road trip this evening. We heard great things about Casper and wanted to check it out while we were so close.
Cop: Casper, huh? Well that dere certainly be one story.
The cop lightly sniffs the air.
Cop: Another would be dat you two out-of-townies be on a little joy ride. Amirite?
Fly: Uh…
Cop: I pulled you over because you wuz doing 98 miles an hour. That be reckless driving. I get the feelin’ there’s going to be other charges in your future too.
Yeah, that’s not good. Fly rubs his chin thinking of how to respond. It appears the cop can smell the weed in the air. Fly’s left with two choices. He can either admit to it and see where that lands him, or he can deny it. Of course, he can also shoot him….
Fly: I’m not quite sure I know what you’re talking about.
Cop: Ya’ll think yous the first idiots to fly into Denver and do this?
Fly: Once again, I’m not really sure where you’re going with this, sir. I apologize about speeding. That’s not really like me. I’m a law abiding citizen if there ever was one.
Cop: Uh-huh. Sure you are. All you folks coming from Denver and speedin’ toward Casper be goin’ there to do the same thing.
Fly: You want to tell me what you’re talking about?
Cop: I know about dem girls up there. I ain’t stupid. All ya’ll be headin’ to Casper to get those hookers.
Fly smiles. It’s as if a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He really wants to start laughing uncontrollably, but resists the urge.
Fly: RIGHT. The hookers. That’s what’s going on here. Nothing else. We’re just a bunch of crazy people on our way to Casper to hop in the duck billed platapussy of some fine ass Wyoming hookies.
Disgusted, the cop takes off his giant hat and holds it over his heart. We can tell he’s deeply disturbed by this type of talk. A bead of sweat forms on his forehead and he wipes it with his shirt sleeve. He takes another look in the car, looking directly at Dr. Montgomery.
Cop: You ‘specially should be ashamed of youzelf fore actin’ like this. You shouldn’t be objectifyin’ other women like that.
Fly: She’s very sorry. She has mental issues. Total skank.
The cop makes another sour face. Fly notices and continues to press the issue.
Fly: I’m serious. She’s the only reason we’re going. She told me just before you pulled me over that she couldn’t wait to get her hands in a pretty little penis purse…if you know what I mean. I think…or maybe just hope…she meant fingers and not hands. I mean can you visualize that? Like and entire hand going up some poor girls…
Poor cop. He almost gags. This type of talk is obviously something that disgusts him a great deal. It’s too much for him. He quickly hands Fly back his driver’s license.
Cop: Have a good day, Mister Fly.
The cop turns and walks back to his car. Fly turns to Dr. Montgomery and busts out laughing. That causes her to bust out laughing in response.
Fly: What a fucking idiot. I’ll have you know that our little meetings over the last month have really worked. A few weeks back I would have shot that fucker in the face.
Dr. Montgomery: That’s good, I suppose. I’m just glad he didn’t ask to search the car.
…she says, while reaching back under the seat for the pipe and weed. Fly turns the car back on and pulls onto the interstate and continues his drive.
Fly: So where were we?
Dr. Montgomery: You were talking shit about Waylon Cash.
Fly: I don’t know if I’d call it shit talking. I’m just being truthful. As a colleague I like Waylon Cash. I think he’s good for the company. He’s spirited. I just think he’s full of himself. He’s out of touch. He calls himself the best ever; he calls S-PAC the best stable ever. It’s crazy talk. He’s just too over the top to actually take seriously.
Dr. Montgomery hands the pipe over to Fly and lights him up. He takes another hit and exhales slowly.
Fly: Mmmm. That’s as good as Jonny Fly in a wrestling ring.
Fly smiles while Dr. Montgomery frowny faces. She’s been trying to make him less condescending. It’s going to be a long process, obviously.
Fly: ANYWAY. Waylon needs to be brought back down to earth. This is a consistent process. I think his buddy Atreyu rubs off on him and he thinks he’s god’s gift to the wrestling world. He’s not. He’s just a guy, a guy who has a lot still left to prove in this industry to act in the way he does. Waylon says he’s on a crusade, and that’s fine with me. He SHOULD be on a crusade. Every single wrestler in the fuckin’ world should be on a crusade. Here’s the thing, and I’ve said this countless times to countless people. At the end of the day for your ‘crusade’ or ‘mission’ or whateverthefuck everyone always calls it, you have to win for it to mean anything. Waylon’s not the first to pull the crusade talk. It’s always the same bullshit. They never go very far. Why? Because I end crusades. I CRUSH crusades. I’m the man who restores the balance of power in this industry. I’m the fuckin’ reaper of people like Waylon Cash…the dreamers. I force them out of their fantasy world and into reality…the reality that I’m the best wrestler in the company, bar none, no question about it.
Suddenly, “California Love” by 2Pac begins playing from Fly’s pants pocket. Dr. Montgomery looks over at Fly questioningly.
Fly: Speaking of Waylon…that’s my ringtone for Steve Orbit. It was between that and “California Gurls,” so I threw him a bone and gave him the good shit. Unfortunately, I know why he’s calling…
Fly digs into his pocket and pulls out his phone. He sets it on speaker and greets Orbit.
Fly: Steve fuckin’ Orbit. What’s up?
Orbit: Just my daily call to tell you that you’re a piece of shit and I can’t wait until One next year.
Fly rolls his eyes and responds.
Fly: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey look, I’m actually glad you called this time. I’ve been smoking some shit called the “Golden Goat” today and I finally feel what it’s like to be you…other than the shitty wrestler part.
Orbit: Yo man, what are you tryin’ to say?
Fly: Uh…that you’re a drug addict.
Orbit: FUCK YOU FLY. Also, how much that shit set you back.
Fly: Like $350 bucks.
Orbit: MAN THAT’S CRACK PRICES. You a dumbass for buyin’ that shit. I could have got you hooked up with…nah, nevermind. I only do that for my people and you and I still ain’t cool.
Fly: Whatever. Anyway, I was just talking to my therapist about this match coming up against Waylon. You know him as well as anyone. Anything you can tell me about him?
Orbit: Ha! You have a therapist? If anyone needed one, it was your ass.
Fly: Yeah, I guess. I don’t know. I’m high. Seriously though, I need some intel from the man who tagged with him for six fuckin’ months. Tell me how to destroy this dude.
There’s a pause on the other side of the phone. Steve Orbit seems to be considering the request. After a few seconds he relents.
Orbit: Aight homie, let me hit you with some knowledge. Waylon Cash is a scrappy motherfucker inside and outside of the ring. He a vengeful dude, too. Half the time he’s out of his god damn mind. You get him on one of those nights when he got the hillbilly shit goin’ strong, you in for a brutal match. He’ll push you, no doubt. However, he’s still a childish little bitch. Back when we was going at it all he did was attack me from behind. In the ring, he never got it done. Let Waylon work himself into a little frenzy, and then you beat him with good ‘ole fashioned wrestlin’. He can’t compete with that. Or you know, throw a kilo of blow at him at keep him too preoccupied to fight. Dude loves that shit.
Fly scowls. He looks at Dr. Montgomery who’s still hitting the pipe (not a sex spoiler either).
Fly: We should have bought crack.
Orbit: What?
Fly: Oh, sorry Steve. I was talking to someone else. That’s good information, I appreciate it. That’s big of you.
Orbit: Yeah, whatever man.
Fly: I look forward to your call tomorrow to tell me how much you hate me.
Orbit: You fuckin’ know it.
Without another word, Orbit hangs up. Fly laughs slightly and tosses the phone back into his pocket. Dr. Montgomery hands over the pipe and Fly takes another couple of hits.
Fly: Well doc, it seems the verdict is in. This match is going to be a huge blow to Waylon’s ego. It’ll go down as yet another failed opportunity for him to capture his second World Title. For the sake of everyone, I hope this match provides him some closure. Sure, he can’t beat Jonny Fly. That doesn’t mean a rewarding career isn’t in his future. What he’s doing right now works for him. He’s got the S-PAC thing going strong, he’s got Scott Savage in his corner, and a couple of times a year he’s brought out of the shadows and served a little taste of what it’s like to be the top guy in the company. He gets to stand in front of a packed house, with millions watching at home, and compete at the highest level. Unfortunately, when that bell rings…reality returns. Waylon Cash is not a World Champion. He’s not a Main Event wrestler. Lastly, and most certainly, he’s not better than me, and he’s not the guy to end my reign.
Dr. Montgomery: Just another example of how far you’ve come. A month ago you would have said that he’s the most overrated wrestler in the universe, an embarrassment to all men who can proclaim they were once World Champions, and would serve as nothing more than an example that mid-carders don’t belong in a PPV main event with Jonny Fly.
Fly: Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m getting soft. I might have to switch it up when I actually talk about Waylon in front of the cameras.
Fly sends a wink over at Dr. Montgomery. The two continue driving down the road en route to Casper, Wyoming. With about an hour left of the trip, our scene temporarily fades out.
Fly and Dr. Montgomery park in front of the Casper, Wyoming International Airport. Wait, is the Casper airport really international? Even if it is, that entire concept is laughable. Anyway, they exit their rental Ford Mustang and make way toward the sliding glass entry doors. Entering the terminal Fly looks up at a sign hanging from the ceiling. He spots baggage claim and follows its arrow to the left. He proceeds down the terminal until he spots an electronic sign over one of the baggage claim carousel that says “Denver, Colorado.” At this point there is only one item left on the moving belt, a large black suitcase.
Fly: Jackpot!
Fly walks over to the belt and grabs his suitcase and pulls it off. He sets it upright and immediately begins to unzip it. With the top of the bag open Fly begins digging through it and emerges with…a bag of hot fries.
Fly: Thank god. Not even crushed!
He rips the bag open and begins eating. Dr. Montgomery scowls and watches as he destroys the bag in a world record eight seconds.
Dr. Montgomery: Tell me this trip wasn’t just so you could eat hot fries tonight.
Fly: Uh…
Dr. Montgomery: GOD DAMMIT FLY. We could have got them at 10,000 stores in Denver.
Fly: Well, yeah, but…there’s hookers here. Come on, I heard there’s a discount if you get them before 8:00 PM.
With his bag zipped up and in tow, Fly begins to walk away the baggage claim back in the direction of the entrance.
Dr. Montgomery: You owe me for this.
Fly stops suddenly.
Fly: I’m not going to sleep with you.
Dr. Montgomery: You’d honestly rather pay some stupid whore in Casper, Wyoming for sex than have it with me for free.
Dramatic pause.
Fly: Yes.
Boom. Scene is over.
