Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2014 20:45:01 GMT -5
(A slick melody, raw bass and an incessant beat that drills through the soul. Neon pink and silver lights dark onto black and white tiles. It's early and the air is tinged with lust, excitement and a sense of impending oblivion. The camera pans across the club - a scattering of nubile young things peacocking on the dance floor, a few creepy men watching on from the periphery and a barman mixing all sorts of cocktails.)
(We glide down a flight of stairs into a quieter section of the club. The music is subdued soul and the volume is much lower to permit chatter. This area is busier and flirty in atmosphere. We zoom in on a table of three beautiful ladies - a trendy Chinese girl, an earthy blonde and a curvaceous brunette hipster.)
Brunette Hipster: This is lame.
Trendy Chinese Girl: Shall we get out of here?
(Two of the girls start to get up but the blonde sits still, transfixed by something out of shot. Her right index finger rests on pouted lips.)
Earthy Blonde: Wait...
('The Shine' Brent Alpine has just come through the nightclub entrance. He looks dashing in his favourite suit and catches the eye of most of the patrons. In slow motion, he runs his hands through his magnificent mane. He flashes a cheeky grin around the room before meeting eyes with the three singletons.)
Trendy Chinese Girl: Damn!
Brunette Hipster: Yummy.
Earthy Blonde: He would GET it. He can take me right here, right now.
Brunette Hipster: Looks a bit cocky though.
Earthy Blonde: He can cock me! I don't care what he's like.
Trendy Chinese Girl: Is he... coming over?
(Alpine saunters towards them as if walking in honey. They are giggling.)
Brent Alpine: G'Day Sheilas!
Earthy Blonde (agog): Ooh, an accent!
Brent Alpine: Australia mate!
Brunette Hipster: What's your name?
Brent Alpine: I am 'The Shine' Brent Alpine, WCF wrestling megastar. I am here to tell you that the cure to your sexual frustration has been discovered and it comes in a 6 foot 6, 227 ibs hunk of pure Aussie love. Now you are lucky because my bed is comfortably big enough for the four of us and I am happy to be shared. Just be gentle (mimics a couger growling).
(The girls' looks of intrigue fall to nauseous frowns. The brunette and Chinese girl go to leave but the blonde holds them back.)
Earthy Blonde: Look, I don't know who told you that you need to use stupid lines like that or act like a player to pick up girls. Let's reset. Go back there, come back over and just BE NORMAL.
(Alpine's head falls, ashamed and wounded. He turns back and walks. He faces away from the girls, staring at the wall.)
Brent Alpine (affirming to himself): Come on Brent, be normal. I am OK... just... the way... I am.
(Alpine goes back towards the girls. This time he shuffles awkwardly and seems to be hyperventilating.)
Brent Alpine: Umm yeah... so I'm Brent. I just... err, saw you... and thought you ladies seemed, like, very beautiful. I just wanted to... meet y...
(The girls smile warmly. Brent seems to backtrack. He suddenly snaps back into his former personality. His spine straightens, his voice becomes more resonant and his entire body language transforms bombastically.)
Brent Alpine: I just wanted to let you ride me like a camel and enjoy every single one of my humps. In fact, I will make you beg to mount the Alpine!
(Brent opens his arms wide, closes his eyes and waits in expectation that they will throw themselves at him. Instead, the girls signal to each other facially so they leave. Alpine waits for a few seconds and then seems stunned that they have not jumped on him. He realises that they are leaving and pursues them.)
Brent Alpine: Wait! Don't you know who I am? I'm 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. I'm famous. A wrestling superstar!
Brunette Hipster: We don't care.
Trendy Chinese Girl: You can go where the sun don't shine, Mr. Shine!
(He starts to follow them out of the club. Two scary, muscle bound bouncers look on in alarm.)
Brent Alpine: Can't we at least be mates?
Earthy Blonde: No! Piss off!
(As Brent continues to follow, the bouncers interject and block his route to the ladies.)
Bouncer 1: Go any further and you will be mates with my fist!
Brent Alpine (inspecting the bouncer's raised fist): Well it is a very strong fist. How you doin? I'm Brent.
(The bouncer grabs Brent around the throat. Meanwhile, the girls are now out of sight.)
Brent Alpine: Streuth, that's my throat bro! Wait a second... are you Mod Deuce?
Bouncer 1 (tightens his grip): Who?
Brent Alpine: Mod Deuce, the WCF wrestler. The one who likes trucks and pudding. My commiserations about your Dad. He seemed a good bloke. Now can you let go of my throat mate?
Bouncer 1: Alan, you deal with this prick.
(The bouncer shoves Alpine into his colleague Alan. Alan swings a big punch at Alpine. Brent ducks and floors Alan with an enziguri kick.)
Brent Alpine: Aw mate, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
(The first bouncer then charges into Alpine with a battlecry. Alpine starts to go flying but hooks the bouncer's head into a huge DDT into the road.)
Brent Alpine: NO!!! What have I done?
(The Shine gets up and inspects the two men.)
Brent Alpine: Are you OK?
(He gives Alan a gentle kick to see if he's conscious.)
Brent Alpine: Hello?
(He then kicks the other bouncer, harder this time. He crouches down and slaps both of their faces.)
Brent Alpine: I didn't mean it guys. Are you awake?
(He kicks them again.)
Brent Alpine: Come on, stop pretending. Let's go and party mates. The night is still a baby and there's Sheilas still in need of a shagging.
(He gives up and walks back into the club.)
Brent Alpine: Mates, you are no fun. I'm going back to rock my body that rocks the party that rocks other bodies. ALL NIGHT LONG! BONZA!
(Back inside, Brent approaches the bar and is met with a perplexed glare from the familiar looking barman. The area around his eye is swollen, as if he has a dislocated eye socket, and he has stitches in his lip.)
Brent Alpine: Hit me, garçon!
Barman: With what?
Brent Alpine: Um... a coke. I'm driving.
(The Barman leans over the bar and observes Alpine close up.)
Barman: Hey! You're Brent Alpine!
Brent Alpine: Oh, you're a fan of 'The Shine', the Culture Vulture, the Gargantuan of Glamour...
Barman: No, you're shit. But I believe we have a mutual enemy.
Brent Alpine: Brent Alpine doesn't have enemies, kid. I am as laid back as a koala bear. Well, all except for that little turd that bit me when I rubbed its belly.
Barman: You're not fooling me. I saw you kick the ropes after you and The Ultimate Destroyer's loss to Michael Lassiter on Slam. You were the furthest thing from laid back.
Brent Alpine: Three things, mate. One, I didn't lose to Michael Lassiter. I just didn't win. The Ultimate Destroyer got pinned, not me. I could see Lassiter was struggling so I gift wrapped him the win because I'm selfless and that's just the way I roll. Two, I kicked the rope not in rage but in homage to The Ultimate Destroyer. If you recall, he was punching and kicking cars in his promo last week. They say that mates begin to mimic each other so I've started to kick inanimate objects. See...
(He kicks the wooden bar hard.)
Brent Alpine: Ow! See what I mean? No rage. Third of all, you can hardly talk about enemies with that flaming great eye mess and busted lip. No offence.
Barman: That's where our mutual enemy comes in. This was done by Mod Deuce, your opponent for the Payback Pay Per View this Sunday. What's even worse is that it was filmed for his promo '(Holding out for a) Hero?'. Some legal people paid me off not to take any further action or go to the press.
Brent Alpine: You're the guy who was slipping those girls ecstacy in their drinks?
Barman: Of course not! I put absolutely nothing in any drinks except the drinks themselves. How can the judgement of a big drunken oaf like Deuce and his Scottish assassin friend Roger be trusted? Instead of investigating, he just started throwing me around the bar. I could've died!
Brent Alpine: Sorry to hear that, cobber!
Barman: You have to take him out for me, Brent. Don't worry about Jayden Thunder and Denise D'Evil. Focus on Deuce and get Payback for what he did to me!
Brent Alpine: Dude, I'm just wrestling him. I will obviously beat him but I won't hurt him beyond the confines of the wrestling ring. The Shine is a peacemaker.
Barman: If you promise to take him out, I'll be your mate. I'll even bring you to an after-party tonight.
(Alpine considers it.)
(Cut to a living room. A party is obviously going on as there are young people everywhere with a variety of beverages in their hands. Something is happening just out of shot.)
Party Goers (8 people in unison): DOWN IT, DOWN IT, DOWN IT, DOWN IT! Oooooooooohhhhhh.... DOWN IT!
Barman: Come on Brent, down it!
(The camera moves right to reveal Brent Alpine kneeling at a table with a giant castle of chocolate cake. He is forcing a huge piece in his mouth. Some bits are stuck on his beard and has stained his suit. He quickly swallows it and then grabs his next handful.)
Brent Alpine (while eating and spitting crumbs): I LOVE CAKE!
Barman: Go Brent! Deuce has nothing on you. He is truly a pudding lightweight!
(Alpine eats the entire chunk in one. He buries his head in the cake. The scene cuts.)
(We reopen in the same room. The party guests all seem to have gone except for Alpine and the barman who is presumably the host. Brent is curled in agony up on the settee, holding his stomach. He wipes chocolate cake out of his face and hair with a towel. The barman brings over a glass of water and puts a consoling hand on his shoulder.)
Barman: That was awesome, Brent. If you decimate Mod Deuce like you decimated that cake, I will more than have the revenge I deserve.
Brent Alpine (groaning): Uhhh bon...za m....ate.
Barman: I made you a drink. It'll help settle your belly.
(Alpine lifts the glass to his lips. Suddenly, he pauses and casts a suspicious side stare at the barman.)
Brent Alpine: Hang on a sec. You really think I'm a big galah, don't you? I know about you and your reputation for spiking drinks.
Barman: What?! I told you. Mod Deuce lied about me. How can you believe that dick over me? I thought I was your mate.
Brent Alpine: Fair go. I trust ya.
(Alpine sips on the 'water' to the eager anticipation of the barman.)
(We then get into his POV. Stars form. The stars morph into zig zags. A kaleidoscope of colours blur together. The music turns to slurs. Our vision starts to fade until... darkness.)
(We are now in a bedroom. Alpine is handcuffed to the bed and looks dazed and confused. He sees three shadows - one in front of him at the foot of the bed and one either side.)
Front Shadow (booming voice): Relax!
Brent Alpine: Who are you?
Shadows (in unison, booming): We are the Shadows of Darkness!!!!!!!!!! You belong to us now.
Brent Alpine: Alright mates! Great to meet ya. I hear you're nice blokes!
Front Shadow (even more booming): FEAR US!
Brent Alpine: Why should I fear you? You seem pretty ripper to me.
Left Shadow (whiney, nasally voice): Oh please fear us. It hurts our feelings if you don't fear us.
Brent Alpine: Well in that case, Dingo, brrrrr... I'm quaking, I'm quaking.
Right Shadow (even more nasal, geeky voiced): Whoooooooo spoooooooky. You will join us!
Brent Alpine: Does that mean I get to hang out with Denise D'Evil and Night Rider and watch goth teen romances and listen to terrible gangster rap? AWESOME!
Front Shadow (feminine tone): Who is Denise?
Brent Alpine: You know - WCF lady. The Death Bringer. The one who is under your spell or whatever.
(The shadows step closer to the bed. They seem to form into shape. They are the Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde from the club earlier. Alpine does a double take and rubs his bleary eyes.)
Front Shadow/Earthy Blonde: I don't understand. Just shut up and let us love you.
Brent Alpine: Wow, I am so high right now.
(As the svelte ladies crawl towards Alpine on the bed, we hear a huge thud as though something bigger landed.)
Brent Alpine: What the...?!
(The Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde suddenly quadruple in size and body weight. They are gigantic and distinctly less attractive.)
Obese Brunette Hipster: Let us ride you like a camel like you promised.
Brent Alpine: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Brent's POV - He closes his eyes; wishing the moment away. Suddenly, silence. He opens his eyes and no one is there.)
Brent Alpine: Phew! Fair suck of the sav!
(Suddenly, Mod Deuce, Denise D'Evil and Jayden Thunder appear. They hover over Brent menacingly. He yelps.)
Voice: PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME!
(Alpine's three opponents merge into one being. It's the barman.)
Barman: PAYBACK TIME! Come on Brent, you have to go train for Payback. You have to burn off all that cake.
Brent Alpine: You spiked my drink, ya bloody rotter!
Barman: No I didn't. You OD'ed on chocolate cake!
Brent Alpine: Then why am I sore where the sun don't shine?
Barman: Well you did spend about an hour on the shitter last night. Stunk my whole house up and probably overexerted your sphincter. Can't believe I let you stay over. Cake drunk.
Brent Alpine: Then why am I handcuffed to the bed?
(The camera moves to film Alpine. It turns out that he isn't handcuffed to the bed at all but has his arms outstretched as though he is handcuffed.)
Barman: Man, have you been hallucinating?
Brent Alpine: Must've been, mate.
Barman: Haha, well you can tell me later. I'll leave you to come back to the land of the living. But get out of here soon please. My girlfriend's coming over in a bit.
(The barman leaves through the door. Alpine lies in bed and chuckles to himself.)
Brent Alpine: Hallucinating? On cake? HAHAHAHAHA.
(Fade to black.)
Text on screen: The End.
(Fade to black.)
Text on screen: Or is it?
(The scene opens up back in the bedroom. Brent Alpine is standing on the bed. The obese, hallucination versions of Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde frolic around him suggestively in only their underwear. The tune to 'Blurred Lines' by Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell kicks up. The barman struts into shot. The large women dance with abandon.)
Barman: Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Brent Alpine: If you didn't hear, the brightest star is here
If you don't know what is super clear
Maybe turn on your TV
Maybe look online
It's time for Brent to shiiiiiiiinnnne
Barman: Everybody get up
(Suddenly, the women all have Jayden Thunder masks on.)
Brent Alpine: OK now Jayden's dull, he's so domesticated
He's just a wrassler, speaks like he's constipated
The definition of outdated
Hey, hey, hey
Squashed by James Fatal
Hey, hey, hey
Fat like he's prenatal
(The women all morph into Brent Alpine. Therefore, we have three Brent Alpines, in lingerie, dancing sexily around the real Brent Alpine with the barman looking on in confusion.)
Brent Alpine: And that's why I'm gonna make a good mate
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good bloke
Just a little prehistoric
So come get meteoric
Or sophomoric
I love your lightning strikes
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
Please be a good mate
Thunder's roaring
While we're all snoring
That's cuz he's boring
(The three fake Brent Alpines turn into the original Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde. This time, the seductive dancing and bikinis are more easy on the eye. The bartender smiles. However, Denise D'Evil masks magically appear on their faces. The bartender's grin widens.)
Brent Alpine: Hubba, hubba, Miss Denisey
Why you make me think so sleazy?
Beating you is easy peasy
You're the oldest bitch in this place
They say you're immortal
Hey, hey, hey
Born from a portal
Hey, hey, hey
Don't make me chortle
Hey, hey, hey
(The Trendy Chinese Girl now has a Night Rider mask appear on her face. The Brunette Hipster has a shadowy mask on. Earthy Blonde keeps her Denise D'Evil face. 'Night Rider' and 'Shadow' are playing tug of war with 'Denise'.)
Brent Alpine: Night Rider was too young, he tried to ice preserve you
Like David Hasselhoff, so he could orally serve you
But he truly don't deserve you
Hey, hey, hey
Just go on Jerry Springer
Hey, hey, hey
My lovely Death Bringer
Hey, hey, hey
(The three women turn back into shadows, who continue to dance provocatively.)
Brent Alpine: And that's why I'm gonna take an old girl
Come be my best mate
Let's go on a hot date
It must be our fate
Just leave the shadows
Don't be so sad-oh
They make you bad-yo
Come to your Daddio
Just be my best friend
I know you want it
I know you want it
We can eat ice cream
Act like scream queens
Paint our nails like we're fifteen
Cry at bad love scenes
(The three shadows turn back into the overweight women; this time with Mod Deuce masks on. The barman steps forward.)
Barman: One thing I know of thee
Is that my boy The Shine'll rip your ass in three
Yo, from Mody D, to Denise D-E
And not to forget, Mr. Jayden T
Just you wait until the P-P-V
The Shine will truly get revenge for me
From Deuce's attack that made me spill my pee
And I never slipped them girls the E
So he'll beat you three in the ring
No matter bout the best that you can bring
Yeah experience he might just lack
But The Shine is playing a fresh new track
He'll slap Denise silly upside her rack
And beat the Lightning out of Jayden's sack
He'll make Deuce bleed from his hairy crack
Brent Alpine is coming to take Payback!
Brent Alpine: Cut the music!
(The music stops.)
Brent Alpine: Come on mate, that was a bit harsh. I'm not going to be slapping racks, beating any sacks or especially doing ANYTHING with cracks. I am just going to win my match like a gentleman and then afterwards we can all have a group hug and be mates. I will be kind enough to share the glory of my victory with them. So no, it's not Payback. Where Brent Alpine is concerned, it's always Paying It Forward.
(He winks and flashes a cheesy grin. The scene cuts.)
(We glide down a flight of stairs into a quieter section of the club. The music is subdued soul and the volume is much lower to permit chatter. This area is busier and flirty in atmosphere. We zoom in on a table of three beautiful ladies - a trendy Chinese girl, an earthy blonde and a curvaceous brunette hipster.)
Brunette Hipster: This is lame.
Trendy Chinese Girl: Shall we get out of here?
(Two of the girls start to get up but the blonde sits still, transfixed by something out of shot. Her right index finger rests on pouted lips.)
Earthy Blonde: Wait...
('The Shine' Brent Alpine has just come through the nightclub entrance. He looks dashing in his favourite suit and catches the eye of most of the patrons. In slow motion, he runs his hands through his magnificent mane. He flashes a cheeky grin around the room before meeting eyes with the three singletons.)
Trendy Chinese Girl: Damn!
Brunette Hipster: Yummy.
Earthy Blonde: He would GET it. He can take me right here, right now.
Brunette Hipster: Looks a bit cocky though.
Earthy Blonde: He can cock me! I don't care what he's like.
Trendy Chinese Girl: Is he... coming over?
(Alpine saunters towards them as if walking in honey. They are giggling.)
Brent Alpine: G'Day Sheilas!
Earthy Blonde (agog): Ooh, an accent!
Brent Alpine: Australia mate!
Brunette Hipster: What's your name?
Brent Alpine: I am 'The Shine' Brent Alpine, WCF wrestling megastar. I am here to tell you that the cure to your sexual frustration has been discovered and it comes in a 6 foot 6, 227 ibs hunk of pure Aussie love. Now you are lucky because my bed is comfortably big enough for the four of us and I am happy to be shared. Just be gentle (mimics a couger growling).
(The girls' looks of intrigue fall to nauseous frowns. The brunette and Chinese girl go to leave but the blonde holds them back.)
Earthy Blonde: Look, I don't know who told you that you need to use stupid lines like that or act like a player to pick up girls. Let's reset. Go back there, come back over and just BE NORMAL.
(Alpine's head falls, ashamed and wounded. He turns back and walks. He faces away from the girls, staring at the wall.)
Brent Alpine (affirming to himself): Come on Brent, be normal. I am OK... just... the way... I am.
(Alpine goes back towards the girls. This time he shuffles awkwardly and seems to be hyperventilating.)
Brent Alpine: Umm yeah... so I'm Brent. I just... err, saw you... and thought you ladies seemed, like, very beautiful. I just wanted to... meet y...
(The girls smile warmly. Brent seems to backtrack. He suddenly snaps back into his former personality. His spine straightens, his voice becomes more resonant and his entire body language transforms bombastically.)
Brent Alpine: I just wanted to let you ride me like a camel and enjoy every single one of my humps. In fact, I will make you beg to mount the Alpine!
(Brent opens his arms wide, closes his eyes and waits in expectation that they will throw themselves at him. Instead, the girls signal to each other facially so they leave. Alpine waits for a few seconds and then seems stunned that they have not jumped on him. He realises that they are leaving and pursues them.)
Brent Alpine: Wait! Don't you know who I am? I'm 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. I'm famous. A wrestling superstar!
Brunette Hipster: We don't care.
Trendy Chinese Girl: You can go where the sun don't shine, Mr. Shine!
(He starts to follow them out of the club. Two scary, muscle bound bouncers look on in alarm.)
Brent Alpine: Can't we at least be mates?
Earthy Blonde: No! Piss off!
(As Brent continues to follow, the bouncers interject and block his route to the ladies.)
Bouncer 1: Go any further and you will be mates with my fist!
Brent Alpine (inspecting the bouncer's raised fist): Well it is a very strong fist. How you doin? I'm Brent.
(The bouncer grabs Brent around the throat. Meanwhile, the girls are now out of sight.)
Brent Alpine: Streuth, that's my throat bro! Wait a second... are you Mod Deuce?
Bouncer 1 (tightens his grip): Who?
Brent Alpine: Mod Deuce, the WCF wrestler. The one who likes trucks and pudding. My commiserations about your Dad. He seemed a good bloke. Now can you let go of my throat mate?
Bouncer 1: Alan, you deal with this prick.
(The bouncer shoves Alpine into his colleague Alan. Alan swings a big punch at Alpine. Brent ducks and floors Alan with an enziguri kick.)
Brent Alpine: Aw mate, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
(The first bouncer then charges into Alpine with a battlecry. Alpine starts to go flying but hooks the bouncer's head into a huge DDT into the road.)
Brent Alpine: NO!!! What have I done?
(The Shine gets up and inspects the two men.)
Brent Alpine: Are you OK?
(He gives Alan a gentle kick to see if he's conscious.)
Brent Alpine: Hello?
(He then kicks the other bouncer, harder this time. He crouches down and slaps both of their faces.)
Brent Alpine: I didn't mean it guys. Are you awake?
(He kicks them again.)
Brent Alpine: Come on, stop pretending. Let's go and party mates. The night is still a baby and there's Sheilas still in need of a shagging.
(He gives up and walks back into the club.)
Brent Alpine: Mates, you are no fun. I'm going back to rock my body that rocks the party that rocks other bodies. ALL NIGHT LONG! BONZA!
(Back inside, Brent approaches the bar and is met with a perplexed glare from the familiar looking barman. The area around his eye is swollen, as if he has a dislocated eye socket, and he has stitches in his lip.)
Brent Alpine: Hit me, garçon!
Barman: With what?
Brent Alpine: Um... a coke. I'm driving.
(The Barman leans over the bar and observes Alpine close up.)
Barman: Hey! You're Brent Alpine!
Brent Alpine: Oh, you're a fan of 'The Shine', the Culture Vulture, the Gargantuan of Glamour...
Barman: No, you're shit. But I believe we have a mutual enemy.
Brent Alpine: Brent Alpine doesn't have enemies, kid. I am as laid back as a koala bear. Well, all except for that little turd that bit me when I rubbed its belly.
Barman: You're not fooling me. I saw you kick the ropes after you and The Ultimate Destroyer's loss to Michael Lassiter on Slam. You were the furthest thing from laid back.
Brent Alpine: Three things, mate. One, I didn't lose to Michael Lassiter. I just didn't win. The Ultimate Destroyer got pinned, not me. I could see Lassiter was struggling so I gift wrapped him the win because I'm selfless and that's just the way I roll. Two, I kicked the rope not in rage but in homage to The Ultimate Destroyer. If you recall, he was punching and kicking cars in his promo last week. They say that mates begin to mimic each other so I've started to kick inanimate objects. See...
(He kicks the wooden bar hard.)
Brent Alpine: Ow! See what I mean? No rage. Third of all, you can hardly talk about enemies with that flaming great eye mess and busted lip. No offence.
Barman: That's where our mutual enemy comes in. This was done by Mod Deuce, your opponent for the Payback Pay Per View this Sunday. What's even worse is that it was filmed for his promo '(Holding out for a) Hero?'. Some legal people paid me off not to take any further action or go to the press.
Brent Alpine: You're the guy who was slipping those girls ecstacy in their drinks?
Barman: Of course not! I put absolutely nothing in any drinks except the drinks themselves. How can the judgement of a big drunken oaf like Deuce and his Scottish assassin friend Roger be trusted? Instead of investigating, he just started throwing me around the bar. I could've died!
Brent Alpine: Sorry to hear that, cobber!
Barman: You have to take him out for me, Brent. Don't worry about Jayden Thunder and Denise D'Evil. Focus on Deuce and get Payback for what he did to me!
Brent Alpine: Dude, I'm just wrestling him. I will obviously beat him but I won't hurt him beyond the confines of the wrestling ring. The Shine is a peacemaker.
Barman: If you promise to take him out, I'll be your mate. I'll even bring you to an after-party tonight.
(Alpine considers it.)
(Cut to a living room. A party is obviously going on as there are young people everywhere with a variety of beverages in their hands. Something is happening just out of shot.)
Party Goers (8 people in unison): DOWN IT, DOWN IT, DOWN IT, DOWN IT! Oooooooooohhhhhh.... DOWN IT!
Barman: Come on Brent, down it!
(The camera moves right to reveal Brent Alpine kneeling at a table with a giant castle of chocolate cake. He is forcing a huge piece in his mouth. Some bits are stuck on his beard and has stained his suit. He quickly swallows it and then grabs his next handful.)
Brent Alpine (while eating and spitting crumbs): I LOVE CAKE!
Barman: Go Brent! Deuce has nothing on you. He is truly a pudding lightweight!
(Alpine eats the entire chunk in one. He buries his head in the cake. The scene cuts.)
(We reopen in the same room. The party guests all seem to have gone except for Alpine and the barman who is presumably the host. Brent is curled in agony up on the settee, holding his stomach. He wipes chocolate cake out of his face and hair with a towel. The barman brings over a glass of water and puts a consoling hand on his shoulder.)
Barman: That was awesome, Brent. If you decimate Mod Deuce like you decimated that cake, I will more than have the revenge I deserve.
Brent Alpine (groaning): Uhhh bon...za m....ate.
Barman: I made you a drink. It'll help settle your belly.
(Alpine lifts the glass to his lips. Suddenly, he pauses and casts a suspicious side stare at the barman.)
Brent Alpine: Hang on a sec. You really think I'm a big galah, don't you? I know about you and your reputation for spiking drinks.
Barman: What?! I told you. Mod Deuce lied about me. How can you believe that dick over me? I thought I was your mate.
Brent Alpine: Fair go. I trust ya.
(Alpine sips on the 'water' to the eager anticipation of the barman.)
(We then get into his POV. Stars form. The stars morph into zig zags. A kaleidoscope of colours blur together. The music turns to slurs. Our vision starts to fade until... darkness.)
(We are now in a bedroom. Alpine is handcuffed to the bed and looks dazed and confused. He sees three shadows - one in front of him at the foot of the bed and one either side.)
Front Shadow (booming voice): Relax!
Brent Alpine: Who are you?
Shadows (in unison, booming): We are the Shadows of Darkness!!!!!!!!!! You belong to us now.
Brent Alpine: Alright mates! Great to meet ya. I hear you're nice blokes!
Front Shadow (even more booming): FEAR US!
Brent Alpine: Why should I fear you? You seem pretty ripper to me.
Left Shadow (whiney, nasally voice): Oh please fear us. It hurts our feelings if you don't fear us.
Brent Alpine: Well in that case, Dingo, brrrrr... I'm quaking, I'm quaking.
Right Shadow (even more nasal, geeky voiced): Whoooooooo spoooooooky. You will join us!
Brent Alpine: Does that mean I get to hang out with Denise D'Evil and Night Rider and watch goth teen romances and listen to terrible gangster rap? AWESOME!
Front Shadow (feminine tone): Who is Denise?
Brent Alpine: You know - WCF lady. The Death Bringer. The one who is under your spell or whatever.
(The shadows step closer to the bed. They seem to form into shape. They are the Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde from the club earlier. Alpine does a double take and rubs his bleary eyes.)
Front Shadow/Earthy Blonde: I don't understand. Just shut up and let us love you.
Brent Alpine: Wow, I am so high right now.
(As the svelte ladies crawl towards Alpine on the bed, we hear a huge thud as though something bigger landed.)
Brent Alpine: What the...?!
(The Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde suddenly quadruple in size and body weight. They are gigantic and distinctly less attractive.)
Obese Brunette Hipster: Let us ride you like a camel like you promised.
Brent Alpine: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Brent's POV - He closes his eyes; wishing the moment away. Suddenly, silence. He opens his eyes and no one is there.)
Brent Alpine: Phew! Fair suck of the sav!
(Suddenly, Mod Deuce, Denise D'Evil and Jayden Thunder appear. They hover over Brent menacingly. He yelps.)
Voice: PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME! PAYBACK TIME!
(Alpine's three opponents merge into one being. It's the barman.)
Barman: PAYBACK TIME! Come on Brent, you have to go train for Payback. You have to burn off all that cake.
Brent Alpine: You spiked my drink, ya bloody rotter!
Barman: No I didn't. You OD'ed on chocolate cake!
Brent Alpine: Then why am I sore where the sun don't shine?
Barman: Well you did spend about an hour on the shitter last night. Stunk my whole house up and probably overexerted your sphincter. Can't believe I let you stay over. Cake drunk.
Brent Alpine: Then why am I handcuffed to the bed?
(The camera moves to film Alpine. It turns out that he isn't handcuffed to the bed at all but has his arms outstretched as though he is handcuffed.)
Barman: Man, have you been hallucinating?
Brent Alpine: Must've been, mate.
Barman: Haha, well you can tell me later. I'll leave you to come back to the land of the living. But get out of here soon please. My girlfriend's coming over in a bit.
(The barman leaves through the door. Alpine lies in bed and chuckles to himself.)
Brent Alpine: Hallucinating? On cake? HAHAHAHAHA.
(Fade to black.)
Text on screen: The End.
(Fade to black.)
Text on screen: Or is it?
(The scene opens up back in the bedroom. Brent Alpine is standing on the bed. The obese, hallucination versions of Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde frolic around him suggestively in only their underwear. The tune to 'Blurred Lines' by Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell kicks up. The barman struts into shot. The large women dance with abandon.)
Barman: Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Brent Alpine: If you didn't hear, the brightest star is here
If you don't know what is super clear
Maybe turn on your TV
Maybe look online
It's time for Brent to shiiiiiiiinnnne
Barman: Everybody get up
(Suddenly, the women all have Jayden Thunder masks on.)
Brent Alpine: OK now Jayden's dull, he's so domesticated
He's just a wrassler, speaks like he's constipated
The definition of outdated
Hey, hey, hey
Squashed by James Fatal
Hey, hey, hey
Fat like he's prenatal
(The women all morph into Brent Alpine. Therefore, we have three Brent Alpines, in lingerie, dancing sexily around the real Brent Alpine with the barman looking on in confusion.)
Brent Alpine: And that's why I'm gonna make a good mate
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good bloke
Just a little prehistoric
So come get meteoric
Or sophomoric
I love your lightning strikes
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
Please be a good mate
Thunder's roaring
While we're all snoring
That's cuz he's boring
(The three fake Brent Alpines turn into the original Trendy Chinese Girl, Brunette Hipster and Earthy Blonde. This time, the seductive dancing and bikinis are more easy on the eye. The bartender smiles. However, Denise D'Evil masks magically appear on their faces. The bartender's grin widens.)
Brent Alpine: Hubba, hubba, Miss Denisey
Why you make me think so sleazy?
Beating you is easy peasy
You're the oldest bitch in this place
They say you're immortal
Hey, hey, hey
Born from a portal
Hey, hey, hey
Don't make me chortle
Hey, hey, hey
(The Trendy Chinese Girl now has a Night Rider mask appear on her face. The Brunette Hipster has a shadowy mask on. Earthy Blonde keeps her Denise D'Evil face. 'Night Rider' and 'Shadow' are playing tug of war with 'Denise'.)
Brent Alpine: Night Rider was too young, he tried to ice preserve you
Like David Hasselhoff, so he could orally serve you
But he truly don't deserve you
Hey, hey, hey
Just go on Jerry Springer
Hey, hey, hey
My lovely Death Bringer
Hey, hey, hey
(The three women turn back into shadows, who continue to dance provocatively.)
Brent Alpine: And that's why I'm gonna take an old girl
Come be my best mate
Let's go on a hot date
It must be our fate
Just leave the shadows
Don't be so sad-oh
They make you bad-yo
Come to your Daddio
Just be my best friend
I know you want it
I know you want it
We can eat ice cream
Act like scream queens
Paint our nails like we're fifteen
Cry at bad love scenes
(The three shadows turn back into the overweight women; this time with Mod Deuce masks on. The barman steps forward.)
Barman: One thing I know of thee
Is that my boy The Shine'll rip your ass in three
Yo, from Mody D, to Denise D-E
And not to forget, Mr. Jayden T
Just you wait until the P-P-V
The Shine will truly get revenge for me
From Deuce's attack that made me spill my pee
And I never slipped them girls the E
So he'll beat you three in the ring
No matter bout the best that you can bring
Yeah experience he might just lack
But The Shine is playing a fresh new track
He'll slap Denise silly upside her rack
And beat the Lightning out of Jayden's sack
He'll make Deuce bleed from his hairy crack
Brent Alpine is coming to take Payback!
Brent Alpine: Cut the music!
(The music stops.)
Brent Alpine: Come on mate, that was a bit harsh. I'm not going to be slapping racks, beating any sacks or especially doing ANYTHING with cracks. I am just going to win my match like a gentleman and then afterwards we can all have a group hug and be mates. I will be kind enough to share the glory of my victory with them. So no, it's not Payback. Where Brent Alpine is concerned, it's always Paying It Forward.
(He winks and flashes a cheesy grin. The scene cuts.)
