Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2014 0:16:26 GMT -5
[We see the YouTube front screen being navigated by a person off screen. The cursor lingers over the 'Popular on YouTube' section, the grid of videos of current interest and controversy. Videos include 'Twerking Baby', 'WCF Slam Highlights', 'Monkey and Dog Cage Fight', 'Kim Kardashian Seminar on Neutrino Oscillations', 'LolzGrrl57 Goes SHOPPING' and 'Cormack MacNeil to appear in 50 Shades of Grey film?']
[The cursor descends and hovers over the Recommended panel. Featured are a variety of unusual soft porn clips - 'GILF Filth', 'Sexy Feet Tickle Party' and 'Super Mario Fetish'. Also present are videos titled 'Babysitter Lassiter' and 'Teen Sex Graveyard Scandal'. The latter has a preview picture from The Ultimate Destroyer beating up a car in his recent 'ultimate destruction and other rantings' promo. The cursor clicks on this video and it loads promptly. The user expands it to full screen.]
[Wobbly camera-phone footage captures a teenage boy reluctantly traipsing through marshy ground with a glimmer of moonlight barely illuminating his poor excuse for a goatee, greasy locks and Sepultura t-shirt.]
Female voice [slurring]: Come on... Shhhimon... don't... don't you want me?
[The camera turns round to self-shoot a raven haired beauty clad in a black PVC onesie. She appears to be struggling to walk in obviously muddy heels. She pans up her shapely figure, zooms in on her pale cleavage and then holds the shot at her attractive but fatigued face. Her eyeliner is smudged and her hair is bedraggled.]
Female: Don't you want me Shiiiiimon? Sime...onnnn.
[She turns the camera back to Simon.]
Simon: Of course I want you, Dahlia. I have wanted you ever since we had the detention together. But... umm... aren't you a little, like, drunk?
Dahlia: I'm like... always drunk! It's OK. Haven't you ever taken advantage of a girl before?
[Simon looks down in shame and continues walking.]
Dahlia: Shiimon, are you a... VIRGIN?!
Simon: No way! No!
Dahlia: Well why ya being all chil... chivloris... chivalrous like a big pussy?
Simon: Momma raised me a gentleman.
Dahlia [mocking]: 'Momma raised me a gentlemannnnnn'. Virgin!
Simon: I'm not!
Dahlia: Prove it!
[With conviction, Simon darts towards Dahlia, awkwardly sucks her face and grasps towards her chest. Dahlia drops her phone in shock. The camera is fixed on muddy grass.]
Dahlia [breathlessly laughing]: Ooh bad boy! Take me, take me, Shiiimon!
[We hear more panting, faint moans and scuffing sounds.]
Dahlia: WAIT!
Simon: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Dahlia: No, no, come with me.
[Dahlia picks up the phone and leads Simon through a gate.]
Simon: Where we going?
Dahlia: Shhomewhere shhhhexy.
[The scene cuts. Footage resumes in an old graveyard. Lights from the church beam down on a single grave. Dahlia is perched with her shoulders up against a cream marble tombstone, obscuring the name and other engravings. She is now merely in black lacy underwear and lies, spread eagle, facing the camera shamelessly. Her heels and PVC outfit have been discarded to her side.]
Simon: This is really disrespectful. I mean, these people died and they have families and friends who, like, care for them and shit. Can we not just go to your place?
Dahlia: What? You mean with my parents there? There's more life here than being around those deadbeats!
Simon: And do we have to film this?
Dahlia: I knew it! You... ARE a virgin! Well, no booty call for you.
Simon: No, it's cool, I'm good to go.
[Simon places the camera-phone up on a gravestone that reads 'Here lies Brent Alpine' and fails to notice its lack of a date of demise. He adjusts the camera so that it faces Dahlia's clumsy, inebriated attempt at a seduction pose. He walks towards her, partially drops his jeans and mounts her cautiously. He appears to hesitate before we see his hands fiddle to lower Dahlia's panties. We then see him thrust agriculturally as her legs wrap around his waist. No real nudity is displayed except for a glimpse of his hairy buttocks.]
Dahlia: Oh yeah.
Simon: Yeah.
Unknown voice [muffled, Australian accent]: Yeeeah!
[Simon stops momentarily in confusion at the other voice. He shrugs it off and carries on gyrating into Dahlia.]
Simon: Feels so good.
Dahlia: Feels amazing.
Unknown voice: Feels bonza mate!
[They stop in shock. Simon turns around to face the camera.]
Unknown voice: Oooh yeah, so big! So hot! Yeah! Yeah!
Simon [scanning the location]: Hello?
Unknown voice: Don't stop on my account mate. Give her a good pash. Make her squeal like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. BABY BABY BABY HOOO!
[Suddenly, white light emerges from the grave where the camera-phone was placed. Soil starts to fly and a gangly man climbs out of the grave. Dahlia screams but in horror this time. Simon gets off her, buttons up his jeans and adopts a half-hearted, terrified fighting stance. Dahlia covers up with her PVC outfit from the floor and cowers behind Simon's leg.]
[The man, suited and booted but obviously caked in dirt, waves comically at the amorous couple. He is boyish and handsome with curly, gelled dark hair and an innocent face barely hardened by the mud stains and slight stubble. His smile seems to span from ear to ear and his teeth beam like huge glaciers.]
Man: I just love a bit of love and I just couldn't miss this moment, guys. Your first pash after years of fancying each other. Simon, Dahlia, I congratulate you!
Dahlia [petrified and now sounding much more sober]: Who... are you?
Man: I'm your mate, Brent Alpine!
Simon: Brent who?
Brent Alpine: Brent Alpine! 'The Shine' Brent Alpine!
Simon: Who?
Brent Alpine [smiling, unaffected]: Brent Alpine!
Dahlia: Yes but who are you and how do you know our names?
Brent Alpine: You're my mates. We're mates on Twitter and now we're mates in real life, officially! This is an exciting moment for us all. I saw in your latest tweets that you might be hooking up tonight and... well Dahlia, I knew you'd take him here for a rendezvous. Just like you did with Leon Parker on that very spot! A bit dark but quite a romantic choice, I reckon.
Simon [to Dahlia]: You screwed Leon here?!
Dahlia [ashamed]: It was a long time ago.
Brent Alpine: Yeah, last week. But hey dudes, I'm so stoked for you both. And it sounded like you were getting on it real good. Though Simon, ease up on the vertical strokes. Next time, give it some grind, mate. And Dahlia, no need to wail like a flaming galah. His 'old fellah' and ego isn't so big that you have to appease it with a bit of love legato. He will be alright with the odd 'way to go sport!' and polite applause.
Dahlia: Why are you here? Are you a pervert?
Brent Alpine: A perve, me? Nah. I just like to celebrate new connections. Especially ones formed in gloomy places like this.
[Alpine faces the camera.]
Brent Alpine: Just like my connection to the dark world of WCF. My name is 'The Shine' Brent Alpine and I will be descending on Slam this Sunday to bring a little luminosity to your lives.
Simon: Wait a minute... Are you cutting a wrestling promo right now? You interrupted us to film for Wrestling Championship Federation?
Brent Alpine: That's right mate. The blokes in the production department wouldn't give me much of a filming budget so I decided to gatecrash you getting laid in the knowledge that your spunky little sheila here would be filming it on her Android. Until I make my debut, they are not going to give me the cash I need to truly SHINE in my promos. So I had to fix up this little menage a trois and get it on YouTube. But it was truly a pleasure watching you guys doing a bit of the rump-de-bumpy. You know what... I love you guys. We've only just met but I feel like we really bonded.
Dahlia: You are a frickin' weirdo. Come on Simon, let's get out of here.
Brent Alpine: Aw come on mates, don't be like that.
[They storm off.]
Brent Alpine: Fair dinkum, I embarrassed them and I apologise. Speaking of embarrassing people, I want to apologise in advance to Michael Lassiter and The Ultimate Destroyer for destroying their careers. Strewth, I am absolutely spitting the dummy that this happens to be the debut of all three of us in WCF. They seem like good blokes but nature dictates that someone as athletically, mentally, genetically and downright holistically superior as me will inevitably prevail. I feel utterly devastated for them.
[Alpine laughs but seems to correct himself and flashes an intense stare.]
Brent Alpine: It's kinda funny... well, tragic is a better word... but this scene is like a microcosm of Lassiter and Destroyer's careers after Slam. I'll be like a gravedigger as I bury their WCF reputations, 1-2-3. Reluctantly, of course. Then you fans will go wild and basically have rump-de-bumpy over their tombstones. Ok, ok, so it's not the best metaphor but the point still stands - their careers are in grave danger!
['The Shine' tries to smooth over the grave he burrowed out of.]
Brent Alpine: Anyway, all I know about Michael Lassiter is that he is allergic to smiling. That's OK. I can do serious. I just know that underneath that grizzly exterior is a big softy. The guy is essentially a teddy bear who has learned 28 thousand types of suplex. And what is a suplex? Well, it's really a type of hug. So he's a guy who just wasn't hugged enough as a child by his Mum. My heart actually mourns for the bloke. So I will make sure to give him my best Alpine hug on Sunday.
[Alpine hugs the camera-phone briefly.]
Brent Alpine: Now, as for my mate The Ultimate Destroyer, I see you're taking road rage to new extremes. Cars get me cranky at the best of times but I'm not sure I would use one as a punchbag. Don't get me wrong, being mates is all about compromise. So I would be happy to hang out with you and we could kick the crap out of cars but you'll have to come play beach volleyball with me down in Sydney. That's the way you roll and I get that. I am extremely tolerant. You mumbled something incoherent about Michael and I being lambs to the slaughter. Well, may I sheepishly respond and say that your statement is a bit woolly there. I may be rambunctious and merely enjoying sheep thrills, but I know I will raise the baaaa on Sunday. People will flock to see me because I am shear class. Maybe I am bleating on but the only lamb that will be slaughtered will be... ewe!
[Alpine picks up the phone and directs it to the grave where the teen couple had been fornicating. The tombstone reads 'Here lies the careers of Michael Lassiter and The Ultimate Destroyer, 2014-2014'.]
Brent Alpine: WCF, as you already know, my name is 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. I am a Visionary, Artiste, Culture Vulture, Poet, Diplomat, Casanova, Friend, Humanitarian, Peacemaker and I just scream Herculean Chic. I have come to make new mates, win wrestling matches and pimp up my waist with gold, gold and more gold. Thank you, in advance, for your adoration. Time to shine.
[The scene fades. Consequently, the YouTube video ends and the internet user clicks the red x in the corner of the browser. Cut.]
[The cursor descends and hovers over the Recommended panel. Featured are a variety of unusual soft porn clips - 'GILF Filth', 'Sexy Feet Tickle Party' and 'Super Mario Fetish'. Also present are videos titled 'Babysitter Lassiter' and 'Teen Sex Graveyard Scandal'. The latter has a preview picture from The Ultimate Destroyer beating up a car in his recent 'ultimate destruction and other rantings' promo. The cursor clicks on this video and it loads promptly. The user expands it to full screen.]
[Wobbly camera-phone footage captures a teenage boy reluctantly traipsing through marshy ground with a glimmer of moonlight barely illuminating his poor excuse for a goatee, greasy locks and Sepultura t-shirt.]
Female voice [slurring]: Come on... Shhhimon... don't... don't you want me?
[The camera turns round to self-shoot a raven haired beauty clad in a black PVC onesie. She appears to be struggling to walk in obviously muddy heels. She pans up her shapely figure, zooms in on her pale cleavage and then holds the shot at her attractive but fatigued face. Her eyeliner is smudged and her hair is bedraggled.]
Female: Don't you want me Shiiiiimon? Sime...onnnn.
[She turns the camera back to Simon.]
Simon: Of course I want you, Dahlia. I have wanted you ever since we had the detention together. But... umm... aren't you a little, like, drunk?
Dahlia: I'm like... always drunk! It's OK. Haven't you ever taken advantage of a girl before?
[Simon looks down in shame and continues walking.]
Dahlia: Shiimon, are you a... VIRGIN?!
Simon: No way! No!
Dahlia: Well why ya being all chil... chivloris... chivalrous like a big pussy?
Simon: Momma raised me a gentleman.
Dahlia [mocking]: 'Momma raised me a gentlemannnnnn'. Virgin!
Simon: I'm not!
Dahlia: Prove it!
[With conviction, Simon darts towards Dahlia, awkwardly sucks her face and grasps towards her chest. Dahlia drops her phone in shock. The camera is fixed on muddy grass.]
Dahlia [breathlessly laughing]: Ooh bad boy! Take me, take me, Shiiimon!
[We hear more panting, faint moans and scuffing sounds.]
Dahlia: WAIT!
Simon: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Dahlia: No, no, come with me.
[Dahlia picks up the phone and leads Simon through a gate.]
Simon: Where we going?
Dahlia: Shhomewhere shhhhexy.
[The scene cuts. Footage resumes in an old graveyard. Lights from the church beam down on a single grave. Dahlia is perched with her shoulders up against a cream marble tombstone, obscuring the name and other engravings. She is now merely in black lacy underwear and lies, spread eagle, facing the camera shamelessly. Her heels and PVC outfit have been discarded to her side.]
Simon: This is really disrespectful. I mean, these people died and they have families and friends who, like, care for them and shit. Can we not just go to your place?
Dahlia: What? You mean with my parents there? There's more life here than being around those deadbeats!
Simon: And do we have to film this?
Dahlia: I knew it! You... ARE a virgin! Well, no booty call for you.
Simon: No, it's cool, I'm good to go.
[Simon places the camera-phone up on a gravestone that reads 'Here lies Brent Alpine' and fails to notice its lack of a date of demise. He adjusts the camera so that it faces Dahlia's clumsy, inebriated attempt at a seduction pose. He walks towards her, partially drops his jeans and mounts her cautiously. He appears to hesitate before we see his hands fiddle to lower Dahlia's panties. We then see him thrust agriculturally as her legs wrap around his waist. No real nudity is displayed except for a glimpse of his hairy buttocks.]
Dahlia: Oh yeah.
Simon: Yeah.
Unknown voice [muffled, Australian accent]: Yeeeah!
[Simon stops momentarily in confusion at the other voice. He shrugs it off and carries on gyrating into Dahlia.]
Simon: Feels so good.
Dahlia: Feels amazing.
Unknown voice: Feels bonza mate!
[They stop in shock. Simon turns around to face the camera.]
Unknown voice: Oooh yeah, so big! So hot! Yeah! Yeah!
Simon [scanning the location]: Hello?
Unknown voice: Don't stop on my account mate. Give her a good pash. Make her squeal like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. BABY BABY BABY HOOO!
[Suddenly, white light emerges from the grave where the camera-phone was placed. Soil starts to fly and a gangly man climbs out of the grave. Dahlia screams but in horror this time. Simon gets off her, buttons up his jeans and adopts a half-hearted, terrified fighting stance. Dahlia covers up with her PVC outfit from the floor and cowers behind Simon's leg.]
[The man, suited and booted but obviously caked in dirt, waves comically at the amorous couple. He is boyish and handsome with curly, gelled dark hair and an innocent face barely hardened by the mud stains and slight stubble. His smile seems to span from ear to ear and his teeth beam like huge glaciers.]
Man: I just love a bit of love and I just couldn't miss this moment, guys. Your first pash after years of fancying each other. Simon, Dahlia, I congratulate you!
Dahlia [petrified and now sounding much more sober]: Who... are you?
Man: I'm your mate, Brent Alpine!
Simon: Brent who?
Brent Alpine: Brent Alpine! 'The Shine' Brent Alpine!
Simon: Who?
Brent Alpine [smiling, unaffected]: Brent Alpine!
Dahlia: Yes but who are you and how do you know our names?
Brent Alpine: You're my mates. We're mates on Twitter and now we're mates in real life, officially! This is an exciting moment for us all. I saw in your latest tweets that you might be hooking up tonight and... well Dahlia, I knew you'd take him here for a rendezvous. Just like you did with Leon Parker on that very spot! A bit dark but quite a romantic choice, I reckon.
Simon [to Dahlia]: You screwed Leon here?!
Dahlia [ashamed]: It was a long time ago.
Brent Alpine: Yeah, last week. But hey dudes, I'm so stoked for you both. And it sounded like you were getting on it real good. Though Simon, ease up on the vertical strokes. Next time, give it some grind, mate. And Dahlia, no need to wail like a flaming galah. His 'old fellah' and ego isn't so big that you have to appease it with a bit of love legato. He will be alright with the odd 'way to go sport!' and polite applause.
Dahlia: Why are you here? Are you a pervert?
Brent Alpine: A perve, me? Nah. I just like to celebrate new connections. Especially ones formed in gloomy places like this.
[Alpine faces the camera.]
Brent Alpine: Just like my connection to the dark world of WCF. My name is 'The Shine' Brent Alpine and I will be descending on Slam this Sunday to bring a little luminosity to your lives.
Simon: Wait a minute... Are you cutting a wrestling promo right now? You interrupted us to film for Wrestling Championship Federation?
Brent Alpine: That's right mate. The blokes in the production department wouldn't give me much of a filming budget so I decided to gatecrash you getting laid in the knowledge that your spunky little sheila here would be filming it on her Android. Until I make my debut, they are not going to give me the cash I need to truly SHINE in my promos. So I had to fix up this little menage a trois and get it on YouTube. But it was truly a pleasure watching you guys doing a bit of the rump-de-bumpy. You know what... I love you guys. We've only just met but I feel like we really bonded.
Dahlia: You are a frickin' weirdo. Come on Simon, let's get out of here.
Brent Alpine: Aw come on mates, don't be like that.
[They storm off.]
Brent Alpine: Fair dinkum, I embarrassed them and I apologise. Speaking of embarrassing people, I want to apologise in advance to Michael Lassiter and The Ultimate Destroyer for destroying their careers. Strewth, I am absolutely spitting the dummy that this happens to be the debut of all three of us in WCF. They seem like good blokes but nature dictates that someone as athletically, mentally, genetically and downright holistically superior as me will inevitably prevail. I feel utterly devastated for them.
[Alpine laughs but seems to correct himself and flashes an intense stare.]
Brent Alpine: It's kinda funny... well, tragic is a better word... but this scene is like a microcosm of Lassiter and Destroyer's careers after Slam. I'll be like a gravedigger as I bury their WCF reputations, 1-2-3. Reluctantly, of course. Then you fans will go wild and basically have rump-de-bumpy over their tombstones. Ok, ok, so it's not the best metaphor but the point still stands - their careers are in grave danger!
['The Shine' tries to smooth over the grave he burrowed out of.]
Brent Alpine: Anyway, all I know about Michael Lassiter is that he is allergic to smiling. That's OK. I can do serious. I just know that underneath that grizzly exterior is a big softy. The guy is essentially a teddy bear who has learned 28 thousand types of suplex. And what is a suplex? Well, it's really a type of hug. So he's a guy who just wasn't hugged enough as a child by his Mum. My heart actually mourns for the bloke. So I will make sure to give him my best Alpine hug on Sunday.
[Alpine hugs the camera-phone briefly.]
Brent Alpine: Now, as for my mate The Ultimate Destroyer, I see you're taking road rage to new extremes. Cars get me cranky at the best of times but I'm not sure I would use one as a punchbag. Don't get me wrong, being mates is all about compromise. So I would be happy to hang out with you and we could kick the crap out of cars but you'll have to come play beach volleyball with me down in Sydney. That's the way you roll and I get that. I am extremely tolerant. You mumbled something incoherent about Michael and I being lambs to the slaughter. Well, may I sheepishly respond and say that your statement is a bit woolly there. I may be rambunctious and merely enjoying sheep thrills, but I know I will raise the baaaa on Sunday. People will flock to see me because I am shear class. Maybe I am bleating on but the only lamb that will be slaughtered will be... ewe!
[Alpine picks up the phone and directs it to the grave where the teen couple had been fornicating. The tombstone reads 'Here lies the careers of Michael Lassiter and The Ultimate Destroyer, 2014-2014'.]
Brent Alpine: WCF, as you already know, my name is 'The Shine' Brent Alpine. I am a Visionary, Artiste, Culture Vulture, Poet, Diplomat, Casanova, Friend, Humanitarian, Peacemaker and I just scream Herculean Chic. I have come to make new mates, win wrestling matches and pimp up my waist with gold, gold and more gold. Thank you, in advance, for your adoration. Time to shine.
[The scene fades. Consequently, the YouTube video ends and the internet user clicks the red x in the corner of the browser. Cut.]
