Post by Mr. Jack Happy on Jan 17, 2014 3:20:10 GMT -5
"But, in fact, for this cause I have kept you in existence, for the sake of showing you my power and in order to have my name declared in all the earth." Exodus 9:16
(As our camera fades in, we find ourselves in the midst of the evening. The setting? A desert location, the wind howling like a wolf in love with its own voice. Ironic since one of the combatants is nicknamed, "The Lone Wolf." In any event, the crackle of a fire soon overtakes the wind's plaintive cries. The words, 'The Badlands' briefly appear as the camera pans to the right. We then see the hulking form of one Mr. Jack UnHappy as well as the menacing form of his protege, The Hangman. As The Hangman raises his hat from its low tilt, he shifts slightly in his seated position on a log. We see a large chain around his neck and, pierced through the middle of it, an old weathered bible. A sneering laugh emerges through the behemoth's lips momentarily before Jack speaks...)
"A new year and, with it, so many of the malcontents come up with their New Year's resolutions. The one thing in common? They'll fail. Doesn't matter if they want to lose weight, give up a vice, or even become more health conscious. Failure is the common denominator. They'll make an excuse and rationalize it all away because to feel remorse is ugly. And, in this delightfully shallow world we live in, ugly is just so socially unacceptable. If only they would've lowered the bar. All they had to do was realize that some sweeping change is just not going to work. People don't become colossal failures or successes overnight. It's all about a series of steps, but the babes that they are...they want to walk before they crawl. Everything now and nothing for later. Pathetic."
(Jack reaches down and grabs a cowboy hat of his own. He lets a brief grin wash over his face before returning back to his scowl. He shakes his head with disdainful regard of the camera before continuing...)
"Now, take me for instance. I've learned how futile it was to try and be kind to others. So many times I put the needs of others OVER the needs of my own. I wanted to share laughs with others, work WITH others, be a socially redeemable friend to any who would give me a chance. Guess what? Heroes are for comic books and movies. Fuck Hollywood and fuck the WCF. You people killed the laughter. For a while I was bitter, but now? I'm almost grateful until I hear the bullshit that spills out of each of your damn mouths. Then I realize just how useless it is to give ANYONE in the WCF an OUNCE of credibility. Nonono, instead I'll reserve that for The Hangman over here. HE deserves the gratitude for patiently waiting and wading through my misplaced hopes for this miserable excuse of a federation. He helped me to wake up and realize my true abilities, honing them with skilled precision."
"You see, I have the unique ability to change people. Don't believe me? Well, let's take a moment to review the impact that my self-epiphany has had on others shall we? The truth will undoubtedly hurt and, just like Sarah Twilight did at Slam, you people will LIE and try to push away the harsh reality. My advice? Deal with it because it's only going to get worse the longer you stick around."
"Since I left the running punchlines to be the roster of the WCF, I've beaten the hardcore legend that is Logan...changed him from HARDCORE to SOFTCORE. Jeffery Purse? Sarah would LOVE to take credit for ending his career, yet, I do believe the record books will show that his last match was against ME. I ended his career, Sarah. I'm the one that exposed him for the pompous, shallow fraud that he was and, in the end, he TAPPED OUT TO ME. He surrendered and accepted his fate as nothing more but all that is the WCF: A pathetic facade of granduer that reeks of bullshit. And the US Champion? Oh, he'll gladly accept victory over me, but what's the reality of the situation? He's nothing more than a loser that took advantage of no disqualification rules when he, too, was surrendering to his very own UNHAPPY ENDING. Funny how I alluded to malpractice because he'd be guilty of that in the medical profession if he mimicked his in-ring actions to that of a patient. His sad lie was another victory, albeit merely a MORAL one for Mr. UnHappy."
(The Hangman polishes off his bottle of Jack Daniels and hurls the bottle into the fire. The smashing glass doesn't phase Mr. UnHappy in the slightest. He rubs his chin contemplatively before continuing....)
"Speaking of Sarah, notice how I gave her a toaster while in the midst of my joviality? Who could possibly know that she would've ended up attached to someone? Who knew? I did. And try as she would to NOT accept the change in her status, what prevailed? In the end, she ended up with someone just as I knew all along. Ahhhh, the power of change...and the power of my influence over that change. You're welcome. Of course you'll try to discredit me again no doubt and take all the glory, but the truth is in the facts and the facts are on my side yet again. Besides, what are you going to do? Fire me? I'd love to see you try. Oh wait, you don't have that power anymore. You gave all that up just to wallow in the mud. Sarah, you make it seem like wrestling is your passion...it's your joy in life (next to Lilith). In a few months, you'll be just as miserable as all these other superstars and you'll realize that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. However, know this: As the weeks go by and your attitude changes, I will take great satisfaction in your misery. Your unhappiness will only validate my reason for being here all the moreso!"
"So let's shift gears and focus in on my two opponents for this week. Gee, thanks Seth. Oh yes, I just CHERISH fighting matches against a slew of your evolutionary missing links. Thanks so much! Of course, you probably are in fear that should I ever get my hands on a title, I'll just melt it down into a harmonica for my new manager over here as a token of my appreciation for him. So, instead, you decided that it would be great amusement for you to see me fight hominid #1: "The Lone Wolf" Chase Michaels and hominid #2: Cormack Macneill. Wow, what an ORIGINAL thought! Gee, let's put a 320 pound wrecking ball against those two. What's the worst that could happen? Why don't you be at ringside and find out Seth? Why not make this no disqualification? Is it because I'm not in a title match? Seth, you're nothing more than a bastard with a silver spoon stuck up your ass. What? Did I get that saying wrong? Shouldn't it be in your mouth? Your mouth, your ass, who knows what end is up with you...and furthermore, who the fuck cares?"
"Lone Wolf, haven't I beaten you enough? I beat you in a match, I beat you when the WCF decided to put us in a tag team elimination arrangement, I've probably beaten you on the PS3 or XBOX when you play the WCF game against someone and they choose my character, and I'm STILL pinning you in your sleep. I have absolutely NOTHING left to prove against you. So don't show up. Oh wait, even if you DID show up who could tell? Just go listen to Ozzy and go bark at the moon or something. Shed some fur, find a bitch NOT named Sarah to mate with, raise a litter, and hunt sheep for the rest of your life. Hell, go to a Shriner's hospital and give some dying kid hope because if a reject like you can somehow STILL get a paycheck here...hell, ANYTHING is possible and maybe little Timmy might actually live a more productive life than you ever could hope for. Hey, for that matter, let Timmy wrestle FOR YOU because the fans would be more entertained that's for sure. I even bet he could do a better interview than you. Now wouldn't THAT be a pleasant change? I think so!"
"Cormack. Hey, the 90's called and they want their Braveheart back. Go ahead and paint your face because we really don't want to see you. This is AMERICA, you're not fighting ENGLAND you dumb bastard. What's next? A lengthy battle speech about the WCF taking your life but never your freedom? I tell you what. I'll go to CVS, buy you a box of New Freedom tampons, and you can tape them to your head so you can experience all the freedom you want up close and personal. Go to Seth's office IMMEDIATELY and add a stipulation to this match. Wanna hear it? Of course you do! You're like all these other Nimrods and the word 'stipulation' gets confused with 'stimulation' and heaven can only know how long it's been since you've received ANY kind of stimulation at all. Anyways, let's put in this match the STIPULATION that WHEN I make you tap (because I'm downright NAUSEOUS of beating Lone Wolf), you have to wear underwear and jeans for 60 days. Talk about change! You wearing clothes AND walking upright...Darwin would be so proud!!!!"
"This year will have so much unhappiness for the masses. Somehow, through my perpetual frown, I'll find a way to smile...on the inside. You are all disappointments and I will do my utmost to remind you of that each and every day that we share together. I will change your lives by exposing you to harsh truths and if that makes me a bad person well...I'll take full credit! GET DOWN WITH THE FROWN!!!!!!!!"
(Bellowing laughter can be heard from The Hangman. As our camera pans over to him, we see the abomination rub his chain and pat the weathered bible. Eerily, our scene fades out.)
(As our camera fades in, we find ourselves in the midst of the evening. The setting? A desert location, the wind howling like a wolf in love with its own voice. Ironic since one of the combatants is nicknamed, "The Lone Wolf." In any event, the crackle of a fire soon overtakes the wind's plaintive cries. The words, 'The Badlands' briefly appear as the camera pans to the right. We then see the hulking form of one Mr. Jack UnHappy as well as the menacing form of his protege, The Hangman. As The Hangman raises his hat from its low tilt, he shifts slightly in his seated position on a log. We see a large chain around his neck and, pierced through the middle of it, an old weathered bible. A sneering laugh emerges through the behemoth's lips momentarily before Jack speaks...)
"A new year and, with it, so many of the malcontents come up with their New Year's resolutions. The one thing in common? They'll fail. Doesn't matter if they want to lose weight, give up a vice, or even become more health conscious. Failure is the common denominator. They'll make an excuse and rationalize it all away because to feel remorse is ugly. And, in this delightfully shallow world we live in, ugly is just so socially unacceptable. If only they would've lowered the bar. All they had to do was realize that some sweeping change is just not going to work. People don't become colossal failures or successes overnight. It's all about a series of steps, but the babes that they are...they want to walk before they crawl. Everything now and nothing for later. Pathetic."
(Jack reaches down and grabs a cowboy hat of his own. He lets a brief grin wash over his face before returning back to his scowl. He shakes his head with disdainful regard of the camera before continuing...)
"Now, take me for instance. I've learned how futile it was to try and be kind to others. So many times I put the needs of others OVER the needs of my own. I wanted to share laughs with others, work WITH others, be a socially redeemable friend to any who would give me a chance. Guess what? Heroes are for comic books and movies. Fuck Hollywood and fuck the WCF. You people killed the laughter. For a while I was bitter, but now? I'm almost grateful until I hear the bullshit that spills out of each of your damn mouths. Then I realize just how useless it is to give ANYONE in the WCF an OUNCE of credibility. Nonono, instead I'll reserve that for The Hangman over here. HE deserves the gratitude for patiently waiting and wading through my misplaced hopes for this miserable excuse of a federation. He helped me to wake up and realize my true abilities, honing them with skilled precision."
"You see, I have the unique ability to change people. Don't believe me? Well, let's take a moment to review the impact that my self-epiphany has had on others shall we? The truth will undoubtedly hurt and, just like Sarah Twilight did at Slam, you people will LIE and try to push away the harsh reality. My advice? Deal with it because it's only going to get worse the longer you stick around."
"Since I left the running punchlines to be the roster of the WCF, I've beaten the hardcore legend that is Logan...changed him from HARDCORE to SOFTCORE. Jeffery Purse? Sarah would LOVE to take credit for ending his career, yet, I do believe the record books will show that his last match was against ME. I ended his career, Sarah. I'm the one that exposed him for the pompous, shallow fraud that he was and, in the end, he TAPPED OUT TO ME. He surrendered and accepted his fate as nothing more but all that is the WCF: A pathetic facade of granduer that reeks of bullshit. And the US Champion? Oh, he'll gladly accept victory over me, but what's the reality of the situation? He's nothing more than a loser that took advantage of no disqualification rules when he, too, was surrendering to his very own UNHAPPY ENDING. Funny how I alluded to malpractice because he'd be guilty of that in the medical profession if he mimicked his in-ring actions to that of a patient. His sad lie was another victory, albeit merely a MORAL one for Mr. UnHappy."
(The Hangman polishes off his bottle of Jack Daniels and hurls the bottle into the fire. The smashing glass doesn't phase Mr. UnHappy in the slightest. He rubs his chin contemplatively before continuing....)
"Speaking of Sarah, notice how I gave her a toaster while in the midst of my joviality? Who could possibly know that she would've ended up attached to someone? Who knew? I did. And try as she would to NOT accept the change in her status, what prevailed? In the end, she ended up with someone just as I knew all along. Ahhhh, the power of change...and the power of my influence over that change. You're welcome. Of course you'll try to discredit me again no doubt and take all the glory, but the truth is in the facts and the facts are on my side yet again. Besides, what are you going to do? Fire me? I'd love to see you try. Oh wait, you don't have that power anymore. You gave all that up just to wallow in the mud. Sarah, you make it seem like wrestling is your passion...it's your joy in life (next to Lilith). In a few months, you'll be just as miserable as all these other superstars and you'll realize that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. However, know this: As the weeks go by and your attitude changes, I will take great satisfaction in your misery. Your unhappiness will only validate my reason for being here all the moreso!"
"So let's shift gears and focus in on my two opponents for this week. Gee, thanks Seth. Oh yes, I just CHERISH fighting matches against a slew of your evolutionary missing links. Thanks so much! Of course, you probably are in fear that should I ever get my hands on a title, I'll just melt it down into a harmonica for my new manager over here as a token of my appreciation for him. So, instead, you decided that it would be great amusement for you to see me fight hominid #1: "The Lone Wolf" Chase Michaels and hominid #2: Cormack Macneill. Wow, what an ORIGINAL thought! Gee, let's put a 320 pound wrecking ball against those two. What's the worst that could happen? Why don't you be at ringside and find out Seth? Why not make this no disqualification? Is it because I'm not in a title match? Seth, you're nothing more than a bastard with a silver spoon stuck up your ass. What? Did I get that saying wrong? Shouldn't it be in your mouth? Your mouth, your ass, who knows what end is up with you...and furthermore, who the fuck cares?"
"Lone Wolf, haven't I beaten you enough? I beat you in a match, I beat you when the WCF decided to put us in a tag team elimination arrangement, I've probably beaten you on the PS3 or XBOX when you play the WCF game against someone and they choose my character, and I'm STILL pinning you in your sleep. I have absolutely NOTHING left to prove against you. So don't show up. Oh wait, even if you DID show up who could tell? Just go listen to Ozzy and go bark at the moon or something. Shed some fur, find a bitch NOT named Sarah to mate with, raise a litter, and hunt sheep for the rest of your life. Hell, go to a Shriner's hospital and give some dying kid hope because if a reject like you can somehow STILL get a paycheck here...hell, ANYTHING is possible and maybe little Timmy might actually live a more productive life than you ever could hope for. Hey, for that matter, let Timmy wrestle FOR YOU because the fans would be more entertained that's for sure. I even bet he could do a better interview than you. Now wouldn't THAT be a pleasant change? I think so!"
"Cormack. Hey, the 90's called and they want their Braveheart back. Go ahead and paint your face because we really don't want to see you. This is AMERICA, you're not fighting ENGLAND you dumb bastard. What's next? A lengthy battle speech about the WCF taking your life but never your freedom? I tell you what. I'll go to CVS, buy you a box of New Freedom tampons, and you can tape them to your head so you can experience all the freedom you want up close and personal. Go to Seth's office IMMEDIATELY and add a stipulation to this match. Wanna hear it? Of course you do! You're like all these other Nimrods and the word 'stipulation' gets confused with 'stimulation' and heaven can only know how long it's been since you've received ANY kind of stimulation at all. Anyways, let's put in this match the STIPULATION that WHEN I make you tap (because I'm downright NAUSEOUS of beating Lone Wolf), you have to wear underwear and jeans for 60 days. Talk about change! You wearing clothes AND walking upright...Darwin would be so proud!!!!"
"This year will have so much unhappiness for the masses. Somehow, through my perpetual frown, I'll find a way to smile...on the inside. You are all disappointments and I will do my utmost to remind you of that each and every day that we share together. I will change your lives by exposing you to harsh truths and if that makes me a bad person well...I'll take full credit! GET DOWN WITH THE FROWN!!!!!!!!"
(Bellowing laughter can be heard from The Hangman. As our camera pans over to him, we see the abomination rub his chain and pat the weathered bible. Eerily, our scene fades out.)
