Post by Mr. Jack Happy on Nov 30, 2013 2:03:36 GMT -5
(Oh great. You guys again. Here to pick on me again? Oh, hey guys it's that dude that sounds like Napoleon. Friggin idiots. Look. I've got a job to do. And while it doesn't involve long hours or wearing a chicken costume and standing outside on the curb, it's still a job. SO LET ME DO IT! And they wonder why I have anger issues when I can't wear my headphones. GAH! ANYWAYS.....
Our scene fades in on a dimly lit room. In the center is a very meager table save for a rather large turkey. A light bulb, attached to a long electrical cord, flickers to life. Low, rumbling laughter is heard in the darkness and a black, gloved hand gently pushes on the bulb causing it to sway to and fro. As the camera attempts to focus on the source of the laughter as well as the hand, we see the humongous form of the WCF's very own Mr. Jack B. Happy. However, something doesn't appear to be...quite right.
Mr. Happy still has on the referee's outfit. On his head he's got on a headpiece that's half pilgrim hat and half indian headdress. Sitting down before the turkey, he clasps his hands together as if in prayer and speaks...)
"Well howdy doo buckaroos! How is everything going out there in Ha-Ha Land? Ya know, Thanksgiving has come and gone and now we're experiencing BLACK FRIDAY and...well, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on a couple of things and project forward into my match this Sunday at Slam. So here goes!
Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm very very thankful that I have a job here in the fantastically fun WCF. It's not something I take lightly and...well...when you're exercising you're own gravitational force-field, you wouldn't take ANYTHING lightly at all! Muhahaha..I just made a funny! Man, this turkey looks good. Stuffed it myself with burritos! Did an old take on a Happy tradition."
(As the light continues to sway back and forth, the camera closes in on Happy's face and we see several tears in his mask courtesy of Jeff Purse's Spoke Kick from the previous Sunday. The mask, on the left side of the face, begins to sag as we see what looks like a black mask perhaps?
underneath. Happy's laughter is muted a bit and we hear another voice, perhaps this one in the Feared Funnyman's head. Nonetheless, it becomes audible for us to hear...)
"Black Friday. Fitting day for ME. So he's giving thanks, eh? Well, allow me to tell YOU what I'm UNTHANKFUL for. I'm UNTHANKFUL that you slathering idiots continue to take HIM lightly. It fuels something within him and that something within him is ME. Hi Jeff Purse. I was the one with the Circus Maul. I was the one missing your cranium by mere inches BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT AT THE TIME! Oh, and thanks to the Redhead DEADHEAD known as Sarah Twilight for making this match NON-TITLE. Wow. You're really fucking with his head and I gotta tell ya that I'm THISCLOSE to smiling...okay...moment's over."
"Secondly, I'm in a fatal four-way match. Most people wouldn't like four-ways. However, I've fought fun-on-one, I've done a three-way (in more ways than one!), and now I'm doing a four-way. And it's going to take three people to fight against the largest love handles the WCF has ever seen. Normally, I've got the mirth and the girth, but I think for this Sunday....and especially after I eat this turkey...I'm gonna have the gobble and the wobble. Oh, dare I even say that I'll have the killer peck and the turkey neck? I JUST DID!"
(Once more, Happy's face goes out of the light and we hear a dark voice again...)
"I'm not fighting just three people Sunday night Sarah. I'm fighting SOOOOO many more. And it's not just people either, is it? I get to fight perceptions, arrogance, misguided rage, and the list just goes on and on. And who knows exactly WHAT will happen at the end of the night? I know Jack is going to be very, very busy no doubt. But do you know what's going to be interesting for me? Chaos. Sheer, unadulterated chaos. You've created the canvas for me to paint a masterpiece of mayhem."
"Chino, it's been said that you're extreme. Neat-O! I can be extreme too! I like to eat extreme amounts of burritos. Hey, maybe I'll bring two and we can see who can eat one faster. Tell ya what. Let's really make it extreme. We'll cover our burritos in Ghost Pepper Sauce. Sound good? I really don't think you have a 'ghost' of a chance against me and, just like in our match, you're gonna get burned! I'm hardcore grown and Vaudeville's very own feared funnyman."
(The light leaves Jack again...)
"What the hell? Chino? I can't believe New Jersey put out ANOTHER piece of shore shit, "bro." Look, you're not getting any kind of glory out of this match so why don't you just put down your hairspray, hang up on Snooki and realize you're in a hopeless situation. No..wait...not THE Situation. A situation. Ya know what? Either way, you're in a very deep, dark hole and you're full of it. OH! WHOA!"
"Logan, how's it going buckaroo??? You're going to be a very tough adversary no doubt about it. In fact, rumor has it that you're one tough nut to crack. Or is that that two? Bwahahahahahaha. All joking aside...okay, I lied, I can't quit having fun at your expense! Would you like some turkey or are you the biggest turkey in this match? Well be prepared to get stuffed with boots, fists, and whatever other trimmings that the ring may provide. You might even get arrowed to the knee or even get initiated into the Slapaho tribe courtesy of these incredibly and bodaciously beefy hands that I alone possess."
(Tick tock. Right on time.)
"What are you doing in this match Logan? Seriously? What do you have to GAIN from this encounter? You clearly are the least interested participant in this match. It's as if this match would bore you. So why bother? Just..I dunno...take a hike. Go play rock 'em cock'em robots with Boudlebot. Or...ORRRR...maybe you and your son could tag team Sarah because her several-month long period (which has turned into more of an exclamation mark) surely has to be ending in the next couple of days. I hear she's a real firecracker. Why'd you flinch? I said FIREcracker, not NUTcracker. You two could impregnate her and she'd give birth to a can full of almond joys. Bleh. The humor here is almost as painful as watching you compete in the ring as of late. If you're not careful, you could end up in the hospital next to your friend 'Lilith'...the one with the hairy legs. And the five o'clock shadow. Still can't distinguish them eh? Real Harvard grad you are."
"Ooooh! Ryan Rhodes. Hey, Ryan, you have something shiny and gold around your waist, but why aren't you defending it? You know, my lovehandles have been lacking a certain 'bling' element to them as of late and it's kinda sad that for all your 'venom', you're all sliter and not bite...or is that spit? Well, it's comforting in knowing that you're not a spitter. Wait..umm..err....ahem.
Anyways, you should do the right thing and that is put your belt up on the line. That's what the fans would want to see. I know the delightfully deranged denziens known as The Happy-ites as well as The Slap Happys on the corner of 69th and 88th would derive great pleasure. I'm sure that even your Rhodes-ians....?
(Jack shrugs as he grabs his knife and fork and sizes up the turkey.)
....would be on the edge of their seats in excitement. Even though there would be other matches after ours, the one everyone would be talking about would be this one. Now I know that you're a nice guy and you might feel a little apprehensive when it comes to stealing, but it's not a crime to want to take the spotlight. In fact, that's what every superstar aspires to do: to be the center of attention. Course, when you're the massive, macho muchacho known as Mr. Happy, you're the front, center, AND back of attention. Attention is in permanent orbit (and not the Steve kind) around your's truly.
(The light bulb makes a sound as if the element is about to go out in it as the light leaves Happy once again...)
"Ryan Rhodes, you're just like Jeffery. It's as if you feel that you're above defending your title. Your opponents don't fit into your precious, little mold do they? And even Sarah is telling you that, isn't she? You're one pathetic follower. Honestly, I'd rather enjoy fighting the other two and inflicting my malice on them than I would waste my time with the likes of you. You're such a brickhead, you'll probably employ the tactic of beating my hands up with your face. Way to go chump.
From here on out, I'm calling you Jeff Jr. No? How about Little Jeffy? Or...ORRRR....Jeffy Lube? You pick one that you like and we'll just run with it okay? Tell you what. Why don't we redo a famous porno and it will star you and Logan. You know the one right? 'Saving Ryan's Privates?' Of course, this one doesn't have a happy ending. Instead, it's crushing defeat will resemble your's in the ring. Damn, that almost made me laugh. Kind of like your career."
"Man, I'm starving. I can't wait to dig in. It's kinda like Slam if you think about it. I've got a feast of fatal punchlines to deliver as well as upbeat beatdowns. And there's plenty for seconds and even thirds!!!!!! And I have you three buckaroos to give my thanks for the awesome meal of victory. You guys can bow your heads all you want, but we all know that you don't have a prayer of a chance and if you think otherwise....even for a fleeting moment, I want you to look deep down into your soul and ask yourselves....
Seriously??? You're joking, right?
(At that point, the light bulb makes a sound and goes out.)
"Sarah. Jeff. WCF. You see the world in black and white. Fitting for you all because things will get very black in the upcoming months, but there won't be a white light that you can run towards. BE UNHAPPY!"
(The light tries to flicker to life once more. When it does, we see The Happyshades fall down over Jack's face. What's noticeable, though, is that the left lens is spiderweb cracked. Jack casts his trademark scared flinch before the light goes out for the final time. Our scene fades out.)
Our scene fades in on a dimly lit room. In the center is a very meager table save for a rather large turkey. A light bulb, attached to a long electrical cord, flickers to life. Low, rumbling laughter is heard in the darkness and a black, gloved hand gently pushes on the bulb causing it to sway to and fro. As the camera attempts to focus on the source of the laughter as well as the hand, we see the humongous form of the WCF's very own Mr. Jack B. Happy. However, something doesn't appear to be...quite right.
Mr. Happy still has on the referee's outfit. On his head he's got on a headpiece that's half pilgrim hat and half indian headdress. Sitting down before the turkey, he clasps his hands together as if in prayer and speaks...)
"Well howdy doo buckaroos! How is everything going out there in Ha-Ha Land? Ya know, Thanksgiving has come and gone and now we're experiencing BLACK FRIDAY and...well, I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on a couple of things and project forward into my match this Sunday at Slam. So here goes!
Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm very very thankful that I have a job here in the fantastically fun WCF. It's not something I take lightly and...well...when you're exercising you're own gravitational force-field, you wouldn't take ANYTHING lightly at all! Muhahaha..I just made a funny! Man, this turkey looks good. Stuffed it myself with burritos! Did an old take on a Happy tradition."
(As the light continues to sway back and forth, the camera closes in on Happy's face and we see several tears in his mask courtesy of Jeff Purse's Spoke Kick from the previous Sunday. The mask, on the left side of the face, begins to sag as we see what looks like a black mask perhaps?
underneath. Happy's laughter is muted a bit and we hear another voice, perhaps this one in the Feared Funnyman's head. Nonetheless, it becomes audible for us to hear...)"Black Friday. Fitting day for ME. So he's giving thanks, eh? Well, allow me to tell YOU what I'm UNTHANKFUL for. I'm UNTHANKFUL that you slathering idiots continue to take HIM lightly. It fuels something within him and that something within him is ME. Hi Jeff Purse. I was the one with the Circus Maul. I was the one missing your cranium by mere inches BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT AT THE TIME! Oh, and thanks to the Redhead DEADHEAD known as Sarah Twilight for making this match NON-TITLE. Wow. You're really fucking with his head and I gotta tell ya that I'm THISCLOSE to smiling...okay...moment's over."
"Secondly, I'm in a fatal four-way match. Most people wouldn't like four-ways. However, I've fought fun-on-one, I've done a three-way (in more ways than one!), and now I'm doing a four-way. And it's going to take three people to fight against the largest love handles the WCF has ever seen. Normally, I've got the mirth and the girth, but I think for this Sunday....and especially after I eat this turkey...I'm gonna have the gobble and the wobble. Oh, dare I even say that I'll have the killer peck and the turkey neck? I JUST DID!"
(Once more, Happy's face goes out of the light and we hear a dark voice again...)
"I'm not fighting just three people Sunday night Sarah. I'm fighting SOOOOO many more. And it's not just people either, is it? I get to fight perceptions, arrogance, misguided rage, and the list just goes on and on. And who knows exactly WHAT will happen at the end of the night? I know Jack is going to be very, very busy no doubt. But do you know what's going to be interesting for me? Chaos. Sheer, unadulterated chaos. You've created the canvas for me to paint a masterpiece of mayhem."
"Chino, it's been said that you're extreme. Neat-O! I can be extreme too! I like to eat extreme amounts of burritos. Hey, maybe I'll bring two and we can see who can eat one faster. Tell ya what. Let's really make it extreme. We'll cover our burritos in Ghost Pepper Sauce. Sound good? I really don't think you have a 'ghost' of a chance against me and, just like in our match, you're gonna get burned! I'm hardcore grown and Vaudeville's very own feared funnyman."
(The light leaves Jack again...)
"What the hell? Chino? I can't believe New Jersey put out ANOTHER piece of shore shit, "bro." Look, you're not getting any kind of glory out of this match so why don't you just put down your hairspray, hang up on Snooki and realize you're in a hopeless situation. No..wait...not THE Situation. A situation. Ya know what? Either way, you're in a very deep, dark hole and you're full of it. OH! WHOA!"
"Logan, how's it going buckaroo??? You're going to be a very tough adversary no doubt about it. In fact, rumor has it that you're one tough nut to crack. Or is that that two? Bwahahahahahaha. All joking aside...okay, I lied, I can't quit having fun at your expense! Would you like some turkey or are you the biggest turkey in this match? Well be prepared to get stuffed with boots, fists, and whatever other trimmings that the ring may provide. You might even get arrowed to the knee or even get initiated into the Slapaho tribe courtesy of these incredibly and bodaciously beefy hands that I alone possess."
(Tick tock. Right on time.)
"What are you doing in this match Logan? Seriously? What do you have to GAIN from this encounter? You clearly are the least interested participant in this match. It's as if this match would bore you. So why bother? Just..I dunno...take a hike. Go play rock 'em cock'em robots with Boudlebot. Or...ORRRR...maybe you and your son could tag team Sarah because her several-month long period (which has turned into more of an exclamation mark) surely has to be ending in the next couple of days. I hear she's a real firecracker. Why'd you flinch? I said FIREcracker, not NUTcracker. You two could impregnate her and she'd give birth to a can full of almond joys. Bleh. The humor here is almost as painful as watching you compete in the ring as of late. If you're not careful, you could end up in the hospital next to your friend 'Lilith'...the one with the hairy legs. And the five o'clock shadow. Still can't distinguish them eh? Real Harvard grad you are."
"Ooooh! Ryan Rhodes. Hey, Ryan, you have something shiny and gold around your waist, but why aren't you defending it? You know, my lovehandles have been lacking a certain 'bling' element to them as of late and it's kinda sad that for all your 'venom', you're all sliter and not bite...or is that spit? Well, it's comforting in knowing that you're not a spitter. Wait..umm..err....ahem.
Anyways, you should do the right thing and that is put your belt up on the line. That's what the fans would want to see. I know the delightfully deranged denziens known as The Happy-ites as well as The Slap Happys on the corner of 69th and 88th would derive great pleasure. I'm sure that even your Rhodes-ians....
?(Jack shrugs as he grabs his knife and fork and sizes up the turkey.)
....would be on the edge of their seats in excitement. Even though there would be other matches after ours, the one everyone would be talking about would be this one. Now I know that you're a nice guy and you might feel a little apprehensive when it comes to stealing, but it's not a crime to want to take the spotlight. In fact, that's what every superstar aspires to do: to be the center of attention. Course, when you're the massive, macho muchacho known as Mr. Happy, you're the front, center, AND back of attention. Attention is in permanent orbit (and not the Steve kind) around your's truly.
(The light bulb makes a sound as if the element is about to go out in it as the light leaves Happy once again...)
"Ryan Rhodes, you're just like Jeffery. It's as if you feel that you're above defending your title. Your opponents don't fit into your precious, little mold do they? And even Sarah is telling you that, isn't she? You're one pathetic follower. Honestly, I'd rather enjoy fighting the other two and inflicting my malice on them than I would waste my time with the likes of you. You're such a brickhead, you'll probably employ the tactic of beating my hands up with your face. Way to go chump.
From here on out, I'm calling you Jeff Jr. No? How about Little Jeffy? Or...ORRRR....Jeffy Lube? You pick one that you like and we'll just run with it okay? Tell you what. Why don't we redo a famous porno and it will star you and Logan. You know the one right? 'Saving Ryan's Privates?' Of course, this one doesn't have a happy ending. Instead, it's crushing defeat will resemble your's in the ring. Damn, that almost made me laugh. Kind of like your career."
"Man, I'm starving. I can't wait to dig in. It's kinda like Slam if you think about it. I've got a feast of fatal punchlines to deliver as well as upbeat beatdowns. And there's plenty for seconds and even thirds!!!!!! And I have you three buckaroos to give my thanks for the awesome meal of victory. You guys can bow your heads all you want, but we all know that you don't have a prayer of a chance and if you think otherwise....even for a fleeting moment, I want you to look deep down into your soul and ask yourselves....
Seriously??? You're joking, right?
(At that point, the light bulb makes a sound and goes out.)
"Sarah. Jeff. WCF. You see the world in black and white. Fitting for you all because things will get very black in the upcoming months, but there won't be a white light that you can run towards. BE UNHAPPY!"
(The light tries to flicker to life once more. When it does, we see The Happyshades fall down over Jack's face. What's noticeable, though, is that the left lens is spiderweb cracked. Jack casts his trademark scared flinch before the light goes out for the final time. Our scene fades out.)
