A Very Black, Black Friday
Nov 27, 2013 15:54:56 GMT -5
Logan, CD's Old Account, and 5 more like this
Post by Jonny Fly on Nov 27, 2013 15:54:56 GMT -5
It’s Friday, November 29th. I mean, not really, but just imagine it is. Thanksgiving has passed and many foods were eaten, drinks drank, and hopefully the Cowboys managed to not fuck up and lose to the Raiders. In the life of one Jonathan Fly, today is the day for shopping. Even though Fly is plenty wealthy, he’s a sucker for sales. To feed his desire to get really cool shit for discount prices, every store in the world has decided to open early, fuck over all of their staffs that would like to enjoy their Thanksgiving with family, and allow the Flyasaurus to skip down the halls of their store and fill his cart with a plethora of goods.
It’s at this point you might be wondering, hey, who is Fly shopping for? After all, Fly has very little friends. He has a social complex where instead of befriending people, he usually just shoots them in the face or some shit. It’s called being a badass, and it gets pretty lonely around the Holidays. Worse yet, two of Fly’s only friends in the world, Steve “Dirty Mouth”…Clean it up with” Orbit and Corey “I’m not actually…” Black (except for that one time when he actually was black) are shopping with Fly. Alright, now let’s recap; it’s Black Friday, and Fly is shopping with a black man and a man named Black buying gifts for probably nobody…maybe himself, or Sarah Twilight, but probably nobody.
Let’s scene it up, shall we?
Jonny Fly, Steve Orbit, and Corey Black have just entered Toys R’ Us. The first thing they see is nine million little kids and their parents running around touching shit. Oh, Orbit is wearing a purple hat with a feather in it. Why is that important? It’s important because some kid just ran up to him and is stepping all over his ‘more expensive than that kids life’ gators and jumping up on and down on his leg.
Black: Dude, you’re getting humped by a seven year old.
Kid: MOM! I WANT THAT HAT!
Apparently that kid wants Steve’s hat. What a little douche. He’s probably going to grow up to be Jonny Fly.
Orbit shakes the kid off his leg and grabs Fly and Black and pushes them forward.
Orbit: Yo, let’s book it before that little kid gets his ass whooped.
The three WCF superlegends continue down the main aisle of Toys R’ Us.
Black: So why did we come into here again?
Fly: I need to buy shit.
Orbit: Toys?
Fly: No, women.
Everyone stops. Mass confusion is present. Corey Black says the thing everyone is thinking.
Black: Did you really come to Toys R’ Us to get women?
Fly: To buy women, correct. Look around. It’s like a housewife hostel in here. I bet you I can get 60% of them to touch my penis in the next hour.
Orbit immediately sticks his hand out.
Orbit: Challenge accepted. Shake on it.
Fly: What? No, we’re not doing a bet.
Orbit: Then why am I here?
Black: Yeah, me too for that matter.
Fly: You guys are my wingmen!
There’s a collective groan from Orbit and Black. They don’t like that plan.
Black: I’m going to go play with the remote control helicopters.
Orbit: Yeah homie, I’ll be over by the video games hittin’ up the sticks.
Fly: You guys don’t want to see me in action?
Black and Orbit aren’t even around to respond. They’ve disappeared. Like, litereally disappeared. A search party has already been contacted and everything. In the meantime, Jonny Fly scopes out his lady friend. It’s a small petite blond woman. She looks to be in her early 30’s and she’s running around chasing her son who’s somehow managed to put on one of the store’s batman costumes.
Woman: Come back here and take off that costume!
Batman Kid: I’m the hero Toys R’ Us deserves!
Fly approaches and grabs the kid, corralling him, and walking him back to his mother.
Woman: Thank you so much!
Fly smiles and relinquishes the kid back to his mother. He sticks out his hand.
Fly: I’m Jonny Fly, the world’s greatest wrestler.
The woman bats her eyes as the scene dissolves away.
Five Minutes Later
We’ve caught up with Steve Orbit who is playing a 12 year old girl in NBA 2K14. Orbit’s playing as the Cleveland Cavaliers. He’s got the ball at the top of the key with Kyrie Irving. He fakes left, then cuts right, does a Euro Step and lays it in with a fancy finger roll.
Orbit: WHOOOOO!
Orbit turns and gets in the little girls face.
Orbit: IN YO FACE LITTLE GIRL. YOU CANT STOP ME! ALL DAY, BABY! ALL DAY!
The girl starts crying and runs away.
Orbit: Ya, that’s right. Go tell to your mom that you just got your ass whooped by the motherfuckin’ Mack.
Jonny Fly appears behind Orbit.
Fly: What was that all about?
Orbit turns to see Fly.
Orbit: Nothing. Just hanging out.
Fly: It sounds like you just got in a fight with a twelve year old.
Orbit: That little girl’s got an attitude problem, Fly. She’s lucky I didn’t beat her ass.
Fly: ….uh, right.
Orbit: So what’s up with you? You get those digits?
Fly: Check it…
Fly shows Orbit his hand which has the phone number of the woman he was previously talking to written in pen.
Fly: BOOM!
Orbit: One number? That’s it. You’re slippin’ Fly. I’d of had ten by now.
Fly: Yeah, whatever. Where’s Black?
All of a sudden a remote control helicopter crashes into Fly.
Fly: Hey, what the…
Fly looks to his left to see Corey Black standing there, laughing, and holding a remote control in his hand.
Fly: Fuck you, Black.
Black: What? I didn’t do anything. Oh look, a helicopter!
Black walks over to Fly and picks up the fallen helicopter from his feet. He sets it back upright and then using his remote control pad begins flying it around the store again.
Black: You know what this thing really needs? A camera underneath it. Then we could use it to scope out tits.
Orbit: That’s some shit right there.
Black: I know, right? I might have to buy one of these things.
Fly: So Orbit, did you see who we have to face this week? More importantly, did you see who we have to team with?
Orbit: Yeah, fuckin’ S-PAC again. I feel like we just had them.
Fly: We did. Well, just Atreyu and Gable, but still we faced them a month ago. The problem is, this time we have to team with that motherfucker Purse.
Orbit: Nothin’ wrong with Purse.
Black: Yeah, Purse is my boy. What’s the deal with you two?
Fly: The deal is that dude thinks I fuckin’ ruined Pantheon. He’s the one who went crazy trying to get me to fire Eric Price or screw him over. I knew he didn’t have any proof that Price ran him over with the car, but Purse wouldn’t be told he was wrong. I asked him to find proof, as a friend, and he couldn’t deliever. Then he started hanging out with Sarah Twilight, he fucked up his relationship with Kari in the process, and all to come to the realization that it was Twilight and not Price who tried to kill him. He drove a rift between the group. I told Purse time after time to stop his little crusade. He didn’t listen. He just thought I didn’t have his back anymore. Things spiraled from there.
Black: You two need to get over it. Pantheon couldn’t last forever. Good things never do.
Orbit: Purse may have been have been a little screwed up, but so were you Fly. Need I remind you of tryin’ to fire me?
Fly: I’ve said this before, I got wore down trying to do right by everyone. This company is full of a bunch of fuckin’ idiots. Seth siphoned money into his personal account from people’s paychecks and I come in and give everyone raises…and what do they do? They want Seth back. Mindless drones, every one of them.
Black: They didn’t trust you. Do you really blame them?
Fly: They were jealous. Not only had I beaten every one of them in the ring, I was now their boss. So they threw in their tampons and cried like little girls. Now look at what the company has become. Not that I really give a fuck, but let’s call it like it is – the WCF has become the personal playpen of Sarah Twilight. It’s where all of her deep-rooted power hungry dreams come to life. JEFF PURSE is part of the reason for that. He fed that monster, and he’s not taking any responsibility for it. I can stand here and say I don’t give a fuck about anyone else.
Orbit: Except me.
Fly: Except Orbit.
Black: Also, me.
Fly: Yeah, and Corey Black. Everyone else can go to hell. I’m not trying to be someone else. I’m not trying to act like I’m some fuckin’ hero. I’m in WCF for me, to add to my legacy. Purse is still living this fairy tale about being some righteous hero. Fuck him.
Black: Well, this got awkward.
Black’s expression suddenly changes to one of joy.
Fly: What is it?
Black: Nothing. I’m going to go stand in that line over there. See you dudes.
Black tosses aside his remote control and walks away in the direction of a line that’s nearly halfway through the store. Without him controlling it, his helicopter crashes into a little boy who was riding a bike causing the kid to fall off the bike and thus hurting his knee. What a little bitch.
Fly: What the hell was that all about?
Orbit: Maybe he didn’t like you talkin’ about his boy like that?
Fly: Whatever, I’m right about Purse. Even still, look at that line. I think the people in front have tents. Weird. I wonder what it’s for.
Orbit: Forget that homie, we have to talk about S-PAC. Purse is one thing, but those guys are legit. I ain’t tryin’ to lose to them though.
Fly: They suck.
Orbit: We need to strategize, Fly. They’re gonna bring it. I know them. We out there proclaimin’ ourselves to be the best in WCF so we need to act like it. We gotta beat those guys.
Fly: I figure I’ll just show up, do Jonny Fly stuff, and then you show up and do Steve Orbit stuff, and then we’ll be golden.
Orbit shakes his head ‘no.’
Orbit: Nah, Fly. We need to do this old school. We need to get in their heads, you know what I’m sayin’? We need to soften them up before the match. That way even if Purse don’t help us much, we still gotta chance.
Fly: Ideas?
Orbit: Yeah.
Dramatic pause.
Orbit: Let’s get them Christmas gifts.
Fly: What the…
Orbit: Don’t fight it. Just trust me on this, bro. We’ll get them some gifts and get their guard down.
Fly: I’m not sure…
Orbit: Look at this Fly…
Orbit reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a Flutterbye Flying Fairy Doll.
Orbit: You tellin’ me they not going to find this cute?
Fly: …
Awkward pause.
Fly: I mean, no. That thing is awesome. Let’s get six of them.
A shopping cart magically appears in front of Steve Orbit with six Flying Fairy Dolls already inside.
Orbit: Way ahead of you.
Fly: Uh…when did…nevermind. Let’s keep shopping.
Orbit and Fly leave the video game section and walk toward the bikes and scooters and shit. The hurt kid from earlier is being tended to by his mother on the ground. Fly confidently walks up to her and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card, handing it to her.
Fly: Excuse my interruption. I’m Jonny Fly. The world’s greatest wrestler. Call me sometime.
Fly pats the hurt kid on the head and walks back toward Orbit who’s now inspecting the razor scooters.
Orbit: Worst pickup move of all time.
Fly: She’ll call. Anyway, what are you looking at?
Orbit: Scooters.
Fly: How does that make sense?
Orbit: I don’t know. The wheels light up. Shit is dope.
Fly: Fuck it, let’s get it.
Fly grabs a scooter and puts in the cart. They move on to the next section of the store which has bigger toys, like powerwheels, little go-karts, and some backyard playhouses. One in particular catches Orbit and Fly’s eye. It looks like a log cabin, but also has a slide and an attached swingset. At the same time, Orbit and Fly exclaim excitedly…
Fly & Orbit: S-PAC CLUBHOUSE!
Fly immediately finds the ‘press this button for assistance’ thing and rings it 23 times.
Fly: WHERE ARE THEY!? I need assistance.
Orbit: Fly, my man, these dues are going to love this. Especially Waylon, the log cabin theme is right up his alley.
Fly: I know, it’s going to be great. Now, where is that…
The Toys R’ Us dude has just showed up.
Store Worker: How can I help you?
Fly: Yes, do you think that log cabin playhouse is big enough to fit four grown men?
Store Worker: Uh…no.
Fly: Fuck it, we’ll take it anyway. Can you have it brought out front for when we check out?
Store Worker: Sure thing. That’s not problem at all. It’ll be waiting for you.
Orbit and Fly move on to another section. They’re inspecting some action figures and such when they spot Corey Black, still in line, out of the corner of their eye. He doesn’t look he’s moved at all.
Fly: He still looks happy, but that line isn’t moving.
Orbit: Weird. Let’s go see what he’s doin’.
Orbit and Fly abandon their search for gifts for S-PAC and walk toward Black. In a way too high-pitched and excited voice, Black greets them.
Black: Hey guys!
Fly: What are you doing?
Black: Just waiting in line.
Orbit: For what?
Black: The greatest thing ever.
Fly: Hookers?
Orbit: Bright colored suits? Havana Ginger?
Fly: SAME THING STEVE.
Orbit: Hey!
Black: No, it’s not that.
Fly: Then what?
Black: I can’t tell you. What are you guys up to?
Orbit: We’re hookin’ S-PAC up with some Christmas gifts.
Black: You should get them a clubhouse.
Fly: We already did. It’s a log cabin. It’s awesome.
Black: Does it have swings?
Orbit: Of course.
Black: You’re right, it is awesome. Good work guys. Now if you would excuse me, I need to focus. Motherfuckers have been trying to cut in front of me and I’ve been Burning Hammering them like they’re Doc Henry.
A quick look to the right of the line confirms the previous comment. There’s a pile of men, women, and children who’ve been Burning Hammer’d.
Fly: Alright, well have fun doing…whatever it is you’re doing.
Black: Don’t be jealous, Fly. It doesn’t suit you.
Orbit: Speaking of suits, let’s go over to the costumes Fly. I have some ideas for more gifts.
Orbit and Fly leave Black and go over to the costume section. Does Toys R’ Us have an actual costume section? Hell, I don’t know, use your imagination. As the two roll up on the costumes, Orbit immediately makes a b-line for one item in particular. It’s a cowboy hat. He throws it in the cart.
Orbit: Aight, got Waylon’s costume. We need one for Atreyu and Gable.
Fly: I got one.
Fly walks down the aisle a bit and then pulls off a giant turkey costume for Gable.
Fly: Is this perfect, or what?
Orbit: Nice. Alright, idea for Atreyu?
Fly: Uh…
Orbit is sifting through the racks and pulls out a firefighter outfit with a giant hose sticking out of the crotchal region. Orbit starts to laugh.
Orbit: Yo, Fly. Check this out.
Orbit holds it up for Fly to see.
Fly: How does that make sense?
Orbit: I dunno. It’s a cool costume though.
Fly: Fuck it, I don’t have any other ideas for Atreyu. Throw it in the cart.
…and so it is. Orbit and Fly continue around the store looking for gifts for their new favorite trio of wrestlers. They grab some stuffed animals, some My Little Pony shit, a trampoline, some board games, and some walkie talkies for when they’re not all together in their clubhouse. After the shopping is completed, and the items paid for, they circle back around to Corey Black…still in his line…still not having moved…and still looking happier than ever.
Fly: What the hell man, how are you not pissed off right now?
Black: Why would I be pissed off?
Fly: You’ve been standing in the same place for an hour. I can’t even have sex with the same bitch for an hour before I want to go find something…or someone…else to do.
Orbit: Yeah Black, this shit is crazy. Why ain’t you tellin’ us what you waiting for?
Black: If you two want to find out what it is then you better go to the back of the line. Don’t make me burning hammer you.
A quick look to the right, and yep, the burning hammer pile has grown considerably.
Fly: Whatever. We’re ready to go.
Black: Then go.
Fly: You’re not coming with?
Black: I’m not leaving this line, Fly.
Fly: But I drove.
Black: I’ll just have Kate Winslet come pick me up. Don’t worry about it.
Sighs all around.
Fly: Alright man, later.
Orbit and Fly issue their goodbyes to Black and begin walking toward the exit.
Orbit: This ended up being a productive trip. S-PAC is gonna love their gifts.
Fly: Yeah, maybe the five of us can team up and beat the fuck out of Purse?
Orbit: That’s cold, homie.
Fly: I don’t care either way. I’ve faced Cash, Atreyu, and Gable several times in all kinds of different matches over the last couple of years. I know them, they know me. There’s really not much to say. We can fight it out on Sunday, no sweat to me. Or, they could do me a solid and take Purse out. That’d be nice. I’m ready to face them though. I won’t sabotage our team to take Purse out, I can promise you that. I’m not going to go out of my way to save his skin, though. I think he deserves a beat down more than S-PAC does…but whatever. We’ll see what happens.
Fly and Orbit reach the front of the store. Fly points up to a banner hanging above the entrance and exit doors. Fly sighs dejectedly. Orbit begins to laugh.
Fly: It’s not funny.
Orbit: Nah, Fly, it’s pretty funny. You want to go back?
Fly turns and looks back toward the long line. Corey Black catches his eye and winks at him. Fly turns back around.
Fly: No, fuck it.
With that, Fly and Orbit precede through the exit doors. As they walk outside the camera pans upward where a large banner has been placed that reads “FREE COFFEE CAKES – FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29th!”
….and that’s all folks.
It’s at this point you might be wondering, hey, who is Fly shopping for? After all, Fly has very little friends. He has a social complex where instead of befriending people, he usually just shoots them in the face or some shit. It’s called being a badass, and it gets pretty lonely around the Holidays. Worse yet, two of Fly’s only friends in the world, Steve “Dirty Mouth”…Clean it up with” Orbit and Corey “I’m not actually…” Black (except for that one time when he actually was black) are shopping with Fly. Alright, now let’s recap; it’s Black Friday, and Fly is shopping with a black man and a man named Black buying gifts for probably nobody…maybe himself, or Sarah Twilight, but probably nobody.
Let’s scene it up, shall we?
Jonny Fly, Steve Orbit, and Corey Black have just entered Toys R’ Us. The first thing they see is nine million little kids and their parents running around touching shit. Oh, Orbit is wearing a purple hat with a feather in it. Why is that important? It’s important because some kid just ran up to him and is stepping all over his ‘more expensive than that kids life’ gators and jumping up on and down on his leg.
Black: Dude, you’re getting humped by a seven year old.
Kid: MOM! I WANT THAT HAT!
Apparently that kid wants Steve’s hat. What a little douche. He’s probably going to grow up to be Jonny Fly.
Orbit shakes the kid off his leg and grabs Fly and Black and pushes them forward.
Orbit: Yo, let’s book it before that little kid gets his ass whooped.
The three WCF superlegends continue down the main aisle of Toys R’ Us.
Black: So why did we come into here again?
Fly: I need to buy shit.
Orbit: Toys?
Fly: No, women.
Everyone stops. Mass confusion is present. Corey Black says the thing everyone is thinking.
Black: Did you really come to Toys R’ Us to get women?
Fly: To buy women, correct. Look around. It’s like a housewife hostel in here. I bet you I can get 60% of them to touch my penis in the next hour.
Orbit immediately sticks his hand out.
Orbit: Challenge accepted. Shake on it.
Fly: What? No, we’re not doing a bet.
Orbit: Then why am I here?
Black: Yeah, me too for that matter.
Fly: You guys are my wingmen!
There’s a collective groan from Orbit and Black. They don’t like that plan.
Black: I’m going to go play with the remote control helicopters.
Orbit: Yeah homie, I’ll be over by the video games hittin’ up the sticks.
Fly: You guys don’t want to see me in action?
Black and Orbit aren’t even around to respond. They’ve disappeared. Like, litereally disappeared. A search party has already been contacted and everything. In the meantime, Jonny Fly scopes out his lady friend. It’s a small petite blond woman. She looks to be in her early 30’s and she’s running around chasing her son who’s somehow managed to put on one of the store’s batman costumes.
Woman: Come back here and take off that costume!
Batman Kid: I’m the hero Toys R’ Us deserves!
Fly approaches and grabs the kid, corralling him, and walking him back to his mother.
Woman: Thank you so much!
Fly smiles and relinquishes the kid back to his mother. He sticks out his hand.
Fly: I’m Jonny Fly, the world’s greatest wrestler.
The woman bats her eyes as the scene dissolves away.
Five Minutes Later
We’ve caught up with Steve Orbit who is playing a 12 year old girl in NBA 2K14. Orbit’s playing as the Cleveland Cavaliers. He’s got the ball at the top of the key with Kyrie Irving. He fakes left, then cuts right, does a Euro Step and lays it in with a fancy finger roll.
Orbit: WHOOOOO!
Orbit turns and gets in the little girls face.
Orbit: IN YO FACE LITTLE GIRL. YOU CANT STOP ME! ALL DAY, BABY! ALL DAY!
The girl starts crying and runs away.
Orbit: Ya, that’s right. Go tell to your mom that you just got your ass whooped by the motherfuckin’ Mack.
Jonny Fly appears behind Orbit.
Fly: What was that all about?
Orbit turns to see Fly.
Orbit: Nothing. Just hanging out.
Fly: It sounds like you just got in a fight with a twelve year old.
Orbit: That little girl’s got an attitude problem, Fly. She’s lucky I didn’t beat her ass.
Fly: ….uh, right.
Orbit: So what’s up with you? You get those digits?
Fly: Check it…
Fly shows Orbit his hand which has the phone number of the woman he was previously talking to written in pen.
Fly: BOOM!
Orbit: One number? That’s it. You’re slippin’ Fly. I’d of had ten by now.
Fly: Yeah, whatever. Where’s Black?
All of a sudden a remote control helicopter crashes into Fly.
Fly: Hey, what the…
Fly looks to his left to see Corey Black standing there, laughing, and holding a remote control in his hand.
Fly: Fuck you, Black.
Black: What? I didn’t do anything. Oh look, a helicopter!
Black walks over to Fly and picks up the fallen helicopter from his feet. He sets it back upright and then using his remote control pad begins flying it around the store again.
Black: You know what this thing really needs? A camera underneath it. Then we could use it to scope out tits.
Orbit: That’s some shit right there.
Black: I know, right? I might have to buy one of these things.
Fly: So Orbit, did you see who we have to face this week? More importantly, did you see who we have to team with?
Orbit: Yeah, fuckin’ S-PAC again. I feel like we just had them.
Fly: We did. Well, just Atreyu and Gable, but still we faced them a month ago. The problem is, this time we have to team with that motherfucker Purse.
Orbit: Nothin’ wrong with Purse.
Black: Yeah, Purse is my boy. What’s the deal with you two?
Fly: The deal is that dude thinks I fuckin’ ruined Pantheon. He’s the one who went crazy trying to get me to fire Eric Price or screw him over. I knew he didn’t have any proof that Price ran him over with the car, but Purse wouldn’t be told he was wrong. I asked him to find proof, as a friend, and he couldn’t deliever. Then he started hanging out with Sarah Twilight, he fucked up his relationship with Kari in the process, and all to come to the realization that it was Twilight and not Price who tried to kill him. He drove a rift between the group. I told Purse time after time to stop his little crusade. He didn’t listen. He just thought I didn’t have his back anymore. Things spiraled from there.
Black: You two need to get over it. Pantheon couldn’t last forever. Good things never do.
Orbit: Purse may have been have been a little screwed up, but so were you Fly. Need I remind you of tryin’ to fire me?
Fly: I’ve said this before, I got wore down trying to do right by everyone. This company is full of a bunch of fuckin’ idiots. Seth siphoned money into his personal account from people’s paychecks and I come in and give everyone raises…and what do they do? They want Seth back. Mindless drones, every one of them.
Black: They didn’t trust you. Do you really blame them?
Fly: They were jealous. Not only had I beaten every one of them in the ring, I was now their boss. So they threw in their tampons and cried like little girls. Now look at what the company has become. Not that I really give a fuck, but let’s call it like it is – the WCF has become the personal playpen of Sarah Twilight. It’s where all of her deep-rooted power hungry dreams come to life. JEFF PURSE is part of the reason for that. He fed that monster, and he’s not taking any responsibility for it. I can stand here and say I don’t give a fuck about anyone else.
Orbit: Except me.
Fly: Except Orbit.
Black: Also, me.
Fly: Yeah, and Corey Black. Everyone else can go to hell. I’m not trying to be someone else. I’m not trying to act like I’m some fuckin’ hero. I’m in WCF for me, to add to my legacy. Purse is still living this fairy tale about being some righteous hero. Fuck him.
Black: Well, this got awkward.
Black’s expression suddenly changes to one of joy.
Fly: What is it?
Black: Nothing. I’m going to go stand in that line over there. See you dudes.
Black tosses aside his remote control and walks away in the direction of a line that’s nearly halfway through the store. Without him controlling it, his helicopter crashes into a little boy who was riding a bike causing the kid to fall off the bike and thus hurting his knee. What a little bitch.
Fly: What the hell was that all about?
Orbit: Maybe he didn’t like you talkin’ about his boy like that?
Fly: Whatever, I’m right about Purse. Even still, look at that line. I think the people in front have tents. Weird. I wonder what it’s for.
Orbit: Forget that homie, we have to talk about S-PAC. Purse is one thing, but those guys are legit. I ain’t tryin’ to lose to them though.
Fly: They suck.
Orbit: We need to strategize, Fly. They’re gonna bring it. I know them. We out there proclaimin’ ourselves to be the best in WCF so we need to act like it. We gotta beat those guys.
Fly: I figure I’ll just show up, do Jonny Fly stuff, and then you show up and do Steve Orbit stuff, and then we’ll be golden.
Orbit shakes his head ‘no.’
Orbit: Nah, Fly. We need to do this old school. We need to get in their heads, you know what I’m sayin’? We need to soften them up before the match. That way even if Purse don’t help us much, we still gotta chance.
Fly: Ideas?
Orbit: Yeah.
Dramatic pause.
Orbit: Let’s get them Christmas gifts.
Fly: What the…
Orbit: Don’t fight it. Just trust me on this, bro. We’ll get them some gifts and get their guard down.
Fly: I’m not sure…
Orbit: Look at this Fly…
Orbit reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a Flutterbye Flying Fairy Doll.
Orbit: You tellin’ me they not going to find this cute?
Fly: …
Awkward pause.
Fly: I mean, no. That thing is awesome. Let’s get six of them.
A shopping cart magically appears in front of Steve Orbit with six Flying Fairy Dolls already inside.
Orbit: Way ahead of you.
Fly: Uh…when did…nevermind. Let’s keep shopping.
Orbit and Fly leave the video game section and walk toward the bikes and scooters and shit. The hurt kid from earlier is being tended to by his mother on the ground. Fly confidently walks up to her and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card, handing it to her.
Fly: Excuse my interruption. I’m Jonny Fly. The world’s greatest wrestler. Call me sometime.
Fly pats the hurt kid on the head and walks back toward Orbit who’s now inspecting the razor scooters.
Orbit: Worst pickup move of all time.
Fly: She’ll call. Anyway, what are you looking at?
Orbit: Scooters.
Fly: How does that make sense?
Orbit: I don’t know. The wheels light up. Shit is dope.
Fly: Fuck it, let’s get it.
Fly grabs a scooter and puts in the cart. They move on to the next section of the store which has bigger toys, like powerwheels, little go-karts, and some backyard playhouses. One in particular catches Orbit and Fly’s eye. It looks like a log cabin, but also has a slide and an attached swingset. At the same time, Orbit and Fly exclaim excitedly…
Fly & Orbit: S-PAC CLUBHOUSE!
Fly immediately finds the ‘press this button for assistance’ thing and rings it 23 times.
Fly: WHERE ARE THEY!? I need assistance.
Orbit: Fly, my man, these dues are going to love this. Especially Waylon, the log cabin theme is right up his alley.
Fly: I know, it’s going to be great. Now, where is that…
The Toys R’ Us dude has just showed up.
Store Worker: How can I help you?
Fly: Yes, do you think that log cabin playhouse is big enough to fit four grown men?
Store Worker: Uh…no.
Fly: Fuck it, we’ll take it anyway. Can you have it brought out front for when we check out?
Store Worker: Sure thing. That’s not problem at all. It’ll be waiting for you.
Orbit and Fly move on to another section. They’re inspecting some action figures and such when they spot Corey Black, still in line, out of the corner of their eye. He doesn’t look he’s moved at all.
Fly: He still looks happy, but that line isn’t moving.
Orbit: Weird. Let’s go see what he’s doin’.
Orbit and Fly abandon their search for gifts for S-PAC and walk toward Black. In a way too high-pitched and excited voice, Black greets them.
Black: Hey guys!
Fly: What are you doing?
Black: Just waiting in line.
Orbit: For what?
Black: The greatest thing ever.
Fly: Hookers?
Orbit: Bright colored suits? Havana Ginger?
Fly: SAME THING STEVE.
Orbit: Hey!
Black: No, it’s not that.
Fly: Then what?
Black: I can’t tell you. What are you guys up to?
Orbit: We’re hookin’ S-PAC up with some Christmas gifts.
Black: You should get them a clubhouse.
Fly: We already did. It’s a log cabin. It’s awesome.
Black: Does it have swings?
Orbit: Of course.
Black: You’re right, it is awesome. Good work guys. Now if you would excuse me, I need to focus. Motherfuckers have been trying to cut in front of me and I’ve been Burning Hammering them like they’re Doc Henry.
A quick look to the right of the line confirms the previous comment. There’s a pile of men, women, and children who’ve been Burning Hammer’d.
Fly: Alright, well have fun doing…whatever it is you’re doing.
Black: Don’t be jealous, Fly. It doesn’t suit you.
Orbit: Speaking of suits, let’s go over to the costumes Fly. I have some ideas for more gifts.
Orbit and Fly leave Black and go over to the costume section. Does Toys R’ Us have an actual costume section? Hell, I don’t know, use your imagination. As the two roll up on the costumes, Orbit immediately makes a b-line for one item in particular. It’s a cowboy hat. He throws it in the cart.
Orbit: Aight, got Waylon’s costume. We need one for Atreyu and Gable.
Fly: I got one.
Fly walks down the aisle a bit and then pulls off a giant turkey costume for Gable.
Fly: Is this perfect, or what?
Orbit: Nice. Alright, idea for Atreyu?
Fly: Uh…
Orbit is sifting through the racks and pulls out a firefighter outfit with a giant hose sticking out of the crotchal region. Orbit starts to laugh.
Orbit: Yo, Fly. Check this out.
Orbit holds it up for Fly to see.
Fly: How does that make sense?
Orbit: I dunno. It’s a cool costume though.
Fly: Fuck it, I don’t have any other ideas for Atreyu. Throw it in the cart.
…and so it is. Orbit and Fly continue around the store looking for gifts for their new favorite trio of wrestlers. They grab some stuffed animals, some My Little Pony shit, a trampoline, some board games, and some walkie talkies for when they’re not all together in their clubhouse. After the shopping is completed, and the items paid for, they circle back around to Corey Black…still in his line…still not having moved…and still looking happier than ever.
Fly: What the hell man, how are you not pissed off right now?
Black: Why would I be pissed off?
Fly: You’ve been standing in the same place for an hour. I can’t even have sex with the same bitch for an hour before I want to go find something…or someone…else to do.
Orbit: Yeah Black, this shit is crazy. Why ain’t you tellin’ us what you waiting for?
Black: If you two want to find out what it is then you better go to the back of the line. Don’t make me burning hammer you.
A quick look to the right, and yep, the burning hammer pile has grown considerably.
Fly: Whatever. We’re ready to go.
Black: Then go.
Fly: You’re not coming with?
Black: I’m not leaving this line, Fly.
Fly: But I drove.
Black: I’ll just have Kate Winslet come pick me up. Don’t worry about it.
Sighs all around.
Fly: Alright man, later.
Orbit and Fly issue their goodbyes to Black and begin walking toward the exit.
Orbit: This ended up being a productive trip. S-PAC is gonna love their gifts.
Fly: Yeah, maybe the five of us can team up and beat the fuck out of Purse?
Orbit: That’s cold, homie.
Fly: I don’t care either way. I’ve faced Cash, Atreyu, and Gable several times in all kinds of different matches over the last couple of years. I know them, they know me. There’s really not much to say. We can fight it out on Sunday, no sweat to me. Or, they could do me a solid and take Purse out. That’d be nice. I’m ready to face them though. I won’t sabotage our team to take Purse out, I can promise you that. I’m not going to go out of my way to save his skin, though. I think he deserves a beat down more than S-PAC does…but whatever. We’ll see what happens.
Fly and Orbit reach the front of the store. Fly points up to a banner hanging above the entrance and exit doors. Fly sighs dejectedly. Orbit begins to laugh.
Fly: It’s not funny.
Orbit: Nah, Fly, it’s pretty funny. You want to go back?
Fly turns and looks back toward the long line. Corey Black catches his eye and winks at him. Fly turns back around.
Fly: No, fuck it.
With that, Fly and Orbit precede through the exit doors. As they walk outside the camera pans upward where a large banner has been placed that reads “FREE COFFEE CAKES – FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29th!”
….and that’s all folks.
