Post by Jonny Fly on Nov 17, 2013 15:36:15 GMT -5
The scene begins inside Jonny Fly’s Jaguar XK, parked in front of WCF Headquarters in Reading, Pennsylvania. Our camera is positioned in the backseat and in front of us Fly sits in the driver’s seat and his associate Tom Salemone sits in the passenger’s seat. Our camera frame is centered on the vehicle’s rear-view mirror where the image of a black SUV is present, parked approximately 50 yards behind the car. A soft buzzing sound is heard, and Fly reaches into his pocket to bring out his phone.
Fly: Hello?
Faintly, we can distinguish the voice of Steve Orbit on the other end of the phone.
Orbit: Yo, what’s going on? You in town?
Fly: Na bro, I’m in Reading. Twilight asked me to come out here and meet with her promotions people to help sell my match this week. I guess last week they found out that Seifer Black Armstrong and Stacy Robinson aren’t capable of drawing viewers, and with my insistence on facing Seifer again she’s worried about the ratings for this week’s Main Event.
Orbit: Yeah homie, the people don’t like squashes. Fly/Orbit versus Armstrong/Robinson was the mismatch of the fuckin’ year. It aint gonna be much different this week. I wouldn’t tune in to watch that shit either.
Fly: So what’s up with you? You in New York?
Orbit: Yeah, and check this shit out, I’ve been bein’ followed by this sketchy looking van all day.
The comment draws the attention of Tom, who quickly looks over at Fly. Fly looks in his rearview mirror and looks at the SUV suspiciously parked behind him.
Fly: They’re just making their presence known. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s when you don’t see them that you should be worried.
Orbit: I get it man, I do. But how do they know about me? I’ve been layin’ low.
Fly pauses momentarily.
Fly: Good question. I don’t know. They have televisions though, they must have just realized we were hanging out at shows and decided to follow you in case they stumble upon some information to use against me. Are you using a clean phone?
Orbit: Of course. I know how the game is played, dawg. Don’t worry about that.
Fly: Alright good. Let me know if anything else comes up. I’ve got to head inside and get this shit knocked out, then I’ll be heading back to the city.
Orbit: Aight man. Talk to you later.
Fly hangs up the phone and looks over to Tom. He motions toward his rear-view mirror.
Fly: Feds are on us and Orbit at the same time.
Tom: They’re turning up the heat. They’re probably monitoring everyone that you come into contact with. We’ve got to do something about this. I know I’ve been saying…
Fly holds up his hand.
Fly: I’ve got it under control. I promise. Have I ever let anyone down?
Tom looks less than please, but still responds…
Tom: No.
Fly nods and pulls the handle of his door and opens it.
Fly: I’ll be back in a bit.
Fly exits the car and begins to walk across the lawn toward the entrance into the WCF administrative offices. He reaches the front door and the scene transforms to inside the headquarters. The front entrance leads into a reception area. Off to the side a secretary sits at her desk. The woman filling the post once served by Seth Lerch himself during Jonny Fly’s stint as WCF owner is a small, cute, and young brunette woman. She’s not paying much attention to the door, and instead is busy working away at her computer.
Fly walks inside the building and pauses to look around. This is his first time in the WCF headquarters since he sold the company. WCF memorabilia and pictures of Sarah Twilight are plastered everywhere over the lime green and black trimmed walls. A flat screen monitor in the reception’s seating area shows what appears to be a video of Twilight’s greatest matches. Fly smirks at the sights and then turns to the secretary who finally looks up from her computer.
Secretary: Oh! Hello Mr. Fly.
Fly: Yeah, apparently I’m supposed to meet with some people here today. Would you mind directing me where I need to go?
Secretary: Yes. You are in the conference room. Room 103.
Fly: Great, thank you.
Fly begins to turn away, but stops himself. He looks back toward the secretary.
Fly: Don’t take this the wrong way, but how did you get hired here?
Secretary: I don’t understand.
Fly: Well…you’re good looking. Sarah Twilight isn’t the type to hire attractive women as her secretary.
Secretary: I’m very well qualified. I’ve been doing this for over five years with several big companies. I imagine I was just the best candidate.
Fly looks confused.
Fly: Weird. Well alright, good talking to you.
Fly leaves and walks to the back of the reception area where he comes to a ‘T.’ There’s a hallway that stretches to the left and right. Fly looks to the left and sees the room number he’s looking for. He walks to the left and opens the first door on the right. Our scene now transforms into a conference room. There are three men in the room sitting a medium-sized rectangular table. Upon seeing Fly enter, they each stand up to greet him.
The first man that approaches is Greg Windemuth, the WCF’s Marketing and Promotions Director. Greg is shorter in stature to the other two men in the room and considerably more round. He shakes Fly’s hand vigorously.
Windemuth: Jonny Fly! Thank you so much for coming.
Fly nods and turns to another man, Andy Chester, the WCF Television Programming Director. Fly shakes hands with Chester, who is nearly as tall as Fly but also fairly lanky.
Chester: Mr. Fly, it’s a pleasure to see you again.
The last man in the room is known the world-over as WCF’s Mr. Everything, Hank Brown. Hank and Fly exchange a long handshake as Fly slaps him on the back.
Fly: Hank Brown. It’s been a long-time my friend, how are you?
Brown: I’m good. Really good. Please, have a seat. We’re all excited to get this started. You know how…uh…demanding Sarah can be. She really wants us to get this out as soon as possible.
Fly laughs a bit and nods his head.
Fly: Her head is in the right place. She knows Seifer Black Armstrong couldn’t sell a match if his wife promised to stand on the apron naked the entire time.
The comment gains an approving laugh from the men in the room. Fly takes a seat at the head of the table, flanked on the right by Hank Brown and the left by Greg Windemuth. Andy Chester takes the seat next to Brown. Fly looks at the table with a blank expression on his face.
Windemuth: Is something wrong?
Fly: It’s just…
He sighs.
Fly: …it’s kind of my thing to have coffee cakes at all meetings. It wasn’t that long ago you all worked for me, how come nobody remembered that rule?
Blank stares all the way around.
Hank: Uh, yeah, sorry about that Jonny. It slipped our minds.
Fly: I was looking forward to that. Anyway, I know I’m here to help with publicity of this match. What do you guys need from me?
Windemuth: Ratings for Slam last week were down considerably, and right now things aren’t looking good this week either. After the Tag Team titles match, we’re expecting three straight fairly one-sided matches.
Fly: Good point. My match certainly will be. Orbit’s match will be as well. Then there’s the expected Dan DiStoner beatdown of Eric Price. I can see the cause for concern.
The three men in the room look a little confused at the analysis of the Eric Price versus Dan DiStoner. Still, Greg Windemuth continues.
Windemuth: We need to find a way to sell your match as ‘must see’ and bridge the gap between the Tag Team Titles match and your own match. People are far more likely to watch the Price and Orbit matches if they’re flanked by matches the people do want to see. The key is to get them to watch the Main Event.
Fly: I understand where you guys are at, and I do want to help. That’s why I agreed to come. However, I have to be honest, there’s not much to sell here. Personally, I’m not thrilled with the notion of carrying Seifer Black Armstrong through another Main Event in the first place. He doesn’t belong in one. Don’t get me wrong, I did ask for this match, but only to prove a point. I don’t expect a good match. It’s going to be the type that makes the viewer’s really question the way we’re even booking these shows.
Chester: I’ll chime in on that. Nobody in this room controls booking. Considering Sarah’s history, I’m sure she wants to see Robinson and Armstrong embarrassed on the biggest stage possible and THEN fired. It’s a double-whammy for her. I think with you and Orbit as their opponents, that’s going to happen. Our job is to simply make sure people watch it. If you wanted this match to prove a point, you want as big of an audience as possible as well. What we’d like to do with you today is film a series of short promos for this match that we’ll air on WCF television over the course of the week to build hype for the match.
Brown: That’s right. We have some ideas as far as content. We’d like to go ahead and film all of them and then decide which ones are the best to air afterward. We really want to saturate WCF television over the next few days with multiple promotions of the match.
Fly: That sounds like a plan to me. Where do we film?
Brown: Right down the hall, actually.
Brown holds up a folder that’s on the table in front of him.
Brown: Here are the ideas we came up with. There’s about five of them, so I hope you have some time.
Fly: Absolutely. Let’s get started.
The four men at the table get up and lead Fly out of the room. Back in the hallway they head to the left and go all the way to the end of the hallway. There’s an open doorway that leads into a studio. A stage is set up on the far right hand side of the room and a WCF backdrop has been placed behind it. Facing the stage and screen are a few cameras with cameraman milling around waiting to begin. Hank Brown points Fly toward the stage.
Brown: We’re not asking you to do anything fancy. Just stand on the stage and speak directly to the audience. It’ll be more authentic that way.
Fly: Okay. So just stand on the stage and look into the camera?
Brown: Exactly.
Fly: Alright then.
Fly moves toward the stage and positions himself in the center facing the cameras. Hank Brown takes a spot next to the center cameraman and opens up his folder. Greg Windemuth and Andy Chester look on from the back of the room.
Brown: Alright Jonny, are you ready to go?
Fly: Let’s do it.
Brown: I’m going to give you our concept and then I want you to let your instinct take over. Get yourself in the right mindset and then knowing what we’re looking for say whatever you’d like to promote the match.
Fly: That’s easy enough.
Brown: The first one is going to be you speaking directly to Seifer Black Armstrong Say whatever you’d like to him in thirty seconds. Are you ready?
Fly: Yep. No problem.
Brown: Alright, ROLL CAMERA!
The cameras click on and zoom in on Fly’s face. Fly pauses just briefly to exchange an intimidating stare into the camera lens, before beginning.
Fly: Wouldn’t you know it, Seifer Black Armstrong got his wish. He’s talked himself into a match against me. I’m not just the WCF World Champion, but perhaps the greatest wrestler of my generation. To all of you at home, please know that Seifer Black Armstrong doesn't deserve to be anywhere near the ring with me. He's a terrible wrestler. He has zero qualities that separate him from the dozens of other wrestlers on this roster who would KILL for the chance to prove themselves against me...
Brown: CUT!
The cameras click off. Fly looks confused.
Fly: What?
Brown: Jonny, we’re trying to sell the match, remember? I know you don’t like the guy and you think the match is going to be a walk, but that’s not how we get viewers. Can’t you find a way to say what you want to say and sell the match at the same time?
Fly: I suppose. Hey, what if we did something with me speaking in third person?
Brown: What’s that going to change?
Fly: Let’s just give it a shot. I think you’ll like it.
Brown: Alright, we’re flexible. Let’s see what you got. On your count.
Fly: One, two, three…roll it.
The camera click back on.
Fly: Hello WCF fans! I’m Matthew Robinson. You probably know me because I’m super creative, as evidenced by my killer putdowns last week about Sarah Twilight assfucking Jonny Fly. That was so great I repeated it over and over and over and over, like any creative person would do. Not to be done by...well...myself, this week I’ve been running around saying ‘The Punisher is going to punish.’ Because you know, that phrase is super awesome. Anyway, let me tell you about my best friend forever Seifer Black Armstrong. He’s like, an incredible wrestler. He’s totally better than Jonny Fly. Seifer Black Armstrong is so damn cool that he could give the sun a brain-freeze…
Brown: CUT!
Fly: Oh come on! What was wrong with that one?
Brown: I thought you said you were going to talk in third person?
Fly: I was. That third person was Matthew Robinson.
Brown: No disrespect Jonny, but I think you need to look up the definition of ‘talking in third person.’
Fly: Oh whatever, Hank. Matthew Robinson always comes to Seifer’s defense like the two are married or some shit. Therefore, me doing a promo about this match AS Matthew Robinson would pretty fuckin’ ironic.
Brown: I think you also need to look up the definition of ironic.
Fly: Stop being a bitch, Hank. That promo was money.
Brown: Look, let’s just stay on task here. Next up is a tale of the tape promo. We’re looking for you to give the audience the facts of the match.
Fly: That’s easy enough. Roll it.
The cameras begin rolling.
Fly: WCF universe you guys want some facts? Here’s a fact; last week Seifer Black Armstrong made the dumbest of rookie mistakes. He dreamed. He looked at the card, pulled down his pants, and dropped a load right at the mere thought of scoring a victory over yours truly. Then, as I told him he would, he lost. Embarrassed, what did Seifer do? He doubled down. He made a one on one challenge to the greatest wrestler he will EVER encounter…me…the WCF World Champion…Jonny motherfuckin’ Fly. Worse yet for that poor man, I accepted that challenge. On Sunday, Seifer Black Armstrong’s WCF career will be on the line, and that’s his own damn fault.
Instead of doing what any normal wrestler who has been around for the past two years, and realize that I am unbeatable, Seifer Black Armstrong has instead turned the gun to his own head. I’ve said it time and time again, the biggest problem wrestlers have is an overabundance of pride. I have no mercy for such infantile flyjobbers. I will pull that trigger for Seifer, I will end him without remorse. I don’t give a fuck about him, his friends, his wife, or his….dreams. Tune in, because it’s going to be the last time any of you see ‘The Archangel.’
Brown: CUT! Not quite where we were going with that, but I think it’ll work.
The cameras turn off.
Fly: Yeah, I liked that one too. It felt good. It felt authentic.
Brown: I mean, we’ll obviously have to edit out some of those curse words, but it’s a good start. Alright, the next concept might be a little more fun. We want you to send a heartfelt message to Chelsea Black Armstrong on the eve of the match. I’m thinking, you’re concerned about what is going to happen to her husband and want to apologize to her for any damage done.
Fly stares blankly at Hank Brown.
Fly: Why would I be sorry about that?
Brown: It’s just a skit, Fly. It will bring an emotional connection into the match. People love that stuff.
Fly: I have a better idea.
Brown: I hesitate to ask what that would be.
Fly: Just roll, Hank. You’ll like this.
Brown: Alright, what the hell. Action!
The cameras begin to roll and we zoom in on Fly. He begins to talk loud and fast, like a used car salesman.
Fly: Hey! Everyone watching at home, it’s your good friend and the always trustworthy Jonny Fly. I’m reaching out to you to ask one simple question. Do you want to see Chelsea Black Armstrong’s tits? Do you know that Seifer Black Armstrong promised me that if I win our match on Slam this week that his wife will step into the ring and reveal herself live on television! This is a can’t miss event. Mainly because of me destroying another flyjobber, but also….tits. So let’s recap; this Sunday, WCF’s Slam…Main Event…probability of tits. You all should watch. Check your local listings for the channel.
Fly concludes his short message with a cheesy smile.
Brown: Alright, cut.
Fly: What do you think? Perhaps the greatest match promo in WCF history?
Brown: If we aired that we’d be lying to everyone.
Fly: No, Hank. That’s the brilliance of it. Seifer would be the one who lied. It’s a perfect plan. Roll that one, I’m telling you, everyone will watch. At least the…you know…straight male ones.
Brown: I’ll consider it. However, there’s still a couple more that we need to go through.
Fly: Bring it.
Brown: The next one is the promotional promo.
Fly: The what?
Brown: It’s like a contest. Here.
Brown walks forward and hands Fly a script.
Brown: Just read that out and we’ll be good.
Fly takes a second to review the paper he’s been handed.
Fly: This one is dumb. Your criteria are way off.
Brown: What do you mean?
Fly: “You have the criteria as me winning the match in less than five minutes, or less than 10 minutes, less than 15 minutes, or less than 20 minutes. What about less than one minute, or less than two minutes?
Brown: Uh…
Fly: Look, I’ll fix it. Just roll the camera.
Fly crumbles up the piece of paper and throws it out of the screen. Hank walks back to his post and motions for the cameras to begin rolling.
Brown: Roll it!
Fly: Hello wrestling fans! I’m Jonny Fly and as you might know I’m schedule to face mediocrity’s twin sister, Seifer Black Armstrong this week. Since the match won’t be much of a contest, I’d like to at least salvage some sort of competition out of it. Therefore, I am reaching out to all with a chance to score some prizes just for correctly predicting how long it will take me to pin Seifer. A poll question on WCF.com will be launched at the conclusion of this message. All you’ll need to do to win is fill out your name, address, and phone number when prompted on the site and then correctly pick whether it will take me less than one minute to defeat Siefer, less than two minutes, less than three minutes, or go out on a limb and predict he doesn’t even bother to show up. Those who choose correctly will automatically win gear from your favorite WCF superstar…which almost assuredly is me, even though I hate all of you. Good luck!
Brown: Cut!
The cameras stop.
Fly: Perfect?
Brown: Uh…I think it might work. I’m not sure anyone will actually win, but…
Fly: Who gives a fuck? Is that what you were going to say? Good call. Let’s go to the next one. What do you have for me?
Brown: So…I’m not sure how this is going to mesh with the other promos we’ve done, but we had the idea of having you talking about this being the biggest match of your career and really selling it as a match of the year candidate. Something along those lines.
Fly blinks once, and then blinks again. He doesn’t say anything.
Brown: Maybe make it sarcastic?
Fly OH! That makes perfect sense. I can do that.
Brown: I figured as much. Alright, let’s go. Roll it.
The cameras begin to roll.
Fly: So this week I’m set to face off against Seifer Black Armstrong. I know most of you are expecting me to talk about how much I think this match is going to be a blowout, but I’m not. This is a can’t-miss match people. Let’s take a look at the last two times I’ve been in a ring with Seifer. First, there was War where I lasted two and half hours and eventually beat the entire roster to win my fourth WCF World Title. In comparison, Seifer lasted just a bit shorter at under one half hour and in that time eliminated four…FOUR…jobbers. FOUR! If that wasn’t equal enough for you, let’s talk about last week. I literally slept through the entire week, hung out with my partner Steve Orbit, got a little drunk…I’ll admit it…and just BARELY managed to…not make the match look as one-sided as it really was. Meanwhile, Seifer and his partner Stacy Robinson tried their ass off and while they did lose, they did manage to not get completely embarrassed.
So, you see ladies and gentlemen, this week will be an epic duel between one of the greatest wrestlers in WCF history and one of the greatest three-named wrestlers who has never won any WCF titles. I just got off the phone with Logan and he told me Logan versus Slickie T or Logan versus Torture matches be damned, Jonny Fly versus Seifer Black Armstrong could be the match of the decade. There’s literally no way to know who’s going to win this match. It’s not like one of us has only been pinned twice in two years and the other probably gets pinned about twice a month. This is a match you’re going to be telling your kids about people. Tune in. Watch this massacre…I mean match…yeah, match. Watch it!
Brown: Cut it!
The cameras turn off.
Brown: Not bad. I guess that works, all things considered.
Fly: Good, what’s next?
Brown: Uh…yeah.
Fly looks confused as Hank stumbles over the next words. Meanwhile, a staffer approaches Fly with a bag.
Fly: What’s this?
Brown: Clothes. We’d like you to put them on.
The scene immediately cuts out. Seconds later, it reappears. Jonny Fly is dressed exactly like Seifer Black Armstrong, complete with baggy gothic clothing, facepaint, and all. He’s holding a microphone and replacing the WCF backdrop behind him is a green screen showing the beginning parts of the music video for The Lonely Island’s “Jizz in My Pants.” Fly, as Seifer, begins to sing a remix.
Brown: Cut! That’s all we need.
Fly: How was it?
Brown: Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I think we’re done here. That should be all we need.
Fly begins stripping off the ‘Seifer’ clothes.
Fly: So, since we’re here and you got the whole crew, I’d like to buy some air time.
Brown: You want to buy some air time? How much?
Fly: Five minutes. Maybe 10. That should be about all I need.
Hank turns and looks at Alex Chester. Chester nods his head.
Brown: Alright, fine. You want to film it now?
Fly: Yes I do.
With that, the scene cuts away. We begin again inside Jonny Fly’s New York City mansion. Fly himself is lounging in his recliner with a beer in his hand and flipping through the channels on his television. He turns the station to WCF television where a black screen is seen. Slowly, the scene dissolves in with his face centered on the screen. He smiles to the camera, and then begins.
Fly: I’ve been wrestling a long time. In that time I’ve won more than anyone…maybe ever. I’ve won in every type of match you could imagine, every title you could imagine, I’ve won in different companies against different wrestlers, I’ve literally won everything I ever wanted to win. There’s a very good reason for that. That reason is fairly simple, too.
I’ve been motivated.
So with that said, I’d like to commend my opponent this week, Seifer Black Armstrong, on one thing. He’s managed to motivate me. I honestly didn’t give a fuck about facing him and Stacy Robinson last week. I have no reason to be humble, I knew Steve Orbit and I were going to win. When you get to my stature, sometimes you just know who has it in them to beat you and who doesn’t. I can look around the roster right now and identify people that could beat me if they get lucky enough, but those people are very few and far between…and Seifer Black Armstrong isn’t on that list.
He desperately wants to be. I don’t care what he’s saying in public, he wants my respect. He wants to be a part of my world. He wants me to understand that he’s a successful wrestler and not just another Flyjobber. He calls me foolish for not already understanding these things. He swears that he’s capable of beating me, and god knows how many times he’s said the phrase ‘you’ve never seen before.’ It’s the same cliché bullshit dozens have said before him, and dozens will say after him.
His comments show me that once again, despite my efforts of education; this motherfucker still isn’t getting it. Seifer is the sort that won’t understand their place until you beat them down and shove their face in it. That’s where I come in. More so than anyone who has ever graced a wrestling ring, I’m the guy that can do that. I can take any man alive today into a wrestling ring and make them look like a fuckin’ infant. Seifer entered this company with the mindset that everyone should understand who he is, versus he understanding who everyone else is.
Welcome to my world, Seifer.
You have decided to take on the role of ‘just visiting.’ You have made the absolutely mind-numbingly idiotic decision of targeting yours truly to try and make a name for yourself. You’re barking up the wrong tree, jobber. It will never work. Instead of this pathetic display, why not try losing like a man? Be smart, for fuck sake. Wrestlers like you a dime a dozen. Don’t throw your career down the shitter to keep coming back at me for more. You’re in matches with Jonny Fly. Are you kidding me? This is so far out of your league that its already got your mind all scrambled. I can only hope that’s the reason you’re out there reciting poetry like a fuckin’ woman.
This match is EVERYTHING to you, Seifer. It’s not just your career on the line, it’s your reputation. You’re your manhood. What are you going to do when you lose? Are you going to ask for ANOTHER match and keep wasting my time? Are you going to keep with the ‘you don’t understand how good I am’ rhetoric? Are you going to finally bow gracefully and realize that I’m ten times the wrestler you are? Most importantly, are you finally going to let go of this childish dream that you’re able to beat me? For your sake, and your physical and mental health, I fuckin’ hope so.
I know you’re pumped for the match. I know you want me to feel this is a big deal, but I don’t. To me, this match is about taking a mouthy little midcarder and putting him back into his place. I’ve done this hundreds of times to wrestlers who are far better than you. To me, this is about sending a message to all of the young and new wrestlers out there, that this is my fuckin’ playground. You don’t get to interrupt the Era of Jonny Fly. When this match is over, Seifer, you and I are going to go our separate ways. I’m going back to being the World Champion and the star of every_single_show. You’re going back to wherever the fuck you came from, tail tucked between your legs and with the full understanding of what I’ve been trying to tell you for two weeks…
You. Can. Not. Beat. Me.
Have fun on the unemployment line, Seifer. I won’t miss you. In fact, two months from now, I won’t even remember who you were.
But, I will still be the WCF World Champion.
With that, the scene slowly fades out on Fly’s face. Watching from his television, Jonny Fly smiles an arrogant and cocky grin.
Fly: Some people have to learn the hard way. Such a shame.
Our scene dissolves to black.
Fly: Hello?
Faintly, we can distinguish the voice of Steve Orbit on the other end of the phone.
Orbit: Yo, what’s going on? You in town?
Fly: Na bro, I’m in Reading. Twilight asked me to come out here and meet with her promotions people to help sell my match this week. I guess last week they found out that Seifer Black Armstrong and Stacy Robinson aren’t capable of drawing viewers, and with my insistence on facing Seifer again she’s worried about the ratings for this week’s Main Event.
Orbit: Yeah homie, the people don’t like squashes. Fly/Orbit versus Armstrong/Robinson was the mismatch of the fuckin’ year. It aint gonna be much different this week. I wouldn’t tune in to watch that shit either.
Fly: So what’s up with you? You in New York?
Orbit: Yeah, and check this shit out, I’ve been bein’ followed by this sketchy looking van all day.
The comment draws the attention of Tom, who quickly looks over at Fly. Fly looks in his rearview mirror and looks at the SUV suspiciously parked behind him.
Fly: They’re just making their presence known. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s when you don’t see them that you should be worried.
Orbit: I get it man, I do. But how do they know about me? I’ve been layin’ low.
Fly pauses momentarily.
Fly: Good question. I don’t know. They have televisions though, they must have just realized we were hanging out at shows and decided to follow you in case they stumble upon some information to use against me. Are you using a clean phone?
Orbit: Of course. I know how the game is played, dawg. Don’t worry about that.
Fly: Alright good. Let me know if anything else comes up. I’ve got to head inside and get this shit knocked out, then I’ll be heading back to the city.
Orbit: Aight man. Talk to you later.
Fly hangs up the phone and looks over to Tom. He motions toward his rear-view mirror.
Fly: Feds are on us and Orbit at the same time.
Tom: They’re turning up the heat. They’re probably monitoring everyone that you come into contact with. We’ve got to do something about this. I know I’ve been saying…
Fly holds up his hand.
Fly: I’ve got it under control. I promise. Have I ever let anyone down?
Tom looks less than please, but still responds…
Tom: No.
Fly nods and pulls the handle of his door and opens it.
Fly: I’ll be back in a bit.
Fly exits the car and begins to walk across the lawn toward the entrance into the WCF administrative offices. He reaches the front door and the scene transforms to inside the headquarters. The front entrance leads into a reception area. Off to the side a secretary sits at her desk. The woman filling the post once served by Seth Lerch himself during Jonny Fly’s stint as WCF owner is a small, cute, and young brunette woman. She’s not paying much attention to the door, and instead is busy working away at her computer.
Fly walks inside the building and pauses to look around. This is his first time in the WCF headquarters since he sold the company. WCF memorabilia and pictures of Sarah Twilight are plastered everywhere over the lime green and black trimmed walls. A flat screen monitor in the reception’s seating area shows what appears to be a video of Twilight’s greatest matches. Fly smirks at the sights and then turns to the secretary who finally looks up from her computer.
Secretary: Oh! Hello Mr. Fly.
Fly: Yeah, apparently I’m supposed to meet with some people here today. Would you mind directing me where I need to go?
Secretary: Yes. You are in the conference room. Room 103.
Fly: Great, thank you.
Fly begins to turn away, but stops himself. He looks back toward the secretary.
Fly: Don’t take this the wrong way, but how did you get hired here?
Secretary: I don’t understand.
Fly: Well…you’re good looking. Sarah Twilight isn’t the type to hire attractive women as her secretary.
Secretary: I’m very well qualified. I’ve been doing this for over five years with several big companies. I imagine I was just the best candidate.
Fly looks confused.
Fly: Weird. Well alright, good talking to you.
Fly leaves and walks to the back of the reception area where he comes to a ‘T.’ There’s a hallway that stretches to the left and right. Fly looks to the left and sees the room number he’s looking for. He walks to the left and opens the first door on the right. Our scene now transforms into a conference room. There are three men in the room sitting a medium-sized rectangular table. Upon seeing Fly enter, they each stand up to greet him.
The first man that approaches is Greg Windemuth, the WCF’s Marketing and Promotions Director. Greg is shorter in stature to the other two men in the room and considerably more round. He shakes Fly’s hand vigorously.
Windemuth: Jonny Fly! Thank you so much for coming.
Fly nods and turns to another man, Andy Chester, the WCF Television Programming Director. Fly shakes hands with Chester, who is nearly as tall as Fly but also fairly lanky.
Chester: Mr. Fly, it’s a pleasure to see you again.
The last man in the room is known the world-over as WCF’s Mr. Everything, Hank Brown. Hank and Fly exchange a long handshake as Fly slaps him on the back.
Fly: Hank Brown. It’s been a long-time my friend, how are you?
Brown: I’m good. Really good. Please, have a seat. We’re all excited to get this started. You know how…uh…demanding Sarah can be. She really wants us to get this out as soon as possible.
Fly laughs a bit and nods his head.
Fly: Her head is in the right place. She knows Seifer Black Armstrong couldn’t sell a match if his wife promised to stand on the apron naked the entire time.
The comment gains an approving laugh from the men in the room. Fly takes a seat at the head of the table, flanked on the right by Hank Brown and the left by Greg Windemuth. Andy Chester takes the seat next to Brown. Fly looks at the table with a blank expression on his face.
Windemuth: Is something wrong?
Fly: It’s just…
He sighs.
Fly: …it’s kind of my thing to have coffee cakes at all meetings. It wasn’t that long ago you all worked for me, how come nobody remembered that rule?
Blank stares all the way around.
Hank: Uh, yeah, sorry about that Jonny. It slipped our minds.
Fly: I was looking forward to that. Anyway, I know I’m here to help with publicity of this match. What do you guys need from me?
Windemuth: Ratings for Slam last week were down considerably, and right now things aren’t looking good this week either. After the Tag Team titles match, we’re expecting three straight fairly one-sided matches.
Fly: Good point. My match certainly will be. Orbit’s match will be as well. Then there’s the expected Dan DiStoner beatdown of Eric Price. I can see the cause for concern.
The three men in the room look a little confused at the analysis of the Eric Price versus Dan DiStoner. Still, Greg Windemuth continues.
Windemuth: We need to find a way to sell your match as ‘must see’ and bridge the gap between the Tag Team Titles match and your own match. People are far more likely to watch the Price and Orbit matches if they’re flanked by matches the people do want to see. The key is to get them to watch the Main Event.
Fly: I understand where you guys are at, and I do want to help. That’s why I agreed to come. However, I have to be honest, there’s not much to sell here. Personally, I’m not thrilled with the notion of carrying Seifer Black Armstrong through another Main Event in the first place. He doesn’t belong in one. Don’t get me wrong, I did ask for this match, but only to prove a point. I don’t expect a good match. It’s going to be the type that makes the viewer’s really question the way we’re even booking these shows.
Chester: I’ll chime in on that. Nobody in this room controls booking. Considering Sarah’s history, I’m sure she wants to see Robinson and Armstrong embarrassed on the biggest stage possible and THEN fired. It’s a double-whammy for her. I think with you and Orbit as their opponents, that’s going to happen. Our job is to simply make sure people watch it. If you wanted this match to prove a point, you want as big of an audience as possible as well. What we’d like to do with you today is film a series of short promos for this match that we’ll air on WCF television over the course of the week to build hype for the match.
Brown: That’s right. We have some ideas as far as content. We’d like to go ahead and film all of them and then decide which ones are the best to air afterward. We really want to saturate WCF television over the next few days with multiple promotions of the match.
Fly: That sounds like a plan to me. Where do we film?
Brown: Right down the hall, actually.
Brown holds up a folder that’s on the table in front of him.
Brown: Here are the ideas we came up with. There’s about five of them, so I hope you have some time.
Fly: Absolutely. Let’s get started.
The four men at the table get up and lead Fly out of the room. Back in the hallway they head to the left and go all the way to the end of the hallway. There’s an open doorway that leads into a studio. A stage is set up on the far right hand side of the room and a WCF backdrop has been placed behind it. Facing the stage and screen are a few cameras with cameraman milling around waiting to begin. Hank Brown points Fly toward the stage.
Brown: We’re not asking you to do anything fancy. Just stand on the stage and speak directly to the audience. It’ll be more authentic that way.
Fly: Okay. So just stand on the stage and look into the camera?
Brown: Exactly.
Fly: Alright then.
Fly moves toward the stage and positions himself in the center facing the cameras. Hank Brown takes a spot next to the center cameraman and opens up his folder. Greg Windemuth and Andy Chester look on from the back of the room.
Brown: Alright Jonny, are you ready to go?
Fly: Let’s do it.
Brown: I’m going to give you our concept and then I want you to let your instinct take over. Get yourself in the right mindset and then knowing what we’re looking for say whatever you’d like to promote the match.
Fly: That’s easy enough.
Brown: The first one is going to be you speaking directly to Seifer Black Armstrong Say whatever you’d like to him in thirty seconds. Are you ready?
Fly: Yep. No problem.
Brown: Alright, ROLL CAMERA!
The cameras click on and zoom in on Fly’s face. Fly pauses just briefly to exchange an intimidating stare into the camera lens, before beginning.
Fly: Wouldn’t you know it, Seifer Black Armstrong got his wish. He’s talked himself into a match against me. I’m not just the WCF World Champion, but perhaps the greatest wrestler of my generation. To all of you at home, please know that Seifer Black Armstrong doesn't deserve to be anywhere near the ring with me. He's a terrible wrestler. He has zero qualities that separate him from the dozens of other wrestlers on this roster who would KILL for the chance to prove themselves against me...
Brown: CUT!
The cameras click off. Fly looks confused.
Fly: What?
Brown: Jonny, we’re trying to sell the match, remember? I know you don’t like the guy and you think the match is going to be a walk, but that’s not how we get viewers. Can’t you find a way to say what you want to say and sell the match at the same time?
Fly: I suppose. Hey, what if we did something with me speaking in third person?
Brown: What’s that going to change?
Fly: Let’s just give it a shot. I think you’ll like it.
Brown: Alright, we’re flexible. Let’s see what you got. On your count.
Fly: One, two, three…roll it.
The camera click back on.
Fly: Hello WCF fans! I’m Matthew Robinson. You probably know me because I’m super creative, as evidenced by my killer putdowns last week about Sarah Twilight assfucking Jonny Fly. That was so great I repeated it over and over and over and over, like any creative person would do. Not to be done by...well...myself, this week I’ve been running around saying ‘The Punisher is going to punish.’ Because you know, that phrase is super awesome. Anyway, let me tell you about my best friend forever Seifer Black Armstrong. He’s like, an incredible wrestler. He’s totally better than Jonny Fly. Seifer Black Armstrong is so damn cool that he could give the sun a brain-freeze…
Brown: CUT!
Fly: Oh come on! What was wrong with that one?
Brown: I thought you said you were going to talk in third person?
Fly: I was. That third person was Matthew Robinson.
Brown: No disrespect Jonny, but I think you need to look up the definition of ‘talking in third person.’
Fly: Oh whatever, Hank. Matthew Robinson always comes to Seifer’s defense like the two are married or some shit. Therefore, me doing a promo about this match AS Matthew Robinson would pretty fuckin’ ironic.
Brown: I think you also need to look up the definition of ironic.
Fly: Stop being a bitch, Hank. That promo was money.
Brown: Look, let’s just stay on task here. Next up is a tale of the tape promo. We’re looking for you to give the audience the facts of the match.
Fly: That’s easy enough. Roll it.
The cameras begin rolling.
Fly: WCF universe you guys want some facts? Here’s a fact; last week Seifer Black Armstrong made the dumbest of rookie mistakes. He dreamed. He looked at the card, pulled down his pants, and dropped a load right at the mere thought of scoring a victory over yours truly. Then, as I told him he would, he lost. Embarrassed, what did Seifer do? He doubled down. He made a one on one challenge to the greatest wrestler he will EVER encounter…me…the WCF World Champion…Jonny motherfuckin’ Fly. Worse yet for that poor man, I accepted that challenge. On Sunday, Seifer Black Armstrong’s WCF career will be on the line, and that’s his own damn fault.
Instead of doing what any normal wrestler who has been around for the past two years, and realize that I am unbeatable, Seifer Black Armstrong has instead turned the gun to his own head. I’ve said it time and time again, the biggest problem wrestlers have is an overabundance of pride. I have no mercy for such infantile flyjobbers. I will pull that trigger for Seifer, I will end him without remorse. I don’t give a fuck about him, his friends, his wife, or his….dreams. Tune in, because it’s going to be the last time any of you see ‘The Archangel.’
Brown: CUT! Not quite where we were going with that, but I think it’ll work.
The cameras turn off.
Fly: Yeah, I liked that one too. It felt good. It felt authentic.
Brown: I mean, we’ll obviously have to edit out some of those curse words, but it’s a good start. Alright, the next concept might be a little more fun. We want you to send a heartfelt message to Chelsea Black Armstrong on the eve of the match. I’m thinking, you’re concerned about what is going to happen to her husband and want to apologize to her for any damage done.
Fly stares blankly at Hank Brown.
Fly: Why would I be sorry about that?
Brown: It’s just a skit, Fly. It will bring an emotional connection into the match. People love that stuff.
Fly: I have a better idea.
Brown: I hesitate to ask what that would be.
Fly: Just roll, Hank. You’ll like this.
Brown: Alright, what the hell. Action!
The cameras begin to roll and we zoom in on Fly. He begins to talk loud and fast, like a used car salesman.
Fly: Hey! Everyone watching at home, it’s your good friend and the always trustworthy Jonny Fly. I’m reaching out to you to ask one simple question. Do you want to see Chelsea Black Armstrong’s tits? Do you know that Seifer Black Armstrong promised me that if I win our match on Slam this week that his wife will step into the ring and reveal herself live on television! This is a can’t miss event. Mainly because of me destroying another flyjobber, but also….tits. So let’s recap; this Sunday, WCF’s Slam…Main Event…probability of tits. You all should watch. Check your local listings for the channel.
Fly concludes his short message with a cheesy smile.
Brown: Alright, cut.
Fly: What do you think? Perhaps the greatest match promo in WCF history?
Brown: If we aired that we’d be lying to everyone.
Fly: No, Hank. That’s the brilliance of it. Seifer would be the one who lied. It’s a perfect plan. Roll that one, I’m telling you, everyone will watch. At least the…you know…straight male ones.
Brown: I’ll consider it. However, there’s still a couple more that we need to go through.
Fly: Bring it.
Brown: The next one is the promotional promo.
Fly: The what?
Brown: It’s like a contest. Here.
Brown walks forward and hands Fly a script.
Brown: Just read that out and we’ll be good.
Fly takes a second to review the paper he’s been handed.
Fly: This one is dumb. Your criteria are way off.
Brown: What do you mean?
Fly: “You have the criteria as me winning the match in less than five minutes, or less than 10 minutes, less than 15 minutes, or less than 20 minutes. What about less than one minute, or less than two minutes?
Brown: Uh…
Fly: Look, I’ll fix it. Just roll the camera.
Fly crumbles up the piece of paper and throws it out of the screen. Hank walks back to his post and motions for the cameras to begin rolling.
Brown: Roll it!
Fly: Hello wrestling fans! I’m Jonny Fly and as you might know I’m schedule to face mediocrity’s twin sister, Seifer Black Armstrong this week. Since the match won’t be much of a contest, I’d like to at least salvage some sort of competition out of it. Therefore, I am reaching out to all with a chance to score some prizes just for correctly predicting how long it will take me to pin Seifer. A poll question on WCF.com will be launched at the conclusion of this message. All you’ll need to do to win is fill out your name, address, and phone number when prompted on the site and then correctly pick whether it will take me less than one minute to defeat Siefer, less than two minutes, less than three minutes, or go out on a limb and predict he doesn’t even bother to show up. Those who choose correctly will automatically win gear from your favorite WCF superstar…which almost assuredly is me, even though I hate all of you. Good luck!
Brown: Cut!
The cameras stop.
Fly: Perfect?
Brown: Uh…I think it might work. I’m not sure anyone will actually win, but…
Fly: Who gives a fuck? Is that what you were going to say? Good call. Let’s go to the next one. What do you have for me?
Brown: So…I’m not sure how this is going to mesh with the other promos we’ve done, but we had the idea of having you talking about this being the biggest match of your career and really selling it as a match of the year candidate. Something along those lines.
Fly blinks once, and then blinks again. He doesn’t say anything.
Brown: Maybe make it sarcastic?
Fly OH! That makes perfect sense. I can do that.
Brown: I figured as much. Alright, let’s go. Roll it.
The cameras begin to roll.
Fly: So this week I’m set to face off against Seifer Black Armstrong. I know most of you are expecting me to talk about how much I think this match is going to be a blowout, but I’m not. This is a can’t-miss match people. Let’s take a look at the last two times I’ve been in a ring with Seifer. First, there was War where I lasted two and half hours and eventually beat the entire roster to win my fourth WCF World Title. In comparison, Seifer lasted just a bit shorter at under one half hour and in that time eliminated four…FOUR…jobbers. FOUR! If that wasn’t equal enough for you, let’s talk about last week. I literally slept through the entire week, hung out with my partner Steve Orbit, got a little drunk…I’ll admit it…and just BARELY managed to…not make the match look as one-sided as it really was. Meanwhile, Seifer and his partner Stacy Robinson tried their ass off and while they did lose, they did manage to not get completely embarrassed.
So, you see ladies and gentlemen, this week will be an epic duel between one of the greatest wrestlers in WCF history and one of the greatest three-named wrestlers who has never won any WCF titles. I just got off the phone with Logan and he told me Logan versus Slickie T or Logan versus Torture matches be damned, Jonny Fly versus Seifer Black Armstrong could be the match of the decade. There’s literally no way to know who’s going to win this match. It’s not like one of us has only been pinned twice in two years and the other probably gets pinned about twice a month. This is a match you’re going to be telling your kids about people. Tune in. Watch this massacre…I mean match…yeah, match. Watch it!
Brown: Cut it!
The cameras turn off.
Brown: Not bad. I guess that works, all things considered.
Fly: Good, what’s next?
Brown: Uh…yeah.
Fly looks confused as Hank stumbles over the next words. Meanwhile, a staffer approaches Fly with a bag.
Fly: What’s this?
Brown: Clothes. We’d like you to put them on.
The scene immediately cuts out. Seconds later, it reappears. Jonny Fly is dressed exactly like Seifer Black Armstrong, complete with baggy gothic clothing, facepaint, and all. He’s holding a microphone and replacing the WCF backdrop behind him is a green screen showing the beginning parts of the music video for The Lonely Island’s “Jizz in My Pants.” Fly, as Seifer, begins to sing a remix.
Lock eyes from across the ring
Down my Gatorade while the music sings
Shake your hand and ignore the names
No need here for the silly games
Take a look out at the crowd
I feel like I’m high, like I’m on a cloud
Move in close, fists begin to fly
Your fist strikes my head and I begin to cry
Leave this ring go out to the floor
From this vantage point my wife looks like a whore
I hope for the whole night this is not what’s instore
Jonny Fly whispers in my ear that he expected more
And I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
This really never happens you can take my word
I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd
Mainly your fault for not giving me a chance
And now I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Don't tell your friends or they’ll know I suck
Plus it’s your fault, for not giving a fuck
I'm very sensitive, you can call me a puss
Now I'll go home and change
I need a few things from the grocery
Tampons and ice packs mostly
Fly had me heart broken, showin’ me no love
The surprise in my eyes as he wailed on me from above
Things went dark and then I saw a face
My heart stood still so did time and space
Never felt that I could wrestle again
But the look in his eyes said I need a friend
Jesus turned to me and then he said
Looked me dead in the face, asked
“Why the fuck do you keep doing this to yourself, Seifer?”
And I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Its perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
Other than the fact that I’m no longer a WCF employee
And now I’m posed in this awkward stance because I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
To be fair my body hurts a lot
Plus the way you made me a Flyjobber got me bothered and hot
I’ll finally stop acting like I’m not impressed
One more thing, could you get Sarah to give me my check?
Down my Gatorade while the music sings
Shake your hand and ignore the names
No need here for the silly games
Take a look out at the crowd
I feel like I’m high, like I’m on a cloud
Move in close, fists begin to fly
Your fist strikes my head and I begin to cry
Leave this ring go out to the floor
From this vantage point my wife looks like a whore
I hope for the whole night this is not what’s instore
Jonny Fly whispers in my ear that he expected more
And I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
This really never happens you can take my word
I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd
Mainly your fault for not giving me a chance
And now I
JIZZ IN MY PANTS
Don't tell your friends or they’ll know I suck
Plus it’s your fault, for not giving a fuck
I'm very sensitive, you can call me a puss
Now I'll go home and change
I need a few things from the grocery
Tampons and ice packs mostly
Fly had me heart broken, showin’ me no love
The surprise in my eyes as he wailed on me from above
Things went dark and then I saw a face
My heart stood still so did time and space
Never felt that I could wrestle again
But the look in his eyes said I need a friend
Jesus turned to me and then he said
Looked me dead in the face, asked
“Why the fuck do you keep doing this to yourself, Seifer?”
And I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Its perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
Other than the fact that I’m no longer a WCF employee
And now I’m posed in this awkward stance because I
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
To be fair my body hurts a lot
Plus the way you made me a Flyjobber got me bothered and hot
I’ll finally stop acting like I’m not impressed
One more thing, could you get Sarah to give me my check?
Brown: Cut! That’s all we need.
Fly: How was it?
Brown: Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I think we’re done here. That should be all we need.
Fly begins stripping off the ‘Seifer’ clothes.
Fly: So, since we’re here and you got the whole crew, I’d like to buy some air time.
Brown: You want to buy some air time? How much?
Fly: Five minutes. Maybe 10. That should be about all I need.
Hank turns and looks at Alex Chester. Chester nods his head.
Brown: Alright, fine. You want to film it now?
Fly: Yes I do.
With that, the scene cuts away. We begin again inside Jonny Fly’s New York City mansion. Fly himself is lounging in his recliner with a beer in his hand and flipping through the channels on his television. He turns the station to WCF television where a black screen is seen. Slowly, the scene dissolves in with his face centered on the screen. He smiles to the camera, and then begins.
Fly: I’ve been wrestling a long time. In that time I’ve won more than anyone…maybe ever. I’ve won in every type of match you could imagine, every title you could imagine, I’ve won in different companies against different wrestlers, I’ve literally won everything I ever wanted to win. There’s a very good reason for that. That reason is fairly simple, too.
I’ve been motivated.
So with that said, I’d like to commend my opponent this week, Seifer Black Armstrong, on one thing. He’s managed to motivate me. I honestly didn’t give a fuck about facing him and Stacy Robinson last week. I have no reason to be humble, I knew Steve Orbit and I were going to win. When you get to my stature, sometimes you just know who has it in them to beat you and who doesn’t. I can look around the roster right now and identify people that could beat me if they get lucky enough, but those people are very few and far between…and Seifer Black Armstrong isn’t on that list.
He desperately wants to be. I don’t care what he’s saying in public, he wants my respect. He wants to be a part of my world. He wants me to understand that he’s a successful wrestler and not just another Flyjobber. He calls me foolish for not already understanding these things. He swears that he’s capable of beating me, and god knows how many times he’s said the phrase ‘you’ve never seen before.’ It’s the same cliché bullshit dozens have said before him, and dozens will say after him.
His comments show me that once again, despite my efforts of education; this motherfucker still isn’t getting it. Seifer is the sort that won’t understand their place until you beat them down and shove their face in it. That’s where I come in. More so than anyone who has ever graced a wrestling ring, I’m the guy that can do that. I can take any man alive today into a wrestling ring and make them look like a fuckin’ infant. Seifer entered this company with the mindset that everyone should understand who he is, versus he understanding who everyone else is.
Welcome to my world, Seifer.
You have decided to take on the role of ‘just visiting.’ You have made the absolutely mind-numbingly idiotic decision of targeting yours truly to try and make a name for yourself. You’re barking up the wrong tree, jobber. It will never work. Instead of this pathetic display, why not try losing like a man? Be smart, for fuck sake. Wrestlers like you a dime a dozen. Don’t throw your career down the shitter to keep coming back at me for more. You’re in matches with Jonny Fly. Are you kidding me? This is so far out of your league that its already got your mind all scrambled. I can only hope that’s the reason you’re out there reciting poetry like a fuckin’ woman.
This match is EVERYTHING to you, Seifer. It’s not just your career on the line, it’s your reputation. You’re your manhood. What are you going to do when you lose? Are you going to ask for ANOTHER match and keep wasting my time? Are you going to keep with the ‘you don’t understand how good I am’ rhetoric? Are you going to finally bow gracefully and realize that I’m ten times the wrestler you are? Most importantly, are you finally going to let go of this childish dream that you’re able to beat me? For your sake, and your physical and mental health, I fuckin’ hope so.
I know you’re pumped for the match. I know you want me to feel this is a big deal, but I don’t. To me, this match is about taking a mouthy little midcarder and putting him back into his place. I’ve done this hundreds of times to wrestlers who are far better than you. To me, this is about sending a message to all of the young and new wrestlers out there, that this is my fuckin’ playground. You don’t get to interrupt the Era of Jonny Fly. When this match is over, Seifer, you and I are going to go our separate ways. I’m going back to being the World Champion and the star of every_single_show. You’re going back to wherever the fuck you came from, tail tucked between your legs and with the full understanding of what I’ve been trying to tell you for two weeks…
You. Can. Not. Beat. Me.
Have fun on the unemployment line, Seifer. I won’t miss you. In fact, two months from now, I won’t even remember who you were.
But, I will still be the WCF World Champion.
With that, the scene slowly fades out on Fly’s face. Watching from his television, Jonny Fly smiles an arrogant and cocky grin.
Fly: Some people have to learn the hard way. Such a shame.
Our scene dissolves to black.
