Clerks of Narnia: The Lesbo, The Witch and the Beatdown!
Oct 20, 2013 15:53:42 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2013 15:53:42 GMT -5
The Fairmont Olympic Hotel
Seattle, Washington
Saturday, October 19th 2013
Seattle is probably about the most depressing place on Earth. It rains more often there than just about anywhere else in the United States. It is for this very reason that we find WCF Owner Sarah Twilight cooped up in her hotel suite. The stunning redhead is wearing a white crop top embroidered with the words "The Only One" across the chest, a pair of light blue denim jeans and a pair of socks as she paces back and forth along the soft plush carpeting of her suite. She is currently on the phone with someone, handling WCF business as had been the norm for her since taking over the company. As she carries on her conversation, her youngest sister Angie sits impatiently on one of the arm chairs in the room. The teenage redhead full of energy and wanting to do something. But with the pouring rain outside, the choices were limited.
Sarah: I don't give a shit what they want. I have made my decisions and that's it.
Sarah continues on the phone and by the narrowed eyes and scowl upon her face, it was obvious that she was growing very tired of the direction of the conversation.
Sarah: No. Case closed. I don't want to hear another fucking word about it. ... I said not another fucking word. Conversation over.
She hangs up the phone and tosses it onto the bed, shaking her head in disgust.
Angie: Sarah?
Sarah looks toward her younger sister, still in a foul mood.
Sarah: Yes, Angie? What is it?
Angie frowns a bit, not wanting to upset the sister she looked up to so much.
Angie: I'm sorry Sarah. I wasn't trying to bother you. I know you've had a long day.
Sarah shakes her head, sighing heavily as she gives her full attention to her sister now.
Sarah: No. You're not bothering me. I would just rather be spending my time somewhere other than this shithole city.
Angie nods and giggles a bit.
Angie: Yeah, there's nothing to do at all.
Sarah shrugs her shoulders, still annoyed at being stuck at the hotel and unable to go and do something worthwhile.
Sarah: I suppose we could go down to the fitness center again?
Angie shakes her head vehemently.
Angie: We've been there three times already! I don't like to do that as much as you do.
Sarah: Well I don't think there are many options, Angie. I told you this wasn't a good week for tagging along at the show. You'd have been much happier back in L.A. with Rachel.
Angie: I don't even like California. And I wanted to see you wrestle.
Sarah nods her head as she takes a seat in an arm chair across from Angie. She folds her hands on her lap and the expression on her face says "Welp, I'm out of ideas."
Sarah: Slam isn't until tomorrow ... sooooo, I have no idea what we're doing until then.
Angie looks as though she has an idea. With excitement she is restless in her seat.
Angie: How about you tell me that story again? The one you told me last week?
Sarah raises a brow.
Sarah: You mean ...
Angie: The one about the lesbian.
Sarah laughs, shaking her head.
Sarah: Why would you want to hear that again?
Angie: Because, lesbians are funny. A girl liking another girl is gross. And that lesbian girl in the story was gross, but so stupid. So it was really funny.
Sarah laughs again as she nods her head in agreement.
Sarah: Yes, lesbians are nasty. I'm glad that you understand that. But, I don't think I can even remember whatever story I told you. I probably just made it up as I went along.
Angie: So? Make up another one!
Sarah thinks a moment as she looks around the room. There on the entertainment stand were a few of the movies Angie had brought along. Sarah takes note of the titles. She smiles looking back at Angie.
Sarah: Alright, sure. We don't have anything better to do right now anyway.
Angie is full of glee as she folds her legs underneath her and sits in the arm chair Indian style. Her attention on Sarah fully.
Sarah: In a far off place called ... Narnia ... where the trees extend as far as the eye can see, and lush meadows and blooming fields wrap the rest of the Earth ...
As Sarah speaks, Angie begins to envision the place being described. This place was full of beauty. Chirping birds, galloping deer, butterflies fluttering about. The blossoming flowers giving off the sweet scent of life that Angie can almost smell right now. In the middle of a clearing deep within the lively forest sits a Quick Stop convenience store. Yes, there is a Quick Stop in Narnia ... because, why not? Inside of the store, a disgruntled pair of clerks fuss over the days happenings. We'll call them ... Dante and Randall.
Dante: The coffee maker is shot, half the register keys don't work ... they didn't deliver the newspapers, and the worst part of it all? I wasn't even supposed to be here today!
Randall: Oh stop the whining. That's just like you Dante. Never taking responsibility for your own choices. You weren't supposed to be here? Yet you're here and that, my friend was a decision left all to you. You could have easily declined, or simply not have answered that beckoning call to ride forth into battle with the one place you most desperately loathe and yet you chose to do so. You are your own worst enemy.
Dante: Oh spare me the lecture. It's already ten o'clock and you haven't even opened the video store yet. As if you enjoyed your choice of careers any more than I enjoy mine?
Randall: I ssee things in a glass half full perspective my friend. I figure if I'm going to be stuck at the video store all day, why not make the most of it?
Dante: So you come here to torture me. Gee thanks.
As the two bicker back and forth a pair of men comes bursting through the door. Both of them wearing trenchcoats and hats. One is a skinny man with long blonde hair. The other a heavier set man with long dark hair and a full beard. We'll call these two ... Jay and Silent Bob. The two of them look like they've seen a ghost. Dante doesn't look pleased to see them.
Dante: How many times to I have to tell you stoners to stay out of here?
Jay: Hey watch your fucking mouth! Shit just got all Green Acres out there!
Silent Bob nods his head and points at Jay, confirming what he was saying.
Randall: What are you two rattling on about?
Jay: Yo, fatass and I were out back by the dumpsters lighting a fatty. Sparked that shit up good too. Almost like sucking a dick ... oooh yeah baby.
Silent Bob looks oddly at Jay. Jay looks back at him.
Jay: I do not suck dicks! You suck the dick.
Dante: ALRIGHT! Get on with it!
Jay: Yo, calm your shit.
He and Silent Bob look offended. Jay continues.
Jay: Anyway, I was out there with this tub of fat smoking some of the good shit when tubby decided to change the boom box to AM ...
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: I didn't touch that shit. Don't look at me like that, it was you!
Silent Bob: ... !!!
Jay: Ok maybe I accidentally changed to AM. The point is, two passes of the blunt later and we're surrounded by fucking trees and shit. It's like a fucking jungle out there. I think I saw Bigfoot or some shit.
Silent Bob nods his head in agreement.
Randall: O-kay ... the two of you have completely lost it.
Dante: I don't need this! Go, just go ... and don't bother any of the customers.
Jay: Customers? Yo, you might get a fucking elephant or some shit, but there ain't gonna be any customers.
Dante: Oh for Pete's sake!
Dante comes around from behind the counter to escort Jay and Silent Bob from the store. As he opens the door to show them out he sees that his small town is long gone and indeed, there was a jungle ... or a forest outside.
Dante: Oh my God, I'm losing it too! This job is getting to me, I knew it.
Randall: Nah man, I see it too. What the hell happened?
As they discuss what could possibly be going on, a black cat walks into the store and makes Dante nearly jump out of his skin. We'll call the black cat Mr. Fluffykins.
Mr. FluffyKins: Hello good friends.
Jay: Yo, that pussy just talked!
Silent Bob: ...
Yes, Mr. Fluffykins is a talking black cat ... because, fuck lions. Talking black cats are better. Have you not ever seen Sabrina?
Dante: Talking cats? Forests outside. Ugh! I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
Randall: Holy crap ... cat people are real!
Mr. FluffyKins: I do realize this is a bit to take in. But I am here because I need your help.
Jay: I ain't fucking it. No way, that is one pussy I want no part of.
Dante: Help you? Help you how?
Mr. FluffyKins: Well you see, just outside of the forests of Narnia there is a dark, evil mountain where a witch resides. That witch has turned me into a cat and banished me from all of civilization. I need you to help my lesbian friend fuck that witch to break the spell and return me to my former self.
Jay: Talking pussies, lesbians ... I'm in heaven!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: You damn right fatty!
Dante: You want us to help a lesbian sleep with a witch? Why do I have the feeling this is not a good idea? I assume this witch isn't interested?
Randall: What are you Mother Teresa? It's a witch, who cares if she's interested? Obviously we've been transported to some alternate universe where talking cats are the essence of all that is our purpose. We've been chosen to crawl out from the primordial stew that we call existence where being a convenience store clerk is no longer our solitary obligation and we have been granted the opportunity to throw our hats over the wall for the greater good.
Dante: I am not listening to you Randall. Every time that I do, I end up regretting it. Why are we the "chosen" ones anyway?
Mr. FluffyKins: I saw your temple appear in the clearing. It was a sign.
Jay: I knew AM radio was good for something!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: What? We're gonna get to see some dyke action. Two hot bitches jamming there fingers all up in that snatch. Licking each other dry ... I got a hard on right now. Come 'ere tubby, handle this shit for me.
Silent Bob gets in a defensive pose, ready to hit Jay.
Jay: Oh come, you know you love it.
Mr. FluffyKins: About that hot "bitches" thing ... the witch, very attractive ... the lesbian ... well she resembles the walking dead on a permanent case of depression.
Jay: Does it have titties? I'll still fuck it.
Dante: Jay, being lesbian means she isn't interested in men.
Jay: She just hasn't met me yet. I will command that clit. I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: Hell no tubby, you like the cock.
As they continue to talk, the door to the store opens again and the bells above jingle. A woman walks into the Quick Stop. She is dressed all in black, with some fucked up Lee press on nails that are splotchy with black polish, a very bad Milli - Vanilli haircut and about ten gallons of eye shadow that make her eyes look as though they are floating in her skull. Jay screams like a girl as he sees this horrific, disgusting and very ugly sight and jumps into Silent Bob's arms. Silent Bob drops him and backs away. Mr. Fluffykins sighs as he looks to the foursome of losers.
Mr. FluffyKins: As you can see, this is going to be quite the task. I would like you all to meet Lilith the lesbian.
Randall: That's a lesbian? I thought it was a dude.
Dante: This day couldn't get any worse.
Mr. FluffyKins: I assure you, Lilith is indeed a lesbian ... somewhere under all of that emo makeup.
Randall: My juvenille fantasies of pure girl on girl romp arounds have been permanently ruined. Though I guess she's kinda cute if you take away the caked on eye shadow.
Dante: You would say something like that.
Randall: What? I am a firm believer that even the ugly chicks need a little Randall in their lives. I am actually kinda intrigued.
Jay: Yo, that's a fucking she-beast. I bet she does the kinky shit like going ass to mouth.
Dante: That's disgusting. You never go ass to mouth.
Randall: You've never gone ass to mouth?
Dante: No!
Jay: That's cause Dante's a bitch.
Jay looks at Lilith and tries to get all suave.
Jay: Hey there crazy bitch from hell. I'm thinking you, me and a whole lot of rocking. Ima call you BooBooKittyFuck.
Lilith looks at Jay and laughs.
Lilith: I am not looking for little boys. I just want to be reunited with my beloved.
Randall is very intrigued at this point and he leans against the counter near Lilith.
Randall: Your beloved? I'm guessing you're talking about that witch the talking cat had mentioned?
Lilith: Mmhmm. Sarah is the love of my life.
Randall: You ever do it?
Lilith: What?
Randall: Come on, tell us ... you ever have a crack at her snatch or what?
Lilith: That's a personal question.
Randall: Hey, if we're supposed to help you get down and dirty with the chick, the least you can do is tell us if you two have ever gotten nasty before? Pictures would be most appreciated.
Lilith: If you MUST know, Sarah and I would have had sex already but we can't.
Randall: Why not?
Lilith: It's because of Pillowpants. Sarah says she would totally have sex with me, but that if I stick my fingers inside of her, Pillowpants will bite them off.
Randall/Dante/Jay/SilentBob: ...
Lilith: Pillowpants is her pussy troll?
Blanks stares from all of them.
Randall: O--kay.
Lilith: Oh stop. I could have Sarah whenever I want.
Randall: Sure you can ... and I'm the King of England.
Lilith: Pleasure to meet you, your majesty.
Jay: Yo, this bitch is a few sandwiches short of a full picnic basket.
Lilith laughs again. She doesn't even understand that she's been insulted.
Lilith: Oh you're sooo funny. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a fiery redhead who's panties I must get into.
At this point you could hear a pin drop and crickets chirping as everyone in the room stares at Lilith with dead silence. It takes a few moments for Randall to finally be the one to speak up.
Randall: So you want us to help you fuck a witch ... who is a redhead? Now that's just crazy. We'd have a better chance storming the Death Star and taking intergalactic control of the universe.
Silent Bob: ... !!! !!! !!!
Jay: I agree with tubby, this shit is fucked up.
Lilith: Oh come on, she's a sexy redhead witch!
Randall: Helping crazy zombie chicks sleep with redhead witches who turn dudes into cats and live on evil mountains is not part of my job description lady.
Mr. FluffyKins: You said you'd help me!
Jay: You didn't say it was a redhead witch. Fuck that. Helping a black pussy help a pale pussy get into a red pussy. Yo, that is like the type of shit that would blow the world up. No sir, we are having no part of that.
As they speak, the skies grow dark as thunder and lightning suddenly pound the landscape. Mr. Fluffykins looks terrified as the rest of the group looks on in confusion.
Mr. FluffyKins: She's found us! We're doomed!
Lilith: My beloved has come to be with me!
Out through the sky, the lot of them see a figure traveling toward the Quick Stop at lightning speed. It is of course, a witch ... on a broom flying through the sky. Why a broom? Well why not? Lilith probably believes all of this hocus pocus bullshit anyway. So in this scenario, Sarah the redhead witch is flying through the sky on a broom ... and we'll go ahead and say she's wearing one of those pointy witch hats to boot!
Randall: I think I should go make sure the video store is open.
Dante: Oh no you don't. You're going to stay here with the rest of us.
Jay: Yo, I got this. Let me at her! Let me at her!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: I ain't scared.
The front windows of the store blow out in Hollywood fashion sending glass everywhere and the whipping winds and rain of the violent storm outside enter the store. Jay screams again like a girl and runs and ducks behind one of the shelves. Everyone in the store backs up considerably. Finally, Sarah the redhead witch lands right at the doorstep of the Quick Stop. An evil smirk upon her face. Everyone in the store is terrified, except for Lilith who stands there with her arms wide open, smiling like an idiot.
Lilith: Sarah! I knew you loved me. I knew we'd be together forever!
As Sarah walks into the store, she shoves Lilith out of the way and scans the room with her emerald green eyes.
Sarah: Where is the cat?
Randall, Dante, Jay and Silent Bob all point behind the counter where Mr. Fluffykins was hiding. Sarah swaggers arrogantly around the counter to find a trembling feline, cowering in the corner.
Mr. FluffyKins: I didn't do anything. I swear it!
Sarah grabs the cat by his tail and hauls him up.
Sarah: You are still trying to help that pathetic dyke get into my panties, aren't you?
Mr. FluffyKins: No, I would never --
Jay: Yo, that pussy was all about getting us to help that pale bitch get all up in that snatch. He said you two were gonna fuck ... fuck nasty
Jay starts humping the side of the aisle as he very descriptively tattles on Mr. Fluffykins. Sarah shakes her head in disgust, and Mr. Fluffykins clenches his eyes shut. Sarah simply drops the cat and smirks.
Sarah: Right now as we speak, that repugnant dyke is shoving her fingers into that dry, cobweb infested void between her legs that she calls a cunt. She dreams about me because she wishes she could be like me. She wishes that anything about her pathetic existence ever mattered.
Sure enough Lilith the lesbian was over in the corner with her hand down her own pants, moaning. Sarah rolls her eyes and has seen enough. Jay is mesmerized watching Lilith. Silent Bob covers his eyes. Dante and Randall don't want to watch, but can't look away.
Sarah: This charade of yours ends you disgusting bitch.
With a wiggle of the nose ... yes a wiggle of the nose, because why not go the Bewitched route? It's better than a wand or some chant, right? So anyway ... with a wiggle of her nose, Sarah transforms Lilith the lesbian into ... a teddy bear! Makes sense, right? The crazy bitch loves her teddy bears, so why not just turn her into one? Lilith the lesbian teddy bear realized something is quite different now as she no longer has any fingers to shove up into where that ratchety twat used to be. Lilith the lesbian teddy bear screams in horror.
Lilith Lesbo Teddy: Nooooooooooooooooooo! I can't pleasure myself to thoughts of my beloved anymore! WHY? WHYYYYYY would you do this to me?!
Sarah: Oh shut the fuck up you stupid twit.
Jay: Yo, is a twit like a twat or is it more like a clit? Cause clits are fucking awesome. I AM THE CLIT COMMAND --
Sarah: YOU, shut the fuck up as well.
Jay: Well damn, you don't gotta be all bossy and shit.
Lilith the lesbian teddy bear starts crying and pleading because she is alone, and now unable to ever find the love that she sought. The harsh reality sets in that ... well being a stupid dyke just doesn't pay off. Sarah cackles evilly as she walks out from the Quick Stop. She gets back onto her broom and flies off into the sky. As she leaves, the thunder and lightning stop. The skies are blue again and everything is back to normal. Well, aside from the fact that there is still a talking cat and a lesbian teddy bear in the store.
Randall: That was the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.
Jay: Yo, that was better than trippin'.
Silent Bob: You know, it occurs to me that we weren't sent here to change anything at all. Obviously the evil redhead witch isn't interested in that creepy vagina. That was never going to change at all. I think our own misdoings and wayward steps off of the paths that were chosen for us due to searching for something more in this rubix cube of life culminated in being witness to the fact that we really don't have it that bad. We just watched the dreams of a misguided lesbian end in sadness because she placed all of her eggs into one basket. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. At the end of the day, we're all fucked up. Maybe we just needed to see that stepping outside of it all doesn't make things any better. It's just a different version of fucked up.
He shrugs and everyone looks at him.
Randall: He actually talks?
Jay: Yo that's that wisdom shit. Tubby comes out with some of the most mind boggling shit some times. I love it man. Anyway, I got me a new fuck toy. I'll see you bitches later.
Jay collects a sobbing Lilith the lesbian Teddy bear and heads into the bathroom as he whispers perverted nothings into her ear ... well ok, not so much whispered. Everyone hears it.
Jay: I'm gonna fuck you in the front ... I'm gonna fuck you in the back. We're even gonna go ass to mouth. That's right BooBooKittyFuck ... we're gonna get wild and nasty!
Lilith Lesbo Teddy: Nooooooooooo! Help! Help! Heeeelllllpppp!
Randall: That's almost fitting in a very sad and pathetic kind of way.
Silent Bob nods as the two watch Jay disappear to the back. Mr. Fluffykins emerges from behind the counter now after being spared ... or maybe just further punished to live as a talking cat. He is very distraught.
Mr. FluffyKins: Now I'll never be human again! What am I going to do?!
Randall isn't listening as something just outside the door catches his eye. A tiny suitcase with the name "Mr. Fluffykins" written on it sits near the front door. Randall heads over and picks it up, opening it.
Randall: Why were we helping you anyway?
Mr. FluffyKins: No, don't look in there! Please!
Randall ruffles around in the small suitcase and finds a picture inside. The picture is of one Terry "Synn" Roberts. Randall actually jumps back a bit.
Randall: Holy crap, is that you as a person ... or what the hell kind of Halloween costume is that?!
Mr. FluffyKins: Yes, that is my former self.
Randall: You're better off now, pal. Trust me, you being a cat is the closest you were ever gonna get to pussy.
Dante finally lets everything settle in as to what all just happened. He slinks down at the counter, a defeated tone in his voice.
Dante: I wasn't even supposed to be here today!
We fade away from the Quick Stop and the mysterious forests of Narnia as "Wild Horses" seems to play out of nowhere. Jay is finished with his first of many romps with Lilith the lesbian teddy bear. He and Silent Bob just enjoy the mysterious music as it fills the land.
Back in the hotel room, Angie is all smiles, clapping with laughter at the very odd story that was just told. Sarah seems relieved that it was now over and that she wouldn't have to make up any more fairy tales with weird lesbian tedddy bears and talking cats.
Angie: That story was awesome! Just like the movies I watch.
Sarah: Well, it was just a bunch of bullshit. A bunch of nonsensical crap for a nonsensical twit who has no idea what the fuck she is doing.
Angie: You must really hate lesbians, huh?
Sarah smirks.
Sarah: I could care less if she's a dyke. This week is about making sure that every last member of the roster understands that things are NOT going to be the way that they've grown accustomed to with frightened little bitches like Eric and Seth calling the shots. I made things clear with Ana and with Jakobs. I've made them clear with the matches that I have scheduled. I do not seek money and power like Seth, and I do not need to pretend to rule things from behind a suit such as Eric. I made it very clear that I will handle things myself. Every last one of them are worthless to me. When they are forced to endure what they endure, it is because I remind them that I don't give a shit about them. And if anyone thinks that I am not willing to personally make them suffer, they are sadly mistaken. Lilith just happened to be in my way at the wrong fucking time and pissed me off. She is going to serve as an example to the entire roster. Everyone should know by now exactly who I am and what I am capable of. Apparently, some have forgotten ... and they are going to get a wake up call. It doesn't matter if it is Lilith, or Ana or any of these other fucking wastes of space. People are going to understand that in MY WCF, I decide who lives and who dies. Every last one of them better get fucking used to it.
As she finishes her statement, Sarah notices something as she rises from her seat. She peers out of the window to see that the rain has stopped and the sun is shining through. She taps Angie on the shoulder and smiles a bit.
Sarah: Alright, time to go do something instead of being stuck in here talking about people who don't matter. You'll get to see the aftermath of what I have in store tomorrow when we head to the show.
Angie: Awesome! We finally get to do something outside!
Angie looks at Sarah and shakes her head a bit as she hops up from her seat excitedly.
Angie: And you're right ... I don't wanna talk about Lilith the lesbian any more either. She's stupid.
The two redheads laugh a bit as they gather some things together to head out and find something to do. Our scene fades out.
Seattle, Washington
Saturday, October 19th 2013
Seattle is probably about the most depressing place on Earth. It rains more often there than just about anywhere else in the United States. It is for this very reason that we find WCF Owner Sarah Twilight cooped up in her hotel suite. The stunning redhead is wearing a white crop top embroidered with the words "The Only One" across the chest, a pair of light blue denim jeans and a pair of socks as she paces back and forth along the soft plush carpeting of her suite. She is currently on the phone with someone, handling WCF business as had been the norm for her since taking over the company. As she carries on her conversation, her youngest sister Angie sits impatiently on one of the arm chairs in the room. The teenage redhead full of energy and wanting to do something. But with the pouring rain outside, the choices were limited.
Sarah: I don't give a shit what they want. I have made my decisions and that's it.
Sarah continues on the phone and by the narrowed eyes and scowl upon her face, it was obvious that she was growing very tired of the direction of the conversation.
Sarah: No. Case closed. I don't want to hear another fucking word about it. ... I said not another fucking word. Conversation over.
She hangs up the phone and tosses it onto the bed, shaking her head in disgust.
Angie: Sarah?
Sarah looks toward her younger sister, still in a foul mood.
Sarah: Yes, Angie? What is it?
Angie frowns a bit, not wanting to upset the sister she looked up to so much.
Angie: I'm sorry Sarah. I wasn't trying to bother you. I know you've had a long day.
Sarah shakes her head, sighing heavily as she gives her full attention to her sister now.
Sarah: No. You're not bothering me. I would just rather be spending my time somewhere other than this shithole city.
Angie nods and giggles a bit.
Angie: Yeah, there's nothing to do at all.
Sarah shrugs her shoulders, still annoyed at being stuck at the hotel and unable to go and do something worthwhile.
Sarah: I suppose we could go down to the fitness center again?
Angie shakes her head vehemently.
Angie: We've been there three times already! I don't like to do that as much as you do.
Sarah: Well I don't think there are many options, Angie. I told you this wasn't a good week for tagging along at the show. You'd have been much happier back in L.A. with Rachel.
Angie: I don't even like California. And I wanted to see you wrestle.
Sarah nods her head as she takes a seat in an arm chair across from Angie. She folds her hands on her lap and the expression on her face says "Welp, I'm out of ideas."
Sarah: Slam isn't until tomorrow ... sooooo, I have no idea what we're doing until then.
Angie looks as though she has an idea. With excitement she is restless in her seat.
Angie: How about you tell me that story again? The one you told me last week?
Sarah raises a brow.
Sarah: You mean ...
Angie: The one about the lesbian.
Sarah laughs, shaking her head.
Sarah: Why would you want to hear that again?
Angie: Because, lesbians are funny. A girl liking another girl is gross. And that lesbian girl in the story was gross, but so stupid. So it was really funny.
Sarah laughs again as she nods her head in agreement.
Sarah: Yes, lesbians are nasty. I'm glad that you understand that. But, I don't think I can even remember whatever story I told you. I probably just made it up as I went along.
Angie: So? Make up another one!
Sarah thinks a moment as she looks around the room. There on the entertainment stand were a few of the movies Angie had brought along. Sarah takes note of the titles. She smiles looking back at Angie.
Sarah: Alright, sure. We don't have anything better to do right now anyway.
Angie is full of glee as she folds her legs underneath her and sits in the arm chair Indian style. Her attention on Sarah fully.
Sarah: In a far off place called ... Narnia ... where the trees extend as far as the eye can see, and lush meadows and blooming fields wrap the rest of the Earth ...
As Sarah speaks, Angie begins to envision the place being described. This place was full of beauty. Chirping birds, galloping deer, butterflies fluttering about. The blossoming flowers giving off the sweet scent of life that Angie can almost smell right now. In the middle of a clearing deep within the lively forest sits a Quick Stop convenience store. Yes, there is a Quick Stop in Narnia ... because, why not? Inside of the store, a disgruntled pair of clerks fuss over the days happenings. We'll call them ... Dante and Randall.
Dante: The coffee maker is shot, half the register keys don't work ... they didn't deliver the newspapers, and the worst part of it all? I wasn't even supposed to be here today!
Randall: Oh stop the whining. That's just like you Dante. Never taking responsibility for your own choices. You weren't supposed to be here? Yet you're here and that, my friend was a decision left all to you. You could have easily declined, or simply not have answered that beckoning call to ride forth into battle with the one place you most desperately loathe and yet you chose to do so. You are your own worst enemy.
Dante: Oh spare me the lecture. It's already ten o'clock and you haven't even opened the video store yet. As if you enjoyed your choice of careers any more than I enjoy mine?
Randall: I ssee things in a glass half full perspective my friend. I figure if I'm going to be stuck at the video store all day, why not make the most of it?
Dante: So you come here to torture me. Gee thanks.
As the two bicker back and forth a pair of men comes bursting through the door. Both of them wearing trenchcoats and hats. One is a skinny man with long blonde hair. The other a heavier set man with long dark hair and a full beard. We'll call these two ... Jay and Silent Bob. The two of them look like they've seen a ghost. Dante doesn't look pleased to see them.
Dante: How many times to I have to tell you stoners to stay out of here?
Jay: Hey watch your fucking mouth! Shit just got all Green Acres out there!
Silent Bob nods his head and points at Jay, confirming what he was saying.
Randall: What are you two rattling on about?
Jay: Yo, fatass and I were out back by the dumpsters lighting a fatty. Sparked that shit up good too. Almost like sucking a dick ... oooh yeah baby.
Silent Bob looks oddly at Jay. Jay looks back at him.
Jay: I do not suck dicks! You suck the dick.
Dante: ALRIGHT! Get on with it!
Jay: Yo, calm your shit.
He and Silent Bob look offended. Jay continues.
Jay: Anyway, I was out there with this tub of fat smoking some of the good shit when tubby decided to change the boom box to AM ...
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: I didn't touch that shit. Don't look at me like that, it was you!
Silent Bob: ... !!!
Jay: Ok maybe I accidentally changed to AM. The point is, two passes of the blunt later and we're surrounded by fucking trees and shit. It's like a fucking jungle out there. I think I saw Bigfoot or some shit.
Silent Bob nods his head in agreement.
Randall: O-kay ... the two of you have completely lost it.
Dante: I don't need this! Go, just go ... and don't bother any of the customers.
Jay: Customers? Yo, you might get a fucking elephant or some shit, but there ain't gonna be any customers.
Dante: Oh for Pete's sake!
Dante comes around from behind the counter to escort Jay and Silent Bob from the store. As he opens the door to show them out he sees that his small town is long gone and indeed, there was a jungle ... or a forest outside.
Dante: Oh my God, I'm losing it too! This job is getting to me, I knew it.
Randall: Nah man, I see it too. What the hell happened?
As they discuss what could possibly be going on, a black cat walks into the store and makes Dante nearly jump out of his skin. We'll call the black cat Mr. Fluffykins.
Mr. FluffyKins: Hello good friends.
Jay: Yo, that pussy just talked!
Silent Bob: ...
Yes, Mr. Fluffykins is a talking black cat ... because, fuck lions. Talking black cats are better. Have you not ever seen Sabrina?
Dante: Talking cats? Forests outside. Ugh! I wasn't even supposed to be here today.
Randall: Holy crap ... cat people are real!
Mr. FluffyKins: I do realize this is a bit to take in. But I am here because I need your help.
Jay: I ain't fucking it. No way, that is one pussy I want no part of.
Dante: Help you? Help you how?
Mr. FluffyKins: Well you see, just outside of the forests of Narnia there is a dark, evil mountain where a witch resides. That witch has turned me into a cat and banished me from all of civilization. I need you to help my lesbian friend fuck that witch to break the spell and return me to my former self.
Jay: Talking pussies, lesbians ... I'm in heaven!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: You damn right fatty!
Dante: You want us to help a lesbian sleep with a witch? Why do I have the feeling this is not a good idea? I assume this witch isn't interested?
Randall: What are you Mother Teresa? It's a witch, who cares if she's interested? Obviously we've been transported to some alternate universe where talking cats are the essence of all that is our purpose. We've been chosen to crawl out from the primordial stew that we call existence where being a convenience store clerk is no longer our solitary obligation and we have been granted the opportunity to throw our hats over the wall for the greater good.
Dante: I am not listening to you Randall. Every time that I do, I end up regretting it. Why are we the "chosen" ones anyway?
Mr. FluffyKins: I saw your temple appear in the clearing. It was a sign.
Jay: I knew AM radio was good for something!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: What? We're gonna get to see some dyke action. Two hot bitches jamming there fingers all up in that snatch. Licking each other dry ... I got a hard on right now. Come 'ere tubby, handle this shit for me.
Silent Bob gets in a defensive pose, ready to hit Jay.
Jay: Oh come, you know you love it.
Mr. FluffyKins: About that hot "bitches" thing ... the witch, very attractive ... the lesbian ... well she resembles the walking dead on a permanent case of depression.
Jay: Does it have titties? I'll still fuck it.
Dante: Jay, being lesbian means she isn't interested in men.
Jay: She just hasn't met me yet. I will command that clit. I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: Hell no tubby, you like the cock.
As they continue to talk, the door to the store opens again and the bells above jingle. A woman walks into the Quick Stop. She is dressed all in black, with some fucked up Lee press on nails that are splotchy with black polish, a very bad Milli - Vanilli haircut and about ten gallons of eye shadow that make her eyes look as though they are floating in her skull. Jay screams like a girl as he sees this horrific, disgusting and very ugly sight and jumps into Silent Bob's arms. Silent Bob drops him and backs away. Mr. Fluffykins sighs as he looks to the foursome of losers.
Mr. FluffyKins: As you can see, this is going to be quite the task. I would like you all to meet Lilith the lesbian.
Randall: That's a lesbian? I thought it was a dude.
Dante: This day couldn't get any worse.
Mr. FluffyKins: I assure you, Lilith is indeed a lesbian ... somewhere under all of that emo makeup.
Randall: My juvenille fantasies of pure girl on girl romp arounds have been permanently ruined. Though I guess she's kinda cute if you take away the caked on eye shadow.
Dante: You would say something like that.
Randall: What? I am a firm believer that even the ugly chicks need a little Randall in their lives. I am actually kinda intrigued.
Jay: Yo, that's a fucking she-beast. I bet she does the kinky shit like going ass to mouth.
Dante: That's disgusting. You never go ass to mouth.
Randall: You've never gone ass to mouth?
Dante: No!
Jay: That's cause Dante's a bitch.
Jay looks at Lilith and tries to get all suave.
Jay: Hey there crazy bitch from hell. I'm thinking you, me and a whole lot of rocking. Ima call you BooBooKittyFuck.
Lilith looks at Jay and laughs.
Lilith: I am not looking for little boys. I just want to be reunited with my beloved.
Randall is very intrigued at this point and he leans against the counter near Lilith.
Randall: Your beloved? I'm guessing you're talking about that witch the talking cat had mentioned?
Lilith: Mmhmm. Sarah is the love of my life.
Randall: You ever do it?
Lilith: What?
Randall: Come on, tell us ... you ever have a crack at her snatch or what?
Lilith: That's a personal question.
Randall: Hey, if we're supposed to help you get down and dirty with the chick, the least you can do is tell us if you two have ever gotten nasty before? Pictures would be most appreciated.
Lilith: If you MUST know, Sarah and I would have had sex already but we can't.
Randall: Why not?
Lilith: It's because of Pillowpants. Sarah says she would totally have sex with me, but that if I stick my fingers inside of her, Pillowpants will bite them off.
Randall/Dante/Jay/SilentBob: ...
Lilith: Pillowpants is her pussy troll?
Blanks stares from all of them.
Randall: O--kay.
Lilith: Oh stop. I could have Sarah whenever I want.
Randall: Sure you can ... and I'm the King of England.
Lilith: Pleasure to meet you, your majesty.
Jay: Yo, this bitch is a few sandwiches short of a full picnic basket.
Lilith laughs again. She doesn't even understand that she's been insulted.
Lilith: Oh you're sooo funny. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a fiery redhead who's panties I must get into.
At this point you could hear a pin drop and crickets chirping as everyone in the room stares at Lilith with dead silence. It takes a few moments for Randall to finally be the one to speak up.
Randall: So you want us to help you fuck a witch ... who is a redhead? Now that's just crazy. We'd have a better chance storming the Death Star and taking intergalactic control of the universe.
Silent Bob: ... !!! !!! !!!
Jay: I agree with tubby, this shit is fucked up.
Lilith: Oh come on, she's a sexy redhead witch!
Randall: Helping crazy zombie chicks sleep with redhead witches who turn dudes into cats and live on evil mountains is not part of my job description lady.
Mr. FluffyKins: You said you'd help me!
Jay: You didn't say it was a redhead witch. Fuck that. Helping a black pussy help a pale pussy get into a red pussy. Yo, that is like the type of shit that would blow the world up. No sir, we are having no part of that.
As they speak, the skies grow dark as thunder and lightning suddenly pound the landscape. Mr. Fluffykins looks terrified as the rest of the group looks on in confusion.
Mr. FluffyKins: She's found us! We're doomed!
Lilith: My beloved has come to be with me!
Out through the sky, the lot of them see a figure traveling toward the Quick Stop at lightning speed. It is of course, a witch ... on a broom flying through the sky. Why a broom? Well why not? Lilith probably believes all of this hocus pocus bullshit anyway. So in this scenario, Sarah the redhead witch is flying through the sky on a broom ... and we'll go ahead and say she's wearing one of those pointy witch hats to boot!
Randall: I think I should go make sure the video store is open.
Dante: Oh no you don't. You're going to stay here with the rest of us.
Jay: Yo, I got this. Let me at her! Let me at her!
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: I ain't scared.
The front windows of the store blow out in Hollywood fashion sending glass everywhere and the whipping winds and rain of the violent storm outside enter the store. Jay screams again like a girl and runs and ducks behind one of the shelves. Everyone in the store backs up considerably. Finally, Sarah the redhead witch lands right at the doorstep of the Quick Stop. An evil smirk upon her face. Everyone in the store is terrified, except for Lilith who stands there with her arms wide open, smiling like an idiot.
Lilith: Sarah! I knew you loved me. I knew we'd be together forever!
As Sarah walks into the store, she shoves Lilith out of the way and scans the room with her emerald green eyes.
Sarah: Where is the cat?
Randall, Dante, Jay and Silent Bob all point behind the counter where Mr. Fluffykins was hiding. Sarah swaggers arrogantly around the counter to find a trembling feline, cowering in the corner.
Mr. FluffyKins: I didn't do anything. I swear it!
Sarah grabs the cat by his tail and hauls him up.
Sarah: You are still trying to help that pathetic dyke get into my panties, aren't you?
Mr. FluffyKins: No, I would never --
Jay: Yo, that pussy was all about getting us to help that pale bitch get all up in that snatch. He said you two were gonna fuck ... fuck nasty
Jay starts humping the side of the aisle as he very descriptively tattles on Mr. Fluffykins. Sarah shakes her head in disgust, and Mr. Fluffykins clenches his eyes shut. Sarah simply drops the cat and smirks.
Sarah: Right now as we speak, that repugnant dyke is shoving her fingers into that dry, cobweb infested void between her legs that she calls a cunt. She dreams about me because she wishes she could be like me. She wishes that anything about her pathetic existence ever mattered.
Sure enough Lilith the lesbian was over in the corner with her hand down her own pants, moaning. Sarah rolls her eyes and has seen enough. Jay is mesmerized watching Lilith. Silent Bob covers his eyes. Dante and Randall don't want to watch, but can't look away.
Sarah: This charade of yours ends you disgusting bitch.
With a wiggle of the nose ... yes a wiggle of the nose, because why not go the Bewitched route? It's better than a wand or some chant, right? So anyway ... with a wiggle of her nose, Sarah transforms Lilith the lesbian into ... a teddy bear! Makes sense, right? The crazy bitch loves her teddy bears, so why not just turn her into one? Lilith the lesbian teddy bear realized something is quite different now as she no longer has any fingers to shove up into where that ratchety twat used to be. Lilith the lesbian teddy bear screams in horror.
Lilith Lesbo Teddy: Nooooooooooooooooooo! I can't pleasure myself to thoughts of my beloved anymore! WHY? WHYYYYYY would you do this to me?!
Sarah: Oh shut the fuck up you stupid twit.
Jay: Yo, is a twit like a twat or is it more like a clit? Cause clits are fucking awesome. I AM THE CLIT COMMAND --
Sarah: YOU, shut the fuck up as well.
Jay: Well damn, you don't gotta be all bossy and shit.
Lilith the lesbian teddy bear starts crying and pleading because she is alone, and now unable to ever find the love that she sought. The harsh reality sets in that ... well being a stupid dyke just doesn't pay off. Sarah cackles evilly as she walks out from the Quick Stop. She gets back onto her broom and flies off into the sky. As she leaves, the thunder and lightning stop. The skies are blue again and everything is back to normal. Well, aside from the fact that there is still a talking cat and a lesbian teddy bear in the store.
Randall: That was the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.
Jay: Yo, that was better than trippin'.
Silent Bob: You know, it occurs to me that we weren't sent here to change anything at all. Obviously the evil redhead witch isn't interested in that creepy vagina. That was never going to change at all. I think our own misdoings and wayward steps off of the paths that were chosen for us due to searching for something more in this rubix cube of life culminated in being witness to the fact that we really don't have it that bad. We just watched the dreams of a misguided lesbian end in sadness because she placed all of her eggs into one basket. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. At the end of the day, we're all fucked up. Maybe we just needed to see that stepping outside of it all doesn't make things any better. It's just a different version of fucked up.
He shrugs and everyone looks at him.
Randall: He actually talks?
Jay: Yo that's that wisdom shit. Tubby comes out with some of the most mind boggling shit some times. I love it man. Anyway, I got me a new fuck toy. I'll see you bitches later.
Jay collects a sobbing Lilith the lesbian Teddy bear and heads into the bathroom as he whispers perverted nothings into her ear ... well ok, not so much whispered. Everyone hears it.
Jay: I'm gonna fuck you in the front ... I'm gonna fuck you in the back. We're even gonna go ass to mouth. That's right BooBooKittyFuck ... we're gonna get wild and nasty!
Lilith Lesbo Teddy: Nooooooooooo! Help! Help! Heeeelllllpppp!
Randall: That's almost fitting in a very sad and pathetic kind of way.
Silent Bob nods as the two watch Jay disappear to the back. Mr. Fluffykins emerges from behind the counter now after being spared ... or maybe just further punished to live as a talking cat. He is very distraught.
Mr. FluffyKins: Now I'll never be human again! What am I going to do?!
Randall isn't listening as something just outside the door catches his eye. A tiny suitcase with the name "Mr. Fluffykins" written on it sits near the front door. Randall heads over and picks it up, opening it.
Randall: Why were we helping you anyway?
Mr. FluffyKins: No, don't look in there! Please!
Randall ruffles around in the small suitcase and finds a picture inside. The picture is of one Terry "Synn" Roberts. Randall actually jumps back a bit.
Randall: Holy crap, is that you as a person ... or what the hell kind of Halloween costume is that?!
Mr. FluffyKins: Yes, that is my former self.
Randall: You're better off now, pal. Trust me, you being a cat is the closest you were ever gonna get to pussy.
Dante finally lets everything settle in as to what all just happened. He slinks down at the counter, a defeated tone in his voice.
Dante: I wasn't even supposed to be here today!
We fade away from the Quick Stop and the mysterious forests of Narnia as "Wild Horses" seems to play out of nowhere. Jay is finished with his first of many romps with Lilith the lesbian teddy bear. He and Silent Bob just enjoy the mysterious music as it fills the land.
Back in the hotel room, Angie is all smiles, clapping with laughter at the very odd story that was just told. Sarah seems relieved that it was now over and that she wouldn't have to make up any more fairy tales with weird lesbian tedddy bears and talking cats.
Angie: That story was awesome! Just like the movies I watch.
Sarah: Well, it was just a bunch of bullshit. A bunch of nonsensical crap for a nonsensical twit who has no idea what the fuck she is doing.
Angie: You must really hate lesbians, huh?
Sarah smirks.
Sarah: I could care less if she's a dyke. This week is about making sure that every last member of the roster understands that things are NOT going to be the way that they've grown accustomed to with frightened little bitches like Eric and Seth calling the shots. I made things clear with Ana and with Jakobs. I've made them clear with the matches that I have scheduled. I do not seek money and power like Seth, and I do not need to pretend to rule things from behind a suit such as Eric. I made it very clear that I will handle things myself. Every last one of them are worthless to me. When they are forced to endure what they endure, it is because I remind them that I don't give a shit about them. And if anyone thinks that I am not willing to personally make them suffer, they are sadly mistaken. Lilith just happened to be in my way at the wrong fucking time and pissed me off. She is going to serve as an example to the entire roster. Everyone should know by now exactly who I am and what I am capable of. Apparently, some have forgotten ... and they are going to get a wake up call. It doesn't matter if it is Lilith, or Ana or any of these other fucking wastes of space. People are going to understand that in MY WCF, I decide who lives and who dies. Every last one of them better get fucking used to it.
As she finishes her statement, Sarah notices something as she rises from her seat. She peers out of the window to see that the rain has stopped and the sun is shining through. She taps Angie on the shoulder and smiles a bit.
Sarah: Alright, time to go do something instead of being stuck in here talking about people who don't matter. You'll get to see the aftermath of what I have in store tomorrow when we head to the show.
Angie: Awesome! We finally get to do something outside!
Angie looks at Sarah and shakes her head a bit as she hops up from her seat excitedly.
Angie: And you're right ... I don't wanna talk about Lilith the lesbian any more either. She's stupid.
The two redheads laugh a bit as they gather some things together to head out and find something to do. Our scene fades out.