Post by Jonny Fly on Sept 29, 2013 14:35:10 GMT -5
Jonny Fly paces back and forth in his bedroom. He stops. He stares at the closet.
Fly: No. I won’t do it.
Fly paces again. Back and forth he goes. He stops. He stares at the closet.
Fly: It’s just not logical.
More pacing. More stopping. More staring.
Fly: I bet you it wouldn’t even help. No, what am I talking about, I don’t need help anyway.
Paceasaurus. Stopasauras. Stareasauras.
Fly: Oh, fuck it. What the hell.
Fly walks over to his closet and opens the door. A silver shimmer catches our eye. It’s the steel encasement of the one, the only, the motherfuckin’ Boudlebot. Fly pushes aside clothes that are hanging in his way and reaches behind the boudlemaster and turns him on. The robot’s eyes immediately light up and he begins pelvic thrusting uncontrollably.
Fly: Whoa, easy there buddy.
Fly reaches back behind Boudlebot and turns down his ‘personality’ setting. At this point, it’s probably appropriate for some backstory. The Boudlebot was created during the Pantheon days by Kid Phantasm and Johnny Reb. It’s a robot outfitted with Logan’s exact personality. The Boudlebot was thought to have been ‘decommissioned’ by Fly after Phantasm and Reb’s leave from the company almost a year ago. Instead, here he is, alive (sort of) and well. Boudlebot’s rollers spring to action and he accelerates out of the closet into the bedroom.
Boudlebot: SHUT UP!
Fly: I didn’t say anything.
Boudlebot: Oh. I was just making sure my vocal programming still works.
Fly: Okay.
Boudlebot: It does.
Fly: It does what?
Boudlebot: It still works, silly.
Fly: Okay.
Boudlebot: You want to go talk to snakes?
Fly: Not really. Actually, I had hoped you would help me with something.
Boudlebot: NO.
Fly: Oh come on, just hear me out. You’ve won War three separate times. Err, well, Logan has won War three times. I’ve never even been in the damn match. I thought maybe you would have some insight to share with me on what it takes to win.
Boudlebot: Oh, my little Flygina. How dare you use me for my intellect when my body is so damn voluptuous!
Boudlebot does a quick pelvic thrust to accentuate his point.
Fly: You’re a robot.
Boudlebot: Oh yeah? Could a robot do this?
Boudlebot twirls around on his robot wheels.
Fly: I stand corrected. You’re a princess.
Boudlebot: That’s right. WAIT…what?
Fly: What do you say; do you want to help me out?
Boudlebot: Hmmph. If I said no you would probably throw me back in that closet.
Fly: Then it’s decided.
Boudlebot: How do you want to do this?
Fly: I’m thinking we just go through each one of the wrestlers and you tell me what you think about them, give me any strategies you might have, that type of thing.
Boudlebot: No, that’s lame. Mr. WCF doesn’t do lame.
Fly: Once upon a time you tried to rape Steve Orbit.
Boudlebot: That wasn’t ME.
Fly: Oh, right. Alright, so if that doesn’t appease you, what is your suggestion?
Boudlebot: We use the holographic engine in my software to project ourselves into a simulated environment that is more appropriate for this discussion.
Fly: So, you said a lot of words there and I, uh, you know…
Boudlebot: Oh, just grab my hand.
Fly: Alright, but remember, I’m not black or a redhead. Don’t try anything.
Fly grabs Boudlebot’s arm and our scene immediately transforms. Fly and Boudlebot are now standing next to a hot dog cart whoknowsthefuckwhere. It looks like what I would describe as ‘Main Street USA.’ It appears as a nice quiet little town with shops and house, plush green lawns, that sort of thing. Boudlebot rolls up to the hot dog cart.
Boudlehot: One jumbo hotdog please. Make it treacherous, Sally.
Vendor: Uh….
Boudlebot: SHUT UP!
…
Boudlebot: Hey Fly, you mind covering for me? I don’t have any cash.
Fly: Maybe you should try to peddle some of your old DVD’s?
Boudlebot: What a great idea!
Fly laughs and shakes his head. He’s completely confused on where he is or why in the fuck hot dogs are being purchased in this simulation. Still, he pulls out a wallet and hands five dollars to the hot dog vendor. Boudlebot takes possession of his jumbo hot dog and devours it instantaneously.
Fly: So…what the hell are we doing here?
Boudlebot: FIRST LESSON, flybaby. If you want to win War, make sure you have fuel. It’s a long match, so my strategy has always been to eat as many hot dogs as possible beforehand. Sometimes I even brought a couple out in my tights in case I needed to power-up during the match.
Fly: Wait, I thought we were going to talk about the competition?
Boudlebot: Don’t you know where we are?
Fly: ….no.
Boudlebot: How many times have I beaten you?
Fly: None.
Boudlebot: Oh. No wonder. This is Connector City!
Fly: I thought you had to get a ticket to come here?
Boudlebot: Oh, right.
Boudlebot kicks Fly in the shin.
Boudlebot: There’s your ticket. Welcome to Connector City.
Fly: OW, FUCKER. Why the hell are we in Connector City?
Boudlebot: Because this is where you can find everyone who is going to be in War, duh. Look, right over there is Adam Young. A Connector City regular!
Adam Young is in the middle of the street trying to convince some random dude to start a tag-team with him.
Boudlebot: My future predicting engine tells me that in three days’ time Sarah Twilight will receive an application from ‘The Random Young Dudes’ asking to compete as a tag-team.
Fly: Ugh.
Boudlebot: I know. Anyway, don’t worry about Young. We don’t even need to talk about him. Come with me.
Boudlebot and Fly leave the hot dog vendor and roll/walk down the street. They come to a church, the only church in Connector City. Fly and Boudley enter and are immediately greeted by the sight of Steeltoe Joe banging out a sermon at the front of the church.
Boudlebot: It’s been a good year for Steeltoe Joe. You have to watch out for guys like this. War is a statement match, and while there are always the favorites, sometimes it’s the Jeff Purses who win - if you know what I mean. Joe has some skills, but he’s struggled outside of the Peoples Title realm. For that reason he’s likely going to want to let everyone else do the heavy lifting for him. He’ll play it back, and do whatever dastardly things he needs to do to survive. Those guys are annoying. They need a first-class ticket to Connector City as soon as possible. Don’t let this guy hang around for too long. Also, never underestimate a guy who has the lord on his side…or has steel toes. Truthfully, I wouldn’t underestimate anything made of steel…like robots…for example.
Fly: So, don’t let Joe hang around and poach eliminations off people. Get rid of him as soon as possible, noted.
Boudlebot: Good, let’s get out of here before they realize I have an erection.
Fly: Wait, what?
Boudlebot ignores Fly and instead rolls past him and exits the church back onto the main drag of Connector City. Back on the road, the robot proceeds directly across the street to the Connector City Bakery. He rolls up to the door…and stops.
Boudlebot: A little help.
Poor Boudley. He’s too short to reach the door handle. Fly opens the door for him and Boudlebot proceeds to the counter. He speaks to the clerk.
Boudlebot: Three dozen coffee cakes, please!
Fly shakes his head in disbelief.
Fly: I thought we were talking about War. All you want to do is eat.
Boudlebot: Take a look around, flyboy.
As we look we notice a thick fog in the air, or at least what we think is fog. Then we see Waylon Cash in a corner booth smoking a blunt.
Boudlebot: Connector City’s bakery is also a place where…people can get baked! Personally, I prefer being clean cut. I just come here for the coffee cakes.
Boudlebot is presented with three boxes of coffee cakes.
Boudlebot: Uh, Fly…
Fly: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Fly walks up to the counter and pays for the coffee cakes. He turns around to see Boudlebot has already eaten an entire box.
Boudlebot: Sshow, wlere war wle?
His mouth seems to be full.
Fly: Waylon Cash.
Boudlebot: Ah, right. Waylon Cash is the type that despite his laid back persona…
Fly and Boudlebot take another look over to Cash as he takes a long drag from the blunt.
Boudlebot: …he’s really a fiery competitor. He’s looking for his big break, his big chance to breakthrough. Since his original World Title win last year, he’s had other chances to get the belt back, but he’s slipped up. With each set back, he’s become hungrier. The wrestlers who are the hungriest win War. It’s that simple. Speaking of hungry…
Boudlebot shoves two more coffee cakes into his mouth.
Boudlebot: I’m always hungry. I always want to prove myself to doubters. I nearly killed myself last time I won War trying to beat that boudle Slickie T. There are exceptions, like me, but in general the hungriest wrestlers are the ones trying to rise to the top of the mountain for the first time, or the ones who’ve got there a while ago and are desperate to get back. Waylon Cash falls into the latter.
Fly: So you think Cash is a threat?
Boudlebot: I think that Waylon Cash is hungry. I’ll leave it at that.
On their way out of the bakery Boudlebot hands Waylon Cash a coffee cake.
Boudlebot: This should help with that hunger…and the munchies.
Boudlebot and Fly walk back out onto the street. They continue down the street until...they spot a trash can. It’s just a normal trash can. It’s galvanized steel, normal sized, with a lid. Boudlebot get furious. He turns his thrusters on (not his pelvic thrusters, his speed thrusters) and rolls full speed ahead and tackles the trash can.
Boudlebot: Take that you trash can!
But wait! Someone emerges from inside the trash can. It’s Eric Price, and he has a noticeable wet spot on his crotch. He notices it the same time as Fly and Boudlebot.
Boudlebot: HAHA! What happened there Price, did your wee-wee need to water the pants…get it…pants instead of plants?!
Eric Price: I DEMAND RESPECT!
Boudlebot: Respect this!
Boudley throws down a wicked pelvic thrust and Eric Price runs away in terror.
Fly: So…that just happened.
Boudlebot: Let me tell you how you beat Eric Price. You give a measuring stick and you pull out your jumbo hotdog of treachery and you tell that trash can…
Fly: Stop! Seriously, control yourself.
Boudlebot: OR WHAT?
Fly: I’ll take away you coffee cakes.
Boudlebot: …
Fly: I’m not kidding either.
Boudlebot: Stop being such a bitch, Seth.
Fly: What? I’m not Seth.
Boudlebot: Sorry, it’s my programming. Sometimes I arbitrarily call all of the people I love Seth.
Fly: Whatever. So, about Eric Price.
Boudlebot: Alright, so Eric Price was the runner-up in last year’s War. During my ‘wig phase’ last year, I faced off against pee-pee Price in War. He’s crafty. Very devious. I suggest matching treachery with, well, treachery. Do whatever it takes to get rid of Price, no matter the cost. He nearly beat Jeff Purse last year. It hurts when you get that close. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth. Proceed with caution. Also, maybe bring a squirt gun. A couple of squirts in the no-no region and you might get him out of his element.
Fly: That’s…good advice, I guess.
Boudlebot: Of course it is. Nobody knows War like me! Now, come on, I have something else to show you.
Boudlebot leads Fly further down the street. A building named ‘Connector City Fan Gear’ appears on our right. Boudlebot rolls toward it. Fly opens the door for him and the two enter the store. We’re immediately greeted with racks upon racks of clothes featuring various Logan catchphrases. However, it’s not the Logan catchphrases that interest Boudlebot. He heads toward the back of the store where there is a display of tee-shirts designed and copyrighted by FPV. Boudlebot grabs a shirt from the rack and holds it up. It’s the famous #ROYSPEEDEISABOULDE shirt.
Fly: That shirt always way a bit prophetic.
Boudlebot: Roy Speede is a boudle, and thankfully he has come to that realization. However, he did, somewhat miraculously, still finish in the final four of last year’s War. Let me tell you something about Roy Speede, he’s trying to turn himself into a ‘big match only’ wrestler. He comes back around when it’s of the greatest gain to him. He’s never been one to put in the work for an extended stay at the top, and thus, a match like War doesn’t suit him. At the end of the day, Roy Speede will hang around for a bit, but he doesn’t have the heart and the passion that it takes to win this match.
“Uh, you guys talking about me?”
Boom. It’s Roy Speede.
Fly: Holy shit, Roy Speede. What are you doing here?
Speede: I work here. This is my life, Fly. I sell Logan shirts for a living.
Boudlebot: What a boudle.
Speede: FUCK OFF!
Fly: Speede, why are you always so angry?
Speede: Look at the shirt he’s holding up, that’s why.
Fly: Because you’re a boudle?
Speede: *Sigh*
Boudlebot: My sensory detector tells me that on one hand Speede is sad that he’s been such a colossal waste of space in his wrestling career. On the other hand, he’s jealous that his friend FPV has been so successful. He’s a former World Champion, he’s beloved, and he has a successful line of tee-shirts that Speede makes minimum wage selling. That leaves Speede to just hop in and out of the company, picking when and where to show us all that…he’s still a midcarder.
Fly laughs.
Fly: Oh, Speede. You poor thing.
Speede: Whatever. I’m going back to work.
Fly: Ring me up one of these tee-shirts, would you?
Fly grabs the #ROYSPEEDEISABOUDLE tee-shirt from Boudlebot and hands it to Speede who dejectedly rings it up. Fly then presents it back to Boudlebot who puts it on as the two of them exit the store.
Boudlebot: So, what did we learn in there?
Fly: Let’s see, Roy Speede isn’t a threat and FPV might be?
Boudlebot: Exactly! Let’s continue. I know just where to go next. We’re going to the House of Treachery!
Fly: What?
Boudlebot: Follow me.
Boudlicious rolls back down the street for a few minutes until he comes to a small ranch style house surrounded by a white picket fence. Boudlebot opens the gate and allows Fly to enter the property. They walk/roll to the front door and let themselves in.
Fly: This house doesn’t seem very treacherous.
It’s not. The house features mostly modern features, hardwood floors, nice décor, all that. It’s a pretty cool bad.
Boudlebot: Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet. Check this out.
Bouldebot hangs a right from the house’s foyer and enters the living room. He sits his robot ass down on the sofa and grabs the remote to his television. He turns it on and clicks for apps. He opens up his Netflix account and….wait…I think we just saw a recently watched item “Debbie Does the Hot Dog Vendor.” We shake off that thought, and continue watching as Boudlebot scrolls to a movie named ‘Oblivion.’ He looks over to Fly.
Boudlebot: Are you trying to watch this? It’s got Tom Cruise in it.
Fly: Cruise? Ugh.
Boudlebot: I mean, I have other movies if you’re interested.
Remembering the titles he just witnessed under recently watched, Fly relents.
Fly: Yeah, what the hell. Fuck it.
Three hours later the movie is over. Thank god. Fly wakes up. He sees Boudlebot eating two coffee cakes with a hot dog in the middle of it, like a coffee cake hot dog sandwich.
Boudlebot: I, uh, I thought you were sleeping. This is embarrassing.
Fly: How can you eat so much? Where does…you know…stuff come out?
Boudlebot: Forget that, let’s talk Oblivion.
Fly: (sarcastically) Yeah, what a great movie that was.
Boudlebot: No, Flyaboudle, I’m talking about the wrestler. He’s going to be in the War match.
Fly: He sucks. Just like the movie.
Boudlebot: I’m supposed to be doing the analysis.
Fly: Okay then robot, analyze Oblivion.
Boudlebot: Well, the acting was great, as you can imagine. Tom Cruise is so sexy. The visual effects were pretty cool too. The story was lackluster, at best. I could really give or take the whole thing.
…
Fly: I was talking about the wrestler.
Boudlebot: Oh, it’s not a hardcore match, so he sucks.
Fly: I said that two minutes ago.
Boudlebot: Don’t get lippy with me, boo-fly-oodle. Come on, I’ll show you the basement.
Boudlebot gets himself off of the couch and rolls over to the door leading down to the basement. He looks up at Fly.
Boudlebot: You’ll need to carry me.
Fly: You’re really helpless.
Boudlebot: HEY! WHOA!
Fly: Oh, relax. I’ll help you out.
Fly picks up the Boudlebot, opens the door, and descends the staircase into the basement of the House of Treachery. Once he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he sets Boudlebot back down.
Boudlebot: Watch yourself down here, lots of weird people congregate here.
Fly and Boudlebot proceed slowly through the dark and empty space. As the creep slowly, they hear muffled sounds. Boudlebot stops and grabs Fly, not allowing him to proceed.
Boudlebot: Stop! Just up ahead, Nathan von Liebert has a woman tied up against the wall.
Fly: Aw, that’s sad.
Boudlebot: Let me tell you what Nathan’s weakness is, it’s that damn red hand of his. If you chop it off, then he loses a lot of his strength.
Fly: …
Boudlebot: What?
Fly: I was just thinking how much of an idiot you were. So let’s recap, if I cut off someone’s hand they lost a lot of strength.
Boudlebot: Right.
Fly: Wow, great analysis. So is the plan to go over there and chop of Nathan’s hand?
Boudlebot: Fuck that, I’m not going over there. I’m scared of the dark. If you meet up with Nathan at War, I’m telling you, fuck with his hand. That’s where all of his rage comes from. Without that anger, he’s just another guy. By the way, are you hungry?
Fly: Oh, for fuck sake.
Boudlebot: Come on, let’s go to the kitchen.
The two start heading back to the stairs, but a sound off to the right startles them. We peer through the darkness and see the silhouette of a man holding a shovel. Scary stuff. The man moves forward out of the shadows. It’s Gravedigger.
Boudlebot: Check out this boudle. What are you doing down here?
Gravedigger: I’m helping Nathan dig a grave for that woman he’s torturing.
Fly: Really? We couldn’t do better than this, Boudley?
Boudlebot: Why are you yelling at me, Seth?
Fly: This isn’t creative at all. Gravedigger, digging graves in the basement of the House of Treachery? …and why is there no cement down here?
Boudlebot: Oh, let me show you.
Boudlebot falls down and with his robot arms and legs does a ‘dirt angel’ on the ground. He gets back up and wipes himself off.
Gravedigger: That was kind of weird. I’m going to go back to digging my grave.
Gravedigger walks away and Fly looks thoroughly confused about what just happened.
Fly: Boudlebot…you care to piece this together for me?
Boudlebot: Alright, Gravedigger. I wouldn’t worry about him TOO much at War. He’s mixed up in this whole Bravado versus Eric Price thing and he hasn’t really picked a side. Therefore, he’s going in without allies, he hasn’t been wrestling much lately, and he seems mostly focused on his other business ventures. While he might say he wants to win War, I don’t think you’re going to see him put his best foot forward.
Fly: So why is he down here digging graves?
Boudlebot: I don’t know. Go ask him. …after we eat, of course, come on. Pick me up.
Fly shakes his head in frustration. He takes a look back at Gravedigger doing his own thing, then Nathan torturing some poor woman, and shrugs his shoulders. He picks Boudlebot up and takes him back upstairs. The main floor of the House of Treachery now smells like delicious plump hot dogs. Boudlebot begins kicking his little robo-legs as fast as he can to get down.
Boudlebot: HOT DOGS! LET ME DOWN, FLYGINA!
Bouldebot escapes Fly’s grasp and uses his thrusters to head full speed into the kitchen. Fly chases after him. In the kitchen we see a young, pale, woman wearing black leather pants, a black leather tank top, black spiked boots, and dark sunglasses. She appears to be boiling some hot dogs, but despite that fact, Boudlebot has stopped dead in his tracks and begun retreating.
Fly: Where are you going?
Boudlebot: (whispering) That’s Denise D’evil! The Death Bringer! We need to get out of here.
Fly: Why? This is your house.
Boudlebot: Just trust me on this.
Fly: Don’t be such a bitch, I’ll go get you a hot dog.
Boudlebot: No! She’s an immortal! She’ll eat you…and all the hot dogs! Come on, let’s go.
Fly: She looks harmless though. Actually, kind of hot in those tight pants.
Boudlebot slaps Fly in the face.
Boudlebot: Don’t you have any manners? If you want to show your attraction to a woman, you’re supposed to do this…
Pelvic thrust.
Fly: Oh, right. Fine, let’s go.
Fly and Boudlebot make their way outside. On the road in front of the house they spot Matthew Robinson and Jon Michaels with torches in their hands.
Robinson: STACY! STACY WHERE ARE YOU!
Fly: Who is Stacy?
Boudlebot: I don’t know, but rumor has it her mom has got it going on.
Robinson and Michaels notice Fly and Boudlebot and immediately coming running toward them.
Robinson: Have you seen my wife? Someone has taken her.
Boudlebot’s eyes grow wide…uh…somehow. He leans over to Fly and whispers…
Boudlebot: The woman in the basement.
Michaels: What was that? Do you know where she is?
Boudlebot: No, trash can, I don’t know where she is.
Fly: Who the hell are you two?
Robinson: Matthew Robinson. My wife Stacy is missing.
Michaels: I’m “King” Jon Michaels.
Fly: King of what?
Michaels: King of everything, ever.
Fly: Okay, cool, I guess.
Out of nowhere a man in a giant lion costume comes out of nowhere and tackles Robinson and Michaels. The lion man begins punching and kicking at the two men viciously on the lawn of the House of Treachery.
Boudlebot: Right on que. That’s Lionheart.
Fly: Should we help them?
Boudlebot: Absolutely not, you dumb boudle bitch. SECOND LESSON. In War there are going to be a lot of feuds or personal battles that come to a head. Stay out of all of them. Let those trash cans have their own fun, eliminate one another, and tire out. You stay focused on getting rid of the key players.
Fly: Got it.
Boudlebot: Alright, let’s get out of here.
Fly follows Boudlebot back onto the street and the two of them continue until coming to a small crowd of people. The crowd is gathered around one man, who is yelling for all to hear.
LISTEN TO ME! THIS IS A REVOLUTION! WE HATE THE VETERANS AND THEIR KISS THE RING ATTITUDES AND ALL THEIR BULLSHIT ACCOMPLISHMENTS! THE INTERNET TITLE IS ALL YOU NEED! MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH, WE HATE TWILIGHT AND HER SHITTY SERIES OF BOOKS AND MOVIES! AND ERIC PRICE! WE HATE HIM TOO!
It’s Jordan Caliban. He’s yelling about stuff. In the crowd surrounding Caliban are newcomers Jayden Thunder, Jason Xavier, Ryan Rhodes, Johnny Towers, Eli the Kid, and Cormack MacNeil.
Fly: If Jay Price was here…he’d be like…dafuq is this shit.
Boudlebot: It looks like Caliban is trying to get these rookies to join him in a revolution against the old guard.
Fly: Well, good luck to you Logan, you’re the oldest of the old guard.
Boudlebot: Shit.
Fly: On the plus side, if this is the lot trying to carry out that revolution…
Boudlebot: Trash cans.
Fly: I think you’ll be okay.
Boudlebot: In my career I’ve seen dozens of Jordan Calibans. He’s all hot and bothered because nobody seems to show him any respect for his couple of wins and his Internet Title. Respect is earned over a long period of time and a long resume of big wins. It’s not earned by doing…this.
Boudlebot points at Caliban as he continues to preach to the crowd.
Boudlebot: There is no strategy to beating a ‘Jordan Caliban.’ These guys beat themselves by thinking they’re hot shit when they’re really just boudles and trash cans. This guy is such a little loud mouth that there will probably be a line of people ready to eliminate him. He won’t last long.
Fly: What about those other guys?
Boudlebot: Who?
Fly: The young guys up there listening to Caliban.
Boudlebot: No rookie has ever won War. Fuck ‘em.
Wait! A rumbling sound is heard. From the distance we see a tank approaching. Standing in the hatch of the tank is Biohazard. As he approaches Caliban and company, he yells out a command.
Biohazard: fire on the maggots!
Ooze is fired from the main gun and hits Caliban in the face.
Biohazard: ooze to faces!
The tank is fired again, with ooze hitting the crowd. Everyone starts running away and Biohazard chases them down the street in his tank.
Biohazard: get back here so I can ddt you all!
Fly and Boudlebot watch as the tank rolls off into the distance. Fly shrugs his shoulders. Boudlebot nods his head.
Boudlebot: That just happened.
Fly: I don’t even know what to say.
Boudlebot: I have the same problem a lot of times. It’s usually when my mouth is full of hot dogs.
Fly: So, what’s Biohazard’s deal?
Boudlebot: I don’t know. Seems like a cool dude. If you guys tangle up though, it might be a good idea to put on some goggles. That ooze looks deadly.
Fly: Good call.
Boudlebot: Alright, let’s keep going. I know just where to go next. Follow me, Seth.
Fly: I’m not Seth!
Bouldebot ignores Fly and continues rolling down the street. In the far distance they see what appears to be a statue erected in a small grass patch in the middle of the road. As we get closer we notice it’s not really a statue at all. It’s Odin Balfore, standing on a square podium. Balfore is posing with a stick shaped like a lightning bolt in his hand. There’s also a man kneeling in front of Balfore. It’s Deuce Maximus.
Deuce: Dammit, Zeus, just give me a sign that you can hear me!
Balfore remains unmoving.
Deuce: Come on man, I’ve been looking for you forever! At least let play with your little lightening stick thing.
Deuce goes to reach for the stick, but Balfore kicks him in the chest.
CUT!
Out of nowhere John Gable runs into the scene.
Gable: DAMMIT BALFORE YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!
Balfore: What are you talking about?
Gable: He’s supposed to get the stick and gain the power of the gods.
Balfore: No. Fuck him. I’m Zeus and he’s a little bitch.
Gable: I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS! ACTORS SUCK!
With his feathers ruffled (pun intended), Gable-Gobble storms off. Balfore shrugs his shoulders and notices Fly and Boudlebot in the distance. He approaches.
Odin: Well, well, would you look at this.
Boudlebot: That’s one big boudle.
Fly: Odin, filming a movie?
Odin: Yeah, it’s a true story about my life. I’m Zeus. That little twerp over there is…uh..I forget.
Boudlebot: That’s Deuce Maximus!
Odin: Yeah, Deuce, that’s it. Which reminds me, I need to go take a shit. You two be sure to catch my movie…if that dude who sometimes talks like a turkey ever gets it finished.
Balfore walks away.
Fly: Balfore in movies? Connector City sucks.
Boudlebot kicks Fly in the shin again.
Boudlebot: Don’t you ever say that! A lot have great men have come to Connector City! Now look, Odin Diapers is a big guy. He’s also another former runner up. He’s been hanging out with that soft bitch Baby Cairo lately, another former runner-up. Those trash cans want to win War so badly, but they can’t, because…LESSON THREE…the people who win War are the people who aren’t on Mr. WCF’s radar. Bitchy Cairo and Odin Blahfore are nothing. I will taste their blood and tears! FUCK YOU, BOBBY CAIRO, AND FUCK YOUR COMEBACK!
Fly: When did this become about Cairo?
Boudlebot: This became about Cairo when I remembered that he’s been prancing around with Odin. FUCK BOBBY CAIRO. I BEAT HIM AT ONE 2011!
Fly: Alright, easy there Boudlebot. Forget Odin and Cairo. You still haven’t even touched on Deuce and Gable.
Boudlebot: FUCK JOHN GABLE! GOBBLE, GOBBLE YOU TURKEY BOUDLE BITCH! AND WHEN YOUR FUCKING OFF TAKE BOBBY CAIRO WITH YOU.
Fly: Uh. We might need to turn you down again.
Fly turns down Boudlebot’s personality setting once again.
Fly: Do you feel better?
Boudlebot: No.
Fly: You want to talk about Deuce Maximus now?
Boudlebot: No.
Fly: What do you want to do then?
Boudlebot: Let’s go get a drink.
Fly: Alright, fine. I’ll follow you.
Boudlebot turns around and begins going back up the street. He hangs a right and approaches a building called ‘Mack’n Chicks.’ Fly looks at the name and before even entering, decides to comment.
Fly: This isn’t…Steve Orbit’s place, is it?
Boudlebot: It is! It’s the closest place to get a drink.
Fly smiles, anxious to see what Steve Orbit’s club is like in Connector City. He opens the door and he and Boudlebot enter. Boudlebot heads straight to the bar to get his drink. Fly hangs back a bit, scoping out the place. There’s two stages set up, on each side of the club. There’s a girl dancing on each stage. It’s a strip club, and a very familiar face is noticed on stage two. Fly stares, and stares, and stare…
Boudlebot: Yep, that’s Sarah Twilight all right.
Boudlebot has returned with two drinks. He hands one to Fly and keeps the second for himself. He rolls toward the stage where Twilight is dancing and finds a table close to sit down at. Fly takes a seat with him.
Fly: Twilight…a stripper?
Boudlebot: I believe they prefer the term hooker.
Fly: That’s what I’ve been telling people! But, how did Sarah Twilight become a hooker for Steve Orbit?
Boudlebot: They had a secret pact. If Orbit won their World Title match earlier in the year, Sarah had to become one of his girls. So, here we are.
Fly: It feels sort of…underwhelming. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a woman’s body…but…
Boudlebot: Yeah, I know where you’re coming from. She’s flat chested. Mack doesn’t care, he parades her around regardless. He has no shame. Some of the lower class clientele take a special interest in her anyway.
Just like clockwork, a man jumps onto the stage.
Fly: Is that…
Boudlebot: Yep! <3 that guy!
It’s Doc Henry, aka Doc the Cock, and he’s jumped onto the stage and is dancing with Twilight. He even throws in a couple of pelvic thrusts to the delight of the club’s patrons.
Boudlebot: Hmmph. He’s getting better at those. Decent form.
Henry grabs Twilight and carries her off the stage to the VIP section.
Fly: Looks like Twilight is finally going to get some of the cock.
Boudlebot: Speaking of Doc, let’s talk about his War chances.
Fly: Okay.
Boudlebot: …
Fly: Are you going to say something?
Boudlebot: I said all there is to say about Doc’s chances.
Fly: Ha! Alright, what about Twilight?
Boudlebot: Johnny Reb is a manimal, and he’s the only person who entered in the first two of the match and won the damn thing. Twilight is a small, frail, redheaded chick. She’s no Johnny Reb. This match will wear her down. By the time the riff-raff has been sorted out and the main players are all that remain, Twilight will be easy pickings. Don’t let her rest, and don’t let her take you to The Twilight Zone, and you’ll be golden.
Speaking of golden, Steve Orbit and Golden Joey have just shown up at the table.
Orbit: Check out these motherfuckers, Joey.
Orbit helps himself to a seat.
Orbit: My man Jonny Fly and the fuckin’ Boudlebot in my club. What it do, gentlemen?
Fly: Boudley is helping me prepare for War by taking me on a trip through Connector City.
Orbit: Well then, let me offer you both a piece of advice. I’m winning that shit.
Boudlebot: Actually, no you’re not. The thing you have to worry about Steve Orbit is…this…
Boudlebot puts on a red wig.
Orbit: AHHHH!
Steve Orbit runs away.
Fly: So, beating Steve Orbit is as easy as putting on a red wig?
Boudlebot: He’s deeply scarred, Jonny. He’ll never be the same. It’s War though, there’s no time for niceness, take advantage of everyone’s weaknesses. Doc’s weakness is vagina, Orbit’s is red wigs, and Twilights is her pale, frail, and flat chested body.
Fly: Got it.
Fly and Boudlebot finish their drinks.
Boudlebot: I’m feeling better now, let’s get back out there.
Fly: After you.
Fly and Boudlebot exit the club. Back on the street they run smack into an epic duel. On the right side of the street is Tyler Walker, in a tank. On the left side is Biohazard, also in a tank.
Fly: Biohazard again?
Boudlebot: This looks serious. We should get some snacks.
It’s at this point in time I’d like to remind everyone that there is a hot dog vendor on every corner of Connector City. Boudlebot goes and grabs a jumbo hot dog and waits for some action in the street.
Walker: I’m too strong and fast for you Biohazard!
Biohazard: shut up you stupid terrorist
Walker: I WON’T TAKE ANY PRISONERS!
Biohazard: i will eat you!
Walker: I’m too big for you to eat!
Biohazard: i put my ooze on a man in a pony shirt.
Walker: …
Fly: …
Boudlebot: Oh man, I’ve been there before.
Biohazard: OOZE TO WALKERS!
Biohazard fires his toxic ooze at Walker. Walker’s tank does a sweet spin move, and avoids the ooze. He responds by firing his own tank, but Biohazard’s ooze dissolves the shell in the air. Walker fires again, hitting Biohazard’s tank and setting it on fire. Biohazard fires back, connecting with OOZE TO TANKS. Both tanks blow up.
Fly: Wow. Didn’t see that coming. So, they’re both dead?
Boudlebot: In terms of winning War, yes. In terms of Connector City, they’ll be back at it tomorrow.
As the tanks burn up, a group of men in leather jackets walk through the fire all Desperado-like and approach Fly and Boudlebot. The man walking in front of the group is Night Rider.
Boudlebot: Oh, shit. It’s the Angels of Death. Play it cool.
Fly: What? Why are we scared of the Angels of Death?
Boudlebot: They’re the biggest gang in Connector City. A bunch of bullies is what they are.
Night Rider: What was that, robot?
Fly: He said you look cute in that jacket. Is that Italian leather?
Night Rider: I don’t know. I just wear it when I’m ready to wreck shit.
Fly: Why so angry? We didn’t do anything to you?
Night Rider: I don’t care. AoD runs shit around here. We do whatever we want, whenever we want.
Fly: Man, Connector City sucks.
Night Rider gets pissed off at that comment and reaches out to grab Fly. Out of nowhere though, Boudlebot hits him with The Connector. Boudlebot gets back up and dusts himself off. The other members of AoD gather Night Rider and run away.
Boudlebot: That trash can just got a ticket to Connector City!
Fly: Okay so…when someone is in Connector City and then gets a ticket to Connector City…where do they go?
Boudlebot: Uh…I don’t know. Let’s go ask the overlord.
Fly: What? I thought you were the overlord.
Boudlebot: Nope, while I may have created Connector City, someone else runs it. Let’s go see him.
Boudlebot and Fly head down the street and come to a building labeled City Hall. They enter, and immediately come to a security checkpoint. Fly and Boudley put all their belongings in a bin for inspection, and then walk through the scanner. Fly gets by without issue, but for some reason Boudlebot keeps getting flagged.
Boudlebot: I’m made of metal! Let me go dumbasses.
Security Guard: I’m sorry sir, but we need to strip search you.
Boudlebot: If you want the jumbo hot dog of treachery, just say so.
Pelvic thrust.
One hour and one strip search later, Fly and Boudlebot proceed into the overlord’s office at City Hall. Sitting behind the desk is none other than Jay Price.
Price: Jonny Fly!
Fly: Jay Price!? Jay Price is the overlord of Connector City?
Boudlebot: I figured it was better to have someone with experience in Connector City overseeing it while I’m out fucking up boudles. Jay Price is one of the most prominent Connector City residents, so it was a natural fit.
Price: All I heard you say was prominent. I am prominent.
Bouldebot: All you need to know about Jay Price is that…he won’t win War.
Price: Says the robot.
Boudlebot: Price is likely to have a mental breakdown inside the ring or get hurt approximately sixteen seconds into the match. At least, that’s what my prediction engine tells me. Price is there just to be there, he’s not in it for the long haul. He’s not going to be much of a threat.
Fly: I hope I get a chance to see him in the ring. We have some unfinished business to take care of.
Price: Oh, speaking of unfinished business!
Price presses a button on his telephone.
Price: Lilith, please come in to my office. There is someone here who wants to see you.
Bouldebot: Oh, shit.
Seconds later, Lilith walks into the ring wearing a short black dress and a tight and revealing leather top. She immediately spot the Boudlebot and runs and hugs him.
Lilith: LOGAN! I’m so glad you came to see me.
Fly: Uh, Price, a little help here?
Price: Lilith is my secretary. She only took the position to get close to Logan. She wants some of the jumbo hot dog of treachery.
Boudlebot: Fly, save me. I hate fish nets.
Fly: It looks like you’re on your own for this one, Boudley.
Lilith drags Boudlebot out of the room. In the meantime Fly and Price sit around awkwardly listening to a bunch of…interesting…noises coming from Lilith’s office. After about two minutes, Boudlebot comes back into the office.
Price: That was quick.
Boudlebot: Uh, Fly. I have some information that might interest you about Lilith. If you are with her…uh…just you know…do it quick…and she’ll be so disappointed she’ll leave you alone.
Fly: How does that help me in the ring?
Boudlebot: It can’t hurt.
Fly: Soo…
Boudlebot: Look, I gotta get back in there. But I wanted to go over a few last things with you.
Fly: Go back in there, what?
Boudlebot: Have you seen those tits Fly? I’ll hit that two minutes at a time all day if she lets me.
Fly: Uh….okay. What do you want to go over?
Boudlebot: Alright, first up, Jonathan Jakobs. Forget that high-flying boudle clown. If he finds his way onto the turnbuckle, knock his ass down and take him to Connector City. Also, make sure you keep him away from Twilight and the rest of Bravado. If you get caught in that web, no matter how good you are, the numbers game could ruin you.
Fly: Easy enough.
At this point we notice that Jay Price is taking notes. Way to go Jay.
Boudlebot: Okay, now to Benjamin Atreyu. That trash can thinks he was programmed to be great, like he’s some sort of robo-wrestler with an awesomeness chip. Well, tough titties, because he’s not that good. If Atreyu enters this match thinking he’s destined to win, then he’s already lost. War is won by the man, who is not only usually me, but also the person willing to go the furthest and soak up the most punishment. Some little boudle who thinks it’s going to be handed to him isn’t going to last. A couple of stiff shots to Atreyu’s ego and he’ll crumble like a coffee cake in my mouth.
Fly: Heh. Nice analogy.
Boudlebot: Who else? Ah, John Barber. The champion of the television. This good ‘ole boudle is in his first War and looking to use it to make a name for himself. He thinks he’s going to put that Piss Stain Wrestling Federation on the map by beating all the big boys. The fact is Barber has to defend his Television Title even before the War match! I don’t care if you’re made of steel and energized on a dozen hot dogs, no dumb boudle is going to have enough left in the tank to win this baby. Plus, he’s trained by Gravedigger…so…
Fly: Right.
Boudlebot: Alright, is that it? Did we cover everyone?
Fly: I think there’s a couple others. We got, uh…
Boudlebot: I don’t care. We’re out of time.
Fly: How are we out of time? This is an alternate reality.
Boudlebot: I have to go prepare for War, silly. It’s the twelfth year, that means it’s my year to win!
Fly: There’s something I want to tell you about that. You see, that comment you made about a wrestler is at his most hungriest when they haven’t been on top for a long time and they’re trying to get back…
Boudlebot: Yeah?
Fly: That comment works for me too. I’m hungry to win this match. I’m GOING to win this match.
Boudlebot: Oh.
Fly: Plus, I still don’t forgive you for that time you ate all my Hot Fries and Vienna Fingers.
Boudlebot: Sorry, Seth.
Just like that, the scene comes to a close.
