Post by Mr. Jack Happy on Sept 28, 2013 21:17:23 GMT -5
(Our scene once more fades in on HappyHouse. Going inside, we see Nurse Lilsquirt finishing up packing. It seems that her work is done. Jack is no longer hooked up to an IV of Faygo. His hospital gown has been replaced by his evil, smiley-faced pajamas. He even has the little hat with the ball on the end of it. He's....almost cute wearing such a coordinated setup. Knocking on the closet door, we hear the camera shutter just a few more times followed by a sad whimper. Mrs. Brown exits alongside Nurse Lilsquirt.
Mr. Happy waves goodbye to the two ladies before turning his attention towards his plate. There, we see what looks like a cookie. It even has chocolate chips in 'it.' However, closer inspection reveals that the 'cookie' is, in fact, a chocolate chip burrito. ::Shudder:: Damn, really Jack? That's moderately gross.
Anywho, Jack polishes off the burrito and lays down. Wavy lines begin to flash across the screen. Ohhhh yeah. We know what's next. AWESOME DREAM SEQUENCE!!!!!!!!!!! DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!!!!
Jack is seen plummeting from the 'sky' down into a wooded area. We hear Robert Englund's maniacal laughter and the screech of metal claws. Shortly after that, we hear a 'ch ch ch' sound. Jack is a bit confused as this definitely doesn't look like home to him. Why he was just asleep a little while ago and now....)
"Lilsquirt? Pookie? Hank Brown? Man, this better not be some kind of a joke. If it is, why does it have to take place here in the woods? Wait, I get it. Y'all have woodies for me. Har har har. Oh, that is just too good. Nice one guys. Hey, the least you could do is give me a Faygo. I'm getting kinda thirsty."
(We then see a machete fly into the scene. It misses Jack by mere inches as it sticks into a tree. Jack shrugs as he takes it out and starts shaving the sewn-in stubble on the underside of his mask. A large, hulking figure then emerges. It's....JASON!!!!!!!!)
JASON: ....
"Whoa dude! You gotta quit sneaking up on people like that. I mean, what if I was helping make some flowers grow? Then what. Sheesh, you could give someone a heart attack like that you know."
JASON: (Tilts head to side) ...
"You know...creep 'em the hell out? Like, they could drop dead. You'd be responsible for killing them."
(Jason then nods like he gets it. Jack nods as well. In fact, Jason kind of...chuckles under the mask as worms fall out through the holes near his mouth.)
"Yikes. Remind me not to have the special."
(Suddenly, a voice that sounds like Freddy Krueger's is heard.)
"Well look what just DROPPED in. When I said I wanted a PHATTIE, I think got confused with FATTIE. Get it? They both the sound the same. Meh. YOU'VE GOT THE BODY AND I'VE GOT THE BRAINS!"
"Heeeeeyyyyyy.....you look all sweatery and what not. Just like...."
"Don't you dare say it! I'm getting pretty pissed off when people say..."
"MR. ROGERS!!!!!!!!"
"Sonofabitch! Look at me. I'm burned from a boiler room. I mean, c'mon. Whom do you think the hockey dude is?"
"Martin Brodeur?"
(Jason thinks about it for a second as there's an awkward moment of silence. Nodding as if that's an acceptable answer, he high fives Mr. Happy as Freddy throws his hands up in the air, but doesn't wave them like he just doesn't care.)
"Okay I'm still trying to figure out this mystery."
(As if on cue, Britney Spears and Jessica Alba step out of the woods wearing very revealing lingerie. They flank Mr. Happy and each give him a peck on the cheek. A lightbulb appears over his head as he finally makes the connection. Then it drops on his head and shatters.)
"Dream sequence?"
"Totally....neighbor."
(Everyone starts laughing. More worms drop out from Jason's mouth holes. It stops the laughter almost as quickly as it began. Jessica Alba then replies...)
"Yeah Jack, don't try the special."
(Laughter once more from everyone. Something catches Jack's eye and he points towards the cabin. Everyone nods and they all do Lola's dance move from 'Thriller' all the way up to the place. Once they get to the cabin, the door ominously opens. Jack looks to his right where Freddy and Britney are. They cringe in fear and take a step back. Looking over to his left, he sees Jason and Jessica Alba do the same. Shrugging, Jack leaves his companions and goes inside. As the door begins to close behind, Britney looks at Freddy as he raises his finger knives and rips out her 808 heart (that's what happens when you go all dubstep!!!! Duh!) Jessica Alba tries to run from Jason, but she twists her ankle. Jason goes over and grabs her head, squishing it, and making her eyeballs pop out. DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!!!!!
(Jack sees a very long dinner table before him. At the other end is...another Jack Happy?!?!?! This one, though, is dressed up in a yellow tux with evil smiley faces on them. His dreadlocks are slicked back and he has a basket of...fish sticks?....before him. He motions for Mr. Happy to sit. As Jack does, he sees others flanking his left and right as well. Other...Jack Happy's. One is wearing a rubber Godzilla monster outfit, another one is dressed up like a biker except he's got on assless chaps. Still another one is dressed up like Hugh Hefner wearing a robe and slippers, puffing on a pipe that is shooting soap bubbles into the air. After grabbing a mouthful of fishsticks, Godfather music plays softly into the background as he speaks...)
"Mrrmmmpph...Jack...mrrphhh...you...you are an honorable....mmmmrrrpphh...clown. I am an honorable clown. Mrrrpphhmmppphh....ahh, there we go. WE...Jack...WE are honorable clowns.
"Well, thank you?...Don Happy. So Don, what can I do for you?"
"Funny...funny man you are Jack. No, it isn't what YOU can do for ME. It's what WE can do for YOU. You see, it has come to my attention that you have a very important match on Sunday. It is a match where you are competing against 40 other people. I do not have to tell you how important this match is. I'm sure you already know."
"No, you don't. However, I wouldn't mind if you did. I mean this is a dream sequence and all."
(Slamming his massive fist on the table)"IT'S IMPORTANT DAMNIT!"
(Jack's Happyshades fall down and that causes him to cast his trademark scared flinch)"Awesome!!!!"
"Glad I could help. Now, seriously......"
(Everyone starts laughing at the table as if he said Pee Wee Herman's magic word. Even Don Happy laughs before continuing...)
"The match, Jack. It's very important that you represent overweight masked wrestlers with an affinity for wearing edibles well. So many people take you lightly in spite of your girth. This...this is unacceptable! You must throw your weight around. Hapzilla, tell him!"
(Holds his hands close to his chest and wiggles his upper body around as if he's having some kind of a seizure)"REEEARRRRRNNNHHHH!"
"Jack, you listen to the American Fatass. On Sunday night, you roll into your Clown-Yard and you throw those burrito bones around. You dig?"
"With a shovel fool. Yeah, I dig. I'm gonna stomp a donut hole through 'em!"
(Hugh Jack then speaks next....)
"Jack I need you to understand something. It's not all about violence, okay? You have to be refined as well. You have to be FLABULOUS Jack. For, even though this match offers plenty of exposure for you, you can't just go exposing yourself to the public. Mmmmmhmmmm....."
"I think...I THINK I GET IT! What you are all telling me is that, at WAR, I've got to be all things to all these people that are going to be going FUN-ON-ONE with the Comedic Chum. I might have to be a DON to some...a MONSTER to others...a BIKER who makes certain two chicks ride bitch...or maybe even a PLAYCLOWN with a refined edge, but above all I have to be true to myself. I have to honor the lovehandles, respect the scintillating subcutaneous regions throughout my body, and appreciate the roundness that my body affords me. I have to show each and every one of them just how horrendously haptastic I can be as I create a setting for them that will be nothing short of a nightmare that they can't wake up from! And if they think that they have a SERIOUS chance of defeating ME, I will look each and every one of them in their beady little eyes and I will reply.....
You're joking right?"
(The group gets riled up into a frenzy of cheers. Freddy and Jason come back in, Freddy with Britney's head and Jason with Jessica's. Jack turns to cheer along with them when he sees the carnage. Suddenly Jack screams like a little girl as the scene quickly cuts back to Happyhouse. We see Jack quickly sit up in the bed, panting very hard (probably from the sheer effort it took for him to move that fast.))
"It...it was only a dream. Only a dream....only a....."
(As Jack looks over at his plate that had the burrito cookie in it, he sees a nightcrawler thrashing about on it.)
"NOT THE SPECIAL!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Our scene fades out to Vincent Price laughter.)
Mr. Happy waves goodbye to the two ladies before turning his attention towards his plate. There, we see what looks like a cookie. It even has chocolate chips in 'it.' However, closer inspection reveals that the 'cookie' is, in fact, a chocolate chip burrito. ::Shudder:: Damn, really Jack? That's moderately gross.
Anywho, Jack polishes off the burrito and lays down. Wavy lines begin to flash across the screen. Ohhhh yeah. We know what's next. AWESOME DREAM SEQUENCE!!!!!!!!!!! DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!!!!
Jack is seen plummeting from the 'sky' down into a wooded area. We hear Robert Englund's maniacal laughter and the screech of metal claws. Shortly after that, we hear a 'ch ch ch' sound. Jack is a bit confused as this definitely doesn't look like home to him. Why he was just asleep a little while ago and now....)
"Lilsquirt? Pookie? Hank Brown? Man, this better not be some kind of a joke. If it is, why does it have to take place here in the woods? Wait, I get it. Y'all have woodies for me. Har har har. Oh, that is just too good. Nice one guys. Hey, the least you could do is give me a Faygo. I'm getting kinda thirsty."
(We then see a machete fly into the scene. It misses Jack by mere inches as it sticks into a tree. Jack shrugs as he takes it out and starts shaving the sewn-in stubble on the underside of his mask. A large, hulking figure then emerges. It's....JASON!!!!!!!!)
JASON: ....
"Whoa dude! You gotta quit sneaking up on people like that. I mean, what if I was helping make some flowers grow? Then what. Sheesh, you could give someone a heart attack like that you know."
JASON: (Tilts head to side) ...
"You know...creep 'em the hell out? Like, they could drop dead. You'd be responsible for killing them."
(Jason then nods like he gets it. Jack nods as well. In fact, Jason kind of...chuckles under the mask as worms fall out through the holes near his mouth.)
"Yikes. Remind me not to have the special."
(Suddenly, a voice that sounds like Freddy Krueger's is heard.)
"Well look what just DROPPED in. When I said I wanted a PHATTIE, I think got confused with FATTIE. Get it? They both the sound the same. Meh. YOU'VE GOT THE BODY AND I'VE GOT THE BRAINS!"
"Heeeeeyyyyyy.....you look all sweatery and what not. Just like...."
"Don't you dare say it! I'm getting pretty pissed off when people say..."
"MR. ROGERS!!!!!!!!"
"Sonofabitch! Look at me. I'm burned from a boiler room. I mean, c'mon. Whom do you think the hockey dude is?"
"Martin Brodeur?"
(Jason thinks about it for a second as there's an awkward moment of silence. Nodding as if that's an acceptable answer, he high fives Mr. Happy as Freddy throws his hands up in the air, but doesn't wave them like he just doesn't care.)
"Okay I'm still trying to figure out this mystery."
(As if on cue, Britney Spears and Jessica Alba step out of the woods wearing very revealing lingerie. They flank Mr. Happy and each give him a peck on the cheek. A lightbulb appears over his head as he finally makes the connection. Then it drops on his head and shatters.)
"Dream sequence?"
"Totally....neighbor."
(Everyone starts laughing. More worms drop out from Jason's mouth holes. It stops the laughter almost as quickly as it began. Jessica Alba then replies...)
"Yeah Jack, don't try the special."
(Laughter once more from everyone. Something catches Jack's eye and he points towards the cabin. Everyone nods and they all do Lola's dance move from 'Thriller' all the way up to the place. Once they get to the cabin, the door ominously opens. Jack looks to his right where Freddy and Britney are. They cringe in fear and take a step back. Looking over to his left, he sees Jason and Jessica Alba do the same. Shrugging, Jack leaves his companions and goes inside. As the door begins to close behind, Britney looks at Freddy as he raises his finger knives and rips out her 808 heart (that's what happens when you go all dubstep!!!! Duh!) Jessica Alba tries to run from Jason, but she twists her ankle. Jason goes over and grabs her head, squishing it, and making her eyeballs pop out. DUNH DUNH DUNH!!!!!!!
(Jack sees a very long dinner table before him. At the other end is...another Jack Happy?!?!?! This one, though, is dressed up in a yellow tux with evil smiley faces on them. His dreadlocks are slicked back and he has a basket of...fish sticks?....before him. He motions for Mr. Happy to sit. As Jack does, he sees others flanking his left and right as well. Other...Jack Happy's. One is wearing a rubber Godzilla monster outfit, another one is dressed up like a biker except he's got on assless chaps. Still another one is dressed up like Hugh Hefner wearing a robe and slippers, puffing on a pipe that is shooting soap bubbles into the air. After grabbing a mouthful of fishsticks, Godfather music plays softly into the background as he speaks...)
"Mrrmmmpph...Jack...mrrphhh...you...you are an honorable....mmmmrrrpphh...clown. I am an honorable clown. Mrrrpphhmmppphh....ahh, there we go. WE...Jack...WE are honorable clowns.
"Well, thank you?...Don Happy. So Don, what can I do for you?"
"Funny...funny man you are Jack. No, it isn't what YOU can do for ME. It's what WE can do for YOU. You see, it has come to my attention that you have a very important match on Sunday. It is a match where you are competing against 40 other people. I do not have to tell you how important this match is. I'm sure you already know."
"No, you don't. However, I wouldn't mind if you did. I mean this is a dream sequence and all."
(Slamming his massive fist on the table)"IT'S IMPORTANT DAMNIT!"
(Jack's Happyshades fall down and that causes him to cast his trademark scared flinch)"Awesome!!!!"
"Glad I could help. Now, seriously......"
(Everyone starts laughing at the table as if he said Pee Wee Herman's magic word. Even Don Happy laughs before continuing...)
"The match, Jack. It's very important that you represent overweight masked wrestlers with an affinity for wearing edibles well. So many people take you lightly in spite of your girth. This...this is unacceptable! You must throw your weight around. Hapzilla, tell him!"
(Holds his hands close to his chest and wiggles his upper body around as if he's having some kind of a seizure)"REEEARRRRRNNNHHHH!"
"Jack, you listen to the American Fatass. On Sunday night, you roll into your Clown-Yard and you throw those burrito bones around. You dig?"
"With a shovel fool. Yeah, I dig. I'm gonna stomp a donut hole through 'em!"
(Hugh Jack then speaks next....)
"Jack I need you to understand something. It's not all about violence, okay? You have to be refined as well. You have to be FLABULOUS Jack. For, even though this match offers plenty of exposure for you, you can't just go exposing yourself to the public. Mmmmmhmmmm....."
"I think...I THINK I GET IT! What you are all telling me is that, at WAR, I've got to be all things to all these people that are going to be going FUN-ON-ONE with the Comedic Chum. I might have to be a DON to some...a MONSTER to others...a BIKER who makes certain two chicks ride bitch...or maybe even a PLAYCLOWN with a refined edge, but above all I have to be true to myself. I have to honor the lovehandles, respect the scintillating subcutaneous regions throughout my body, and appreciate the roundness that my body affords me. I have to show each and every one of them just how horrendously haptastic I can be as I create a setting for them that will be nothing short of a nightmare that they can't wake up from! And if they think that they have a SERIOUS chance of defeating ME, I will look each and every one of them in their beady little eyes and I will reply.....
You're joking right?"
(The group gets riled up into a frenzy of cheers. Freddy and Jason come back in, Freddy with Britney's head and Jason with Jessica's. Jack turns to cheer along with them when he sees the carnage. Suddenly Jack screams like a little girl as the scene quickly cuts back to Happyhouse. We see Jack quickly sit up in the bed, panting very hard (probably from the sheer effort it took for him to move that fast.))
"It...it was only a dream. Only a dream....only a....."
(As Jack looks over at his plate that had the burrito cookie in it, he sees a nightcrawler thrashing about on it.)
"NOT THE SPECIAL!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Our scene fades out to Vincent Price laughter.)
