Post by Aaron Pearle on Jul 29, 2013 23:29:15 GMT -5
Aaron Pearle’s Ultimate Showdown PPV Real Time Running Diary
Hanging out with Team Pearle at the crib, watching EPPW’s last show before I debut. My trainer thinks it’s a good way to gauge the oncoming opposition. My image consultant thinks me commenting on the goings on is a good way to get my name out. I KNOW I’d rather be watching “Big Brother”, but even a blue chipper like me needs to compromise sometimes. Anyways, here are my thoughts on “Ultimate Showdown”, written in real time as the events unfold.
Intro to the show: The announcing team of Zach Davis and Erin Robbins (5/10) summarize the card. They explain the rules to Ultimate Showdown. It confuses my image consultant, so I rearticulate. Still no good. My trainer tries, using a flow chart. Nope. I’m starting to question my decision to take her advice on this social media thing.
Eric Price Segment: US champion and EPPW owner Eric Price comes out. He talks about how he’s going to have a street fight with one half of the tag team champions Ana Valentine next week on Slam. Considering that the stakes to the match involve ass kissing and diaper wearing, I’m going on record now and saying this better not be what keeps my debut out of the main event. Price is going to introduce some woman I don’t know to his stable of flunkies, when one of his old flunkies, Davey Ortega, comes out. I think he used to own the company himself at one time. The more things change, right? He’s warning Price about something, and now there’s a woman (6/10) on the Titantron. She’s talking, but I can’t make out a word she’s saying. I don’t think it’s in English. But it’s clear she’s trying to scare this Ortega guy by carving up some other dude and stomping on his head with what are definitely not “fuck me” boots. More like “don’t fuck with me” boots. Anyway, while Ortega is distracted another member of Bravado, People’s Champion Steeltoe Joe, enters the ring and kills him. I think. Aren’t all these people on the same side?
Tyler Walker/Biohazard vs Kira Sakazaki/Mariko vs The Big Time Jerks vs Hugs & Stitches: This is a fatal four way tag team match where one of the teams is a guy with a stuffed bear. That should tell you all you need to know about the state of WCF’s tag division. The guy in question, a huge dude called Arkham, comes out first. Then it’s the Southern Mafia, which includes Adam Young and two guys I never heard of. Tyler Walker, who’s more juiced than Tropicana, appears, followed by his partner Biohazard. Since he’s made of toxic waste and the Pay Per View is in New Jersey, he gets the usual hometown pop. International Champion Kira Shasta McNasty and his fiancé Mariko (6/10) are the final entrants. They have a quick match, with lots of back and forth. The Japanese Imports win when Kira pins Arkham. Should have made it easier on himself and pinned the damn bear.
Justin Turner vs Matthew Robinson vs John Barber: A triple threat involving the EPPW undercard. My trainer says I should be paying close attention because my debut match is more than likely going to involve at least one of these guys. I try, but one of the seeds in my takeout sesame chicken gets caught between my teeth and by the time I find a toothpick to pry it free, the match is over. John Barber, aka the “Florida Cracker”, gets Justin Turner to submit to a nice looking rolling cross armbreaker. I’m sure all his fellow crackers in the Sunshine State are as happy with this outcome as they were to the George Zimmerman verdict.
Tek vs Terry Roberts: This involves Terry “Synn” Roberts and Cold “Tek” Blooded. I ask my manager what the stakes to the fight are, but I didn’t like his answer, so in my mind it’s about which one of them has to change their nickname to the correct spelling. Anyway, it’s a hardcore match, which I hate, and even worse, a “Fans Bring the Weapons” match. If only they’d bring handguns and turn them on themselves. Wrestling as a sport would be so much better off. Terry Roberts comes out first, dressed in Tek’s gear kinda sorta, with everybody’s favorite cracker John Barber out next. He’s dressed as Steeltoe Joe, who used to be tag champs with Tek. Tek himself is all business when he makes his entrance. The match starts, these two guys beat the shit out of each other with the most lethal piece of junk the drooling rubes in attendance could find in their double wides, and Roberts gets the victory. Better luck next time, Tech.
Jonathan Jakobs vs Frank Patrick Venable: The two dominant stables in EPPW are represented in this match. Jakobs is a part of Bravado, FPV is a member of Cryogenix. Bravado is the group that runs the company, and Cryogenix is a team of, I think, secret agents. They’re like a real life “Big Apple Takedown”. I guess it’s possible. El Santo fought werewolves and vampire women in his spare time, right? I’m sure these guys can skip a few sessions in the gym to make the world safe for democracy. But back to matters you don’t need a top secret security clearance for: Jakobs and Venable fight, and Jakobs wins in a good match.
Denise D'Evil Segment: Another evil woman (5/10) appears on the Titantron. Fortunately, she does not turn some poor schlub into spin art. No, Denise D’Evil, who is a former hardcore champion, wants to challenge current Hardcore Champion Jeff Purse and Eric Price to a tag match next week. Her partner is none other than the Monster Oblivion. It would seem my boss has a tendency to attract the wrong kind of attention from the ladies.
Angels of Death (Oblivion and Night Rider) vs. S-PAC (John Gobble and Ana Valentine): This match is for the tag team titles. Oblivion, who’s Mankind times Kane times Undertaker, and Rider, who’s nothing like David Hasselhoff, come out first. Then John Gobble, who thinks he’s a turkey, which I suppose makes him Gobbledygooker to the Red Rooster power. Then, in the highlight of the entire freaking show, Ana Valentine (9.3/10) makes her entrance by shimmying all over her manager Scott Savage like its Saturday night at the Foxy Lady. This gal got parts of me up for a standing eight (inches) count, if you know what I’m saying. The match itself had S-PAC winning, and remaining tag champs. However, they were stopped from adding injury to insult when Denise D’Evil and Terry Roberts ran down to the ring to keep the future Mrs. Pearle from destroying Night Rider’s leg with a steel chair. Don’t worry, Ana, you can Pillmanize my patella anytime!
(To Be Continued)
Hanging out with Team Pearle at the crib, watching EPPW’s last show before I debut. My trainer thinks it’s a good way to gauge the oncoming opposition. My image consultant thinks me commenting on the goings on is a good way to get my name out. I KNOW I’d rather be watching “Big Brother”, but even a blue chipper like me needs to compromise sometimes. Anyways, here are my thoughts on “Ultimate Showdown”, written in real time as the events unfold.
Intro to the show: The announcing team of Zach Davis and Erin Robbins (5/10) summarize the card. They explain the rules to Ultimate Showdown. It confuses my image consultant, so I rearticulate. Still no good. My trainer tries, using a flow chart. Nope. I’m starting to question my decision to take her advice on this social media thing.
Eric Price Segment: US champion and EPPW owner Eric Price comes out. He talks about how he’s going to have a street fight with one half of the tag team champions Ana Valentine next week on Slam. Considering that the stakes to the match involve ass kissing and diaper wearing, I’m going on record now and saying this better not be what keeps my debut out of the main event. Price is going to introduce some woman I don’t know to his stable of flunkies, when one of his old flunkies, Davey Ortega, comes out. I think he used to own the company himself at one time. The more things change, right? He’s warning Price about something, and now there’s a woman (6/10) on the Titantron. She’s talking, but I can’t make out a word she’s saying. I don’t think it’s in English. But it’s clear she’s trying to scare this Ortega guy by carving up some other dude and stomping on his head with what are definitely not “fuck me” boots. More like “don’t fuck with me” boots. Anyway, while Ortega is distracted another member of Bravado, People’s Champion Steeltoe Joe, enters the ring and kills him. I think. Aren’t all these people on the same side?
Tyler Walker/Biohazard vs Kira Sakazaki/Mariko vs The Big Time Jerks vs Hugs & Stitches: This is a fatal four way tag team match where one of the teams is a guy with a stuffed bear. That should tell you all you need to know about the state of WCF’s tag division. The guy in question, a huge dude called Arkham, comes out first. Then it’s the Southern Mafia, which includes Adam Young and two guys I never heard of. Tyler Walker, who’s more juiced than Tropicana, appears, followed by his partner Biohazard. Since he’s made of toxic waste and the Pay Per View is in New Jersey, he gets the usual hometown pop. International Champion Kira Shasta McNasty and his fiancé Mariko (6/10) are the final entrants. They have a quick match, with lots of back and forth. The Japanese Imports win when Kira pins Arkham. Should have made it easier on himself and pinned the damn bear.
Justin Turner vs Matthew Robinson vs John Barber: A triple threat involving the EPPW undercard. My trainer says I should be paying close attention because my debut match is more than likely going to involve at least one of these guys. I try, but one of the seeds in my takeout sesame chicken gets caught between my teeth and by the time I find a toothpick to pry it free, the match is over. John Barber, aka the “Florida Cracker”, gets Justin Turner to submit to a nice looking rolling cross armbreaker. I’m sure all his fellow crackers in the Sunshine State are as happy with this outcome as they were to the George Zimmerman verdict.
Tek vs Terry Roberts: This involves Terry “Synn” Roberts and Cold “Tek” Blooded. I ask my manager what the stakes to the fight are, but I didn’t like his answer, so in my mind it’s about which one of them has to change their nickname to the correct spelling. Anyway, it’s a hardcore match, which I hate, and even worse, a “Fans Bring the Weapons” match. If only they’d bring handguns and turn them on themselves. Wrestling as a sport would be so much better off. Terry Roberts comes out first, dressed in Tek’s gear kinda sorta, with everybody’s favorite cracker John Barber out next. He’s dressed as Steeltoe Joe, who used to be tag champs with Tek. Tek himself is all business when he makes his entrance. The match starts, these two guys beat the shit out of each other with the most lethal piece of junk the drooling rubes in attendance could find in their double wides, and Roberts gets the victory. Better luck next time, Tech.
Jonathan Jakobs vs Frank Patrick Venable: The two dominant stables in EPPW are represented in this match. Jakobs is a part of Bravado, FPV is a member of Cryogenix. Bravado is the group that runs the company, and Cryogenix is a team of, I think, secret agents. They’re like a real life “Big Apple Takedown”. I guess it’s possible. El Santo fought werewolves and vampire women in his spare time, right? I’m sure these guys can skip a few sessions in the gym to make the world safe for democracy. But back to matters you don’t need a top secret security clearance for: Jakobs and Venable fight, and Jakobs wins in a good match.
Denise D'Evil Segment: Another evil woman (5/10) appears on the Titantron. Fortunately, she does not turn some poor schlub into spin art. No, Denise D’Evil, who is a former hardcore champion, wants to challenge current Hardcore Champion Jeff Purse and Eric Price to a tag match next week. Her partner is none other than the Monster Oblivion. It would seem my boss has a tendency to attract the wrong kind of attention from the ladies.
Angels of Death (Oblivion and Night Rider) vs. S-PAC (John Gobble and Ana Valentine): This match is for the tag team titles. Oblivion, who’s Mankind times Kane times Undertaker, and Rider, who’s nothing like David Hasselhoff, come out first. Then John Gobble, who thinks he’s a turkey, which I suppose makes him Gobbledygooker to the Red Rooster power. Then, in the highlight of the entire freaking show, Ana Valentine (9.3/10) makes her entrance by shimmying all over her manager Scott Savage like its Saturday night at the Foxy Lady. This gal got parts of me up for a standing eight (inches) count, if you know what I’m saying. The match itself had S-PAC winning, and remaining tag champs. However, they were stopped from adding injury to insult when Denise D’Evil and Terry Roberts ran down to the ring to keep the future Mrs. Pearle from destroying Night Rider’s leg with a steel chair. Don’t worry, Ana, you can Pillmanize my patella anytime!
(To Be Continued)
Jay Price