Post by Jonny Fly on Apr 14, 2013 12:39:42 GMT -5
Late last month Jonny Fly put the wheels in motion for his very own game show on WCF Television, aptly titled ‘One Fly Game Show.’ The details are simple; Fly serves as the host and each show features two contestants. Those contestants will face off against one another in three different games, styled after the popular game shows Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and The Price is Right. The game starts with one contestant choosing a category on the ‘Jeopardy’ board, which will now be referred to as the Board of Flyosophy. Questions from the Board of Flyosophy will be wrestling related, and contestants are encouraged to answer the questions as if they were in fact, Jonny Fly. Also, the questions are actually questions, and not answers because that shit is fucking stupid.
Unlike traditional Jeopardy, there is no money value in answering a question correctly from the Board of Flyosophy, and questions from the category are not weigted. Instead, for each correct answer a contestant gets a chance to spin the ‘Flywheel.’ This is where the Wheel of Fortune aspect of the game comes into play. After a correct answer from the board is secured, Fly will instruct the participant that he gets one spin of the wheel. The wheel decides the money value earned for a correct answer. The wheel has ten possible outcomes; $500, $1000, $2000, $2500, $3000, $3500, $4000, $5000, and three bankrupts, which if hit strips the contestant of all previous money earned forcing them to start again from zero.
The game continues until a total sum of $20,000 is earned by a single contestant. The first contestant to accrue $20,000 will then be shown a ‘FlyFortune,’ a variety of prizes he or she will be able to take home in addition to their $20,000. That contestant can then choose whether to accept the fortune, or pass it on to his competitor. That’s right; there are no losers in this game. Each contestant walks home with a FlyFortune, and one with an additional $20,000 in their pocket, paid for by the hard work of the WCF roster.
So, shall we begin?
[Scene Begins]
Canned applause introduces us into our scene. Imagine the sets of the popular game shows Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and The Price is Right all put together. Well, minus the overly enthusiastic and fake Price is Right crowd. Instead, the crowd here is raucous and may or may not be allowed to yell obscenities at the participants. That’s right mofos, this game has BASEketball elements. You’re welcome. The contestants for tonight’s episode of ‘One Fly Game Show’ are none other than WCF commentator Zach Davis and Jay Price’s personal whateverthefuck, Cameraman Bob. Bobby and Zachary are behind a podium in the very center of the game stage. The podium features an LED screen that currently reads $0 for both contestants. Directly in front of them on the stage is the Board of Flyosophy. Directly to their right is the FlyWheel, and lastly, to their left is two large curtains covering up the FlyFortunes. With a thunderous roar someone, which we can only safely assume is god himself, introduces our host over the PA system.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host…JONNY FLY!
Wearing a suit that would make even the stingiest of bitches drop their panties, the leader of the greatest stable in WCF history, three-time WCF World Champion, and current WCF CEO, Jonny Fly glides onto the stage with an unmistakable strut. He waves out the cheering crowd before approaching the contestants and shaking their hands individually. He makes sure to take out a little bottle of hand sanitizer after shaking Cameraman Bob’s hand because seriously, who knows where that thing has been. With a microphone in hand, Fly begins the show.
Fly: Thank you everyone! Welcome to the inaugural edition of ‘One Fly Game Show.’ I am your host, the namesake, Jonny Fly. Of course, you already know that. Or do you? If you’re at home going, “Hey wait a second, that looks like Corey Black,” fuck you. It’s me, Jonny Fly. With that out of the way, let’s meet our first contestants.
Fly walks over to Zach Davis.
Fly: What is your name?
Davis: I’m Zach Davis, WCF commentator.
Fly: Great. Nobody cares.
Fly moves over to Cameraman Bob.
Fly: And you are?
Bob: I’m Bob. Sometimes people refer to me as Cameraman Bob.
Fly: It’s good to see Jay Price let you out today.
Bob: Well, I had to come here. This is my punishment for last week.
…and the insults start.
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! I heard your mom is going out with squeaks!
Bob: What? Who is squeaks? I don’t get it.
Fly laughs quietly and puts his hand on Bob’s shoulder.
Fly: He’s a little bitch, Bob. Just like you.
Fly smiles and steps away from the contestants toward the Board of Flyosophy.
Fly: Alright guys, what do you say we take a look at our categories tonight on the Board of Flyosophy? There are six categories on the board and five questions in each category. Up first…
The first category on the board lights up with the words “FlyFacts.”
Fly: FlyFacts! Facts about Jonny Fly. Simple enough, right? Next up…
The second category on the board appears.
Fly: Flyjobbers! So many possibilities there. What do we have for the third category?
The next category lights up and the words “FlyFacts about Flyjobbers” appear.
Fly: FlyFacts about Flyjobbers! Literally, ENDLESS possibilities to that category. Next up we have perhaps my favorite category…
The fourth category is “Fuck Corey Black.”
Fly: Speaking of which, it’s at this point in the show where we’d like to thank our sponsor, Corey Black’s WCF contract, for funding tonight’s show. I mean honestly, Black doesn’t need any money, he’s part-time. I took all the money he’s making and redirected it into this show. As the category says, fuck ‘em. Moving on!
The next category lights up and “Fuck Steve Orbit” appears.
Fly: Unfortunately, unlike nearly everyone else in the entire world, we couldn’t put Orbit in the Flyjobber category, so instead he got his very own. Nobody ever gets over on Jonny Fly, remember that pimp. Last but not least…
The final category is shown to be “LOL FPV and Oblivion.”
Fly: If you’ve ever seen either of those men wrestle, this one is pretty self-explanatory. So, what do you say we get this show on the road? Let’s play ‘One Fly Game Show!’ Zach Davis, the board is yours.
Fly takes out a stack of cards from his front suit pocket and waits for Davis to choose a category.
Davis: I’ll take “FlyFacts.”
Fly nods his head and goes to his cards.
Fly: Alright, guys. Remember, the first one to buzz in gets to answer. The first question in that category is - On what date did Jonny Fly become the best wrestler in the Wrestling Championship Federation?
Cameraman Bob buzzes in first.
Bob: The answer to that question would be February 26th, 2012, when you became the World Champion for the first time.
Wrong.
Fly: Uh, no bitch, that’s not correct at all.
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! You want to know how I know your Jay Price’s bitch? Because you look like a cross between a popcorn kernel and a vagina!
Bob: What does that even mean?
Fly laughs as Bob looks on in frowny-face mode.
Fly: Zach, would you care to answer the first question?
Davis: Since you wrote these questions, I’m assuming the answer is November 8th, 2011, the day you signed your WCF contract.
Fly: Correct! You’re pretty smart Zach. I have no idea why people keep confusing you with Cameraman Bob.
Davis: Wait, what?
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! How does it feel to be confused for a guy who can’t even get laid by Shannan Lerch?
Davis: Hold on, I could totally get laid by Shannan Lerch. I choose not to because, well…gross.
Regardless, Bob looks legitimately upset.
Bob: Why are they just picking on me?
Fly: Because you’re a little bitch, Bobby. Zach, the inaugural spin of the Flywheel is all yours.
Zach walks from his podium over to the Flywheel and reaches down giving it a spin. Fly and Davis watch as the wheel begins to slow down before settling on $2000.
Fly: Alright, Zach Davis takes the lead with $2000. The board is still yours Zach, what category would you like next?
Back at his podium now, Davis considers his options.
Davis: I’m going to go with “Fuck Corey Black.”
Fly: Good call. Let’s see what we got for that category. Alright guys, the last time Corey Black was World Champion, who was the individual who EASILY defeated him and sent his ass back to part-time status?
Using previously unknown cat-like reflexes, Bob the Cameraman buzzes in first.
Fly: Alright Bob, don’t miss this one or I’m going to be pissed.
Bob: The answer is Jonny Fly!
Fly: Obviously. Go spin the wheel, slut.
Bob literally skips over to the wheel to take his spin.
Crowd Member: What are you, Little Bob Riding Hood? Stop skipping, you little bitch.
Bob ignores the psyche out and then promptly spins the wheel. It doesn’t go very far.
Crowd Member: You spin like a girl!
The wheel settles on $5000, the highest possible denomination.
Bob: Whoo!
Fly: Wow, look at that. Cameraman Bob out to a commanding lead. Pick the next category, Bob.
Bob returns to his podium and looks closely at the board.
Crowd Member: Pick the ‘Cameraman Bob is living proof that giant turds can grow legs and talk!’
Bob: That’s not a category, dumbass! Obviously!
Fly: Bob…pick a fuckin’ category already.
Bob: Alright, alright, let’s go with Flyjobbers.
Fly: This individual is a multi-time Flyjobber. He’s the Flyjobber Surgeon General. He’s been destroyed by Jonny Fly so many times in a wrestling ring that his only use in this world is that of warning others that Jonny Fly is the greatest wrestler in the world. Also, side note, this man sometimes goes by the nickname ‘boudle.’
Zach Davis buzzes in first.
Davis: Easy. Roy Speede.
Fly: Correct! Take a spin at the Flywheel, Zach.
Davis and Fly walk over to the wheel and Zach takes his second spin of the night. He earns $2500.
Fly: Tight race right now. Cameraman Bob still holds the slight lead with $5000 to Zach Davis’s $4500. Zach, it’s your board.
Davis: Considering I’ve announced every single one of your matches, let’s keep with the Flyjobbers category.
Fly: Perfect. Next question in that category; this individual is also a multi-time Flyjobber, and has lost more World Title matches than times Cameraman Bob has put his penis in an actual living vagina.
Bob: Sarah Twilight!
Fly: You forgot to buzz in, Bob.
A flustered Cameraman Bob quickly buzzes in.
Bob: Sarah Twilight! …hey wait, I’ve had sex more than three times!
Crowd Member: Your right hand doesn’t qualify as an ‘actual living vagina,’ Bob.
Fly: That’s a fair point, Bob. He’s right.
Bob: Fuck you guys! Did I get the question right or not?
Fly: Of course you got it right. Has anyone ever lost as many World Title shots as Sarah Twilight? I mean, fuck, it had to be depressing when I was throwing her around the ring, but now it’s just…embarrassing. Sheesh. Anyway, spin the wheel, Bob.
Bob has already run over to the wheel and taken another spin. He gets…bankruptcy. Don’t lie, you knew that was coming didn’t you?
Bob: Aw, fuck!
Crowd Member: If you’re going to slit your wrist Bob, remember to do it vertically. Horizontal doesn’t get the job done.
Bob: Alright, enough is enough. Can we stop this?
Fly: No.
Bob: Then make them harass Zach Davis.
Fly: No.
Crowd Member: Vertical, Bob, vertical. Just end it, bro.
Dejectedly, Bob returns to his podium.
Fly: If you’re going to self-mutilate yourself, make sure you pick a category first.
Bob: Fine. Give me “Fuck Steve Orbit.”
Fly: Alright, about time we bring some ethnicity into this show. Am I right, crowd?
Crowd: …
Fly: Yeah, anyway. The first question in this category, Orbit is regarding for having a great reign as United States Champion. Please tell me the number of title defenses he had as United States Champion against wrestlers who are worth_a_shit?
Bob and Zach Davis look at one another and shrug their shoulders. Zach Davis finally rings in.
Zach Davis: I mean this is completely subjective, I guess I’ll go with one.
Fly: No. Wrong. Bob, you’re up.
Bob: Oh, uh…
Fly: Did you say ‘0,’ as in zero?
Bob: Yes?
Fly: Correct! Contrary to popular belief, beating Doc Henry and Kale Windsor over the course of like four months isn’t an impressive title reign. Who would have known? Yeah, yeah, I know he also beat Reb, but seriously, the dude was like half in another dimension at that point in time. It doesn’t count.
Bob is more than happy to take his next spin at the wheel, considering he has no monies. He spins and the wheel lands on $1000.
Fly: Alright Cameraman Bob, working his way back up. It’s still your board, Bobby.
Crowd Member: I’ll tell you who’s bored, anyone who has ever talked to Cameraman Bob. If he was married his wife would be cheating on him with a silly straw, and explaining that the straw stimulated her better mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
Bob: …
Davis: Damn. A silly straw. That’s fucked up.
Bob: Ignoring that, I’ll take FlyFacts about Flyjobbers.
Fly: Ah, yes. Eric Price is one of the later entries into the guild of Flyjobbers. Please tell me the name of Eric’s Price tag-team partner when he won the WCF’s tag-team titles, AND how long his title reign was. A bonus $500 will be awarded for also remembering the name of that miserable, god-awful team.
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Zach Davis: His tag-team partner was Jonathan Jakobs and their title reign I believe lasted only 14 days. I also believe that team called themselves The Benefactors. Right?
Fly: That’s correct! It’s also a tribute to just how far Eric Price has come. From a two-week Tag Team Title winner with debatably the worst tag-team name in history, to World Champion and esteemed Flyjobber. There’s just no holding that man back right now. Go ahead and take your next spin, Zach.
Zach Davis walks over to the wheel and makes his next spin. The wheel lands on $3000.
Fly: Alright, with that spin and his $500 bonus Zach Davis is now up to $8000. Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob has $1000.
Crowd Member: Don’t worry Bob. You’re not the weakest link. You’re not even on the fuckin’ chain.
Bob: *Sigh*
Fly: Moving on. Zach, please pick the next category.
Davis: It looks like the only one we haven’t done yet is LOL FPV and Oblivion. Let’s go with that.
Fly: Considering my match this week, I’m excited about this category. Alright guys, let’s start with a softball question. What is Oblivion’s real name?
Bob eagerly buzzes in.
Bob: Stephan Johnson!
Fly: No.
Crowd Member: Ha! Bob, if you were a car your shifter would be permanently stuck in reverse. This would actually be convenient for you because you only take it in the rev….
Bob: STOP!
Davis: Honestly, he answered the question correctly.
Fly: Fuck off Zach, these are my questions. He’s wrong. The answer was ‘jobber.’ Oblivion’s real name is jobber. How did both of you miss that?
Crowd Member: Well, I can only speak for Bob, but he missed it because he’s drowning in the kiddie section of the gene pool.
Fly: Ha! That one was actually pretty good. Zach, you’re still up.
Davis: Let’s try the same category.
Fly: Alright, good stuff. Tell me the names of all the failed stables Oblivion and FPV have been a part of during Pantheon’s existence.
Zach Davis is the first to buzz in.
Davis: Alright, we have the Team of Treachery, the Darkside of Treachery, and The Church of Dark Saints. Those are the only three they’ve been a part of during Pantheon’s existence.
Fly: …
Davis: What? The only other one either of the two of them has been in is Genesis, and Genesis isn’t…
Fly: Correct! Team of Treachery, Darkside of Treachery, The Church of Dark Saints, and Genesis is the answer. Good job, Zach.
Davis: Okay?
Bob: Hold on a second, Genesis isn’t a failed stable. They’re still active.
Fly: Are you kidding me? How are they not a failed stable? They’ve lost three straight World Title matches, Waylon Cash just ditched on them, Steve Orbit is obviously delirious because he thinks Corey Black is black, and I think Roy Speede is legitimately dead. Or maybe I just hope that, but still. FPV is as irrelevant as ever and seriously Prophecy isn’t even worth bringing up because that’s just a failed stable that was eaten by a bigger failed stable.
Davis: I agree. Just because I want to spin.
Bob: Whatever.
Davis walks over to the wheel and takes his next spin. He gets $2000.
Fly: Alright, an even $10,000 for Zach Davis. He’s pulling away Bob, you better start getting serious.
Crowd Member: Start getting serious? How about starting hooked on phonics? The dude is literally a blueprint for how to build an idiot.
Fly: I have to say Bob, you’re a real fan favorite.
Bob: I don’t know what the hell is going on. Nobody has even made a comment about Zach. Why do people hate me?
Crowd Member: Bob, if I stood close enough to you I would be able to hear the ocean!
Fly is visibly laughing each time the crowd picks on Bob. He composes himself and points to Zach.
Fly: Alright, Zach. Pick the next category.
Davis: Let’s go back to FlyFacts.
Fly: Okay. Despite what my detractors would try to tell you, the WCF has seen a steady increase in ratings since I took over ownership of the WCF and ultimately took the company public and positioned myself as its CEO. The question is what was Slam’s average rating before I took over, and what is the average rating now?
Cameraman Bob quickly buzzes in.
Bob: I actually know this one!
Crowd Member: I doubt it.
Bob: No, I really do. Jay Price goes over ratings all the time as CFO. Anyway, before Pantheon’s leadership the average Slam rating was 2.21 and now it’s 2.87.
Fly: Holy fuck…that’s actually correct. Good work, Bob. Take your spin.
Bob happily walks back over to the wheel and spins it. The wheel lands on $4000.
Fly: Alright, the comeback is on. Maybe. Probably not. Still, it’s your board Bob.
Bob: I’ll take “Fuck Corey Black” please.
Fly: Great, this show needs more talking shit on Corey Black. The next question is who will win the match next year at One between Corey Black and Torture? Remember, dumbasses, the name of this category is “Fuck Corey Black.”
Zach Davis buzzes in nearly immediately. Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob has head wrestling on his hand and still appears to be pondering the question.
Zach Davis: Torture!
Fly: Yes! Torture will obviously beat Corey Black. Probably convincingly, too. Take your spin, Zach.
Zach walks over to the Flywheel and takes his next spin. The wheel lands on $3000.
Fly: Zach Davis is now at $13, 000 and closing on the $20,000. It’s still your board Zach.
Davis: Let’s go back to “LOL FPV and Oblivion.”
Fly: Alright guys, as you know on Sunday I’ll be facing Oblivion and FPV in a three-way match. FPV and I have faced off before in a three-way match. Name the third contestant in that match, and who won.
Zach Davis buzzes in.
Davis: Gravedigger?
Fly: No. I think you’re confusing what I’m talking about with the four-way World Title match last summer.
Cameraman Bob buzzes in. Even though he doesn’t have to, because Zach Davis already missed the question.
Bob: Was it Waylon Cash?
Fly: Yes! Who won that match Bob?
Bob: You.
Fly: Obviously. Jonny Fly versus multiple Genesis members isn’t fair…fair to Genesis, of course. It should be noted thought that in that match Waylon Cash nearly won. Meanwhile, FPV was aimlessly trudging around the ring scratching his vagina like it was a turntable. That’s about the standard FPV performance, though.
Bob: …so, I can spin?
Crowd Member: Instead of drinking from the fountain of knowledge, Bob the Cameraman just gargled it. Then he forgot to spit it out and drowned. The craziest thing about that I could have sworn he swallowed.
Bob: …
Fly is currently on the ground rolling around in laughter. After a few more seconds he gets back to his feet.
Fly: Sorry about that. I, uh, tripped. Go ahead and take your spin, Bob.
Bob walks over to the wheel and spins it once again. It lands on $5000.
Fly: Wow, Bob again with $5000. High roller. He’s up to $9,000, but still trails Zach Davis. Bob, pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s go with Flyjobbers.
Fly: Alright guys, this person was the first ever WCF Flyjobber. The absolute first. Who was it?
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Davis: Hunter! I still remember that match.
Fly: Don’t fool yourself, Zach, that wasn’t much of a match. That was a massacre. Other than that tag match against Vengeance and Blizzard last week, it was absolutely the easiest match I’ve ever had. It’s your spin, Zach.
Davis walks over to the Flywheel and spins another $2000.
Fly: Alright, up to $15,000. We’re getting down to the wire. One $5,000 spin could end this, or, of course, a bankrupt could make this a completely different game. Zach, go ahead and select the next category.
Davis: I’ll take “FlyFacts.”
Fly: FlyFacts it is. Earlier this year I sold my amazingly successful chain of skank superstores, Jonny Fly’s International House of Skanks and its international affiliate, Jonny Fly’s International House of PanSkanks. What did I receive in return for the sale?
Another stumper. Zach Davis buzzes in and takes a stab at the question.
Davis: 10 million dollars?
Fly: Nope. My payment was way better. Bob?
Bob: Uh, 20 million?
Crowd Member: Hey Bob, earlier today I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was at the zoo.
Bob: That sucked!
Crowd Member: Said every girlfriend you’ve ever had after sex.
Fly: I’m disappointed that both of you missed this one. I sold the franchise for a lifetime supply of hot fries.
Davis: Seriously?
Fly: Yes I did, and I don’t regret it for one second. Anytime I want I can eat delicious hot fries. I’m sure you’re all very jealous.
Davis: I mean, not really.
Fly: Fuck off, Zach, pick another category.
Davis: Uh, how about “Fuck Steve Orbit.”
Fly: Good. A person’s Q Score is a measurement of the familiarity and appeal of a celebrity in the United States. The higher the Q Score, the more highly regarded that person is. Like me, Steve Orbit is not only a professional wrestler, but he’s a businessman. He’s also a pimp. These are the types of things that put him in the public eye. The question is, with all that said, what is Steve Orbit’s celebrity Q Score?
Bob: Is it just me, or are these questions getting harder?
Crowd Member: No, it’s just the fact that you have the intelligence of a zombie.
Davis: I have to agree with Bob, I have nothing for this one.
Fly: Neither of you even want to take a stab at it? It’s not like you lose points for a wrong answer.
Zach Davis buzzes in.
Davis: I don’t know, ten?
Fly: No. Bob?
Bob: Zero?
Fly: Correct! According to his Q score, nobody knows who the fuck Steve Orbit is. Or cares about him. He’s as famous as you, Bob. Go ahead and take your next spin.
Bob gladly walks over to the Flywheel and gives it a spin. The wheel just barely goes by bankruptcy and lands on $3000.
Fly: Alright! Cameraman Bob is back in the game at $12,000 but Zach Davis still leads with $15,000. Bob, pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s go with FlyFacts about Flyjobbers.
Fly: Okay, here you go, this individual’s only singles contest against Jonny Fly was a World Title match. He is well known for an obsessive love of hot dogs…
Bob buzzes in faster than panties become wet during a Jonny Fly match.
Bob: Logan!
Fly: Correct! It’s your spin Bob, for a chance at retaking the lead!
Bob walks over to the wheel and gives it another spin. It lands on $5,000 for the third time in the show.
Fly: Unbelievable, Cameraman Bob gets $5,000 once again and is now up to $17,000. Both contestants are now within striking distance of ending the game! Bob, it’s still your board.
Bob: Alright. Let’s go with LOL FPV and Oblivion…FOR THE WIN BABY.
Fly: Easy, Bobby, easy. It’s still anyone’s game right now. FPV calls himself “The Boudle Slayer.” Meanwhile, he’s part of a stable with the ultimate boudle, Roy Speede. Here’s the question, what the fuck is up with that?
Davis: Again, that’s not even a real question. How can we answer that?
Fly: I could answer it.
Cameraman Bob buzzes in.
Bob: I suppose the answer is that FPV actually doesn’t ‘slay’ anyone, ever, so the nickname is more of a marketing title to try and leach off Logan’s catchphrases’ popularity.
Fly: Hmmm. Fuck it, I’ll accept that. In addition to that, I was looking for something along the lines of FPV is an aimless midcarder who isn’t worthy of his own unique nickname, but whatever.
Davis: Seriously?
Crowd Member: Hey Zach, how does it feel to be losing to Cameraman Bob?
Fly: Heh, maybe the best put down tonight.
Bob: Hey!
Fly: Shut up, go spin the wheel.
Bob spins the wheel and the crowd anxiously awaits as the wheel spins from 4000, to 2000, to bankrupt, to 1000, before finally landing on…$2,500.
Fly: Oh! So close, Bob. You’re up to $19,500 and unless you go bankrupt, you’re next correct answer will secure you the win. Go ahead and pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s keep with LOL FPV and Oblivion.
Fly: Alright, big question here for both of you. If Bob gets this one right, this game may be over. Here we go – Who is going to win the triple-threat match between FPV, Oblivion, and Jonny Fly?
Zach Davis just beats out Cameraman Bob, buzzing in first.
Davis: Jonny Fly!
Fly: Easiest question of the night, no doubt. Go ahead and spin Zach.
Davis quickly walks over to the wheel and makes his spin.
Fly: Let’s see what we got here, $5,000 would win it…NO!
The wheel lands on $2,500.
Fly: Alright Zach, getting closer. You’re now up to $17,500. Go ahead and pick the next category.
Davis: I’ll take FlyFacts.
Fly: FlyFacts it is. Here’s the next question guys, in the past six months how many different women have I slept with? Now, hold on, before you answer, this number has been rounded to the nearest one-hundredth to make it easier to answer.
Zach Davis buzzes in first.
Zach Davis: One hundred?
Fly: Good god, no. One hundred? Who am I, Steve Orbit or some shit? The number is way more than that. Bob, take a stab at it…like I did…on this number of women…
Bob: 500?
Fly: …
The crowd waits anxiously to see if Bob will get a chance to spin to win the game.
Fly: YES! That’s correct! Holy shit, I didn’t think you’d be able to get that. Okay Bob, go ahead and take your spin. If the wheel lands on any denomination you’ll be the winner.
Bob confidently walks over to the wheel and gives it a huge spin. It goes around, and around, and around, before landing on…
Fly: HAHAH!
Crowd Member: Hey Bob, if at first you don’t succeed, shoot yourself in the face. It’d probably make you better looking!
The wheel landed on bankruptcy.
Crowd Member: Bob, it’s clear that you are the ‘Doc Henry’ of One Fly Game Show.
Bob: FUCK.
Fly: Oh, I’m sorry Bob, I have to dock you money for that. This is a family show, you can’t say fuck.
Bob: But you just said it!
Fly: It’s my show, Bob. Shut up and pick the next category.
Bob: *Sigh* I guess I’ll take Flyjobbers.
Fly: Okay, here we go, name the other seven participants I beat at Ultimate Showdown in 2012.
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Davis: I got this. Roy Speede, Waylon Cash, Tommy Kain, FPV, Odin Balfore, Steve Orbit, and Jeff Purse.
Fly: BOOM! He got it, that’s correct. Alright Zach, spin the wheel. If you get more than $2,500 this game is over.
Zach Davis walks over to the wheel and spins it. The wheel slows down on $2,000 before just barely ticking over to land on $4,000.
Fly: There it is! With a final total of $21,500 your winner is Zach Davis! Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob finishes with negative $500 and will need to pay that amount back to the show, preferably by a check made out to me…and preferably before he leaves tonight. With that said, Zach, let’s walk over to the FlyFortunes.
Fly and Davis walk to the left side of the stage and stand in front of the two large curtains hiding the FlyFortunes.
Fly: Alright, Zach. You’re going home with $21,500, but, you have the chance to take home much more than that. What you’ll need to do now is pick one of these FlyFortunes that you would like to see. You’ll then have the opportunity to accept that fortune, or pass it on to Bob. Which one would you like?
Davis: I’ll take the one on the right.
Fly: Alright, lackeys please remove the curtain and show Zach his FlyFortune!
The curtain ascends into the ceiling revealing…one pillar with a bag of Hot Fries and a pack of Vienna Fingers on it. Zach Davis scowls, not particularly happy with his ‘fortune.’
Fly: I don’t know why you look so pissed, Zach. This fortune includes a lifetime supply of Hot Fries and Vienna Fingers! I’m sure you’ll want to keep it, so let’s go ahead and…
Davis: I’d like to pass.
Fly: What? Are you sure? I literally had to hire Havana Ginger to sleep with Andy Capps and those Keebler elves to get these.
Davis: I’m sorry Fly; I’d like to take the other fortune.
Fly shakes his head in amazement.
Fly: Alright, it looks like after all of this Cameraman Bob is still going to come away as the big winner.
Bob: Yes!
Fly: With that said, let’s see what Zach Davis will be taking home. Please reveal the other FlyFortune.
The curtain ascends and the last FlyFortune is revealed as an envelope sitting alone on another pillar. Fly walks forward and picks up the envelope and opens it up. He holds a piece of paper up in the air for the camera to zoom in on.
“The winner of this FlyFortune is entitled to one free sexual escapade with me, Shannan Lerch! I look forward to having you inside me soon. XOXO – Shannan”
Zach Davis faints.
Fly: Zach Davis wins a night with Shannan Lerch! Man, commentary at Slam on Sunday is probably going to be pretty awkward. But, that’s all the time we have tonight. For Zach Davis and Cameraman Bob, I am Jonny Fly wishing you a good night. Thanks for watching!
The camera switches to images of the cheering crowd and Fly waving goodbye on the stage as the scene slowly dissolves to blackness.
[Scene Ends]
Unlike traditional Jeopardy, there is no money value in answering a question correctly from the Board of Flyosophy, and questions from the category are not weigted. Instead, for each correct answer a contestant gets a chance to spin the ‘Flywheel.’ This is where the Wheel of Fortune aspect of the game comes into play. After a correct answer from the board is secured, Fly will instruct the participant that he gets one spin of the wheel. The wheel decides the money value earned for a correct answer. The wheel has ten possible outcomes; $500, $1000, $2000, $2500, $3000, $3500, $4000, $5000, and three bankrupts, which if hit strips the contestant of all previous money earned forcing them to start again from zero.
The game continues until a total sum of $20,000 is earned by a single contestant. The first contestant to accrue $20,000 will then be shown a ‘FlyFortune,’ a variety of prizes he or she will be able to take home in addition to their $20,000. That contestant can then choose whether to accept the fortune, or pass it on to his competitor. That’s right; there are no losers in this game. Each contestant walks home with a FlyFortune, and one with an additional $20,000 in their pocket, paid for by the hard work of the WCF roster.
So, shall we begin?
[Scene Begins]
Canned applause introduces us into our scene. Imagine the sets of the popular game shows Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and The Price is Right all put together. Well, minus the overly enthusiastic and fake Price is Right crowd. Instead, the crowd here is raucous and may or may not be allowed to yell obscenities at the participants. That’s right mofos, this game has BASEketball elements. You’re welcome. The contestants for tonight’s episode of ‘One Fly Game Show’ are none other than WCF commentator Zach Davis and Jay Price’s personal whateverthefuck, Cameraman Bob. Bobby and Zachary are behind a podium in the very center of the game stage. The podium features an LED screen that currently reads $0 for both contestants. Directly in front of them on the stage is the Board of Flyosophy. Directly to their right is the FlyWheel, and lastly, to their left is two large curtains covering up the FlyFortunes. With a thunderous roar someone, which we can only safely assume is god himself, introduces our host over the PA system.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your host…JONNY FLY!
Wearing a suit that would make even the stingiest of bitches drop their panties, the leader of the greatest stable in WCF history, three-time WCF World Champion, and current WCF CEO, Jonny Fly glides onto the stage with an unmistakable strut. He waves out the cheering crowd before approaching the contestants and shaking their hands individually. He makes sure to take out a little bottle of hand sanitizer after shaking Cameraman Bob’s hand because seriously, who knows where that thing has been. With a microphone in hand, Fly begins the show.
Fly: Thank you everyone! Welcome to the inaugural edition of ‘One Fly Game Show.’ I am your host, the namesake, Jonny Fly. Of course, you already know that. Or do you? If you’re at home going, “Hey wait a second, that looks like Corey Black,” fuck you. It’s me, Jonny Fly. With that out of the way, let’s meet our first contestants.
Fly walks over to Zach Davis.
Fly: What is your name?
Davis: I’m Zach Davis, WCF commentator.
Fly: Great. Nobody cares.
Fly moves over to Cameraman Bob.
Fly: And you are?
Bob: I’m Bob. Sometimes people refer to me as Cameraman Bob.
Fly: It’s good to see Jay Price let you out today.
Bob: Well, I had to come here. This is my punishment for last week.
…and the insults start.
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! I heard your mom is going out with squeaks!
Bob: What? Who is squeaks? I don’t get it.
Fly laughs quietly and puts his hand on Bob’s shoulder.
Fly: He’s a little bitch, Bob. Just like you.
Fly smiles and steps away from the contestants toward the Board of Flyosophy.
Fly: Alright guys, what do you say we take a look at our categories tonight on the Board of Flyosophy? There are six categories on the board and five questions in each category. Up first…
The first category on the board lights up with the words “FlyFacts.”
Fly: FlyFacts! Facts about Jonny Fly. Simple enough, right? Next up…
The second category on the board appears.
Fly: Flyjobbers! So many possibilities there. What do we have for the third category?
The next category lights up and the words “FlyFacts about Flyjobbers” appear.
Fly: FlyFacts about Flyjobbers! Literally, ENDLESS possibilities to that category. Next up we have perhaps my favorite category…
The fourth category is “Fuck Corey Black.”
Fly: Speaking of which, it’s at this point in the show where we’d like to thank our sponsor, Corey Black’s WCF contract, for funding tonight’s show. I mean honestly, Black doesn’t need any money, he’s part-time. I took all the money he’s making and redirected it into this show. As the category says, fuck ‘em. Moving on!
The next category lights up and “Fuck Steve Orbit” appears.
Fly: Unfortunately, unlike nearly everyone else in the entire world, we couldn’t put Orbit in the Flyjobber category, so instead he got his very own. Nobody ever gets over on Jonny Fly, remember that pimp. Last but not least…
The final category is shown to be “LOL FPV and Oblivion.”
Fly: If you’ve ever seen either of those men wrestle, this one is pretty self-explanatory. So, what do you say we get this show on the road? Let’s play ‘One Fly Game Show!’ Zach Davis, the board is yours.
Fly takes out a stack of cards from his front suit pocket and waits for Davis to choose a category.
Davis: I’ll take “FlyFacts.”
Fly nods his head and goes to his cards.
Fly: Alright, guys. Remember, the first one to buzz in gets to answer. The first question in that category is - On what date did Jonny Fly become the best wrestler in the Wrestling Championship Federation?
Cameraman Bob buzzes in first.
Bob: The answer to that question would be February 26th, 2012, when you became the World Champion for the first time.
Wrong.
Fly: Uh, no bitch, that’s not correct at all.
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! You want to know how I know your Jay Price’s bitch? Because you look like a cross between a popcorn kernel and a vagina!
Bob: What does that even mean?
Fly laughs as Bob looks on in frowny-face mode.
Fly: Zach, would you care to answer the first question?
Davis: Since you wrote these questions, I’m assuming the answer is November 8th, 2011, the day you signed your WCF contract.
Fly: Correct! You’re pretty smart Zach. I have no idea why people keep confusing you with Cameraman Bob.
Davis: Wait, what?
Crowd Member: Hey Bob! How does it feel to be confused for a guy who can’t even get laid by Shannan Lerch?
Davis: Hold on, I could totally get laid by Shannan Lerch. I choose not to because, well…gross.
Regardless, Bob looks legitimately upset.
Bob: Why are they just picking on me?
Fly: Because you’re a little bitch, Bobby. Zach, the inaugural spin of the Flywheel is all yours.
Zach walks from his podium over to the Flywheel and reaches down giving it a spin. Fly and Davis watch as the wheel begins to slow down before settling on $2000.
Fly: Alright, Zach Davis takes the lead with $2000. The board is still yours Zach, what category would you like next?
Back at his podium now, Davis considers his options.
Davis: I’m going to go with “Fuck Corey Black.”
Fly: Good call. Let’s see what we got for that category. Alright guys, the last time Corey Black was World Champion, who was the individual who EASILY defeated him and sent his ass back to part-time status?
Using previously unknown cat-like reflexes, Bob the Cameraman buzzes in first.
Fly: Alright Bob, don’t miss this one or I’m going to be pissed.
Bob: The answer is Jonny Fly!
Fly: Obviously. Go spin the wheel, slut.
Bob literally skips over to the wheel to take his spin.
Crowd Member: What are you, Little Bob Riding Hood? Stop skipping, you little bitch.
Bob ignores the psyche out and then promptly spins the wheel. It doesn’t go very far.
Crowd Member: You spin like a girl!
The wheel settles on $5000, the highest possible denomination.
Bob: Whoo!
Fly: Wow, look at that. Cameraman Bob out to a commanding lead. Pick the next category, Bob.
Bob returns to his podium and looks closely at the board.
Crowd Member: Pick the ‘Cameraman Bob is living proof that giant turds can grow legs and talk!’
Bob: That’s not a category, dumbass! Obviously!
Fly: Bob…pick a fuckin’ category already.
Bob: Alright, alright, let’s go with Flyjobbers.
Fly: This individual is a multi-time Flyjobber. He’s the Flyjobber Surgeon General. He’s been destroyed by Jonny Fly so many times in a wrestling ring that his only use in this world is that of warning others that Jonny Fly is the greatest wrestler in the world. Also, side note, this man sometimes goes by the nickname ‘boudle.’
Zach Davis buzzes in first.
Davis: Easy. Roy Speede.
Fly: Correct! Take a spin at the Flywheel, Zach.
Davis and Fly walk over to the wheel and Zach takes his second spin of the night. He earns $2500.
Fly: Tight race right now. Cameraman Bob still holds the slight lead with $5000 to Zach Davis’s $4500. Zach, it’s your board.
Davis: Considering I’ve announced every single one of your matches, let’s keep with the Flyjobbers category.
Fly: Perfect. Next question in that category; this individual is also a multi-time Flyjobber, and has lost more World Title matches than times Cameraman Bob has put his penis in an actual living vagina.
Bob: Sarah Twilight!
Fly: You forgot to buzz in, Bob.
A flustered Cameraman Bob quickly buzzes in.
Bob: Sarah Twilight! …hey wait, I’ve had sex more than three times!
Crowd Member: Your right hand doesn’t qualify as an ‘actual living vagina,’ Bob.
Fly: That’s a fair point, Bob. He’s right.
Bob: Fuck you guys! Did I get the question right or not?
Fly: Of course you got it right. Has anyone ever lost as many World Title shots as Sarah Twilight? I mean, fuck, it had to be depressing when I was throwing her around the ring, but now it’s just…embarrassing. Sheesh. Anyway, spin the wheel, Bob.
Bob has already run over to the wheel and taken another spin. He gets…bankruptcy. Don’t lie, you knew that was coming didn’t you?
Bob: Aw, fuck!
Crowd Member: If you’re going to slit your wrist Bob, remember to do it vertically. Horizontal doesn’t get the job done.
Bob: Alright, enough is enough. Can we stop this?
Fly: No.
Bob: Then make them harass Zach Davis.
Fly: No.
Crowd Member: Vertical, Bob, vertical. Just end it, bro.
Dejectedly, Bob returns to his podium.
Fly: If you’re going to self-mutilate yourself, make sure you pick a category first.
Bob: Fine. Give me “Fuck Steve Orbit.”
Fly: Alright, about time we bring some ethnicity into this show. Am I right, crowd?
Crowd: …
Fly: Yeah, anyway. The first question in this category, Orbit is regarding for having a great reign as United States Champion. Please tell me the number of title defenses he had as United States Champion against wrestlers who are worth_a_shit?
Bob and Zach Davis look at one another and shrug their shoulders. Zach Davis finally rings in.
Zach Davis: I mean this is completely subjective, I guess I’ll go with one.
Fly: No. Wrong. Bob, you’re up.
Bob: Oh, uh…
Fly: Did you say ‘0,’ as in zero?
Bob: Yes?
Fly: Correct! Contrary to popular belief, beating Doc Henry and Kale Windsor over the course of like four months isn’t an impressive title reign. Who would have known? Yeah, yeah, I know he also beat Reb, but seriously, the dude was like half in another dimension at that point in time. It doesn’t count.
Bob is more than happy to take his next spin at the wheel, considering he has no monies. He spins and the wheel lands on $1000.
Fly: Alright Cameraman Bob, working his way back up. It’s still your board, Bobby.
Crowd Member: I’ll tell you who’s bored, anyone who has ever talked to Cameraman Bob. If he was married his wife would be cheating on him with a silly straw, and explaining that the straw stimulated her better mentally, emotionally, and sexually.
Bob: …
Davis: Damn. A silly straw. That’s fucked up.
Bob: Ignoring that, I’ll take FlyFacts about Flyjobbers.
Fly: Ah, yes. Eric Price is one of the later entries into the guild of Flyjobbers. Please tell me the name of Eric’s Price tag-team partner when he won the WCF’s tag-team titles, AND how long his title reign was. A bonus $500 will be awarded for also remembering the name of that miserable, god-awful team.
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Zach Davis: His tag-team partner was Jonathan Jakobs and their title reign I believe lasted only 14 days. I also believe that team called themselves The Benefactors. Right?
Fly: That’s correct! It’s also a tribute to just how far Eric Price has come. From a two-week Tag Team Title winner with debatably the worst tag-team name in history, to World Champion and esteemed Flyjobber. There’s just no holding that man back right now. Go ahead and take your next spin, Zach.
Zach Davis walks over to the wheel and makes his next spin. The wheel lands on $3000.
Fly: Alright, with that spin and his $500 bonus Zach Davis is now up to $8000. Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob has $1000.
Crowd Member: Don’t worry Bob. You’re not the weakest link. You’re not even on the fuckin’ chain.
Bob: *Sigh*
Fly: Moving on. Zach, please pick the next category.
Davis: It looks like the only one we haven’t done yet is LOL FPV and Oblivion. Let’s go with that.
Fly: Considering my match this week, I’m excited about this category. Alright guys, let’s start with a softball question. What is Oblivion’s real name?
Bob eagerly buzzes in.
Bob: Stephan Johnson!
Fly: No.
Crowd Member: Ha! Bob, if you were a car your shifter would be permanently stuck in reverse. This would actually be convenient for you because you only take it in the rev….
Bob: STOP!
Davis: Honestly, he answered the question correctly.
Fly: Fuck off Zach, these are my questions. He’s wrong. The answer was ‘jobber.’ Oblivion’s real name is jobber. How did both of you miss that?
Crowd Member: Well, I can only speak for Bob, but he missed it because he’s drowning in the kiddie section of the gene pool.
Fly: Ha! That one was actually pretty good. Zach, you’re still up.
Davis: Let’s try the same category.
Fly: Alright, good stuff. Tell me the names of all the failed stables Oblivion and FPV have been a part of during Pantheon’s existence.
Zach Davis is the first to buzz in.
Davis: Alright, we have the Team of Treachery, the Darkside of Treachery, and The Church of Dark Saints. Those are the only three they’ve been a part of during Pantheon’s existence.
Fly: …
Davis: What? The only other one either of the two of them has been in is Genesis, and Genesis isn’t…
Fly: Correct! Team of Treachery, Darkside of Treachery, The Church of Dark Saints, and Genesis is the answer. Good job, Zach.
Davis: Okay?
Bob: Hold on a second, Genesis isn’t a failed stable. They’re still active.
Fly: Are you kidding me? How are they not a failed stable? They’ve lost three straight World Title matches, Waylon Cash just ditched on them, Steve Orbit is obviously delirious because he thinks Corey Black is black, and I think Roy Speede is legitimately dead. Or maybe I just hope that, but still. FPV is as irrelevant as ever and seriously Prophecy isn’t even worth bringing up because that’s just a failed stable that was eaten by a bigger failed stable.
Davis: I agree. Just because I want to spin.
Bob: Whatever.
Davis walks over to the wheel and takes his next spin. He gets $2000.
Fly: Alright, an even $10,000 for Zach Davis. He’s pulling away Bob, you better start getting serious.
Crowd Member: Start getting serious? How about starting hooked on phonics? The dude is literally a blueprint for how to build an idiot.
Fly: I have to say Bob, you’re a real fan favorite.
Bob: I don’t know what the hell is going on. Nobody has even made a comment about Zach. Why do people hate me?
Crowd Member: Bob, if I stood close enough to you I would be able to hear the ocean!
Fly is visibly laughing each time the crowd picks on Bob. He composes himself and points to Zach.
Fly: Alright, Zach. Pick the next category.
Davis: Let’s go back to FlyFacts.
Fly: Okay. Despite what my detractors would try to tell you, the WCF has seen a steady increase in ratings since I took over ownership of the WCF and ultimately took the company public and positioned myself as its CEO. The question is what was Slam’s average rating before I took over, and what is the average rating now?
Cameraman Bob quickly buzzes in.
Bob: I actually know this one!
Crowd Member: I doubt it.
Bob: No, I really do. Jay Price goes over ratings all the time as CFO. Anyway, before Pantheon’s leadership the average Slam rating was 2.21 and now it’s 2.87.
Fly: Holy fuck…that’s actually correct. Good work, Bob. Take your spin.
Bob happily walks back over to the wheel and spins it. The wheel lands on $4000.
Fly: Alright, the comeback is on. Maybe. Probably not. Still, it’s your board Bob.
Bob: I’ll take “Fuck Corey Black” please.
Fly: Great, this show needs more talking shit on Corey Black. The next question is who will win the match next year at One between Corey Black and Torture? Remember, dumbasses, the name of this category is “Fuck Corey Black.”
Zach Davis buzzes in nearly immediately. Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob has head wrestling on his hand and still appears to be pondering the question.
Zach Davis: Torture!
Fly: Yes! Torture will obviously beat Corey Black. Probably convincingly, too. Take your spin, Zach.
Zach walks over to the Flywheel and takes his next spin. The wheel lands on $3000.
Fly: Zach Davis is now at $13, 000 and closing on the $20,000. It’s still your board Zach.
Davis: Let’s go back to “LOL FPV and Oblivion.”
Fly: Alright guys, as you know on Sunday I’ll be facing Oblivion and FPV in a three-way match. FPV and I have faced off before in a three-way match. Name the third contestant in that match, and who won.
Zach Davis buzzes in.
Davis: Gravedigger?
Fly: No. I think you’re confusing what I’m talking about with the four-way World Title match last summer.
Cameraman Bob buzzes in. Even though he doesn’t have to, because Zach Davis already missed the question.
Bob: Was it Waylon Cash?
Fly: Yes! Who won that match Bob?
Bob: You.
Fly: Obviously. Jonny Fly versus multiple Genesis members isn’t fair…fair to Genesis, of course. It should be noted thought that in that match Waylon Cash nearly won. Meanwhile, FPV was aimlessly trudging around the ring scratching his vagina like it was a turntable. That’s about the standard FPV performance, though.
Bob: …so, I can spin?
Crowd Member: Instead of drinking from the fountain of knowledge, Bob the Cameraman just gargled it. Then he forgot to spit it out and drowned. The craziest thing about that I could have sworn he swallowed.
Bob: …
Fly is currently on the ground rolling around in laughter. After a few more seconds he gets back to his feet.
Fly: Sorry about that. I, uh, tripped. Go ahead and take your spin, Bob.
Bob walks over to the wheel and spins it once again. It lands on $5000.
Fly: Wow, Bob again with $5000. High roller. He’s up to $9,000, but still trails Zach Davis. Bob, pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s go with Flyjobbers.
Fly: Alright guys, this person was the first ever WCF Flyjobber. The absolute first. Who was it?
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Davis: Hunter! I still remember that match.
Fly: Don’t fool yourself, Zach, that wasn’t much of a match. That was a massacre. Other than that tag match against Vengeance and Blizzard last week, it was absolutely the easiest match I’ve ever had. It’s your spin, Zach.
Davis walks over to the Flywheel and spins another $2000.
Fly: Alright, up to $15,000. We’re getting down to the wire. One $5,000 spin could end this, or, of course, a bankrupt could make this a completely different game. Zach, go ahead and select the next category.
Davis: I’ll take “FlyFacts.”
Fly: FlyFacts it is. Earlier this year I sold my amazingly successful chain of skank superstores, Jonny Fly’s International House of Skanks and its international affiliate, Jonny Fly’s International House of PanSkanks. What did I receive in return for the sale?
Another stumper. Zach Davis buzzes in and takes a stab at the question.
Davis: 10 million dollars?
Fly: Nope. My payment was way better. Bob?
Bob: Uh, 20 million?
Crowd Member: Hey Bob, earlier today I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was at the zoo.
Bob: That sucked!
Crowd Member: Said every girlfriend you’ve ever had after sex.
Fly: I’m disappointed that both of you missed this one. I sold the franchise for a lifetime supply of hot fries.
Davis: Seriously?
Fly: Yes I did, and I don’t regret it for one second. Anytime I want I can eat delicious hot fries. I’m sure you’re all very jealous.
Davis: I mean, not really.
Fly: Fuck off, Zach, pick another category.
Davis: Uh, how about “Fuck Steve Orbit.”
Fly: Good. A person’s Q Score is a measurement of the familiarity and appeal of a celebrity in the United States. The higher the Q Score, the more highly regarded that person is. Like me, Steve Orbit is not only a professional wrestler, but he’s a businessman. He’s also a pimp. These are the types of things that put him in the public eye. The question is, with all that said, what is Steve Orbit’s celebrity Q Score?
Bob: Is it just me, or are these questions getting harder?
Crowd Member: No, it’s just the fact that you have the intelligence of a zombie.
Davis: I have to agree with Bob, I have nothing for this one.
Fly: Neither of you even want to take a stab at it? It’s not like you lose points for a wrong answer.
Zach Davis buzzes in.
Davis: I don’t know, ten?
Fly: No. Bob?
Bob: Zero?
Fly: Correct! According to his Q score, nobody knows who the fuck Steve Orbit is. Or cares about him. He’s as famous as you, Bob. Go ahead and take your next spin.
Bob gladly walks over to the Flywheel and gives it a spin. The wheel just barely goes by bankruptcy and lands on $3000.
Fly: Alright! Cameraman Bob is back in the game at $12,000 but Zach Davis still leads with $15,000. Bob, pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s go with FlyFacts about Flyjobbers.
Fly: Okay, here you go, this individual’s only singles contest against Jonny Fly was a World Title match. He is well known for an obsessive love of hot dogs…
Bob buzzes in faster than panties become wet during a Jonny Fly match.
Bob: Logan!
Fly: Correct! It’s your spin Bob, for a chance at retaking the lead!
Bob walks over to the wheel and gives it another spin. It lands on $5,000 for the third time in the show.
Fly: Unbelievable, Cameraman Bob gets $5,000 once again and is now up to $17,000. Both contestants are now within striking distance of ending the game! Bob, it’s still your board.
Bob: Alright. Let’s go with LOL FPV and Oblivion…FOR THE WIN BABY.
Fly: Easy, Bobby, easy. It’s still anyone’s game right now. FPV calls himself “The Boudle Slayer.” Meanwhile, he’s part of a stable with the ultimate boudle, Roy Speede. Here’s the question, what the fuck is up with that?
Davis: Again, that’s not even a real question. How can we answer that?
Fly: I could answer it.
Cameraman Bob buzzes in.
Bob: I suppose the answer is that FPV actually doesn’t ‘slay’ anyone, ever, so the nickname is more of a marketing title to try and leach off Logan’s catchphrases’ popularity.
Fly: Hmmm. Fuck it, I’ll accept that. In addition to that, I was looking for something along the lines of FPV is an aimless midcarder who isn’t worthy of his own unique nickname, but whatever.
Davis: Seriously?
Crowd Member: Hey Zach, how does it feel to be losing to Cameraman Bob?
Fly: Heh, maybe the best put down tonight.
Bob: Hey!
Fly: Shut up, go spin the wheel.
Bob spins the wheel and the crowd anxiously awaits as the wheel spins from 4000, to 2000, to bankrupt, to 1000, before finally landing on…$2,500.
Fly: Oh! So close, Bob. You’re up to $19,500 and unless you go bankrupt, you’re next correct answer will secure you the win. Go ahead and pick the next category.
Bob: Let’s keep with LOL FPV and Oblivion.
Fly: Alright, big question here for both of you. If Bob gets this one right, this game may be over. Here we go – Who is going to win the triple-threat match between FPV, Oblivion, and Jonny Fly?
Zach Davis just beats out Cameraman Bob, buzzing in first.
Davis: Jonny Fly!
Fly: Easiest question of the night, no doubt. Go ahead and spin Zach.
Davis quickly walks over to the wheel and makes his spin.
Fly: Let’s see what we got here, $5,000 would win it…NO!
The wheel lands on $2,500.
Fly: Alright Zach, getting closer. You’re now up to $17,500. Go ahead and pick the next category.
Davis: I’ll take FlyFacts.
Fly: FlyFacts it is. Here’s the next question guys, in the past six months how many different women have I slept with? Now, hold on, before you answer, this number has been rounded to the nearest one-hundredth to make it easier to answer.
Zach Davis buzzes in first.
Zach Davis: One hundred?
Fly: Good god, no. One hundred? Who am I, Steve Orbit or some shit? The number is way more than that. Bob, take a stab at it…like I did…on this number of women…
Bob: 500?
Fly: …
The crowd waits anxiously to see if Bob will get a chance to spin to win the game.
Fly: YES! That’s correct! Holy shit, I didn’t think you’d be able to get that. Okay Bob, go ahead and take your spin. If the wheel lands on any denomination you’ll be the winner.
Bob confidently walks over to the wheel and gives it a huge spin. It goes around, and around, and around, before landing on…
Fly: HAHAH!
Crowd Member: Hey Bob, if at first you don’t succeed, shoot yourself in the face. It’d probably make you better looking!
The wheel landed on bankruptcy.
Crowd Member: Bob, it’s clear that you are the ‘Doc Henry’ of One Fly Game Show.
Bob: FUCK.
Fly: Oh, I’m sorry Bob, I have to dock you money for that. This is a family show, you can’t say fuck.
Bob: But you just said it!
Fly: It’s my show, Bob. Shut up and pick the next category.
Bob: *Sigh* I guess I’ll take Flyjobbers.
Fly: Okay, here we go, name the other seven participants I beat at Ultimate Showdown in 2012.
Zach Davis quickly buzzes in.
Davis: I got this. Roy Speede, Waylon Cash, Tommy Kain, FPV, Odin Balfore, Steve Orbit, and Jeff Purse.
Fly: BOOM! He got it, that’s correct. Alright Zach, spin the wheel. If you get more than $2,500 this game is over.
Zach Davis walks over to the wheel and spins it. The wheel slows down on $2,000 before just barely ticking over to land on $4,000.
Fly: There it is! With a final total of $21,500 your winner is Zach Davis! Meanwhile, Cameraman Bob finishes with negative $500 and will need to pay that amount back to the show, preferably by a check made out to me…and preferably before he leaves tonight. With that said, Zach, let’s walk over to the FlyFortunes.
Fly and Davis walk to the left side of the stage and stand in front of the two large curtains hiding the FlyFortunes.
Fly: Alright, Zach. You’re going home with $21,500, but, you have the chance to take home much more than that. What you’ll need to do now is pick one of these FlyFortunes that you would like to see. You’ll then have the opportunity to accept that fortune, or pass it on to Bob. Which one would you like?
Davis: I’ll take the one on the right.
Fly: Alright, lackeys please remove the curtain and show Zach his FlyFortune!
The curtain ascends into the ceiling revealing…one pillar with a bag of Hot Fries and a pack of Vienna Fingers on it. Zach Davis scowls, not particularly happy with his ‘fortune.’
Fly: I don’t know why you look so pissed, Zach. This fortune includes a lifetime supply of Hot Fries and Vienna Fingers! I’m sure you’ll want to keep it, so let’s go ahead and…
Davis: I’d like to pass.
Fly: What? Are you sure? I literally had to hire Havana Ginger to sleep with Andy Capps and those Keebler elves to get these.
Davis: I’m sorry Fly; I’d like to take the other fortune.
Fly shakes his head in amazement.
Fly: Alright, it looks like after all of this Cameraman Bob is still going to come away as the big winner.
Bob: Yes!
Fly: With that said, let’s see what Zach Davis will be taking home. Please reveal the other FlyFortune.
The curtain ascends and the last FlyFortune is revealed as an envelope sitting alone on another pillar. Fly walks forward and picks up the envelope and opens it up. He holds a piece of paper up in the air for the camera to zoom in on.
“The winner of this FlyFortune is entitled to one free sexual escapade with me, Shannan Lerch! I look forward to having you inside me soon. XOXO – Shannan”
Zach Davis faints.
Fly: Zach Davis wins a night with Shannan Lerch! Man, commentary at Slam on Sunday is probably going to be pretty awkward. But, that’s all the time we have tonight. For Zach Davis and Cameraman Bob, I am Jonny Fly wishing you a good night. Thanks for watching!
The camera switches to images of the cheering crowd and Fly waving goodbye on the stage as the scene slowly dissolves to blackness.
[Scene Ends]