Post by Magnus on Feb 21, 2013 19:49:35 GMT -5
MAGNUS MOVES IN
~ Scene One
" But Mista Blake, Vhere should Magnus stay? "
" Don't worry Magnus, I have it all worked out for you. "
" Gud, it better meet Magnus, high standarz. "
" Oh, I think it'll do more then just that. "
~ Scene Two
The
sunlight burned Magnus’s nose and the stench of America suffocated his
eyes. The long trip may have made others weary, tired, but not Magnus.
The ten hour flight time would make anyone else jet lagged, the time
transition would rewind and twist their internal clocks but not Magnus.
Ten hours and no food would make anyones stomach burn it’s self alive in
protest but Magnus just sat there. He sat there on the plane when
appropriate and stood when needed to stand. He met Ryan Blakes personal
driver at the airport. A simple “ Are you Magnus?” and nod were all
that were needed. The half hour or so car ride was quiet, except for the
easy listening music the driver had on. His weak attempts at cheerful,
wide eyed small talk were met with the cold, long stare of The Siberian
Lion. Not before long the car arrives at a large house, the driver
leans back, tiping his head, looking at Magnus kind of slanted.
Driver - Well, this is it. We’re here.
Magnus - Vhere, Vhere is “ here? ”
Driver - Be hell if I new, I just know that this is the right address.
Magnus - But Vhere?
Driver - This, here, right here, right now is your new digs, your pad, yo casa sue casa.
Magnus - Whose castle is this?
The driver face palms himself and lets out a groan.
Driver - Just, just, get your stuff and go. You’ll figure it out.
Magnus
gets out of the car, taking a small duffle bag with him. Guess the
Russian packs light or maybe that’s just everything he owns. Either way,
Magnus approaches the house and walks inside with out knocking or even
announcing he’s opening the door. Almost immediately he’s greated by a
some what large man but still no bigger then Magnus.
Man1 - Hey guy, who are ya?
Magnus looks the man over once before responding.
Magnus - I am Magnus ‘ho are you?
Man1 - Magoo? No shit, you look like him. Hey everybody, we got Magoo all up in da house!
“ awwwee yahh boi! “ can be hear echoing through out the house, coming from another room but soon the other occupants come in to check out Magnus.
Man 2 - Whose this f*ckin mook!?
Man 1 - Naa, this is Magoo.
Magnus - I tell you my name, Magnus. Learn it Yankkee man or I Vill KA-RUSH you.
Women 1 - oh, well I think he’s hot.
Man 2 - you would.
The women gets real close to Magnus, brushing up against him, trying to grind on him.
Women 1 - Hey there! Ohh Yahhh..
Magnus - Vhat, Vhat iz ‘dis? Yugoslavian Cave Bear? I killed all of you. How did you survive?
Man 3 - Cave bear? Na, she aint no cave bear, she’s a f*ck’in meat ball.
“ Meatball problems!” can be heard in unison between Magnus’s cave bear lady an her friend as they high five.
Magnus - Magnus no understand. Vhat Meatball, vhat problemz ?
Man 3 - ya know, meat ball.. F*ck’in meat balls. She’s loose like cave bear.
Women 1 - Vinny, shut ya mouth. Ain’t no one talkin’ to you.
Vinny - What eva Snookie.
Magnus - You name cave bear? Vhy Vould you do ’dat? Vhat kind of name, Znookie?
Snookie - It’s my name, sexy.
Magnus - Vho tought it to speak an vear klothz ?
Snookie - Excusse me? Who the f*ck do you think you VAR you VUCKING prick!
Magnus - Not nov cave bear, nobodiez tall-king to youz.
Magnus
puts his hand on Snookies forehead and shoves her away so hard she
stumbles back and falls down. What they would all normally laugh at, has
now become offensive since they don’t know Magnus.
Man 1 - Who the f*ck do you think you are? Commin all up into our house and shit like you own the damn place?
Magnus - Dis iz my home. Magnus live here nov.
Vinny - OHH SHHIT SON!!
Fist pump! Magnus looks curious and cocks his head, trying to immitate what Vinny did.
Magnus - Vat iz ’dis… … ?
Vinny - Fist pump bro. You know, fist pump. Like you’re excited, happy or you’re celebrating.
Magnus - Magnus no un-der-stand.
Vinny - It’s a Jersey thing.
Man 1 - Shut up Vinny! This mook just came in here and put his hands on Snookie!
Vinny - What eva Mike, like who hasn’t ?
Mike - It’s the point.
Magnus - mike, ’der’z no problemz. It’z juzt cave bear. I’ll finish her off later’z.
Vinny I’m sure you will. She wants you deep in her muff.
Magnus - Vhy Vould I Vant to be in her a’ mouth? Magnus just snap her neck, like all rest. Here..
Magnus
goes to walk over to Snookie whose still sittin down, presumably in
shock or just getting ready for Smush Smush but he’s stoped by mike.
Magnus - Mikey, vat is problemz?
Mike - Right f*ckin’ here is ya problem, ya situation.
Mike lifts up his shirt to show off his abs.
Magnus - ‘dose R nice stomach boobs.
Mike - na man, these are my abs!
Magnus again looks confused
Magnus - I knev ‘ittle girl once named Sasha, she vaz how you say, village retards. She had better abs ‘den youz.
Mike - Get da f*ck outta here. You aint seen better abs then these. you’re just jelous.
Magnus - Stomach boobs? No. You Vant abs, here.
Magnus lifts his shirt up revealing that not only does he have an impossible twelve pack of abs, but even those abs have abs.
Magnus - now get out Magnus face before I KA-RUSH you!
Mike - KA-RUSH ? Me ? Crush me? You ain’t crushin’ a damn thing! I’mma crack your skull wide open! Then it’s GTL!
Magnus - Vat iz GTL’z ?
mike - Oh my god! Who are you?
Magnus - I toldz you. Magnus.
Vinny - GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry.
Magnus - Vats that gotz do with Magnus ?
Mike - I’mma do it afta I knock you the f*ck out!
Magnus - Ah’ Magnus, understandz nov.
CRACK!
Magnus head butts Mike as hard as he can, knocking him out cold on the
floor. Magnus squawts down, pointing his finger in his face and yells
very loud.
Magnus - MAGNUS GO TO GYMZ! MAGNUZ NO TANZ !
Magnus stands up, looking at everyone else and points at all of them.
Magnus - ALL DO MAGNUS LAUNDRYZ
Magnus fist pumps.
Magnus
laughs sarcastically, really loud and deep as everyone else nervously
laughs along. Magnus suddenly goes stone face as everyone stops too,
looking both scared and confused.
Magnus - Now Magnus go unpack. I have to prepare for my fight vit Vest and Greenz. To-morrov, I kill cave bear .
For Motha Russia!
IN SOVIET RUSSIA... VOTE DECIDES YOU
~Scene One
" I don't care what you think, he stays!"
" Ryan, this guys a f*ckin' creep plus He knocked Mikey out."
" good, I hate that guy. "
" No one wants him here. "
" 'Cept I do! It's my shore, my rules! Magnus is good for ratings. "
" Well we're taking a vote."
" In Soviet Russia, Ryan Blake decides you. "
" What?"
" No votes, Vinny. I have decided, Magnus stays. End of story. "
~ Scene Two
The
Jersey Shore cast sits around the living room, their normal antics and
party atmosphere has been disrupted by the arrival of Magnus into the
house. His first meeting with them the didn't go smoothly. The house is
split on how they feel about him but some are willing to give him the
chance.
Could they change his ways and Guido him up or will his
Russian straight shooter personality be a constant road block in their
plans? how do they party? How do they Smoosh? For all they know, Magnus
is a serial killer, even though they might welcome that fact. Death
before they settle down an act normal, death before giving up the GTL
life style. Death, Magnus can arrange that.
Amidst their
rambling, Magnus walks into the room, drinking straight up from the
carton of milk. With the angle, you'd think the milk will be all over
his face, neck, chest and floor but he downs the entire carton and
crushes in his hand.
Pauly - Dude, was that my almond milk?
Magnus - No, 'dis waz Magnus milk.
Paul - no way Magoo, thats my milk, everyone knows it.
Magnus - Now it 'tiz magnus.
Pauly - What do you mean, yours?
Magnus - Magnus house, Magnus milk. Vhy youz still here? Leavez. Leavez now bevore Magnus KA-RUSH you.
Vinny - Na, this our house. OUR house. We live here.
Magnus - Now Magnus doz.
JWoW - Who told you that you could live here anyway?
Magnus - Mista Blake. He toldz me 'dat ' diz waz my new homez. Who toldz youz dat youz livez here?
Mike - MTV.
Magnus - Vhat iz MTV's?
Snookie - Hello?! Earth to crazy French guy! All this is MTV!
Magnus
- Youz on Din ize cave bear. Only reazonz I havnt snapped ur neck yet
iz cuz dey teach youz to wear cloths and dislocate you hipz. But I
vatchingz youz.
Vinny - It's what ever guys, at least we're gettin paid. Just stay out of our way Magoo.
Magnus - Blake payz youz?
Vinny - MTV pays us for being on TV. This is a TV show. They don't have TV shows were you're from?
Magnus - No TV out in Siberia, only voodz an zno.
Pauly - Then why are you were?
Magnus - Magnus waz Olympic rassler. Came to America to rassle. Mista Blake iz my boz.
Pauly - like WWE?
Magnus - Vat iz double E'z? Magnus vorkz vor UW an A'z.
Mike -That jersey f*ck down the road?
Magnus - Magnus not knoz? But dz not talkz bout Mista Blake like dat or Magnus choke you out.
Vinny - no, no more of that.
magnus
- Den vash Magnus Laundriz. Magnus haz to train hard for his match
verze Vest an Green. Both have said na-tingz. Both R 'fraid of magnus.
Both vill fall to Magnus an hiz Russian Superiority. Magnus vill vin hiz
verzt match and bring pride to UW of A'z and to motha Russia.
Mike - I don't trust you.
Magnus - Never trust a Russian, only 'diz. Iv youz try Magnus, you will fail.
Pauly - Like Soviet Russia?!
Magnus
- Diz joke. houz vull of Siberian Lion room matez talk ill bout Motha
Russia, none of them leave alive. Funny? Yez! Tru, Yez!
Magnus
shoots Pauly a look and starts laughing hard , everyone nervously joins
in and loud, then Magnus stops and goes stone face as everyone again
suddenly stops, unsure what to do as Magnus abruptly leaves the room.
MAGNUS GOES TO THE DOCTOR
~ Scene One
“ Magnus, how are you holdin’ up? Everything ok?
“ Ev-ry ‘ting iz vine. “
“ How are your room mates? “
“ Lucky to be livingz. “
“ Well that’s good because your opponent is the goddess of the dead. “
“ Magnus - understandz. “
~ Scene Two.
* As Narrated by Morgan Freeman *
In
Siberia the dawn comes when it wants to. The further north you go, the
less likely you are to see it. Sunshine was a luxury not easily
afforded an often times not welcomed. Here in New Jersey it comes every
morning, finely tuned like the clocks from St. Petersburg. It slowly
crept in, through the cracks in the blinds of Magnus’s room, formally
the boys room, now just Magnus’s. What most would consider to be a time
to get up and start the day, awaken from pleasant and wonderful dreams,
Magnus saw as an a front to his existence.
He laid in bed all
night, what he considers night. From the hours of five thirty to five
thirty one. While his house mates bar crawl in from another night of
desecrating an entire culture of people, Magnus shoots up in his bed and
gives the sun light a cold blank, Siberian death stare an it fades away
from the window. Not having slept on a real mattress since his early
child hood, Magnus stands up in his un-American Soviet glory. Not
acclimated to the heat of August, he stands there butt naked with his
hands on his hips, staring out into nothing before turning to leave his
room.
Magnus’s arrival into the hallway was met with groans an
inaudible slurring. Those jersey kids defy logical thinking every time
they do this but it was new to Magnus who paid no attention to it as he
made his way into the bathroom where JWOW was praying to the porcelain
god. Unaware to her, Magnus walked in, still paying no attention. He
stepped into the shower and turned the water on as a strange sound over
took the house.
JWOW continues to
purge as Magnus stands there triumphant in the shower, hands still on
his hips as the water cascades over his body. This goes on for a few
minutes before the others get annoyed and start to loudly ask questions.
Mike - What the F*ck is that?
Pauly - Is that Magoo? Hey, Magoo, turn that music off!
Vinny - Hey Magoo! Kill it already with the jibberish, its five AM!
Pauly - I think he’s in the shower, bro.
Mike - Hey Magoo, get your pasty white ass out of the shower!
Snookie,
with the power of Skank like hearing only hears the words “ ass “ and
“shower.” Suddenly she is reinvigorated with the thoughts of hot shower
sex after a hard night of drinking. She goes to investigate as the boys
rag on her.
Mike - You meatball, go get slammed by the Russian f*ck.
Snookie - Ya jus’ jelous Mike.
Snookie stumbles into the bathroom, almost slipping on the floor as JWOW pulls her out from the toilet.
JWOW - you - BLAHHH…
Oh
lord, its all over the walls an in the cracks of the tile. Some gest on
Snookies cloths but she just strips down anyway and gets into the
shower with Magnus, only to scream in terror and hops back out again,
freezing her little south American nips off.
Snookie - F-F-F- F*CKING COLD!
She whips her head back and looks at Magnus as he steps out of the shower.
Snookie - That shit is freezing!
Magnus - Vat iz matterz, cave bear? You no take the heat no morz?
Snookie - Heat? That was freezing!
Magnus - Magnus always takz warm shover like ‘dat.
Snookie - F*ck that shit!
Magnus glares.
Magnus - I don’t like youz cave bear.
Snookie - ya know what, I don’t like you either! None of us like you! And turn off this damn music, it’s giving me a head ache.
Magnus - ‘Tis Russian National Anthem. It playz ev-ry morning in Russia, even in Siberia.
Snookie - Well you’re in America now, buddy.
Magnus - Vhy R you Stil nakedz, cave bear? Go an do ‘dat trick vhere you put on klothz.
Snookie - Vh don’t youz learn to speak freakin English! Russia lost the war ya know.
Magnus - Vhich var?
Snookie hesitates.
Snookie - All of them! Russia sucks, either learn american or go the f*ck back home.
Magnus
- ‘datz it, Cave bear! Magnus waz gon let you live. He vound yor tricks
amuzing and playful but notz no mor. Ve finish ‘dis! Kom tu da
bed-rum. Dis iz naught vor Sasha’s to C.
Magnus
takes Snookie by the hand and leads her to his bed room. Say it! I’mma
kill there the bear! What one man can do, another can do, SAY IT!
Snookie want smoosh, smoosh.. SAY IT! In true reality TV fashion, the
hidden cameras take over as they enter the room then go black, leaving
you with only audio.
“ I VILL KA-RUSH YOU “
“ KA-RUSH ME.. KA-RUUSHH MMEEE! “
I’d
like to tell you that Snookie fought the good fight. Hell, I’d like to
tell you a lot of things right now but the simple of it all is that I
can’t. Some fish, even the new fish have quickly underestimated an if
what Magnus did to Mike “ The Situation” wasn’t a loud enough statement
that Magnus wasn’t one to be triffeled with then this sure was.
The
others could only listen in horror an bewilderment as the crazy pasty
white guy was doing crazy an devious things to their friend, or so the
though. What Snookie was going to be a good time, a great way to end a
hard night of partying ended up being her last. What started out as a
Soviet prostate exam, resulted in a broken neck for Snookie. No, Magnus
wasn’t lying when he said he’d do it an he did it.
Death by
Smoosh Smoosh or Snoo Snoo, as Magnus called it. Just be glad the
cameras had faded into blackness. It wasn’t a pretty scene, watching a
drunken young women get viciously mauled by a man who killed an entire
bear population with just his hands and a ten inch section of dental
floss, mint, not unscented. It’s been twenty years since Magnus killed
all those bears, how one escaped was beyond him but now he can live out
his days in peace knowing that they’re all gone and never coming back.
Let
us have a moment of silence for one Nicole “ Snookie “ Piozzi. For on
her tomb stone will for ever read- “ meat ball problems.” Well my dear,
your problems are over, thanks to our friend, Siberian Lion.
Russian National Anthem,
I am Morgan Freeman. Deal with it bitches.
~ Scene Three
* Continued Narration by Morgan Freeman. *
Magnus
is in a country he did not know or even care about, opportunity knocked
and he answered. Ryan Blake contacted Magnus because his networks
reach far and wide thanks to his high profile life style. A Russian
tactician, in wrestling? Surely you bitches jest. Blake had to get him.
He needed him for the relaunch of UWA and it will be epic.
Living a life of extreme hardship by our standards from the age of
twelve, Magnus had lived out on his own in the harsh northern Russian
tundra’s where the average temperature for the year is seven. That’s
right, Morgan Freeman said seven. Now do you see why New Jersey Summer
is hot as hell? Makin your sack all stick together, like your forearm to
a leather couch. Yes indeed, having wrestled wild beast and surviving
artic temperatures Magnus had crawled through the proverbial tunnel of
shit and came out clean on the other side. American opportunity was now
at his feet, all he had to do was.. Reach down, touch his toes and
cough, twice.
Per UWA rules and health standards, all UWA talent
has to undergo a physical to make sure that they are fit enough to
compete and keep up with the rigors of life on the road. It was there
in the office of Dr. Howard where Magnus found out the good news.
Dr Howard - Sorry.. Magnus. I can not clear you to complete.
Magnus stands up, pulling up his pants as Dr. Howard flips through his folder.
Magnus - Vhy not?
Dr.
Howard - well one, you don’t have your immunizations, two you’ve never
even been to a doctor previous, we have no records that you even exist
in here or even in Russia. We don’t know what you have or had, so we
don’t know what you’re bringing into the country.
Magnus - Didz you khek under last namez?
Dr. Howard - You have a last name? Well yes, that’ll help considerably. What is it, I’ll check right now.
Magnus - It’Z ah…
Magnus thinks quick for a moment, eyes shifting as his brain tries to come up with a suitable American last name.
Magnus- Yo- Yo -.. YO-hanson.
Dr Howard looks at Magnus with suspicion.
Dr. Howard - Yo- Hanson?
Magnus - Yes. You know, vit the gay.
Dr. Howard - No, can’t say that I do.
Magnus - The gay, the gay.
Magnus is forced to air write the letter “ J “
Dr. Howard - Oh, Jay. Johnson.
Wait a minute, Johnson? The doctor has to think about that one.
Dr. Howard - your name is Magnus Johnson?
Now it’s time for Morgan Freeman to tell you a joke. In Soviet Russia
dick jokes YOU. I’d be a comedian but I’m just too damn suave. Just
call me Enrico Morgan Sauvé. Well the doctor takes his word for it and
goes over to the computer that’s sitting on a desk in the room and
searches through the files. Magnus crosses his arms, almost daring the
doctor to come up empty handed.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus, I don’t see anything under your name. What about your doctor?
Magnus - Check under Vood-pekR.
Dr. Howard - What are you dickin with me?
No, unfortunately he is not.
Dr. Howard - Your doctor was a woodpecker ? Like, honest to goodnees, wood pecker?
Magnus - Yez, he vas local vood pecker, gynecologist. He check out lady va-gin.
Dr. Howard - Well that’s a specialist, Magnus. Then again, out there where you lived, you take the help where you can get it.
Dr
Howard types in “ Vood Packer. “ into the field labeled “ care taker”
but comes up with zero search results. Dr Howard turns around towards
Magnus and hangs his head for a moment before looking back up at him.
Dr.
Howard - Well Magnus. There’s no record of you ever going to a doctor
an since you’re from another country an your only here on a work visa,
with out your immunizations, we’ll have to quarantine you. Unless that
is, you can afford the payment for the injections. That way we can at
least you a running start.
Magnus - Magnus haz no ruble. Magnus can not afford.
Dr. Howard - Then we’ll have to quarantine you.
Magnus - Vat iz ‘diz ?
Dr. Howard - Means we’ll have to stick you in a room for six months. In that time you’ll either die or be ok.
Magnus - ‘Ho much doz it kozt? Magnus vill vin da ruble vhen he KA-RUSH opponentz nezt veek.
Dr.
Howard - It cost a few thousand dollars, considering the circumstances
an unfortunately you can’t comete next week because you havent been
cleared too.
Magnus - But Magnus von last veek.
Dr. Howard - You competed last week? Oh, your employer could face some severe legal ramifications for that.
Magnus - Magnus kall Mista Blake. Mista Blake vill put up ruble.
Dr. Howard - Then I suggest you call him and we can set up an appointment.
Magnus
nods as he puts his shirt back on, now knowing what he must do in order
to capture the UWA World Championship. He leaves the room as the doctor
just shakes his head over the nut job that he just had to tend too,
knowing that he’ll be back sooner rather then later.
Well sooner
rather then later arrives as Magnus walks back into the same examining
room that he was just in, no more then five minutes after he left. He
was given the green light by Ryan Blake, money is of little object,
assuming Ryan can get his weekly teeth whiting sessions and fu-fu hair
appointments. Magnus had no concept of such things, he knew only
survival and wrestling was a part of that survival. Magnus walks and
looks at the doctor and laughs at him with a straight face. This causes
the doctor to laugh with a nervous reaction and get quite timid when
Magnus stops laughing.
Dr. Howard - What, are we.. Um.. Laughing at.
Magnus - Gud newz, Magnus no hav tu killz you.
Dr. Howard - So you can afford the shots? That’s good, I’ll get some blood drawn right away. Hold our your arm please.
Doctor Howard moves towards the cabinets and fishes out some good ol’
fashion poking instruments of the finest caliber. A needle, strap, gauze
an iodine pad and the good doctor has all that he needs. He turns back
and swabs the immediate area and tries to stick Magnus. Low and behold,
what do you know, the needle broke as he tried to pierce Magnus’s arm.
Magnus - ‘Dat von’t vork. My aRmz R how you zay, Kevlar.
Dr. Howard - Then how do I draw blood, we’ll have to cut your arm open.
Magnus - Magnus haz better ideaz.
Magnus puts his finger in his mouth and bites down
Dr. Howard - Oh dear lord! I’m gonna have to stitch that back up.
And
boom goes the dynamite, bitches. Boom goes the dynamite an off goes the
finger. Magnus’s finger starts bleeding profusely as doctor Howard
scrambles to catch the blood in a cup to bring to the lab.
Magnus - It’s ‘K. It’ll grow back tomarrowz.
Dr. Howard - I don’t even want to know.
It
takes a lot to make a doctor cringe and want to bomb his biscuits all
over the floor. This right here, watching another man, sober as a jay
bird in may, biting his own finger off like it was a hang nail was
almost too much to bear. Quickly doctor Howard seals up the cup and
rushes out of the room, holding back the gag sicking on the back of his
throat. He leaves Magnus in there for a whole, a real long while but
Magnus just stood there with that same old blank stare, as if he’s going
to win a staring contest against a brick wall.
The Doctor walks back in as Magnus’s gaze floats over towards him. Looking back up from his charts, it can’t possibly good news.
Dr. Howard - I’m sorry, Magnus. I can’t clear you to compete. Your blood test has shown positive.
Magnus - Positive iz gud, yez?
Dr.
Howard- No, that’s bad. You’ve tested positive for GHB, testosterone, a
host of things that have yet to be identified an the apparent cure for
herpes. Have you ever taken steroids Magnus?
Magnus - Magnus no take steroids. Only what Motha Russia has provided him.
Dr. Howard - Right well, as of now, I can’t clear you. You gotta be clean. In fact, we have to quarantine you.
Magnus - You put Magnus in cage? Magnus Vill be in cage next veek against goddess ov da ded.
Dr.Howard - I’m Sorry.
Magnus - Magnus tu.
~ Scene Four
* Continuing narration by Morgan Freeman *
Magnus
is not a man who will be held back by something such as doctors orders.
He may not be medically cleared to compete but his mind, body and soul
is. Two weeks in America and he is competing for the Biggest prize in
UWA. Cage match, normal match, a tight rope scaffold match. The
stipulation does matter to Magnus. It has no bearing on Magnus’s train
of thought. He has one though. Victory. He has another thought. Pride.
Pride for mother Russia. For Magnus this is about coming clear across
the world and doing what he’s done from years. From woodland survival to
Olympic wrestling- all the way to Midsummer Massacre. Magnus has been
through a lot and this is where it culminates. Ms. Kane may call upon
her minions and servants, hide behind darkness and tricks. Well that’s
just fine an dandy. Fine an dandy like a tall glass of sweat tea on a
hot summer night.
But miss Kane, this is not a hot summer night.
This might be Midsummer massacre but inside that cage, as you’ll soon
find out. It’s bone chillingly cold. Frost bite in the third degree, So
cold it could freeze a polar bears nips off in the blink of an eye.
That’s the fact of the matter Ms. Kane. In that ring, in that cage,
you’re going against a man, not cleared to compete, not part of this
country and he has nothing to lose. You? Well I suppose you can tell us
that you have about as much to lose as a quadruple amputee in a wood
chipper but we all know that you’ll just be lying to not only the fans
but to yourself.
Why wasn’t it last week when you told Eric
price that you had no problem killing him, that your minions had no
problem killing him? It was last week, if I remember correctly,, which I
do. Want to know why? Because I’m Morgan freeman bitch! You wish you
had me narrate your life in knee slapping comedic fashion. Tell us
though how you can come off so hard and powerful in one breath, so much
so as to claim that you could take a mans life but then folly into the
pit falls of love and loss.
Do you know what you are Ms. Kane? A
fraud. Yah, Morgan Freeman just called you a fraud. What chu gonna do
about that? Shit, I bet you’re just gonna brood in your holly wood
special effects castle and whine about.
See this… this is the
words smallest violin, playing especially for you. Courtesy of The
Siberian Lion. It’s a sweet and soothing song. Get used to hearing it
being played because you’ll be hearing it a lot. Each an every time you
step into the ring with my Soviet friend. Take a good look at it to
because this is your first time and your last time that not only will
you be stepping in the ring with him but the last time you’ll be
competing for a chance to capture that UWA World title.
Do you
know what you lack? Aside from everything? Everything. You may have one
of the greatest records in the entire world but records ms. Kane,
records were made to be broken. KA-RUSHED if you will. This coming week,
in that cage you might do it for the title or for the recognition or
for the fact that you could never truly get it done in the ring, even
with all your hocus pocus bullshit powers. I was god, bitch, who are you
trying to fool? So as you sit there brooding in your castle milling
over weather or not twilight was an accurate portrayal of who it is you
are but what you are is nothing.
Insignificant.
That’s what you really are.
Wednesday
night, that’ll be exposed an you’ll have no where to go and no place to
hide your shame and you shall bow down to the Russian Superiority of
The Siberian Lion in the shame an undeniable truth of a steel cage. The
world will witness your unraveling my dear girl. When you lose in the
second match of your UWA career, so much for that record. So much for
that streak, those hopes and dreams. That ability to sit an say that you
are feared or should be feared.
It’ll all be thrown to the
winds by The Siberian lion and for what?The UWA World Championship.
Bowing is not a skilled well taken by people like you, so go practice in
the mirror, or bend down and bake a cake or something.
Ya, cake sounds good.
Morgan Freeman likes chocolate
chocolate is delicious..
But not as delicious as Magnus defeating you in the eyes of the world.
And the eyes of his home land.
For motha Russia..
And Morgan Freeman because he wants cake.
SIBERIAN LAUNDRY SERVICE
~ Scene One
“ You killed her?! “
“ Itz juz cave bear, not big dealz. “
“ You killed the star of Jersey Shore!”
“ She vaz in Magnus home. “
“ What are you gonna do about Necra?”
“ Magnus live many placez. Never vaz he caged animalz. Magnus iz meant to be free. Magnus vill be free. “
~ Scene Two
* As narrated by Morgan Freeman *
A
mad Russian, with nothing to lose, everything to gain an in the heart
of controversy. A non US citizen, living off a work visa in one of the
shittiest shit hole states this side of Rhode Island who just killed
the most popular star of one of the most popular TV shows in modern
American history. He did all of us a favor if you ask me.
So
now it’s just Magnus in the Shore House with the rest of the cast. One
would think that there would be tempers flaring, fist pumps a flyin and
spray tan juice every which way but up. It would be if your name was
Justin Beiber or that “ call me maybe chick. “ It’s not though, it’s the
Siberian Lion, and what does an indoctrinated Soviet do with four
uneducated, mentally defected Americans do? Yup you guessed it. No
ticky - no laundry.
Magnus an the sweat shop laundry service.
There’s
our favorite Russian, in all his ride and glory , standing on a
pedestal over seeing the day to day operations of the Shore House.
Pauly, Mike, Vinny and JWOW are hard at work with their faces to the
grind stone. The ticking and clattering of suing machines over take your
senses. The temperature is nearing the mid nineties, the smell is god
awful. Like rotten catfish mixed with really cheap cologne an hair gel.
There was another Shore member, Dena- poor Dena. She didn’t make it,
dropped like a pigeon tied to a boulder and tossed from the space
station, manned by a Russian Cosmonaut. Everything’s been running
swimmingly for the past few days as “ Siberian Laundry Service “ as
taken flight off the ground. Flashes of the cave bear incident still
fresh in their minds made them complacent an weary of speaking up
against their tyrant dictator.
A large portrait of Magnus hangs
on the wall behind him, looking distinguished and stern, looking down
on those to gaze before his greatness, feeling insignificant an
inconsequential by comparison. Good thing there is no comparing Magnus
to other human beings, let alone Americans or lets say.. Greeks.
One
hundred an eight hours straight. Four an a half days. The Shore house
works with out sleep or breaks, on the brink of fatal exhaustion. The
pussies. In Russia, a toddler could work four an half days and not shed a
tear or squeeze out a drop of piss. These Americans had a lot to learn
and Magnus will teach him.
The door bell rings? Well shit,
who could that be? OSHA? Jahova Witness ? No, can’t be. They’re all
locked in the basement. It rings again then again. Each ring twitches
the eye of Magnus. It tugs on his ears like a rotten child begging for a
toy. Finally the enraged Russian gives in, marching over an answers the
door.
Magnus - Vat?!
Man 1 - Are you Magnus Johnson?
Magnus - Vho R you, Yankee ?
Man 2 - Is this the headquaters of “ Siberian Laundry Service?”
Magnus - ‘ Diz iz magnus home. Magnus house matez do Magnus laundry.
JWOW butts in across the room, opening up that wide ass meat ball mouth of hers.
JWOW - he only has one bag, where does it all come from?
Bitch
better close her mouth before Morgan Freeman has to open up a can of
whoop ass on a poor little white bitch. Magnus snaps his head back and
glares at her before laughing at her with a stone face then turns back
to the men at the door, continuing to laugh before abruptly stopping.
They lightly chuckle to break the tension but then kindly gets the front
door to the face. No sooner does Magnus take a step away, is there a
nock at the door again. He flings open the door and looks coldy at the
two men.
Magnus - Vhich one ov you diez virst?
Man
1 - Magnus, you’ve just been put on notice by G.S.S Laundry an Co. You
have three days to comply or you forfeit all rights and wellness to your
business.
Magnus - Diz not business, Diz iz life.
Man 2 - So isn’t this. You have three days. You’ve been warned.
Magnus - Vat happens if Magnus no comply?
Man 2 - Then our employer will be very upset. And you don’t want to see our employer very upset.
Magnus - Magnus understand.
They
gave Magnus a three day warning. Magnus gave tem no such luxury. The
taller of the two men took a moonsault kick to the face, other a hay
maker punch that shatterd his jaw. Magnus looks down at them, glaring.
Magnus - You jaw iz veaker then pelvis of cave bear.
Magnus
closes the door on the two men, inviting the repercussion of G.S.S
laundry an Co. Magnus has focus. Ms. Necra Kane better get that priss
nose of out of books of hers and jump that ghetto booty back into
reality. The reality that Magnus isn’t going to gimmick his way into his
first title win.
~ Scene Three
* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *
In front of the UWA MidSummer Massacre backdrop stands seasoned interviewer Mathew Rogers, lead stick man for UWA.
Mathew
Rogers - Good evening UWA! Mathew Rogers here, just minutes before we
go live with the first UWA re launch Pay Per View, Mid Summer Massacre.
We have an excieting card lined up for you all tonight where we WILL
crown the Rush Hour and World Champion, in a cage match no less.
Speaking of that, I have with me right now one of the participants of
the World title cage match. Magnus, The Siberian Lion! Now we’ve seen
Magnus on TV, tearing apart the cast mates of Jersey Shore, both
literally or figuratively. Right here, right now, I have with me the man
of very few words to try an get his insight on this match and his
experiences with UWA.
The camera pans back to reveal Magnus in his ring gear standing next to Mathew Rogers.
Mathew
Rogers- Magnus! To say that you’re eccentric is an understatement.
You’ve been here not even two weeks yet an we’ve seen you turn The
jersey Shore on it’s head, not to mention completely dominate not one
but two opponents last week in your match against Zayne West an Eric
Green. What we don’t know is Magnus the man, behind the Russian flag.
Do you care to tell us about yourself so your fans out there can better
get to know you? For instance how did you end up in the Russian
Wilderness for most of your life?
Magnus - Magnus gru up N vilderness for motha Russia. Every year, one child iz taken from hiz home in service of his motherland.
Mathew Rogers - but why ?
Magnus - Every Russian iz proud to serve hiz Kountry vit out Kuestion.
Mathew Rogers - Well then how did you gain such a well renowned wrestling skill?
Magnus - Magnus vaz trained by top Soviet Olympic vrestlerz after he Kompleted years of grueling training out in vilderness.
Mathew
Rogers - Well certainly its paid off because you’re here main evinting
your very first pay per view in your very first wrestling promotion and
for the UWA title no less. You must be excited.
Magnus - No.
Mathew Rogers - No? Why not ? Necra is excited. She’s talked a lot about it.
Magnus
- Magnus iz not Xceited ‘cuz Magnus New it Vould happen. Vat do you
Xpext vhen you put magnus up gainzt guyz liK Vest N Green. Da prowess ov
da Siberian Lion is beyond human komprehenzion. Magnus doz vhat needz
tu B done an dats it. Not American pridez or Ego. Just Russian
superiority. Ms. Kane she Xeited because even though she zayz other
vize, she vaz surprised herself dat she von. She needz tu talk an talk,
she iz Women. Dats vat she does. She like Yugoslovian chatter-mule. You
cant getz her tu shut up. Dey only re-pond tu one ‘ding.
Mathew Rogers - Well she’s had a lot to say about you concerning this match.
Magnus - so didn’t cave bear. You C how ‘dat vorked out, no?
Mathew Rogers - Well if you didn’t catch it, we got a clip right here for you.
A
highlight clip of Necra’s promo’s roll for Magnus and for those at
home. Tell ya one thing, Morgan freeman is one tired negro in regards to
this chick. It’s the same damn thing every single time. Finally, thank
his lord Morgan Freeman that the clip ended and there is Magnus laughing
with that classic straight face of his.
Mathew Rogers - Well?
Magnus - Vell vhat? Vhat iz hardcore?
Mathew
Rogers - means that she can take a chair shot to the head and can go
through a flaming table and such. She can take pain.
Magnus - Pain? Did she not zee Magnus bite off own thumb? Or Dat Magnus kill entire Yugoslavian cave bear population ?
Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, like I said, she can take pain.
Magnus
- Magnus hear diz lotz. Nex Vorld champion yet they say no mor vordz.
It’z their time to zhine yet they speak like children bookz. Dey can
take painz until magnuz snaps der neck.
Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, it’s a cage. You have to escape the cage to win.
Magnus - Magnus no escape da kage. Kage haz tu escape Magnus. Kage can not escape Magnus. Necra kane kan not escape Magnus.
Mathew
Rogers - What about her comments about you not gaining ground in this
match? That she won’t let someone like you stand in her way of the UWA
title?
Magnus - Magnus no gain
ground? ‘Diz Zilly. O course Magus no gain ground. Magnus ownz da
ground. Magnuz iz var superior then she iz N diz match. On an on she
vent about her sickness. Sickness. She muzt B sick ty tink dat she vill
overcome Da Siberian Lion in vrestling match. Out Vrestle Magnus?
Impossible. Out vight Magnus? You haz better chance to out vrestle
Magnus.
Mathew Rogers - What about her not letting you ruin her chance for the UWA title?
Magnus
- Her chanzes runined once she vas put vit Magnus vor da UWA title. Der
iz nothingz she kan say to change dat. You step into ring vit magnus,
you no valk out. Necra no leave vit da UWA title. Dat magnus belt. Vorld
Title for Magnus, vorld title for motha Russia.
Mathew Rogers - well this is your first title match, where as she has had many. You’re lacking experience.
Magnus
- Experience iz shown in many forms. One iz but shutting mouth. Iv she
had experience then she had no need to mention itz. Shez never had
Vorld title match, neither doz magnus. Tonight iz our first. Tonight iz
her lazt. Cage iz ment for two things. Vomen an Animals. Necra is both
becuze Magnus will beat her like animalz. Take ur piktures kids, capture
this example of Russian Sueriority aginst those far tu inferior in
realize that greatness of Magnus an Motha Russia.
Tonites iz
vhere Motha Russia ressurektz on da shoulders of her favorite zon. Necra
doz diz vor herself to make self feel better cuz she iz women. Magnuz
does diz for the pride an honor of motha Russia. An dat iz all he needs.
Two hands to snap her neck an make her submit to my superior skill,
datz all it vill take.
For Motha Russia, Magnus vill claim victory da only vay Soviet knows how. By KA-RUSHING all ’ho stand before him.
~Scene Four
* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *
So
this is put up or shut up time, Necra. I hope you got your kiss the
cook apron and some bright an warm oven mitts. You’ll need them because
you’ll be baking a lot of cake an eating A LOT of crow. If Morgan Free
man suggest and trust me, he will suggest - that you stop reading from
your little magic books and step away from your fantasies of a happy
life with an old flame because that simply is not reality. It’s not
reality when you step into that ring with Magnus. That tough chick, Mary
Sue routine may work for the movies but this shit right here, right
now, this is very real. That’s a real cage, not a cage where your sick
and twisted lust of blood an gore will offer any hope. This is a
certified mad Russian that your going head to head with. Let that sink
in for a moment. Here, here.. Take a moment.
…
…
…
There.
How bout now? No? still cant grasp it well f*ck you because Morgan
freeman is going to continue. Tonight is your chance at World title
greatness. Tonight WAS your chance at World Title greatness, if it were
up against anyone else but it’s not. Do you think your daddy issues are
going to change that? Is your boyfriend going to change that? Do you
have reasons beyond mortal understanding to win a monetary possession?
Yah, Morgan Freeman bets you do. Reasons beyond mortal understand, my
ass! Don’t lie to Morgan Freeman, just level with him. He’s a nice
enough guy, or so I heard.
You Ms. Necra kane are just a women
floating through out life with out purpose, hoping for something greater
then the life in shit bum Iwoa or where ever the hell it is you’re from
because Greece? Yah sure, Greece an I’m Irish. Necra lets just level
this right now. You are going up against a wrestling machine. A man bred
to wrestle, bred to win for a sense of pride an honor not understood
outside his home land. You get back to Morgan Freeman when you figure
out how that works.
Until then, enjoy looking like the joke that
you are in front of the millions you claim to entertain with your
brooding and painful banter. Let Morgan freeman give you a few tips.
Go back to your locker room
Get your little bags and make up kit
Leave the arena and get on a plane
and go far, far away.
Those are good tips but unfortunately theres a few things wrong with it.
1. Magnus will still find you. He will not rest until you’re beyond recognition.
2. Morgan Free will not stop until he gets cake.
So
there you have it Ms. Kane. You’re well and screwed and not in that
lost in a porno kind of way. More like locked in a steel cage with a
crazied man who only knows victory and the costs of obtaining that
victory for the pride of his home land in the form of the UWA world
title
and Morgan Freeman who will get his cake.
Remember Morgan Freeman likes chocolate cake..chocolate on chocolate.. Mm. mmm. Good.
~ Scene One
" But Mista Blake, Vhere should Magnus stay? "
" Don't worry Magnus, I have it all worked out for you. "
" Gud, it better meet Magnus, high standarz. "
" Oh, I think it'll do more then just that. "
~ Scene Two
The
sunlight burned Magnus’s nose and the stench of America suffocated his
eyes. The long trip may have made others weary, tired, but not Magnus.
The ten hour flight time would make anyone else jet lagged, the time
transition would rewind and twist their internal clocks but not Magnus.
Ten hours and no food would make anyones stomach burn it’s self alive in
protest but Magnus just sat there. He sat there on the plane when
appropriate and stood when needed to stand. He met Ryan Blakes personal
driver at the airport. A simple “ Are you Magnus?” and nod were all
that were needed. The half hour or so car ride was quiet, except for the
easy listening music the driver had on. His weak attempts at cheerful,
wide eyed small talk were met with the cold, long stare of The Siberian
Lion. Not before long the car arrives at a large house, the driver
leans back, tiping his head, looking at Magnus kind of slanted.
Driver - Well, this is it. We’re here.
Magnus - Vhere, Vhere is “ here? ”
Driver - Be hell if I new, I just know that this is the right address.
Magnus - But Vhere?
Driver - This, here, right here, right now is your new digs, your pad, yo casa sue casa.
Magnus - Whose castle is this?
The driver face palms himself and lets out a groan.
Driver - Just, just, get your stuff and go. You’ll figure it out.
Magnus
gets out of the car, taking a small duffle bag with him. Guess the
Russian packs light or maybe that’s just everything he owns. Either way,
Magnus approaches the house and walks inside with out knocking or even
announcing he’s opening the door. Almost immediately he’s greated by a
some what large man but still no bigger then Magnus.
Man1 - Hey guy, who are ya?
Magnus looks the man over once before responding.
Magnus - I am Magnus ‘ho are you?
Man1 - Magoo? No shit, you look like him. Hey everybody, we got Magoo all up in da house!
“ awwwee yahh boi! “ can be hear echoing through out the house, coming from another room but soon the other occupants come in to check out Magnus.
Man 2 - Whose this f*ckin mook!?
Man 1 - Naa, this is Magoo.
Magnus - I tell you my name, Magnus. Learn it Yankkee man or I Vill KA-RUSH you.
Women 1 - oh, well I think he’s hot.
Man 2 - you would.
The women gets real close to Magnus, brushing up against him, trying to grind on him.
Women 1 - Hey there! Ohh Yahhh..
Magnus - Vhat, Vhat iz ‘dis? Yugoslavian Cave Bear? I killed all of you. How did you survive?
Man 3 - Cave bear? Na, she aint no cave bear, she’s a f*ck’in meat ball.
“ Meatball problems!” can be heard in unison between Magnus’s cave bear lady an her friend as they high five.
Magnus - Magnus no understand. Vhat Meatball, vhat problemz ?
Man 3 - ya know, meat ball.. F*ck’in meat balls. She’s loose like cave bear.
Women 1 - Vinny, shut ya mouth. Ain’t no one talkin’ to you.
Vinny - What eva Snookie.
Magnus - You name cave bear? Vhy Vould you do ’dat? Vhat kind of name, Znookie?
Snookie - It’s my name, sexy.
Magnus - Vho tought it to speak an vear klothz ?
Snookie - Excusse me? Who the f*ck do you think you VAR you VUCKING prick!
Magnus - Not nov cave bear, nobodiez tall-king to youz.
Magnus
puts his hand on Snookies forehead and shoves her away so hard she
stumbles back and falls down. What they would all normally laugh at, has
now become offensive since they don’t know Magnus.
Man 1 - Who the f*ck do you think you are? Commin all up into our house and shit like you own the damn place?
Magnus - Dis iz my home. Magnus live here nov.
Vinny - OHH SHHIT SON!!
Fist pump! Magnus looks curious and cocks his head, trying to immitate what Vinny did.
Magnus - Vat iz ’dis… … ?
Vinny - Fist pump bro. You know, fist pump. Like you’re excited, happy or you’re celebrating.
Magnus - Magnus no un-der-stand.
Vinny - It’s a Jersey thing.
Man 1 - Shut up Vinny! This mook just came in here and put his hands on Snookie!
Vinny - What eva Mike, like who hasn’t ?
Mike - It’s the point.
Magnus - mike, ’der’z no problemz. It’z juzt cave bear. I’ll finish her off later’z.
Vinny I’m sure you will. She wants you deep in her muff.
Magnus - Vhy Vould I Vant to be in her a’ mouth? Magnus just snap her neck, like all rest. Here..
Magnus
goes to walk over to Snookie whose still sittin down, presumably in
shock or just getting ready for Smush Smush but he’s stoped by mike.
Magnus - Mikey, vat is problemz?
Mike - Right f*ckin’ here is ya problem, ya situation.
Mike lifts up his shirt to show off his abs.
Magnus - ‘dose R nice stomach boobs.
Mike - na man, these are my abs!
Magnus again looks confused
Magnus - I knev ‘ittle girl once named Sasha, she vaz how you say, village retards. She had better abs ‘den youz.
Mike - Get da f*ck outta here. You aint seen better abs then these. you’re just jelous.
Magnus - Stomach boobs? No. You Vant abs, here.
Magnus lifts his shirt up revealing that not only does he have an impossible twelve pack of abs, but even those abs have abs.
Magnus - now get out Magnus face before I KA-RUSH you!
Mike - KA-RUSH ? Me ? Crush me? You ain’t crushin’ a damn thing! I’mma crack your skull wide open! Then it’s GTL!
Magnus - Vat iz GTL’z ?
mike - Oh my god! Who are you?
Magnus - I toldz you. Magnus.
Vinny - GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry.
Magnus - Vats that gotz do with Magnus ?
Mike - I’mma do it afta I knock you the f*ck out!
Magnus - Ah’ Magnus, understandz nov.
CRACK!
Magnus head butts Mike as hard as he can, knocking him out cold on the
floor. Magnus squawts down, pointing his finger in his face and yells
very loud.
Magnus - MAGNUS GO TO GYMZ! MAGNUZ NO TANZ !
Magnus stands up, looking at everyone else and points at all of them.
Magnus - ALL DO MAGNUS LAUNDRYZ
Magnus fist pumps.
Magnus
laughs sarcastically, really loud and deep as everyone else nervously
laughs along. Magnus suddenly goes stone face as everyone stops too,
looking both scared and confused.
Magnus - Now Magnus go unpack. I have to prepare for my fight vit Vest and Greenz. To-morrov, I kill cave bear .
For Motha Russia!
IN SOVIET RUSSIA... VOTE DECIDES YOU
~Scene One
" I don't care what you think, he stays!"
" Ryan, this guys a f*ckin' creep plus He knocked Mikey out."
" good, I hate that guy. "
" No one wants him here. "
" 'Cept I do! It's my shore, my rules! Magnus is good for ratings. "
" Well we're taking a vote."
" In Soviet Russia, Ryan Blake decides you. "
" What?"
" No votes, Vinny. I have decided, Magnus stays. End of story. "
~ Scene Two
The
Jersey Shore cast sits around the living room, their normal antics and
party atmosphere has been disrupted by the arrival of Magnus into the
house. His first meeting with them the didn't go smoothly. The house is
split on how they feel about him but some are willing to give him the
chance.
Could they change his ways and Guido him up or will his
Russian straight shooter personality be a constant road block in their
plans? how do they party? How do they Smoosh? For all they know, Magnus
is a serial killer, even though they might welcome that fact. Death
before they settle down an act normal, death before giving up the GTL
life style. Death, Magnus can arrange that.
Amidst their
rambling, Magnus walks into the room, drinking straight up from the
carton of milk. With the angle, you'd think the milk will be all over
his face, neck, chest and floor but he downs the entire carton and
crushes in his hand.
Pauly - Dude, was that my almond milk?
Magnus - No, 'dis waz Magnus milk.
Paul - no way Magoo, thats my milk, everyone knows it.
Magnus - Now it 'tiz magnus.
Pauly - What do you mean, yours?
Magnus - Magnus house, Magnus milk. Vhy youz still here? Leavez. Leavez now bevore Magnus KA-RUSH you.
Vinny - Na, this our house. OUR house. We live here.
Magnus - Now Magnus doz.
JWoW - Who told you that you could live here anyway?
Magnus - Mista Blake. He toldz me 'dat ' diz waz my new homez. Who toldz youz dat youz livez here?
Mike - MTV.
Magnus - Vhat iz MTV's?
Snookie - Hello?! Earth to crazy French guy! All this is MTV!
Magnus
- Youz on Din ize cave bear. Only reazonz I havnt snapped ur neck yet
iz cuz dey teach youz to wear cloths and dislocate you hipz. But I
vatchingz youz.
Vinny - It's what ever guys, at least we're gettin paid. Just stay out of our way Magoo.
Magnus - Blake payz youz?
Vinny - MTV pays us for being on TV. This is a TV show. They don't have TV shows were you're from?
Magnus - No TV out in Siberia, only voodz an zno.
Pauly - Then why are you were?
Magnus - Magnus waz Olympic rassler. Came to America to rassle. Mista Blake iz my boz.
Pauly - like WWE?
Magnus - Vat iz double E'z? Magnus vorkz vor UW an A'z.
Mike -That jersey f*ck down the road?
Magnus - Magnus not knoz? But dz not talkz bout Mista Blake like dat or Magnus choke you out.
Vinny - no, no more of that.
magnus
- Den vash Magnus Laundriz. Magnus haz to train hard for his match
verze Vest an Green. Both have said na-tingz. Both R 'fraid of magnus.
Both vill fall to Magnus an hiz Russian Superiority. Magnus vill vin hiz
verzt match and bring pride to UW of A'z and to motha Russia.
Mike - I don't trust you.
Magnus - Never trust a Russian, only 'diz. Iv youz try Magnus, you will fail.
Pauly - Like Soviet Russia?!
Magnus
- Diz joke. houz vull of Siberian Lion room matez talk ill bout Motha
Russia, none of them leave alive. Funny? Yez! Tru, Yez!
Magnus
shoots Pauly a look and starts laughing hard , everyone nervously joins
in and loud, then Magnus stops and goes stone face as everyone again
suddenly stops, unsure what to do as Magnus abruptly leaves the room.
MAGNUS GOES TO THE DOCTOR
~ Scene One
“ Magnus, how are you holdin’ up? Everything ok?
“ Ev-ry ‘ting iz vine. “
“ How are your room mates? “
“ Lucky to be livingz. “
“ Well that’s good because your opponent is the goddess of the dead. “
“ Magnus - understandz. “
~ Scene Two.
* As Narrated by Morgan Freeman *
In
Siberia the dawn comes when it wants to. The further north you go, the
less likely you are to see it. Sunshine was a luxury not easily
afforded an often times not welcomed. Here in New Jersey it comes every
morning, finely tuned like the clocks from St. Petersburg. It slowly
crept in, through the cracks in the blinds of Magnus’s room, formally
the boys room, now just Magnus’s. What most would consider to be a time
to get up and start the day, awaken from pleasant and wonderful dreams,
Magnus saw as an a front to his existence.
He laid in bed all
night, what he considers night. From the hours of five thirty to five
thirty one. While his house mates bar crawl in from another night of
desecrating an entire culture of people, Magnus shoots up in his bed and
gives the sun light a cold blank, Siberian death stare an it fades away
from the window. Not having slept on a real mattress since his early
child hood, Magnus stands up in his un-American Soviet glory. Not
acclimated to the heat of August, he stands there butt naked with his
hands on his hips, staring out into nothing before turning to leave his
room.
Magnus’s arrival into the hallway was met with groans an
inaudible slurring. Those jersey kids defy logical thinking every time
they do this but it was new to Magnus who paid no attention to it as he
made his way into the bathroom where JWOW was praying to the porcelain
god. Unaware to her, Magnus walked in, still paying no attention. He
stepped into the shower and turned the water on as a strange sound over
took the house.
JWOW continues to
purge as Magnus stands there triumphant in the shower, hands still on
his hips as the water cascades over his body. This goes on for a few
minutes before the others get annoyed and start to loudly ask questions.
Mike - What the F*ck is that?
Pauly - Is that Magoo? Hey, Magoo, turn that music off!
Vinny - Hey Magoo! Kill it already with the jibberish, its five AM!
Pauly - I think he’s in the shower, bro.
Mike - Hey Magoo, get your pasty white ass out of the shower!
Snookie,
with the power of Skank like hearing only hears the words “ ass “ and
“shower.” Suddenly she is reinvigorated with the thoughts of hot shower
sex after a hard night of drinking. She goes to investigate as the boys
rag on her.
Mike - You meatball, go get slammed by the Russian f*ck.
Snookie - Ya jus’ jelous Mike.
Snookie stumbles into the bathroom, almost slipping on the floor as JWOW pulls her out from the toilet.
JWOW - you - BLAHHH…
Oh
lord, its all over the walls an in the cracks of the tile. Some gest on
Snookies cloths but she just strips down anyway and gets into the
shower with Magnus, only to scream in terror and hops back out again,
freezing her little south American nips off.
Snookie - F-F-F- F*CKING COLD!
She whips her head back and looks at Magnus as he steps out of the shower.
Snookie - That shit is freezing!
Magnus - Vat iz matterz, cave bear? You no take the heat no morz?
Snookie - Heat? That was freezing!
Magnus - Magnus always takz warm shover like ‘dat.
Snookie - F*ck that shit!
Magnus glares.
Magnus - I don’t like youz cave bear.
Snookie - ya know what, I don’t like you either! None of us like you! And turn off this damn music, it’s giving me a head ache.
Magnus - ‘Tis Russian National Anthem. It playz ev-ry morning in Russia, even in Siberia.
Snookie - Well you’re in America now, buddy.
Magnus - Vhy R you Stil nakedz, cave bear? Go an do ‘dat trick vhere you put on klothz.
Snookie - Vh don’t youz learn to speak freakin English! Russia lost the war ya know.
Magnus - Vhich var?
Snookie hesitates.
Snookie - All of them! Russia sucks, either learn american or go the f*ck back home.
Magnus
- ‘datz it, Cave bear! Magnus waz gon let you live. He vound yor tricks
amuzing and playful but notz no mor. Ve finish ‘dis! Kom tu da
bed-rum. Dis iz naught vor Sasha’s to C.
Magnus
takes Snookie by the hand and leads her to his bed room. Say it! I’mma
kill there the bear! What one man can do, another can do, SAY IT!
Snookie want smoosh, smoosh.. SAY IT! In true reality TV fashion, the
hidden cameras take over as they enter the room then go black, leaving
you with only audio.
“ I VILL KA-RUSH YOU “
“ KA-RUSH ME.. KA-RUUSHH MMEEE! “
I’d
like to tell you that Snookie fought the good fight. Hell, I’d like to
tell you a lot of things right now but the simple of it all is that I
can’t. Some fish, even the new fish have quickly underestimated an if
what Magnus did to Mike “ The Situation” wasn’t a loud enough statement
that Magnus wasn’t one to be triffeled with then this sure was.
The
others could only listen in horror an bewilderment as the crazy pasty
white guy was doing crazy an devious things to their friend, or so the
though. What Snookie was going to be a good time, a great way to end a
hard night of partying ended up being her last. What started out as a
Soviet prostate exam, resulted in a broken neck for Snookie. No, Magnus
wasn’t lying when he said he’d do it an he did it.
Death by
Smoosh Smoosh or Snoo Snoo, as Magnus called it. Just be glad the
cameras had faded into blackness. It wasn’t a pretty scene, watching a
drunken young women get viciously mauled by a man who killed an entire
bear population with just his hands and a ten inch section of dental
floss, mint, not unscented. It’s been twenty years since Magnus killed
all those bears, how one escaped was beyond him but now he can live out
his days in peace knowing that they’re all gone and never coming back.
Let
us have a moment of silence for one Nicole “ Snookie “ Piozzi. For on
her tomb stone will for ever read- “ meat ball problems.” Well my dear,
your problems are over, thanks to our friend, Siberian Lion.
Russian National Anthem,
I am Morgan Freeman. Deal with it bitches.
~ Scene Three
* Continued Narration by Morgan Freeman. *
Magnus
is in a country he did not know or even care about, opportunity knocked
and he answered. Ryan Blake contacted Magnus because his networks
reach far and wide thanks to his high profile life style. A Russian
tactician, in wrestling? Surely you bitches jest. Blake had to get him.
He needed him for the relaunch of UWA and it will be epic.
Living a life of extreme hardship by our standards from the age of
twelve, Magnus had lived out on his own in the harsh northern Russian
tundra’s where the average temperature for the year is seven. That’s
right, Morgan Freeman said seven. Now do you see why New Jersey Summer
is hot as hell? Makin your sack all stick together, like your forearm to
a leather couch. Yes indeed, having wrestled wild beast and surviving
artic temperatures Magnus had crawled through the proverbial tunnel of
shit and came out clean on the other side. American opportunity was now
at his feet, all he had to do was.. Reach down, touch his toes and
cough, twice.
Per UWA rules and health standards, all UWA talent
has to undergo a physical to make sure that they are fit enough to
compete and keep up with the rigors of life on the road. It was there
in the office of Dr. Howard where Magnus found out the good news.
Dr Howard - Sorry.. Magnus. I can not clear you to complete.
Magnus stands up, pulling up his pants as Dr. Howard flips through his folder.
Magnus - Vhy not?
Dr.
Howard - well one, you don’t have your immunizations, two you’ve never
even been to a doctor previous, we have no records that you even exist
in here or even in Russia. We don’t know what you have or had, so we
don’t know what you’re bringing into the country.
Magnus - Didz you khek under last namez?
Dr. Howard - You have a last name? Well yes, that’ll help considerably. What is it, I’ll check right now.
Magnus - It’Z ah…
Magnus thinks quick for a moment, eyes shifting as his brain tries to come up with a suitable American last name.
Magnus- Yo- Yo -.. YO-hanson.
Dr Howard looks at Magnus with suspicion.
Dr. Howard - Yo- Hanson?
Magnus - Yes. You know, vit the gay.
Dr. Howard - No, can’t say that I do.
Magnus - The gay, the gay.
Magnus is forced to air write the letter “ J “
Dr. Howard - Oh, Jay. Johnson.
Wait a minute, Johnson? The doctor has to think about that one.
Dr. Howard - your name is Magnus Johnson?
Now it’s time for Morgan Freeman to tell you a joke. In Soviet Russia
dick jokes YOU. I’d be a comedian but I’m just too damn suave. Just
call me Enrico Morgan Sauvé. Well the doctor takes his word for it and
goes over to the computer that’s sitting on a desk in the room and
searches through the files. Magnus crosses his arms, almost daring the
doctor to come up empty handed.
Dr. Howard - Well Magnus, I don’t see anything under your name. What about your doctor?
Magnus - Check under Vood-pekR.
Dr. Howard - What are you dickin with me?
No, unfortunately he is not.
Dr. Howard - Your doctor was a woodpecker ? Like, honest to goodnees, wood pecker?
Magnus - Yez, he vas local vood pecker, gynecologist. He check out lady va-gin.
Dr. Howard - Well that’s a specialist, Magnus. Then again, out there where you lived, you take the help where you can get it.
Dr
Howard types in “ Vood Packer. “ into the field labeled “ care taker”
but comes up with zero search results. Dr Howard turns around towards
Magnus and hangs his head for a moment before looking back up at him.
Dr.
Howard - Well Magnus. There’s no record of you ever going to a doctor
an since you’re from another country an your only here on a work visa,
with out your immunizations, we’ll have to quarantine you. Unless that
is, you can afford the payment for the injections. That way we can at
least you a running start.
Magnus - Magnus haz no ruble. Magnus can not afford.
Dr. Howard - Then we’ll have to quarantine you.
Magnus - Vat iz ‘diz ?
Dr. Howard - Means we’ll have to stick you in a room for six months. In that time you’ll either die or be ok.
Magnus - ‘Ho much doz it kozt? Magnus vill vin da ruble vhen he KA-RUSH opponentz nezt veek.
Dr.
Howard - It cost a few thousand dollars, considering the circumstances
an unfortunately you can’t comete next week because you havent been
cleared too.
Magnus - But Magnus von last veek.
Dr. Howard - You competed last week? Oh, your employer could face some severe legal ramifications for that.
Magnus - Magnus kall Mista Blake. Mista Blake vill put up ruble.
Dr. Howard - Then I suggest you call him and we can set up an appointment.
Magnus
nods as he puts his shirt back on, now knowing what he must do in order
to capture the UWA World Championship. He leaves the room as the doctor
just shakes his head over the nut job that he just had to tend too,
knowing that he’ll be back sooner rather then later.
Well sooner
rather then later arrives as Magnus walks back into the same examining
room that he was just in, no more then five minutes after he left. He
was given the green light by Ryan Blake, money is of little object,
assuming Ryan can get his weekly teeth whiting sessions and fu-fu hair
appointments. Magnus had no concept of such things, he knew only
survival and wrestling was a part of that survival. Magnus walks and
looks at the doctor and laughs at him with a straight face. This causes
the doctor to laugh with a nervous reaction and get quite timid when
Magnus stops laughing.
Dr. Howard - What, are we.. Um.. Laughing at.
Magnus - Gud newz, Magnus no hav tu killz you.
Dr. Howard - So you can afford the shots? That’s good, I’ll get some blood drawn right away. Hold our your arm please.
Doctor Howard moves towards the cabinets and fishes out some good ol’
fashion poking instruments of the finest caliber. A needle, strap, gauze
an iodine pad and the good doctor has all that he needs. He turns back
and swabs the immediate area and tries to stick Magnus. Low and behold,
what do you know, the needle broke as he tried to pierce Magnus’s arm.
Magnus - ‘Dat von’t vork. My aRmz R how you zay, Kevlar.
Dr. Howard - Then how do I draw blood, we’ll have to cut your arm open.
Magnus - Magnus haz better ideaz.
Magnus puts his finger in his mouth and bites down
Dr. Howard - Oh dear lord! I’m gonna have to stitch that back up.
And
boom goes the dynamite, bitches. Boom goes the dynamite an off goes the
finger. Magnus’s finger starts bleeding profusely as doctor Howard
scrambles to catch the blood in a cup to bring to the lab.
Magnus - It’s ‘K. It’ll grow back tomarrowz.
Dr. Howard - I don’t even want to know.
It
takes a lot to make a doctor cringe and want to bomb his biscuits all
over the floor. This right here, watching another man, sober as a jay
bird in may, biting his own finger off like it was a hang nail was
almost too much to bear. Quickly doctor Howard seals up the cup and
rushes out of the room, holding back the gag sicking on the back of his
throat. He leaves Magnus in there for a whole, a real long while but
Magnus just stood there with that same old blank stare, as if he’s going
to win a staring contest against a brick wall.
The Doctor walks back in as Magnus’s gaze floats over towards him. Looking back up from his charts, it can’t possibly good news.
Dr. Howard - I’m sorry, Magnus. I can’t clear you to compete. Your blood test has shown positive.
Magnus - Positive iz gud, yez?
Dr.
Howard- No, that’s bad. You’ve tested positive for GHB, testosterone, a
host of things that have yet to be identified an the apparent cure for
herpes. Have you ever taken steroids Magnus?
Magnus - Magnus no take steroids. Only what Motha Russia has provided him.
Dr. Howard - Right well, as of now, I can’t clear you. You gotta be clean. In fact, we have to quarantine you.
Magnus - You put Magnus in cage? Magnus Vill be in cage next veek against goddess ov da ded.
Dr.Howard - I’m Sorry.
Magnus - Magnus tu.
~ Scene Four
* Continuing narration by Morgan Freeman *
Magnus
is not a man who will be held back by something such as doctors orders.
He may not be medically cleared to compete but his mind, body and soul
is. Two weeks in America and he is competing for the Biggest prize in
UWA. Cage match, normal match, a tight rope scaffold match. The
stipulation does matter to Magnus. It has no bearing on Magnus’s train
of thought. He has one though. Victory. He has another thought. Pride.
Pride for mother Russia. For Magnus this is about coming clear across
the world and doing what he’s done from years. From woodland survival to
Olympic wrestling- all the way to Midsummer Massacre. Magnus has been
through a lot and this is where it culminates. Ms. Kane may call upon
her minions and servants, hide behind darkness and tricks. Well that’s
just fine an dandy. Fine an dandy like a tall glass of sweat tea on a
hot summer night.
But miss Kane, this is not a hot summer night.
This might be Midsummer massacre but inside that cage, as you’ll soon
find out. It’s bone chillingly cold. Frost bite in the third degree, So
cold it could freeze a polar bears nips off in the blink of an eye.
That’s the fact of the matter Ms. Kane. In that ring, in that cage,
you’re going against a man, not cleared to compete, not part of this
country and he has nothing to lose. You? Well I suppose you can tell us
that you have about as much to lose as a quadruple amputee in a wood
chipper but we all know that you’ll just be lying to not only the fans
but to yourself.
Why wasn’t it last week when you told Eric
price that you had no problem killing him, that your minions had no
problem killing him? It was last week, if I remember correctly,, which I
do. Want to know why? Because I’m Morgan freeman bitch! You wish you
had me narrate your life in knee slapping comedic fashion. Tell us
though how you can come off so hard and powerful in one breath, so much
so as to claim that you could take a mans life but then folly into the
pit falls of love and loss.
Do you know what you are Ms. Kane? A
fraud. Yah, Morgan Freeman just called you a fraud. What chu gonna do
about that? Shit, I bet you’re just gonna brood in your holly wood
special effects castle and whine about.
See this… this is the
words smallest violin, playing especially for you. Courtesy of The
Siberian Lion. It’s a sweet and soothing song. Get used to hearing it
being played because you’ll be hearing it a lot. Each an every time you
step into the ring with my Soviet friend. Take a good look at it to
because this is your first time and your last time that not only will
you be stepping in the ring with him but the last time you’ll be
competing for a chance to capture that UWA World title.
Do you
know what you lack? Aside from everything? Everything. You may have one
of the greatest records in the entire world but records ms. Kane,
records were made to be broken. KA-RUSHED if you will. This coming week,
in that cage you might do it for the title or for the recognition or
for the fact that you could never truly get it done in the ring, even
with all your hocus pocus bullshit powers. I was god, bitch, who are you
trying to fool? So as you sit there brooding in your castle milling
over weather or not twilight was an accurate portrayal of who it is you
are but what you are is nothing.
Insignificant.
That’s what you really are.
Wednesday
night, that’ll be exposed an you’ll have no where to go and no place to
hide your shame and you shall bow down to the Russian Superiority of
The Siberian Lion in the shame an undeniable truth of a steel cage. The
world will witness your unraveling my dear girl. When you lose in the
second match of your UWA career, so much for that record. So much for
that streak, those hopes and dreams. That ability to sit an say that you
are feared or should be feared.
It’ll all be thrown to the
winds by The Siberian lion and for what?The UWA World Championship.
Bowing is not a skilled well taken by people like you, so go practice in
the mirror, or bend down and bake a cake or something.
Ya, cake sounds good.
Morgan Freeman likes chocolate
chocolate is delicious..
But not as delicious as Magnus defeating you in the eyes of the world.
And the eyes of his home land.
For motha Russia..
And Morgan Freeman because he wants cake.
SIBERIAN LAUNDRY SERVICE
~ Scene One
“ You killed her?! “
“ Itz juz cave bear, not big dealz. “
“ You killed the star of Jersey Shore!”
“ She vaz in Magnus home. “
“ What are you gonna do about Necra?”
“ Magnus live many placez. Never vaz he caged animalz. Magnus iz meant to be free. Magnus vill be free. “
~ Scene Two
* As narrated by Morgan Freeman *
A
mad Russian, with nothing to lose, everything to gain an in the heart
of controversy. A non US citizen, living off a work visa in one of the
shittiest shit hole states this side of Rhode Island who just killed
the most popular star of one of the most popular TV shows in modern
American history. He did all of us a favor if you ask me.
So
now it’s just Magnus in the Shore House with the rest of the cast. One
would think that there would be tempers flaring, fist pumps a flyin and
spray tan juice every which way but up. It would be if your name was
Justin Beiber or that “ call me maybe chick. “ It’s not though, it’s the
Siberian Lion, and what does an indoctrinated Soviet do with four
uneducated, mentally defected Americans do? Yup you guessed it. No
ticky - no laundry.
Magnus an the sweat shop laundry service.
There’s
our favorite Russian, in all his ride and glory , standing on a
pedestal over seeing the day to day operations of the Shore House.
Pauly, Mike, Vinny and JWOW are hard at work with their faces to the
grind stone. The ticking and clattering of suing machines over take your
senses. The temperature is nearing the mid nineties, the smell is god
awful. Like rotten catfish mixed with really cheap cologne an hair gel.
There was another Shore member, Dena- poor Dena. She didn’t make it,
dropped like a pigeon tied to a boulder and tossed from the space
station, manned by a Russian Cosmonaut. Everything’s been running
swimmingly for the past few days as “ Siberian Laundry Service “ as
taken flight off the ground. Flashes of the cave bear incident still
fresh in their minds made them complacent an weary of speaking up
against their tyrant dictator.
A large portrait of Magnus hangs
on the wall behind him, looking distinguished and stern, looking down
on those to gaze before his greatness, feeling insignificant an
inconsequential by comparison. Good thing there is no comparing Magnus
to other human beings, let alone Americans or lets say.. Greeks.
One
hundred an eight hours straight. Four an a half days. The Shore house
works with out sleep or breaks, on the brink of fatal exhaustion. The
pussies. In Russia, a toddler could work four an half days and not shed a
tear or squeeze out a drop of piss. These Americans had a lot to learn
and Magnus will teach him.
The door bell rings? Well shit,
who could that be? OSHA? Jahova Witness ? No, can’t be. They’re all
locked in the basement. It rings again then again. Each ring twitches
the eye of Magnus. It tugs on his ears like a rotten child begging for a
toy. Finally the enraged Russian gives in, marching over an answers the
door.
Magnus - Vat?!
Man 1 - Are you Magnus Johnson?
Magnus - Vho R you, Yankee ?
Man 2 - Is this the headquaters of “ Siberian Laundry Service?”
Magnus - ‘ Diz iz magnus home. Magnus house matez do Magnus laundry.
JWOW butts in across the room, opening up that wide ass meat ball mouth of hers.
JWOW - he only has one bag, where does it all come from?
Bitch
better close her mouth before Morgan Freeman has to open up a can of
whoop ass on a poor little white bitch. Magnus snaps his head back and
glares at her before laughing at her with a stone face then turns back
to the men at the door, continuing to laugh before abruptly stopping.
They lightly chuckle to break the tension but then kindly gets the front
door to the face. No sooner does Magnus take a step away, is there a
nock at the door again. He flings open the door and looks coldy at the
two men.
Magnus - Vhich one ov you diez virst?
Man
1 - Magnus, you’ve just been put on notice by G.S.S Laundry an Co. You
have three days to comply or you forfeit all rights and wellness to your
business.
Magnus - Diz not business, Diz iz life.
Man 2 - So isn’t this. You have three days. You’ve been warned.
Magnus - Vat happens if Magnus no comply?
Man 2 - Then our employer will be very upset. And you don’t want to see our employer very upset.
Magnus - Magnus understand.
They
gave Magnus a three day warning. Magnus gave tem no such luxury. The
taller of the two men took a moonsault kick to the face, other a hay
maker punch that shatterd his jaw. Magnus looks down at them, glaring.
Magnus - You jaw iz veaker then pelvis of cave bear.
Magnus
closes the door on the two men, inviting the repercussion of G.S.S
laundry an Co. Magnus has focus. Ms. Necra Kane better get that priss
nose of out of books of hers and jump that ghetto booty back into
reality. The reality that Magnus isn’t going to gimmick his way into his
first title win.
~ Scene Three
* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *
In front of the UWA MidSummer Massacre backdrop stands seasoned interviewer Mathew Rogers, lead stick man for UWA.
Mathew
Rogers - Good evening UWA! Mathew Rogers here, just minutes before we
go live with the first UWA re launch Pay Per View, Mid Summer Massacre.
We have an excieting card lined up for you all tonight where we WILL
crown the Rush Hour and World Champion, in a cage match no less.
Speaking of that, I have with me right now one of the participants of
the World title cage match. Magnus, The Siberian Lion! Now we’ve seen
Magnus on TV, tearing apart the cast mates of Jersey Shore, both
literally or figuratively. Right here, right now, I have with me the man
of very few words to try an get his insight on this match and his
experiences with UWA.
The camera pans back to reveal Magnus in his ring gear standing next to Mathew Rogers.
Mathew
Rogers- Magnus! To say that you’re eccentric is an understatement.
You’ve been here not even two weeks yet an we’ve seen you turn The
jersey Shore on it’s head, not to mention completely dominate not one
but two opponents last week in your match against Zayne West an Eric
Green. What we don’t know is Magnus the man, behind the Russian flag.
Do you care to tell us about yourself so your fans out there can better
get to know you? For instance how did you end up in the Russian
Wilderness for most of your life?
Magnus - Magnus gru up N vilderness for motha Russia. Every year, one child iz taken from hiz home in service of his motherland.
Mathew Rogers - but why ?
Magnus - Every Russian iz proud to serve hiz Kountry vit out Kuestion.
Mathew Rogers - Well then how did you gain such a well renowned wrestling skill?
Magnus - Magnus vaz trained by top Soviet Olympic vrestlerz after he Kompleted years of grueling training out in vilderness.
Mathew
Rogers - Well certainly its paid off because you’re here main evinting
your very first pay per view in your very first wrestling promotion and
for the UWA title no less. You must be excited.
Magnus - No.
Mathew Rogers - No? Why not ? Necra is excited. She’s talked a lot about it.
Magnus
- Magnus iz not Xceited ‘cuz Magnus New it Vould happen. Vat do you
Xpext vhen you put magnus up gainzt guyz liK Vest N Green. Da prowess ov
da Siberian Lion is beyond human komprehenzion. Magnus doz vhat needz
tu B done an dats it. Not American pridez or Ego. Just Russian
superiority. Ms. Kane she Xeited because even though she zayz other
vize, she vaz surprised herself dat she von. She needz tu talk an talk,
she iz Women. Dats vat she does. She like Yugoslovian chatter-mule. You
cant getz her tu shut up. Dey only re-pond tu one ‘ding.
Mathew Rogers - Well she’s had a lot to say about you concerning this match.
Magnus - so didn’t cave bear. You C how ‘dat vorked out, no?
Mathew Rogers - Well if you didn’t catch it, we got a clip right here for you.
A
highlight clip of Necra’s promo’s roll for Magnus and for those at
home. Tell ya one thing, Morgan freeman is one tired negro in regards to
this chick. It’s the same damn thing every single time. Finally, thank
his lord Morgan Freeman that the clip ended and there is Magnus laughing
with that classic straight face of his.
Mathew Rogers - Well?
Magnus - Vell vhat? Vhat iz hardcore?
Mathew
Rogers - means that she can take a chair shot to the head and can go
through a flaming table and such. She can take pain.
Magnus - Pain? Did she not zee Magnus bite off own thumb? Or Dat Magnus kill entire Yugoslavian cave bear population ?
Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, like I said, she can take pain.
Magnus
- Magnus hear diz lotz. Nex Vorld champion yet they say no mor vordz.
It’z their time to zhine yet they speak like children bookz. Dey can
take painz until magnuz snaps der neck.
Mathew Rogers - Well Magnus, it’s a cage. You have to escape the cage to win.
Magnus - Magnus no escape da kage. Kage haz tu escape Magnus. Kage can not escape Magnus. Necra kane kan not escape Magnus.
Mathew
Rogers - What about her comments about you not gaining ground in this
match? That she won’t let someone like you stand in her way of the UWA
title?
Magnus - Magnus no gain
ground? ‘Diz Zilly. O course Magus no gain ground. Magnus ownz da
ground. Magnuz iz var superior then she iz N diz match. On an on she
vent about her sickness. Sickness. She muzt B sick ty tink dat she vill
overcome Da Siberian Lion in vrestling match. Out Vrestle Magnus?
Impossible. Out vight Magnus? You haz better chance to out vrestle
Magnus.
Mathew Rogers - What about her not letting you ruin her chance for the UWA title?
Magnus
- Her chanzes runined once she vas put vit Magnus vor da UWA title. Der
iz nothingz she kan say to change dat. You step into ring vit magnus,
you no valk out. Necra no leave vit da UWA title. Dat magnus belt. Vorld
Title for Magnus, vorld title for motha Russia.
Mathew Rogers - well this is your first title match, where as she has had many. You’re lacking experience.
Magnus
- Experience iz shown in many forms. One iz but shutting mouth. Iv she
had experience then she had no need to mention itz. Shez never had
Vorld title match, neither doz magnus. Tonight iz our first. Tonight iz
her lazt. Cage iz ment for two things. Vomen an Animals. Necra is both
becuze Magnus will beat her like animalz. Take ur piktures kids, capture
this example of Russian Sueriority aginst those far tu inferior in
realize that greatness of Magnus an Motha Russia.
Tonites iz
vhere Motha Russia ressurektz on da shoulders of her favorite zon. Necra
doz diz vor herself to make self feel better cuz she iz women. Magnuz
does diz for the pride an honor of motha Russia. An dat iz all he needs.
Two hands to snap her neck an make her submit to my superior skill,
datz all it vill take.
For Motha Russia, Magnus vill claim victory da only vay Soviet knows how. By KA-RUSHING all ’ho stand before him.
~Scene Four
* Continuing Narration by Morgan Freeman *
So
this is put up or shut up time, Necra. I hope you got your kiss the
cook apron and some bright an warm oven mitts. You’ll need them because
you’ll be baking a lot of cake an eating A LOT of crow. If Morgan Free
man suggest and trust me, he will suggest - that you stop reading from
your little magic books and step away from your fantasies of a happy
life with an old flame because that simply is not reality. It’s not
reality when you step into that ring with Magnus. That tough chick, Mary
Sue routine may work for the movies but this shit right here, right
now, this is very real. That’s a real cage, not a cage where your sick
and twisted lust of blood an gore will offer any hope. This is a
certified mad Russian that your going head to head with. Let that sink
in for a moment. Here, here.. Take a moment.
…
…
…
There.
How bout now? No? still cant grasp it well f*ck you because Morgan
freeman is going to continue. Tonight is your chance at World title
greatness. Tonight WAS your chance at World Title greatness, if it were
up against anyone else but it’s not. Do you think your daddy issues are
going to change that? Is your boyfriend going to change that? Do you
have reasons beyond mortal understanding to win a monetary possession?
Yah, Morgan Freeman bets you do. Reasons beyond mortal understand, my
ass! Don’t lie to Morgan Freeman, just level with him. He’s a nice
enough guy, or so I heard.
You Ms. Necra kane are just a women
floating through out life with out purpose, hoping for something greater
then the life in shit bum Iwoa or where ever the hell it is you’re from
because Greece? Yah sure, Greece an I’m Irish. Necra lets just level
this right now. You are going up against a wrestling machine. A man bred
to wrestle, bred to win for a sense of pride an honor not understood
outside his home land. You get back to Morgan Freeman when you figure
out how that works.
Until then, enjoy looking like the joke that
you are in front of the millions you claim to entertain with your
brooding and painful banter. Let Morgan freeman give you a few tips.
Go back to your locker room
Get your little bags and make up kit
Leave the arena and get on a plane
and go far, far away.
Those are good tips but unfortunately theres a few things wrong with it.
1. Magnus will still find you. He will not rest until you’re beyond recognition.
2. Morgan Free will not stop until he gets cake.
So
there you have it Ms. Kane. You’re well and screwed and not in that
lost in a porno kind of way. More like locked in a steel cage with a
crazied man who only knows victory and the costs of obtaining that
victory for the pride of his home land in the form of the UWA world
title
and Morgan Freeman who will get his cake.
Remember Morgan Freeman likes chocolate cake..chocolate on chocolate.. Mm. mmm. Good.
