Post by Lawnmower Jones on Dec 25, 2007 16:06:45 GMT -5
Date: Christmas, 12:30
Location: Unknown grocery store parking lot
(Lawnmower Jones, the former WCF wrestler, is pushing a cart in his standard uniform of blue overalls and a white undershirt. An overcast sky hangs above his head as the threat of rain looms. A camera crew follows Jones, and the quality of this promo looks like a crappy reality TV show. Jones, who normally has spiky blond hair, has not done his hair today. His short hair is as wild as can be, straight forward yet all over. Jones has bags under his eyes. It's apparent that Jones has not slept in quite some time.)
Lawnmower Jones: Yeah, I signed up for the Classic. Why? I guess I did it why most people would: I need the money. I mean, I'm sure there's some of these guys who entered the tournament just for shits and giggles. I'm not blind. I see the TV every week, I know they got work. Me? My source of income for the past six months is a random blog on HGTV.com. Well, that, and this little mini-series they've cooked up. This little, "hey, let's compete with all these crappy MTV shows and Intervention and try and make money off a guy who's going through the worst time in his life!"
(The scene cuts to an obsolete black interview room, kind of like the ones you would see on a History Channel show where they are interviewing one of those professors. Lawnmower Jones is there, still looking the same.)
Lawnmower Jones: I was actually at home when I got the letter. Yeah, I guess I heard just about as much as everyone else had. Everyone that wasn't actively involved, anyways. This might sound real shady, but I immediately called and asked how much the gig paid. I needed the money.
(The scene cuts back to the parking lot, where Jones is still pushing a cart and is about to enter the store. The automatic doors open, and Jones enters.)
Lawnmower Jones: People will probably watch this and say..."Jones-you're not acting like an idiot!" No, I'm not. I can read. I'll level with you, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not a total bafoon. The WCF needed an idiot, so they called upon me. I've got no problem with it as long as they pay me.
(Back to the interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: My expectations for this Classic are simple: get in, get out, get paid. Kinda like a hooker. I'm not looking to win it all. I'm not going to dye for it. I'm not looking to lead the revolution and restart the WCF. The Glory Days are gone. This Classic? It's for the money. They can say it's for the glory, they can say it's for the fans, but this thing...it's a cash cow. We're all going to make bank. I mean, hey, would you say no? Look at all these has-beens doing crappy VH1 reality shows! They could have preserved their legacy but I bet they blew their money. Just like me. They didn't want to. They needed to.
Interviewer: (off-camera) So are you not going to try?
(Lawnmower Jones leans forward, focusing on the question and his response.)
Lawnmower Jones: I know I said I'm not in it to win it all, but Lawnmower Jones don't lay down for nobody. I may be poor. I may be drunk. I may be a small sliver of my old self, but hell if I have that little of respect and dignity for myself that I let another two-bit has been pin me.
(Back to the grocery store, alcohol aisle. Jones picks up a couple of bottles of Jim Beam and puts them in his cart and moves forward.)
Lawnmower Jones: This (bleep)...we used to drink this before matches...this (bleep).
(Back to interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: I'm sure the competition will be ferocious. Look at these guys: Striker, CD, Carr, Thunder, Biggs, Vice, Outcast...hell, they even managed to find Chino's grass smokin, church (bleep) in some Puerto Rican gutter. I guess the dude went to jail or something...hell if I remember. I was whacked out on Vic's that month.
Interviewer: (off-camera) What about Cairo?
(Jones glares at the interviewer, not moving a muscle. The scene cuts back to the grocery store, where Jones is at the register, buying his Jim Beam, Lucky Charms, light bulbs, and Vagisil.)
Clerk: $49.54
(Lawnmower Jones takes out a checkbook and writes a check, handing it to the lady.)
Clerk: Ok, Mr. Swayze, can I see some ID?
Lawnmower Jones: Oh, yeah, sure, let me get it right here-RUN!
(Jones takes the bags and cart and pushes the bag boy to the ground. The camera crew follows him as he runs into the parking lot. Back to the interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: What about Cairo?
(Parking lot.)
Lawnmower Jones: Don't let them catch you!
(Interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: He'll get his. He will get his.
(The scene fades to black as we hear sirens lots of rustling in the background.)
Lawnmower Jones: Don't taze me, bro!
Jonesin' For a Comeback: The Eight-Part Mini-Series About Former Professional Wrestler Lawnmower Jones
Tuesdays, HGTV
Location: Unknown grocery store parking lot
(Lawnmower Jones, the former WCF wrestler, is pushing a cart in his standard uniform of blue overalls and a white undershirt. An overcast sky hangs above his head as the threat of rain looms. A camera crew follows Jones, and the quality of this promo looks like a crappy reality TV show. Jones, who normally has spiky blond hair, has not done his hair today. His short hair is as wild as can be, straight forward yet all over. Jones has bags under his eyes. It's apparent that Jones has not slept in quite some time.)
Lawnmower Jones: Yeah, I signed up for the Classic. Why? I guess I did it why most people would: I need the money. I mean, I'm sure there's some of these guys who entered the tournament just for shits and giggles. I'm not blind. I see the TV every week, I know they got work. Me? My source of income for the past six months is a random blog on HGTV.com. Well, that, and this little mini-series they've cooked up. This little, "hey, let's compete with all these crappy MTV shows and Intervention and try and make money off a guy who's going through the worst time in his life!"
(The scene cuts to an obsolete black interview room, kind of like the ones you would see on a History Channel show where they are interviewing one of those professors. Lawnmower Jones is there, still looking the same.)
Lawnmower Jones: I was actually at home when I got the letter. Yeah, I guess I heard just about as much as everyone else had. Everyone that wasn't actively involved, anyways. This might sound real shady, but I immediately called and asked how much the gig paid. I needed the money.
(The scene cuts back to the parking lot, where Jones is still pushing a cart and is about to enter the store. The automatic doors open, and Jones enters.)
Lawnmower Jones: People will probably watch this and say..."Jones-you're not acting like an idiot!" No, I'm not. I can read. I'll level with you, I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but I'm not a total bafoon. The WCF needed an idiot, so they called upon me. I've got no problem with it as long as they pay me.
(Back to the interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: My expectations for this Classic are simple: get in, get out, get paid. Kinda like a hooker. I'm not looking to win it all. I'm not going to dye for it. I'm not looking to lead the revolution and restart the WCF. The Glory Days are gone. This Classic? It's for the money. They can say it's for the glory, they can say it's for the fans, but this thing...it's a cash cow. We're all going to make bank. I mean, hey, would you say no? Look at all these has-beens doing crappy VH1 reality shows! They could have preserved their legacy but I bet they blew their money. Just like me. They didn't want to. They needed to.
Interviewer: (off-camera) So are you not going to try?
(Lawnmower Jones leans forward, focusing on the question and his response.)
Lawnmower Jones: I know I said I'm not in it to win it all, but Lawnmower Jones don't lay down for nobody. I may be poor. I may be drunk. I may be a small sliver of my old self, but hell if I have that little of respect and dignity for myself that I let another two-bit has been pin me.
(Back to the grocery store, alcohol aisle. Jones picks up a couple of bottles of Jim Beam and puts them in his cart and moves forward.)
Lawnmower Jones: This (bleep)...we used to drink this before matches...this (bleep).
(Back to interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: I'm sure the competition will be ferocious. Look at these guys: Striker, CD, Carr, Thunder, Biggs, Vice, Outcast...hell, they even managed to find Chino's grass smokin, church (bleep) in some Puerto Rican gutter. I guess the dude went to jail or something...hell if I remember. I was whacked out on Vic's that month.
Interviewer: (off-camera) What about Cairo?
(Jones glares at the interviewer, not moving a muscle. The scene cuts back to the grocery store, where Jones is at the register, buying his Jim Beam, Lucky Charms, light bulbs, and Vagisil.)
Clerk: $49.54
(Lawnmower Jones takes out a checkbook and writes a check, handing it to the lady.)
Clerk: Ok, Mr. Swayze, can I see some ID?
Lawnmower Jones: Oh, yeah, sure, let me get it right here-RUN!
(Jones takes the bags and cart and pushes the bag boy to the ground. The camera crew follows him as he runs into the parking lot. Back to the interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: What about Cairo?
(Parking lot.)
Lawnmower Jones: Don't let them catch you!
(Interview room.)
Lawnmower Jones: He'll get his. He will get his.
(The scene fades to black as we hear sirens lots of rustling in the background.)
Lawnmower Jones: Don't taze me, bro!
Jonesin' For a Comeback: The Eight-Part Mini-Series About Former Professional Wrestler Lawnmower Jones
Tuesdays, HGTV
