Post by Johnny Stylez on Sept 30, 2012 12:18:10 GMT -5
OK so this may be a bit long over due, but it has been recently brought to our attention that this portion of a Johnny Stylez promo has been a bit confusing at parts, and you know now that we sit back and think about it you people who complain about it are absolutley right. I mean it begins with this random talking from a voice that you can't put a face to, so before we dive into the antics of one of your favorite MiSFiTZ this week allow me to very briefly introduce myself in the hopes that we can better understand each other from HENCE FOURTH.
I do not really have a name, so if you want to call me anything you may just call me
~$~ THE NARRATOR ~$~
KiNDA LiKe The DuDe YOU HEAR DURING THE PREVIEWZ AT THE MOVIEZ ONLY MY VOICE ISN'T THAT SEXY!!!
My soul purpose is to bring you up to speed about the situation that Johnny Stylez and his fellow cohorts find themselves in after the weeks events. It is my job to take what happened at Slam or at whatever event took place that following week and put his mindset and his motives into prespective in terms of the past, present, and future, and then once that has been accurately described then he takes over. There I think that just about sums it up...
Hopefully this clears the air for the lot of you, as it has been our understanding that this part of the Johnny Stylez promo has been the confusing part. So think of me as your guide through the thoughts, feelings, emotions of the one and only DoN of Di$Re$PeCT...Now having said all that, I believe I have a job to get to, so without further ado, let's get this got damn show on the road shall we?
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It would appear that WAR is upon us ladies and gentlemen. A statement of the obvious as this seems to be the one and only subject on the minds of anyone and everyone in the WcF as of late. This particular event has seen the rising of some of the WcF's most historic and greatest stars, and well is one of those events that can make or break any man's career. It is in events like these where true legends are born, and well in a match where every single member of the WcF roster is involved anything can happen, because what it all boils down to is who really wants it?
Who really wants to reach out and grab that brass ring and truly leave their mark on this great orginization that has been setting the bar of excellence in this business for years now. Over the years we have all seen our fair share of companies open and close, rise and fold quicker than you can bat a phucking eye lash, but the WcF has remained a constant in a business that changes as much as Roy Speede's mother changes sexual partners. And that is why this WAR match is so phucking important. Because it affords men like The Paragona of Americana a chance at a chance that they would not recieve on any other basis.
An opportunity to step in the ring with the virtual who's who of the WcF and see where they truly stack up. Legendary status is theres for the taking for the chance to go through the entire WcF roster and be the only one left standing at this point would most definitley be an honor above any and all other considering the talent jam packed on the WcF roster these days.
But that's how it is for everyone on the WcF roster with the execption of two men. The artist formely known as Kid Phantasm and The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT LA Johnny Stylez. Due to the fact that two weeks ago, Johnny Stylez lead the MisFiTZ to attack and put a man in his place for ignorantly claiming things he had no business claiming, now leaves Johnny Stylez with a bounty placed upon his head.
Why Seth Lerch is so upset and shocked that these events took place is beyond the understanding of anyone with rational thought, because the fact of the matter is actually quite simple. Scoutmaster quite frankly
!!!!GoT WHaT He HaD F'N CoMiNG!!!!
...He Didn'T EXPeCT US TO DO NOTHING DID HE?
Because if he did then it's his fault for being an idiot! In this business one must be always looking over their shoulder because you never know when someone is going to come from behind to take you out or to get their vengance for past trangressions. ScoutMaster got hurt because ScoutMaster wasn't prepared, and for a Boyscout to be caught unprepared should tell you everything you need to know about the kind of Scout, Stuart Slane is, was, and probably always will be...Seth may miss the prematch reach arounds or the PMS esq temper tantrums he throws when he doesn't get his way, but the fact is Johnny Stylez nor any of the other MisFiTz will apologize for what they did because as we said eariler ScoutMaster earned his ass beating for claiming to kill that which he did not, prehaps now he would have learned a valuble lesson not to be so got damn
!!!!I.G.N.O.R.A.N.T.!!!!!
Because If He Wasn't He'd PROBABLY STILL BE THE INTERNET CHAMPION AND NOT LAID UP IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING SPONGE BATHS FROM MALE NURSES!!!
So needless to say going into this match there are those who go into this match thinking they have a target on their back, which for most is just something most of them say to make themselves feel important, when on the otherhand there are those that actually have targets on their backs namely LA Johnny Stylez and the man known as Polar Phantasm. Because now there are two title shots that hang in the balance of this WAR match as the winner of WAR of course advances to ONE to square off against the WcF Heavyweight Champion for the richest prize in the game, and then to any man who eliminates Phantasm or Stylez is set to recieve a shot at what is the now vacant Internet Championship.
So if it weren't bad enough Johnny Stylez had to prepare to outlast every single member of the WcF roster he also must now prepare to defeat every single one of those same men, as his elimination comes with the promise of a championship opportunity of their own. So with the stakes raised on Johnny Stylez's eliminations Johnny Stylez sought to make sure he was good and ready to bring the WAR to the WcF whenever his entrance into this match is made. And after his crushing loss to Roy Speede at Slam last week to say that The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT is on edge is kind of an understatement. Yet none the less we find Johnny Stylez today like we find him after most big matches after losing, which is piss ass drunk.
Drunk and angry is never a good combination of things to be, especially when you are The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT because his fortay has always been smoking. Johnny never drinks unless something is wrong, and well when someone like him drinks and thinks that is typically followed by
!!!!BaD F'N DeCiSiONZ!!!!
And While For Many These Decisions Include, Drunk Dialing/Texting, Fighting, Or BaNGiNG SOMe FaTTy or OTHER MOPED
*PaUsE*
AS WE DEFINE THE TERM MOPED FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW...
MOPED (adj/n.)- Moped is a term used to describe a girl that one has sexual intercourse with that they would be ashamed to tell their friends about. They call it a moped because like a moped these females are
"FuN To RiDe UnTiL YoUr FRiENDz CATCH YoU DoIn IT"
(Shannan Lerch comes to mind)
*UNPaUsE*
But getting back to the point, Johnny Stylez is no execption to this rule as you will come to discover in the following moments that Johnny's drinking ultimatley leads him to make what will probably go down as one of the worst decisions he has ever made in his entire WcF career. Johnny's drinking him leads him to make the MECCA of bad decisions, as Johnny's decision undoublty will further put him on the bad side of WcF owner Seth Lerch as this coming decision will most definitley allow Johnny Stylez to break into at the very least the top five of Seth Lerch's shit list, but from Johnny's point of view if you are going to do something
!!!!DO IT RIGHT!!!!
In Other Words, If Seth is GuNNa Be PISSED OFF AT HIM, THEN WHY NOT MAKE HIM REALLY PISSED OFF?
Not the logic of someone who is thinking clearly, but as we already described to you Johnny misplaced his sobriety and his rational thinking some time ago, as this sort of logic would only make sense to a raving drunk. But needless to say if Johnny is going into WAR with a target on his back he is going to make sure it's big enough for all to see, which is what lead Johnny Stylez to think it was a good idea to...
STEAL THE WcF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP FROM SETH LERCH'S OFFICE!!!!
But before we go jumping ahead of ourselves, let us show you how this came to pass.
As you know Johnny has spent the past few hours...No...DAYS in a drunken stooper. So much that he decided to call together a secret meeting for his secret army of MISFIT soilders to help him undertake this super stealth mode rescue mission. And we say it's a rescue mission because the Internet Championship has needed saving ever since it fell into the grasp of that Nazi Terrorist (which by all American standards is the worst thing you could possibly be) Stuart Slane. Now granted over the past few weeks we have seen the ranks of The MiSFiTz dwindle as Ryan Pugh, LA KIEF, and Ophelia Pain have all taken leave due to nagging injuries and personal issues, so Johnny had to make due with what he had.
The scene opens today with Johnny Stylez, dressed in full camo fatigues, dressed to the teeth like a real life DRILL SERGANT, he even has the hat and little whip thing and everything! He walks onto the scene as in the back drop there is a MISFIT version of the AMERICAN flag that has the stars and stripes, but the MISFIT logo stitched on the side. It kinda looks like back in the gap when Sergant Slaughter would open the GI JOE cartoons and give you the rundown of the assbeating JOE was about to give COBRA. And standing at attention are Johnny's MISFIT MARINES (Super Secret Stealth Soilders) some of them you recgonize some of them you don't which is why we are going to go on a roll call.
First up is Johnny's Lt. and Second in Command, Lt. Goat who is dressed in camo's and a WWI army helmet
Next to him is AWESOME MAN who strangely resembles Johnny's MISFIT compatriot Tommy Kain who Johnny did not involve with this so he would not be implicated and forced to suffer the wrath this mission will undoublty bring upon him.
Then next to him is Private Jalell White who used to play Steve Urkel back in the day but now is one of Johnny's most trusted soilders who will act as a pawn or a distraction incase things go sour, because if they are noticed people will be so pleased to learn that one of television's most beloved characters is indeed not dead.
Then next to them is a stool with a great variety of action figures, some of them are WcF action figures as we see the likes of WcF World Champion Jonny Fly, Steve Orbit, FPV, and Kid Phantasm, and then also in the mix are black market action figures LA KIEF, RYAN PUGH, and Ophelia Pain. We aren't really sure why Johnny had these here, but keep in mind he is out of his mind hammered!
And then finally holding up the rear is none other than Ms. Speede as in Roy Speede's Mother, who is really only here because she wants to have sex with GOAT again, but he told her the only way he would even think about it is if she proved herself, and well Goat had other things in mind to make her do that but this mission came up on the FLY and well...Here she is, but little does she know GOAT really has no intention on letting her touch his mighty GOAT penis again, she is really just here incase we have to go to plan C, which is the worst case scenario plan and the team will cut her lose so that they can escape...Which ya know is something every army needs.
A crazy group may have never been assembled but none the less these are the people for the JOB, and the MISSIOn is quite clear...FIND, STEAL...uh we mean CoNFiSCaTe and RETURN THE WCF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP to the people and it's rightful owner...The one and only LA Johnny Stylez, THE PARAGONA OF AMERICANA!!!
Now as television and movies have told us over the years is that before big missions such as this one, it is the CoMMaNDiNg OFFICER's duty to give some big speech to hype his troops up and let them know the severity of the issue and importance of the mission itself. Now whether or not this kinda shit actually happens in real life doesn't really matter, because Johnny is pretty sure thats how shit is supposed to go, and well with a mission as important as this one he wasn't going to take any chances.
So he paces back and fourth two good times as he looks at his stealth mode army of MiSFiTz, as he pops a cigarette in his mouth and sparks it up. He takes a drag and stands so that he is front and center facing them. He allows the smoke from his first drag to roll out of his nostrils as he is either thinking about what to say or trying to remember why everyoneis here in the first place because after all Mr. Stylez has been drinking quite a bit. But none the less the pep talk ensues.
LA Johnny Stylez: Men...and Roy Speede's mother, first off I would like to thank you all for being here. During times like these it is important to let the enemy know that we refuse to take anything lying down...With the execption of you Ms. Speede, no offense. But during these times of WAR it is imperative that the enemy be made aware of our ReSoLVe. They must know that engaging in WAR against a MISFIT is one of the worst things you can do, because if there is one thing we represent in this world more than anything it is a natural unwillingless to be broken, defeated, or stopped! That's what makes us us, gentlemen! They need to learn the same as that khaki short, girl scout cookie pedaling phedophile found out at Shoot-2-THRILL that ignoring or over looking the likes of The MiSFiTz more times often than not results in sheer and absolute
!!!!!P.A.I.N.!!!!!
...As WE PROVE TO THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL JUST WHO THE PHUCK THEY ARE DEALING WITH!!
Each of you standing before me has taken your fair share of hits over the course of your lives and careers, and we have all tasted the bitterness of defeat once or twice. But the fact that you stand before me today, ready to make a move that will send a message to not only Seth Lerch but the entire WcF that we refuse to go down says everything anyone needs to know about who we are dealing with. Because men like us refuse to stay down, it doesn't matter how many times we get knocked down each and every single time we get back up and we get back in the game like we never even fell
!!!!AT ALL!!!!
...And We Continue To BRING THE FIGHT TO THEIR BITCH ASS FACEZ!!!
I look up and down this group and I see nothing but men who are tired of being over looked, I see men who are ready to take up arms, and head into this WAR head on. I see men who are brave enough to stand beside me and help me send a message throughout the entire WcF that The MiSFiTZ know good and got damn well that we will never be handed a got damn thing in this life, if we want something it's up to us to find a way to just straight up
!!!!F'N TAKE IT!!!!
And ReFuSe TO TaKe NO FOR AN ANSWER!!!
The only one with the power to change our situations gentlemen is OURSELVEZ! And tonight we do what we must in order to take the first step in that direction! Tonight we take our destiny in our own hands, and tonight we bring back what is rightfully ours. And more importantly tonight we let the WcF know that if it's a fight they want, if it's a WAR they want then that is
!!!!PRECISLEY WHAT THE PHUCK THEY'RE GUNNA GET!!!!!
BeCaUse I BELIEVE IT WAS BILL SHAKESPERE WHO SAID...
!!!!WHAT WE DO IN THIS LIFE ECHOES IN ETERNITY!!!
...YEAH!!!
Awesome Man: Actually that was Russel Crowe Johnny...
LA Johnny Stylez: Uhh, what?
Awesome Man: Yeah, Russel Crowe said that in Gladiator...
LA Johnny Stylez: You sure?
Awesome Man: Uhh, yeah dude I'm AWESOME MAN...
LA Johnny Stylez: Right, I totally forgot about that!
Awesome Man: I don't see how, I have this freakin AWESOME CAPE BRO!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah...man I think I need a cape...
Awesome Man: Nah, you're not the cape type! But that hat you got on is pretty feckin sweet if I do say so myself.
LA Johnny Stylez: Thank you Awesome Man, coming from you that means a lot. It's really a shame Tommy couldn't make it.
Goat: BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
LA Johnny Stylez: I know Goat, I know someone has to stay here and hold down the fort with the execption of Ms. Speede I'd say we are done getting caught with our pants down! So having said that, who is ready to get out there and do some mother phuckin
???VaN DaMaGe???
The MiSFiT MaRine CORPS Let out a HUZZAH, as Johnny Stylez arrogantly smirks as he puts on a pair of avaitors as he takes another long drag from his cigarette and then flicks it away as he exhales the smoke through his mouth as he says...
LA Johnny Stylez: Well alright then, let's get this got damn show on the road then! MisFiTz...We're MOVIN OUT!!!
Johnny then salutes his soilders as they do the same, as they then break formation and head to the MISFIT attack mobile AKA Johnny's truck. As they all pile in the truck and Johnny cranks the engine, we watch as Johnny attempts to back out of the drive way, but being the miserable driver that he is he totally backs into Tommy's mailbox knocking it over.
Awesome Man: GOT DAMNIT JOHNNY, THAT's THE Fifth time this MONTH!
LA Johnny Stylez: Actually it's the sixth, but it's a good thing Tommy isn't here right Awesome Man, cause otherwise he'd probably be phuckin pissed huh?
Awesome Man: YES VERY!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah but remember we are at war, and in war there are casualties!
Awesome Man: But why the mailbox Johnny? The Mailbox was an innocent bystander!
LA Johnny Stylez: I don't know what to tell you dood, cept WAR IS HELL!
Awesome Man: You got that right! But do us a favor huh, the next time this little secret Stealth Mode Mission of ours claims a casualty can you please see to it that it's not one ours...
LA Johnny Stylez: Of course AWESOME MAN! OF COURSE!
....The banter between the two carries on, but the scene fades away and opens up
...A FeW HoURz LATER...
Location: WcF Front Office/Seth Lerch's Office 2:41 a.m..
Like a Quentin Tarantino flick the scene does not pick up in chronological order. From the looks of things Johnny's little mission was a success and seemingly went off without a hitch, as we find ourselves outside the WcF Office where we see none other than well respected WcF Broadcast Journalist Hank Brown make his way into the building.
We get the impression that Hank doesn't know what he is walking into as he does not walk with caution like he would if he knew Johnny Stylez or any of the other MisFiTz were behind this, and the look on his face once he enters Seth's office is a dead give away that he most definitley hadn't the slightest clue what he had gotten himself into, as the moment he walks into Seth's office he sees none other than The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT himself sitting behind Seth's desk with his feet propped on the desk and the WcF Internet Championship draped across his shoulder.
Hank looks around at the office that is a total phucking wreck as it seems a battle has taken place. We see a small army of security guards piled up on the floor close to the window, all of them have been tied up and beaten severly as Goat stands guard still wearing his WWI helmet. And next to them lies a single body as proof of the struggle as the battle that we have not seen saw casualties on both sides as Jalelle "Steve Urkel" White lies on the floor unconcious or maybe dead, as his eyes are wide open and there is blood all over his face. Awesome Man is no where to be seen and neither is Roy Speede's mother.
Yet Hank finds himself glaring at a man who he like a vast majority of the WcF roster openly despises. After taking a quick look around the room and all the carnage a big part of Hank tells him he should get the phuck outta there instead of risking being implicated with the rest of these MisFiT Bandits for their actions. But before he can leave Goat kicks the door closed and Johnny begins the conversation.
LA Johnny Stylez: HARRY! So nice of you to join us on such short notice! But being in your line of work you must know that you never really know when a story is going to break!
Hank Brown: Mr. Stylez for the millionth time my name is HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK...HHHAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!!!
LA Johnny Stylez: OK, Ok, Jesus CALM DOWN! Because if you wake up Seth's sleeping ninjas after Goat worked so hard to get them to sleep you might be able to join the short list of people in this world who know what it feels like to get rammed in the nuts by a Goat, and I don't think you came all the way down here just to get your tiny little sack rammed into your butt cheeks by my fury little friend over there!
Hank Brown: NO you're right! I came down here to get an interview with Seth about this years WAR match and how it is going to be one of the greatest of all time! And I don't know how you did it, but you tricked me! And now you have probably made me an accessory to the countless felonies you have and are committing as we speak!
LA Johnny Stylez: For the love of Christ Hank will you please shake the sand out of your vagina and be professional for a got damn second, because let's be real about something for a sec here cowboy. If we were going to get caught we would have already! Why don't you sit down, not act like such a little bitch, and make the most of this situation because well whether you want to admit it or not, tomorrow morning this will be big news around the WcF and it will be you who breaks it to the world and well I think you and I both know the closest you're ever gunna get to a Pulitzer or Nobel Prize is by reading about it on the Internet, but well breaking this big of a story before WAR should work wonders for you already abismal career. I mean I know you've been busy interviewing Roy Speede during his grueling work out routines and what not, but how about we switch gears and actually cover something interesting for a change, because again Harry, whether you want to admit it or not, every time you and I seem to cross paths you cannot deny that I create situations that get the kiddies talking, and well...I think I've out done myself once again!
Hank Brown: OK, fine I'll stay, but not because I think you're right...I'm staying because maybe, just maybe it might be worth something to say I conducted the last interview with LA Johnny Stylez, because if you think for two seconds that you are going to get away with this Johnny Stylez then you have in all likelyhood finally smoked yourself retarded!
LA Johnny Stylez: I can neither confirm nor deny that sir...I think I'll have the plead the fifth on that one...NEXT QUESTION!
Hank Brown: Next question? The interview hasn't even offically begun yet!
LA Johnny Stylez: Well what the phuck are you waiting on Suzy? An invitation? Time is of the essence here, and well we've still got more preperations to make, so if you would please get on with this!
Hank Brown: FINNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE...
LA Johnny Stylez: Can I get you something to drink?
Hank being the scared little bitch that he is looks like he is about to have a got damn anxiety attack, so the invitation to have a drink to prehaps calm his nerves for once is actually welcome..
Hank Brown: You know I think I just might take you up on that...What do you have?
Just then both Hank's and Johnny's attention is directed towards Goat as he walks over to one of the ninja body guards lifts up his leg and pisses on one of their faces. Hank then turns and looks at Johnny with a look of sheer disgust as Johnny goes to answer his question.
LA Johnny Stylez: Well there was some scotch, but as you can see we helped ourself to a little bit of it to toast our victory, and well before we knew it the bottle was empty, but I'm pretty sure I saw some beer around here somewhere...
Hank Brown: NO!...NO! Nevermind I'm not thirsty after all!
LA Johnny Stylez: OK then suit yourself Harold, I was just trying to help!
Hank Brown: JOHNNY PLEASE IT's HANK!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah...that's what I said!
Hank Brown: Jesus you're hopeless! And I don't mean just the name thing. I guess my first question is, how in the hell do you think you are going to get away with this, as it doesn't look like you gentlemen brought your cleaning supplies with you...
LA Johnny Stylez: Get away with it? Hank you gravely misunderstand the situation here! I'm not trying to get away with anything! I did this for quite a few reasons which as I'm sure you know me well enough by now to know we will touch on every single one of them, but the main reason I did it was to help Seth Lerch!
Hank Brown: Help Seth Lerch? Johnny Stylez have you gone mad? How is you breaking into his office, taking a championship that doesn't belong to you, while injuring his security staff helping him at all?
LA Johnny Stylez: Once again Hank your narrow mind if blinding you from seeing the truth. I am not trying to help him the way you're thinking. Last week on Slam, Seth Lerch sought to put a bounty on my head as well as the head of Polar Phantasm, and why I know for a fact Phantasm can take care of himself, I did this to take some of the heat off him and put it right where it belongs...
!!!!ON ME!!!!
Because Make No Mistake About It, The Decision To Put ScoutMaster In His Place WAS CARRIED OUT BY US, AND BY US I MEAN ME!!!
ANd I do not say that in attempt to steal credit from those who helped me put that self rightous prick in his place, I take the credit because I don't want anyone else to suffer Seth's wrath. So the way I am trying to help Seth is, Seth sought to put a target on my forehead, chest, or whatever have you for putting one of his favorites on the shelf, and well if that's what Seth was trying to accomplish I figure why not give him a hand because after all if you're going to do something you might as well
!!!!!DO IT RIGHT!!!!
Meaning If There Is Going To Be A Target On My Back I Might As Well Make Sure It's PHUCKING BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!!!
Because I'm gunna tell ya right now Mr. Green that...
Hank Brown: That what?...You're suicidal?
LA Johnny Stylez: Ha, I'm sure it may look that way, but no! Basically the way I am approaching this WAR match and my situation is like this. What's done is done, whatever Seth Lerch's grudge against me and my fellow MisFitz is all about I may never understand, but then again I don't really care to because as I have disclosed I have been putting up with shit like this my entire life! That's why Tommy Kain and I are MiSFiTZ in the phucking first place. Just because we've been dealt a bad hand doesn't mean we are going to up and fold like so many people have in this game! One thing I have busted my ass to prove in this company is the fact that I'm not like the people I joined this company with. One thing I am and always will be is a
!!!!F.I.G.H.T.E.R.!!!!
Or In This Case A PRO WRESTLER!!!
It's been me versus the world since day one. That's how it's always been and that's probably how it's always going to be until the very last breathe of oxygen passes through my lungs, and quite frankly I wouldn't have it any other way! Because while Seth may think his attempt to turn the entire roster on me inside of that WAR match is a punishment I look at it and see nothing but
~$~ OppoRTuNiTy ~$~
...And When Opportunity Comez A KNoCkIn ONLY A FOOL WOULDN'T ANSWER!!!
An opportunity to prove a lot of people wrong about a lot of different things, and that includes my partner in crime Tommy Kain!
Hank Brown: Tommy Kain? Are you telling me there may be a little trouble in paradise blooming? Which ya know would make sense given the fact that The MiSFiTz just can't seem to grab the provebial brass ring, as you have all fallen short in title matches over the past few weeks, and with the losses piling up it would make sense that tensions are getting thicker by the minute.
LA Johnny Stylez: And once again Hank you show just how truly short sighted you are! No there isn't trouble in paradise, there aren't any problems at all. The only problems TK and I ever run into is when we run out of booze and it's too late to buy alochol! Another one of the reasons I decided to do what I did here tonight was actually motivated by a conversation Tommy and I had a little over twelve hours ago. I mean I'd be a bold face liar if I sat here and told you that we weren't getting frustrated with walking out of those Championship matches empty handed with nothing to show for ourselves save for a couple of new scars and bruises, but who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean we are giving up!
Actually the reason I am sitting here with this belt draped over my shoulder pretty much daring the entire WcF to come try and make a name off me is to prove the exact opposite. Tommy feels that this WAR match is a bit of a sham. He feels that this isn't the match Seth Lerch and everyone else has hyped it up to be! For instance anyone who speaks of this WAR match speaks of it like it is the ULTIMATE opportunity in the WcF, like this is the one time of year when truly anything can happen, as it is the one time of year that no matter your position or stature in the company it is truly everyone versus everyone and in an environment like that, anything can happen. In theory someone could literally start out at the bottom and walk out completley on top of the world, and my friend Tommy Kain has taken it upon himself to CALL
!!!!BULLSHIT ON IT!!!!
...And In All HONESTY A BIG PART OF ME AGREES WITH HIM!!!
A big part of me thinks that this is nothing more than a well planned event for Seth Lerch to show each and every single one of us where we stand in his company...But then again there is this other part of me, deep down within the depths of my soul, which I didn't know I had until the conversation with Tommy that wouldn't allow me to agree with him. It's the same part of me that forces me to get back up after my every defeat and keep coming, and refuse to stay down! Because even with the odds stacked more heavily against me then pretty much everyone else in the match like I told you before Hank, I see, smell, and taste nothing but sweet, beautiful, wonderful, once in a life time OPPORTUNITY!
Hank Brown: Did...Did you just call me Hank?
LA Johnny Stylez: I don't know Sally, just hear me out. Because while Seth may have stacked the deck against me, what he also did was create a tremendous opportunity for me as well. Because what if...and this is a big what if...but
???WHAT IF???
Ole LERCHENSTEIN's PLAN TO HAVE ME EXIT THE WAR MATCH EARLY BACKFIREZ???
What if every single stupid dickhead who comes at me wet with the anticipation and hopes of recieving an Internet title match ends up toppoling over the top rope instead of me? What if it does take the entire WcF roster working together to get me over the top rope?...I'll tell ya exactly what will happen Hank. I will have taken the nothing Seth Lerch intended for me and I will have turned it into the spark I and maybe the rest of the MiSFITZ needed to turn this thing around and be seen, known, and respected for what Tommy and I truly are deep down and that my friend are true, real to life, natural bread
!!!!F'N CHAMPIONZ!!!!
Because If There Was Ever A Chance For Us To Prove THAT IS WHAT WE ARE IT IS THIS EVENT CALLED WAR!!!
And that is why I not only welcome Seth Lerch's bounty, but I phucking embrace it. You can call me suicidal if you'd like and ya know what...
!!!!MAYBE I AM!!!!!
BECAUSE I BELIEVE WE BELONG AT THE TOP OF THIS COMPANY AND I'M WILLING TO DIE TO F'N PROVE IT!!!
But above all else I am eager to prove to everyone especially Seth Lerch that LA Johnny Stylez is a CHAMPION with or without any of his WcF Title belts! I will show each and every single one of them why stepping in the ring with me usually ends up being deemed the match of the week, because I have a natural knack for taking a situation and turning it into must see, can't miss television!
Hank Brown: Ok then, if you know you are a Champion without any of Seth Lerch's title belts then why go through all this trouble to steal the WcF Internet Championship?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well again Hanky Panky, there are numerous reasons I did this you should really try and keep up...But if you want to know why I decided to come and take the belt, well I guess when you tear away all the bullshit there is really only one true answer, and the reason I decided to come and take this belt is because of the simple fact that whether Seth Lerch or anyone else in the WcF choses to anknowledge it, the WcF Internet Championship is, was, and always will be
!!!!M.I.N.E.!!!!
Especially Right Now Because As You May VeRy WeLL KnOw
~!$!~ P.O.S.E.S.S.I.O.N. ~!$!~
IS 9/10thz of THE LAW!!!
And since I am such a law abiding citizen I figure we go ahead and make sure to follow this one. And I know what your next question is, where do I get off thinking that this title on my shoulder belongs to me. Well aside from the fact that no one, not even The SCOUTSISTER himself went above and beyond to make this title worth a damn in this company than I have. ANd well if you want to look at things from a wrestling point of view, the person who usually puts down the CHAMPION is typically crowned the NEW CHAMPION and well since it was I who put that 42 year old virgin on the shelf I think it's painfully obvious what the next move should be. I mean in order to become the next Internet Champion someone must go through
!!!!!ME!!!!!!
IN ORDER TO DO IT...WoULD YoU LiKe MoRe ReaSoNZ CaUsE I CaN DO THIS ALL DAY!!!!
But more importantly because I am ready and willing to go through each and every single WcF Superstar in order to prove that I am the rightful WcF Internet Champion. Because I have proven time and time again that being the WcF Internet Champion actually means something to me. Unlike ScoutMaster I didn't use this title to hold above anyone's head. This title is mine because there is no one that has ever held it or aspired to hold it who was more proud of being the WcF Internet Champion then MYSELF. I took ScoutMaster to a limit no one else in this company has been able to push him to in the name of this CHAMPIONSHIP. I mean not that you need any more proof but look at where we are at this very moment Hank! In doing what I have done I have pretty much risked
!!!!EVERYTHING!!!!
TO HOLD THIS TITLE AS MINE ONCE MORE!!!
I in all likelyhood put my career in jeapordy to hold this championship once again. I mean I broke laws, and went above and beyond and probably made Seth Lerch more mad at me than he ever has or will be in order to prove that I am the rightful owner of this title! I mean I suppose I could have taken the Synn, Doc Henry, and Adam Young route and gone to WalMart and purchased some random title and made up my own title, but then there was that little bitty fact that unlike those three gentlmen ( a term I am using very losesly) I aint a
!!!!F'N LAME ASS!!!!!
I UnDeRSTaNDZ, THAT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING IN THIS LIFE/BUSINESS YOU JUST GOTTA REACH OUT AND
!!!!F'N TAKE IT!!!!
And That Is EXACTLY WHAT THE PHUCK I DID!!!
And that is precisley what I will continue to do until I bust through the glass ceiling here in the Wrestling Championship Federation!
Hank Brown: OK, but even though Seth Lerch has put the Internet Championship as a bounty on your head in the WAR match you do understand that this match is about more than the Internet Championship don't you?
LA Johnny Stylez: OF COURSE I DO ASSHAT! And once again all you have to do is take a good look around you Hank and see for yourself what sets me aside from every single phuck mook who has cut a promo for this WAR MATCH. Because in doing this I have also managed to prove what seperates MYSELF from every single one of them!
Hank Brown: And that would be?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well unlike dip shits like Joel Hall, Tek, and the rest of them I did more than just get in front of a camera and shoot my mouth off! Because the one thing that seperates me from them, is the also the one thing that makes being a MISFIT so got damn important. Because at the end of the day Joel Hall can come out here and shoot is mouth off all he wants, but when the smoke phucking clears just like every single time I've been in the ring with Joel Hall you will discover that the only thing Joel Hall really did with his long winded speech where he basically got a list of WcF superstars and ran them down one by one was
!!!!RUN HIS PHUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!!
SuRPRiZe PHUCKING SuRPRiZe!!!
Because it's going to take more than talking to win this match, and I not only ran my mouth but I made sure I got off my ass and I did something that sent a message to not just one man, but to each and every single mother phucker in that match that I was more than prepared to
!!!GO 2 WAR!!!
...And I Don't Have To Single EACH ON OF THEM OUT TO PROVE IT!!!
Because the fact that I am sitting behind Seth Lerch's desk with the prize he has offered the WcF roster to eliminate me, speaks loudly and phucking clearly, and since I know I am dealing with moronz like you I'll go ahead and spell it out for ya Hank. What this says is that I'm not gunna walk out to that ring and just wait for some curtian jerker to try and further himself through me. I aint even gunna give them chance to bring the fight to me. From the moment I step foot through those ropes you can bet your last got damn dollar from the moment I throw my first punch until the moment I either win the match or get eliminated I will be doing anything and everything I physically can to make sure IT IS THEM who go toppiling over the top rope and onto the floor and NOT ME!
I shouldn't and I'm not going to sit here and run down every single mother phucker on the WcF roster, because they should already know that if they cross me inside of one of those rings I am going to make sure they phucking regret even thinking about cashing in on Seth Lerch's little bounty! And even beyond that those at the top of the pecking order should know that I will be doing anything and everything I can to prove to Seth Lerch and every single WcF fan in that arena and watching at home that I belong in the ring with guys like Eric Price, Steve Orbit, Frank Patrick Venable, and Sarah LogaLiGht! Because in all honesty who they are don't make a damn bit of a difference to me! I am going into this match trying to win. I am going into this match fighting for my life because that and everything else is on the line! And when it's over a lot of people are going to have no one to blame execpt Seth Lerch because he is the reason they were attacked and disposed off with such violence, rage, and passion, because I refuse to play his games any longer!
I spoke to you eariler about wanting to prove Tommy wrong, because I do believe that this match is the opportunity he and I have been waiting for. This is bigger than the title matches we have allowed to slip passed us. And Tommy are the kinda guys who learn from our mistakes, and we have made quite a few. And now...In the midst of the biggest WAR on the WcF's annual roster is where the MISFITS make our stand. This is our opportunity to do to the WcF roster what we did to the injured FORMER WCF INTERNET CHAMPION known as
!!!!STUART SLANE!!!!
BECAUSE IT WAS US WHO STOPPED THE UNSTOPPABLE!!!
Did we get the job done inside of the ring? No...But we did find a way to stop him, and well I'm just as happy with that result because I believe it was Stuart Slane who foolishly bragged for weeks on end about being the man who killed the MISFITS, bragged about showing the world our weaknesses...When low and behold it was those same men who rose up and put that self righteous asshat in his place and now the only thing we hear from the SCOUTMASTER is
!!!!NOTHING!!!!
AND THAT IS WHY THERE IS A BOUNTY ON MY HEAD!!!
Because Seth Lerch is afraid of that! But even though I said I disagree with Tommy let me take this opportuity to point out that there is one thing that I do agree with him on. And that is that it isn't this WAR match that proves anything can happen! It is WE who prove that! And I don't mean just Tommy and MYSELF! The reason anything can happen in a match like this, is because all it is going to take is someone with the passion, the will, and desire that out weighs that of every other person in that ring and we can make a difference! We can change the course of history we can turn this thing around. We can make them forget every mistake we made in the past and force them to see us as the threat, the force, and the CHAMPION that we truly are! ANd I am going to tell you this right here and right now Hank Brown, all bullshit and joking aside. I am sick to death of walking back to the locker room empty handed. I am sick to death of coming THIS CLOSE. I am sick to death of mediocrity! I am ready for Odin Balfores, Steve Orbit's, Jay Price, Jeff Purse, Synn, Doc Henry see me as the threat I am. Because as I have said countless times in the past I am the future of this company, and I promise you that their desire does not match my own! And if any of them want me out of this match it is going to take more than a smile. It is going to take everything they got with all of them working together. Because I made the decision a long time ago to make the Wrestling Championship Federation my home, and I aint leavin until my name is forever carved into the history books and their memories! And even though I may not have a lot to my name the little I do have is still worth fighting for, and I am willing to put all that on the line to prove one simple point to 32 other WcF competitors and one man in Seth Lerch and that is the fact that
!!!!!I BELONG!!!!!
And Just Like The PURPOSE OF THIS STAGED ATTACK I AINT AFRAID TO GET IN YOUR FACE TO PROVE IT!!!
So that's why I made sure to make such a mess in this office. I welcome each and every single consequence that will come from this, because if it gets me what I want, if it leads me to victory in this match or leads me to my break out moment in this company then it will all be WORTH IT! If I dump one former world champion over those ropes, if I make at least one of these so called main events look up from the floor and see my arrogant smirk shining down on them as they are forced to walk back to the locker room empty handed as I have so many times before in the past few weeks then that my friends is what will make this worth every phucking bit!
Hank Brown: OK well given that this is a battle royal one name you have mentioned is Tommy Kain, what if it comes down to the two of you?
LA Johnny Stylez: Tommy Kain is probably the best friend I have in this business. Being the DoN of DI$Re$PeCT should tell you that the list of people I respect in this business is short if there even is one. But Tommy Kain is a man who always has and always will have my every ounce of respect. And if it comes down to Tommy and I then he and I will do what we do best and we will kick the living shit out of each other until only one of us is left. Because we both know whats at stake here and together we will clear that ring of every single mother phucker who stands in our way until it is just the two of us, and then the crowd will really get a show! But as far as Tommy and I go...Our mission is to take the pecking order here in the WcF and rip that shit
!!!!To F'N SHREDZ!!!!
And See ThiS MiSFiT THING ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!
Tommy much like myself has the potential to be whatever he wants to be in this business, it's just a simple matter of putting foot to ass and getting it taken care of. Now Tommy may be a bit on the frustrated side right now, but once he sees what I see and realizes the things that I have realized there will be hell to pay inside of that WAR match, as this year may probably be one of the biggest and most talent filled WAR matches the WcF has ever seen. And the man who is able to outlast 32 other WcF superstars and claim his CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH at ONE will truly be able to lay claim to being the absolute BEST, and that is what Tommy and I have spent our entire WcF careers fighting for. Yeah we are known for our fun loving antics, but most importantly we are known for giving the WcF fans what they want to see each and every week! We bring something different to the table, and as you can see for yourself we always go above and beyond to make sure our messages are heard loudly and clearly!
And I'll tell ya this right here and right now Hank Brown, if we accomplish nothing else during this WAR match week it will be that the WcF will no longer see Tommy Kain and Johnny Stylez as their doormats! Tomorrow Night we make our statement loudly and clearly that even if we are the only two left we will fight like it aint nobodies business to make sure we are the only two left standing in that WAR MATCH! Because if nothing else every single WcF superstar doesn't matter name or stature will face the realization that whether they want to or not they will be forced to view Johnny Stylez and Tommy Kain their equals, as we force them to see things our way by taking their sorry asses and send them flying over the top rope and hopefully into the stands where they can sit with everyone else and have the best seat in the house as they watch either Tommy or Myself go onto claim the greatness that was rightfully ours as the MISFITS continue to fight through all the muck and shit in order to hang our hat with the best of the best here in the WcF, and if we are to go down then you can bet your last got damn dollar that we are going to take a few of these mother phuckers with us! So if you want Hank you can run and tell Seth Lerch what you saw here today, and you can tell him that Johnny Stylez has a message for you and the rest of the WcF andthe message is simple...Tell him that The Paragona of Americana told him and every one else to
!!!!!SoaK!!!!!
!!!!SoMe!!!!!
!!!!!UP!!!!!!!
Because If It's A WAR THEY WANT THEN IT'S A WAR THEY'LL GET!!!
So unless you got any other questions, I'd say this interview is over!
Hank Brown: Wel actually I do have but one more question...How in the hell did you pull this off?
As Johnny stands up and heads towards the door he hears Hank Brown's question and smirks as suddenly the scene fades and the missing pieces to the puzzle begin to unfold right before your very eyes in the form of a musical montage...
MonTaGe SCENE- SONG; All Along The Watch Tower by Jimi Hendrix
The oh so familiar guitar rhythm kicks off as the montage begins at the very beginning where Johnny Stylez drinking benge began after failing to capture the WcF Hardcore Championship from Roy Speede last week.
As the music plays we see a few brief scenes of Johnny's drinking reach belligerent levels.
Scene then shows Johnny drunkenly stumbling around the MiSFiT super secret hide out as he stumbles across the camo fatigues he used as his drill sergant uniform. And then as the lyrics kick off
"THeRe MuST BE SoMe KiNDa WAY OUTTA HERE"
We see Johnny reach a moment of clarity as if it all makes sense to him, as he thinks back to the conversation he and Tommy shared about the WAR MATCH.
Then as the music continues to play we see Johnny get on his phone and make the calls we then see Johnny standing in front of his MISFIT MARINES as they prepare for battle. Scne then switches to all of them piled in the truck as they are all playing air instruments to ALL ALONG THE WATCH TOWER.
Scene then shows them arriving to WcF HQ, as they all stumble out of the truck passing around a bottle of JAMESON. Johnny walks up to the door and it's locked as everyonein the group seems disapointed. Then AWESOME MAN walks up in an attempt to use his AWESOME STRENGTH to open the door, but before he is able to do anything, Goat backs up and rams the door down with his horns and WWI helmet, as AWESOME MAN and Johnny share a high five as the group enters the building.
" WOAAAAA AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL AROUND THE WATCH TOWWWAAAAA"
As the chorus hits we see the MISFIT marines cornered by WcF security as they all stand in a circle and prepare for a fight. And then as the guitar riff picks back up we see GOAT make the first attempt as he buries his WWI helmet in one of the security ninja's nuts as a massive fight breaks out. We then see random shots of the vicious battle. Where everyone seems to hold their own execpt for Jallell White, as a man goes to hit him with a night stick, but before he does, Jallell stops and puts on a pair of glasses as the Security guard stops after he sees that he is about to take Steve Urkel's head off with the night stick. The guard stops and laughs as Urkel joins him, and as the man feels lke he is safe, Jallel rares back and kicks the dude in the nuts. But the minute the guy hits the ground groping his groin in agony, Urkel is jumped by several of the guys and then is on the recieving end of an assbeating that resmbles the on Rodney King recieved from those dirty cops almost two decades ago.
We then see Johnny able to sneak away from the battle as AWESOME MAN and GOAT begin to tie up all the unconcious security guards as Johnny has GOAT ram Lerch's office door down. Johnny then walks into Seth's office and in the center of the room on Seth's desk sits the item of interest, as the room is totally dark but there is a light shining down on the INTERNET CFHAMPIONSHIp as Johnny walks up to it and just looks down as he glares at it and allows his entire WcF career to flash through his mind, as he thinks about everything he has done that has lead him up to this point. Awesome Man then walks up beside him and puts his hands on his shoulder as Johnny looks at him as the two bump fits, as Johnny picks the title up off of Seth's desk and holds it high in the air for all the MISFIT Marines to see as they celebrate their victory.
Johnny's eyes then look over against the wall and see Seth's bottle of SCOTCH just sitting there begging to be drank, and then as the final solo of the song kicks off we see The MiSFITs passing around the bottle having a break dance off as they take turns in the center break dancing. We even see Roy Speede's mother get a little freaky as she attempts to play the stripper role as her turn comes to be in the middle and the clothes just start flying off. Johnny and AWESOME MAN are leaning against the desk, as Johnny smokes a joint while AWESOME MAN sits with his eyes covered,
Then after a few moments we see Ms. Speede trying to get freaky with Goat, as we see random cuts of the scene of them two getting on, and then some how or another we see Roy Speede's mother handcuff herself to Seth Lerch's file cabinet only at this point she is as naked as the day she war born. We then see Johnny take his seat behind Seth's desk as he awaits the arrival of Hank Brown. The musical montage then reaches an end as Johnny and AWESOME MAN take all the WcF action figures and have them bent over on Seth's desk as the MISFIT action figures are positioned making it look like they are giving it to them from behind.
Then the scene switches back to Seth's office as we see Johnny and Hank going to walk out of the office.
Hank Brown: So that naked lady handcuffed to the file cabinet is Roy Speede's mother?
LA Johnny Stylez: Sure is Hanky Panky! And yes she loves THE GOAT COCK! Loves is like you love Micheal Bolton!
Hank Brown: I don't know man I LOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE Me some Micheal Bolton!
LA Johnny Stylez: YEAH! I KNOW!
Hank Brown: Ohh...OHHHHHHHHH....Ew that's grose!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah tell me about it!
Hank Brown: So you're just gunna leave her here?
LA Johnny Stylez: PHUCK YEAH! There is nothing worse then the drunken over the hill slut who is alwayss trying to get in GOAT's pants, plus she is the final part of the message!
Hank Brown: What do you mean?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well picture this...Seth comes into work tomorrow morning and finds his office in shambles, the WcF Internet Title missing, and Roy Speede's mother handcuffed naked to the his filing cabinet, and ohh yeah did I mention that I'm taking the keys with me?
Hank Brown: Johnny, can I ask you a question?
LA Johnny Stylez: Sure go right ahead.
Hank Brown: Why do you always have to be such a dick?
LA Johnny Stylez: WHAT?...Well Seth started it! I'm just trying to show him and everyone else what happens when you phuck with the MISFITS! Because it always one way or another ends up the same. You mess with us and we'll phuck your office up, steal your shit and leave dirty skanky sluts handcuffed naked in your office! And that my friend is how you make a mother phucker
!!!!SoaK!!!!
!!!!Some!!!!
'!!!!!UP!!!!!
MiSFiT STYLE!!!'
There might be hell to pay for this, but Like I said I have a feeling it'll be worth it Hank, just you wait an see...Because with the MISFITS around you can pretty much always gurantee things will remain interesting!...I'm just sayin...And with the MISFITS around even in a disaster like this, it still some how always ends up the same. Because this situation just like every other before it
...Has Been Your Pleasure
4:19
GoT
-A-
??MiNuTe??
I do not really have a name, so if you want to call me anything you may just call me
~$~ THE NARRATOR ~$~
KiNDA LiKe The DuDe YOU HEAR DURING THE PREVIEWZ AT THE MOVIEZ ONLY MY VOICE ISN'T THAT SEXY!!!
My soul purpose is to bring you up to speed about the situation that Johnny Stylez and his fellow cohorts find themselves in after the weeks events. It is my job to take what happened at Slam or at whatever event took place that following week and put his mindset and his motives into prespective in terms of the past, present, and future, and then once that has been accurately described then he takes over. There I think that just about sums it up...
Hopefully this clears the air for the lot of you, as it has been our understanding that this part of the Johnny Stylez promo has been the confusing part. So think of me as your guide through the thoughts, feelings, emotions of the one and only DoN of Di$Re$PeCT...Now having said all that, I believe I have a job to get to, so without further ado, let's get this got damn show on the road shall we?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It would appear that WAR is upon us ladies and gentlemen. A statement of the obvious as this seems to be the one and only subject on the minds of anyone and everyone in the WcF as of late. This particular event has seen the rising of some of the WcF's most historic and greatest stars, and well is one of those events that can make or break any man's career. It is in events like these where true legends are born, and well in a match where every single member of the WcF roster is involved anything can happen, because what it all boils down to is who really wants it?
Who really wants to reach out and grab that brass ring and truly leave their mark on this great orginization that has been setting the bar of excellence in this business for years now. Over the years we have all seen our fair share of companies open and close, rise and fold quicker than you can bat a phucking eye lash, but the WcF has remained a constant in a business that changes as much as Roy Speede's mother changes sexual partners. And that is why this WAR match is so phucking important. Because it affords men like The Paragona of Americana a chance at a chance that they would not recieve on any other basis.
An opportunity to step in the ring with the virtual who's who of the WcF and see where they truly stack up. Legendary status is theres for the taking for the chance to go through the entire WcF roster and be the only one left standing at this point would most definitley be an honor above any and all other considering the talent jam packed on the WcF roster these days.
But that's how it is for everyone on the WcF roster with the execption of two men. The artist formely known as Kid Phantasm and The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT LA Johnny Stylez. Due to the fact that two weeks ago, Johnny Stylez lead the MisFiTZ to attack and put a man in his place for ignorantly claiming things he had no business claiming, now leaves Johnny Stylez with a bounty placed upon his head.
Why Seth Lerch is so upset and shocked that these events took place is beyond the understanding of anyone with rational thought, because the fact of the matter is actually quite simple. Scoutmaster quite frankly
!!!!GoT WHaT He HaD F'N CoMiNG!!!!
...He Didn'T EXPeCT US TO DO NOTHING DID HE?
Because if he did then it's his fault for being an idiot! In this business one must be always looking over their shoulder because you never know when someone is going to come from behind to take you out or to get their vengance for past trangressions. ScoutMaster got hurt because ScoutMaster wasn't prepared, and for a Boyscout to be caught unprepared should tell you everything you need to know about the kind of Scout, Stuart Slane is, was, and probably always will be...Seth may miss the prematch reach arounds or the PMS esq temper tantrums he throws when he doesn't get his way, but the fact is Johnny Stylez nor any of the other MisFiTz will apologize for what they did because as we said eariler ScoutMaster earned his ass beating for claiming to kill that which he did not, prehaps now he would have learned a valuble lesson not to be so got damn
!!!!I.G.N.O.R.A.N.T.!!!!!
Because If He Wasn't He'd PROBABLY STILL BE THE INTERNET CHAMPION AND NOT LAID UP IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING SPONGE BATHS FROM MALE NURSES!!!
So needless to say going into this match there are those who go into this match thinking they have a target on their back, which for most is just something most of them say to make themselves feel important, when on the otherhand there are those that actually have targets on their backs namely LA Johnny Stylez and the man known as Polar Phantasm. Because now there are two title shots that hang in the balance of this WAR match as the winner of WAR of course advances to ONE to square off against the WcF Heavyweight Champion for the richest prize in the game, and then to any man who eliminates Phantasm or Stylez is set to recieve a shot at what is the now vacant Internet Championship.
So if it weren't bad enough Johnny Stylez had to prepare to outlast every single member of the WcF roster he also must now prepare to defeat every single one of those same men, as his elimination comes with the promise of a championship opportunity of their own. So with the stakes raised on Johnny Stylez's eliminations Johnny Stylez sought to make sure he was good and ready to bring the WAR to the WcF whenever his entrance into this match is made. And after his crushing loss to Roy Speede at Slam last week to say that The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT is on edge is kind of an understatement. Yet none the less we find Johnny Stylez today like we find him after most big matches after losing, which is piss ass drunk.
Drunk and angry is never a good combination of things to be, especially when you are The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT because his fortay has always been smoking. Johnny never drinks unless something is wrong, and well when someone like him drinks and thinks that is typically followed by
!!!!BaD F'N DeCiSiONZ!!!!
And While For Many These Decisions Include, Drunk Dialing/Texting, Fighting, Or BaNGiNG SOMe FaTTy or OTHER MOPED
*PaUsE*
AS WE DEFINE THE TERM MOPED FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW...
MOPED (adj/n.)- Moped is a term used to describe a girl that one has sexual intercourse with that they would be ashamed to tell their friends about. They call it a moped because like a moped these females are
"FuN To RiDe UnTiL YoUr FRiENDz CATCH YoU DoIn IT"
(Shannan Lerch comes to mind)
*UNPaUsE*
But getting back to the point, Johnny Stylez is no execption to this rule as you will come to discover in the following moments that Johnny's drinking ultimatley leads him to make what will probably go down as one of the worst decisions he has ever made in his entire WcF career. Johnny's drinking him leads him to make the MECCA of bad decisions, as Johnny's decision undoublty will further put him on the bad side of WcF owner Seth Lerch as this coming decision will most definitley allow Johnny Stylez to break into at the very least the top five of Seth Lerch's shit list, but from Johnny's point of view if you are going to do something
!!!!DO IT RIGHT!!!!
In Other Words, If Seth is GuNNa Be PISSED OFF AT HIM, THEN WHY NOT MAKE HIM REALLY PISSED OFF?
Not the logic of someone who is thinking clearly, but as we already described to you Johnny misplaced his sobriety and his rational thinking some time ago, as this sort of logic would only make sense to a raving drunk. But needless to say if Johnny is going into WAR with a target on his back he is going to make sure it's big enough for all to see, which is what lead Johnny Stylez to think it was a good idea to...
STEAL THE WcF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP FROM SETH LERCH'S OFFICE!!!!
But before we go jumping ahead of ourselves, let us show you how this came to pass.
As you know Johnny has spent the past few hours...No...DAYS in a drunken stooper. So much that he decided to call together a secret meeting for his secret army of MISFIT soilders to help him undertake this super stealth mode rescue mission. And we say it's a rescue mission because the Internet Championship has needed saving ever since it fell into the grasp of that Nazi Terrorist (which by all American standards is the worst thing you could possibly be) Stuart Slane. Now granted over the past few weeks we have seen the ranks of The MiSFiTz dwindle as Ryan Pugh, LA KIEF, and Ophelia Pain have all taken leave due to nagging injuries and personal issues, so Johnny had to make due with what he had.
The scene opens today with Johnny Stylez, dressed in full camo fatigues, dressed to the teeth like a real life DRILL SERGANT, he even has the hat and little whip thing and everything! He walks onto the scene as in the back drop there is a MISFIT version of the AMERICAN flag that has the stars and stripes, but the MISFIT logo stitched on the side. It kinda looks like back in the gap when Sergant Slaughter would open the GI JOE cartoons and give you the rundown of the assbeating JOE was about to give COBRA. And standing at attention are Johnny's MISFIT MARINES (Super Secret Stealth Soilders) some of them you recgonize some of them you don't which is why we are going to go on a roll call.
First up is Johnny's Lt. and Second in Command, Lt. Goat who is dressed in camo's and a WWI army helmet
Next to him is AWESOME MAN who strangely resembles Johnny's MISFIT compatriot Tommy Kain who Johnny did not involve with this so he would not be implicated and forced to suffer the wrath this mission will undoublty bring upon him.
Then next to him is Private Jalell White who used to play Steve Urkel back in the day but now is one of Johnny's most trusted soilders who will act as a pawn or a distraction incase things go sour, because if they are noticed people will be so pleased to learn that one of television's most beloved characters is indeed not dead.
Then next to them is a stool with a great variety of action figures, some of them are WcF action figures as we see the likes of WcF World Champion Jonny Fly, Steve Orbit, FPV, and Kid Phantasm, and then also in the mix are black market action figures LA KIEF, RYAN PUGH, and Ophelia Pain. We aren't really sure why Johnny had these here, but keep in mind he is out of his mind hammered!
And then finally holding up the rear is none other than Ms. Speede as in Roy Speede's Mother, who is really only here because she wants to have sex with GOAT again, but he told her the only way he would even think about it is if she proved herself, and well Goat had other things in mind to make her do that but this mission came up on the FLY and well...Here she is, but little does she know GOAT really has no intention on letting her touch his mighty GOAT penis again, she is really just here incase we have to go to plan C, which is the worst case scenario plan and the team will cut her lose so that they can escape...Which ya know is something every army needs.
A crazy group may have never been assembled but none the less these are the people for the JOB, and the MISSIOn is quite clear...FIND, STEAL...uh we mean CoNFiSCaTe and RETURN THE WCF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP to the people and it's rightful owner...The one and only LA Johnny Stylez, THE PARAGONA OF AMERICANA!!!
Now as television and movies have told us over the years is that before big missions such as this one, it is the CoMMaNDiNg OFFICER's duty to give some big speech to hype his troops up and let them know the severity of the issue and importance of the mission itself. Now whether or not this kinda shit actually happens in real life doesn't really matter, because Johnny is pretty sure thats how shit is supposed to go, and well with a mission as important as this one he wasn't going to take any chances.
So he paces back and fourth two good times as he looks at his stealth mode army of MiSFiTz, as he pops a cigarette in his mouth and sparks it up. He takes a drag and stands so that he is front and center facing them. He allows the smoke from his first drag to roll out of his nostrils as he is either thinking about what to say or trying to remember why everyoneis here in the first place because after all Mr. Stylez has been drinking quite a bit. But none the less the pep talk ensues.
LA Johnny Stylez: Men...and Roy Speede's mother, first off I would like to thank you all for being here. During times like these it is important to let the enemy know that we refuse to take anything lying down...With the execption of you Ms. Speede, no offense. But during these times of WAR it is imperative that the enemy be made aware of our ReSoLVe. They must know that engaging in WAR against a MISFIT is one of the worst things you can do, because if there is one thing we represent in this world more than anything it is a natural unwillingless to be broken, defeated, or stopped! That's what makes us us, gentlemen! They need to learn the same as that khaki short, girl scout cookie pedaling phedophile found out at Shoot-2-THRILL that ignoring or over looking the likes of The MiSFiTz more times often than not results in sheer and absolute
!!!!!P.A.I.N.!!!!!
...As WE PROVE TO THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL JUST WHO THE PHUCK THEY ARE DEALING WITH!!
Each of you standing before me has taken your fair share of hits over the course of your lives and careers, and we have all tasted the bitterness of defeat once or twice. But the fact that you stand before me today, ready to make a move that will send a message to not only Seth Lerch but the entire WcF that we refuse to go down says everything anyone needs to know about who we are dealing with. Because men like us refuse to stay down, it doesn't matter how many times we get knocked down each and every single time we get back up and we get back in the game like we never even fell
!!!!AT ALL!!!!
...And We Continue To BRING THE FIGHT TO THEIR BITCH ASS FACEZ!!!
I look up and down this group and I see nothing but men who are tired of being over looked, I see men who are ready to take up arms, and head into this WAR head on. I see men who are brave enough to stand beside me and help me send a message throughout the entire WcF that The MiSFiTZ know good and got damn well that we will never be handed a got damn thing in this life, if we want something it's up to us to find a way to just straight up
!!!!F'N TAKE IT!!!!
And ReFuSe TO TaKe NO FOR AN ANSWER!!!
The only one with the power to change our situations gentlemen is OURSELVEZ! And tonight we do what we must in order to take the first step in that direction! Tonight we take our destiny in our own hands, and tonight we bring back what is rightfully ours. And more importantly tonight we let the WcF know that if it's a fight they want, if it's a WAR they want then that is
!!!!PRECISLEY WHAT THE PHUCK THEY'RE GUNNA GET!!!!!
BeCaUse I BELIEVE IT WAS BILL SHAKESPERE WHO SAID...
!!!!WHAT WE DO IN THIS LIFE ECHOES IN ETERNITY!!!
...YEAH!!!
Awesome Man: Actually that was Russel Crowe Johnny...
LA Johnny Stylez: Uhh, what?
Awesome Man: Yeah, Russel Crowe said that in Gladiator...
LA Johnny Stylez: You sure?
Awesome Man: Uhh, yeah dude I'm AWESOME MAN...
LA Johnny Stylez: Right, I totally forgot about that!
Awesome Man: I don't see how, I have this freakin AWESOME CAPE BRO!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah...man I think I need a cape...
Awesome Man: Nah, you're not the cape type! But that hat you got on is pretty feckin sweet if I do say so myself.
LA Johnny Stylez: Thank you Awesome Man, coming from you that means a lot. It's really a shame Tommy couldn't make it.
Goat: BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
LA Johnny Stylez: I know Goat, I know someone has to stay here and hold down the fort with the execption of Ms. Speede I'd say we are done getting caught with our pants down! So having said that, who is ready to get out there and do some mother phuckin
???VaN DaMaGe???
The MiSFiT MaRine CORPS Let out a HUZZAH, as Johnny Stylez arrogantly smirks as he puts on a pair of avaitors as he takes another long drag from his cigarette and then flicks it away as he exhales the smoke through his mouth as he says...
LA Johnny Stylez: Well alright then, let's get this got damn show on the road then! MisFiTz...We're MOVIN OUT!!!
Johnny then salutes his soilders as they do the same, as they then break formation and head to the MISFIT attack mobile AKA Johnny's truck. As they all pile in the truck and Johnny cranks the engine, we watch as Johnny attempts to back out of the drive way, but being the miserable driver that he is he totally backs into Tommy's mailbox knocking it over.
Awesome Man: GOT DAMNIT JOHNNY, THAT's THE Fifth time this MONTH!
LA Johnny Stylez: Actually it's the sixth, but it's a good thing Tommy isn't here right Awesome Man, cause otherwise he'd probably be phuckin pissed huh?
Awesome Man: YES VERY!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah but remember we are at war, and in war there are casualties!
Awesome Man: But why the mailbox Johnny? The Mailbox was an innocent bystander!
LA Johnny Stylez: I don't know what to tell you dood, cept WAR IS HELL!
Awesome Man: You got that right! But do us a favor huh, the next time this little secret Stealth Mode Mission of ours claims a casualty can you please see to it that it's not one ours...
LA Johnny Stylez: Of course AWESOME MAN! OF COURSE!
....The banter between the two carries on, but the scene fades away and opens up
...A FeW HoURz LATER...
Location: WcF Front Office/Seth Lerch's Office 2:41 a.m..
Like a Quentin Tarantino flick the scene does not pick up in chronological order. From the looks of things Johnny's little mission was a success and seemingly went off without a hitch, as we find ourselves outside the WcF Office where we see none other than well respected WcF Broadcast Journalist Hank Brown make his way into the building.
We get the impression that Hank doesn't know what he is walking into as he does not walk with caution like he would if he knew Johnny Stylez or any of the other MisFiTz were behind this, and the look on his face once he enters Seth's office is a dead give away that he most definitley hadn't the slightest clue what he had gotten himself into, as the moment he walks into Seth's office he sees none other than The DoN of Di$Re$PeCT himself sitting behind Seth's desk with his feet propped on the desk and the WcF Internet Championship draped across his shoulder.
Hank looks around at the office that is a total phucking wreck as it seems a battle has taken place. We see a small army of security guards piled up on the floor close to the window, all of them have been tied up and beaten severly as Goat stands guard still wearing his WWI helmet. And next to them lies a single body as proof of the struggle as the battle that we have not seen saw casualties on both sides as Jalelle "Steve Urkel" White lies on the floor unconcious or maybe dead, as his eyes are wide open and there is blood all over his face. Awesome Man is no where to be seen and neither is Roy Speede's mother.
Yet Hank finds himself glaring at a man who he like a vast majority of the WcF roster openly despises. After taking a quick look around the room and all the carnage a big part of Hank tells him he should get the phuck outta there instead of risking being implicated with the rest of these MisFiT Bandits for their actions. But before he can leave Goat kicks the door closed and Johnny begins the conversation.
LA Johnny Stylez: HARRY! So nice of you to join us on such short notice! But being in your line of work you must know that you never really know when a story is going to break!
Hank Brown: Mr. Stylez for the millionth time my name is HANK, HANK, HANK, HANK...HHHAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKK!!!
LA Johnny Stylez: OK, Ok, Jesus CALM DOWN! Because if you wake up Seth's sleeping ninjas after Goat worked so hard to get them to sleep you might be able to join the short list of people in this world who know what it feels like to get rammed in the nuts by a Goat, and I don't think you came all the way down here just to get your tiny little sack rammed into your butt cheeks by my fury little friend over there!
Hank Brown: NO you're right! I came down here to get an interview with Seth about this years WAR match and how it is going to be one of the greatest of all time! And I don't know how you did it, but you tricked me! And now you have probably made me an accessory to the countless felonies you have and are committing as we speak!
LA Johnny Stylez: For the love of Christ Hank will you please shake the sand out of your vagina and be professional for a got damn second, because let's be real about something for a sec here cowboy. If we were going to get caught we would have already! Why don't you sit down, not act like such a little bitch, and make the most of this situation because well whether you want to admit it or not, tomorrow morning this will be big news around the WcF and it will be you who breaks it to the world and well I think you and I both know the closest you're ever gunna get to a Pulitzer or Nobel Prize is by reading about it on the Internet, but well breaking this big of a story before WAR should work wonders for you already abismal career. I mean I know you've been busy interviewing Roy Speede during his grueling work out routines and what not, but how about we switch gears and actually cover something interesting for a change, because again Harry, whether you want to admit it or not, every time you and I seem to cross paths you cannot deny that I create situations that get the kiddies talking, and well...I think I've out done myself once again!
Hank Brown: OK, fine I'll stay, but not because I think you're right...I'm staying because maybe, just maybe it might be worth something to say I conducted the last interview with LA Johnny Stylez, because if you think for two seconds that you are going to get away with this Johnny Stylez then you have in all likelyhood finally smoked yourself retarded!
LA Johnny Stylez: I can neither confirm nor deny that sir...I think I'll have the plead the fifth on that one...NEXT QUESTION!
Hank Brown: Next question? The interview hasn't even offically begun yet!
LA Johnny Stylez: Well what the phuck are you waiting on Suzy? An invitation? Time is of the essence here, and well we've still got more preperations to make, so if you would please get on with this!
Hank Brown: FINNNNNNNNEEEEEEEE...
LA Johnny Stylez: Can I get you something to drink?
Hank being the scared little bitch that he is looks like he is about to have a got damn anxiety attack, so the invitation to have a drink to prehaps calm his nerves for once is actually welcome..
Hank Brown: You know I think I just might take you up on that...What do you have?
Just then both Hank's and Johnny's attention is directed towards Goat as he walks over to one of the ninja body guards lifts up his leg and pisses on one of their faces. Hank then turns and looks at Johnny with a look of sheer disgust as Johnny goes to answer his question.
LA Johnny Stylez: Well there was some scotch, but as you can see we helped ourself to a little bit of it to toast our victory, and well before we knew it the bottle was empty, but I'm pretty sure I saw some beer around here somewhere...
Hank Brown: NO!...NO! Nevermind I'm not thirsty after all!
LA Johnny Stylez: OK then suit yourself Harold, I was just trying to help!
Hank Brown: JOHNNY PLEASE IT's HANK!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah...that's what I said!
Hank Brown: Jesus you're hopeless! And I don't mean just the name thing. I guess my first question is, how in the hell do you think you are going to get away with this, as it doesn't look like you gentlemen brought your cleaning supplies with you...
LA Johnny Stylez: Get away with it? Hank you gravely misunderstand the situation here! I'm not trying to get away with anything! I did this for quite a few reasons which as I'm sure you know me well enough by now to know we will touch on every single one of them, but the main reason I did it was to help Seth Lerch!
Hank Brown: Help Seth Lerch? Johnny Stylez have you gone mad? How is you breaking into his office, taking a championship that doesn't belong to you, while injuring his security staff helping him at all?
LA Johnny Stylez: Once again Hank your narrow mind if blinding you from seeing the truth. I am not trying to help him the way you're thinking. Last week on Slam, Seth Lerch sought to put a bounty on my head as well as the head of Polar Phantasm, and why I know for a fact Phantasm can take care of himself, I did this to take some of the heat off him and put it right where it belongs...
!!!!ON ME!!!!
Because Make No Mistake About It, The Decision To Put ScoutMaster In His Place WAS CARRIED OUT BY US, AND BY US I MEAN ME!!!
ANd I do not say that in attempt to steal credit from those who helped me put that self rightous prick in his place, I take the credit because I don't want anyone else to suffer Seth's wrath. So the way I am trying to help Seth is, Seth sought to put a target on my forehead, chest, or whatever have you for putting one of his favorites on the shelf, and well if that's what Seth was trying to accomplish I figure why not give him a hand because after all if you're going to do something you might as well
!!!!!DO IT RIGHT!!!!
Meaning If There Is Going To Be A Target On My Back I Might As Well Make Sure It's PHUCKING BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!!!
Because I'm gunna tell ya right now Mr. Green that...
Hank Brown: That what?...You're suicidal?
LA Johnny Stylez: Ha, I'm sure it may look that way, but no! Basically the way I am approaching this WAR match and my situation is like this. What's done is done, whatever Seth Lerch's grudge against me and my fellow MisFitz is all about I may never understand, but then again I don't really care to because as I have disclosed I have been putting up with shit like this my entire life! That's why Tommy Kain and I are MiSFiTZ in the phucking first place. Just because we've been dealt a bad hand doesn't mean we are going to up and fold like so many people have in this game! One thing I have busted my ass to prove in this company is the fact that I'm not like the people I joined this company with. One thing I am and always will be is a
!!!!F.I.G.H.T.E.R.!!!!
Or In This Case A PRO WRESTLER!!!
It's been me versus the world since day one. That's how it's always been and that's probably how it's always going to be until the very last breathe of oxygen passes through my lungs, and quite frankly I wouldn't have it any other way! Because while Seth may think his attempt to turn the entire roster on me inside of that WAR match is a punishment I look at it and see nothing but
~$~ OppoRTuNiTy ~$~
...And When Opportunity Comez A KNoCkIn ONLY A FOOL WOULDN'T ANSWER!!!
An opportunity to prove a lot of people wrong about a lot of different things, and that includes my partner in crime Tommy Kain!
Hank Brown: Tommy Kain? Are you telling me there may be a little trouble in paradise blooming? Which ya know would make sense given the fact that The MiSFiTz just can't seem to grab the provebial brass ring, as you have all fallen short in title matches over the past few weeks, and with the losses piling up it would make sense that tensions are getting thicker by the minute.
LA Johnny Stylez: And once again Hank you show just how truly short sighted you are! No there isn't trouble in paradise, there aren't any problems at all. The only problems TK and I ever run into is when we run out of booze and it's too late to buy alochol! Another one of the reasons I decided to do what I did here tonight was actually motivated by a conversation Tommy and I had a little over twelve hours ago. I mean I'd be a bold face liar if I sat here and told you that we weren't getting frustrated with walking out of those Championship matches empty handed with nothing to show for ourselves save for a couple of new scars and bruises, but who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean we are giving up!
Actually the reason I am sitting here with this belt draped over my shoulder pretty much daring the entire WcF to come try and make a name off me is to prove the exact opposite. Tommy feels that this WAR match is a bit of a sham. He feels that this isn't the match Seth Lerch and everyone else has hyped it up to be! For instance anyone who speaks of this WAR match speaks of it like it is the ULTIMATE opportunity in the WcF, like this is the one time of year when truly anything can happen, as it is the one time of year that no matter your position or stature in the company it is truly everyone versus everyone and in an environment like that, anything can happen. In theory someone could literally start out at the bottom and walk out completley on top of the world, and my friend Tommy Kain has taken it upon himself to CALL
!!!!BULLSHIT ON IT!!!!
...And In All HONESTY A BIG PART OF ME AGREES WITH HIM!!!
A big part of me thinks that this is nothing more than a well planned event for Seth Lerch to show each and every single one of us where we stand in his company...But then again there is this other part of me, deep down within the depths of my soul, which I didn't know I had until the conversation with Tommy that wouldn't allow me to agree with him. It's the same part of me that forces me to get back up after my every defeat and keep coming, and refuse to stay down! Because even with the odds stacked more heavily against me then pretty much everyone else in the match like I told you before Hank, I see, smell, and taste nothing but sweet, beautiful, wonderful, once in a life time OPPORTUNITY!
Hank Brown: Did...Did you just call me Hank?
LA Johnny Stylez: I don't know Sally, just hear me out. Because while Seth may have stacked the deck against me, what he also did was create a tremendous opportunity for me as well. Because what if...and this is a big what if...but
???WHAT IF???
Ole LERCHENSTEIN's PLAN TO HAVE ME EXIT THE WAR MATCH EARLY BACKFIREZ???
What if every single stupid dickhead who comes at me wet with the anticipation and hopes of recieving an Internet title match ends up toppoling over the top rope instead of me? What if it does take the entire WcF roster working together to get me over the top rope?...I'll tell ya exactly what will happen Hank. I will have taken the nothing Seth Lerch intended for me and I will have turned it into the spark I and maybe the rest of the MiSFITZ needed to turn this thing around and be seen, known, and respected for what Tommy and I truly are deep down and that my friend are true, real to life, natural bread
!!!!F'N CHAMPIONZ!!!!
Because If There Was Ever A Chance For Us To Prove THAT IS WHAT WE ARE IT IS THIS EVENT CALLED WAR!!!
And that is why I not only welcome Seth Lerch's bounty, but I phucking embrace it. You can call me suicidal if you'd like and ya know what...
!!!!MAYBE I AM!!!!!
BECAUSE I BELIEVE WE BELONG AT THE TOP OF THIS COMPANY AND I'M WILLING TO DIE TO F'N PROVE IT!!!
But above all else I am eager to prove to everyone especially Seth Lerch that LA Johnny Stylez is a CHAMPION with or without any of his WcF Title belts! I will show each and every single one of them why stepping in the ring with me usually ends up being deemed the match of the week, because I have a natural knack for taking a situation and turning it into must see, can't miss television!
Hank Brown: Ok then, if you know you are a Champion without any of Seth Lerch's title belts then why go through all this trouble to steal the WcF Internet Championship?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well again Hanky Panky, there are numerous reasons I did this you should really try and keep up...But if you want to know why I decided to come and take the belt, well I guess when you tear away all the bullshit there is really only one true answer, and the reason I decided to come and take this belt is because of the simple fact that whether Seth Lerch or anyone else in the WcF choses to anknowledge it, the WcF Internet Championship is, was, and always will be
!!!!M.I.N.E.!!!!
Especially Right Now Because As You May VeRy WeLL KnOw
~!$!~ P.O.S.E.S.S.I.O.N. ~!$!~
IS 9/10thz of THE LAW!!!
And since I am such a law abiding citizen I figure we go ahead and make sure to follow this one. And I know what your next question is, where do I get off thinking that this title on my shoulder belongs to me. Well aside from the fact that no one, not even The SCOUTSISTER himself went above and beyond to make this title worth a damn in this company than I have. ANd well if you want to look at things from a wrestling point of view, the person who usually puts down the CHAMPION is typically crowned the NEW CHAMPION and well since it was I who put that 42 year old virgin on the shelf I think it's painfully obvious what the next move should be. I mean in order to become the next Internet Champion someone must go through
!!!!!ME!!!!!!
IN ORDER TO DO IT...WoULD YoU LiKe MoRe ReaSoNZ CaUsE I CaN DO THIS ALL DAY!!!!
But more importantly because I am ready and willing to go through each and every single WcF Superstar in order to prove that I am the rightful WcF Internet Champion. Because I have proven time and time again that being the WcF Internet Champion actually means something to me. Unlike ScoutMaster I didn't use this title to hold above anyone's head. This title is mine because there is no one that has ever held it or aspired to hold it who was more proud of being the WcF Internet Champion then MYSELF. I took ScoutMaster to a limit no one else in this company has been able to push him to in the name of this CHAMPIONSHIP. I mean not that you need any more proof but look at where we are at this very moment Hank! In doing what I have done I have pretty much risked
!!!!EVERYTHING!!!!
TO HOLD THIS TITLE AS MINE ONCE MORE!!!
I in all likelyhood put my career in jeapordy to hold this championship once again. I mean I broke laws, and went above and beyond and probably made Seth Lerch more mad at me than he ever has or will be in order to prove that I am the rightful owner of this title! I mean I suppose I could have taken the Synn, Doc Henry, and Adam Young route and gone to WalMart and purchased some random title and made up my own title, but then there was that little bitty fact that unlike those three gentlmen ( a term I am using very losesly) I aint a
!!!!F'N LAME ASS!!!!!
I UnDeRSTaNDZ, THAT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING IN THIS LIFE/BUSINESS YOU JUST GOTTA REACH OUT AND
!!!!F'N TAKE IT!!!!
And That Is EXACTLY WHAT THE PHUCK I DID!!!
And that is precisley what I will continue to do until I bust through the glass ceiling here in the Wrestling Championship Federation!
Hank Brown: OK, but even though Seth Lerch has put the Internet Championship as a bounty on your head in the WAR match you do understand that this match is about more than the Internet Championship don't you?
LA Johnny Stylez: OF COURSE I DO ASSHAT! And once again all you have to do is take a good look around you Hank and see for yourself what sets me aside from every single phuck mook who has cut a promo for this WAR MATCH. Because in doing this I have also managed to prove what seperates MYSELF from every single one of them!
Hank Brown: And that would be?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well unlike dip shits like Joel Hall, Tek, and the rest of them I did more than just get in front of a camera and shoot my mouth off! Because the one thing that seperates me from them, is the also the one thing that makes being a MISFIT so got damn important. Because at the end of the day Joel Hall can come out here and shoot is mouth off all he wants, but when the smoke phucking clears just like every single time I've been in the ring with Joel Hall you will discover that the only thing Joel Hall really did with his long winded speech where he basically got a list of WcF superstars and ran them down one by one was
!!!!RUN HIS PHUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!!
SuRPRiZe PHUCKING SuRPRiZe!!!
Because it's going to take more than talking to win this match, and I not only ran my mouth but I made sure I got off my ass and I did something that sent a message to not just one man, but to each and every single mother phucker in that match that I was more than prepared to
!!!GO 2 WAR!!!
...And I Don't Have To Single EACH ON OF THEM OUT TO PROVE IT!!!
Because the fact that I am sitting behind Seth Lerch's desk with the prize he has offered the WcF roster to eliminate me, speaks loudly and phucking clearly, and since I know I am dealing with moronz like you I'll go ahead and spell it out for ya Hank. What this says is that I'm not gunna walk out to that ring and just wait for some curtian jerker to try and further himself through me. I aint even gunna give them chance to bring the fight to me. From the moment I step foot through those ropes you can bet your last got damn dollar from the moment I throw my first punch until the moment I either win the match or get eliminated I will be doing anything and everything I physically can to make sure IT IS THEM who go toppiling over the top rope and onto the floor and NOT ME!
I shouldn't and I'm not going to sit here and run down every single mother phucker on the WcF roster, because they should already know that if they cross me inside of one of those rings I am going to make sure they phucking regret even thinking about cashing in on Seth Lerch's little bounty! And even beyond that those at the top of the pecking order should know that I will be doing anything and everything I can to prove to Seth Lerch and every single WcF fan in that arena and watching at home that I belong in the ring with guys like Eric Price, Steve Orbit, Frank Patrick Venable, and Sarah LogaLiGht! Because in all honesty who they are don't make a damn bit of a difference to me! I am going into this match trying to win. I am going into this match fighting for my life because that and everything else is on the line! And when it's over a lot of people are going to have no one to blame execpt Seth Lerch because he is the reason they were attacked and disposed off with such violence, rage, and passion, because I refuse to play his games any longer!
I spoke to you eariler about wanting to prove Tommy wrong, because I do believe that this match is the opportunity he and I have been waiting for. This is bigger than the title matches we have allowed to slip passed us. And Tommy are the kinda guys who learn from our mistakes, and we have made quite a few. And now...In the midst of the biggest WAR on the WcF's annual roster is where the MISFITS make our stand. This is our opportunity to do to the WcF roster what we did to the injured FORMER WCF INTERNET CHAMPION known as
!!!!STUART SLANE!!!!
BECAUSE IT WAS US WHO STOPPED THE UNSTOPPABLE!!!
Did we get the job done inside of the ring? No...But we did find a way to stop him, and well I'm just as happy with that result because I believe it was Stuart Slane who foolishly bragged for weeks on end about being the man who killed the MISFITS, bragged about showing the world our weaknesses...When low and behold it was those same men who rose up and put that self righteous asshat in his place and now the only thing we hear from the SCOUTMASTER is
!!!!NOTHING!!!!
AND THAT IS WHY THERE IS A BOUNTY ON MY HEAD!!!
Because Seth Lerch is afraid of that! But even though I said I disagree with Tommy let me take this opportuity to point out that there is one thing that I do agree with him on. And that is that it isn't this WAR match that proves anything can happen! It is WE who prove that! And I don't mean just Tommy and MYSELF! The reason anything can happen in a match like this, is because all it is going to take is someone with the passion, the will, and desire that out weighs that of every other person in that ring and we can make a difference! We can change the course of history we can turn this thing around. We can make them forget every mistake we made in the past and force them to see us as the threat, the force, and the CHAMPION that we truly are! ANd I am going to tell you this right here and right now Hank Brown, all bullshit and joking aside. I am sick to death of walking back to the locker room empty handed. I am sick to death of coming THIS CLOSE. I am sick to death of mediocrity! I am ready for Odin Balfores, Steve Orbit's, Jay Price, Jeff Purse, Synn, Doc Henry see me as the threat I am. Because as I have said countless times in the past I am the future of this company, and I promise you that their desire does not match my own! And if any of them want me out of this match it is going to take more than a smile. It is going to take everything they got with all of them working together. Because I made the decision a long time ago to make the Wrestling Championship Federation my home, and I aint leavin until my name is forever carved into the history books and their memories! And even though I may not have a lot to my name the little I do have is still worth fighting for, and I am willing to put all that on the line to prove one simple point to 32 other WcF competitors and one man in Seth Lerch and that is the fact that
!!!!!I BELONG!!!!!
And Just Like The PURPOSE OF THIS STAGED ATTACK I AINT AFRAID TO GET IN YOUR FACE TO PROVE IT!!!
So that's why I made sure to make such a mess in this office. I welcome each and every single consequence that will come from this, because if it gets me what I want, if it leads me to victory in this match or leads me to my break out moment in this company then it will all be WORTH IT! If I dump one former world champion over those ropes, if I make at least one of these so called main events look up from the floor and see my arrogant smirk shining down on them as they are forced to walk back to the locker room empty handed as I have so many times before in the past few weeks then that my friends is what will make this worth every phucking bit!
Hank Brown: OK well given that this is a battle royal one name you have mentioned is Tommy Kain, what if it comes down to the two of you?
LA Johnny Stylez: Tommy Kain is probably the best friend I have in this business. Being the DoN of DI$Re$PeCT should tell you that the list of people I respect in this business is short if there even is one. But Tommy Kain is a man who always has and always will have my every ounce of respect. And if it comes down to Tommy and I then he and I will do what we do best and we will kick the living shit out of each other until only one of us is left. Because we both know whats at stake here and together we will clear that ring of every single mother phucker who stands in our way until it is just the two of us, and then the crowd will really get a show! But as far as Tommy and I go...Our mission is to take the pecking order here in the WcF and rip that shit
!!!!To F'N SHREDZ!!!!
And See ThiS MiSFiT THING ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!
Tommy much like myself has the potential to be whatever he wants to be in this business, it's just a simple matter of putting foot to ass and getting it taken care of. Now Tommy may be a bit on the frustrated side right now, but once he sees what I see and realizes the things that I have realized there will be hell to pay inside of that WAR match, as this year may probably be one of the biggest and most talent filled WAR matches the WcF has ever seen. And the man who is able to outlast 32 other WcF superstars and claim his CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH at ONE will truly be able to lay claim to being the absolute BEST, and that is what Tommy and I have spent our entire WcF careers fighting for. Yeah we are known for our fun loving antics, but most importantly we are known for giving the WcF fans what they want to see each and every week! We bring something different to the table, and as you can see for yourself we always go above and beyond to make sure our messages are heard loudly and clearly!
And I'll tell ya this right here and right now Hank Brown, if we accomplish nothing else during this WAR match week it will be that the WcF will no longer see Tommy Kain and Johnny Stylez as their doormats! Tomorrow Night we make our statement loudly and clearly that even if we are the only two left we will fight like it aint nobodies business to make sure we are the only two left standing in that WAR MATCH! Because if nothing else every single WcF superstar doesn't matter name or stature will face the realization that whether they want to or not they will be forced to view Johnny Stylez and Tommy Kain their equals, as we force them to see things our way by taking their sorry asses and send them flying over the top rope and hopefully into the stands where they can sit with everyone else and have the best seat in the house as they watch either Tommy or Myself go onto claim the greatness that was rightfully ours as the MISFITS continue to fight through all the muck and shit in order to hang our hat with the best of the best here in the WcF, and if we are to go down then you can bet your last got damn dollar that we are going to take a few of these mother phuckers with us! So if you want Hank you can run and tell Seth Lerch what you saw here today, and you can tell him that Johnny Stylez has a message for you and the rest of the WcF andthe message is simple...Tell him that The Paragona of Americana told him and every one else to
!!!!!SoaK!!!!!
!!!!SoMe!!!!!
!!!!!UP!!!!!!!
Because If It's A WAR THEY WANT THEN IT'S A WAR THEY'LL GET!!!
So unless you got any other questions, I'd say this interview is over!
Hank Brown: Wel actually I do have but one more question...How in the hell did you pull this off?
As Johnny stands up and heads towards the door he hears Hank Brown's question and smirks as suddenly the scene fades and the missing pieces to the puzzle begin to unfold right before your very eyes in the form of a musical montage...
MonTaGe SCENE- SONG; All Along The Watch Tower by Jimi Hendrix
The oh so familiar guitar rhythm kicks off as the montage begins at the very beginning where Johnny Stylez drinking benge began after failing to capture the WcF Hardcore Championship from Roy Speede last week.
As the music plays we see a few brief scenes of Johnny's drinking reach belligerent levels.
Scene then shows Johnny drunkenly stumbling around the MiSFiT super secret hide out as he stumbles across the camo fatigues he used as his drill sergant uniform. And then as the lyrics kick off
"THeRe MuST BE SoMe KiNDa WAY OUTTA HERE"
We see Johnny reach a moment of clarity as if it all makes sense to him, as he thinks back to the conversation he and Tommy shared about the WAR MATCH.
Then as the music continues to play we see Johnny get on his phone and make the calls we then see Johnny standing in front of his MISFIT MARINES as they prepare for battle. Scne then switches to all of them piled in the truck as they are all playing air instruments to ALL ALONG THE WATCH TOWER.
Scene then shows them arriving to WcF HQ, as they all stumble out of the truck passing around a bottle of JAMESON. Johnny walks up to the door and it's locked as everyonein the group seems disapointed. Then AWESOME MAN walks up in an attempt to use his AWESOME STRENGTH to open the door, but before he is able to do anything, Goat backs up and rams the door down with his horns and WWI helmet, as AWESOME MAN and Johnny share a high five as the group enters the building.
" WOAAAAA AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL AROUND THE WATCH TOWWWAAAAA"
As the chorus hits we see the MISFIT marines cornered by WcF security as they all stand in a circle and prepare for a fight. And then as the guitar riff picks back up we see GOAT make the first attempt as he buries his WWI helmet in one of the security ninja's nuts as a massive fight breaks out. We then see random shots of the vicious battle. Where everyone seems to hold their own execpt for Jallell White, as a man goes to hit him with a night stick, but before he does, Jallell stops and puts on a pair of glasses as the Security guard stops after he sees that he is about to take Steve Urkel's head off with the night stick. The guard stops and laughs as Urkel joins him, and as the man feels lke he is safe, Jallel rares back and kicks the dude in the nuts. But the minute the guy hits the ground groping his groin in agony, Urkel is jumped by several of the guys and then is on the recieving end of an assbeating that resmbles the on Rodney King recieved from those dirty cops almost two decades ago.
We then see Johnny able to sneak away from the battle as AWESOME MAN and GOAT begin to tie up all the unconcious security guards as Johnny has GOAT ram Lerch's office door down. Johnny then walks into Seth's office and in the center of the room on Seth's desk sits the item of interest, as the room is totally dark but there is a light shining down on the INTERNET CFHAMPIONSHIp as Johnny walks up to it and just looks down as he glares at it and allows his entire WcF career to flash through his mind, as he thinks about everything he has done that has lead him up to this point. Awesome Man then walks up beside him and puts his hands on his shoulder as Johnny looks at him as the two bump fits, as Johnny picks the title up off of Seth's desk and holds it high in the air for all the MISFIT Marines to see as they celebrate their victory.
Johnny's eyes then look over against the wall and see Seth's bottle of SCOTCH just sitting there begging to be drank, and then as the final solo of the song kicks off we see The MiSFITs passing around the bottle having a break dance off as they take turns in the center break dancing. We even see Roy Speede's mother get a little freaky as she attempts to play the stripper role as her turn comes to be in the middle and the clothes just start flying off. Johnny and AWESOME MAN are leaning against the desk, as Johnny smokes a joint while AWESOME MAN sits with his eyes covered,
Then after a few moments we see Ms. Speede trying to get freaky with Goat, as we see random cuts of the scene of them two getting on, and then some how or another we see Roy Speede's mother handcuff herself to Seth Lerch's file cabinet only at this point she is as naked as the day she war born. We then see Johnny take his seat behind Seth's desk as he awaits the arrival of Hank Brown. The musical montage then reaches an end as Johnny and AWESOME MAN take all the WcF action figures and have them bent over on Seth's desk as the MISFIT action figures are positioned making it look like they are giving it to them from behind.
Then the scene switches back to Seth's office as we see Johnny and Hank going to walk out of the office.
Hank Brown: So that naked lady handcuffed to the file cabinet is Roy Speede's mother?
LA Johnny Stylez: Sure is Hanky Panky! And yes she loves THE GOAT COCK! Loves is like you love Micheal Bolton!
Hank Brown: I don't know man I LOOOOOOOOVVVEEEE Me some Micheal Bolton!
LA Johnny Stylez: YEAH! I KNOW!
Hank Brown: Ohh...OHHHHHHHHH....Ew that's grose!
LA Johnny Stylez: Yeah tell me about it!
Hank Brown: So you're just gunna leave her here?
LA Johnny Stylez: PHUCK YEAH! There is nothing worse then the drunken over the hill slut who is alwayss trying to get in GOAT's pants, plus she is the final part of the message!
Hank Brown: What do you mean?
LA Johnny Stylez: Well picture this...Seth comes into work tomorrow morning and finds his office in shambles, the WcF Internet Title missing, and Roy Speede's mother handcuffed naked to the his filing cabinet, and ohh yeah did I mention that I'm taking the keys with me?
Hank Brown: Johnny, can I ask you a question?
LA Johnny Stylez: Sure go right ahead.
Hank Brown: Why do you always have to be such a dick?
LA Johnny Stylez: WHAT?...Well Seth started it! I'm just trying to show him and everyone else what happens when you phuck with the MISFITS! Because it always one way or another ends up the same. You mess with us and we'll phuck your office up, steal your shit and leave dirty skanky sluts handcuffed naked in your office! And that my friend is how you make a mother phucker
!!!!SoaK!!!!
!!!!Some!!!!
'!!!!!UP!!!!!
MiSFiT STYLE!!!'
There might be hell to pay for this, but Like I said I have a feeling it'll be worth it Hank, just you wait an see...Because with the MISFITS around you can pretty much always gurantee things will remain interesting!...I'm just sayin...And with the MISFITS around even in a disaster like this, it still some how always ends up the same. Because this situation just like every other before it
...Has Been Your Pleasure
4:19
GoT
-A-
??MiNuTe??
