Post by Jeff Purse on Sept 29, 2012 22:18:40 GMT -5
Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.
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The scene opens with a shot of Kari sitting in an armchair. The armchair an ugly maroon color, on a stage. There is another maroon colored armchair next to her and in-between them, a fern. They are both facing the camera, in a nice, interview session. Behind them is a giant poster for the WCF War match. Kari, looking beautiful as ever, has done up her hair real nice. She is wearing a black skirt and a purple, button up shirt. In her right hand she holds note cards, the words 'Kari's Korner' written on the back. There is a tiny ditty as the camera zooms in on Kari and she begins to speak.
Kari: Well WCF viewers, welcome to a one time only exciting edition of 'Kari's Korner.' I am your host Kari Kendall. We are just days away from the big, and exciting, War match. There have only been two winners of this match in the past, that being Johnny Reb and Logan. Two of the WCF's biggest stars. This match can make or break someone's career. Whoever the last man standing is will have a chance to face the WCF World Champion at the biggest stage for WCF, One.
There are some really big names in this matchup, and there has already been rumors circulating about who is going to win. Some people are picking the vile Eric Price to win...yeah right. He is a really bad kisser. And I heard rumor's that he has a really, really small penis. Other people are picking Jay Price to win...of course most of those other people are Jay Price himself. Two people predict Adam Young to win...and that is Adam Young and Corey Moon. Of course they also think they are the future tag team champions, so who can take them seriously?
One person who isn't being predicted to win on all the forums and websites by all the nerds out there, who are the experts, is Jonny Fly. This is understandable, seeing as how he is the favorite to win the WHC match. Only one person thinks that Fly will lose and will then have to be in the War match, from www.wrestlingshit.com. He writes, "It’s not probable for Fly to win the World Heavyweight Match. Everyone has a downfall, and this will be Flys. He will end up in the final two of the War match, eliminated by one of his Pantheon members, and he will then strike revenge." However, this guy is retarded. No really, he is mentally challenged. His username is "Iamspecial" with an avatar of a boy in a power wheelchair, holding an "I am retarded" sign.
Also, there are rumored to be some 'surprise' competitors in the War match. Of all the former Superstars the popular vote is that War is where Torture will make his debut. I don't know about that, walking around the locker room, I just don't see that happening. But then again, I didn't know him, he could be returning. Personally, I think it is going to be Gravedigger. Maybe Shane Boarderland. Maybe Jason Kash. And I think Slickie T might even want to compete. Those are my predictions.
Moving on we do have some of the competitors actually in studio with us today to talk about the War match. Oh, hold on, no, we have ALL the competitors in the studio to talk to us about the match. So, without further ado, the first competitor we have on the show with us is one that I didn't know was even in the match until looking over the card again. His name is Jimmy. So, uh, come on out Jimmy.
Sitting across from Kari now is Jimmy. Well, in Jeff Purse fashion, it’s not Jimmy, but Jeff Purse dressed to look like Jimmy. He has a muscle shirt with the words "Jimmy Mania" written on it, along with the spandex with "Jimmy Mania" down the side. He sits there, looking like he is very proud, very cocky and happy. He has a twitch, however, every now and again. He looks over at Kari, her turn to ask questions.
Kari: Welcome, Jimmy. So, you are...
"Jimmy": Hey Kari FUCK! Sorry, I have a small case of Tourettes Syndrome SHIT! So, please forgive me. But I am the son of Vince McMahon. I came here to the WCF to KICK ASS!!! Well...that’s what Hunter said I should do. I don't really care. I mean, I can't care really. I don't care about my career. I just want to have fun really.
Kari...ok. Jimmy, tell us, The War match is one of the biggest matches of the year. Everyone in the WCF is a part of it. Who is your toughest opponent going into this match?
"Jimmy": There are two, I would FUCK, er...say, Kari. Number one for sure is Jeff Purse. I mean, this guy is FUCKING...really good. He went away for a month to regroup, and came back with a vengeance on Eric Price. Just FUCK...just amazing. It was so cool how he drove his car out the ring and FUCKED Eric Price right up. That was awesome and amazing. I could do something really cool like FUCK...like that if I wanted to.
The second one is going to be have to be Seth. Seth scares me because he is the one who signs the paychecks...but he is also the one who makes the cards. This means he could FUCK any of the guys in the match in a FUCKING heart beat. I bet you he comes in last. Because I am a weak guy, you know? I have no muscle tone. I can't talk for myself, my manager does FUCKING everything for me. And Seth is the one who can change that in a moment.
Kari: You know, Jimmy, Seth isn't in the match? He just booked it. He owns the company.
"Chris Guy": Yo baby, Jimmy isn't here right anymore. I beat the hell out of that little fairy, sent him packing, and now it’s my turn to talk, because I am one cocky son of a bitch, don't you know. You know Shannan Lerch? Yeah, she wants my nuts. Everyone does. I know you do sweet heart. I am just that good though. I am just that good looking to baby.
The camera pans over to see Jeff dressed up as one of WCF's newest stars, Chris Guy. A black zipped down hoodie along with black shorts. He gets up and bends over, showing in pink lettering, the words "I like Cocks" to represent the usual stitching of "Cocky." He sits back down and begins to flex his muscles, adding a "BA BOOM" every time he poses. He also continually puts his hand on Kari's knee, which she casually brushes away. Looking at her cards, she says...
Kari: Now, Chris, this will be your first official WCF match, the War match. What are your thoughts on it?
"Chris Guy": On what baby? I am so smooth people won't be able to pin me, sweetie. They will just...fly right off me into the audience, leaving me the advantage baby. Why? Because I rub my own homemade love cream all over myself every night before a match. Especially with the ladies. But there won't be any ladies in this match, except that Sarah Twilight. I saw the way she looked at me as I walked by her in the hallway. She wants some of 'The Cocky'. And I will give it to her at War.
Kari: That’s disgusting. You know Sarah Twilight is really Logan right? She is a man.
"Chris Guy": Man, woman, I don't care Kari, all I care about is the BOOTAY! Er...and...Um...winning the match. But they don't call me 'The Cocky' for nothing, Kari. No, no they don't. I am one dangerous SOB, don't you know? See, what I do, is I like to skim Kari. Let me break that down for you so you know exactly what I mean. I skim the highlights to prepare. And that’s all you really need, don't you know? I know, because I am very smart. In case you couldn't tell from my interview with Shannan Lerch. See I mentioned that Odin, Cash, FPV are all former champions. This makes it seem like I researched this place. But really Kari, in true douche bag fashion, I just skimmed and found them in the records, fairly recent. So I know what I am talking about when I say that I am going to win this match against all of these losers. I know they are losers because I paid JUST enough attention to make a completely useless reference to Oblivion. I am the real deal here Kari, no matter what anyone says. Sure, I don't know what THE FUCK I am talking about...but I am just that damn good to not give a fuck really. So, when are we going to fuck? I mean, we can do it instead of me participating in the War match? That why I have an excuse when I don't show up this time?
Kari: No. Sorry Chris Guy. I’m engaged to Jeff Purse.
"Synn": That dirt jockey is nothing but...but a dirt jockey.
Jeff is now dressed as Synn. However, this is the most ridiculous costume he has worn to date...because he looks nothing like Synn. He is dressed with a red, rubber nose, a large floppy hat, red cheeks, oversized clothes, and he holds a balloon. That’s right; Jeff Purse is dressed as a child's party clown to represent Synn. Throughout his speech, he is making balloon animals...and though Jeff is dressed like Synn, trying to portray Synn, you can see his OCD shin through in moments, like his knots will be precise, or he will scrap the balloon entirely.
"Synn": Kari, you should be with a real man. Not me, of course, I am not a man. No I am the type that just EXPECTS things because I jump around from stable to stable to try to stay relevant. And don't you dare make fun of my tee shirts, Kari. I am the true WCF champion, because there was one time on WCF 12, when I made Terry Roberts really good, and put the difficulty on really easy, and I beat Jonny Fly for the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s just like when Doc and I won the tag team titles that I created. So, to reiterate my initial point, Kari, your fiancée is a dirt jockey who should have stuck with Motocross.
Kari: Synn, you are aware that Jeff rode BMX, not Motocross? And that he beat you to retain the US championship? And what are your thoughts about the War match?
"Synn": Well it’s obvious that BMX and Motocross is the same thing. Just one uses engines. So I am still right, Kari. And as for the fact that Jeff beat me? It was a fluke. See Kari, I ALMOST beat Jeff, which in my book should count as a win for me and a loss for him. Even though he got the three count and got to keep his title, I still think that match DID go in my favor. Think about it, anyone can just lose to a guy like Jeff Purse, hell, Gravedigger did. But to stay in there and actually hold my own for a while, giving Jeff a run for his money? Well that, that is something that legends are apparently made of, Kari, and I should have gotten the title just because of that. But sadly, Kari, we live in a world where what I almost do isn't as good as what other people actually do...like win. It is quite fucked up, but it is the truth.
As for the War match, well, I think it’s obvious what I think when I showed footage of the last two War matches at the beginning of my last promo, not really having anything to do with me, as to what I think about the match.
Kari: Um...well...it would be nice if you could go into a little more detail...since that makes no fucking sense.
"Synn": Well Kari if you really think about it, and really analyze it, it does. I was showing everyone what happened in the last two War matches, making it clear that I know how the last two matches ended. I have studied that, and I know have an amazing strategy, Kari. Don't suck. Pin the last person standing to BECOME the last person standing. Don't let anybody pin me. Or make me submit. And I will have this match in the bag. And sure, there are a lot of big names out there, but Kari, all those big names mean to me is mafumda. That’s right; they matter so little, I made up a word, mafumda. But remember Kari, what people don't realize, is that I have the ability to win the War match, even if I lose the War match. Because coming close to winning is the same as winning, but only for me. So Jonny Fly, no matter what, I WILL be facing you at One, even if Jeff Purse happens to win the War match. Get ready, Freddy. Now if you will excuse me I am late too little Timmy's two year sobriety party. Yeah, I support that stuff because I care, unlike all these other retards.
Kari: ok. Anyway-
She gets cut off by another one of Jeff's 'impersonations'. This time he is dressed to look like Kira's sister, Sado. He has the red jacket on, a skirt, showing off his hairy legs, and button up shirt only buttoned so far, and makeup that makes him look Japanese. Kari begins to break character a bit, seeing Jeff like this, making Jeff laugh a bit throughout his speech as Sado. He opens his mouth, and surprisingly, speaks Japanese.
"Sado": IM KARI申し訳ありませんが、私はここで来て、synnすることで少し問題があった。 彼は非常に間違っています。 ほぼ勝利勝利ではありません。 その失っています。 はいません。 その非常に不名誉です。 その影がある。 その狂気...Oh my神私は狂気したします。 吉良!!!! してください、吉良より取得してください。 彼は何か、カリカリ、非常にヤンキーではない何かを経由しています。 しかし、私は彼は通常に戻って得るために誓う。"
These words appear underneath Jeff, loosely translating what "Sado" is saying. 'I’m sorry Kari, but I had to come out here and correct that little twerp that is Synn. He is very wrong. Almost winning isn't winning. It’s losing. It’s not winning. It’s very dishonorable. It’s shady. It’s crazy...Oh my god I mentioned crazy. KIRA!!!! Please, please Kira get better. He is going through something, Kari, something that isn't very Yankee at all. But I swear to get him back to normal. And even though I am mad at him for rescuing me from Oblivion, because Oblivion was quite the lover, I will help him. Because he is my brother, he is a fellow Yankee, and he is my lover. I mean...my brother...lover? In Japan, lover and brother are the same word, so I was a bit confused. Heh...I have to go.'
Kari: Ok, well, next up here we have a newcomer to the WCF as well, Mr. Kale Windsor.
The camera pans over to the seat, but Jeff isn't there. It’s empty. It goes back to Kari, and she looks off in the direction of Jeff, repeating the name Kale Windsor. Still, Jeff doesn't enter. Kari, the only person able to be seen on the stage, smiles at the camera, then motions for someone to join her. Then she gives angry eyes. Jeff voice is heard.
Jeff: Kari, I don't know who that is. Skip him.
Kari: Jeff, we are supposed to do everyone, that’s what you said.
Jeff: I don't know him, I don't even believe you about there being some tool named Kale Windsor in the match. Skip him.
Kari: Jeff I am trying to help you here.
Jeff: Just move on I don't know him.
Kari: Ok, we are skipping Kale Windsor because...I mean...nobody actually expects that guy to win. So on to our next segment, we are going to take a little break from our interviews here and go over to Pantheon members Jonny Fly and Corey Black, who are here to analyze who the biggest loser in the War match is going to be. Boys?
The camera does ended pan over to a shot of Corey Black and Jonny Fly, standing in front of a screen similar to stock market updates on your local news. Both of them are wearing suits, trying to keep with the 'talk show' theme. They smile at the camera, as random pictures of WCF superstars flash by on the screen behind them.
Jonny Fly: Thank you Kari, thank you WCF. I am Jonny Fly...
Corey Black: And I am Corey Black. We are here to bring you who the biggest jobber in the War match is going to be.
Jonny Fly: Now it’s true that, besides my Pantheon cohorts, all the guys in this match are Flyjobbers.
Corey Black: That is correct. But it would seem that our biggest Jobber in the War match is going to be...
The screen stops at this picture.
Corey Black: That’s right, the little wiener I killed a while back, Adam Young.
Jonny Fly: It looks he is tickling some balls.
Corey Black: Well that is obviously what him and Corey Moon do in their alone time.
Jonny Fly: The ball tickler Adam Young is the most predicted to lose the War match. Not really a surprise there.
Corey Black: What is with that 'stache?
Johnny Fly: Mustache ride?
Corey Black: I am going to back to the Castle. Back to you Kari.
The camera pans back around to Kari, who is sitting there, somewhat giggling at the picture of Adam Young. The ball tickling thing made her laugh. She shakes it off, regaining her composure, and half smiles at the camera.
Kari: I smell some marijuana smoke, and some crazy, which can only mean one thing. LA Johnny Stylez must be the next guest on the show. And yes, he is. Welcome Johnny Stylez. Tell me, what is it that you think about the War match? Is there anyone who you are going to be watching out for? What is your strategy?
Jeff is dressed like Johnny Stylez...sort of. He really is dressed like a new age hippie. A 'joint' in his hand, half moon sunglasses, and a pot leaf necklace around his neck. He has no shirt on, but a brown vest, and bell bottom jeans. He takes a hit of his 'joint' and blows the smoke out, smiling.
"Johnny Styles": Yo, it’s quite simple what I am going to do Kari. I am going to smoke a blunt. And then, after that, I am going to smoke two or three joints, just for fun. Then, I am going to go to the store to by some Munchos, because those are the best when you got the munchies, you know? Then after I eat my Munchos and take a nap. After that Kari, my darling, I am going to wake up. Then I will smoke a bowl, I will eat some Chex mother fucking Mix, spill a little milk, but soak it up with my body. Then I will eat some pot brownies. And that is what I did yesterday.
Kari: That’s all fine and dandy...but that wasn't the question I had asked you.
"Johnny Styles": It’s not...er...Oh right, you wanted to know if I prefer smoking or soaking. Well, soaking has its benefits, that’s why I always soak it up, but-
Kari: NO! I asked who your biggest challenge was, I asked what your strategy was, and I asked what do you think about the War match in general?
"Johnny Stylez": Oh, well why didn't you say that in the first place. Well, ever since Jeff Purse beat Hunter and Benny for the US title, I haven't wanted to be in the ring with him. I mean, he beat Hunter, and let’s face it...I can't even beat Hunter. So that was a scary thought for me. Not only that, but Jeff is so fast, and I am so...stoned, so it’s hard to watch him without thinking he is some kind of crazy...crazy fast...Mexican mouse. Jeffedy Gonpursealz, that’s what they would call him if that was the case. I miss Looney Tunes, man, that show was the shit. I loved Elmer Fudd...hehe...'Be VERRY VERRY quiet, I'm hunting Wabbits, HUHUHUHUH". I bet if Bugs Bunny was in the War Match, he would win it. Cause he is one tricky son of a bitch that is for sure.
Kari: Wow. Ok. Thank you Johnny. I believe next we have your friend, and partner in crime, Tommy Kain. Oh wait...I am hearing word...Tommy Kain couldn't be here tonight; he was arrested for drunk driving. So instead we have the next best thing...Goat.
Clearly what is cut to is just a video clip of some goat at a farm. He is standing there, blinking, with his tail flapping around behind him. A fly lands on his face, right under his eye...still no reaction from the goat. Finally, it puts his mouth to the ground and begins eating some hay, lifting his head back up, still chomping on the hay. The sun seems to be right over the goat, it is squinting from what one could only guess is the sunlight. Suddenly, he has a tiny scratch on his back, he turns his neck, biting at it. Really, a rather boring video of a goat for about three minutes. Finally, cutting back to Kari, who apparently wasn't expecting that, and is sitting there looking very bored. She then looks at her cards.
Kari: Next up is Tek.
The screen begins to flash blue and green. "Billy Jean" plays over a speaker, as a midget walks out and stands in the center. His head is down, his hand over the baseball cap he is wearing. He kicks his leg up in true Michael Jackson style, as Kari perks up a bit. Apparently, there is something about seeing a midget dance Michael Jackson that can really perk people up. He spins so his back is facing the camera, and does the kick again. Spinning round, using his feet, his hand still over his head he gives the camera a small pelvic thrust. And then another.
Finally pick his head up he does some strange arm movement, then turns and does the moonwalk to the left. Then to the right. The little guy then proceeds to do the robot, but becoming a robot performing Teks finishing move, Maskarede. After this the screen goes black, and when the lights come back, the little man is gone, leaving Kari quite dumbfounded.
Kari: Well, I suppose that was just...just a figment of our imaginations. Anyway, next we have someone who is no stranger, Nathan Von Liebert. Nathan, I know you have quite a history with my future husband, Jeff Purse, and you have once earned the right to be number one contender here in the WCF. Of course, you blew that shot you had against Corey Black, and things haven't been the same for you since. Then, out of desperation, you kidnapped Nightmare all because Kid killed Rocky, your pet rat. Jeff beat you to get her back, and now, now you have a chance to start all over in the WCF. Nathan, what are your thoughts?
We have seen Jeff dressed up to look like Nathan Von Liebert before. But this time, he is crying. The outfit is the same, more or less...he has oil running down his face from his hair, he has a jean jacket on, tattered, and everything he is wearing is tattered. Cut off jean shorts. He mostly looks like Nathan other than anyone else he imitates.
"Nathan": Well Kari, you ignoramus, what do you think my thoughts are. Ever since I lost Rocky, I have been lonely...so your fiancée and Kid P sent me back to the asylum. Which I despise. The same way I despise soap. But that aside, it gave me a chance to really get in touch with my emotions, and I realized that I was sad to have lost Rocky. Why, Rocky was my only friend. He was the only person I knew who smelled worse than me. So I tried to get a new friend...Nightmare. But Jeff wouldn't let me have that. Jeff is always getting in my way. He is always interrupting my plans. I hate him for that. I hate you for that. I hate everything for that. My live is shitty, just like my pants, Kari. Because I haven't changed them in days. But nobody really cares.
Kari: Jeff that is disgusting.
"Nathan": Wrong! I am not Jeff, but Nathan Von Liebert...uh oh Kari...I think Vlad wants to come out to play...(in a very stereotypical Russian voice) I am Vlad. I hope all of you whiney bitches in WCF are ready for a real fight especially that bitch Nathan Von Liebert. He is such a weakling, I wish he would let me have full control over our body. I would murder babies and such if I did. And if the cops tried to arrest me, I would carve pig into their back. Because I am super hardcore like that. And if anybody has any problems with that, then they can suck on my Russian, dirty, penis, it’s dirty because Nathan won't bathe me. I know...I smell like tuna fish that has been stuck in between a rock and a hard place...I know.
Kari: Right. Well next up we have the tag team sensation that is Bishop and Priest. Now, Bishop and Priest, you two will enter the match as one, what does that mean to you? Does it give you the advantage?
Sitting there now is Jeff, dressed to look like Priest, and Polar Phantasm, dressed to look like Bishop. Polar has a long, black wig on, while Jeff wears a bald cap. They are dressed exactly alike, however, down the legs of each respective pair of pants is either written Bishop or Priest. Jeff just looks like he cannot contain his anger. Polar pulls out a piece of wood.
"Priest": GOD I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO WIPING THE FLOOR WITH EVERYONE!!
"Bishop": Yeah, me too, brother. And my wife here thinks so too.
"Priest": Wait, I thought that was my wife.
"Bishop": No, I am pretty sure she is mine.
"Priest": Well, I guess it really is no matter whatsoever. She is still going to fuck everyone in the ring.
"Bishop": That’s right, she is going to fuck them like they have never been fucked before.
"Priest: And then some more!
Kari: Ok I have to end this one, I don't care for it anymore. Moving on, we have Mr. FPV, who has gone through some changes over the past few months. Well, first he was Mr. FPV, then he was Super FPV, then back to Mr., now I believe he just goes by FPV. He is also in the running to become the World Heavyweight Champion for the second time in his career. I am sure the stakes are high for FPV at War. FPV, if you don't mind, what are your thoughts here.
Jeff is now dressed like Mr. FPV, Super FPV, and FPV. All of FPV's different personas are displayed here. He has a DS in his hand, he is playing it, and he doesn't look up from it at all while he talks.
"FPV": Well as you know, Kari, I had one of the shortest title reigns in history...as did Waylon Cash...and Jay Price. And all three of us are going to be in this match. I say that because I know there is no way Cash or I am going to beat someone like Fly. No, only someone like...I don't know...Jeff Purse could beat Fly for the World Heavyweight Championship at One after winning the War match. That is the only way. I got lucky the first time I beat Fly....I have my super mushrooms to thank, really. I don't eat those anymore though, so...I can't say I will win the World Heavyweight Championship.
To go even further, if I might, I am definitely not winning the War match, though, either. See, because my 'friend' Roy Speede is going to be there. And Roy Speede is kind of a dick. He is going to turn on me, he said he would. Not only that, but I mean, come on, I can't beat anybody. Look at me. I have tried really hard to make a statement in this company, and every time, as soon as I do, I lose it right away. Why? Because I don't have what it takes to win the big matches. I don't have what it takes to win anything. I don't have what it takes to take down Jeff Purse. So I will enter the match, pretend to be confident that I am going to win, and then I am going to lose. And that’s just how it is.
Kari: Ok. Well thank you so much, Mr. Super FPV. Next up, actually, is the WCF Hardcore Champion and partner of Franky V, Roy Speede. Probably a shoo in for the biggest bitch in WCF this year...and this was the year that Sarah Twilight was in the fed. Roy!
Jeff is dressed unlike Roy Speede. He is dressed in all sliver with sliver paint covering his body.
"Roy Speede": Hello Kari. I am basically here to talk about how amazing I am. I am the silver lining, you know?
Kari: Yes, yes I know Roy. So tell us what your thoughts are on the War Match?
"Roy Speede": Well Kari, I plan to do what I do when I am an active member of the roster. When I am ACTIVE, that is. See, I come and go from time to time, because sometimes I just really don't like losing. And when I start losing, I run. That’s what I do. So if I start o lose the match, I will begin to run away from the match, leaving FPV to the sharks.
Kari: Yeah...you are right. What is the deal with that? You guys were friends, then feuded, then were friends.
"Roy Speede": Well I am not exactly good on my own, Kari. I mean, I get lucky here and there, I do, but I am not by any means a talented performer. I...well I suck. So I need to latch on to someone who has some success in here, and nobody else would have me. Frank, well, he took pity on me, and that’s the best way to start a team, because I can always make it seem as though I am number one in the team, but not really. As you know.
Kari: Right. Well Roy I wish you no luck whatsoever. Next we have One Bad Mutha Fucka, Odin Balfore.
Jeff is wearing the traditional Odin Balfore garb. He is staring into the camera, a crazy look in his eye, a look he will never break while he is Balfore. He cracks his neck a few times (with the help of some well placed sound effects.) He just looks angrily at the camera.
Kari: So...Odin, what are your thoughts on the match?
"Odin" doesn't say anything. He just sits there, staring into the camera. Deep huffs of breath escaping from his nostrils. His oversized nostrils. Finally, he opens his mouth to speak...
"Odin": HELLO EVERYBODY! (His voice is very, very high pitched and effeminate.) I am, as you know, Odin Balfore. I have a cute little pet, my little Raccoon. Kari, by the way, love the shoes. Anyway, I think that the War match is just going to be so EXCITING. I mean, what with all the guys in all the potential for me to have such a...such a good time. That cutie Roy Speede will be in it. He is such a cutie. And that crazy wicked cool Sarah Twilight. It’s very, very interesting. To see such a...mawoman fighting to win. Oh it will just...it just...It makes me want to cry!
"Odin" begins crying, he starts fanning his eyes off, and just can't take it anymore, getting up and running off.
Kari: Ok, well...that’s interesting. I suppose the next person we have up is Odin Balfore's old buddy, The Mack, Steve Orbit.
Jeff is now dressed in an over sized zoot suit, with floppy pimp hat and all. he has a can with a crystal on the top of it, and dark, dark sunglasses. He begins licking the fronts of his teeth. Smiling a little too much. He looks at Kari and winks.
"The Mack:" Yo, Kari, baby, how goes it sweet cheeks?
Kari: Yeah. Anyway, Steve, who are you worried about in this match?
"The Mack": Well sweet heart, the only person to be worried about in this match, well, you are looking at him baby. I am a straight up playa, so ya know, you know exactly what I am saying. I am not afraid of myself baby, don't think that. But I guess if I have to choose someone who I should keep my eyes on, it would be any of them Pantheon guys. Including that Jeff Purse. I have said it once and I will say it again, but no more times because a pimp doesn't like to repeat himself. I would love to get in the ring one on one with that guy, just to see what kind of beating can he give me. Probably a good one. But he is definitely someone to watch in this match, broth- er sorry, sista.
Kari: He is good. Now Steve, tell me, what is your strategy here.
"The Mack": Baby, my strategy is to not get pinned. I mean, I need to win this match, cutie. If I don't, I lose relevance. See, I am not the best US champion, hell, I am A LOT worse of a champion then Jeff Purse. Jeff beat some of his biggest competition when he was US champion, baby. I have beat loser after loser. No bit competition. Jeff even destroyed, that’s right I said destroyed Gravedigger in his own type of match. That’s difficult baby...that’s difficult. I respect a guy who can do that.
Kari: One more question, Steve, how did you get the nickname "The Mack".
"The Mack": Because baby, I used to work at McDonalds before I started in the WCF. They called me 'The Big Mack' when I worked there. But I didn't want them to do that here, so I had to change it.
Kari: Well, thank you so much. And, what’s that? Oh...ok. Next up was supposed to be Famine of the Vile, but I just got word he is out eating babies. So, he cannot be here today. That leaves our interview with the 'Emperor of Jobbers' the one and only Joel Hall. Joel, welcome. Tell me, what is your strategy here in the War match?
Jeff is now dressed to look like the guy from the Raven. He talks slowly, he talks eerily, and sort of nothing like Joel Hall. This, however, is how Jeff always pictured Joel Hall.
"Joel Hall": Hello....Kari. I am...going to go out...to the match....and make sure that all my...lovely Jobbers....here know what to do...to support me. They know that...cheering on their....king is the best thing they can do....and with their support...I will never lose...this match. But I need to of course....watch my back in the match....and perhaps make a few...teammates...trying to make it to the end. I will have to....watch out for all...of the other...people in the match. The stables...will play a big...part....in the match. So I have to watch them.
Kari: Thanks Joel. Um, why the Jobbers?
"Joel Hall": Because Kari...I need something to seem like I have some kind....of talent. Really, I have none. And your boyfriend...the OCD freak....I was just kidding about him. He isn't...that....I think he is very talented....but I will never actually be....at his level. And he is what actually....inspired me to take....the Jobbers under my.....wing. I wished....he would take me....a jobber....under his wing....but I guess not...
Kari: Ok, who is next? Ah, if it’s not Jay Price. Jay Price, it’s good to see you are feeling a lot better. When you left, it was sad day, I would say. You were injured, but you came back, and here we are, War. You think you have a chance?
Jeff and Jay really aren't that different looking, a few things, so it was hard for Jeff to change his appearance too much. He put on a pair of sunglasses, and held a bottle of liquor.
"Jay Price": I am Kari, sorry. Er...what...ha-ha. I mean I am sorry Kari, I wasn't listening to what you said. But the deal, mama, is that I am Jay Motherfucking Price. Jay Motherfucking Price. I am a onetime WCF World Heavyweight *hic* champion, DAMNIT! I deserve a little spect...resepct. Respect. Understand, girl? Yeah...I was hurt. But I am back, ok? OK!? I am back, for the War match. I am back and I am going to win. Just another one of those things that Jay Price has to accomplish in his career, ok? Like...*hic* winning the title.
And on top of that, Kendal, your fiancé is super hot. And I am jealous. So he better watch....he better watch me...fall down.
He falls down.
Kari: Ok...well...that was interesting Jay. It was. Doc Henry was supposed to be next, but he decided that he couldn't be in the interview, because he was too busy...too busy having sex with his Jobber Triple Crown. He did send word to thank Corey Black for that, and to say that he isn't going to win, because he always talks a big game and can never deliver. He felt it would just be a good idea to not talk about it this time, as he will lose for sure. Next after him is Hank Lane. The man with the Mustache. Hank, welcome, and tell us please, what are your thoughts on the War match?
Jeff is dressed like a giant handlebar mustache with a mouth.
"Hank Lane": Well Kari, it’s simple. All of my power comes from my ‘stache, as you can see. It is the one thing that actually means more to me than anything. Why do you think I let STJ and Tek go for the title, when Prophecy was my brain child? Because I plan to win the tag titles with my mustache, and nobody else. Now, some people think that I can't win this, because I have no real wrestling talent, just a cool mustache...and I think by what I have been saying, we all know that it’s true. But tell me Kari, who would you rather have win this, someone without a mustache, or me, the living mustache? Exactly...I am bringing the seventies back with a vengeance, So watch out everyone, its mustache time!
Kari: Well Hank it’s interesting that you mention Steel Toe Joe, because he is here next. STJ, I wonder, as a religious man, why the name Steel Toe Joe?
Jeff is dressed as Jesus.
"STJ": Well you see Kari, I am indecisive. I always wanted to be a priest, but I also wanted to be a construction worker. So I became a pastor on a construction site. It went really well, actually.
Kari: Ok. War. Go.
"STJ": I am going to win. Nobody in that match walks as hard as I do with Jesus. I have the holy ghost and his friends on my side. And that is the only way to win. Let me quote some versus for you, Kari.
Kari: Oh, please, that’s ok.
"STJ": No, its ok, I will. Matthew 18:15: If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. That’s just...that’s the truth my dear sweet Kari. That’s the truth. Because when one of the guys in the match sin against me, as long as I can talk it out with them later, I have nothing to worry about. You know Kari, God is no stranger to War. For he fights with Satan every day over our souls. And he fights wars with Sin all the time. But you know what, with a little faith, I will walk out of this match the winner. Well, I am hoping God is there for me in this match, because, well, I really couldn't do this on my own. I am not good enough, ok? There, you made me say it, my child.
Kari: Oh...ok...sure. I also got word that "Sarah Twilight" and Waylon Cash couldn't be here tonight, because they are off having sex...with each other...all night long. Which brings us to Oblivion. Oblivion, I am going to say it. You scare me. You are a favorite to win the War match. It must be nice being you.
Jeff is dressed, and he actually looks just like Oblivion. The long hair, the mask, the robe. It all looks pretty good. He talks with a strange voice too.
"Oblivion": Kari, once you and IT would sit around a table talking, sharing stories, and drinking. Now, IT is sad, because that fine ass of yours is gone, BITCHEEESSSS!!! But that’s ok, Kari, because while you think its nice being me, IT is not...or wait. It is not. There we go. IT wasn't talking about IT, IT was talking about it. So anyway, I know I am a shoo in to win the match, but IT is concerned with Jeff Purse and HIS aggression toward IT because IT called him a Benedict Arnold. IT actually has a sensitive side.
Kari: Yeah, I always wanted to ask about the whole...IT thing?
Oblivion: Well you see Kari, IT is a demon, and I am a man. Or...wait. IT is the shell of a man where I, Oblivion, came to...um...take over? No now wait, I know this...IT knows this. IT is the demon, Oblivion is the place where IT resides, so I am Oblivion because I resided there. But wait, that’s not right. IT is the man, I am the demon. I am two people in one. I am a demon and a man. IT is...dangerous....uh...SUCK ON THAT BITCCCHHHEESSSS!!!
He throws down a smoke bomb, and when it clears he is gone. Clearly wanted to scurry quickly. Replaced with a large tombstone, ERIC PRICE written on it. Kari smiles at this as she turns toward the camera.
Kari: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. My name is Kari and this has been Kari's Korner. Goodnight.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-
Jeff Purse is seen, sitting on the top of a chair. Its darkness all around him. Just he and the chair are visible.
Jeff: That was fun, doing that. I have always liked acting, and pretending...I have always enjoyed become someone else for a while, in fact I always thought I was pretty good at it. I wanted to say this here at the end for a few reasons. Number one, I don't want anyone to get this twisted....I know what kind of match I am in store for. The single most difficult match of my career. That’s what War is too me. It’s a way to right any wrong I have done here in the WCF. It’s a way to redeem myself for any losses or mishaps I shouldn't have had. It’s a way to get me a ticket...to the biggest PPV of them all...One. It’s a way to get me a shot at the WCF Heavyweight Championship...it’s a way for me to become the best this company has ever seen. It’s a way for me to go down in the record books. It’s a way to make a stand.
I believe, in my heart, that Jonny Fly will be World Champion after War. And I believe that Jonny Fly will be champion at One. And I believe that I have a really, really good chance at being the one he goes toe to toe with. I have a feeling....Look I could sit here and tell you I am going to win that match. I could. But then I would be just like everybody else out there. And that is NOTHING that I want. I want to be different. I want to be better than everyone else. My strategy for this match...simple...stay alive. And everyone keeps mentioning that Pantheon will have to turn on each other eventually. But we all understand that. And when it’s me and my Pantheon brethren left in that ring...you will see four men who respect each other go toe to toe to face another man we all respect. And I am going to make sure the man facing Jonny Fly at One is me. Why? It’s simple.
I owe it to myself. I owe it to my fans, but I owe it to Jonny. Jonny hasn't been here that much longer then I have...maybe a month...maybe two months longer than me. But he has already done so much in this company. He revolutionized the TV Championship. He has single digit losses. He is a THREE TIME WCF World Champion. All of that in under a year. And this man took me under his wing. He worked with me. He understood me. He cared for me. That is something, people. When I let Jonny down, by not retaining that TV title...well you better believe I took it harder than him. But to be able to face him at One for the title? Well...I think that nothing would reestablish the respect he might have lost for me. And speaking of the TV title...
I hope you liked my surprise for you at Slam Eric. Because in reality, that’s only the beginning of the Jeff Purse kicking Eric Price's assathon. Like I have said to you on the internet, in real life, anywhere, I want to kill you, Eric. I want you dead. I told you I would do it anywhere, but you are too afraid to meet me anywhere but the ring, where they won't let me kill you...which is actually ok. Let me explain why, Eric. Because I am not legally allowed to kill you in the ring...but I am allowed to whip that pansy ass over, and over, and over, until you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself as much as I will make you hate yourself, Eric, you kill yourself. And that’s what I am looking forward to, Eric. I usually am not like this, but when you start fucking with someone like Kari, someone who doesn't deserve anything bad...well Eric, congrats, you brought out the beast in me.
As for the rest of you, beware. That’s all. I am not messing around here. I am ready to fulfill my destiny. So please, don't get in my way. If you do...I will take you down. I am The One, The Only, The Future, Jeff Purse. And that’s the truth.
The scene fades as Jeff jumps off the chair and walks away.
-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The scene opens with a shot of Kari sitting in an armchair. The armchair an ugly maroon color, on a stage. There is another maroon colored armchair next to her and in-between them, a fern. They are both facing the camera, in a nice, interview session. Behind them is a giant poster for the WCF War match. Kari, looking beautiful as ever, has done up her hair real nice. She is wearing a black skirt and a purple, button up shirt. In her right hand she holds note cards, the words 'Kari's Korner' written on the back. There is a tiny ditty as the camera zooms in on Kari and she begins to speak.
Kari: Well WCF viewers, welcome to a one time only exciting edition of 'Kari's Korner.' I am your host Kari Kendall. We are just days away from the big, and exciting, War match. There have only been two winners of this match in the past, that being Johnny Reb and Logan. Two of the WCF's biggest stars. This match can make or break someone's career. Whoever the last man standing is will have a chance to face the WCF World Champion at the biggest stage for WCF, One.
There are some really big names in this matchup, and there has already been rumors circulating about who is going to win. Some people are picking the vile Eric Price to win...yeah right. He is a really bad kisser. And I heard rumor's that he has a really, really small penis. Other people are picking Jay Price to win...of course most of those other people are Jay Price himself. Two people predict Adam Young to win...and that is Adam Young and Corey Moon. Of course they also think they are the future tag team champions, so who can take them seriously?
One person who isn't being predicted to win on all the forums and websites by all the nerds out there, who are the experts, is Jonny Fly. This is understandable, seeing as how he is the favorite to win the WHC match. Only one person thinks that Fly will lose and will then have to be in the War match, from www.wrestlingshit.com. He writes, "It’s not probable for Fly to win the World Heavyweight Match. Everyone has a downfall, and this will be Flys. He will end up in the final two of the War match, eliminated by one of his Pantheon members, and he will then strike revenge." However, this guy is retarded. No really, he is mentally challenged. His username is "Iamspecial" with an avatar of a boy in a power wheelchair, holding an "I am retarded" sign.
Also, there are rumored to be some 'surprise' competitors in the War match. Of all the former Superstars the popular vote is that War is where Torture will make his debut. I don't know about that, walking around the locker room, I just don't see that happening. But then again, I didn't know him, he could be returning. Personally, I think it is going to be Gravedigger. Maybe Shane Boarderland. Maybe Jason Kash. And I think Slickie T might even want to compete. Those are my predictions.
Moving on we do have some of the competitors actually in studio with us today to talk about the War match. Oh, hold on, no, we have ALL the competitors in the studio to talk to us about the match. So, without further ado, the first competitor we have on the show with us is one that I didn't know was even in the match until looking over the card again. His name is Jimmy. So, uh, come on out Jimmy.
Sitting across from Kari now is Jimmy. Well, in Jeff Purse fashion, it’s not Jimmy, but Jeff Purse dressed to look like Jimmy. He has a muscle shirt with the words "Jimmy Mania" written on it, along with the spandex with "Jimmy Mania" down the side. He sits there, looking like he is very proud, very cocky and happy. He has a twitch, however, every now and again. He looks over at Kari, her turn to ask questions.
Kari: Welcome, Jimmy. So, you are...
"Jimmy": Hey Kari FUCK! Sorry, I have a small case of Tourettes Syndrome SHIT! So, please forgive me. But I am the son of Vince McMahon. I came here to the WCF to KICK ASS!!! Well...that’s what Hunter said I should do. I don't really care. I mean, I can't care really. I don't care about my career. I just want to have fun really.
Kari...ok. Jimmy, tell us, The War match is one of the biggest matches of the year. Everyone in the WCF is a part of it. Who is your toughest opponent going into this match?
"Jimmy": There are two, I would FUCK, er...say, Kari. Number one for sure is Jeff Purse. I mean, this guy is FUCKING...really good. He went away for a month to regroup, and came back with a vengeance on Eric Price. Just FUCK...just amazing. It was so cool how he drove his car out the ring and FUCKED Eric Price right up. That was awesome and amazing. I could do something really cool like FUCK...like that if I wanted to.
The second one is going to be have to be Seth. Seth scares me because he is the one who signs the paychecks...but he is also the one who makes the cards. This means he could FUCK any of the guys in the match in a FUCKING heart beat. I bet you he comes in last. Because I am a weak guy, you know? I have no muscle tone. I can't talk for myself, my manager does FUCKING everything for me. And Seth is the one who can change that in a moment.
Kari: You know, Jimmy, Seth isn't in the match? He just booked it. He owns the company.
"Chris Guy": Yo baby, Jimmy isn't here right anymore. I beat the hell out of that little fairy, sent him packing, and now it’s my turn to talk, because I am one cocky son of a bitch, don't you know. You know Shannan Lerch? Yeah, she wants my nuts. Everyone does. I know you do sweet heart. I am just that good though. I am just that good looking to baby.
The camera pans over to see Jeff dressed up as one of WCF's newest stars, Chris Guy. A black zipped down hoodie along with black shorts. He gets up and bends over, showing in pink lettering, the words "I like Cocks" to represent the usual stitching of "Cocky." He sits back down and begins to flex his muscles, adding a "BA BOOM" every time he poses. He also continually puts his hand on Kari's knee, which she casually brushes away. Looking at her cards, she says...
Kari: Now, Chris, this will be your first official WCF match, the War match. What are your thoughts on it?
"Chris Guy": On what baby? I am so smooth people won't be able to pin me, sweetie. They will just...fly right off me into the audience, leaving me the advantage baby. Why? Because I rub my own homemade love cream all over myself every night before a match. Especially with the ladies. But there won't be any ladies in this match, except that Sarah Twilight. I saw the way she looked at me as I walked by her in the hallway. She wants some of 'The Cocky'. And I will give it to her at War.
Kari: That’s disgusting. You know Sarah Twilight is really Logan right? She is a man.
"Chris Guy": Man, woman, I don't care Kari, all I care about is the BOOTAY! Er...and...Um...winning the match. But they don't call me 'The Cocky' for nothing, Kari. No, no they don't. I am one dangerous SOB, don't you know? See, what I do, is I like to skim Kari. Let me break that down for you so you know exactly what I mean. I skim the highlights to prepare. And that’s all you really need, don't you know? I know, because I am very smart. In case you couldn't tell from my interview with Shannan Lerch. See I mentioned that Odin, Cash, FPV are all former champions. This makes it seem like I researched this place. But really Kari, in true douche bag fashion, I just skimmed and found them in the records, fairly recent. So I know what I am talking about when I say that I am going to win this match against all of these losers. I know they are losers because I paid JUST enough attention to make a completely useless reference to Oblivion. I am the real deal here Kari, no matter what anyone says. Sure, I don't know what THE FUCK I am talking about...but I am just that damn good to not give a fuck really. So, when are we going to fuck? I mean, we can do it instead of me participating in the War match? That why I have an excuse when I don't show up this time?
Kari: No. Sorry Chris Guy. I’m engaged to Jeff Purse.
"Synn": That dirt jockey is nothing but...but a dirt jockey.
Jeff is now dressed as Synn. However, this is the most ridiculous costume he has worn to date...because he looks nothing like Synn. He is dressed with a red, rubber nose, a large floppy hat, red cheeks, oversized clothes, and he holds a balloon. That’s right; Jeff Purse is dressed as a child's party clown to represent Synn. Throughout his speech, he is making balloon animals...and though Jeff is dressed like Synn, trying to portray Synn, you can see his OCD shin through in moments, like his knots will be precise, or he will scrap the balloon entirely.
"Synn": Kari, you should be with a real man. Not me, of course, I am not a man. No I am the type that just EXPECTS things because I jump around from stable to stable to try to stay relevant. And don't you dare make fun of my tee shirts, Kari. I am the true WCF champion, because there was one time on WCF 12, when I made Terry Roberts really good, and put the difficulty on really easy, and I beat Jonny Fly for the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s just like when Doc and I won the tag team titles that I created. So, to reiterate my initial point, Kari, your fiancée is a dirt jockey who should have stuck with Motocross.
Kari: Synn, you are aware that Jeff rode BMX, not Motocross? And that he beat you to retain the US championship? And what are your thoughts about the War match?
"Synn": Well it’s obvious that BMX and Motocross is the same thing. Just one uses engines. So I am still right, Kari. And as for the fact that Jeff beat me? It was a fluke. See Kari, I ALMOST beat Jeff, which in my book should count as a win for me and a loss for him. Even though he got the three count and got to keep his title, I still think that match DID go in my favor. Think about it, anyone can just lose to a guy like Jeff Purse, hell, Gravedigger did. But to stay in there and actually hold my own for a while, giving Jeff a run for his money? Well that, that is something that legends are apparently made of, Kari, and I should have gotten the title just because of that. But sadly, Kari, we live in a world where what I almost do isn't as good as what other people actually do...like win. It is quite fucked up, but it is the truth.
As for the War match, well, I think it’s obvious what I think when I showed footage of the last two War matches at the beginning of my last promo, not really having anything to do with me, as to what I think about the match.
Kari: Um...well...it would be nice if you could go into a little more detail...since that makes no fucking sense.
"Synn": Well Kari if you really think about it, and really analyze it, it does. I was showing everyone what happened in the last two War matches, making it clear that I know how the last two matches ended. I have studied that, and I know have an amazing strategy, Kari. Don't suck. Pin the last person standing to BECOME the last person standing. Don't let anybody pin me. Or make me submit. And I will have this match in the bag. And sure, there are a lot of big names out there, but Kari, all those big names mean to me is mafumda. That’s right; they matter so little, I made up a word, mafumda. But remember Kari, what people don't realize, is that I have the ability to win the War match, even if I lose the War match. Because coming close to winning is the same as winning, but only for me. So Jonny Fly, no matter what, I WILL be facing you at One, even if Jeff Purse happens to win the War match. Get ready, Freddy. Now if you will excuse me I am late too little Timmy's two year sobriety party. Yeah, I support that stuff because I care, unlike all these other retards.
Kari: ok. Anyway-
She gets cut off by another one of Jeff's 'impersonations'. This time he is dressed to look like Kira's sister, Sado. He has the red jacket on, a skirt, showing off his hairy legs, and button up shirt only buttoned so far, and makeup that makes him look Japanese. Kari begins to break character a bit, seeing Jeff like this, making Jeff laugh a bit throughout his speech as Sado. He opens his mouth, and surprisingly, speaks Japanese.
"Sado": IM KARI申し訳ありませんが、私はここで来て、synnすることで少し問題があった。 彼は非常に間違っています。 ほぼ勝利勝利ではありません。 その失っています。 はいません。 その非常に不名誉です。 その影がある。 その狂気...Oh my神私は狂気したします。 吉良!!!! してください、吉良より取得してください。 彼は何か、カリカリ、非常にヤンキーではない何かを経由しています。 しかし、私は彼は通常に戻って得るために誓う。"
These words appear underneath Jeff, loosely translating what "Sado" is saying. 'I’m sorry Kari, but I had to come out here and correct that little twerp that is Synn. He is very wrong. Almost winning isn't winning. It’s losing. It’s not winning. It’s very dishonorable. It’s shady. It’s crazy...Oh my god I mentioned crazy. KIRA!!!! Please, please Kira get better. He is going through something, Kari, something that isn't very Yankee at all. But I swear to get him back to normal. And even though I am mad at him for rescuing me from Oblivion, because Oblivion was quite the lover, I will help him. Because he is my brother, he is a fellow Yankee, and he is my lover. I mean...my brother...lover? In Japan, lover and brother are the same word, so I was a bit confused. Heh...I have to go.'
Kari: Ok, well, next up here we have a newcomer to the WCF as well, Mr. Kale Windsor.
The camera pans over to the seat, but Jeff isn't there. It’s empty. It goes back to Kari, and she looks off in the direction of Jeff, repeating the name Kale Windsor. Still, Jeff doesn't enter. Kari, the only person able to be seen on the stage, smiles at the camera, then motions for someone to join her. Then she gives angry eyes. Jeff voice is heard.
Jeff: Kari, I don't know who that is. Skip him.
Kari: Jeff, we are supposed to do everyone, that’s what you said.
Jeff: I don't know him, I don't even believe you about there being some tool named Kale Windsor in the match. Skip him.
Kari: Jeff I am trying to help you here.
Jeff: Just move on I don't know him.
Kari: Ok, we are skipping Kale Windsor because...I mean...nobody actually expects that guy to win. So on to our next segment, we are going to take a little break from our interviews here and go over to Pantheon members Jonny Fly and Corey Black, who are here to analyze who the biggest loser in the War match is going to be. Boys?
The camera does ended pan over to a shot of Corey Black and Jonny Fly, standing in front of a screen similar to stock market updates on your local news. Both of them are wearing suits, trying to keep with the 'talk show' theme. They smile at the camera, as random pictures of WCF superstars flash by on the screen behind them.
Jonny Fly: Thank you Kari, thank you WCF. I am Jonny Fly...
Corey Black: And I am Corey Black. We are here to bring you who the biggest jobber in the War match is going to be.
Jonny Fly: Now it’s true that, besides my Pantheon cohorts, all the guys in this match are Flyjobbers.
Corey Black: That is correct. But it would seem that our biggest Jobber in the War match is going to be...
The screen stops at this picture.
Corey Black: That’s right, the little wiener I killed a while back, Adam Young.
Jonny Fly: It looks he is tickling some balls.
Corey Black: Well that is obviously what him and Corey Moon do in their alone time.
Jonny Fly: The ball tickler Adam Young is the most predicted to lose the War match. Not really a surprise there.
Corey Black: What is with that 'stache?
Johnny Fly: Mustache ride?
Corey Black: I am going to back to the Castle. Back to you Kari.
The camera pans back around to Kari, who is sitting there, somewhat giggling at the picture of Adam Young. The ball tickling thing made her laugh. She shakes it off, regaining her composure, and half smiles at the camera.
Kari: I smell some marijuana smoke, and some crazy, which can only mean one thing. LA Johnny Stylez must be the next guest on the show. And yes, he is. Welcome Johnny Stylez. Tell me, what is it that you think about the War match? Is there anyone who you are going to be watching out for? What is your strategy?
Jeff is dressed like Johnny Stylez...sort of. He really is dressed like a new age hippie. A 'joint' in his hand, half moon sunglasses, and a pot leaf necklace around his neck. He has no shirt on, but a brown vest, and bell bottom jeans. He takes a hit of his 'joint' and blows the smoke out, smiling.
"Johnny Styles": Yo, it’s quite simple what I am going to do Kari. I am going to smoke a blunt. And then, after that, I am going to smoke two or three joints, just for fun. Then, I am going to go to the store to by some Munchos, because those are the best when you got the munchies, you know? Then after I eat my Munchos and take a nap. After that Kari, my darling, I am going to wake up. Then I will smoke a bowl, I will eat some Chex mother fucking Mix, spill a little milk, but soak it up with my body. Then I will eat some pot brownies. And that is what I did yesterday.
Kari: That’s all fine and dandy...but that wasn't the question I had asked you.
"Johnny Styles": It’s not...er...Oh right, you wanted to know if I prefer smoking or soaking. Well, soaking has its benefits, that’s why I always soak it up, but-
Kari: NO! I asked who your biggest challenge was, I asked what your strategy was, and I asked what do you think about the War match in general?
"Johnny Stylez": Oh, well why didn't you say that in the first place. Well, ever since Jeff Purse beat Hunter and Benny for the US title, I haven't wanted to be in the ring with him. I mean, he beat Hunter, and let’s face it...I can't even beat Hunter. So that was a scary thought for me. Not only that, but Jeff is so fast, and I am so...stoned, so it’s hard to watch him without thinking he is some kind of crazy...crazy fast...Mexican mouse. Jeffedy Gonpursealz, that’s what they would call him if that was the case. I miss Looney Tunes, man, that show was the shit. I loved Elmer Fudd...hehe...'Be VERRY VERRY quiet, I'm hunting Wabbits, HUHUHUHUH". I bet if Bugs Bunny was in the War Match, he would win it. Cause he is one tricky son of a bitch that is for sure.
Kari: Wow. Ok. Thank you Johnny. I believe next we have your friend, and partner in crime, Tommy Kain. Oh wait...I am hearing word...Tommy Kain couldn't be here tonight; he was arrested for drunk driving. So instead we have the next best thing...Goat.
Clearly what is cut to is just a video clip of some goat at a farm. He is standing there, blinking, with his tail flapping around behind him. A fly lands on his face, right under his eye...still no reaction from the goat. Finally, it puts his mouth to the ground and begins eating some hay, lifting his head back up, still chomping on the hay. The sun seems to be right over the goat, it is squinting from what one could only guess is the sunlight. Suddenly, he has a tiny scratch on his back, he turns his neck, biting at it. Really, a rather boring video of a goat for about three minutes. Finally, cutting back to Kari, who apparently wasn't expecting that, and is sitting there looking very bored. She then looks at her cards.
Kari: Next up is Tek.
The screen begins to flash blue and green. "Billy Jean" plays over a speaker, as a midget walks out and stands in the center. His head is down, his hand over the baseball cap he is wearing. He kicks his leg up in true Michael Jackson style, as Kari perks up a bit. Apparently, there is something about seeing a midget dance Michael Jackson that can really perk people up. He spins so his back is facing the camera, and does the kick again. Spinning round, using his feet, his hand still over his head he gives the camera a small pelvic thrust. And then another.
Finally pick his head up he does some strange arm movement, then turns and does the moonwalk to the left. Then to the right. The little guy then proceeds to do the robot, but becoming a robot performing Teks finishing move, Maskarede. After this the screen goes black, and when the lights come back, the little man is gone, leaving Kari quite dumbfounded.
Kari: Well, I suppose that was just...just a figment of our imaginations. Anyway, next we have someone who is no stranger, Nathan Von Liebert. Nathan, I know you have quite a history with my future husband, Jeff Purse, and you have once earned the right to be number one contender here in the WCF. Of course, you blew that shot you had against Corey Black, and things haven't been the same for you since. Then, out of desperation, you kidnapped Nightmare all because Kid killed Rocky, your pet rat. Jeff beat you to get her back, and now, now you have a chance to start all over in the WCF. Nathan, what are your thoughts?
We have seen Jeff dressed up to look like Nathan Von Liebert before. But this time, he is crying. The outfit is the same, more or less...he has oil running down his face from his hair, he has a jean jacket on, tattered, and everything he is wearing is tattered. Cut off jean shorts. He mostly looks like Nathan other than anyone else he imitates.
"Nathan": Well Kari, you ignoramus, what do you think my thoughts are. Ever since I lost Rocky, I have been lonely...so your fiancée and Kid P sent me back to the asylum. Which I despise. The same way I despise soap. But that aside, it gave me a chance to really get in touch with my emotions, and I realized that I was sad to have lost Rocky. Why, Rocky was my only friend. He was the only person I knew who smelled worse than me. So I tried to get a new friend...Nightmare. But Jeff wouldn't let me have that. Jeff is always getting in my way. He is always interrupting my plans. I hate him for that. I hate you for that. I hate everything for that. My live is shitty, just like my pants, Kari. Because I haven't changed them in days. But nobody really cares.
Kari: Jeff that is disgusting.
"Nathan": Wrong! I am not Jeff, but Nathan Von Liebert...uh oh Kari...I think Vlad wants to come out to play...(in a very stereotypical Russian voice) I am Vlad. I hope all of you whiney bitches in WCF are ready for a real fight especially that bitch Nathan Von Liebert. He is such a weakling, I wish he would let me have full control over our body. I would murder babies and such if I did. And if the cops tried to arrest me, I would carve pig into their back. Because I am super hardcore like that. And if anybody has any problems with that, then they can suck on my Russian, dirty, penis, it’s dirty because Nathan won't bathe me. I know...I smell like tuna fish that has been stuck in between a rock and a hard place...I know.
Kari: Right. Well next up we have the tag team sensation that is Bishop and Priest. Now, Bishop and Priest, you two will enter the match as one, what does that mean to you? Does it give you the advantage?
Sitting there now is Jeff, dressed to look like Priest, and Polar Phantasm, dressed to look like Bishop. Polar has a long, black wig on, while Jeff wears a bald cap. They are dressed exactly alike, however, down the legs of each respective pair of pants is either written Bishop or Priest. Jeff just looks like he cannot contain his anger. Polar pulls out a piece of wood.
"Priest": GOD I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO WIPING THE FLOOR WITH EVERYONE!!
"Bishop": Yeah, me too, brother. And my wife here thinks so too.
"Priest": Wait, I thought that was my wife.
"Bishop": No, I am pretty sure she is mine.
"Priest": Well, I guess it really is no matter whatsoever. She is still going to fuck everyone in the ring.
"Bishop": That’s right, she is going to fuck them like they have never been fucked before.
"Priest: And then some more!
Kari: Ok I have to end this one, I don't care for it anymore. Moving on, we have Mr. FPV, who has gone through some changes over the past few months. Well, first he was Mr. FPV, then he was Super FPV, then back to Mr., now I believe he just goes by FPV. He is also in the running to become the World Heavyweight Champion for the second time in his career. I am sure the stakes are high for FPV at War. FPV, if you don't mind, what are your thoughts here.
Jeff is now dressed like Mr. FPV, Super FPV, and FPV. All of FPV's different personas are displayed here. He has a DS in his hand, he is playing it, and he doesn't look up from it at all while he talks.
"FPV": Well as you know, Kari, I had one of the shortest title reigns in history...as did Waylon Cash...and Jay Price. And all three of us are going to be in this match. I say that because I know there is no way Cash or I am going to beat someone like Fly. No, only someone like...I don't know...Jeff Purse could beat Fly for the World Heavyweight Championship at One after winning the War match. That is the only way. I got lucky the first time I beat Fly....I have my super mushrooms to thank, really. I don't eat those anymore though, so...I can't say I will win the World Heavyweight Championship.
To go even further, if I might, I am definitely not winning the War match, though, either. See, because my 'friend' Roy Speede is going to be there. And Roy Speede is kind of a dick. He is going to turn on me, he said he would. Not only that, but I mean, come on, I can't beat anybody. Look at me. I have tried really hard to make a statement in this company, and every time, as soon as I do, I lose it right away. Why? Because I don't have what it takes to win the big matches. I don't have what it takes to win anything. I don't have what it takes to take down Jeff Purse. So I will enter the match, pretend to be confident that I am going to win, and then I am going to lose. And that’s just how it is.
Kari: Ok. Well thank you so much, Mr. Super FPV. Next up, actually, is the WCF Hardcore Champion and partner of Franky V, Roy Speede. Probably a shoo in for the biggest bitch in WCF this year...and this was the year that Sarah Twilight was in the fed. Roy!
Jeff is dressed unlike Roy Speede. He is dressed in all sliver with sliver paint covering his body.
"Roy Speede": Hello Kari. I am basically here to talk about how amazing I am. I am the silver lining, you know?
Kari: Yes, yes I know Roy. So tell us what your thoughts are on the War Match?
"Roy Speede": Well Kari, I plan to do what I do when I am an active member of the roster. When I am ACTIVE, that is. See, I come and go from time to time, because sometimes I just really don't like losing. And when I start losing, I run. That’s what I do. So if I start o lose the match, I will begin to run away from the match, leaving FPV to the sharks.
Kari: Yeah...you are right. What is the deal with that? You guys were friends, then feuded, then were friends.
"Roy Speede": Well I am not exactly good on my own, Kari. I mean, I get lucky here and there, I do, but I am not by any means a talented performer. I...well I suck. So I need to latch on to someone who has some success in here, and nobody else would have me. Frank, well, he took pity on me, and that’s the best way to start a team, because I can always make it seem as though I am number one in the team, but not really. As you know.
Kari: Right. Well Roy I wish you no luck whatsoever. Next we have One Bad Mutha Fucka, Odin Balfore.
Jeff is wearing the traditional Odin Balfore garb. He is staring into the camera, a crazy look in his eye, a look he will never break while he is Balfore. He cracks his neck a few times (with the help of some well placed sound effects.) He just looks angrily at the camera.
Kari: So...Odin, what are your thoughts on the match?
"Odin" doesn't say anything. He just sits there, staring into the camera. Deep huffs of breath escaping from his nostrils. His oversized nostrils. Finally, he opens his mouth to speak...
"Odin": HELLO EVERYBODY! (His voice is very, very high pitched and effeminate.) I am, as you know, Odin Balfore. I have a cute little pet, my little Raccoon. Kari, by the way, love the shoes. Anyway, I think that the War match is just going to be so EXCITING. I mean, what with all the guys in all the potential for me to have such a...such a good time. That cutie Roy Speede will be in it. He is such a cutie. And that crazy wicked cool Sarah Twilight. It’s very, very interesting. To see such a...mawoman fighting to win. Oh it will just...it just...It makes me want to cry!
"Odin" begins crying, he starts fanning his eyes off, and just can't take it anymore, getting up and running off.
Kari: Ok, well...that’s interesting. I suppose the next person we have up is Odin Balfore's old buddy, The Mack, Steve Orbit.
Jeff is now dressed in an over sized zoot suit, with floppy pimp hat and all. he has a can with a crystal on the top of it, and dark, dark sunglasses. He begins licking the fronts of his teeth. Smiling a little too much. He looks at Kari and winks.
"The Mack:" Yo, Kari, baby, how goes it sweet cheeks?
Kari: Yeah. Anyway, Steve, who are you worried about in this match?
"The Mack": Well sweet heart, the only person to be worried about in this match, well, you are looking at him baby. I am a straight up playa, so ya know, you know exactly what I am saying. I am not afraid of myself baby, don't think that. But I guess if I have to choose someone who I should keep my eyes on, it would be any of them Pantheon guys. Including that Jeff Purse. I have said it once and I will say it again, but no more times because a pimp doesn't like to repeat himself. I would love to get in the ring one on one with that guy, just to see what kind of beating can he give me. Probably a good one. But he is definitely someone to watch in this match, broth- er sorry, sista.
Kari: He is good. Now Steve, tell me, what is your strategy here.
"The Mack": Baby, my strategy is to not get pinned. I mean, I need to win this match, cutie. If I don't, I lose relevance. See, I am not the best US champion, hell, I am A LOT worse of a champion then Jeff Purse. Jeff beat some of his biggest competition when he was US champion, baby. I have beat loser after loser. No bit competition. Jeff even destroyed, that’s right I said destroyed Gravedigger in his own type of match. That’s difficult baby...that’s difficult. I respect a guy who can do that.
Kari: One more question, Steve, how did you get the nickname "The Mack".
"The Mack": Because baby, I used to work at McDonalds before I started in the WCF. They called me 'The Big Mack' when I worked there. But I didn't want them to do that here, so I had to change it.
Kari: Well, thank you so much. And, what’s that? Oh...ok. Next up was supposed to be Famine of the Vile, but I just got word he is out eating babies. So, he cannot be here today. That leaves our interview with the 'Emperor of Jobbers' the one and only Joel Hall. Joel, welcome. Tell me, what is your strategy here in the War match?
Jeff is now dressed to look like the guy from the Raven. He talks slowly, he talks eerily, and sort of nothing like Joel Hall. This, however, is how Jeff always pictured Joel Hall.
"Joel Hall": Hello....Kari. I am...going to go out...to the match....and make sure that all my...lovely Jobbers....here know what to do...to support me. They know that...cheering on their....king is the best thing they can do....and with their support...I will never lose...this match. But I need to of course....watch my back in the match....and perhaps make a few...teammates...trying to make it to the end. I will have to....watch out for all...of the other...people in the match. The stables...will play a big...part....in the match. So I have to watch them.
Kari: Thanks Joel. Um, why the Jobbers?
"Joel Hall": Because Kari...I need something to seem like I have some kind....of talent. Really, I have none. And your boyfriend...the OCD freak....I was just kidding about him. He isn't...that....I think he is very talented....but I will never actually be....at his level. And he is what actually....inspired me to take....the Jobbers under my.....wing. I wished....he would take me....a jobber....under his wing....but I guess not...
Kari: Ok, who is next? Ah, if it’s not Jay Price. Jay Price, it’s good to see you are feeling a lot better. When you left, it was sad day, I would say. You were injured, but you came back, and here we are, War. You think you have a chance?
Jeff and Jay really aren't that different looking, a few things, so it was hard for Jeff to change his appearance too much. He put on a pair of sunglasses, and held a bottle of liquor.
"Jay Price": I am Kari, sorry. Er...what...ha-ha. I mean I am sorry Kari, I wasn't listening to what you said. But the deal, mama, is that I am Jay Motherfucking Price. Jay Motherfucking Price. I am a onetime WCF World Heavyweight *hic* champion, DAMNIT! I deserve a little spect...resepct. Respect. Understand, girl? Yeah...I was hurt. But I am back, ok? OK!? I am back, for the War match. I am back and I am going to win. Just another one of those things that Jay Price has to accomplish in his career, ok? Like...*hic* winning the title.
And on top of that, Kendal, your fiancé is super hot. And I am jealous. So he better watch....he better watch me...fall down.
He falls down.
Kari: Ok...well...that was interesting Jay. It was. Doc Henry was supposed to be next, but he decided that he couldn't be in the interview, because he was too busy...too busy having sex with his Jobber Triple Crown. He did send word to thank Corey Black for that, and to say that he isn't going to win, because he always talks a big game and can never deliver. He felt it would just be a good idea to not talk about it this time, as he will lose for sure. Next after him is Hank Lane. The man with the Mustache. Hank, welcome, and tell us please, what are your thoughts on the War match?
Jeff is dressed like a giant handlebar mustache with a mouth.
"Hank Lane": Well Kari, it’s simple. All of my power comes from my ‘stache, as you can see. It is the one thing that actually means more to me than anything. Why do you think I let STJ and Tek go for the title, when Prophecy was my brain child? Because I plan to win the tag titles with my mustache, and nobody else. Now, some people think that I can't win this, because I have no real wrestling talent, just a cool mustache...and I think by what I have been saying, we all know that it’s true. But tell me Kari, who would you rather have win this, someone without a mustache, or me, the living mustache? Exactly...I am bringing the seventies back with a vengeance, So watch out everyone, its mustache time!
Kari: Well Hank it’s interesting that you mention Steel Toe Joe, because he is here next. STJ, I wonder, as a religious man, why the name Steel Toe Joe?
Jeff is dressed as Jesus.
"STJ": Well you see Kari, I am indecisive. I always wanted to be a priest, but I also wanted to be a construction worker. So I became a pastor on a construction site. It went really well, actually.
Kari: Ok. War. Go.
"STJ": I am going to win. Nobody in that match walks as hard as I do with Jesus. I have the holy ghost and his friends on my side. And that is the only way to win. Let me quote some versus for you, Kari.
Kari: Oh, please, that’s ok.
"STJ": No, its ok, I will. Matthew 18:15: If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. That’s just...that’s the truth my dear sweet Kari. That’s the truth. Because when one of the guys in the match sin against me, as long as I can talk it out with them later, I have nothing to worry about. You know Kari, God is no stranger to War. For he fights with Satan every day over our souls. And he fights wars with Sin all the time. But you know what, with a little faith, I will walk out of this match the winner. Well, I am hoping God is there for me in this match, because, well, I really couldn't do this on my own. I am not good enough, ok? There, you made me say it, my child.
Kari: Oh...ok...sure. I also got word that "Sarah Twilight" and Waylon Cash couldn't be here tonight, because they are off having sex...with each other...all night long. Which brings us to Oblivion. Oblivion, I am going to say it. You scare me. You are a favorite to win the War match. It must be nice being you.
Jeff is dressed, and he actually looks just like Oblivion. The long hair, the mask, the robe. It all looks pretty good. He talks with a strange voice too.
"Oblivion": Kari, once you and IT would sit around a table talking, sharing stories, and drinking. Now, IT is sad, because that fine ass of yours is gone, BITCHEEESSSS!!! But that’s ok, Kari, because while you think its nice being me, IT is not...or wait. It is not. There we go. IT wasn't talking about IT, IT was talking about it. So anyway, I know I am a shoo in to win the match, but IT is concerned with Jeff Purse and HIS aggression toward IT because IT called him a Benedict Arnold. IT actually has a sensitive side.
Kari: Yeah, I always wanted to ask about the whole...IT thing?
Oblivion: Well you see Kari, IT is a demon, and I am a man. Or...wait. IT is the shell of a man where I, Oblivion, came to...um...take over? No now wait, I know this...IT knows this. IT is the demon, Oblivion is the place where IT resides, so I am Oblivion because I resided there. But wait, that’s not right. IT is the man, I am the demon. I am two people in one. I am a demon and a man. IT is...dangerous....uh...SUCK ON THAT BITCCCHHHEESSSS!!!
He throws down a smoke bomb, and when it clears he is gone. Clearly wanted to scurry quickly. Replaced with a large tombstone, ERIC PRICE written on it. Kari smiles at this as she turns toward the camera.
Kari: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. My name is Kari and this has been Kari's Korner. Goodnight.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-
Jeff Purse is seen, sitting on the top of a chair. Its darkness all around him. Just he and the chair are visible.
Jeff: That was fun, doing that. I have always liked acting, and pretending...I have always enjoyed become someone else for a while, in fact I always thought I was pretty good at it. I wanted to say this here at the end for a few reasons. Number one, I don't want anyone to get this twisted....I know what kind of match I am in store for. The single most difficult match of my career. That’s what War is too me. It’s a way to right any wrong I have done here in the WCF. It’s a way to redeem myself for any losses or mishaps I shouldn't have had. It’s a way to get me a ticket...to the biggest PPV of them all...One. It’s a way to get me a shot at the WCF Heavyweight Championship...it’s a way for me to become the best this company has ever seen. It’s a way for me to go down in the record books. It’s a way to make a stand.
I believe, in my heart, that Jonny Fly will be World Champion after War. And I believe that Jonny Fly will be champion at One. And I believe that I have a really, really good chance at being the one he goes toe to toe with. I have a feeling....Look I could sit here and tell you I am going to win that match. I could. But then I would be just like everybody else out there. And that is NOTHING that I want. I want to be different. I want to be better than everyone else. My strategy for this match...simple...stay alive. And everyone keeps mentioning that Pantheon will have to turn on each other eventually. But we all understand that. And when it’s me and my Pantheon brethren left in that ring...you will see four men who respect each other go toe to toe to face another man we all respect. And I am going to make sure the man facing Jonny Fly at One is me. Why? It’s simple.
I owe it to myself. I owe it to my fans, but I owe it to Jonny. Jonny hasn't been here that much longer then I have...maybe a month...maybe two months longer than me. But he has already done so much in this company. He revolutionized the TV Championship. He has single digit losses. He is a THREE TIME WCF World Champion. All of that in under a year. And this man took me under his wing. He worked with me. He understood me. He cared for me. That is something, people. When I let Jonny down, by not retaining that TV title...well you better believe I took it harder than him. But to be able to face him at One for the title? Well...I think that nothing would reestablish the respect he might have lost for me. And speaking of the TV title...
I hope you liked my surprise for you at Slam Eric. Because in reality, that’s only the beginning of the Jeff Purse kicking Eric Price's assathon. Like I have said to you on the internet, in real life, anywhere, I want to kill you, Eric. I want you dead. I told you I would do it anywhere, but you are too afraid to meet me anywhere but the ring, where they won't let me kill you...which is actually ok. Let me explain why, Eric. Because I am not legally allowed to kill you in the ring...but I am allowed to whip that pansy ass over, and over, and over, until you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself as much as I will make you hate yourself, Eric, you kill yourself. And that’s what I am looking forward to, Eric. I usually am not like this, but when you start fucking with someone like Kari, someone who doesn't deserve anything bad...well Eric, congrats, you brought out the beast in me.
As for the rest of you, beware. That’s all. I am not messing around here. I am ready to fulfill my destiny. So please, don't get in my way. If you do...I will take you down. I am The One, The Only, The Future, Jeff Purse. And that’s the truth.
The scene fades as Jeff jumps off the chair and walks away.
